Kill James Bond! - S3E30: Diabolik: Ginko Attacks!

Episode Date: October 19, 2024

In this sequel to Diabolik!, Ginko finally lays a trap and discovers Diabolik's hideout. While fleeing, Diabolik abandons Eva Kant, and she decides to get her revenge. Diabolik and Ginko do not talk to each other even once in this movie. ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. They deserve to survive. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

NKBKBNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail, Thorne, and Devon. DELUCA Buongiorno. ARIEL How you doin'? ALICE We're still in Italy. We have, we are so close to robbery season. It's... I can taste it. I can feel my rob-tooth moving. DELUCA What basically are we there? ALICE Like dog-tooth, but for robbery, my rob-tooth... It was a nested...

It made sense to me, right. I was in a mood when I made these notes. I was when I made mine as well. They made three movies about the comic book character Diabolic, they were only released in Italy, as far as I can tell. And this is number two of three diabolic Jinko attacks. And let me tell you, this movie, I looked at this as I was coming in and I was like, this is two hours long, it's the sort of middle one of a trilogy, they're gonna have less

budget, I'm not gonna enjoy this. But I did! This one's good. It's not great, but I straightforwardly enjoyed watching this film. SONIA I gotta say, I disagree. I thought the first fifteen minutes were good, and then they pissed it away. RILEY I really liked the first fifteen minutes, absolutely agree.

This starts really strong, it gets a bit slow in the middle, it's a little predictable in places, but I still had overall a good time watching it. It's a shame, it's a shame. I think they totally whiffed it. It's a bit sloppy, I think. I think you could edit this into something a lot better. I will say this though, I haven't written down a single thing about any outfit.

That's one of the things that annoyed me the most, is that we get an hour and ten minutes in before Ava Kant changes her outfit, and I'm like, what are you fucking do-? Who- what IDIOTS made this film? She's in a black turtleneck and leggings for the first hour, and I'm like, what the fuck? ALICE Listen, I'm never gonna complain about seeing a woman in a black turtleneck and leggings, especially a woman who looks like this. SONIA Neither am I, but that's also a costume we've already seen from the first one.

ALICE True. You're on this thing, you're on the Verna Herzog thing, of like, you need a new spectacle, Neither am I, but that's also a costume we've already seen from the first one. ALICE True. You're on this thing, you're on the Verna Herzog thing, of like, you need a new spectacle, right? And I respect that, I get that. One thing I will say is that I had a much better time with the aesthetics of this movie, because I could actually see it, right? Like...

RILEY That's true. ALICE Yes, that's true. ALICE I let my membership in the kind of adverse conditions movie club lapse on this one, right, because my girlfriend saved the day, and gave me access to this in 1080, of God's Own P, and so I was able to actually see the fucking movie. God's Own P. Yeah, God's Own P. Yeah, your girlfriend did the same thing for me, and it was very, very helpful.

So your girlfriend would downgrade it from wife? No, different, we're talking about different people here. I would never downgrade my wife to a girlfriend. Find it hard to keep up. Yeah, no, so I could actually see what was going on, and I was just like, yeah, this fucking rules. Because the opening shot of this movie is this, like, wide establishing shot of the city of Genf, with this, like, modern art museum of the city of Genf, with this modern art museum

and Diabolic climbing up the side of it. And it's not great CGI, but it's well composed, is the thing, and that covers for a multitude of sins. Yeah, it's pretty... It's also got some cool music, it's like, Nina Richards has done the soundtrack to this, or Zoe Blade does a lot of, like, somebody sexily leading on a synthesizer, like, BWOWWWWWWW? Check an IMDB to find out who composed for Diabolic 2. Also Diabolic, his ass looks really good in his sneaking suit, I will say. It did.

The clap of his ass cheeks. There's a brief moment where you see his silhouette and I'm like, my man's been doing some Bulgarian split squats cause he looks good. The one thing I will say about Diabolic as well is that he looks different. Because as he, in his weird latex mask, loom into view, you go, that's a different actor. And it is. And you can tell, even with the mask, because he has worse eyebrows. The first guy looked stranger. He had a weirder face.

And this time... SONIA Yeah, I liked the weird first guy. This guy just looks like Italian Leonardo DiCaprio. They enlisted a guy with a normal shaped head, which I don't appreciate. I think he looks nice. I mean, he does, but like... Yeah, I will say, the stubble's working for him in this one. Yeah.

I mean, he's pretty, he looks like a model, but... I mean, he's hardly in the films, don't worry about it. He climbs into the... Yeah, no, he's a spectral presence in this. He climbs through this window, there's one guard going window to window, and he climbs in and just throws a knife at this guy. ALICE Yeah, fully kills him. RILEY Kills him, absolutely.

And this is like, you wouldn't lose any time doing a classic, like, reverse choke out, or anything like that. You're stealth game classic, but he just doesn't do it. Throwing knife. ALICE And I'm gonna lay down a few things, for like, you know, because any good robbery, any good heist is about planning, and so I'm gonna lay down a few building blocks of my plan for robbery season now. One of the things that I really appreciate, I like guards, right, especially museum guards

who are like, objectively providing something of social value. And a lot of them don't even get chairs, they all get fucking plantar fasciitis. You can read a long article, it's kind of dated now, by a guy called David Berman called Clip-On-Tie, about being a museum guard. Also highly recommend a book by Patrick Bringly called All the Beauty in the World. But yeah, the museum guard, fascinating existence, this guy just ends. Because Diabolic just, like, knives him in the back and we get the little tracking knife camera, as well. ALICE Also, as we see later on, Diabolic is fully

capable of knocking people out with throwing knives, he just chooses not to. ALICE He's like, f-fuck this guy. GARETH His first thing in any situation is throwing knives. ALICE It's true, it's true. GARETH You startle him, he's like... ALICE And I mean, I said this in previous, in bits of EuroSpoil season. GARETH Yeah, the guy who like, responds with a throwing

knife to any stimulus. He's getting out of the scene, like, he's surviving. ALICE It's like when my parents got divorced, I have to choose between museum guard and, uh, like, throwing knife guy, you know, and I love them both. Very difficult. What? And we talk about the planning of the...

I was just gonna keep going. What? It makes sense to me. Your parents museum guards? It's a metaphor. It's just two things that we love. Yeah, exactly. Right.

Speaking of the plan, really straightforward plan on Diabolik's behalf here. So he's trying to steal a crown, it's part of a collection of jewels, presumably, that creates some large outfit that would look great all at once. Yeah. I gotta bet. He gets into the room, he locks the doors, and then he just starts to cut through the bars. Instantly sets off the alarm, which is not the best plan.

Yeah. Like, he doesn't, like, you know, short the alarm out so it doesn't, he doesn't, like, cut this off or anything, he literally just locks the door from the inside and starts cutting. Yeah, with a saw. Not even a laser. And the guards are sitting around in the Red Bowel room playing poker and discussing their favorite passwords.

ALICE I fucking love these guys. I love guards, I love how gross they are, I love the weird fake uniforms. This is deep fucking lore, right, and it's, uh, like... I don't think I've ever mentioned this before, before I became a podcaster, when I was like, flat broken just trying to do something, the one thing I was trying to do was I was trying to get my security guard license, so I could get a job doing this shit. So... So you could be gooning?

You could be gooning? Exactly! There was a real sliding doors moment, where if like... You've got nothing to do in the museum all day, you could be gooning. Exactly! Were it not for Trash Future, you could be gooning. Exactly. Were it not for Trash Future, I would be gooning right now, this very moment. You could be listening to a podcast. It's true.

As a guard. My god. So these guards, right, they go upstairs, and they look at the locked door, which is sealed, and the boss guard goes, right. Sorry, I'm having a moment, I'm imagining a sort of like, I saw the TV glow situation when you're listening to this podcast, but it's just me and Abbey, and you're like, this is missing something, I don't know what it is. Better with a third mic, yeah.

Ultimate parasocial thing where I'm like, I've been museum guard gooning for so long that I'm hallucinating myself into the role of showrunner in a podcast that you two do. Without you, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would be your favorite thing to guard? Ooh, I mean, this is the thing, everything that I've read, including this all the beauty in the world thing, there's an interesting New York Times article along the same lines,

Museum Guards have favorites, and they have favorite paintings to look at. So... RILEY Of course they do. ALICE I'm not sure, I mean, my favorite painting in a gallery that I've seen is Lady Agnew of Loch Naw in the National Galleries of Scotland, so probably that one. Helped crack my egg. RILEY Oh, shit. ALICE Yeah, seriously. RILEY I'd be in the modern art section just getting ready to fight anyone. Mm.

