Kill James Bond! - S3E18: OSS 117: Terror in Tokyo

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

This week: We're fucking back to fucking eurospy you mother fuckers. Our Duty is ironclad, our Will steadfast, our Vision clear... And we're using this to derive a perfect forumla for a Eurospy movie. The names change but the roles remain the same every time. 009? M? Bond? The 'our man in [location]', the local guide, The first woman, The second woman, SPECTRE, the Boat that gets blown up... All here, all present. Never quite the same but always familiar, similar. ------ FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. Give money to people crowdfunding for passage out of Rafah first and foremost, then purchase ESIMs, then donate to this link if you feel you need a big name attached to the fund to trust it. Please don't only donate money. You have to do other things now. https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- A New place to listen! Our entire backlog has been ported over to youtube, and can be found here! ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT  Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/   Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

the message. It's Japan. Ohio Gaziamus. Ohio Gaziamus. We're in the dregs. The dregs of Euro Spy season. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly, I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail, Thorne, and Devon. Hey!

Hello. I am both my own hostage, and my kidnapper in life. Decided to do this, and I'm now ready to end it. Yes. I thought this one was okay, it's not that bad. It's the same movie. I can't believe how many of these films in the 60s, they just made the same movie again and again.

It makes me appreciate the degree to which these days we have a plethora or a smorgasbord of content and you go to the movies, you can be reasonably well assured that on two different days you can be reasonably well assured that those films will be different films. But this is just like, the Spy Who Goes to Japan, we've seen that movie like five times! Do you think that in the 60s, Spy Who Goes to Japan was like their MCU? Or just like, stop showing me movies about this. No, the MCU has different genres in it, different takes and stuff, like these are- it does, it does!

Like, I have to think Disney makes very good products. But I'm just like, it's just the Spy Who Went to Japan, again. Yeah. You know, all of these characters, they're stock characters, and these stories, they repeat themselves. It's a monomyth. Honestly, this is more... I think we should write another myth.

I think we should come up with a thousand more faces for that hero. A bi-myth. It's more like an oral tradition at this point, watching these Euros by. You get the, there's a 009, you have the girl in the middle, you swap to a different girl, and at the end you blow up a boat. Absolutely. Absolutely, the thing is, right, it's like an expansion of same-guy theory, this is same-film theory. For about a year now we have been watching the same film, and this is the most the same a film has ever been.

RILEY We accidentally worst idea of all timed ourselves. ALICE Yeah, yeah, we have seen... RILEY We watched the film again, Lesmus! ALICE Yeah, we watched the film, it's time for your weekly The Film, and this time, the film is called A Tute Coeur A Tokyo pour OSS-Sans du Set, which has like 50 English titles, I went with OSS-117, Terror in Tokyo. LESMUS Yes, I think that's what we're going with. ALICE The Wikipedia's calls it like, Trump Card in

the Heart of Tokyo for OSS117. That's fucking stupid, actually I like that way more. What? There's a bunch more English titles for it, for no real reason. It doesn't have anything to do with cards! Or Tokyo, really, to be honest. Like aside from- I get the message. It's Japan.

Not much to make it particularly distinct from Bangkok and the last OSS Sunday set. Oh my gosh, you're right, this isn't even the first time this series has done the film. Yeah, in fact, I'm pretty certain it's the same film, with the same guy, because I know they changed OSS 117s a few times, but I think this is, like, the second time Frederick Stafford has been the spy in the city in Asia in the film, yes. Yes. It's not even you only live twice, it's you only live five hundred times.

You only live infinite number of times. And I will say this, one reason why this may seem familiar, and why this may seem like the film, is that it was written by Terrence Young, the guy who directed Dr. Noah from Rush With Love and Thunderball. Oh, okay. I mean, I did think it was, like, a competent incarnation of the film. That's because they poached the director for the first three Bond movies to write this. Okay. Yeah, and those are the good three Bond movies, as far as I can tell.

Oh, the writing, I mean, par excellence, right? But this doesn't have anything in it as inspired as Klepp. It's true. Or as magical as Kronstein, or as, you know, Suave, it's just like, it's the film again. ALICE I was ready to open my heart, right, if you had given me a French Klebb, Le Klebb, it would've been perfect, you know, you give me a French Kronstein, I'm on board with it, but instead this movie offers me very much

the same story beats, although there is one way in which it differs, right, it doesn't have a 009 scene, it doesn't open with like, this dipshit got killed, now it's time to meet the real spy. SONIA It doesn't even bother because, like, we start with OSS Sondisett on a previous adventure, right? He's driving through some beautiful European countryside, like half of global warming hasn't happened yet. He's being pursued by goons in some lovely 60s cars. ALICE They're still in the fuck around century, y'know?

SONIA Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes to a rock quarry. ALICE Mm. Likely place to film an action scene, y'know? SONIA And Charlie's Angels, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like, y'know, Star Trek scenes being shot just, y'know, out of frame. ALICE Every Doctor Who scene. SONIA Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what's noticeable to me is that there's no music? Like if you to open your film on like a thrilling spy chase, you can't just have like, vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv I will say something funny about the way that my brain works, right? In the background of this, I was looking up who did the music for this. There's a guy called Michel Mann, right? Which is the French name of Michael Mann. There was a guy who did the music to this? You mean the guy who was told to do the music for this and didn't set up to work? Michel Mann, director of Chaleur. But like, because my brain is fucked, I read that he studied at the Paris Conservatory, and I read that as controversy, and I'm like, because my brain is fucked, I read that he studied at the Paris Conservatory, and I read that as controversy, and I'm like, damn, this guy's cancelled. Like, skimming the Wikipedia article, I'm like, yeah, this guy's fucking done. He's cancelled.

They say you gotta teach the controversy, this guy is studying the controversy. The Paris controversy. And that's another one of the same movie, is this the Paris controversy? I know, like a discounted Robert Ludlam novel, the Paris Controversy. And that's another one of the same movie, is this the Paris Controversy? I dunno, like a discounted Robert Ludlum novel, the Paris Controversy. Wait, hold on, I think I can cancel Michel Mann, and this is, you can tell how little there is to talk about in the actual movie here, because he married his wife in 1970, having met her while she was hitchhiking as a schoolgirl, and he was born in 1930, so he was 40 when that happened.

Fucking crazy. Trying to be a paedophile missing and marrying the girl. Incredible. Also, I'm aware of the Paris controversy, but I do think her memoir was really good, and also she's a good friend of mine, so, it's fun. We've blown past all the recommendations in the accords that they did afterwards as well. Yeah, it was cooler for her recommendations in the accords that they did afterwards as well. ALICE Yeah, it was cooler for them to put those accords in there.

So yeah, we have a mid chase scene, there's a Ford Mustang with the yellow French headlights which looks cool. ZACH Not fancied, there's a Goon car, they're following. ALICE Why the numbers? NICOLA Yeah, he shoots some yellow barrels which are in the quarry for some reason. ALICE Yeah, this is the thing. I note this down. It's in France, right, instead of our beloved traditional red explosive barrel, they have yellow explosive

barrels, and just little cultural differences like this really make me feel like I'm watching a foreign film, it really gives me that sense of culture, y'know? SONIA Mmhm. So he shoots some yellow barrels so they leak petrol, and then he throws a lighter at them and blows up the goon cars, and then he takes off, this is where we should have the da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- The nonce who did the music for this did show up to do some music, it's just that all the music was the racist kind, so all of the kind of like, you are in Asia musical cues of like a 20th century European movie are here, right? Including the theme. Our beloved OSS theme has been turned into that as well. S It never recovered, it never got better after

the original OSS Sunday set thing from the first one. Kow and Matthews, they never should have fired him, you know? Yeah, well we had the oh la la. This is just, it's, they've made him straight, they made him straight and it's not as good as, he should have a gay. But anyway, this way we get the, one of the best M briefing scenes we've had in a while. Yeah, I'll give you the drop again.

I get the message. It's Japan. Well no, cause M basically says, OS OSS only set you're late to the movie 009 has already been killed off-screen. Yeah Spectre have an undetectable missile They want a hundred million dollars in diamonds or they're gonna blow up one of our military bases in the Far East and they already did It they did it yesterday like they're not fucking around. This isn't like the tick and cock for the end of the film. Oh is this, where have you been, dog?

Whilst you've been shooting barrels in the French countryside? These motherfuckers already blew up a military installation! ALICE I really like Specs' approach here, to be like, we want $100 million from you, within 24 hours, and to prove that we're serious you have zero hours. NIGEL Yeah, you have minus three hours! RILEY $100 million away blow up a base, and to prove that we're serious you have zero hours. RILEY You have minus three hours! RILEY $100 million dollars a week blow up a base, and to show you that we're serious the base has been blown up.

We've not yet identified a second base, but... ALICE Yeah. RILEY We'll get on it. But yeah, they're gonna strike again, like, they prove it, they're not gonna fuck around, they ozzymandias this. ALICE How have they blown up this base though, specifically? What's their method? RILEY Right, you have a big briefing, this is one

of the two funny things that happen in the movie, they have a big briefing where they're like, they're classic slide projector and everything, they're all sat around, serious as hell trying to figure out what's going on, and the idea that gets put forward is, what if they made a small plane so that it could be on radar, and you'd think it was far away because it was so small, but actually it was close to you. ALICE It is legitimately the Father Ted small far away thing, yes. They have miniaturized a fighter plane.

RILEY They're like, what the fuck, no one could've shot down this thing, cause that plane was too far away on the radar. No, just small, mate, just small. KAYE Is that how radar works? RILEY No. But crucially, you wouldn't think of that. You wouldn't think, oh, someone has made an exacting small replica sort of model aeroplane. Tiny F-35. Welcome to tiny fighter world, Winston.

