Upstream - Episode 4: Thunderball

Episode Date: March 30, 2021

Friend of the show and host of Trashfuture, Masters of Our Domain, and Тумач, Milo Edwards joins the gang for a deep dive into Thunderball. Can Bond save the day as a sicilian man steals two nuclear bombs? Is a shark pool an effective way to dispose of henchmen? Why would a health spa have a machine that wiggles you to death? All these answers and more, maybe. We are at https://twitter.com/Killjamesbond Milo is at https://twitter.com/Milo_Edwards  

Hello and welcome to Kill James Bond, a podcast where we use the word hauntology a lot. We will be using the word hauntology many times throughout this episode, but we will be refusing to explain it, because this isn't fucking Philosophy Tube. I don't have to explain shit to you. If you want to know what hauntology means, go and read a fucking book! At Raleigh, if you want to know what hauntology means. Raleigh would love to explain this. If you want to know what hauntology means. If you want to know what hauntology means,

simply ask Alex Keeley. Sir, I respectfully suggest that you change my assignment to NASA. Is there any other reason besides your enthusiasm for water sports? Hello and welcome back to another episode of Kill James Bond, the hauntological podcast about hauntology. I am Hauntological Alice, joining me Hauntological Devin, Hauntological Abby, and, Hauntological Devin Hauntological Abby and feeling weird introducing you formally given that we like to do

podcasts together all the time it's Milo Edwards from Trashyuture Good morning everyone It's not the only reason it's weird to introduce Milo is it? Yeah Wait what is there another reason? Yes you are our first and to date only cis guest.

Oh, what the fuck? Shit. Welcome to the show, cis boy. I didn't know we were allowing that. I'm the token cis guy. Yeah, you're forced diversity. We've finally been forced to allow a cis person on. Both the woke left have come down on you

and forced you to have a cis guest. Nice gender, loser. Did your mum pick it out for you? What Milo doesn't know is that we have laced his coffee with estradiol. So by the end of the podcast, balance will have been restored. Yeah, I was going to say, I'm sure I'll be trans by the end. Don't worry. Yeah, it's a forced feminization operation as much as it is a podcast.

Yeah, it wouldn't be the first time that Alice, Alice, Dev and Abby have speculated about turning me trans, so. That's right, yeah. And we're here to talk about the movie Thunderball. Yeah, named after the National Lottery game. Yeah.

Exactly. And, I mean, I'll just dive straight into it. We start off with another pre-credits scene where we fucking did it, boys. We killed James Bond. He's fucking dead. Because we start off with another pre-credit scene where we fucking did it boys we killed james bond he's fucking dead because we start by seeing a coffin with jb on it and you're meant to be like oh shit that's jim bowen oh no they killed jimmy ball i'm going to miss james blunt i mean i just turned off the film immediately, I opened it up and was like,

oh, beautiful, done, and then just like, went on with my day, it was great. Walked straight out of the cinema. It's a guy called Jacques Bouvard, who, incredible name by the way, who is a French agent of Spectre, and Bond is there watching with a French agent, and he's like, he killed two of my colleagues. I love, incidentally, that she's very helpfully like, huh, the initials on that coffin are also the initials of your name. What are the odds of that? You didn't notice this? Great French tradition of having your initials on your coffin, just so that everyone knows.

Yeah, and so they follow the widow back to a chateau from the church after this funeral. And then Bond introduces himself to this widow thusly, right? Madam,

I have come to offer my sincere condolences. Yeah, just fully just honks her right in the face. Right, yeah. And she's wearing like the Thor widow outfit, like the veil and the like black hat and everything, but he's fucking clocked her, right? Because as they were getting into the limo to go from the church, Bond noticed that she opened her own car door. And in the 1960s, there is only one possible explanation for a woman opening her own car door. She's a fucking man. She's a man in disguise.

She is Colonel Boover, which is fucking, it's great. Like he rips the wig off, and it's a stuntman wearing lipstick. I'm not dead, I have just transitioned. Men disguising themselves as women to sneak into specter spaces and commit crimes. Where will it end? This is what self-ID will usher in,

like no movement before. Now, I mean, what's really funny is, when Bond says earlier, this Jacques Bootha, he killed a couple of my colleagues. I want to know, did he do it the same way? Like, does he have one trick and that's cross-dressing to get close enough to try and murder somebody? He's like, no, I'm doing this for the mission. I promise this is not.

This is before being trans was invented. So the only reason to dress as a woman was to try to murder somebody. I'm not taking any pleasure in this, it is actually a prank. It is a kind of sophisticated French clowning that you would not understand. It's a tiny Anglo brain, huh? No, I mean, if there's one thing that British clowning definitely understands, it's dressing as a woman. We love that shit. We do, that is very true. I mean if there's one thing that British clowning definitely understands it's dressing as a woman we love that shit but the hauntology sensor is going off because this scene where he just

takes off her wig and punches it there's something to be said about the psyche at the time that was like this is the most terrifying thing I can imagine is a dude dressed as a woman devious underhanded French shakshy but also dangerous he does the whole fight

wearing heels like he's running around it's impressive he does everything Bond does backwards and in heels I will confess that this part of the film like the first 40 minutes or so of Thunderball I didn't pay as much

attention to because I'd seen the film before and I thought I remembered more of it than I did And I was trying to like rig up my new hi-fi system while I was doing it I was like I was watching the bit with the coffin and then I looked down and then I look back up again and bonds Fighting a guy in a skirt tights and heels and I'm just like how did we get here? I'm not sure That you guys will have something to say about I'm sure that you guys will have something to say about it. This is the exact mindset to go into watching Thunderball with,

is having like half watched it once a decade ago. Because I cannot stress enough, right, this is a two hour movie. It doesn't need to be. And it fucking, oh my God. There's so many interstitial scenes that do nothing. Yeah, the best way to watch this movie Is to have something to do And as soon as someone's underwater Just leave for like 15-20 minutes You'll come back in

Anyway Bond kills her with a fire poker Yeah she hits him with the poker Really hard first Which rules And then Bond escapes on a jetpack Which was a real jetpack It flew for like a minute twenty seconds

and um, yeah, no it's great, he gets into the the Aston Martin and like, some French guys are chasing them and instead of, cause like he still has all of the gadgets in the car from the last movie, but instead of using any of the fun ones, he just

sprays water at them, and they're shooting at him, but as soon as they get wet, they stop, which is fucking awesome. Just running on, like, Super Soaker rules. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. I mean, frankly, if I was lightly squirted with water, I would also just give up and go home.

Yeah. water i would also just give up and go home um yeah but uh that's that's your opening sequence is bond is instantly able to clock somebody by whether or not they have car doors opened for them just posting on anonymous forum like yo do i open car doors like an agp yeah opening a brick opening sequence Bond in the women's bathroom. Do be careful with these tucking panties, 007. You'll be accompanied by 009, Julie Bindle. Oh, no. Oh, no.

We've sent you to meet Graham Linnan's wife My wife The thing is if they make James Bond again now because my thesis is that Bond tracks the cultural zeitgeist it's only a matter of time before we get a trans woman as a villainess in Bond and some kind of

dramatic unmasking I can pull up I recently re-watched the series Wire in the Blood, which is just a great classic crime transphobia. Episode one. Season one. It's a trans woman. And they go to such pains to be like,

no, no, this is not someone cross-dressing to do crimes. This is a trans woman. Yeah, directly on microphone and like every like val mcdermott novel and like yeah no if you're into true crime it's fully like the greatest twist you can imagine is a transgender woman i mean what's his face robert gaith gaith galbraith roberts jk fucking Rowling. Same trope. Same old trope. Hauntology, baby. That's what we like.

What are we here to talk about again? Oh, yeah. Tom Jones. Thunderball. Yeah. We got a Tom Jones song, which is great. He nearly passed out recording it because he held the last note for too long. I completely forgot it was Tom Jones.

Haunt composers love to try to kill the most famous singers of the 1960s. You know what's really funny? Johnny Cash sent in a tape for this, and they did not use it. But I'm imagining a Johnny Cash Thunderball. Thunderball. Thunderball. That's what's so funny, isn't it? Thunderballs today.

Tom Jones asked the song's writer what strikes like Thunderball means and the composer was like I don't really know and they weren't even they wrote this at the last minute they were originally going to use another song they were going to use Kiss Kiss Bang Bang but they wrote this because they were like no it has to have the title of the movie in there

otherwise people forget what the movie is even though the movie doesn't have the title of the movie in it. Thunderball is an old-fashioned word for a mushroom cloud. Really? Ah, brains genius. Okay, fine.

So that's why it's called that. We get our title sequence with some naked women, and then we cut to a scene of parking. We go to central Paris, where Emilio Largo, this big guy with an eyepatch, played by Adolfo Celli, looks fucking awesome. Very big guy.

