Upstream - S2E2: Agent Secret FX-18

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Alright look, I never said these movies would all be good. I just said it would be interesting. This one... this one wasn't either. In this heap of hot trash, secret agent Francis Copland is assigned to infiltrate some kind of boat-based smuggling operation. ------ THE MOVIES ARE ON STRIKE! SAG-AFTRA and the WGA are both on strike for a number of reasons, from pay for streaming residuals, to the rights to own your own appearance, to the right to not have AIs trained off your work. So if you've got a few spare pennies, why not chip in to help keep movies from becoming Shit Forever. https://entertainmentcommunity.org/ https://actionnetwork.org/fundraising/the-snacklist-support-striking-workers And if you're in the UK, the UCU could still do with some help https://www.ucu.org.uk/fightingfund ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond    

Hello sweetheart, you called me sweetheart, Marshall. Maybe that's because he likes you. Hello and welcome to one day I will get through one of these without sighing but the problem is Is it such a real sire's? No, no, no, it's just sighing, man Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I under protest Amela School, Bill Kelly. I am joined by my friends and I guess torturers Abigail Thorne and Devon. Hey, listen, I never said all of these movies would be good.

I said they'd be interesting to see how the films, how the films reacted to James Bond. This, this was also not that. It wasn't even interesting. No, this one was just no. The first 30 minutes are hilarious. And then it just gets real bad. This is gonna be a pretty riffs-based episode. Ah.

We saw FX18 secret agent, and you know it's good because IMDV can't decide on what the title is. It might be FX18, it might be FXDZWIT asion secret, it might have some like other shitton there. This is the first in a series of movies about a spy called Francis Coplin or Coplin. Oh, there's more. Yeah.

There's many more of this. There's more, but none of them star the same guy as Coplin. No, thank God. No, thank God. Yeah, thank God. Oh, well, actually, the actor does come back in our series, but he doesn't come back as this guy. It just dipped back into the fucking euros by money. We're going to become intimately familiar with the guy called Ken Clark.

And Ken Clark was this B movie actor who had a sort of a short career in Hollywood. They tried putting him in Weston's. He wasn't very good. He fell out of Hollywood and he ended up doing this. Like he did some, some like spaghetti Westons and he did some Euros by movies. Big man. Big guy. In the days where you could just like anybody was allowed to have an act in career.

I feel like over six foot someone will be like, hey, one of me on movies. Which to be fair is also like that did happen to me recently, but yeah, I also auditioned. There's something interesting to be said about this, right? Because I was talking with a friend of the show and the DSA LA organizer, NOSWARO Sykes, about why, something we talked about last episode, about why people looked different in 60s movies.

And the answer is, because of the GI Bill, and because after the war, working class white Americans got to go to school for acting and get cast and stuff, or just get cast and stuff off the basis of being a set carpenter or whatever, I think, Ken Clark was like a construction worker. Um, and yeah, that's why it's because you saw like a greater diversity of at least white American faces in movies that's his theory.

Oh. So I think there really is something to say about this. What about the women? What about the women? Yeah, I'm not sure. That's the stance of the movie. That's true. I mean, this is a movie that has a problem with women. I mean, I tend to see a lot of these and our line of work, but even so. So, yeah, FX18 is like this character, Francis Copp, I think he's meant to be like,

French or Belgian. And again, it's another one of these things where they rose a bunch of pulp novels and then they adapted this into six movies. He's never played by the same guy in this, in like two of them. Which really solid indicator that this is like a role that you want to be doing. These are movies you want to be acting in. Yeah, from 1957 to 1968, and this is technically the second one, but you know, it's the first one that's like in the Euro spy bracket, which is FX18 Secret Agent 1964. And incidentally, I will say this, and this is going to make it much funnier when I talk about how

bad this movie is. Academy Awardwinning director really who was it? There was like three directors at this point though They ran out of guys to give the Academy award to in 56 and was just like fuck it fuck it It's it's kind of the opposite way around actually on this director. Yeah, Maurice Clush He got like a sympathy Academy award. He got he won the best film in the foreign language in 1948. I don't know you you could win a sympathy academy. How do I get one of that? Go back in time to 1948.

That's just like we'd be friends. It's bad for you. Yeah, to be honest, I don't think going back to 1940 would be a particularly good idea for any of us. No. It's fine. I'm sure. We began. She even comes blonde, spawned bombshell and pop podcast.

We begin with a you can invent being trapped. We'll talk about what we've been over the second. I'm sure I don't I don't know I don't even care anymore about what we begin with. No, I'm sorry. I don't want to Please put you in a position where you have to talk about this movie, but I've made you watch and I'm also distracting you from talking about the movie. So I'm coming at you in both directions on this one. The first half an hour of the film is good. So it starts off with something that we love, which is the cigarette that kills you instantly. Yes, this bit made me sit up on my seat.

Now, it promised something the rest of the movie doesn't deliver, which is we start with a guy like assembling a special cigarette on a desk And I'm like, okay, but we just see his hands and then it pans up We got a kind of bondish theme and we get a like a shot of the face of some guy Okay Yeah, then a big W letter of peace on screen The theme song is fucked. It sounds like if you got a 50s, 60s big band to do the speed race of theme.

Yeah, no, it's right. It's like the most discount bond ever. It's like Aldi, Vodu, it's a trot. By the sacred laws of bond, right? The first guy you see doing spy stuff, that's not James Bond, right? That's double-o-night, right? That's some guy.

In this case, he's a bad guy. He's like, he's some like Tori MP looking mother fucker, walking around, france, suspiciously. His name's one of the two. His name's one of the two. We follow him. He knows in Rome because he does this gay little jog up the Spanish steps.

And then he deploys the cigarette that kills you. Instantly a guy, this artist is getting arrested by the cops, he leans out of around the corner, blows the cigarette at him and it fires a little dart with curari in it, like paralyzing the kill. It's the cigarette that kills you instantly. Yes, which was, I will fuck the twist. Yeah, the cigarette that kills you instantly. Yes. Which part of it was I all fucked a twist?

Yeah, the you is sort of like variable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. cigarette kills someone else. You've got a whole pack of like your pack of cigarettes is like a tool belt. It's got all different applications here. Don't get them mixed up. My, my row paro cigarette that I use,

if I need to like, shimmy up to any ledges. My like water cigarette to blow out candles. My noise maker cigarette. 1950s LA Dick like gum shoe James Bond all of his gadgets are cigarettes. All right, after the cigarette that's good for you, they need to invent the cigarette that contains like, help for gadget. Yeah, yeah, the cigarette that's good for you is in there too. That's like a battlefield ration.

He's got a cigarette that you smoke it and it deploys a skeleton key and you can like pick logs with it. Yeah. cigarette that regains between one and eight hit points. Mm-hmm, yeah, but it's on a die so it's never like the same every time. It's free.

If you need it, it's gonna be free. This painter is killed by the dangers of secondhand smoking. And then this Tory MP looking mother fucker, Noro throws a bomb through the window of his like painting. What can you just do that first? No, I'd have done that. You have to fuck around with the sick thing.

But then he puts on some sunglasses and walks away like, Ba da, ba da! Yeah, really frenetic soundtrack as you've... Yeah. It's got like one piece of music, and it's this like fucked speed racing. In this course, in the course of the scene, they can't decide. The direction can't decide whether or not he's being chased. So he spends half of it jogging away from stuff and then half of it just brazing it out

putting on sunglasses. But it's not in any meaningful sequence. It's a really poorly edited film apart from anything else. So you're just like, yeah, it's very badly edited before they invented good editing as well. Yeah, genuinely. So of course, now we have to go to M. brackets French. I love this. This is a little bit country of an M to be honest. Yeah. Yeah. This is Jacques Duc-Mine playing Le Vier, the old man.

