Upstream - Episode 5: You Only Live Twice

Episode Date: April 13, 2021

The gang fix their withering gaze on You Only Live Twice, a movie wherein the line is delivered completely straight "This is my secret ninja training camp". Join 007 as he follows the three true steps to creating a perfect movie: - Become a Japanese - Train hard and fast to become a ninja like us - to give extra special cover, take a wife Follow us on twitter at https://twitter.com/KillJamesBond    

So this was like the summer of 2019. And I was attending Friend of the Show Milo's comedy special Pindos in Camden. So it was just like the very much the month I had moved to London. And I was fresh off being recognized twice. I was in a nightclub in Birmingham and once at the protest when Boris prorogued parliament. I don't even recall what that is. So I was like, well, mine and Trash Future, mine and Milo's audience probably overlap a fair amount. So there was like a good chance I would be recognized there that night. And I was in the lobby waiting to be led in. I was there alone. So I just struck up conversation with the person next to me. And during the chat, I happened to mention this.

And she said, oh, really? And that turned out to be Abigail Philosophy Tube. Someone who at the time had, I think, like 500,000 YouTube subscribers. 5,000 followers, wow. Yeah, no, it was not a good... The funny thing was, Dev, that it couldn't have been better timing. But as soon as you finished telling me that you had 5,000 followers, I said, oh, really?

That's really cool. Someone immediately came up and recognized me. And said, holy shit, you're a philosophy tube. I was like, oh, yeah, I am. They were like, I've made this full 3D model of your head just from a series of file photographs. I felt so bad. No, that's not even the worst part. The worst part is the next time we met,

which was at a different Trash Future live show in Hackney afterwards. It was just me, you, Riley, and Riley's partner. We were getting chips, and you told this story from the other direction because I had transitioned far enough, but you didn't recognize that it was me. Oh, I'm so sorry. And you were like, oh, last time I was at a TF event, some fucking dipshit tried to flex on me.

I'm so sorry, Dev. There is one Devon among us I'm so sorry Dev and that's the first two times I met Abigail now we're both in the correct gender and we're friends it all worked out in the end

I'm not trying to replicate this strategy. It's not a particularly good one. Do not try and introduce yourself to any of us at any time. No, don't do it. It's too awkward. And I was just thinking about this because, obviously, like, a little bit of a peek behind the curtains for the viewers,

but we're recording this on Transgender Day of Visibility. Yeah, I've got my webcam on and everything. If you haven't realised this so far, all three of us are trans. Did any of you not realise that? There's one person listening going, oh, fuck, oh, shit, and unsubscribing from the Patreon. I'm genuinely sort of worried about that.

Because I haven't out loud on the podcast ever said that I use hate. Because the thing about me is, right, my voice is hyper-passable. Transgender day of cell phones. Two dudes on this podcast. So many people will listen to my voice and think, yes, this is a cisgender woman. I actually quite like your voice. I think it's good.

It's a good voice. I quite like it. I think we all sound very good. Well, we're here to discuss James Bond. What? Speaking of living twice. Living twice. Which we all have.

You know who else lives twice? James Bond. That's right. James Bond has transitioned. James Bond. That's right. James Bond has transitioned. And I am trembling in awe at the possibility of the bit

that has just laid itself out before me. Which is to say, we're talking here about Weeb James Bond. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

We're gonna get to this he doesn't even try to do a voice he's undercover as a japanese man he's just walking around let me let me put it this way let me give you the opening and the opening is something that dev selected from this movie that i think is going to betray the level of sensitivity and the level of um affinity that this movie that i think is going to betray the level of sensitivity and the level of um affinity that this movie has for the culture and history and people of japan so i present to you kill james bond episode number five you only live twice do you have any commandos here i have much much better ninjas top secret Top secret, Bonsan. This is my ninja training school.

And I feel like that's a beautiful companion piece to Welcome to Specter Island. Of just instantly, this is my ninja training school. And a wall of ninjas advancing you know, even if you haven't seen it you know you only live twice because it's the one where James Bond becomes Japanese right? You're familiar with that

you've seen it made fun of before by us but like honestly it's a surprisingly small part of this movie, like it's a surprisingly small part of this movie. Like it's a two hour movie and he spends about 45 minutes of it as James Bond brackets Japanese. I mean, he just looks like a fucking Vulcan. When they give him the facial Japanese-ification surgery, he just looks like Spock.

I am going to be peppering that one through. It's such a good one. Shall we get into this? We begin, as all good things do, in space. It's the fucking Mercury-Gemini missions. The Americans are sending up manned capsules to orbit the Earth, and one of them gets, well, it gets vored. The spaceship gets vored by a Vore spacecraft. There is an unmarked spacecraft that comes up behind it in the vacuum of space and just swallows it whole.

Also, like, kills an astronaut, because it, like, cuts his lifeline. He's left drifting in space, which is very funny. And the Americans blame the Soviets. The Soviets have a fantastic line. The Soviet government denies all knowledge of this affair. The world knows we are a peace-loving people. Just, you know, a little wink at the camera there.

The world knows it. Yeah. And the British go, no, terribly sorry, old chap, but I don't think it was the Soviets either, because we tracked this rogue spacecraft and it's come down somewhere near the Sea of Japan. It says the Sea of Japan. The Sea of Japan. It's come down somewhere near the Sea of Japan. The Sea of Japan. It's coming down somewhere, the Sea of Japan.

The Sea of Japan. And we recommend that you direct your intelligence forces there, and we are doing likewise. Our top man in Hong Kong is on the case. Smash cut to noted tuxedo dipshit, James Bond. Who is, he's having sex with a woman in Hong Kong. And straight away, his first line, the thing that they hit you with to establish, like, his character in this movie, first thing out of his mouth. Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls?

What?! It's so bad! What?! girls what it's so bad like it's so fucking bad i when i was talking to my friends about this they genuinely didn't believe me that that was the first line bond says first thing he says why do chinese girls taste different from all other girls the last time we saw bond kissing a a Chinese girl she was a woman in yellow face, so presumably it's because he's never kissed a real Chinese girl in his life. Insensibility is very woke now.

He's willing to kiss non-white women. He will insult them. He compares it to the difference between Peking duck and Russian caviar, and it just sent me into a sort of a full body cringe um luckily luckily this woman has the the correct response to this which is to

murder him um we we finally we do it they love killing james bond but only in the opening sequence this is like the fourth consecutive bond film that has opened on a fake out of bond dying and one of these days i'm gonna stop falling for it yeah but not this time no this time i was wholly convinced she's like oh just let me leave the room and then she literally she locks him in a murphy bed that flips up inside the wall and two guys come and spray the wall with submachine guns. So he gets murked. A couple of Hong Kong police find the body and

what they say is, having found him I guess like half-dressed, Well, at least he died on the job. He'd have wanted it this way. Died as he lived. I was like, paramedics show up and just repeatedly own a corpse. And they're like, yeah, he died

doing what he loved. And it's like, fucking or sleeping? Like, either way, withering own of this corpse, dude. And then clearly, like, they know who James Bond is, even though they're just random cops. James Bond is. We established in the second film,

everyone knows what he looks like he keeps telling everyone what his name is everyone knows he's the British secret agent but we find out this is part of an audacious plan right to solve that very problem because the British

secret service could not possibly employ more than one dude at any time no the way that they solve the problem of everybody knows who james bond is and what he looks like and they have a 3d printed mask of his face is not to like retire him it's not even to like yeah i would have just retired him it's not even to make him look different with plastic surgery, a thing that we've already established is possible within the universe of these movies. No, they fake his death.

He is given a naval funeral off of a ship in Hong Kong Harbor. Yeah, not even out of the bay. He's buried at sea like 500 meters from port. No, they just dump him in the fucking, like, undredged undredged he's gonna wash up in like 10 minutes they do that at sea i'm pretty sure yeah and they give him the full royal navy funeral and they you know they commit his body to the to the deeps until the sea she'll give up her dead they they set this up a little because they have a guy watching this ship and right next to him he's got

a newspaper and it says British Naval Commander Murdered and it has a picture of Bond. Very obvious spy murdered. Completely a photograph of James Bond. Hold this in your mind for later. Known rapist found dead.