And yeah, as M says... All of human warfare into pre and post tiny fighter plane. It really changed. I mean, that's basically what a drone is, so they kind of were ahead of their time here. NICOLAS Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it is, as we see later on, it's like, unpiloted, it is remote control. But they say, well, there's an F-35, but it's miles away, it couldn't have been that. I know SS Sunday said it's like, oh, monsieur, what if it was just a

petit? And they're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Go to Japan, you dipshit. ALICE Yeah, literally, it is like, next location, he's like, don't fucking tell me, Japan, I see on the title of the movie. I will also say that Spectre here is called, once again, The Organization, and M's line is, you know, we've been contacted by a mysterious organization known as The Organization. I think I would love or possibly hate to be contacted by a mysterious organization known as The Organization. I think I would love or possibly hate to be contacted by a mysterious organization. Oh man.

Depending on what the deal was with it, right? I would hate to get an email that changes the whole rest of your day, and I think getting contacted by The Organization would really fuckin'... This is basically my relationship with His Majesty's Revenue and Customs. They are the organization that just tells me, yeah, shit's fucked now. I dunno, I love it when the organization calls me, it means I get to kill people for money, it's one of my favorite things to do.

Calling your polyglot the organization, so you can say I've been contacted by a mysterious organization, and it's just like three of your wives telling you that, y'know, they want you to pick up dinner on the way home. That's so good. We have people everywhere. For god's sake, you don't expect them to actually mean it, polyamorous people use that expression. Expect them to have someone in the room. Wilson within that polygym.

That's so good, I love that. I'm always sending my girlfriends out to check the perimeter. Yes. First thing to know about polyabros people is we have people everywhere. These stories are, they come from ancient times, they appear like once a generation, they get retold. Oh yeah. Like always, here's our guy in location.

Yeah. In this situation it's a little lad called Saki? Yeah, well here's the thing, they have like a white CIA guy, and then they have Saki, the local employee, and also, for some reason, neither of them are OSS117's contact, who is a guy called Rolfston, who never shows up in the movie, and is killed off screen in a phone call. NARES Once again, they're just like, OSS117 said you're late to the movie, you're Felix? The guy you were supposed to meet, Felix Leiter?

He's fucking dead! He's missing, we don't know where the fuck he is, right? He's gone missing, and he told us, like, CIA dude and Saki, your local guy, don't get attached... Babcock, and Saki, yeah. To watch over this girl, Ava Wilson, she's our 10 out of 10 smokeshow for this. She has amazing eyebrows, and then she also has the unfortunate distinction of being a slightly more cunty doppelganger of my abusive ex, who looked very much like this and was also part French, so I was just like, hmmm.

Wasn't surprised when she turned out to be evil. Yeah, this by the way is Marina Fladey, she starred in two or three things I know about her, and this is the thing about all French movies, you watch them and you're like, that actor was in a way better movie, this is not a good movie, but she's in this, right? And the deal is she's a Cypher Clark, you remember, embassies used to have these, there was one from Russia with Love, she has been sexually blackmailed. And it's unusual that they make this quite explicit, right? Like a guy, a Japanese guy, has compromising explicit photos of her. SONIA And Rolston, I think, is the idea that, like,

they went on a date, she blacked out on the date, woke up in a strange place, went home, a week later a Japanese guy came to her and was like, yo, I have pictures of you and Ralston having sex. Give me the radio codes so I can find out where the base is or we'll post them on the internet when that's invented in 50 years. A little note here is that there's one of the guys in the interrogation room and this is a rare usage of the word incredible to mean like not credible. But what instead happens is that she goes, a month ago I met a very polite hot guy, you know, we went out to the cabaret in Mikado, next thing I remember I was waking up alone in

a bedroom in a Tokyo suburb, and this guy in the background in a full business suit goes, that sounds incredible. ALICE LAUGHS. You ever see someone get gender dysphoria in real time? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. Alright bro, you're working through something, that's nice. I mean, it wasn't, it was actually kinda bad, but yeah.

Also, something that struck me about this is like, in the pre-internet days, someone leaking your nudes was like, still very bad, but probably like a much smaller threat, I wanna say? ALICE You would hope so, yeah. SONIA Cause what's, like, he's gonna, like, nail them to a church door? Like, what's he gonna do, like? ALICE The thing that she's worried about is that she's gonna tell, that he's gonna tell her husband specifically. SONIA Oh, yeah, okay.

ALICE And so OSS, like, devises, of course, obviously, the spy-cops plan, again, where he's like, I'm going to pretend to be your husband, and it's weirdly, it's like a sort of like, cards up spy-cops, where he's like, he tells her, I'm gonna show up, pretend to be your husband, you have to act like you're in love with me, and we're gonna, like, entrap the blackmailers." SONIA So rather than, like, send her home to the US to be, to like, stand trial, basically, for being an accessory to blowing up those bays, they say, well, we're gonna let you go, and you're gonna be the bait, and my cover is I'll pose as your husband. So, that's what they do. And then he assaults her. ALICE Yes.

ALICE Consent is key. SONIA On-screen sexual assault, within the first half an hour of the film. Yeah, and the way that this is played throughout the whole movie, and for what it's worth, it's repulsively written but kind of well acted, the idea is this kind of like, you have this free song, you have this banter between them, right? So like, he gets off the plane as her husband and sticks his tongue down her throat, right? So like, he gets off the plane as her husband and like sticks his tongue down her throat, right, and she essentially goes, uh, what do you think you're doing? And he says, well, you know, they reward me for being audacious or whatever, it's why

they made me a colonel. And she goes, they should have made you a general. Which is a funny line. It's just within the context of, oh, you're writing banter about, like, sexually assaulting a woman. It's bad. Yeah, she says they go to a restaurant and they're like, you know, waving to people and like, hello- Neither of them know how to use chopsticks. No.

The whole scene is filmed around neither of them. Both of them are holding chopsticks, wrongly, but neither of them are ever gonna go for any food with them because, like, they don't know how. So they're just in kind of chopstick stasis. S Well the actors don't know how, but the character, she's meant to be able to, like, she's been living in Japan for years and speaks Japanese. A So she's supposed to speak Japanese, yeah.

S Yeah, yeah. I think she's meant to at one point, but she's like, oh, how far will you take this role? And he's like, oh, when my country's interests are at stake, I stop at nothing. And it's like, eugh. Small man misogyny. ALICE It's gross. My next note is just, stares at tits. Which I think he does, but I don't remember... RILEY Nah, he puts a little recording.

ALICE Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. SONIA Cause they get a note from the blackmailer being like, come and meet me at the blackmail location. And she's like, oh shit. RILEY Like a fortune cookie or something, vaguely. SONIA Yeah, yeah. ALICE They get like three fortune cookies, and the first two fortune cookies are like, ancient wisdom bullshit, right?

All warfare is based, and then the third one is like, meet me at the blackmail location, re-blackmail, per my previous fortune cookie. ALICE Or if not expecting blackmail. ALICE Yeah. SONIA This is a total fucking aside, I'll just tell this for fun. ALICE Not this podcast! SONIA Which is that like, twice in my life I have

received fortune cookies that were weirdly apropos to the situation I was in. So one time I was kind of slowly becoming involved in a thing with someone, and we hadn't gotten together yet, and we were both in relationships with other people, and we went out for some Chinese food, and we both got the same fortune, which was, be careful, you are easily tempted, and we were just like, well we have to have sex now, the fortune cookie told us to. And did. Your honour, I had sex because a cookie told me to. A baked good. That cookie was the most like Hail Mary anti-having sex with that person event.

You know, I've never given you. Well, we then had a nice relationship for a while. But then anyway, and then most recently, I was in a breakup with someone and we went for Chinese food and my fortune cookie said, do not give in to cynicism. And I was just like, oh, thank you once again, fortune cookie said, do not give in to cynicism. And I was just like, oh, thank you once again, fortune cookies. You have a special relationship with a fortune cookie, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My question is, why are fortune cookies a Chinese American food item on the menu, question mark, in Japan at a Japanese- I wouldn't worry about it. Okay, yeah, no, you're right. They're not even cookies, they're like fortunes wrapped around a piece of stone that gets given to them, and I don't know, very bad cookie, very bad for your teeth. ALICE Oh, you get your, like, fortune stone thrown

at you. SONIA Don't eat that, unless you're fortune... ALICE Just like, check out this proverb, idiot. He's like, fine, we're gonna entrap them, and the way we're gonna do that is, because Japan is just becoming famous at this point for, like, microelectronics, here is this Japanese-made brooch that contains a secret microphone. And I will say that it's slightly more realistic than a lot of, like, bugs in movies, in that it has to have a power source. This is a recurring bit, though. We are told that these microphones have to have a power source? This is a recurring bit though, we are told that these microphones

have to have a battery wired to them, and so later on on another woman he'll be like well where do you keep the battery? And so he kind of sexually assaults her some more in the course of putting this brooch on her and then wiring the battery to her and he unzips her dress and ogles her from the back. And it's meant to be suave and she's meant to be like, is she maybe a bit into this despite herself? And like I say, this is well acted so it conveys that, it's just that what it's intending to convey is so fucking gross now that you're like...

