Upstream - Episode 30: No Time To Die (KJB Live from Streatham)

Episode Date: April 13, 2022

We finally did it. At 19:30 on the 8th of April, we slew the coward James Bond in front of an audience of 125 at the Streatham Space Project. This is the audio of that event. Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond   *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

Get this party started on a Saturday night Everybody's waiting for me to arrive I've got lots of style, check my gold diamond rings I can go for mild if you know what I mean All right, all right, settle down, settle down. Now, James Bond, he survived North Korean scorpion torture camp. North Korean scorpion torture camp. He survived the lairs of Blofeld, wet Blofeld, even space Blofeld. But tonight,

James Bond will not leave Streatham alive. Well, good evening. Thank you all for coming. It's Kill James Bond. I am Alice Caldwell-Kelly. Joining me are Abigail Thorne and Devin. The way that I structured that, you gave Dev all of the like chips there.

He did one for Abby now. As is deserved. So it's like we have, you know, acclaimed actor and YouTuber, Abigail Thorne. Nothing. No sale. And then also, Devon. That's right. How we doing, sport?

It's so good to see all of you. It's so wonderful to be here to talk about No Time to Die, a movie with a Roger Moore-ass title. Really, really into the weeds i mean this is like no time forever always again only once level of titling and see yeah never again pussy only once

i say that to myself every morning oh my god well i mean what is there to say about this movie? I will say that the title, No Time to Die, the reason why it's a Bond title is because they were so pathologically afraid of spoilers while this was being made, that they were like, nothing can get out about this. We can tell no one. No one must know the terrible secret. And they did this with Specter as well with casting christoph

alt as blofeld and then going no he's just just a guy just a random german guy don't worry about it don't worry about it just has a weird sky it's like slightly bored it's fine it's fine it's really it's fine um so yeah they just called this movie don't worry they're like they can't know he dies at the end we need to call it bond forever or some shit no i mean by this point the bond franchise is almost as secretive as mi6 uh just for like i would say marginally more moral reasons but so so we begin in in a snowy landscape uh in the past and we can tell it's the past because there's a little girl playing with a Tamagotchi. She's actually watching the French dub of The Wrong Trousers,

which is one of the worst things I can imagine. Like child abuse to do this to. Zut alors, mon trousers. Les pantalons fosses. Yeah. do they still like wensleydale in the french i don't know it might be brie even impossible to tell um so this little girl she lives with her her alcoholic mother in the sort of wreckage of a family in a very nice house and we find out very quickly on that this is madeline swan leo sadu from the previous movie uh and she is mr white specter sort of like go-to plot element filler guys daughter the pale king yes um and i kind of honestly i kind of like the idea of like a spy's family being dysfunctional right it's been explored better in other places but yeah this theme will not continue and this is a this is something that we can kind of like

come back to throughout this movie is it finds an interesting theme and then discards it immediately the theme is that there's like no theme yeah absolutely it's very post-modern in that sense the whole theme of saffron is just what if there was a guy who looked what if he looked fucked up would that be crazy why does he look fucked up don't worry about it i mean we've never done that before yeah no absolutely he's wearing a no mask why it's because it's cool fuck off no idea what's the significance of the fucking mask help me no we have to we have to introduce a guy a guy appears over the horizon and he's wearing a no mask um and he's wearing an admittedly sick all white sort of like combat outfit and he has a gun and what he does then is a fantastic lesson in how to network that's right because he breaks in the

house and he delivers a very clear very concise you want to start a job interview this way right by breaking in with a gun yeah by breaking in. Absolutely. It really increases your chances. That's how Dev and I got on the podcast. Absolutely. It was terrifying. But no, he begins with, state your name, Lucifer Safin. Come on. For fuck's sake. What?

Such a first draft ass name. So good. Oh, let me tell you about the first draft of this movie. In the first draft of this movie, he was going to be wearing Siberian bear fighting armor. That is not a joke. What? Who fucking made the decision to scrap that? What is their fucking address?

Also, Dev is going to buy some Siberian bear fighting armor right now. Next live show that we do just clanking out onto stage but no he introduces himself if you're gonna fight an unarmed woman and a small girl that's what you need and he

still fucks it hello I am you you to for saffin you your husband mr. white the pale king killed my family therefore i'm gonna kill you and also your kids and so he he kills mr white's wife mrs white um mrs wife mrs wife it's not even named just whatever yeah absolutely um i mean she's just fridged first 10 minutes to be fair after they came up with Lutzifer Saffin, they took the day off.

Yeah, I mean, that's... Fucking we did it, boys. That's a lot of energy. We nailed this shit. That's a lot of energy to use on a name. Absolutely. But if you've listened to our Jason Bourne episodes, you'll know something about spies.

And the thing about a good spy is they always keep a concealed pistol in their house in a really awkward place, ready to kill someone who ambushes them. Now, in the Bourne movies that's a fridge gun. It lives in a guy's fridge.

Gotta keep the gun chilled? Exactly. I love a gun, especially when it's served at the correct temperature! God damn it served at the perfect temperature 38.2 degrees um but no mr white has gone a step further than this even because he doesn't have a fridge gun he has a cupboard underneath the sink gun yeah and and this is on a little rack too like he's ready to to grab it which is very funny because i imagine someone breaking into mr white's isolated home and him going do you mind if i do the dishes give me a minute hang on i need to yeah i have the fairy liquid right in here the fridge makes more sense can be like oh're going to kill me. Well, would you like a drink

first? Because I can just... What the fuck? How are you going to get to the sink? He's like trying to be smooth. You wouldn't deny a condemned man a chance to wash the dishes, would you? His one final washing up before you kill me, Mr. Safin.

I promised my wife I would. She's going to be so upset if I don't do it. My wife was bleeding out on the carpet next to me. She's going to be very upset. So a young Madeline, she picks up the sink gun, tries to hide from Safin. He's stomping around in his no mask. The way he's introduced, incidentally,

is he walks up in the creepy no mask to the door of your nan's house. It's literally, it's the same kind of gutted glass door and it's just great, fantastic. It's like a bathroom window. He's like a bogus gas inspector. He's going to defraud some OAPs.

But so she ambushes him and she shoots him several times. Bang! And the dirt is gone. Fuck off! She, she, she sillip bangs him. He falls, he falls off a staircase and lands pretty heavily on like a hardwood, very tasteful hardwood Scandinavian floor. Right.

And, and so there isn't really an Ikea instruction manual for this. Right. But she just drags him outside, I guess. Um, she breaks, she's broken his mask and you can see that underneath his mask.

Guess what time it is. It's facial deformity time. We love... Don't woo that. Can I get a big woo for facial deformities unnecessarily added to movie villains.

Canceled. Canceled. None of you are free of sin. This is our promise to you. The first three rows will get cancelled. Unfortunately, Mr. White's sink gun is loaded with tranquilizer

bullets. Because after having been shot several times in the chest and falling off the thing he just kind of like gets up again he's fine it's the classic like jason thing right he just like sits back up and is just sort of doesn't say anything but the implication is kind of like oh that kind of winded me a bit because he was shot in the front and she's dragging him on his back and there's blood there so he's been fully perforated. Oh, at least one bullet. And he just goes like, fuck, all right, hang on. He just gets like, oh, I'm all right, don't worry.

So he gets up and he chases Madeline Swan onto an icy lake where she falls in. And in a moment of sort of inscrutable emotion, he chooses to shoot around her and free her and save her life and as she is pulled from the water we return to the present day where leah sado current madeline uh is take a swim with james bond in italy and i will say this this is this is a fine bit of writing it's a fine bit of character growth james bond or the craig james

bond craig fingersuck right his his character has been kind of defined by being unable to tell when a woman has like has a terrible secret and is going to betray him even when every one of her facial expressions lines and like personal effects screams james bond i have a terrible secret and i'm going to be forced to betray you and so to be fair i've also had that problem in the past and so the second he sees her he's gonna tell him i'm a lesbian any moment that happens to me all the time the second he sees that madeline swan looks a bit weird he just immediately goes oh it's another algerian love knot situation is it all right fine what's what's going you're gonna you're gonna be forced

to betray me because you have a deep and terrible secret fine um so they're in southern italy and daniel craig he's a fine actor but he's really trying to sell james bond as happy they don't know how to fucking do it nice it's sweet he's like making jokes i don't think he can carry it off i think i think james bond is is too too driven a character to ever be able to relax. But what they do is she asks him to drive faster and he goes, we have all the time in the world. So you can clap like a seal and go, that's

the line from Her Majesty's Secret Service. If I did clap like a seal. Of course. I just respect George Leia's behavior. The problem they've run into is that James Bond is happy and he has no fucking idea how to be happy

and they ran into this problem with Timothy Dalton where he just affected a sort of like ha ha ha ha little laugh all the time What a story it matters If you can all laugh like that from now on Please don't It would make't, please don't.

It would make the show much worse. Don't do anything. I want to be really clear. You don't have to do anything she says. Some of them are doing it. When we started planning a live show, she just started saying things that would be there. And I was like, you can't say this.

Please. I'm organizing this. The only thing that I've been able to successfully organize for the show is i promised that there will be a spray bottle front and center as and when and so this is this is a specific scene later on where all three of us will dive for that this is this is mutually assured destruction absolutely but so i've got one over here under a sink. Would you deny me one last washing up? But he tells her, we have all the time in the world. And then just in case you're really slow on the uptake,

it plays, we have all the time in the world. Just for anyone who is like, wait a second, I know that line from somewhere, but I'm not going to inquire any further. So they go to the city of Matera, where the tradition, and this is fully made up. This is once again the Day of the Dead Mexico City Parade. The tradition is to burn little slips of paper containing your secrets or your wishes or the past. Because this movie has encountered the theme of letting go of the past.

And it will, again, drop this. Immediately. So, he and Madeline check into the hotel. They have sex. It's very perfunctory. Because, again, they can't really sell Bond as being happy. They can't really sell Bond as horny, either. They actually aren't really very good at that. He has sex once

in this movie, and it's now. Yeah, he has sex, and he's kind of, like, chuckling kind of like chuckling like fuck it yeah all right i'll go along with this see where this is leading um all right all right hang on this is like like a man who has had the concept of sex like loosely explained to him once and it's like yeah all right i'll give that i'll try anything once so the next morning madeline puts on her sort of psychiatrist act again and she goes listen you have to let vespa lynn from casino royale go she's buried here conveniently in this very city where we are now so girlfriends are always doing this bringing up your ex and specifically telling you to let go they always do i love doing that bringing up the mausoleum of your ex um yeah

so lana very she looks straight into a camera and just like states the give me a second james i will only love you if you go to next location she just states the theme of the movie. She just looks, she's like, nothing's really dead. And I'm like, oh,

fucking okay. All right. Except you in two and a half hours. And, and, and I, if you do this, if you make peace with the memory of Vesper,

then I will tell you my horrible secret, which is try sex again, maybe. We'll see. Yeah, absolutely. Come on. I will tell you my horrible secret, and they're really hyping up how horrible the secret is. I mean, let me tell you, right,

they have... Do I have this drop here? This is so fucking awkward. Do you want to put that on the other side of you? No, it's fine. And when her secret finds its way out, and it will, it will be the death of you the other side of you? No, it's fine. And when her secret finds its way out, and it will, it will be the death of you.

Let me tell you right now, the secret is not that big. The secret is like, I once met a weird guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The secret is just, met a guy one time. We have seen the secret already,

and the secret is, saw a guy. The secret took one scene to get get us completely over on it's it's not we're on board with it but crucially one sentence crucially james isn't and so he thinks it's the worst possible thing imaginable so he goes to the the cemetery and at this point there are some guys hanging around with slick back hair open open shirts and sunglasses which every single one of them is on the phone at that moment going in italian yo james bond just walked in here right now the most suspicious looking motherfuckers alive these guys all have like closing the hench app

as he walks up like just like yep think I've got a new gig. So he asks one of them to take him to Vesper Lynn's tomb. Big stone tomb. And he has a sort of emotive moment where he says, I really like this moment. He says I'm sorry. And he says, I miss you. For James

Bond to say that, it's really sweet. He asks her for her forgiveness. And then... Trying to gin up a Mitchell bit. It's really sweet. He asks her for her forgiveness. And then... Trying to gin up a Mitchell bit. I mean, look. What if it was Mitchell's grave? Wouldn't that be funny? Yeah, that would be funny. Imagine if you said that.