No one bothered. One sexual offence too many poor dear died in in murphy bed related slaying died with gambling debts of several thousands happens to the best of us he is dumped off the boat like Osama bin Laden and this guy

looks quite satisfied, and he's like, huh, well, I guess they really have killed him then. Meanwhile, as his body sinks to the bottom of Hong Kong harbour, a couple of divers come and pick it up. Oh! All of us race ourselves for a 20-minute scuba sequence! I saw them underwater, and I was like, no, no, no, no! All of us go, we're not... We're not ourselves for a 20-minute scuba sequence. I know. I saw them underwater and I was like,

no, no, no, no, no. Unfortunately, it's very short, actually. Yeah, they've kind of realized this time that underwater photography isn't as much of a novelty as it was in Thunderball. So they just move his dead-ass corpse into a submarine. Whereupon, they open it up and he's there in full navy dress uniform

with an aqualung and in in one of the sort of moments that i quite like about bond uh he his the first words out of his mouth of permission to come aboard sir which is very it was it was stylish right it's very naval um and yeah so so he... Unfortunately, the naval thing, they really commit to that. So he goes aft and he finds Moneypenny in uniform. He goes aft. He goes aft.

He goes aft. Aft. You should go aft, sir. He goes into the fucking submarine is what he goes in. No, he goes aft. He goes into the fucking submarine, right? Oh, I push the come aboard, sir?

He goes off. I said off. Listeners, you can't see this, but Alice is literally wearing a camouflage jacket as we record this. Okay, yes, that is true. Of course she knows what the word is. Listen, I think it's very interesting.

This is the first time in the series they've remembered that Bond is supposed to have been in the military. Yeah, they do remember he's a Navy guy in this. It's interesting that Bond is a Naval officer, right? Because traditionally, like, this is just something Fleming lifted from having been in Naval intelligence during the war. But traditionally, for this sort of, of like debonair, dashing, individualized hero, for that kind of modernism, you would tend to pull from the Air Force, right?

You'd make him a pilot, but instead they went slightly more old world and slightly more imperial. And so for a guy who spends a lot of his time piloting various aircraft and a lot of his time just fucking around on land, he's a Navy guy. He's a retired Royal Navy commander. And he also spends a lot of his time drinking, which I have it on good authority the Navy do. That is true. Toasting the siege of Gibraltar. So he meets Moneypenny, who is a Wren, by the way, also in uniform.

Because at the time this was made women were not allowed to serve in the royal navy so she is an auxiliary um and she she introduces him back to m who just has an identical photocopy of his office on a fucking submarine as a flex they they didn't go for the padded door which i was really hoping they would yeah i wanted to like leather padded door m's an admiral by the way i was gonna say like did you catch what m was wearing because yeah as the military person what he's he's wearing a the uniform of a full admiral complete with the fucking like white tropical shorts which are very very funny. He's wearing a Great War trio, right? Which implies that he enlisted in, like, 1914.

If you look at Bond's ribbons, he has a Pacific star. So that's what he spent the war doing, was fucking around in the Pacific drinking too much gin. I believe it. No, I could see that. But he gets briefed, and they tell him, yeah, we've just killed you because everybody knows your face too much. Everybody knows who James Bond is.

And so we've agreed to fake your death so you can look into this missing American spacecraft. Rocket fall down, Bond. Rocket has fallen down. Not only has the rocket fallen down, it's been completely stolen. Well, the thing about this is that this is actually sort of a little bit of a glimpse into the psyche at the time, because this was filmed like just after Apollo 1 had burned up on on the launch pad so astronauts dying was like a big cultural worry at that point oh yeah so showing one die right at the start was a way to get people

invest and be like oh my god dangerous thing at this point yeah yeah um and so bond is like yeah fine i'll look into it and they shoot him out of a torpedo tube, which is first of all very funny, second of all a real thing that you can do. I didn't know that, I had to look that up for this, but yeah, you can deploy a guy out the front of a submarine by just shooting him out of a torpedo tube. Yeah, because the torpedo is self-propelled.

All you have to do is just open the tube up. I have a question. If you launch a man out of a torpedo tube in Hong Kong, is it possible for him to then swim the 1,792 miles to Tokyo? My point, yeah, is that he then immediately

surfaces in Japan, and you've got to ask how long he was on that fucking submarine. Yeah, he arrives in fucking Tokyo. Now, I'm not an expert in Asian geography. He was riding the piss cannon from Thunderball. And he rode that all the way to the coast of Japan.

Where, like, I mean, what do you expect? Oh my god, wait, sorry, I need to go back to a to a sentence he said on the way out of money penny's office that we skipped over on the way out she hands him like a fucking instant japanese book yes yes i have it i have japanese japanese you may need it you forget i took a first in oriental languages at Cambridge You forget I took a first in oriental languages at Cambridge A man cannot say a certain word I always said Bond pegged as an Oxford man

Ohio-gaziamus Was Bond in the footlights? He says like five words in Japanese And every single one of them is bad in the footlights he says like five words in japanese and every single he says he says that and he says and that's the that's the extent of his of his like first in oriental language at cambridge i would have thought that he would be at oxford i mean i i didn't have him pegged as a cambridge guy it's funny to imagine him like doing a smoker with the footlights like dressing up in a dressing up in a dress and then like getting thunderous him doing a smoker with the footlights, dressing up in a dress and then getting thunderous applause at a smoker.

A friend of the show and previous guest, Milo Edwards, telling a story about a guy he met at Cambridge, but it turns out that it was James Bond. Phil Wang introducing a new comedian, James Bond. James Bond. So James Bond arrives in Tokyo, and the way that we know it's Tokyo is there's a lot of neon signs saying welcome to Tokyo, and a geisha getting into a rickshaw. That's the level we're pitched at here.

Oh yeah, baby. And within fully a minute, right, of the scene in which we are told, we have spared no expense, we have gone to a great deal of trouble to fake your death so no one knows that you're still alive. Bond

walks around looking like James Bond, and a woman in a kimono, like, just fully says yo, that's James Bond into her purse, into a radio in her purse. He's, like, not even in disguise at all. He's wearing a full suit. He's, like, head and shoulders taller than everyone else in Japan. Just walking around the place.

The other thing he's wearing is just a constant look of confused disgust as he walks around like his facial expression is so like oh like what the fuck like he's yeah and like the way this is shot you're like meant to be slightly alienated right and you're meant to be like huh this is both exotic and also slightly like discomforting and weird and clearly, going down the big list of stuff that they have in Japan, what do they have in Japan? Geishas? Check. Rickshaws? Check. Neon lights? Neon lights? Check. All over the fucking

shop. Big fucking dudes. Sumo! They've got huge dudes, baby! They've got huge dudes. Ah, yes. But Bond gets to take in a sumo match, where he maintains this exact same expression of kind of, like, pleasant disgust while these big dudes wrestle each other until he meets his contact, Aki, who is a beautiful woman. Surprising. Damn, that's crazy.

And she's going to take him to our man in Tokyo whose name is Captain Henderson. Captain Henderson, my god. Captain Henderson. I love Captain Henderson. The gayest man in the East. My man is a homosexual. Yes, yeah.

Mr. Henderson is played by veteran of the Britishish stage charles gray whose obituary literally ended with the phrase charles gray was never married like he is he is extremely gay and he bachelor he plays henderson as very, and it's brilliant. It does. Yeah, it works great. Bond, first of all, immediately pulls a gun on him, and then, noticing that Henderson walks with a cane, decides to pull some more ableism by taking that cane off him and smacking it into what he correctly guesses is his false leg.

I took that as his way of like double checking but it is really henderson but also like that's pretty fakeable i would say henderson's pretty cool with that though he's like well i'm glad you guessed right um but the way the the reason that henderson is here right aside from providing with us with some intrigue is to show us that a white dude can kind of go native in Japan, right? So we see his room, which has, it has tatami, it has shoji screens, it also has like a four post of bed in it, and what he says is... Oh, you must excuse this rather odd mixture of styles, but I refuse to go entirely Japanese. And he tells Bond...

I refuse to become a Swedish man who is Italian. What he tells Bond is I have been here 25 years, only just starting to know my way about because, you see, the East is inscrutable.