Anyone who's like, my kid could do that, and you just put them in a chokehold instantly. Like... He didn't. Say it. Say it. Your kid couldn't do this. Abbey. Security guard Abbey, what's your favorite painting or work of art?

My favorite painting? Oh, I love a good Northumberland landscape, so I'd probably guard that. I think my least favorite bit of being a guard would be when loads of men in bowler hats with apples over their faces come around. Yeah, just, oh, that's a rough day at the office. And then Pierce Brosnan's smacking on some chicks, I'm just like, fuck's sake, man. At some point, because we did it too early and we jumped the gun, we're gonna have to do both of the Thomas Crown Affair with Steve

McQueen, but we're also gonna have to do a Thomas Crown Affair no notes. RENEE Oh god. NICHOLAS No, we're not! We could just do the one with Steve McQueen. RENEE We're really short, nothing fucking happens in that movie. NICHOLAS My only thing I remember about the Thomas Crown Affair is them having sex on the staircase.

ALICE I remember Renée Rousseau saying, cows, after she lands a glider. That's true. Speaking of gliders. Anyway. They run up the corridor. Speaking of gliders, man. Their friend, by the way, who was just fully dead.

Dead as hell. Diabolic has tucked him away behind an alcove. And he's locked himself in with the crown. And so they can't get through the security door, and the boss guard goes, right, if someone says my kid could do that, then you're breaking out the semtex. Obviously. I'm like, I should get it. Yeah. The whole modern art exhibition is just going up. In a sort of one time only work of Dadaist extermination. A rain of, like, sweets in the areas nearby.

So they blast their way through the door, and Diabolic is escaping in a hang glider, and one of the guards goes, Diabolic, he just killed your friend! Like, they don't know that yet, they haven't seen the body. That's true, but the thing is, right, I know this is a joke that's played out for henchmen, right, something that fucking Austin Powers did in a deleted scene, but imagine the effect of this on like a normal workplace, like regular type thing like an art museum. Yeah, right. Yeah.

You gotta go to work again tomorrow. Yeah, a guy climbed up the wall of my office and stabbed my friend in the back with a throwing knife. The people of Genf must like, really dislike Diabolic? Not- L- it seems like they hate his ass. L- for good reason! S- I wanna say my favourite, my favourite bit later on was when the cops say we need

one person to drive this thing and like they might run into Diabolic and all the cops go I'm not doing that, it's a fucking suicide mission. L- yeah. No, he's gonna kill me. S- yeah, he's a murderer. L- Diabolic will fucking kill me. L- I wanna do this movie with the same opening five minutes, and then it just stays with the art museum guys, you know?

Absolutely. But instead, we follow Diabolica, cause he hang glides down to the black Jaguar E-type, which Eva's driving, she presses the big receive hang glider button, and the thing pops open. Yeah, rather than have a convertible E-type, he's still got the coupé, but it has a side seat that, like, goes out to the side, and he lands in that, and then it like, winches back in. I'm just like, what the fuck? Cool man.

He takes the mask off, we see the new guy for the first time, and I'm like, ah, go back to the old guy, I don't like this one, it's too normal. Yeah, it's Italian Leonardo DiCaprio, and he's like, ugh. And I'm like, aw, come on. ALICE So, across town, back in Clairville, we see that there is being advertised a preposterously, like, jewel-based ballet event. RILEY I would go to this. I would go to this. RILEY I would absolutely go there.

ALICE Of course we would. And the poster is like, these eight ballerinas will be wearing the jewels of the Armin collection. And it's like, gonna be primarily focused around them. And we get this- Which is the remainder of the collection that the crown belonged to. The announcer comes out front of house and he says, uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid that the Armin crown has been stolen by the Master Th thief Diabolic, but we still have all the other jewels. It's really good.

Like, just being like, oh yeah, by the way, we don't have the crown Diabolic on it, and everyone in the audience is like, oh right, yeah, yeah. Okay. ALICE He does some bits too, and the idea of like a warm-up stand-up comedian for a ballet is really tickling me, I really like that. SONIA I mean, I don't know how many ballets the writers have been to, but this is quite inappropriate, because he says, but the other jewels will be worn by our fabulous

dancers, and the women will watch the jewels, and dream of one day wearing them, the men will watch five beautiful dancers, ten beautiful legs, and best not say what they'll be dreaming about. I'm just like, this is fucking inappropriate, this is fucking ballet. I've come to have a nice time. I'm here to see the jewels, but the one joke he does do- I will say everyone in the audience is fucking smoking as well, which, like, take me back. I really like the aesthetics here.

Also some of the women in the audience are also gonna be watching the ballerinas, so... Also true. Homophobia. The one joke he does that lands for me is he says, obviously, like, all these jewels are very expensive, but don't worry, the Clairville police are protecting us, and what's really funny is everybody in the audience just kind of like rolls their eyes and groans quietly. Everyone except the cops has genre awareness, right? They know that they're in a heist film.

RIght. I think that's a key part of what I like about this. Yes. Yeah. And the thing is, a key part of being a cop in a heist film is not having that, right? A cop gaining genre awareness is one of the first warning signs of zenegatification. Absolutely.

And we'll see this from Jinko later on. This is a bit that I really like, because we get a diegetic Bond title sequence. I absolutely love this. Which is really clever, because the dancers come out and they dance the title sequence, which is really clever, because the dancers come out and they dance the title sequence to like a James Bond film with like sexy women on trampolines and like silhouettes and like... It's so good, it's really really good. With hats and like doing gun fingers and stuff and it's like, it's not very good, it's not

very well danced, it's not a very good ballet, but uh, you know, it's cool. It's shit, but like, it's not ballet, it's modern dance, right? The song is quite Eurovision in a good way. It's like, I agree, I agree. It's like Italian Sam Smith, right? Italian Sam Smith has pipes as well, it really turns it on. I'm earnestly putting this on the playlist for the gym. I mean, it's a song about, you know, how much forbidden love and things like

that, and I'm really interpreting this as being about the tension between Diabolic and Ginkgo, and slow burn rivals to lovers, 2000 words. ALICE Yeah, looking this up. The other thing is, like, these brothers who directed this movie mostly did music videos in their early careers, so clearly they just wanted to do another one. Which is what this is. And it works. It works very well.

Yeah, cool. More movies should be put in music videos at the start. I think the fact that it's only Bond doing that, it's a bit of a loss. Yeah, it's a shame to have Bond camping on that. The lights go out, there's a power cut, and all of the ballerinas, by the way, these women are not convincing ballerinas, that's no slight on them, they're all beautiful, but like, none of them are like, 85 pounds, with like, extremely fucked limbs and joints, right?

And this cop is like, alright, we gotta get you and the jewels to safety. Obviously, like, we know, from moment one, Diabolic has the fucking latex mask thing, he can disguise himself as anyone. ALICE Obviously Diabolic is this cool. RILEY He's got these fucking jewels in his side. Yeah, he like brings them down to a little room and he's like, you'll be safe in here, they get in, it's very obviously the back of a van. ALICE Yeah, he fully fritzels these women, it's like, concerning. RILEY He commits kidnapping. ALICE Yeah, he fully, like, fritzels these women. It's like, concerning.

RILEY Just takes them. He commits kidnapping. ALICE Yes. RILEY He takes these women! RILEY He loads the five of them into a truck, and then Ava's driving and they just drive away. ALICE Just like, average date I go on type of shit to be happening to me. And yeah, he dri- the plan here is so low rent as well, because he just drives them

out of town, and then gets on like a sort of megaphone, he's got hooked up in the back, and he's like, yeah, it's diabolic, take the jewels off and get out of the van. He says, or I'll take them from your corpses. Okay. It's like, alright, uh. Yeah, again, like, not really a plan. No. Yeah.

But they do it. It's not there, they do do it, yeah. It doesn't work, so. There's no lasers, there's no sort of gas or anything, it's disappointing. Yeah they do it. It's not there, they do do it, yeah. It doesn't work, so. There's no lasers, there's no sort of gas or anything, it's disappointing. Yeah, I guess. But anyway, he just lets them out, he just goes, drives away, got all the jewels, fantastic. They're fucking three gases within the first ten minutes of the last one. Meanwhile, in this kind of shitty dive bar truck stop roadhouse type situation. We see this, like, uh, we see this old trucker talking to his mate, who I can only describe

as like, Spitz Italian Ansel Elgort. He, yes. Yes. Like, alarmingly so. I'll take your word for it, no idea who the fuck that is. From like, Tokyo Vice, probably some other stuff. Never seen it. Was he Baby Driver?

