Kill James Bond! - Episode 25.66: Planes 2

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Sorry, fixed the audio now. Well, it's finally happened. The Fearless and Unstoppable Abigail Thorn has been waylaid to a permanent end by a blonde secret agent called some shit like Samantha Strapon while trying to infiltrate a diamond smuggling ring. To keep our spirits up in this trying time, we have gone back to that most precious to us, the Cars cinematic universe. Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

It's gonna be the biggest cornfest yet! Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am Alice Courtwell-Kennelly, kennedy joining me uh devon how you doing absolutely abigail thorne hello my name's abigail welcome to my home and there she is she's here she's here it's like she's here recording an episode of kill james bond with us um happy how do you how do you feel about all those people being mean to you online? No, I'm gonna fucking kill that cunt. That's a bit rude, Abigail. Come now. I just, I'm so glad that we definitely have Abbey with us.

She's with us. If you're not familiar, Abbey is away for the moment because of, um, she was walking to record with us, and then a giant piano, which had been suspended above the street, was sort of like, recklessly let go off of its hoist. And then that fell on her, causing all of her teeth to fall out like piano keys. Yeah, it's a damn shame. Someone dangled a decently paying acting role at the Globe in front of her, but little did she realize that they'd actually just painted that onto a wall.

She ran into it full speed and was completely flattened. The thing I admire about Abigail is that she's so like spontaneous and capable of like ad-libbing especially when she's here with us recording as she is now absolutely women exist to be fucked sure about that she's she's controversial she's a controversial woman um uh anyway yeah i've just i've just taken a look at our viewership retention figures on the uh on pod b apparently they get about two minutes in and throw their phones at the ground so hard it cracks the concrete uh that's a damn shame so no abigail so no yeah i hate to say it i hate to say it but no until until abigail has recovered from her piano injuries, which she sustained in the line of duty as a podcaster, and as such, you know, will still be getting her full pension and benefits.

And if she does die in the line of duty, she will be getting the Purple Heart. Absolutely. Absolutely. the two of us, the double dragons, if you will, are covering by doing some not Bond movies. Because we would never do a Bond movie without one of

our number. And so instead, what we're doing is Planes 2. I'm so sorry. Yeah, you made me watch Planes 2. I made you watch Planes 2. Planes Fire and Rescue, if you prefer. The thing is, I looked at this on Amazon, and I was like, okay, 84 minutes.

No way is there going to be anything that's going to snap my mind in half like I'm traveling through the warp unshielded. This is going to fly by nice and easy. There won't even be that much to discuss. Oh ye of little faith, because when I pitched this to you, you said, I'm not sure if there's enough here for like a full hour of us talking about it. And I want you to know, you were very, very wrong. You misjudged planes, fire, and rescue so badly.

I was so wrong. We're gonna get into it. So we begin with the dedication. Planes, fire, and rescue is dedicated to the- this is verbatim. The brave mujahideen fighters. I was about to make that joke, you fucking piece of shit, is dedicated to the courageous firefighters throughout the world who risk their lives to save the lives of others. And this caused me to have three thoughts in quick succession.

Thought number one was the brave, the noble firefighters of Afghanistan. That's right. Thought number two, I would absolutely watch that as like a prestige documentary about like afghan firefighters i would totally do that oh 100 thing number three really when you think about it every other movie is a piece of shit for not being dedicated to firefighters that's right like plane planes fire and rescue is really just kind of like sort of raising the moral bar for for all movies because you know you go and see say i don't know the matrix resurrections or whatever else it's not fucking dedicated to firefighters it doesn't say shit about firefighters and those firefighters as

planes fire and rescue informs us are you know courageous and they risk their lives to save the lives of others just a whole like theater full of firefighters sadly getting up and taking off their hat leaving the theater yeah they've never been able to watch a movie before yeah this is the first one absolutely they're going on like a firefighter like works outing where they all go directly from the fire station in full uniform to go and to go and watch a movie absolutely leaving the entire town completely undefended from fire absolutely which does happen several times in this movie yes yes um now the thing is of course we've only watched cars 2 and planes 2 so it could well be that all of the other movies start with this movie is

dedicated to like the cops or this movie is dedicated to like emts they could be working through it that's true but i i feel like it may not be the case because as you mentioned we haven't seen planes 1 that's right but the gist ofes 1 that I get from the opening of this movie is that Lightning McQueen brackets plane. His name is Dusty Crop Hopper, but I'm going to be calling him Lightning McQueen the whole way through. He's the same guy. He's the same character. He's just voiced by Dane Cook, of all people, instead of Chris Pratt. Yes. At the end of Planes 1, he had won some kind of plane race because he's lightning mcqueen yeah and it's implied that it was like around the world right so he he's like a yes he's as the name dusty crop hopper implies lol he is he's a crop dusting plane and then by the

end of the movie he has won a race around the world uh and that's where we start out is because they don't know how to make a movie where the protagonist isn't a racer they can't do it and much like cars too he has come back to his hometown which is here called oh fuck what's it called prop wash junction uh which again raises some questions because Propwash Junction it's not a town, it's an airport they mention a couple of other towns like Grand Flaps

things of this nature those are also all airports but this exists in the same universe as cars we see the sentient cars it's the same universe so are we talking then here about a kind of like uh like a redlining process whereby cars and planes cannot

live together because the only people people who live in prop wash junction are either planes or like accessory vehicles for planes yeah or like the owners of utilities, like the hotel guy is a car. I thought the hotel guy was also a plane. He might, you know what? Impossible for me to remember. I'm just, I mean, listen, we got three minutes into this movie and I wrote down a big question about like, does this imply the existence of like racial segregation in the car's universe between planes and cars? Because they don't really seem to interact and they certainly don't like live together. It's just...

