Kill James Bond! - S3E31: Diabolik: Who Are You?

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

Not a grand finale, but a finale nonetheless. This week, we conclude our Eurospy season by taking a look at the final movie of the Diabolik reboot trilogy, Diabolik: Who Are You? After spending one movie on Eva and one on Ginko, the writers have finally sighed and written some Diabolik backstop. Turns out he was raised on SPECTRE Island. Cool. ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. They deserve to survive. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devon. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. We're all waking up in the big bed that we share. It's a morning Kill James. It's a Kill James brunch.

We're sitting down with like little coffees. We're being very racist about two Muslim women who are sitting on another table. What? We're having a girls, but it's a reference to sex in the city, too. Genuinely threw me for a second. We're having a girls, but it's a reference to sex in the city, too. Oh, OK. Genuinely threw me for a second. We're brunching. Uh-huh. No, it's a beautiful day. You know, the sort of like sunlight is coming up, the music from that one Hovis ad is playing.

Absolutely. Yeah. A beam of light through the window. Everything is as it should be. And we are ending, we are at the end, the culmination, the final point of Euro Spy season. We did it. Done with these guys.

Now, I mean, I would have liked it if we could have done that with a good film. But, you know, you can't always choose these things. And so... I, by cause of the table, I liked this one. I did think it was as good as the first Starabolic, because again, they still haven't understood that what makes it good is Eva Kant in Kanty Clothing. But I thought it was better than the second one.

I'll agree. It's definitely better than the second one. I had a good time for the first like half of this and then it like the plot changes very dramatically and it loses me pretty badly. The third and most recent entry in the reboots of Diabolic. This is Diabolic Who Are You, which came out in 2003, 2023, excuse me. By God, last year. It came out in 2003, last year. It's 2004 now.

And America is fucking under attack. And America is fucking under attack. Fuck! Thank God, it's 2004. I better go start changing gender. I think democracy is on the ballot this year or something. I've just been born. The most consequential election of your lifetime. But so, yeah, we are touching robbery season.

It's next, right? But so, yeah, we are touching robbery season. It's next, right? And like, if you haven't seen us do your favorite Euro Spy film, I'm sure we'll dip back in. There's plenty of scope for us to like go back and fuck around and stuff. But like... Because it's less of a binary and more of a spectrum. Because in large parts, the Diabolic series are robbery films.

It's a bridge. It's a bridge from one to the other. And on ramp, definitely. I've become very attached to Diabolic as are robbery films. It's a bridge. It's a bridge from one to the other. And on ramp, definitely. I've become very attached to Diabolic as a concept, but the actual Diabolic movies have not really got me. This one's not great, in my experience. It was funded in part by the EU, which I saw in the opening credits like totally spies. When I was watching this, I was like, my favorite part about watching any European film produced in the last, I don't know, 10 years minimum, is that it opens with about 20 minutes of

different logos for the cultural and arts and film foundations of different European countries regions. Yes. Whatever like Emilia Romagna has a sort of a cultural slush fund into which they have given this movie some money and some tax breaks and all the rest of this. And so you end up with this like patchwork of logos at the front of every movie that makes it look like the old like electors of the Holy Roman Empire. It's cute. And actually, I may as well put this at the start. I was going to put this at the end, but I learned something quite interesting about the finances of this series. Oh boy. Yeah, yeah.

Which is that the first Diabolic film lost five million euros. Uh huh. Okay. The second Diabolic film lost six million euros. This film also lost six million euros. They have consistently just lost millions and millions and millions of euros. It's a lost leader.

They'll like the diabolics down the line, all right? We've got to establish the brand. I like to decouple artistic endeavor from the sort of profit seeking motive. I do, yeah. I think this might be the first series of heist movies that are themselves a heist. Are you suggesting that between the like five billion different Italian cultural funds making this movie and the fact that no one likes them, we are entering into a province that you might call criminal tax evasion?

Because if you are, I think that would be a suggestion only you were making. These are the views of Abigail Thorne, not of November Kelly. I don't even think it's criminal. I think somebody is just willing to spend millions of euros on films that don't make money. I've made a note here which is just like, how do I get a job in the Italian film industry? Speak Italian? Yeah, I'm gonna have to learn.

I think like, also my like, so Dracula's ex-girlfriend and the prince both made profit before we even started making them and this is like a very significant thing. Like the fact that my early creative endearments have been profitable is a big deal. But apparently I'm in the wrong fucking game. You don't have to be. You just fucking blow 6 million euros up the fucking wall making Italy look cool and you're fine. It's the Italians.

They water down the fucking olive oil. Who knows what they're doing to the diabolic films. This thing is mostly vegetable oil by the way. I was wondering why Ava Cant looked so much like a giant 55 gallon drum of vegetable oil with a blonde wig in so many of them. She looked so wet the whole time. Yeah. No, I think this is the move, right?

We all have to move to somewhere that's still smart enough to be in the EU and just soak up that funding. They fund the arts, whereas in this country what happens if you try and get artistic funding is it takes you six months and then they're racist towards you and give it to their friends. You gotta let me into that network of supply and demand. Oh, the borderless network of supply and demand. The real Europe is not a cafe on the Rue de Rivoli. The real Europe is di a cafe on the Ruda Rivoli. The real Europe is diabolic.

Who are you? Yes, that's right. The real Europe is that I can buy photographic supplies from a Slovenian guy. Thank you, sir. Thank you so much. We begin in the middle of the night in Clareville, our fictional city. Yes. Where a woman is locking up at night at a bank where she works.

She's talking to her colleague and she's like, oh, it's so cool that you have a husband. I'm just, I just suck. You know, I don't, I don't get dick at all. I sort of like don't matter. Yeah. I just kind of don't matter. It's a tragic life. I'm like, lonely woman, potential 009 spotted, reflexively don't get attached.

Yes, when you show me someone at the start of the movie, I'm like, I don't know. Yeah. And as she's leaving, she hears the cries of a woman in distress. And because of feminism, she goes to investigate and help. There's some good creepy camera work here. She's being followed. I like the way this is done. And this sort of like instinct towards solidarity is ruthlessly exploited by means of something that will come to find is a classic in this kind of heist genre, the like...

Left 4 Dead witch moment. True. Yeah, she finds this woman who is Eva in a bloodstained wedding dress looking very creepy. That's not the part that's going to be a recurring theme. Like Banquo's ghost. It looking very creepy. That's not the part that's going to be a recurring theme. Like Banquo's ghost. It's very spooky. What is going to be the recurring theme is she is knocked unconscious by the application of like a serviette lightly pressed over her mouth.

Yeah. Little known fact about women is that if you press that on the back of her head, they take a screenshot and fall unconscious. That is true. I've done this. I have taken screenshots in my life and also other kinds of shots. That is true. I've done this. I have taken screenshots in my life. And also other kinds of shots. Relatedly. When she awakens, she's wearing a stylish nightie and a new pair of glasses? It's quite thoughtful that they changed their clothes, which is creepy to do to someone who's unconscious, but also gave her a nice pair of glasses with it.

Yeah, I don't know. It's really funny to try and thread the needle of like, well, obviously this is a huge violation of consent, but I would love to have a personal shopper. So, in a way. This is fun. So this is a little bit like how the sausage is made, right? We see that this woman is being groomed to be a disguise for Ava, right? And that she's like been kidnapped. She wakes up like tied to a bed, gets injected with a truth serum and then just asked basic questions about her life. Just, I don't know, I like a little bit that they're showing, you know,

behind the scenes of the diabolical. It's very much like what they do at the NHS gender identity clinics. Oh, absolutely. If the NHS gender identity clinic had a woman this hot inject me with stuff, I'd be changing my gender once a week. Yeah, yeah, it's gone back again. I don't know.

It's the metronome. One thing about this as well is, I've been pushing this thing that I've been calling adverse conditions movie club because I keep watching movies in adverse conditions and the conditions in this one significantly more adverse because the bad pronouns are back much like going to the gender identity clinic. Yeah the subtitles are not good. The subtitles are the most machine translated thing I've read in a while. Yes, they are pretty obviously just one to one.