I guess we should, like like right up at the top here be like if you watch this movie now in 2021 you see a whole bunch of like japanese shit going on right you see a sumo match there's like a japanese traditional wedding later on and what it reads as now is just like oh yes japan but back in the day, I mean, this was 1967. This was barely 22 years after they dropped fucking nukes on this country. You were supposed to read this as like, holy shit, look at how weird and backwards and orientalist this country is. It was supposed to be scary. Every time they ham up being Japanese, to us it just reads as like yes i'm familiar with the country of japan but yeah bond may as well be on fucking chronos as far as people were coming

out of the theater's been like yo did they make up that country or is that real yeah you tell me there's like a whole fucking japan what and part of like what they do in order to make japan scary is shoji walls baby shoji screens because Henderson stands with his back to one and he tells Bond yes I agree totally with the British supposition that this is like the rocket

fall down because of something in Japan and I don't think it's the Soviets I think there's a third force and someone just fucking knifes him through the wall now the walls are I think there's a third force, and someone just fucking knifes him through the wall. Now, Bond... The walls are thin, and it's spooky over there. Bond immediately

dives through that wall, which is cool, chases after the guy, incapacitates the guy, and takes... He snaps his neck! Yeah, he murders Henderson's killer and he decides to go a bit hitman

he takes the guy's coat his hat, his clown ass shoes he's got those black and white brogues some correspondent shoes just some fucking terrible shoes and the guy's face mask yeah he's wearing

there's like a shot where bond's wearing a face mask and i would like that to be the episode no actually i wouldn't there's a better one later but but it's such like a it's very modern yeah funny how these things come around yeah no so it's like oh yeah it's almost like we are being haunted by some kind of ology i don't even think that's an accurate some kind of spooky ghost kind of spooky ghost. So yeah, Bond dives into the back of another henchman's car, pretending to be Clownshoes Guy, and just kind of makes injured Japanese noises while the guy's driving him. So every time he looks back over his shoulder, Bond's just like...

The driver just fully doesn't realise that it's not the same guy, despite Bond being a full foot taller and a different color on a dark street maybe but the henchman takes him to a fully lit office skyscraper and carries him over his shoulder in a lift he doesn't even it's not even over his shoulder he's like princess carrying him right right? He carries him over the fucking threshold. It's like, how would you not notice? This is not the same dude. Into this beautiful office, like Ken Adams' set design fucking owns in this movie.

It's an incredible piece of 60s office. It's got like, oh, fucking wood grain everywhere and shutters, and it's brushed steel. It's fantastic. And then Bond, having gone to all this trouble, immediately blows his cover. And he's going to have to fight the big dude. Right?

They, like, throw each other around the office. Bond tries to kill him with a couch, which he picks up. Yeah, they do some couch jousting, which is very cool. Obviously quite a good fight. It's a good fight. It's a good fight. He ends up killing him with Yeah, they do some couch jousting, which is very cool. Obviously quite a good fight. It's a good fight. Yeah, it's really quite good.

He ends up killing him with a statue that he breaks over his head. And then, in a fantastic piece of professionalism, having committed this murder, he pours himself a triple of Siamese vodka that he finds in the office fridge. And it's just revolted by this it's like this is the worst thing I've ever tasted

but he stuffs this guy in the fridge and makes good his escape and through a sort of convoluted series of events where we're meant to go is this archie lady is she actually working for Spectre or not? He is literally led down a corridor and the floor gives way under him and he is dropped down a chute. It's like the world's most obvious trap.

Yeah. She just like runs away from him and then stands next to a staircase at the end of a corridor, just watches him approach. It's like, the floor is going to fall, my man. The thing that she knows is that Bond cannot resist pussy. He's drawn to it like Gollum to the ring. He falls into this room and there's two screens in it that are playing the footage of Bond falling down. And not like footage passed off as security camera like no film is just being played back on two different

screens showing the same i would love that to own somebody down a slide into a room and then show them a video of the own it's so good he's like yeah and the guy the guy presenting japan's funniest home videos is the the biggest dickest guy in this movie. And this is the way he introduces himself, right? I love this so much. Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Tanaka. Please call me Tiger.

I wish I could pull that. I wish I could fucking go up to one of my friends and be like, yeah, I'm calling myself Tiger now. Because I think that's cool i think we have pretty understanding friends it wouldn't be the weirdest thing we've ever told our friends would it alice i guess every one of us has asked to be referred to by a different name at some point so i guess if i'd known that tiger was an option i might have chosen that yeah right like i settled for a human being's name i should have gone for fucking tiger tiger as a name has great non-binary

energy like that would be really cool tiger tanaka occupies roughly the same role as um kareem bay did in um in from russia with love of being like the guy who is cooler than bond he's like the guy on the inside we don't really get those in modern Bond movies. He's meant to be M's Japanese equivalent, but he's much younger, he's much more personally active. And what he does in this movie, over the next

20 minutes or so, is inculcate Bond into the mysteries of what would now be an alt-right account called Based Japan. There are two modes that Japan can

take in this movie. One is they're weird aliens, and the other is they're based. And so Tanaka takes him home and he has him... He has a pimp train! He has a personal train! He has him train he has a train he has a train he has a train he just fully he has bond bathed by his selection of sexy women oh yeah there's this line where he says uh my

house is yours for the evening and all of my possessions smash cut to four women in their underwear now there's a point we're not we're not in an age of microaggressions here we're in an age of macroaggressions and so the way the way that we have to do misogyny in this movie is not like uh something so subtle as like bond just having contempt for a woman instead no what you get is dialogue like this in japan men always come first women come second i might just retire to here to be fair women coming second is quite progressive for james bond because usually when when we're around him we don't come at all hey there you go now i mean don't don't be under any illusions as to how this how this scene plays out right

because it's so funny that they're like they spend the whole thing being like oh my god japan is so exotic and scary what could happen and they're like don't worry we hate women too and bond's like oh thank god oh all right no you guys objectify women as well this is a point where bond bond like pulls like a fucking your asshole friend in university move where tanaka is on the train and he offers him like, he's like, you know, do you want just like some vodka or something or would you like some sake? And Paul delivers the line, I like sake, especially

when it's served at the correct temperature 98.4 degrees Fahrenheit 0.4 degrees, how would you tell the difference? Shut up dude Tanaka replies, for a european you are exceptionally cultivated which is our way of trying to let bond off the hook yeah yeah yeah for the whole movie and it's quite good incidentally one of the things that tanaka

says when bond is selecting a woman to massage him that's's true. I'll just settle for this little old lady here. Good choice. She's very sexyful. Sure, whatever. I had to go back and check he actually said that. He says very sexyful. I didn't accidentally put in Austin Powers by mistake. No, because they're trying to make this guy seem a little exotic by having him be wrong in English.

And it's like, okay, man. a little exotic by having him be wrong at english and it's like okay man also they they flag up when bond is getting the massage tanaka is like ah you know they're so obsessed with you because of how hairy your chest is in japan we simply don't have that kind of a thing which which comes up later yeah um and and bond replies bond replies Japanese proverbs say bird not make nest in a bald tree yeah that kind of a shit and it's like bro just say

the full Confucius he say if you're gonna do this kind of shit it's so it's so bad now I mean after this we decide I mean, after this, we decide. I mean, Aki finishes his massage, so, like, they have sex. But, like, Bond...

Why? Why? Why is she pushing him? She's a loafer now or something, don't worry. I don't know. She's, like, into him, I guess. They've had no chemistry or something. She just, she swaps with the masseuse and then is just like, and now I will enjoy very much serving under you.

And it's like, why are you fucking him the wikipedia page literally summarizes this part as being like aki is now in love with james bond yeah sure why not why what interactions have they fucking had yeah having developed feelings for each other brackets the pear kiss. Yeah, having been chased down a hallway by her, she's like, man, I want to fucking, like, massage the shit out of this guy. But Bond has to do some espionage, because he

remembers that his job is to spy, and so he walks back into the same office that he broke into and, like, had a fist fight and then a gunfight the night before in the same fucking suit having assumed the name of mr fisher working for empire chemicals to meet mr asato the head of this this evil chemical corporation i'm going to argue with you just a little bit which is that it's not fair to say that bond isn't in any kind of disguise at all

in the previous scene when he was here he was wearing a black suit and a white shirt and this one he's wearing a black shirt a very very pale blue shirt it would be impossible to tell that he's still the same guy yeah so Asato flies his helicopter in we also meet his personal secretary Hilda Brandt spectre number 11 spectre number 11

looking like an absolute smoke show we're saying that now because it's White Boy Summer I guess we're supposed to not say that I betrayed White Boy Summer this is not the hottest that we see her either no I'm going to get very angry about her plan later on

but we'll see it's not great so Asaso just like talks with Bond and Bond is like yes I would like to buy one chemicals, please. And the way that Asato deduces that this guy who looks exactly like James Bond, and who looks exactly like the same guy who broke into the same fucking office the night before is a spy is that he has an x-ray machine built into his desk

that allows him to see the pistol that bond is carrying while he's sitting fully six feet away from him and i'm thinking right if you want to kill bond which you clearly do just fucking leave that on for a half hour and wait, right? He's gonna fucking keel over. You're giving him this much fucking rentgen's worth of radiation exposure. But no, instead what he does is he like, he looks at this x-ray and he says, man, smoking's really terrible for you, which is hysterical if you imagine that, like, that's how bad Bond's lungs are, that a guy who isn't even a radiologist can look at an X-ray of them taken from across a room. Two shriveled beans!

