Upstream - S2E28: Rambo 3

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

It's Rambo 3, it's the third Rambo. Did you know that the 'dedicated to the brave mujahedeen fighters of Afghanistan' thing is just an urban legend? It's the full four-man cohort of KJB today, as our editor and producer Nate Bethea joins us to ask and answer one simple question: Is afghanistan about the size of hackney? you can find him on twitter at https://www.twitter.com/inthesedeserts and follow his podcast Hell of a Way to Die, a leftist millitary podcast by and for veterans at https://www.twitter.com/hellofaway ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond  

I don't know how we are talking about Afghanistan. And so we decided to get the one person we know who knows anything about Afghanistan. It's the other quarter of Kill James Bond and our Addison Nate. How's it going Nate? Hello. Yeah. It's it's it's me. The the thing that some people know about me, because I've definitely never never talked about this publicly in any form whatsoever, that I have I have been to Afghanistan. So yeah, I watched Rambo 3 and as penance,

you know, as anti-truth action, right? And sort of like spitting on you when you got back at the airport, we made you watch Rambo 3, which is maybe worse. Yeah, I mean, without skipping too far ahead in the plot, I think when Colonel Trautman is, is basically giving his sort of like retorts to the Russian Colonel and interrogating him

and he said, we had our Vietnam and now you're gonna have yours. And it's really, yeah. Anyway, what happened next? Let's not talk about that. Don't worry about that. People, the planners of operation and during freedom failed to watch Rambo 3 enough times.

Yeah, they failed to make a serious study. This is a, I like, staff ride through Rambo 3. So we begin in Thailand, first of all, where we get the return of an unexpected friend of the podcast. Yes. And the unexpected friend of the podcast is the man from Uncle headshot photo. Yes, I loved this moment. So Colonel Chapman is walking around looking for Rambo over the credits by showing people

a picture, a shirtless, glossy headshot of Rambo. Where did you take it? I think I'm gonna take a photo. He had a little polarity, just whipped out in Rambo 1 when he was crying about how he couldn't find his friend's legs, and he just got neat. That's going on the collection. It's not like from Vietnam,

it's not like Rambo looking like a young man. This is like current. In fairness, I mean, the total, the grand total of his time on screen across the Rambo franchise, I feel like shirtless is a correct choice. If you'd like, this is just what he typically looks like. This is what he'll most likely be doing. Suspect is shirtless. Yeah. He's joined by a member from the US Embassy in Bangkok, a gentleman played by Kirkwood Smith, also known to me as Clarex Bautiker from World Robocop 1.

Oh shit. That's the thing. I would never have pulled that up. That man's face is indelible to me. That is Clarex Bautiker saying, bitch is leave. Like it's, yes, it's Kirkwood Smith. When I, the minute I saw him, I was like, oh my god. It's the 80s stern balding man who was like surprised, it was shockingly

hard villain in Robocop. So this movie poses a question first of all, which is what if you had the movie The Deer Hunter, but it was shit. Ah. Rambo disillusioned by war, disillusioned by the Vietnam War, has stayed in Southeast Asia. He's like stayed in Thailand and he's like sort of experiencing emotional turmoil, which he is channeling into beating the shit out of people. I'm doing stick fighting in a warehouse. Yes, he is. I have seen the film Hot Shot's part two, and I watched it many, many times as a child, because it was one of the only things we had on tape.

And I did not realize until I saw this that Hot Shot's part two is a parody of the Rambo franchise. So many of these, many of these things are like, what did it? This is just Hot Shot. It's impossible for me not to laugh at it. Yeah, ripped off.

It ripped off. This is like watching one of the sort of like 70s airplane thrillers and being like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. There's did a lot of airplane bits in this. Yeah. But Rambo needs to get the shit kicked out of him to show his emotional turmoil, but you,

this might even be contractual. I don't know if this was a thing yet in contract, but you cannot show Rambo losing a fight. So he has to almost lose a fight and then go Rambo mode and like, head of dude with the sticks, a bunch. This whole thing is just like mostly grunting. There's a lot of crowd shots. If you remember when we did Casino Royale, I talked about how to shoot a crowd racistly.

This is the instructions to the extras was hold about 2000 bought in your hands and just jump and be excited, which I just don't understand why they're all every single person every single shot is holding money above their heads and jumping and screaming. Like it's just I've seen many crowds in my life. I don't think I've ever seen a crowd that well-funded. It's not really doing anything besides following obvious instructions. Like you said, it's like they have two frames of animation. Like, they're in the background of Street Fighter 2. We've got money. Yeah, I do.

I would fucking love to be in that crowd. What a vibe. That would be phenomenal. We applied to the tie filter to the like CGI generated crowds from the pod race. At least like chat GPT generated dudes. It's also very funny too. Because wrong number of fingers on all of them. It's also very funny too because there's a degree to which when you first start watching this fight scene you think okay he facing it off against the local tie champion,

but then when you, they get close-ups of his opponent, you realize this guy is also probably just Italian. And it's like the next Australian. Rambo is so tanned also that you're sort of like, I guess being Italian is the ultimate ethnic camouflage. Like he could be, he could kind of be a jack Afghan also. It's just like, yeah, you know, I didn't know this one. I'm in the big bad for a monk or sign

and just get a question mark. It's, we don't, can know, I didn't know the big man from Uncle Sin and just getting question mark It's we can't get any kind of reading up or down on it. That's why Asian 42 can get in anywhere. You can be any race He's just Italian The fucking the metronome is swinging baby Um, so so so Rambo. You want to tell you what I fucking notice about Rambo? Is the same thing to Rambo I went fuck, that's my hair. Yeah, it's like shit, put a mustache in. That's the devil in my leg.

He looks great. He looks stacked. He's thriving, he's moisturized. He goes around with his wings, but he declines to kill his opponent. Yeah, this is interesting. He sort of like wins the classic Thai Roman gladiatorial combat thing. Like the crowd gives him a thumbs up.

And he leaves as troutman sort of like calls after him and he doesn't notice. And he has so far. He has so far on him. And like, you know, putt him on the shoulder and it's like, yeah, okay, we're gonna go and catch up. He also collects his winnings from an Asian version of the coach from Rocky, which is very cool.

It's so, it's right, okay, this scene starts home or on like, A, because it's too, like, beefy do, it's just beating the shit out of each other. However, it ends really home or romantic, because it's so wistfully shot, the way Trapman is like watching Rambo leave me like John It's like really really really like it psychically. Yeah, yeah, the other thing to note is um Rambo is Buddhist now. Yeah, he's happy which is yeah, which is understandable because every third person in Thailand is a Buddhist monk Yeah, there's not to the case

Why they did this? Rambo is Rambo's working in a monastery after we get a little thing on the screen that says Written by Silvesta's cello Yeah, he's at the top of the fucking right and credits now and one other writer But yeah, I just wanted to make another because there's there's some lines in this, which I actually really like. I think it is in part quite well written kind of. There's some lines in this, I really don't, which I think it is really poorly written.

We do have to comment on it. But so really quickly on Colonel Trautman showing up to this, you know, Underground Warehouse Murder a gladiatorial conversation. In Class A's with the least shaven and shaped brain human history. And I just was like, Colonel Trump, maybe the reason why you haven't pinned

Brigadier General yet, being a Colonel for the entirety of the Rambo franchise is the fact that you cannot seem to get your fucking hat to fit correctly. Nate, you didn't see his hat in the first one. It was the first one. Oh, I see the first one, it's much worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a bit of a deal. So that's just like, that's just like tropical decay.

That's just like, he's been in the rain often enough. It's sworn his hat down slowly. It's like a building being eroded by the wind, but he hasn't actually done any shaving or shaping. It drove me nuts. It's got like a beret subsidence. Yeah. So I'm a dumb boy.

They don't do that in movie. Like why don't they properly shape the berries? And think that it's because you get it off a costume guy. You don't have the time to like shape it to your own. They are also people are very hard working and they do their research. You know, you think right, but I also think that not for Ray in, as like a US military prop with such an uncommon thing because it wasn't until 2001 that it became part of the standard uniform for all soldiers.

And so like in a way, I mean, there's for one there is a Debatable argument that like it wasn't really like as long as it was sort of reasonably with intolerance and you'd cut off that little Tie flaps at the back like it doesn't really matter, but Yeah, like to the modern view or this guy looks absolutely ridiculous if you've seen the uniform and that's the last of my military Complaints I promise it's just a very very funny way. Oh, that's going to make for it about rest of the episode. Oh, I have, I have to place about other things. Yeah, I see. I see. Funny.

