Upstream - S2E9.5 Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London

Episode Date: October 5, 2022

It's honestly somewhat refreshing to see a movie be genuinely, wholeheartedly and earnestly racist against the English. I've never felt real hate like this before and I can only respect it. Anyway this movie is shit  ------ THE WINTER OF CONTENT As mentioned in the episode, the UCU has a fighting fund that you can contribute to here: https://www.ucu.org.uk/fightingfund If you do feel you have money to spare, please consider supporting your local food banks with money or time! donate to the Trussell Trust here: https://www.trusselltrust.org/make-a-donation/ or the Independent food aid network here: https://www.foodaidnetwork.org.uk/donate There are several ongoing strike funds that could do with some donations, and several can be found here: https://www.cwu.org/ Additionally, please consider joining a renter's union like ACORN, as rising mortgage rates will surely result in rising rent, here: https://www.acorntheunion.org.uk/join ------ Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------   *WEB DESIGN ALERT*  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by Alice Caldwell-Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com and https://twitter.com/killjamesbond

Look, I'm not a fan of child pornography, but... Not a child pornography fan, but this is class. Oh, he's such a zen. I'm now recording locally. Perfect. Just throw that into the blackmail file. They said they were not a fan of child pornography. If anything, it's exonerating

It's a phrase I'd love to have attached to my name Perhaps on a shirt You know I'm not a fan of child pornography shit It's prompting a lot of questions Answered on my shirt We've solved the new t-shirt design question Quite intensely I think

It's such a good It's like every Bond You solved the new t-shirt design question quite intensely, I think. It's such a good... It's like every Bond sort of like frowning outwards, and not a fan of child pornography. No, I'm not. I'm thinking you need to sync your recordings. Oh yeah. Three, two, one.

Mark. Delightful. Um, I think we can leave all of that. Yeah, anyway, speaking of doing horrible things involving children, here's Agent Cody Banks 2. Are you telling me that the CIA was behind Beanie Babies? I'm real sorry about this one Hello, welcome to another episode of Kill James I'm Alex Cobble-Calley

Joined by my friends as always Abigail Thorne, Devin Friends is a strong word, I think After this? Yeah. We did it. Joined by my enemies. We finally did it.

We found a worse film than Stormbreaker. And it was me again. In the weirdly prolific British child spy genre, yeah, it's Agent Cody Banks 2, Destination London, because we always have to start with a sequel. This is what Frankie Mooney's did after Malcolm in the Middle. Agent Cody Banks 1? Well, yeah, that too.

Remarkably quickly after it came out, a year after Cody Banks 1. Yeah, this film is kind of in... I've been doing some browsing on Wikipedia into the backstage of this film, and it's insane who was involved in making it and how connected they are. This film was made by the Deep State.

I also have this theory, which I think is contained within the text of the film. I haven't seen Agent Cody Banks 1, Destination wherever he goes in Agent Cody Banks 1. So, we see him instead

gillied up in the woods hunting other guys for sport like like i think we saw jason bourne do this in like the sort of cia uh training facility where you just like stalk people through the woods cody banks is 16 yes he's a teenager yeah he's and he's like at summer camp which is a cia training facility um and you can tell it's a cia training facility because all of the camp counselors wear jumpsuits with cia on the back not a bad look and they're doing not a bad look no no it's it's it's surprisingly strong but they're doing like, regular shit. They're really warm as well. They're like driving the hovercraft from Die Another Day, they're shooting big harpoons at a target, all of these things.

And this already gets me to my first problem, right? As soon as I see the big CIA jumpsuit, I go, that goes hard, I want one. But it also makes me go, you didn't normally, right? As now, against my will, something of a connoisseur of the child spy movie genre, normally what you do is you make up a child-friendly spy agency, like Whoop. Yeah, the child intelligence agency. OSS Junior. Yeah, for sure. it's sort of like a

venture brothers thing like the guild you have to have rules right you have to have a child-friendly spy agency and you have to pair them with like age-appropriate sort of uh enemies right this movie doesn't do that so it's just the cia just like stormbreakerbreaker was just like MI5 yeah Cody Banks is fully in the national clandestine service he was in Tora fucking Bora in 2003 waterboarding people Jack Ryan is saying to Cody Banks

people are not a big fan of you at the moment waterboarding, rendition Cody Banks is like not my unit yeah in Shadow Recruit when he's like it's not my unit! It was my unit. When in... Yeah. Yeah, in Shadow Recruit, when he's like, it's not my unit, the unit that was, that was Cody Banks. He was doing all of that shit. Why was Cody Banks on 9-11?

He was the one, like, escorting Saudi royals out of the country. He was probably on recess. He was quite young, I believe, during 9-11. I should imagine. So the vibe with this camp is like the typical sort of like pseudo-native American thing that

American summer camps so often do. It's called Camp Woody, by the way. But for instance, all of their shit conceals spy shit. The log cabins contain bomb disposal training, and most notably, a big totem pole contains a bunch cabins contain bomb disposal training, and most notably, a big totem pole contains a bunch of radar dishes and antennae, and

to me, this is obviously an interesting commentary on the National Security State's co-option of Native American identities, whether that's from SEAL Team Tomahawks to the Apache helicopter. And I think it's a very stark anti-imperialist message to put

in agent cody banks to destination london yeah um and i agree completely but so yeah so listen i as as brain god as a genius i i don't think of myself as like i'm not patting myself on the back too hard for figuring out the plot of a children's movie I like clocked the bad guy the movie that Amazon literally literally goes are you sure about this part? at this point Amazon's given up asking if I want to start a kids account

they've been just like okay this guy's just weird this guy's just a freak and for us fair we have to keep watching these fucking child spy movies wait you guys paid for this listen I'm expensing that like I am getting that

£1.99 back out of Kill James Bond limited my accountant doesn't need to know about this mine does my accountant is also the trash future accountant he has seen worse so yeah you're right that we do see our obvious bad guy captain victor diaz who has been like affectionately and ironically nicknamed

captain squishy i fucking love this guy he's the one guy in the movie who like doesn't have to pretend to be having fun uh he's like this this actor's performance is... unique. That's true. And he's really good. I think compared to everyone else, he's probably fine. It's outsider art. He's like, this is...