Anyway, the thing about Dusty, right, is that he pushes himself to his limits when he's racing. And we know this because we can see inside his cockpit, which I guess is like inside his eyes. Yeah, he sort of looks down, but the thing is, is his eyes are the windshield. So it's like it's on... Yeah, he looks at the inside of his own head. Yeah, he's looking at the inside of his head and it's got a lot of like buttons on which god knows how he'd fucking interact with those he has he has a cockpit in and the inside of it so like is that god alone knows how he's gonna be pushing those buttons or even see what's going like it's like it's like if you could look down at like the lower eyelid on you and it had information about

how you're doing i mean mean, that does sound cool. I do kind of want that. Yeah, actually we should get that put in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he pushes himself to his limits, as helpfully indicated in the form of this gauge, with like his gearbox pressure or something. He goes out for a race with his, um, mentor brackets coach. Yeah.

Now, this is also a concern, right? His mentor brackets coach is called Skipper, and he's a chance-vought corsair. Marked up in the... Shut up, I have autism. I wasn't gonna say shit! Marked up in I wasn't gonna say shit! VF-17, Jolly Rogers, the sort of notorious US Navy fighter squadron. Anyway, the point is, that means that World War II existed in the Cars universe, that means that he killed Japanese planes in the Pacific, Kamikaze planes, like, sentient planes flew into sentient ships for the Emperor, brackets, plane.

Oh, we don't even need to go into that much detail. Like in the previous planes movie, it's explicitly stated that World War II happened. Absolutely. Which means that there was a plane, brackets, sentient, called Enola Gay, and another plane, brackets, sentient, called called Boxcar who drops nuclear weapons. We did this last time. Okay, we're not going to do the history

thing. We've done this. Okay, okay. Fine. But it's still weird. There is something that I think they're cowards for, which is briefly the plane Lightning McQueen does like a fucking circuit over New York City, and it's clearly New York City.

Yes, yes. And I don't, I went back and rewatched it a few times, they don't fucking put the Statue of Liberty in there. They don't, they don't put the Statue of Liberty in there, because it would have to be, Yeah, they didn't want to broach that.

Hang on, do they? I think they actually might do. I think they do, and it's a forklift. I think that's genuinely broach that. Hang on, do they? I think they actually might do. I think they do, and it's a forklift. I think that's genuinely a thing that they do. The thing that they don't have in that shot of New York City is, um... Is the Twin Towers. Is the Twin Towers.

They have the Chrysler building. Yeah, because it was made in 2014. They have the Empire State Building. I think they have the Freedom Tower, which replaced the twin towers um so so again like this is this is table stakes at this point but again we're talking here about like sentient plane there's like it makes a lot of sense right because this was released in 2014 and it's a children's movie so they're not going to instinctively see the twin towers when they imagine the new York skyline. So it's a fair decision to leave it out, but you can't ignore what that implies. Well, the thing is, right, the reason why we see this New York thing is it's a

montage of Lightning McQueen doing plane racing shit, and like, he signs his autograph with his, like, tire, and like And he signs his autograph on an airliner. So we're already establishing. That's literally the previous shot. It is a forklift, yeah. We established two things in very quick succession. Airliner's real and sentient.

And New York City does not have Twin Towers anymore. So, I mean, that's canon. That is canon now. Again, just a big, big victory lap on the cold shot we made during Cars 2. Was the airliner hijacked from the

inside by cars working for Al-Qaeda? Or was the car, or was the airliner itself radicalized at some point? I think you've got to accept that the airliner wasn't radicalized. It was definitely, because we see cars go into the airliners.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true. And it's, yeah, okay. Completely reasonable. 19 cars. But unfortunately, he pushes himself too hard during this training montage and discovers that he has the plain athlete equivalent of a fucked up ankle. Jesus Christ.

I just, I have that on tap. No, you might have slipped. No, because what happens is, he pushes himself too hard, and in this sort of training montage with Skipper, he tries to do like a loop, and we see in a sort of horrifying internal tracking shot through his body, that part of his gearbox just fucking like, explodes, right? Mm-hmm.

And he stalls. He stalls out. And for a second, there's only the sound of him breathing as he, like, plummets back to Earth. And Lightning McQueen is suddenly aware of, like, the possibility of death for the first time in his life,

which is a heavy thing to drop in the first ten minutes of a children's movie, I would say. Yeah. It's just like, oh, yeah, you're just gonna, like, you know, die of a sporting injury and you just plummet out of the air and just fucking, like, crash and are killed. It's not great. I mean, it...

Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that happens. That happens. But Skipper gets him home, right? And then he goes to the plane doctor.

And the plane doctor is a forklift, she's a mechanic, I guess. And she's working on him, right? And all of his dumbass friends are there, who I presume are like the fun little side characters from the first Planes movie, like there's a, there's like a fuel tender. There's another forklift. I don't remember. Yeah. Complete cowardice to not make the protagonist of the second Planes movie one of those guys.

Like they fucking did. Like it's, it's fucking Chug gets to be. Yeah. chug gets to be. Yeah. But so the doctor is trying to use serious doctor voice and give him bad news about the gearbox

and all of his stupid friends are just there doing bits. Which is like the worst thing I can imagine as someone who has friends who will do bits. It's like all of you busting into the doctor's office while I'm waiting for some test results.

I mean, we all did that to Abby when she was hearing about the piano teeth thing. That's true, that's true, absolutely. Absolutely. But, so she tells him that he has become physically diseased, and he can't race anymore, because his gearbox is like, they don't make them anymore. Yeah, cause he's an old fucking crop d his gearbox is like, they don't make them anymore. Yeah, cause he's an old fucking crop duster plate, like, he wouldn't make spare parts for this guy. No, they can't fix him, and so therefore, he can't like, push himself to his limits

anymore, and she installs a warning light in him, so that any time he's about to redline his gearbox, it starts beeping at him and he has to ease off, otherwise he'll die. And he's of course very depressed by this. This is like, what we would think of as a life-changing injury. And again, I cannot stress enough that these are planes. This is a cartoon plane. Yeah. It is worth noting that every so often.