So if you could all do the Dalton laugh, please. Don't. I've got the meeting out of my hand now. I can just do this. So he has this big emotional moment, and he notices there are fresh flowers on the grave, and a little card. The little card has an octopus on it,

almost as if it had been planted there by... The author of all your pain. He has written a little greeting card. That's what he's the author of. The author of a signed small business card that just says, lol. Just turns it over. It's got the cry laugh emoji on it. These days, legally,

every action film has to have one scene where an explosion goes off and then the sound gets weird for a little bit. So it's really nice that they did this before even the credits. They just got it out of the way. He gets fully hurtlocked. What happens is... The sound of Bloodfelds works perfectly and the bomb goes off right in James Bond's face.

It doesn't kill him. He's fine. I would have used more explosives. I was about to say, you know where he's going to be. He's not even three feet from from this tomb and he just walks it off um he's like a little tattered he's like mildly buzzed by it yeah he he's deaf for like a minute um and he tries to call madeline to be fair i want a really nice

touch here is that the music that starts like the action music is also like a little low past which i quite liked i thought i was sure i want to up top so this movie is made like really well yes every shot is fucking gorgeous the people who directed it shot it edited it knew what they were fucking doing and they tried their absolute best the problem is pre-meditation the problem is it's written by the same two slur the every single i can't cover you i can't either uh every single bond film since fucking like what was the one with the anarchists oh well there's not enough well there's not enough every film since then has been written by the same like three guys yeah purvis and wade neil purvis and robert Neil Purvis and Robert Wade.

And they're here tonight! They better not be. They better not show their faces. They dint. Yes. So Bond then starts running. We see that the phone is off the hook because every single one of the hench guys

has immediately booked it. They've gone to get changed into slightly darker shades and all pile into one car with submachine guns. And then we see our chief henchman of this film, and we're going to need you to woo because we have facial disfigurement number two. Let's go! Before we've even had the opening credits.

This guy's name is Primo, right? Let's go! Before we've even had the opening credits. This guy's name is Primo, right? But Bond calls him Cyclops. That's just a nickname Bond makes up for him. He's Bill does that. Like in the credits. Primo slash Cyclops.

It's like if you were credited as Devon slash dipshit. yeah yeah so it's like if like you were credited as devon slash dipshit i'm not upset by that don't pretend i'm emotionally affected no i i'm i'm i'm gonna spend the next hour and a half hurting your feelings and incidentally incidentally talk about the movie no time to Die. Fucking empty. I know where you keep your squirt bottle. So, clearly, what Blofeld has done, right, is he's been on the team's meeting to plan this, right?

And he's gone, okay, so we put a big bomb in the tomb where we know he's going to be, but we know that won't kill him. So what we should also then do, what you should do after that is you should get in the car and you should shoot him with the submachine guns that also don't work. Yeah, genuinely, there are gunshots going off for five seconds before he notices. That's like the welcome messages to just spray the bridge

that he's on with gunfire to no effect whatsoever. The bridge is thinner than this stage, and he's stood there, and he just does not... No sail. There's not even a sense of danger. So we get our first big stunt, which is Primo slash Cyclops is on a dirt bike. There are four guys in a car.

They're closing towards him, and so he simply jumps off the bridge, grabs a wire, and swings. And then, for what feels like the 60th time in the series, clotheslines a guy off a motorcycle. This is Primo. Now, Primo is fighting. Bond is strangling him.

He has a bionic eye, that's why he's called Cyclops. Yes, he has one bulged out eye. This will come up later. Yes. Christ, will this come up? But so, at this point, I don't mean to hype this up too much, but I realized that I could create a drop that was so powerful that the first time that I heard

it, I was laid out for a full minute. I was trying not to spoil it for these two, but unfortunately Soundcheck got in the way of that. But he's grabbing the guy, and the guy says to him, A great pog day! I've got to tell you, the perfect sense is in the guards! And I've got to tell you So fucking funny She kept this secret from me from so long

She tried to play it to me one time We were on Discord and I left the call immediately You just left You know what, fuck it, I'll give it to you again in fact A great pog day And I've got to tell you that Bluffet sends his regards know what fuck it i'll give it to you again in fact a great pog day and i gotta tell you that and and he tries to sell him on on the idea that maybe madeline is the one who betrayed him because she's a daughter of specter he knows this he knows that's how we met like the yeah the whole plot of the previous one is predicated

on the fact he knows that this is the daughter of a specter guy and he like charges into the hotel room and he's like how did they know that i would visit the grave of the woman i haven't shut up about for 18 fucking years how did they know and it's like any i could have fucking told you this so you drive an extremely distinctive car everyone who drives past is like that's james bond's car how could specter the notoriously wealthy criminal organization afford to keep four italian guys on payroll for years it's just sort of a make work program at that point um but so yeah what happens then is he pushes her into into the db5 and then if you've ever had the experience of being in traffic

behind a couple who are having a row in the car in front that's a transcendent experience would be made a lot worse if the couple had machine guns in the wings of the car. Yes. Yeah. I mean, they really do try to make it like a scene of like emotional tumult. Right. Blofeld calls her mobile phone and tries to say, thank you so much for all your help. Like, you've been so loyal to me all the time.

Thank you. He just says like cryptic bullshit. He literally, I don't know. He says, your sacrifice will be our glory, which is like pretty obviously. to me all the time. Thank you very much. He just says cryptic bullshit to her for no reason. He literally says your sacrifice will be our glory which is pretty obviously I am framing you for this and it will help us so thanks.

But Bond is properly sulking about this. He's so mad. He won't even talk to her really. And then in this sort of emotional scene. I can't believe you did this we had sex i assume that's what that was we we we did something it was it was touch my pee pee come on this genuine he like he gets cornered and she's like james please like

primo is there and he's fucking shooting at like the bulletproof that's what she said james please not in front of primo she's like james primo from the movie no time to die is here you can't action figures in stores now you can't and like james acts like he doesn't want to start the fucking miniguns yeah no he's like he's like oh fine i'll start them but shut up you are doing that every fucking opportunity and i know it in your car would you ever sulk about using them and incidentally the reason why he has to use the miniguns is because of a joke from a roger moore bond movie chase essentially because we cut to a guy being ordered by specter to like herd his sheep let the sheep out onto the roads and it really fucks with the tone of this it's like this this sort of like great emotional betrayal is witnessed by primo 50 specter guys

madeline and a shitload of sheep and their sheep and their shepherds it's it's very strange um so he uses he uses the gatatling guns in the DB5. This is like the big trailer moment, right? He drives in a circle. This does nothing. It does nothing. Primo is stood two foot from the car when it starts, and he's fine. He actually just walks around the car as it's spinning.

He's just completely in the blind spot. No worries. He hears them winding up, and he's like, oh, shit. no worries like he hears them like uh winding up and he's like oh shit james bond is about to use his special attack i better get behind uh like one car and he's fine because everyone knows every detail of james bond's fucking car at this point so he starts revving up the miniguns and primo's response is like oh and he's like gets behind a different car and he's fine so so of course, James believes that she has a terrible secret. It's not really that terrible of a secret.

And he's, she has like betrayed him and he, he puts her on a train and he's like, you will never see me again. And as he's leaving, she like clutches her hand to her stomach in the most, I am pregnant and it's yours. Uh, this is supposed to be a plot twist. Uh, but yesterday. twist. From yesterday. From last night. I already know. She touched his penis

once. These things happen. You can't laugh at the risk of these things. I do love that nobody ever explained to Bon that sex makes children. So he's completely fucking blindsided by the child later on. What? How did that work? Like, what?

You're telling me we made a baby? How? How? Having to show James Bond like a teen sex video with like birds in the air. It's all very natural, James. You may notice changes in your growing body. I'm explaining it to James and I've sat

on the chair like this. Like, listen up, bud. You're trying to present a less daunting aspect to James Bond. So we get the titles at this point, and we get the song, and... I liked it. I liked the song. When Lena Sidhu's looking sad, and then

Billie Eilish cuts in, like, crooning, and it genuinely did give me chills, but the reason for that is because I'm what is known medically as a fucking rube. Like, I know I'm a dipshit. This kind of shit works on me. It's no one's fault. Absolutely.

And the titles introduce us to the theme of the film. Yeah, fucking right. Which is British decline. We have a lot of images of statues falling down. This is good. This is good. This is good that we are clearing. Sadly, this theme also does not come back. What they

do is they go back to the same sort of textural well here because for three movies at least, they've been trying to sell the idea of a declining empire as something that you express in the form of like portland stone and raw concrete and so you have like these big concrete statues of britannia crumbling it's very evocative it would have been more evocative if they hadn't also used this in

fucking skyfall where silver lives in a big concrete ruin and then goes to james bond oh it seems like we both live in a big concrete ruin and then goes to James Bond it seems like we both live in a big concrete ruin James Bond yours is called Britain great line I mean honestly like they've been trying to make this land since the title was to Goldeneye

with a big like hammer and sickle all of that shit ruled that was the decline of Britain it was good because there were sexy ladies destroying the statues, which we don't have in this one. Yeah, absolutely.

Anyway, five years later, Hugh Dennis gets fucking murdered. Yes. Someone, someone, I'm like, that's Hugh Dennis

and he gets fucking murdered. So I'm like, Cyclops turns up and mocks the weak. Someone, someone, someone, Dara O'Brien Cyclops turns up and mocks the weak. Someone... Doro Breen in a balaclava is sick of his fucking shit.

So what happens is we're in a skyscraper. Going Frankie Boyle. A skyscraper lab in central London where the sort of amazing techno CGI specter squad show up. And like for each individual obstacle, they have a piece of technology that over solves that problem. You need to get through a window. They have a couple of laser cutters. You need to like get down an elevator shaft.

They have a bomb covered in magnets. This is sick. This is actually sick to me. It is, but they also have to get the guy they kidnap a scientist called Dr. Obruchev and they steal a chemical weapon. Dr. Obruchev. Valdo Obruchev. Let me give you a sense of the kind of

character that we're talking about with Valdo Obruchev. This is one of his lines we have big plan you know it's like me doing the voice hello hugh dennis welcome to secret skyscraper lab what this is it's it's like milo doing yeltsin and he's in the movie for like 90 of it and he doesn't ever stop doing that voice he's he is this comedy russian weapons scientist he he works with hugh dennis and right before the the specter guys show up he gets a phone call from the youth of asafen saying yeah this is this is what's going to happen. You should download the data, put it

on a thumb drive, and just swallow it. To be honest, does that shit dry? That's impressive. He doesn't even get a glass of water. He's just down the hatch. Anyway, they break in. They steal this big bad chemical weapon. Project Heracles. Heracles. They push him down the lift shaft, and it's got magnet

dots, so he levitates at the bottom. Why? And also, they badly ADR him going, magnets into it, just in case you didn't pick up on that. It's magnets. There's a lot of bad ADR in this film. It's bad ADR and bad accents. I mean, again, just...

We have big plan, you know. What I like about, like... We have big script. You jump down, like like a fucking elevator shaft that's coated in magnets, and you are yourself wearing magnets. If they fuck the polarity up, that is a fucking that is a gorse cannon.

Dr. Obrachef gets fucking atomized. They don't give him like any of the safety briefings you get before an MRI even. So like, if he's wearing a tie clip or something, dead. Or even any fillings. They've just been pulled through his fucking brain. Yeah, no, absolutely.