"-the raw facts of a situation or not." Yeah, I don't know that I would act like this, I don't know that many women would act like this, y'know? Just a thought maybe. But you show this to an audience of like, 1960s French guys, and y'know, they love it, and they develop some strange ideas about women. SONIA Also, something I noticed is that she's outdoors, wearing this brooch microphone, and there's no, like, dead cat or anything on the brooch,

so presumably all the sound she's gonna capture, apologies to address it. NIGHTMARE POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP

POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP Tokyo, but it's like so perfunctory that I don't even bother writing down, you will never be in 1966 Tokyo, because it doesn't look like anything! ALICE I did write that! It looks pretty, I liked it. ALICE They don't give it the attention it deserves, so it's just like, and here's... like, you only live twice! Gave more consideration to like Japan as a place that might be cool to look at, than this movie does. SONIA He does the same thing Sean Connery does in that, which is he walks around looking at Japanese stuff and just shaking his head, so a guy goes past wearing, I don't know if they pronounce Gita or Gaita, but like, Gaita, the clogs with the little like, um, stilts

on them? And he just shakes his head and I'm like, that's normal. Only in Japan. Oh you crazy Japan, what'll you think of next? I get the message, it's Japan. Seeing a totally normal pair of shoes. It's like, I understand, it's Japanese. There's a couple of these, he like, because the meet is happening at the, like, at a temple, and so, any time he goes past, like, the, like, tori, any time he goes past the, like,

statuettes and stuff, he looks at those and he goes like, ah, Japan! What do you think of next? It's wild that you have all this. Meanwhile... "-there's a lot of paper over here, this is crazy!" It's wild! Meanwhile, she's kind of, like, bantering with him some more over the microphone, she's making fun of him for being a pussy, which is always a reliable way to get me to like you, as a character in a Bond movie. Because she's like, yeah, I'm taking all the risk and the gallant Colonel is just, like, sitting in his car watching. That prompts him to get out and be like, check out all this Japanese shit they got in Japan.

FINE FINE FUCK I'LL COME. I'M WALKING AROUND THEN. DICKHEAD. I'm not intimidated by sandals. I will allow myself to be goaded into taking unnecessary risks. I am a very good spy. They made me Colonel." It's weird to be like, he mentions this at every opportunity, it's his rank, y'know? Bond never hits you with the commander, y'know? "-Doesn't." I'll say that in his favour. So, she goes to the blackmail meeting, there is a guy in a sinister trench coat, and I love a sinister trench coat, you don't get this these days, you can't even buy them. At some point they decided to stop selling the kind

of trench coat that makes you look like mad sinister. What else has he got though? What else does this guy have? Probably shortly after Columbine I'm imagining. Different kind of trench coat, this is like the kind of khaki coloured like, Macintosh? They do sell these to women, to like, specifically like very tall skinny women. Well that's my problem, like, on a couple of counts, yeah. KS I've seen them in those.

ALICE I guess, there's never been, as far as I know, a mass shooting perpetrated by a guy wearing one of these Macintoshes. Because the only firearm available to you when you're wearing one of those is a snub nose revolver, so you get to shoot six people. KS Right. RILEY We're now coming together with a sort of metric of whether or not specific jacket types have been used in mass shootings here. ALICE Yeah. RILEY But most of my jackets are still in the clear,

I think. ALICE The other thing this guy has is a facial deformity, which we haven't seen in a hot minute, but as a classic for a spy series, he's got a little facial scar. RILEY Yeah. It's very strange that we haven't seen this in a while, because you would've assumed that 1960s movies would be worse about things like this, but it's actually worse now. That's true.

That's earnestly true, especially since the scar itself is quite subtle. I didn't pick up on it until he describes this guy to someone else later as, like, oh, he has a scar under his eye. I missed it completely. Yeah, I mean, it's not very well done, so it could just be like, sauce or something. I was thinking about the coat. Because nowadays, most, like, all Five for Five Craig Bond villains had a facial deformity. God, that's true! Every single one!

I guess they thought the scariest thing is, like, what if there was a businessman? Well, I mean, also, you have to bear in mind that it was also way more racist, so they thought the scariness quotient was increased a bunch by, like, being Japanese. SONIA That's very true, yeah. ALICE Japanese guy with, like, a really minor scar, is like, that's the most terrifying thing your average 1966 French person has ever seen. SONIA I haven't calibrated my Hitler particle detector for, like, the 1960s audience. ALICE This is, I mean, specifically French, so it's like a PTAH particle detector, but yeah.

I guess to an American audience, at this time period, some of them might have within their lifetimes been fighting Japanese soldiers. Yeah, absolutely. I don't know, I've never really considered that. 21 years earlier? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so her mic cuts out and then she gets into a car and drives away, and Sundy

Set follows this guy into the world's most obvious trap, which he immediately falls for. Romantic meeting. Yeah, right? Genuinely, I wrote this out, so he follows him through a kind of weird sex club, right, and this being a traditional thing that we get to poke of weird sex club, right, and this being a traditional thing that we get to poke fun at Japan for, right, because nowhere else has weird sex stuff. And the weird sex stuff is, he walks in, he pays the thing at the door, and they hand

him a camera, and the idea is there's a bunch of men with cameras taking photos of strippers, right. This is not a sustainable business model, you have to buy all the cameras first and pay the strippers, right? This is not a sustainable business model, you have to buy all the cameras first and pay the strippers, I mean, these days, if you want to get together with a bunch of your friends and take film photos of beautiful women, you just have to transition to do that. So. I assume they don't allow you to take pictures in a strip club. I've never been in one, but I assume that's the case.

It's like a themed activity, I think, is the idea. So it's like, if your fantasy is to take photos of women, then you can just do that for a fee in a controlled environment. I mean, this whole sequence, you're showing me 1960s Japan by night shot on a film camera. I'm only fucking human, okay? I see the thing, the neuron activates. What am I gonna do? You know?

Yeah, absolutely. Trying to take you two to the strip club where they give you the cameras and you guys are Okay, I see the thing, the neuron activates. What am I gonna do? You know? Yeah, absolutely. Trying to take you two to the strip club where they give you the cameras and you guys are complaining about the camera. I was trying to look at what model of camera it was and I couldn't even make it out and that really upset me. Yeah, and specifically because of that I noticed that it changes to a different camera on one shot.

And I was like, it's such a cinema sins ding ass thing to notice. I swear to God, that's not the kind of film criticism I wanna do, but I was staring directly at the camera. ALICE There's so little else, like, fucking substrate for the film criticism here, the actual, like, the movie, there's so little in it that we're reduced to this. SONIA They do have this, like, kind of gay tension, cause he follows him into, like, I guess a hotel or something, and then the Mr. Facial Deformity is standing at the other end of a gay tension, because he follows him into, I guess, a hotel or something, and

then the Mr. Facial Deformity is standing at the other end of the corridor, like- He's like framed really beautifully here as well, he looks over his shoulder, he's a good looking guy, he's wearing this fucking menswear jacket, and the thing about a trench coat, this kind of trench coat, it's got like a kind of waist to it as well, which a lot of men's clothing at the period didn't. He's like, over his shoulder, he's smoking, and I'm like, damn, we're gonna like, fuck this guy or what, boss. And obviously OSS Oni said he's thinking the same thing, right, and so he advances...

He starts walking towards him like, okay. ... upon the like fuckable Japanese man, at which point he is made victim to the textbook uncalled shot. And I mean, this is straight out of the instructional DVD. ALICE Incredible stuff. ALICE Like, they trained for eight months to sell this Uncle Choph. It's beautiful, a guy just, like, waits in one of the side rooms, and as soon as OSS Somdyset goes past him, comes out and pops him right between the shoulder blades.

It's beautiful. ALICE Oh, he goes down, it's beautiful, I love it. He makes this incredible face too, like he's Howard Moon in the Mighty Boosh just going, oh! It's so good, the Uncle Chop face is like an art unto itself. But then at this point, the goons who are carrying him away unconscious, having been thusly chopped, they get chased away by some other guys who then just, like, just abandoned him and then he wakes up backstage at the strip club? ALICE Yeah. They check his ID and they see that he's like, Mr. Wilson, and they go, oh, well, we can't

fuck with this guy, y'know. We're blackmailing his wife, let's just leave him. ALICE Yeah, and so they just leave him, where he wakes up surrounded by concerned strippers, which must be nice. And then he does the fucking broken English thing, like a cunt. And I mean, they charge him for the camera and you really hope that they inflated that by like a factor of a hundred, just because of that, y'know? NICCOHON Cause he wakes up and just, me bump head on

ceiling, me very silly. ALICE But he actually wasn't being racist, he just suffered a serious neurological injury. NARED Might not say luris-ism? Great. He goes back to Ava's house, little detail I have here, immediately helps himself to her booze. Very rude.

ALICE Hmm, yeah. He's a rude man, is the thing. He's very presumptuous. NARED He's very rude, especially given that he now rapes her. ALICE Which in many ways is the ultimate act of rudeness. Which is a very rude thing to do! In fact, in many sort of etiquette guides.

In Japanese culture, they frown on this quite a lot. Yeah, this is considered impolite. Yeah. Who hasn't done his homework, obviously. What he says to this woman is, he goes, well, I'm pretending to be your husband so we're gonna have sex now, obviously. She goes, I'd prefer that you didn't. And he goes, that's fine, I'll go get a hotel somewhere else, call me if the bad guys show

up to kill you. The way he delivers that line, a little bit comfy as well, he's like, yeah, just call me if anyone starts shooting. Again, the dub on this, it like, sells the whole thing a bit more. Unfortunately, what it's selling is ranted. Yes. Um, and then she gives in. So that is just, there's no two ways about that, that's just rape.

Mmhm. Do not get Terrence Young to write your movie, he will write this kind of thing into it. Uh, god, what the fuck happens next? My next note is, uh, sexy lady sniper van. Which is a very compelling four words in any language, I think. Hello, Croydon, we are Sexy Lady Sniper Van. Yeah, so, a van pulls up, there's got a sexy lady on the side of it, in the morning. Big sexy lady.

Like a cardboard sexy lady. It's not like printed on the thing, it's like the wall of the van is like one oversized sexy lady, it's like very visually impactful. Mm. And then the face of the sexy lady is concealing a guy with a dart gun. ALICE This is, Terrence Young did this in From Russia With Love, in reverse.