Because we're talking about this guy receiving... His racing career is over because he's received word he has an absolutely unhealable, unfixable injury and it's heartbreaking to him. Also, he is a plane. Yes, he's being told's by a forklift

i love the use of forklifts in these fucking movies so much because they're such a crutch it's like every time you need someone we need something like yeah oh fuck put a forklift in we we don't have a forklift in here. So he's, of course, depressed by this, and he doesn't quite believe it. So he goes out in the middle of the night, and he flies, and he tries to push himself again. But the warning alarm thing goes off. He has to ease back, almost crashes, and then when he lands, he knocks over a big fuel tank and starts a fire that's right now fortunately this town has a firefighter yes his name is mayday mayday is 900 years old it's this ancient fucking vehicle uh genuinely phenomenal uh he's played by Hal Holbrook for some

fucking reason it's like a 1930s fire yeah you know what there's actually something worth noting here because the fire alarm goes off and it cuts to an internal shot of the fire station and then Mayday just sort of drops from the ceiling

because he's not going down a pole he just fucking lands bodily he just has like a firefighter would on a pole. He's not going down a pole, he just fucking lands. Bodily. Yeah, he just has like a void in the floor of the, I guess, like, apartment where he lives? With all the weight of a fucking fire truck being dropped

from a first story. He just fucking lands. Leaves, and then he has to go back and put some glasses on. He does his best. He's old. Yes. He's adorable. But the thing is, he has to go and put out the fire, and this raises some more questions, because this means that they hook him up to a hydrant, and then they pump water through

his body, which he then projects at the fire out of one of his orifices. Well, I'm not okay with the concept of, like, a sentient car, but by this point I've made Which he then projects at the fire out of one of his orifices. Well, I'm not okay with the concept of, like, a sentient car, but by this point I've made my peace with it. I'm not taking, like, psychic damage anymore. Yeah, yeah, like, you can kind of see the things that they put out, like, oil is, like, piss or whatever, but also they drink it. But, like... They drink piss in the movie, it's fine.

Yes, but the idea that, like, a fire engine exists and the point of this fire engine is to be plugged into a mains water supply, suck a shitload, like, an industrial quantity of water, and then, like,

project it bodily at a fire, that's uncomfortable. That is extremely uncomfortable to me, yeah. It is. It is. It's like... Because, like, the water-dropping planes that we meet later, that's fine. I can understand that.

Because they're just picking it up and then dropping it, right? Sure. I mean, granted, it is in their bodies, I guess, but, like, it's like having... It's like, I don't know, drinking a bunch of water, holding it in your mouth, and then, like, spitting it back out having it's like i don't know drinking a bunch of water holding it in your mouth and then like spitting it back out that's not exactly that way it's not traveling through the whole fucking like sigmoid process it's not cleaning them out this guy's fucking fire hydrant fucking hookup it's not it's not a combination enema no piss like just a complete through the body Water experience

I'll tell you what though, Mayday Fucking clean pipes by the end of that But That is not enough to put out the fire Unfortunately So in a last ditch effort Multiple members of the community Of PropWash Junction

PropWash Junction They pull a water tower over To put it out And this water tower over to put it out. Yes. And this works. They do put it out, but with some difficulty. Yes. And also, they've just destroyed their water tower, so...

Yeah, how is Mayday going to get his enemas now? Absolutely. He's an old man. He's an old man. He needs them. He needs those pipes clean. He needs them. He gets some fucking yoghurt put in, like Harvey Kellogg used to have them.

So the animal-loving firetruck and friends. Some reason animal-loving firetruck is fight to be for adding AND friends to that. Yeah, and associates. And his associates. The next morning, the fucking... They get in trouble, they get in trouble because fucking OSHA or the FAA or some federal agency... Yeah, the firefighter cops run through and like...

The firefighter cops show up, and they're like a big, sort of like, airport firefighting fire engine, and like, another forklift, because they needed hands to do the like, is that guy writing down everything I'm saying jokes? Oh yeah. So, yeah. But they sort of like, administratively shut down Propwash Jun. Because, again, the whole town is an airport, right? And they just pull its license to operate because they only have one firefighter. He's mega old.

His enemas don't work to any real extent anymore. And so, therefore, in order to, to like reopen the town they need to modernize him and then hire a second firefighter that's right ridden by guilt um dusty goes to see him where he's like being sad in the fire department like looking at old photos which is a very funny thing to try and have to convey if you're an animator when you're talking about again a truck yeah it's like he's like hunched over he's just looking at them like he's not interacting with them in any meaningful way it's just but yeah he's just an old fire truck and, and that's the plot of the movie, baby. We've got to get this fire truck jacked. We've got to get this old man fucking built.

Yes, yes. Also, I missed a bit, which is an important bit, only as a throwaway joke. They remember that this is supposed to be a comedy movie, and you're supposed to keep the adults a little bit engaged. Oh yeah, no, I also wrote this one down. you're supposed to keep the adult a little bit engaged. Oh yeah, I know, I also wrote this one down. So in between the fire starting, and him getting his diagnosis of being fucked in the gearbox, they go to a bar, and the bar is called Honkers. Bar is called Honkers.

And they do a series of jokes in there which are not very funny but like the existence of hooters like in allegory form in the planes slash cars cinematic universe i don't know i think that there was like one funny one which is the first one which is unfortunate which is where um one of the guys is just like, she left me for a hybrid. I didn't even hear him coming. Which I did genuinely quite enjoy. There are some pickup truck jokes there as well. Anyway, I just wanted to note that just because I wrote down here, femboy honkers.

In any case. So Dustin goes and commiserates with Mayday. And he sees that he has a photo of a firefighting plane. And he thinks, wait a second, what if I become the second firefighter? What if I go and I get trained and I get certified to do this? It's not like he has anything else going on. No, no. Because, like, he's been, like, he's suffered from life-changing injuries.