Like, I'm now going to stop talking about the militaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah, nothing else. I am going to talk about the geography of a country called Afghanistan, because there's some very, very funny things in here we'll get to when we move forward. Oh, I also noted some of these. So Rambo has become happy. He's working in a monastery. He's giving them all of his stick fighting money.

At which point, Troutman and the CIA guy have traced him to this monastery. They show up and the CIA guy goes, I don't know how much you know about Afghanistan. What do you know about the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan? There's the bomb. It's like stairs directly down camera. Have you heard of the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan? It's real bad. John Ravel, I'm here to give you the call for adventure. Yes. Yeah. No, it's also my fuse in the call. I'm happy now. Yes, no, it's also my fuse in the call. I'm happy now. That is the dramatic upshot of this, but also I can't stress enough, there are times when it really does just go straight on the propaganda of like, crazy, you know, the Soviets

have invaded the peaceful nation of Afghanistan and doing many war crimes there. It's like, okay. Why did you say this in order to overthrow a previously collaborationist government that was getting a little bit too unstable for them and install a more friendly collaboration discernment? They were concerned basically that if the part of the history version of it is that in 1974 the king was deposed and there was already a succession of socialist governments that really destabilized the country that were very, very unpopular with the most, I mean, back then the country was even more rural than it is now when I was there.

It's like 90% rural. And so they basically decided that they needed to overthrow this guy who they thought was going to destabilize things to the point that it would be likely that a foreign power or that the West would succeed in unseating this and install someone else. And so they basically moved preemptively on Christmas 1979 and installed their guy and then has succession of basically people who sucked. And this didn't get any better. It got a lot worse.

And by, they left in 89, but yeah, they invaded too. Basically, the guy was, they were like, no, you can't do communism this fast. You're literally gonna make it everyone hate you. And- It was the KHAD, I think they're called, the like Afghan KGB, who are, Brezhnev Finale's like, no, this is too repressive, which is very funny. And they overthrew- Yeah, Huffazoulan mean, who had a-

And replace them with Barbara, come on, yeah. overthrew. Yeah, obviously. Who did you hit a replacement, Bob? Right. Come on. Yeah. Bob, right. Come on. And then eventually they put Dr. Nijival in and he lost it until the Taliban hanged him from a tank barrel in 96. Yeah. Yeah. Which is brother, which is, yeah, a bad way to go. Anyway, the point of this is, Troutman says, I am going to Afghanistan.

Do you want to come with me? Why? Slash it. And he has a little piece of paper. And Rambo, Rambo's happy. He's literally happy. He says, the war's ended for me, which is right. Oh, I see. I got two notes. Two notes. Note number one. Troutman says the word yes, so weird in the scene that I had to cliff it. He says yes. Hey, I generated Trinnell Troutman. Yeah. But the second of all is he does tough shit. He like, no, you're like a soldier. Yeah. A signed SF at Bragg. Like he gets him in a temple. SF at Bragg like he he like get some in a temple

It like it's weirdly echoey, so it's like strange, but he goes you may try Yeah, when they dig up your skeleton in a thousand years they'll see the green beret on your fucking bones Like troop dysphoria is like slip with it, you know, repress. I'm sorry I didn't need to interrupt your clip, but yes, that's right. That's right. We've sold it. Just like yeah. Yeah.

Little Charmeter here watchful waiting approach with regards to Rambos desire to do peacefully and be happy. You think of yourself as a special force in soldier when you master bits, but like, this still doesn't work. I think Rambo is a lot to live peacefully, but only if he enrolls in a clinical trial. But also like, this, the, sorry, interrupt you,

I was, but the one thing I would say is that like, Troutman has his one ace in the hole, but it's like when, when Rambo says my war is over, it's like, Troutman, he killed it and basically destroyed a police station in Oregon and killed like a battalions worth of national guard and Oregon cops And then subsequently went and like murdered a bunch of fucking Russian Jews in Vietnam that we didn't even know were there like This guy could potentially cause this guy

Problems in the future. Are you sure you want to take him out of his like this nasty guy though? like Like this can't be you'll go to guy. There's no way this can be your go-to guy. Yeah. Doing three days of the condor, but with Rambo, is so fucking funny of an idea. But in fairness, Trappin does, Rambo says no again. And Trappin does like this.

This is the thing, though. There's a great line about Vietnam, where Rambo says, Do you really think we're going to make a difference? If I didn't, I wouldn't be going. It didn't before. That was another time. That was different. That was different.

It was different. It was different. Don't ask me why. So it's going to be better. Yeah, literally. Like, there's a sort of like, there's a real trajectory from Rambo one where it's like war bad, but you know, we didn't win because of the hippies. Turambo two, which is the war was a lie, but like don't hate your country for it.

Yeah. Yeah. Turambo three, where that's different now we're back on the horse, right? War is good again. Can I wait to see what Rambo Force dance on war is gonna be? I think it probably is gonna be quite positive. My only recollection of Rambo Force,

a guy getting shot at close range with a 50 gallon, it's basically exploding soup. That's the only thing I remember. Yes, fuck yeah, let's go. Yeah. So, so, they're then follows a scene with Troutman, which I can broadly summarize as, I infiltrate Afghanistan, get immediately captured, it's not clear what kind of move I was trying to do.

I don't know what you're talking about actually, because Rambus says no, and it like sort of like hands out, and then as I turn the movie off, I was like, perfect, that's the end of that really cool, very experimental, like interesting, what. That's the end of that really cool, very experimental, like interesting what things do with the character. Short film. I'm worried about the remaining runtime. Just go outside. You just, you just enjoyed a short film about a guy with your hair cut being happy. Yes. And yeah, you know what? Yeah. I did. I had a good time of it. That's it. Tramon, Tramuma obviously gets immediately captured. As soon as he gets captured, he gets captured by the helicopter from Rambo to with all the

shit bolted on it. It's the the the Puma helicopter with all of the like foe hind shit bolted to the side. And great. It immediately goes back to Rambo, which because the trauma and get a captured is such a short scene. It really does feel like this type happened like five minutes. It's like the next day, he's like, oh, hey. Yeah, Greg's goes back to Rambo,

it's like, it doesn't say we need you to go in. He says, I just wanted to let you know that your friend did this illegal off the books military accursion into Afghanistan and was captured. Don't do anything about it though, don't worry, which is what it's like, you know. That's what's really funny is that they kind of forget

in the scripts to make this like, you know, a conniving CIA guy, he's not like going, he's not saying any of this ostensibly to try and get Rambo to do it. He's just like, hey, just keeping you posted on how that went. Just a friend getting his dick and balls whipped and like fucking cup or pricked up.

I thought the Greeks was gonna come back later. I was like, oh, this is the shift to CIA guy. We're gonna find out later. He's set Rambo up. Nope, he doesn't come back. He's not on the rest of the... No, the CIA good now. The CIA good.

Previously they were bad now they're good. So Rambo's like, okay, cool, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go and send me in. And Greg's just like, well, okay, we can do it, but obviously, you know, if you get captured or caught, we're gonna deny all knowledge of this, nobody's gonna come rescue you. And Rambos, like, yeah, I'm used to it. Yeah, hard lines do it.

One thing, the first of like one of many like movie-ass lines, I feel like the S-school's gonna be quite high for this one. Really bad. Because there's got a lot of like movie-ass lines in it. The one one thing I did notice is that when Rambo's thinking about whether or not he wants to join, he goes and repairs a cartwheel and to do that, he's just, it's a cartwheel three times with a big hammer and then spins it and I was like, yeah, yeah. That's how you do that. It's just good. I like him, man. Yeah, yeah. So Rambo goes to Heshwa, and we get a kind of the movie gets torn between two impulses, right? Because it instinctively wants to be racist, but it also wants to

show you that these people are like freedom-faces, right? It's strange because this film, while bad, and while massively oversimplifying, and I'm being very generous, is in many ways more interested in depicting Afghan people than basically any film that was made post 9-11, that I'm aware of. I make, you know, a huge blind spots, and I admit that. But to me, when I see a film in any context, whether it's a Marvel movie or a serious movie that has anything to do with the war in Afghanistan, like it's getting a massive gold star just for having people speak Pashto because it's far easier and cheaper for them to find Erdogan speakers.

And they're like, well, Americans and Western audiences aren't going to notice the difference. There's a little bit where it sounded to me like people were speaking Dari, but like by and large, they're speaking Pashto. Sometimes they're speaking Pashto in a way where a guy is just saying a line over and over and it sounds like he's casting a spell. Um, I'm not going to head too much, the, the, the flamethrower torture guy is literally just saying, why, why, how many Marta, and it's like, he's just saying, give it, give it, you know, give me information, speak, speak, give me information.

