Upstream - Episode 7: Diamonds are Forever

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

The gang are joined by comedian Pierre Novellie as Old Sean Connery (Morrissey) comes out of retirement for One Last Job; investigating reports of a strange new phenomenon known as 'homosexuality'.   Also featuring endless shots of the bleakest parts of Las Vegas, Charles Grey, and A Homophobic Noise.   Find Pierre at https://twitter.com/pierrenovellie and https://www.twitch.tv/PierreNovellie Find us at  https://twitter.com/Killjamesbond    

So the last time that Pierre and I saw each other was at my brother's wedding, where Pierre was the drunkest I've ever seen a man be. But before that, the time before that was at my brother's stag party. And I have this vivid memory, which has now been distorted by gender shenanigans, of standing next to the grill as Pierre is grinning like a lunatic, burning this chicken that's raw on the inside. And my brother slumps unconscious on the French grass, dressed as Jimmy Savile. Your brother's hangover the next morning was the most spiritual hangover I think I've ever seen.

It was like watching a man commune with something much deeper than chemicals. I want to ask about the Savile costume. This was after the revelation? This was after they made him dress up in it and go to the airport but he flew to France with him dressed

as Savile the whole way. Oh, it was a punishment Savile costume. Yeah, yeah was a punishment saddle costume. Like an IRA punishment beating. We're going to make you dress up as Jimmy's saddle. We're going to send you into Shankle dressed as Jimmy. Diehard 3, but he's on the street corner in New York dressed

as Jimmy's saddle. Now then, now then. The sign says I heart kids I'll fix it for you I'll fix it for you mate your target is inside this children's hospital it was

a major L oh my god fine you know what I was gonna use something else for the theme but but I'll do this. Hell, Mr. Bond. Hello and welcome back to another episode of Kill James Bond The podcast

Where we have discovered so many drops in this movie That the podcast now does itself It's just a soundboard with hosts attached I am Alice Caldwell-Calley My pronouns are she and her Joining me are Go My name is Abigail Thorne My pronouns are also she and her joining me are go my name is abigail thorn my pronouns are also she and

her i just assume that i'm going to be third and all of these things my name is devon uh my pronouns are they them and we have a guest comedian pierre novelli is joining us to tell us about uh abigail's brother's jimmy saffold costume yeah how's it going oh i'm good i i i'm sort of uh i'm reaching the the point of you know you know i actually enjoyed lockdown for the first like genuine genuinely for the first like six months and even i'm reaching my limit of staying indoors at this point yeah and to make it worse for you we made you watch diamonds are forever well see diamonds are forever i genuinely if you'd asked me before this and you'd said, hey, have you seen it?

I would have said yes. And I hadn't. I hadn't actually seen it. No, it's like a filler movie, right? It's one of those things that you think you've seen. It was so strange because I know the theme and a friend of mine and I have an in-joke about the theme and I was, oh, yeah, yeah, I've seen that. And then the more I watched it, the more I was sitting and thinking joke about the theme and I was, oh yeah, yeah, I've seen that. And then as the more I watched it,

the more I was sitting and thinking, the fuck is this? I have no memory of any of these mutants. No. It's just, it's a movie where a lot of things happen. So many things. They aren't really connected to each other.

It reminded me of a Shakespeare play where they were like, actually that was him. And there was a mask and secretly it was his brother and also there's a sheriff and they just got excited and they put every character in yeah i mean this is the thing we're here for george lazenby's second movie but as as i'm excited to learn, George Lazenby has fucked off. He's not doing any more of these. And so we have this discussion from the makers of the James Bond movies about who's going to do it. They ask Burt Reynolds to do it. They ask the guy who played OSS Sandi Set in one of the 60s movies.

They ask Adam West if he wants to play James Bond. And he turns it down they also if my understanding is correct they also asked uh timothy dalton if he wanted he said he was too young he was too young yeah yeah yeah and he came back so they asked sean connery and sean connery being entirely mercenary it's just like yeah all right you pay me, the highest an actor has ever been paid to do a role at that point. If you pay me one and a quarter million dollars, Mr. Bond, if you cut your special effects budget for this movie in half and take all of that money and deposit it directly into my bank account,

I will come back and I will play James Bond again. It's pretty amazing to to get as an actor for your fee the kind of money that james bond would be held for ransom for yeah yeah yeah sean connery much closer to a super villain here than james bond uh but we we get our sort of our pre-credit sequence he he fucking catches up to blofeld by the simple expedient of doing a montage. And I don't know why he didn't think of doing this before. But he just hits three people and strangles a woman. Because we have to get this back on the right foot.

None of this gay Lazenby shit where he's nice to women anymore. The world's most 80-r bond just beats up successive guys he beats up three men and a woman uh and is like where's blofeld each of them gives him a clue and he's like oh i have found him the very very easily done do you think it's just a sign of like it could be an advert for like ritalin or it's like this is this is how well things go when you do your job yeah this is how much more productive bond is now that he's taking this he just he didn't try and fuck or fight anyone for over 10 minutes he just said please give me the next information i need yeah he just he just sort of detective he worked yeah and and so we find out

that uh blofeld is negotiating the the NHS gender identity clinic system. And I have a drop for this. I want the operation done tonight. But, senor. There's no time left. But, senor Blofeld, this is a most delicate procedure. It's going to- Tonight.

And he's fucking, he's having plastic surgery done. But I wish. But Blofeld isn't fucking Donald Pleasance or Tali Savalasit anymore. He's Charles Grey. Yes! And we've seen

Charles Grey before in the Bond movies. We've seen Charles Grey. Devin and I have an in-joke based on You Only Live Twice, which he's in. He's Captain Henderson

in that movie. He's the British agent in Tokyo. And we have a joke about the way he delivers one of his lines, which is... Oh, you must excuse this rather odd mixture of styles,

but I refuse to go entirely Japanese. Just because of the way he goes up at the end. I refuse to go entirely Japanese. He's so good. They finally cracked Blofeld and they've realised the secret is to make him older than James Bond,

so he's not trying to out-dick him like Terry Savalas was. He's just an older man who just treats bond with contempt he treats him as he deserves to be treated like a fucking child and it's beautiful he's going to tell you japanese that is gay yeah that's very gay the top of my notes for this movie was simply blowfeld gay question mark but it like that that to me made the most sense of anything because that you know the top of my notes for this movie was simply Blofeld gay question. But it like that, that to me made the most sense of anything because the, you know,

the joke is always like, well, why don't you just shoot James Bond in the head and dump him in a river? Why all this talking and look at this wonderful layer. I'd I have koi fish just showing him around. It's he's like, well, I'm,

I need to keep him safe so I can fuck him later. I'm going to fuck James Bond. That's my plan. I'm going to fuck James Bond. I haven him later. I'm going to fuck James Bond. That's my plan. I'm going to fuck James Bond. I haven't decided how I'm going to fuck James Bond, but I know I need him alive, at least. I'm not sick. So I'm going to shoot him.

This is the gayest and therefore also the most homophobic Bond movie. There's a lot to dig into about this. But we find that Blofeld is having doubles get plastic surgery to look like him. Through an expedient of rubbing a bunch of mud on them. Like, hot mud. Yeah, hot mud. I have a little bit of hashtag BTS here, and that's that in order to do this, they didn't use mud. What they used was mashed potatoes. Jesus Christ. do this they didn't use mud what they used was mashed potatoes oh jesus christ now i want you

to imagine having mashed potatoes under studio lights that are like a couple of days old just being rubbed on your face and thinking about how much you like acting that you're still willing to do oh my god yeah that was a guy fully submerged in them it was just having mashed potatoes rubbed in your face tepid mashed potatoes and just thinking surely he could just do what saddam hussein does and just like find guys who look quite like him how difficult is it to find three guys that look like charles gray but no he has to like surgically modify his henchmen he has to give them ffs um bond breaks in and undergoes like a bodger and badger kind of early 90s gunging where he just like pours additional mashed potatoes on this one's one guy's head to get

his own back yeah charles charles Gray as Blofeld then holds him up with henchmen, and he has henchmen fits this time, because all of his henchmen have colour-coordinated jumpsuits, hard hats, and the hard hats have like a lightning bolt on them. It's very funny. I'd like to see James Bond say, I'm looking for Dave Benson Phillips.

This is the most fucked Bond gadget, right? Blofeld is like, photos like right search him take his gun off him and the guy takes his he like puts his hand in bond's pocket and a fucking mousetrap closes on his fingers why why did you have a mousetrap? Why did you do that? For the same reason that flower he wears later shoots water. You know, he's a fun guy. Yeah, he's a clown. He's a clown to me.