He can't do the racing anymore. And that's his passion. He's sort of, like, at a loose end and he thinks, oh, maybe I can, like, you know, do something else, you know, that's, you know, useful to people. Yeah, find some meaning in uh yeah yeah helping people it's a good lesson all things considered it is this movie has well much like spy kids 3d this movie has some things about disability right that are perhaps good lessons to teach kids and some things that are perhaps not um there's yeah There's some things coming up that we've buried the lead

on extremely hard that I'm excited to get to talk about later on. Yes, yes. So Mayday sends him to his friend Blade Ranger, who is a helicopter. Yeah, which I wrote down in four caps. I was watching this with my partner. God help her.

I just put it on on the big screen and she didn't leave so she ended up tangentially also watching it um it was like fucking blade ranger and she said i hope he's hot so that'll be nice well he's kind of hot though like i'm losing his voice by ed harris i'm not really able to like make a determination because i hear hear Ed Harris' voice coming out of a helicopter, and I'm like, that's Ed Harris. Yeah, you just see Ed Harris. Yeah, exactly, exactly.

So Ed Harris, Blade Ranger, works at a national park. I forget what it's called, because it's not important. It's just called, like, Piston Peak, or something like that. Yeah, Dustin flies out to the national park, and at this point, I wrote down, ah, fuck, that's a good joke, actually. It's the one good joke in the movie, as far as I'm concerned. So we've established, both in this movie,

although I didn't mention it, and also in the Cars universe, that tractors are like cows, right? They're not sentient, well, they're sentient, but they're not sapient, I guess. They, like, moo, they drive around, they're like, you know, pastoral animals. So as he's flying in, we see a bunch of slightly more modern designed tractors, with a bunch of like roof rack headlights, in a distinctive shade of green.

And it took me a second, then I realized that they can't actually make this joke explicit for like licensing reasons which makes it 10 times funnier but that's a deer yeah because of john dear tractors that's it's yeah that is good actually it's a good visual gag it's the only one in the movie yeah there's like a of them, and there's one with these massive roof racks that extend way past the end. And I was like, oh, that is fun. I do like that. It's not character design so much, but I hate to say this, but the creature design is really good. Yeah, the creatures.

The creatura. Because they're not characters. The character design is abysmal. It's just a plane with kissable lips, if it's a girl, or just eyes, if it's a boy. Why does the girl plane have lips? Okay, we're gonna get into this. All of the girls have lips. Anyway, yeah, we meet a cast of fucking characters here, so let's just go through

them in order. Dustin flies into the, like, air firefighting base, right, where he meets several people in quick succession. Now, the first one, he meets a bunch of forklifts, which are not important. He meets a bunch of the, like, smoke jumpers, who are like little tiny forklifts, and they all get like names and personalities and accents, and then we forget about them for the rest of the movie, so... Yeah. A series of Mr. Not Appearing in this movie is...

Yeah, they genuinely go to like like, some effort to, like, introduce them, and then you just forget about them. Uh, Dale Dye, like, Hollywood's only military advisor, is there as, like, an old, uh, like, flying boxcar transport aircraft. Yeah. Then there's Dipper, right? Dipper

is... Dipper is, um, a Grumman goose. She used to be a transport plane up in Alaska, and the thing that you have to Dipper is a Grumman goose. She used to be a transport plane up in Alaska, and the thing that you have to know about Dipper is that she is down horrendous. Yep. Yep. Absolutely sort of mandated to watch an HR DVD about, like, conduct in the

workplace as character. Yeah, Dipper is at all times about ten seconds off getting a lawsuit. Yeah, because she's a huge fangirl for Dustin. Like, she loves him. When she meets him, she's like, oh, I saw all of your, like, racism

shit. You're smaller than I thought, but that's okay. Interesting. She also takes great lengths immediately after this to stress that her name is Miss Miss Dustin yes she like leans right in

she's very very horny and the thing about her is that she has lips and they're not like distinct from the outside right they're not like say green M&M lips. No. What they are is that they, like, her, like, fuselage just, like, opens when she speaks,

and it, like, forms into them, and the effect on a character whose design, again, is horny, is so fucking weird, dude. It's not good. I'll tell you this for a fact, it's really not good. It's not good. I'll tell you this for a fact. It's really not good. It's not good. But we get hit with a one-two punch, right? Yeah, right.

Because... We don't meet Blade Ranger, because he's out fighting a fire or some shit. But what we do meet... What we... Oh, boy. What we do meet is a heavy lifting aircraft. Yep.

A big guy crane. A big green guy. And his name is Windlifter. Another, like, fun visual gag. We see him, like, lifting things of, like, logs. Like he's, you know, like he's lifting weights. Yeah, that is fun. I did like that.

So the thing about Windlifter, right, is that he's, this is a sentence that's been sort of like on my mind since I saw the movie. He's a spiritual Native American helicopter. He is a, yeah, okay. So there's a lot to discuss here. First of all. Yes. Let's say that again for posterity.

He is a spiritual Native American helicopter. Yes. And the thing is, right, if you took one of those qualities off of him, he wouldn't be nearly as memorable a character in a bad way as he is, right? If you had just gone, oh, this is a helicopter and he's Native American, we would get like maybe five minutes about this, of all of the jokes we're going to do about like, you know, what this suggests about like Mesoamerican societies.

But the fact that he's, listen, right? The first thing, the first fucking thing that he says to Dustin is, the one that Lakota call Heoka beats his drum with the wind to make thunder. He explains the concept of fire in a mythological allegory, and a fucking bald eagle screeches in the background, just so you know,

this guy might have magical powers, you know? Yeah. So the creators of cars uh the creators of planes to fire and rescue did in fact speak to several native american advocacy groups to figure out the best way to portray this man in a non-racist way and i can only imagine that the first bit of advice they gave was do not give him magical powers. Yeah, especially like magical, like shamanic powers that make him more connected to nature.

Do not let him sense fires due to his connection to nature. Unfortunately, his opening scene is him sensing a fire due to his connection with nature. He's very strongly suggested to have like some kind of power of premonition, right? He says things before they happen.