So we also see James Bond for the first time in like a half hour. Thriving, moisturized, in his lane. He's in boomer retirement. The most boomer place to retire which is of course Jamaica. Because that's where who wrote these fucking books? Ian Fleming.

Thank you so much. He's retired on Jamaica. He showers outside like Shrek. Yes. He's got a cool Shrek shower. He yep he has he has a big house he has a boat he has a land rover um and it's it's like very inconspicuous because like the hardest person in the world to keep track of in terms of surveillance is a white guy with a big house on jamaica so hasn't he got smart blood in as well at this yeah tracking device

they inject him with smart blood every movie he's more smart blood than regular blood shit's just like coagulating in there um felix is there too fel Felix, Felix, C.I.A. Yes. C.I.A. BFF. Yes. Also, I've got this kid with me. Yes. So what he does is he, Felix leaves a trail of cigar ash for him,

which is the most like flirtatious thing ever. And they really, they do. I appreciate this kind of, they do make Bond a bit of a gay flirt in this movie. He calls M darling at one point when he sees light as friend he's like who's the blonde it's it's very yeah in in his retirement he's exploring himself and he's finding things yeah absolutely so so lighter says is there anywhere

we can we can talk about this job i want you to do and bond goes yes what about the bar that every spy in the world is in cyclops is that primo's in there as well james doesn't recognize it not only is primo there but also every single shot of bond in jamaica there is a slightly longer than necessary focus on a beautiful woman in the background who is just sort of going about her business, we believe, but she's also in the bar. And yeah, no, come on, guys. You need to be a lot more subtle than this.

What's extra good is like in the previous scene, I just wrote Tanner in full caps. He's in there. I don't think he has a line, but he's there, baby. I saw him and I was like, that's Tanner! Like, he just was like, get 007. And then it cuts to bond but like bond hon's retired he's not 007 yes who's 007 who's 007 it's it's the woman yeah the woman that we hold on every shot that was possible also when we're in london we see that emma's running project

heracles off the books and he's trying to cover it up. He doesn't want money pennies to tell the Prime Minister or anyone. Listen, every single expression M has in this movie is what I would describe as incriminating. He walks into a room. Someone says, hello M, how's it going?

And he goes, what? No, I didn't authorize a secret bioweapon. He's like Brian Cox in the second Bourne film, where he's just like, I had nothing to do with it. Really? It was an illegal kill squad. He is sweating out of every pore in his body. Anyway, Felix is like, hey, this chemical weapons guy has gone missing with a chemical weapon.

We think he's in Cuba. We think that you, retired agent for another country, are the ideal candidate to do this for us. Bond loves to do treason, and he loves to work for the CIA. He really fucking does. It's like the third time. And he does point this out. He's like, well, why are you asking me?

The CIA and MI6 aren't talking to each other. And Lysa just goes like, because we're bros. Yeah, he says, I wouldn't trust anyone else with this because of Donald Trump, James Bond. Yes. Also, this kid who's with me is a political appointee. This new character who's had a lot of lines. Don't be suspicious about him.

Logan Ash, or as I like to call him, American Mitchell. He really is just like, I'll check the perimeter. And you're like, he's in the scene too. I wonder what he's going to do. He's got a clock over his head counting down to when he betrays everyone. He a lot he's very affable he's very sort of white collar and bond looks at him and he says soto vocho to felix where do you get the book of mormon i did quite like james bond saw the book of mormon yeah and he fucking loved it as well. He fucking loved it. His favorite. James Bond's one pastime when he gets home from a long day of murders is to go and take in a West End show.

He loves killing, and he also loves the mousetrap. He loves the Lion King. He's like, me? Yeah. I haven't seen enough shows to join in on this joke. I just want to register that I'm also here. What you want to do is you want to deploy the name Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

No, it's the Cursed Child. Oh, I know more than you. Whatever. James Bond's going to be in my play later this year. He's going to fucking turn up. Opening night, James Bond, front row, just really taking it in yeah absolutely um so he agrees in principle no he doesn't he doesn't do that yeah he goes he says no i don't want to do this and then as he gets in his land rover he finds that the distributor cap has been taken possibly

by a mysterious sexy woman who offers him a ride. And I do like this line. She asks him if he's in trouble and he just goes, constantly. Yeah, it's very relatable. He's very smarmy in this one. He just like me. But they go back to his

house. Yes, and he's like, oh, I'm gonna have sex for a second time now. So yeah, would you like to have sex? Would you like to touch the thing that I pee out of? Baby, I can't wait to... Really? Really?

Ugh! That's why he doesn't know if he's gay or not. He's never had any kind of sex. That's why he doesn't know if he's gay or not is he just he's never had any kind of sex he's asexual but not aromantic and to that he is a king and it is actually i believe asexual day today so let's give it up for james bond asexual james bond so so... Why is she in this scene? Because she's like, don't get in my way.

Also, I just told you I'm a spy, which I probably shouldn't have done. Do you want to get in my way? She's just like showboating, really. She takes off her wig and she takes off her accent. So she goes from sounding Jamaican to sounding kind of South London. The woo that it deserves.

Very weak. That's the signal they're going to have us kill. And she kind of warns him off because she's the new 007 and then bond gets curiously boomer again he literally he he goes kind of like not very courteous are you broken my car it's commander bond address me by my rank real fucking rank yours disgustedly commander james bond rn retires he's mad because like felix was like would you like to do this james and he goes no and then she rocks up and like don't do that james and he's like i fucking wasn't gonna all right i'm gonna fucking do it

now fuck you you know i could have this movie would have been like 10 minutes long if she had just left him alone i've let him enjoy his musical theater in retirement he's vibing watching watching the book of mormon on a big flat screen but no i figured out why this scene exists right and the reason why this scene exists is because a staple of every bond movie every modern bond movie at least is bond goes to see m and m goes bond you're a piece of shit. I wish you'd been drowned at birth. Also, immediately please disobey me. Good luck. I love you.

Kiss, kiss. Now, M doesn't do that in this movie. So 007, the new one, does. She gets to go, don't get in my way. Don't come to Cuba or I'll shoot you in the kneecap. See you in Cuba. You'd don't come to cuba or i'll shoot you in the kneecap see you in cuba

you'd better not come to this exact coordinate this exact time that was almost verbatim by the way if you want to get a sense of the level this is on so so bond bond calls m to yell at him essentially he calls him up and he goes uh hi M do you have any appalling secrets that you're currently barely containing? And Em's just like, no No, I'm fine man, I'm fine How are you? What about Project Heracles?

And he's like, oh it's a secret bio, don't worry about it So Bond agrees Also we get a bit where M is like fucking sweating bullets and he says to Tanner, how's Blofeld? Tanner's like, he's in prison, he's in prison. He's talking to himself every day. Yes, I have the drop.

Tanner, Rory Kinnear, just looks at the live feed of Blofeld and he goes, He's like this every day. Mad as a bag of bees. Yep. Mad as what, dude? As a what? You mean as a box of farts, of mad mad as a sack of hammers mad as an aircraft carrier full of cheese it doesn't what mad as a witch's tit

and and so we go for another five minutes of this actually we we we and we will we see we see blowfeld in his cell where he's essentially just uh plotting but doing it in joker voice and this fools everybody he's just doing like heath ledger joker voice but he's going okay yeah now i now i want a birthday party because i'm a little birthday boy i'm a little birthday blowfeld you you would you wouldn't kill me i'm a little birthday blowfeld. You wouldn't kill me, I'm a little birthday Blofeld. And of course M and Tanner are completely unable

to divine the meaning of any of this whatsoever. Bond goes to Cuba, as does Nomi, the new 007. And Bond meets up with his CIA contacts. Fucking shit. seven um and bond meets up with his cia contacts fucking justified listen she's wasted in this movie it's a really nice dress i i think it's cool that she has a gun

it's a really nice has a gun. It's a really nice dress. A light misting. We're like the fucking brides in Van Helsing now. I was waiting for that to like short out one of the microphones. But yeah, no, so we see Ana de Armas is Paloma, a CIA agent. That's fucking right so god you're thirsty at the moment fuck off

look she she's going on the list of like exceptions to the rule she's not blonde she's not american she's american i think so okay well then we're halfway there so yeah she she's she's wearing this like uh very like high cut blue dress and essentially the vibe she's wearing about half a dress yes yeah um and the vibe off of her character is literally something we've seen the Bond franchise do with female spies before in the 60s, which is, oh, I'm not very good at this. I've only had three weeks training and my boobs are getting in the way. She's very nervous and inexperienced.

And as we will later see, the movie tries to, like, go boss reclaim this by having her kick ass. And what happens when you write a misogynist character and you try to write your way out of it with and she kicks ass is you are Joss Whedon. Oh, no. Oh, no. I've been taken in. This movie, yes.

It's Whedon-esque. I'll tell you that, first first of all it is a waste of andy i must however and i thought that coming out of the theater but now i've had enough time to really ruminate on this and i think honestly seeing how hard the movie sidelines and wastes like money penny and know me oh yeah it's a it's a fucking miracle she only got one scene it's actually a mercy and in fact her only getting one fucking scene and being this good is fucking kaufman material oh you think so this early you want to call it this okay well she just okay yep so so you may be familiar with uh with specter's habit of when it's when it's time time to get everybody together and do some crime.

Start the killing. What they like to do is they like to hold a secret meeting. They love it. Fuck, that worked so much better than I expected. So the previous secret meeting was in Italy where they had a bunch of fancy cars parked out front. This time it's in Cuba and they just have a bunch of guys in tuxedos who are just engaged in sexual

depravity, I guess is the vibe. Right. Bond calls it Spectre Bunga Bunga, which is a dated reference. Dated, yes. Sylvia Beliscone reference. we see that cyclops is there yes bond names him bond essentially just goes cyclops and he also says disability radar i met him once in italy i met him once in italy it was an eye-opening experience he's very very he was very funny

charming and very down-to-earth, and surprisingly funny. They're my favorite fucking characters in this movie right now, which is the three bald guys that have the eye on a pillow. They're so good. The middle guy, he looks like he's walked into this out of the wrong movie, like Jupiter fucking ascending or some shit. He walks in like an alien in Valyrian City

of a thousand fucking species or whatever. He looks like an Ostrato. He's got a cushion with a bionic eye on it. And he's walking around and Blofeld is like Blofeld on the ice being like, I'm a little birthday boy. I'm just a little birthday boy. Why couldn't Cyclops fucking

carry the eye around? Why does he have to wear it in his actual eye? I'm trying to understand the process here did they take his eye out for this yeah i reckon probably or had he already lost the eye and he's like oh you know what would really compliment my other shit my remaining eye if i got a bionic eye would that be cool watch blofeld make what if i can make blofeld watch me piss all the time? He's just like live streaming constantly.

Yeah, absolutely. He's like his own eye. There are multiple points where he's like holding the eye up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so good. So Blofeld's eye is going around. Wow, Blofeld, it's your boy. It's a great Pog day. No.

I'm going to do it. A great Pog day. I've got'm going to do it. A great Pog Day. I've got to tell you that Blofeld sends his regards. And he really does. He sends his regards to every single guy at the secret meeting. And then, for the second consecutive movie, he pulls my favorite Blofeld move, which is, we've got a special boy in the audience.

He does it again. He does it again. Guess who's here tonight. It's James Bond. But he's learned from his mistakes. Yeah, there's no windows. James isn't upstairs right next to a fucking window this time. He's in the middle of the floor and everyone spreads out to give him a little bit of space.

He's directly on him, no less. And Blofeld goes goes don't worry i'll i'll handle this i'm gonna kill him with this this fine mist this fine vapor it's it's harmless to us but it will it will definitely kill him not great i'll be honest not great we also get a scene of obrachev like swapping out the data or some shit. It's comic relief. He literally hides it under his shoe and he's like, oops, clumsy. So fucking low effort.