Yeah. So, but the thing is, right, Blofeld gets fucking killed. Bond dumps him into a thing of superheated mud. Yeah. He gunges him as well. Yeah, he gunges Blofeld. We get Shirley Bassey doing the...

sort of thing. Fine. Great. That's the opening sequence. And then Blofeld's just dead. Yeah, I'd like to point something else about this opening sequence, which is that it's five minutes long. We've had four changes of location with no establishing shots. We've had one sexy lady. We've had the concept of magic plastic

surgery. We've had eight different speaking characters, no context. It needs to be said that this film, it comes from the era before they invented editing. It is shockingly badly edited. I wanted to say that, like the whole movie I was watching, thinking about the editing,

and like, I was just, obviously I'm watching it on an HD screen that, you know, it wasn't designed for, but fucking hell, does it look like, it looks worse than like Movie Maker, Windows Movie Maker, kind of star wipe. It's called like a star wipe, yes. Even when they kind of like clumsily zoom in on the cat's necklace, because the cat's kind of going, because Blofeld's dead. And then it just kind of goes, junk, and there's like a diamond on the other side of the screen. Yeah. And then it starts going,

beautiful work. It's ugly, ugly stuff. So we get the usual sort of setting up with M-Thing. But what's really funny is, this is our first real look at Connery in the time that he's taken off. Dude looks so fucking old now. He looks like Morrissey.

He's wearing a girdle under his suit. And there's nothing wrong with a bit of shapewear, right? He looks so fucking old now. He looks like Morrissey. He looks like ass! He's wearing a girdle under his suit, and there's nothing wrong with a bit of shapewear, right, but the fact that it's like, it makes him walk funny when he's walking, because he's just like, squeezed into this thing. But the script is still like, ah, Bond has this sort of like schoolboy repartee with M, right? M's like, are you listening 007? And Bond has to like, sort of read stuff back to him. And it's like, no, this is this fucking like 50 year old man, looking every fucking year of it, because he smokes 60 cigarettes a day, and like, drinks too much. He looks like Morrissey. He looks like late stage morrissey

he does look like morrissey to be fair the the first the first two people he punch punches are like the kind of people morrissey would punch or the kind of people morrissey imagines are bad where it's like a guy in a kind of like fez yeah and then like a like a like just a generically kind of asian guy and then strangling a woman and yelling at them. That's, that seems like the kind of thing that Morrissey would at least put into a wish fulfillment music video these days. So what M tells him is. May I remind you 007, the Blofeld's dead. Finished. The least we can expect from you now is a little plain, solid work. can expect from you now it's a little plain solid work which fine okay obviously that can't last but what we're doing is diamond smuggling uh and this we get oh god we get a fucking clip here

don't we oh boy dev do you want to do you want to explain the way they treat the diamond industry and that's oh the diamond industry yeah okay so So the guy's like, Bond, what do you know about diamonds? And he's like, very shiny, girl's best friend, reckon. And he's like, well, we mine them in South Africa. And then it cuts to like a fulfilling profession it is all the while we're seeing some minor like steel diamonds and put them in they they say the phrase loyalty and devotion of the industry's workers twice in one sentence surely like even then there must have been a bit tongue-in-cheek right because he's saying loyalty and devotion while they're stealing it obviously obviously yeah yeah it's still yeah we see we see their security system being easily defeated because this africana dentist is paying off the miners to smuggle diamonds out in their mouths he's also like like like every south african you ever see on television or film not South African. They can't seem to

find one. Do you know a guy from Sussex who can impersonate a kind of Dutch guy he met once? And then they found an angrier and redder English person. That's what they like probably. We found a guy from Kent who's got a lisp.

Is that the same? And all of everyone who's ever casted anything goes, yeah, that's actually better. Yeah. This dentist, he's got this guy doing an impression of a guy called Jerk Vanderclub. He's smuggling diamonds. Yeah, so he takes these diamonds out into the desert

where we meet Mr. Wint and Mr. Drill. Oh my god. These fucking guys. This is Mr. Kid. I fucking love these guys, right? Even though I hate the way they're written. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kid are a gay couple, right?

100% textually. Yeah, textually. They fucking kill people and then they walk off holding hands. And we got a reply on the Twitter account because I mentioned this, right? And somebody on the Twitter account replied to us and said, yeah, I saw this movie when I was a kid and it was the first time that I'd seen two men holding hands. And I just sort of filed that away in my brain. And that's the only thing I took from this movie.

And I'm like, yeah, I wasn't expecting to be crying because of a twitter account reply thanks um they are they are international diamond smuggling gay lovers which honestly goals goals i don't i don't think they're diamond smugglers they're just assassins they're being paid to like close up all of the diamond smuggling loops yeah the dentist gets got. It's a bizarre sort of Blofeld scheme, right? It's not spoilers to say that it's Blofeld. Obviously, it's fucking Blofeld. But Blofeld's deal here is, I'm gonna employ these two gay guys to kill everyone who is, like, useful to me as soon as they're finished doing the thing.

Yeah, because that's specter shit. Yeah, absolutely. He's like, I'm gonna kill everyone who finds me diamonds, even though they, if I gave them a thousand years, they couldn't imagine that I want the diamonds for space. Yeah, the only link between these people

is the fact that I am hiring these guys to kill them, but I'm gonna do it. Also, Mr. Wint and Mr. Drill, I kind of get the dynamic. They're both sort of like presumably in love, but also sociopaths because they're murderers and they love to murder because they keep giggling when they murder.

But how do you meet? How do you meet? How did that happen yeah what's the first date look like for that that i meet across a crowded room where they're both shooting people i like how do you meet in the 70s yeah i i genuinely there's so much about mr winton mr kid that i like and i feel like the the actors rescued what was a really like rancid piece of script writing yeah it's one of those things where it's like a hundred percent this pair was born out of a pernicious strain of homophobia that sort of treats being gay as like a subcategory of being a pedophile just based on the way they're portrayed but also i

can't help but find them quite charming yeah just on how they're played it's and it's just it's entirely without the text because they they kill a couple of guys they go to a bible school like a missionary school which is also like weird 70s africa vibes uh and they the the woman running it is a kind of criminal travel agent who takes them to Amsterdam, which means Bond has to go too. He has to stand on the honk. He has to go to Holland.

I'd like to say something about Bond's mission before we jet off to Amsterdam. So Bond is told that these international diamond smugglers are losing the diamond industry money so so first of all we're just doing goldfinger again but with diamonds yes but second of all like diamond fall down the stakes of this film so far are that this apartheid profiteering diamond corporation yes is making slightly less profit than normal and And this is all the justification that James Bond needs to, as we will see, murder a man.

He kills people for this. Like, that is the stakes. Like, in this film, it's so naked that Bond is just like, Bond is just like a naked agent of capital. He is a Tory fucking lapdog. He murders people for the De Beers family. Like, it really is like, is like, it's paper thin. The ideology is like thick on the ground in this one.

The most unrealistic part was that there was a British aristocrat who'd somehow managed to retain a diamond mine. Sold off to Elon Musk. Well, yeah, this is it. Was that Emeralds, his dad? That was Emeralds. Oh, you mean the apartheid Emeralds. Yeah, so we also get to see Moneypenny in this.

Lois Maxwell wasn't going to be in this movie, but she held out. She demanded that she be in it. And God bless her for that. Not only because it was more expensive, but due to what i still fervently believe was sort of an accident on purpose thing none of the original filming came out they had to shoot her scene twice so she got paid twice as much and she bought herself a fur coat with that money uh she also had to wear a hat during the only scene she was in because she dyed her hair and refused to dye it back absolute queen yeah she she is she's playing a

customs inspector they at the port of dover they misdirect this diamond smuggler called peter franks arrest him bond takes his place uh and steals his identity right and heads off to amsterdam to make contact with his diamond smuggling uh uh, sort of empire. Well, through what method did he go to Amsterdam? The fucking speed link! The highest of British technology! We're gonna send you on a hovercraft with a British rail logo on it. This is gonna be, this is the most cutting edge shit we can imagine. Bond's gonna smoke a few bifters with the lads.

He's on the hovercraft. It's time for a long weekend away. Maybe I'm young, but I had no fucking idea that there was a channel crossing hovercraft service. Not at all. So I looked into it and not only was it a channel crossing hovercraft service, it was a nationalized channel crossing hovercraft service it was a nationalized channel crossing hovercraft service a subsidiary of british rail communism mr bond started in 68 merged with a competitor in 81 and then couldn't compete with a channel tunnel oh sucks sucks to

suck i was trying to figure out from a like a cultural point of view i was like okay how how did they you know like you said like they've got apartheid diamond diamond mines and all this and they've they've got a kind of vaguely africans dentist but i thought why now why is bond addressing south africa even indirectly now and i realized early 70s is when emigration was like from the uk to south africa was very high because gold hadn't collapsed yet south af Africa was undergoing a huge economic boom because gold was just going mental and we had all the gold. And so then I think it must have just been in everyone's minds. They were just watching it going, yes, diamonds.