Yeah, and again, it's like because this movie is worse made than the first one, which had the same issue, this borders on incomprehensible at times. I don't know, I find it fine. After a while I just sort of like filtered it out and just soft focus and I follow up. That's what I, yeah, 100%. You learned Italian for this. I just got cues from the actors, you know, I looked at people's facial expressions and intentions. I don't know how to do that. Really, really, I should have learned at some point before becoming a film critic.

But yeah, so. Next we get a sort of classic of the robbery genre, which we're going to have to come up with a snappy name for. We get a, it's like a fast motion, rewind-y, explain-y, dewy montage? I think of this as the hustle flash forward, flash back. Yeah, like things are being rewound, things are done in fast motion, and then the voiceover's like, we'll do this! We get like split screens, it's like they're doing the heist. In this case, it's a sort of rarer subspepecies where it's the hypothetical flash forward of, Yeah, really nice.

This is the plan. Here's what it looks like when it comes off without a hitch. And what it looks like when it comes off without a hitch is the aged Duchess or whatever with her collection of coins in a safety deposit box, which was set up in the last movie, I should say, which I appreciate, is met by this bank manager, who we know has been kidnapped and replaced by Ava, ushered into a locked room where Diabolic uses his sick Jaguar E-type to pull the bars off the walls of the outside of the... pull the bars off the window from the outside.

Ava just takes the coins, climbs out the window, jobs are good. The shot of Diabolic pushing the pedal in the car to accelerate is so funny, because he's got these felt ass cars and I really thought it was Eva. For a good couple of seconds. He's got these very sensible flats on as well. It's the kind of like 60s Italy unisex Chelsea boot. Everyone was wearing a heeled black leather Chelsea boot back in the day.

But they are shooting this excitingly. Like the fact that I can even pull from this is that they when when he starts driving, they have a shot of him pushing the pedal down. Like they're shooting this very fun. They're having a good time with it. Yeah. The car chase through the park from the police is really good. We got a really good song. The police are opening. Yeah, I liked it.

It's well shot. We don't like this is I genuinely wrote shot. No, we don't. Like, this is... Yeah, we do. I genuinely wrote down, did they get worse at making films? Like, to me, this was lackluster compared to even the last one. No, we've seen much worse car chases than this. I mean, we've seen worse car chases than this in Bond. Remember Quantum of Solace? I couldn't see a fucking thing.

And he does have... He has a cute little gadget, like in the first one where like the fucking car races up. This is the stupidest one yet. It almost wins me back with this one. Exactly. What we do with this is we have this like, because the other two did an okay job of being like this is not Italy in the 60s, right?

Whereas here it's so clearly park in the 2020s. Yeah. Yes. As they drive through, it's not even charming in the way that this next bit is. As they drive through it, we get the obstacle in the chase, which is a crash zoom into a bollard, which I really like. We appreciate a bollard here. And Diabolic negotiates this by pressing the button that jacks the entire car upwards.

It's got like extendy wheels, it goes whoop! It's like fucking Inspector Gadget shit, it just goes up over the bollard and they cross a little pedestrian bridge and I'm like, that's kind of twee. It doesn't look good, like you can quite clearly tell when they extend their wheels or extend it that the thing that is on top of them is not an E-type jag, you would see people in it. It's just a shell of a jag that looks like a jag, but it does look, I'm like willing to give it a pass. I'm like, that's so charming. It is a little charming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did like this one. And of course all the

cops stop at this bollard and like, you know, throw their hats on the ground and they're like, oh, you fucking got us again, Diabolic. This is whatever the opposite of bellissimo is. Yeah, fuck, malissima. Malissima. Another thing I notice about this, Diabolic hasn't killed anyone. Second movie, and indeed first movie, he is like throwing a knife directly into someone's spine this one the most violence they have used is against a window frame and

Eva has like just picked up the loot and they've just walked off with it where we're softening the edges of this diabolic here a little bit yeah we are this will become important later on. Yeah, in a second. So now having done the opening titles, we then rewind and we see the heist as it actually plays out. And as this is being set up inside, there are some mysterious goons who rock up disguised as plumbers. I love the mysterious... Just the one disguised as a plumber, actually, because one of them gets out of the van and he's got the mustache. Plumber actually because one of them gets out of the van and he's got the mustache, he's got the like Plumber's cat, although it's blue, which briefly made me hallucinate the existence of a third Mario brother.

He does. Sort of a gluey figure. Mario Luigi and Giuseppe, who's a bank robber and is not really a Plumber. Yeah, they're ashamed of Giuseppe. Giuseppe has been cut guys remember Giuseppe? Giuseppe has been cut from like every Nintendo property because of his history of violent larceny. So Giuseppe enters the bank under the pretense of being a plumber, which also leads me to

ask are Italians aware of like, I know he's like an international property, do Italians find the concept of a plumber funny now that there is Mario? Do Italians like call the plumber and be like, lol, like Mario? Do they know about Mario? Do they know? Do you want to do some like double jumps right now?

In Italy, is Mario meant to be Italian? Or is it like anime when they, whenever they talk about learning English, and it's dubbed, they talk about learning French. That would be fucked. That would be fucked if Mario in Italy wasn't Italian. Do the Italians think that Mario is like Swedish or something? Italian Mario is French. Oh my god. That would be sick. That would be disgusting.

They've got Felipe. I would honestly be so angry at Nintendo were that the case. Super Felipe 64. It's just Portuguese in this one. I love it to play a Philippe on my iPad. 64. C'est moi Philippe! We go down this route because there's a pretty thin rule, right?

Like he fucking... They rock the place. They rock the place. They do old he fucking... They rob the place. It sure is. They do old school crime. They rob the place. This is cute. Like it's not that he gets, it's not that Diabolic gets caught or anything by Ginkgo or anything or the cops do anything.

Like a different robbery just happens to the same bank at the same time and it fucks them up. And it's old school robbery. It's crime classic. They don't use a gas or masks. They just come in with guns. Yeah. Diabolic and Avra like fucking 10, 10 layers deep, like three disguises

nested on top of each other. And then Giuseppe just comes in with a gun. It's like, I'd like the money. Yeah. I've got this, I've got this cool gadget. It's called a nine millimeter sub machine gun. It's got really... It's called the gun that kills you instantly.

It looks like an ordinary metal tube, but if I squeeze here... Diabolica never do that because that's the only way they could come. These guys are in it for the crime. That's true. That is true. You guys want money. How swingers look when real criminals come at them. For real though.

And these guys who are from a slightly different genre of crime movie just execute this countess or duchess or whatever like the Bolsheviks. They just open up on this unarmed old woman who's like, I'm not giving you my coins. And they just go, okay, light her up. We get a couple of things that we need to set up for future bankheists, of which there are going to be many. Right.

One is that there is, I'm going to have to explain this as a kind of theory of heist crews very, very soon, but they have what I'm going to call a wain-grow, right? And this is the same type of guy as I think it's Mr. Blue in the Take Your Pen on 123, the one guy who just is slightly unstable and like fucks things up for the rest of them. And so that guy distracts the rest of them by, in another classic of the wayne-groh, sort of wayne-groh moment,

by sexually harassing the hot bank teller. And as the others are like, hey, no, stop that, you know? We're here for crime, but not that kind of crime. The manager decides to be a hero and like crawl for the silent Alarm and he also gets gets shot. Yeah, but he does make it to the alarm Waynegrove shit Waynegrove. I'm calling this guy sideburns every heist crew of a certain number This is Waynegrove's law every high screw of a certain number must include a destabilizing, like, anti-social figure or else.

It's just, you know. He's like, you know, he's Joker mode. He just, he's in it for the killing. Like, he loves it. Well, no, because Joker mode would be, as in The Dark Knight, right, being the kind of sigma of your heist crew and, like, playing them off against each other. Whereas Wayne Grow, Wayne Growgrow is something different I think. Waingrow is something that like is antithetical to the interests of the heist and is often like kind of

personally depraved right? It's why Waingrow and Heat is a like has the Nazi tattoos and stuff. All the rest of this. But anyway so. We get a second car chase in like the first 10 minutes which is really nice. Yeah. As the robbers get away with the cops shooting at them. This this this But anyway, so... We get a second car chase in like the first 10 minutes, which is really nice. Yeah. As the robbers get away, the cops are shooting at them. This should be cool, right? You're on some real, like, polizio-tesci shit.