Right, the dynamic I'm trying to explain here is that Victor Diaz, played by Lily Allen's dad... Yeah, that's fucking insane right okay so again deep state number one i was gonna have three facts about this actor number one he is the director's brother uh number two he's done a lot of pantomime which explains his presence in the film and explains his presence in the film but then the fucking like the like the setup reminder twist the third shocking thing is that this is

Lily Allen's father. Yeah. Lily Allen, as we know, an agent of the deep state. Talent skips a generation, apparently. The way I would describe this sort of dynamic that he has with every other actor in this movie is only human

in a cast of Muppets. Yeah. What? This guy's a Muppet in a cast of Muppets like yeah there's this guy's a muppet in a cast of muppets this guy's muppet squared he's so off beat like in every scene he's like not listening to any other performance he's like no the emotional tempo of this scene is what i say it's perfect because he's playing like an ice chewing cia psycho who like stirs his coffee with a k bar who is like being forced to look after kids and do child minding and hates it

it rules one bright spot of this movie sometimes not being able to act is the perfect character choice yes sometimes sometimes you simply need to cast a bad actor and that's all there is to it

sometimes the stop clock is right all day like don't worry about it that's that's right sometimes it's just it's broken in a way that just follows you around um but so an alarm goes off because the parents are coming to visit and so they have to conceal all of their cia shit all of the like this is a fun little sequence they like stole all of their spy gear and stuff we also see that all the other kids on the camp really look up to Cody Banks and they think he's the best they've got the small kid they've got the weirdly ripped kid

this kid's not ripped he's just shirtless this kid's just got a bandana on and no shirt and that's his like character he's not in it and at this point like at least two of the kids have looked directly at the camera uh that i've clocked i'll stop doing it they're all like jesus christ that's cody banks yep so you get like the sequence of all of the super-spy CIA summer

camp activities being replaced with normal ones for a summer camp. All of the rockets go back underground. People start hiding the jet skis. It's a fun little sequence. And we see Cody's parents, who are sort of put

upon and beleaguered and kind of dumb, and his younger brother, kind of dumb and his younger brother Alex Yeah, his younger brother Will Byers from Stranger Things Yeah, Will Byers from Stranger Things who just incidentally delivers this line Isn't there some sort of exchange program we could trade him in for like a hot chick? Well, there is Yes, but it takes a while He's like 16 so like at least two years of puberty blockers so well i mean not in a

normal country in this one there would be in theory two years but in reality no years yeah agent cody banks three destination informed consent pathway destination a strange clinic it's a very realistic clinic. It's been realistic. Destination Canada to get, like, informed concern. Destination Yerevan. Yeah. But, yeah, his family don't know that he's in Destination Yerevan. His family don't know.

His family don't know he's in the CIA, much like mine. Yeah. Captain Diaz, like, hates it, hates everything. Oh, he fucking hates it hates everything are you fucking they do a single uh and then and then the next night uh like two black helicopters fucking zero dark 30 the summer camp which is i i was i was a bit concerned about where this was going you know in in my life many times when watching one of these movies i've written the phrase series of things happen but never more so i think than the the opening of agent cody banks to destination london it was funny that they had to get guys who like knew how to fast rope out of

a helicopter to be in agent cody banks to destination london for this you remember that bit in spy kids 2 listeners where the the kids punched the uh the bad guys and it was like quite funny and charming in a way yes this we do that here but it's not good so the kids just defeat the truth like five minutes yeah they're like tie the shoelaces together and like trip them up and we get like like sound effects it's just like, oh, Jesus we didn't know how good we had it with Spy Kids no, truly we did not as much as those were an insane

series of movies and I think we still have one left yeah, we haven't touched Spy Kids 1 owing to our rules or Spy Kids 4 they're so much better made than this so, yeah they attack the camp, the kids fight them, and Cody Banks gets Captain Diaz, who they think is the target of the attack, to safety.

They evacuate him in a helicopter. Just in time for Keith David, a guy I love to see in a movie! Or a video game, or anything. Uh, Goliath, Dr. Facilier, to show up as the director of the CIA, and go, no, we were actually trying to kill him, it wasn't like an exercise or anything. Uh, follow me to the secret lab underneath the summer camp. We were earnestly zero-dark-thirtying the summer camp. Yeah, we were fully, fully like trying to rendition him and you what you've done is you've perpetrated a series of like childlike goofs on us while we

were trying to do that but in a classic bit of american policing they went in far too hot and announced their present they went in with two helicopters would simply have knocked on the door and arrested the man would have been a lot easier it was a no-knock raid on a summer camp yeah um so at this point he he takes him down into the basement of like forbidden knowledge forbidden inventions uh which it has segues in it because those were cool when whenever this movie came out i didn't check i didn't care enough to uh no but they did once kill their inventor by driving him off a cliff, which to me is the perfect illustration of hubris. Creating the Segway and then meeting it on top of a glacier and it's like, I expected this reception. Why are you so cruel to me when you of all creatures owe me love?

Some sort of, like, motorized Daedalus, being like, you know, I'm really good at creating sort of wheeled transport. Definitely. Segway, like, I ought to be the Atom! Build me another of my kind! Definitely the second funniest inventor killed by his own invention after, like, Midgley Jr. Yeah, that's true. But so, what he does, keith uh keith over does

is explains to him okay so you know about mk ultra right yes a cia mind control program it's a cia mind control program it's it's a cia mind control program was a secret kill squad uh but he he genuinely explains like yeah we we were trying to do mind control at the cia but for like educational purposes and then i think the cia is famously involved in yeah and then this guy tried to do it but bad and he shows him uh like a little ipad thing and the placeholder text which i paused to, which you weren't really able to do when this came out, is a fairly accurate depiction of the US Army's Edgewood Arsenal tests as part of Operation Third Chance and Operation Derby Hat, where it's literally horrific. the time that they uh captured dosed up with lsd and psychologically tortured a soldier they suspected of um stealing classified documents for three months at a black site um you say psychological torture how how does that actually work um a lot of like weird temperature changes

and noises and uh like verbal degradation and like humiliation, the fun stuff. Just make you read the replies to my tweets. Yeah. They've got this one account that like knows exactly what they think you did. And they're going to post about it nonstop. They show you this picture of a cute library alien. You just go insane. Four days later, you just absolutely fucking mad.