It's the same scene backwards, where the sniper rifle comes out of the sexy lady instead of shooting a guy coming out of the sexy lady. SONIA It's so like, it's just fucking chat GPT, this fucking thing. Just plagiarize, like GPT-1 in 1967 just... ALICE Yeah, GPT-1 used to run on a bunch of real to real things, and it would spit out, like, yeah, then he rapes her. We were like, thanks, great.

SONIA Thanks, man. So he shoots what we think is Saundi's set, in the bed, and then... I love the way this, with the guy when he gets out of the sexy lady sniper van, he's just like, he's very calm, he's walking very slowly, he's just like, yeah, buffed it. Nailed it. Absolutely kicked his guys out. ALICE Yeah, yeah. This is your classic, like, sinister henchman. Very very sweaty looking, like always, like, thick sheen of sweat. This is Mr. Chang, brackets, not played by a Japanese actor. Yeah, white question mark?

They have Japanese actors in this movie, they couldn't find another one, I guess. And then, he sneaks in, and he does the funniest fucking thing that it's possible to do, with a house in which most of the walls and doors are made of paper screens, which is locks her in the bathroom. ALICE Yeah, that'll fuckin' do it. NICHOLAS Gotta be honest, that would not stop me, I would simply walk through the wall. ALICE Yeah, you have a good excuse to do that, and

it's gonna feel good as hell, right? NICHOLAS You're gonna wanna walk through that wall. ALICE Yeah, if I got the opportunity to walk through a shoji screen, I would be like, so fucking enamored with that. ZOE First opportunity. You know, it's a chance, but I might need to walk through a shoji screen. ALICE Can we do like, a live show in Japan, just come out and just walk through like, 50 shoji screens?

ZOE It's like, we come through one panel each. NARED So here's a question, here's a question. How many shoji screens stacked up do you think you could run through? Oh, max velocity? I'm going at like, maybe optimistic here, like ten. I think I could go through ten. Like back to back. This is my new game show, I'm pitching this to channel five, it's gonna be like Hole in

the Wall, do you remember that? How many Shoji screens do you think you could run through in one go? I'm workshopping the title. RILEY Yeah, okay, no, this is pretty good, like, we can work on this. If you get through that round we can move onto like, foamcore, we can get to tri-word... SONIA Yeah, we make them thick, like it's cardboard now. RILEY Chipboard.

SONIA Yeah. No one's ever beaten the final round, which is just bricks. ALICE LAUGHS. It's vault door. How many vault doors can you run through? And it's gonna get you fast as well, so really... ALICE Oh yeah. Um, but yeah, so he locks her in the bathroom, and then he goes to inspect his work. Not really any reason for him to do this, he's already killed the guy. He pulls the cover off the bed, and reveals that he has fallen for the oldest trick in the book,

the classic canonical, put a weird mannequin in your bed in case someone shoots it. SONIC7, 117 branded blow-up doll. That's it. Now, here's my question. What was this Sundayessert went to the strip club, and then he was knocked out, and then he came back to Aversa, and then they shied. So he didn't have this with him. It's an inflatable mannequin version of himself, so presumably, uninflated, it could have just been in his pocket. And then, having had sex with her, he then goes, do you mind if I inflate this copy of

myself? But it's not of him. It's just like a plain crash test dummy face with a toupee on it. So I'm just like, eh, eh, eh, why do you have... She has the like, man from uncle thing. This is like her inflatable clown. Yeah. Why do you have an inflatable man?

Life size. Many 1960s women, it seems, at least two, from having done this podcast, were very into having a kind of inflatable humanoid figure in their bedrooms, for reasons unknown. I also like to have a stuffy or something when I sleep, but I feel like inflatable. I hate when you go and have sex with a girl and you've gotta learn all of her inflatable mannequin names, you know? but i just feel like an inflatable stuffie, you're tempting fate, because if it pops in the night you're gonna fucking shit yourself.

turning my inflatable mannequin to face the wall before i have sex. waking up in the middle of the night and it's like, fully inflated, leant up against the corner of your room. oh jesus. like, fully inflated, leant up against the corner of your room. ALICE Oh Jesus. CHANG Oh, fuck, okay. ALICE I mean, to be fair, right, having one of these, it allows you the opportunities for some very funny pranks like that, including the one that OSS117 has just played on Mr. Chang, because Chang pulls back the cover and fairly shits himself to see that the mannequin

is now, like, it's been pierced a little dark from his dart gun, it's deflating. And OSS-117 is behind him and holding him at gunpoint. AHH. And Mr. Chang... ugh, this accent. Mmhmm. Very, very racist. Mr. Chang, played by a guy called Jacques Le Gras, says...

Okay, doesn't sound promising. Yeah. Sort of at gunpoint. Oh yeah, my bad Doesn't sound promising. Yeah. Sort of at gunpoint. Oh yeah, my bad. Sorry about that. Dang. Dang, that's crazy. Wasn't expecting you to hit me with the classic inflatable body double.

That's my mistake, you know? I'll be really chief, I wasn't prepped for this. I don't know what we do from here. He does a very racist accent, he calls him the Honorable Foreigner, it's like everything but the fake teeth, man. It's so, so bad. ALICE He's wearing, like, yellow face makeup, I'm pretty certain.

SONIA Also, as that, so Oasis Wandi says, like, right, take me to where you were gonna take me when I was unconscious, takes him at gunpoint. On the way, they have this back and forth where they quote Confucius, and I'm like... ALICE Yeah, all warfare is based. SONIA Oh, that's not, that's not... that's not Japanese, dude. ALICE We do get like one of three interesting shots in the movie, where we get like a long shot of a first generation Shinkansen, the bullet trains. The ones that still look really like bullets, like speeding across a sort of elevated

railway over a rice field. ZACH Yeah, this was a beautiful shot, I was just like, oh, pretty. Yeah, I was going with the best part of the movie's the B-roll, y'know? It's like bisected by the sexy lady sniper van going in the opposite direction. I mean, whoever was on second unit on this film, great job. For real. Great job, you nailed it. My next note says, RIP Mr Chang.

I guess he dies. Because they're being followed. Yeah. And like, the guys come on the radio and they're like, oh so someone just said, we're following you, don't try anything, and he tries something. And to prove we're serious, we have planted a bomb in the sexy lady sniper van, which, when did they do this, and how little confidence do they have in the work of Mr. Chang, that they, like, plant a bomb in his work car, just in case he gets owned badly enough that he ends up in it with a OSS Sondisette?

Also, it's on the backseat. Yeah. Chang, you didn't notice that? I mean, maybe that's why he's on the kind of, like, we put a bomb in your car performance improvement plan, is because he doesn't look for these things. It's- it's got lights on it, my dude! Like, you do- I mean, to be fair, like, he does- as soon as they come on the radio, he does say, hey,

you guys aren't mad at me, right? Hey, hey, everyone, just checking if this is an organisation that tolerates failure. Yeah, Mr Chang at this point is doing what I do whenever my agent calls me, except he's also doing a racist accent. And just being like, why are you calling me, are you mad? Your agent calls you and you do a perfect racist accent to get insecure about your career. Every time anyone in Acting World calls me, I gotta call anyone from the exec producers of the show I'm gonna be in this summer, and I was just like, I didn't expect you to call me. Is everything all right?

She's like, yeah, just checking in. How you doing? Like show comes out soon. I was just like, Oh, sorry. Sorry about that racist accent. And Mr. Chang has basically the same conversation where he's like, you guys, have I been like fucking up somehow? Have I wronged you in some way? And that honestly, they kind of like, you know, gas them up a bit, they're like, no no no, you're fine, we love you, it's just, you are in a car with the guy that we wanna kill, so like, probably don't, like... I mean, I don't rate your chances, if it helps, we're sorry.

Yeah, you seemed nice. You're a great lad, Mr. Chang, it's just, you're not gonna be in this movie for much longer. Mr. Chang is like, solid, solid lad, gets the round in every time, he's fine to work with. But he's in the yellow face and he's doing the accent. But he is, yeah. Again, we really frown on doing that in this country. And specifically, yeah, in Japan as well, to be doing the racist pseudo-Japanese.

They're waiting for the first opportunity to be like, oh you failed this organisation, yeah, to be doing the racist pseudo-Japanese. RILEY They're waiting for the first opportunity to be like, oh you failed this organization, great, alright. ALICE Yeah, your sort of evil genius who was really like obviously waiting for you to fail in order to be like- RILEY Oh, you're five minutes late, this organization does not tolerate failure, bang! RILEY Did you remember to put your can away? Is that your can right there?

And he's like, oh no, that's not mine. He's like, right, fine, whatever. Whatever. Yeah, touch your hand to the metal plate. You just touched the metal plate for me real fast man. So they, I always say that Sandi Set points the van he's in at Bagoon Car and then jumps out and manages to blow up all of them. RIP Mr. Chang, we will not miss him.

Damn shame. Hoist by their own petard those other two guys, you know? Which goes to show, you know? And at this point, Saundi Set remembers to do some actual fucking detective work. Because he's like, wait a minute, why don't we just go to the bar where you dated Wollstone and got knocked out, maybe we'll learn something by going there. Yes. Which we probably should have done on day one, actually.

The Mikado cabaret. Because we need to meet the second woman in the film. ALICE Yes. This is Ted Sica. She is like a hostess at this cabaret. And the way that the cabaret works, right, is that you buy tickets at a desk, and then you like, like Chuck E. Cheese, except with like, more sex work, right? Because then you cash in those tickets for like, you get to buy this hostess a drink,

or like have a dance with her or whatever. He buys some tickets, and then comes up with her and introduces Tetsuko to Eva, the other girl, as Miss Four Tickets, like with her commodity value, which is the worst fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. They should kill this guy for real. Like, earnestly, he should be killed. SONIA Yeah, it's a pity. Um, but yeah, and at this point, uh, like, Sondisette claims that Ava is his sister, like, oh, she's my sister, she's just leaving, and then she retorts by being like, my brother has epilepsy and sucks. What? What?