I could move out there and have some diamonds. Now watch closely, Bond. An ordinary Krugerrand. But if you press here and here, you can collapse the value of this currency. But if you press here and here, you can collapse the value of this currency. So he goes to Holland, where we see that Mr. Wint and Mr. Drill have murdered the nice old lady who was smuggling them. And we get, once again, another piece of script writing that is just like, oh, gay guys, that's a kind of pedo, right? Where they're like, oh, they're talking about the children she was teaching and how, like like they're going to bring them pictures of the canals that she had wanted and it's just like don't like that um the thing about wint and kid mr mr drill just now yeah mr winter mr drug my

apologies is it's quite a lot like what i said on the You Only Live Twice episode, which is that a lot of this was at the time inherently foreboding just because they were gay. In the same way that being in Japan was inherently foreboding because you'd only dropped nukes on it like 20 years beforehand. No one knew what it was like over there. But now to us as a modern audience, it kind of seems quite normal to see very Japanese things. So we don't get that same sense of dread. We also don't get it with Wynne and Kidd, really. Yeah, it just falls a bit flat. A lot of the terror for a 70s audience was, look at these gay men.

What could they be doing? But now we're just like, yep, gay guys, cool. Understand that. Wait a minute. Is it Wynne and Drill? No, it is Wynne and Kidd. It is Wynne and Kidd. I was going to say, I was like, wait wait did this say whether he got the name from what kind of psychotic deep

dive reference was that guy aiming for that would be so good if that was yeah imagine if we'd cracked it so bond bond meets his contact who is the lady called Tiffany- The thing about Mr. Wint is he does kinda look like Drill. That is true. That is true. Fuck. They also say things that are quite like Drill tweets. If a man was meant to fly- Mr. Wint.

He would have given him wings, Mr. Kidd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Bond meets Tiffany Case, who gets an amazing scene with him where she changes wigs every time she comes back on screen. She's like, she starts out as a blonde and then she comes in

as like a brunette and then as a redhead and Bond gets the like supremely perv line so long as the collars and the cuffs match, I don't mind. I was just like he then has quite a i would like a version of bond where he'd never he just always says what he means he can't do innuendo you don't mind do you darling as long as your pubes are the same color okay he played off very suavely though yeah he does have quite a charming line where so obviously

when when bond meets her she's in her pants um and she says uh i'll finish dressing and he quite charming he says oh please don't not on my account which i thought was quite he's actually genuinely quite suave in this scene she has some dom vibes because she like, I don't dress for the hired help. She gets Bond to snuggle these diamonds, which leads Sean Connery to say... That's an awful lot of ice. Which... Just to bring the ice up. Yeah! He's iced up.

Yuck. Hype beast Sean Connery just lives in my head. That's an awful lot of in my head full of ice but Peter Franks easily escapes custody and he kills a guard to do it and the reason why he kills a guard is because

you can't Bond has to kill him, right, because Peter Franks is gonna go and expose him but like, killing a guy just to maintain your own cover is too espionage, it's too real world for the Bond movie. So he has to be a murderer

in order to legitimize this use of violence against him. So Peter Franks shows up, walks past Connery, who hides himself by pretending to make out with himself. Oh my god, that fucking bit. Yeah, even though Franks couldn't see him from that angle, it's purely for our benefit in the camera because Frank, he was behind a staircase,

Franks couldn't see him. I like to imagine that Bond just does that. Like that's his idle animation, as we leave him for too long, he just will make out with himself. He's got life attack heaviest at grapple on his idle animation as he starts making out with himself. You select the loading screen he just starts doing that he's like come on yeah and he thought he follows frank's into this building's elevator while for some reason inexplicably

pretending to be german yeah this is like goten i English. And it's like, you've never met this guy. You have no reason to be doing a fucked accent. Yeah. It is me. It's a German man who was kissing himself. Yeah, everybody knows this. This famous Amsterdam comic character is a German man who makes out with himself. I was self-kissing.

So he kills Frank, right? There's a fight, and he kills him by squirting a fire extinguisher on him, which is full of shaving foam, I guess, and like throwing him over a thing. It's a good fight until that point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A fight on the left, it's quite good. And then he does some spy shit, he switches passports with him, and so they drag him indoors and Tiffany Case is like, You just killed James Bond! Perfect, perfect title drop i did like when he switched

the passports i did think well all those up close magic classes have really paid off for james bond he does this twice he does two like sort of close-up magic things uh also the way that they recognize that it's bond is from his playboy Club membership card in his wallet. It's a good thing that was there and she didn't go, wait, this guy has a passport with your picture in it that says you're James Bond. Oh, fuck! He switches a passport, which we have earlier seen, to have

his photograph in it into this guy's pocket! Fuck! Shit, okay, that's... I think he just swapped wallets into that. Well, that deflates my thing. Whatever. But this is just another one of those moments where it's like, everyone knows what James Bond looks like.

Everyone knows who James Bond is. If you drop the name James Bond, every criminal knows who that is. Which is not good. Do you think... They smuggled the diamonds to Los Angeles inside James Bond, inside this dead guy. Up his ass, I think. Mm-hmm.

Assuming I remember correctly what Alimentary Canal is, because there's a joke about that. Incidentally, Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are of course following them, because they're on the plane following the diamonds, and you get a really interesting line. I must say miss k seems quite attractive for a lady and mr wint just sort of stares at him with this like seething jealousy and i i don't know it is cute it's a little sort of humanizing moment almost i want to know what they said to to the guy with the kind of like

he's bald but he has long hair and a mustache and they've told him not to shave the front bit which is all scraggly yeah just look as creepy as you can yeah that's great they said look as creepy as you can unlike now beloved children's entertainer and local dj jimmy savel yeah that's right we want you to look like the version of Jimmy Savile that would have been shot on sight. Yeah, we want you to look like the... Just showing him a picture of Jimmy Savile. Right, look as far opposite from this totally normal man.

Yeah. This is a fun, trustworthy guy. Don't look like this. Yeah. You want to look... You want to look way different. This guy's a kind of child safety icon don't look like him that explains so much about why mr wins and mr killer the way they are is like 70s britain was so incredibly laughably bad recognizing dangers to children that they were just like oh dangers to children yeah that's a

guy who wears too much aftershave and a guy with a slightly scraggly haircut he's got a scraggly haircut he wears aftershave and his ties are a little loud actually yeah yeah yeah so um they fly this coffin with a body full of diamonds into los angeles where we meet new year new felix lighter this time it's sort of earnest borg nine non-union equivalent I hate every single person in Felix Leiter's entourage in this fucking movie. The way they talk is insufferable to me. I don't have any good drops for Felix Leiter because they're very boring. They're his, like, mafia guys. Yeah, yeah, his CIA guys.

When Bob gets in the car with a bunch of, like, wise guy mafia dudes. Oh yeah, because they take the body in a hearse they do and the hearse is marked slumber inc we get some good jokes about italians in the in the house because they're like dumb or whatever fine and then we get to the funeral parlor and the first thing out of the guy's mouth is mr franks i'm morton slumber oh you're fucking that's not that's not a dude's name i paused it and walked around for a bit i. Oh, you're fucking... That's not a dude's name. This is the point where I paused it and walked around for a bit. I was like, oh, you're fucking... You're fucking not called Morton Slumber.

Morton Slumber is like the name of a drag character who is an undertaker. It's such a fucking good undertaker name. My name is Gaffley Sleep. And I am an undertaker. Yeah, but if you are a drag character who is an undertaker your name is

Rigor Mortis come on yeah that's good that is really good oh pit wife Rigor Mortis is already taken you're gonna have

to be Morton Slumber there you go Morton Slumber yeah that's it hey I run a funeral service my name is Dead Body

ah Mr. Body thank you so they they cremate this they cremate Peter Franks and of course because like Ah, Mr. Boddy! Thank you, yes. So they cremate this, they cremate Peter Franks, and of course, because like, the diamonds are, you know, very hard, they survive, the rest of him doesn't, and they bring him this urn filled with diamonds. Uh, Bond, like, delivers these diamonds, collects his paycheck, and is then immediately hit on the back of the head and thrown into a coffin, where he is gonna be fucking cremated by Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd.

Mmm. And they can't stop quipping! I love these guys so much, but they can't stop it. They launch this fucking coffin off, and they get three in succession, right? They go, Very moving. Heartwarming, Mr. Wint. A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd.

Just, bam, bam, bam, quip, quip, quip. They're having fun with each other. They're having fun. They're having fun. moving heartwarming Mr. Wimp a glowing tribute Mr. Kid just bam bam bam quip quip quip they're having fun with each other it's very cute I will say the quip writers

the 100 Harvard Lampoon graduates who they had working on the quips for this film were not on their top a glowing tribute is kind of like, okay, a fire's glowing. Very moving, just because the coffin itself has started moving at that point.