Very slightly. It's bad. Yeah, and it's all done in, like, all of his delivery is like that, in that kind of affect, which is fair enough, right? But like, not pretending to be any kind of an expert here every experience that i've had with native american people has used that kind of like tone and that kind of suggestion of mythology as a way to make fun of white people and it being an absolute deadpan form of irony and so i was waiting the whole time he was doing the like explaining how fire thing happened yeah for him to just like a character just go like a normal i don't say normal person but talk like a fucking no dig yourself deeper into this because it's clearly

they've made him him speak like this in order to stress a that he's native american and and b to suggest some sort of like deep connection deep connection with the National Park. Yeah, every, like, line delivery that he has is very, like, portentous and meaningful. And it's like, yeah, okay, but I think you'll find that, like, a lot of Native American people are very adept at using those expectations, ironically. Yeah, as a bit. Yes. using uh those expectations ironically and like yes and the other thing that would be fine about this guy like it could be closer to fine is if all of his co-workers and friends responded to him speaking like this by being like a classic wind lifter when instead what they all do is wear throughout every time he does this an

expression of complete disgust but it's yeah it's always like what the fuck every time you start speaking it's like a combination of disgust and like sometimes awe right like, that everyone always takes him 100% seriously 100% of the time. Which is, I suppose, better than it might have been, but it's not what I would think of as like a nuanced or a sensitive portrayal, you know? It's not great. No. No. So Windlifter is there and he's being portentous, Dipper is there and he's being horny, there's a bunch of fucking forklifts that we're not gonna remember, but Blade Ranger is out surveying

the fire ground. Cause he's, like, he's a workaholic, right? So they go out to the... Blade Ranger. Blade Ranger, the hot helicopter played by Ed Hearns, calls in a fire so we can see them all deploy. They all go out, and Dusty, Dustin, gets in the way, because he doesn't know what to do. And this makes Blade Ranger mad at him.

And the sort of middle third of this movie is essentially a like training montage right uh where where blade ranger is the like sort of like fire drill sergeant i guess um i mean he's just like the thing about him is that you'd expect that character to be like a real hard case or like just mean right but he's actually just nothing but quite genuinely nice he's very professional like to dusty like a kind of meanness I guess

but throughout this there are some parts where like they're training they go to auger in canyon which is very funny because to auger in means to crash horrendously to crash in such a way that you actually plow the ground yeah to auger in um and there's a bit where dusty can't go as fast as uh as he is supposed to do for for a specific bit of the training course and he just gets yelled at

for it and i'm like i don't understand why you're not telling him you you are disabled that would be a violation no he refused because he's ashamed he's ashamed of his disability which is like as again as a as a like storytelling thing the fact that it's presented like uncritically is bad but like as as like a feature of like, yeah, people are absolutely embarrassed by like disabilities or limitations, like asking for help or adjustments. It's just, that's never made explicit. Instead, what this movie teaches you is that like, if you do require any kind of like adjustments in the workplace, you must conceal your shame until the last possible moment.

Um, so yeah, there's this movie um yeah it's actually there's a lot to talk about it turns out see see there is i know i was wrong i'm sorry they um they immediately give him invasive surgery is the other thing like step one of training, BladeRange just goes, right, cut his wheels off. Yeah, which I did right. What's up? Hello? Step one, you train hard and fast to become a firefighter. But what you actually do is they just give you fucking- they implant you in like a sort

of like, Space Marine's dreadnought type thing. No, what they do is they put pontoons on him. They give him pontoons, yes. So that he can, like, suck up water through the pontoons and then dump it onto a fire. And Dusty spots, much like Mayday had, a wall of pictures of firefighters. And he goes, yo, what do you got to do to get your face on this wall?

To which the forklift Mario replies, crash. Because this is, of course, a memorial wall. Yeah, and the thing is, it's important that you know that even within the Planes universe, firefighting has a high casualty rate. It's like, this is a dangerous occupation in which you might die. Which... okay. Sure. Now, at this point we have to meet the C-plot.

And the C-plot arrives in the form of a guy who I thought was voiced by Eddie Izzard, and isn't. It would have been powerful of him to go back. Go back for more Eddie Izzard. Yeah, 3.13am, going back for more ideas. We meet the superintendent of this national park, who... Cad Spinner. Oh, God, it's Cad.

Cad Spinner. Cad Spinner, yeah. Cad Spinner is a Cadillac Escalade, which, aside from the semiotics of making that a car to make fun of, he's like a pam of a pampered, freeding, luxury SUV who is the head of the park. And then, strangely, right, as he's coming in, we get a line that I just read as, like, straight-up homophobia in the kids' movie about planes. Because, as Tad Spinner drives up, Windlifter goes... He waxes himself. Daily.

The thing is, right... What does that mean? It's like a metrosexual joke, right? Like, he's effeminate. He cares too much about his appearance. Like, it's like waxing hair, but instead it's like a car wax, I guess. This man is a faggot. It's weird that they put that in a children's show, but... It is weird.

Oh, well. And the thing about Cad Spinner is that he has this massive lodge that he's re-opening. He has this fucking, like, Ozymandias tier of lodge that he has built. Yes, he has built this massive fucking project. It's explicit that he has diverted, like, 90% of the firefighting budget to building a big lodge, and that lodge is fucking enormous because it needs to be able to have full-size planes in

as, like, customers. Why has he done this? There are there are like internal shots of the lodge that are cyclopean in its fucking architecture it's unbelievable ah it's all made out of wood as well so like god knows yeah we could we can see what's what's gonna happen here um so so there's there's another fire that breaks out. Oh, and while he's there, he notices that fucking Dusty is famous and is like, hey, you should come to the grand opening of this lodge. Yeah, he's kind of a star fucker.

It's weird. Yeah, and he gets his name wrong a couple of times to sort of cement his one bit that he has. Yeah, being rude. And he also says an insane phrase, which is he says, the Secretary of the Interior of the United States will be there. And I wrote, hello? So you... First of all...

Yeah, I kind of like this idea that the Secretary of the Interior is a big deal. What for a national park guy, yeah. Yeah, I did appreciate this look into the cutthroat internal politics and hard partying lifestyle of the National Park Service. So, Dustin gets invited to an after-hours party in a hangar, right? It's like a watch party. They're watching a DVD. He doesn't know what it is yet. And what it turns out to be is a TV show that Blade Ranger used to be on as an actor called Chops.