And he goes, okay, well how many dudes do we know that have access to the cigarette that kills you instantly? Yeah. He's great. No computer. He's just there spinning ideas up in his mind. He's just there. He's like, all right. He's in a breakout room. He's mind. He's just sat his ass like all right I'm gonna break out with a Ferrari. That's he's got too bad. That was promising. I like to his pictures

And he's just like fuck it. There's only three guys left who can work with Ferrari and it's not these two arbitrarily So it must be this guy There's only three guys in the world who can work with Ferrari and two of them are dead and I'm like But you didn't want to say that because that's too convenient. Yeah, that's what. We've seen those guys on the files just for the sake of padding it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's actually an uncle a couple of times as well. And of course, like the one guy in the world is the guy we just saw was like Nora. Nora, yeah. And his ex wife, Musk of Nora. His ex wife is a smoke show, Badi, who lives in Rome.

So what do we do? We call our man in Rome. Yeah, and you do that by picking up the phone and going, get me Rome, and then they do. And what's our man in Rome doing? I have a cor- What did we cut to our hero? What's he doing?

Of course, he's lounging by the pool next to beautiful woman in a country. Makes sense. A couple of things going on here. First of all, this bond is a blonde, which until Daniel Craig was not acceptable. He is an alarmingly hairy man. Like he makes sure he looks like a twink. This guy is her stewed.

He looks like a legal. Yes. Yeah. 100%. He looks at his face is so leathery. Like he and his hair is so blunt, he looks like Roger Moore fucked Donald Trump. Like, he's sucking a credible crossover.

On the poster, he looks a bit like Trump, because it has the weird stances, like, Mimia graph. Yeah, it's strange. He is like, strangely Trumpian. Also, another thing funny about the scene is that the woman he's lying next to looks so bored. Yeah, so this is this is ostensibly Francis Copeland Copeland but because we got the English dub which is dubbed unintelligiblely. They change his name. I love his crazy. They change his name to cab tree. Yeah, what the fuck was that about?

Yeah, I've been calling her Crandall. So the thing, every name is changed, which means it's impossible, apart from like, Nauros to like put together who is who. That's fine. That's just great. That's not much of a problem. I'm just gonna call them FX18 because I'm not calling fucking cab tree like that's a name. That's not much of a problem. I'm just gonna call them FX18 because I'm not calling fucking cab tree, like that's a name.

So, so Em is like, yo, track down Nora's... Like on the street trying to come up with the surname. Yeah, you're, you're looking at the name. A cab tree. Em says track down Nora's Smokestho X-Wife and then immediately we cut to her in the bath. No establishing shots. This movie has none of us.

We just cut to her in the bath and he steps into frame. It's like hell, I'm in, what? Oh! This is the other thing that took me like 20 minutes to work out what was wrong with it is, aside from no establishing shots, there's no fate, only cut, which means that there's no distinction between the end of a scene.

So he just lurches from one to another. He like gets up, walks away from the pool, walks into this woman's apartment, is that? Everything feels like it's happening immediately. It feels like we're trying to rush things, which is weird, because the back off the film just drags. But of course, go and see the smoke show, what woman was she doing?

She's in the bath, she's naked, of course she is. Two things I want to point out here. First of all, as he's looking through her apartment, alarmingly tight pants. Like the... points out here, first of all, as he's looking through her apartment, alarmingly tight pants. Like the, some of the guys, like, very, very, like, prominent. And second of all, another sort of bond discrepancy, he's a big guy. He's like muscular, like, in a way that sort of, like, he would be, like, in an uncle film,

he would be the mini boss that you have to find in the gym, right? And this kind of pays off a little bit. They lean into it one time in one detail I like, which is he comes up to her in the bath. We get some sort of like porn level dialogue where she's like, I'm not at the beach. This is a bathtub. And then predictably a guy tries to like, it looks like you don't have a lifeguard, you're a beach. But predictably, a guy comes up, tries to hit us back in the head with a crowbar.

So what happens is, a henchman just steps into frame, really funny. There's no change of shot between the dialogue and the action. A guy, it's like dark place, a guy just steps in, goes, Hush up!

Every scene should be like bookended with a little thing that goes scene missing and it would make way more so. Yeah, just calm down. It's just calm down. It's just calm down. It's just calm down. It's just calm down.

It's just calm down. So the guy tries to hit him over the back of the head with a crowbar, right? And the thing that I like in this scene is that because he's such a big guy, I just say this in Trump voice every time, because he's such a big guy, he'd say this in Trump voice every time, because he's such a big guy, he just tanks it, he's just fine.

And that's the one piece of sense of humor about this, about itself, this movie has. Yeah, he's like, it's like, it's like, he'll chop. Yeah, is that, like, no, having him just get knocked out here is not believable. He's too large physically. Yeah.

The thing is that he's a big muscular guy, and obviously by the standards of the 60s he's meant to be very muscular and imposing. By today's standards, I think just because the standard for what a muscular man on film looks like has changed, he doesn't look unattainably jacked at this. It's kind of like a normal Australian. You could get this jacked in like, I don't know, six to nine months. It's not that difficult. With this patented program that we're selling yeah, yeah, the FX-18 diet plan

One thing I would like to do is just like maybe send one of our current unattainable bodies just back in time and see what they Mm-hmm. Yeah, I mean like any of us Yeah, of course We go but we go back to 1948 and I accidentally start the existence of like MTF transition, you know. But this guy's like 1.5 devins in terms of how Jack tears, like maybe 1.2 devins and it's like, thank you, which as we know, one devin is roughly,

oh, what's his name? Damn it, Bruce Willis in Die Hard is one Devon. John McQuite, yeah, yeah. And this guy's just about, just about two, I'd say. And he's so red, and his face is all wrong, and he doesn't wear suits. This is the most fundamentally miscast bond I've ever seen in my fucking life.

He's having one sun cream in his life, like, they put him in a suit in the end. It's terrible. So funny. Yeah. So clearly a guy who spent most of his career working in Weston's, who then... He's so John Wayne, yeah.

Happened to be in France at a time when they decided they were going to cash in on bond and just put him in the move. He's like, beach can. His job is just beach. Yeah. The dub isn't helping either, because it's given him a solidly John Wayne type voice. He's just be like, I share your taste in women the whole time. And I'm like, this isn't a bond.

I don't. Also, his dialogue is not swarved. I enjoy bourbon, especially when it's served at the correct temperature. His dialogue isn't swarved, because he goes into see this woman about just what do you want to go, you maybe we'll see. Hey, in the meantime, I'm looking for your husband. I said,

like, huh? And so she misdirects him. She's like, he's dead, by the way, there's a guy coming up behind you at the crowbar. He has this fight with a guy, and then he locks both him and her in the bathroom that locks from the outside, which is... Part of the film is missing, so that we just kind of suddenly jump and she's dressed, dry,

and out of the bath in like clown pajamas, as the fight continues. The fight is so bad. So it's so funny. There's no music to the fight scenes. No, no. It's one of the things that you need to understand. It's just the sound of these two guys hitting each other at the job. I can't say that enough.

They had one camera and a cameraman who was profoundly uncomfortable with you singing. Yeah. So the thing about keeping one shot for a long time is that above of anything else, sets start to look like sets. Yeah. And so they fight across this whole room and you're like, damn, that's not usually capacious and well stocked at bathroom.

Dave, you said in the group chat, the impression of watching this film is watching a school play. Yeah. That was about this scene. It's like one unbroken shot and then the acting is terrible. It just feels like a bad stage show. The thing about making a movie in Europe in the 60s is it was much like being like a ship's captain in the 1500s

is that you just go down to where all the guys are and you just point at them and be like, you're making the movie today, you're my cameraman today. Come on here, come on set. You just... So you get some information from her by... point at them be like, you're making the movie today, you're my cameraman today. Come on here, come on set. You just, you just, so you get some information from her by, I don't fucking remember.

And then just pulls it out of his ass. Yeah. Emma says, what's gonna happen in the movie is this? Yeah, and what I'm, Emma decides is gonna happen in the movie is, I'm gonna bring in a second guy. Is this the second guy? This is so funny. This is Murphy. This is like FX18's training.