Yo, that's not so good, actually. Mr. Asada is like, you know, are you a particularly risk-taking man? And Bond's like, no, no, no. And Asada's like, you know, I hope you permit me to man and bond's like no no no and asada's like you know i hope you permit me to say this but you you're taking a risk right now and bond's like what do you mean and he's like that's smoking it'll kill you it's very bad for your chest and then hilda just goes like mr asada believes in a healthy chest yeah fully sticking both boobs in his face i choose to believe in fiction that the the secretary just ad-libbed this line to support her guy's completely dipshit sentence.

Just like, I've got to cover for this guy, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Asato is smart enough to kill Bond, but not like while he has him in the office or anything. He's just like, no, as soon as... In fact, this is the first example of what is going to become a recurring theme in the James Bond movies of Bond leaves and leaves a place and the guy's just like, kill him. Kill him yourself. The guy's like, kill him. Right. And so Bond, Bond jumps into Aki's car, which is, uh,, not a convertible. This is converted for Sean Connery. Because he was too tall to fit into any Japanese car of the period.

There is sort of an ongoing bit that they don't play as a joke, it's played very straight, but he just has to duck every time he goes through a door. As soon as he becomes Japanese, he just starts stooping. Oh, God. He just develops a really bad case of scoliosis it's not great no this is a classic henchman car situation as well but we we get some we get some more base japan right because the henchmen are chasing him in the henchman car which is you know like fucking black toyota with the yellow headlights leaning out of the window, trying to shoot him with a pistol.

And Aki gets on the radio to Tiger Tanaka, and Tiger Tanaka's like, oh yeah, because this is a country that's a sort of benevolent dictatorship for spies, I'll simply take care of this by getting a helicopter to fly over the henchman's car, pick it up with an electromagnet, drop it in Tokyo Bay, and then go, hey, how's that for Japanese efficiency? No one notices this, I guess. No one's like, yeah, what?

Everybody's like, yeah, that's the Secret Service murdering four dudes, I guess. Nanaka's like, how's that for Japanese efficiency? And Bond replies replies just a drop in the ocean i'm like neither what neither of these lines make sense this is a chinese room you're not even speaking to each other at this point how is that for japanese efficiency you picked it up with an electromagnet and flew it out to sea yeah man that wasn't actually very efficient at all with anything and then just a drop in the ocean is not a reply to

the previous sentence even it's just like he's saying things they're just talking at each other we're just we're just fucking around we're 45 minutes into this movie at this point they're doing the oss 70 set thing where they just say random proverbs at each other and then decide to move on like you should let a baby cry otherwise bedtime becomes too ritualized. They're just speaking and it's like, are you good? So Bond and Aki sneak

onto the docks in Kobe where there is a freighter carrying liquid oxygen to an island off the coast of Japan and they deduce, oh this is for some rocketry shit. Unfortunately, Bond gets ambushed by like 50 dock workers. There's quite a long fight scene,

which has some like nice aerial shots of like all of these dudes chasing Bond over a roof. An extremely good shot on the rooftop, where it's just slowly flying outwards and he's just fighting more and more guys like throwing bamboo poles at guys and stuff quite good yeah like i'm gonna put a marker down here actually which is to say that i i don't know if it was just the frame of mind right but i enjoyed watching this film and this is i suspect the film that i'm going to enjoy the most until we get

to the living daylights I'm willing to write off all of the Roger Moore era yeah I enjoyed watching the first half but soon it is going to go off the rails and we are going to enter a completely different film which was apparently made on Mars

well first first bond has to get captured because like it's not a bond movie if he doesn't escapes all of these dockworkers he jumps off the roof twice just assumes he's fine and begins to slowly walk away and then immediately gets knocked the fuck out by a guy who is hiding around the corner like cool man yeah there's also some of the dock workers just wearing like crop tops as well because they're all wearing like slightly ruined clothing to imply that they're poor I guess

but there's one of them who's just like fully cut his shirt the entire way across the belly and it looks great on him yeah Helga gets to do some femdom on Bond here's a scene can I set the scene

so James Bond wakes up tied to a chair first of all love it second of all he's in the room with like two dock workers who are just dressed as dock workers and Helga who has changed costume Helga Helga is wearing a black sequined dress with a sheer capelet that has only

one sleeve and like this is this is my kind of outfit i love a sequin i love a sheer sleeve i love asymmetry i love a capelet she is looking fucking gorgeous the fem top energy why the fuck she is wearing this i do not know but it's very important that she's wearing this dress, because it's about to come up again in a second. Anyway, she tries to interrogate him. This is my torture outfit, right? And so I'm gonna torture this guy, James Bond, by

vaguely threatening him with a plastic surgery knife. A dermatature, I think it's called. Which is a very nasty looking sort of curved scalpel and Bond flawlessly plays this off, he's like

yeah I'm a spy but I'm not the kind of spy you think I am, I'm the industrial espionage kind of spy and if you go in with me on stealing this chemical process that I have discovered. I will cut you in.

And she's like, yeah, all right, fine. Also, I now want to have sex with you because like, I'm very horny about tying dudes to a chair. Yeah.

She lets him go. They stand up, they kiss and Bond uses the knife to cut her out of the dress. And I would be furious if a man did that to me in that dress. I would be like, what the fuck do you think you are doing? This is a fucking sequined dress with an asymmetrical sheer cape. You absolute fuck. How dare you just vandalize that dress?

It's like, I'm like fucking hell, I'm not! How dare you just vandalise that dress! It's like, I'm like, fucking hell, I'm not having sex with you now! This is the problem of having dominatrix energy but not enough, is that as soon as you let the guy out of the chair, he just cuts up your dress like an asshole. Yeah, he suddenly thinks he's on top again and it's like, wait, wait, wait,

hang on, you've misunderstood this. Waste of a joke after she's done pegging bond we cut to them making making good their escape right in a small plane and she pulls a really baller move on him

right she's flying the plane he's in the back and he's like trying to hype himself up he's like you know when you're in tokyo you're gonna need protection you we need our best man me that's literally what he says he's that much of a piece of shit and she's like yeah okay i'm done listening to you i'm gonna murder you now and the way she does this is jamming the plane into a dive sticking a kind of extending table over his arm so he can't move and parachuting out and she and she damn near nearly gets him right now to me this this reads as if this was her

intention right so this is specter number 11 i don't know how you get to that point i don't know if you start off very low down and you have to work your way up, but we can assume that she's like had plans before. Spectre 11's plan, as I can figure it out, is this. Instead of killing Bond with a gun or something, when she has him tied to a chair and completely unable to escape, she pretends to be seduced by him, lets him go, fucks him. She just wanted to peg him.

They get into an aircraft together nominally to escape from japan she pins his hands down in the single most laughable manner physically possible like he's not it's like it's a tray table over his elbows down a tray table over him yeah and then crashes the aircraft bond escapes this easily and as far as i'm aware this is the single worst plan anyone inspector has ever had ever since number one killed cronstein the quality of plans in this organization the funniest thing is right like he pulls the plane up out of the dive and like crash lands it she's still parachuting she's gonna come down somewhere but for the meantime after him after him she's just there like watching it's like oh piss

i just wrote down this is a fuck if this is an advanced plan to kill him it's the worst i've ever seen she's gonna get blowfelded a hundred percent the recurring theme throughout this video is shoot throughout this film is surely there would have been an easier way to do this everyone is just so extra in everything they do and and it's like, please just shoot him with a gun. It's the same with Tiger Tanaka in this slide, it's like, if you wanted to meet him, you could have just met him, like, there's no need to do this. No, I had to, like, own him by going through this very convoluted plan. So, Bond escapes this easily, and he gets Q to bring him his gadgets, and like, this is a fascinating moment

where he meets Q. You remember what he says to Q? He says this. Welcome to Japan, Dad. Is my little girl hot and ready? Fucking excuse me? It is... it's insane. How's it going, Daddy? Because he readies Tanaka earlier on and is like, can you get, like, the M to green Little Nelly and her father, which is some sort of a helicopter, and her father is Q, the guy who invented it.