ALICE It's really funny for your pull to embarrass a guy, being like, he's got epilepsy. You need to slap the shit out of him, a thing you definitely need to do with people with epilepsy. Also, this is not the only time I write down strange polyamory vibes? Yeah, it does kinda have that energy of like, my girlfriend and I saw you from across the bar and we think you're cool. Yeah, this is like the bad polyamory bit though, because like, at this point, textually, because in these 60s movies, like, uh, corrective rape works, right? This woman is like, kind of in love with him now. And so as a consequence,

when she's being kicked out because he wants to hang out with this other woman, she's jealous? And that's why she's setting him up to fails, that she both kind of has some contempt for him in a playful, banterous way, but also is jealous as fuck. Well she's monogamous, you see, and that's always difficult. One person's one and the other person's probably... SheICE She has, like, some bad jealousy stuff. RILEY It's the I can send, I can send, I don't thing. ALICE Yeah. He, uh, he like, seduces Tetsuko, she's like, hey, what time do you get off work and can

it be now? And she's like, yeah, fine. RILEY Sure. ALICE He gives all of his excess tickets to like, the only other white guy in there, on the way out, and is like, these are from the UN, which I don't know that the UN does that. Yeah. If they do, they shouldn't.

You don't like the biggest danger in here, I wanna give you a leg up. You wanna talk about UN agencies that need to be defunded, the one that just like, buys sex workers for... Well actually, I mean, a few UN agencies have done that in their time, but nonetheless. So he says to Tetsuko, he says, I have two questions. Firstly, have you seen, and feel free to answer these in any order. Firstly, have you seen the blackmailer from the scene from earlier? Do you remember that scene? And secondly, shall we have sex now? Answer these in any order you like. And she's like, I'm going to take your second question first,

um, let's go to an inn, and reduce a little bit more racism, and then have sex. Yes. She claims not to know the guy with the cool coat and also facial scar, but she's willing to take him to a rural inn, like a, sort of, the trad motel. They like, bathe him, they dress him, we get some more like, oh Japan, what do you like? Like pretty girls. Before they get there though, he does find a microphone on her, which is where we get

the like, yeah where are you keeping the battery pack for that. Yeah, this is kind of like, interestingly done, and it's trying to do the same thing as before, they're like, oh they're both maybe playing each other, nobody's being honest with each other, it's kind of fun. But she like, convinces him that this microphone is just something that her boss uses for workplace surveillance. And he buys this, and like, no question, he's like, okay, fine. ALICE She's gathering cookies on the clients to,

you know. RILEY Every other spy in one of these movies is so much more competent than Huber or Delapass. ALICE That's very true, it never crosses his mind that she might be a spy. He's less competent than the parody version of himself. Like, it's honestly true. He goes to the inn with her, and they're like, okay, you gotta put on a kimono now, and be like, washed, and stuff.

And the whole time he's doing the same thing as with the Gator, where he's like, well, isn't this a novelty? This appears to be some kind of, like, dressing gown situation, okay. I guess I'll go along with this. At this point, and I made careful note of this, listeners, because we'll come back to it later, the guy who owns the inn is like, ah, glad you're having a good time, by the way, I have a gun. Yeah, he comes up from a bow with a gun, which is a great piece of hospitality. Call an ambulance, but not for me.

Yeah. And like, forces him into the next room where we get Japanese jaws? I wrote down that this room was the mongo dojo onsen. Which I don't think is a legal combination of words. No, definitely not. Wasn't that the villain from Powerpuff Girls? Do you have to cut this, Viyon? No, something really funny, I also wrote down that exact joke.

I was building to the fucking Moko Dojo from Powerpuff Girls. No! I'm sorry. It's fine, you did it better than me. I'm so sorry, I beat you to the punch, I'm so sorry, I beat you to the punchline, I'm so sorry. Actually, I don't even know why we would need to cut that, we can leave this in. Leave all this in. Don't let him know that you had that joke as well.

I completely sniped you on your fucking punchline, I'm sorry. Yeah, holy shit, Mongo. It's a big dude, it's a big guy. Look, you get all the classics in here. Someone studied their big guy fights. There's a bunch of pillars around and he punches through one. Classic. He takes three headbutts before he starts showing any effect.

Classic. He is making gorilla noises the whole time. Not good. Really don't like that. No? Yeah. Oh, it says somebody sets him on fire and runs away? ALICE As he's chasing this guy down, the guy realizes something that I've previously expressed opinion on, which is that running through a shoji

screen fun as hell. RILEY Yeah, see once again, they lock him in the room and they're like, done, nice, and then he just comes to the screen and they're like, oh fuck, oh yeah! It's objectively fun to punch through a wall or door, and when you make that wall or door out of paper you're really inviting that from me, I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. And he goes through like 50 of these fucking things in pursuit, in like, hot pursuit of this guy. And eventually he gets on a motorbike and drives away, at which point Tetsuko, like,

rolls up in his car, and is just like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, get in. Despite having been owned and tricked and kind of kidnapped, as far as he knows, by her, he just gets in the car? Is he stupid? What? He is stupid. There's a guy in the back, with a gun, who is the same guy who picked him up and saved

him earlier on when he was knocked out by the Uncle Chop, right? ALICE And this is Tesco value Tiger Tanaka. From You Only Live Twice. SONIA Yeah, he says, I'm Kuachi, I'm Japanese Secret Service, you're our SSundee set. The big guy was an ally, he was just supposed to lead you to me, why did you attack him? And I'm like, hang on one motherfucking minute, if this guy was on our side, why did the innkeeper pull a fucking gun on me?

ALICE Hello, welcome to the meeting, here is your complimentary meeting gun. I'm offering it to you barrel first, as is, like, tradition. ZOE Bullshit. Bullshit! ALICE By the way, he does also claim that the big guy, the mongo, was a sumo wrestler, which he was not built like that. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN Secret Service, and we are also looking for Mr. Facial Scar, from that scene earlier on, so let's work together.

I know I said somebody said it's like, oooooh, let's have sex now. ALICE And they do! KS Not you, Kawachi! Just you, Tezuka. ALICE Legistimately, we go from him being scolded, because he calls her a geisha, right, which is not, and Kawachi goes, she's not a geisha, she's a sergeant, and the next shot is her massaging his back post-sex. And they do an extended bit about, like, Japanese women?

I really, it's like, pushing the cultural insensitivity and misogyny factors, like, way up just by itself. Where he's, like, he's never had sex with a Japanese woman before, and he thinks it's like, special in a kind of magic way, I think? SONIA Yeah. It's real bad. It's real bad. He's like, Japanese women have a special way, like, most you can say for this scene is at least she initiates the sex.

ALICE True. SONIA This one seems to be conceptual. There we go. SONIA Hello, bar. ALICE Mmhm. Yeah. SONIA First one. SONIA I love this scene, because he gets a phone call, god knows where they are, or how fuckin' Babcock has his number, but whatever. Babcock calls him and is like, oh, is so- and Sonny said, you have to do the fucking movie?

Because Rolston's dead! You have fucked up so badly, Doc! He keeps saying later stuff, you know, while he's fucking around. Ralston has been killed off screen. Mission failed! Yeah. This plays into a theory of mine about this movie that I've forward-sizzled a little, but there's a bunch of Japanese in this, obviously.

Like, the main bad guy, every villain is all talking in Japanese. They talk Japanese too, our main guy a lot. Never at any point is that translated. No. I've chosen to believe that this is a directorial decision to put you in the shoes of our protagonist because 117 doesn't speak even a fucking word of Japanese. And I'm choosing to believe that he spent this entire movie just having no fucking clue what is going on at all. I think I dropped him and he just felt just felt like, mm-hmm, yep, yep, yep. And he's doing shit. Ava even calls him up with that earlier, like when he fits in with the microphone, she's

like, you don't speak Japanese, you're not going to know what the fuck's happening in this meeting. He's like, shut up. And again, I remind you that his attitude towards going to Japan was... I get the message. It's Japan. It's Japan. Whatever. I'll figure it out. Fine. Whatever. How hard can it be? He's been walking around, shouts at him and ALICE Fine, whatever, how hard can it be? ROLSTON He's walking around, the guards are shouting at him and he's like, no thank you.

ALICE Yeah, how hard can it be? They've got weird shoes, that's all I need to know. So Babcock is like, listen, Ralston is dead because of you, will you fucking, like, get back on the movie now? SONIA Ava is obviously the villain of the film, my dog, like, come on. ALICE Yeah, she keeps doing like sexy banter, she's so evil. SONIA Yeah, look at her eyebrows!

ALICE They go to like, surveil her house, and she's there, with a guy, and this guy... RILEY I don't think she's there, it's just him. SONIA Oh no no, she is there! ALICE Yeah she is. He gets Babcock to like, call her away, with like a sort of pretextual phone call, and then he breaks into the house. Don't mind me saying, 117 enters the gaff and apprehends this white boy.

Oh, he apprehends the shit out of this white boy, but this white boy, right, I like this white boy, because he has a very striking face. Yeah, he's so cunty, I love him. He looks like if George Russell was hot. This is, if we've watched better films, this is Henri Serre from Jules and Jim, and not someone who had a lot of success after that movie and ended up being in this. This is his, kind of, like, lazy-and-being Hong Kong phase, right? S. Oh, that's a pity, because I think he does a good job in this.