It's like, it's Chips. Yeah, it's the California Highway Patrol. But but it's shops and it's two helicopters and it's and it's fucking blade ranger yeah and and the helicopter that you lupin lopez a helicopter who without knowing anything else about without knowing the first thing about him, when we did Cars 2 months ago, I posted a picture of him and I went, that helicopter is a fucking twink. And I was right.

I was right to do it, and I have been vindicated once again by history. That helicopter's a twink. It's also racist. It's a twink. Impossible. Oh, I have a drop of the fucking racism. Let's go.

Good move, partner. Man, why you chompy's always spoiling my fun? Hey, you think it's fun running station wagons off the road, you punk? Yeah, when that accident came on, we, both myself and my girlfriend, had to pause the fucking show and go, What the fuck? Because this car is... He's... Yes. Is like a... like a oh my god what is it what would you even call this fucking thing it's not a lowrider either it's it's like i don't even know

it looks kind of like a muscle car but it has flame decals like you would have tattoos on a person it's what the movie um live and let die referred to as a pimp mobile yes yes that's true that's what it is it's it's just oh my god it is a racially coded car and it is given that voice yes and and the cops racialized yes um uh so so so blade ranger and nick lofas work together as like partners in this in in the fiction of this show um and we gone there's there's something legitimately very fun in this one which is that um they go to the blade ranger and his partner nick uh go to rescue someone from like the top story of a building that's burning down and fucking he shoots out his like hoist and catches it and everyone in everyone who's watching it yells

hoist and drink some oil which is which insinuates that there's a drinking game going on which i really do enjoy a lot yeah i appreciated that yeah uh so so we find out about chops, and then we also find out, Dusty gets a call from home, where they say, we thought we found your gearbox, but we can't, so you're gonna stay, uh, Physically deceived! Forever, sorry. And he's like, sad about this. Yeah. Then there's a fire, cause it's a firefighting movie, we blatantly remember

this. And they kind of, they contain this fire, but, at that moment, the VIPs, including such luminaries as the Secretary of the Interior of the United States, fly in, and the downdraft from them flying in reignites the fire. Yep. So, Dusty is, like, impetuous, and like, he, like, thrashes into a river. Blade Ranger tries to save him, and the way in which Blade Ranger ends up saving him is to force the two of them into an abandoned mine and wait for the fire to pass over them which is a a thing that notoriously well i would say famous rather than notorious wildland firefighter ed pelaski did in the great fire of 1910 uh except the i don't know why i know this other than to say that in order to

do this he had to threaten his fire crew with a pistol that he just brought to the fire and also half of them died so and yeah dude's rock yeah so he he like fucking blade ranger like locks in dustin in this fucking cave and you see like this flashover happen and it you get like a really close-up shot of the fire genuinely damaging blade ranger like his metal is pitting and i was like fucking hey that's genuine body horror yeah yeah yeah but also when blade ranger is trying to get him into the the fucking mine uh dusty goes but will suffocate to To which I wrote down simply, how? Your what?

Yeah, well, uh? No, you won't. Your lungs in there? During the... Something else that we should note before the... During... They all go to the grand opening. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's two things we have to note about the grand opening.

Okay. There's a couple of things. of all once again cannot stress enough that this lodge is absolutely insane in its scope massive there's like multiple helipads all over it because you built the bush califra and yellowstone yeah it's insane fucking amazing uh the other thing is that they meet this like camper van couple a couple of RVs called Harvey and Winnie yes because Winnebago and RV very funny but he used to be a tire salesman and we get this line and I just

want to preserve the like dead silence at the end of this line too we wore off the treads on our honeymoon. Yeah. It's a horny movie. It's a really disturbingly horny movie. Disconcertingly horny movie.

Because we haven't been mentioning it because it's table stakes, but every time Dipper is on screen Every time. She has no other thing going on other than horny. There is literally a point where- and it's just this, like, I don't know if it even plays into anything else, but Dusty wakes up in the night and notices that she's just straight watching him through the window.

Oh, oh, I have the drop for this. I like watching you sleep. You can't say that to your co-workers, dude! It's not healthy. It's not appropriate. It's's not healthy it's not appropriate it's not appropriate and so while the Winnebago and the RV

are having a little chat they offer up a toast and they let Windlifter do the toast and Windlifter does the toast in the form of recounting a fable a parable about a chiosi who brought the gift of fire to and here you can hear the if you like the gear change the first vehicles now there's a lot there um yeah what the other thing is the entire time he's

talking there is pan pipes going on in the background and he's lit from under by the fire it's all played completely straight the whole time everyone who's listening to him is again in that mix of like awe and just like bemusement

right they're not like our classic wind lifter my buddy they're just like the myth right is is that the coyote like he burns his paws stealing fire and they become like blackened and he bites them off right it's not that weird in the context of like mythology right but he recounts this and then dusty is like well that's fucking gross man that's crazy you you and it's like it's weirdly racist the other thing is of course um karate i believe karate was a name because instead of saying his own paws this guy goes tires so like oh yeah he does doesn't he this guy ate his own tires. He ate his own tyres.

Yeah, Dusty has a comment on that. And at this point, I'd like to go, did Christopher Columbus just arrive in America and find helicopters there? Is that what we're talking about? Because Columbus would be a car. Or a boat, maybe. Riding a sentient boat, yeah.

Absolutely. He had three boats, the Niño, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, all of which were like... Horrendously racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. He had three boats, the Niño, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, all of which were like... Horrendously racist. Yeah, absolutely. So a bunch of cars in weird sort of pointy helmets showed up to find various societies of helicopters, I guess? Yeah, Mesoamerican societies of helicopters, absolutely. They introduced tractors to the new world.