Find me a piece of life where you can't say very moving when no one's moving. That's too broad a quip. Try again. Sick burn, Mr. Kidd. Just as Bond is about to be incinerated, and he's lasting a surprisingly long time in there, right?

The coffin is yanked open and we get You dirty double-crossing limey finkos goddamn diamonds are phonies. Because, of course, we've got to do some Vega shit, right? And that means... What I like is that that would

have just killed James. He had literally no way out. He was just rescued at the last minute. Yeah, by a guy who calls him a dirty, double-crossing, no-good, limey fink. Because the diamonds are fake. The CIA have switched the diamonds, so he has delivered them fake ones. And he now has, like, 24 hours or whatever to get them the real ones or they're gonna kill him, right? Why would you send?

Because we established this immediately thereafter, right? The guy that they send to do that, and the guy who calls him a fink, is an insult comic? He has a show at a casino in Vegas, you just you just sent one of the rat pack to come and kill this guy was it was it the guy who called him a fink who was the the comedian yeah shady tree that character's name is jeff dunham jeff dunham in this movie and the way bond finds out about this is so good as well he's just he fresh off getting his, like, completely chewed out by these guys. And he just sits in his room, opens up for fucking magazine,

and there's that guy's face in big letters. It's like, performing tonight in Vegas. Yeah. So Felix is like, just sit tight for 24 hours. We'll, like, figure out a plan to help you out. Just sort of sit tight for tonight. And Bond is like, yeah, okay, cool. And then he sees that Shady Tree, the diamond guy is performing so he goes he goes to see him um when bond arrives

in shady's trees backstage room went and drill have already murdered him yes because they're closing the loopholes and then and then this strange thing happens like and then a very strange thing happened bond finds that his main point of contact has been murdered and then he decides to just like fuck around hit the craps table he's like i'm not gonna report this there's a corpse backstage but i'm just gonna go gamble i guess i am just gonna take the night off i am a compulsive gambler yeah what's very funny is that after they the after went and could kill shady they they leave the room and immediately the managers they're like it was they were fake diamonds we need shady alive still and

they were like oh i'm afraid we gay murdered him already damn it you gay murderers so what be a little less efficient why is a deleted scene where they do joker shit and they're like try and suggest jokes for his act and they have one of those guns that you pull the trigger and a little flag comes out saying bang on it um and then in the deleted scene they show him that and he's like what the fuck is this is bullshit and he says yes but this next one will really kill you and then he pulls the trigger and it fires a bullet and kills him. Oh, come on. That's so good. They push the money into that murder. So, okay, Bond is playing the craps and he meets...

But of course you are. Plenty are too. Named after your father, perhaps? Yo, has your dad got a big dick? What? That's my opening line always as well. What? What?

Why? Yo, girl, I bet your dad's got a big dick. Yo, dude, yo, can I like, just go and explain it? To get a sense of the kind of pipe your dad was laying. Is this, like, implying that hot girls are hot because of how big their dad's dick is?

Yeah, he's saying, oh, with tits like that, your dad must have had a huge dong. In England, I'm very charming. What? He's wearing a white dinner jacket. He's wearing a white dinner jacket in a Vegas casino. Yeah, yeah.

And he looks like an absolute prick. He is old enough to be this woman's father. Like, it's really gross it's real gross it's real bad and she she yeah also incidentally how is plenty o'toole not the first trans bond girl i yeah it's a very trans name inexplicable to me anyway um like he fucking gambles at craps he takes her up to his hotel room because they're gonna fuck and then oh shit it's the goons it's the mafia goons

who throw her out of a window into a swimming pool and then he looks out as she hits the pool and he's like excellent shot and the guy's sort of deadpanned I didn't even know there was a pool there which is very funny and then what Bond does is

he assumes that they're gonna try to kill him too so he like punches one in the face and then they just leave and there's a bit where Bond looks like genuinely quite perturbed that he's just punched a guy who seems quite actually upset by it like ah ah dude

you just ah you got me right in the face like what the fuck, like... There's a bit where Bond genuinely seems to think he's hurt their feelings. Yeah. And he's like, uh... The reason why they have tossed her out of the window is because fucking Tiffany Case is in his bed and she is going to have sex with him. Now, I cannot stress enough the dumb vibes that this woman has.

And I mean, I got this drop. I mean... You got that drop for personal reasons. Yeah, I did. I'm going to be playing that to myself later. Anyway, yeah, so his line is, I'm the condemned man, so you must be the

hearty breakfast, which... Shut the fuck up! Gross, dude. he's taken off his tuxedo at this point and he looks like he's had a few too many hearty breakfasts because he is so fucking hairy he's in bad shape he doesn't look good he's meant to be naked but he's clearly wearing a modesty patch isn't isn't like wouldn't you say last meal where's hearty breakfast come from breakfast i have no idea it's also not the morning when he says it so there's no excuse about it being the morning no no no your traditional hearty breakfast also like after they're fucking right she she puts

a cigarette out on the ashtray he has balanced on his chest i genuinely thought she was just putting a cigarette out on i didn't see and i was just like black yeah okay that's so much chest i didn't realize that there was an ashtray there she put a cigarette out on him. I didn't see it because the ashtray is black. He has so much chest out I didn't realize that there was an ashtray there until she put a cigarette out on him and I was like holy fuck. It reminded me as a hairy chested man that I relied up until Daniel Craig on James

Bond. You know, that's hairy chested representation. Because Pierce Brosnan had a good old chest drug. He was the last one. I think he is. Can you guys name anyone after Pierce Brosnan who was like a main male action guy who had chest hair? Me.

You teased that one up, didn't you? Jesus. Not anymore, but back in the day. No, you paid good money to not. It's all gone now, yeah. Good lord. Well, anyway. Tiffany and Bond try and, like, double-cross

the mob. They're gonna split the diamonds, they're gonna leave town. And so he sends her to collect the diamonds at Circus Circus, which looks like the absolute worst place on Earth. Yeah, so this is the point where youcus Circus, which looks like the absolute worst place on Earth. Yeah, so this is the point where you start to see

some of that more era silliness. There's an elephant that plays a slot machine, and you're just like, it's like a sight gag, and you're just meant to be like, huh? Yeah, there's a sight gag in a fucking Bond movie! And then it cuts to the fucking slot machine,

which has come up three elephants on the thing. And it's like... You could easily intercut it with all the horrifying scenes from Fear and Loathing. There's a bit in Fear and Loathing where Hunter S. Thompson describes Circus Circus as the Sixth Reich. Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, Bond, of course, fits in perfectly. Anyway, he... So Felix Leiter's agents are following Tiffany Case as she collects the diamonds, and she escapes them easily. She outwits the CIA by the simple expedient of ducking through a racist sideshow. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. This whole sequence goes on way too long. I mean, we're getting through it at a brisk pace, but, like, the editing, the moment-to-moment editing here is really bad. Like, the attention wanders. We're almost an hour into this movie. And we, yeah, the racist sideshow, incidentally,

is Zambora, a black woman, transforms into a man in a gorilla suit. And this is terrifying. When they introduce the racist sideshow, do they make a deliberate... I couldn't... I'll level with you. I couldn't be bothered to rewind. I think it was like, Nairobi, South Africa.

Yeah, they do say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did say that. Okay, so they're deliberately being wrong about Africa as well. To be like, isn't this a silly silly sideshow as opposed to a kind of harrowing harrowing throwback to the slave trade that we've created here that is somehow even more racist than if we just left yeah well we've we've got we've got some racism out of the way uh what about some extra bonus free misogyny because

didn't we all enjoy plenty at all and the like two scenes she was in well she's fucking dead she's dead yeah yeah really jarring clashing tones here very mixed vibe yo you've seen this elephant incidentally dead woman the the reason why she's dead as well it's not particularly well explained within the text of the movie because they cut almost all of her scenes. So there's a cut scene before they go up to their room where Plenty gets jealous of Bond looking at another woman. They go up to the room. Then there's a cut scene after she's thrown out the window and after Bond's fallen asleep with Tiffany where Plenty comes back into the room and like goes through Tiffany's handbag and finds her address

and then there's another cutscene where she shows up to the address and Wint and Kid are there and they like mix up the two imagine that she's and drown her but all of those are cut so all you get is just like

isn't Tiffany fun? She's dead now it's very strange so we were missing a whole scene where winton drill were like nice breasts did your father have a huge penis and then yeah is your dad single yeah no so she's been attached to a concrete block and drowned in the pool we get like that's horrible i'm gonna go back i'm so sorry that winning kids show up and they're like great great i need to get your father's recipe for this yeah so bond bond of course has one expedient when it comes to women, which is to slap them until words fall out. Which he does.

