Kill James Bond! - S4E13: Transporter 2

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

You'd better believe they made a second one of these ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. As you well know I've been working with a few gazan families to raise money for their daily living costs in the genocide. We're putting all our energy into this one campaign as we have a real chance to get Ahmed and his family out of Gaza. Please, if you can help in any way, be that by donating yourself or sharing the link with friends and family, it will mean the world to me. https://chuffed.org/project/124906-help-ahmed-and-family-evacuate-gaza ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com 

INTRO Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly, joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devon. Hi! Yeah, run the game. Young Steve Harvey. How we doin', guys? We... we have seen footage. And by footage I mean the Transporter 2.

We watched footage of Transporter 2, and it wasn't... it was... hey, they made it. Listeners, both of my co-hosts are wrong. This movie... I wouldn't say it's a good movie, but it is sick, and there's parts of it that are really good and fun. I did say it wasn't sick. Okay, listen, this podcast, and I've been saying this for a long time, as have a number of clinicians, this podcast exists on a spectrum, right? And so our opinion of this movie ranges from Abbey's The Transporter 2 is, you know, a sort of pinnacle of the modern cinematic effort, and Dev's The Transporter 2 is lower than Skeleton's. I watched it. It was fine! I'm not gonna say it's lower than dogshit.

I'm firmly in the middle, I think The Transporter 2 was kinda fun, it had its moments, but I will say, I watched this with the Polycure, and now I have an audience reaction gauge, everyone I watched this movie with hated it apart from me. Huh. Really? Yeah, and I was having a great time. So... There are some sick things that happen in it, I just...

It doesn't like women much. No. Is my main complaint about it. No, that's true, it doesn't. Sorry, I was about to say, but then again, as if I was excusing that. It is a movie from 2005, so you do somewhat expect... Yeah, women then were way worse. Well, let's say that women were worse, but more that men didn't... We hadn't quite cracked the

nugget where we were like, maybe these people are human as well, but we do know that they can be actors, you know? They can not necessarily act within a movie, but they can be rational actors, they can make decisions on their own, they can dress up really hot and shoot guns. That's about as far as we're willing to go, I think. ALICE Honestly, I think that the casting of Lola in this movie, a character we will get to, makes the fucking movie. I think this is an absolute, like, saved the movie performance for me. I think she fucking bosses it, and I love this character, and this is the kind of role I would want to play.

ALICE So just to contextualize this, we're doing heist season, we're doing robbery season, but within that we're doing a little subsection of the more car-inflected ones. And we saw The Transporter previously, which was, y'know, a pretty good movie, but now we're seeing... NICOLAS We liked it! ALICE Yeah, we had fun of it. NICOLAS The Adventures of Frank Transporter, gay transgender mix.

Correct, yeah. And we obviously loved to see that, and now we're seeing The Transporter 2, which in many ways is the same movie again, but with a crucial difference, which is, as you say, where the first one was like, women are really good at getting tied up, this one has the other option. Because this came out in the 2000s, and in the 2000s there was this vogue, unusually specific vogue, for, okay, well, it's feminism when women kick ass, but in order to do that, women have to be wearing specifically a red

leather outfit, and it's weird if you go through, this is a unified theory that I've composed here, Halle Berry, in Die Another Day, kicks ass, red leather jacket. Red leather outfit, yep. Terminator 3, I think it is, the, like, femme terminator, red leather jacket kicks ass. And so, the Transporter 2, this time, we also get woman who kicks ass, red leather jacket. Not sure where it has to be read, it just does. Yeah. They gave her a short haircut but they got scared that we might think that she was

like a lesbian or something, so she's got her tits up most of the time. Which some lesbians do, but they also explicitly make her straight. No, they very much make her straight. But someone that they don't make straight, and this is something that you will need to know if you're an audience member for Gilded Gensbawn here is that at one point, Luc Besson vaguely implied that he intended the transporter, Mr. Frank Transporter to be gay in the first film. And this is something that will comprise, I would say, the lion's share of our analysis of the movie. Yes. Yes.

This was changed during the filming of the first one and they inserted a straight sex scene in the first one to make it seem like that was the final result. And then like certain artifacts of the script and delivery of the first one still like you can read it that Frank is gay and it makes it much better film. Comprehensively defeated. But so the first movie began with Frank Transporter sitting in his BMW being like Sigma waiting to go and do a bank robbery. This one, he's an Audi guy now, which means some progress, no brand loyalty.

But we're also in Miami, which weirdly gets the Mexico filter. It is, we get over- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's yellow-filtered Miami! Yes, yeah. And so he's sitting in his Audi, being Sigma, just staring into space, when he gets accosted by a gang of what I can only describe as ethnic criminals, led by- But who's there, who's there before- she's not the leader. It's a very mid-2000s gang setup, in that it is an adult woman dressed as a schoolgirl,

and a series of racially charged caricatures, all of whom inexplicably fight using kung-fu. And this was the kind of gang that you could be in. Yeah, yeah! In the 2000s. Yeah, this was a very powerful energy in the 2000s. This woman knocks on Frank's window, she's like wearing this like very booby outfit, she breaths boobily towards the window. Specifically it's a schoolgirl outfit.

She's schoolskirly towards the window. But it's like, it's not even like a real schoolgirl outfit because it's knee length white socks, black suede stiletto heels, schoolgirl skirt, cropped white titty shirt with bell sleeves under cropped black cardigan. Yeah. On my notes say, I've seen trans girls on TikTok wear this. They all have huge dicks and they exclusively bought it. It's very like 2025 TikTok faggot. And I mean that in a complimentary way. 100%.

That was such a comprehensive outfit. It's like you're giving like a description to the police. That's it. Sorry, we're just being shown how many notes that have been taken. That's very, very, that's a paragraph. That's the paragraph about the outfit. Okay. I paused and took notes. Thank you so much. I didn't get her accessories, but anyway.

So she knocks on his window and it's just like, my boobs have fallen out of my car. I need your help to fix it. And then she pulls a gun on him and then makes him get out of the car. And like her four friends come out hooting and hollering. They can't stop Frank's car because he's got a pin, and then they have a kung fu fight back. Yeah. They all do kung fu at him.

He beats all of these guys up in the car park, and then... He does not kill them. Once again, that was one of the things I loved about Frank Transwater in the first film, is that he did not kill people. He could, like he does a bunch of fancy tricks with a knife, and then he throws it away and he's like, fucking fuck off. And we are shown all these guys are alive. ALICE Including the adult woman dressed like a school

girl, to whom he's like, y'know, what are you doing hanging out with these guys? Clearly twenty-something year old woman. SON He says, don't you have some homework to do? And she goes, yeah, okay, and runs away and I'm like, probably not. ALICE She doesn't have homework to do, no. SON She's probably got kids to pick up of her own, I think. ALICE Yeah, homework for what now. She's probably got kids to pick up of her own, I think. Homework for what, a master's?

Like, would you... Yeah. Unless it's her child's homework. She flees the scene, Frank gets back in, starts the car, drives through Miami. Luke Besson demonstrating enormous restraint by casting a funny grown adult woman in the school go-up. Oh god. I don't wanna know what the original- like, there was a casting director who saved this

movie from some really really bad places. Yeah, maybe the casting director was just like, no fucking way, is this happening on my watch? Yeah. Um, but so he drives very fast through Miami, which as we say is very kind of yellow-filtered, and he arrives outside of school just in time for a bunch of kids to run out of it, which if you're following the same plot structure as the Transporter one, does imply that those kids have just robbed the school.

LORRAINE Yeah, it's a funny gag, because he sits there and it's very tense, and the time is ticking down, like, oh is he meeting a criminal, is there a bank robbery? And then it's a school, and the kids get out of school, and he's picking someone up from school, and it's like, ah, that's quite funny. And so he picks up this kid that he's looking after, this boy. Jack. First of all, you remember how the transporter had all these rules, and then he broke all of those rules? Yeah, he needs some more rules, because he's-

That was his character arc in the first movie? That was what made him endearing? Well now he's got some more rules. And those rules are, when you get in a man's car, and it is a man's car, mind you, you respect the car so that you respect the man, you greet the man, and then rule three is, and I will say this, Luc Besson might have beaten all of those allegations, but he is at least pro seatbelt. Rule three is you do your seatbelt up. You gotta do your seatbelt up, yeah.