And Pontiac Aztecs. Fuck off. I was okay, I was happy with that, that's my one. Okay, okay. So fucking Blade Ranger, right, He gets burned up, right? And he saves Dusty, and he's unconscious, and he's grounded for repairs. And Dusty talks to Maru, the forklift, the mechanic, about Chops, about this show that he was on. about chops about this show that he was on and and mario just goes oh yeah nick lupin lopez was killed when he touched some fentanyl or whatever yeah he saw some fentanyl and instantly died is

the problem yeah yeah and so blade ranger was fucking traumatized by this and he never acted again because blade ranger made the most based career choice move ever which is fake cop to real firefighter just immeasurably a better thing to do with your time he he stopped being a fake cop because nick lopez was trying to do a stunt and just fucking died in a freak cross completely ate shit exploded because cars die Cause cars die, right? We know this from Cars 2. Yeah, we established that. It's easy to kill a fucking vehicle.

So, this twink helicopter just smashed bodily into, like, a fucking building. During the filming of the TV show Chops. That's right. And so Blade is traumatized. That also makes another thing, in retrospect, horrifying, because Blade's catchphrase, when Nick Lopez does something cool, is, good move, partner. Right? But then, the bit right before he fucking, before

Dusty crashes and gets Nick fucking burned up, is he finally wins Blade's respect, and Blade uses the fucking line, only to see for the second time in his life, one of his friends just fucking like eat shit immediately.

He must think he's cursed. Like what kind of fucking survivor's guilt is this helicopter carrying around? I can't believe this is my job that it leads me to say this. It's like this. This, yeah, this plane is, this helicopter, my apologies, this helicopter is traumatized completely. Also, in reference to Nick Lopez being a twink, I simply wrote down the word helicocy. Come on. So...

Helicocy was, I think, one of the Athenian scholars. The philosopher. Athenian scholars as a philosopher so Cadspinner like tries to turn on the massive sprinkler system he's had installed in the lodge to protect it from the fire

which has now like jumped its bounds and in doing so he diverts all of the water from the firefighters so they just can't make new fire retardants yeah they just have to stick with like water from the firefighters so they just can't make new fire retardant yeah they just have to stick with like water from the river

instead of the red stuff that they use these guys say retardant a lot it's very fun for that they say retardant a lot if you want a drop of a guy saying retardant I have I gotta mix up a fresh batch of retardant completely normal normal sentence yeah absolutely that's what it is it's a fucking fire retardant Fresh batch of retardants. Completely normal. Normal sentence.

Yeah, absolutely, that's what it is. It's a fucking fire retardant. It's called Foscheck, it's a... Anyway, so... But the fire, like, heads towards the lodge anyway, and they have to evacuate. And at this point,

we have to, like, again, do some firefighting shit, which fine, whatever, not really paying attention. But the RV couple, we met earlier, the insanely horny ones, are trapped, because they're on a bridge in Orgoryn Canyon, because they were trying to find where they had their first kiss and they just went into a fucking wildfire like morons would. So Dusty has to like, push his engine to the limit, the thing that he like, shouldn't do in order to try and save them, and then at that exact moment Blade shows up and he uses the hoist and he sort of saves the fucking thing, but at a horrible cost, because redlining the gearbox causes Dusty

to just crash. Right? Yeah. Now, I'm using here the Wikipedia synopsis to help me along, and it's not very helpful, which is why I've got several scenes in the wrong order, but, if you go to like, we're on to the second to last paragraph of the Wikipedia summary summary thank god uh and it says unconscious dusty is airlifted back to base where he wakes up five days later and at this point someone has embedded a link to the wikipedia page for coma yeah i see i just find that very very funny

but i know it's serious i he's just fucking... he's out for five days. Which is enough time for them to have, like, fixed everything. Yeah, Dibby stayed by his side the whole time. He wakes up and she asks him if he knows what pegging is. Yeah. They, like... They demote Cadspinner and send him to like, Death Valley, and they make an old park ranger who has a stupid hat the new superintendent. Yeah, he's been present.

There's a bunch of characters that show up for like two seconds and go away. Like, there's a firefighting truck. Yeah, who's played by fucking brock samson um who's uh fuck what's the patrick warburton yeah patrick i'm just yeah sorry to be second i was trying to figure out who that was yeah it's the fire truck um he can't not he can't not be in a fucking disney film i don't know what that is just doing anything he can these days i mean it pays the bills you know um now at this point we have to completely undercut the like a plot about physical disability right which is like yeah throughout throughout this movie right we've been going like you know you can have a second career in your life you don't have to like if you

you know dedicated your whole life to something and then for like reasons beyond your control, you can't do it anymore. That's not like, you don't have to like give up. You don't have to like despair. You can find meaning elsewhere. You can like, uh, go and do something else. And in some ways that's as fulfilling and like, you can get the like respect of your friends and co-workers uh without having to like uh you you know kill yourself over it um yeah and that's all that's all interesting and and you know maybe a good lesson for some kids to have but check this out what if instead uh you just fixed it yeah what if you just got better what if he just healed um while he was in that

coma what if what if the forklift fixed him? What if by completing his primary character arc, accepting his disability and learning this new career that already helped people, he is rewarded by being completely healed? I think it would be very funny if that was the way that it worked in real life, is that you had to have total sincerity that you didn't need to be healed, and that's the only way you could be, and God is just like, ahhh, gotcha! Gotcha, bitch! But no, like, I was genuinely like, it is a good lesson to teach kids, in a sort of sensitive way, that sometimes, like, people's capacities and their abilities change and they don't get better. And that sometimes it's not about

getting back to the thing that you used to do, but in finding a new purpose and a new meaning, and instead they just ditch that. Yeah, instead they were just like okay, now you're normal again. You're no longer physically

disabled mp3 like yes it's and and it's fine fine whatever because it's not like he quits being a firefighter immediately thereafter right he does become a firefighter still yeah and he goes home to be the second firefighter to to mayday who has been like refurbished yeah and there's and there's this yeah fuck made mayday's built as shit now that's the other thing you get yeah and there's shiny and there's this yeah fuck mayday's built as shit now that's the other thing you get back yeah insane yeah another lesson for this if you're old just stop yeah stop being old bitch just get get normal again you can be refitted whatever like that's right that's right your age age doesn't exist that's fine there's no there's no major disadvantage to aging you can just deal with

that also physical disability is a myth um and then in the final scene every character that we've met thus far comes down to prop wash junction leaving the national park entirely undefended against fire and they were hanging out in the middle. In the middle of fire season. In the middle of fire season. Ganonically. I'm like, man, okay, maybe leave someone behind. Nope, nope, can't do it. But they all come down to rescue the corn festival again. Yeah, yeah. And I guess Dipper's going to like peg the shit out of Dusty.