You're like, they shoot a couple of cops. This is like... It's like a worse version of Heath, actually. Yeah. Cold. Nothing. It's warm. Fucking... Yeah, it's okay. Not to be mean, but you can really tell that they didn't have like actual guns.

They're holding them so weird. Airsoft Heat, there's two, well, because in Heat they had actual guns and they killed like 50 LAPD officers to make that. Yeah, it was good that they did that. The thing about the subtitles really comes into play here because as the guys are leaving with the loot, they say like, via, via, via, like, go, go, go, which the subtitles translate as road, road, road. And then as they do, they run into a cop who yells stop, which the subtitles hit as immobile. And that one-two punch was just... Meanwhile, I'm leaning back like madman in the cinema,

I'm like, damn, I fucking love movies. Not everything needs a reaction. Adverse conditions, baby. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes the... What's that fucking Brian Eno quote about how the thing that you... The limitation of the form is the thing that people will remember it for. Right? Like, like, take player hits. People will remember, diabolic, who are you, if they do,

for shitty English subtitles. Oh, in the same way that people remember Skyrim for the jankiness. Yeah. Right. I don't. I remember the Skyrim that exists in my head, which is 100% photorealistic and like perfect. That's oblivion in mind. So, they have a car chase.

One of the robbers is shot in the course of fleeing the bank. Another classic. They're shooting back out of the window and one of them has the weirdest way of holding a gun I've ever seen. Double overhand grip on a gun. I've never seen anything like it. Not very intuitive. Holding it like a T-Rex.

He's trying to shoot left-handed, but it's like, just shoot left-handed, bro. What are you doing? Yeah. And they managed to get away by shooting at a school bus full of kids and then also a very sexy teacher. And we see that Jinko is called in and is visibly pissed off about having to do non-nemesis police work. Yeah. But he does also, he's like these guys are like the new kind of depravity the subtitles render this as you know they match the description same body type and same hardness they dick print you when you get arrested in Clairville. Oh, no. It's like joining UCB comedy.

But they're the new guy in the terrorizing town. But we've caught one of them. He's in hospital. He's in a coma. He can't talk because he's been shot. But they have a photograph of him. And then we get a really fun montage of Palmer, Jinko's assistant. This is really fun. I found it really fun, yeah. It's cute. They go around the town

and they show the picture to a bunch of people and they're all like, never seen this guy before. I thought this was a sort of a plot by the Emilia Romagna cultural fund to show how many extras they have in Italy that can't do a convincing shakes head no, I don't recognize this guy. I thought all the extras were fine. And this, there's a cute bit where they have a... I had a really nice time with this. They have a cute gang of like street tough kids who like never seen Jack and then one of them like spits at the

officer. It's cute. I don't, I don't. Yeah, that's what I mean. Cause like they show the photo to various CD characters to like find this guy and it would have been really easy to just be like, take this guy's photo, go and show it and then just like have some like dialogue scene and then the next scene someone comes back in and go, we found him he was somewhere and like but to take the time to be like We're showing him to all the different like various criminal underbellies in Claireville. Mm-hmm. I don't know. I found it very sweet There's a sort of general refusal to hand wave in this movie that I like a lot the soundtracks having fun

There's like a real like there's a cool like funky bass and jazz flute during this I couldn't disagree more with that part part I think the soundtrack in this one is both worse and a lot more obtrusive I think conceptually you're right I think this could have been I don't know anymore like I yeah no I just one thing I should say about this too is that all of the legwork is being done by by Jinkos to two guys one of whom is Palmer, the other is I don't remember his name, he was in the first one. The two mustache brothers, essentially.

Yes. Palmer is the one doing all the legwork of you've seen this guy, you've seen this guy. And finally, at the end of like long, this long montage, he like gets someone who says that he recognizes him. Then we get a classic almost like man man from Uncle Ishbeard, like, oh, we found this guy we've identified, a Malooka, and he has a 10 out of 10 smoke show wife. Oh!

My notes here say, woof? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They often do. Mm, true. And they interrogate her, she claims not to know anything, and Jinko's like, bullshit. Mm-hmm. But then Jinko goes home to his house, which is made entirely of wood, it seems. Like he's the second of the three little pigs.

Yeah, he goes back to his sauna living room, and again, the soundtrack is like, really quite loud at this point. It's back to the like, early, early Bond thing of like, Bond searching hotel rooms to like, de-da, de-da. Jinko gets in and immediately starts drinking. Doesn't even take his shoes off. This is a problem, you know? Like, staging a Jinkovention.

He gets a phone call from Monica Bellucci who's like, hello, I was your girlfriend in the second film. I'm in this movie and like, oh wow. She's significantly hotter in this one, and I'm not sure I can articulate why. I don't know what's going on inside my brain at the moment, or indeed ever. She says the countess from the early, from the start of the film.

Well, you still think Monica Bellucci is hot, so you can't be that bad. But I think they did her wrong in the second movie, and in this one she's back to being as hot as Monica Bellucci is, is my point. She says that the Duchess from the opening montage was my friend, because duchesses are like trans women online, we know each other. I'm going to be at the funeral, and like, let's shag while I'm in town. And Jinka's like, oh, this gang, they're even worse than Diabolic. And I was like, you can't say that.

It's the only way he could justify going after him. These guys are like four Diabolics. It's sort of like twin interventions, right? that it's the only way he could justify going after him yeah these guys are like for diabolics it's sort of like twin interventions right it's like do you often feel yourself needing a drink do you often find yourself having to relate things to diabolic in order to do them jinko doing like inbox zero shit he's like i've got to brush my teeth so that my dental hygiene doesn't distract me in the fight against diabolic look Look, if you think Diabolic would be proud of you for brushing your teeth. Diabolic would brush his teeth, he's very prepared.

I've got to get my car taken in to get MOT'd because if it fucks up at a critical moment I might miss Diabolic. This is actually quite a healthy way to fresque your life now. I'm not sure that it is. I think that borders on thinking that you're being gang stalked, you know? Yes, but in this case, it's more that he's gang stalking. Yeah. Uh huh.

Meanwhile, Diabolic and Ava are having breakfast, and they notice the fact that they're still holding the bank teller from the opening prisoner. Like, what are we gonna do? Diabolic's like, we're gonna have to kill her. And Ava's like, nah, let's let her go. He's like, fine, whatever we're gonna have to kill her. And Eva's like, nah, let's let her go. He's like, fine, whatever. I just wanted to kill her. Aw.

Yeah, because we're softening Diabolik, because Eva is having this effect on him. And in fairness, she does make the point, because Diabolik's initial thing is, well, she's seen our faces for no reason other than they've decided to show them to her. But she's seen our faces, so we have to we have to kill her because she can identify us. And Eva sort of like says, well, everybody has already identified us. Like, yeah, your number one enemy knows your face already. Just let it go. And he's like, fine. Which they do, which they do off screen, by the way.

You know, she knows she does it. We never see this woman again. For we know, Diabolikik has dumped her in a ditch. Yeah. They see in the newspaper that Luca's wife is a person of interest in the investigation. And Diabolik is like, I bet she knows more than she's telling. If we follow her, we'll be able to steal all the loot that this gang has stolen. And the coins they took from us. It's a bit contrived, but I like this kind of robbing the robbers set up.

Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. The subtitles here are quite fun. They're really bad, yeah. They say, she lives in a notorious alley opposite a hotel for illegal couples. Yeah, illegal is glossing clandestino. Like a secret meeting place for couples. You know, like a love hotel.

Like a, you know. I said, well, let's book a room. Let's book a room. Let's book a room. Wes Anderson asked. We'll book a room in this hotel for illegal couples and we'll stake it out. There's this really funny bit where Italians will be like, this is a dangerous and sordid back alley.