I don't care. I hate this guy. He releases the gas into the room and it kills all of the Spectre people and not James Bond. Yeah. All of the Spectre guys die horribly because this is like a vesicant a blister agent and so they that they start bleeding and collapsing from the rock yeah exactly the uh the elegant

string of pearls configuration um i hate that i hate that sentence sorry would you like me like to say no i wouldn't the The elegant string of pearls configuration. So Paloma and Bond capture-ish Obruchev. At this point, 007, brackets real, continuity 007, shows up and tries to grab him through the expedient of, like, coming in like Castel in the Bourne movies. She just rappels in through the skylight. She's like castel in the born movies she just repels in through the sky just like yep i'll take this guy there's this there's so many quips it's just so like relentless just they're like stuck behind a bar and they're like half shots and like it's

the smarmiest like that's gonna need that car like it's it's it's it's by some by some margin the smarmiest craig oh yeah definitely um but so because they know they're gonna get points taken off the smarm for being sincere so they're like well we've got smarm to burn well they're they're of course terrified as they should be of the podcast kill james bond absolutely and our patented scum racing system so uh paloma's three weeks of training bullshit drops immediately because it's time for her to kick ass and like uh kick a guy really high above her head in the face in heels and like i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking like our bud dwyer myself with this fucking thing i no fuck me

listen it's a deep cut google it when you get home google images it when you get home yeah and remember to turn safe search off listen just if you want to just go on to live leak on your phones right now um so play it on the back of it yeah long story short man Bond Bond gets Obrachov 007 escapes He like fucks her over She's like left to escape the Cuban police On her own Which is fine

She doesn't even shoot him in the kneecap Which he had threatened to do It was just kind of like a forced I know We're all upset So Bond flies Obrachov, stealing 007's plane, incidentally, to an oil rig off the coast of Cuba where Felix and... It's like a boat, right?

It's like a combination boat, oil rig. Yeah, like fishing boat that's obviously a spy thing. It's a fishing boat that they use to fish for oil. Dragging a big net. F's a fishing boat that they use to fish for oil. Dragging a big net. Filled with red barrels. Anyway, Bond is there. Felix and Logan are there and Bond's interrogating

Oberchef. He's like, yo, what the fuck happened in that scene? Oberchef thinks he works for Safin. So he's like, I just did what you wanted to do. He's like, hey, good to see you, man. Aren't we all friends? And then Logan's like, whoa, no, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck. Yeah, he's like, hey, good to see you, man. Aren't we all friends? Yeah. And then Logan's like, whoa, no, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up.

And I was like, we have big plan, you know? Now, Logan is at this point giving the most sort of, like, imminent betrayal face, the big clock over his head. There are four characters in this scene. We know why three of them are there. And then there's just also a guy in the corner. And you're like, oh, I wonder what he's going to do. And throughout the entire thing he's just going,

you know, you don't have to answer these questions if you don't. You don't have to say shit. I'm going to check the perimeter. It's a boat. So he... That's still water out there. But Bond and Leiter realise that Ash is working for

as Obertravers Safin and at this point ash checks the absolute shit out of felix lighters perimeter he he checks his perimeter right through the stomach and then he he locks bond and felix in like the hold of the oil tanker as the boat's going down they're stuck and uh obrichev and logan get on a plane and fuck off bond and felix are fucking trading one-liners they have they have too much banter it's yeah felix is dying and he's bleeding the only thing he is doing he's putting maximum effort into just saying one-liners like he's like i gotta get

these out before i die man i'm fucking done the quality goes down but just like he's got his little like mental list of bangers that he hasn't used yet they're unconnected to whatever he's doing he's like been shot and he's like i can't think of a different one says um oh he's like trying to help me he's like come on we've been through worse than this. And mine would say, yeah, remember that time that shark ate your arms and legs? Remember when your wife got killed? Yeah, remember that? He does not.

So Leiter has a very emotive death scene. And we go two for two on Craig Fingersuck, losing close friends by sort of letting them drown underwater. Yeah. It's like the second time in his life that the person he loves has died by drifting slowly away from him

underwater. Yeah. It's like an odd coincidence that that would happen to the same person twice. It is strange. It happens with Jason Bourne as well, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spies love to do this. Yeah. It's like the only pathos kind of death you can have is to is to like drown slowly

yeah actually i think that's probably a really good point right because like in a spy movie if you're one of the main characters and you get kind of shot oh shit that's actually a good idea i'm just like yo we should start a podcast yo fuck we're so smart actually no because like you get shot you can basically just stand back up again but like if you drown that's pretty much it absolutely the only other way to get like you with the properly killed in a spy movie is like again to get obrachev like a fucking gorse cannon yeah or or to touch your hand to the metal plate that's right um which are beneath each of your seats so anyway then we go back to london bond has a va vantage don't worry about it it's

not i want to talk about the va vantage i don't don't tell me not to worry about it i'm gonna worry about it because bond goes to the nostalgia storage locker where where he keeps... They remember it, so you don't have to... Fuck off. That's not a squirtable offense. It's just bad. Put it down. I'm moving us away from you. You'll no longer be trusted. I can't bend that far in this belt,

so it's fine. I basically can't. He goes to the storage locker where he keeps the V8 Vantage from the living daylights. And this is the triumph of the same guy. It has the same number plate and everything. And it's a different storage locker to the one that in Skyfall he went to get the DV5. He's just got cars all over the gas. It's in the next nostalgia locker down.

He's just got a whole row of these things yeah absolutely he's got like um the shitty little amc pacer from um a live and let die or whatever and the next one down after that that'd be better man that would be so much better yeah and it's like in yugo the va vantage does not come up again other than for you to go that's's James Bond's car. Yeah, it's not worth getting mad about because it's the same fucking scene from Skyfall. So I'm not going to like repeat myself. But they couldn't do it with,

you can't just have like a second Aston Martin DB5. A second Aston Martin DB5 has struck the James Bond. Anyway, he goes back to MI6. Everyone's just like, oh, it's James fucking Bond. And then he meets M and M's like, I had nothing to do with this. I was the mastermind behind all of this, actually. M is also drinking very heavily, which gives me the very useful,

God, you're thirsty at the moment. Yeah, this is a really like a landmark M scene, because usually M is just like, James, you fucking piece of shit. You're an idiot. But at this time, like James gets to do it back to him. Yeah, he's a turnaround. James is like, M, you fucking moron. Yeah.

You piece of shit. That's what M stands for. Moron. Fuck, that line sucks. He wants to see Blofeld to figure out why this has happened, and Emma's just like, no. At which point, Bond goes, oh, you remember that thing we did the last movie

where I put the super friends together, me, you, Moneypenny, and Q? Well, I'm still in that group chat, and I'm just going to block you real quick. And we're just going to all get together and try and arrange this. Now, Q at this point, they come to Q's house, and Q is getting ready to go on a date.

Don't do this to me. Don't make me do this. And in the best piece of positive representation that's ever, ever been granted the gay community, a whisper quiet, a whisper quiet mention of q being gay because q just goes oh he'll be here in a minute so i don't really have time to do the thing pathetic it's disney shit it's absolutely like disney may as well have been a post credit scene they do a fucking like post where like this is the first ever openly

gay fucking character in disney and it turns out that like the voice actor just sort of improvised yeah wrong gender or some shit q has like an easily editable out like rainbow flag sticker on his laptop or something that's a that's a mitchell's versus the machines reference um everything in the mitchell's versus the machines is very gay it's like star wars where they have the kiss and then it immediately cuts to like oh i love that fucking slug dude they cut a bunch of the slug scenes as well actually but q says this then we get the live reaction and then we come back and they're like can you decrypt uh can you do some some excuses they got the little i i think this movie is so fucking hard to follow like i've watched this movie now three times in preparation for this thank you for

that vote of sympathy by the way and um and and genuinely in the green room before this more than once i was like the fuck happens in this movie what happens in the movie no time to die it just slides right off your brain they do a oh okay yeah now I know what it is because they're like Blofeld will only talk to his psychiatrist

whoever that could be it's the same one hanging psychiatrist character it's the gender psychiatrist guy from Quantum of Solace I wonder who that could fucking be. It's our one hanging psychiatrist character who we haven't used yet. Yeah, it's the gender psychiatrist guy from Quantum of Solace. Can you imagine yourself as a little birthday boy when you jack up?

Do you imagine yourself as Blofeld when you jack up? It's the only one he'll talk to. There is a really nice touch in this scene which is that Hugh is getting ready for a date and one of the things he has on to there is a really nice touch in this scene which is that like q is getting ready for a date and one of the things he has on his table is a bottle of wine and as soon as bond walks in he's just like picking it up and like pouring it and just like drinking q's wine dipshit he like gives some to money penny and it's just like chugging this wine throughout the scene

they're almost a believable little friend group i kind of like it. So also Q has learned from, from Skyfall and he doesn't just plug the mysterious thumb drive into his own computer. He has a special, he's been swallowed like at least twice. Oh yeah. He's like, this goes in getting that back easily. This goes into the,

it has been up someone's asshole computer. Wait, so there's, there's the three of them. Yes. And they've got the one who actually knows what they're doing the other one who actually knows what they're doing

and then just like chaos goblin James Bond yeah honestly it's actually just an M and Q scene Bond's just drinking the whole time he's barely in it I'm saying that's us oh that's us fuck

the hell am I I mean let's's us oh that's us fuck the hell am I I mean let's not get into that so yeah they get the super friends together and Q is like huh there's some missing data from this hard drive that I can't recover anyway time to go to the next scene which is

listen so we see Madeline again for the first time in years Anyway, time to go to the next scene, which is, listen. So we see Madeline again for the first time in years. Welcome back, Maddie. She hasn't aged at all. And then, much like my psychiatrist, right, at the gender clinic, essentially someone stops her in the hallway where she works and goes, New patient. He's weird.

Oh, come on it's cool to be a psychiatrist because you just get stopped and they're like yeah we've got a little freaking freak for you check this guy out he's this dude's got a facial disfigurement. What else about him? Nothing else. He's got no other character traits, actually. He's weird. And I guess to her credit,

Madeline is like, you can't fucking say that shit. You're a psychiatrist. You can't just be like, yeah, he's weird. That's everybody. But to be fair, he is real weird. He's fucking weird.

It's Rami Malek sitting in her psychiatrist's office, just being a weird little guy. I feel so bad for Rami Malek, man. The scene goes on so long. Yeah. And essentially the vibe is, hey, remember when you met me as a child? Well, anyway, because of that, I need you to do a murder for me. Also, every line, every single one of his lines is like,

because we met when you were a child. She's like, no, you will have to do something for me. Point taken. Get on with it! This movie is 2 hours and 43 minutes long. Get a fucking move on! A full 20 minutes is just pauses. You ever heard the phrase,

not just a pretty face? The Bond villain equivalent is not just a fucked up face and rami malik in this movie is just a fucked up face yes he's a floating facial disfigurement like there's no character attached to it yeah god help me rami's trying oh he does his best with it but there's nothing there i mean listen he would have had more to work with with the Siberian bear armor. That's right. That would have been fucking sick. He goes, I brought you a memory box to help us remember the time when you

met me. And he's got the like, no mask in there. If that had been a giant shipping crate. I've got a memory box for you. I've got a memory box and a crowbar to open the memory box. Clanking into the appointment. Coming into my fucking, like, psychiatrist appointment.

Like, okay, okay, where do I put this? Hang on. I brought my memory armor. Do you remember this armor? Next GIC appointment, you've just got to be, like, clanking in like, you cannot hurt me while I'm wearing this. They have other ways he opens up the box he's got a no mask in and she's like what's the significance of the no mask

and he goes I don't know I thought it was sick I saw it in a he does know that's how he wore it yeah he got shot one time lol it's just so obvious that he's been contrived just to look like how he does and that's it he's weirdly like possessive of her this is the part that like rami malek gets to kind of like kind of act a bit on and he's like

oh and you save someone's life it's the same as as killing them it like binds you to them forever uh therefore you're like in my power now doctors must be really busy and and also i know you have a kid and i'm going to kill them unless you wear this ohunanobot perfume. He's just like, you need to go see Blofeld wearing this. And just gives her a perfume and goes, don't worry, it's harmless to you. Yeah, it's fine. I just wouldn't have implied that it could harm anyone, actually. I would have just been like, he likes it.