Very big guy. He gets, to establish his bona fides as like a big, an evil guy, right? He gets stopped while he's parking by the world's worst French-accented man. He's like, he pulls up, he's like, Hey, no parking here! Romanian guy who's emigrated to France. Worse than my French accent. Hey, no parking here!

I don't think that's better. Hey, no parking here, my friend! Hey, no parking here! my friend. Eh, no parking here. It's like almost Chinese. Eh, no parking here. Like, what the fuck is that? And he makes his way into the International Brotherhood for the Assistance of Stateless Persons, which is like the fucking woke charities, once again again will be seeming to help people on the

surface but will conceal a secret meeting of specter shemima shemima begum get at it again the hauntology alarm is is going off once again because the idea is that oh it looks benign on the surface but actually specter are hiding but they could have used any charity. They could have used anything, but they specifically use a charity that is supposed to help refugees. And we, in 2021, we are haunted by the Ed Stone, and we are haunted by this controls and immigration

mug, and we are haunted by this film as well. We're haunted by the movie Thunderball. If only there was a word for that, but there isn't, so shut up. Now, for the audience at home there, when Abby said we're haunted by this controls on immigration mug, she held up her controls on immigration mug that she has. Yeah, yeah. And the Edstone, which I bought.

Everyone wondered what happened to it. I got it. So we find out that, like, we have the classic Spectre meeting scene, right? It's a bunch of guys in gray flannel suits they're arranged in chairs and there's a guy low-filled in the big chair up front with his face covered petting the cat and of course the implication is that like none of them know what he looks like other than his bottom half like they're just being bossed around by a dick and balls i mean i'll I'll be all... Recognize that dick and balls anywhere.

He's usually nude during these meetings. That's Colonel Bouvard's dick and balls. Imagine how easy it would be to mislead these people. Just show up and sit in the chair and wear a black trousers. You don't even have to be wearing anything on your top half. They don't know. You can be there shirtless. He's got to have the cat.

Yeah. I mean, he does have a pretty distinctive voice. I guess so. I am holding the talking cat. Yeah. I mean, he does, he does have a pretty distinctive voice. I guess so. I am holding the talking cat number two. You can only talk when you're holding the cat.

He like, demands reports from like all the far-flung corners of the world. And so like number, number three is like, oh yes, we blackmailed this guy in,

in the USSR. Number four is like, we smuggled red Chinese narcotics into the US. Number four is like, we smuggled red Chinese narcotics into the US. Another guy's like, Number three passes you the booth. Do you accept?

We took a consultation fee for the Great Train Robbery. Which happened the year before this movie came out. They just wrote that into the... The British government has given us a contract to deliver PPE. We're not really sure what to do with that one the classic blowfield bit he does this every time it's his favorite move he cannot like this is blowfield's one management style right is we get to a report and he's dissatisfied and this is what happens are you quite sure all monies have been accounted for by yourself and Mama Nye?

To the penny, number one. On the contrary. I have satisfied myself that one of you is clearly guilty of embezzlement. Spectres are dedicated fraternity whose strength lies in the absolute integrity of its members. The culprit is known to me. I have decided on the appropriate action. He always does this. He always does the fake out, right? Like the guy who it is, the guy who he then electrocutes in the chair is just sitting quite smugly. While the other guy is being really fucking nervous. And he did the same shit with Cronstein. It's his one move.

I'll get mad about Cronstein later on, don't worry. I think in the novel, the idea is that he chews out the wrong guy so that the real culprit will relax and therefore more of his body is touching the electrical plates in the chair. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I know, I know. You should have just installed bigger plates. Yeah.

You get very alarmed at the Spectre meeting when the gong noise starts up and also when you notice that you're sitting in the big metal chair and everyone else's chair looks normal now the guy the guy that we saw with the eyepatch lago he's number two right and we cut to him while this guy's getting electrocuted is when the music starts and you all have to switch like lago does not give a shit, right? He's just waiting. He's just waiting for this guy to get electrocuted.

He's like, whatever. And it makes you wonder... He's not sitting down. Yeah, but it makes you wonder how many times Blofeld has pulled this shit around him that he got to number two. Like, he started out at number 69 or something, and he's just been here for, 50 fucking murders where blowfold's like

ah you think it's it's this guy but it's actually this guy it's like working at barclays capital in 2009 it's like everyone you know gets fired and sooner or later you're the md and you don't know how i mean later on it's implied that this this plot was going on for at least two years before the film, so this guy must have... I don't know how often Spectre meets, maybe it's monthly. But that's a lot of murders this guy's just watched. They've got to kill a guy a month. Yeah, and do you think to suck up to Blofeld, you have to act surprised every time?

You're like, whoa, you got me! And just be like, yo, I thought you were going to kill that guy, but instead it's the other guy. That's crazy, though. What if they were doing this on zoom number four you're muted you're muted unmute yourself

and everyone's just like aww show us the cat aww number six while you're not talking please put your hand on the electrical plate yes it has to be plugged in yeah covid's really fucking done a number on specter in these unprecedented times number two gives his little speech and he reveals the plot and the plot is

they're gonna steal two nuclear bombs from the british from the raf the british would never lose nuclear bombs yeah they're gonna steal some from the raft don't you know and they're gonna use them to fucking blackmail britain they're gonna demand 100 million pounds which is not that much money considering how much this plan must have taken but whatever nuclear. Considering it's a nuclear bomb. Number six is like, excuse me, I have a better plan. I've been insinuating myself as Matt Hancock's pub landlord. Now, if you'll hear me ask.

Several billion, easily. Have you heard of Turkish PPE? That's right, no one has has because it doesn't fucking exist and so what they do is they they introduce this health spa in the south of england that's next to a nato airbase oh i loved this scene this is so good long my god that we spend so much longer than we need to at this fucking health spa right because specter's guy who's who's orchestrating that bit of the plan he's like hiding out in the health spa and who who just happens to also be staying at the same recuperating from a transgender inflicted fire poker injury

it's noted sex criminal and british agent james lothario bond and he starts out by being a sex criminal. Immediately. Fully. He's like, the nurse who is looking after his back injury tells him to put his arms up. He puts his arms down over her and he starts fucking kissing her. Yeah, he sexually assaults her. Yeah, sexually assaults. 40 minutes in, baby.

Yeah. Record pace. Keeps going. Real bad. Real bad. He's licensed to do that and he's been dicking around investigating one of the guys at the health spa because he thinks he's like a bad guy yeah account lippy who is specter's agent bond's investigating him because he just happens to be in the health spa the way bond figures out he's a wrong and right is right, is that he's got a Macau Tong sign tattooed on his fucking hand. Like a Chinese character.

And Bond is like, that's far too exotic for the south of England. The Chinese are a shifty people. Oh, I'm into the last two fucking films. Now, I mean, he does also manage to threaten to spank Moneypenny at this point. And I have a drop of this because the line that she has was baffling to me. Yeah, I wrote this down too. Okay. Moneypenny, next time I see you, I'll put you across my knee.

And yogurt and lemon juice? I can hardly wait. Now, I had to look this up and I found out what he fucking means. Yeah, beans, 42. The joke that she's making is that, like, because he's eating and drinking health food shit, like yogurt, I guess, and lemon juice, he's going to be too weak to spank her? Oh, that's the stupidest possible reading. You're being force-femmed, James.

I'm not sure you'll even be able to sexually harass me by the time you get back here. Big naturals now, 007. James, if a transgender woman touched you, you'll become one. Pay attention, 007. Now, this is an ordinary pair of cat ears. But observe,'d light up. Yeah. And so

he finds a guy with like facial bandages, like a concealed face under bandages. Immediately suspicious. And then this nurse who he has like already sexually assaulted fucking ties him down to a vibrating bench.

Okay, now this was fucking YouTube zone level material. Like James Bond gets strapped into the jiggler. They're like, this machine is going to jiggle you until you feel better. It's going to jiggle your back. And what she says when she like fully ties him into this thing is, is, I mean, this man is a dangerous sex pest he's a horrendous bastard

he is I mean it is weird that they just keep saying that out loud because the intention of the film is to play it off as like oh it's all in good fun really the women are enjoying it but then the women are going like no this man is is terrifying i have to tie this man to my sort of

weird bench thing to feel normal saying shit in like the voice where you go ah james you old rascal but what they're saying is james you're a rapist i'm terrified of you but they're like ah you're big you're big yeah then count lippy he sneaks in and he nearly accomplishes the mission of the podcast. He nearly does it. Yeah, he puts the bad and naughty James Bond in the Bond wiggler and... Alternate vibrators. Alternate vibrators inserted.