Dose you up with LSD and show you children's literacy mascots what am I to assume about this mascot what's it's mum look like where is it's mother tell me what genitals it has now it scares and it's the most English way to torture

someone friend of a show so Google James R. Thornwell for a horrifying story fun note that they swapped out his name with the name of the VFX producer of the movie as a sort of Easter egg put that in the movie

why would you might be the first person to catch this by the way it's not even listed in the trivia on like IMDB no no no it's fully like You might be the first person to catch this, by the way. It's not even listed in the trivia on IMDB. No, no, no. It's fully like, in December 1960, a so-called special purpose team was assembled that dosed motherfuckers up with LSD across multiple countries, three continents. It's really bad. At one point, one of them got so concerned about the fact that they were dosing so many people with LSD

that he got paranoid that they had dosed him with LSD and their solution was why don't we give you some LSD so you can compare and contrast whether or not we've done it when you've got LSD every solution is just LSD essentially

when all you've got is a hammer all your solutions look like LSD, essentially. Yeah. When all you've got is a hammer, all your solutions look like LSD. Experimental Agent 1729, if anyone was curious. They really went quite heavily into the LSD. And that sort of distracted me for a while. It took me four hours to watch an hour and a half movie for children

because I'm neurotypical. It felt about that long when i watched it from beginning to end in in large part because when i read this i felt like so so so brushed by the wings of something dark that i had to like pause and get up and walk around for a bit and read a bunch about edgewood arsenal um yeah that's an unbelievably fucked thing to put in a children's movie it's just like yes cia mind control real here are some historical details about the time we uh threatened to drive a guy permanently insane and basically did and like um anyway you could have just used laura mipsom on at this like yeah

there's no reason to have done this someone had to source that text someone on this film knew knew about the horrible things the CIA did and still portrayed them as the good guys in this film. Yeah, it wasn't actually as easy to find out this stuff like that either. Also, the text there talks about targeted individuals. There's a whole other thing. We're not going to get into targeted individuals. The rest is true.

No, no. Thank God. So Diaz has stolen two CDs that make the mind control but bad work. Yeah, this is literally the way the movie frames it as well. They're just like, we did mind control but we were using it for education, Diaz did it the bad way, and then the headline of the text that you've just read was like, Diaz does it the bad way, and a picture of him, and then underneath some extraordinarily insane text.

Yeah, for like, a visual gag to insane text. It's so funny for like... Yeah, for like, a visual gag to be like... It's like a throwaway! Yeah. And then the subhead is like, uh... The subhead is just like... Hey, do you know this... You're like, no!

Yeah, in 1979, the CIA sent a guy with a lightbulb full of a fucking attenuated bacteriological weapon into the New York City subway, where he broke it on a station and uh deliberately tried to like Test how it infected people through the ventilation which it did and it killed about a dozen people anyway, um There's only one guy there's only one guy in the world who can make the discs work and do mind control to people and it's uh, fucking guy named lord kenworth british peer evil scientist james faulkner who does according to his like wikipedia page does a line in like british peer that's like his thing um so he we're gonna have to get you to infiltrate his his house his mansion under the cover of an

international youth orchestra it says in your file that you played the clarinet for three years but Cody reveals that he was lying about this in order to gaslight girls into dating him so at this point they go that's fine whatever they're probably just like yeah whatever

we'll teach you to play the fucking clarinet cut to that scene from Deutschland 83 listen about a tenth of the audience are laughing right now but they're laughing hard oh yeah absolutely

so at this point he flies to London and we get a song which is like we couldn't afford the clash. They wanted London Calling but couldn't get it. I also wrote royalty free London Calling. Yes. Yeah, that's the way it goes. I will be referring back to this.

London. London. Just up top. It's before we get to meet all of the British characters that we will meet for our list not English, British, no T these people it's so nice to see a movie being racist

against England I've never seen it successfully it legitimately it's along with Joe Biden this is my shining light of unexpected but very real anti-English prejudice and we deserve it

I think I've got some interesting things to say later on about the portrayal of English twee aristocracy but yes, we go to Britain and not just to Britain, to thank you, yes so Cody meets his handler played by Anthony Anderson And not just to Britain, to God. Thank you. Yes. So Cody meets his handler by Anthony Anderson, who is good for this film.

I would. The thing is about Anthony Anderson. So I wrote down guy I love to see. And I did some Googling and I wrote down under that until I saw that his Wikipedia page has an allegations. And now now he's not a guy I like to see. Which is a shame. He is too good for this movie. Yes. Still too good for this movie.

He is. No, this guy's such an American character. This guy's like one of the shared mythology of America. Which is just like, we've got a large black man to be really really over the top and he's funny he's your friend it's like Donkey and Shrek

it's like the entire Norbit thing this is just the way things go more or less like every role Chris Tucker has ever played playing an archetype there's a lot of Eddie Murphy. Oh, definitely. Yeah, it's an archetype. Yeah, um, and

you know, he takes them to their command centre, which is a black cab driven by a guy named Kumar, because mm. Uh, and I guess it's topical, I guess this is a Pimp My Ride joke, that it has, like, all of the secret features, chief among them a big sound

system, but like, I just watched this scene and I wrote down, ah, another day of writing not racistly. Dusting hands. It's another one in the can, and it's not racist. Yeah, no.