It's Jimmy Olson. In the dub. In the dub. Like he's a sort of like normal-ish, younger-looking man. But in the dub, he has been voiced by a 12-year-old who's been doing a lot of voice training. Because, like, he's so funny. Do you expect it'd be wearing a little like propeller hat

when he's telling you? Yeah, he sounds like Jimmy Olsen, Superman's friend. Yeah, yeah. He's boy coded. He is the boy coded spy. He's new. He's like the new kind of,

he's just finished basic training. Yeah, he's a zoomer. He tries talking to the like, to M and M's, like, what does bus and no cap mean? Am I cap? Yeah. It's, but like the 1960s version of that,

where he like calls him buddy and M like takes this kind of like really sort of person. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like, very strange to realize that that was that era zoomers. Yeah. It's just like very strange to realize that that was that era of zoomers. Yeah. You know, this is the problem of showing up in the office with the sort of like TikTok pump. Murphy's like, fuck me in the ass. And I was like, you know, did you just say fuck me in the ass? And it's like, meaning for way or are you just using

that to make conversation? He's like, for real, for real, straight bus and a cap. It's like so true, bestie. Yeah. That's what happens in this fucking scene. How's it going to see? So M says, I'm going to send you in to track down whatever the fuck's going on in this film because they're not going to be looking for dipshits.

They're going to be expecting us to send. Now this is a smart tactic. They're going to be expecting us to send a good agent, but instead we're going to send you because you're an asshole. They're're gonna be expecting us to send a good agent, but it's over gonna send you, because you're an asshole. They're gonna be expecting us by not a guy filming TikTok, because I was phone. And Murphy goes, gotcha. He goes straight bus and boss, where am I dropping?

Straight bus and where am I going? And he goes, oh, it's this like travel agency in Marseille called A Cup. And I go, oh, what the fuck? It turns out it's a cop, which is not really any better, but it's because it's a really bad print of a bad dub of a bad movie. It's sort of like unintelligible.

I really struggled because like so much of this, of my job now is remembering a movie I saw the day before and recounting the narrative, right? Yes. With this, I really struck, to the point where I was like drawing a narrative, right? Yes. With this, I really struck to the point where I was like drawing a clock, right? To make sure I was still sort of like, compass-mentus because I cannot remember

a fucking thing that happens in two thirds of this movie. I said yes today. I watched this earlier today. And it's similarly just gone. Yeah, the editing is so bad, it just falls well out of your brain. But he says, right, go to Marseille and write a report or some shit. And let's go to Marseille and it is immediately captured. Next, he snoops around by just like walking slowly with

his arms completely straight by his side, just sort of looking around. Yeah, he searches a room not clear what the room is or what he's searching for. What? But gets immediately captured. That's the A Cup travel agency. Yeah, so he gets immediately captured. And then immediately killed him. How does he get captured though? Because like a shop back up.

Back up for that. No, no, no, it's a bit before that, right? There's two things here. First of all, one other bit of fun flair, which is somebody watching you through a like a portrait or something. They do that, but it's through like a sort of 1950s sun cream advertisement. So it's like a beautiful woman on a bikini in the eyes, a just like guy who is about to kill you eyes, which is fun.

And then second of all, they like cap jam with the uncle chop. And the boss comes in and goes, right, I want this Twinkib blisterated, put him in the city hit my headset. Like, they go zap my boy. They put the fucking device on him. They put him in the Oculus Rift. And then so they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, helmet, they're thrown a fire. So the bad guy is Mr. Butter, he's our lead bad guy for this movie.

You've got the drop. It's the best. Uh, and no one should have the little screams when he, oh my god, I don't know. I have all three, polish shit. So they put him in the fucking device, right? They put this like deconstructed wire frame tape deck on his head and they go, hit him and he goes,

ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! a frame tape deck on his head and they go hit him and he goes like you're gonna talk see and then he dies. Yeah because like we work it after like one of these. What they're doing is like just electrocusing him and I just really like the idea that like after one shot of this they have just given him ECT and Cure just right. But then we just give him two more, he just fucking died. And then the first he's like, ah, I feel much better now. Wow.

Holy shit. So he immediately dies and is immediately carried out of the room. The way, not immediately, right, because first the guy has to go, this guy is dead to inform the viewer, and what a guy does to establish this is he, like, kneels next to him, cups one of his tizzy's in two hands, and goes, he's dead as hard. Are you checking his fucking pulse? You just cracked the tip? They were really serious about the A Cup travel agency thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is nothing. Gift, this is crypto. This is crypto. This is crypto. Actually, I feel like we shouldn't be doing it like this. It should have been like an MST3K thing instead. Yeah, 100%.

It feels like the dub was done and the people dubbing it only had the script. That's the only way I can make sense of this is if they couldn't see the movie they only had. I have some thoughts about that later on, but so they just carry me out of the room and then Barter and one of the women who is with him, like go, all right, we got to flee to Mallorca, I guess. We're all gonna go and hide on the yacht. We're gonna go onboard the Mandubia, is the name of the yacht.

Wouldn't, literally, I saw this last night, and if you paid me a million pounds, I could not have told you the name of the fucking yacht. Yeah. So they go to the beach, there's this fucking hilarious moment where Mr. Bartor is with the sexy lady He's like his assistant whenever it just goes. I'm quite like Napoleon, you know Yeah, because he always makes his enemies fights on the ground. He has chosen

Apparently, it's just such a like we need a moment whether whether bad guy like says something intimidating or like You know that bit in fucking Jack Ryan where Kenneth Branagh has the painting of the pain Yeah, or you know He bit in the fucking Jack Ryan where Kenneth Brannock has the painting of the painting. Yeah. Or you know, he's got something to his stuff. I'm like, you know, the great villains of history. And then he just goes, I'm like Napoleon. What?

He just says it. Yeah. Yeah. So they get him, they get him on board the boat. And then we get a weirdly involved and detailed and specific body disposal scene. And this is something I think about a lot, right, is that like in old movies, right, it's a bit like the anarchist's cookbook, right?

In old movies, they hadn't realized yet that people would mimic stuff they saw on screen. And so you can actively learn things from old movies because they hadn't figured out that like, for this bomb making scene, no, we need to be as realistic as possible. We've got some guy who did it in the war. We just have a maker fucking bomb instead of like touring an ear and my a flask of chemical X into chemical Y, right? No, it's just like the guys actually doing the thing. In the same way,

we got a bunch of guys to like stuff a dead body in an oil drum, fill it with concrete, weld the oil drum clothes, and then like, move it and dump it in deep water. And it's just, it's shot, sort of in a very uninspired way, but this is the one moment that actually has a sort of, like, darkness to it, it's like, you motherfuckers are not acting.

I have seen you're acting, you're not good enough at it. You've done this before. Yeah, they do him like Jan Marseille. Oh yeah, no, he's gone. It's crazy. I think this was from before they realized that spy movies and mob movies are kind of not supposed to be extraordinarily the same.

I think that was like early bleed between those genres. Well, so I don't give a shit about Murphy. So it doesn't really, I don't care. You don't care about, you don't care about him. He's gonna get his life. He's gonna get his life. Three cents. They were like, he said straight pass and they send him

over, he gets killed. He never has a scene with FX18. So when I say 18, much later, finds out about his, oh no, not Murphy, I'm like, were you guys friends like yeah not my zoom approach So also at this point we meet Lila Yes, we do The Lila Lila I shouldn't tone would you like to know what Lila's characters? That's it whole thing I think yeah, so there's some shit going know what Lila's character is? I'm a woman. That's it.

Whole thing. I think, yeah. So there's some shit going on with Lila. Yeah. Marget Coxies is playing Lila. And so Lila's deal is she's a beautiful blonde woman. She like hangs out in the boat. And she has a question mark flirtation scene.

So it's like a dueling misogyny, right, with Noro. Where he's... Well, there's something that we need to like, like preface with Lina, it's like she's not just a beautiful blonde woman who's hanging out on the boat. Hmm. There's no other way to say it.

She's child coded. Like, she has like the, she has bunches in her hair. And she like noticeably drops several times that she's like, oh my god, Ian wouldn't like that. It's like they're specifically portraying her as like young and like manipulable. A dubious tradition of just doing this with women that the movie also wants you to find sexy, I mean. I never learned to read. Exactly, yeah. It's, we're back to, I never learned to read.