Shut the fuck up. He turns the wiggler way up. My man gets properly wiggled. It's a bizarrely homoerotic scene. Why would this kill him? Why is this... That was the bit I didn't understand why is getting wiggled bad for you the way the camera is like aggressively

zooming in and out on the lever that's like set to full like hey why would this machine have that setting if that's the setting that kills you why would that just be unavailable it's very therapeutic we got this machine that wiggles you to death. And then it's just like Sean Connery just laying on there,

like, hamming up, going like, Ah! I'm being wiggled! He screams for help and passes out. I mean, Bon nearly dies. Sean Connery there, played by Michael York, which I guess is just Roger Moore. You don't have to be wiggled! You can live! It sounds less like Sean Connery than it played by michael york which i guess is just roger moore you don't have to be wiggled you can live it sounds less like sean connery than it sounds like he gets revenge though because he finds count lippy in one of those like sitting sauna baths and he just fully

just like locks him in there with a broom and tries to broil him so the nurse comes back and lets him out like oh thank god i found you in time. So Bond is rendered unconscious by the wiggling machine. Yeah. And when he regains consciousness, his prime programming is reasserted and he immediately seeks pussy. Yeah.

And she says, don't tell anyone about this. I do. I have the drop. The training kicks in. You wouldn't tell Dr. Wayne. Please. I'd lose my job.

Well, I... I suppose my silence could have a price. Don't mean... Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I mean... Which is being played by the Churchill nodding dog.

Oh, yeah. So he blackmails her into sex and we get... Yeah. I mean, that's rape. He just goes back to his factory settings and rapes the first woman he sees um now the problem is that we haven't quite i mean the pussy the pussy clock record to beat is 233 okay i think we count this as like a 0.00 though when should we would you first appear on the screen dev what's the pussy clock count okay

two two points first of all i think pussy clocks may be a reductive way to call this because we're trying to make a point about how it's bad um but i did start a stopwatch when this woman appeared on screen this is patricia um so three minutes and four seconds after she appeared on screen she was assaulted but yeah it's five minutes and four seconds five minutes and 30 seconds before before she is just straight up raped by Bond, like blackmailed, which is not as fast as the previous record,

about twice as long. He's slowing down. The woke left have made James Bond less rapey. So the time to beat from Goldfinger is still 2.33. He's having to do

more due diligence. Yeah. Two minutes, 33 fucking seconds. So, I mean, we see a bit more of the plan, because we see this woman, Fiona, in bed with a guy who is like, French-Italian, like, his whole vibe is just, this is a European man. What is a French man?

Yeah. And his name is like, Commandant Durval, and he's an Air Force guy. And she's like, oh, do you have to to go and he opens the door to see himself it's a perfect double of himself who then really well as well yeah you can't tell that there's a screen to death takes his his like um his dog tag and his watch and his and his uniform and it's like right i'm to go infiltrate the NATO plane with the nuclear bombs that this guy was going to fly on. But before I do that, I know that this organization, Spectre, that I work for, kills people for no reason all the time.

I think what I'm going to try and do is hold out for more money. I'm going to do a contract negotiation right now. It's definitely a great move for him to do that. Yeah, she gives him the envelope full of cash. It's like $100,000 and he's like, that's not enough. I've been doing this for two years trying to look like that guy.

I've had the plastic surgery operations and shit. I've been going to the French-Italian gym to get more French and Italian. Why they didn't give him one of the perfect rubber masks from Russia with Love, I'll never know. I guess they'd lost all the rubber masks, never mind. I've been doing the perfect French-Italian accent.

I'm ambiguously European. I want $250,000. And this woman, Fiona, she's like, yeah, sure, I'll just tell him we made a new arrangement. We gotta kill this guy! And the guy's just like, yeah, okay, I'll just tell him we made a new arrangement We gotta kill this guy And the guy's just like, yeah, okay, fine It's still like, not that much Would you mind just touching this metal plate?

Like, carry around this metal plate with you Yeah And they're like, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely, mate, definitely Off you go, on your bike, on And, you know, the next sequence is like The plan goes off without a hitch, right? It's pretty cool. We get to see a lot of, like, RAF chaps who all talk like this.

You're a commandant, you really like to come up to the cockpit. So to speak. So to speak. They're getting sucked off by a twink, that's what they want these days. Broadsword calling Danny boy. No worries, we do that after the mission. Yeah. these days uh broadsword calling danny boy no no worries we do that we do that after the mission yeah and so he he poisons all of them and he hijacks the plane he does a fucking mh317 he flies the plane to largo's yacht and he ditches it in the water a first plane has struck the yacht yeah for some reason there's just a slot on the dashboard of this plane that you can just screw

something into and it goes straight into everyone's oxygen masks. Yeah, you just fucking shotgun a beer in there and everybody gets... Yeah, everyone breathe this in. And he uses that to kill them all, so... Gives everyone the vape. In my opinion, I wouldn't have one of those. Commandant Derval passes you the booth by inserting it into the locking lug in the fucking cockpit dashboard.

Ah, Commandant Derval's brought us all some laudanum. Wonderful. Yeah, so he kills all of them, he hijacks the plane, they crash the plane, and then underwater, he's trying to get out of his harness, and Largo and his dudes from Spectre show up in wetsuits and scuba gear and Largo cuts his airline and leaves him to die and like the movie kind of suggests that like

this is because of the you're not giving me enough money thing but like I kind of get the sense they were going to do that anyway there's no way to tell that he wouldn't just do that yeah he's a loose end and you know what do you need that guy for just like a guy whose only skill set is pretending to be italian for two years hey during that scene i was like yo you're largo he's got a hundred thousand

pounds in an envelope in his front pocket does not give a shit does not even get out of that that's how rich that guy is yeah so they steal the nuclear bombs which incidentally have uh have the words handle like eggs stenciled on them i'll make an omelette baby means something very different in belarus the underwater sequence where they're stealing the bombs it goes on way too long but the thing is like when underwater photography had just been perfected to movie quality it would have been amazing and i guess filming underwater takes so much work and effort but of course you don't want to cut any of it but it i mean listeners it goes on for like 15

minutes it's a two-hour movie and the problem with the underwater stuff is there's no dialogue right because there can't be and you also can't tell who anyone is yeah you have a bunch of guys in identical wetsuits kind of like they're either fighting or in this case what they're doing is they're moving the nuclear bombs from the plane to the boat but like you can tell who largo is it's like the portly guy yes it's the guy with the paunch they take the nukes they fucking cover over the plane and my god do they show you every fucking second of that process even the dudes like hammering the fucking tent pegs in I get it I get it I understand

I don't understand why Largo is always in these scuba diving scenes like surely he has a guy for that does not delegate he's like a water guy he's doing Colonel H Jones shit we appreciate a villain who gets his hands dirty

yeah a hundred percent that's just good management lead from the front baby great yeah although there is a great scene right because lago takes the bombs and he like gets out of his wetsuit so he's wearing like the vinyl wetsuit pants and then the guy he just puts on like a double-breasted suit jacket over such a good job i'm just like that's a fucking fit yeah i have to be honest many could not have the strength to pull this off that's right yeah um bond leaves the clinic captain on deck yeah but the clinic this this nurse whom he's like raped is now seriously besotted with him oh yeah and he has like get her off of the car so there's a bit here that we we skipped out which is the bond notices like they they move the corpse of the pilot into the health clinic to like replace one of the guys and bond to replace the yeah because the guy with the bandages on was the guy who was pretending to

be italian so they switched the real Italian guy with a fake Italian guy. And by coincidence, Bond discovers this and foils that particular plot and sees the guy dead. I was in that room for like a couple of minutes and Lippy's around the corner just like slowly putting a silencer on his gun the whole time. And I'm like, shoot him, kill him. Those things take forever to fucking put on, I guess. whole time and i'm like shoot him kill him those things take forever to fucking put on i guess trying to uh they're trying to push off this man should tell him but fortunately i've got a got a background in rudimentary phrenology the brain pan is all wrong that's not an italian brain pan i'd shoot that from a mile off i'm gonna i'm gonna skip ahead

over this next scene right which is lippy tries to kill bond and fiona kills him with by like riding a motorcycle with a rocket launcher on it very cool it's cool she blows him the fuck up that's it that's the scene i'm not gonna skip over this i'm gonna say i want to take a fucking second to say what the fuck blofeld lippy lippy is killed here distinctly Blofeld says this because he picked Anglo a shit guy who jeopardized the mission now cast your minds back two films to a shit guy who jeopardized the mission

a person who picked the shit guy wasn't killed he didn't kill Kleb for picking fucking Red Grant he killed Kronstein what standard are you applying this is bad people management this is terrible Kronstein could Like what standard are you applying? This is bad people management. This is terrible. Kronstein could have been number two by now. No one in Spectre knows

what Blofeld wants. It's terrible management style. That's what he likes. Keeping him guessing. Blofeld's trying to do that kind of mysterious everyone wants to be me. What does he want? Who knows? He'll just kill you for doing

shit. Why not? Just kill anyone for no reason. And so, we come back to MI6 headquarters in London. MI7, rather, because it's still fucking MI7. And it's a big crisis, right? Before the work left knocked it down. Every 00 man in Europe

is there. There's all nine of them julie bindle right she's there too well actually actually abby you say that three years a lady yeah there are nine seats bond takes on seven from the left so from this we can deduce 003 is a woman which is probably the most progressive thing this movie does i love the idea they make them sit in order. Put a fucking pin in that. Boy, girl, boy, girl. It is the last progressive thing this movie does. Yeah. And so they go through the tape that the government has received,

which is literally just give us 100 million pounds or we will blow up a city in the u.s or the uk with a nuclear bomb you could just sell a nuclear bomb for more than that even then you could ask for more than that like by this point you're like the you're the third nuclear power in the fucking world right you could fucking do whatever you want like you could be like give me wales yeah give give me give me a fucking country right but instead they're like no give us 100 million pounds because we like money what's fun is that the government guy doing the briefing here is the home secretary so nowadays it would be pretty patel leading this i just like to imagine i think we should take a hard line

on these people. The other point is they're doing this massive secret briefing, and there's this massive fuck-off floor-to-ceiling window behind them through which you can see other buildings. Fully in view of the giant map that they have. Yeah, it's great. I was like, this is where I jack off. Look at people on the street. Yeah, it's great. I was like, this is where I jack off. Look at people on the street.