Fair enough. Good rule. So, utilitarianism thing of how many lives Luc Besson saved with the pro seatbelt stance versus, you know. Also like, I knew this was gonna happen, but Lye, the character from the first film who just had such great chemistry with Frank Transporter and helped him with his character arc and I really liked them together, she's gone. No one even says, how's Lye or what happened to her?

She's just gone. I'm like, that sucked. They were a nice couple. I liked them. Frank Transporter, he's sort of like a Ronin. He's sort of moving from village to village, helping people out. And there are no crossover characters apart from Frank himself and his older gay lover who we'll get to. helping people out, and there are no crossover characters apart from Frank himself and his older gay lover who will get to.

ALICE Yeah, yeah. He's like a gig worker, like he's an Uber driver. ALICE He's like this kid's driver slash bodyguard, if you want a better version of this movie, watch Man on Fire. Which we will do, I guess it's kind of a heist. But so, he has these little riddles for the kid, right? Which leads him to say one of the funniest lines in one of my two drops in the movie, he goes, I'm white.

I'm white. I'm white. I'm white. But so all of the clues, I'm pointing at the screen, I'm going, moon, it's the moon. And the kid is fucking it up. The kid is shit at moondall. Right? Like, the kid can't do riddles, but that's fine.

This kid would lose the ring to Gollum. Yeah, he would. It's a shame. That's the training that he's taking part in, you know? You don't get in there and do your first riddle competition as a child, alright? You gotta get in there and do the riddles early. Yeah. So Frank drives him to this very big secure house, as we will later learn, Jack's father is a Senator, of some importance, and outside the house Jack's parents are arguing, and Frank sees this and just drives Jack a little bit further on where he won't see them arguing,

it's a nice little... Yeah, and asks him another hard riddle so that he won't get out of the car while they're arguing. Yeah, the riddle clue is like, I'm the moon, and I'm the moon, what am I? And the kid's like, oh Jesus, um, uh... Yeah, it's like everyone wants to step on me, but only a few people have. Interesting. Me!

Yeah, me. Everyone's, yeah. It's alright. Only a few people, my ass. Oh my god! Am I being fucking slut shaped on my own podcast? No, it wasn't at you. my ass. ALICE Oh my god, am I being fucking slut shamed on my own podcast? ZAC No, it wasn't at you, I...

ALICE We could both of us could be being slut shamed here, it's hard to say. ZAC I don't know. ALICE Yeah. ALICE Well, it'd be easier to slut shame you. ZAC My understanding is there's like fifteen people in the room at any one time when you've review having sex. ALICE That's... yeah.

ZAC I'm just, I'm one and done, guy like me. ALICE I didn't mean that, I'm sorry. ALICE It's like the Bondurko, Waterloo, there's like three divisions of infantry in there, there's that many extras, they're flying the camera around, you know. I can't do it. I can't pay attention to more than one at a time, I'd feel bad. You have an orgy a couple of times in your life and all of a sudden you're an orgy. I'm sorry, I've had an orgy for years.

So the kid's mum has kind of a crush on Frank, right? She does, yeah. He lets the kid out of the car, I don't even remember the kid's name, and the mum's like, that was so nice what you did, stopping him from seeing me fighting with his dad, Matthew Medeen. So... There's also a funny moment, if you ever like learned anything about writing screenplays, you'll know that there's often a moment usually within the first like five to 10 pages where the hero's

floor is stated. This is the thing they will have to overcome. At this point, it gets dropped like a fucking clanger when Audrey says, what's the point in having rules, Frank, if you never break them? But it's just like, A, that you shouldn't just say that, but also B, this is the same one from the first movie! It's tell, and then nothing else. That's the screenwriting maxim, right?

Yeah. But so, the mum is like, that was so nice, what you did. I really come back to it. She like, let's him call her by her first name, which is Audrey, and she's like, so what have you got on today, later on, because I don't love my husband Matthew Modine? Yes. Yes. I'm young and hot and emotionally vulnerable and don't love my husband.

Yeah, my husband Matthew Modine doesn't take care of me and I'd like to have sex with you, the transporter. Because he's drinking little gay coffees. Yeah. He is. He is. Little tiny cups. And Frank Transporter is like, listen, I'm not really down for your kind of like, you

rubbing your arms greasiness-ly willing to experiment kind of thing. Yeah, first of all I'm gay, second of all I'm transgender. Gay and transgender. We also at this point have to now meet our bad guys. Yes. Yeah. What if an Italian guy did kendo? What? What if that? meet our bad guys. Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Ocean's 12, that you're kind of like, live martial arts, gay European type, you know? Yeah.

There is something very funny about this though, because we're introduced to our villain Gianni, he's an Italian man, he's doing kendo with his henchmen by the riverbank, and you might think that later on in a pivotal fight scene he's gonna demonstrate those kendo skills? Nope. What about Italian Gianni? You'd be waiting for a minute. Nope. Pretty goodICE Nope.

He could've been doing archery, he could've been knitting for all the plot importance this skillset has, but he does some kendo. Cool. ALICE He has two friends. There's a number of goons and two friends. One of them is Jason Fleming off of Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. SID Yeah, I wrote Jason Fleming Alert down in full cup.

ALICE Shout out to Jason Fleming. SID I love it. Love it, you and primeval. ALICE Yeah, and then the second one is Lola, who is the aforementioned red leather ass kicking woman. Here we go. Not to flex, looks quite a lot like my girlfriend and nobody else's, I'm sure. We just got like a short blonde haircut, it's like, yeah.

She's very pretty. Yeah, now that you mention it, yeah. Now that you mention it, she looks like no one you know, I'm sure. Now that no one I've ever- yeah, you're right, you're right. I wonder why he likes this character so much. Okay, so let's talk about Lola here. So Lola is, uh, Gianni's girlfriend. She's played by Kate Nassau, who was a model, and an actor. And on the page, this character is not a lot

and is pretty misogynistic, but this performance is fucking incredible. She eats every scene that she's in. She's the most interesting thing on screen whenever she's on screen and would be, were it not for the costuming or rather lack of costuming. Indeed. She fucking kills this.

She kills this. She's so good in this. She's having fun. Absolutely. Sheuming. She fucking kills this. She kills this. She's so good at this. She's having fun. She is. She understood the assignment and fucking bust it. Casting a model as well is like, it's kind of high risk high reward, you know? Like, I can think of some really good examples of models turning actor, right? And this is up there, like, it's good. Yeah. She's dancing around in her underwear whilst Gianni's friends are kind of drooling basically.

She's got AirPods in. She's got AirPods in, she's got a silk gown on, it's... I mean, she is literally window dressing, but... Yeah, she's Harley Quinn. She's like crazy, loves killing people, sadists. Yeah, they don't really develop that very much, especially now when she's just kind of like, decoration. But, yeah.

So they are proceeding with an evil plan, right? Yeah. It's the man from Uncle Shit, I love it, they're like, okay, the evil bit? Green goo. Yeah. Hate green goo. The good bit? The antidote?

Purple goo. As we all know, that counters green goo. Basic colour theory. Smart. I kind of like this in the sense that I would rather have this than the... Do you remember No Time to Die, where it's like, we got the black goo, and we're gonna try and give you some hand wavy explanations for what it is, it's like nanotechnology violence or whatever. They just didn't really say what that pit was full of in the silo.

Yeah. Goos used to be colors, for one thing, and they also used to not waste your time with like, nanotechnology, y'know? RILEY Yeah. It's a virus, it's a fuckin' virus. ALICE It's a virus, fine. It's- RILEY Yeah, whatever. It's buttplug shaped, made out of glass, and it's got the fuckin' like, virus-

ALICE How can a buttplug see- RILEY Okay, to be fair, I actually think it probably isn't. I think it's just like a circular flask. ALICE It's round! It's round! That's beads, beads, you're thinking of beads. I had one shot of it, alright, I saw one shot of it.

It's a Benoit ball shaped, like you put a bunch of them on a string. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but they did that in the movie that I've been trying to remember the name of for a couple of minutes. The Rock! Yes, that's the fucking one. With Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery, Winner, Schoenhorst, fuck the prom queen. It's just one orb from The Rock, they've only got the one. Yeah.