It's a nice smell. It's a surprise. It's a surprise perfume that will really like he's my friend he's my friend i would have just not worn it and then gone back to him and gone didn't work but she she agrees to do it and then we see uh emma's just hanging out by the thames when when bond talks to him again and they kind of have this like kind of father-son bonding thing. And M has this baffling line, right? He says, you know, saving the world and shit. I believe in defending the principles of this.

And then sort of gestures at nothing in particular. South Bank. The Thames. I believe in defending the principles of the South Bank. I have given my career... That's skate park. It's cool, man. I don't know. I have given my life to the principle, always

overpay for beer. I will die for the London Eye. The 16 pound pint? That is something that I would give up my life to protect i go one beer please and they go that'll be 20 quid and i go god save the fucking queen and i slam that 20 pound note on the fucking table and i say keep the change and they go that's not enough actually sir

i mean you can make a serious point here, which is that we, the left, have so successfully triumphed over British patriotism that now a movie nominally about it is afraid to say the fucking name of the country. It's cool. It's cool. I believe in the principles of, but he won't say, like, the United Kingdom or even, like, liberal democracy or whatever.

Yeah, he won't say the United Kingdom because in a few years the name will be fucking out of date i believe in fundamental british values what tolerance like the rule of law like yeah there is there is an interesting ideology moment where bond is like why did you develop an evil weapon that is like supposed to target people's DNA and I was like I thought it would be sick but also he says if it's a mistake then it's on my head and I'm like

you are the head of a British security agency the idea that you would face any kind of consequences for fucking up even a major fuck up like Cressida Dick was in charge of the operation that like killed jean charles de menezes and got promoted like the idea that you're gonna face any consequences is fucking laughable it's better than that she got promoted she got promoted within the police and then she took a director level job at mi6 there you go it's cool that is true by the way she way. She did a couple of years at MI6

then went back to the police. So... Fine! So we see... That's what Heracles is, by the way. It's good that those two institutions are missable, right? Those two things, you can just move between the two. That's what Heracles is, though. It's nanobots

and it's targeted to your DNA. It's your DNA. And he was like, I thought it would be more precise, but actually it turns out that everyone has DNA. I didn't know this. I just found out, actually. Just found out what DNA stands for. I mean, the thing is, right,

this has been done so much better. The looming threat here is we developed Project Heracles as an assassination weapon. It kills without collateral damage, but it turns out it can be used to target world leaders, whole ethnic groups, which is not a thing.

Also, if you get it on you, it poisons your family as well. Just write that down. If you get it on you, it also kills your family, James Bond. Why does it do this? It doesn't ever stop. You get it on you, it's in you forever. That's it.

You can't get it. No, no, it's not just for Christmas. That's right. You will be toxic to the people that you love most, you might say. James Bond. James, James, a theme is occurring To you right now You'll be too toxic To exist in the modern age

James We've finally decided What the theme of this movie is It is in the titles right Where they have a couple Of double helixes Made of all the PPKs As if to suggest

That violence perhaps Is in your genes Clever That's why they say We shouldn't be allowed In bathrooms Anyway perhaps is in your jeans hmm hmm clever that's why they say we shouldn't be allowed in bathrooms anyway then also we get the thank you for that applause of pity applause for laughter

we get the best line in the whole fucking film celebrated actor Ralph Fiennes I mean give me a second to find it here it's okay q how can to blow phil's bionic eye let's go we want it to be a little camp it's cool cool. Do you remember in Casino Royale where we were like, oh yeah, we don't really go in for gadgets anymore. Yeah, anyway.

We go in for exploding pens. Q, hack into Blofeld's bionic eye. The writing set is just so fucking straight. Like a matter of factly. If you could hack into the bionic eye for me, that would be great. I love seeing celebrated serious actors deliver stupid fucking lines

it's so good we got Rory we got Ben we got Ralph hack into Blofeld's bionic eye no no you gotta sell this Q

hack into Blofeld's bionic eye and Q Q is just like yeah I'll put it in my fucking bionic eye and Q is just like yeah I'll put it in my fucking bionic eye hacking tube that I have and he drops in there and it goes Blofeld's eye hacked don't fucking tell me about that shit I have this Blofeld's eyeball unlocked

what now now when it goes why did you record that line text to speech why did blowfeld name the file blowfeld's eyeball why is it not like c slash drive unlocked why did he call it blowfeld's eyeball you put your name on it i i have a theory right and that the only reason the only plausible reason i can think of why can it can exist is because q made that in order to like as like a

productivity thing in order to reward himself but it also means that technically and you're not going to like this but it's going to take at least three steps to rush the stage and i'll be off by then q is a vtuber i'm i'm sorry but it's true fuck oh you have to die now i'm sorry i i mean are any vtubers in the audience tonight so so he hacks into looking out i'm not seeing anyone with like cat ears and virtual characters so so he hacks someone in the front row being like no no so so he hacks into blowfields bionic eye and what he finds on there is primo cyclops meeting logan ash and he's like oh shit that's that's american mitchell and now now i know

kind of where he's gonna be maybe at some point when this plot threads like ties itself back together in a couple of scenes anyway let's let's like bench that for now let's go and see blofeld who is in belmarsh prison um it's it's the first where did belmarsh prison get a woo who here from Belmarsh Prison? let's go someone here recently escaped the guards are on a night out

and they're here tonight so we have this is the first time that Bond and Madeline have seen each other in five years. And Bond is fully like, he eats shit on this one. Because he's like, I'm not going to be, turns the corner and sees her, owned. Perfect acting moment. They haven't seen each other in years and she's transitioned in the meantime.

She looks really awkward. Very, very awkward. You look great. She looks like, oh, yeah. Very, very awkward. Anyway, you look great. So we also see her in the bathroom very nervously putting on the Odin nanobots, right? And what's hysterical to me is Nomi is also in the bathroom.

She comes out and she goes, oh, maybe we can go and see Blofeld now if you're done with your very important preparation. And I just, she doesn't notice that Madeline is madeline is terrified right spraying this shit all over herself and i just wonder is that kind of like insensitivity to women something they just shoot into you like the smart blood when you become 007 when you get 007 a woman could be just like i have a secret right now that you need to know about within the next five minutes or it's going to fuck up immediately. She's just like, taking your time, aren't you, bitch? What do you mean?

I put on perfume much, idiot. We haven't really mentioned Nomi much so far, and don't worry, that's because she's not a character. No, no. She's just sort of here as well. She's barely around. Same with, worse with Moneypenny. Worse with Moneypenny is just, yeah, background scenes,

it's tragic. Remember how we like, gave Moneypenny an interesting story and like something, something to do? Well now, we've sidelined her

because we've put her on desk duty and we can't figure out a way for that to advance the plot other than. We have, we have cast

the most black people since, in a fucking Bond film since Live and let die what do they do nothing they're there in the background it's like if we had just a black person on stage with us stood there doing fuck all throughout the entire thing and then we came off we were like we're fucking great aren't we chris do you want to come on? What do you mean? Please don't. I feel bad about that sentence already. But it's fucked up.

It's so rude. It is. It is fucked up. And the worst thing is they've only been calling Nomi 007 thus far. Yes. And that becomes a real fucking problem later on. Don't worry. We'll get rid of that.

Blofeld is Hannibal Lecter. Blofeld is Hannibal Lecter. That's right. And the way in which you know are the lambs still screaming james but essentially what happens is you go into a little ante room and blofeld is delivered to you it's just the funniest shit i've ever seen i'm trying to play off as like i've brought a memory blofeld he gets a suitcase in the airport he gets slowly delivered via ski lift and they're just like holy shit this is dramatic in in like a perfectly tight corridor so i just wonder what

like what if one of the rollers just stops and he's just like he's stuck halfway down just sitting there like completely like stone faced so james so so madeline madeline freaks out she leaves on the way out bond touches her wrist that's crucial um and then then bond does a kind of curious masculinity bond does a curious reversal because he says to blowfeld so blowfeld what's the deal with this movie yeah and and blow was like we're not so different are we james yeah but blowfield goes so james i'm not gonna tell you what what the deal is with this movie because you should talk to madeline she knows all the answers she's the one who has the like terrible secret not me the author of all your pain no no no now now she's the author of this bit of your pain. She wrote the sequel to your pain.

Yes. Yeah. She did the DLC. Yes. And so his line is like, And when her secret finds its way out, and it will, it will be the death of you.

Okay. Yeah, and the secret is, I met a guy once. Met a guy. Met a guy. And she won't say that she met the guy um so so boyfeld then goes okay well listen i'm gonna at least tell you something which is it was me all along the author of all your pain she's like no no you didn't motherfucker

she didn't betray you i just made it look like like she did. And I just put a shitload of explosives where I knew you were going to be. Not enough to kill you though. Crucially. But they did just some. And like four to six Italian guys. Yeah, it's implied that Blofeld knew he would survive and just kind of wanted to fuck with his

relationship. It wasn't an assassination attempt. He just knew that Bond would be like, I can't believe you've betrayed me like easier ways to do that like he could have made it look like she cheated on him he could have sent a honeypot agent so she really did like there's a lot of i feel like there'd be easier ways to do this i realize the franchise i'm talking about even as i'm saying the word it's also just like really haphazard that his plan is to phone her up and just be like great work work betraying James Bond and imagine that he's going to buy it. And he does because he's fucking an idiot.

But like also crucially Blofeld's in this little like glass box. Right. And then when he's about to push James's buttons, the little window just goes down. Just so just so he's like easily within grabbing range. To be fair, though though I really like Daniel Craig's acting in this scene he really sells like how hurt he is when Bloodfoss is like I got you to dump her and there was no need

for it and he's just like fuck you man and he like starts trying to throttle him at which point Tanner appears and he's like stop trying to throttle the prisoner you've broken the one rule that we never ever break in British prisons or rule that we never ever break in british prisons or mi6 we never ever do this bond get away from that man's hyoid bone i i do like the sort of the intensity which with which craig plays that because he's he's about to

like grab him he just goes die like he doesn't like hype it up at all he's not like he's like die and okay he doesn't give like a one-liner he's not like he's like die and okay he doesn't give like a one-liner he's just like it is time to start the killing yes yeah you're gone son he has embraced devon thought uh and yeah so as as tanner is going listen you can't just fucking throttle a guy like that we have to make sure all the cameras are off. We have to put him in a cell with like an Italian ex-cop. It's weirdly specific. Jimmy Wang, you in here from Hong Kong?

To beat him up? Rest in peace. This show dedicated to his memory. He's kicking the angels' asses now. He's up there now, killing the Australians in heaven. Australians in heaven. He's up there now, killing the Australians in heaven. The Australians in heaven. Let's go!

Please let me be on Bunta Vista. It's like Steve Irwin in a hand-to-hand combat battle with his life, with Jimmy Wang. So, as this is happening, Blofeld just dies. He dies just off-screen. He's off-screen! It's not even particularly horrible. His face gets a bit puffed up. As this is happening, Blofeld just dies. He dies just off screen.

It's not even particularly horrible. His face gets a bit puffed up. I've had worse fucking acne. He just goes... They had Christoph Waltz for one day. They turn around and they're like, oh fuck, we built this whole fucking stairlift system shit for this guy. How do you get him out of there?