Yeah, and before that, I mean, there's plenty of like women in the Connery Bond movies for a code of that way, as being sort of like childish because, you know, women are important. Well, I mean, that's almost a direct quote from the fucking film. Yeah, absolutely. So, Noro then tries to seduce this childhood woman. I should also say that the captain of the yacht, the Mendovia, who, you know, is the captain who's got a captain's hat on, is the most bullied man in the world, but also wildly in love with him. Yeah.

Every time this guy does anything, like he just gets bullied in a sort of nautical theme by the nearest person to him, which is not a trait that you want on a captain I don't think, but like he's just like standing by the thing when they're like dumping the zoomer overboard, and Naro on his way to nontop this woman in passing goes Oh, and he go fucking reef some knots. You can't

Yo ho ho bitch. It's the main price that I'm looking for a nautical themed bullying Me up. I don't know so so Noro Flirts with leader by explaining his evil plan, which is that, oh, you know, we're specter basically. I have a science device and what we do is we steal information from military bases. Oh, the way they introduce the device is so funny because they're kind of like flushing which is to say that they're armen arm and just saying adjectives to each other. Which is like trying to get information out of him

and he's like, hmm, intelligent for a woman. And she's like, yes. And he's like, hmm, obstinate for a woman. And she's like, hmm, and he's like, hmm, perspicacious for a woman. And then, it's gross. And then his phone goes off in like the closet of the boat room. And he goes,

excuse me, I've got to take that. Please excuse me while I retrieve the device. Hey, and a little girl's off on his phone. He's like, oh shit, it's prime time. I've got a person who's, uh, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he sets up this little antenna. I'm log on to Discord and like communicate with the boys. And a little laptop and he's like, what's up YouTube here? Is today's P-Color. You can get famous for anything these days.

And that's beautiful in many ways. He's a micro influencer. I'm huge. I'm huge on like P-colour updates, Tumblr. He sets up this little fucking antenna and he's like, by the way, one of these switches is booby-trapped. I'm just volunteering this information now so it'll come in handy later. So the idea is that, like, what they do is they steal information about allied military bases and shit

And they transmit that information around it's all coordinated from the yacht And he's got like a satellite transmitter that like beams this information up and they're giving it to the other side Which I'm guessing is the Soviets Yes, they never say that though the movie actually kind of hedges its bats on who's about to win the Cold War, which is really on who's about to win the Cold War, which is really... Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, I guess. It's almost like the makers of the Stormlight, well, one of the Soviets won't be just still like the movie.

If there are T-55s parks in the Shams of Lise, we want to be able to release this movie unaltered. So, you know, the other side of this. Yeah, we don't want to spend any longer thinking about producing this movie that we possibly can. And then having logged on and you know, checked in with the boys on Discord, Noro then kisses Leela. She goes along with it, but it doesn't seem, I wouldn't say she seems

in theory as thick. No. At this point, I believe we now have to go back to, back to Paris where M drags FX18 out of retirement by calling him and yelling at him on the phone again. And he's easing next to the pool with another sexy lady. And then M. Caulzen was like, yo Murphy's dead. And I'm like, oh no, not Murphy. Not my boy. Not Murphy. He was only 60 years away from retirement. So, so this guy, he has one good line in this scene, one funny line, although it's funny

in a problematic way when you think about it, which is the woman who he has been like sunbathing next to this whole time goes, when we be back, and he's like, if I'm not back in three days, have breakfast without me, the problem is, right. This is where the movie goes off the rails. Yeah, this is where it stops me, funny. Yeah, he drags FX 18 back to Paris. There's a scene where he briefs him, but FX 18 isn't in the shot because Ken Clark just didn't want to be in this one. I don't one. So they just do it without his face and his hand is like sort of reaching out from one side of the shot to like play with M's desk toys.

I wonder what they were doing. I was like, why isn't your leading man in the shot? No, they just didn't do that scene and they just had to do it without him. Like, it's just a guy's lower body. That's like a Ken Clark double who's like in order to prove he's still in the scene is like busy fucking with like Newton's cradle and stuff on M's desk. He keeps just his next to interact the whole time.

Who made this? Why? Ward winning at third director. Academy award winning director Maurice Blasher. Was the war the most improved? Is it a remedial academy award, David? So at this point, he goes, I'm going to give us a joke.

In order to disrupt this plot, first you must become Corsican. Second of all, for extra special cover you will be issued a wife. Yeah, not just a wife though. For extra special cover you will be issued two men. Just two men. Go undercover and find out, it's a question mark. You'll be accompanied by another agent who's going to

pose as your wife Patricia now whatever you do don't fuck her and also we will send two criminal dipshits with you don't fuck them yeah I don't think we ever like find out their name and mine is I just call them the spaghetti brothers mario and she's called him good one and two. But yeah, the, the, the, John and Manuel and the draw and, and the dub and then on the cast list, they're ligay and fondant. But like, yeah, they are two dipshits. You can tell one of them's a dipshit because, because he's wearing like a, sort of like a cheque suit top, which is always like the mark of a clown. And they go, okay, well, let's get into trouble with the boy FX18.

And it is like a boy's trip. And I appreciate that dynamic. The other thing I appreciate is that they immediately go, listen, we're not going to break any laws around a thing. We promise M, leave, and go, right. So we're just like blowing up this yacht and sinking it or what? Which is great for two reasons, both because it's like a break from the usual bond thing, but second of all,

because having three French secret agents go, like responding to the stimulus yacht with sink is inherently funny if you are aware of the rainbow war. Yeah, that is, yeah, that is darkly funny. I've been, I've stood on the deck of the rainbow warrior in fact, I've dived it. It's a, they fuck shit out. You stood on the deck, you had these explosives in your hand

and like, a miniature French flag in the other hand. Um. Um. Then we get another fight. Yeah. We've got a me walker, fuck shit up. And so FX18 says to the spaghetti brothers, right, what you're going to do is, I need you. I need you. There's two women on this yacht, right?

Leela and question mark. Nina? Nina? Whatever. So do you use them, yeah, question mark. Do spy cops shit to them? Like, like you know how sex with them under under false potential. So funny. It's so it's so funny for a Bond movie to do like instead of any gadgets we're just gonna give you a full party like we're just giving you three

companions. We've got to use some guys. Yeah it's quite funny that instead of giving him any gadgets just like here's two guys. It's too good to tell if you are. One thing I will say about these goons, by the way, is that one of them, the bigger one, I don't remember whether he's a legei or not, but he's a much better actor. He's the only one with any charisma in the whole fucking movie. Yeah, Mario. He's like clearly also like a wrestler by training because, oh yeah, the scene. He does. He's just wrestling motherfuckers and he's great Yeah, he's the Adave Pateaster. Yeah, absolutely. He's he also like genuinely. This is given this guy the job

But he does he does get a fascinating insight into 1960s French regional nationalisms Also, that's that's the voice they give him. That's the voice they give him. I also have that. So they go down to New Yorker and they notice Lila being harassed by two sailors. And so they're like, oh, here's our opportunity. So like, you know, get in with her. So they jump in, they fight these sailors, the silly music.

One more time if you have a music. Yeah, like one of the sailors is a man of What time if you have no music? Yeah, what a sailor. What a sailor is a man of color and he does have a line. So at least we're doing better than the last movie we want. He also gets punched to the ground, arrives sort of like head first at a beautiful woman's feet and just kind of stairs at them Tarantino like for a minute until his boss makes him get back in the fight. So representation for non normnormative sexual analyses, I suppose.

The representation for fellow took a wuger when they see a hot name's ankles. And that's fine. That's right. That's right. So, at this point, our boy FX18 shows up, he's wearing like a dipshit trill, be in sunglasses. Oh, no, sorry.

Well, first of all, Lilo is grateful to Mario and Luigi for rescuing her. And then they leave her and Arlene is the name of the other lady. I thought we were going to get back on the Mandubi and sail away, but they tell the spaghetti brothers where they're heading. Yeah, Mallorca, dang. Two some grotto or whatever. Jam Legrot. And yes. At this point, Francis and Patricia arrive, he's dressed as Drill in a fedora. Yes, yeah. Yeah.