Yes. Okay, so Screenwriting 101, Heroes 4 stated, Screenwriting 102, ticking clock. Now we get the Exposition News Network comes on and says, hello, Jack Starr in this movie is the US National Drug Control Policy Director. There's a big conference coming up between him and the heads of Latin American countries. That's the ticking clock for this movie. He's about to meet every DEAgent in the hemisphere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all about to be in one room together.

Presumably this is like George W... Yeah, this is George W. Bush. Oh yeah, should be, yeah. His drug policy advisor. The movie does give special thanks to Governor Jeb Bush, trying to figure out what he did to help it out. It's over, we are so back. I will also say, so, the transporter is at home, chilling. He is, yeah.

Because he has a fridge full of forward-facing Heineken bottles, just so you really get the label in. Same beer that James Bond drinks. He has ordered a pizza, and the pizza has not arrived, and he is on the phone harrass- he's a treatlerite! He wants a private taxi for his pizza. And he's on the phone, like, harassing them about it, when Audrey, Jack's mum, shows up drunk at his door, being like, hey, I don't love my husband Matthew Modine, please have sex with me.

LIAM Please have sex with me." And he goes, no. Not because of who you are, but because of who I am. Brackets gay and trans. That's his line, it's not because of who I am, and I'm like, gay and transgender. I mean, okay, weird place to get your role model of masculinity from The Transporter too, but you could do a lot worse. You certainly could. She immediately follows it up by saying something like,

I'm feeling just so vulnerable and confused right now. Anyone could do anything and he doesn't. And she like calls a taxi for her and as she's getting in, she goes, thank you, Frank Transporter for the respect. That's what I needed the most. It's like, sick. Yeah. So this isn't even a set setup to them having sex later.

No! They do not. They never do. Frank Transporter does not get it in at any point in this movie. Two things about Frank Transporter. Thing one, he's gay. Thing two, even if he weren't gay, he still has healthy boundaries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I like that about him. He does, yeah. He's like, I'm not doing this, I'm purely about transporting. Yes. And also, my gay lover is arriving tomorrow evening. Yeah. That is also true. Yes. From friends.

So my next one just says woofing, barking. Yes, because next day he's gonna take Jack to get an injection at the doctor's appointment, but the bad guys get there first. There's a couple of goons, including Lola, who has a pink and gold leather trench coat and a hot pink lipstick. That would be worth a wolfing and barking. Yeah. That makes all the sense. Yeah.

The hot pink lipstick, it like does not, it's, it's so 2002 because it's the wrong tone. It like doesn't go with her hair color or her outfit, but I'm just like, it's great though. It also hasn't, there's like no liner on it. I'm like, it hasn't been very well applied, but like it's great. Um, and then she, she rocks up to the receptionist's like, oh, you're a walk-in appointment? And she goes, my problem's not medical, it's psychological! And pulls a modded Silenced Clock 17 and blows the system away.

It's, it's, it's, uh, okay, she's crazy! She's having fun. She's crazy! She's crushed! She's Harley Quinn! Yeah. She's a! She's having fun. She's crazy! She's crushed! She's Harley Quinn! Yeah. She's a psycho bitch!

We get like 80 different close-up shots of her tattoo, which is like a... Which is like an inch from her pussy, and it's like a little bunny with a gun that says killed by a bunny, or whatever. Stupid. Death by bunny. Something like that. My next note just says the shoes in all capitals? The shoes are fucking stupid.

She's got... Okay, so, we'll get that. If you've got extensive notes, I've got it from memory. Yeah, we'll get that. So Frank and Jack roll up, and Frank's a bit suspicious, because these goons have dressed up as the doctors, and Lola's dressed up as the receptionist, she's like, very very heavily made up, especially around the eyes, and he's like... Yeah.

It's like I've accidentally walked into the cun the country doctors surgery. I would hate to do this. Finally. I found you guys. You know, I believe how long I've been looking for you. Maybe it's like, maybe you don't want your plastic surgeon to look country because then the that'd be like a better plastic surgeon. There's two plastic surgeons in the town. And one looks country and the other doesn't. You have to go to the non country one. Yeah, go to the ugly one, yeah. I applied this principle, my plastic surgeon was not hot, he looks like ham, and I was like, I wanna go to you.

But his wife, smoking. The guy who did my LASIK has glasses, and I'm like, interesting. I mean... I guess. You know? You wanna go for an ugly surgeon with a very hot wife. That's what you want to do. That's fucking smart. Thank you. Thank you.

This is an educational podcast. Please point me to your ham surgeon and his hot wife because I also would like some facial feminization. I will do. I will do. Cuntiest surgeon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but so- But yeah. So Frank is a little bit suspicious, but they take, the goons slash doctors take Jack into the...

Because this is the thing, like, as kind of deep state FEMA agents, they are trying to forcibly inject this young patriot with an unknown and harmful vaccine. Yes. The 5G Corona. Yes. They're all doing Russian accents for some fucking reason. Like, not clearly established. We have big flen!

I will now hit the drop again. This is the bit where we find out that Jason Fleming- We have big flen, you know! Yes! We have big flen, you know! I prepared this specially for you. It's the only thing I remember from that fucking movie. It's because Jason Fleming is playing Russian in this.

Atrociously. And he's like, I am Dr. Vraxinov, I am here to inject mysterious chemicals into your child. Scream! Frank is on the phone to his lover Inspector Tarkony from the previous film. They weren't lovers, but... No! I mean, in every meaningful way, they had more emotional connection. He's flying to America to see him?

Like, that's gay. Come on. Yeah, they have exiles. Oh my god, they had like more emotional connection. He's flying to America to see him. Like that's gay. Come on. Yeah, they have exiles. Oh my God, we should meet up. Okay. And then the meme is like one of them is in France, one of them is in Miami. Yeah. Yeah.

But Isbeth O'Toole is flying across the Atlantic to see his long distance scale lover. And as Frank is on the phone, he looks across to the receptionist desks and sees that Lola is wearing red pleather platform heels, stockings, the camera pans all the way up from the heels to the stockings and the Death by Rabbit tattoo on her inner thigh. ALICE He's like, that's not approved work, where... RILEY He's like, that doesn't seem like the kind of thing a receptionist would wear.

ALICE Yeah. RILEY Yeah. RILEY For a start, pleather is just made out of oil, just get normal leather. ALICE Yeah, like they're normal leather. It's not vegan. ALICE Yeah, like, they're... When I got my first Covid vaccine, the same thing happened to me, and I didn't catch it in time, and now I have pronouns, so...

You know? ALICE Yeah, well, the shoes, they're the kind of shoes that look impress- it feels like they were chosen by a man, because they look impressive to start with, but then you look closer and it's like, oh, they seem kinda cheap actually. RILEY They also don't go with her outfit at all. That wrong colour. ALICE Yeah, yeah, that's true. That wrong color. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, wrong color.

It's got a pink set of lingerie on, but we'll get to that in just a moment. Yes! I guess, yeah. But so, obviously he kicks the door into the room where they are about to inject Jack with the 5G coronavirus, and a fight ensues. We're gonna get... This one will get limited on Spotify. So, a couple of things.

The syringe gets knocked under a gurney or whatever and just stays there. And then, Jason Fleming does my favourite move in any transporter movie so far, which is trying to hit the transporter with one of those big medical display skeletons. STORM Yeah I love that, he just picks it up. ALICE That's so good! STORM He unlocked that as a joke weapon after he prestige the moon, like yeah he just... what would that do? STORM Nothing at all.

ALICE It just makes a funny bone jangly noise. STORM Yeah, cause the transporter picks up a big piece of metal and jabs it through the shoulder of his other goon. It's like, one of you is taking this fight more seriously than the other. Yeah. He still doesn't kill anybody, though. And Lola takes her cool coat off, and she's just wearing lingerie underneath. Lingerie and guns.

Pink and black lingerie, and then two silent squawks. Invisible nipples, just, yeah. Hard to not even. This is in six-ploits, it's here, what do you want me to say? Like... Yeah, no, it's like, again, she's doing great in spite of what has been written for her character. This movie really poses the question, is it misogynistic if we like it?

Yes! It still is, yes. It's a different, it's two axes. Yeah, legally it is's two axes. Yeah. Legally it is now. So she's like, she's shooting up the hallway, and so Frank gets like an oxygen tank to try and like, shoot at her? Which-

You're not quite sure how he does that. I'm unclear, but he does go from like, zero to blow up a hospital in like an IDF level of time, which is to say zero seconds. Yeah, right. Like, he is ready to commit war crimes, the drop of a hat. Yeah. The actual effect of this though is that it sets the sprinkles off, which means of course Lola is now stalking them around the building in lingerie soaking wet.