He's just stuck in there. He's like a rat in the wall. They built him up for, like, the whole movie. It's just like, he's the guy who's the author of all your pain. The author of all your pain. They should have done it like he now escapes or something and he's the villain. We didn't even need Safin, but instead it's just like,

Blofeld died offscreen, James. Blofeld died on the way back to his home planet. Well, Blofeld's dead. Blofeld dies on the way back to his home planet. I did that line and I didn't get a laugh. Sorry, can I just get two laughs off of that

so you get none? Blofeld dies on the way back to his home planet. Look at this. Devon's gonna fucking die on the way back to his home planet. Look at this. Devon's going to fucking die on the way back to their home planet. Fucking second. Died on the way back to her home, Glasgow. So Bond at this point just remembers where

Madeline grew up and where they were going to go once she told him her secret of having met a weird guy, which is back to where she met the weird guy in Norway. And he follows... If they're making it work, it's fine. Don't worry. He follows her back to Norway

and I feel much like Jason Bourne, much like Matt Damon demanded one scene of acting. This is Craig getting to be like, okay, can I not fucking... Can I imbue James Bond with some shit right here for one scene of acting this is this is craig getting to be like okay can i not fucking can i imbue james bond with some shit right here for one scene maybe please um and so so he he goes to madeline he he meets her he tells her he still loves her uh and that he like knows that she didn't betray him and she goes hey check out this five-year-old kid that isn't yours

okay right right after i got on that train i touched another guy's penis this scene when he turns up and he's like i don't regret any of the time we spent together i really love you it's it's really beautiful he does it really well it's getting it's very sincere and this is also the point where I noticed something unfortunate, which is that the filmmakers are doing this thing where in dramatic scenes, the actor's face will be in very tight focus and the further away you get from the face, the

more blurred things. So things at the edge of the frame are very, very blurred. However, unfortunately on Madeline's shots, on the reverse shots, the two things that are in absolutely pin sharp focus are her face and her breasts. They're the only things that are in like absolute laser sharp focus.

And I'm like, did you... Yeah, Bond vision. Did you... He wouldn't see the face. He's talking about it's just perfect clarity here. And then she's speaking like the adults from Peanuts. It's a really, really, really beautiful scene. I really like it.

It's great. We see that he is baffled by the existence of Mathilde, this child, but he cares for her. He makes her little pancakes. And he's like... How did he make this child? Did he have such a tiny person out of you what was the situation there i mean did where was it before

you think it would be a bit cold for storks in norway oh that's so sweet so so she goes okay i gotta show you where next location is and next location is stored in the panic room that my dad kept one of them because he loved having secret panic rooms um bond even says that yeah he's like oh there's a fucking guy again rooms this guy's gone there is a there is a really funny bit which he says come on i'm gonna show you something else and he goes is it another child i don't know how many of them show up at once. It's very frightening.

Is it buy one, get one free? Yeah. So she explains who Lucifer Safin is. Lucifer. Lucifer. Lucifer Safin. Lucifer Satan. That's so fucking sick.

That's so fucking cool. There was one of you who just realized that. At least one of you just found out that his name is Lucifer Satan. Oh, wait a second. Shit. That's Lucifer Satan. I've seen it.

I'm sorry, man. It's alright. Don't apologize to them. Sorry, I'm keeping KFA. Fuck all of you. I forgot what I'm sorry, man. It's all right. Don't apologize to them. Yeah, sorry. I'm keeping KFA. Fuck all of you. I forgot what I'm supposed to be, Devin. Having a good time with my friends.

I forgot what I'm supposed to be, Devin. Lucifer Satan, his deal is that he was part of a family of poisoners who worked for Spectre. Sure. was part of a family of poisoners who worked for specter um only listen like family businesses not that common in this day and age you have to like preserve them where you can and this theirs was poisoning get taking your taking your kid to like work experience on the poison farm it's so fun like he only got big in poisoning because his dad was a poisoner you're reading like how to get started in poisoning by lucifer satan and you're like yeah so i learned a lot

from my dad and you're like oh of course it's the fucking chat white hole of toxins none of us are ever going to go and mock the week after this neither is hugh dennis none of us are ever going to go and mock the week after this night is Hugh Dennis but Mr. White, the pale king when he was still killing people for specter he turned it around on them he put dioxin, a real poison in their dessert

and the thing about dioxin in real life also, is that it gives this characteristic facial scarring, which is why Lucifer Satan has a facial deformity. It's not earned at all. Don't worry, there's a reason. It's okay, there's a reason he's got a facial deformity. Look it up on Wikipedia.

It happened to the president of Ukraine at one point. I want to say Yushchenko, but it might be Yannikovitch. Anyway, not important. A couple of films ago, maybe even in the last film, Mr. White was like, I'm good now because I don't like that Spectre's doing human trafficking. Yeah, he was doing the Lincoln Project. But I did once poison a child.

Several. I ended up looking this up, right? Because I was like, no, what are the rest of the family of Satan's called? Like, what the fuck? Was Lucifer just like their final child? They were like, fuck it, fuck it. And apparently

that is the case because his like fucking older brother is just called like Gregor. And you're like, what the fuck? Greg Satan? Greg Satan?

Yeah, I'm going to Greg Satan's barbecue tomorrow. I thought it was going to be like BLZ Barbers. Yeah, these are my kids, John, Jack, and fucking Lucifer.

She let me name the third one so fair there was a family like that in my school but i can't say their names anymore because the youngest child transition i don't know her name now he has sworn revenge upon specter which he's got he's killed everybody inspector and blowfeld and at this point he's quit right he's done he's he's too dangerous to be allowed to live because he made Madeline feel weird. And also, he has this Project Heracles nanobot virus thing. More the first one, honestly. Like the waiting of the movie. And he lives on a disputed island between Japan and Russia.

on a disputed island between Japan and Russia. And at this point, this reminds me a lot of the last disputed island between Japan and Russia in Skyfall, and then the previous disputed island between Japan and Russia in Man with the Golden Gun, and then the previous disputed island between Japan and Russia. So Bond's like, yeah, sure, I'll kill him. Love an island. Love a disputed islands between Japan and Russia so Bond's like yeah sure I'll kill him, love an island love a disputed island I have a shitload of visa stamps for

disputed islands he loves to go to a disputed island and collect all the disputed islands just for fun and then at this point Q hacks into Blofeld's bionic eye again i just i want to m like four scenes ago he just m entered sad boy mode and he just stays in that for the entire

fucking because like they've got all the information out of him so his character kind of doesn't have anything to do but he's still m so he's in every scene but he's just felt like... Just going like, this is M. Just suffering. So at this point, Bond has warned that several cars of flat-nosed geezers are heading towards Bond's current location in Norway. And at this point... We need more footage for the trailer. There's going to be an action scene now. I wrote down...

I'm a bit dry for a bit, Bond. Oh, so now you don't want to do Skyfall Home Alone shit You don't want to rig up a bunch of shotgun shells Or whatever Kill a guy with some falling moose And be like, welcome to Norway No? Okay, you're just getting in the car and leaving

Getting in the car and leaving Well, they've got a child this time There was a child in actual Home Alone Yeah, you got me on that front i think the kid had more agency in home alone so yeah they get in the land cruiser and then at this point we see a chase scene develop this is so funny and so much the all the the only reason for this scene to exist is because how much do you think Land Rover kicked in for the shot of three new defenders

cresting a hill? Hey dudes. The car chase to me is so funny because this kid is in the back and is just going apeshit and I'm just like, does this child know what's happening? Does he just think Bond is the shittest driver in in the fucking book they have no idea how to write in the front

it's like why are we going through this forest they have no idea how to write a child or what a child is or like how how a child should act so it's just kind of like this is shit yeah yeah this is this is movie written by someone who would refer to a child as it. Okay, I did just refer to a child as it. Yeah, exactly. It was written by you. It was written by the guy from Shoot-Em-Up. Yeah, it was written by that guy. This is an action scene.

It's good. There's guys on motorbikes. There's a helicopter. They hide in the woods. We remembered at least that Madeline knows how to use a gun from the previous movie. We don't have to be like okay here is a gun, shoot anyone who comes through that door but also here is how to use a gun. We will forget this

about her in the next scene so don't worry about it Logan is there too his car crashes and he ends up under it and it's precarious we get a kind of like, it's sort of like a bond for all seasons right because we got some Lazenby bonds to start with right but now we're fully into Dorton shit my man is creeping around in the woods getting

environmental kills off of things it's it's contextual shit he's it's quite nice he he knocks a guy off a motorcycle with a with a chain from a winch and then he like throws a bunch of maggots um yeah um my sink maggots sharky so yeah and fucking like logan is just under this car that's hanging over him and he's just like well all right james uh could you help me out and james goes fucking no i am i am, time to die. You should have said that. Bond kicks the Land Rover on top of him, killing him horribly. Yeah, just pushing up the unprovoked violence on the film. And then Lucifer Satan just easily kidnaps Madeline and Mathilde. They give Madeline a gun and they'll just like kill anyone who

comes through this door. And then she just runs out of bullets eventually and the second she runs out of bullets Lucifer's like I've been counting.

With the simple expedient of coming from the other side of the shot than all of the other guys do. They just insert a shot of Rami Malek like we don't even see them

interacting at all. It's just like you weren't even on set the same day. Yeah, this was a pickup. And so he puts them in a helicopter and books it for the private island. And Bond. Why? Why?

Why does he want Madeline and the child? Why? He's obsessed with Madeline, and he's going to raise the child as his own in the traditions of poisoning. Yeah, sure, whatever. He's already killed all his... He's got everything he wants. He's just achieved his life's mission

and now he's like, now I will become a wife guy. Yeah, but there's an hour left in the movie. He achieves his life mission and he's like, fuck, I guess I met a kid one time? All right, that could be my thing now i guess i just midlife crisis yeah so so bond gets to do the whole taken thing nomi shows up driving an aston martin valkyrie because aston martin wants your money wearing the dumbest pair of sunglasses i've ever seen an actor subjected to the movie wants you to think that's so and i remember the ski goggles that they made him wear inspector but she she she

offers him a ride to an raf transport plane which is a little like hey you know have you considered buying a land rover buying an aston martin Martin, joining the Royal Air Force. It's cool! These are all prestige British brands that are alike in dignity. Q is there, I guess. They briefed them on the island, and then the most unearned shit in the whole fucking movie. Turning to my drop keyboard here,

where the fuck did I put it? My notes just say, go Devon mode. Yeah, so they get on the call with M, and 007, Nomi, is like... Permission for Commander Bond to be re-designated as 007. Why? Huh? Hey, we're about to do this really complicated thing.

Can we like complicate the communications a bit more? For fun? Yeah. Even if that takes a degree of like paperwork. Yeah. Well, you have to have been living as 007 for two years. Amazing. Wasn't that good come on so he goes walks out on stage and goes transgender yo you heard of transing your damn gender that's crazy no but like uh I actually can't be bothered. It's fucked up.

This is so stupid. It's not earned at all. Because earlier on, they're like, alright, Bond, you're 00 again. And no one's like, what number? Actually, that's not true. Naomi twice goes, what number? Yeah, she kind of baits him about it. And then they continue to chat and then she's like, haha, no, what number is he? Fucking no.

I can tell you what number James Bond is. No, he's not or nine because the thing is he's writing pseudonymously a spectator column he says the white hall wokerati this isn't even our joke may have given me my number back but now that i have to work with a diverse cast of two black women and one gay man maybe gay man one maybe gay man i fear that the true number may be approaching 001984 this is hack just really gonna milk that this is hack i i know i know and they laughed me for it. Yeah, this is so clearly just like for the dads in the audience. And it's like, wow, James Bond has earned the respect of a woman of color.

How? Well, he... Just being around. He did... He was rude to her a couple of times. He said the name Logan Ash out loud. Trouble with that, Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Left her for couple of times. He said the name Logan Ash out loud. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Left her for the Cuban police. We also see Bond suit up into his tactical outfit. Do you know how bad a tactical outfit has to be for me to not like it? Now, you can buy the tactical outfit.

You can buy... You can buy all of this shit. You can buy the, like, Henley top, the fucking stupid jumper. You can buy the braces, the tactical top the fucking stupid jumper you can buy the braces the tactical suspenders because he's going full tactical dad you can buy the boots even you can spend over a thousand pounds on the james bond store on james bond's tactical outfit

if you want uh 199 pounds to get a terry cloth romper custom made for you by Volcano Designs on Etsy. Absolutely. So he suits up in his tactical dad outfit. I fucking hate it. It's awful. And they glide onto the island. Also Q gives him an EMP watch. It's stupid, yeah. Don't really go in for gadgets.