Can we make that the episode out? I'll go back and find it. Yeah, that'd be he wearing like a trill. A trill being sunglass as he looks like Drill. Patricia is, you know, let's not say that this is a dynamic that the genre has outgrown because it's the same one that happens in Casino Royale, right, it's just fucking polished over a little bit

where he's like, oh, interesting, I'm gonna have to be husband and wife and she's like, no, strictly business, except here because we don't have the intervening 80 years or whatever of polish, he just like grabs her around the waist and sexually menaces her. This is like sexual battery. This is a crime. She even has to say, please don't.

He has the worst line in the movie to my mind. She's trying to get involved in the mission. He's like, no, you're just part of the scenery. I'm like, yeah, disgusting. Fuck this guy. Fuck this movie. Yeah let's move fucking blows. She's putting her life on the line for her country which is France. I'll be France. Or whatever she's from she's putting her life on the line for it like very joke band the community. I don't know my country is but I will die for it like very joke and the country is. But I will die for

it. So at this point, or oh my god, this is they they in the blowjob brothers go to dinner to like spy on a guy and so two things. First of all, so they have a series of bits about ordering drinks, right? Where the two blowjob brothers, they order like a workman's whiskey, which is a white wine, and then

they order a bunch of... A Russian cherry, which is a red one. Russian cherry. Yeah, and make front of the ways if they're not knowing what these are. But then, the way to get around to FX-18. Give me a lemonade with a big scoop of cream, please. Yes, madam. A fuser? A tomato juice. Anything in it? Yeah, some milk. The FX-18. What the fuck?

I call it a rusty venture. I mean, like... You're gonna kill this guy. You gotta take this guy out. Of all the fictional drink orders, I've ever heard I believe this may be the worst my my guy That is soup Yeah, I guess I like to talk Collins glass full of gaspacho, please That is a soup you have ordered soup What the fuck at your croutons with the fact this is clearly meant to be a joke because like One the guy that they're watching goes with a drink or like that they must be American tourists.

Yeah, that's the thing about a joke is that it's not funny. I mean not not also to let lemonade and cream slide what. Yeah, I just really like the sensation of like cream curdling in my mouth. I guess. That's one thing in this scene. The other is that we go back to the blowjob brothers and this is where I learned something about the dub, right? Which is you remember from House of Gucci,

a little expression. Moff, moff, moff, moff, moff. Faster. So French like Italian has a like a, a, a, a, a, b, right? Like B-O-H, B-O-F, whatever. There's a bunch of different ways of pronouncing it. However, one of them that doesn't exist is... Red wine is really this?

Bull. No, that's, that, well, that is, is an English speaker reading from a script and going, Bull, and I read on your... What? This is sort of like, yeah, give me like your best ox noise please. Yeah, just seeing like a transliterated local mannerism and being like, okay, I see what I can do.

This is delivered in a low monotone. Red wine is really this, bo. It just, ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! But I genuinely after listening, after watching this movie, Oh, I just... AHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHH!

AHHHHH! But I genuinely after listening, after watching this movie, I was just playing these... To myself and laughing. That was so fucking... It's not like the Golden Iron 64 guys getting shot. Hell! I'm gonna work for all my life to make sure that that's the noise I make when I die. What if you die like normal style?

What if you die like the age of 97 in an NHS hospital? You just go out, it's like surrounded by family. It's not gonna be NHS hospitals where 97 there might be. 50 there won't. Nurse, nurse holding your hand and you know that the monitor goes flat and you just Lay out a and then go complete go completely limp Perfect just right I'm like just immediately. Yeah, ragdoll like I've just

The option to lose it or inventory appears and it's not a level pickpocket. It's just take The entry appears and it's not a level pick pocket, it's just take. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a red chest or anything, it's just like a normal one. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't have anything worth taking at that point. What's my inventory going to be in an NHS hospital when I'm dying?

Gown, you take off the gown and like, I guess. I got skin drugs. A lot of them. Yeah. Yeah. Pockets full of them. Yank right out of the bloodstream. So, um, at this point,

AAAAAAAA! My- at this point, it gets like the last chapter of Gravity's rainbow in my notes at this point. Time and meaning start to sort of like, D-co-less. Um, I-I'm sort of like partially convinced that this was actually a secret movie adaptation of infinite jest. I just like I don't know what happens next. The only thing I know that I have to watch this one if you're following along. My next note says no fades between scenes only cuts time has no meaning anymore. Yeah. Well, so a couple of things happen is the FX18 and Patricia. No, fades only cuts.

So bloody. What a bummer. This is what they killed Murphy over. Yeah. FX18 and Patricia go to Valdemosa Monastery, which is a lovely place where I have actually been in real life. And they. There's an agent of the French secret service.

Yeah, just before I kill those green-faced people. And so they get like a secret case. They swap cases with a contact. And FX they get like a secret case, they swap cases with a contact, and FX18 gets a gun, which will be important later. Oh, yeah, yeah, he gets a gun in the radio. And then he's like fucking around with this gun. And he gets put in the alley in the alley carom-based situation, right? Because Patricia, in the course of hanging out with him two times, has gone from strictly business, Mr. Bond to why won't you fuck me in the ass now, Mr Bond, in the same way as like fucking every

other movie of this genre still to this day. Like there is no fucking movie apart from, and I shit you know, this is like Austin Powers One that attempts to subvert the trajectory from strictly business. We just worked together to, no, this boundary's coming down eventually and pretty soon I actually will want you to have sex with me.

Like, generally, we were rushing to see it go the other way. Yeah, no. I mean, a spy movie that's like the romance is a breakup and then they become colleagues at the end, that would be kind of good. But like, what kind of message does this end as a sort of a fantasy thing that you can't just have a woman like work with you?

She has to like be worn down eventually to the point of like wanting to fuck you. But it happens off screen. So the men watching the film presumably in the 60s don't even get the fantasy of like, oh, he uses just the right line or whatever, it's just like off screen, she has a lemonade and cream and then it's just like, I want your calm in my ass.

She's like, I need something to take the taste out of my mouth, please. This is the closest thing. So washed 60s dick. Yeah, also. Unbashed, unshaved 60s man dick. His solution for the Ali Haram Basadjoite being bothered for sex by a woman is so rude, which is he just he gets up grabs her like under the us like in a sort of like fireman's carry and they just like dumps her in bed and goes back to his spy paperwork question mark.

Yeah, what the fuck was that? Doesn't even really add anything to the movie, they're like, none of this needs to be it. No! Anyway, the whole movie is shit, but like it's... This part doesn't even need to be in it. So back on the boat, Noro's talking to Lila and Arlene, and they're like, look, the spaghetti brothers, they're spits, right? We all know they're spits, they're like, yeah, they are cool.

So they say, okay, Lila and Arlene, take them for like a walk and like make it look like you're gonna fuck them and then we'll take care of the rest. So Lila takes Mario for a walk on the beach and the implication is just like, how about a walk to my pussy? You know? She tries to warn him to run. Not very hard, but yes. I also do want to say that both in the fight scene and kind of in this, it's not much right because of the direction the other things, but this allegedly Corsican guy has more charisma than the protagonist of the movie.

He does a great job. He's fighting and this is great, shame about the editing. The good wrestler, but he gets overpowered and captured. And the whole next 90% of the movie is guys talking into radios for some fucking reason. But your boy FX18 has followed him for some reason. You're a really cool cave. Yeah, to a really cool cave where he's getting tortured by getting beaten and he's kind of shrugging it off because he's a cool guy and he's tough. Luigi's also been captured. Yeah, Luigi gets captured kind of as an afterthought.

Luigi's not really in this movie. And so FX 18 rescues them. And in the process, like kills a couple of guys and captures Leela. Now, one thing we get shot, the thing is there's no music in this fight sequence, so it's just really flat. There's no music in the fight.

It's the classic sort of man from Uncle Thing too where the woman gets killed, but she has to get killed by accident because you can't have a guy kill her. So she just like gets sort of like thrown in the path of a bullet. It's dumb. So one thing we established earlier at this monastery is that the code phrase for identifying yourself as a member of this like, you know, the good guys is something about the fucking the orange blossom.