Different set of lingerie as well, actually. Yeah. He does blow up the building. The chest is different. It's not a see-through. He blows up the building, they get away. He blows up the building, yeah. Like, again, this is very funny to be like, this is your protagonist blowing up a hospital.

I assume there are other people in the non-Cunty wards of the hospital, but... No. But they weren't Cunty, so...... I mean is it really a loss then at that point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we count those? Three cunty casualties in a couple of normal wars. Three divas down. Yes, the death toll from the accident has come in. It's three eight out of tens and a number of threes. I need to triage this injured diva. Oh god, the major incident thing where they'd have to gauge your cuntiness as the thing that they triage you with.

The cunt ambulance rolls up. Oh, I just get a little mid tag attached to me and I'm like, what the fuck? Come on. Oh no. They look around the room, they see all of the injured people amongst whom all three of us are, and I'm just like, alright, there's one cunt in here. It's like, what, hold up! It's like three sets of tags in the booklet, it's like cunt, mid, and washed.

Washed is just a blacked out tag. Lovers' priority. I'm already dead. You're just like, completely uninjured. Cunt? washed is just a blacked out. Love is priority. It's already dead. It's like completely uninjured. Can't you're getting out lifted to fucking Germany. Like they're giving you the good painkillers.

I'm going to get out of here in the next 20 minutes. Otherwise, we're going to go to German country hospital. Holy shit, Diva down. Get the compulence. You. The country paramedics are actually slow to arrive on account of their heels, which is difficult but...

Oh my god. So, okay. Back to the podcast, right. I need 50 cc's of white claw right now! Meanwhile the ambulance is driving like the Run the Jewels music video? DUN DUN DUN. So, so, she calls her boss, Jiani, and she's like, uh, Frank Transporter and the kid have escaped, I'm gonna go after them. It's a cuntocalypse.

It's been a catastrophe, I'm afraid. She shoots some cops. She does. She slaps the gun against her ass to reload. Look, it can't all be bad. And she steals a cop fit, which is really taking the hitman thing of like, taking the jacket off the guy you just shot, and assuming it's gonna still be good. And she drives over to, uh, in pursuit of Frank, through the house. And, uh- So they arrive at the house, and like, Audrey has planned a surprise birthday party for

Jack, but just as Frank is pulling in, Gianni calls him, and it's like, aha, Mr. Transporter. Gianni has planned an even more surprise party for him in the form of a kidnapping. In many ways the ultimate surprise party. Cause he's got a sniper dot on Jack. I was so excited cause I thought that they were gonna shoot up this children's birthday party and I was like, that is an interesting choice to make, but they don't. They instead have to catch him on the way in and point a laser pointer at him and go, you'll be wanting to leave the scene now, sir.

Yeah. Which is fine. Fine. It's fine. Lola gets in the passenger seat and she says, I hate you. Hold on. Lola arrives in the fucking car. She arrives in the car. Yeah, the cop car.

She smashes into like a sign and like, I don't know, the dummy driving, just like, the door opens and it crash zooms in so that we know that it's Lola, and what is- does it crash zoom in on her face? No, it crash zooms in directly on the pussy. Like, the door opens and it zooms straight in on her, like, death by bunny tattoo, which is, I should remind you, an inch away from Bush. Not that there's Bush involved, but like, it's where it would be. ALICE Shit a tattoo as well. RILEY Awful. But it's just such a crazy thing to fucking do! ALICE Yeah, the pussy has a rise. RILEY Here she is. Here's her main distinguishing

feature. The tattoo on her pussy. I just, I feel like there are better ways to do that. But she gets over to the car, uh, breathes spobily right across to it, and is like, let me in Frank, transporter, kidnapped my child, she sees this happen. Lola shoots at some cops and we go into a car chase? It's car chase mode, yeah. Here we go. I will say, I liked this better in Transporter 1 when it was like, French, infinitely respawning cop cars, because those are inherently comical. Mmhm.

Yes. This time it's like, infinitely respawning American cop cars, which is not as interesting to me. On the other hand, the editing has improved, I can see what's happening. We get the many many crunchy gear change shots, which are... that's fun. Frank doesn't want people to be hurt, so he drives on the beach so they're not in the roads, which is nice. I like a hero who preserves civilian life.

This then culminates in him, I can only describe this as perfectly car 9-elevening a building. Yeah, he jumps the car between two buildings. My notes say, yooo, sick! It is sick. Yeah it is, it is sick. Lola says, looks like we got away, Frank says, think again, as a police chopper rolls up, she then shoots it out the window of the car and it explodes, and she goes, thought complete, and Minos just says, yes, sick! ALICE Awful. Awful. The helicopter explosion effect, also really bad.

NICOLAS Yeah, it's so good. ALICE It's like a silent films level CGI, real bad. NICOLAS It seems like they filmed no footage to add that in. Instead what you get is a shot from Frank's perspective looking at Lola as the helicopter arrives behind her, comes up into the frame, she just points the gun and then it explodes, but it doesn't look like it happened in the same scene as they're in. ALICE Yeah, it looks like a PS2 cutscene. ALICE They drive away between two rooftops and they steal a bit from Bond movies where

they have a guy see them and look at the bottle he's drinking out of, like, what the hell is in this stuff? Yeah, what the hell? It's Bully at Bourbon. What's in that stuff? The same as a shitload of other Bourbons, they just get up from a company and bottle it themselves. Oh god, I hate Bourbon.

It's fine. Meanwhile back at the house, Keith David is here! Hey! Yeah, I wrote, come on man, what are you doing? Studio audience! What are you doing, Keith? I'm doing, yeah. Paying the mortgage. Hello! I'm in this movie!

Come on, man! Probably banged his scenes out in like a day, too. Yeah, I love him. Keith David is fulfilling the role of Rambo's hype man here. He's like, US Marshal's guy who's in charge of investigating the kidnapping, but he's like, I've looked into this, Frank Transporter. He seems cool. Yeah, he was special forces. He was cool.

Bait. Sick. Sigma. He's an expert. Specialized in search and destroy, and in and out of Syria, Sudan, and Lebanon. Which, what were you doing in there, Frank? Dunno. Dunno. Keith David's like, hello! He was doing in there, Frank? Don't know. Don't know.

Keith David's like, hello! What were you doing in Lebanon in the 2000s? Remember that time in Lebanon in the 2000s where all those Hezbollah guys got, like, high-kicked in the head by, like, one guy? They needed a transporter. Yeah. Keith David's like, hello, I'm killing time until I can be in Hazbin Hotel. Yeah.

So they're like, well, we're gonna keep looking for this guy. Meanwhile, Frank is at gunpoint in the, like, the bad guy headquarters he's made to drive to. Lola licks the side of his head. This is gonna be the episode art? I have a really high resolution screenshot of this. It is, yeah, I have it right here as well. What is happening?

What are you doing here? ALICE That is now a sticker in my group chat with would you fucking mind? ZACH No, boy. ZACH Because, Frank Transporter, like, he's just like, don't lick my face. He just, like, licks his face. ALICE Come on. Come on. ZACH Did not respond to that. And, yeah, I guess it's because she's, like, meant to be hot and crazy?

ZACH She's hypersexual, which is a sign of an insane woman, because women aren't meant to be horny. Yeah. Okay, whatever. But yeah, she gets out of the car, she kisses Gianni a lot, and might not say Frank is disgusted by heterosexuality. He is. Presumably Gianni's like, why do you taste like a bald man's head? Sorry, I just hit the sticker. Wait, what?

You put it in the chat? It's in the chat. Add to favorites! Just completely no selling this, yeah. Audience, you can get a... just look at the episode art, it's the picture we were all reacting to. Motherfuckin'... I love that. Completely no selling this, yeah. Audience, you can get a... just look at the episode art, it's the picture we're all reacting to. Motherfuckin'...