There it is. Yeah, as a consequence that he sneaks into, he like, oh god, fuck. There's a bit in a gas station where he tries to distract her while he sneaks into the back of a van. And she's just yelling incomprehensibly at the gas station guy she's like you had one shot curly and you blew it and it's just like what and anyway anyway they're sneaking to a secret base that's the longest shot of it yeah willard white techtronics willard white is uh this casino owner in the movie he's howard hughes basically and howard hughes was a famous aviation pioneer and then recluse he got a severe severe mental illness and isolated himself on the top floor

of a casino in vegas which he owned and just sort of sort of ran stuff remotely from there and so this is this guy in this movie is willard white so so bond sneaks into this lab where they're building a kind of diamond laser thing right away we don't even find out what they're doing straight away no we don't no just kind of sneaking into a lab yeah he's just kind of fucking around without the diamond laser satellite like three foot quarters of the way through the movie and i was like oh okay okay that's just like i haven't sneaked into a lab in a while have you got any labs around here i need to sneak into a lab what we do instead of explaining the the diamond thing is just a bit of like interpersonal comedy where he like tailgates a guy in and pretends he works there and then like takes his identity and pokes

around in a lab coat um but his cover gets blown and he gets he gets chased out and it's time for i have written down here two consecutive car chase sequences which fucking drag but the way the way that he escapes right is he dives across a set where they're filming the moon landing? Again! This is the start of what became quite silly in the Moore movies. They're just, like, playing around with occasionally doing some weird

shit. Now, my favourite detail, my favourite detail about this, right, is so there are these two astronauts who are, like, replicating the moon landing, and they have a lunar rover there, which Bond is gonna steal to drive out in. But, um, as he, like, replicating the moon landing, and they have a lunar rover there, which Bond is gonna steal to drive out in. But as he, like, dives in, somebody in the control room is like, hey, stop him! And one of the astronauts lunges at him, but he misses him, because he's moving at moon

speed. Yeah! No fucking reason to be doing that! The astronaut is so committed to the role that he's... A ruthless commitment to the bit, that he just, like, lunges at him like he's in zero gravity, like he's just like, and Bond just runs around him. That's so good, actually. It's very strange.

We don't see him hide on the moonset, he just is on the moonset, and then the security just come in through one door and go, he is behind the rock yeah the moon set that we have for some reason making out with himself on the moon like a like a bad improv yes and yeah so we're gonna chase across the desert where i heard the moon yeah but bond is driving this lunar rover, he's being chased by guys on dirt bikes, he escapes them, and then immediately thereafter, back to back, we're back in Vegas, and he's... The entire way through that first chase scene, dudes are just crashing left, right, and centre. Oh yeah, 100%.

Like, they're just gently falling over. The cars that they're using the chase scene it's like blofeld has gone okay i need to equip my desert base with some kind of security vehicles i'm gonna go with like low slung uh boxy wide like steel framed street cars called buying american and blofeld practices it. Oldsmobile 88s all day. We see a bunch of 70s American boxy cars

just get fucking wrecked in this movie. Both in the desert and then in the immediate next scene where Bond drives circles around the cops in Vegas because they have called the cops on him for being a moon saboteur there's a famous

there's a famous era where Bond like drives the car up onto a little ramp and tilts it onto its side in order to drive through a narrow alley and when the car comes out the other side it's tilted over the wrong way and there's a very awkward insert in the middle where they show them like

changing orientations despite the fact that would be like physically impossible yeah that's true I thought that was weird I didn't realise that yeah and of course afterwards yeah we get another sort of preview of what is going to become another stand

by for the more period which is a dumb sheriff like throwing his hat on the ground and being like, ah, tarnation, that damn Bond. You can see why they wanted Burt Reynolds for this, right? Where did that come from in terms of thinking, was it just for the Americans?

Yeah, because the reason why is, On Her Majesty's Secret Service did quite well, but not in America. It made its budget back and then some, but only in foreign markets, only in Europe and then Asia and so on. So like, for this one, they're like, we've gotta get America back on site, so we'll just set the whole fucking thing there, and we'll do as much American shit as we can to get

them interested. We'll give Felix Leiser a bigger role, even though he's less interesting now. Yeah, Bond does Vegas, essentially. Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much. So Bond and Tiffany move into the Bridal Suite in Willard White's casino, the White House, with a Y. I've got to be honest with you. I think diamond smuggling usually isn't this complex

No I've actually written down a little flow chart here Of what happens to diamonds over the course of this movie If anyone's interested Oh please Okay And as far as I can tell Up until a point which I will note

This is all going according to plan Yes Okay so The diamonds are smuggled out of that mine by that dentist. Who is killed. Who is killed. They're then handed off to Winton Kidd,

who go to Amsterdam to turn it into a chandelier in Tiffany Case's house. Yep. From there, it's transferred into a coffin. Mm-hmm. Into an anus. Into an anus. Into an anus of a man in a coffin,

over to America. Yep. To Morton Slumber's crematorium where it is extracted via cremation dropped off in an urn in the wall

which is then immediately picked up by Shady Tree Shady takes the diamonds to Vegas places them inside one of the stuffed toys

in the circus and then I've got a couple of question marks and then the toy is now at willard white's lab yes you could just hire one guy streamlined a little yeah but the thing is if you if you just if you streamline it that's fewer people that you get your gay assassins to have to kill oh it's make work for the gay it's called universal basic creator that's right, that is right. So Bond mountaineers

up the side of the fucking casino with a grappling gun in his tuxedo still. Genuinely, a very tense climbing. I got a bit of vertigo, yeah. I didn't like it, yeah. There's the one special effect that actually carried over to a

modern screen where I was like, this is actually, I hate this, this is awful. It's actually high up, yeah. So he infiltrates Willard White's penthouse. He lands on a comically well-equipped toilet when he gets in there, because the one joke that this movie has about Howard Hughes is,es is howard hughes be shitting not not sure why there's a bit later on where somebody's like oh there's a phone call for you mr white and he's like yeah i'll take it in the john yeah this guy loves toilet time yeah and i mean it's gonna be shit it's representation and it's ibs positivity but uh why does he like it because it can't because he likes like oh i get fine you know i'm a famous recluse and i never see anyone but i finally get some alone time in the toilet

he just loves shitting he just loves it he just loves just loves it yeah he made a mistake he made his toilet more comfortable than any of his chairs and he's just on it all the time so he's just moving his entire office and bond infiltrates the penthouse only to find oh shit willard white is fucking blofeld and also there's two blofelds it's me 007 yes i'm gay now how's it going i'm gay with myself you have to make out with your own arms but i can make out with this double anytime i want uh yes he does the swivel chair reveal. When Bond walks in, he turns around in a swivel chair. He does.

He finally does it. Because he's been disguising his voice this whole time. He's been doing quite a, like a heavy Texan kind of, hey, partner, aren't you mosey on in here? The reason why he's able to,

like, disguise himself is he has a voice box, which he describes like this, right? Science was never my strong suit, but the principles easy enough. Someone's voice patterns and resonance stored in a small oral signature tape. Oral signature tape. First of all, you were a scientist in the last movie. But second of all, yeah, fine.

He picks up the phone and it makes him taxon. I think you could just do the voice, man. Yeah, that was my question. It's like, how many impressions can Blofeld do? Yeah, apparently none. Apparently, like, generally none. Bond, we've had a chilling phone call from Christopher Walken. Now, this is from a later on.

And also from you Bond You sound like Sean Connery Yeah if you want to know what Willard White Sounds like and this is the voice That Blofeld does This is how he says Baja California Baja Oh Jesus

I am the guy who's thinking Baja Just add an extra syllable to everything Yeah so You guys just wait till you hear the accent That I've got doing this TV show Just wait Just add an extra syllable to everything. Hmm. Yeah, so, but Bond... You guys just wait till you hear the accent that I've got doing this TV show. Just wait. Yeah, it sounds exactly like this. Bond is owned, he is taunted by the two Blofelds,

and then the cat is there, the white cat that Blofeld has. Honestly, I would love a body double to just do bits with. Make out with yourself. Also to fuck. Yeah. to just do bits with. Make out with yourself. Also to fuck. But like, mainly to do bits with. So Bon does the obvious smart thing, which is he like, throws the cat and sees who it runs to, and he like, he shoots the Blofeld that it runs to with the grappling gun, and it kills him dead. And then, of course, another identical cat runs out into the real Blofeld's arms, and he's just like,

yeah, you really gotta stop killing my doubles like this. He has this incredible moment, Charles Gray sells this so hard, where he's like, we went to all this time and expense making a third double just so you could have that little heroic moment, it didn't fucking do anything and he like he pulls a gun on bond he's like right fuck off go go downstairs now uh he refuses to tell him the plan he refused he's like what's your evil plan he's like i'm not gonna fucking tell you i'm tired go away yeah 100 also they're in a room where this so this is willard white's room that if bond asks where's willard and he's like oh he's he's somewhere don't worry about it mate um and there the whole floor of this room is like a map of all of willard white's various companies various holdings across

america and one of them is this massive great spiked missile yeah the bond keeps like playing with the tip of and Blofeld's like that won't do as a weapon, you realise that right? and then he just stops touching it for the rest of the scene so like he's just like yes, take the elevator out of my penthouse instead of having to

climb back down and the line that he gives him is like he instructs him how to use the elevator. You press L, Mr. Bond. The word lobby begins with L. Which, of course, I just pulled. L, Mr. Bond.