Also, there is, they drive through London, which is in a sort of very tourist series of shots, like hey, check out the London Eye, they all get out of the cab and I realise, all three of them, Kuma, Anthony Anderson, Frankie Muniz, all wearing the civilian version of the traditional US-ian huge suit. Where it's like regular clothes but it's fitted like the huge suit. I guess this is just how clothes were in

2004. I think this is just what Americans wore in the early noughties. They just wore clothes that were too big. It's very odd. Yeah. It doesn't have the same sort of valence as the huge suit. It's not quite as good as the traditional US-ian huge suit. You get such a, like,

Trip Advisor, Baby's First London, like, montage. They just, they drive past the fucking House of Parliament, they point at the tower and they go, that's Big Ben. No it isn't, but, like, whatever, who gives a shit? And then they get on the London Night, and then they go into the London Dungeon

underneath the fucking London County Council building. This is worth your money. This is worth going into. They renamed the London Crypts. Yeah. One door across

they could have had this entire fucking fake queue scene in Shrek's Adventure, and that would have been much better, I think. So, they divert off the ride and Cody has to meet a second British person. Do we need to

explain to audiences what the London Dungeon is? It's a fairground ride. It's like Pirates of the Caribbean, but it's like, it's Jack the Ripper! You know what I mean? So, he meets a second British person who appears to be, what I would describe, I've written down here,

as an eccentric, laudanum-addicted pedophile. Mine notes just say a very racist depiction of a British person. Sort of like Nigel Thornberry, but like dosed to the gills on opium. Enteres the scene making this... This is the guy the CIA came up with on LST2.

Yeah, yeah, and he enters the scene making this noise. He will be making this throughout the scene. He's got, like, bad teeth. He's, like, drinking a cup of tea. It's, like, really bad. Yeah, like, here's the thing right there's a difference between expectation and what this movie actually gives you i went into this movie expecting a bit of like light-hearted american chauvinism right just being like oh you're quite silly aren't

you as a nation instead what i got was a sort of brutal psychological assault on the concept of british i mean the character even calls london a backwater at one point which i found to be it says they screwed up and they sent me to this fucking backwater i'm like this is still one of the cultural and financial capitals of the world i'm not even from here and i hate this fucking city but still fuck you like whatever so he's like you want to talk about being from a backwater you're from the united states of america we can talk shit about britain that's fine that's legal that's allowed you can't fucking talk shit about britain no like this character genuinely is like a slur on british people not an inaccurate one but but... The first of

which is, this is where I first had the implication, but I'm gonna reveal it here. This entire movie is just a series of failed attempts to get a Kaufman star. Every single scene, there's like one guy, and it's his one scene, and he goes

ape shit, and then you never see him again oh god he's so right it's literally true like he's working so hard for the Kaufman like and there's so many bits like this and it's just it never lands any of them so it just

comes off as like mean spirited it's kind of incredible to watch a film just try bit after bit after bit and they all fail. Every single one. It's like listening to a lesser James Bond podcast. I can't believe there are any other James Bond podcasts.

Anyway, this guy's fucking Q. So he gives Cody his gadgets. This is the worst Q. He's like fucking satanic zone Q. We've seen so many fucking cues, and this is absolute bottom of the barrel, this guy. He's down there with, like, never say never again cue. Cockney cue.

I'm out his fucking S. He gives him some fucking devices, like directional microphone built into a retainer. Some Mentos that explode when you lick them for blowing open doors. Some other shit I don't recall. A grapple pen? I didn't think he uses that. A yo-yo that he uses. And a clarinet.

You have to use all of this shit, obviously. Yeah, of course. At this point he has to go to the mansion and meet Lord Kenworth's wife Lady Kenworth This is the other reason why this movie took me four hours to watch is because any time Anna Chancellor

is on screen I just start thinking about the shape that her chin is and how I want to I didn't notice anything I I'm gonna Google this one. Anna Chancellor? I mean, the thing is, this role is significantly more severe than I would say she usually plays. She was in an actually quite good BBC drama called The Hour for a long time, she was in

another BBC drama called Spooks that was also good. I keep referencing it because it's a spy show, but we're never going to watch it because it's TV. We're never going to watch any of the TV shows. Stop right there. It's the winter of content, which means that this space that would have typically held an advert for our Patreon has been

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represented by unite or gmb their strike ballots are due to open later this month. No date has been set yet, but I will update you as information is announced. UCU, the University and College Workers Union, the ballot is ongoing. Make sure you get that in ASAP. You can request a replacement ballot until the 12th of this month. And there is a strike fund that you can donate to that will be in the description of this episode. And there is a strike fund that you can donate to that will be in the description of this episode. Further, there are cost of living strikes planned by the UCU this month. The dates are the 6th and 7th, the 10th and 11th, the 18th, 19th and 20th. If you're not a university worker, but you live near enough university, check out if a strike's happening and feel free to join the picket.

Solidarity, things of this nature nature i shall be doing this uh the postal strike is ongoing i have a dates planned for this month are the 13th 20th and 25th please support these in any way you see fit um yeah that's enough of that i'll let you get back to listening to fucking Cody Banks 2 Destination London yes so she's playing is this woman cis? I

now you understand normally to get a chin and jawline like that you would have to go to a transgender woman but no she's just posh you get posh enough on a linear English scale, you become transgender. That's what happened to me! Yeah, it's like, it happened to you, happened to like, Eva Green, happened to fuckin'

Nigella Lawson, you know? So yeah, all of these women. And you know how I feel about women who look like this. But she's playing a sort of art teachery, or I guess in this case, music teachery, kind of scatterbrained role. I don't care. I'm not paying attention. I've stopped listening to the script at this point, I'm just thinking about various things.

I'm making notes about like fucking budgeting for FFS and like taking screenshots to show the surgeon um I don't know like this is like FMS yeah yeah for sure maybe I need some of that

anyway she has a butler called Treble and the joke is that he's senile yeah that's the joke isn't funny british people british people are a series of like type this is this is this feels about british people the way the movie men feels about men it's like yeah so this this here's a good point to talk about the portrayal of British aristocracy the film depicts British aristos as twee and out of touch

and eccentric and a little bit weird and on the one hand it's true, the British aristocracy is very like that but it's not just kind of a harmless character effect the reason our aristocrats are weird is because they have been insulated from the real world for so long by the kind of massive violence that they did to people of

another country through imperialism, but also to like the working class of this country too. Like the, yes, the upper classes of Britain are sort of strange and eccentric, but they are that way because they like live on top of a mountain of fucking corpses and never have to engage with the real world. Absolutely. So, so at this and never have to engage with the real world. Hmm. Absolutely.