I love that. Alright, I gotta close that tie. Yeah, he does not like that at all. That's so good. No. So, he gets out of the car, and Gianni has to like, gloat a bit, and he's like, I'm gonna take the kid, I'm gonna do evil shit with the kid, I'm gonna inject him with the fucking 5G coronavirus, and there isn't shit he can

do about it. Yeah, I'm gonna inject him with green, and then you're gonna have to give him purple. And then having told him this, he's like, alright, fuck off then. Yeah, bye. Yeah, so he calls the family, he's like, I want you to deliver five million dollars in ransom in two hours, or I'll chop up your kid. Yeah. standard. So they've secretly placed a car bomb on Frank's Audi while he's been talking, and as he drives

away he calls Audrey secretly to be like, it's not me, I wasn't involved, they had me at gunpoint or whatever, but he notices the, like, uh, the car bomb on his car, and drives up, like, a crane or something? Sick. This is stupid. To, like, flip over the car so the crane exactly scrapes the bomb off the bottom of the car? Why don't car bomb victims ever think of this, are they stupid? They should have done that shit.

Why wasn't this the opening of Casino? Quillen should have just done this shit instead of filing his memorandum or whatever it was he did. The fascist deputy prime minister of Francoist Spain could still be alive right now if they had developed this technique. If he had only done a little flip with his car, he would have been safe from becoming the first Italian man in space. Yeah. Would have been great.

So so far, he went to space so fast he became Italian. Oh, yeah, hang on. Sorry. Franco definitely not an Italian guy. Yeah. No, I really like this guy. Just like, yeah, the first Italian in space was weirdly it was a Spanish. Because of woke because of fucking the thing about space is like whichever country you end up orbiting above you become that

nationality because of because of race. He's a geosynchronous orbit above Italy so we just gave him a fucking nationality. Good for you man. It's a me, I'm Franco! So Keith David is now onto... A Spanish man who's Italian. Frank also has to call his gay lover Tarkoni, who has arrived early, and he's like, yeah, just go back to mine, make yourself at home.

Now that Keith David is like, thinks that Frank is the guy, the kidnapper, the cops raid the house and find Tarconi cooking? Literally. He's like, baking madeleines. RILEY He is baking madeleines, yes. ALICE Just in time for Frank to arrive and see Tarconi getting bundled into a car, there is a very racist joke here, which is Tarconi doing why can't we all just get along, which is Tarconi doing Why Can't We All Just Get Along, which is Rodney King's line after being beaten by the LAPD.

LARISSA Really? ALICE Oh, I didn't pick up on that at all. LARISSA I didn't know that. That is fucked up. ALICE Yeah, literally. LARISSA Huh. ALICE Just, Luc Besson smuggles in an incredibly racist joke. LARISSA I didn't know that's where that came from. I've seen that in fucking cartoons!

Yeah, because it became... That was Rodney King trying to calm down the LA riots, after having been, like, uh, sort of beaten by the cops. In a press conference. Holy shit. So, yeah. Real, real bad. Christ alive, yeah.

Mmhm. Tarkhani gets arrested. Tarka only gets arrested. Tarka only gets arrested, yeah. The US Marshals get him. If you're wondering what Jason Statham's accent is doing, it's his, 70% of the time. So, getting better. Maybe by the time we get to the third film he'll manage to keep it for the whole movie. It's Jason Statham doing epic guy voice, so it's sort of Statham, but he's like, he's

talking really calm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's Sigma. I've got rules. I've got rules. What's the first rule when you get into a car? No, that's not even close's talking really calm. ALICE Yeah, yeah. I've got rules. LIAM I've got rules. RILEY What's the first rule when you get into a man's car? No, that's not even close to what he's saying. ALICE Respect the car of the man. ALICE The car of the man.

The other thing is that this movie wants to be a hitman movie quite badly, just because Jason Statham is bald and he's wearing a suit in this. So he has to do some stealth infiltration of the hospital, the county hospital ward that got blown up earlier, to try and retrieve the syringe full of mysterious Covid goop. Yeah, and some photos of the... he hacks something somewhere to get some photos of the goons, and then texts them to Tarkoni who uses the cop's computer system to hack and be like, oh that's the guy from the movie. The next location, Mr. Bond.

Yeah. He goes like, oh shit, that's Jason Fleming. Yeah. Yeah. We have big plans. Next location is his address, which we know. Yeah. While he's in the shattered ruins of the cunt's middle, a couple of other cops

show up, normal cops, non-conti, and they accidentally shoot the vaccine. They destroy it. And he's like, my vaccine! So he creates a fake one using just a saline drip and a different syringe. In case he's gonna need it later. Yes. Takes that to meet Jason Fleming.

She will. Yeah. Yeah. So he goes to Jason Fleming's place, Jason Fleming is like... We have big plans! We have big plans! Flees the scene. Sets off an immediate chase.

We have big plans for you, refuses to elaborate, leaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And oh, by the way, the cops are delivering the ransom to the drop location at this point, by the way, and nobody's taking it. Yeah. the ransom to the drop location at this point, by the way, and nobody's taking it. So at this point we get, like, the chase turns pretty quickly into a jet-ski chase, and the way that the Frank Transporter presses triangle on this jet-ski, why can't I talk normal? What does it look like?

We've been doing this for coming up on five years, that's why. Just take that sentence in isolation, right, and say that to like a friend or family member. You will receive a cognitive evaluation at the hospital. Well only if they're not gamers. Cool phrase you should phone up a loved one and say that to them sometime soon and just see how they respond. Only if they're not gamers. The way that the Frank Transporter presses triangle on this jet ski. So there's a woman in a bikini on the jet ski and Frank Transporter presses triangle next to it and he like flips her over himself by her legs. Lucky she didn't break her neck! No, it's shot again, cunt forward. It's all pussy. You just see the way her pussy moves up over him and onto the back seat.

The pussy parabola. It makes an arc, like a pussy trebuchet. He rolls her over his shoulder. Yeah, he moves her by the, like, upper, upper thighs, like, by the location of where the bunny tattoo would be, by what gamers believe to be the pussy bones. Like, he, like, yeah. I... It's not great, is the thing. What gamers believe is... That's the pussybones, yeah. They took her pussybones. The Gnostic gospels of the gamers. What a gamer believes. Yeah. So at this point, fucking Jason Fleming escapes onto, and this is the weirdest thing,

as far as I can tell goes completely unacknowledged, a school bus full of old people. Yeah, not sure what that's all about. Yeah, you're right. That doesn't at any point come up really. That's the casting director again. That's the casting director. You're like, no, I'm fucking not doing this. Changing that. Yeah, just quietly crossing out the word children in the script and being like, it's not happening. It's not happening. It's not getting school girls. These are old people. The casting director forcing a timeline in which Miami is inflicted with a serious progeria outbreak, where they're like, all of the schoolchildren, right, this kid in the beginning, all of these kids, they all look 50, okay? Yes.

Every time the script says schoolgirl, we've crossed it out and written older, plus senior... Old woman. It's just like, fuck you, Luke, we're not doing it. school girl we've crossed it out and written old yeah something's happened in you in in in los angeles they've run out of normal buses so everyone just is in a school bus it's fine in addition it's also happened in miami where the filming for first italian etc etc um he like he like stops he like stops the bus and then he jabs Jason Fleming with the COVID-19 jab. Does, yes. Yeah, he goes.

We can't keep doing this ever, but we're gonna get fucked on Spotify if you keep doing it. No, it's already way too late. We're already fucked on Spotify. Just, just, just, just- No, don't. We might as well. And my next note just says, area MILF humiliate shit tier police robots? That is true, because they're doing a bomb disposal effort on a truck they've found that they assume the kid's in the back of. They found a truck that they think Jack is in, and they send in a police robot to try

and open the door in case it's booby trapped. The police robot breaks. Yeah, they just invented police robots in 2005 and it's dog shit. So it gets up to the door and it just shorts out and the guy's like, ah yeah, we've got to get another. And then because a mother's love is stronger than expert advice, Audrey runs past the police lines and opens the door. She literally is like, I'm so sick of experts and then just runs over to the fucking thing. She Michael Gove modes it. And it's filmed, like, all the world, like it's about to explode and kill her.

But instead, it doesn't. There is Jack inside, and he's fine. Don't worry about it. Mmhm. Kid recovered. Oh, Kid regained, nice. And we see that Lola is talking to Johnny, and she's like, we get some of the great screenwriting here, she says, you're the devil, and he says, I wish. Great. Thank you.

Cool. So, so, so, I just, I'm sorry, I need to be like, clearer about this, like, they're, all of the experts are trying to like, dispose of the bomb that they think might be in this truck and it's got, everyone's around, they're all talking really calmly, and the female character goes like, I'm so sick of all of you guys not being emotional about this, and just like, legs it out of the car to like, fuck it all up. Which is an insane thing to make her do.