Yeah. So Bond goes through this dossier, which has photos of all of the crew members of this plane, and it's got a photo of the real Italian guy, Derval, and his sister, Domino, who is a total smoke show, 100% babe. Bond's eyes bulge out of his head, it's like a heart can be seen through his shirt. He says, Awuga. It says Nassau on the back, so Bond is immediately fucking teleported to Nassau.

Bond has developed horny teleportation skills. Yeah, where he finds her scuba diving, and he says this to her, right? Most girls just paddle around. You swim like a man. Flocking bitches left and right in this movie. I'm like, what does this mean, man? You swim like a man.

I was sitting on an anonymous forum like, yo, do I paddle around like an AGP? Yo, you swim like a brick. So he tries to, like, seduce Yo, you swim like a brick. So he tries to, like, seduce this girl, Domino. He puts the moves on her, and she's kind of, like, playing along, she's kind of into it. But the whole time, they're being followed, right, around Nassau on the Bahamas with, um, by, like, these kind of, like, sweaty dudes. And she's like, oh, those are the guys who work for my guardian.

I'm his niece, but, like, also not really his niece. He tells people I'm his niece, but, like, yeah, but, like, actually I'm his, like, mistress. i'm his kept woman the same way that like the russian men in ski towns will often be there with their quote-unquote niece yeah like uh

my friends who once once uh waited at table for um kevin spacey and his son did not have a son yeah so like very very hot niece yeah and so like bond goes to the casino and he runs into largo who has this again incredible fit white dinner jacket so he's in the colonies you gotta have the white dinner jacket yeah just on top we should know casino in the colonies so it's double we should know like it's hard to not notice every single person on the beach in the casino is white, and every single waiter and servant, you can go back and look it through, they are all black.

The casino has a racist lamp. It has a lamp in the form of a Morric. The Bahamas, like Jamaica in Doctor No, was a crown colony at the time this movie was shot. They probably got a discount. In like seven years after this. So James Bond, undercover, walks up to the guy that is working for Spectre,

clocks the massive Spectre ring on his finger, which is cool as hell, this octopus ring, and immediately blows his own striker. By saying this, right? I thought I saw a spectre at his shoulder. And it's like, dude,

come on. Even though they have a full photo of you, you don't have to make it that easy for them. Yeah, he's just like trying to shit them up by being like, yeah, sure. I suppose things could go a bit nuclear. That's actually better than the shit he comes out with

my little... My spectre against your spectre. I read it in the opposite direction. I was like, Largo has the worst poker face of all time, because Bond's just saying spectre so often, and Largo's probably just going like, huh? Every time he does it, he's like, yo, what? Spectre, that thing that I'm in?

Yeah. What did you say about my boys? Largo's checking under his chair for electrical plates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Largo's just like angry Midwest guy who's just like, yo, what the fuck did you say? Hold up.

Yo, you're lucky I'm on probation right now. Yeah, you're lucky. You're lucky I'm on parole, you little bitch. You're lucky my niece is here. Yeah. So now begins the long second act of the movie, which I can broadly summarize as Bond and Largo just kind of become besties. They just hang out a bunch

it's kind of cool just dudes rocking like we are going to have to try and kill each other at some point but in the meantime let's just enjoy a bit of male friendship yeah like Largo sends a guy to spy on him and he gets into Bonto's home and

hides in the shower and Bond has the fucking actually inspired move of hides in the shower and Bonto has the fucking actually inspired move of just turning the shower on him and then beating him up what's so good during that scene is that Felix Leiter our boy Felix he's back

and he's gay in this one he's back he's gay he's being played by a guy named Rick Van Nutter he opens the door. He's back, he's gay, he's being played by a guy named Rick Van Nutter. Yeah, gay. He opens the door and he's like... Member of Johannes von Glockens. He's about to say,

oh, how you doing 007? And he gets gut-punched real hard by Bond. Who then goes, knocks out, he doesn't knock out the henchman, he just sort of knocks him over, and then immediately... He just pushes him over immediately So Bond gut punches Felix To stop him from saying 007 And giving away his identity to this hidden henchman

And then immediately Says it himself While the henchman is completely awake That's my line Greatest spy in the world buddy Never gonna let the yanks take my line Sorry Felix But you were about to say 007,

and the guy's just looking at him like... And then he sends him back to Largo. He gives him his gun back. Luckily, Largo's not very interested, because he's like, you let him get the better of you. He slaps him with a towel, and then he throws him into a pool full of sharks, which he has.

Yeah. Classic Bond villain shit. An extra $450 to jump into that shark pool. And I would have done that for less, easily. Sharks aren't scary. I think The Sopranos would have been improved by more of that. Instead of, like, you know, like, strangling a guy on your boat, just, like, having, like, sharks in your swimming pool in New Jersey, just throwing people in there.

I mean, it's the first of three shark pools that show up in the James Bond series. So they're like, this is a sick idea. You've got to have a shark pool. This is a fucking sick idea. It's just like going to that guy's house, like, why do you have this? No reason. He tries to explain it.

Would you mind touching that metal plate for me? He has an explanation. He says, I collect these for marine institutions, which, okay. He's just like, yo. It's an eco-fascist. Yo, I've got these guys because I think it's sick nasty, what do you mean? Have you met my niece, Greta Thunberg? So we go to Station B, the Bahamas, which is the MI6 station there. Station B for Bahamas.

They call them all like that. Like, at one point, Emma's like is like yeah we're sending you to station c canada station t turkey was in from russia with love and he always he never just says station t or station turkey it's always station letter country beginning with that letter which is fucking great there are a lot of there are more than 26 how many letters are imagine imagine the fucking between China and Canada as to who got to be station C well I mean it's just an example of one of those

little bits of weird army speak that they have in army and intelligence services like the way that in real life people from MI6 and MI5 refer to them as 6 and 5 yeah so we see that fucking station B we meet Paula I, we'd met her before, but

Paula is like... I want to talk about Paula. Paula is Bond's assistant in this movie, right? She's apparently Bahamanian, right? She's apparently from Nassau. And Bond doesn't even bother to introduce her like when when they meet felix with this guy he's like oh yeah this is our guy pinder this is our guy in nassau who does not really have lines and then he just fucking walks away and like felix has to make him introduce her anyway by

being like say who's that girl and it's like yeah it's paula i think that might have been adr'd as well paula sorry felix i have pushy is played by martin uh martin a bieswick who was one of the romany girls from from russia with love so probably not i don't know they're just they're just constantly recycling people uh apart from felix who has to be played by a new guy in every film this guy fucking nutter had a contract to appear in the next two Bond films as Felix and they were just like we can't actually fit that in

yeah no we're not going to do that we do get to meet Q though which is fun I like this scene we get this and he like introduces We do get to meet Q though, which is fun. I like this scene. We get this. Oh no. Ah, 007. And he like introduces him to all of the equipment

while Bond's like playing around with it. So he's got like a radioactive pill you can swallow that will like track your location. He's got an underwater camera. See your bowel movements. It's like this barium smoothie. He's not even doing jokes here, ultimately. He's like treating Bond

with genuine contempt for a lot of people. He's like, Bond, I know you're a piece of shit, idiot, fuck you, but could you please... Also, the fact that she was dressed like a boogaloo boy in this scene. It's a chastity cage, Bond. I expect you to wear it. There's some great shirts in this film. It's a chastity cage, Bond. I expect you to wear it. There's some great

shirts in this film. Most of which were worn by Felix Leiter, who is gay in this one. Yeah. So Bond is like, okay, fine. I'm gonna take all these gadgets. I'm gonna get into my red vinyl half swimsuit.