So at this point, we have to meet the International Youth Orchestra. And I wrote down, wow, this feels racist again. Yeah. How would we describe the deal with these children, with these kids? It's the National Stereotype Orchestra.

International Orchestra of Stereotypical Children. So there's a big blonde kid from germany who plays the double bass yeah it's like the clinic from uh on a majesty's secret service various various country stereotypes nationalities represented yeah um there There's a kid who plays the French horn, who I guess is Nigerian. There's an Indian kid who immediately, sort of nerdily gloms onto Cody Banks as best friends forever. There's a British kid, a British child, who plays the flute. All of them can play their instruments. Cody cannot because he's faking it. They probably did want to get a London call-in,

but couldn't do it. Yeah, and you know what? I'm just going to do it again. No! It's so royalty-free. So Emily at this point says, do you want to mentos and like prominently shows the thing and eats a mentos and because I know it'll explode and then like pulls it out of her mouth and throws it out the window and ducks and then obviously it doesn't explode because it's just a normal mentos and they

all think he's weird yeah this is a bit that they get over it remarkably quickly he doesn't like have to hear about this for the next 10 years or whatever. They don't call him Mentee as a nickname, which British children obviously would. Yeah, it's not still on his Facebook wall 25 years later or anything. Not that I'm holding any grudges. They find out that the International Youth Orchestra are going to be playing at the G7 Summit,

which is going to be taking place at Buckingham Palace. Yes. For Prince Andrew. And Cody Banks is like, oh, shit, there's a G7 Summit going on, somebody's running around with mind control, that's obviously the target. Then we see that

Anthony Anderson is undercover as the chef, and he serves American food, and all the British people are like, I say! The senile butler has to struggle to ring the big dinner gong, and obviously this is a very involved, obscure slight against the aged British rank organisation,

as opposed to the virile Leonid in American MGM, who produced this movie. It's all wheels within wheels. There's a lot of deep symbolism here. That's why it takes four hours to watch the movie. You've got to really digest it. It's a rich text. It's a tapestry. I would say.

Yeah. And he makes them American food. He makes them crawfish grits. The traditional food of Compton, I guess. We do some bits, we do some jokes, they're not very good. I literally, like, the next sort of half hour of this movie, I have two notes, one of which is the words dog comedy. Yeah, comedy or something. So, like, how much answer, do you think it's like a head

Diaz meets Kenwood meets Lord Cormorant and is like yo let's do mind control Kenwood mind controls his dog to pour drinks look I've got the mind control working give me the second disc I'll do mind control we'll mind control all the world leaders it'll be great we'll take over the world

there's a bit where cody has lunch with emily um and it's kind of a meet cute and she's like who's your favorite composer and he looks at the ketchup and he's like heinz the head of the music academy is also a weird racist british character yeah he he why do you want a lady kenwood's foreign johnny and it's just sort of generally generally along along these lines in fairness every teacher at my school was like this yes that's true he also looks and sounds a lot like a lot of teachers at my school as well but also fuck off yeah again like we're not saying any of this is inaccurate like all of this is sort of a like um league of gentlemen sort of like a little Gentlemen sort of like Little Britain

level of contempt and horror for the British public but it deserved it is funny the accent of them making Hannah Spirit do it's probably like he's a bit odd

they ask about fucking Heinz what's his best work and i'm like oh god jesus christ what is this girl's accent is that how she really sounds i don't know if it is i'm i'm so sorry but more sympathetically i'm apologetically armed with the dog evidence they're like okay you're gonna go break into kenworth's lab which is in the tape modern um yeah that's really weird that there's just like they've shown us all these landmarks of they're like, okay, you've got to go break into Kenworth's lab, which is in the Tate Modern. Yeah, that's really weird that they've shown us all these landmarks of London and they're like, this is Kenworth Labs. And I'm like,

no it isn't, that's the Tate. I see that every day. They're trying to dissuade you from going to the Tate Modern, which they should do because you will have a disappointing time. Yeah, because they moved the Rothko's to the Tate Britain. I quite like the Tate Modern, but there are some curational problems.

Hit and miss. This has been the Kill James Bond culture segment. Yeah, every episode we just lightly review a museum. We always edit it down, until now. And then Lord Kenworth

farts in a lift, which is truly the nadir of the film. Yeah, whatever, yeah. And then Lord Kenworth farts in a lift. Yeah. Which is truly the Nadir of the film. It's, yeah, whatever, man. Yeah. So, Anthony Anderson has to try and, like, provide cover to get Cody in, which he does by, like, bringing in some urine samples and, like, spilling them on a guy's sandwich.

The security guard's sandwich. After he leaves, the security guard does eat it, which is the only moment of cinema or comedy or, like, true life in this movie. It's obviously, like, sort of a metaphor for our knowing consumption of ideology. It's a lot like the second circle of Salo. So you can really, like...

It's one of those things where you can really tease out sort of the Pasolini and sort of, like, metier here. Yeah, and then lord ken with farts in a lift um we're all worried about this episode making it to time we're all uh so cody sneaks into the lab and he finds out that kenworth and diaz they've put a mind-controlled ship in a fake tooth and then they knock out their victims with knockout gas and then they put the fake tooth in and then they can mind control so they have two thoughts about this about this dental this dentistry thing first of all this is obviously like a movie that's intended to like

give kids nightmares about going to the dentist which fair enough but second of all this is a very tinfoil hat pilled thing to deploy on the viewer. Your fillings are controlling your mind, is... Yeah, just sort of like, if anyone's having any latent dissociative disorders in the audience as a child, flush those right the fuck out now. Yeah, so, this is, as you say, the behest of the dentist, Santiago. I don't know what his deal is. What is this guy? What is this guy?