And I will be using that for the rest of the podcast anytime Bond is on. But Bond is, of course, smart enough to realize that this is a trap. And so he, like, tries to, like, step out of the way because he thinks the floor is going to drop out from under him but rather than being a trap that just kills him oh no of course not this is the trap this is the kind of trap that like knocks bond unconscious in order to allow him to be placed in an easily escapable death trap so he wakes up in a pipeline buried in the desert kid and kid and wint uh they bury him in a pipe in the desert. Yeah. He stinks of Wint's

aftershave, too. And then a pipe-cleaning rig comes along at about two miles an hour and Bond easily hops onto it. Yeah, so what was the deal with it? Because as they gay put him in the boot and then gay drove him to the desert, the aftershave, did that fall out of wince pocket no what is that putting on

he's always spraying himself with it but in a lot of scenes he's just spraying they chucked bond on it and it broke i thought that was like is that the antidote to the fucking gas or is this why am i watching this no no it's his aftershave, but it comes back later. Yeah, it's gay aftershave. Honestly, at this point, I wrote like, just shoot him first of all with a gun. I didn't even think that could have

killed him. I didn't even think there was any possibility where that could have killed him. No, the pipeline isn't filled with anything, ever. It's just a tube. Because he escapes by walking out of the tube. He just leaves. He just leaves.

He just leaves. You just put him in a room. They bury him underground and he just leaves. Yeah. He's sealed in and he kind of tricks a robot into sending a distress signal, right? But what was the pipe for? Was it water? Oil?

We have no idea. was the pipe for was it water oil we have no idea so bond bond is then he plays blowfeld's own trick back on him with the aid of a voice box he impersonates blowfeld sort of a second in command my notes simply say this mf named burt saxby um he was called burt sax and he tricks blowfeld into revealing where the real Willard White is, which is literally just his summer house. You could have just gone there at any time. Whatever. It's fine.

Literally the first place you'd look. Yeah. It's not even summer. Willard White is being guarded by two female wrestlers. I'm Bambi. Good morning, Bambi. And I'm Thumper. I'm not sure why they're dubbed so poorly.

However, I will be, again, reconsidering this. Lesbians, Mr. Bond. Reconsidering this scene for personal use. They very nearly kill Bond by simply just by choking him with their thighs. It rocks. Big fan of this. Unfortunately, they do not succeed in killing james bond so yeah they throw him into the the pool and then bond wins the fight simply by being

stronger like he doesn't outskill them in any way he just successfully manages to hold both of them underwater but it shows you that bond's predation uh system is very similar to the freshwater crocodile. That's true. If you let it get you in the water, you will not win. On land, you have a chance, but their mistake was to follow him into the water. I mean, yeah, Largo learned this. Didn't fight Bond underwater. Incidentally,

when they rescue Willard White, he is also shitting. I don't know why. Yes, he is shitting again, isn't he? He flushes the toilet and comes out and he's like, this motherfucker's shitting i i don't know why he's yes he is shitting again isn't he he flushes the toilet and comes out and he this motherfucker's shitting i think there's there's something to be said we missed this little but there's there's something to be said for the fact that increasingly the the tertiary antagonist in these movies is the government telling bond that he has to show restraint it never came up in like the first four but in the last two, both times he's wanted to go

after someone who he imagines to be Blofeld, and has been told either by the British or the American government, no, just wait, man. Right before he does the climbing expedition, the reason why he does it is because Felix just tells him, no, you can't just go up there. Was it some kind of thing where slowly everyone realised, like, hey, do you know why he does it is because felix just tells him no you can't just go up there was it um was it some kind of thing where like slowly everyone realized like hey do you know what the kids like these days is the whole you're a loose cannon mcnulty yeah that's definitely what it is whereas in the old days they were like he's very good he murdered exactly who the queen told him to

so now that his cover is blown blofeld escapes the the casino in drag, because as I put in my notes, Blofeld gay. He escapes dressed like fucking Mrs. Doubtfire. He kidnaps Tim and Case on the way out. There's a cute scene where we see that Q is cheating at slots, which I enjoyed. That was good. Being a fucking nerd. Can we make the episode art for this?

Blofeld in drag. Oh, absolutely we can. Yeah. Because he's like... Look what the cat dragged in. It's so cute. It's so fucking camp. I did so dread having to make this long journey alone.

That's why he's pleased to see Japanese. You must apologize for this odd mix of genders, and he's highly female. Oh my god. So Bond and the real Willard White chase down this satellite, but it's too late. And what the satellite does is it fires a laser beam, which Blofeld uses to destroy an American ICBM, a Soviet nuclear sub, and a road- Chinese man! And a single Chinese man! A single red Chinese soldier.

A single Chinese man, Mr. Bond. Another, like, another sort of leg of the three-legged stool of nuclear supremacy. A one Chinese guy i'm afraid they've killed the only chinaman who knows how to press the button god damn it they literally they just like they turn the laser on a bunch of rockets and we see one chinese man go ah and then that's it he really he really i like the guy he really saw his face is incredible that's it. I like the guy. He really... His face is incredible. That's also potential episode art. Yeah.

But what we find is that Blofeld's plan is he has the power to neutralize nuclear weapons with this big space laser, and he is going to auction off nuclear supremacy. He's like, well, you know, whichever country pays me the most, you get to keep your nukes fair enough it's pretty clever i just wanted to say to blowfell at that point hey man you have

a casino full of diamonds what what what you're using those diamonds to get money which is better than diamonds because yeah question mark i just wanted to say to, just make me a list of what you can't buy. Seriously, man. He doesn't say how much the money is for as well, which is a mistake that they made several times before, where he was like, yes, £100 million, which is less than the plan could have possibly cost to pull off. Blofeld could be anywhere within Willard White's huge business empire,

but by pure chance, they realize he's in. Baja. Why? I don't know. He's got an oil rig. An oil rig. Baja.

L is fond. L. Yeah. Where he is orchestrating this and he's controlling the satellite using a little cassette tape which Bond has seen around before and so Bond

infiltrates the base, he arrives in a fucking Zorb, he is parachuted in and he Zorbs in he does Zorb in and they're about to shoot him down and then Blofell's like no no no no i have to own this man once again and so he does because he brings he brings blow he brings bond on board of what he says is surely you haven't got to negotiate mr bond your pitiful

little island hasn't even been threatened fucking get his ass which. I definitely wanted to flag that. L, Mr. Bond. How much has Britain's prestige fallen in the last couple of these movies? That's the 70s, right? Where everything was in the toilet and everyone was depressed. Because of Jeremy

Corbyn. 007, I haven't even threatened your pathetic little island mad mark says jeremy corbin's driving it into the dirt already um if there is really something to be said for how hard the prestige of england in its own eyes has fallen over the course of like three movies because in you only live twice there's this like a nuclear summit between the us and uh the ussr and england is just also there to mediate on equal footing and now they're just like oh fucking turf island i don't give a shit back to droid twitch 007 uh yeah i'm threatening the big boys 007 you wouldn't know about this. Tiffany Case is there, but, like, we're meant to think she's evil.

She's clearly not evil. She's just, like, undercover, fine, whatever. Blofeld has a couple of lovely lines when he's interacting with his henchmen. Yeah. Because there's one where, as Bond's plane is flying overhead, Blofeld says, stage one alert, please, to his henchmen. He says the word please, which is very cute. And also when Bond one alert please to his head he says the word please which is very cute and also when bond sees that tiffany is there he says jealousy from you mr bond

i'm flattered it's just it's so cute blowfeld has a 99 good boss rating on hench for these reasons also also the fit like these guys are wearing blue and orange jumpsuits the whole time. This is again the money thing where it's like, look, not only do you have a private army, they don't even have to turn up in their own mercenary kit. You've got an outfitter, you've got your own gay assassins, you've got...

Also, I had a question. Is it made clear at any point why reclusive casino owner Willard White has top- level government clearance and is allowed to launch satellites without anyone asking questions cool this is a cool guy yeah america god damn it what the fuck do you mean how would he was really was like elon musk shifted a generation anyone can launch a rocket if they want yeah so bond bond switches uh the So Bond switches the control tape for a fake one. And then sort of, because like Tiffany Case allows him to.