Yeah, exploded pandas. It's called QDAR. It stands for Q. It stands for QueerDAR and you use it to like identify queer people around you

don't fucking turn that on in here do not turn that shit on in here just a solid tone the screen will like light up like

Hiroshima like anyway also we get a scene where Safin is weird to establish he's a villain it does nothing happens oh but he does have a fantastic line in this right because he he shows he shows matild and madeline uh the poison garden which his father made which has a big uh like soviet

uh coat of arms in in concrete above it because decaying empire see so this is his theme um but then it completely undercuts this because the way he describes it is my father's garden it was his toxic treasure it was his toxic treasure she was his queen and she was crazier than him i'm actually i'm i'm so upset that safin and obracheff never had a scene across from each other because the power of those fucking voices, those acts, an impenetrable scene. It's, yeah, no, it's his toxic pressure.

It's the taste of your lips. I'm on a ride. You're toxic. So at this point, we have to give Madeline something to do and that thing is get drugged uh he's just he's he's hell yeah he's he's just like yeah this

woman doesn't interest me anymore uh go make her drink some like tea with mushrooms in it so that she respects me she throws it in Cyclops his eye and escapes yeah and then just like hangs out for a bit yeah Safin spends his whole time wearing, like, a fucking kimono. Yeah, it's...

All of his floors are, like, tatami, and it's like, what is the fucking significance of any of this motherfucker? Well, I would say that it's a rather odd mixture of style. Oh, you fucking wouldn't. So... He's only got, like, 80% of a no mask. It's because he refuses. He refuses. He's only got like 80% of a no mask. It's because he refuses. He refuses.

I hate you. We had to work it in somewhere. So 007 and 007 brackets real infiltrate Saffron's nanobot factory. And I want to talk about the nanobot guys so much because there's like

Q's like guiding them through and Q says another baffling line in the vein of Bag of Bees where he says you're at the edge of a toxic merry-go-round and I've written I've written I've written

sounds like my love life so essentially there's there's a room full of scientists there's a room full of like interior designers and shit who are like helping surfing with his tatami and stuff and then in the actual like farm there's 50 guys in like red hazmat suits whose deal is they stand around and they mop and rake a big puddle. The whole floor is just like about like knee depth of something. The movie doesn't even fucking know what it is.

It has like random lights within it and they're just raking and mopping. And I'll tell you this, it looks fucking sick. Don't know what any of it is, but it's cool. Why do you have to mop the nanobots? They're just sitting there. They can't let the nanobots settle. It's one of those things.

You've got to keep it moving. Cleaning them with a really tiny mop. Yeah, this is actually technically a toxic waste spill, but they're getting rid of it very slowly. At this point, they need to have an evil plan. So Bond learns

the villain's plan two hours and four minutes into the film, which is that having achieved everything he wants in life, now he's just like, and also I am going to release the nanobots and kill millions of people. Utopia did it better. The fucking game Hitman did it better.

It's not clear even what his plan is well the thing is right because they had to edit it so much and even delay the release of this film because his evil plan is like releasing a disease thing from a lab that's why they had to delay the release of this film

yeah and then another year after the Siberian bear scandal I mean, fuck getting those headlines. So we see we have M running the show and there's some diplomatic fallout to the British intelligence just circling a disputed island but also some

ships are on their way to buy the nano weapon because saffin's deal is to sell it yeah he wants he wants to sell it and also kill but also i'm selling it for money let me let me tell you numbers scene right because james bond goes into the fucking room and my god is Saff in there, on the ground. Two hours and seven minutes in, Bond's just met a villain. On a cushion, on a tatami, a little small table. And he says, sit down, sit down. We're similar, aren't we?

Bond, is it? Yeah. I quite like Maddie as well, I guess. I have your, I guess, daughter. Yeah, he's got the daughter. His threat regarding the daughter is so fucking good. Because the room is full of dudes with machine guns and he throws a pillow in the air

and they like fucking perforate it with bullets. And he goes like, I'm going to throw your daughter in the air. And I'm like, the threat that Rami Malek is going to shot put this child bodily into me. This child is like half as big as him. It's so fucking funny. So, but what he does do, what he does do is he achieves the impossible.

He makes James Bond Muslim. This scene's written for us. Brother James in full seduce because he has him kneel on the floor and humiliate himself. And I like this, right? It's cool.

It's a nice scene. Bond tries to reason with him nice scene tries to reason with him but he doesn't he tries to reason with him and then he like begs he implores him and like bond doing that bond like uh debasing himself is good because they've threatened him with that since red grant and never ever followed through on it every time he gets, just in time to be smug and be like, nah, I didn't have to give up my dignity. And this time he does. Albeit as a ruse.

Because he grabs his gun, and then at this point... This is also great. Do you want to describe what fucking happens? Safin just fucking exits this scene. He must press a secret button. This is how I wanted us to leave the show. Yeah, just straight down.

But he just descends immediately into the floor. He has a retractable tatami. He doesn't even get up. He's sitting cross-legged and he's just gone. It's perfect. But we also see Safin business lesson number two. If lesson number one is introduce yourself concisely, give like a fun fact as to why you're like,

that's related to the situation you're in. Like, hi, my name is Lutzer for Safin. I'm going to kill you now. Killed my family. Lesson number two. Well, see, it's perfect. Like concise introduction, fact about self, how that relates to the present situation that's it's

perfect uh so lesson number two always be on your grind be a money engineer never ever give up on a deal deals are his art form because these these guys are coming to buy project Heracles. They're going to buy his big puddle. And he's like, okay, I am 100% about this. I, this bond guy instantly forgotten. And don't, don't give a shit.

Cause he's like, I'm taking your daughter now. And then like, he goes down there and the daughter bites his hand. He goes, fuck off. Yeah. He just lets her go.

And she fucking walks away and then rejoins bond. And you're like, what was, why did you do any of this? He very rapidly changes his mind about fatherhood. Where's Maddie, the woman I was obsessed with and kidnapped? Nope, gone. Yeah, I assume she's still in the

tea room, I assume. Not gonna worry about it. We got a guy on the loose with a gun, whatever man, I got some fucking money to make, baby. That's a tomorrow saffron problem. We gotta start shoveling that goop into fucking buckets. They're coming right now. Put it in the jam jars.

I have to go do deals. So we find out that they have to open the big roof, the silo roof of the factory, to be able to fire missiles from HMS Dragon, join the Royal Navy, a fourth British prestige brand, directly into the goop otherwise it will just bounce off and it won't be destroyed so it's a bond causing a missile strike at this point obrachev activates racism yes this is good yes what he does is i just wouldn't have

said this nomi nomi grabs him and then he goes it's okay to kill me because I'm racist now he's like he just like he starts talking about like haplogroups or some shit he just goes full fucking measure head in like the last 10 seconds he's like I don't even need a lab I can wipe your entire race off the fucking face of the planet and he's doing it all in a comedy accent he's like I can destroy

your entire race said push of button it would be easy for me to become very racist all of a sudden. He's like, okay, you can go in the big pool then. We're going to find out what that shit does. We don't even know what the pool is. I looked at the fucking Wikipedia page for Obra Chef on the fan wiki, and the cause of death is listed as dissolved in vat of acid or nanobots.

It's both. And, like, they don't even know what is happening. Now, what's really funny is she pushes him into the nanobot poison or whatever, and he dissolves, and every single one of the hazmat guys with the mops just goes, oh, shit, this stuff's dangerous? They all fucking like it. They're holy fuck oh fuck gunfights don't give a shit about that but like a guy like i thought this was safe i've just i've been standing in this shit mopping it i'm rocking i'm deleting this fucking app i don't want to be a hedge for anymore. I'm rocking up to my job at

Safin's Poison Merry-Go-Round. I'm wearing full hazmat, top to bottom, standing in this lake. What, it's fucking dangerous? What the fuck, dude? So Bond puts Nomi and his family on a boat and he's like,

leave the movie now, which they do. I just want to highlight before before nomi leaves because who gives a shit what happens after that like nomi nomi has just been being called 007 for the entire fucking movie thus far so now that's not even her name anymore so like everything like q and m are just going like 007 and only bond is replying and every time i've just written down and and you've forgotten the character there's a character you've forgotten the one it's very it's very confusing so so at this point we get into some some action scenes we get a kind of like a a self suck here because bond shoots a guy and it's like the gun barrel thing from the beginning of the

movie and then we just get him like fighting his way up a staircase and just like it's like the gun barrel thing from the beginning of the movie. We just get him fighting his way up a staircase and it's like watching someone play fucking Warzone. It's all done in one uncut shot. It's kind of very impressive. I don't know why he decided to do this now. There's not really any sort of reason.

James Bond, he's about to get on a boat and leave and he's like, wait, there's one last disability I've not yet exploited. Wait a minute. There's some motherfucker with a bionic eye. And I've got to watch the releases in electromagnetic force.

And so he does. He blows up the guy's eye and he's like, ah, really blew his mind. And you can correct, correct credit to this movie for like making this a dad joke. So yeah, at least they do make it like a dad joke. And M is like,

yeah, well shut up. I got fire the missiles now, please kill this cunt immediately. Thank you. So true bestie. You need to kill this motherfucker right now. So true bestie. fire the missiles now please just kill this cunts immediately thank you um so true bestie you need to kill this motherfucker right now so true bestie fire the missiles you know what let's not jump the gun here let's not jump the gun here well he opens he opens the thing he like pushes a bunch of buttons and releases a big clutch and

the thing's open and he's about to leave when he is shot in the back by lucifer satan who's decided actually i don't care about the thing i cared about five minutes ago yeah yeah yeah i've changed my mind again bang easy i'm back again baby easy you just killed james bond he's dead rest in peace there he goes there's like five times where he like dies in this movie and then he just doesn't so so he does the He's dead. Rest in peace. There he goes. There's like five times where he dies in this movie and then he just doesn't. So he... I'm fine.

He gets shot. They fight in a big puddle. Not of nanobots. Just a regular puddle. This is a harmless puddle. This one's okay. Stop putting up signs. Loose for Satan cracks some nanobots on him and goes, Now you are toxic

james now you're toxic to the people you love you are you can never never touch them never be near them because anyway absolutely and so so bond is like well that it seems in this movie titled no time to die it is now time for me to die I gotta he kills Safin it is don't mind me let's he gives a little

he rings them up and he's just like yeah now I've got this shit on me he rings them up and they're just like looking at rocks on a beach it's really easy to entertain a child. You're like, oh, is that a rock? They're like, oh, cool. Still works with like adult non-binary people as well.

This is a rock? Oh, fuck. Oh, incredible. And I wrote harrowing. Tragic. And I wrote, cue the fucking music, baby. Oh, we're getting there. But so he calls them them very hard to do this

he calls them and he's like well i can't ever come back uh i still don't know who this kid is or how how how how baby was formed but i'm gonna stay on the island and i'm gonna stay on the island while the missiles hit to make sure that the thing stays open and make sure that that i never ever have to see the inside of a family court he found and so this is really the boomer dream isn't it and so she tells him oh hey by the way it's your kid's like, I don't know how that happens. Is that what? Oh, fuck, I've got to get off this island. And then the missiles from HMS Dragon come towards him.

He goes, oh, that's the line from On Her Majesty's Secret Service. I have all the time in the world. Bang. You just killed James Bond. Mr. Bond, thanks, Victor. Now it must be free. Free. did i detect a little sheriff jw pepper in there oh yeah i just i sprink detect a little Sheriff J.W. Pepper in there? Oh yeah, I sprinkled a little J.W. Pepper in there. At the time of his death, he thinks of those he loves the most. Sheriff J.W. Pepper, Louisiana State Police.