And he says it over and over again. You're like, is this just like an incantation to make a flamethrower work? Yeah, that's the torture made. Exactly. But like, like, when he walked, when Rambo walks into the shop and he, the guy first starts speaking to Mimpasto, he's looking at guns and he just says, like, she already, like, what do you want, what thing do you want? And it's, I was like, I love that they did at least have some attention to any detail

at all, even if this film was shot in, not joking, Arizona and Israel. So Rambo goes into this gunsmith, and he's like, I'm John Rambo, the CIA sent me, which again, Brian Cox award here for introducing your name and affiliation to just like random, shifty guy. Yeah, he walks in there. He's like, okay. I'm meeting the mentor in this scene. I think so. Yeah. It's, I don't know if it's a mentor. Yeah, but like he meets.

He meets Mr. A. Yeah, he meets Mr. A. He meets Mr. A. This guy, this guy is a... Mr. A. Mr. A. Mr. A. Mr. A.

Mr. A. Mr. He meets Mr. He meets Mr. Yeah. Again, Israeli guy born in Iraq. It's like, it's a proximate and maybe sort of the like 3000 kilometer radius of like, yeah, we're getting that. Because the past, the past tunes are actually the last tribe of Israel, so it all makes sense. Greeks has sent some kit ahead. He sent some like detonators, some stuff we'll see later and also a blue light, a Rambo gets...

Yeah, Camlight, little, little Siloom Camlight. Yeah, Rambo gets the funny line where Moosa's like, what does it do? It goes to his blue. Yeah, but like, hold on a minute though, this guy Moosa's been working with the CIA in Afghanistan for like years with their shit. Rambo's been up a fucking monastery.

Why does he get to know that Niskay doesn't, you know, other than to show the white guy being more competent and technological, you know? Anyway, Musa says, ah, your American friend is getting cock and ball tortured near the village of Hosts, right? Oh, Nate, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I believe, to host. So, yeah, it's not a village, it's a big city. I've never been to, I've been to host province, not to host city,

but I've been to Gardez, which is in Pechtia, and I spent a lot of time in Pechtia province, so I'm familiar with the area. So, they're a little interesting there, the village of host, but there's a particular detail. I did do one, the population comparison host city is the size of Boulder, Colorado. I'm curious.

Hosts, this is a big city. There's something extremely funny, though. And without giving away too much, I just have to point this out that Musa takes him through the caves. And since we'll be getting out and the value of the five lions, and he tells this story about mythological king, who told to bring 5,000 orders, brings five of his best warriors, and they defeat the enemy. Well, right, sheer is lion in Dari,

and punch is five, and punch here is five lions, punch here valley, punch here valley is north of Huggerm, punch here valley is hundreds of miles from host. And I know this is confirmed because when the Greek guy playing Mjadin leader later in the shore that they're having says yeah

The neighboring valley like mon mon province is also They seem to be laboring under the illusion that Afghanistan is like about the size of Camden Yeah, beautiful beautiful California and the Statue of Liberty, like goes past. Yes, yes, yes. It's like that guy I saw riding around London with a jacket that had the archentry off in the, you know, the flasso Latval and if I can like all these parathletes and then huge mass of letters and it said London. So I got to talk about this next scene where where Troutman gets tortured right where he gets interrogated and

Mostly it's just gonna be me screaming about Soviet uniforms and insignias to just ignore me just fade me down in the mix and just like Just just let everyone else handle it. Well, we meet we meet our villain who's a Soviet Colonel Colonel Zyzen I really like I really like this actor, giving him a really good performance. I think I looked at him. Strange actor. His name is Mark De Jong, if I can read my handwriting. He's just a really good job in this.

Sadly, I tragically died in an accident very young, I fell off a roof. It doesn't really do anything else. But he's really, really good at it. Like what is that? He saw something. On the one hand, it's a good performance. On the other hand, he doesn't have any badges

on his collar tabs. He's got like branch tabs, he doesn't have the front. He also seems to disregard the Afghan climate. Despite sweating a lot, he really enjoys wearing this green leather jacket. What? Like, he's so vile. He's so adorable.

All right, and he was like, forget, I'm wearing the coat down the jacket. He does give this very, like, he's known as this person who's managed I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.

I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. but he also seems to insist on being in the helicopters doing the war crimes. So there is this kind of, I mean, in a way like they, the people management exactly from the front.

Yeah. Yeah. You're so, you're so, you're so, the first is a bit with Colonel Sam because he says, look, I know how you feel. You're right. You're stuck in the arsonic. I know where you've been abandoned by your government.

I know exactly how you, you're never going to make Brigadier general. That's cool. I'm never going to make Colonel general. That's cool. Operate and we'll Colonel General. That's cool. Operate. And we'll both have a good war, okay? So just, you're smuggling missiles into the province. Just tell me where they are.

Yeah, that's just, you know, even the form is all there. And I'll give you a lamp that weighs a thousand pounds. Yeah. Unfortunately, what he does is he triggers Troutman's delivery of my review of First Blood, which is... You expect sympathy?

You started this damn war, now you have to deal with it. Which... One thing that really stuck out to me is that the entire time these two characters are arguing, in order to sell the drama, it's slow zooming, it's slow zooms up one of their cuts, it makes it slow zooms up his hand, and it cuts back his slow zooming. It's slow zooms up on it. It cuts, it's slow zooms up on it. It cuts back, it's slow zooming. It looks like the fucking fake Balenciaga shit that was going around a little bit.

Like it's always just gently coming in. Would you believe? I'm sorry, Alice. I have to throw this in really quickly because I wasn't on the review of first blood or the very first film. But it always struck me as being very funny that although this was a thing that I think 80s audiences would pick up on, if you came into it as like

a young person not having seen the movie or the context behind it, you would think that will to you and the rest of the fucking Oregon police in National Guard just hate, Rich on Rambo because they hate veterans. There's like no, we're just gonna pick up the stack of people. Yeah, the Maoist cult. Yeah, that's the us that we went with was just like these guys. Yeah, the Antifa woke up. Exactly.

And so it's basically, so basically, yeah, he, you know, he unintentionally summarizes the first film and says, you know, now you guys get your own Vietnam sucks to be you. Yeah, I have that. I have that. You can't defeat a people like that. We tried. We already had our Vietnam.

Now you're going to have yours. Which is breathtaking, right? But like, it's incredible. That of all, how quickly the narrative changed. That is so much. Yeah, yeah. Like the way that the narrative changed between Rambo 2, where it's like the whole damn war was a lie to actually it was because the Vietnamese people were like ethnically chad and we invaded, we invadedically chad. And we invaded.

We invaded a chad people as you did, and now you're gonna suffer too. I do take your point that it's like Rambo ones first, the theme is War as Hell. And like you said, Rambo two, the theme is War as Hell, but support your country also at rocks. And Rambo three is the primary mission of US Army Special Forces

is unconventional warfare and foreign internal defense. Like, it's just getting to, but I guess to me watching it as someone who was in the war in Afghanistan, it's just very funny because I've seen this movie. I've watched it on German TV in 2005 and I was visiting some friends. And just was like, oh, this is funny.

Didn't really watch it ever again, but there's a part of me that watched it. I was like, you know, there was so much coding in the late 80s about sort of like, yeah, I can't fuck with the Afghans. They're indomitable. You'll never win on a fight against them. They'll never give up.

And then you're like, oh, we definitely will. We probably do it. We could take him, I'm pretty sure. So this line set, set, set, and expectation. I was like, oh my gosh, like, is Rambo going to reflect on his time in Vietnam? And like, is he going gonna reassess what he did and that what the wall was all about?

No, of course not, no. Of course not. You never look backwards only forwards. So, Trautman gets tortured a bit. He gets like held up by his wrists. Yeah, he gets suspension bonded. Yeah, weird torture method, but that's fine. Zyson like threatens him with a,

huge hockey guy. He got me eight by the way. Yeah, I've got, I've got, I've got, I've by the way. Yeah, I've got a big I've got to throw in here that just I with that I will not jump ahead, but I feel so this sets up a concept of what you might call check offs big guy. Yes, big guy.

The first act of the film by the third act by the conclusion he has to do big guys. He's got to do big guys. This is this is a dude called Randy Rainey starring as the most Samoan looking man in the 40th Army. Like, his name is Sergeant Kurov and he's like, he's got so clearly a wrestler

and he's wearing what is an approximation of a Pilotka but it's like half-baray and it looks AI-generated. It's a hat that's just a shake. And he's like the big torch-rat. They tried Devdoshin on me in Soviet army. However, my balls crashed every toilet seat. They tried to employ. employee. Zyson threatens him with what is apparently a Polish sub machine gun, but looks like the shit that killed Shinzo Abe. Yeah, all he gets out of him is like, what is that fucking blade runner ass like, it is pulls on the do he that's fine.