It's insanely misogynistic to make her do. ALICE You know, we're crazy. So Jason Fleming, pursued by the Frank Transporter, goes to the fucking Wuhan Institute of Virology, the lab where they're cooking up the virus. Yeah. Mr. Virus is called, like, Dr. Sonovitch, in order to make a Russian accent sound like they're saying son of bitch, which is really funny. He's wearing, like, a Red Army badge on his lapel, because he's Russian, and those guys are communists too!

It's like 2002! Oh no! Very odd. It's painting some icons or something. Comedy Russians, we have big plin. He's painting some icons. Yeah, we have big plin for you! Big plin.

So Frank fights a guy in a boatyard, there's a little joke where he gets greased up only on one arm? ALICE Yeah, he gets lightly greased. This is the designated big guy, and the thing is, we've... RILEY They do have a mongo. ALICE I'm gonna outwoke you on this, because I did a Blazing Saddles rewatch. Cause I last saw that movie like, fucking 20 years ago or something. And then I googled it and I was like, okay, so Mel Brooks says it's not like, it's a Mongo Santa Maria joke, it's not offensive, fucking whatever. Having rewatched it, I don't know if we can

keep calling them that. I don't think that that's a good thing to be calling the designated large henchmen, you know? Okay, alright. We can think of another name for it. That has become my go-to word, but I can absolutely shift that. Yeah, I think we're going to need to workshop some. This is language policing, I think you're restricting my free speech. I think this is coerced speech, and that actually the university free speech star is going to

fine you a quarter of a million pounds for suggesting- What if we just called them ****? I'm gonna resign and then claim I was fired and that's gonna be my entire fucking career for the next ten years. The part I'm really gonna enjoy about that, Abbie, is when you write to the Times to say that I told you so and you're credited as a job you last had five years ago. I think that'll be the best part.

ALICE Yeah, so, yeah, he fights this guy. Well first of all, he like, kills, well he doesn't even kill, but he fights the, like, Sovietist doctor who tells him about the green and purple goo's, right? This doctor's like, we have two kinds of goo, this is the kind of goo that cures you, Jason Fleming wants the purple goo because he thinks wrongly that he's been infected with the green goo, and so Jason Fleming makes a grab for the thing and the doctor kills him. And so then the doctor's like, now there's only two remaining doses of anti-goo, the

purple goo, and the transport kicks him through a table and takes both goos. RILEY Then, I need these goos. SONIA Yeah, the guy throws it out the window and he dives after it. Do you want to rewind slightly and say the big guy he fought in the boatyard, Frank traps him in the window of the boat and rolls it, presumably killing him. Which I think is Frank Transporter's first kill. RILEY I thought he was doing the raid kind of thing, where he pushes this guy through a window and then swings down on the head, and I thought he was doing something brutal with his neck and the broken glass or whatever, but he's not at all, no, he's just sort of got him

in the window. My favourite detail about the fight scene with this guy is that there's no soundtrack, just a lot of wet slapping. There is no soundtrack, just a lot of wet slapping. There is no soundtrack, yeah. Also the big goon absolutely twats him with a plank, which is hilarious, he goes thunk. This is the thing that it's really passionate about, this is the elaborate ritual that it's all for, you know. We also learn that the green virus is contagious, but it only lives for 24 hours.

Which, I'm not sure, I put damn logic... Again, we have the plan, youitome of logic. Well, whatever. JUSTIN We have big plan, you know? It's the same fucking thing, it's like, oh, we've infected him and everyone he comes in a contact with will die, and then it'll be fine. ALICE Now we realize the plan, which is that we infect Jack with the virus, he then infects his senator father, who infects all of the people at the ticking clock conference of drug people, and question

mark question mark, drug cartels profit. By the way, Audrey at one point mentions her husband by first name, the only time his first name is mentioned, and we are therefore to deduce that her samsa husband is named Jefferson Billings, which I really like. Yeah, Jefferson Billings. Real good American name. Love that kind of thing. So we get some Crank 2 level shit, where Statham has to dive out the window after one of these goos and then save the goo from a car crash or being run over, which he does, he causes a bigger car crash, fine, whatever. He has to jump over a couple cars that are gonna hit each other and walk away from a

cool explosion. His shirt gets all torn up and bloodied in the course of all this. And a detail I like, and another thing that really shows it wanted to be a Hitman movie, he grabs a packet out of the trunk of his car that is just like a packed suit. Just completely immaculate. Yeah, sick. That's funny. Sorry, I'm in favour of that.

It's cool to have like a pile of those. Yeah. They'd be all creased though. Yeah. So, back at the house, Audrey gets sequentially jump-scared by three of the US Marshals guarding her, because she's trying to get on the phone to Frank, who she's been using the cover name of Susan for. Yeah, yeah, she's been dead naming Frank, which I don't think she should do. I don't approve of that, yeah.

But so, Frank has broken into the house to tell her about the goops. Yeah, there's a virus, everyone's got goop virus. She's sick, the kid's sick, he, uh, Frank injects the kid, Jack, with the anti-goop, thus saving his life. Yeah. He's like, I've got purple, but it's the only dose of purple I've got, and now I'm infected too. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. He beats up security on his way out. Yeah. If you're wondering if Frank is gonna appear, like, visibly unwell during any of the rest of this, he just doesn't. Cause he's cool. Nah, he's fine. Nah, he's the transport.

Just tanks it. Yeah. Cause he's sicker Nah, he's fine now, he's the transport. Just tanks it. Yeah. This guy's not transporting much, can I say. He transported one thing. Barely transports a damn thing. He transported some gooze. Now he's transporting a deadly virus. Jefferson Billings goes to the fucking drug conference.

It's also weird because it's like, he's going there in a limo and there's like paparazzi and stuff, which is really funny to imagine, it's like the can of the kind of drug enforcement set. ALICE There's also, there's people there cheering for him, and I'm like, no, protestors! Like, yay! 2000 Zero Republican Drug Policy! ALICE Big DEA foam finger. Yeah. Yeah.

There might be protesters protesting the Bush government. Drug enforcement. Clap, clap, clap, clap. Big foam finger that says drugs. We love, yeah, I know, I've just gotten confused at the conference. I thought it was the drug conference. I believe there would have been protesters protesting that era Republican drug policy. At least I hope there wasn't one.

I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there was. I think there conference, I thought it was the drug conference. I believe there would have been protesters protesting like that era of Republican drug

policy, at least I hope there were. No, I don't think anything bad's come out of the United States' drug policy towards the... That's fine. Yeah, towards Latin America. Lola and Gianni are fucking, she pulls Gianni's hair, hello. Certainly hasn't been one of the focal points of fascism in the last like ten years. The main things which let it grow.

Um. He's coughing. It's our drugs in the first place. Yeah, he is coughing. He's got the bioterrorism, you know? Like it's scary. He collapses actually. Yeah, he's walking, he's at a, fuck, he's doing a super spreader event, man.

He's like showing up to these guys, like it's the TTF live show in March of 2020. I used to have like such a particular terror of, like, any kind of pandemic, I guess, and I actually got, back when you could still do this, I got some cognitive behavioral therapy off of the NHS for this. And I'll tell you what, as a cognitive behavioral therapy enjoyer, that shit was so ironclad it got me through an actual pandemic. Like I wasn't even worried about it. It was like, fine.

So consider this the podcast's official endorsement of cognitive behavioral therapy. Yeah, I guess so. Do the fucking worksheet. Um, but so he- Get a vaccine as well. You should do it. behavioral therapy. ALICE Yeah, I guess so! Do the fuckin' worksheets! But so, he- ZACH Get a vaccine as well. You should do it. ALICE I had some, like, trauma from abuse, and that was really good too, actually.

I still use that. ALICE Cognitive behavioral therapy. So, but so... ZACH CBT. ALICE Yeah. Anyway, so he collapses, and they put him in the convalescence, right? Um, meanwhile...