The sense of the orange trees must be lovely or something like that. So Leela is like, I'm not going to tell you anything, I love working with respect to it. It's cool. And gets slapped. That's why. So first of all, FX 18 slaps her across the face. She then pulls a gun. Yeah. And he just like hits it out of her hand and like beats it. The same problem as a OSS Sunday set. You can't keep very bushy guns. So he beats her We cut to Mario and Luigi off screen. We hear the noise of her being beaten more. It's like pretty

Yeah, we cut back and he's like spanking her Yes for comic effect He's got her over his always that may affect Yeah, that's the that's why we cut back to Mario and Luigi's because they're laughing about it. And as you, the viewer are meant to also, because this is the correct way to treat a child like woman. And then, at the end of all this, she goes, oh, by the way, the fucking orange blossoms,

because I've been undercover the whole time for the good guys, the whole time. I mean, this is obviously terrible and extremely bleak and it's gonna ratchet up the M on the skumsist. It's worth. However, I do want to hold out some credit for a me style move of knowing perfectly well that you could defuse the situation instantly

and still trying to engineer it to kind of top from the bottom to get spanked You would hold off your review That code phrase is like a safe word for her and accidentally that's a little bit funny All right, yeah, the way that it's intended Terrible the way that I am choosing to read it funny She reports and she's like, yo, I'm the secret agent in the mandu, you fucking dipshit. Like she then cries and he kisses her on the nose as he would have child. Yes, deeply fucked. And then sort of after this, for more or

less the whole rest of the movie, she exists in this strange space when the movie can't remember whether she is like one of the good guys or their prisoner. She's like tied up for half of it too. Which again, it's me move, right? But like. So FX18 doesn't tell anyone else that she's on their side. She's taken as a quote unquote prisoner. At this point, we nudge up the violin score as well

because FX18 has some boys. He has some dudes who are helping him now, apparently. So they snorkel deeply funny. They snorkel up to the mandubia in broad daylight, somehow unabserved because they didn't have the bunch of snorkels. They snorkel up to you in broad daylight. Obviously they meant it, they stealthily infiltrate the boat, but they shot it during the day and didn't have ski work with them, so they're just very obviously snorkel to the boat. Yeah, they didn't have the sort of know-how to do day for night.

Yeah. Also a much better French movie we could have watched. So instead we just have like approaches you at snorkeling pace. Yeah. Splish, splish, splish, splish, like yeah, very obvious. And then they get a board and they're like, oh, captioned Noro alive, kill everyone else. A capsule of the captain alive too, because we need him for this next scene.

A captain and Noro and kill everyone else. So they kill the entire crew who are like, unarmed. Yeah, they just stab him. Yeah. Paratical, sure. Then, so they don't find Noro, but they, so they just left with the captain. So what they do is they set him up in a room, opposite Leela, and then this woman just fucking loves to get tortured for work.

Like, it's contrived at this point. I don't think she knows this is going to happen. No, no, again, this is me fucking adhering a bit to the thing because the actual thing is fucking atrocious. But Mario still thinks that she's a prisoner and Mario like, first of all, pushes her over. And the idea is when the captain wakes up, he's in love with Leela. FX-18 does not clear this with her over. And the idea is when the captain wakes up, he's in love with Lila. FX-18 does

not clear this with her first. So the plan is like, okay, we're going to interrogate the captain, and if he doesn't tell us where Nora is, we're going to make him watch Mario beat Lila, which is what happens. Yeah, and it works, torture works. But torture on someone else. And like, Mario is just like this enormous man, this is like huge, well, it's just like beating this woman. Like it is fucking disgusting. Yeah, and it shot that way too, like, and again, there's the sort of the texture of this within the movie

is that like, this is maybe a bit ruthless, but like fine, basically. Like, it's not intended to be a sort of like, when this really shows you the fucking, you know, the dark heart of FX18 or whatever, it's just like, no, this is sort of like much of a muchness. This works, he tells them where the device is, which is just a closet, which she knew because she had seen it and that she already...

What was the purpose of this? What did they need to learn? No, I was not here. We know, like the satellite issues here, we know. Yeah, and then she has to go, like, still within her cover, oh, by the way, don't hit that button because that button's fucking booby-trapped. Um, and then at the end of all this, standing in the doorway about to leave,

FX18 blows her cover in front of the guy she got, like, tortured in front of in order to protect it. By the way, she's been working for the whole time. And Mario is horrified. Well, not really. He's fine. This is what I put in the... I was like, this is a truly live and let dial level being abusive towards a deep cover

agent. She's on your side. Are you fucking stupid? Because what's happening in your head? M.A. FX 18. What is even going on? It's I don't so the anyway, so then then some inexplicable shit happens They go up to the go up to the top deck. Somebody's found Murphy's wallet. Oh no, Murphy not him. We're a gunshot downstairs Mario has shot the unarmed captain. And then Lila is a fun line for that where he's like, I anchored him.

Yeah. Okay. Lila slaps Mario, presumably in revenge, having been beaten. But then she just like immediately faints. Yeah, classic war was so funny. I don't know what happened. She's slapping him and then fainted. Yeah, fainting brackets girl coded as a swoon, I would say.

And she does that because there's nothing else they could think of her to do in the scene She's swinging. She's swinging. Yeah, fainting Brackets girl coded as a swoon, I would say. And she does that because there's nothing else they could think of her to do in the scene emotionally. So she's just like, oh, I'd be unconscious now. Maybe she passed out from being beaten. She's fucking concussed. Yeah, at this point, FXX8 is like, all right, we got a rainbow warrior this shit,

returning to sort of institutional memory. We got to blow up this boat. We focus in in an alarmingly closed shot on one of his boys, tactical shorts pockets from which he retrieves some explosives. They take the fucking device with them and then they blow up the boat. Leela dives overboard and runs away, but she dives. The actress kind of fucks it, because she just completely belly-flops or fucks the dive.

And you didn't get another take of that. It's a sh**t dive. She's been dodging stage punches all fucking day, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Understandably, she's like, I don't wanna be with these guys anymore. They've got two modes, violence or sexual harassment. I'm out.

She leaves. Two sort of like interacts interestingly. It is a theory of a world in which men of violent women love it I think. So, yeah, at this point, they got to go find Noro. Yeah. Yeah. So, we go back to the hotel room and M is there and he's like great work FX 18 But you know tracked down Noro and tracked down Bartre as well

um Patricia is like please fuck me in the ass. Yeah, and FX 18 is just like no I need to no too busy like spanking this woman, you know He's like playing with his gun and he's like, I'm expecting company, right? And Leela, meanwhile, goes back to the bad guys and it's like, I barely escaped with my life and they're like, oh shit, like, welcome back. It's so weird to see an actual spy in a spy movie. Yeah, she's like, all right, I'm doing it.

I'm gonna fucking make this. I'm gonna do the spy stuff. Good at her job. Yeah. The whole, the whole, the whole, just like, why are you covered in bruises? And she's like, yeah, fuck it. So Goons break into the hotel room and they demand the transmitter, which M has, M's taken it away.

So the Goons break into the hotel room. There's three of them. I find 18 sitting on the couch. They subdue him. The third goon, without pausing, walks straight to the back of the shot where Patricia is lying in bed and just like starts beating her.

Yeah, for no reason whatsoever. I mean, like wind up like a hand all the way back, just bam, bam. This is a movie that loves slapping women. It loves it like more than anything. It's sort of like a vehicle to deliver that to the viewer in the form of a spy movie. It's like really.

Yeah, it's like, I think about that thing. You talked about the denyable pornography, but like without pause, like an actor badly following blocking, just walks straight to the bed as if that was his intention all along. Like doesn't stop, doesn't notice here and decide to do, just walk straight up doing just bam, bam, bam. Yeah. And the spanky is absolutely pornographic.

So, yeah. Yeah. So, at this point, they both get captured, and we have to do some more torture pornography, right? Because... Oh, Patricia gets put in the bondwiggler. It's this... Yeah. Yeah.