It's a hive of scum and villainy. It's the worst place in the city. And then show you the most delightful little street ever. Yeah, right. It's a little Vespa going down. It's like got cobblestones. And you're like, this seems pretty nice to me. There is an element here that I really like,

which is that they've brought back a little bit of chemistry between these two actors. He's like, well, why don't brought back a little bit of chemistry between these two actors. He's like, well, why don't we book a hotel room? And he kisses her hand. And like, it's a little bit suggestive. When they get the room opposite Elisa, it's the wife's name's house. Abe was like, well, we're probably going to be here a while in this hotel for illegal couples. Why don't we have some illegal coupling?

It's implied that they shag. And I'm like, good, I'm glad that they brought that back. I believe that they're a couple, which was like a nice part of it. Yeah, 100%. One thing that frustrates me about this movie is that they do... The disguise thing, right? The latex mask. They're both in disguise in order to get this like illegal hotel room. And then they always take the mask off before doing anything,

so you know, it's them Yeah, it's a shame because like the earlier like last movie the guy who played the hotel guy got to spend a long No, it was the first one. He got to spend a long time playing Diabolos The hotel guy the first one the cop in the second one like it was it was a good idea And I don't know if it's just like a screen time thing also Just into personally if you have The like possibility to make latex masks of anyone and you're on some European couple freak shit You're telling me you're not fucking in the mask Of course you're fucking in the mask

Who shall we be today? I mean not least because disguise Eva in this one clears real Eva in my opinion. There's something wrong with your brain. This is Miss Italy. I'm skipping through to have a look at this now. Why are my co-hosts asking me to draw a clock? Again, she's officially one of the most 190 beautiful women in the world. All women are one of the most 100 beautiful women. The girl reading this.

Yeah, exactly. Also, there's a fun thing, which is that the cops are in the room directly above them, also seeking out the flat! I love this joke. And it's two, like, male cops, which implies something about the illegal couples, maybe. And the thing is, right, that's a really fun visual joke that they're in the room above, also like a couple sort of spying on them, except for the fact that the subtitles fuck up in this moment. And so one of the cops, the line is like,

I'll go and get something to eat and then I'll like, you know, switch out with you. I'll relieve you from your job at like, you know, standing at the window with a pair of binoculars. What the subtitles give is, I'm going to go and have something to eat and then I'll change you. And... Yeah. That's smart.

If you're on a long stakeout, you'd die pop and then you don't have to stop watching. This is very smart stuff. Horrifying. And then it scrolls up to the hotel room above and dive on it's also in a diaper. Lends a retrospective horror to all of the surveillance stuff in like the Bourne movies where you're like, all of these guys have to be like watching street corners all day. Where do they piss? The answer, diapers all the time.

Yeah, spycraft. Yeah. Diapers. Any foot chase in the Bourne series should just mostly be like audible crinkling Be aware that he's wearing diapers throughout all of the Bourne series. That's gross as hell not to kink shame anyone Look at us look at what they make Maybe you're here to change me Maybe you're here to change me. This is vile.

Okay, all right. Okay, so Elisa leaves the house after Luca, her husband, dies in hospital. My notes here say she's morghing Ava's fits, Ava sells seething, morgues by Elisa Chad. I think this website that you're on is damaging your brain. You're the one who just brought up dives. Blush pink, overcoat, pink dress, white gloves. Okay.

So she goes and she goes to see a lawyer. Yes. Now this guy's name, because Palmer, Palmer like finds this out from following the cops do. Diabolic knows the cops know. And Palmer is like, oh yeah, this guy's name is, is Diego. Diego Mandem. So, Diego Mandem. So, Diego Mandem.

Diego Mandem. I called him Italian Brian Cranston in my notes. I called him Italian Weird Al. I don't know, but I actually referred to him directly at any point. He looks like the guy who used to be in We Are Scientists, if he had Weird Al's hair. He does a little, yeah. And also got hit with like a Havana syndrome beam

that really fucked him up. He's not doing great, is the thing. So, Elisa meets him and she's like, I want my husband's share of the money. And we learn that nobody has touched any of what the gang has stolen. It's all locked up in the lawyers' is the thing. Um, so, Elisa meets him and she's like, I want my husband's share of the money. And we learn that nobody has touched any of what the gang has stolen. It's all locked up in the lawyers' safe. This is their tactic.

This is how they've evaded detection is they just sit on the money until like the heat dies down, which no one's ever thought of before. And like, but she's like, well, I got into this, I let my husband get into this robbery stuff so I wouldn't have to have a job. But she's like, well, I got into this, I let my husband get into this robbery stuff, so I wouldn't have to have a job. I don't want to work, Queen. And the lawyer is like, well, I'm not paying you, get a job. Republican bankrupt.

And Jinko, Jinko's like, well, these guys are so tough and so bad, I'm going to have to break the rules in order to catch them. Illegally. Do a B&E, do a black bag job, break into Diego Mandem's house and like find evidence. And because this isn't a sanctioned operation, he can't have any of the other cops with him. So he sends Palmer, because this lawyer, right, he's a sap because he's in love with a stripper. And so he goes, who is not reciprocating. So he goes to a strip club every night and like, tries to romance her and she's like,

oh, you're so funny or whatever. And like takes all his money. So Palmer has to follow him to this strip club and keep him there as long as possible, which I thought was going to go in a very different direction, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I've never been in a strip club, but this is the fanciest strip club that I've ever seen depicted.

The stripping appears to bear no relation to the music, which is quite like sort of piano bar. Yeah. Yeah. This looks like a bordello. It's like red, it's like, it's beautiful. It's like a beautiful cocktail bar. They applaud the strippers. We get full titties and pussy. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah full bush

We're getting in this movie. This movie did not deserve full frontal to be honest. Yeah for real and also Let me see your hog then now. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're gonna I'm just give me some equality. That's all I want What does Jinko's dick look like? We are asking this. What does Jinko's are asking this. They should have been naked when they were in that. Is it fucked up? Does it have like a curve in it? Like what's going on? No, I think it's normal. I don't think a man with a normal dick can become zenegatified, I'll be honest. I think the- And Paul Monica Bellucci. The weirdness of dick. Yeah, now he's got Paul and Monica. The weirdness of Dick is an essential component. It's like, you know, like penis size for comedy. It has to be just short enough to be people's joker joke. But yeah, no, anyway.

Okay. So Jinko and Diabolic are both going to search the Lawyer's Mansion at the same time. Yeah, that's rocks. Get some cool sneaky music. Again, jazz flutes, just like... It sounds like a porno. The thing I do like is that they have different methods of climbing over the gate, according to their characters. Jinko just climbs the gate and Diabolic hops the fence.

Very athletic. Yeah. It's cool. The one bit that I didn't particularly believe is that Diabolic gets Uncle Chopped. And I'm like, this guy's meant to be like fucking Batman. You can't Uncle Chop chop Diabolik. How do you uncle chop the Diabolik in the back and what do you do if you miss? He drops his flashlight and it like illuminates the legs of all of the four criminals and

they're just stood in the dark talking about him. This wasn't a good shot. This shot sucked. I thought my player had frozen for a solid minute. It was... Are you okay? I think the movie is... It's not good, but it's not this bad. I'm not saying it's awful.

I'm just... I don't know. I think this is... It was inventive. It was sinister. It was intriguing. I thought this was a nice choice. Yeah.

Okay. Mainly I'm surprised because I want to get much worse on this movie later on and I feel like there's not even room to get harsher. Okay. This, mainly I'm surprised because I want to get much worse on this movie later on and I feel like there's not even room to get harsher. I felt like they were trying harder with this one, with like more limited budget and locations, but like, yeah, well the obvious choice here would have just been to have like, shoot the actor's faces, shot reverse shot. It's quite nice that they just have the sinister legs of these four criminals as Diabolic and Jinko are standing, you know, like... They're making choices at the very least.

That's true, but... That's the most... Yeah. So are we all. But we get a reverse shot and it's both Jinko and Diabolic lying completely dead on the floor. The guy who has Uncle Chopped them is a guy I will be calling Italian Wolverine, because he's got the big sideburns.