ZACH They're like, ahh, you're a six, alright, you're in, we're not doing anything else. But if a seven gets a paper cut, you're out. ALICE Yeah, ah, you're a six, alright, you're in, we're not doing anything else. But if a seven gets a paper cut, you're out. My next note just says the katana rack. Yeah, we're not there yet. Frank has to jack a Rasta's taxi? You're right, comedy Rasta. Fuck me, yeah he does. I forgot about the comedy Rasta, Karian.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, to go and go to Gianni's HQ. He breaks his own rules! He doesn't respect the man's car, he doesn't respect the man, he doesn't greet the man, and he doesn't even put on his fucking seatbelt. Yeah. Well that's the arc, is that he has to break his own rules. You have to learn to not wear your seatbelt. Lola and Gianni have sex, she pulls Gianni's hair. I say when is it my turn to be happy? In the morning, Gianni is drinking gay espressos and having purple infused into himself, he's

becoming the purple man? He's like, ah, the antidote will be carried in me, and then they can't get me, because I'm Mr. Antidote now. Yeah, if I've got the antidote, if I'm all antidote, they won't kill me. If that means if they catch you, they're gonna put you in the Jordan Peterson Chinese Communist Party dick sucking factory machine? Like they... They're gonna put you in a big juicero, man. You're fucked, it's over for you.

They're gonna suck all the purple right out of you. So Frank Transporter and the Rasta Man roll up. Just the same image, but it's all purple coming up. Yeah. Goons shoot up the car, but Frank and the Rasta Man get into the garage. There's this really funny line I like where all the goons are crowding around the entrance to the garage with their guns, and they go, I'm out of ammo, are you? Yeah, where's all the spare ammo?

It's in the garage. It's like, oh shit, now we're gonna have to have a hand to hand fight. We're gonna have to use swords. Frank deliberately locks their armoury in order to not make it a gunfight, but make it a sword fight, because they just have outside the armoury a katana rack, along with a lead pipe rack. I love this! Cool.

Cause Frank has seen The Matrix Reloaded and wants to do the Burley Brawl fight with a pipe. And does. Corey Yuen is the martial arts choreographer for this movie, and I gotta say, at this point you start making a film. Great. For like, two good scenes. My favourite part of this, we get two sequential scenes as you say, the first one is the big pole fight, but that pole is so obviously

foam and it sags, and... RILEY It's like a pool noodle? ALICE Yeah, basically. And I had a really good time with it. The second one is the fire hose one. RILEY The fire hose? Yes. RILEY Oh my god.

Okay, so the first Transporter they had the greased up goons fight, and that was fucking perfect. This one's answer to that is the fire hose fight, and it's exactly as good. It's so fucking good. He's just throwing this hose at motherfuckers. I would like him to be more naked and oiled up and explicitly gay and trans. Yeah, he should've been more naked. He should've been more, like, lubricated.

Yeah, but this on the other hand is so fun that it does legitimately make me want to learn something like, I dunno, fucking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, where it's like, not just you beat people up, but you beat people up in a really, like, expressive way, you know? You wanna know a hose, Magar? He's just doing meteor hammer shit with the hose, yeah, that's fucking great. Yeah, exactly. It's cool. In my life, I've never kicked someone in the face, and I have no idea what that would feel

like, but Frank Transporter does. No, me neither. I could do it. I haven't kicked someone in the face who wasn't already on the ground. I could do it. I believe you. I'm not gonna get my leg that high, but I've certainly never actually had to fucking do it.

Alright, next live show, does anyone wanna get kicked in the face? Let me know. Uh, there'll be a long line for that one. Like, sign posters here, getting kicked in the face here. GERRY Getting kicked in the face here. They won't let us do that at the ethical hall, it's not ethical enough. ALICE So, he fights his way to Johnny, who says, I'm the antidote.

GERRY I'm Mr. Antidote. ALICE He does say antidote as well. GERRY He does. So, he says, I'm the antidote. I'm Mr. Antidote. He does say antidote as well. He does. You can't get me, I'm Mr. Antidote. Frog's like, why are you doing this? For, why are you doing this?

And then Gianni's just like, alright, don't hurt yourself, but I'm doing it because I'm being paid! It's alright, it's coming down. I'm not gonna fight you, because I'm full of antidote, but you know who can fight you is Lola. Thank god she's back in the movie. Yeah, she gets a little bit of like, the crazy psychosadism where she's like, he's like, what do you get out of this to her, and she's like, pleasure, Beat, in killing you.

Which, tell, and then tell again. She has one hit point, she's killed insanely easily. Yeah, this is so bitch made, I'm so sad, this fight sucks. She swings around on a rope, because without her guns when she runs out of ammo she's clearly on a physical threat to Frank Transporter who is like three times her size. She's no Xenia on a top, is she? No. She looks like she hasn't eaten anything in like ten days.

This is the thickest that you could be in 2005 before the general population started getting scared. For real. Being a size zero zero, yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, you're right, you're right. And then she gets punched onto spikes. Yeah, she just gets- Kicked onto spikes by accident. Why did you have the spikes?

It's like, cool modern art or whatever. It's barely thought out, it's fucking stupid. Suck, she should have survived and gone to freedom. First time Frank transforms- Don't kill her. No, not the first time, he killed the guy with the boat, but like- Second time he's killed someone- He kills mini bosses.

His facial expression sells it as if it's an accident. He like kicks her away and then turns around and is like, oh, she landed on spikes. He doesn't want to kill people, but if the fight's long enough he unlocks getting to kill one person. ALICE Yeah, yeah, yeah. RILEY Just like as a cool ender. ALICE Yeah. He's like how liberals think cops are. RILEY Yeah, yeah, exactly. ALICE At this point we now answer one of the age

old questions, which is, how can we in a helicopter over water escape this guy in a car? RILEY Oh shit, how are we gonna do it? Shit, he's got a bridge! Yeah, Frank steals a Lamborghini from the garage, and follows Jarny in the helicopter, which is, again, it's over water, you can just... It flies. It flies. Go up.

Pull up. Mmm, way up. Go up, meet the Italian astronauts. Yeah. Shut up, shut up. Thing about Lamborghinis, no Z axis. Yeah. Wait, no, that's why, isn't it? That's why. Lamborghinis can get deep, but they can't get high.

I don't know in what dimensions Lamborghinis can move. I don't have a strong sense for that. I can't drive, I don't know anything about it. Which is gonna make this whole mini-season where we talk about the car movie is kinda tough. Yeah, I should probably learn to drive maybe. Three gay people who can't we talk about the car movie is kinda tough. ALICE Yeah, I should probably learn to drive, maybe. STACEY Three gay people who can't drive talk about the straight driving?

STACEY Should we all learn how to drive just so we can figure it out? ALICE Maybe. But so, Johnny gets off the helicopter onto a Learjet, which is gonna take off, and as it's running down the runway, Frank drives after it in the Lamborghini, and climbs aboard through the landing gear. He kills the first guy while... NICCO Yeah, the copilot, who is unarmed! ALICE Just opens up on him. NICCO Presumably a civilian copilot. Yes, okay, he's working for the cartels, but I assume if you're a private jet copilot you must be flying some evil people around, so

I'm fine. But like, there's no calling the confluence for this guy. He's dead! Frank just snaps his neck! Unprovoked violence! That's a fellow transporter. That's true. No solidarity.

My favourite thing about this is the method here, because he does do the tweet about grabbing him and making him look to the left very quickly. Except it's more like, in in this case he kind of grabs him and wiggles his head around for a bit and then the guy dies. Which... Yeah. You just murdered, that's murderous across. If you've never broken anyone's neck with your bare hands before, I guess you think that you can do it. And then you're about like, when you've got his head in your hands,

you're like, how the fuck, uh... There's a line at the next live show. There'll be a line for that at the live show. Hey! If you want, let me practice this. So. Uh... There's a line at the next live show. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been cancelled. Which is really funny when you consider that the two drops I have from this movie are... I'm sorry to inform you that you have been cancelled. I apologize. You've been cancelled. It's over. I'm sorry to the Italian sexy man says you've been cancelled. I'm sorry.

A number of years have passed since this movie's come out and you think I've been castled. Also the fact that as he's saying this he pulls a gun? Great. Love it. It's a great little drop if Kill James Bond Highlights wants to pull that, I would be glad. So we now get a long fight in a really kind of impressive set of like, Learjet that like, tilts around... SONIA I love it when actors have a big fight scene

in a tilt set. I think it's cool. NICHOLAS Okay, we'll say the fights are really good, like, even earlier on the fight with the main large guy who we haven't figured out a word for yet. Like specifically like, they're fighting inside of the like, tiny little boat, and it's good. It's tight, it's claustrophobic. These fights are well thought out, if nothing else. Yeah.