So he calls him Dad in that scene as part of the ongoing joke, but it's very interesting to me. I like to think that in-universe that was an accident, like when you accidentally call the teacher mum and Q's just like he plays it off well though what's happened to us all Q's just like what is he just calling me nothing

so Bond you've been spending too much time with Captain Henderson James but Bond takes his hot and ready auto gyro to go and explore this island where they think the rockets are coming from first of all tanaka tells him like well that's a gay helicopter for women bond yeah this is a toy you should take my helicopter that's a little it's a little shit helicopter for pussies it's a toy for children and women idiot what did captain hend Henderson land you that helicopter?

He's a friend of Captain Henderson. There is a helicopter auto-gyro dogfight, which is very fun. So this is an extremely long scene. They introduce little Nelly. Every single gadget attached to the plane, the auto-gyro, my apologies, is pointed out, attached to the plane the the auto gyro my apologies is pointed out including two missiles on the front which q inexplicably describes as firing 60 a second when there are two attached to the plane um they point out every single gadget and then bond is attacked by several henchmen helicopters uses each gadget in turn in out. The same footage of a helicopter exploding is used three times and then

that's set up and pay off. The helicopter is never seen again in the movie. It's just one long scene where they're like, this is what it can do and then it does it and they're like, right. This is cool. The wild thing is that Bond is taking a helicopter to fly around the islands to have a look and see

if Spectre are there. He doesn't see anything, and he's on his way home when he's attacked, which means that if Spectre had just let him go, he would have stopped investigating them. Yeah, he would have moved on to somewhere else. Idiots. Just leave it. Just leave it. Again, surely there would have been an easier way to do this.

Again, it's one of those things where it's like, if you just had done something other than this your plan would have worked perfectly this is what you get for getting rid of Cronstein anything else and we get a scene

where a bunch of Russian guys launch their rocket into space and what they're launching is an American made Gemini series rocket from a location

that has palm trees so I can only assume this is footage from fucking Cape Canaveral in Florida. This rocket is also stolen. It is vored. It is easily carjacked. It's taken inside the big thing, which glomps it and sucks it back down

into a fucking legitimate volcano base. Yes, this is the point at which the film has crossed an invisible line and is now being made by Martians. Because the craft captures the Russian rocket and then the craft lands vertically. It doesn't parachute down. It lands. It's a fully recyclable spacecraft.

It's a fucking VTOL spaceship, my man. Shit that SpaceX cannot do. Into a volcano base with colour-coordinated henchmen jumpsuits. I love the design of the volcano base so much. Oh, the volcano base is phenomenal. It is a feast for the eyes like ken adam is like he sets the bar for every subsequent bond movie with this which is we have a volcano layer it's got guys in color coordinated jumpsuits running around it's got a big world map up against

one wall it's got a guy who says everything twice which is what you need for a lair, is a guy who says, open the blast doors, open the blast doors. Like, they're just dead man's shoes-ing their way into having the shittiest organization possible. His only job, if you watch the movie you will notice this, his only job is to say everything twice. Close the shutters. He's a very famous actor. He's Burt Kwok. He was in the Pink Panther series, he's a very, very famous actor. He's Burt Kwok. He was in the Pink Panther series. He's a very, very notable actor. You're completely wasted.

Spectres 4 and 5 are both in this. They are not referred to by name. They are simply credited as Spectres 4 and 5. And their jobs is to do insanely basic management. Open the crater. Open the crater. Then there's another... Everything twice.

Also, right, this is yet another instance of Spectre having a plan that costs an infinite amount of money to pull off, and they're asking for like $100 million maximum every single time. Do you want the drop for that? Yeah, please, please. I want the sum of $100 million dollars in gold, Bullion. Because Blofeld is negotiating- They went back to gold. Yeah, number one, Spectre number one, the guy who we have only ever seen in

shadow this whole time, is personally taking care of this. And what he's doing is he's negotiating with- We finally make it explicit after, you know, three or four movies of hinting at this, that the power behind Spectre, the third force that they're playing off against the two superpowers, it's China. It's the People's Republic of China. It's the damn Chai-Coms.

And what they're doing is they're like, yeah, no, once America russia annihilate each other with nuclear weapons then uh question mark china time then then it's china time baby and like yeah it's like 100 million is really not that much money if you're if you've developed a fucking vertical takeoff and landing spacecraft in 1967 i mean like blowfeld's blowfeld is a pimp though right because he says i want the 100 million dollars in gold and the chinese guys are like wait a second that's that's not in our highly illegal contract that we signed that's extortion and he says extortion is my business get the fuck out of my office i mean it's a little yeah i mean it's in it's in the name it's one of the e's extortion

yeah he also takes a little bit of time to throw number 11 into a tank full of piranhas and killer r.i.p yeah she's he does the fake out again He can't not do the fake out! He brings Osato and Number 11 in, and he's like, this is the price for failure, and Osato's thinking, ah, fuck, it's gonna be me, he's gonna kill me, he's gonna feed me to those piranhas, and it's not! It's fucking Number 11, and he's, like, he threatens Osato and he tells him... Kill Bond! Now! Yeah, that's a pretty fucking simple brief it's like the script was printed across two pages like the bottom of the page said kill bond and then he turned this

now kill bond two points to make here in this scene hey i guess they just couldn't do a shark tank twice in a row so they were like what's the next best thing? Piranha tank. Second thing, they take Osato and Spectre 11 here. Spectre 11! Into this ship. And they go, you know what kind of gun this is? And they bring out the printout of the fucking x-ray

that Osato is looking at. And Osato with the pleasedest face in the world goes, what's a PPK? Smiles like he like fucking nailed that one that one absolutely great first like one man on planet earth uses this gun they made like several hundred thousand people using it in this movie if you look at the guns in people's hands but he goes like one man on the face of planet Earth has ever used this gun. James fucking Bond.

And Spectre 11 says, Bond is dead. It was in all the newspapers. And if you recall, the newspaper had a photograph of this motherfucker's face. You met him. You met him. You met him. The size of the front page of the newspaper. You talked about the size of your

boobs to the guy who has the same face. You had sex with this man. How did you not see that it's him? You confirmed that you have seen the newspaper that has a photograph of this man's face.

He has come into your office twice wearing no kind of disguise. You have had sex with him. You have begged him. You tried to kill him. And you've gone like, fuck, was that James? Wait, wait, shit.

Was that James Bond? Which is, I guess that's the counter she fucking deserved the piranhas which i guess is the counter to your point from from russia with love abby which is the yeah everyone knows what he looks like but they're the dumbest people on planet earth so it doesn't actually matter it's just very unfortunate for Spectre number 11 that she has face blindness. All right. Now we're getting into the real meat of the movie. Let's go, baby.

The real meat of the movie. Step one. Now, what's the plan for me? First, you become a Japanese. Yes. You train hard and quickly to become a ninja like us. Yeah. And third, to give you extra special cover, you take

a wife. Extra special cover. He also, right at the start of that scene, delivers the line, bad news from outer space. Disturbing news from outer space, Bond. Yeah. We see Tanaka's ninja

training school, which is... Yeah, okay, fine. It's got dudes doing kendo. It's got dudes doing, like, backflips over each other. It's got guys fucking around with katanas. It's also... Sean Connery says the word ninja, which is fucking hilarious. Like, zooms on his face as he says it as well. Ninja.

Ninja. Now... Oh, Christ. Hilarious. Like, zooms on his face as he shows it as well. Ninja! Ninja. Ninja. Now, the other thing about Tanaka's ninja training school is that it is laughably easy to infiltrate, and so in the course of training to become a ninja, Bond is exposed to two assassination attempts. He's sparring with a guy and the guy tries to kill him with a knife, and after Bond kills him, Tanaka's like, huh, nobody knew this guy.