And he's the Wain grow that we saw earlier. He's the like hot headed temperamental one who's like, ah, we should shoot these guys right now. Which he is right. Like, objectively. No one else knows they're there, aside from Eva, I guess. But instead, they're like, no, no, no, we have to wait for the lawyer to get back and then, you know, the most hesitating man in Clairville to get home, and then he'll, then we'll figure out what to do. Yeah. Meanwhile, tie them up in the basement.

When the lawyer does come home, the gang want to cash out. And the lawyer's like, oh, well, we got to be careful because Palmer followed me here. He's like following, he's like skulking around outside. And so they ambush Palmer and they get him at gunpoint. And he has like a very slow reaction to this. It's funny. And they take him down to the basement as well. And Italian Wolverine is like told to kill him.

And kind of... Yeah. Palmer gets to like a really heroic couple of scenes where he refuses to say anything. And meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Jinko and Diabolic wake up, change to opposite walls in this cell, which this guy has with Jace. Common, common European feature of a basement. Basement, yeah. He's Frizzle-moding.

He's planning to Friitzelmode a family someday well no yeah exactly it's from the last guy's fritzel family you know um but it's still there i'm looking to start a family so i've built this basement look if you don't want a second family you can put like one of your twin sons in there you know european lezing agents will be like, it is a three bedroom, it is, and then the third bedroom is the Fritzl basement. You're never putting more than a single bed in there. They make fun of Palmer and then they dome him off. They what?

They do, they fucking dome my boy off. Italian Wolverine dome him off, like he's putting his gun against his head, like against the side of his head, this is very important, he's kneeling in front of the boss Italian Wolverine is putting his gun against the side of this guy's head smart and then he walks around to the back yeah puts it against the back of his head and I'm like you're gonna hit your boss man you can shoot your boss's dick off he mock executes him a couple of times from the side and then he walks around to the back and it does look like he's gonna shoot his boss in the dick yeah yes yes and they fucking kill my boy yeah they do they compromise him to a permanent And then he walks around to the back and it does look like he's gonna shoot his boss in the dick. Yeah. Yes. Yes

Kill my boy. Yeah, they do they compromise him to a permanent end because because palm is like body under a bridge Yeah, Jinko Jinko tries to save him. He's like shouting through the door. He doesn't know anything, you know, dude Shoot me instead or whatever. Yeah, because I can spectra Jinko is an honor to work for you. Kapow Tragic, you know, immediately choral music hits. The emotional intimacy of like, yeah, my dying moments. I'm thinking of my boss and how cool he is. That's, that's, you know, leadership, I guess. And the gang debate, well, should we just dome off Jinko and Diabolic now? Yeah.

Well, no, because what if, what if we get Diabolic to lead us to his stash? That's their reason for keeping our lives. It's been at least like a day and a half at this point within the sort of context of the movie, because the lawyer has to go and go to court and come back. And by the way, this whole time, Jinko and Diabolic have done nothing but sit there and smolder at each other. They haven't even said anything. I mean, at least, you know, Jinko's presumably like, dived up in this moment, so he's fine. But like, 14 hours or whatever in like, the Fritzl basement, probably not great for anyone.

Yes. Meanwhile, the girls, Monica Bellucci and Avava both realized that their guys never came home last night Mm-hmm nothing of Palmer's family who you know presumably left waiting It is reasonable by the way for Monica Bellucci to assume that Jinko and Palmer have eloped when she calls in and they're like, oh, yeah, we haven't seen either of these two guys Specifically, but yes, RIP Palmer. You got to see a weird strip tease before you died. Yeah. You did.

Jinko and Diabolik finally start talking. And Diabolik's like, well, your judge was, your father was a corrupt judge who died in prison. Is that why you're so dedicated to following the rules? You fucking square? It's really funny how quickly they get that one out of the way. Jinko's origin story is not of great import. Doesn't matter. Like Diabolics. Jinko, who are you?

No, Diabolics gets like a full black and white movie within a movie. It's like it's like 40 minutes solidly. Whereas Jinko is just like, oh, you fucking got daddy issues, have you? You cunt. Yeah. And Jinko's like, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Well, since we're about to die, you tell me, Diabolic, who are you?

And then we get his little backstory, which is fucking ludicrous, but I love it. It's an insane backstory. Stylish black and white Casino Royale style. It's very comic book-y. Like, I really like the backstory. I forgot to take any notes about that. The black and white Italian stuff actually made me think of the Netflix talented Mr. Ripley.

It's like a sort of worse shot version of that in some ways. Yeah, so he has the Jason Bourne origin story, but for crime, essentially. He was raised by thieves. Well, so there was a storm at sea and a shipwreck, and then a baby in a lifeboat was the only survivor who was found by an international gang of criminals and raised on Spectre Island. Which is a fun bit! Like, that's a compelling thing. It's also like, I guess textually, in the universe, this might be diabolic, just making shit up. Yeah, hard to know.

It's not great that the first, like, people of color in the series with, like, lines are the sort of international brotherhood of thieves, right? Yes. But they are here! True. But they are. There are people of color, they do have lines, and they do have names, finally, in 2023. Yes. We they are. There are people who come out, they do have lines and they do have names finally in 2023. Yes. We did it. We did it. We just invented that somewhere between 2022 and 2023. I'm very impressed by it. It's gonna be good stuff.

There is a certain measure of hypocrisy here for me in that I, me watching Porco Rosso. Oh man, I love Italian pirates who exist in the Mediterranean sort of living, living by their wits and it's not really very historical. Me watching this, oh, this shit sucks. It's totally implausible. Oh, I like this. So he's raised on Spectre Island. They never give him a name. And he learns like swimming and climbing. He gets in really good shape. He learns all the languages of the world on the island. He learns a bunch of like criminal science, not in the sense of criminology from like various professors. There's like Professor Wolf, who is definitely not a Nazi. There's

like another one. There's Chen Fu, the guy who teaches him poisons, who does have the like fucked up wispy facial hair as well. Just to really hammer that one. He learns about how to build car gadgets. The test that they do to test... So his car gadget professor has this device which suddenly stops the car. It's like two big spikes that come down behind the car and stop it suddenly. And they test this by driving at a wall of spikes. And I'm like, you could have tested that with like a tape measure You didn't need to risk your life for this but okay. Mm-hmm. Great. Whatever. They need to show but not only is Diabolic

You know, he's he's cool as well. Yeah Yeah And it's it's run this whole organization is run by Italian Blofeld Yes, who has a huge villa on the island, and like, he's hardly ever there, and he's very mysterious. And one day when Diabolic was 20 years old, and already had a vicious widow's peak, and he is summoned to meet Italian Blofeld,

who was revealed to be David Baddiel. BOTH LAUGH Yes. This guy looks like David Baddiel, which made me laugh out loud. Hang on, I'm skipping. He does. He does kind of. And this guy's like, yeah, I'm the king of crime.

Yeah. Yeah. I will take you under my wing because in the course of learning crime science, you have invented the diabolic masks. Right. The really thin latex masks. crime science, you have invented the diabolic masks, right? The really thin latex masks. He gets him to demonstrate this to him, right, with one of the masks, and it fully hits the, I think you should leave, I got too much shit on me effect.

Like it is- It's like Gordon Ramsay's bad disguise. He's like, brrr. It's like an inch thick rubber mask. But he's getting better at it. So he's like, David Badd He's like, brrr. It's like strike. It's like an inch thick rubber mask. But he's getting better at it. So he's like, David Baddiel is like, keep trying, you know, these will be useful to me. Meanwhile, back in, back in present day,

Monica Bellucci, like, figures out that where he is, where they're being held captive, she like climbs over the fence and she spies on them where, again, the most indecisive gangsters in the world are having another fucking meeting. It's worse than a socialist organization, these guys. Hamlet gangsters. Yeah, motion to form a subcommittee to investigate maybe killing these guys. And loudly mentioning that they're in the basement.

And she goes on, she goes to the funeral of the Countess from the opening and she's interviewed on television in an incredible hat. Yes. Yes. Beautiful. Beautiful funeral outfit. And she says, last time I was in Clairville, I met a makeup artist who is the best makeup artist in town.

I would like to meet that person again. Picking up from the second movie. I will be here at the chapel until that person arrives. It's cute. And it also means that we get a return of the makeup artist fit, which is also really good. I'm like short like Bob. Yeah.