Yeah, what? It's like the Zardoz like before it went through a blender yeah and i'm gonna fucking spy on this guy's this guy's yacht the disco volante where i think he might be keeping the bombs um and he he does some spying there's an underwater fight more underwater fights uh he has to like fake his own death and eventually he like gets washed ashore and he has to hitch a lift from fiona and she gets to be cool right and i think this is interesting because it shows you how little the idea of the femme fatale or like making your movie progressive by having women just get to do epic stuff and it is which is she gets to do all this stuff she gets that she drives

bond back to his hotel and her must Mustang at like 120 miles an hour. Yeah, and Bond refuses to put his seatbelt on because he isn't gay. That's right. She's like, you should do out your safety belt, and he just does. He just refuses to put his seatbelt on. What do you think I am, Swedish? Come on. But unfortunately, we're still in the Largo and Bond are friends act, and so Largo

literally invites him to lunch and he shows him around. He shows him a shark pool and he introduces his henchman, one of whom is called Vargas. Ah, Vargas. I've been thinking about this line for the last week, the way he introduces Vargas. He offers him a drink, and then he says, Vargas does not drink, does not smoke, does not

make love. What do you do, Vargas? Every man has his passion. Mine is fishing. Does not answer that. Just moves on. Yeah, is that supposed to be a euphemism for something? Vargas does not piss. just moves on yeah is that supposed to be a euphemism for something or Vargas does not piss does not shit

does not cum Vargas was developed by the Honda Corporation as a marketing gimmick he is a he is a cunning animatronic robot that dances next to Hondas. You're watching the whole thing and you're like,

is Vargas gay? Is he supposed to be gay? Is he supposed to be gay? I genuinely can't tell. I can't tell what kind of slur or whatever they're trying to apply to this dude. Yeah, I don't know what the phobia is here. I don't know what the substance of his characterization is. He is gay for trees. It's a

Portuguese thing. He loves it. Also, a point I should bring up, because Bond gets to do the fucking Boothroyd line on Largo, because Largo is doing clay pigeon shooting or some shit with Volpe. Largo's like,

why can't we just kill Bond? Volpe's like, ah, you know, we shouldn't for a bit yeah because they'll know where he is and they'll know the Bond here if we kill him Largo meets Bond at the door with his gun and Bond's like ah it's a gay gun for women

what kind of femboy gun is this this is a literally trap gun on your way to your job at Holtish. It's like a fucking rifle. Like, what are you talking about, my man? There are some fucking camp rifles in this movie, though. Like the rifle that Felix Leiter uses to shoot sharks out of a helicopter.

Ooh. That is good. Also, he really did shoot a shark. He's in the helicopter and the sharks are in the water. He's not firing the shark out of the helicopter. That would be cool. Which would have been way better. And also would have killed fewer sharks.

Paula fucking gets neglected again, right? Because, like, Bond brings back the photos that he took underwater of the yacht. And then she's literally, she gets cut off in midline. She's, like, dubbed in being like, hey, I'll develop those photos. And it just cuts to the next scene. And the next scene is, she gets fucking kidnapped. Fiona raids the hotel room,

and they have some like, femme for femme banter, and then she just gets fucking kidnapped, right? And Bond finds out about this, and he agrees to like, raid the house, the mansion that Largo has on Nassau, by cutting the power.

He cuts the power across the whole island so it's dark, and then he uses that to come up behind a guy, pull his legs out from under him, punch him in the middle of the back and then leave. Classic. Yeah. Yeah, dudes rock. Bond is finally doing spy shit because he spent this entire film just sort of going places

and hanging out he's finally doing spy shit now but he's wearing all black and hiding against pure white buildings imagine living in the Bahamas and just like once a week the power goes down and you're like fucking MI6 again fucking Bond Bond fucking sucks shit at the spying too

he drops his gun off a roof and it goes off too which is not safe i feel like that wouldn't happen but yeah lago just implies employs perfect himbos and they're tricked into shooting at each other extremely easily it's fully like stimulus this whole sequence is kind of pointless because bond breaks in to try and rescue paula it turns out she's taking her suicide pills or she's already dead she's just fucking dead she's already like withstood torture or whatever and then she's just like yeah no fuck it not gonna wait for this dickhead i'm just gonna kill myself so bond tries to escape and then he falls in the shark pool and then gets out i want to jump forward a bit i want to talk about the the way in which Paula's death is announced to her presumably boss, presumably friend, this other guy, Pinder.

I want to mention the only extent to which he is ever mentioned again in this movie is literally this, right? I'll get back to him just as soon as I can. Anything else? Tell him Paula's dead. Like he didn't even have it in his initial report they were like yo you got anything else for us he's like oh yeah actually actually okay footnote okay he's dead okay sick but like yeah no as as you mentioned abby gets thrown into the shark pool and this scene is great right because like there's a bunch

of plexiglass that's very highly visible in there, separating Sean Connery from the sharks, who also are the most docile-looking sharks I've ever seen in my life. Though at one point during the filming, one of them did wriggle out from behind the plexiglass, and apparently Sean Connery got out of that pool so fucking fast. Now, I mean, there is this thing, right? First of all, it's an example of Largo doing the, like, placing Bond in an easily-escapable situation and assuming it will kill him thing.

He like, locks him in the pool, he seals off the top, and then he opens the fucking hatch that allows the sharks into the pool, which Bond just swims out of. He could have drowned him, but whatever. Imagine having a guard at the other pool or something, just anything at all. Absolutely not, could not be me. Like he's got like 30 guys there and they're all stood around the one pool just looking at it. I have a sad 1960s detail which is that this was

before the invention of no animals were harmed in the making of this movie. The shark that comes towards Sean Connery it's a dead shark they're pulling on a wire but in one of the takes that they did for this they underestimated the shark and like jaws it came back to life and nearly took a fucking chunk out of the stuntman so they kill two sharks on screen

in this film and they really they really did it they really did it with bullets no we had a question in our comments actually a little while back that was like you know do they kill the sharks in yeah and yes they do they fully killed those sharks like as a scuba diver and a nature lover i'm just i'm heartbroken it's just not scuba code compliant there's lots of stuff in here that's not really strictly scuba code compliant yes that's true it's very scuba heavy movie which is very weird like i feel like the earlier the earlier bonds are just so much more all over the place Yes, that's true. It's a very scuba-heavy movie. It's very weird. I feel like the earlier Bonds are just so much more all over the place in terms of, like, let's just do a fucking scuba one. What if?

Let's just do a water one. Fuck, I just invented the underwater camera. Let's put it there for, like, an hour. Fucking scuba Bond. He's supposed to be an SBS guy. Fuck it. So Bond escapes he like is like Paula's dead okay whatever

finds Fiona in his hotel room and he fucks her right there is this quite charming moment where she's in the bath and she says can you pass me something to wear and he gives her a pair of high heels that's like the one that is actually quite smooth there's some good dudes rock stuff

you know there's a couple yeah rock stuff. You know. There's a couple, yeah. They fuck, right, and then he opens the door in the morning. She fucks evil. She fucks in an angry way because she's bad. Yeah, she's wild. She's like an animal.

She should be caged. It's just her just like pissing on him. That's some quite freaky shit Besides your passion for water sports There it is There it is baby And as he turns around to close the door She's got a gun on him

Oh no He's had this coming since at least Goldfinger Here's here's the fucking speech and may i say queen but of course i forgot your ego mr bond james bond who only has to make love to a woman and she starts to hear heavenly choir singing she repents and immediately returns to the side of right and virtue. But not this one. What a blow it must have been. You having a failure.

I mean... Right, okay. It's well acted, it's a good speech, but it's lifted directly from criticism about the corrective rape of Pussy Galore. Whatever my haters say i am it's not a deconstruction of the trope like to deconstruct it would require more than just shoving a single speech into the fucking dialogue it's it's lazy it's a last minute addition

that attempts to deflect criticism i think it's also the other half of the Bond misogyny thing. It's like, okay, fine, we've set out this criticism of Bond, right? Now that this woman has proven that she can't be fucked good, he's got to fucking kill her, right? Right, absolutely. The next 20 minutes of this movie are just filler, basically. She moves him through a local Mardi Gras called the Junkanoo which they've badly, they've done a disservice

to the people of Nassau if that's what it fucking sounds like because it's literally just like the same three trumpet notes and they'll just loop them I don't know if people actually go out and listen to like doop doop doop doop doop doop people love the cantina band in the Bahamas.

Yeah, they love jizz music. I'll defend it slightly. There is a brief scene where there's just a dog pissing in the middle of this. That's cool. That's kind of funny. That's pretty good. And then there's ten minutes of just the most confusing visuals you've ever seen in your life. Yeah, Bond dances with her.

She tries to have him killed because I guess in the middle of a nightclub full of people is the perfect time and she's because like she was hyping that up earlier and he does the thing where he like swings her around in front of the bullet and she gets shot very anticlimactic end to one of my favorite villains so far i think i'd like to nominate her for the cronstein rosette yeah fiona i'm happy to do that she was originally going to be irish she was going to be fiona ke, but they cast an Italian woman, and they were like... No, Mr. Bond.