It's a PM 63 apparently, I've never seen one before in my life. It's like the long sword in Basilarmons Romeo and Juliet. It turns out to be like, I'm fucking South African auto shotgun that sucks and kills everyone who ever shoots it. Oh my god, this guy looks like, oh shit. Please god, listen, as Google PM63, Just take a look at this. Incredible. Yeah. So so Trautman is defiant, right? Because he's a chat. He's like tough on the torch.

He doesn't break. He's like, oh, the missiles are like up your asshole or whatever. Rambo infiltrates the host's punch here. Valley. Oh myir valley with bodies across the threshold. All right, we're going to stop doing this. Yeah. The whole time, Moose is like, we Afghans are fucking tough as shit. He's gone. We're a noble people, Mr. Rambo. And then we meet the sky and then we keep down the ice and go, we're a noble people,

Mr. Rambo. Yeah. And then we're like, there are noble people. Like a hospital. Moose is Moussie's delivering medicine. It's all noble. Or we learn that the Soviets are disguising minds as children's toys because they're evil. This is crazy.

This is crazy. This is so crazy. So like, it's a great, half-remembered thing where they have like half-understood that a bunch of like cluster munitions or minds or whatever, kind of look innocuous and so children pick them up and get maimed, but what they've like derived from that is no, these are specifically designed to look like toys. And my favorite one there is there is a Russian babushka dog. You don't want to eat the babushka that kills you instantly. Not for your shaker, by the way.

I've all, sorry, sorry, I've got that out. Kill and take her out. I know. I have a math rush. Anyway, I took a look on Google Measuredistence from host city to the Penscher Valley. It says about 220 miles and that's straight line distance, which you typically can't do on foot. So is that like I love this first of all because like of all the war crimes that the Soviets actually did in Afghanistan, you had to invent one, which is really yeah, there was the second little the little

minds that it would I think that that that look, there's a kind of dueling narrative thing and like the one concession I'll make to call it like Democratic Republic of Afghanistan fanboys and girls is that like some of the stuff when you dig into the really lurid details, it's like yes, there's reported on the like the Milton Friedman Institute of CIA studies at Yale University or some like that, and nowhere else. However, what I think it is is it the little bomb lit minds, the ones that like you know that that and nowhere else. However, what I think it is is the little bomb lit minds, the ones that fall to the ground, like what is it from the seed pod kind of looking things,

and that those look like toys, because they just have a kind of weird shape to them, and that kids' plastic. Kids' gray plastic goes up and they blow up. I'm not aware of, as I understand it, of ever encountering anything in that country, where you could be like, oh, yeah, that's one of those famous Soviet toy minds.

And I saw some Soviet-ass shit in that country, and could be like, oh yeah, that's one of those famous Soviet toy minds. And like I saw, I saw some Soviet ass shit in that country and I did not ever see that. I mean, I saw every wise Kamaas truck you could possibly think of. I saw like armored bulldozers that like basically ran out of fuel the minute they crossed the border. But look, I don't know, but like I think there was, like you said, Alice, there was this conventional

the sort of like narrative of that just kind of got like telephone game into being even more depraved than it already was in the sense that like they very indiscriminately used minds, you know, in an area where people, there's lots of people who are, I tend to know, lots of people who are hearders, lots of people forming, people wander around, people are scavenging, and lots of people died and got maimed from it.

And it's like, but as you said, yeah, they have created a worse version of it. They have this sort of like a matured cadol, yes. One other thing that's funny is that they go into this village and most of the first thing he says to Rambo is, they've never seen a white dude before. They've never seen anyone who looks like you. Second thing he shows him is a Russian dude who's defective.

Oh, what's wrong? Have you noticed that basically there's that there's an arbitrary law in this film that if you are not Afghan as the film sees it in real life, you know, Russian French, Israeli, Arizona. If you are if you are not cast as an Afghan character, you must not ever wear a hat. That's true. That's not wear a hat. Rambo does not wear a hat. Rambo was a headband, but his hair is flying like the wings of a majestic or beautiful. Oh, you got to be the top and west, huh? I do, I just got a hat.

You do have to give the movie, I give the movie some credit, right? Cause this is something I didn't know and I had to dig into to check this. There were Soviet soldiers who defected to the town of them. Yeah, so I mean, they were, there were Soviet soldiers, many of soldiers who defected to the Taliban. Yeah, so I mean, there were Soviet soldiers,

many of whom who defected at that time, were draftees from the Central Asian Republic. Pagics, but because a significant number of the Soviet troops that were deployed in what they called the Limit and Contingent of Soviet forces were from those areas because the Army group that they pulled from to deploy down there was that area of the Soviet Union.

But then also there were plenty of ethnic Russians who did, and there was that area of the Soviet Union. But then also there were plenty of ethnic Russians who did. And in fact, some of them have stayed. There was a story in post-collapse of Afghanistan in 2021 of people who were Soviet soldiers who stayed and basically converted to Islam, adopted Afghan names, married Afghan women and stayed. And like, we'll stay. Like, they apparently there's like 226 left by the Russian embassy in Afghanistan's count at one point.

I mean, look, I'm not gonna lie. There's things about Afghanistan. They're fucked up. There's all these things about Afghanistan where you could just kind of get the impression of like, this is just a completely different way of living your life. And I understand why people who grew up basically if they were dissatisfied with both life and so you know, but particularly life in the Soviet military, where they'd be like, this is fucking better.

I'd rather do that genuinely. Yeah. Well, you're like, like, funny as a showy to fill with munitions would be. Cause I've been like, I've been really weighing up. Yeah, Bob pits up there. I'm thinking rock and sock and robots, maybe. Bob it, but only at the end, like, only on the Bob, like,

yeah, I've got it. Yeah. Fisher price, sea and say, but only one of them has an explosive in it. You don't know which Nade pin and what it does invention pull it until right in the end is I'm pulling Yeah, it's like the house is boom lies off the Italian anti tank mind I tank mind says hungry hungry. Oh, that's pretty good. Actually bought a set of 100 hippos and played it with Afghan kids when I was there. So, you know, I feel like I have an emotional attachment with a hungry.

I can't envision that being full of munitions, but it's a killer. We get a couple of other things here. We get a shot that is 100% a rip off of the time magazine cover of the Afghan refugee mother with the like really like stark eyes. Oh, Sharma Gula. Yeah, the Steve McCurryph. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We get like a really like cheap imitation of that. And then we also we try and complicate this a bit because we're like, oh, by the way, the merger Hedin are also using child soldiers.

Yeah, we have this beautiful, beautiful, patched-tune refugee girl, but actually, it's an Israeli actor named like, Seville, Bolonese. Just check the credits of the film, basically, two films. Yeah. I'm seeing Afghan girl hit played by

Masayano Sochi. Yeah. Sochi Masayano, yeah. Yeah. That's pretty much there. Not wrong. I know I'm not wrong. No, my mouth. If I do, if it didn't know, then I was right on this one. No, the other stick fighter was called the whole diamond. Damn, that's hard. That's hard.

That's hard. That's hard. That's hard. So they meet, they meet the, they have a sure out right and they meet the like head of this village who is called Masood Presumably in reference to the show. You know the George Washington of Afghanistan. Don't ask what happens to that guy two days before No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just remember. Well, he's, he's also, he's also Greek. This is the actor playing him as Greek. This is the closest you get to like no more Mujahadin of Afghanistan. Is he explains?

Mujahid Dinsoldus, Holy Warriors. Twice this war is a Holy War. And the best thing about this is, you could put this in, you could put this in act two of a post 9, 11 Afghan war movie and all you would have to change is the music. You change that to like foreboding music

and that's homecoming, like playing and someone would be like, yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's basically blackout down. Just a guy. I let time it like that. He also makes the point that the Russians have been, you know, giving them a real kicking but nobody seems to care.

So that I look, will rescuing your friend really help us? Because if so, we'll do it. Need to understand that we are noble people, Mr. Rambo. Yes. One thing that I find interesting about this is that this is one of the complaints that you heard was the flow of munitions to the Mejahadin in the early 80s. They complained a lot about the basically like Vietnam castoff shit they were getting.