Fuck. Shit, I guess we're out of a job then. And we see Madeline with Mathilde, and she's like, like i'm gonna tell you a story about your dad james bond it's a little story i can't drive it's a little story it's a little story i like to call casino royale and she's like probably a lot of it's not suitable for you actually because you did commit a lot i'm to tell you a story about the time your dad got his dick and balls whipped inside out with a knotted rope. It's a miracle you exist really after that.

Actually, that's a good point. Well, that was a great movie. However, we do have a scientific system. We do have a science-based system for rating how these fucking movies are. And that is, of course, the Scum System. I like the little scum charm.

That was a nice one. I really appreciate that. Scum, scum, scum, scum. Yes. Scum, scum, scum, scum. Yes. This is just a little preview of what it's going to be like

for us to walk the streets for a few years. I was going to say, not the first time I've entered a room. Scum, scum, scum. Now, it stands, of course, for smarm, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny. So, no time to die. Oh, misogyny got a woo.

Interesting. Which one of you is that? Get a spotlight down here, please. Touch the metal plate under your chair, please. I don't like that. So where would you say this movie falls in terms of smarm? I think it's definitely the smarmiest Craig film, but it's also getting points off for sincerity.

Yeah, that's true. I would say the dad joke with the eyeball alone pushes it to like a five for me. The special thing about that is he went back for it. This is fucking good. Using my like second to last radio call. My last radio call is like you'll never get some fucking alimony out of me. And the like

the one before that is yo check out this shit I just did. I just blew up a guy's eye. How do we feel about a five or a six? I think without the sincerity, it would be a full seven. How sincere is he? I would say five. Yeah, I think it's absolutely sincere enough to bring it down.

Cultural insensitivity. Well, I mean, why does he wear a no mask? Why is he wearing a kimono? He's Russian, I guess. Yeah, those things are kind of props being japanese is coded as scary in this movie as is being russian which is why it's exactly equidistant between japan and russia like the scariest place on earth which is correct apparently so well done there well done yeah i i don't know i i would say it's low but like by the standards

of bond movies so So like a three. It does have to get a couple of points for sidelining every single person of colour. Four. Five. Killing one. Sidelining two. Three? How do we fill up three? I mean, Dev has just talked me up to seven here.

I don't think it's a seven. But I do think it's... So you can excuse racism then can you? Interesting I gotta go Skyfall was a four So how do we feel about a four? It's more insensible

Five? Five it is It's not looking good for Craig Misogyny No I'm sorry unprovoked violence first. Unprovoked violence, yes. We've got a little bit for Logan, definitely. He does kill an unarmed man with a Range Rover. He also, when

he fights Safin in the pool, Safin's unarmed and defenseless. He breaks his arm. Yeah, he breaks his arm and just executes him. Yep, yep. That's not good. He's a little bit peeved at that moment, I think. Defends what we define as provoked as there. Unpeaved.

Unpeaved, yeah. He's a bit miffed. He's been in with the thing and he's like... Would have been way harder to do that if he had been wearing the Siberian bear fighting. Yeah, fuck it would, hey? That would have been a good fight scene. Yeah.

You have to circle around to the back of him, which is unarmored. I always hate those. He's got a second health bar. Yeah, he's got a glowing bit at the back. You have to get around to the back of him which is unarmored I always hate those he's got a glowing bit at the back you have to get around how do we do like two three maybe four even because the fucking call of juicy ass bit

where he just kills like 50 guys for no real reason misogyny misogyny there's a lot of it in this a lot of it in this movie uh did like some of it's even unintentional uh i i i will never forgive them for for the joss whedon ass thing they did with paloma really um and sidelining know me you know, the real 007 in my heart, always and forever. There's a bit where she kicks a brooch off and then she says,

down boy that like lives in my dreams. You took the thing away from me, so I can't even spray myself. But like, yeah, no, it's shitty to him. And I think it might be the worst Craig one for this. Well, the last two have been a six, so that's really not looking good for the man. Let's go out on a high note. I think it might be

007. All right. That gives it a total score of 21. They cast the most women ever and then they were just like, what do we do with them? No. I can't think of anything to do with the women.

That's the highest, Craig. But I mean, as bonds go, it's pretty middling. That fits with what I feel about it. And now I have to do some maths. Because in addition to the rating for this particular film, we are now in a position to figure out who is the best Bond overall. Lays and Bees. Scientifically.

So I need to do some maths. It needs to be weighted, though, because Lays and Bees would just win easily from having one. No, I'm sorry, but the SCUMM system is scientific. You can't do, like,

sabermetrics on this. Or you can go to killjamesbond.com slash SCUMM. Yeah, you put them on the spreadsheet. Like M-system, I think. Which I would have just left it as scum,

but that's on me. And there's all the numbers there, if you want to just run these through some regression testing. Tabulate those, if you want to feed them into a big adding machine. You're quite welcome to do that. Yeah. We do have a couple of awards that we can hand out.

We do. We have the Goodnight Cross and, what's his name, Cronstein Rosette. The Cronstein Rosette. Yeah, no Kaufman. Sorry. No, no. I submit for the Cronstein Rosette the guys who stayed mopping a puddle

through a gunfight. I'm sorry, but the Cronstein Rosette for the person who goes above and beyond in the cause of killing James Bond has to, for the second time in a row, go to James Bond. Yes, yes, you're right. That's literally true. The previous time he got it for trying to strangle the pilot of a helicopter he was a passenger in. That's the best shit he's ever done.

And now for calling in an artillery strike on his own position, rather than pay child support. He finds out he has a child. It's time to start the killing of me by me. Yeah. Cronstein reset to James Bond. God damn. Good night, Cross.

Know me? 007 brackets real I mean I mean She doesn't really do anything No Which isn't her fault But she doesn't really do anything Can we

Can we like refuse To award one in protest Yeah we did that one time Hugh Dennis We did that to Skyfall Yeah alright Yeah alright Hugh Dennis

For his sterling service Most humorous reward To Hugh Dennis Hugh Dennis For getting domed off on Mug the Week Hugh Dennis getting domed off by Albrecht Schaaf yes well and of course this movie does undercut everything that we've

just said about James Bond because in the credits it hits you with a 25 years of James Bond, James Bond will return which means our quest is an unceasing one. It's the 25th movie. And so...

We are now in a position, though, if you want to hear the facts. I'd love to hear the facts. I love facts. Who is the best James Bond, scientifically? Scientifically? Trailing in dead last place with an average score of 23. It's Sean Connery. Yep.

Reasonable. L, Mr. Bond. Second to last. Surprisingly, the maggot's not helping. It's Timothy Dalton. No! With an average of 19. A boy.

A boy with a license to reel. Just, just. We'll release that shirt at some point. It's coming. Just ahead of Dalton with an average score of 18.5. It's Pierce Brosnan. We won't release that shirt. Just ahead of that.

Yes, we will. Yes, we will. With only 18 points, it's David Niven. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, David. It is now the time of the concert, which I reserve for Debussy. But now we go to the podium with our top three Bonds. In third place is a man who had the worst James Bond film

and the best James Bond film. A land of contrast. He's a land of contrast. He had Live and Let Die and he had View to a Kill, which is still, by the way, the best film. But the bronze medal goes to Roger Moore. Fuck yeah. I fucking love Roger Moore. You wouldn't put me on

a podium. I'm just a little birthday boy. It wasn't that racist. Son of my old birthday boy. It wasn't that racist. Son of my old French teacher. It wasn't that racist. Lovely. Our silver medal winner, definitely

not doing so good at the end there, but doing good overall with an average score of 16. It is Daniel Craig. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Which means, of course, that the best James Bond with an average scum score of 8 by virtue of the fact that he only

did one film and it was pretty good. It's George Lazenby. Australian Bond. Best Bond. Well well that sort of leads us into leads us into closing remarks um shit well the bond is dead the new bond struggles to be cast with the new bond yeah now it's the time of jason born again what the fuck are we gonna do with the podcast uh i actually do know an actor who has been offered the role of james bond and has turned it down i think i know this one yeah it was abigail

thorne you should ask me so i mean what's what's to be said before we we we put bond in davey jones locker where he belongs we give him his real naval funeral and then become some other podcast well i'm i'm tremendously grateful for for the opportunity to do this because it never feels like work recording and and being on stage with my friends and with all of you listening and it's it's it's it's it's it's so good to to see you all in person but also i i feel that this this movie it's achieved sort of my personal objective for it which is it's given me a sort of a language to to describe something which is sort of resident myself which is like if i'm being quite quite isolative and i'm being quite dramatic

about it and i'm being like no actually i am gonna sulk and i am gonna act like some sort of like you know piece of raw concrete or some like, you know, tide washed rock or whatever, that's very dark and cold and distant. Then I can be like, oh, I'm just acting like a James Bond. And I don't like this. And the thing that occurs to me is that, uh, transition like didn't, didn't kill that. They didn't like remove it entirely, but what it did do was it it transformed it into something different and something that i'm still sort of feeling out the contours of and it's the same thing that happens to james bond in this movie where he was still this you know this piece of like tidewashed debris or whatever but you know you contain sort of pockets that allow for like warmth and and and

love and affection and family and um of course that's that's unsustainable for james bond's why they have to kill him um and it's it's it's why i i wrote down in my notes you know the easier way to do all of this shit is to transition your damn gender so james bond james bond is dead uh and and we have killed him successfully but all of us who have killed the james bond in our heads we we we continue uh and we we get to return in a way that james bond is cursed to not do do you have any words yeah only to echo that really and and say that it's uh we we started out with a mission for this podcast to be kind of like a little bit of free therapy

because, you know, Alice and I especially... What do you all think about when you jerk off? There will be a survey... If any of you say us, we will kick you out. You ever look at me again, I'll break your spine. Get their ass. I don't know who said that, don't worry. You ever look at me again, I'll break your spine. Get their ass. I don't know who said that.

Don't worry. This has been like a kind of a little bit of like free therapy because Alice and I, especially we had childhoods where we were told to like look up to James Bond. It's like, this is what you're meant to be. We literally had a bloodstained union flag that was used as Shackleton's coffin drape in my school. I remember being told when I was like 16, they were like, you will play James Bond someday. That will be like the height of your life. And I was like, I don't want to do anything like that, actually.

So it's been really good to kind of like exorcise this demon and like let go of this ideal that we don't need to be because we're better off the way that we are. And I'm very grateful in particular to the two of you for being on me with many journeys, but this podcast especially as well. It's such a pleasure. Yeah, it's been wonderful.

I could not have done any of this without you two. Thank you so much. That's genuinely very affecting. you too thank you so much that's genuinely very affecting i i have no real intention to follow that um because that was too nice and i don't want to be vulnerable to any of you just in case start getting ideas absolutely so all i'll say is i started this podcast with two of my dearest friends in the world with the express purpose of getting some fucking money. And you know what? I've done pretty okay with that.

So, um, overarchingly, I'm going to keep doing this podcast until it stops getting me money. Absolutely. I really like being able to live and this helps me do it. Yes. Thank you.

You just DM'd us and we're like, you know, the ideal number of hosts for a podcast is three. Three is the magic number. The most lucrative message I've ever sent we were in a group chat together to sort of do like Operation Transgend and like they were just discussing the fucking James Bond podcast that the two of them were going to do

and I was like hey you know what and it made the podcast immeasurably better the shit doesn't work without you you can have me as well and I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere. Thank genuinely. Okay, I'll be a little vulnerable. Thank you genuinely to every single one of you.

This has been wonderful. Never speak to us. If you see me in the street, simply go hello, Devon, and I'll go. And then we will continue walking. We look forward to doing more episodes, hopefully more live shows.

My thinking for live shows is I only want to do live shows that we can dress up for. So it's Top Gun, Master and Commander. I'm going to get that Siberian bear fighting costume. The Revenant, things of this nature. That's a good one I'm gonna add that to the list that's good in the meantime

we as always have been Kill James Bond thank you so much for being here good night Thank you.