I think you'll find that it's quite hard to fuck me. Good. I'll fuck you bad. I mean, like, throughout the entire bit where he's dancing with her, all of the other henchmen are just sort of stood around, and my God, they're so fucking good at standing. They're standing so normal. It keeps coming coming to them and they're just like real trump family energy yeah yeah yeah so like bond bond goes out with felix in the helicopter felix shoots a couple

of sharks for fun and bond finds the plane and he goes into the plane he finds the body of the fake italian guy and he he takes his dog tag and his watch, the same things that we saw the guy find earlier. And we get to the closest thing to actual spying, actual human intelligence in this movie, which is, he finds Domino, and while she's at her lowest point, while he's just sprung this news on her, yo, your brother brother the person that you love most in the world the person that you just said is like the only good person you've ever known is fucking dead or she's dead and like now also i need you to do something for me i need you to do something extremely

dangerous for me i need you to do some spying and while she's fucking emotionally devastated she's just like yeah okay well no she sort of clocks it immediately she goes oh that's why you made love to me alright fair enough which yeah she's like look I'll do this but for him not for you that's not true I'm also just horny also at the start of that scene oh god

I have to mention it because I want it to be the fucking episode art she fucking steps on like a sea urchin or some shit and and bond just kind of like sucks the poison out of her foot now it's not really clear why that's in there we we get an answer as to whether or not bond eats pussy right that's what i was bringing up oh you're right and i quote he says it's the first time I've tasted women, they're rather good. Case closed. My man does not eat

pussy. We discussed this in From Russia With Love. I'm happy to accept this giant L that I've been handed from when I said doing From Russia With Love that Bond might eat pussy. No, okay, he doesn't. I am once again, always bet on Dev. Do you think that you can reopen

the question of whether or not Bond eats pussy when the actor changes? I think the different 007 tower... Yeah, yeah, different Bond actors certainly might eat pussy. Connery doesn't. I could certainly be convinced to eat a pussy. Okay, okay, okay. Connery,

no. Lazenby, yes. Moore, yes. Dalton... Dalton, alarmingly. Dalton would do it, but you don't want to do it. He stays down there. Brosnan, yes. Craig, no. I think Craig doesn't. No, Craig doesn't, because

it's too gay. Yeah. So, Bond, like, she reveals, oh hey, there's this secret flight of steps around the back of the Largo's house. So Bond goes to investigate. And he takes the fucking radioactive pill. He Chernobyls himself, I guess. And then it's a, oh fuck, it's a long diving sequence.

Yeah, my notes at this point say, Bond does some underwater shit, IDK, the trouble with underwater scenes is you can't tell who anyone is, or get the coverage you need to do coherent editing. But Bond takes the pill at 1 hour 41 minutes 43 seconds, right? This sequence ends at 1.51.19. So we're fully doing 10 minutes of this yeah and it's guys in wetsuits they retrieve the bomb they move the bomb around bond gets clocked he has a fight underwater and then he gets stuck in this like underground cavern thing that's above water yeah which was where they were storing the bombs he gets guess. I'm glad I've got you to explain this to me, because I completely did not get any of it.

Yeah, I looked it up just now, yeah. Felix has to rescue him based on this thing that emits a powerful enough radioactive signal that a helicopter can home in on it that he has swallowed. Now, yeah, if that's the case, my man is dead. I mean, we also know from Dr. Nerd that Bond is immune to radiation. That is true. Which is good! That's right, yeah. Yeah, but like, in the course of this, Bond overhears Largo being like,

okay, you know what we've got to do? Take the bombs and take them to our target area, Miami, because Spectre are more evil than we gave them credit for. They don't just want the, like, fucking £100 million because they're going to blow up Miami anyway. Well, they have two nudes. Like, fair enough. I would have just used one right at the start.

Just blow up... I personally wouldn't have done that. I'd just blow up one and then be like, yeah, look, we've got another. We're clearly serious. Can we have a lot of money? Whereas they were like, yo, we've got two. You have to to take our word for this we'd like a small amount of money there's an alternate version where specter decided to blow up boston to start with and they all just they all just got fucking destroyed immediately never managed that

like the people of boston did not put up with that no mark warburg is j Bond. They want the money delivered in the form of diamonds dropped into a sea off the coast of Burma. You may notice that's a ways from the Bahamas. It's a very camp, Mr Bond. The value of diamonds is kept artificially high.

Out of any resource, why would you go for the one that the De Beers have banks full of? Because they've already used gold, and it's not called gold gold. Gold again, like... Say what you will, gold is... Bond reports all of this about Miami.

Send us a hook. Your fucking Elon Musk is like... Are you familiar with GameStop, Mr. Bond? The United States deploys the special fucking gay marines. Because they clearly realized at some point filming this, okay, everybody looks the same underwater, and we already put the Spectre guys in black wetsuits.

What other colors do wetsuits come in? We've got to find a way to make the good guys visually distinct. We see the fucking Marines parachute in to fight underwater, wearing like fucking orange Speedos. Yeah, they're cut real short too. They're the fucking, they're the Wes Anderson Marine Division. The life of classic with James Bond. Bond's wearing a similar one. They're legitimately

cut like women's, like a bikini. There's a lot of ass on display. Bond's wearing white shorts. Bond's wearing one with a baby growth fastening under the crop. Which is loser shit to me. It's the chastity cage that Q gave him.

My favourite detail is he uh like a couple of times and the first time he wears it he takes it off when he gets on the beach to reveal that he's wearing a polo shirt underneath it he's a pop guy i don't know wearing clothes underneath other clothes that he does this a lot being driven around at 120 miles an hour in a sports car wearing a totally sodden polo shirt and just dripping into the upholstery it's such an unpleasant vibe there's something else i'm sure you have the drop for this because everyone clocked it but he complains about the way the way the wetsuit looks on him to Felix Leiter, who is gay in this one. Yeah, because he's fucking gay.

Felix goes, on you, everything looks good. I just wrote it in my notes, gay. I knew everything looks good. Gay, homosexual. I'm just going to set that to loop for the rest of the episode. I knew everything looks good. When will Bond... You'll be working with the CIA, Bond. The thing is, they're gay. When will Bond... You'll be working with the CIA, Bond.

The thing is, they're gay. When will Bond grab the oxygen? The CIA gay. See what he has right in front of him. Yeah, and he like tenderly caresses Bond and he straps a gigantic propane tank onto Bond's back. And this thing, this is what I want to do with the episode, not Bond fucking sucking feet.

Sadly, I'm the one that loves this. The thing where Bond arrives, right, where Bond arrives on the scene of this underwater battle, spraying behind him a jet of, like, yellow piss to propel him forward. Yeah, it is very strange. I don't know what it's supposed to be. They love, like, jetpacks in this.

He's got the air jetpack. He's got the air jetpack. He's got the water jetpack. There's a bunch of guys on fucking underwater 60s ski-do fucking scuba limousines. Yeah, and they all make this noise. It's really cool. Shooting each other with harpoons. Everyone who gets shot with a harpoon

immediately grabs onto it and goes, oh, they love to go. People get like stabbed people get their airlines cut but at the same time it goes on far too long i was like yeah it's cool right but like i'm still not over the bond is being propelled onto the scene by the jet of piss apparently this was green dye and like the way they shot it it turned out yellow but i'm i don't know why green is better why would you have any dye at all anyway what's extremely funny is that like like minute seven of this fight scene like the the camera guy is just filming like interesting looking underwater animals at that point like he'd give it up just like a deal that goes past every so often it's just like of a lobster or some shit.

They leave the camera guys bored as hell of it. Those are all CIA operatives. We are making it sound a lot more exciting than it really is. Yeah, like as you said at the top. The gay marines, they get one of the bombs back and then we're onto the boat because

the villain's trying to get away on his yacht. I fucking forgot a bit which is that he captures he captures domino yes uh she's she's trying to do the spying he immediately catches her and then he's like because i'm italian i'm gonna do i'm obviously a sexual sadist so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna torture you but his his idea of torture is he holds up a cigar and a bunch of ice cubes and and then says this for heat these for cold applied scientifically and slowly very very slowly and it's just like, what, dude? Alice is like Largo DMing. Threaten me with a good time, why don't you?

No, this is vanilla shit. Ice cubes. Come on. It's not even cold, man. Get some fucking salt. Baby shit. Yes. Get some salt with the ice cubes, dude.

What the fuck are you doing? Also, like, okay, we didn't mention him ages ago, but it's somewhat... I'm just writing that down. There's a's a nerd guy like there's a dweeb on board whose name is and I wrote this down more of a just kudza his name is Ladislav he's the cuck that's his role

yeah he's Ladislav Kudza what a name Ladislav Kudza genuinely he's the nice guy he's a Polish nuclear scientist who's like been employed to like arm these bombs and he's being paid however many nobel prizes worth of of money for it yeah so but like he sees domino being tortured and he's like yo i don't feel okay with this actually he overhears it and he like busts into the room like he's gonna do something he's calling out his mate yeah exactly he's like lago mate that's not very cool actually

i think you're sort of promoting a kind of unsafe work environment with inspector and like i'm behind what we do but i really think you should put more thought into the way you treat the women you work with so as soon as Largo is out of the room, he just like frees her immediately and he's like yo, can you put in a good word for me with the CIA? I threw the arming device into the sea. So the bombs

are just useless now. Yeah. It's like, cool. Okay, thanks, King. Yeah, and also they're on this boat which fully looks like one of those tourist boats you get on the river in a big city. Yeah. It should be full of fat Americans with DSLR cameras.