No, he wasn't Baby... Yeah, he was Baby Driver! Yeah, he was the baby in Baby Driver. Not seen it. The baby from Baby Driver. He was the baby in Baby Driver. We'll get to it, that's on the next season. We'll get...

Oh god, yeah, there's a heist as well. But so like, Anselmo El Gorto is like this kind of... He's like this kind of pick-up artist type guy. And so he's like, I like to fuck nasty, I can seduce any woman, and an old mate is like, ah, you know, women are too much trouble, I'm a misogynist. And at this point, the like, eight extremely scantily clad women walk in. Mmhmm. Mmhmm.

And then, this guy, the sort of greaser guy, says, I don't know, he goes up, he has a switchblade comb, like your dodgy mate did in Sixth Form, he wanted to look hot. Hell yeah. Like Indiana Jones' adoptive son, Mutt, did, yes. Who died in Vietnam? Mmhmm. Yeah, correct. Yes, yes, you died in Vietnam. The important part of the Mut canon.

Yeah, it is actually. In the new- It's real, yeah. It is actually an important part of the canon, that Mut dies in Vietnam. So, he- I'm joking. We'll get to him. He menaces the lead dancer sexually, he calls her bossy and feisty, and like, touches her. Yeah, and then we get... so this is the thing, right?

I don't remember if I said this when we did the Charlie's Angels live shows, but if I didn't I wanted to. As much as I criticised it and make fun of it, I do have a soft spot in some ways for this kind of quasi-feminism that happens next, right? Because the woman that he's sexually harassing sort of like, judo flips him. SONIA Yeah, she judo flips him, and they all pull the strap, like, every single one of them is strapped, they're all strapped up! RILEY Yeah, they do.

ALICE This is a beautiful joke structure. Because what happens is, they like, she judo flips him, and the woman who judo flips him says, just so no one gets the wrong idea, we're all judo experts, and then they all pull guns, and she goes, yeah, just so you know, we're also all armed. And that's a beautifully constructed joke. N guns. That is a beautifully constructed joke. Feminism is when a woman has a gun. Yeah, but like, genuinely, as a piece of writing, this film has surprised me. Juno experts, and we all have guns.

It is very- it's a good series of events. It's a good set- I think this scene is extremely good. Yeah, we're still in the first 15 minutes, which are good. Yes, exactly. But then she says, can I use the payphone, someone give me a token, and the older guy like flips her a token and she catches it. My notes say, cool is when you catch things in slow motion. True.

My notes say, how do you put a token into a payphone cantile, because she does. She does manage that. And she calls Jinko and says, the jewels have been stolen, and Jinko goes, fantastic! RILEY He goes, multibene. Or whatever. SONIA All according to plan! ALICE Yes. Yeah, because the jewel ballet was, like, diagetically preposterous, right? RILEY This is really good.

I love the explaining the plan-ass music behind the scene as well. Because Jinko's like, fucking got him. Got him. Easy. Alright, let me tell you how I did this here. Yeah. I knew he couldn't resist it once he'd stolen the crown. He'd want the whole collection because he's obsessive.

He's like, he's a completionist. Ginkgo's working on a special liquid and he's used that to make them radio, make the jewels radioactive so he can track them. Bam. ALICE They did the thing from the, like, 60s Mario Bava movie with the radioactive gold or whatever. I will say this, right. ZACH Yeah, we definitely watched that. ALICE There's two things.

One is that I really like how dumb this plan is, that it works anyway. But also, Jinko fully zenegatified at this point. Like, there's two symptoms of late stage zenegatification, which he does here, complex multi-stage plans, of which this is one, and, this is essential, hyping up your own nemesis to other cops. That's the other thing he's supposed to do. The bulk of this movie doing is being like, Diabolik is a master thief, and I knew the only way we could possibly hope to catch him was this plan. RILEY No one else is taking Diabolik as seriously

as me. That's why I've dipped all of the jewels in a special radioactive liquid and put on a ballet, alright? I'm gonna give him cancer. I'm gonna give him radiation poisoning. Well the idea is they can track them, right? And those dancers are all undercover cops, which is presumably why they don't look like ballerinas.

Don't have a ballet just in bed like Alexander Livvin and Kurt but he's still wearing the fucking mask. I can't cut to him, he's got the mask on, he's got all the jewels on. You have to take off the jewels, they're killing you. No. No. You won't do it. Bury me with my golden arm.

But so the plan is, they're gonna take this hysterical fucking vehicle, this 1940s Nazi looking TV detection van. ZOE Spinning the antenna in my Jinko van, I'm gonna get diabolic for non-payment of his TV license like they got Capone. LIAM You're gonna have to let him in. ALICE And they're gonna drive around, and they're gonna find the thing. But the thing is, when he gets in the van, the guys operating it are cops wearing police lab coats, like regular lab coats with the cop uniform details sewn on, and this is so

fucking kitsch, it approaches Wes Anderson in this moment. It's really country. It's French dispatch stuff! It actually is, yeah. Also, if you liked those five undercover cops and thought those might be interesting nemeses for Diabolic, they're not gonna come back. Yeah, it's a shame, but... Yeah, yeah, they're gone.

They just have this weird interaction with Jinka where she's like, we are cops, we are professionals, we would like to get back to work, we're not just women who are like eye candy, and Jinka's like, yes, that's right! We're not that misogynist! ALICE Yeah yeah yeah, Cinco's like, take a break, girls, and they're like, with all respect, we've been dancing for like three weeks, we're all cops, we just wanna get back to work. ALICE Feminism is like, about twenty years behind in

Italy, it's fine. Um. SONIA And then they don't come back, so whatever. ALICE And then they don't come back. ALICE They haven't even vented transphobia, they very much have. Um, they've been so... I will say, she's wearing the, like, top jacket over the ballerina outfit, and I do think

I have Covid. But yeah, so they leave the movie. Never to return. Do I ever look at Ava get back to the Batcave, and at this point we encounter one of our big problems with the movie. The same Batcave that we've seen. Saving money on the set. We encounter one of our big problems, which is that they don't have any chemistry.

I'm sorry, these two lead actors, I don't believe it at all. The first two- It doesn't work. I also wrote this down. I believed that there was some passion there, but these two, they kiss and it's so... stock. Yeah, and their relationship has changed too, because if you remember the first movie, right, it was mostly like him holding her at knife point and her kind of liking it.

Whereas in this one she brings him a Campari, which, obviously, I need a beautiful Italian woman to bring me a glass of Campari, but like... SONIA Yeah, they're drinking Boulevardieres, which are an excellent drink. ALICE I literally have these glasses, even, so I've been effectively marketed to. Make me one sometime. But, uh, yeah, absolutely. But so, the vibe here is like, married couple.

She wants to go on holiday, and he's like, I live for my work, or whatever, and it doesn't have the weirdness anymore. Yeah, they're not, they're not freaks, they're not matching each other's freak anymore, like, cause she, he puts a bracelet on her, one of the bracelets I saw, and says, oh it's not as beautiful as your eyes, or whatever, and then he says, right, I've gotta go out and stop planning my next heist, and she's like, you don't wanna take a holiday? And I'm like, dude, you're fumbling the designer bag here, like, you can't put the extremely valuable jeweled bracelet on

me, tell me I'm more beautiful than the bracelet, and then not fuck me. And then like, leave. Fumbling the Birkin bag. Yeah. Danger Diabolic got this fucking right in the 60s, they were like, no no no, they finish a heist and then they lounge in a big conical bed for five days. Yeah, they fuck. They fuck in the loop.

That's the point. They fuck. Like, this is, he's just this sort of weird crime monk. They fuck! They do another half! Fuck! They fuck! They fuck! They do another half! That's the point! They fuck! Like, this is, he's just this sort of weird crime monk. And like, it sets us up for something quite nice, because she feels upset by this, and

I'm like, oh, okay, cool, and it makes me think that the movie's gonna do something interesting with our relationship, which, spoilers, it does not. No. Because then, at this moment, Jinko follows them there. Everybody in this movie has fucking explosives as well. ZACH He's on the fucking road outside the base, the set we remember from the previous fucking movie. ALICE He's been there before, in the last one!