And they meet and they propose, what if we had a team up? Girls night. What if we had a team up? Girls night! What if we had a fucking girls night? So Eva drives her to the Batcave, making her wear a leopard print blindfold. I would hate that. Just average girls night activities.

They do some planning and some diabolic heist prep together, wearing matching turtlenecks, which is very cute. Yes, very cute. Meanwhile, the flashback continues. So... The king of crime, one thing we didn't mention, right, is he... When he takes Diabolica under his wing, it's in this scene, because you know, the thing is paid off, and the latex masks work. He's like, right, I'm gonna show you my treasures and so yeah, these are my room This is my room full of treasures. These are shit tier treasures now

I'm gonna take you to the right room with the real treasure check check out these treasures look good, huh? No wrong idiot. This was my this is my distracting antechamber full of kinder treasures Yeah, so he takes him to a room with an enormous stuffed panther in it. Yeah. Yes. And he's like, I like to come down here and contemplate this occasionally for self-care. This is my panther gazing room. And the panther is named Diabolic.

And he's like, I hunted this panther the like you know this island's deadliest natural predator he you know he's he was incredibly dangerous and wily and he's hyping up this fucking panther and the whole time Diabolic is standing there with a widow's peak being like damn that's what a fursona is yeah yeah he's like I killed he's like I killed this panther with my bare hands when I first came to the island. The panther was anti-Semitic, so I killed him. Yeah. And I hate, he supported Jeremy Corbyn.

So I killed him with my bare hands and underneath the panther, the panther plinth is a secret submarine cave. All this could be yours if you give me the formula for the masks. The unknowable is like, hmm, maybe. But then he overhears David Baddiel planning to kill him, and he's like, oh no. And so he, in a proto-diabolic outfit, later that night, sneaks into the Batho sub cave from beneath. Prepare my Batho sub immediately. It emerges from... The Panther sub.

The Panther sub, yes! It emerges from beneath the Panther, and waits until the guy comes into his panther gazing room for self care. He says he does it often so I guess he's like I'll just wait. Fucking hitman target with like a loop, you know? And he stabs him, he chefs him up with the diabolic move. He's charging the death! We get the really hacky thing of a red blood and a black and white film and the blood is really poorly done. Very comic book-y though.

Yeah. There was a red laser pointer earlier on that was much better done and I found that really nice but the blood in the scene is not too good. And then he does the TF2 spy thing, right? Yeah, cuz cuz David Baddiel was like you fool that'll never follow you and he's like, oh check this shit out though I've got a mask of your face. Bestie. I love your style. Let me just become you. Yeah I know none of the goons are gonna be like boss. Why do you suddenly have the body of a 20 year old? But whatever And he's like as he's standing there with the knife next to the Panther statue, he's like, you attacked me from behind, just like Diabolic.

Ew! Like, alright. Okay. Sometimes when you're dying, you're filled with the clarity that you have to give a guy a persona. Yeah. No, it happens. The icon over his body changes from talk to loot all.

He just randals. He's kind of flawless, Ruby. And Diabolic uses the latex mask, he steals all the shit out of the submarine, he leaves the island, and he says, and then I went solo. Yeah. And Jinka was like, it's a shame that you didn't become someone good and kind.

It's a shame that you just like, became a horrible criminal murderer. Sucks to suck, I guess. Jinkos, you could have been a different person. And Diabolic, philosophically, is like, I guess anybody could have been. Which, sure. I don't want to be a different person. I wanted to be the king of crime.

Yeah, no. I thought the Panther thing was cool as hell. I loved growing up on Crime Island. Meanwhile, upstairs, the Democratic Socialists of Clairville have finally nominated one of their number to actually kill these fuckers. Because the lawyer has come up with a plan, right? And he's like, so Diabolic has this cool knife, and Jinko has a gun. You shoot Diabolic, you stab Jinko, you dump the bodies together, they have died fighting each other, Reichenbach falls, and we're happily ever after.

Which is a plan, you know, it's fine. But then they give it to the dumbest one of them, Mr. Moustache. Yeah. Of course. Jinko, by the way, is like all in on this. He's like, yeah, I'm glad that when I die, Diabolic will die with me. The world would be a better place without you. Insanely hard line.

Really, really good. Listen to a guy's entire life story over the course of like three days and it's just like, yeah, I'm glad they're going to kill you. You're like, wow, what the fuck, man? Diabolic's like, we met once and that was when I spared your life. Maybe try being a little fucking nicer. Where have you put the energy into the universe? Alright, picture of Diabolik here captioned with you should be thinking of ways to be fucking nice to me.

So the mustache guy comes down into the cell with the gun and with the knife. And he's like, right, you're getting fucking shot. First of all, diabolic. Yeah, diabolic goes, your plan is fucked. Right. Because how are you going to say that I stabbed this guy if you don't shoot me point blank and and this guy goes, huh, that's an interesting point. I will get closer to you. Motherfucker, you throw knives at people famously, like across distance. That's all you do, yeah.

Does it not work if you throw it into the front? Also this is 1960s, like forensics hasn't been invented, it's just basically like guesswork and racism at this point. Yeah. It still is. Yeah. So he is lured closer and of course attacked by both of them I mean the thing is right until this moment they have done nothing. They haven't even like they're both tied up

They haven't even like struggled against their bonds. This is like an inverse solo doctrine of never be trying to escape Yeah, just wait keep waiting. They're enchants. Actually like the guidance They give to you if you if you're like taken hostage, right? Just just like wait and see what happens. I guess try to like, you know, find an inner reserve of strength Yes, but Diabolic obviously effortlessly chokes him out. Yeah And and so and so like they then go well, we sent this guy down to kill them But I still chained to the wall. We hasn't done something. Someone else go down for a second. I genuinely believed they were going to do the same bit again.

It would be really good. But the goons AI not great. You can just lure them into the same trap every time. But meanwhile, Ava and Monica Bellucci arrive in the Jaguar, which flips its bonnet up, which, if you know the E-type Jaguar, you know that its bonnet raises up, like, towards the front. And so then it starts emitting smoke and stuff, so the bad guys shoot it, but it's completely bulletproof.

And it releases a bunch of smoke. And one of them, like, very slowly walks around the Jaguar as a check who's in it, and it's empty. And then he gets hit with, you remember Eva's little dart gun thing that knocks you unconscious. She has got a thing in there with four barrels of those for when you're getting carjacked by Weezer? Yes.

Why do you really need to tranquilize all four members of Weezer. Simultaneous. Beverly Hills. Ew. Oh, fuck, okay. There's an audio play for you there. And scene. So one of them gets knocked out, then one by one they're all being picked off. And it seems like this...

One of them has had a quadruple dose, a wheezer sized dose of tranquilizer. I don't know if that guy is getting back up again. Yeah, fuck. No. And one by one they're all picked off, and it seems like Ava is in multiple locations at once, until only the lawyer is left,

who surrenders and realizes, there's two Avers. Oh shit. And then do we see what happens to him? He gets knocked unconscious also. Okay, cool. Ava enters the cell. Because she's doing fucking AGP self-sessed shit and like she's, Monica Bellucci is wearing

an Ava mask. Again, if you had the masks. I wouldn't fuck my rubber mask clone personally. But I would if I looked like Eva Kant, but I don't. So I wouldn't. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. So they free Jinko and Eva immediately like uses her last remaining like tranquilizers

to tranquilize Jinko and Monica Bellucci. Yeah. They clear out the safe and they drive away. They also return the black griff Griffin necklace from the second one. They're like, actually, I don't really think I want to be publicly associated with this. It seems like that might not be a good idea. Just a little bit risky at the moment. We distance ourselves from the black Griffin necklace.

Nothing's confirmed, but just... Diabolikus cuts ties with the Black Griffin necklace. Yeah, but just like quietly, just like behind the scenes and like not in a public way. Because it's like, well, there's like a thing that's confirmed. Yeah, you just won't notice them around anymore, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then we cut to the funeral for Palmer. Monica Bellucci not wearing her good funeral outfit.