Doing donuts in commemoration of Captain Tom. We should maybe talk about the Disco Volante because it's supposed to be iconic. Disco Volante, simply Italian for flying saucer. It rules that all of the crew guys have t-shirts with my motor yacht disco volante on them yes i knew you'd pick up on that i would like that shirt yeah i think it's very cool it's like having a shirt that just says henchman on it which i would also like yeah very much yeah um do you think you would get to kill james bond merch do you think you'd get

sued if we made discoco Volante shirts? Probably. Almost certainly. Yeah, but the Disco Volante... If it's just Italian for flying saucer, how can they? Yeah. The Disco Volante has a party trick,

which is... And it really did this. This was a practical effect. The front half of the boat turns into a fucking, like, hydrofoil, and it separates from the back so the navy are chasing them down and he just leaves the back half of his boat behind to shoot at them and when we say the navy it's like fully a fucking destroyer it's just uh hms rothsay it's like a massive

fucking warship is just shooting at this like back half of a yacht with like which is not moving it's like a massive fucking warship is just shooting at this like back half of a yacht with like two guns which is not moving it's just sitting there yeah the front half of the yacht had everyone on it who could act because the back half of the yacht has a bunch of extras on and like the yacht is on fire and then one guy just like saunters casually to the back and just completely belly flops off it yeah oh yeah, there's a lot of fun stuff of like a single bullet strikes the back half of the yacht and a guy like jumps off the side

as though he's been thrown by an explosion. It gets blown up after a while, but like... There's also like a ton of dummies on there as well that's very funny. Yeah, it's a fun time. So meanwhile, Bond has like clambered aboard this fast front part of the boat, the hydrofoil. Largo's on it, Domino's on it, and this Polish dude Kudza is on it. And so there's

then a fight on the bridge, which is great, because the captain's hat gets knocked off three times. That's how well it's edited. I counted this. Why does he keep putting the hat back on he's like no I'm the captain oh they know who's captain whoever's wearing the hat is captain yeah it's different guys keep picking it up Bond is like throwing chairs

at people and then like Largo owns him to be honest Largo kicks his ass there's a point Largo's pretty, to be honest. Largo kicks his ass. There's a point. Largo's pretty strong for a guy his age. There's a point where a guy holding some fucking champagne just comes up the stairs and then immediately gets his dick kicked in.

Yeah, not quite sure. Like, now's not the time. I didn't fucking order this. He's just coming up. He's like, hey, what's up? Oh, fuck, oh, fuck. Yeah, I brought this for aftercare for you and Domino. Yeah, no. So's like, hey, what's up? Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I brought this for aftercare for you and Domino. Yeah, no.

So, yeah, no. There's a weirdly lengthy section where Bond just like for ages slams a guy's head in a door. Yeah, he does. Like right away. Way longer than necessary. He does it like four or five times. He's hitting him in the shoulders every single time. He's like, hang on.

Hang on. Wait, hang on. Sorry. And it's one of those. it's one of the henchmen guys who's like wearing a Disco Volante t-shirt, and he like does not pose any threat to Bond at all. He's not even a big guy, but Bond is just

beating the absolute shit out of him. Bond's just going absolute ape shit. He's just, everyone... Bond goes sicko mode in this fight, actually. Yeah. There's like two, there's like five guys in that. Yeah. So Largo's about to kill him, and at the last second, Domino shoots him in the back with a harpoon gun, and he gets to do the thing of like, grabbing onto the harpoon and going, and he fucking dies. But he dies in a really inconvenient way because he wedges the controls with his like incredibly large body

And so they can't turn it they can't move him and you get a bunch of Accelerated shots of the boat going in and out of like oh, yeah fast forward God this footage is so fast. Oh my god You have no idea three times speed. It's the same five second piece of footage. They use it at least three times. No boat has ever traveled that fast. It's like Lake Windermere shit. Like fucking a boat traveling at 200 miles an hour. Largo also, he confirms like during the scene, he's like, yeah, we've got one of the bombs on board still.

We're still fine. We're still fine. And then the ship explodes and i'm like is that is that the second nuclear device bond has set off in the caribbean they throw everyone jumps off uh bond and domino whose hair and makeup looks great for someone who's been underwater and tortured by the way and they throw off the cock polish guy who then just disappears from the film in the last scene he is like, like, allowed to die. He's like, but I can't swim!

And then Bond's like, there's no better time to learn, and just hands him a fucking ring. Yeah, and, like, shoves him. And then we never see him again? That guy dies! He's just been abandoned. Yeah, that guy died in real life. Yeah, no, like, incidentally,

as part of the special effects of this, the pyro guy gave the director a bunch of experimental rocket fuel to fucking blow up the boat, but he didn't say, hey, only use a bit of this. And so the director just fucking went around with a gas can full of this, just sloshing it around, and then lit it and ran, and the explosion blew out windows and that's holy shit it's like a record genuinely like it's fitting for the name of the movie because it fucking goes up right yeah um it's genuinely the biggest explosion that had ever been in a film at that point like it was incredible

but as a consequence it looks ridiculous because the boat kind of lightly grazes the shore and then just like absolutely goes. It's like, wow, Italian engineering. Which leads me to your work. That's the nuke going off. Like that's all that leads me to. So Bond and Domino end up in classic fashion on a life raft.

And then we see because this. this okay this bit fucking sent me like i like when it is well i was like excuse me this was a real strategy that was used by the coast guard at the time we gotta talk about a guy called george rachon george rachon was a u.s air force guy um and he like he was there in with the US military. He was the guy who got them the clearance to fly over Fort Knox. He was the guy who got them the jetpack. He appears as an RAF

officer in this movie. In Goldfinger, in fact... Back then the accent was the same. Yeah, that's true. There was like, there's a sign on the base at Fort Knox in Goldfinger that's like General Rashaan commanding, because like, they, you know, as an Easter egg, as thanks for him. But like, yeah, no, one of the things that he got to do in this movie was he got them a Fulton Skyhook system, which was developed for the fucking CIA. So it was insane. And if you've played Metal Gear Solid 5, you know what it is.

But the idea is you attach yourself to a balloon on a cable. You send that balloon up in the air and then... Pennywise the CIA operative. A plane with a giant fucking fork on the front of it catches that balloon cable and they winch you in behind the plane so you can get into a cargo plane that's flying without having to land. This was a real thing and they used

it. I think they did it once or twice. It sounds really safe. That's the first thing that strikes me about it. It sounds like a great idea. It picks Bond up. He's strapped into it but Domino isn't. She's just hanging on to him. Yeah, he's just holding her.

Yeah, she is fully just going to fall and hit the water and lose all of her skin. Domino's gone. That's what they call a de-gloving injury. Ooh. So, that's the movie, right? It's the movie. What did we make of this film? What did we think? I think, right, my take was that it the movie, right? It's the movie. What did we make of this film?

What did we think? I think, right, my take was that it's easily the gayest of the Bond movies so far. True, true, 100%. The interesting thing about the homosexual subtext is it's completely unintentional, except for where they wanted to be threatening with it. Like, there's a bunch of shit that happens in it that's gay as hell, but they're clearly, like... I knew everything looked good. It's clearly just, like, dudes hanging out to the guys who wrote it and then everything let me show you my shark pool mr bond he just hangs out with larko for ages join me he just sort of hangs out with him and it's cool

it's great there's a there's also a point where he dances with lago's partner um niece quote unquote i don't remember what character that was and and largo comes over to like sort of break that up and one's like oh your niece is very good at dancing and largo goes let me show you i'm as good at losing as you are at winning but i wanted it to just cut off there and be like yeah let me show you i'm as good and then they fucking yeah there's a lot of stuff in this film that's kind of like adult baby shit like the guy's got a girlfriend he's pretending to be his niece there's like a bond is wearing all the weird like baby grow shit at various points

bond has no kind of drip throughout this entire fucking movie he looks the one thing that haunts me from this movie... Of course. Vargas does not drink. Does not smoke. Does not make love. What the fuck does Vargas do? He gets shot with a harpoon and dies. What does he do? Because they're clearly trying to set it up for something. He can only nut.

Vargas doesn't have a line. It's like, I feel like we're being led into an in-joke here that we don't know the context for. It's like, yo, you seen this Vargas guy? He doesn't make love, if you know what I mean. He just really loves pancakes. He just has, like, model trains or some shit. Like, what does Largo do? Yeah, it's like hearing the back half of a Milo story about a guy that you met in Russia.