M. Yes, he does! S. He's also a lot more attractive in his suits, or a lot better tailored than 117, I'm like, where was this guy in the last three movies? M. Seriously, though, right? Like, and again, much like with the Macint, I'm like, where was this guy in the last three movies? ALICE Seriously though, right? Like, and again, much like with the Macintosh guy, there's a little bit of frisson here. Like it gets a little bit gay. And the thing is, if they had, instead of this idiot Frederick Stafford, if they had kept Co and Matthews, and just leaned into it, this could have been a beautiful homosexual

series of films, but instead it's just mid. Yeah. This guy's like, hello, I'm the real John Wilson. Yeah, I'm her real husband. And we get the second polyamory vibes check, and this is the good polyamory vibes, because the way in which John Wilson brackets real, like, confuses and throws OSS on you set off the scent is like, yeah, it's actually cool,

good for her if you two are fucking, like, I don't care, we've been divorced, I have like, compersion, or whatever, yeah, I have this copy of the ethical slut, have fun, you know? His line is, take good care of her, which I'm just like, oh, that's nice. Quite sweet, like, yeah. It works totally, by the way. Like, the second he leaves Osa Sondeset, I was like, what a nice guy. I have no further questions! Sure, he's not the villain by the way. Like, the second he leaves Osa-Sondi says, like, what a nice guy. I have no further questions!

S- Sure, he's not the villain of the film. But Saki, Saki does have further questions, cause Saki, remember Saki? Saki's in the film, don't get attached, he's not in the film now, in fact, cause he follows Wilson, and then Wilson puts on a pair of mirrored blue aviators, shoots him dead, and then he's like, YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and walks away. You could genuinely grab this image and a few other shots of Henri Serre walking around from this movie and make a kind of like, John Wilson fan cam, because it is like, gangster shit. The way that he shoots this guy, the funniest gunshot acting I've seen in a minute, puts on the glasses and just walks, it's great. It needs like Tommy Hilfiger fragrance in the bottom right or something, like he looks like he's in a fragrance ad, it's very cool. I've seen this soundtrack to a really slowed down Lil Uzi Vert, like it just... It's really good.

We also get a really interesting shot where the like, um, uh, Sharkey... Sharkey? Fuck me. Might as well be. That's from Doctor No, but yeah. We're like one syllable off, it's Sarky, like... Interchangeable henchmen. Sarky is Sharkey, they're one.

Yeah. Carl Jung is writing papers about this. We're using actually the naming etymological similarities of Sharkey and Sarky to sort of build like a big meta, an alibi for the genealogy of this Euro Spy. It's the one film, it's the one film. The local ally gets got. like a big meta analysis of the genealogy of this Euro spy. ALICE Yeah, yeah, yeah. GERARD It's the one film, it's the one film. ALICE The local ally gets got. GERARD I'm gonna pitch to you off this shit and then

you're not gonna be laughing at me. ALICE I haven't been. GERARD You haven't been, I know. ALICE Just, just honestly, like, I haven't been laughing at you. GERARD It was more of a general you to the audience, the YouTube, and nothing but support. ALICE I see.

No, they're definitely laughing at you because we're professional comedians. There's this lantern outside the temple with like a sort of circular cutout and they frame Asaki's car in it and I thought it was well done. There's a couple of these. NICOLAS Yeah, again, whoever directed the second unit, great job. ALICE Yeah, thrill. NICOLAS There's a couple of good shots in this.

ALICE I will say this as well, this does make Asaki a kind of late entry 009. NICOLAS I guess. NICOLAS I guess. No, the local ally isn't a 009, I don't think. The local ally typically gets murdered. Mmm. Yeah. That's true. I guess Ralston was a 009.

Ralston must've been the 009. He was the 009. 009 not appearing in this film. So at this point, uh, Sondi Set goes back to Ava and he's like, hey, I figured out that you're the villain of the film. DEMIS WILSON, you're clearly fucking with us. Yeah, you're the villain of the film, because there's no one else around. What's the other technique available to a 60s Euro spy other than rape, when a woman

like annoys him in any way? Violence? Yeah, violence, so he slaps her. Yeah, he gets a phone call and they're like, Hubert, they fucking killed Spackey. You're Spectre, your husband is Spectre, you gave away the radio codes and blew up the bass because you're Spectre. And then she's like, I'm not actually, I'm nice, I hate that my husband's in Spectre. She kind of plays the woman card here, but in the 60s you could still do that.

Yeah, put an ad, like an ultimate misogynist, 117 immediately falls for this, and he just like starts cupping her face and being like, oh no, no, pressure's beautiful. ALICE Yeah, she's like, I just wanted to support my husband, and then he joined Spectre, so I had to like, y'know, help with the Spectre stuff. RILEY That's the funniest thing, she's like, I love and support my Spectre husband. She's like posting on a forum like, yeah, he's really Inspector at the moment, I wish he

wouldn't, but I'm trying to support him and I just hope he gets through it. Like he's getting red-pilled. Like, almost like he's joining the red-pill movement or something. She's like, I supported him getting his act together, but him being Inspector is tearing apart our family. ALICE Do like a Guardian magazine sort of feature, and the main photo is me and my husband, I've got my arm around him, it's in the sofa of our lovely North London home, and it's like our

marriage is being torn apart by his being-inspector addiction. I do a bunch of really sympathetic pull quotes to make me seem nice, and I divorce him. S Is this somehow the fault of Transgenders? I don't know if he's gonna get home, or if he's gonna touch the metal plate. It's so hard waiting for your husband to come home when you know he works for an organisation that doesn't tolerate failure. He sucks, he's gonna fail. I keep telling him this. Being in a group chat with all the other, like, Spectre wives.

Spectre wives is a really good bit, I'm gonna like fuckin' have that in my head for writing it. I'm saying you can't join Spectre, you fail too often! You need an organization that tolerates failure! Do you think once you have to touch the metal plate, right, do you think that your widow is kind of like, socially pushed out of the Spectre Wives group, because she makes all the other Spectre Wives feel too nervous and bad? ALICE I should have known something was up when

he wasn't just wearing a wedding ring, but also a ring with an octopus on it. RILEY There's no way they have a robust next of kin payoff system, because there's no way these guys are unionized, otherwise they wouldn't be being killed for mistakes. ALICE Just like, you touch the metal plate and it not only kills you, it perfectly incinerates the lunch that was lovingly packed for you by your Spectre wife. NOOOOO.

ALICE Getting you a newor probably puts a real strain on a marriage, right? Because like... GARRETT It's gotta. ALICE Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, cause you're probably not working if your husband's in Spexor, right? Like, imagine... GARRETT You'd hope not!

Well, Monica Bellucci wasn't! ALICE First of all, for the money, but second of all, because if he's out there, you know, trying to attach a canister of nerve gas to a helicopter, you can't go to work as a fucking cardiologist or retail assistant or other jobs that people have. Just every day and be like, yeah this is cool, double income, no kids, spectre household. No no no. You've gotta like, because the hours are so unsociable, because it's so all consuming and weird and probably there's a hell of an NDA attached.

It's like he's in the army or something, like, it's really like, you've moved around a lot between like Bangkok, Tokyo, etc, etc. NARESH There's no way you've got your own job. I mean, for one thing, if you want a lack of toleration of failure, you need to pay me enough money to not wanna fail you, you know? Like, if you're giving me minimum wage, you're gonna be getting minimum effort, and then I'm gonna have to touch a metal plate really quickly. ALICE Also, we know that being in Spectre isn't

conducive to having a family, because the only Spectre guy we know who had a daughter, the daughter was Lea Sado, and ended up fucking James Bond, so like, again, the Spectre wife is just like, it's affecting our daughter, like, she's fucking James Bond now. ALICE Having a rebellious phase where you fuck James Bond because you grew up in a specter family that is just the plot of the last two movies i grew up in a really strict kind of specter family there's always finding guns around the place yeah under the sink it was only until i went on specter rumspringer but I started to realise that, like, things are strange out there.

Spectre Rumspringer, will you spend a summer with MI6? Learning that I might have done Spectre Rumspringer. Just boyfriend, like, cupping my face and be like, I'll tolerate your failure. It's okay. Aww. Oh, that's really sweet, actually. NICHOLAS But I think then we're going back to Spectre. ALICE It's gonna be really hard for me not to immediately start writing Spectre Wives the second I finish the recording.

NICHOLAS The Real Housewives of Spectre! ALICE Real Housewives of Spectre Island! NICHOLAS Wait, copyright shit, copyright kill james font 2024, you can't touch this shit. Real housewives of Spectre Island will be having a hulu at the end of the year. My husband the super villain. Oh my god, okay, yeah, right, fine, we're all working on a fucking script for this and we're gonna pitch that. Right, yeah, so you get another em scene and the M scene is like, alright, first of all,

your guy's dead, you didn't do anything, everyone's dying. You're getting him bad. This is an organisation that tolerates the absolute fuck out of failure. You bet. Your direct orders from me are, don't fucking do anything. We're pay- yeah, M says, we're paying the ransom, you fucked around too much, and we're run out of time, man! We fucked it, man.

The thing is, right, MI6, OSS, the CIA, whatever it is, whatever organisation's on the side of good in these things, tolerates an unlimited amount of failure. Even when Bond gets kicked out they always go, ah, go on then, come back in MI6. They tolerate infinity failure, and so this time, they're like, whatever you do, don't lose Eva Wilson on the way back to the United States, and guess what, of course they fucking successfully kidnap her. From M. M. From M, actually, which is really funny. However, there's no real scene with it, like, Hubert's just like, just take her back to Washington, she's done, she can stand trial, and like, you get a scene of her in the car with, with M and he's like, there's no way that you're going to get kidnapped. And then

there's no like interstitial scene. It's just later on in the film, there's a scene of her in the car with Wilson who's going like, well, obviously we couldn't let you leave. Obviously they got in. And M runs over a cyclist, Kirstama style. And then the, and then the cyclist is faking he's a goon and that's how they kidnap Eva, and then M gets arrested, because he also does not speak Japanese despite the... Babcock, you're the CIA's guy in Japan, you should speak some fucking Japanese, you dick. He's got arrested by Japanese cops, they're all yelling at him and he's out like, oh man, everyone's so mad at me. I'm the head of the CIA in this country and I'm speaking the language.