ZACH Yeah, genuinely, he's been like, oh, he must be inside this mountain. I'm like, is this supposed to be somewhere else? Cause it's not. ALICE Yeah man, you've been here! ALICE I was in a forgiving mood when I saw this movie, so I was like, I dunno, maybe the comic book kind of lack of continuity is healthier. It's like rolling up on Tracy Island for like the fifth time and being like, yo, that's

crazy, they're right here. Like, yes, cunt! I would hate to roll up on Tracy Island. It's on the map! They never move! You can approach it from literally any direction. Even below! It's an island!

ALICE Is that house still above the base? Like, is his ex-wife still there? Like... SONIA But she says, oh I wanna go take a holiday, and Diabolik's like, go on, take one then. And I'm just like, oh okay, interesting. Conflict. Drama.

Cool. And then Jinko dynamites the entrance. ALICE Yep. And then the movie kind of wins me back, because they immediately activate their escape plan, which is to get onto the slowest, shittiest, wobbliest, like, fireman's pole with a platform lift. SONIA Yeah, this whole chase sequence is dogshit. Like, it's real bad.

It's just like these two incredibly hot people jogging lightly down a corridor and then through the woods. I'm like, you didn't have anything better to escape with. Don't you don't have like a diabolic rocket or a secret like monorail time? Right? Like a motorbike with a sidecar. You're a secret escape plan. It's just like jog into the woods. Like you're fucking raoul motes? Like, what the fuck are you doing? You're diabolic! What the fuck are you doing? The planning has really gone to shit, they're not planning at all anymore. Eva falls and twists her ankle, which of course she fucking does, because we get like twenty

shots of her jogging across scree in pleases. Like, she's just... Yeah! She's like, kitten heels trying to go up the Himalayas, like, you are going to die. You're in a fucking into the wild environment dressed like me at the Second Life show. So Diabolic leaves her ass there to get caught, but when he does, he apologizes to her, and I'm like, this sucks! The last guy pre-woke Diabolic with the weirder eyebrows, would never have felt bad about this shit, he would have just gotten...

And I liked this moment, I liked it, I was like, oh, he's an asshole, he's only dedicated to crime, remember the way he treated his wife in the last one? I was like, oh, this is great conflict, Ava is going to realize over the course of this film that this man is not healthy and it's not good and she shouldn't have done this. Great. Great setup. Really good setup. Nice setup. Nice setup.

So as Jinka's about to arrest her, she fucking dives off the cliff that she's on, into the water below where she disappears. It's like seven feet, as well. They do their best to make it look really high. It'sET It's also very still, it's just like a normal river bend, and they're like, where did she go? I'm like, you can... RILEY You can sort of... JANET Yeah.

RILEY She's just there. RILEY Just go downstream a bit, I reckon. ALICE To be fair, Jinko does say, oh, have the river dredged, or whatever, but like... RILEY Yeah, but like... ALICE He goes back to the Batcave. The thing that I do like is, as they're cataloging all of the shit that he's stolen, that he keeps in his Batcave, there's the one- This is my favorite running bit, actually.

Yeah. There's the one cop who's like a fan, who's like, holy shit, that's that piece of art, this guy's really good at crimes. We didn't even think this guy had stolen that one, we hadn't even pinned it on him yet. They also find some architectural plans for a factory on the edge of town, and then Jinko's like, what is it? And someone says it's an inexpensive warehouse filming location, Inspector, like, you can hire them quite cheaply.

And when they go out there, Jinko says something that's philosophically quite interesting to me, he says, it's always been abandoned. Which... What?! I really like, yeah yeah yeah. No, it was built to be abandoned, don't worry. It's like a block of flats in central London, it was built to be empty. It's like when I found that German Wikipedia page where about this region in there where it's like, such and such is a region in Germany without any defined geographical limits.

I'm like, oh, okay. SONIA The main thing they have in this factory there was a lot of jazz flutes, which I really like. ALICE True, true. I'm thinking of this place as like the doomed light industrial area, until further notice. SONIA Yeah. There's a lot of, like, I film a lot of Philosophy Tube episodes in places like this because they're very cheap to hire.

Mm. And they get into the, like, secret compartment in here, where they find the backup Batcave. And I will say, they've put more thought into the mask stuff in this one, because if you remember the last one, it was just a bunch of masks hanging up on the wall. Here he's got, like, a full full fucking 3D printing goop machine thing. RILEY He does, yeah. I like it. I like the goop machine. SONIA The mask machine, yeah. ALICE It's the way he keeps that.

SONIA And they decide to stake the place out in case he comes back, because they're like, well he doesn't know that we found this place, he's gonna wanna come here. Because now we've got all of his loot, is the thing. Everything he's ever stolen, we've got it. So he's gonna have to do some other kind of heist, and now he's not got his masks either, so like, yeah. We've fucking got him, boys. He won't be on the run for long. And meanwhile, Monica Bellucci.

Yeah, B plot. Yes, and then Monica Bellucci hits the movie and you go, oh my god, is that Monica Bellucci? Also, she looks great! Don't know who did her hair and makeup for this, but like... Is that literally Monica Bellucci? Yes! That's real... That's Monica Bellucci.

What the fuck? That's the real Monica Bellucci. You're joking. They put her in the movie. They put a lot of Vaseline on the fucking lens every time it's pointed at her, but... I would never have guessed that the camera is not kind to Monica Bellucci then, because like, that... She looks better in this than she does in Spectres on My Pussy, or whatever the Daniel

Craig one was. I dunno, I was expecting... You know how I feel about Italian women, and you know that this movie is intending to be like, you know, a second Italian woman has struck the movie. And just, I dunno. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. That's the real Monica Bellucci, she looks great, does a good performance.

I dunno what's wrong with me. I'm gonna go and see my optician. But anyway. She's in the next one as well. Just, really? Oh shit. Yeah, I'm just looking at a IMDb right now. They're just showing you pictures of Monica Bellucci, but like, one?

Or two? They do kind of bury her in some pretty mid outfits, she's usually wearing a big Carmen San Diego hat, which, uh, mhm. Yeah, the outfits are just not good. Anyway, she's in town, she's the Duchess of Wallenberg, she's arriving in Clairville, she's going to be attending a fabulous party wearing the extremely famous and very stealable necklace. ALICE Yeah, which has a name.

RILEY The music-lunar. ALICE Now, yes, uh... ALICE The fucking... It's legitimately called the Black Griffin Necklace, and yes, Griffin is spelled G-R-Y-P-H-O-N. RILEY They can't keep getting away with this. Yep. No, they can't. They can't.

Before you pointed this out, I didn't know this was a person, and so I just thought that the name itself was funny. I had to look it up, yeah. And so I wrote down, because the way that it sounds, it sounds like a mouse or something, like the Black Griffin gaming necklace. Yeah. Yeah, Black Griffin is a famous brony musician. He made the song proud to be a brony, among other things.

I... the brony national anthem. embarrassing to a degree, to which I know who that fucker is. Yes. And also, I think he was, he's in... Everyponypleasestand for the national anthem. RILEY Everyponypleasestand for the pony national anthem, yes. And I think, oh, there's Princess Celestia in the royal box. And I think he also had a role in Hasbin Hotel, does a voice actor and a couple of other things.

ALICE And invented this necklace. RILEY There's some other stuff behind the scenes that I can't talk about because that's libel, but yeah, extremely funny. ALICE Wow, okay. ZACH Extremely extremely funny that it's called the Black Griffin Necklace, and they keep saying it too! ALICE It's true. By the way, when she arrives in the airport, I love the fake names, and they come up with

a billion of them for cities. So like, every name on the departure board, every name on the announcements, one of them is Grover City. It's all shit like that. And I love that. I love a kind of fictional country. But anyway. So she arrives, expecting to see Jinko, and instead he has sent his boy, Sergeant Whatever,

and she is pissed at him because she was expecting Inspector Jinko, and instead he has sent his boy, Sergeant Whatever. And she is like pissed at him because she was expecting Inspector Jinko, and at first we think it's just how she, you know, has like high expectations, but very quickly we are disabused of this because she goes to visit him at his office. I thought it was a bit like telenovela, you know? No, I liked it! It's fun! So she dismisses the other people in Jinko's office, and then they kiss because they're having an affair! Discreetly! I do like this, alright.

This B-plot slightly bored me, to be honest, but... I like it, but just for really driving home how much more important to Jinko his relationship with Diabolic is than any other thing, cause that really builds into my fanfic. But you're not wrong. But I'm, you know, Forbidden Love, Angst, eight chapters currently being updated. It's not even fanfic, really. Like...