Vargas is like, look, I have a life when I'm not working for Spectre, you know, I just choose not to talk about it at the office because I'm a professional. Vargas is the bird kind piss guy. He does not cum. Vargas turns around and he says, the stand of the birds in here

is fucking atrocious. Vargas has one love and it's cocaine. Yeah. We have a science-based system on this podcast. That is true. Oh, yeah, we do. We have our patented

SCUMM system. We rate the films out of 007 on smarm, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. So what do we think on this one for smarm?

I'm tempted to give it a full seven out of seven. I went and leaped six. There's some lines like I think he got the point. Oh, yeah. There's a number of other point. Oh yeah, my partner, she's just dead. He has no banter.

That's not even a pun. No banter at all throughout this entire movie. Shit banter, shit outfits, 7. 7 out of 7. Cultural insensitivity. Once again, we're on a crown colony and the only black people are servants I feel like that was just an accurate

Representation probably Of what the Bahamas was like I feel like you can't pin that on the film You can pin that on the British government It makes all Italians very horny But again that's just accuracy and media So we're not concerned with that The most offensive thing to me

Is that The fucking refugee charity and media, so we're not concerned with that. The most offensive thing to me is that Emilio Largo... The fucking refugee charity is pretty culturally insensitive, if you ask me. To me, Adolfo Celli... They're not against a particular culture. Adolfo Celli had a very strong Sicilian accent, so they dubbed him all the time, and to me that

is deeply offensive. Very funny. Because you're doing it to Italians. Oh, you want to see my shark paw? Hey, pal, check this shit out. We've been taking a lot of flack for having ridiculous racist accents, so we're not going to let

anyone who sounds foreign speak anymore. Imagining this line in a highly Sicilian accent. Of course. Vargas does not drink. Does not smoke. Does not make love. Hey Vargas does not drink. Does not smoke. Does not make love. Hey, he does not drink. He does not fuck.

Vargas. The thing about Vargas, he does not fuck. He does not cum. It's a very stereotypical black guy in the parade who's just like drunk on rum. So I want to give it a few points for that. How do I feel about like a four? Three or four? I'd go three. I'd say three. I'm happy to pull a three.

It's quite low, I would say. Which leaves us with unprovoked violence. Now, very little, I think. He did murder Volp. He did murder Fiona Volp. Yeah, I suppose that was provoked.

He sort of had a choice of where that would go. Yeah, because it was like someone else murdered her in the course of trying to murder him. Yeah, that's like almost self-defense, kind of. I want to give it a couple of points for unprovoked violence against sea animals. Yeah, they did kill two sharks. Yeah, that's true.

I think we can go for like a two. Don't worry, those sharks were Italian. One for each shark. They had to dub those shocks were italian one for each shot god damn it and finally misogyny oh it's high it's gotta be high probably i mean we've got another rape now yeah the discussion you do get a bit of trans representation at the start no i feel very represented by this actually

the discussion we had, maybe not by us is the rape at the start now so far we've had two rapes on screen in this James Bond series we've had the last one of Pussy Galore which is

shown within the fiction of the show itself to be literally the one thing that Bond did right through the entire, like, which is pretty bad. When you introduce a character that you're calling Pussy Galore, it's always shocking when her portrayal is not entirely feminist coherent. She's supposed to be a lesbian, isn't it? So there's a corrective rape there

that is shown to be like... It's just one where, fuck, I didn't know she was supposed to be. Right, yeah, yeah. No, she's a lesbian. It's like introducing... Who will call, say,

what sort of name do lesbians have? Pussy galore. It's like introducing a gay guy and calling him Dick Suckington. And then there's the rape in this one. I hate mufti divers, the lesbian. Pussy galore and her mufti divers

fuck and then there's the sensitive then there's the rape in this one which is not shown to be like important to the plot at all it's sort of an incidental and I don't know which one is worse in terms of its portrayal like the one that's

necessary to the plot or the one that is insignificant i don't think you can draw a distinction really exactly they're both different kinds of like all consuming misogyny it's got to be a seven out of seven it's a seven out of seven yeah absolutely thank you just justice for sharks yep justice for sharks it gives it a total score of 20 which means it's not as bad as goldfinger but it's definitely our second worst so far Well that sounds about right, that fits in with the sort of thing that we've been doing so far

Well this movie is supposed to be like the best one Yeah, although I have to say this was my least favourite of the films so far It drags It's really boring, I've had a lot more fun recapping it than... Milo, thank you for coming on to watch a very uninteresting film

for Uncomedy Podcast. Oh, absolutely. I'm gunning to come back for a Roger Moore or something. Oh, you've got to, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Those are the fun ones. Yeah, we need a backup to make this fun. We're working our way through the sort of...

We're grimly progressing through the Sean Connery era but like once we Hit Roger Moore that's gonna be Full camp and I'm very much looking Forward to that Fuck scuba, space Moonraker is gonna be Fuck yeah

100% Come back and rake some fucking moons Do we have any closing thoughts about Thunderball or indeed James Bond as a whole? The thing about Thunderball is that it's the most financially successful Bond film until Skyfall. This is the one.

Of every single discussion between who's the best Bond villain, obviously Blofeld goes to number one easily because these people are dumb. But the second place is always up and down between Largo or Goldfinger. And we've now seen the two that are supposed to be the second best villains after Blofeld. So it's not going to go well for us, I don't think. Yeah, the newer films, the villains do all kind of suck.

Yeah. Even like, I really like the Brosnan films, but the villains all suck. No, I will defend 006 until... Okay, true. Until Sean Bean is the best. We'll get there. We'll get there.

I think it's still a contest. Goldfinger's definitely better than Largo. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Goldfinger's got the fit. The plot of this film just baffled me i mean insofar as it really had a plot but just like the whole thing like all the underwater stuff was so unnecessary like actually the bombs were just like on a boat the whole time so like why well

like like all of the stuff with the scuba diving was just like we just want to put scuba diving scuba diving i mean it's like we basically know that these bombs are on this guy's yacht but we're going to go through all this unnecessary interstitial like dudes hanging out some fucking some like other random shit there's a gay guy we're going to murder a shark and then we're going to do a load of scuba diving only ultimately so that james bond can get on a yacht and ascertain that the bombs have been disabled by this random Polish guy. So the entire thing was pointless. They keep cutting back to scenes with the fucking Home Secretary and M who are going, any more news from Bond?

No, nothing. Nope. It's like, Bond, you could just call this in, man. Like, you've got probable cause to search the fucking boat at the very least. in man like you've got probable cause to search the fucking boat at very least and also like it's like you said earlier on abby like this was probably the sickest shit anyone had ever seen in 1965 because of all the underwater shots but i don't give a fuck about anything that's underwater so this this was nothing to me there's nothing i care about is fundamentally unserious not interested yeah and there's a word for that. And the word is?

Hauntology. Hauntology. That's right. That's right. That only leaves me to say that we have a Patreon. You can give us money. You can listen to bonus episodes. And our next one, we're going to do a fucking Q&A.

But yeah, Milo. Oh, yeah. I have so many things to plug. I mean, if you listen to this podcast, you probably already know about Trash Future. If not, maybe check that out. What if a Swedish man was Italian? Who knows?

But especially, please check out Masters of Our Domain. It's a podcast that me and Phoebe Roy do where it's a similar format to Kill James Bond, but Seinfeld.

We watch Seinfeld. We endeavor. Where it differs from Kill James Bond is that we discuss Seinfeld so much less than you discuss James Bond. I think you've got a special guest coming up on the next episode.

Yeah, we have actually every single cast member of Kill James Bond has now been on Masters of Our Domain. So check that out. By the time this episode comes out, all of those will be up as well. I'm almost certain because this is a few weeks from now. Abbey's will have come out the previous Monday. So go and check those out. Check that out. Check out Trash Future. Check out

Masters of Our Domain. Check out our Patreon. You can give us money as well. You should do that. And thanks again for watching and we will be back with James Bond will be returning, brackets, Japanese, with... Oh, God.

You know what it fucking is. You only live twice. Fuck me. Yeah. See you in a couple of weeks. Hey, all. Devon here again. How's your week been?

Oh, you know, I've been alright. Same old, same old. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Kill James Bond will return in two weeks' time with You Only Live Twice. But, if that is simply too long to wait, we do have

a Patreon, where we upload bonus episodes on those interstitial weeks. That's patreon.com slash killjamesbond, all one word. Special thanks to our £15 and above patrons, and those are Jack Holmes, Paint McCalla, Timothy Pugioni, Jack Bushell, Larry Kins, Beleth, Amanda Rogda, Kentucky Fried Commie, This has been Kill James Bond with Devin, Abby, and Alice. Our producer is Nate Bethea, and our podcast art is by Matt Lubchansky. See you next time. Редактор субтитров А.Семкин Корректор А.Егорова