Upstream - Episode 32.5: The Mask of Zorro

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

We finally found it: a movie so horny that three trans people wasn't enough to properly discuss it. So we called in friend of the show and all three hosts of the show, Mattie Lubchansky! The film is Zorro, by the way. The 1998 antonio banderas one where a shirtless anthony hopkins whips out the flames of a candelabra and Devon has heart palpitations. Can you tell I'm caring less and less about the copy on these as time goes by? You can find Mattie at https://twitter.com/Lubchansky find their comics at https://thenib.com/ and support them on patreon at https://www.patreon.com/Lubchansky Find bonus episodes at our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

Welcome to Kill James Bond. You join us in the dying days of Novo, Spain. Times are hard here. The colonial overlords do not care for the people, and misery is abundant. But what's this? A mysterious mask stranger has entered the scene. Their raw sex appeal can be felt meters away like the heat from a fire. Their mustache glints in the night. That's right, it's me, Devon. With an almighty fanfare, the colonial governor steps onto the balcony overlooking the square. The crowd gearing spit, but are momentarily taken aback when she delivers a several minute impassioned speech about the state of trans-welf welfare in Nova, Spain. It's Abigail Thorne.

Why am I definitely? Well, it's in your fucking name in the recording because of the accent we'll get there. You made this choice. Joining her, of course. Joining her is a soldier of what I'm being led to believe may well be the free state of Texas, although in all honesty, their uniform is so confusing that I'm having some difficulty identifying them. It is, of course, Alice.

Wearing a uniform of a Republic of Texas cavalry captain, an early United States Marine, an Argentinian admiral. I'm like dripping with medals and sashes. I'll tell you this, you are certainly from South America somewhere. And who's this? The daughter of the governor is here wearing a chiffon dress that barely obscures their dashing figure and ample breasts. It's Matty Luchansky.

Wow, thank you. That's good. Yeah, no, yeah. It's his ample. That's what I've got here. That's what I'm reading it right here. Happy to be able to just let me know when you want to bail you out with a theme song at any time. I genuinely, I considered making that beat. No, not gonna do it. I genuinely like considered having

the final one be it Abbie here, but I was like I think it'll be rude to have Maddie be the I mean, what can I say after the perfect introduction? Yeah, hello and welcome. You know, this whole time, the whole movie I couldn't not find James Bond. I was looking so hard because that's the point of our podcast is that we find the James Bond in every movie and we kill it. So where's Wally? But he's hiding really hard. It is of course, kill James Bond.

I am Alaskar to Kelly. I'm joined, of course, as always by Devon, Abigail Thorne and Matty Lubchansky, all three of us and also a guest again. Because we saw the mask of Zorro. We saw a good movie for once. None of us were the same again after we saw this movie because of how good it was. We're all Zorro Pills, we're all going Zorro mode. If you're not familiar with the character of Zorro, it's like masked nobleman who fights for justice in sort of Mexican or Spanish Los Angeles, California in the 19th century.

He's been in the former. Like the ex Exposite Inspiration for Batman and Superman. Yeah, he's called Mexican Batman, but actually... Batman is Anglo-Zorro, yes, that's right. Yeah. What's a, what is a fox but a walking bet? Mmm. Oh! We begin with...

That much to go to the... Or a walk forward. That's why there's a flying fox. We begin with a much better version I was just thinking watching this movie. So, how about over here for another Zoro movie? I could really go for one. The whole Z thing, yeah, no, this is now difficult. Yeah, yeah.

Zoro is cancelled. But like, if you set that aside, I'm immediately on board with this. And then we double down on this because I mean, I think we all love, we haven't talked about Master of Command yet, immediately on board with this. And then we double down on this because I mean, I think we all love, we haven't talked about Master of Command yet, but we all love an opening crawl that's like, you know, the year is 18, 20, whatever.