It made Jinko interesting. So they're having this affair, and, you know, obviously he is a bit more lowborn than somebody who's sleeping with a Dutch assault to be. She wants to be public about it, he's like, no, I don't think I can, like, she's like, well, a lot of my- I'm just a simple cop. Yeah, she's like, a lot of my Twitch streamers already kinda know, a lot of the people in my Discord have started to put it together anyway, and he's like, no no no, just, just, let's not do this. So, he's like, I'll be with you once I've caught Diabolic.

Which is gonna be fucking never, by the way, something that he kinda knows, to be clear. RILEY By the way, I'm not gonna be able to catch him. Yeah. ALICE So, meanwhile, back at the back of Batcave, there's, like, one of the cops is asleep on the job, the one who's left in there, and we get an elaborate and completely unnecessary fake out, where a guy stalks into the building and like, menaces him, and then wakes him up really suddenly to reveal that he's his, like, relief.

Yeah. Yeah. This is Officer Roller. Yes. Yes. He's known as Officer Dipshit for most of my notes. Officer Dipshit, I quite like him, because... I like him too.

I think he brings something to the movie, but he is just a dipshit non-stop. The cop who is asleep on the job goes, if you see Diabolic, call for reinforcements. And Roller is like, I got my reinforcements right here, in my gun, which I will shoot at Diabolic. And Roller is like, I got my reinforcements right here, in my gun, which I will shoot at Diabolic. And so the second he's left alone, Roller has this unmedicated ADHD sequence where he just immediately starts fucking with everything around him. He honestly just starts fucking with all the Diabolic stuff.

He's so real for this. Just boke and shit. And my favorite one of these, he looks at the gadgets, and one of them is like a zippo lighter, like a regular cigarette lighter, and when you flick the thing, a little like, inch long spike comes out through where the flame would go, and I'm like, what was the utility of this? For stabbing cigarettes? I guess.

Yeah. It's really when you're trying to quit smoking. Mm, I suppose so. Why would Diabolic make this? I guess it's just another hidden knife, but like, what is he doing? It just doesn't... Yeah, I dunno. I think, I don't see a reality in which you're getting stabbed by that, and that's like,

the one blow. Undignified. You know? Unless it's poison of some kind. Eh, I guess so. Could be. My poison cigarette lice. Anyway, he hears a noise, and it's Diabolic. Y'know? Because once Roller has shot at the mirror, Diabolic just steps directly in front of the gun anyway.

RILEY Yeah, back to exactly where he thought he was when he was shooting. RILEY He's already aiming at it too, and he's established the gun works, he's tested it. It's not a challenge. RILEY Yeah. Anyway, throwing knife. RILEY Throwing knife.

Maybe. Well, anyway, the other cops, they run in, they find Roller unconscious on the floor. RILEY Yeah, I wrote down second kill, and then crossed it out when they were like, he's alive, and I was like, oh fuck. ALICE The rest of the movie now becomes instantly clear to you, because he has, like, incapacitated but not killed this cop, in the same place where he has the goop machine that gives you the mask.

RILEY Which is now gone. RILEY Yeah, we've just had it established, because the cop was poking at it before he got knocked out. ALICE He has... I hope you're excited to see a lot of this Roller guy because he's gonna be diabolic for most of the rest of the movie. Yeah. Jinko at this point goes to see the new Justice Minister who's like, first of all, thank you

for having my predecessor beheaded so that I could be promoted to this job. Yeah, talks a lot of shit for a guy who- Yeah, he does! He's quite frankly very mean to Jinko for a man who got into this job, killing history. Anyway, they're like, well, you might not have gotten Diabolic, but good work so far, because we've recovered everything that he's stolen, so nice work. Yeah, we got everything you ever need. Job's a good one.

Yeah, yeah, good plan. And so the phone rings, and it's for Ginkgo. And they put it on speaker, and it's Ava. And she says, diabolic fuckin' left me behind, I hate that asshole, I'm not gonna turn myself in but I will help you catch him in exchange for my freedom. And so the minister is like, make this deal. Yeah. Jinko, kind of, in order to establish conflict, it kind of goes against some of his prior zenegasification, but he's like, no, I will absolutely not make this deal.

Both because I don't want to reward her for committing crimes, but also because I don't trust her. RIght? And she's gonna betray us. RIght, well he's jealous because she gets to sleep with Diabolos. ALICE Also true. The Minister orders him to do it anyway. Um.

Yes. And so, he tries to double cross her. Yeah. He tries to trace the call when she calls it a nighter. There's a ginkgo line in this scene that I just really wanna highlight here, because it goes towards my theories here. Nothing is more important than catching diabolic, not sleep, not love, not death. That romantic is fuck. Ginkgo biloba. STRAIGHT MAN. love, not death. ALICE That romantic is fuck. RILEY Ginkgo biloba.

Straight man. ALICE Yeah, come on. So, as, they try and trace the call that Eva is making, using the same radar van, which I really like. And of course she gets away. RILEY But, at this point, the cops who are cataloging the loot realize that one of the bracelets is missing. I said like, ahhh.

A third Italian woman strikes the me in the form of the art cop, Elena. The art cop is very nice. Woof. Woof. Bark. Bark. Yeah, she's cool, she's cute. She seems really lovely. She's like the smart cop. And so she's the one who deduces... Cop buckets lady. Yeah, she's cool, she's cute. She seems really lovely. She's like the smart cop.

And so she's the one who deduces... Cop buckets lady. Yeah, exactly. She's got glasses and everything. So you know that she's clever. And she's the one who deduces that one of these bracelets is missing. It's still radioactive, so Eva's gonna have mega wrist tumors. And also, incidentally, they can track it using the radar van. When she realizes this, they do a little like crash zoom onto her face, which I found really

quite pleasant. Very comic book-y. It's the only one in the whole movie and it's just like, huh! So they're tracking Ava across the city and Roller is determined to be the first one there, because he's like, I failed to catch Diabolik, legendary big dick criminal, I will be the first to capture Ava. So he drives through a shopping center to get there. ALICE There is a little throwaway thing, by the way, which hit me with the you will never eat off of the Hong Kong police snack van thing, which is, when they get the call about Ava, one of the cops is drinking an espresso

from an espresso cup, like a ceramic one, and he gets in the car, like, taking the cup with him and immediately spills it down his front, and I'm like, you will never be a faux Italian cop getting into your little squad car with your tiny espresso cup. RILEY It's a really funny movie, like, it's really- there's a lot of little jokes like that. ALICE I would love to be the espresso cop, to be honest. He's like running over to the car with his little like, fucking mo. Ugh, incredible.

What's going on, what's going on? Well, so, uh, Roller, who definitely isn't diabolic in disguise, gets over at gunpoint and then is like, I'm gonna come really close to you now, don't try anything! And of course she does. She judo flips him. She like, holds him at gunpoint to make her escape. She goes, I know judo, and I've got a gun. She like knocks out another cop, it's genuinely for a moment it's like some Brigada Rossa

shit, like she's left two cops on the ground. Yeah. And the other cops can't follow her as well, cause Roller is lying in the middle of the fucking pavement, so he's like, fuck it, let's throw their arms up. And then he's like, oh, also, I got the bracelet off her. Don't worry guys, I got the bracelet back, and we're all like, I'm gonna kill you Roller! Just like the most anyone's ever beened it at work. Unfortunately it is diabolic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just, everyone's so fucking mad at this guy. We do then get a bit that I like, because Roller, in quotes, reports to the Batcave and is like, I've been sent to the Batcave to help the art cops catalog the art because I've fucked up. This is an interesting bit, and it's something that, like, you can also see in the BBC series Ludwig, which is just out, which does the same thing. And it's something that I always wonder whenever you have a disguise thing, how you never run

into this problem, which is, what if you disguise yourself, and then meet someone who knows the person you're pretending to be? SONIA Because Elena the Art Cop is just like, oh, Rolla! Good to have you here! Like, we went to fuckin'... Academy together! ALICE Mmhm. And of course he doesn't act like him. Because

Diabolic is naturally taciturn, and he's trying to make the most of his cover, and Roller is apparently a funny guy, he's very gregarious. And so, he has to sell this to Elena, who looks increasingly unconvinced, as,'m like, punished Roller now, because they put me on like, jewelry cataloguing. I've been sitting at work. Yeah. They demoted me. Yeah.

I need to do my big heroic thing to like, get my career back, y'know? Mmhm. But meanwhile, Jinko says alright, I'm gonna go and meet Ava. Finally she has a second look! She has a black hat, red coat, says alright, I'm gonna go and meet Ava. Finally, she has a second look. She has a black hat, red coat, white shirt, and trousers. She's got some lovely black gloves. Like, white boots. ALICE Very cool meeting location as well.