Yeah, but like, so the lesson from this is, if you hit like an Uber Eats guy on a bike with your car, just keep driving. That guy's inspected, don't worry about it. Yeah, that guy's inspected, he's also fake, yeah. His wife's gonna be really upset. He's probably still moving, just keep driving, you know, don't even look back, just don't think about it at all, like, really, like, you're still a good person, you can still move on from that, I think. You can still lead the lower body.

If you feel like it. The thing is, just don't ever go back there or think about it, and it's fine, you know? Let's sort of lose the plot a little bit here. 117 has a fight with a guy with a samurai sword, which doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Oh yeah, yeah. They noticed that the ambulance was fake. The guy who got hit by it, you see him later on taking the livery off your ambulance. ALICE I would hate to be on ambulance scrubbing duty,

but I would love to be on ambulance livery changing duty, so... RILEY I wrote it down, you know what, fuck you, delivery's your ambulance. ALICE By delivering it, you remove the ambulance ambulance's power and it just becomes a van. SONIA Is this a van, yeah. You disgrace to the ambulance unit. ALICE I've seen a bunch of like, deconsecrated ambulances used as like, camper vans and stuff before.

And you can always tell, in the same way that like, you know, this building used to be a pizza hut, right? Like, this camper van used to be an ambulance, like people have presumably died in the back of your campervan, like... You can't just be out here clocking ambulances? Listen, I'm not saying that it's still an ambulance, I respect the journey it's undergone. But biologically, it's still an ambulance. No, I'm merely saying that there is an origin point that is like, visible to me, and I respect

the fact that it's made a difficult decision to be more authentic than most ambulances that just stay what they are. I don't know, that ambulance, it's got really big hands. No, no, you see, the thing is, I think that an ambulance that has been deconsecrated that way is in many ways like a stronger vehicle, and I'm sick of people calling me an ambulance chaser. HAHA YES! I knew you were going there, yes!

Yes! Hallie need for ambulances, okay. But I knew you were gonna get to ambulance chaser, I was like, come on, can't she do it, if she's not I'm gonna do it! You can see when she's cooking, you really can't. Yeah. Yeah, I'm wearing the big chef's hat, you know? Ah, beautiful Ah beautiful,

beautiful. There's a samurai sword fight, you know what you gotta have one, it was fine, it was surprisingly good for the for the genre but. They're trying to draw things out because we know they're gonna end up on a boat. One thing first is before they have the samurai thing, 117 like infiltrates this like a location right and they have they don't make it explicit, I assume it's meant to be a Nightingale floor thing, right, or it's just a regular loud floor, but the way he creeps around is to just walk entirely on the balls of his feet without taking his shoes off, and it's just one of the funniest walks, I think, has been committed to film, and it doesn't work, because the second he rounds a corner, there's a guy with a samurai

sword going, okay, well, well, samurai sword time, motherfucker. RILEY I've got this for a reason, and you are not gonna like what that is, son. ALICE Inevitably, the katana fight. RILEY Yeah, there's a katana fight. It's really nice, it's like, OSS fucking javelins this guy. ALICE Yeah. He kills another guy with a phone. RILEY He pretends to be dead.

RILEY Actually, an insanely good kill on the phone guy. I dunno. Yeah, he just hang a guy out of the window on a telephone cord. Someone clocked in today. And the thing is, after this point every time I see someone speaking Japanese and you cut back to OSS 117, it really does behoove you to imagine him being like, I wonder what he's saying. He's on the phone, he's talking so urgently, I wonder what's going on. Anyway.

We know they've gotta end up on a boat at some point, because that's how this all fucking ends. There's some shenanigans about, like, you know, Ava's been kidnapped, there's another guy, another villain, Korean guy, whatever. Well here's the thing about the villains, right, she has to meet the organization's bosses, the ones who her husband is trying to impress, right? Oh yes. They are, respectively.

Well first of all, this movie gets the Die Another Day award for anti-Korean racism, because I don't care to speculate, but I think the 1960s Japanese intelligence services may also have been pretty anti-Korean. Hmm. Probably. Which, we find out that one of them is this like, Korean industrialist, and Tesco goes, oh yeah, Yokozuna-an, he's like an industrialist. Korean, by the way.

Mm. Bastard. Just, check this shit out. And he's Korean. And also, another guy called Vargas. There's the second Vargas. This is what he does. This is what he does, he's moved up in the world, y'know? They're running the joint now, don't bother about either of them, they're just dudes.

Don't get attached, no. They're there so that John Wilson has someone to talk to about his evil plan. Yeah, Miss Wilson's there, she's getting a chat. They leave, she gets their attention from Schuber, who goes, hey, it's me, I'm here. Guess what, I need you to plug this crystal into whatever wall socket you can find, and that'll help us. ALICE It's a tracking device. ALICE It's charged by jacking off, it's a good

thing. RILEY Yeah, it's a tracking device, and in the next scene there's a guy on a big computer who says the phrase, we're all set, Colonel, we've tuned into the crystal's frequency. And I liked that. ALICE Yeah, absolutely, crystals have those, you know? RILEY But, ladies, gentlemen, it is a Eurospy movie, it's the finale of a Eurospy movie, where

are we going? It's boat time. We're getting on a boat. Out to sea. Everyone get your boat shoes on. We get on a really big boat, though. Yeah. Yeah, tanker.

And it's like, ooooh. It's got the big boat that swallows a smaller boat from Thunderball. Yeah, that's the funniest shit, cause I started trying to come up with an idea of, you can tell how much budget a Yuris by movie had by how big the boat they blow up at the end is, and they're in this massive boat, fucking boat, and I'm like, oh shit, they've got dollars! And then they go into a little internal berth and there is a second, much much smaller boat in there, and I'm like, there it is!

Backing off from the thing to be like, yeah, this is the boat that we're gonna fucking blow up. SONIA Yeah, the tanker is stock footage, but the small boat is the one they blow up. But anyway, she activates the tracker, 117's like, right off the go, it's time for the finale of the film. Tetsuko bites his finger playfully when she kisses him, which is kinda cute. He then flies out over the tanker in a small aircraft, skydives in, somehow he is not seen.

ALICE Also, by the way, when he gets like, ten feet above the water, he just like, takes off the parachute and just free falls, which is, I thought it was fun, just like, exit parachute. SONIA Yeah, he gets into the sea next to the oil tanker, is presumably instantly dragged under and killed, and just like, crushed. You can't like, swim near an oil tanker is presumably instantly dragged under and killed, and just crushed. You can't swim near an oil tanker, it will fuck you up. ALICE Man has not been reading how to avoid huge ships.

Climbs aboard with a grappling hook. SONIA Yeah, Batman style. ALICE Batman style. And then infiltrates. He does some sneaky splinter cell stuff, including a bit where he has to perch on some pipes hanging from the ceiling. And then I had completely forgotten about the miniature fighter planes at this point. Yeah! But remember the miniature fighter planes? Well they're here, and they're also nuclear,

I guess. Oh! Because there's a nuclear reactor and some guys under Dr. No has Matsuits walking around. Yeah, I mean there's gotta be something explosive on that small boat, there has to be. So like, the timer is about to run out, the deal is off, clearly, they're gonna blow up another American base, and they're gonna do it with the miniaturized fighter planes. Yeah. The Americans try to deliver $100 million in diamonds, but I think Vargas fucks it up

somehow or Tetsuko sabotages it and then the Americans flee with the diamonds. ALICE I really like how the Americans are just like, yeah, fuck it, we will concede to terrorism, we will absolutely pay you off. We're trying so much, we're throwing pallets of cash at you, but you won't take it. SONIA They're doing the Margaret Thatcher thing, of like, we don't negotiate with terrorists, but terrorists, I was just kidding. ALICE Yeah.

We don't negotiate with terrorists except when we really want to. ZACH Me on public, I will never negotiate with terrorists, me immediately on private, sliding into DMs. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy But yeah, so they fucking infiltrate their way to the control room of these fighters, where the real John Wilson is like, preparing to blow up the American base, and they have a fight. RIght, pretty good. On reason, he's fucking fast, like he's throwing punches out, there's some real weight behind some of these things.

What was wrong with this guy, if there was anything wrong with him, that he didn't get a lot of work? NARESH Yeah, I dunno, it was a good fight, they do well, they managed to launch one of the little miniature planes. NARESH What the fuck happens now? ALICE Do you have a fist fight on a burning boat? Yeah, yeah. NARESH It's over. ALICE Eva kills her husband, she finally breaks

free of his poisonous control, and becomes a Spectre ex-wife, by shooting him. Again, we need some music. This is the point where you should have the like, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun- tell that they're really struggling to film in such a sp- Yeah, that nonce just didn't do a good job on the soundtrack. I know that the Spectre ex-wives have, like, way better branches. Like, no question about that. Monica Bellucci was the Spectre ex-wife, wasn't she? What happened to her in that film? Ah, I don't remember. Probably fine. Yeah, yeah.

Probably got covered in a substance, statistically. Yeah, yeah, probably, yeah. Well, two, probably. Would hate to get covered in a substance. That's not true. I don't like that we have the kind of, like, you have the intelligent, the human intelligence sources to know that, you know? I can follow that to, like, one removed to know how you know that, you know? I don't think we're dependent on the substance.