Good fight choreography. CGI plane, flip it around as the pilot gets shot real bad. They're cutting in really good fight scenes, really bad CGI. Yeah, shame them. They crashed the plane, and survived the plane crash. Yeah. I love it when actors fight in a flooded set. Yeah, it fills with water, it's tilting, it spits partially on fire, it's cool.

They also make so many faces at each other. This is a very facially expressive fight. But ultimately, Frank Transporter wins the fight, and has to transport the unconscious body of the Italian man who has cancelled him out of the plane. Ultimately, Frank Transporter wins the fight and has to transport the unconscious body of the Italian man who has cancelled him out of the plane. LWX He strangles him with an oxygen mask, which is very ironic. ALICE Yeah, it's interesting, the source of oxygen

is actually depriving you of yours. But so... LWX Secure your own mask before helping others die with this, eh? ALICE He has to rescue him, because he's full of antidote. Yeah. Yeah, he's got the antidote in him, we need to get out of there. We don't see what happens to him, but presumably they just put him in a big blender and suck that shit right out.

Yeah, again, they just get that antidote out of him using the Jordan Peterson dick sucking machine. My next note, and second to last note, just says a potato, and I don't remember why I... Because that's the answer to the riddle that Jack is asking his parents in hospital. ALICE Okay, potato doll. ZACH Yes, because Frank Transporter shows up to the hospital and he sees the whole family like interacting with each other, and he goes, there's no place for me in this world. I'm gonna go be the transporter, free. And he's like, I'm a Ronin, I'm here to help these people out and then move on.

They can achieve happiness, but I will always be a transient. And he gets a phone call who says, I need a transporter for a third transporter movie. And then we get the Matrix BWAAAAAAA noise. And then he's like, yeah, cool. I'm listening. I think we actually end with a comedy Rastafarian as well. We do, yeah. He gets a new car, he steals a car from Gianna.

Because it's really bad the whole way through, it doesn't get better. Chalkoni goes back to France and is like, thank you for an amazing weekend of gay sex, Frank Transporter. He does, yeah. Good. Fine. And that's the movie that was Transporter 2. He says, I was the Transporter, and Jack, you're the transporter too.

It's a much worse movie if you don't understand that he's gay and trans. Yes. Which is not in the movie, because we made that up. I like to think it's within the text. No, it's real. Yeah, it's not like text in any way. It's subtextual. But, we don't have to be pseudo-scientific about this because we have

a science-based system. It's called the SCUMM system, it stands for SMARM, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. So on that basis, how smarmy is the transporter too? I actually think it's less smarmy than the first one. I agree, I mean, he's less big on the rules, and the rules are less stupid, and he discards them immediately, which I approve of. Well he doesn't really have any lines, other than like, don't you have homework to do,

which is not really a bond one-liner. All my smarm points would fit much more easily under misogyny. And he's still playing it quite sincerely, I do like Jason Statham's performance in this, like he's still good. Yeah, Statham's doing fine. Statham's doing great. He loves the kid, he respects the mum, he did like, yeah, pretty sincere, all things considered.

Like... One? Yeah, we'll go one, yeah. Cultural insensitivity. Again, I refer you to the words comedy Rastafarian. Yes, that's not good. Get in the bin with GTA IV, man. Yeah, that's not so good.

Aside from that, Jani working for the Colombian cartels to pull off, like, bioterrorism 9-11 so that they can sell more drugs, is... I mean, that's a pretty racist fever dream right there. That's, you know, like... You don't have to be like pro cartel to be like, first of all, the Colombian cartels in 2000 and whatever, but second of all, the idea that they were gonna do, you know, the plus of the rock. Is it more culturally insensitive than the last one? It was about the same. Last time we gave it a three.

I think it might be less, but not by much. Like honestly, I could also give this a three, to be honest. Yeah? Like, I'm happy with that. Yeah, yeah. Comedy Rastafarian is pretty bad. Pretty fucking bad. Unprovoked violence.

RIP to that copilot. That's a murder. That is a murder, yeah. And an aircraft hijacking. Frank is going to federal prison. Yes he is. Yes he is. That's a murder. That is a murder, yeah. And an aircraft hijacking. Frank is going to federal prison. Yes he is. Yes he is, that's very bad. Also, he does kill the big guy in the boatyard, which he didn't have to do, so it's a little

bit more than last time Frank transported him. Sort of semi-accidental killing there, I think. And again, they kind of hide behind that with Lola as well, but he does kill more people than he did last time. He does. I'm sad that he killed Lola. And I feel like the reason that we did that is so we can have a shot of her spread eagle in her lingerie impaled on spikes.

Absolutely, yeah, 100% yes. To co-locate sexuality and death. So last time we gave it a 2, this time I'm like, well, 3, 4? I would go 4 just for killing the pilot out of hand. Yeah, I wanna go 4 for the pilot. Yeah, that was murder, you can't do that. And finally misogyny. Oh, I want to go for the pilot. Yeah, that was, that was mode, you can't do that. And finally, misogyny. Oh, this is gonna be pretty high.

Like, I... Lola is a really, like, thinly drawn character. She is. And a great performance doesn't really... She does her best, but it's not, like, you can't really change the material that much. Yeah. And, yeah, it's just... She's also, as far as I remember, aside from Audrey who is

just like, perfect mum, brackets, femininely irrational, like, those are the two kinds of women there are, right? It's like- And schoolgirls. Yeah. Real bad. Yeah, that's not good, that's really bad, isn't it? You're either like a lovely mum who's emotional, or you're like a psycho, sexy killer.

She's not even that good at killing killing when it comes down to it. Does she kill anyone? Oh cops. She kills some cops, but like... Not people. Well yeah, I mean I wanna, I feel like I wanna give it six and then take one back for Frank Transporter, respecting women. Okay, yeah, that's fair. I think we could comfortably go five for this. Cool. That gives it a total score of 13, which is worse than last time, but still pretty good. I think that more or less tracks.

Wait, that can't be right. I'll be honest with you, I was reading the Wikipedia synopsis of Transporter 2 during the... No, I'm sorry, my maths is wrong. That's bullshit. That's bullshit. Let me add that up again. During the culture and sensitivity challenge. I do want to bump C up to four at least. Okay. Just because if two is like your baseline for omission, this is pretty bad. Okay. That gives it a total score of, I did the maths again because I was reading it wrong,

and that gives it a total score of 14, which is more than last time, but still... It's pretty normal. It's like a Daniel Craig Bond, which feels about right. Wow. Yeah. Getting worse though. I'm nervous for Transporter 3. I'm like, oh, the straighter it gets, the worse it gets. Yeah. And the thing is, I'm a little concerned about where we're going to find Transporter 3, because I had to go to Disney Plus to Transporter 1-2, and they don't have Transporter 3,

which leads me to suggest that it's gonna be... We may have to find it legally. Not so good, maybe. There's someone who gets really mad at us in the comments when we talk about, like, pirating movies, by the way. Really? Who? SONIC Shut up.

ALICE What do they say? SONIC It's like, well if you can't fucking get a hold of it without, either way. ALICE Yeah. SONIC Yeah, beautiful. Alright. ALICE Alright, that's The Transporter 2. Weirdly complete and sarcastic IMFDB page. SONIC Yeah.

ALICE We will return for The Transporter 3. In the meantime, we also have a Patreon bonus feed. We're currently in the midst of doing loosely religious movies? ALICE Yeah, God Season. ALICE Yeah, the most recent was Andrei Rublev, which was my pick. I'm not sure what the next one's going to be. DEVON Hey everyone, it's Devon from the future.

None of this conversation matters, cause the Pope died immediately after we finished recording, to be. another episode of Kill James Bond. As you heard me say mere seconds ago, the next bonus episode is going to be Conclave and we have a little bit of a history of doing this, we did it with the Alley Luke's Parasite episode. We think the public interest in this is simply too high to keep it paywall, so next week's bonus episode Conclave will be going out on the free feed and the week after that we're doing a Q&A. We've already recorded that long in advance because November is currently on tour with Well There's Your Problem. Psychically if not physically thank you to the United Snakes of America for that. So in order to avoid her going completely insane we banked a couple of episodes before she started. So I guess really there's no reason for you to

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