It's a sort of cunty lighthouse. Art Deco lighthouse. Oh, excuse me. SONIA She also has some big sunglasses that are very, very close to the Dita Narcissus, which are the sunglasses that I actually have. ALICE Aha. Interesting. So about this lighthouse, um-

GIGGLES ALICE Well if you're meeting in a lighthouse then you will meet sunglasses. LIAM Shut the fuck up about a lighthouse, I need to name check the sunglasses I own. GIGGLES ALICE Just put them on, she's got them on, chat. GIGGLES ALICE You'll need sunglasses if you're meeting in a fucking lighthouse.

GIGGLES ALICE She's wearing the fucking sunglasses. LIAM Oh, we're fantastic. I mean, I have the Campari glasses, so like, it's all good, you know. These are all consumer items. I got my fake cigarette. Mmm. Nice.

I'm gonna hold that while I do mine. These are my podcasting sunglasses. Mmm. Ah. They do look great on you, to be fair. But they meet in the Conti lighthouse, and then she makes him an offer, like, okay, you gotta bait Diabolic by offering him the chance to steal back everything that you've taken from him in one go. ALICE He'll be watching the Batcave, obviously.

So like, you've just gotta move everybody out of there so that he thinks it's empty, and have an extremely well-guarded shipment that you announce is taking all of his loot to the vault that you have. And then he's just gonna hit that in this tunnel, which is, he's gonna block off the ends and fill it with gas. RILEY He's got a classic trap in this tunnel, we know about a trap, he'll definitely use it. This is where I put my hand up and go, I watched Danger Diabolic, the 1960s movie, and I remember

this exact fucking plan from the second half of that film. ALICE Yeah. Could you like, think this exact fucking plan from the second half of that film. Could you like think of a fucking plan for your movie? The twist is that the the van, the armored car will be empty because you won't really move the jewels. You will actually have left them in the cave unguarded. And at this point, I was like, oh, Ava's doing something very clever. She's going to steal all of diabolic shit from him. Yeah, I'm like, this is all she's insane plan. She's obviously going to steal all of Diabolic's shit from him. Yeah, I'm like, this is, oh, she's, our insane plan, she's obviously going to steal that stuff. Jinko is at least smart enough not to fall for this entirely.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Jinko's about like, this is, she's obviously lying. And he keeps trying to convince his boss, we got like a couple of scenes where he's like talking to the fucking Justice Minister, he's like, please, can we not go along with this? So he makes him, and so in order to do this, he has to do the first step of the plan, which is to put us about in the criminal underworld that this convoy is gonna be taking such and such a route at such and such a time.

And in order to do this, we need to meet the sickest cop in the world. Yeah! Name, Officer Urban. Sick! Like a pope! Like a profession. Urban Officer. He's out there!

Officer Clement V has arrived on the fucking scene, and... like, cop and anticop. So we get this sequence, which is almost exactly the vibe of the song, guys on every corner, the music even, kinds of matches, lots of guys in leather jackets, kind of conferring and smoking, as this guy who also drives an extremely sick sports car. That's what the criminal underworld is. Yeah. It's just guys wearing jackets. Yeah.

Hangin' out. It's mostly like a leather jacket fraternity. Fair enough. Fairin' out. It's mostly like a leather jacket fraternity. Which, fair enough. Fair enough, yeah. Also, I should talk about this cop, right, because he's got, like, the haircut here is combination bald spot mullet, and he's wearing like, acetone sunglasses, sorry, I don't know the brand of the sunglasses, but like, they look sick.

They didn't seem remarkable. You're not going on an internet movie's sunglass database. He looks like the racist one from The Taking of Pelham 123, and yet somehow, in a way that like, fucks. He does, yeah. This is my fancast for Harry Dubois, when they make the Disco Elysium movie. Yes, actually, I was watching this film with nobody and the person that I wasn't watching it with remarked that he looked like that.

Yeah. And so he puts this about in the criminal underworld, drives this sick-ass car back to the police station, and he does the, like, cocky salute, fake salute thing to Jinko, twice in one conversation, just to really double down on it. This actor was just like, I'm in two scenes, I'm gonna fuckin' boss this. Not coming back. And he does! Jinko was the least interesting officer in this.

There's the key thing, like, other cool police people disguise as ballerinas or as underworld guys and I'm just like, why are we with this dope? Anyway, Jinko goes- No, pathos. Pure emotional pathos. Lot of, like, freedom of expression in the Clairvaux police department, you know, you can just really... Yeah, and they're all on some Serpico shit. Entire unit of Serpicos.

Oh, that's the dream, that's cop heaven, fuck life on Mars, that's... That's what fucking Jackie Chan gets given in, um, oh shit, Police Story 2. Yeah, just fuck around, do whatever dumb cop shit you want. But the big party that the Duchess is going to is also tonight, and Jinko was supposed to be there to handle her security, so he goes to her and he's like, I'm really sorry I won't be there to guard you when you're wearing the famous black griffon necklace. By the way, how old was that necklace's wife when they met? Nevermind.

But I'm not gonna be there tonight, because I'm obsessed with catching Diabolic. Yeah, I love Diabolic more than you, because I'm obsessed with catching Diabolic. ALICE Yeah, I love Diabolic more than you. And I'm gonna be catching Diabolic. ALICE This is a great scene for a couple of reasons. One... like, she has more chemistry with him than, like, Eva and Diabolic have, but also, her vibe here is, I love you, you're so fucking boring and annoying. Which is, like, it's great, that's a great

pitch to take. Yeah, yeah, I like that she's like, yeah, go on, go get him, honey. I'm gonna go and be with my makeup artist who's been given an unusual amount of screen time. Yeah, here's my makeup artist pointing at her, it's a young woman, it's like, alright, alright. Obviously this is Eva wearing the goop mask, but like, I'm going insane, I'm kicking over chairs and tables, I'm... yeah, no. And she's like, I'm the best makeup artist in town.

In the sense that I'm wearing a latex mask, disguise, and a wig. Incidentally, the, uh, Elena does try and hit on Rollo, as she believes, while he's in disguise. So, back in the Batcave. They go, right, so, the real, like, the jewels are gonna be transported out in like, an ordinary normal type van, with one cop like in plain clothes in it. And we need to volunteer, and this is where, as you say, Abi, every cop there is like, no I'm gonna fucking kill. ALICE Yeah, I'm not gonna fucking do that, yeah.

RILEY Yeah, a diabolic will hit me with a throwing knife minute one. I'm not even, I'm not making it to midnight, baby. ALICE Every one of those cops is thinking about the knife cam in their heads at that moment. But Roller is like, no, I'll do it, I gotta win back my reputation. RILEY Yeah, and Elena completely takes apart the argument immediately, she's just like, why would you have to?

ALICE It's like, I dunno, vibes? RILEY He's like, well I've messed up twice so I have to do this to prove that I'm good, and she's like, we'd sit in a van for twenty minutes, why would that prove that you were... He's like, I have to do it for honor, alright? Fuck off. ALICE The one cop capable of deductive reasoning. So he has to drive this van to Bratville, I love the fake names, so much, where it will be met by a police escort.

SONIA How do I get there? Lookin' into getting the train to there. RILEY That's where Kamala Harris is fuckin'... R I'm trying to fuckin' trap me. ALICE The three turns of Bratville. So the fake convoy leaves, drives into the tunnel, and immediately the trap is sprung. Right? Yeah.

The shafts come down on each end of the tunnel, filled with cop-incapacitant gas. Nice to see a gas, just always a fun... Oh, yeah. We love a gas. One of my favorite states of Massa. Because you can see the store getting work. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And then like a fucking fake diabolic on a little rail comes out of like a psych department.

Like it's a small world after all, or some shit, out of the fucking tunnel. The ballistic gel diabolic? All the cops have their gas masks on, which is kind of a sick aesthetic, like, shots are good. And they're like, oh my god, it's a fucking mannequin. ALICE They're wearing the Soviet GP5 masks with the original filters, so RIP to all of those extras in real life. ZACH Do they not work?

ALICE Asbestos. It's got asbestos in it. ZACH Oh, yeah. ALICE Oooh, oh dear. ALICE So, yeah, bad working conditions. ZACH There's a reason why they're the cheap ones, costume department. Mmhm. I kinda wish knockout gas were real. Like, first of all, you'd never worry about insomnia, cause you could just hit the dog

tooth, you know, just like, chloroform yourself. But it's probably not good to be using that again. You can get knockout gas. What if it was just fine? What if, like, after the cigarette that's good good for you they invent the chloroform that's good for you and I can just chloroform myself sometimes? ZACH Well I think the point is just that you're not getting oxygen, not that the gas itself has an incapac...