The girl flat in there. Bond crusher. To make The girl flat in her. Bond crush her. To make the girl flat. It's a big, I don't know, is it meant to be a wine press? It must be, right? It's something I don't fully know where they are. It's not really clear.

In a castle or a mill? Yeah. She's under a big stone and she's gonna get crushed. It's a secondary location. And Bartir is like, tell me where the transmitter is or she'll, you know, she paid a lot of money for that nose and it's gonna get a secondary location. And Bartir is like, tell me where the transmitter is or she'll, you know, she paid a lot of money for that nose and it's gonna end up looking real flat. Dave Courtney, though.

No, but so, why doesn't she tell them where the transmitter is? Oh, because she's a highly trained agent and not just like some of the experience. I've forgotten that she's this by still. She knows because M said, I'm gonna go and stay at this doot house. And I'm taking've forgotten that she's this by still. She knows because M said, I'm gonna go and stay at this doot house. And I'm taking the cheesers,

she's like bravely maintaining cover while FX18 is like not giving a shit at all. And it's not even meant to be like, oh, he's like being forced to display this icy exterior where he's like, you know, he abondons this a few times where he's like, go ahead, killer. I don't even give a shit.

No, he just actively is like that. Yeah. Um, I fully believe he's like, ah, killer, whatever. We're doing her. At which point? Uh, Noro's like, okay, yeah, good, good point. I guess I actually don't, you really don't give a shit if I like juice this woman in front of you. He's like, okay, there's no fun in it for me then. I guess I fucking let her go. Yeah, let's let's go to a tertiary location, a little room. Oh, and this is barter, not Naurik, excuse me. And because we're going to get rid of these guys pretty quickly after that.

Oh, but sorry, if you're wondering what the what the Mario and Luigi were doing there outside because they've been told not to go in until 5.30 and they've been real sticklers about that. There is a fun line there where Luigi's like, you know, there's like gunfire at this point and Mario's like, you know how he gets. Like he's gonna be really shirty about it and I kind of like that.

But yeah, so, Barters like, okay, where's the fucking device? I have your own gun and I'm gonna mention that it's your own gun. I'm pointing at you about 50 times, because I didn't bring my own, and hence I had to use yours, or, you know, I preferred the theatrical irony. I hate it when you have to ask the gym teacher if they can use his gun. You're going to a fancy restaurant and you're like, oh, there is a dress code, do you have a gun?

And I'm like, can I borrow one from the cloak right? Do you have like a house gun? I forget to return it. I was mad at me. They're all chasing me about it. But it turns out it turns out it's the gun that kills you instantly. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He was modifying the reason why he wasn't having sex with that beautiful woman last night was because he was making his gun shoot backwards because his attention was for this to happen. And that's the gun that fires poison dots back into your dick.

And sex to play his carare as well just for the, the somatic. Just for the crack. A little bit of flour. Way to get that, never mind. The other thing is, this is one of the last people on earth who could use This is this is one of the like few moments where the movie rallies. I can't stress enough right doesn't I'm sorry it does not this this happens with no flat like the guy just the same unbroken shot like Part is just like L the gun that kills you instantly is at least a funny bit. The fucking preeminent emotion,

watching the back hour of this movie is boredom. Like, it's genuinely the film I have enjoyed watching the least, not in the sense that it's like the morally worst, although it is pretty bad. It's that it's like so poorly assembled and made that it's like very, very difficult to follow or stay invested in at all. Like doing a, like, critical reading of this

is like profoundly innovating. Doing a reading of this at all is nigh-on impossible. It's unintelligible. But so, at this point, they go and chase after Naro who tries to gas them with some gas that he has. Again, unclear. Yeah, because so so just throws a substance onto the ground. I don't really understand what's happening here. But it's like it's huge. Yeah, really strongly, but and they're supposed to be like trapped in this room with it, but it's lit

like outside. So I thought they were just stood near it on the cobblestone so just going ah! Ah! Yeah, FX18, get married and marry, okay. Stuck in this room that's funny with gas, Patricia drives a truck through the wall and rescues them and she still has to be rescued by him from the from the cabin of the truck. Yeah, because women can't drive. And she, she does a weird baby voice. She's like, oh, Frances and's like, what the fuck is happening?

Weird sexy baby, yeah, 100%. So at this point... Non-signature's non-signature's film. Yeah, no. This one's one of our strongest non-someter readings. That's true. Of all types of things. So he chases Noro on a bike.

Noro escapes onto a small private plane, FX-18 jumps in the back of the plane. They kind of steal this from Bond a little bit, but he'd like get some at gun point. There's also the OSS Sunday set thing of knowing being able to hold onto a gun. That gun changes hands about three times in that plane, and the course of one scene. Very slippery gun. Yeah. I need to start narrowing the handles or some shit, man. Yeah. Yeah. At this point.

At this point, you know those like YouTube channels that do like compile old 60s footage of like, you know, the French army or whatever and set it to like, you know, EDM, like House News is, it's cool. I like watching. It's a good time. We get one of those without the cool music, because we just get a bunch of like 60s French military file footage.

Yeah. Because this is now an airborne hostage situation. I mean, creative in a novel direction for the end of the film, take, like. Sure, not a narrow like, causing on the radio, and he's like, I have your boy at like very buttery gunpoint. I don't actually want anything. I'm just gonna like kind of fuck around up here. Just let me go. M scrambles the jets.

Yeah, M looks directly into the camera and goes, let's let's deploy the army de lairs new super mistaires. We also got a really cool sort of two like John Dahmery helicopter as well, which, yeah, mostly just distracted by those at this point. Oh, God. Force the plane down. This is an example. They force the plane down. It's on the runway. FX-18 jumps out of the plane and rolls to the side. And then the plane explodes for no reason. Yep. And I might not say, how can you film an explosion to be anti-climactic?

Just kind of happens in the distance. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the underwater knife fight being boring last episode. It's like, how are we managing this? You filmed an explosion and it was dull, like, then there's a hilarious shot

because N is in the air traffic control tower smoking. We cut back to him, he's like smiling good job, right? But we're too tight in on his face. So the cigar is out of frame and we cut mid exhale. So what happens is we cut from like Francis at the side of the room, we're like, oh, I just rolled out of danger of time. And then we cut from like Francis at the side of the room, but like oh I just rolled out a danger time And then we cut to what appears to be a him just exhaling a captain we talk

Just looks like he's just like Snoop Dogg just like breathing out the good weed and just smile at himself like a dinship and then final scene Francis the Spaghetti Brothers, Leela and someone and just them they get pulled over by the cops as they're driving and then Mary just goes yeah fuck you pig and drugs Yes, disrespect the cops which is at least an interesting like ending for this I'm not saying I'm in a fucking movie like what the fuck was that? No, I don't do it

Alright first of all, girls, it's over. We've made it. We survived. We're going to the end of the movie. Yeah, don't do that. FX8, dude, Jesus fucking... Second, what the hell was Luigi doing there? Why would you add a character to this

and then not give them anything to do for the whole movie but have them be there the whole time? Like, you wrote this movie, dog. You can just not have him. They forget about Patricia, about 50 times. They don't know what side. That's his on by the end, at all. Really?

It's very a movie, to be honest. Like, there was very, very little going on here. Yeah. And thanks so much to Discord user Maz for helping us find this one. Yeah, it was very, very little going on here. Yeah. And thanks so much to Discord user Mars for helping us find this one. Yeah, it was very, very difficult to find. We had to like enlist them. This is going to be a recurring theme, I think,

because we're going to have to enlist your help to find prints of these movies. Yeah, you can torture us. Like they tortured that Zoom ago. I'm not sure I have the names of whoever helped me with these. Oh yeah. Starting out like a safe word code phrase watching this movie. The orange blossoms.

I'm not going to be able to not press that during the Q&A. I just want to. I know. I know. We've given you the power. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

So what do we think about this movie other than the fact that it's a very uninspired thing done on the cheap to try and rip off bond that reflect a gross structural misogyny in French society that like even some of the bonds, like the early bonds don't approach. It's nasty. Ah!

Yeah, great, thank you. We have a science-based race. I was having fun with this for the first 30 minutes because it was so bad. I thought we were finally gonna get like bond, but it's like made on a 50-P budget and it's shit. Like bond meets dark place, I'm here for that. But then, then it just becomes disgusting.