No. She's not wearing the big hat to this one. She's like, it's only a dead cop. The other thing that's weird about this, I'm not sure about filming locations, but I genuinely think this might've been filmed in like a war cemetery. Like sort of uniformity of the headstones and the flags in the background suggest to me that this is like I'm not like Rainbolt in this I'm not like GeoGuessering being like but it feels like they shot this in a war cemetery which is a pretty profane use for one of those to like to make Diabolic 3 you know it's a police cemetery. Is that is is that a thing?

That's I don't know But if it is a thing I bet they would look like military Cemeteries because cops love to pretend to be troops. God Monica. Blue. She doesn't like shit in the scene It's so much weirder if it's a war cemetery and you're like, oh, these are a bunch of like, you know 19 1914 sort of like 19 year olds who he sent up a glass here to get like bombarded by Austro-Hungarian artillery fire. Yeah, but at least they could be part of something bigger.

Yeah, yeah. Diabolic 3. Diabolic 3, yeah. So it was all worth it in the end. It's all worth it in the end. But, and our emotional finale here is of course the contest is like, wait a minute, I love this beautiful Jinko. And then she makes out with him. Making out with my girlfriend at my dead colleague's funeral in front of the funeral paparazzo.

Yeah, everyone's got cameras. I guess the funeral paparazzo is a traditional part of Italian morning culture. Yeah. When I die, I expect you to, A, wear better outfits than this. Of course. But also, I expect you to... Oh! Okay, you're dying first! Never fucking mind! I was going to say, feel free to make out with your partners at my funeral, but no, you're dying first, bitch! I wear better outfits than... Okay, I thought you were talking about Monica Bellucci's outfit. I apologize

I think that didn't me. Oh, no, it's on now. Uh-huh. Okay So I've apparently started some kind of a blood feud here by I should got a Deadpool running now. I guess so I guess so Yeah, I've always wanted to have been a tontine to be honest with you. I guess the problem between which of me and me and Abby dies first is who is going to be making out with my girlfriends at the funeral. Could go either way. Devin with the camera as the paparazzo. The other the other the we're still not done yet, right?

Because the other emotional payoff is we gotta get one, we got to get one more heist in, because when you think about it, Diabolik has tried to do two robberies and been owned in both, like both of them. So we got to get a one more heist in. Yeah. Yeah. There's an auction house. We got to get the one more heist in. Oh, we got to get it a one more heist in. And two hardball dags. One more heist in. We gotta get it a one more heist in.

And two hardball dags. This is really, this is really cute because there's an auction of the legendary pink diamond ring from the first movie which Eva threw overboard the yacht. Fun. And it said it was found in the belly of a fish. It's nice. It's cute. Okay I like that.

Yeah it's fun. It's cute. And then a gas strikes. Yeah, 11th hour gas. Finally, a gas. We love a gas. Thank God for that. Everyone in the hall is knocked unconscious,

we hope, presumably. I mean- Everyone in the hall is fucking murdered. I like that there are an older couple in disguise this time, because it's like, oh, we're gonna be together for a long time. This older couple in some very bad latex masks. Too much shit on me.

When they can't CGI or like, text a switch it for another actor, the mask stuff is real bad. The mask stuff is not good, yeah. Yeah, it's a shame. But it's Diabolik and Ava, and they take the ring and Diabolik says, are you sure you want this? Are you gonna throw it overboard again? And she says, my past doesn't scare me anymore. And I'm like, well, this movie wasn't really about your past. It was about his. So this doesn't really work.

I've undergone unrelated and undepicted personal growth. Yeah, I had a whole arc, but it just wasn't in the film. Yeah, it just wasn't great. They cut it for time. And she says, I do like this. She says, I want to wear it to dinner tonight. And then they have this like they make bird dreamers at each other. So I like that they're a cute couple.

That's curious about this is no no kiss to end the movie with. And there's a few ways you can read this. And I think the one that I'm gravitating towards doing like Kremlin ology on the sort of making of Diabolic 3 is that I think in order to do this maybe these actors fucking hated each other because I don't think that yeah no They don't have chemistry they don't really have a lot of scenes together which they otherwise might have done

Yeah You end with this romance that is just like, and now a nice hug, which would be fine. But this movie is like, it's fully, here's the movie where you can see the stripper's pussy. Yeah. No... Like full merkin' earlier on, like making out at the funeral for the other two, and then just these two are like, sort of gently lay their foreheads against each other, which is, you know, cute. Weirdly, weirdly sexless.

It's true as well, that when Ava comes into the cell and finds Diabolik alive, there's no like passionate reunion. She still just looks at him. Dead bedrooms. Again, like the Abby edit of this would have been like, there's like a kiss while he's still chained up. And then we have a little moment of like, mm, chained up.

And like that would have, you know, just got a little bit of a, just to keep the heat bubbling away in their relationship. But yeah, you're right, they are surprisingly cold. Yeah. Curious. Curious. But as all Italian movies do, it ends with, to an English viewer, the word fine. Fine. On screen. Yeah. Which is basically my verdict.

Yeah. I did like it more than the second one I've done. I like this kind of silly soundtrack. Yeah, no. My favorite's still the first, but maybe my favorite's even Danger Diabolic from way back. The 60s one is by far a better movie than any of these have been. No, I disagree. I'm sorry. I really liked Diabolic 1 because they understood that it's for the fans, it's for the girls,

it's for the wombs because of all of Eva's beautiful fits. Yeah, that is true. And they failed to understand that that was a major selling point of the first movie because they don't do that again. All of her fits in this are like mid, I'm sorry. Yeah, they should have learned the lesson when they only lost five million on the first movie. I sort of agree, but Danger...

Nothing else comes close to the brilliance of Danger diabolics his and hers showers with strategically like Placed in a nice area Exhilarating gas anti exhilarating gas But yeah, no the first one of these was the best the second was the worst this was fine I For me, it's a straight a straight sort of gradient downwards. I think, I think this one was the worst, I think the second one was fine, I think the first one was fun. I hope we can expect a fourth though. I, yeah, I sort of do too. Clearly money is no object. It seems like they've wrapped up all of the plotlines though with the Black Griffin necklace

back and the little, the pink diamond. Well, we don't have anything about those about those girl cops from the second one. So, you know, that's true. We could do a from the universe. Yeah, the diabolic cinematic universe or DCU. I want there to be a fourth one. And also just cards on the table. I want to be in this. I will learn basic rudimentary Italian to be a henchwoman in this.

I love to be in this franchise. will learn basic rudimentary Italian to be a henchwoman in this. I love to be in this franchise. I will do it for cheap. Put me in Diabolic. Put me in Diabolic 4. Jinko goes on vacation. Just the three of us as the only English language podcast that has talked about these movies all get little cameos in Diabolic 4. That's cute. I was in House of the Dragon. Come on.

We had to put real effort in to get the universe. That was the biggest TV show in the world. You can put me in Diabolic 4. Come on. Come on. I was in Star Wars. Manessi brothers, I'm sorry for all the things that we said about you. Put us in the next movie if there is one.

Yeah. And then be a copy of Philippe on the Super Nintendo. Alright. This has been Euro Spy season, right? This is the note that we're going out on before we go directly into robbery season. Do we, before we get into the science, do we have any like closing thoughts, not just on this movie, but on the season that it's been because we've been doing this for a year You know we

Experimented we so we started the podcast where we watch movies that people had seen and we experimented with spending like nearly two years Watching movies that no one has ever seen and we're more popular than ever. So honestly like whatever like Fucking anything we are so fucking anything we found some gems in this like modesty blaze real good ones in that yeah we did quillen memorandum just straightforwardly good there's there's barboos oh fantastic there's there's some that I know we missed we will get to the ipcris file stop atting me we'll'll do it. But like, on the whole, I mean, we've seen some dog shit as well. Yeah. I think FX 18 or like Agent 3S3 Passport to Hell, the worst ones.