Weird. Oh, well, time to do nothing. Fine. Whatever. Guys keep showing up to kill him, and he somehow, like, no one involved genuinely seems to think that his cover's blown. They're all just like, alright, let's do the wedding bit now, let's go. He and Arki are sleeping together.

They're still committing to the bit! And a guy... It's like... They know... Sorry, carry on, I'm losing my mind. A guy tries to poison Bond by, like, dripping poison down a string from the rafters into his mouth mouth but he misses Aki fucking swallows the poison

and is killed surprisingly we see in this scene whilst Bond and Aki are sleeping that Bond cuddles the women he sleeps next to which I was very surprised at that also Bond becomes Japanified I was going to say yeah let's cover step one

step one you become a Japanese. He becomes, the way in which he becomes a Japanese, right, is not like, he doesn't like learn anything. No, no, no. It's not metaphorical, no. What they do is they put him in a... They put him in like the face-off operation theatre. A jadesic dome full of Japanese women.

Right. In their underwear. Where they will shave off all of his body hair, give him a wig, which I don't think Sean Connery needed. He already had one of those. And apply...

I'm not even sure what to call these, right? They're not implants, because they're not permanent. They're just kind of putty, almost. It's the same stuff that you would use for like star trek to make like forehead ridges it's the same thing they used for dr no yeah it's like it's it's silly putty that they apply to the insides of his uh of his like eyebrows to try and give him the appearance of epicanthic folds and this shit do not work it looks and they also paint

him yellow and they paint him yellow they also like don't shave his body hair either they just like claim they do but they don't which is very strange yeah and then there's a there's a scene of him later on where he's fully shirtless and he's the hairiest motherfucker i've ever seen in my life which is something tanaka had flagged up earlier as something that sets it apart from Japanese people. Yeah, and so you have to get married. Step three, you have to get married.

You have to get married to a beautiful Japanese girl called Kisisezuki. Fuck me. Who is not named in the film. She is only named in the credits. Nope. So we have killed Aki and replaced her with another Asian woman who is not named, who spends the majority of her screen time in her underwear. Yeah.

Pointless. Pointless. So much of her scenes are just like, oh, fuck, we killed Aki, didn't we? We need something. It's like they did a find all replace all after this point um so they infiltrate the island together as husband and wife with bond stooped over wearing the sort of like rice patty hat and um also speaking japanese like this he's not undercover he's not even doing the voice they also keep showing if you look in the

background of any of the scenes where he's trying to become japanese there are just people clocking him the entire time like everyone in the background is just watching as he walks past he's like genuinely sean connery was six foot two he's not managing this it's a problem transgender Motherfucking Transgender Day of Visibility in Japan. And so... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But Bond

deduces the location of Blofeld's base, right? And the clock is ticking down. The Americans are going to launch a rocket, and they have warned the Soviets, if shit happens to this rocket, we're going nuclear, right? And so Bond dresses up as a ninja

and applies suction cups to his knees and hands and you better believe he shimmies down into that volcano i'm gonna pull us back very slightly but it's just because it's important to talk about for the the characterization of bond right they bond bond and his wife kissy who they are married they showed a full Japanese wedding ceremony, which looks fine and normal here now, but obviously back in the day you were supposed to be like, wow, this is crazy. Whoa.

But they're in a house on the island. Bond is eating oysters with chopsticks, right? And he is desperately trying to fuck her. She's going like, all right, that's your bed over there. I'm going to sleep on this one. He's like, well, we're husband and wife. Surely we should share a bed. And she's like, no, no.

Keep up appearances. No, no, no, no, no, no. And he's like, come on, come on, come on. And it cuts to a nighttime scene, and she's asleep, and he is perfectly awake and is just watching her. Nont. Nont shit. Nont shit. At which point Tanaka shows up and goes,

oh, the American's going to launch the rocket, and then they do a thing. There's also a back-projected scene on a boat, and it's the most egregious thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. They didn't even make an attempt to match the lighting temperature, so there's just a video of a nice Japanese bay with with some fishermen and then kissy Suzuki in the foreground. The sun is just coming up. So it's a very orange lighting and she is lit in perfect white.

Yeah. Even slightly blue. It's, it's very bad. But anyway, back, back to, back to where I left you.

Infiltrating, infiltrating the volcano base, uh, which is fucking great, right? Because it's got henchmen in color-coordinated uniforms. It's got the jankiest monorail you've ever seen in your life that looks quite futuristic and stills, but the second you see it in motion, you realize that some poor technicians at Pinewood Studios had to build a monorail.

And so every time this thing moves, which it does a lot, Bond sneaks around on it, it just goes... And you can see it wobbling. Yeah, 100%. Bond finds the missing astronauts,

liberates the missing astronauts, and once again does some hitman shit. He like has them, not any of the guys who are like actual astronauts, just him, a guy, decide to put on the space suit and infiltrate the rocket launch. He tries to be the first rapist in space,

but what's his plan here? He has no idea. He just wants to go into space. He's space which i'm not going to miss this opportunity like he has a room full of four astronauts oh my god i hadn't realized that yeah he liberates four astronauts and then decides that he is going to be the guy who takes the spectra astronauts place and as a result of this makes a basic error and gets his cover blown instantly yeah he's immediately captured blowfield is watching yet again if you'd done any single other thing how well this could have gone well it's not clear when but he's

swapped back to his normal hairpiece he's taking his yellow face off now sure yeah it's watched out is watching and blowfield just goes stop that astronaut, which is an extremely funny line. And the guy who says everything twice is like, stop that astronaut, stop that astronaut. He's actually got a speech impediment. It's bad to make fun of him.

Bond is taken before Blofeld, who gets to introduce himself, and it's fucking Donald Pleasence. We see him. We see his face. Looking amazing. We hear his voice. Sounds like this.

James Bond, allow me to introduce myself. I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Cool, right? Bossing it, 100%. He's got the big wingback sort of armchair the whole time uh it's it's great right he's wearing the gray narrow jacket it's all tremendously you know aesthetic and inventive like just it's just like close your eyes imagine blofeld you know what he looks like yeah it's running the cultural milieu for this whole time the look the look i can understand

because the look is like oh he's kind of kind of sinister. But I've got to ask what the fuck is Donald Pleasance doing in this film? What is this performance? Like why? So Blofeld is, he's not portrayed as being intimidating. He's about a foot and a half shorter than Bond.

He's petting a white Persian cat the whole time. They take care to show us that. He's not just petting it, he's petting it very nervously and quickly. And he's actually behaving like a cat himself. He's very sort of like anxious and flitty and capricious. He's not at all intimidating. It's a really fucking weird performance. And I don't know what the fuck he thinks he's doing.

If I was behind the camera, I'd be like, yo, Donald, like, what are you doing, man? Like, you're supposed to be the villain. There's a reason it's persisted this long three movies we have been building you up as the most terrifying thing ever and you're just showing up and being like uh mr bond please don't hurt me yeah he's just like a fucking he's a fucking cuck he's a nerd also um so okay the americans have launched their rocket right and the footage of that I am fucking almost certain

that that's a Russian R3 rocket they showed launching which is like did they just like mix up the footage from the Russian just to fuck with you Dev yeah I was there like that's not hang on now I mean Blofeld is gonna set another precedent

of explain your plan to Bond, who is unrestrained in front of you in plenty of time for him to prevent it. So he's like, yeah, no, watch what's going to happen. You can watch it on the TV monitors here. The thing is going to eat the spaceship, and then the Americans are going to nuke the Soviets. And Bond flawlessly

plays off, well, if I'm going to have to watch television, can I have a cigarette? Knowing that he has been given at the ninja training school an exploding cigarette gun. First lesson of ninja, baby,

exploding cigarette gun. And Blofeld is like too chivalrous. He's like, yeah, fine, give him his cigarettes. He's too much of a spineless cuck. He's like, oh, yeah, sure. Please don't shut me in a locker. Just don't tell my mum

that we've been smoking. He gives him the cigarettes. Reverbing as if he was in a locker. And Bond is now armed. He's armed with a gun that we know fires up to

30 yards and the thing that it hits fucking explodes. He has a free shot on literally anyone. In a room with a bunch of guys with guns. Could shoot them. could take their gun. Nope. Could shoot Blofeld.