But by 87, they were getting, they were getting stinger missiles, they were getting a lot of, and this film basically is set in 1988 because it's literally say nine years into this war. So Christmas 79s, what's gotta be around then. But by 88, they were getting a ton of munitions from, basically the US was giving them to Pakistan

and they were bringing them over. And so in a way, it feels like a ton of munitions from basically the US was giving them to Pakistan and they were bringing them over. And so in a way, it feels like a lot of this stuff and the sort of like no one cares about our play. It was a right wing coach Celeb for a while at this point, but this movie isn't, it's not meant to depict reality in the moment. It's meant to basically be babies for a staffed Anastan. And so as a result, it has to do that. To tell the Western narrative about the occupation of Afghanistan from 79 to that point, through, I guess, exposition, through characters summarizing it to John Rambo, who basically, the whole point of this film is that as regards him there, it's just like injustice is being done, but also what the fuck is Afghanistan?

So he has to learn about Bootskish, he has to learn about child soldiers. Yes, he does. The other thing. He goes to like, see a game, match of the especially the like horseback sheet, semi wrestling, which is more of a northern Afghan thing to be honest with you, but it is the thing for sure. And at this point, they get interrupted by a Soviet helicopter attack. And this is the right wing cause celebrity, and it's like, it's a real thing. It happened, right? I'm not trying to suggest that it didn't. Fabric Fish.

And he reported there was like, we saw the Soviets doing what's in St. like, absolutely mind boggling. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, like you get like a sort of a village that you consider to be hostile off of nothing, and so you shell it with artillery. Depopulating so it's no longer a threat to you, basically. Yeah. In this case, what it is, you fly some helicopter gunships over it, and you kill indiscriminately. This is the reason why the CIA give the Taliban and the Northern Alliance, well, the Mujahideop is probably give them

the Singapore missiles, right? And this is sort of like the obsession of the right wing is like these people are being slaughtered by helicopters and have like, sort of like no means of defending themselves. And I really think there's an interesting essay to be written about, the like, psychology of the helicopter in the Rambo franchise, because it's in fucking all of them.

Yeah, it is. It's really cool. It's really cool. But also, again, Rambo does not reflect on the role that he himself played in Vietnam and how like, maybe, oh, shit, this is what we would do to the Vietnamese, maybe any different. Yeah, this is basically the, you know,

I love the smell of Napalm in the morning scene from Apocalypse Now, except you've changed the color palette. Yes. So, Rambo shoots at a helicopter with a, you know, with a dish. Yeah. Heavy machine gun. And the helicopter in fantastic, fantastic response stops dead and like hovers really low to like look for him.

The best, the best fucking thing about that is the visual shorthand, they have the helicopter move like it was looking around. They just have to like move it's fucking. Like the helicopters in the cars universe for a split second it becomes the answer for more funny. So everybody's been killed apart from like Masood, Moussa, there's one kid who's been following Rambo around.

And he's basically Yeah, I mean I'm The Soviets are up to me lucky He speaks to missude and missude's like yeah, we're taking all these people to the border You know as historically huge and flux of Afghan refugees into Pakistan. He says we are good friends in Shala Yeah, that's sort of makes that sort of makes sense. You could say that I guess We cut back to say that, I guess. We cut back to Troutman getting tortured and the Colonel's accents getting worse. At one point he says, have you decided to talk?

Yeah, I wrote what the fuck is his attitude. You decided to tick tock. Actually, actually, I had been in the gold finger. He just became Russian. Yes, it's starting on South Africa. Now great. Keeps going. Tick tock mock so So rather I'm gonna go in there. I'm gonna get them even harder now than I get them before It's my war now. It's more like movie ass lines

Yeah, I'm sure Yeah, I'm sure but they get you can't hit that. It is a thing, but sure. But it gets into something, which is that this series considers big fucking knife to be like the ultimate multi tool. Yeah. There was a part of the user for essentially anything. I'm just like, John, buddy, surely you have a wire cutter. Like, you don't need to use a bit, but the little paper is really nice. He uses his fucking knife to cut, like, to pick a lock, to cut wire, to probe from mines,

among other things. Yeah. Also, when he uses it, like, I guess John Rambo is an ADHD king and he needs to make sure he doesn't forget stuff. So when he uses his knife and needs to put it in a place he can find it instead of re-sheathing, he just chams it as hard as he can into anything in front of him.

He just doesn't even, like, use the knife that much in Rambo 1, but it's just a thing Rambo has in Rambo 1, so they're just like fuck it. Make him use the knife. Knife is all he needs. He's got Rambo's iconic knife now, I guess. They cut a scene of him forging the knife himself. They should have put that back in. Yeah.

When he was fucking in a Buddhist monastery in Okinawa, learning how to make knives from Hatori Hanso, like there's a whole arc to this. Oh, it's a Hanso bled, I understand. That's so funny. I will say this is a little bit funny, is that I understand that there's a visual language that needs to be employed to communicate the danger

and the sort of stakes to the viewer. But watching this from, like trying to not be a annoying ex-military viewer, but the degree of the site security there on the viewer, but watching this from, like trying to not be an annoying ex-military viewer, but the degree of the site security there on the base, it just stops resembling anything actually military and starts more resembling the villains and captain planet. Because it's just the degree of which it's like, all right, this may not be interesting to you, but I'm just going to say, if you try, if you maintain security, like that at a base nonstop,

like you exhaust everyone because no one can do anything besides, you know, very, very actively turn, fucking flood lights and walk with dogs. Also the dogs would have fucking smelled him when he was hiding right above them. There are some parts of me that I'm just like, guys, or all right, fine.

I guess dogs are like tyrannosaurs, that if they don't see you, they can't smell you. We don't use dogs or anything besides their sight. But watching this happen, I get it. They have to set up the stakes. But it started to feel like kind of, I don't know, the video gamey in a way to me watching this. Yeah, genuinely.

Usually so. I thought exactly a Metal Gear Solid 5, which I guess this would have used in some sort of... I thought of Metal Gear Solid 1, the very first one on NES, and just like that's exactly what came to mind. But then later in the film, without jumping ahead, too far there is a scene in which he basically, like there's a century just kinda hanging out,

like you think he would be on his phone, except smartphones haven't been invented yet, and it's like that is perhaps more realistic. When you've got guys on six or eight hours shifts, just fucking staring at a valley forever, like they fuck around and he takes advantage of that. Like this degree of alert would be like, we've gotten intel that an attack is imminent,

but it also implies they have no idea an attack is coming. Yeah. So Rambo infiltrates the base. He rides under a tank. Sood and the cage are both with him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he tries to send the kid back because he's like, you know, he doesn't want to use

a child soldier and commit a war crime. But the kid's like, kind of like, follows him anyway. But the kid like, the kid insisted. Exactly. He's like, it's like, I've seen Ivan's childhood, or at least the first two thirds of it. I have no idea how it ends. This will be fine. Yeah.

Seen the first minute of come and see. In size, just like, good movie, right? This will be fine. Yeah, seeing the first minute of Come and See. So, in size 10, it was like, good movie, right? Yeah. Zyson is having a guy tortured with a flamethrower, which is a great idea. You want to use those indoors. I know if you clipped that line, but like,

I have not spoken passion in real-time. I said it previously, but I'm telling you, every single time that guy's in the scene He's always saying why oh, why are how already martyka? How about him atica? Like he's saying like Speak why why are you talking speak speak talk talk. Yeah, give me information and it's like that dude It's a delivery every time that is wearing a pastiche of a Soviet armored uniform a pastiche of a Soviet armoured uniform because they're black, and I guess that looks more sinister. But the implication there is that they got this guy out of a tank and they were like, okay, bring your flame thrower and then just come and interrogate this guy.

And he knows like two words or like two lines of... They code him as a special unit basically. And I just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've got a flame for a guy. So, Rambler manages to find the Colonel, but he doesn't manage to get him out into it. Does his sexy pose when he lands, when he drops himself to the base, is very weird. He does that to make a run for it into the sewers. Yeah, getting, he gets a piece of shrapnel through his abdomen and then gets a bunch of

turds in his open wound, which is- That's okay, he cauterizes it with the butter from a single 7-6-2 round. Let's talk about the cauterization strategy. Yes, yes. Look, I recognize that there's a certain willing suspension of disbelief, but as a non-medical professional, but someone who has been injured in a variety of stupid ways, military, and otherwise, I do not think that you can have a clean penetration through your abdomen in any place, have it come out the front of you, and that not be an injury that is likely going to kill you if you don't get medical attention with it.

Let's just say 12 hours. I mean, like really golden hour, but you know, 12 hours. Oh, say 12 hours. So the fact that like basically, 1762 seven, six, two rounds worth of powder is enough to cauterize it to fix it all. Once that's done, like that injury basically is only of a reference visually, but he's not walking like with a wince or anything.

It is amazing to me, but it's like, because we've seen him cauterize wounds with gunpowder before I believe in previous times and they have to up the stakes. So this time, he's gotta do it in a spectacular way in which flames shoot out of both ends of this perforation. And it's insane. I couldn't, I just fucking lost it laughing.