Problems with women, many such cases. Yeah. And it's funny because like all of the reviews all of the like this is why like it's important that we do this podcast aside from us paying our rent is all of the reviews all of the like like little blogs and stuff that exist to delve back into like forgotten Euros by movies. None of like they're, they're all sort of, like, approaching a notice, Maritz is a Euros by movie, and none of them have a problem with the way it treats women. If you look at, like, the letterbox or the IMDB reviews of this, all of the bad reviews

are like, and the girls aren't even hot. And it's like, now, okay, that's true, but that's not, like, the problem with the movie. that's not like the problem with the movie. That's not the main issue of the movie. That's the thing. It's important to do. Normally, the people who do deep dives on this kind of thing would be the guys who like Euros by movies. So it's really important that a voice but absolutely to test these shit. You could say that we remember it so you don't have to. I'd say we're culturally important. Monday, Cisclan, even. You could say that we remember it so you don't have to. I'd say we're culturally important.

Monday, Sisklin' even. But if that is your review of it, then at a certain point you are just like ignoring the text of the film, because the film itself is telling you that the violence against women is funny and it makes the protagonist cool. If you're not commenting on that, you're not talking about the movie. I guess they're just taking it as red that everyone agrees with that to begin with. And then just moving on from the nose. That's actually an assumption that you're starting with.

We need to unpack here. 1964. But we can quantify these things because we have a science-based racing system on this broadcast. It's called the scum system. It sounds for SMAM, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. Now, how SMAMI is FX-18? I feel like not... What are you trying to be?

Yeah, it's trying to be, it just falls on its own. The M character does a lot of like what I would describe as bits. They don't allow SMarmy lines, but... FX 18 tries. Like, his first line when he runs into Lila is like, what do you want? He's like, you maybe. It's like, dead Smarmy. Like, but he doesn't deliver it in a Smarmy way because it's a bad dub of a bad actor.

Like, it's just kind of... It's... can we attempt, you charge attempted murder the same way you do. Yeah, true. Okay. So it's still sent to tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Attempted smum. I would say counts for smum. Yeah. I would, I would do like a five for this, I would say. say yeah cultural insensitivity. I don't know. I am not French I am of course I can. I don't know that's culture insensitive I don't know I'm sorry.

I think probably like our five course of confans are just like in like up from their seats right now just like yeah fucking tell him like. I mean. Yeah, fucking tell him. Like, I mean, there's like one character of color. He just has nothing to say that you're like Napoleon, when another guy is literally Corsican. Like he's more Napoleonic than you are

because he's from the same place. And that's the Napoleon thing doesn't come back either. No, it does, it does, but they miss aim it. Like M has a call back to it, which is like that's the long carriage for now I just forgotten Cultural insensitivity aside from two Corsicans It as as you say it has one person of color. He has a line

It's sort of comic relief, but like not in a way that makes him distinct from any of the other comic relief. I would say yeah That's very true. Yeah, I thought to pull the three three three. I would say. That's very true. Yeah. It's hard to pull the three, three, three. I would say three. Yeah. There's like sort of micro-hitle particles coming off of it, but not enough to bump it from a three, so even a 3.5. I'm pro-writers. They kill everybody all the time.

Yeah, we're not doing it. We're not doing it. A lot of unarmed people get killed. It's just like stabbing guys. I mean, it's quite killed. I got on people. Multiple of this guys plans involve torturing a woman he knows he shouldn't be torturing for no reason. That's very true. That's very true. Yeah, that is true. That's both unprovoked violence and misogyny, even if it's unprovoked violence, like, at

the hand of another and like one of those cases. I feel comfortable putting this like, I don't know, like a six, five or six, yeah, six. Yeah, I could give it a six. Like there's just the kill everyone on armed for no reason. Those are the crew. They're not part of specter. They're just civilian crew. Yeah, like fuck me.

Um, and then massage me. Misogyny. I mean, I think pan. Yeah, on screen sexual assault and on screen violent assault. then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then,. It is so the only- I don't know, Nicklin, dime this. The only movie we've ever given a 10-2 from misogyny was Rambo V. Ooh, I think it's right on the cusp between nine and 10. I think it's Rambo.

I think maybe 10. I don't, the other thing is I don't want to get, I don't want to- Okay, I'm happy to go with nine though, but then again, this isn't my category. Devon, I put you in a very uncomfortable position where you're like, anything that a woman says to me. my category. I've definitely put you in a very uncomfortable position where you're like anything that a woman says to me. I agree.

I agree. I have no principles and I'm like, I think you should have principles and you're like, you're right, maybe I should. You're talking about this, you're like, what do you think I just go? I think it's as bad as Goldfinger which we gave a 9 to you. I'll be happy to go for 9. Yeah, let's do nine. Yeah, okay.

And it's lucky to be getting away with a nine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That gives it a total score of 23, which surprisingly low. I don't know, my maths, right? I mean, 23. Right. So sometimes the same at metrics here are not a very good indication

of how good the movie is either morally or technically. Actually, I think that's because, actually, that is pretty high compared to a lot of things. It's like definitely among the worst bonds. It's just because we've just come off the back of the Rambo franchise, was ended with a 36 and a 30. Yeah. Yeah.

It was sort of like there's some great inflation going on here. Yeah. No, the B under no illusions. This is a bad movie. Yeah. You should not watch it. If you can find it, which thankfully you can't. Yeah, yeah, in my case, it's fine that this one wasn't held on to.

We don't need to archive this one. No, both Ken Clark and FX18 will return, not together though. I just can't go over how like blatant the misogyny isn't this. It's crazy. It's like the theme of the movie is like it's acceptable to just be violent and sexual towards child-coded women. It's not good isn't. It's pretty shit I reckon. Yeah, watch it. But you know, you can't so...

No, you had to experience it through us. But we're sort of like the synators here. We perceived this movie. And you know what, if you feel bad for us, which you should, and we have a Patreon. For $5 a month, might be pounds, don't remember. For $5 a month, you have access to bonus episodes. We do alternating episodes. We invented that model. So you get the second episode. The next one that we're going to

do, I don't know, but we'll do some like some more European or at least non-American movies and that should be I've got some ideas. What could you do in New Zealand cinema? Yeah, I can sort of like do a bunch of Palo Sorrentino movies and bang the table and say that I'm condemned to live every day of my life on this earth without a beautiful Italian girlfriend who like terrorizes me psychologically. Reasonable. And I think that's a huge shame. without a beautiful Italian girlfriend who like, terrorizes me psychologically. And I think that's a huge shame.

In the meantime, thank you so much for listening. We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye! Ah! Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Um, wow, this- This movie fucking blew Jesus Christ water time. And I'm sure it's not the last one that's gonna blow just as hard in this little adventure that we're doing. But next week on the Free Feed we're going back to our man from last episode.

Oh, it says, Son, this set. That is. to our man from last episode, OSS, son, this set. That is 117. Those of you in the audience, want francophone. If you are francophone, how you're doing, unless you're from actual France,

in which case, fuck off. Francophone people, how are you doing? Anyway, yeah he's next week, other than that, if you want to support this episode, as Alice said, we do have a Patreon and then it's patreon.com slash kill James Bond, all one word where you can sign up for just 5 pounds a month for two episodes where we promise we won't be talking about Euros by movies from the 60s. It'll be something different. Special thanks to our 15 pounds above patrons, those are low-beans.it candy-fogs, freer, aloicious, star-volaure, jack homes,

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Turfsy, Shit, Diallone, Wolfie, Philippa Smith, In Ross, Millie, Josh Simmons, Robick Greensmith, and Lauren Baston. I'm recording this on the third and Patreon's doing the same sort of weird thing it does, so if you are paying for 15 pounds above and your name doesn't appear in that list, it's probably just not been swept up, and it'll be on the next one, sorry. Now, for now I can do about it. The original one is Alice Abigail and Devon. The producer's wonderful name, Thay. Our podcast art is by Madeleine Chansky and our website is by Tom Allen.

See ya. Wow. you