He's a very strange doctor. He looks like a discount mark heap. Santiago Segura. I don't know, this is a guy. This weird creepy doctor. So, Cody trips the alarm and escapes but he gets spotted on the CCTV and they're like, Jesus Christ, that's Cody Banks

Santiago's Santiago's another one of those genre of Peter Stormare coded people that are just never every time I see one of these guys I'm like it should have been Peter Stormare he should be in there, unfortunately

Yeah, well, you need an evil scientist character, right? And so you want a Russian guy, or you want a German guy Yeah, you want Valdor Bruchef Why have you gone for this? Spanish It just doesn't work Yeah, but so

one of the security guards, who all have regional accents, and they're the guards, who all have regional accents, and they're the only people who do, every other, like, every other British person sounds either like... Why do you want a Lady Kenwood's foreign, Johnny? Or like... And the security guards just are like, from Liverpool or Manchester, either. Just a normal sounding guy you're like oh yeah wow

these are equally comical to us but Cody makes it back to the music academy and they're like oh this should play a solo in front of everyone he's like oh I can't and then it's obviously it's fucking gadget clarinet so it plays itself

yeah it's fucking fly the bumarinet so it plays itself. Yeah, it's fucking flight of the bubble, dude. They all start... The fucking... The Deutschland 83 joke. Fucking watch the show because it's really good and it's in the first episode. Right! Oh, God.

Let's have a stretch. Alright, let's not just... Cody, seventh inning stretch. Cody excuses himself again because Diaz is following him. And they know that he is. And so this sets off a chase sequence with Cody,

his handler, and Diaz, who has a rocket launcher concealed in a flashlight flashlight torch. Cody's hand that borrows a bike off a British guy who's fucking the tech. This guy's a mod. Like an old school like Rockers versus Mod Mod. I'm like, were these guys around in 2004?

I feel like this is a way older thing. It's like suddenly the movie's set in America and suddenly you run into a hippie. And it's like, oh, they have those in America. It's like, not for suddenly like the movie's set in america and suddenly you run into like a hippie and it's like oh they have those in america it's like not for like 30 years man i'm i'm sure we've inflicted similar sort of like cinematic crimes on the americans in our time um but yeah it genuinely does feel a bit weird at this point um just because again, every British character in this is almost incomprehensible. That's to us! Maybe this is holding up a twisted mirror, and allowing us to see our own society quite clearly, and being like, oh, we really are horrifying, shit-covered orcs all the time.

But like, genuinely, it's quite weird. Anyway, so Cody leads them into the historic water bottle factory district yeah i wrote final fight in the water room yeah it's just like a room stacked full of the uh bottles for water coolers um and we see diaz has one superpower the one superpower that the English cannot tolerate. Something which allows you to land effortless knee and elbow strikes on anyone on Twitter, if you were an American and you come to this country and you simply... I am not.

Baw. That's all you need. Will infuriate any one of us. They have a fight, and it doesn't go anywhere, because Cody is arrested by the Metropolitan Police. Oh, this bit. Cody's arrested, and he goes completely Sigma male. Yeah!

Like, one full scene. Genuine, because this movie does not respect the British so much that it, like, then takes the idea of like a british guy who is also a cop and laughs even harder so good so so so he gets arrested by by armed met police very weird to see a ford mondayo arv but such was the time in 2004 yeah so this this film it shows the metropolitan police as being like sort of bumbling like working like you know friendly pc like local bobbies and stuff and it's like some police forces outside of london in rural areas are like that if you are white

um but like the met are absolute fucking psychopaths like there are a lot of like honest to god fucking nazis in the metropolitan police like they are they are absolute fucking psychopaths like there are a lot of like honest to god fucking nazis in the metropolitan police like they are they are total fucking psychos and you can't be like it was a different time because no if anything it was not you go back in time it was worse you know this this is like living memory of the big i've met the met stickers being stuck on people being kicked out of the back of vans you know like so we meet police commissioner who's played by a british actor called mark williams who's like very good actor yeah but who's who's metier who's dear i've said metier twice in this episode his his like fucking his idiom his working idiom is

sort of bumbling and affable yeah he was ron weasley's dad in the harry potter films that's what you probably know he was he was father brown in the father brown adaptation it's like i do not believe that this man has risen anywhere in the metropolitan Brown adaptation. And it's like, I do not believe that this man has risen anywhere in the Metropolitan Police, because if this man was in the Metropolitan Police... Well, you can get fucking anywhere if you're in the Masons, can't you? Well, no, if this man was in the Metropolitan Police, he would have been kicked to death for being gay.

I don't know. He's meant to be, like, a fucking... chief superintendent or something like that, so like, maybe he's been parachuted in from Surrey. But like, yeah. So essentially, Cody just laughs at the idea that a British person can be a cop, which is, I would say the correct thing to do if you were ever arrested in London, is just to like, find the idea that a British person has any authority to arrest you.

Hysterical. It's so funny, because he literally is just like, look, in about three minutes, maybe less, that phone's going to ring. You're going to listen to it, and then you're going to apologize to me and let me go. And, like, it's such like a fuck, like, he's fully just sat there, like. like it's such like a fuck like he's fully just sat there like he does the fucking thing from lord of war where he's just like yeah that phone's gonna ring and you're gonna let me go yeah it's so it's so ultra chad out of nowhere for the fucking reason it's such a good scene just to really sort of like flex the superpower muscles there yeah and this is exactly what happens and when when he is released he makes the cop apologize to him

which is this this was a great time in the us uk relations yeah yeah yeah um so at this point he walks down the hall and bumps into well he's he's taken to see her, in fact. Yes. Emily, who... Because the thing is, right, Britain, we invented the child spy. That's fucking right. We did this first. We had Alex Ryder before he fucking aged out into a twink.

We've had child workers and child soldiers, like, well before the US existed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dickensian shit in every field. Some of those chimney sweeps worked for the MI6. listening devices that's smart but there is literally a scene in this movie where he listens into a conversation from a chimney and like you gotta be a child to fit down one of those so seems logical to me where's my victorian child spy movie um patent pending patent pending she she's like an undercover officer and she's like a femme fatale

and when we come in the office there's a shot of her with her legs up on her desk that feels illegal I feel very strongly about this you can't do these coded things when the actor is a child because it just seems weird it's basic instinct

but like this is a 16 year old or something. I'm like very, very uncomfortable. Britain! Yes. We are not a fan of this. No.