I was so, I missed the full even next 10 minutes of movie because I was just thinking about what, why you made every decision in that process. Why would you do any of those? Also like props to surviving, getting penetrated by the strappin'al bomb that fires the devil's hot dog actually, or whatever the fuck that thing was, in and out of them.

You're the finniest gauge through the fucking torso. It is like, it's curiously penetrative this scene. It's also much like Rambo too. It's Gaea's fuck, he's like, they were the shirt off, he's like, puttin' stuff inside himself, and like, like grunting. It's like no, there's the subtext here but I see this Colonel Sam beating and Colonel Sam's like, yeah, but like before that before that before that. Sorry. No, he's saying right my voice

I'm just important. I want to do this. So on the way out Rambo fires an RPG at a truck, right? On the way out Rambo fires an RPG at a truck, right? But the noise that this truck makes when it explodes I swear to God They mixed a donkey into the explosion noise, right? He fires the RPG and it goes That's got like three dinosaurs in there as well man dinosaurs in there as well man. That's how it goes. There's a donkey sound. I swear to God there's a donkey sound. I just see animals into the fucking explosions.

I didn't want to miss that because... I didn't want to miss that because... Yeah, the rampant fires and upbeat. There was a Soviet use to do that. I was just seeing the mule. The sheer volume of horses they were using. And I was like, where are the donkeys for packing animals? And like the reason is, as the Soviets had all the donkeys

inside one truck, like compressed into one thing. Donkey pack animal. Yeah. Colonel San on his going to be in TNT. Gotcha. He's ice-free. And Zyzen's just like, who is this guy? Like, who is this fucking Rambo guy? He's not God. And then San has his line where is just like, who is this guy? Like, who is this fucking Rambo guy? He's not God, and then Sam has a slime and he's like, God would have mercy.

Rambo won't, and it's like, I, again, this, what do you mean? Like the fuck, the rhetorical increase in power of Rambo over the course of these movies, and just like, oh, like, this guy is a match for a fucking like, do nothing, it nothing fucking police battalion, that's it. Like, some guys from the fucking police squad won't be able to kill this guy.

Now he's John Wick. Yeah. There's just like no fuck, like, oh, this guy's actually a killing machine. This guy's actually fucking the greatest warrior of all time. They were just like, oh, he's got specialist knowledge of the area, that's why we're sending him in, because this is the prison camp he escaped from. And now in this one. They were just like, oh, he's got specialist knowledge of the area, that's why we're sending him in,

because this is the prison camp he escaped from. And now in this one, they're just like, no, Rambos, just the ultimate soldier. And it's like, why is he so stupid? He's just basically idiot. Yeah. So Rambot, he gives the kid his like dead girl friend, necklace from Rambot too.

And then he effortlessly infiltrates the base, he just infiltrated again. Second time, right? I'm doing some some fucking just a flash on the word to one of his later movies by doing cliffhanger and climbing up a sheer rock face to get on top where a board guard is is playing with his imaginary. He can only envision what the Soviet iPhone would look like and playing hungry hungry. Exactly. And he's playing Tetris. Exactly. And he he's able to he's able to jump down a well break a dude's neck and then jump down a hatch basically right back into previous scene. While a search and rescue is to a rather a sort of a I don't can't remember the doctrinal term, but the especially not as guys are searching around the area looking for for Rambo outside of the base. And I could only

imagine Alice's reaction to Soviet uniform fits because this is like the Soviet uniform. The hat, the booty hat, the like the fucking satchels, like the side packs, all these things. I watched the scene and I was just like, I know Alice knows the name of and like literally like the national stock number and bracket Soviet of every single item. Yeah. They get every single thing wrong here. But the reason why they do that is because they got these Soviet uniforms from the production of Red Dawn.

That, like, genuinely, those were the only set going around in Hollywood when they made these. And so you have this, like, faux KLMK, sort of, like, camouflage oversuits. You have, like, a faux tell-m-k sort of like camouflage oversuits You have like a faux telniashka that's just a stripey top if a bunch of like weird attempted panamcus that are actually like French tropical hats It looks fucking weird but so Rambo breaks in freeze the prisoners Steals a helicopter and and then zyzen sees it in time. Can you fly that thing?

Let's find out. It's starting to hit, did it, did it, territory? Oh no. They start shooting the helicopter immediately. And within a second, they are doing the Rambo 2 thing again, of hot boxing the back of the helicopter. They just have the smoke machine go. I'm not just imagining any like Roger Moore line, but in the Rambo voice. But I need you. So does Anger. Yeah, yeah, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, say what, whatAfghan extra, a small role where the guy gets hit,

but survives and is hanging off the skids of the helicopter and, or like, the side of that camera if their skids are not, and, and Colonel Trautman reaches over to grab him, and then it's like, they cast this guy, like you're gonna have a real dramatic scene, it's like actually, secretly, we're just testing out this cool new fucking squib

to make your head explode when they shoot you, and he falls, so it's like, we saved some refugees. Well, except one. And then Rambo has to crash the Halecoptor. Yeah. What's really funny about the crash scene is there's a bit that they just, I guess they couldn't have done otherwise than leave it in. There's a bit where all the shit they've bolted onto the helicopter just falls off the clock. Like both the wings or the fake rocket pods and shit and just like all collapses instantly. Yeah, it's like a tease of the kingdom gadget

that you spent ages building. And then something goes by and do it. And it just go to a... And a slight callback to when Rambo's firing at the base when they're shooting at him is that it takes him about a minute of cinema time to figure out like, oh, there's a thing called a rocket, I can fire.

Like... It's a crazy man a rocket I can fire. Like, it's a crazy man. I don't know. So they take, they rescue the refugees. They leave them to go to the border. And when they leave them, they say, in Shallah, I form an idea in my head. I will conclude this thought later. But so then it's just a Rambo entrapment.

Yeah, first is Soviet Russia. Well, we get a really cute little exchange where they're running along and Chapman says, how's the world? And Rambo says, or you always taught us to ignore pain. The Chapman is like, is it working? And Rambo just goes, not really. Yeah, it's like the only bit of their banter that's fun.

They do so many bits of banter and this. Yeah, so there's obviously an entire battle group shows up and they refuse to surrender, Rambo engages with a 40-milligranade launcher and then... Oh, before this though, Rambo shoots down a helicopter with an arrow. That's the explosion. That is true, yes. But when he does this, when he does this,

listen to the explosion sound. No! No! The whole of that helicopter, it's a lucky attack. No, no, a mule! I know. There was a mule in that helicopter.

That was the new phase of the Soviet 40th Army is fucking like unconventional warfare occupation. Is there going to remove every document at the innocent and use it as a fucking hostage on every attack? Listen, once again, okay, you fill a mule with explosives. The kids are going to go pet it. That's one use. However, you drop an explosive filled mule out of a helicopter.

How many people are going to start running away when they see that? They're gonna go, what the fuck? Is that a fucking new? They're gonna stand stocked, this is perfect. It's my deal. This is where we get the like, yeah, this is where we get the like,

he's hunting us one by one scene. There's a bunch of Spetsnaz and like a Cray system. We even got a number of, one of them goes, what are you and Rambo's like, you've worse nightmare, it kills us. And Rambo, yeah. He like, he like grabs a radio and he calls Zyce And then one of them goes, what are you and Rambus like you've weren't snowed mayor? It kills him. And Rambus. Yeah. He like grabs a radio and he calls Zys and he's like flying

his own helicopter. He's like above the thing. And he just goes like, I don't know, kill you. And it's like this came out the same year as Die Hard. And you see why Die Hard was like such a breath of fresh air is doing the same bit, but like so much lessens by it. He shoots a guy with the cam lights. We finally got a use for the like, the little blue light thing.

And what that does is it frenzies all of the other spets and hours guys to shoot their own dude because he's blue now. Yeah, that happens. And that happens, that's like a thing, that's a known thing with spets and hours. It's part of a training, I don't know. That's true.

I mean, in case you're in a swimming rambos, jump through fire. Rambos clearing the prison full of Afghan hostages, ruined by room by just throwing grenades into each room. I'm like, wow, accurate Soviet doctrine and American doctrine in Panama. So, so now Rambo has to wrestle with the most Samoan dude in the Russian army. Oh, fuck, we missed one of my the greatest shots in the cinematic history, which so so obviously now actually have to go back The bit where he escapes a bomb is the funniest series of shots

I've ever seen in my life because it's just Rambo running away from like fire like he rolls out of the way There's a fire lands on where he was and it like liquid It almost looks like the fire is I don't't know if Chroma key is the right term what they were using back in those days. But like the best way I can describe it, it feels like a fire matte painting. And it's just like dropping and throwing it back. Like it's absolutely ridiculous.