I mean, it's just displacing... ALICE I think the thing is, right, big anesthetist wants to continue the employment of Gnestetists. And so like, obviously of course they don't want you to have access to the rag that knocks you out for a bit. They've gotta insist on all of the mixing of gases and all the oxygen supply and all the rest of it. So, uh.

Can you just talk about Noz? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. Anyway. I think the occasional sleepless night is good for you as an artist. Mmm, I don't. I mean, I guess so. I think the occasional sleepless night is good for you as an artist. Mmm, I don't. I mean, I think... Give me the chloroform. Oh my god, I've had the occasional, yeah.

Yeah sometimes it's 3am and you're like, I could do the chloroform, if it was in the house I would do it right now. Oh yeah. Roller drives into a secret hedge. Yep, which he prepared earlier. Yeah. Monica Bellucci discovers that the black griffon necklace is gone, and then she's just like, oh wow, that's crazy.

Also, my necklace has been tweeting some things about white people that are maybe a little bit unusual, but anyway. What? And Roller... We gotta do some reading after this. Roller and the makeup artist meet up in the woods and it's fucking diabolic and Ava and they never broke up, it was all a setup. This sucks, man.

Like all the conflict- This is an abuse of the flashback. It says bullshit, by the way. Yeah, and then they explain that like, oh actually we planned this all along, it was all a setup, and it's just like, it's great, so you've just taken all the conflicts out of this fucking story. Thanks a lot. Genuinely. Thanks a lot. ALICE Genuinely. RILEY Thanks a lot. Our characters have learned nothing, they're going nowhere. Great. Thanks.

ALICE I don't object to a flashback, but making the breakup be planned ahead of time is like, way too far. RILEY Yeah. RILEY Yeah. Just trying to do a usual Suspects Reveal with a head injury. It's like, this is not anything. RILEY The real Roller is dead, it was stabbed in the head by the knife cam. Throwing knives.

What did he do with the body? I don't know, it's gonna start to smell by now, isn't it? Did he fucking eat it? Like, where did- He can dissolve bodies. Gotta be a vat of acid, right? Yeah. You would think. It's an abandoned warehouse. They come with those.

Yeah. Um, but- You know from hiring them for Philosophy Tube. Yeah, with those. Yeah. But! You know from hiring them for philosophy tube. Yeah, of course. The one thing he didn't count on was that Elena would be in the van, and she'd be a judo expert, but more importantly she'd have a gun. So she shoots diabolic! Small, small detail that like, part of the plan was when Eva dives into the water, she escapes into a pre-prepared underwater bat cave entrance.

Sucks, dog. Fuck off. Fuck off. Seriously. Complained earlier about a lack of escape vehicles in the second they arrive, we're all like, this is shit too. It's fucking awful. Rubbish.

I wanted a bet, I just wanted a better movie more than anything else really. I will say, Diabolic does save a sentence, Ginka wasn't born yesterday, he never trusts anyone and considers every possibility. And I wrote gay. ALICE Just fuck! Just fuck each other. ZOE You met this man once! You don't know this.

ALICE I can't stress enough that Azalaina has them at gunpoint. Diabolic did murder her friend, which, like, he knows about. ZOE Yeah. Which is funny, the second that both of them start getting threatened they just start doing like, sigma face. She pulls out the gun and both of them just like, wordlessly turn to her and start like, mugging them. Yeah, they both do like, models, they're mewing!

They're fucking mewing! Yeah, they immediately start mewing, and it's like, interesting. So as Diabolik is getting shot, Eva kind of like, just kind of walks around, she, Napoleon, she walks around behind Elena to distract her. She just circles straight at her. What a fucking shame. Appears behind her, not entirely clear how she does that in heels either, but then Diabolic throws the throwing knife with the handle, and the handle hits her and knocks her out,

and then it's like... You could do it at any time, huh? So A, you could have done that at any time, and B, she's seen your face, man. She knows what you're doing. But this is the thing, this is the consummation of the Xenogastification process, right? In order for it to happen, your nemesis has to spare your life because they respect your deductive capacity, right? Yes.

Yeah, you're saying Elena is early stage early stage Zenigata fight right now. Exactly, exactly. But also, do Jinko and Diabolic have a fucking scene together in this whole movie? I don't think they even meet. No, they don't. No, they don't. No, it's all working on the pathos of the scene at the end of the last one. It's just like...

I dunno, I dunno. Okay, fantastic. I think just like, it's like atomic charge, right, like a strong enough Lupon can just like start making cops around them become Zenergada, just by like induction. A Lupon even sounds like an atomic particle. Young Luans, Muans, Lupons. Bruh, you're emitting mad Lupons right now. Getting Zenergada-fied.

Lupon particles, we got Lupon waves. Large Lupon Collider. Smashing two of the fuckers together at relativistic velocity. Oh, zenigarda. I also like that as you say retrospectively, this does mean that Diabolik is making a conscious decision to be like, yo, fuck art museum guards. For real! Like, you could hit them with the back of the knife at any time, and it has the same effect.

Shoes is not to do that. Shoes is not to, unprovoked finds. And then they escape with the jewels, which by the way, still radioactive. And not just in the sense of me doing cancer bits, but in the sense of like, you can track them with the van that you already have. Cinema sins ding. ALICE The war will never be over between Kinko and... ALICE No.

But they go on vacation, and they kind of make up if they were ever even really fighting. They drink some more Campari, how much did Campari kick in for this? And Eva's like, isn't it cool being on vacation? I don't care. RILEY I don't give a shit. But then we hit the actual emotional core of the movie. D'YONC His girl. This is the other thing. Advanced zenegatification is a process of self-knowledge, right? And so, Jinko goes to meet his girlfriend as she's leaving, and because they're in public they can't be openly romantic.

But he does say to her, instead of coming to spend time with you, I kept trying to catch a criminal I never catch. Yeah, I will never catch as well. So you know! He knows it's doomed! He knows it's doomed by the narrative! It's like, listen, he has to jettison this partner, this girlfriend, it doesn't matter where she's the fucking dutchess of, alright?

Late-tier zenegardification, you have to commit yourself to that, like, in a set-up. You can't have anything else. It's love as a kind of, like, self-ablasing process. Like, the Zenegata is, in the end, a tragic figure. You must be consumed wholly. He fumbles the air-rest bag, which, I mean... It's not even fumbling, it's something beyond fumbling. I've been there now.

He abandons it. I have fumbled the air-ass bag in the past, bad decision. Bad- no. Don't. Don't dedicate yourself to anything. Dedicate yourself to getting an air-ass. If a beautiful air-ass falls in love with you, do not fuck it up! Take it from me! You can fuck it up if you want.

No, don't. Don't! What if she's. No, don't! Don't! What if she's, like, got a bad personality? I like how I spent the whole of the People's Joker trying not to talk about my ex, and you just fucking... because you're like, because I'm like, I don't wanna overshare about the time I fumbled the bag. And then this one, unexpectedly, Dark Horse, you come in with a sliding tackle of, by the way, when I fumbled this heiress.

Well, she wasn't really, she was kind of an heiress, not really, not a massive one, I did- Oh, okay. Just downplaying it now. She wasn't nobility because she was American and they didn't have that, but, you know, it was going well and I fucked it up. Don't do that, don't do it! Don't do it! I would hate to fuck up a relationship, but the thing is, I don't even have the consolation

of having fucked up a relationship because I was trying to catch a criminal. I fucked up a relationship because I don't know how to communicate with people. And that's way worse. Oh yeah, no, I fucked up a relationship like that too. Yeah, I can't recommend it. Yeah, same, I wasn't even trying to catch a criminal. I gotta find like a nemesis. I'm taking nemesis applications at this time. No, no, don't do that either.

No, don't do that. Take it from me, do not. Do not get a nemesis. If anyone out there listening would like to have a shockingly intimate yet hostile relationship that persists for the rest of our lives. I want to be clear, they don't share a scene together in this movie. It's not a height, like you're not going to see me very often, but you have to be thinking about me all the

time. That's the relationship we're talking about. It's a long distance relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I suppose. Long distance enemies. Yeah. On the other end of a long arm of the law. Yeah, very good. Yeah, Jinko and Diabolic on like a discord in the middle of the night, just, uh, really sad, actually. But I think the moral of the story is, like, sometimes your girlfriend's gonna try and stop you doing work, don't let her, and I'm like, I don't really like that as a fucking moral?