What's wrong with getting covered in substances? It's the neutral thing, like, it's substance dependent. So long as you leave a space at the base of my spine for my skin to breathe. But yeah, so he, like, sees his control of the little tiny fighter and, like, aims it at the, um, fucking boat, and then they jump off in time to avoid the explosion. By the way, as he's, like, shoving her off the boat, he's like, I hope you can swim, by the way. Which, I would have considered this question before blowing up the boat, but yeah, whatever. We do get quite a fun scene transition where they jump in the water and then they surface

in a hotel pool, because it's like sometime later and now they're on holiday, like, yay! Yeah. And then he dodges work again in the classic, like, oh, I'm busy shagging so I won't be in, sort of way. RILEY He's done nothing but dodge work this whole film! ALICE It's fine when a podcaster does it, but when a spy does it.

And so consequently, for the next movie he's gonna be Azalate for everything, because he was fucking, you know? RILEY Yes. ALICE They made one, two, three more of these, by the way. Really? Really. Jesus Christ. OSS-117 double agent, OSS-117 takes a vacation, which I'm pretty certain he already fucking

did in this one. Just enough, like, but take a fucking vacation. What did he do? Like, did he do anything? He hasn't actually done anything in this entire movie. The only spy work he did was specifically against orders. ALICE I mean, Bond does that all the time, to be

fair. But, yeah, he didn't really... SONIA Yeah, that telegram he was dodging at the end was telling him he's sacked. ALICE He's just gonna ignore that and show up to work the next day and all that. SONIA Yeah. Oh is this 117, you are the worst ever spy.

ALICE Gen Genuinely though. But we don't have to just resort to subjective judgements about this. What is this, the cast review? Yeah. We have a science-based system, it's called the WPATH Guidelines for Transgender Care. Yeah, we have an evidence-led and compassionate approach, and so we're gonna fuckin' rip this fuckin' film a new one. We have an evidence-led and compassionate approach called the SCUMM system. It stands for SMARM, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. Which is also what

WPath grade you are. So, ow, I just ate some of my own hair, Jesus Christ. This is the thing about having long hair against my face. How smarmy is this movie, on a scale of 0 to 7? I wanna say like, 5? He definitely has more lines in the first half. Like, all the stuff about I'm your husband and I always go too far and commit crimes in the name of my country, brackets sexy. In some ways it's too perfunctory to be as smarmy as it should be, like, by the end of it it's just like, oh whatever, like, to be fair, even in the first part, when he's told

like you're going to next location he goes, oh boss that. I get the message, it's Japan. So yeah, fine, easy. When he's like, you were built to carry batteries. He does say that to a woman, which is so baffling, it would work on those girls who want to be robots, you know, the mecha sort of pilot girls, yeah, that would hit like, to not that woman, weird. ALICE Japanese women have a special way. ALICE Five?

ALICE Yeah, I would say five. That's alright. ALICE Cultural insensitivity. ALICE It's gotta be six or seven. RILEY This isn't good. Starts with a British. ALICE Yellowface? RILEY In Yellowface, None of the Japanese is translated at any point, even by the characters that we are

supposed to sympathize with. It's really bad. Japan itself isn't portrayed as a particularly negative place, it's just an unusual place where they have strange shoes. But again, it's largely a function of lack of effort, because they couldn't be bothered to make it have any sense of anywhere, so it's just like, well, it's Japan! Much as the guy says, I get that it's Japan! S I guess, like, Kawachi and Saki are competent allies, they do just disappear from

the film in Saki's case because he's killed, but like- Ae You have a Japanese female spy who gets to do more than the Japanese female spy and you only live twice in a lot of ways. Yes, that's true, but she's also an exotic, sexy, servile Asian lady. True. It's very reductive to take all of these factors and all these different racist things, especially for us as three white people to condense them down to six. Mmhm.

We've been doing that for the last two and a half years and I think we're gonna stop now, so... Yeah, we're gonna keep doing it as well. Six. Six. ALICE Unprovoked violence? ALICE Um, I mean, hanging the guy with the phone was a bit extreme, but it was pretty provoked, he was trying to kill him.

ALICE Yeah. SIDDHARTHA He doesn't do a ton of unprovoked violence, that is one of the things about this guy. ALICE Saving grace. SIDDHARTHA Not because he doesn't wanna do anything, like if he's doing any sort of spy work at all, he's upset about it. ALICE He's trying to do more smarm and more fucking, right? Even when he catches up with the guy in the overcoat or whatever, he's trying to fuck him, and then that gets him

uncle chopped. ZACH Yeah. No, he's huge into S&M. He's huge into smarm and misogyny. He's just going for those two. ALICE LAUGHS ZACH He's not even a's bigger than S&M. ALICE You have a science-based system, it's called the BDSM system, it stands for... NICOLAS Yeah, there's actually not a lot of violence

in this, except in the last half hour. ALICE No, no, really. ALICE I mean, he slaps a woman, unprovoked, to get information out of her and punish her, right, that's gotta be worth a couple of points, right, we count women as people. NICOLAS Wanna say two? ALICE Yeah. NIC couple of points, right? We count women as people. ALICE Want to say two? KM Yeah. ALICE Sure.

ALICE And misogyny. KM Really fucking high, I mean, it's not a corrective rape, but it is a textual rape that serves to advance a successful romance. Like, she likes him more afterwards. ALICE Yeah. On camera sexual assault. Multiple times. Some of his comments to her are deliberately violating, like, when he zips her dress back up after he fits her with the microphone, later on he says like, I never trust a woman with a beauty mark on her right hip, and I'm like, the only reason to say that would be

to let her know that you were looking at her hips when you shouldn't have been, like, that's just such a... They should kill this guy, for real. Yeah, they should kill this man. Take him out! Actually, hang on a second, whoa. I just wanna go back to Unprovoked Violence. He does attack the big guy, for no reason. Oh yeah, the big guy was only supposed to keep him in there.

Textually. But that's a failure of communication by the guy handing him the meeting gun. Yes, because he doesn't speak Japanese, so he didn't understand when they're going, this is my gun, isn't it nice, check it out. Yeah, check out my cool gun! Anyway, the meeting's through there, yeah. Cool, huh? Alright, if you can wait next door, that'd be fantastic.

You know, this guy's like, I'm gonna start killing anyone, just like that. I guess in that case that makes it provoked violence, and he leaves that guy alive, so he wasn't really disproportionately... But textually in the film it's unprovoked, cause Kawachi then later says, like, why did you attack our guy? Yeah, no, it is unprovoked violence. Well, Kawachi doesn't know that his dipshit middle employee is pulling a gun on the guy. Well, alright, fine, I'm leaving him too.

But anyway, back to misogyny. Yes, finally. I think it's gotta be like, minimum seven. Like, this guy's a rapist, he's like an assaulter and a rapist of women, like... Seven at least, 100%. I would say seven, yeah, comfortably. Cool. I'd go eight, I really would.

I think this is bad. I think this is bad, I don't like seeing it. And that gives us a total score of... 21. Which is pretty fuckin is bad. I think this is bad, I don't like seeing it. And that gives us a total score of... 21. Which is pretty fucking bad, although it's better than the last OSS we did, Mission From a Killer, which was 22. Ohhhh. God, yeah, they're getting worse though.

Like, OSS in Bangkok was 14, somehow. ALICE Well, it had the good guy in it still. ALICE The good news is that, like, assuming we don't get bored and move onto a new season, before this, if we do watch the next three OSS zombie sets, none of them have this guy in them anymore. RILEY Oh. ALICE Yeah, they replace him, they recast for the next one, and they steal a bit that they originally intended

to do in On Her Majesty's Secret Service, where they go, yeah, he's had plastic surgery to fool his enemies. So, we're gonna see a, like, facially feminised OSS on the set. It's the same guy. This guy's gonna look like Jimmy Carr as for the next three episodes. I would hate to have the facial feminisation surgery that makes you look like Jimmy Carr more than almost anything. Horrification surgery. Very tax-deductible.

You know what's actually kind of funny? Is that, you only lived twice, was 22, so this is one point better. Wow. Fuck me. It came out the next year. I guess the point is that if you put less effort, even, than James Bond into becoming entirely Japanese, then... He didn't become any entirely Japanese, he didn't even speak Japanese!

0.00% Japanese! They didn't even get the fucking, like, oh, I studied Oriental languages at Cambridge, he's like, I studied Oriental languages never, and I am not fucking going to, doc, like... Let me tell you this right now, I don't know how to speak Japanese. I don't know what they've got in Japan. Guy who earnestly goes to Japan expecting English to be the only language in the world. My contact, Saki, who speaks Japanese? Dead.

Failed to protect him. Completely fucked this up. My man is having a first two episodes of Shogun linguistic experience. Like... Oh man. Going through those show screens. Alright, we have to stop. We have to.

We must. This has been an episode of Kill James Bond. It really has. In two weeks' time on the free feed, it's the Quiller Memorandum. Oh fuck off. It's a British neo-noir Euro spy movie. Oh okay, alright, okay, okay, okay. We got Brits now. What's the next bonus episode gonna be? It's background, it was to the bone, was three ago, so it's Abbey now. Is it me? Oh I don't know, I've not gone

with Brits, I'll select something fun. Fantastic, well in the meantime, thank you so much for joining us and we will see you next time. Bye everyone. Bye. Goodbye. Kiljane's Bond will return in two weeks time on the free feed with the Quiller Memorandum. That's we're all excited for that aren't we folks. I'm looking around the room I'm seeing I'm looking around the room, I'm seeing... I'm seeing nothing. I got nothing from any of you. The Quiller Memorandum! Alright, whatever. But if that is simply too long for you to wait, you can help on over to our Patreon, patreon.com slash killjamesbond, all one word. And next week, we're doing Beowulf. Thank you to our patrons and of course special thanks to our £15 and above patrons and there are 90 fucking two of you and they are Lowbjornzdotter, Candy Fox, Freya Alawishas, Gustavo Lira, LittleMayBee, Jack Holmes, Mike Berg, Hannah Oberhart, Nick Boris, Jason Hager, Nito Mori, George Roak, Kentucky Fried Commie, Drone Lover,

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