The thing about this movie is that it correctly identifies that everyone in Britain is a hateful, awful caricature, and then it also goes, hey, you know what, a lot of paedophilia in this country as well. It's also true, yeah. And again, they're not wrong, but it's... It's critique! Come on!

It's critique, you can't argue with that. I'm not gonna argue. It's just, I don't know, they're in a position to... Britain, like, absorbing fucking 26 consecutive blows here. Um, because she's, like, a hard-bitten undercover cop, she's like, do you want to go to London's sort of, like, edgy Chinatown

district with me? Is it fucking, like, the Chinatown, like, Chinatown in... They're trying to make it out like this is the fucking, like, Blade Runner, but Chinatown is, like like one of the most tourist like cool places. It's literally one street away

it's genuinely it's one street away from Leicester Square the worst place in London. Yeah like the Lego store is literally around the corner from Chinatown in London it's unfuckingly horrible. I've never been so glad that they didn't decide to do

some Chinese music, you know? Oh yeah, because you know exactly where it would have fit in as well, because they did that thing where they opened the camera on the arch and then moved down to show everyone and you're like, oh. It's like, oh no, what if I have to pay £60 for a fucking takeaway?

Which they basically do. They get a rickshaw uh because that's sustainable and then cody gets kidnapped immediately with the knockout spray um there's they put the uh fucking control mind control chip in him there is a fun little joke which is the dentist trying to do actual dentistry so like the other guys like we put the thing and he's like he's got like a small filling and like a small cavity and like lower left three that I want to get it I realize this is

criticizing the performance of a child actor but I would have liked to see Frankie Muniz they've had it too easy for me I would have liked to see Frankie Muniz do more with evil Cody under mind control that would have been fun yeah but he wakes up. Change his costume, like, give him a different hairstyle,

make him emo or something. Yeah, do, like, fucking a Spider-Man 3 situation. Yeah, yeah. Make him weird with it. But instead he's just sort of, like, sort of annoying, really. Also, they just, like, immediately get it out of him. It's like, ah, come on.

That should have been the climax of the film. We have a brief moment of him it's like oh come on yeah we have a brief moment of sort of like body horror and lack of autonomy of having like cody having a serious neurological event where he just like repeats himself and like throws food everywhere and it's like yeah been there hope never to again quite heavy shit it's like joe biden child yeah he's like throwing fistfuls of beans at all the other kids and they're all giggling and I wrote, if anyone threw a fistful of beans at me I'd be the most furious motherfucker

on God's earth. That's a waste of fucking beans. Great western though. Also he just says beans on toast. Weird. Yeah, true. Admittedly true. They get it out of him with the expedient of like cutting up one of the explosive Weird. Yeah, true. No, that's good.

They get it out of him with the expedient of cutting up one of the explosive Mentos really small, and exploding a tooth out of his mouth, which is also horrifying. It's sort of pitched at about a Cronenberg level of body horror. Also, are they implying that

Anthony Anderson knows exactly how small to cut the Mentos because he deals drugs? Is that the joke? I did wonder if there was a crack joke in here. I'm not sure. Who was selling the crack, guys? Just think it through. That would have been the good joke.

CIA agent. That would have been a good joke, but no. Of course he knows how. He's a fucking CIA agent. Exactly. That would have been a good joke. But no. But no. Ah, well. How do you know so much about crack? And you go, I work for the CIA.

That's the joke. Yeah. They implant Keith David with the mind control thing. And then they go to Buckingham Palace to implant all of the G7 leaders with it. We get rule Britannia there's a debt anthony anderson is dressed as a nigerian dignitary which yeah yeah i get again sort of comedy this is what comedy was in 2004 we get it we there is one piece of analysis that i have here which is when we see the various g7 dignitaries we get a tony blair

impersonator we do we get a little tonti man he he was really the last time anyone knew or cared who the prime minister was like even boris didn't make that much of an impression yeah because we've got 5 000 prime ministers since then none of whom have been elected so imagine like a fucking gordon brown impersonator in a movie like this just no it it's nothing. It's nothing! Tony Blair was on The Simpsons. That's the last time anyone really gave a shit. It was a cultural moment, and it made me realize that a lot of the Labour right

who talk endlessly about Blairism and winning elections are as much like starfuckers as anything. They want that international prestige back. They just want Americans to think that they're hot, which I mean, same. All of them get mind controlled.

Kenworth in his most bizarre decision goes, okay, everything is falling into place. We're about to rule the world. Therefore, I am leaving Anna Chancellor, my wife. For whom?!

Why?! Under what circumstances?! Listen, if I- I wouldn't- I'm struggling to imagine a series of events that would, like, allow me to divorce Anna Chancellor, because I would spend every day of my life Yeah, so Tony Blair has been mind-controlled to name Lord Kenwood the director of the Royal Mint and then Anna Chancellor's like, congratulations

and he's like, thank you, I'm leaving you Also, they've mind-controlled all the world leaders except the President and the President is not George Bush. He's just dude. He's a guy. He's just a dude. President guy.

I love president guy, when there's a president who just has to be around. It's really weird. It's like, well, hang on a minute, you've got Tony Blair here. And also, as we see, there's the queen, Queen Elizabeth II. Queen detectives. But it's not George W. Bush. Yeah. So the youth orchestra, they have to convince them that they're

really spies, which they do, by beating up the little German child. And then, no little German boy, don't go into Agent Cody Banks 2, destination London. My God! It's full of British peoples! Racism against the British!

Yeah. Yeah. So the orchestra has to fucking stall for time. The little German boy does a cover of War. What is it good for? At this point, I was very liberally using the 10 seconds forward button on Amazon Prime. I was just like, no, I don't need to see this.

I need to see this. It really is. It's War. really is it's war what is it good for mashed up with the Cody Banks theme it's really bad the Queen and Tony Blair dance Derek is mind controlled to kill Cody

but then he's not Emily does a lot of a troubling illegal number of high kicks and stuff it's not good it's like a jump yeah yeah Cody like gets in the fight in the fucking palace gift my notes here say please let it end what one thing one thing I did fail to mention uh is that at the camp way at the beginning because this is like a sort of a brick line it comes back again um like like a brick line, it comes back again. Like a brick does.