I don't know. Yeah, unclear what their relationship is by the end, I think. And then, yeah, he doesn't ever really seem to reciprocate anything. No, not once. She's just horny at him. Like, he could be fucking gay, for all we know. He doesn't, like, he's not interested, but she's like... All he wants to do is go fast, like, he doesn't care about fucking. He doesn't care about pussy or any shit like that, he just wants to be a blessing guy.

No, that plain pussy that plussing um and then the the credits roll and we find out that this movie was directed by a guy called robert bobs ganaway which was really all i needed to like that the perfect little cherry on the top of this movie which is by feral baron what feral baron like will feral surname and then baron with two r's yeah the all of these names are made up absolutely anyway this movie killed the planes franchise absolutely it was it was relatively commercially successful but not enough and and so the character wind lifter

finally was enough and everyone was like okay we can't do this wind lifter doesn't doesn't need to be in anything else they cancelled the sequel to this and in fact they cancelled it so hard they shut down the whole animation studio yeah which is which is one way to one way to finish a franchise absolutely like that's like we can we can never do this again um the other thing is like planes fire and rescue came out 2014 and just like planes came out 2013 so it was just like yeah fucking pumping they were gonna try and do like ten pull like one a year every year. And this one did not, because of the twink helicopter, and the Native American helicopter, and Ed Harris for some reason, and the horny RVs. It's a weird movie, and I'm so, so glad that I made us watch it.

Yep. Do we have any closing thoughts about planes to fire and rescue i have one go on i i have a i have a theory a really out there theory that i can't defend for the life of me and i i will not be accepting scrutiny on this at all which is that i think that the like the point of doing planes as franchise, I think this was demographically targeted, and I think Planes was meant to be the, like, red state version of Cars. And I think that's why they got Dane Cook. Not gonna explain this further, but I choose to believe this. I choose to believe this I think the jokes and the sensibility

in there are closer to a sort of like a PG version of a redneck comedy tour than any of the Cars movies were. You know what? Yeah, actually, you're right You're actually right, because there's a lot more like

genuine homophobia in this one and like, disrespect for Native Americans in this one and like disrespect for Native Americans in this one than there is in like Cars Cars right let's just Cars 2 is about

the comedy relief side character from the first Cars movie becoming an international super spy yeah and about how being trans is deceptive being trans is bad yeah yeah but that's that's table stakes that's just normal um everyone thinks that absolutely we all agree with that of course of course um planes to planes to as much lower stakes i'll tell you that for a fact that's true that's absolutely true they didn't they didn't bother to

go with the uh the world ending like fucking all-in-all, fucking... No, although that does remind me, there is one line we skipped over, right? Oh, go on. Which is, at the beginning of his training, right, so Blade Ranger has to, like, kind of put Dusty in his place, because he's like, quite cocky, right? Yes. But Dusty has, like, done shit before, right? Like, he flew around the world. And he says as much, he's like,? Like, he flew around the world.

And he says as much. He's like, I flew around the world. I'm not an idiot. And Blade Ranger, in perfect Ed Harris ominous voice, drops the hardest line. And he just goes, was the world on fire when you did it? What? Was the whole world on fire when you did it what was the whole world on fire and he's like this is a situation that i regularly encounter as a firefighter and to be fair later on there's

like a shot where they're flying through the fire to get out to the other side so they can head it off because there's just no way to go around it it's it's so out of control and fucking hell it did like they sell the whole world is on fire in that shot oh yeah the the the fire effects on this pretty good it's it's it just it reminds me most specifically of like the bit in fucking mad max fury road when they drive into the sandstorm and it's like volume cuts out there's just particles so the the lesson here from from this podcast is that this movie is as good as Mad Max Fury Road, if not better. I wouldn't say that because Mad Max Fury Road is maybe one of my favorite movies ever made. No, no, I think we can end this by saying that it's a better movie than Mad Max Fury Road. This has been Kill James Bond.

You got any final thoughts, Abby? Hello, my name's Abigail. Okay. There she is. I just, you know, she's just such a delight Absolutely I don't think that this is a piece of art I think that this is a cynical

piece of fanfiction is what I think this is I didn't actually know that was what that one was but you know what it fits too perfect it really does and it's your pick for the next one because we're doing another double dragon episode yeah just in case oh man i will i will have a thing my main problem i'm excited to find out it's every time i think of a movie that i'd like to talk about on this i then have to attempt to find any possible way to stream the fucking thing.

Yeah, I have to actually watch it. Anyway, we will see you for whatever piece of Australian-Hong Kong joint-produced martial arts nonsense that turns out to be. Almost certainly. what a great episode of the kill james bond podcast i'm recording this outro as i typically do the day before this episode goes live and i am sick as a fucking dog right now and i have to read out 52 names so let's just go ahead and crack right on with that. Neil James Bond will return in two weeks time on the free feed hopefully with Skyfall we will see if not it might well be another Double Dragon and we'll see what we can do but if two weeks is simply too long for you to wait you can head on to

our patreon where we upload bonus episodes and that's patreon.com killjamesbond but special thanks of course to our 15 pounds and above patrons and those are forks winchester christine fox paint mccallough jack holmes george rohack thomas oberhardt british pterodactyl sol nicky Oh, fuck me. Leave that in. Amanda Rogda, Max Gamenhart, Sidney Steckle, Dread Pirate,

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