ALICE Yeah, the lesson to this, stay out of my fucking business. RILEY Fuck off, cut that. RILEY It is quite misogynist, they're just like, both of the women in this movie are just trying to stop these two Tom and Jerry guys doing their Tom and Jerry thing. And it's like... ALICE It's tough to be married, like, in a straight relationship with a gay guy who has

a sort of gay nemesis boyfriend. RILEY Honestly. If you see a late stage Lupin, you can't fix him. You actually can't fix him. ALICE There's a strong, attractive force. SONIA I found this one a little boring, if I'm honest, because I really liked the idea that Ava might grow as a character, or be betrayed by Diabolika, but he might have to win her back somehow and change, it was really interesting, and

it was such a sad, cheap reveal at the end that actually, there was no conflict at all. Yeah. I dunno, talking about how I feel worse about this movie, but at the time, I kind of enjoyed it. I think it sagged a bit in terms of pacing, it could've used another edit pass, but like... Yeah. Costumes are no good. I think it got mostly because I could see it, right?

And I'm trying to gin up this watching movies in really adverse situations thing, because it really pleases me. Because like, god knows I've done enough of it, and I think I'm just spoiled now by being able to see things in the actual movie, has made it so like, yeah, this is pretty good, it's fine. My baseline shifted on that basis. Yeah, did I like the movie, or was it in 1080p, who knows? It's hard to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, wow. We'll do a fucking t-shirt about that, and you can buy it soon. But yeah, this has been diabolic Jinko attacks, but we don't have to just be subjective about it. Because we have. Yes, yeah. We have a science-based system. A science-based system.

It's called the SCUMM system, and it stands for SMARM. Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked Violence, and Misogyny. So on a scale of 0 to7, how smarmy is Diabolic Jinko Attacks? RIght, it's gotta believe that it's doing something really clever, right, like, to hinge your whole movie on this. True, but like, moment to moment, in the dialogue, significantly less than the first one. Oh yeah, the first one, Diabolic was saying lines, right, but he's barely in this fucking movie. He has one where he's like, the bracelet is not as beautiful as you, and I'm like, that

is so fucking obvious, dog. Mmhm. Smartly, but like, not enough to give it more than, I don't know, like a... I don't know, a low smart score, actually. Just like a two. Yeah. Yeah. Cultural insensitivity.

I have... Once again, we're in the erasure thing of, this is like, all white people, it's in sort of like, 60s Europe, nebulously. And it's kind of, it's not overtly insensitive to anyone, as far as I can tell, but it's also because it's like, this is a completely just white and, like, it's a monoculture function. RILEY Yeah, makes sense. RILEY Sure.

Unprovoked violence, gonna be pretty high, a lot of murders. ALICE Fuck Museum Guards. RILEY Once again, we know that he is actively choosing to kill, like we have that confirmed for us. Two kills are necessarily in this, that I counted. Rolo and the museum gun. ALICE This is a thing we need to stake out now before, like, robbery season. How do we value blue lives, right?

Is it worse or better to kill a cop than a, like, normal person? NICOLA I think the purpose of the unprovoked violence is not to pass, necessarily, judgement on a kill by kill basis, it's more like, is this movie glorifying violence that is morally unacceptable? And I still think, oh, like, higher standard is Rambo there, where it's like, this guy is... Those were soldiers, they were attacking Rambo, which could be seen as provoked, but at the same time, it glorifies in that violence. Yeah.

I mean, if you create the situation as well, that is still, like, unproven. So premeditation. I guess the other thing is that, like, this movie's, uh, not that the first one was particularly thoughtful about it, but it did take a moment sort of implicitly to consider the strangeness of like, hey, I'm desperately attracted to this guy who kills people for money. Uh, for like, no reason other than to acquire wealth. Yeah. What does he fuckin' spend it on, as well? He just obsessively collects it.

He just likes the things. He just holds it in a place. He's a hoarder. Like... There's genuinely a scene midway through where they've got, while they're still doing their inventorying Diabolics layer bit, where they get an art guy in to be like, yeah, this painting is by an old master, but no one's ever heard of it before.

Like, it was like, kept in a private collection and they were never talking about it, so like, he's just stealing this shit to have it, like it's not, there's no higher purpose than like fucking kleptomania. ALICE Yeah, it's just acquisitive behavior. And this movie doesn't do that, this movie's just like, this guy is like, normal, you know? And we're not gonna think about him too much. Yeah, don't worry. He's just a fuckin' magpie.

I think on that basis it's kind of higher in some ways, like, I think this is... Last time we gave it six. Well, I don't wanna give it a seven, because it's not like he's opening up on people with like a crew-served machine gun. RILEY We can certainly go higher. ALICE True. I think six is fine. ALICE I think six is, yeah, I think it's a six, yeah.

RILEY It's definitely not a step down. ALICE Yeah. SONIA Yeah. SONIA Yeah. SONIA I'm sad that the fucking female characters in this don't have anything to do except be there and support their men. RILEY No. Yeah. SONIA And I'm just like, you could have done so

much with Ava in this movie, and you've just turned her into a fucking mannequin to make Diabolic look cool, it's so disappointing. ALICE It's also, I think about the ballet cops a lot, right, in the sense that it's very pleased with itself, to the point that I almost feel like we should have given it another sman point for this. For like, inventing feminism, right, To be like, you know, they're sexy, but they're cops. RILEY We can give them another point if you want,

we can bump it up to three. ALICE Yeah, let's do it. RILEY Do it, yeah. ALICE And, but yeah, it's kind of, it seems, it feels quite dated now, it is problematic, as the kids would say. And yeah, just in general, like, Eva is an interesting character to try and approach some of the stuff through, if you bother, and this one doesn't. So yeah.

I think this is probably like a four or a... no, like a four, I think. Four? I would go four for this. Okay. In that case, that gives it a total score of... 16. Which is better than last time, although I just found this one less interesting, I found it- It's reasonable.

Yeah, I just didn't like it. It's a bit boring, actually, and you could have done so much with this and then didn't- also, it does something which a dramaturg friend of mine calls, it takes the play away from the audience. So you give the audience a story that they're enjoying about one thing and then you take it away from them, you're like, ah, you're a fool. It's like, I was enjoying this, these two thieves are angry with each other and they are having a sort of thief war over their relationship. I was enjoying that, I was invested in it, and I was disappointed to discover that actually

it's bullshit. I mean, it's just about stealing necklaces. ALICE You could potentially pull off the twist if it had been done slightly differently, but why would you bother? ZOE Hmm. Well, I think one of the major problems is obviously, like, the last movie, the protagonist was Eva. Right? Whereas in this one they've moved and the protagonist is now Ginkgo.

Like, he just doesn't quite care. Who is the protagonist in this fucking movie? ZOE It can't be Diabolic, he's hardly in it. It's not Diabolic, he's not in it. It's the one cop, it's Roller I guess. I guess it is Gingko. But Roller is Diabolic. Yeah, I...

Zendaya is Michi. I don't fucking know. Yeah, exactly. It's like, what are we doing here? What is happening? The credits as it circles Gingko and Alea smoking though are really good. Nice. It's got a very like anime angsty outro vibe to it.

This was kind of, like, it was fine. You know, I wouldn't recommend it, I wouldn't not recommend it, I'm in a state of total atoraxia about this movie, it's fine. Cool. I had fun for the two hours I watched it, and I'm probably never gonna think about it again in my life. However, there is another one, there is a third one, which is Diabolic Who Are You, which we will see not next time, but on the next free episode.

Because we have a Patreon, and the next bonus episode is gonna be a Halloween one. Dev, I believe your pick. D. That's right. Woo! Yes. I thought long and hard about this, I got a lot of suggestions, and then eventually I gave all of them the middle finger and I went very left field on this. I've gone for the most evil movie I've ever seen in my entire life.

The most spiritually rotten film. Oh, supersize me. Sex and the City 2. No, you dog! I... I... Uuuugh. Okay, right. Opening an employment tribunal.

You have to watch Sex in the City 2 and talk to me about it for work. Okay, cool, when it comes back to me we're doing salo and visitor queue and a double bell. I need you to help exercise a demon. I watched this thing a couple of months ago. I've never seen any Sex in the City stuff, so I'm kind of interested to... I admire you people are dogs. I will watch Sex in the City too. Okay.

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