Yeah. So Diaz tells him, at the beginning... Friends! Enemies! Everybody! They're all the same! Remember! Trust equals death!

Which to me, is a Cienfuegos moment. Because if you remember Mamma Mia 2, which is a very sort of light-hearted sort of musical number, Senor Cienfuegos just drops in. Enough for me. She left. Never to return. But don't you worry. I have made my peace

with pain. Yes, these two characters, that's how I live my life. But I'd like to award a sort of like very de minimis award here like a little cn fuego's ribbon or something for dropping a sort of a weirdly hard emotional thing into your into your light-hearted movie um but yeah so so he he tells him this again and cody's like no because i have my friends to support me and he uh fucking and i think he tells him this again, and Cody's like, no, because I have my friends to support me. And he fucking... I think he knocks him unconscious with a walrus horn or something. Yeah.

Kenwood gets arrested. It turns out the senile butler was a secret agent. There's a very chaste kiss on the cheek from Emily because it's a children's film. Yeah. Because, you know, that female affection is a reward for doing your job well. This is a normal thing to teach children. Anthony Anderson gets, like, let back into the proper CIA

and becomes a camp counselor at the camp CIA. Yeah, it's really funny how that is the, oh, you're back in the CIA. Oh, cool, do I get to torture people? Do I get to kill people? No, you're supervising children still. But now you do it in America. Well, depending on what you believe about epsi and a decent number of cia officers spent some time supervising children but uh yeah so uh cody's family comes to pick him up from camp no i wouldn't say i wouldn't say i'm a fan i'm just

observing and reporting you know um uh and and cody's cody's brother tries to eat the mentos so we end with almost fucking suicide bombing a minivan with a family in it that would have been a fucking dark ending Cody knows too much, take him out there was no sequel to this done so my assumption is that they did

that's my belief in the same way that Last from Spy Kids absolutely started doing torture they just killed Cody Banks off screen but we'll find out when Last from Spy Kids absolutely started doing torture. They just killed Cody Banks off screen. But we'll find out when we watch Spy Kids 4. It's not the same two guys.

Direct to fucking DVD sequel. What does this movie say about masculinity? I don't know. What does it say about severe looking dark haired women? One thing I do want to say how do i become one is that uh executive producer madonna whoa yeah completely fucking random again deep state ass movie there's 15 credited producers on this fucking movie yeah what the fuck i'm real sorry about this but i i this is shot in the dark like i thought it would be an easy watch i thought it'd be quick because I'm doing

like so many sword fights every day and I'm and I was like this is going to be like a nothing movie there'll be nothing to it it'll be easy and instead it's just what a fucking slog instead it was a series of like slurs and an assault against the dignity of the British people

which is intact as it is oh god we're in a rough spot right now. Really kicking us while we're down, you know? This movie is anti-British. It's like the financial markets and the New York Times, the failure of New York Times. It just hates Britain. Yeah.

Hey, but it made a profit. It made $2 million, which is more than I've ever made in my life by a lot. So, ah, movies. That's cinema. It made a profit, it made $2 million, which is more than I've ever made in my life, by a lot, so... Ah, movies! That's cinema, that's kino! That's kino, baby! Well, I shouldn't pick a bonus film for a while! We're putting you in the box, so we're not!

Too many times has this occurred! Although, to be fair, I have certainly brought us some fucking trash before in my time so i don't really judge very very little to to to rate or indeed to say about this other than you know um hey at least we don't have to feel bad about charging this one as it is the winter of content you get what you pay for, bitch. Our next mainline episode is going to be without remorse, I believe. Our next bonus episode is your pick. It is my pick. We're going to do Saloum, which is Senegalese.

Saloum, the 120 days of... No, we're not going to do Saloum. You can watch Saloum these days, it's nothing. I don't approve. Yeah, I've been saying this, it's like, it's remarkably, in fact I did say this on the last episode, it's remarkably tame now because I re-watched it.

Just re-watch Salo, why did you re-watch Salo? Just catch your fancy. No, because my fucking boyfriend wanted to see it because he had never seen it and had heard about how horrific it was, and I'm like, I promise you

it isn't. It's a film that you watch because you think it's important, and it turns out to not be. It's not even Pasolini's best work. I was thinking that recently. I ended up finding out that

The Marquis de Sade is actually what sadism Is named for Additionally masochism Also is named after a guy Yeah Leopold von Sackermasoch A Venus and Furs guy A man who is on record saying Please stop using my name to mean this

And guess what He was a masochist so he probably Fucking loves it to be honest on record saying, please stop using my name to mean this. And guess what? No. He was a masochist, so he probably fucking loves it. Yeah, true. Anyway, Saloom. It's a good movie. I want you to see it. And I've even got a guest lined up. Oh.

Nice. We will see you for that one. In the meantime, thank you for joining us. We have a Patreon. I'm advertising this because you don't have to be on it to listen to this episode because of the winter of content that we're doing. But if you want to give us some money, if you're able to give us some money, give us some money, you know,

because it's getting more and more expensive to live in. And also, if you're an American and you give us like a dollar, that's like two pounds. So your donations go further. It's like 20,000 pounds. We have a very weak pound right now. It's not going to

please. I need to keep the heating on in my house. Oh my god, you've got the heating on? Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. This has been a bonus episode, but due to the winter of content, it's on the free feed. If you have any spare money whatsoever at the moment, please head on down into the description where i have several charities that we would prefer you to support than us at this time but of course i do like eating so thank you uh to our patrons and thank you especially to our 15 pounds and above patrons and those are christine fox amanda comet forks winchester gustavo lira jack holmes paint mccallough george rohack thomas

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Thank you to my mother. Gil James Bond is, of course, Alice, Abigail, and Devon. Our producer is the wonderful Nate Bethea. Our podcast art is by Matty Lubchansky. And our website is by Tom Nate Buffay our podcast art is by Matty Lepchansky and our website is by Tom Allen see ya