And it's perfect. And it's so perfect that it's sort of like, it's seeing the origin of the cliche in unironic form. Yeah. It's a strange thing. It's straight strange guy. Straight towards the camera and behind him is like chroma key, just like wall of orange flame.

Just yeah, perfect. That's fucking cinema as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, check off small girl. I'm not saying how are you, and he goes, well done. Check off small girl. The way he defeats him, he can't beat him in wrestling. The guy is too strong. So what he does is the guy's got him in like a headlock. A Rambo pulls the pin of a grenade

that's like on his webbing. And this makes the guy drop him. Yes, crazy, my idea. Yeah. He drops him and he like tries to get the grenade off of himself and is not able to and explodes because as we've seen in Rambo 2, once you fuck with Rambo, once you're like a known enemy of Rambo, what's going to happen is you explode. Like, he has no other way of settling grudges. He pulls this pin and this guy does the full dishonored guard when he's getting attacked by a rat swam thing.

He just takes three steps back and just swinging his arms arms. And it's like, but get the grenade off you. Um, so this is the most comfortable kill of all time. This man, he falls down the hole that Rambo climbed back out. He's wrapped around with a fucking rope of some description, which catches snaps his neck and then he explodes. Yes, exactly. The firm kill. Perfect. That's fucking silly. A lot.

Rest in peace. Sergeant Kuroff, I guess. I'm too cool. Could have killed Rambo. Just get him in the, keep him in the bear hug. You had him in the bear hug. Fumbling the cronstein was at bag at the last minute. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

By trying to save him. Just like why I pulled it back from Gobinda in October. See, just went out to bitch made. Yeah. Yeah, sad, by trying to save him. Just like why I pulled it back from Gobinda in Octopussy. Just went out to bitch maze. Yeah. To Shannon. Yeah, sad to say. So Rambo and Trappin have to try and flee to the border. And then, as you say, they are intercepted

by the entire Soviet Union. They are allegedly 272s. They got something that looks like a shoker that isn't. And the helicopter again. So, they're just like, standing there and he's like, drop your weapons many, many times. Drop your weapon, we will engage you. You're on terrain where for some reason, people have dug trench line. Don't understand why.

This is not a reason. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. times. What up, you're welcome. We will get to you. You're on terrain where for some reason people have dug trench line. Don't understand why. It's not a reason. It's fine. So yeah, there's a trench they jump into. They're able to hold them off. The trench is just there. It's not a wadi. It's not a erosion. It's just a trench. He's he's got Rambo has an M203 that

someone has like mated to an AK for him Because good catch. I didn't notice that yeah, that's a really good catch I'm to a thread it is definitely two or three Like I just didn't it didn't even clock that he was he wasn't using a and at the time would have been an M16 Like that it was yeah, like you said made it out to the AK seven. Yeah, well good catch. Yeah It's literally it's like welded on I think The fucking well here him arrived. Yeah, it's It's literally, it's like welded on, I think. I'm the fucking Boheroom arrive.

Yeah, it's correct. Yeah, the 10,000 Mujahideen horsemen who have been waiting for weapons over the border, including the kids. He brought the kids. I guess the kid sacrificial after him. I'm going to get them, I don't know. Hey, child soldiers.

Yeah. It's a land of contrast is what I'll definitely say about using child soldiers. The many of them get killed. We at least see that. Lots of horses do like stunts. Yes. They basically, it's basically Immortan Joe

showing up to harass the Soviet army. But then they only have what look like Lee Enfield rifles. And so. I'm thinking, I'm looking at Rambo and I'm like, man, would be helpful if you had any more of those extremely explosive arrows right now? I guess you just brought one...

You only had one spare. Could have sworn in the scenes when he's running around after he's blown up helicopter or and some of the dudes with that he's got more in his quiver. Oh, he kills one guy with one of those. Yeah, he loves to do that. But it's like husband, your resources. You know, you're gonna like, you're looking at the helicopter later

and you're like, I should feel that one. I do think that's like a thing they knew they would never get it past a test audience. If John Rambo can kill a helicopter with an arrow, but he never gets to shoot a dude with it. Like this is no one's gonna accept that. Listen, round one of combat. Highest level spell slot you've got on one guy.

Just fucking let it go see what happens Rambo Rambo hits a T 72 with a Molotov He's also is a insane. Yeah him running off the fucking Molotov is so funny Because he's right. I'm sorry. This is my last time. I gotta go insane There's this beautiful decision to like cut to a reaction shot of Troutman But Troutman is way too far back. So his expression looks like someone who's like at the

back of a ballgame trying to see what's going on. So just cut to when he's like, ooh. And then that's how I'm talking, guy. Not sure what you're making me into this. Yeah, disabled, T72, by making its engine block a little hot. They overheat the engine, which makes the crew was able to 70 to by making its engine block a little hot.

They they overheat the engine, which makes the crew unilaterally and unanimously pop the hatches and try and kill him with like, look at AKS. Okay. I do this. Yeah. Yeah. I'm Rambo. It was. He's two of the fight.

He, he, he whills down the tank self bar and then he has to fire all the guys inside. Like, he, he, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was, he was, he was just, he was, he was just, he was just, he was, he was just, he was, he was, five feet of altitude. He engages in what I can only describe as a tanked out. Yes. Now there's two things I want to say here. First of all, all of this scene is just yelling. And second of all, I have a sample of that yelling, which involves him driving the tank into the helicopter and killing Zyson. But listen, listen out in the mix. In the yet. mix and the yet. Oh, shit. It was definitely in the... Oh my god. It was absolutely a donkey in there.

I had a meal. It was so mule. It was so mule in there. It seemed to that sound design. I think it's actually pretty...it's an underestimation for people to say Americans can't produce anime because like... Yeah, genuinely. Why did I mule? for people to say Americans can't produce anime. Because like... Yeah, genuinely.

Why are there mules? So there's... I don't know about that. I can't. I couldn't license that scream that gets used in every movie and so they just had to get a donkey. Well, the world will help scream, yeah. Why did Zora and Zora have donkey?

The grandfather's... I will be thinking about the mules of Rambo 3 for a minute. I'll be honest. So the fucking episode I'll be an exploding mule, I'll put one I get there like a different rambo. So Zyzen is killed. The Soviets are also all killed. They're not even like routed, they're just killed. And then we get to two final things, where I'm gonna say, first of all, I get to confirm my theory, which is they leave the mujrah hadin, and as they leave they get in the jeep, and they say,

inshallah, this movie thinks that Inshallah is Arabic for good bye. It does. And I guess it's also posh to be a good bye. It thinks it's... Hold I palm on and pass it on. So it's like I was confused by that too. I was like, Inshallah what? Inshallah what?

Like what's... Inshallah it's just... Inshallah it means goodbye. I mean you could say like in a shot a lot. Like in a shot a lot. You blew up a helicopter with a fucking arrow that asked. But yeah I was confused. Yeah.

So yeah, that's my, that's my, that's a lot of means goodbye. But second of all, what's the one thing anyone remembers about Rambo 3? The dedicated to the gallon people of Afghanistan. Yeah, and the, the full memory, they just back the full commemorary that it was actually

the brave majority in fighters of Afghanistan, but that I I even had that false memory I was convinced that I saw that when I was on German TV, but like in retrospect everything says that's not the case And I even looked at the Wikipedia and apparently like movie reviews contemporary movie reviews were like Oh, yeah, the gun people about the block blah blah blah. So like it doesn't sound right to me. Yeah, I choose actually to believe genuinely It says that I never said that this film is dedicated to the noble Mojahaddean fighters of Afghanistan, although it kind of is like it

it does think that they're cool. It does think that they're inherently Chad and it does think that fighting them automatically turns into Vietnam war two, but it's not dedicated to them. It's dedicated to the gallant people of Afghanistan. That's not the funniest line with time that the movie ends on. The thing is, right, they ask Rambo if he wants to stay and fight, you know, with the the Mujahadin. And what Rambo says, oh my god, this little exchange. You sure you don't want to stay. You fight good for a tourist. Maybe next time.

Gorgeous. Yeah, fucking parachute him in in 2001. See, I was thinking of Rambo. I was thinking of a different angle. He's also visited at the next Buddhist monastery in Southeast Asia by a guy from a road construction company from Saudi Arabia. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. by a guy from a road construction company from Saudi Arabia.