At that point, it's pretty much over. Could shoot the guy at the control panel that's gonna do the thing. Instead, he finds the one guy in there, literally a red shirt, the only guy in there wearing a red jumpsuit, whose only job is to open and close the big door in the crater that the rocket comes out of and has already left and he shoots that guy he shoots that guy and gets immediately overpowered imagine held at gunpoint situation where he had done any single thing else shoot blowfeld now the way this is described in the script is bond helps tanaka's army enter blowfeld's place he doesn't do shit tanaka is leading his army of

ninjas to like repel down the crater but they have like grenades and shit they couldn't blow their way in anyway so that's what you use the cigarette for there's a bit where because of specter being specter and i'll just kill anyone as soon as they're done blofeld's like all right as soon as these guys capture that rocket just fucking blow it up and he's got a big guy called hands and he he literally says to hands super hands here's the key and then he points at the dead and bon's there the key. And then he points at the desk. And Bond's there. Bond is stood there. And he points at this and he goes, this is the exploder button.

What? The exploder button. And I just wrote down, Hans, you'll need to use this key and that button to explode the rocket. Hans, Hans, listen. Listen closely. You must take this key that I have given you. It is in your front lapel pocket remember this you must put it in hands my mother's maiden name was blowfeld

this is my pin number if you need to log on to my online bank it's so fucking off also the specter rocket has like ussr and the red star on it yeah yeah yeah because like i assume there's there's they think there's going to be cameras in space just to make it really clear because we are somehow watching this happen oh yeah that's right and it's like where's this where's the speed coming from and they just don't care they're not explaining this yeah so massive massive gunfight between the various ninjas and the various color-coded goons. The ninjas all have gyrojet weapons, which was an interesting experiment in making rocket-propelled ammunition. The manufacturer...

I don't think we worked that up at all, either. This is real? This was real! The manufacturer paid for the product placement and the reason why none of these were ever adopted by anyone in real life is because the initial velocity of a rocket propelled bullet is so low that you can defeat one of these by putting your thumb over the end of the barrel it's not great that is 100 true on god that is the explosions are a little bit like larger than they would be but like these weapons are real in the same way that the the fucking jet pack was real from the last one but also but why would you have rocket powered bullets

because they're ninjas abby they'rejas. They can't just have a gun. That'd be ridiculous. They have, okay, also, they've got like smoke grenades and fucking... If they're ninjas, why are they using guns? They've got smoke grenades.

They should be using knives and shit. They've got shurikens. And then, this is actually mentioned when Tanaka, Tanaka shows Bond all of the like, guys doing like ninja shit.

Kendo, they've got swords, they throw in shurikens, and then he's like, check out these modern ninjas. And they go inside and they've got grenades and guns. So it's set up that these guys have guns. And there's one guy, there's one ninja who has a sword.

Every single fucking other guy has a gun. Every henchman on every team has a gun, except there's one guy who has a sword, every single fucking other guy has a gun. Every henchman on every team has a gun, except there's one guy who has a sword, and he's going completely beast mode. He's like cleaning house entirely. It's like Genji. It is cool, it is very cool, I like that guy. So, as the ninja attempt to break into the control room, Blofeld moves Bond.

Also, incidentally, you clipped this, Dev, before we even recorded this. The cat is going fucking apeshit at this point. He's so desperately trying to escape as the explosions go off. He's clawing the shit out of Donald Pleasance's arm, and he's maintaining character this whole time. He's holding this cat with like and the cat is just fucking going oh my god when this episode goes live i'll retweet that post so you can see yeah because it's it's horrendous guys so desperately trying to see it also it took

the crew a couple of days to coax it out of the set because it was so scared by the explosion yeah it's this is again before they invented like animal cruelty laws on set so they were just like gripping this fucking cat with an iron grasp i thought it was like lower shutters right and they just close like these slight metal guy who says everything twice there's lower shutters lower shutters with the shutters closed mr bond this room is impregnable and it gets immediately impregnated just it's eminently pregnant so easily yeah blowfield really does he also says he also says oh we will we will capture the uh the american craft nothing can stop that now except of course the exploder button which i just told you about

hands and which you've got that key right hands? Hans, Hans, my loyal friend. Giving Hans a big thumbs up at this point. You've got that key? That key I gave you? You're gonna need it to explode the rocket. So Bond escapes because Blofeld cannot help himself from doing the fake out. Oh my god. Blofeld is pointing a gun at James Bond. He's telling Osato, who is stood next to Bond, this is the price for failure, and he takes the gun off of Bond,

and shoots Osato with it, and Bond escapes. Like a fucking moron. You could have killed Osato at any time, including directly after that. You can shoot a gun twice. You had to waste your first shot on the guy because you needed to do the fake out. What actually happens is

he shoots Asato and then Blofeld runs again, still with Bond at gunpoint and sits in the monorail thing and then he points the gun at Bond and says, and now goodbye, Mr. Bond, and is about to shoot him. And then he gets hit with a ninja star

and drops the gun and rides the monorail away. So he shoots a start-o, leaves the scene with Bond to go somewhere else to kill Bond, and then decides to kill him. And it's like, kill them both at the same time, man! He just really had a pressing need to ride a monorail today.

Literally, if you're ever, and this is monorail today literally if if you're ever and this is that straight to your audience if you're ever near anyone inspector and they are clearly about to kill you just don't even worry they're just gonna shoot someone else nearby there is no danger that you're in also when the shuriken when the shuriken hits low feld's gun it goes off in his hand, and then it drops to the ground and goes off again when it hits the ground. And I'm just like, hang on. What is the trigger pull on that? It's a revolver as well.

To be clear, it's a revolver. You would have to have cocked it again. A double action trigger pull of fucking nothing. Hammer back. Now, Bond fights Super Hans, this is his second fight in this movie, which is just, the other guy's just big guy. He successfully retrieves the exploder key from the exploder pocket and Blofeld's pin number and all of this. He throws Hans into the piranhas. Now, this is funny to me.

Bond says, Bon Appetit, right? As Hans is thrashing around. Bond has never indicated that he has previously been aware that there are piranhas there. You can't see them, it just looks like regular water it's not even visible that the guy's getting eaten he's just like the guy into a swimming pool and gone on appetit like a smug arsehole look he's he's come here straight after meeting um emilio largo i'm pretty sure he's just assuming that if there's water in someone's base there's

gonna be something yeah that's a Yeah, that's a fair point. He's just guessing that it'll eat him instead of poisoning him or some shit. Yeah, it's not like Blofeld put up a sign. No. Beware piranhas. He uses the exploder key and explodes the spacecraft at the last minute.

And the Americans, who we've been following at fucking DEFCON 2 this whole time, like, the second we see anyone try to fuck with the spacecraft, we're going to a nuclear war, have seen this spacecraft come up to theirs, open up its big fucking jaws, and then explode. And are just like, well, back to normal, boys. Quentin time.

We're fine. Let's go. Codeword is not imminent, is imminent is what the guy the president delivers his lines directly to the camera and it has ussr written on the side of it yep and it just blows up well this is fine this is fine also there's a point during the fight where bond throws a shuriken into someone's chest which kills them instantly and like a shuriken has like maybe an inch of penetration it's fine like stabbing someone with an extremely small knife and the guy just dies like yeah all right blowfeld blowfeld activates the sort of doctor no protocol of i have this thing that i keep here on my base that can just destroy it instantly with a series of explosions at any time.

I wouldn't have one of those. It's a good thing that the key that he uses to activate that, he doesn't tell Bond about that. He tells Bond about the exploder key, but not about the base exploder key. Because that would have made this a much shorter movie. You've got to have a second. Blofeld explodes the base, escapes. We're going gonna see him again rides the monorail out

the janky ass monorail to safety while Bond and the others swim for it the cat disappears the cat will be back Blofeld cat will return in and once again for the fucking umpteenth time we end up with bond and

the love interest at sea in a life raft being like oh we're gonna we're going to make sex now but this time they subvert it they have the submarine from earlier surface underneath them and money penny gets to go cock block him which is like it would be a pleasure and that's the movie james bond will return in on her majesty's secret service because and Moneypenny gets to go cockblock him. Which is like, it would be a pleasure. And that's the movie! James Bond will return in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, because Sean Connery doesn't want to do it anymore. Maybe. Until he gets jealous.