And then he like calls her a bitch to throw people off the set. He's just like, bitch, witch. Bitch. That's an awful lot of ice so she's pretending to be evil and like so bond comes in with a fake tape and bloodfellows like oh you've got a fake tape not gonna work and tiffany like gives him back the fake tape and bond swaps them but then there's some shenanigans where she doesn't realize she doesn't realize that he swapped them so she swaps them back and she puts the real one back in

she's wearing nothing at this point she's she starts out wearing a bikini and then she's like oh can i come to all the facilities with you ernst and he's like yeah but put something on so you don't distract all of my incredibly horny dudes she calls calls him Ernst? She calls him Ernst. It's so cute. And so what she puts on over the bikini is like a bikini sweater. It's another bikini. Yeah, a second bikini. It's a second slightly larger bikini.

And like she puts the Bond puts the tape like in her ass so it's just like there's just a tape shape in her ass on the bikini the one place where everyone will be looking including Blofeld

he's not going to cuck him like Teddy Savalas was but he was like you're showing a bit too much cheek my dear throw her in the brig as well he has Bond and Tiffany Case thrown in the brig the brig right I want to talk about the fucking brig the brig as well. He has Bond and Tiffany Case thrown in the brig. The brig, right, I want to talk about the fucking

brig. Talk to me about the brig. The brig, you have all of the money in the world, you have a fucking, uh, like, oil platform, you have an army of goons, and you anticipate that you're gonna have to take someone prisoner because you let Bond on the

thing, and then you throw him into a supply closet full of supplies with a hole in the floor yeah he just drops a rope which is already in there out of a hole in the floor and just like shimmies down it i think it's honestly a world record for how fast bond leaves a room after being this movie loves putting bond in like the most easily escapable situations and trying to sell that as like perilous it's fucking good luck wriggling out of this one james oh shit ah fuck fuck in order to escape this prison you'll have to beat this robot at making a martini

oh it's like a fucking it's like an introductory level in a point-and-click adventure. You're just put in a room. There is one interactable object. It's a rope. There is a hole in the floor. They're counting on him not trying. They're counting on, like, gentleman's word of honour. Like, don't try to escape, please.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like he's an officer in the Napoleonic War. Like, he's given his word that he won't try to escape. So Blofeld realises that things are going a bit tits up because the marines and felix leiser and uh willard white start to assault the thing and he gets a cool moment where he's like special effects budget has been spent on sean connery because this sfx is terrible yeah do you want to see a helicopter blow up well do not watch this movie um he like unfurls the bases defenses and they could have reused footage yeah yeah. They could have reused the footage from

You Only Live Twice, where they showed the same helicopter blowing up like five times. Blofeld, what's the other thing we know about Blofeld, is that he's a coward, right? Or, he's the only person in these movies with a sense of self-preservation. And so, as shit starts to go wrong, he picks up a phone,

and he says, Fucking excuse me prepare my bathhouse sub immediately your what my bathhouse sub prepare my bathhouse sub i can't say submarine because i'm a homosexual where one of the one of the henchmen the senior henchman is like this is going tits up like and he's like no shut up like return to your post and then he kind of idles over to a phone and he's like, prepare my bathosub. What a bathosub. I didn't get that. He had that, like, second in command.

He was like, this is going terribly. I'm freaking out. And he'd been freaking out for like 10 minutes by that point. And the question that I thought Blofeld should have asked him is, okay, now you think it's gone weird. Now you think it's gone weird I have a drop Which I originally was I forgot it because I was originally going to use it for The theme instead of L Mr Bond

Which is when his second in command Is like listen they've got to Acquiesce to your demands They can't attack us He's like Great powers flexing their military muscles Like so many impotent beach boys Excuse meent beach boys.

Excuse me? The beach boys. Are you familiar with the works of the beach boys? The beach boys. I enjoyed Sloop John B, but the other jerks were dirge to me, Mr. Bond. Impotent beach boys. But genuinely, he should have just said to his second-in-command, okay, so you were fine with

diamond laser satellites blowing up actual nukes, but you don't want to go for a swim, you know? Come on, man. Come on. The best thing is his second-in-command is like some environmentalist guy that he's just managed to get on board by being like, yeah, this will make world peace, definitely.

Oh, yeah. And he's like, I don't being like yeah this will make world peace definitely oh yeah and he's like i don't think this is gonna make world peace anymore yeah but blowfold loves fucking ease easily tricking these guys yeah so so blowfold tries to escape in the bath it's not like a credulous hippie to get wallet inspected by an evil multi-billionaire i've never heard of this kind of thing happening blowfold tries to escape in the batho sub, which is just literally like a little tiny submarine, and Bond takes control of the crane it's attached to, and like the blunt instrument he is

disables the super weapon by slamming Blofeld into it repeatedly. Um, great. That's kind of funny. Yeah. In a scenario where he's repeatedly had access to several machine guns yeah no he just like hits it with a crane and this works he like saves the world again he goes for the the special environmental kill so he can get the spinning silver 007 above his head

like in his head he says that yeah himself. Yeah. Tiffany is blown overboard when she tries to shoot somebody, and the recoil from the submachine gun knocks her off the edge of the thing. And then Bond just dives after her. And that's it. Except, we have one last loose end to tie up,

which is Mr. Wint and Mr. Drill. We've got some gay assassins yeah so so bond and tiffany are going home on a cruise ship yeah and uh it's all inclusive mr bond yes two two gay waiters arrive mr wint and mr drill uh in waiter in waiter garb. And they are preparing them like shashlik, like kebabs, salad utopia, and

four... Well, I mean, I'll just give you the drop, shan't I? For dessert, the pièce de résistance. Our bomb surprise. Now, at this point Mr. Kid is arming a

Clockwork bomb Which he is putting under a Cake shell Yeah, it's a smart way of killing someone Yeah, the bomb surprise They've had two attempts at this so far And they've gone, okay, we've been beating around the bush a bit too much Yeah, we're gonna kill him with a bomb

We tried cremating him, we tried putting him in a pipe, question mark. We're gonna go for a nice, clean, sensible kill. Yeah, instead, however, Don't fuck with the clockwork bomb. Bond, once again, on a ship that we are on. Yes. Genius. All I have to say.

Very clever idea. L, Mr. Bond. So, Bond does the fucking red wine with fish thing again, right? He... The wine is quite excellent. Although for such a grand meal, I had rather expected a claret. Of course. Unfortunately, our cellar is rather poorly stocked with clarets.

Mouton Rothsch stocked with claret. Mouton Rothschild is a claret. Fucking got you, see? You think you're pretending to be a sommelier but you don't know about a claret and you definitely weren't just obliging me because I can get you fired. Anyway, also, I can smell your gay aftershave

and I've smelled that before, so I know you're the same guy who put me in that pipe which I don't know why I'm taking so personally, because I just walked out of there. I know you tried to pipe me. I know you tried to give me that pipe. I know you tried to pipe me. Plenty of tools, Dad. Given the way that they both look and behave,

and they're like, they shuffle in uninvited with these suspicious trays of weird-looking prop food, going, oh, hello! And one of them looks like, you know, an evil serial killer suspect guy with a lank hair. Looks like my brother on

Stag. Yes, exactly. And they're both kind of eyeing him like, well, and up to the claret point, James Bond is like, two perfectly normal waiters. I see no reason to... They do like everything up to the fucking, like, Nosferatu suspicious

walk of, like, oh, how are you doing, Mr. Bond? We hope you're having a murderous cruise, Mr. Bond. Yeah, so they then try to kill him. Mr. Wint tries to strangle him with, like, a tasse de vin on a

chain. Mr. Kid comes at him with a couple of flaming kebabs again a gun would be quite good not really clear what he intended to do with those stab him with the flaming kebabs i guess bond throws alcohol on him and he catches light and falls into the ocean yeah once again Kvossier. Once again, another sort of moment, Mr. Wint is seemingly very upset that his partner has been killed, and redoubles his effort to kill Bond. But, we're not getting out of this movie without homophobia, right? So the way in which Bond kills him is to pull the tails of his waiter coat, like, up between his legs, causing him to make too, like, if you, if I had to explain the concept of a homophobic noise, it would take too long, but like, if I just give you the drop, you'll know what I mean.

Ooh! Oooooooh! Yeah, it's just like... I like how...'s just seen his murder his murder husband get set on fire and fall off the side of a ship but that's no excuse not to have a good time having your not even genitals but just between your legs vaguely touched by james getting getting a wedgie essentially off of James Bond is enough to send me into a flight of rapture.

And then he like flips him off the... Okay, sorry. First of all, he ties the fucking clockwork bomb to him and then just like flips him off the edge and he explodes upon contact with the water. Which again, the bomb does no damage to the boat that they're on. No one even fucking notices. He threw a chunk of like alkali metal into the water.