Yeah, there's some real dregs. I really enjoyed some of the early OSS Song Descente films. Yeah. The Coln Matthews ones were really, really good. They were good. Remember when he was gay? That was great. Mm-hmm. Really? Yeah. The Perle and Matthews ones were really, really good. They were good. Remember when he was gay? That was great. Mm-hmm. Just vision in my mind of the obvious dummy being thrown out of a window down a cliff

in the first OSS Sonny Set one. We've discovered this strange tendency as well that throughout the 60s they just kept making the same movie, which is like The Spy Ghost of Tokyo. Yeah, they were like, this is it. We really got stuck on that for a while as a culture was just like, what if there was Japan? Yeah, what if the spy went to, I don't know, Beirut this time? Who knows?

Yeah, because the thing with Bond and with Eurospy movies is that they come out of this place of like, sort of increasing availability of luxury goods and marketing of luxury goods in an aspirational way, including travel, which is why the Bond movies always go to fucking, like, I don't know, Ishtar or whatever. Is to be like, well, you know, you can maybe like want an Aston Martin or you want an Omega Watch or whatever the fuck. And you can go to these places. And so, you know, they dine out on that a lot. And I'm excited to see what things the heist movie has for us as a genre. I'm curious to see in like 20, 30 years, what's the city?

What's the destination city? Because like we keep going back in the 60s to Japan. There's a lot of visits to Beirut. I'm like, okay, what's it going to be? Where's, is it going to be like in 2045? They'll be like, Mon, do you need to go to Auckland? Like, what's going to be? Who knows? where's, is it going to be like in 2045, it's going to be like, Bond, you need to go to Auckland. Like, what's going to be? Who knows?

I have a terrible answer for you. Yeah? Neom. I strongly doubt it. I really strongly doubt it. I hope not. I hope not. Bond, you're going to beautiful Tel Aviv.

You can never fucking tell. Beirut was the Paris of the Middle East and now they're carpet bombing it. Like, time shifts. We don't know what the city will be in 30 years' time. Largely due to which governments have, A, facilities that look nice and, B, tax breaks, I suppose. Yeah, yeah. Criminal tax evasion! However, we have on this podcast a science-based system. It's called the SCUMM system. It stands for SMARM, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence, and misogyny.

On a scale of zero to seven, how SMARM-y is diabolic. Who are you? Less. Yeah, not very. He doesn't really get his jokes in. He doesn't get his lines off. It's pretty serious. I guess maybe if you speak Italian, the wordplay is pretty good, but since we're getting like

a direct machine translation, there's not that many jokes we're picking up on. I'm struggling to think of any, to be honest. I think the soundtrack is very pleased with it. True. That's a strange thing to say. You're a cumberland point for that, you know? But, I actually really like the way, this is like good Italian Guy Ritchie, you know how Guy Ritchie uses a lot of split screen and stuff like this?

It feels like that, but it's more competent. Really? Yeah, no, I'm with you on that. There was some nice split screen in the scene where they were staking out, when Devilik and the Cops were both staking out in the same place. Yeah, the montage of seeing who recognizes the guy. But it's definitely, yeah, pretty pleasing. It wants you to notice it.

So I don't know, two, three? Oh, sure. I'll do three. Cultural insensitivity. Well. Well, we finally got some named people of color. Sadly, that Wong Fu, the poison expert. So that's probably not good.

Yeah. Okay. So points given, points taken away. Yeah. I... Not great, but it is not like actively like inimical to them. Yeah. In the sense of like, it's just like, yeah, then this is the model UN of crime, I guess.

Which, a mission starts at what, a three? A mission starts at two. A two. And it does not omit. So, what, two? One? I want to give an extra point just for Chen Fu, the Poisoner. Oh, Chen. So, three minimum, I think.

Yeah, three. Three's good to me. Unprovoked violence, curiously less violent in the Middle Ages. Really low. Does Diabolik murder anyone? Because they're trying to put clear blue water between him and this like new criminal gang that they show openly killing people so they can't have him kill people too. So like softened him up a little. Weird, yeah.

So like it's way less than usual. Yeah, especially for the franchise. He does like chloroform an innocent woman to like advance a robbery and then like kidnap her into like his own fritzel basement basement people basement people is that more violent than killing them because like that's the alternative right robbed people rob people um maybe yeah he does yeah he doesn't murder anyone and dump their body in a sewer which he did in the first one when he was creating duplicates Yeah, he doesn't murder anyone and dump their body in a sewer, which he did in the first one when he was creating duplicates. True. So...

Yeah, wow. A bit less. The kidnapping and the chloroforming that is there... I think if you chloroformed me and kept me in a basement, I would have some things to say about it. Like, thank you and harder... I would certainly consider it to be violent. I would have more to say about it than if you murdered me though. True, true. Um...

Three again? Two? Two, maybe? Two? Okay. Yeah, True, true. Three again? Two, two maybe? Two, okay. Yeah, yeah, maybe. And misogyny. Well, the girls save the day and they don't save the day by being sexy and cool. They save it by like coming in there and fucking shit up.

This is true. They go through the front door. He's the tranquilizer. Monica Bellucci is the one who forces Jinko's hand into like being open about their relationship because he's being a giant pussy about it. Yeah. I, yeah, it strikes me as pretty low, I guess. Yeah, like women are allowed to be bank managers.

They don't necessarily have to be fucking smoking hot. Mm-hmm. You know, women can just have normal jobs. This is Italian feminism. Women can be like an eight out of ten. Yeah. This is allowed. And it's fine.

That's fine. You know, there is space for you if you're like just hot instead of like insanely hot. Or you can be a, you know, a countess. Yeah. True. I mean. Get shot at the start. I... yeah. You the start? I...

Yeah. You can be a stripper. Maybe let's give it a point for like, we didn't really need the full nudity of that stripper in the movie. No, we probably didn't. It is fairly explosive just to be like, you're probably pretty bored at this point in the movie. Here's some tits and ass and pussy.

Yeah, that's a good point. So let's give it a point for that. So the points given, points taken away. I feel we've improved on previous depictions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. We are.

We have been. I'm willing to go three. Yeah. All right. That gives us a total score of... It's pretty good. It's 11. Oh.

Which means that it is the best diabolic movie. It's not. Yeah. It's not the best movie we've ever watched. It's kind of on par with a really good Man from Uncle. Certainly better than most of the Bonds. I- Yeah, I'm willing to give them that.

Based on how we judge these movies, it is better than most of the Bonds. Yeah, yeah. It's about on with an okay Man from Uncle. The system doesn't fail us. I thought it was pretty damn solid. Better than OSS's Saundi set was. Yeah. Yeah.

I really like this. It was kind of a modern, exciting... I like that in 2023, 2024 we're making movies like this. It's modern, it's exciting, it's cool. This... I mean, I always judge it by like, would I want to be in this film? Would I be proud to say, hey, I was in this? And I'll be like, yeah, if I was in this, I'd be like, yeah, check it out. Go see. The girls having fun, apart from maybe the two leads who potentially don't like each

other. Yeah, no, I think this is fine. This is a fine movie. Yeah, certainly. Not a grand finale, but a but a finale. Don't know how you say well done in Italian, but good job. Molto bene, everyone. Absolutely. Grazie.

Grazie mille. And I have to say that concludes Euro Spice season. Thanks a lot! But before we do, we will have one last bonus episode. And I don't know what that's going to be. I think it's my pick. Makes sense. I have something in mind, but I want to see if I can get a guest, because it's going to be Girls Night, because Dev's not going to be here. So I want to see if I can line up a certain guest and I'll let you know.

Beautiful. Well, we will see you on the Patreon for Girls Night and then back on the main feed for Heat with a tiny little bit of a rebrand, which I'm very excited for. I just got sent the final file just now. Is one of us changing gender? Really good. Oh, it's happening, boys. Alright. Mwah. Love you. Ciao.

Thank you so much for listening. Bye, everyone. Listen to the podcasts. C'est moi, Philippe! Your money's for pasta pasta! Bye everyone. Listen to the podcasts. C'est moi, Philippe! Yo, Maritzo, pas ça, pas ça! Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. This jazz outro will go at the end of both the Diabolic 3 episode and the following bonus about Air Doll, so I'm just going to get right into the names. I'm doubling up because I'm going to be on holiday when he's to come out. Thank you for being a patron of the show, very nice of you, and special thanks of course to

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