It's another guy! We have detected a new guy, because Sean Connery felt like he was forced out of it by what we would now call the paparazzi. He wanted more privacy to do Sean Connery felt like he was forced out of it by what we would now call the paparazzi. He wanted more privacy to do Sean Connery things. Really? Spousal abuse, yeah. No, he was genuinely like, no, I felt like I was living in a fishbowl. And it was driving me insane to play this character.

I want to spend some more time with my brother, Neil. He's been making some questionable decisions lately. Yeah, going back to plastering. I mean, I said this on the OK Connery episode, but the directors of that movie did offer Neil to replace Sean when he signalled he was going to quit at the end of this movie. And Eon decided not to pursue that route, which is a shame. Haunted again.

We will talk about the next guy in two weeks' time. In the meantime, we have a science-based system on this podcast. An evidence-based, biologically factual system to determine. No pussy clock in this. I've called it the pussy clock shit. I said i wasn't going to call it the fucking pussy clock because it's supposed to be like a bad thing if this is low but also well he does i mean we could we could have timed we could have timed aki but i don't think it would have been the Times New Girl thing. Sure, but we could have also timed Honey Rider. He's introduced having sex with a woman. Like, you fully...

It's 0.0. Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls? Ugh. Ugh. Abby, tell them about the scientific-based metrics. Well, we rate Bond films on a SCUMM system for smarm, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny, and we rate each one out of 007.

So what do we think in terms of SMAM? I'm thinking it's not the highest, but it's pretty high. It's up there. It's up there. Yeah. I think the defining SMAM thing is going to be... Instant Japanese. You may need it.

You forget I took a first in oriental languages at cambridge and then never uses no never never never speaks japanese i i think it's got to be like a five out of seven you forget i did ancient greek i'm happy with a five dev five yeah I reckon a 5 is perfectly possible Cultural insensitivity Cultural insensitivity Cultural insensitivity Why do Chinese girls taste different From all other girls

It's like 9 This is We haven't hammed up the racism that much But this is one of the most racist I forgot to mention this But when he meets Asato in his office Asato fully says the words ah so twice

he's like okay in that scene Bond is describing why he's suddenly there instead of the previous head of the company and he goes oh yeah no the last guy fell into like a pulverizer or some shit and Asato goes ah an honourable death and it's like huh you just know that these guys know that he died like a chemical

samurai fine falling into a ball oh my god that's such a good phrase god that's my band chemical samurai it's very unfortunate so um eight out of eight out of seven for cultural insensitivity if anyone wants to write us a fan song called Chemical Samurai, now would be the time. Please and thank you. Chemical Samurai. Yeah, 8. 8.

8 out of 7. Unprovoked violence. I want to say relatively low, right? Unprovoked violence as a metric is sort of in preparation for the later Bonds, the earlier one doesn't really do that much. He does shoot some of the dock workers who are quite clearly unarmed. Yeah, although they are trying to goon his ass.

That to me seems like a fair-ish escalation. Yeah, I think the thing is, right, this is... this movie is pitched at just about the right level for me, right? That's why I say that it's the only Bond movie I'm going to enjoy until we get into Dork. Unbelievably racist. Yeah, because I too am unbelievably racist. No, it's because it's not as camp as, say, any of the Moore movies or the Brosnan movies, but it's a bit more heading towards that kind of supervillainy so you don't have the either like relentless grimdark of of daniel craig or the

sort of naked brutality of the earlier conneries um he's not as much of an absolute danger in this one and he has some like relatively charming moments i think but i think it's going to be relatively low on the unprovoked unprovoked violence i think there's no point in this movie where bond genuinely does feel like he's in peril like even when he's face to face with the villain he he is just like he's not even like handcuffed or tied up or anything he's just like there yeah like he's not His body language isn't scared, because how would you be scared? Donald Plants is a foot short of a new, and he's

deliberately acting in a way that is unthreatening. And it's like, unpromised is quite low. Now, misogyny. Um, well. Eight. It's gotta be eight. Why do Chinese girls taste different from all other girls? I would maybe hold off doing two eights in one.

I'd say this is a six or seven. I'm willing to go with you on that. Really? I'm happy to do seven. I think it's gotta be at least seven, because the line about I will enjoy serving under you, the fact that they kill off Aki and then replace her with another woman who isn't

even named she's just like there oh the fucking in japan men come first thing yeah no none of right okay none of that is bond's misogyny all of that are lines that are said by other people or decisions made by the directors of this film why do chinese girls taste different from all other girls but all of that and i'm not arguing in favour of misogyny. I'm just saying that there is a difference between the misogyny that Bond displays during this and the ones that are displayed by every single other character. As like foreign and exotic and Japanese. The scriptwriters, the directors, that kind of a thing.

The movie itself is more misogynistic than Bond is. But Bond does do that like, oh, I might retire here as soon as he finds out that women are not human in Japan too, so I'm going for 7. I don't know if 8 is... I think you've sold me on this. I'll go 7 too. Alright then. So that gives us a total score of...

somebody better at maths than me. I'd better double check my figures, but I think that we are on 20... I think that we are on 20... I think that we are on 22, which means that it is not the worst. It is the second worst. Goldfinger is still winning by one point.

Hell... I mean, you're gonna... Yes. You'll have to try hard to top. You're gonna... That's a... Yeah, I... I never have to try hard to top.

Mr. Mark. Are you trying to bring that bottom back in one piece, 007? reason why we yeah i we should have to try hard to top i am sitting here in a black sequined dress with a sheer capelet do try and complete nofap november this time mond no i i i feel like we could have given goldfinger a fucking 9. I think Goldfinger actually could have gone higher, sure. But I'm happy with 22. 22. Yeah, and genuinely, I enjoyed watching this movie. Somebody update the wiki. Maybe it's because I am racist. Maybe it's because I was just in a sort of happier frame of mind.

Maybe it's because it doesn't have a 20-minute scuba diving sequence. But for a two-hour movie, this one sort of, it's because it doesn't have a 20 minute scuba diving sequence but um for a two-hour movie this one sort of it's pacey it carries itself relatively well i think final consideration that we must take into account cronstein rosette who do you believe is worthy of the award for side character that has really shown themselves to be essential to the movie. Now, I don't want to say Irma Brandt because her plan is so stupid. If you say Spectre 11, I'm going to top my top completely. I'm going to lose my mind.

I want her to peg me. I'm afraid that's all there is to it. That's my sole consideration. Does it have to be a villain or is it just a side character? No, side character. Yeah, side character. Well, in that case, it's Tiger Tanaka. If it it just a side character? No, side character. Yeah, side character. Well, in that case, Tiger Tanaka. If it's just a side character, it's got to be Tanaka.

100%. There you go. My friends call me Tiger. It's based. It's based as hell. Well. Well, thank you very much for joining us. What should we be doing next time?

As they say in Japan. Next time, we will be doing a fucking Q& a is what we will be doing for patrons only so if you are subscribed to us on patreon which you should be i believe your eyes only that's right i believe by the time this comes out we will have already recorded that so don't ask us any questions if you're hearing this but be ready for it to come out yeah um yeah should have been quicker i guess or be ready to ask us questions for the next Q&A that we do because we're going to do them every like

every so often something like that I don't want to commit to that it's a nice idea well our next bonus episode will be something our next main episode will be on Her Majesty's Secret Service where we will be finally rid of the

curse of Sean Connery never to be seen again in the Bond franchise I assume forever, I haven't looked I will be saying the word never again in conclusion I have only this to say Kill Bond! Now!

Now! Kill Bond! Now! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! If that is simply too long to wait, we do have a Patreon where we upload bonus episodes on those interstitial weeks. Next week's bonus is going to be our first listener Q&A, and I'm very excited about that one. Speaking, of course, of our beautiful patrons, special thanks to our £15 and above patrons, Those are Jack Holmes, Paint McCartler, Kentucky Fried Commie, Amanda Raghda, Timothy Pagione, Valeth, Larry Kins, Jack Bushel, Josh Simmons, Elizabeth Cox, Alfredo, Jonas Schwamberger, and Zoe Shepard.

I am overjoyed at the fact that I have to take a breath halfway through reading this list now. This has been Kill James Bond, starring Alice, Abigail, and Devon. Our producer is Nate Bethea, and our podcast art is by Matt Lubchansky. See you next time.