Upstream - Episode 25.83: Mad Mission 3 (Our Man From Bond Street)

Episode Date: February 9, 2022

Alright let me initially make the case for this movie: This is the single biggest movie in Hong Kong at the height of the classic hong kong era of movies (the year 1984), and it parodies beats and characters from the bond movies.   Now, the anti point here is that uuuuuuh it's fucking impossible to find a non-illegal link to watch this movie because modern movie distribution companies are just that, companies. And someone in a fucking boardroom has made the decision that preserving movies like this simply isn't worth it.   So here's a podcast episode about a reasonably ok movie, largely to make a wider point about movie preservation. Find the whole episode at our reasonably-priced patreon!  https://www.patreon.com/posts/62310810 *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

hello and welcome to another episode of kill j Bond, a podcast with two drops from this movie. That's right, baby. Second Double Dragon. Two hosts, two drops. Let's go. That's right, that's right. I got to pick one, and Dev got to pick one, and you got to pick a little movie that I like to call Aces Go Pl three our man from bond street mad mission three that's right a movie with a baffling amount of titles and a baffling amount of of things going on it yep the movie it starts very slowly um and then it just it just keeps gaining speed until the end where you're like please stop stop. Please. It continues so much. Now, for a little bit of context here, right, I gave you the opportunity to, like, that makes it sound very munificent of me. Yeah, thank you, beautiful host of mine.

I deem to, like, offer you the privilege to, like, suggest a movie that we could talk about. to like uh offer you the privilege to like suggest a movie that we could talk about and what you what you came back with was a link to a website called kissasian.com listen that's not quite the case i believe i had some additional context in that i said i've got a movie and just that link. Yeah, just that link, which seemed like it was a phishing thing. But I clicked on it, and when I clicked on it, it took me to a magical web browser where every time I did anything, it opened three or four tabs in my browser.

And that's not the movie's fault. I mean, it's not Mad movie's fault i mean it's it's not mad mission three aces go places our man from bond street's fault that no one decided to put it on a decent streaming service it's not it's not mad mission three our man from bond street aces go places fault that now my default browser has changed and i have a new screensaver and all of my bank accounts are empty. Frankly, not enough people are using screensavers these days. That's true. The screen just goes black these days.

Bring back the pipes. Bring back the pipes. Oh, the pipes. Bring back the pipes. So this immediately sent me into a spiral, this movie, because after clicking on it and clicking away the three or four tabs that had opened telling me that hot milfs in my area wanted to date me.

You know, I get thousands of these messages a day, I can't be bothered to answer all of them. I was assorted by a sort of minor key non-copyright infringement version of God Save the Queen. It's not good. That that's the opening title right we we do a like a and god save the queen isn't copyright you're allowed to use god save the queen but no they they slightly change one or two notes here and there and we open then in in Paris. In Paris. Paris, France. That city, so famously associated with the British National Anthem. And at this point, I wrote down, because I tried to pause it to process, and what I did was this opened another four tabs of local MILFs in my area, and penis extension pills,

and things of that nature. It's like, no, I'm trying to get pills to do the opposite of that um but what i what i wrote down in my notes here is simply i posted this on on the twitter account in my nice cursive devon why are you doing this to me i was like a sister to you the movie the movie loves to do things and one of the main things it loves to do is open additional tabs in your browser just as a piece of like film theory it's a great like uh authorial technique to open a shitload of tabs it's yeah it's like a multimedia experience right because it makes you close the tabs um as a statement that's right something absolutely uh so so we begin in paris where sam hoy who is more famous as as a musician i discover but was was also in these

movies he plays king kong who is an international jewel thief and this is this is like the third in the series it's been quite like a sort of like wildly successful franchise in hong kong oh hugely yeah it's like like the most successful domestically produced uh like hong kong film franchise and so you're just expected to know who this guy is movie and yet you can't fucking find this movie anywhere this shit was like 480p absolutely absolutely and no one tells you who this guy is he's just a guy just a guy wearing a full white denim outfit who is fit yeah yeah yeah who is i guess he's he's scoping out some cisgender women like yeah it's not even made clear um what he's doing because

he's just sort of as a telescope women and he's looking at asses with it yeah little does he realize there is another person there who has got another telescope and is looking at his ass yes and she is she is an attractive woman wearing like a a weird futuristic pair of red sunglasses and like a lot of leather uh and she she like scopes him out too, and she zooms in on his ass, and that gets a little crosshair target acquired thing. Which may be the episode up, because I did save that. So while they're ass-targeting each other, she tries to kill him, she misses. And this leads to a chase scene up the Eiffel Tower, where he enters a lift and discovers dubbed Richard Keel. None other than just straight up Jaws.

Straight up Jaws, dubbed, like, that was him laughing in the beginning. Like this. That's Richard Keel. Notably not what the guy sounds like, but alright. No. Yeah. He also doesn't have the Jaws teeth. He's just a big guy.

He's just a big guy. He even speaks later on. And it's like, okay. He's credited as Big G. Which is like a great... Hell yeah. There's a bunch of names in the credits that are never said in the movie

and they're all great. Because Jaws shows up and Oddjob shows up a bit later. And when Oddjob shows up, for a second I thought it was actually Harold Sakata before realising that was stupid because Harold Sakata would be like 90 years old by the time this movie came out.

To be fair they they did manage to get a guy who looks a shitload like him it's sumihara sugiyama who is yeah he's a japanese wrestler months to look like carol cicarta um he was in the fucking 1964 olympics like this is genuinely just another japanese wrestler they got yeah and and so so not odd job rides up to him on a boat throws the hat at him which misses he like catches in his briefcase and the moment this movie won me over was when not odd job pulls out a second hat and just rides away laughing yeah it's genuine i love this fucking movie like i genuinely really like this movie even though it's not really very good um and the comedy is all for a culture that i'm firmly not a part of so i don't

really understand a lot of the beats oh this this whole first 10 minutes of the movie unwatchable it's literally it's just a succession of hey, you remember this from James Bond? It's like- This is not the most unwatchable movie intro I will bring to you. I'm sure it isn't, but for the moment, this is a lot like, I think a lot about the play Mr Burns, a post-Electric play, where after the apocalypse, a bunch of survivors try and make a living as traveling bards recounting episodes of the simpsons they half remember uh this the opening 10 minutes of this movie it's a really

good it's a really good play um the uh the opening 10 minutes of this movie are like trying to like reconstruct a bond movie from our podcast or when i actually know no it's worse than that it's like trying to reconstruct a bond movie from our posts yeah like if you listen to the podcast you could probably get a pretty solid idea of what of the bond movie is like yeah yeah yeah whereas if you just if you just got it from from things of that nature yeah exactly if you just got it from our post you'd be like ah the wiggler an essential part of any james bond. It's the part that we all know and love. You put him in the Wiggler in the start

so everybody knows that it's James Bond. Yeah, that's the best way to establish continuity of character. Every time you use a new actor, it's put him in the Wiggler. And everyone's like, thanks, that's James Bond. I get it. Yeah, absolutely. This is the end of the free segment of this episode

if you would like to hear more of this episode uh including several bits that are funny you can head on down to patreon.com slash killjamesbond and sign up today abby abby's coming back she's coming back please

please abby's gonna be back soon