That's right. Immediately on contact. That's the movie. No one has ever attacked... When he has the flaming kebabs and he goes for James Bond, he moves as slowly as I would move if I was trying to be careful with some flaming kebabs. He's still in server

mode, don't worry, he's doing his best. He's like, also, once the kebabs catch light, the actor changes into asbestos gloves in between shots. Yeah, so that's the movie, that's Diamonds Are Forever. What did we all think?

How was our experience of watching this movie? It was a busy, busy film. Almost two hours. It went on a bit. There's no pacing to it. It's not edited in any way. I enjoyed discovering that the comedian Shady Trees is a real comedian,

or was. They've got a real stand-up, a real old school. There's clips of him on late night shows and stuff it's very strange they think you think they would have let him tell a joke yeah the bits he did weren't good yeah there's like three jokes that i was initially going to be very scornful and then i remembered all the times that i've ever seen a non-comedy show try and portray stand-up and they don't let the stand-up guest starring in it do their own jokes or studio

whatever it was, Aaron Sorkin where they were like okay we're going to do a drama set behind the scenes of a comedy show and all the comedy sketches will be written by the drama people you go okay please don't do that I can tell you right now that's not going please hire one student review

would be better than whatever your fucking Agatha Christie ghost writers think are comedy sketches so I would have held that against Shady Trees but then I thought the poor guy has had to amuse Barbara Broccoli that is awkward

it's a shame we have a science-based system on this podcast. We do. A unique patent pending. The Scum Spectrum. We rate out of 007 Smarm, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. So what are we

going to give this film on Smarm? I think it's pretty high, but not a full set. I think that's pretty high, but not the full set. I think that Bond gets out-smarmed by fucking Blofeld in this movie. I think he does. You press L, Mr. Bond. The word lobby begins with L.

Fucking owned. In fact, he has a line about being smug. As La Rochefoucauld observed, humility is the worst form of conceit. I do hold a winning hand. Fucking goddess ass, you know? Yeah. I think Bond himself might have a slightly lower smile than usual.

Hmm. How are we feeling about a four? Five? Want to go higher? I could see a four. I could see a four. I could see a four I could see a 4 Is this out of 007?

Yes it is Now Cultural insensitivity I mean it's not as racist As previous Bond films but gay culture Is a culture I don't I mean the whole diamond smuggling

Sequence at the start is not The greatest Attrail I don't I mean the whole diamond smuggling sequence at the start is not the greatest let's forget Zamora from Nairobi South Africa turning into a gorilla I mean at least I guess at least it depicts the diamond industry in South Africa

under apartheid as corrupt that's something yeah you know fine and it's not as if the racism was central to the plot they just went okay he beats up two racial archetypes at the start and then there's a bit of diamond africa shenanigans but mainly it's vegas baby yeah yeah yeah and also next movie we're gonna have to yeah yeah yeah a hundred victims in this. Yeah, yeah, 100%. On the racism part of the spectrum.

But also, the film is very, very homophobic. And I think it has to get... Because gay culture is a culture. True. So I think we've got to score it fairly highly for that. I'm tempted to go as high as a six. Yeah, you've sold me on six easily. Yeah, you could sell me on six easily.

Yeah, it was a five till that last noise. Woo! It was all right up till... Woo! And then it was like... till that last noise. Woo! It was alright up till woo! And then it was like, alright. Woo! Woo! Yeah, that's your sex right there. The homophobic noise, yeah.

Unprovoked violence, surprisingly high for this one. He strangles a woman with her own bra in the first pre-credits sequence. Murders a man in cold blood in a lift.

It's high. It's very high. It's higher than any of the previous ones. It's weird that on the numbers this is going so high for a movie that is largely so forgettable to watch. I think maybe that's why. They've replaced the plot with lights and smoke.

They've just gone heavy on nonsense. They've replaced this plot with homophobia. I think Bond's just going from place to place and just seeing things happen around him. Yeah. What are we thinking then for unprovoked violence? It's gotta be high. Plenty of tool. It's gotta be like five maybe?

Yeah. That only leaves us with misogyny. Misogyny. Well, first of all, I've written here in my notes, Plenty of tool is the most unjustly treated woman in history. It's up there. She seems quite nice, and then it's just like,

wow, she was nice, wasn't she dead? It is fully just a Bunta Vista bit. Well, she's dead. She's dead. They tried to make her unsympathetic immediately by having her be like, you've lost all your money at gambling, slightly overweight middle-aged man,

so I'm not going to suck you off now. Do you want to know what that slightly middle-aged, slightly middle-aged, slightly overweight guy says? Well, that's it, Pussycat. Shot the whole wad. I was waiting for a chance to use that. That's it, Pussycat. Shot the whole wad. Do you want to go to my room and she's like,

oh, you're sweet, but actually, no, you're poor now. Sorry. And to be fair i respect it this doesn't make it unsympathetic to me you press l mr bob hey mr franks you want to send off tiffany does have a little bit more agency in this one and it's nice that she's closer to sean connery doesn't reform her either like at the very end she has a she's like hey hey can i can i ask you a question it's nice that she's closer to sean connery doesn't reform her either like at the very end she has a she's like hey can i can i ask you a question it's kind of early in our relationship but and like you're meant to think oh is she gonna marry him she's like how the

fuck do we get those diamonds back down and it's like that's quite fun i appreciate that yeah how do we get the diamonds back from space yeah how do we deorbit this and keep the diamonds intact? That's where you want to say, you know there are other diamonds, right? Like, you've been a smuggler this whole time. Yeah, I don't really understand these things I've been smuggling. Yeah. I imagine there's a very finite amount, and it's seven, and they're all in space.

So what are we thinking for misogyny, then? I can go as low as a three or four. I'd say three also because of the lesbian acrobat murder. I'm going to be thinking about Bambi and Thumper for the rest of my fucking life. He does beat a couple of women.

Not in the way they intended you to. No, but that's the thing. Much like the guy who replied to us about Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, I have simply, as with Rosa Klebb and her little interrogation scene, I have simply extracted the bits that I like from their context, and I'm going to squirrel them away for the rest of my life. So is this more or less misogynistic than the Lazenby one, which was a four?

I'd say equal. Okay. That's a four, which gives us a total score of 19, which is pretty good by the Connery standards. It's equal to From Russia With Love, and certainly not as bad as

Goldfinger, but still the best Bond film so far is still on Her Majesty's secret service that's right that is right never let them make you do a second movie uh only do one make sean connery come back and do it even though he's 90 years old um yeah great absolutely well this isn't the last we've seen of sean connery either because we are gonna have to do never say never again well at some point that comes quite later on though i don't think i've seen of Sean Connery either because we are going to have to do Never Say Never Again. Oh, Christ. At some point. That comes quite later on, though.

I don't think I've seen that either. Yeah, they've remade Thunderball. What? Yeah, they just did it again. Let's try that one again. Yeah, you're extremely welcome to come back on if you haven't suffered enough and watch Never Say Never Again. Never Say Never Again. What is the...

So it is just a straight remake? Yeah, pretty much. Pretty a straight remake yeah pretty much pretty much yeah pretty much why haven't I even heard of that yeah no hang on because it wasn't

it wasn't produced by Eon yes we do and in the meantime yeah never say never again 1983 film starring

Sean Connery based on the 61 Bond novel based on what that only remains for me to say. Thank you. First of all,

Pierre, where can people find you? Yes. Oh, you know, I'm enthralled to all the usual disgusting fucking websites like Twitter and Instagram and I guess Facebook if anyone over 50 is listening. I do some

sort of low I do some low commitment Twitch streaming if anyone's interested in that and I do a podcast with Phil Wang called Bud Pod which is fun

it's not really about anything you know like all the greatest podcasts. That's pretty much it. And then I guess it's literally, it's been illegal for me to do my job of stand-up for like 14 months now, but you'll find me whenever it comes back.

I might be doing it when does shit become allowed again? It's basically August, September. Piano Valley will return. I've seen i've seen yes it is very good i once went dressed as an admiral for no reason um hell was fucking yes are we the same person that's everyone's right uh yeah that's right i was officially an admiral on my bank account for some time uh thank you thank you for me admiral admiral alice cordwell kelly admiral abigail thorn admiral devon admiral piano account for some time thank you from me, Admiral Alice Caldwell Kelly, Admiral Abigail Thorne, Admiral Devon Admiral Pierre Novelli, this has been

Kill James Bond and we will return with Live and Let Die we're working out that fucking C score baby thank you for listening to yet another Working out that fucking C score, baby. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond.

Kill James Bond will return in two weeks' time to talk about Live and Let Die. I'm just coming fresh off the recording of that. So, A, I'm a little bit drunk. And, B, I'm insanely'm insanely mad so if you're looking forward to devon yelling oh baby two weeks time see you there the next bonus episode for patrons next week will be the man from hong kong a fantastic action movie which is an hour and three quarters long and features 18 minutes of dialogue i am not kidding when i say you're gonna want to a watch that actual movie and b subscribe to our

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