No, Rambo, Rambo was like killed by the CIA and like the opening shots of the war in Afghanistan. They knew they were killed because he was there. Yeah, he made a run for like one CIA guy. Yeah. Oh my God. Maybe next time. Yeah. I mean, you noticed that animal sound at the background is that like the ending of Charlie Wilson's war, but it's donkey threatening night. So yeah, possibly the movie made retroactively funniest by 9-11. That's a wrap of three to me. Sorry, I did talk about it so the original Super Mario Brothers movie. No, maybe. Although, as you know, it's one he's I never saw it because I heard even as a little kid

I'd heard the reviews of it were so bad and the concept of it from what I'd seen still seemed so awful that uh but I will find a Bowser destroys the world tracent., really? So Dennis Harper is on. That's the answer. And Bob Hoskins is Mario, do 9-11. Master of disguise also, but like that's not anything textual. It's all behind the scenes stuff. Like the third funniest movie retroactively, because of 9-11.

What is it fucking? What does it say about masculine? That's a lot going on here. I think it's safe to say that there are any women refugees. This is the one that's so weird. It's the Tallyanos spaghetti chini. Yeah.

Yeah. That's why it's so weird that he has this like arc with this boy, right, is it's the place where and like most other would put a romantic thing, but he's already had that in Rambo too. So they can't do it again. So they were, they were placed in the most beautiful Italian boy in Tel Aviv and put him in the drive.

Casting calls, preserving another no more cultural tradition of the Gauvinian people. Just say, be sure of Berli as this. This is our young Afghan Rambo. Guchir Guchir is something else. What a fucking set of credits music, huh? Oh yeah, that song is so good.

It's like a song. It's like a song. I tell you the rules. Yeah, and heavy, he's my brother. Yeah, no, it's a good song. It's just baffling to have it here. Very gay. It was just after two, yeah.

Also, I will say, would you believe that Sylvester Stallone fired the director, like, made movie? What, with such great, directorial decisions is slow zoom and have it come to look right. So, if I'm wrong, he also fired it primarily. If I remember reading this correctly,

because he thought that the Russians cast to play the villains were too beautiful. Yes, I have the quote here. He went to Israel two weeks before me with the task of casting two dozen vicious looking Russian troops. This is still on speaking. These men were supposed to make your blood run cold. When I arrived on the set what I saw was two dozen blonde blue eyed, prissy boys that

resembled rejects missurfing contest. Needless to say, Rambos not afraid of a little competition, but being attacked by third rate male models could be an enemy that could overwhelm him. I explained my disappointment to Russell, and he totally disagreed, so I asked him and his chiffon army to move on. This Russian will K, right? Isn't he the guy who directed, this might be completely wrong? Isn't he the guy who directed the E be completely wrong? Isn't he the guy who directed the news for Total Clutch of the Heart? Yes, it is. Again, insane pull, but yes, yeah. It's so crazy.

He... Oh my god. He replaced him with the second unit director. It was his first film as a director. And as that dude said, I tried very hard to change the Rambo character a bit and make him a vulnerable and humorous person. I failed totally. Yeah, no, it's not a truck movie. I'll tell you that. I think it's better than a second one because it's it's stupider. It's not in

the it's not. I also think that in the context of having seen these kinds of films only through, you know, the post-911 films that deal in any way with Thor and Afghanistan, this film by virtue of wanting to portray the Afghans as friends winds up being less dismissive and one note, even though it is still dismissive in one note, the bar is below the floor, and so as a result, it winds up seeming more humane in that depiction than basically anything I've ever seen. Brothers at least has people speaking Pashto, but you'd think every Afghan woman

is a witch wearing a burka, it's horrible. It's so, look, I'm not exactly like I Know my own background makes this kind of weird But like I didn't come out of the experience hating Afghan people and in fact like I find it very very strange when like they Every Afghan person every every person from Central Asia. It's always you know an ood and howling world music singer like to tell you in and ood and howling world music singer, like to tell you in strange modes to make you know this is evil and threatening. Like this film weirdly doesn't do,

I mean I know why it doesn't do that because of the error in which it was made and the Cold War context, but like it's bad. It's fucking terrible. Like as an action movie, as a Rambo movie, like it is so clunky, it doesn't surprise me why they waited 20 years to make another one. But my God.

I guess they're embarrassed. It's the one, I was like, how the fuck would you make another one when you've just invaded that kind of stun yourself? I think that's why they had to set it in Burma, and I think also that's why like the one, the Rambo 4, it's like it's like, it's like someone has changed in the way war movies have are presented and how violence on screen is presented between 88 and no 8, that like, Rambo for sort of appeal is like,

okay, we found an enemy depoliticized in vinyl enough for us to like try to demonstrate all of these movie effects, like all these like blood special effects, et cetera. Like, you'll be, I think you guys will be shocked. It's so much more violent. Also, also sort of a right wing, sort of like cause celebrity, but we'll get into that. In the meantime, we have a science-based system called the scum system.

It stands for SMARM, Cultural Intensitivity, Unprovoked Violence and Misogyny. How SMARMy is this movie? I think it's the smallest rambut we've had. I would say it's four or five. I was going to say at least four. Yeah. Yeah. All right. I'm having a full. Go for four. Cultural insensitivity. I feel like this might be on the lower side. Previous moments, Pat. Yeah. I think it probably deserves three. And maybe a little higher than you were thinking, but I think number one, because of, for example, Alice, some of the things you pointed out

with just the total trip on your own dick, misunderstanding of stuff like in Shiloh, but I think primarily because of its depiction of Thai people. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Also a very, very insulting to the Soviet army, you know Can I promise I want make this go too long? I'm really quickly there is a film that came out I it was not mass released and it's really hard to find but you can't get it on YouTube by like buying it by like renting it on YouTube

It's a film called Afghan. It's AFG. Yeah, yeah, and it's a basically an American film crew did it almost like cinema Very take kind of thing. It's it's a very kind of like tongue in cheek, but documentary where they were allowed to embed with Soviet Union units in Afghanistan in 88, I believe. That's where the save the world comes from. Yeah, where basically it's like this convoy is playing BTR and playing German synth pop from the 80s and then they get ambushed

and almost get hit by an RPG. And it's like, the sound is, that sets the thing, this movie, like you said, exploding donkeys, I laugh, I don't react really. Whereas that thing, hearing an actual RPG go by, I'm like, fuck, that's harrowing. So yeah, to me, it's like, it's very, very weird that like that existed,

but what we get as the cultural memory of this is Rainbow Three and just whatever it is. Yeah, I can't even put into words like the degree to which it feels already like a parody of itself. Yeah, absolutely. So we say like a three here, that's reason to automate. Unprovoked violence. Actually, a medium has possessed me with the spirit of the big new Bizinski, and he is saying actually

in her work, the answer was on provoked violence, so Rambo is just responding to that. Also, please don't ask. Yeah, that's true. Huh. Well, I mean, self-defense against Soviet imperialism. I mean, yeah, true. However, we do see that he's like happy. Yeah.

Well, there's definitely some moments where Rambo like blows some spets now as dudes up and it's a bit too, like, he's enjoying this a bit too. I agree. And we as the audience is supposed to be like, I suppose to revel in his balance. Previously we gave it a 10 on the last one. I think it's less than that.

He's definitely less than that, yeah. Yeah. I would put this at like a four actually. This is curiously moderate, moderate for such a bad movie With like middle of the road for a lot of these and then misogyny misogyny is strange because that they're kind of there are no women women exist to Be the time magazine cover yeah Prisoners and fleeing from gunfire and nothing else. I do not believe it

The only line I can think of of a woman having in this film is when he runs up to the prisoners and he says American and they say something to him. I can't. I didn't understand if it was Pashto what they were saying and that's it. But Sud also talks about how like our women have been raped and stuff and have been destroyed and it's very, we don't hear from them, you know. No. So what do we tend to say for a mission, a mission's like a three, right?

It should be the baseline two. baseline two. Yeah, I'd say three. But again, this is the numbers, the numbers are not good numbers. They're sort of like mediocre numbers, which is strange to me for something as insane as this movie is.

Remake of random three in the modern era. They make it 10 times as racist and violent, but it least passes the Bechtel test. Yeah, Rambo gets like a female sidekick. You like get to talk to another woman one time and then you get to sew that just happened. So that gives us a total score of 14, which is worse than the first Rambo,

better than the second. It's less than half of what we get the second one. So they're getting better. I don't know. Unpredictable franchise this. That's that's true. It's what goes off and it goes down. Yeah, I mean, the logic holds the next one should be really bad. Okay. I mean, I'm still in Roger Lee looking for. Oh, yeah. I'm really looking forward to that one. Well, thank you so much for listening. Nate, thanks so much for coming on. Thank you for telling me. Shall I listen to my side? Shall I? Shall I? Shall I? Shall I? Shall I? Yeah, still my fucking joke. In Shall I? We have a Patreon. You can subscribe to it.

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