18 something. Paulina's Master of Year of Oceans and our Battlefield Fails. Oh yeah. In this case, it's the Spanish Empire. That's a lot new new Spain, are retrieving from Mexico. The governor, Don Rafael de Montero, is being forced out by popular protest,

but he won't leave, even ahead of Santa Ana's forces who are gonna conquer it in turn into Mexico. And so we see Los Angeles, which is now filled with peasants who are protesting the oppressive regime. And I'd like to point out for the first time. Yeah, the regime is coming to an end. Every single peasant in this movie, Matthew, you pointed this out to me. Every single peasant has one outfit. It's the absolutely. Yeah, the costuming is peasants. You can tell for their peasants because they're

wearing the official uniform of peasant, which is singular, large shirt and a hat sometimes. And that's a lot of disliked peasant in my skill tree in the morning. They're giving me a big white shirt. We see Don Montero who you uh, you know, is evil, because he has a little goatee, complete with the wispy sort of answer to the mustache. And he's the only guy in Mexico with a British accent. And it's also the kind of, sorry, that is not true. Actually, there are several people in Mexico.

Yes, sure. I'm sure. But he has the evil British accent. He's like, yeah, so the lightfully He has the evil British accent. He's like, yeah, so lightfully delicious. From the first instant that I saw Don Raphael, I was having an extremely difficult time because he looks like an exact halfway point between Lin Manuel Miranda and Han Rickman. Yeah. Yeah.

He looks like when Manwell Miranda has been given the mega evolution. Hans Gruper doing the like lip bite thing. Yeah. And anyway, Monter has got this plan. His advice is like, you've got to run. The presence of hearing. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, take it easy.

What's going to happen is. The run from people with one shirt. Exactly. I'm going to divide up the land. And we're going to let the dons kind of stay rich and be taxpayers. They're all going to be really wealthy. It's going to be fine. We're going to have a peaceful transfer of power. Meanwhile outside, we see two kids, Alejandro and is it one here? Is it brother? And everyone's like, get out of here. This is a dangerous situation that I know. Like Zorro is going gonna turn out. We wanna see Zoro.

Yeah, this is a great bit of storytelling because you can, you get the sense that they're absolutely inured to the idea that Zoro's gonna turn up and like kick everyone's dick in. It's fantastic that like this is a spectator's sport for them. Also an incredible bit of visual storytelling where the first thing you see of young Alejandro is through the curtains to the walls.

Yeah, it's good. It's some comic book shit. I love it. Yeah, it's sick. It's really sick because he, he carves two triangles in, but he does it so slowly that you see him carve the shape of a Z and then do one more and you're like, oh my god, and he has a Zorro thing and you're like, it's Zorro! But it's not, not yet. So, so Montero is trying, is trying to trap Zorro. He's going to have three randomly picked

innocent men executed, knowing that Zorro will show up to try to prevent it and he can then ambush him and just shoot him because he's a sword sky, right? Well, what are you going to do? You just stay outside of this area and much like James Bond, you just shoot him dead. Um, yeah. Zoro's old-fashioned. He's a gentleman. He uses a rapier and it's like, ah, fool.

You've got to sort of a gunfight. And so Zoro does indeed show up. And then we see Zoro. Yeah. Yeah. indeed show up. And then we see. Can we talk about the man that we're going to be calling old Zorro throughout this move? Yeah, we fucking do baby. Yeah, we do. Have him as a beautiful chunky heel, as you just see. The first answer is wearing the Chanel boots, and he's like, yes, I am.

Old Zorro here played by Anthony Hopkins. Of course, yes. Yeah, it's Tony, baby. And he fucking Hopkins. Would you like to speak on this, brother? He's so fucking sexual. This is unbelievable. I'd like to just up top, up top. I think I'm kind of, I didn't quite get the full intensity of this. And I'm not sure why, but every single one of my compatriots here, at different points in the group chat preparing for this was like, yeah, this is horny. This is a horny. This is so horny. The entire film is so fucking horny. For various reasons and for various people.

That's right, in this case it's me. Wow, the noise of a cougar. Yeah, so that's the fucking episode. If you want more of that, you are gonna have to go to our Patreon, sorry, I'm so fucked as I do this. That's why it's going up at 1.14am. Yeah, I mean, the episode's good. So you should probably go to Kill James Bond, Patreon, it's patreon.com slash Kill James Bond, or one word, and toss a five pound at us per month.

That's nothing, that's the cost of like one cup of coffee if you get one of those gay coffees or like two cups of coffee if you get a normal one. That's, it's so fucking cheap. And I like to be able to afford my gay little cups of coffee. Ha ha ha ha ha, so fucking get on over there. All right, I love you. to be able to afford my gay little cups of coffee.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha