Kill James Bond! - S4E15: Transporter 3

Starting point is 00:00:00 So in the words of the great American Donald Trump, Death, death, horrible death, death, I don't know. ["Dead or Alive"] Are we there yet? Welcome to another episode of Kill Jason Statham. Oh, they keep making them, huh? They keep making them. They keep putting them in movies. I think he's genuinely underrated as an actor.

Starting point is 00:00:44 I am November Kelly. I am joined as always underrated as an actor. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends, Abigail Thorne and Devon. Hello. What's up? My desperate attempt to make November take the weekend off has failed. I will never do.

Starting point is 00:00:56 And she's here. I will never do. Ask me when my dissertation is due. When is your dissertation due? Soon. Fuck you, why are you here?! I don't know! Because she respects the art of podcasting and she cares about our genuine friend, the

Starting point is 00:01:11 listener. That is true, and also we did a Moby Dick style blood oath, in which we were all sworn to talk about, weirdly specifically, movie, Transporter 3. So, in order to avoid the consequences of Blood Oath, I am gonna lead us through having seen the Transporter 3. The third movie in the Transporter franchise. And ooh, they're running out of ideas. ALICE Yeah, it's just kind of splattering to a halt, really, it's not very good.

Starting point is 00:01:44 It's not very good. It's not very good. ALICE This is the thing, if your pitch is, he's like Agent 47 Hitman guy, except his deal is he drives really good, and he has a cool car, I feel like you can go in a bunch of different directions with that, other than he has to transport a woman and then he falls in love with the woman. Yeah. Listen, the problem is that somewhere in the production of this, this good idea, ran into a character who I don't think is named, but he's probably somewhere in the production process called Le Raciste Pedophile.

Starting point is 00:02:18 And it just, like, fucked the whole thing up so badly. There's less pedophilia in this one. Mm-hmm. But not none. Not none. Which is my bar for like as much as I would like to see is none. Yeah, true. It is French, yes.

Starting point is 00:02:35 This is the thing, and also... With meaningful reform on that note? Every, every... I feel like every time I watch a French movie, I have to be exposed to the existence of a French guy who works in Media Name, and in this case it's the director who is named Olivier Megaton. ALICE-OVERLAND Olivia Megaton is... yeah, that's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:02:55 That's pretty good. ALICE-OVERLAND Make no mistake, however, much like Corey Yuen was in the last movie, Olivia Megaton is a cat's paw for Luc Besson, who wrote this movie, and whose legacy is still... don't make a little cat paw motion. ALICE I liked it, it was a cute expression. ALICE He is... so Luc Besson, his fingerprints are all over this movie.

Starting point is 00:03:16 ALICE Pawprints? ALICE Luc Besson, monsieur acquitted of all charges himself. ZACH Not La Raciste PewDiePie-o. ALICE His fingerprints are all over this movie and nothing else! No, that's a coincidental factor. The Raciste Petophile is a different guy who is involved in the process. Luc Besson divorced his wife who he met at 15 at 17 after she had his child, and that

Starting point is 00:03:42 is a legal thing to do in France, so we can impute no negative things- I can impute some negative things to the fucking Luc Besson. But so, he made, like, basically made the first movie the second movie the third movie. And it stinks of Luc Besson. Well, he's also made the first movie twice now. Well, yes, exactly. Because this is kind of functionally a very similar film. This is the first movie again.

Starting point is 00:04:05 ALICE They did a reboot of this, and a TV series. LIAM No. ALICE Really? ALICE We're spared the TV series, at least, but we are going to have to watch the transporter refueled. LIAM Refueled. Now that's good. That's great.

Starting point is 00:04:18 ALICE But so, we begin with what wants so badly to feel like the opening of a Bond movie. LORRAINE Yes, it does! It does have that energy, doesn't it? we begin with what wants so badly to feel like the opening of a Bond movie. Yes it does! It does have that energy, doesn't it? You have a Bond aping score, you have a container ship at sea, and there's two guys who are trying to break into one of the containers in search of illicit booze, but instead of illicit booze, they find illicit ooze. Mm. They're turned into turtles. Yes. Because, for some reason, they are transporting in, like, a kind of a metal barrel some insanely

Starting point is 00:04:51 caustic ooze. Yeah. Toxic waste. They get melted and their bodies are dumped overboard. They kill those two guys, everybody else has to, like, put on gas masks, at which point I go and look up what the gas masks are. Polish MP4s, best of luck with those cheek filters, boys. But so, yeah, the point is, you know that this ship is secretly transporting the horrible

Starting point is 00:05:14 goo that melts you. And because we're in 2008, at this point we cut to Marseille, where most of the movie is set, but we don't just cut there and have a title card that says Marseille, we cut there about 50 times, we've got like the 2000s schizo editing where it's like BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB

Starting point is 00:05:35 BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOOB BOO And I'm just like, okay, it's good when I associate a movie doing a fairly normal scene with my startle reflex going off a bunch of times. NARES November having to be coaxed back to watch the movie like a frightened horse, just the rest of the polo queue are just like... NARES It's okay, it's alright. ALICE It took a lot of sugar lumps to get me to

Starting point is 00:06:02 watch this movie. NARES It's like they were trying to 3D scan the Good Mother statue, and just like, from like 50 angles at once. One of the cool cars that, for a second, you think is Jason Statham's cool car, is being driven across into the French border at Marseille, containing a guy who is not Jason Statham, and a hot woman. French Kit Harrington. Yeah. Is it... No, and a hot woman. Yes.

Starting point is 00:06:25 French Kit Harrington. Yeah. Is it... No, it's not Kit Harrington. Kit Harrington. But it's a French guy who looks like Kit Harrington. Kit Harrington. And also a woman who, again, you can intuit, because in the second movie we talked about

Starting point is 00:06:38 casting models being a bit of a kind of luck of the draw situation. We again see a woman who is clearly a model, who looks like a model, who also acts like a model, and her role in this scene is to be asleep in the backseat while they get waved through French customs, and I get a flashlight shined in my eyes fifty times. Yeah. Natalia Rudakova is... Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:06:59 I think she does a serviceable job in this. She looks fine. She does. Decent. It's not a good role. She does fine. She does. She does decent. It's not a good role. She does fine for this being like her first movie role. There's a problem with the paperwork though.

Starting point is 00:07:09 And so they get chased. And so intercut with this car chase, we also have Frank Transporter and his gay lover. This is a level of confidence that I like about any franchise that lasts into its third movie. It just feels very strange to do it for Frank Transporter, where you know how sometimes like in like a middle, like a mid tier Bond movie, they'll introduce Bond just being up to some shit that isn't particularly glamorous or as being like he's in a fucking chalet. Yeah. You know, that kind of thing. Well, in this case, he is on a fishing date with his boyfriend, Tarkoni. There is a fucked Statham bucket hat, which I appreciate

Starting point is 00:07:45 a lot, but my problem. First movie begins with a really neat car chase where they drive to a kind of cheap location to film in, and they have the silly little gay French police car that reproduces asexually. I'm a huge fan of this, when there's like, 50 or 60 little French police citrons hooting and honking behind a car. They show up in Ronin as well, yeah, like geese. Like beautiful geese. In this movie, they have the budget for two silly little gay French police cars. I know! And it sucks!

Starting point is 00:08:20 They just have to drive past them like a couple of times. Yeah, and you will notice, is the thing, which is, yeah. The direction is also even more easily distracted, the cuts between shots would kill an epileptic child. Yeah, the editing in this one is not good, and gets worse as we go through. Mmhm. Meanwhile, Jason's saying there's like, fishing, and they're doing- There's a sense of humor!

Starting point is 00:08:46 He pranks! He'd frank pranks! FRANK PRANKS! He attaches a weight belt to Inspector Tarkony's line as he's dozed off and makes him think he's got a big fish. And also he says you must have hooked Moby Dick, Inspector, which is a weird coincidence. It links back to a bonus episode on Moby Dick that we just recorded. We get some Anglo-French cultural dialogue about whether or not Jerry Lewis is funny.

Starting point is 00:09:08 There is no heterosexual explanation for why Inspector Tarconi is still here. There's no way to make it make sense why this unrelated police chief followed Frank Transporter from Nice to Miami to Marseille. Wow, so he was in Miami on holiday, but this now suggests that Jason Statham has moved back to France in order to be with him, which is so sweet. ST- Which is very romantic, it is nice. AL- It's sweet, it's sweet. I will say the kind of Anglo-French unity here, the establishment fears this.

Starting point is 00:09:41 ST- It does. AL- Your back, brother. LW- It is Anglo, because Jason Statham has entirely given up on the accent at this stage. AXEL Yeah, no chance. No at all. I mean, Tarkoni sounds weird too, because as the actor's getting older he sounds more and more like a Sith Lord.

Starting point is 00:09:58 ZOE He does! AXEL Oh, I hope he's in the fourth one, I really do. Sherry Lewis is a pathway to powers some might consider unnatural. So we get this car chase through, I must say, right? We do, yeah. It's, again, the editing is just so frenetic. Like, the shots are seconds long, frames long. But Tarconi gets the call and they have to abandon the fishing and go. Like, the shots are seconds long, frames long.

Starting point is 00:10:25 And Tarkony gets the call and they have to abandon the fishing and go. Then we cut to Ukraine. Yes. Where we see one of the classic, like, 2000s bad guys out of place in the 2010s. If you remember the kind of, like, sharp suits, gelled hair, insane facial hair arrangement style of bad guy? Like, corporate bad guy? He shows up in like, sort of, there's a little bit of this in the Tomorrow Never Dies, World's Not Enough kind of Brosnans, to put in a Bond context, right? This is that guy.

Starting point is 00:11:03 Yeah. This is Mr. Johnson, not very imaginatively named. But he gets off a private jet, because the enemy arrives by private jet. He enters Ukraine, and we get Dumasogony villain, because the border guard is a lady. And he's like, checking her out. ALICE Yes, hello to this Ukrainian border service, Lieutenant. RILEY Yeah, he's checking her out. ALICE Meanwhile I'm checking out the shape of her beret, which is unsatisfactory.

Starting point is 00:11:28 Yeah, not good, I'm afraid. You will be asked to leave the LARP and come back when you have molded your beret. I... Hot water, cold water, put it on your head. The LARP was very very inclusive about uniform policy, which did drive me a little bit insane. Fucking shouldn't be. Shouldn't have been. That's step one of the laugh, is you have to get the fucking uniform right?

Starting point is 00:11:53 What are you doing here? Yeah, come on. It's, you gotta make the thing accessible, you know, it's like you can't have, you're gonna lose talented role players if you have to have this many. Accessibility is letting disabled people like join right? It's not letting people who are lazy join all right? That is different. I have utmost respect for anyone differently abled. Does the A in law stand for accessibility? I don't think it does. I have no respect for someone who can't shape their fucking beret.

Starting point is 00:12:25 Please stop being so mean about the people who I spent a lovely weekend with. Yeah, I'm sure they were so nice. I'm sure they were so lovely. I have never laughed. I'm sure it's great. No for a fact. They were wonderful. But you know, if I want to dress up in a costume. Multiple of them came up to me afterwards and said, this is kind of embarrassing, but I'm a huge fan of the podcast. And now they're exposure to that. You too fucking clowns.

Starting point is 00:12:52 No, there were a lot of our fans. That's unfortunate. I got to get some cooler fans. I got to get some. No, no, that's cool. And laughing is laughing is cool. It sounds good. Although, you know, if I ever want to dress up in a fancy costumes and pretend to be somebody else, I get paid for it. It's true. There's a minister with the, I have nothing but respect for everyone who did the laugh. Yes. Thank you for giving me November. A nice weekend. Yeah. Thank you. There's a minister with the EU who's a, he's pro environment. He likes the environment. He lives in it actually. And let's just if you've ever seen a little independent film, you might not have heard of it, it's called The Matrix. There's a bit in this which is also ripped off from The Matrix again,

Starting point is 00:13:35 because the minister finds an envelope on his desk, which has a ringing slidey phone inside. It's The Matrix. Picks it up and it's like, you look beautiful today, Pamela. Yeah. And you hear Moby outside. The way we establish his credentials as an environmentalist is we have journalists be like, hey, what's up with the environmentalism? And he's like, oh, I'm going to fuck over some some like corporate scum. But this is all happening in a cascade of different comedy Eastern European accents, and once again I deploy the...

Starting point is 00:14:09 We have big plan, you know? So, he picks up the phone, and he is immediately blackmailed by Mr. Johnson. Yes. He's like, you will find some photos in that envelope of something that we think you may find... He's not German, I'm just doing that for fun. That we think you may find some photos in that envelope of something that we think you may find... oh he's not German, I'm just doing that for fun. Making a better movie in your head, interesting. This too is LARP, you realize. Oh, it's all LARP?

Starting point is 00:14:37 It turns out, yeah, the whole thing always has been. Fuck. thing always has been. Fuck. Yeah. So he's being blackmailed in order to sign a contract with EcoCorp, which is, like, your classic corporate villains. They're all Americans, or at least they're all playing Americans. They've all been ADR'd by people playing Americans. And they are going to, you know, nefariously dump all this toxic ooze in Ukraine. They're gonna kill caps and planet, they're gonna outlaw bunny rabbits and kittens and all good things. Yeah, all the classic stuff. Across town, in Marseille, really across town from Ukraine.

Starting point is 00:15:17 Across Europe. Across the borderless network of supply and trade in Marseille. France's Transporter is having maybe the most dad-coded evening, and I'm growing kind of the inexpressibly fond of him at this point, in the same way as the Roger Moore thing where I'm getting Stockholm Syndrome, because he's literally, he has fallen asleep watching the fishing? Question mark? Yeah, he's giving a primarily fishing based lifestyle. He's eating his fish.

Starting point is 00:15:46 And then in front of a TV which is showing fishing, which, where do they televise that? I love fish. He's just fallen asleep. He's also moved out of his lighthouse into a horrible grand design style new build. Well, we recall the lighthouse was destroyed. Well, I mean, you can repair a lighthouse, I'm pretty certain. He's chosen to move into the kind of absolutely horrendous place that Kevin MacLeod would watch a couple bankrupt themselves building.

Starting point is 00:16:11 Yeah. Unlike a lighthouse. Well, okay, listen, but the lighthouse was historic, at least. I don't like how much I'm getting clowned on on this episode. I'm trying to clown on your episode. Hey, if the big shoe fits. The whole point of the big shoe is that it doesn't. That's why it's big.

Starting point is 00:16:34 You know an awful lot about clowning. Been working with you for years. So at this point, the plot crashes through Francis Transporter's wall. Yeah. Yeah. Worryingly CGI car crash. At this point... The plot crashes through Francis John's water's wall. Yeah. Worryingly CGI car crash. Worryingly CGI.

Starting point is 00:16:50 Can't park there, mates. Car comes through his front door. Kit Harrington has driven a BMW or whatever through his front door. And he does- It's the guy from before! He does a fascinating thing here, which is, first of all he flashes back because- Yeah, the flashback died a bollacold. He recognizes the guy, he recognizes him, he's like, oh Malcolm, it's you!

Starting point is 00:17:16 And then he flashes back. Yeah. To a time when a guy called, and this is a perfect name in the credits, not in the script situation, Mighty Joe. Fired him. I've been thinking about Mighty Joe for about a month because I read the synopsis of this long before we ever saw it, and so I've been casting around in my head for like, we gotta rename the big guy, right?

Starting point is 00:17:41 Like, that archetype, because I rewatched Blazing Saddles and I'm like, I think maybe Mel Brooks was lying when he said that that wasn't problematic. ALICE One option we went with was Kronk? ALICE Yeah, Kronk is an option, but textually, just reading the synopsis, I was like, this is a Mighty Joe. I like the sound of a Mighty Joe. LIAM We can, we- I'm very happy to try out Mighty Joe. ALICE Sure. I'm very happy to try out Mighty Joe. So, Mighty Joe is a large man certainly, he's very muscular. Big henchmen. All about those, yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:09 And he's like, Mr. Surname and Mighty Joe. Yeah. He's trying to like, sexy beast Frank Transport. He's trying to be like, do the job or else. And when Frank is like, I'm retired, I'm going on a date, I don't want to do the job. Yeah, Frank's like, I don't really transport anymore. I'm running a stable of transporters. I can give you the name of like some up and coming transport talent. You get out of content creation into management.

Starting point is 00:18:32 Yeah, yeah. I'm like managing some other transporters. I sometimes do some of their like live chats. You think you're talking to them, but like it's just me. I transport a bit on the side, but like, you know, it's just to keep the muscles like flexed as well. Even I'm actually outsourcing a lot of the live chats to a call center in the Philippines,

Starting point is 00:18:51 which is why some of it, like the grammar is not great. And some of the fans can tell at this point, but it's just a little, you know, they're jerking off with the other hand, so it's fine, like whatever. Uh-huh. That rapidly moved out of my comprehension. That shifted.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Unusually specific beats. It's like watching a missile home in on some coordinates, and they're not yours, so you're like, I don't know what the fuck's happening over there, but they're kinda fucked up. Someone just got fucking nuked. Yeah, so, Frank is like, I don't transport anymore, but I can put you in touch with a guy who can, Kit Harrington. Kit Harrington is currently driven through his front wall. And so, because he, you know, Mighty Joe does warn him, like, my boss is not a guy who takes

Starting point is 00:19:30 no for an answer. And Frank then has to get in a fight. Yes. My notes here say, worst fight editing I've ever seen, presumably Frank wins, cause he walks away. Yeah, genuinely. He gets his jacket torn off, which I like. Difficult to keep track of who is doing what, where anyone is, like, it's just so many quick shortcuts, like, they're trying to sell the punches by having them hit, and then you cut to shift the momentum, but it doesn't work, it just doesn't work at all.

Starting point is 00:19:56 ALICE No, no no. RILEY It's confusing. ALICE How do you squander Kora Yun like that? RILEY Mm. ALICE But so, he does some first aid on the guy, which is to say he takes his pulse, realizes he's alive. Then he finds a woman in the back of the car, and his immediate first aid step for her is to take her wig off.

Starting point is 00:20:12 Yes, but I know! Frank transphobic for to... He calls an ambulance. Clark's a lot instantly. Well actually, he doesn't notice the 10 out of 10 smoker in the backseat until the EMTs arrive and take Malcolm away, and then Frank looks in the backseat and realizes there's someone else in there, and I'm like, nobody else looked in the backseat? Yeah, these guys are getting a bad grade in EMTs.

Starting point is 00:20:39 He checks the driver's seat, because he only cares about drivers. He's like, I don't care about the transporter. That's true, yeah. Never open the baggage. Not interested. He's like, I don't care about the transport. That's true. Yeah. Never open the package. Not interested. Respect the car, respect the man. So he finds a woman in the car, which is not a man.

Starting point is 00:20:52 And she's got a funky bracelet on. And she's like, don't, you can't get out of the car. You can't get too far away from the car. Frank realizes what's up, because Malcolm also had a bracelet on. He chases the ambulance down the road and the ambulance blows up five times. Yeah, crazy man. It's weird that they had the mule from Rambo 3 in the mix as well. Yeah, it sucks.

Starting point is 00:21:17 The fucking links from Zorro. And then Frank gets knocked out. Somebody knocks him out from behind. Yeah, so Mighty Joe has done a fantastic piece of Robert Duvall and the Godfather offscreen stealth, because he has just sneaked into Frank Transporter's house, and incredibly perfect stealth kill punched him in the back of the head the second he realized. Yeah, it's cool. So, Frank wakes up in a holding cell, he's got his shirt off again, because we have to see Jason Statham's chest a bunch in this.

Starting point is 00:21:53 Very vascular man, is Jason Statham. Yeah, he looks good, you know? If you're into that sort of thing. I'd still... it's not breaking the lesbian force field for me in the way that Alexander Skarsgård did, I think because he's too clean, I'm like, you gotta put some grease on him, you know? Yeah, you gotta mud that guy up a little. Susan Sontag, essence of eroticism is palpability. Yes.

Starting point is 00:22:11 You gotta grease this boy. You gotta make it look a little bit more pathetic. Yeah, you ever seen any of the Tour de France coverage where it's the ones who are like, incredibly muscular twinks covered in mud and crying? That's real good. That sounds great. Alright, his suit is hanging in a fridge, which is a strange place to keep, so you want to keep it fresh, I guess. We get some more pointless, fast forward 2000s editing as he gets up and then we fast forward

Starting point is 00:22:34 him walking to the fridge, it's like whatever. Yeah, yeah. But once he gets dressed, our boy Mr. Johnson is doing his very best Bond villain here. He is, yes. It's like, I brought you a suit to make you more comfortable, we need you to do a job for me. At this point, Mighty Joe takes the second decision that he does in the movie. He's standing there with a broken nose in his arm in a sling, which is a funny joke. I like that. Genuinely, I was halfway through writing the phrase,

Starting point is 00:23:03 excited to see Mighty Joe as a recurring guy, he is extremely big, and then he immediately gets shot in the head. Like, ah. Yeah, he tries to criticise his boss, and his boss's management style is, I'll kill you. Which is... It's a bad management style. It is.

Starting point is 00:23:20 It just doesn't get rid of... It depends on the personnel, I suppose. True. High turnover rate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lets him boof the pill that kills you instantly. Yeah, so rest in power Mikey Joe, a man not named in anything but the credits, and I do think it is conceptually much funnier that we name all big guys after a guy who is, A,

Starting point is 00:23:39 not particularly memorably big, and B, is killed in his second scene. I think that's, I think that follows a kind of criterion of incomprehensibility that I like quite a lot. I'm willing to believe it. Named in the credits, and in our hearts. Mmhmm. At least this one's named after a movie we actually saw on the podcast. The real test case is when the next big guy shows up, do we remember that we're calling

Starting point is 00:24:04 him Mighty Joes, or do we think of something else? Like, that will be how we know. ALICE So the job is, Frank is a transporter, he's gonna have to transport something. LIAM You have to transport some shit for me, man. SONIA Frank, by the way, does not blink when Mighty Joe gets iced. He's just like, yeah, damn, that's crazy.

Starting point is 00:24:21 ALICE And his only condition is that he wants to use his own car. But because Johnson is a Bond villain, he's anticipated that condition is that he wants to use his own car, but because Johnson is a Bond film he's anticipated that condition, and he does the cue scene of, here's all your cool shit. He literally uses the phrase, we took the liberty of, you know, fucking installing whatever in your car, which is a direct cue lift. That's a cue, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:41 Yeah, it's just Luc Besson trying to do Bond shit. He also keeps touching him in a way that- He's running his hands all over his head and everything, yeah. There's a bit where he gets like a high score combo for like head touches. It's so fucking funny. He gets so like, over chubby. Yeah. He's landing combos and head touching.

Starting point is 00:25:01 Again, I think it's meant to suggest that this man is gay, I think we're meant to learn that this man is gay from this. But it's just the first movie again, right, because you have to transport this woman, she's here too, we're gonna put this explosive bracelet on you, and you've seen yourself have worked. If you get more than 75 feet from the car, you blow up. You know what, great. Because Luke Besson has listened through time to our criticisms

Starting point is 00:25:25 from Transporter 2 where we were like, brother is not even transporting anything. He's not anywhere near a car. This is, if he gets too far away from a car, he explodes. Now we're talking. He's Lone Druid tethered to his fucking car. Important to do screenwriting constraints. Also we don't yet know officially the lady Valentina that she is the package, they actually do load a big package into the boot of his car, and then they just say, she's gonna come with you. But obviously, because we've seen two of these movies before, we're like, oh yeah, she's the package, great, whatever.

Starting point is 00:25:55 ALICE Yeah, yeah, sure. ALICE So you go to GPS in the car, off you go. ALICE We'll be on the phone, here is a phone that only dials my number, any problems, we'll kill you. Which is, you know. He goes, I don't know if I wanna have her in there, and he goes, alright, I'll kill her then.

Starting point is 00:26:12 And just like, points his gun, and it's like, very bizarre management style on this guy. Yeah. He just loves killing. He just loves killing. He just likes, he just bought that gun, he wants to use the gun. Pointing his gun. So they get driving around the same roads in the south of France that they used to film the whole first movie as well.

Starting point is 00:26:30 LIAM Don't worry about it. RILEY She won't tell him what it's about. ALICE Yeah, she's like a conveniently mute, a device that they managed in the first movie by just having her really enjoy wearing duct tape over her mouth. In this case it's more like she's just like, I don't want to speak. She's taking a vow of silence like Andrei Rublev.

Starting point is 00:26:50 STORMTROOPER Meanwhile Tarkony finds that his gay lover Frank is missing, and he misses their date, and he's like, oh damn, somebody drove a car through the wall of Frank's house, that's nuts. Frank normally likes cars, but presumably not when they're delivered like this. ALICE I enjoy car especially when it's deserved at the proper temperature. I love car. But the car is towed away to the police place where they can investigate it, but as it's being towed away some more goons shoot the cop who's driving the truck and then they steal the GPS from out of the car. I've ever thought about these goons as well,

Starting point is 00:27:23 which is that we used to cast guys based entirely off of like face card, right? And one of these goons could have had a rich career in film noir because he looks like the French Lee Van Cleef. They don't use him for anything else in the movie. This is his only scene, but I'm like, Jesus Christ, that guy looks incredibly terrifying. Yeah, these guys are stunt guys. They're just, yeah, he does. he already does. They've got that look about them. They're just, they're stuntmen. Such a show. Because they're all like incredibly fit.

Starting point is 00:27:48 Mm. But so they steal the GPS, and then we get a scene of Tarconi going, oh shit, the GPS has been stolen. Which... Ehhh. I found his name, you're talking about Fareed Elowadi. Brother, you look amazing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:03 You look amazing, get cast and stuff, please. So Frank is trying to break down walls with Valentina, doesn't even know her name yet, and she finally starts talking in the most, uh, kind of way. She sings broken English? RILEY There's a bit later on where he goes, like, he's on the phone to Tarko and he's like, she's Russian? I think? And like, that's the accent that a lot ofo and he's like, she's Russian? I think? And

Starting point is 00:28:25 like, that's the accent that a lot of people in this movie are going for, is Russian. I think. ALICE Yeah, it's Russian, I guess. ALICE Yeah, second movie in the world. NICOLA How does a Ukrainian sound? Like, Russian? Kinda? You know? ALICE The funniest thing is that this actress is Russian herself, as well. NICOLA Is she? ALICE Indeed she is.

Starting point is 00:28:36 ALICE But yeah, so she hits him with a like, what matters my name, when he asks what her name is. Also, Statham here, looking old. And this is an interesting thing that I want to digress about, because I saw when I was logging into Amazon Prime to watch this, a new Jason Statham moving out. ZACH I also saw that one, yeah. ALICE Jason Statham looks older in this than he does now. There's some...

Starting point is 00:29:07 I mean, you know, I don't want to speculate about why that must be, but I think that also encourages some of the same fondness that I get for old Roger Moore, because he looks kind of a little bit older, a little bit weathered, and mostly just baffled by this whole experience, you know? And I've always thought that Jason Satham is like an underrated actor. You think he's on the estrogen, or is his skin looking good? I think, I dunno. But like, in this movie he's looking decidedly middle-aged, and is just kind of baffled by that. He's got the opposite of hair plugs to keep him bald?

Starting point is 00:29:41 Yeah. So has laser on the top of his head. JUSTIN Destination is Budapest. Jason Statham says, what's in Budapest? And my notes say a lot of cheap and very well equipped film studios. ALICE Interesting. JUSTIN Yep. That's why we filmed Django out there.

Starting point is 00:29:58 ALICE In Ukraine, the EcoCorp guys, and the ADR guys who are voicing them in a different room at a latency of about half a second, are meeting with the Ukrainian minister who's being blackmailed, and they're like, right, so you just sign the deal, we will dump eight ships worth of toxic waste a year directly into Odessa. And he's like, but I don't want to... He's like, that sounds bad. Like, as the environmental minister, that seems like it would be a bad for me to do that. Yeah. So he gets the Ukrainian, I guess, secret service or whatever, to look into

Starting point is 00:30:38 this, right? Yeah. And those are the guys who stole the GPS. They're the ministers' boys. Yeah. Cool. Tarkony's on their trail, and now on Fred's track. They're the good guys. And the first thing they did the ministers' boys. Yeah. Cool. Tarkoni's on their trail and they're on Frank's trail. They're the good guys, and the first thing they did was kill a cop, so hell yeah, that's interesting. Strange categorization.

Starting point is 00:30:52 Weird tone thing, they just forget what to think about those guys. Genuinely. Frank tries to break down Valentina's, uh, kind of like, uh, walls by talking about food, cause they're gonna enter Germany. I like the scene. I kind of do too. Yeah. They're about to enter Germany, and he's like, well, there's gonna be like, beer and sausage

Starting point is 00:31:13 and stuff, and she's like, I don't like sausage. So he asks what she does like, and she has an interest in food, which is funny, because it looks like she's never eaten any in her life. And they go through this, like, dinner on it. Yeah, it's quite nice. Frank suggests some wine, and he pronounces it Tokaj, he just pronounced Tokai, you fucking PLEASE Tokaj. Okay, they're gonna kick you out of Hungary for this, dude, like, it's over. Yeah. dude, like, it's over. But so, they drive into Germany, and Frank's like, well I gotta

Starting point is 00:31:48 get this fucking tracker off the car so we don't explode. Yes. Absolutely. Luckily, I know one German man. Yeah. And he's on the way! On the mechanic queue. So they go to visit Mechanic Queue, but in so doing they go off course, which sets up a big like 2000s, like, Frank Transporter is off course, which sets up a big 2000s, like, Frank

Starting point is 00:32:05 Transporter is off course pop up on the computers where Johnson is running his blackmail thing from. So he sends some goons after them. They go and see Otto. Otto is like, uh, damn it's crazy that that happened. He also says, oh, this bracelet, this bomb bracelet you've got on, it's this new like Pentagon weaponry system based on the theory of magnetic attraction. Love that. That's a weird way to say it's magnetic. Based on the theory of magnetism.

Starting point is 00:32:37 Have you heard of this? From Arso, we get this. You wouldn't believe what you can discover when you let your fingers do the walking through the internet. And that's screen rising. That's right, baby. It is. It says, would you like to see the invasion plans for Iran?

Starting point is 00:32:50 This is a 2008 movie. And I say they're on the war thunder forums, man. You can just go on a signal chat, brother. It's all good. Yeah. So also find the actual text to the edge of the Atlantic. I don't need an internet connection. Yeah, weirdly posted as a sticker on WhatsApp.

Starting point is 00:33:10 So also finds the thing, but he's not able to disconnect it. Some goons roll up, and my question is, if the goons are able to get here this fast and without any problems, why don't you just get one of them to do this job? That's a great question. This question's never answered, why did he hire Frank Transporter to do this against his will, when it seems like he has an army of goons with cars? Because Frank has to have another fight scene now, for the plot. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:37 Also, it's the EU, you can just drive across the border, what are you doing? Why are you even transporting her anywhere? Why did you need this guy? Why does she need to go anywhere? Let's, let's not worry about that. Whatever. What is happening? Why is any of this going on?

Starting point is 00:33:51 My, my, my favorite of the goons, my favorite of the goons is, cause there's like one goon who doesn't have a name, who gets like menace, Frank, and then there's also his buddy, Mr. Parkour Man. Hell yeah. I love Mr. Parkour Man so much because his opening gambit, the first thing anyone does, is to kind of do a little flip in Frank's direction and then get kicked in the face so hard he fucking dies. It's a perfect dramatic arc for a character. He's a really good pal.

Starting point is 00:34:20 Hwiyah! Kachah! It's great. I love that shit. And then of course, yeah, they all fight him. At this point I write down, sick, I love martial arts. I like it too when I can see it. Oh, it'd be so good, wouldn't it. One of the guys is the guy who perfectly cuts Frank's shirt off. Because this is a, The Transformers is a rare kind of action movie, and it very explicitly

Starting point is 00:34:46 foregrounds the male body as like an erotic sort of locus, right? Yeah, I suppose that is nice. Particularly the male chest. Yeah. Valentina is watching Jason Statham beat dudes up shirtless and she's loving it. She's getting horny in that, yeah. We know that this is an eroticized thing, because we see eight or nine shots of her biting her lip. Yeah, right.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Women love it when you do violence. We love that, actually, it's not at all scary. Yeah. He fights some guys, he drops a car lift on top of some guys, he's still doing the Frank Transporter thing of not killing anyone, like, explicitly. Do they live? Do those guys survive? I dunno.

Starting point is 00:35:24 Oh, you don't think so? I feel like a car getting dropped on you is heavy. I feel like that's a double murder, which not only is quite violent- I think he killed those two guys at the end, yeah. Which- I think he did, but also now Otto has two corpses in his garage, which is just rude. Yeah, and he says to Otto, hey, best of luck. Yeah, like it's rude if I like vape in your front room without asking, it's even ruder if I kill two men and leave you to clean it up.

Starting point is 00:35:50 So he does then have to fight a Mighty Joe. Conveniently not Mighty Joe. A second Mighty Joe. After they shot Mighty Joe, Johnson was just like, get me one with a brain. And this guy rolls up and Jason's like, are you the one with the brain? And he's like, no, I'm big. I'm literally just huge. ALICE Mmhm. That's my thing. ALICE Mightier, Joe.

Starting point is 00:36:08 JOE I am even mightier, Joe. ALICE Yes. They have a fight in the barrel room, the lotto's garage. JOE Of course. ALICE Yes. ALICE Which, not only are you killing two guys, but you're also fucking up his barrels. JOE My barrels!

Starting point is 00:36:20 ALICE Yeah. ALICE They're not red barrels, at least. JOE Yes. ALICE Blue barrels. The way he kills this guy, or takes him out or whatever, is he suplexes him through into the pit that you use to go under cars to work on them, and then he throws a single rose, which also also he just had, a single garage rose into the hole, and I'm like, this is a cartoon, this is good I'm like this is a cartoon this is good I like

Starting point is 00:36:45 this a lot. Garage Rose sounds like the name that you'd give to like the guy in the garage who bottoms? It's the name I would give to my beautiful butch mechanic girlfriend now taking applications. I am writing garage rose down as a name. Garage Rose. Yeah. That Rose, yeah. For a potential D&D campaign. Um. No, that is pretty good. Wait, wait, that's just one of the characters from Lovely Lady RPG as well.

Starting point is 00:37:10 Yes. It is, isn't it? Uh, yeah, he just fucking beats down this guy and you, you go like, Jason Statham, you're so small, you're so tiny, Jason Statham, I love you. He's a short man. Um. When he throws the rose, it's fantastic. It's just, it's cinema.

Starting point is 00:37:26 The scene goes nowhere too, because Otto finds the transmitter and can't remove it. And he's like, oh great, this is what. Yeah, no, there's no point for the scene. They just have a fight. But Natalia does get extremely horny about it. So bad news, he's gay and ace and trans. So in fact, Otto even says like women and Frank's like, this is why I prefer to deal with cars, and it's like, yeah, he fucks cars.

Starting point is 00:37:51 That's his thing. He fucks cars, yeah. He fucks the car. His car's such a- he's auto-sexual. Mm-hmm. So, uh, they leave, of course- It's a huge tail on the fine- Fuck. It's fine.

Starting point is 00:38:01 Fuck. Um. Yeah, they leave having achieved nothing at all. Yeah. Just alright. Cool. But they get to Budapest, which is a great place to film because it's very cheap. And Johnson calls him on a payphone.

Starting point is 00:38:14 Yes. And Johnson finally, the plot catches up to him, right? Because he's like, wait a second, I didn't need you for any of this. Yeah, he goes, why the fuck did I hire you? I just need a guy. Why did I do any of this? I just need a guy. And then he hits us with...

Starting point is 00:38:29 In the words of the great American Donald Trump. Which, the Trump scare. Trump scare. Yeah, we get Trump scare. It's such a fucking... The 2000s are such a fucking minefield. In the words of the great American Donald Trump, you're fired. Now I went into

Starting point is 00:38:45 the archives, conservatively 60 to 70% of my bookmarked videos on Twitter are Donald Trump saying things and so now I can just do things, I can hit you with a... In the words of the great American Donald Trump... Nice trucks. You think I could hop into one of them and drive it away? I'd love to go. Just drive the hell out of here. Just get the hell out of this. I had such a good life, my life was great." ALICE I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have,

Starting point is 00:39:13 I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I have, I The upshot of the Trump scare is, uh, you're gonna fuckin' die.

Starting point is 00:39:25 I've got one of my goons to, like, press triangle next to the car and drive it away with Valentina in it. Yeah, so, Jason Statham, Frank Transporter, mister take care of your car, got out of his car to answer a payphone, and left the keys in the ignition? I don't believe you. I don't believe you! This man knows where his keys are at all times! He's not Mr. Alexander, is he? He fucking knows! They're attached to his belt on a little elastic thingy, like...

Starting point is 00:39:56 He knows. And the other thing is, what you're doing there is indirectly suicide bombing a Budapest, like, market. Yeah, because you drive that away, your Frank Transporter explodes. Yeah, he does do that. It doesn't make it clear. He explodes so much as well. Yeah, right, it doesn't make it clear until the last second, but the explosion that happens is fucking colossal when that bracelet does eventually go off.

Starting point is 00:40:17 What are they making those bracelets out of? The theory of magnetic attraction. I thought it would just like, blow his fucking hand off or something. Anyway, regardless. So luckily, there is a BMX bicycle. Naturally. Next to the thing. Yes.

Starting point is 00:40:32 That Frank can press triangle next to. And we get a chase scene, first running and then biking through this market, to I wanna be your dog. An expensive song to get. And you spend your budget on this? This is, I will say charitably- Just getting a clean drop of you saying that? This is some- okay.

Starting point is 00:40:52 Listen, sometimes I make financial decisions, such as buying camera gear that I may not necessarily use as much as I'd like to. Yeah, we're all guilty of that. In that respect, you know, maybe Olivier Megaton and I have something in common, but- Oh no, I was just- I wanted a clean drop of you saying I want to be your dog. That's what I- yeah, that's what I was reacting to as well. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, you can get a clean drop of that from me later.

Starting point is 00:41:20 So, I will charitably say this is some crank shit. Like, this is evocative of the cinematic opus, Crank, and also Crank 2. RIght, the movie Crank, not Crank Shit, is in the calendar. God, I watched Crank recently, what a fucking... what a movie. Crank 1, bangs. Crank 2, awful. Oh, okay, I'm really glad to hear that, because I have not got any interest in what you cranked to. Uh, cranked to not unracist.

Starting point is 00:41:49 Well, neither has cranked one, but um, you cranked one pretty fucking bad. Jesus. So, this is a conceit that is at home in one of the cranked movies, where he has to like race to catch up to the thing. Yeah. And he ends up doing- In one of the wide shots of this bike, Jace, very briefly, Frank has hair. Cycling through like a shower of Rogaine. But he also cycles through a plate glass door at one point. You can't do it. You're're you're you're so lucky that that because he's like an office corridor that he's written into.

Starting point is 00:42:29 You're so lucky that's glass, because if that's a regular door, you've got to literally backpedal to open. Like the fucking cat hitting that door and not one of it. It's just Frank transfers. But oh, Oh, shit. People in the office are like, is that Frank Transport? Frank Transport. Buddy, back up, it's okay. I've never seen him on a bike, it looks weird.

Starting point is 00:42:55 But so he catches up with the thing, bouncing, and he's trying to fight the new guy, the goon, and Frank perfectly, like, stunts Car Jacks back his own car. Yeah. And then he says, you're fired, and I'm like, you didn't have a better line than that? Yeah, you just heard that just now. Yeah, you can't just steal the boss's line. No. The goon sort of, like, is sitting in the thing, as Frank sort of swivels in to kick

Starting point is 00:43:22 him in the face, and... IN THE WORDS OF THE GREAT AMERICAN DONALD TRUMP, NOW I'M GOING TO DIE! ALICE LAUGHS. Oh, you gotta save that one, you gotta save that one for the big day. Keep. A. Hold. In. Shall. Ah.

Starting point is 00:43:41 Oh, I am, believe me. Uh, but so, yeah, so the guy gets kicked out of the car and killed. At this point... Frank calls Tarkony and says, why is my man in the movie, real question about Tarkony, just there? The movie transport of three is happening, I'm with this Russian girl, whatever. Then Frank calls Johnson and Johnson's like, yeah, forgive and forget, take everyone to Bucharest.

Starting point is 00:44:10 Piss and make up. Yeah. Gay, gay, homosexual, gay is a gay guy. Drive to Bucharest, because it's got some great cheap filming locations. Valentina says Romanian wine isn't so good, which I'm like, maybe it wasn't in 2008, actually a lot of it's pretty good now. I don't know. And then Valentina says she's not Russian, she's Ukrainian.

Starting point is 00:44:26 It's different. ALICE She says Russians and Ukrainians are different here, in like the heart, and here, in the mind. And this is, yeah, sure, why not. Again, funny that this actress is Russian, but it takes the opposite view on Ukrainian nationhood to Oceans 8. So... Yeah, true. Weird that those are the two ends of the spectrum, but I'll take it.

Starting point is 00:44:50 And Frank's like, you're really dark, you're really depressing, you're really negative, just like, fine, in that case I'm gonna get fucking blasted right now. He's like, what if I did drugs right now? And it's like, I just, okay, fine, yeah, like, why? She does some leftover MDMA that she has in her wallet next to the credit card knife, because she got kidnapped from Ibiza, as we will later find out. And so when they stop at a petrol station to refuel the car, she goes in, she spends some money, and she gets some vodka, she is activated, like, club kid mode, but it's also

Starting point is 00:45:24 kind of woman doing, like, sexy baby thing, it's gross. ALICE Yeah, it's totally unusual. LIAM Yeah, this whole scene is... there's no purpose for any of this, either. ALICE There's a really weird bit where she just, like, she's gonna go to the bathroom, but it's out of reach of the bracelet, so she just pisses in the aisle, and that's done in a cut that suggests that there was a much longer piss cut. ALICE Yes, it does, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:47 NICOLA Yeah, release the piss cut, but don't release the piss cut, people. ALICE This movie's strange, like, remember the first movie there was a lot of women pissing in that too. There was like, I'm gonna piss in the boot, or unless you put me on a leash and let me piss, and I'm like... ALICE Luke Besson having a piss kink is maybe one of the less evil things about him, strangely. NICOLA Yeah, it's fine Besson having a piss kink is maybe one of the less evil things about him, strangely.

Starting point is 00:46:06 LUCINE Yeah, it's fine! You can have a piss kink, I know at least one listener does. ALICE But like, it's like, in this case... LUCINE You're allowed to, just don't put it in the movie. ALICE...relatively speaking, it's more of the, like, one of the more moral qualities that Luke Besson has is the piss kink. LUCINE Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:20 There are definitely worse things that he could or allegedly might be into. RILEY Well, I mean, the whole way through this scene, like, Valentina is child-brained. Like, there's no two ways about it. She doesn't speak English, sure. But that's not why you would act like this. Or talk like this. No, it's significantly worse than the first movie in that respect.

Starting point is 00:46:38 Which also leaned heavily on, like, we're gonna infantilize this woman. But like, this one, because it seems so much more like, voluntary, it's like her own kind of immaturity, it's gross. ALICE Yeah, infantilized women pissing, I'm just like, why is this... RILEY Just watching the piss scene right now, by the way, just, yeah, this is... ALICE You see what I mean?

Starting point is 00:47:00 It feels like it's been cut. RILEY It really does feel like it's been... ALICE Because there's only one shot where it's kind of implied that she's gonna piss on the floor, and then we just kind of move on from that very very quickly. Olivier Megaton slapping Luc Besson's hand away from the editing suite. Either that or the ratings board came back and like, you can't show that. It feels like it's been cut down a lot.

Starting point is 00:47:18 The totally superfluous five minute long piss scene. I think you need to like, nip that down a little bit. So instead a goon car rolls up- They cut it down because she just pulls out a huge cock. Yeah. F**k. F**k is with that. But so, the goons show up. The Ukrainian goons. The Ukrainian, like, secret service goons.

Starting point is 00:47:38 Yes, the black Mercedes guys, yeah. Yeah. And we get a car chase, because just to get back in the car, she's drunk and she's high, and the car chase has a lot of fast motion, so she is not the only one who feels sick here. And this cone, they do, this is another great kind of limited budget thing, they drive past the same car, like, a couple of times, because they don't have that many spare cars. ALICE Yeah, that guy did a loop and came back to signal a loop. He diamonds off forever between two trucks?

Starting point is 00:48:05 He does! He gets a spinning silver 007 moment. We get a kind of an off-road thing, which is really unfortunate because Frank Transporter is driving an Audi, which is fine, but the Mercedes is a significantly sexier looking car, and it's getting the villain car edits, and it's like... but it's so much... They look fuckin' identical, I will say about these two cars, they're basically the same color, but just like a black sedan. Mercedes sounds like it's more toned, like the Mercedes has been doing low weights at

Starting point is 00:48:37 high reps and just looks real good. The Mercedes looks like I do in this sweater, it's just like... Look, these cars have fuckin' quadruple t brain roll or something. So I'm looking at them both next to each other. There's no fucking difference at all between the two cars. The Audi is like kind of bricked. Whereas if I say that I am sexy because I look like this Mercedes, is that auto auto kind of feeling?

Starting point is 00:49:03 Yeah, I could see that Mercedes comparison, actually. It's like, yeah, I buy that. I don't know what the fuck kind of car I would be. RILEY Well, listen to the episode on Cars 2, where we said at the start what kind of car we would be. ALICE Yeah, yeah. We would have a CarSona.

Starting point is 00:49:17 RILEY Yeah, a CarSona. I think mine was a Tractor. Tractor's an animal. ALICE I think mine was a Tractor. Tractor's an animal. ALICE Frank out drives them, and the Mercedes goes, falls over a cliff into the quarry full of old landmines. Which is the only explanation for it exploding like that.

Starting point is 00:49:32 But to be fair, Ukraine might have that. For all I know, like, you go to some random town in Ukraine and it's like, yeah, the Soviet Union decided all of the landmines were gonna get dumped into this quarry, and we just weren't gonna worry about it. and they drive into that. God it is the same car every time they go past. Yeah thankfully at this point Valentina decides not to be high or drunk anymore. Yes. Which is a thing you can do with willpower.

Starting point is 00:49:56 You can stop if- And Wim Hofbrich. If the situation gets too real you can stop. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The adrenaline just burns that shit right. Unnormal. You know how sometimes people are worried like if you get high you're like, oh, I'm

Starting point is 00:50:07 going to be high for like 14.2 million years. No, just stop that. Just stop. Just what are you doing? You stupid? Just stop. Literally just stop. It's so easy. If you're high listening to this right now, stop. You are sober now. You're good to drive. Well done. If you're high listening to this right now, nobody can tell because you aren't high anymore. You're now normal. It sucks the CVD. You're like, CVD? TSA? Whatever. So they park in this, they park in a fucking field. Nice cheap field. Valentina is like, I would like to have the sex one more time before I die. This is basically just the actual line. This is fucking insane.

Starting point is 00:50:48 Yeah, the actual line is I want to feel sex one more time before I die. Yes. Am I not sexy? And Jason says, I'm just like, I don't want to have sex with you right now. I have the line, we get this beautiful little exchange, which I do not believe. I think this is Hays Code shit. It is. You're the gay.

Starting point is 00:51:04 Nope, I am not the gay. Yes he is! He is the gay! He is! He is gay! He is though! He's fucking gay. But she's trying to come on to him.

Starting point is 00:51:15 He's gay, he's trans, he's ace. Yeah, I do like this thing in the transporter series that Frank resists beautiful women, because he says to her like, did I ever occur to you that I might just not be in the mood? series that Frank resists beautiful women because he says to her like deliver a curty that I might just not be in the mood. Consent. It's good. It's nice. It's nice.

Starting point is 00:51:31 I mean, this would be good, but for the rest of the scene. Yeah. He says open the package and finds that it's full of phone books. And it's like, oh, you're the package. And it's like, congratulations, Frank, we'll figure this out like in scene two. But okay, this is the second time this has happened to you. You think you'd spoil it by now. He just sees beautiful women and automatically assumes that they're the package now. Just Crispin potato snacks at pal. Just fucking figure it out. Yeah. She's still being

Starting point is 00:51:55 kind of like weird, sexy baby steals the car keys and is like, I won't give them back unless you take all your clothes off. She makes it. she's like, I want you to do a striptease for me. This is not good, of course. Totally superfluous. Yeah, yeah. It's also, as a fantasy of non-consent as well, is troubling. So he takes his shirt off and he looks very sexy and he's like, do you know, they also flirt a bit, he's like, do you know what I'm gonna make you do to me for doing this, and

Starting point is 00:52:23 she's like, you gonna spank me, you gonna tie me up, and he's like, yeah, for starters, yeah. Which he doesn't do any of, they also they flirt a bit. He's like, do you know what I'm going to make you do to me for doing this? And she's like, you're going to spank me, you're going to tie me up. And he's like, yeah, for starters. Yeah. Which he doesn't do any of, by the way, he's not going to trust him. Frank, empty threats. I like that he still just wants the keys. This is, this is a well played scene from Jason save him because you can tell that he's like kind of getting slightly more into this, but he grabs her, she demands a kiss. He does kiss, and then he's still just trying to take the keys back. ALICE She's like, do you ever kiss like you mean it, and I'm like, he is trying to imagine you as a French police inspector.

Starting point is 00:52:51 RILEY Yeah, he's like, just stop talking, I need to get into my mind palace. SONIA Do you speak French? Pas de vous français. ALICE The thing is, right, they do eventually have sex, which sucks, but it's not as bad as it could be, because while it does suggest that he's not gay- you can be gay and also do T for T stuff, like, regardless of gender, I kind of believe that.

Starting point is 00:53:12 I believe that-ish, yeah. The T for T kind of default bisexuality is real. I'm gonna check Twitter's discourse before I have an opinion on that. I'm never gonna check Twitter's discourse, I'm gonna get five or six more boyfriends and keep calling myself a lesbian. ZACH They're all Nazis now, the discourse doesn't matter like ever. You post and you just get like, honest to God Nazis in your replies now, it's like,

Starting point is 00:53:34 okay, I can't really have a discussion about, like, trans people anymore. ALICE No. Also, this is one of the only shots of the movie where we see that she has a big tattoo on the back of her neck, which is the character of Peace in Chinese, also means cheap in Japanese, which makes it kind of a nasty joke. Yeah, so this is where- Ooh, they have sex. They have sex, after which she tells them the story of her getting taken, like in the movie Taken.

Starting point is 00:53:58 Sorry, first of all, you're telling me- You're telling me. That Frank Transporter- Francis Transporter. Francis Transporter the Francis Transporter. Francis Transporter the third junior, the man who loves that car. Yes. Who says you take care of the car and the car takes care of you. You respect the car. You're telling me this guy had sex with fluids in the back of his car. That's crazy. I do not believe you. I don't believe that the character...

Starting point is 00:54:26 I don't even believe he had sex on the bonnet because he wouldn't want her ass prints getting on it. In the fields? Okay, fine. I buy that he's relaxing, that he's relenting, that he's breaking his rules. Okay, character development, fine. Fine. But I do not believe for one second that this man had sex in the back of his car. No way. ALICE Well, if you remember the first movie where he opens as the car autist and he's like, no, one of you is like, uh, weighing the shocks down too much. ZACH Yeah, one of you is too heavy, kill yourself now. ALICE Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be like, he's thinking about the precise weight of the fluids and

Starting point is 00:54:58 stuff on the seats, you know? I'm not- ZACH You tell me this guy raw dogged a Ukrainian woman in the back seat of his car? No, I don't believe you. It doesn't make any sense at all. No, no I agree. I agree. They do have nice chemistry though, which I quite like. I really don't think so.

Starting point is 00:55:12 Jason, save them. Again, just a good actor. I think it's all state them. It is all state them. She says, oh I feel safe with you and he smiles in a really nice way. It's like, oh okay. He's actually really good. I like him. ALICE But so, she tells the story of like, I was in Ibiza, I got taken from the movie

Starting point is 00:55:29 Taken, and then they put me in the car with the lesser transporter. NICOLA Kit Harrington. ALICE Kit Harrington. Who transported me pretty good, but not as good as you, because transportation is also sex. And yeah, then he got killed. They drive to... NICOLA Oh, and the reason for he got killed. They drive to, um... Oh, and the reason for all this is, by the way, she's the Minister's daughter, if you hadn't already, Christmas, Christmas, Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Starting point is 00:55:51 They're blackmailing quite why she has to be driven around Europe by a series of bald men, I'm not sure, but whatever. Yeah, that's apparently a key part of it, I guess. Yeah. If I was gonna kidnap someone I'd just keep them in one place. Damn, that's crazy. Anyway, so they change the destination again to Ukraine, right? Because the minister's gonna go to Odessa and sign the thing, maybe, because of the black man. So they drive there, and Tarkony is, because he's been on the phone with Frank, he goes

Starting point is 00:56:21 to see the minister, and is like, hey, your daughter's been taken from the movie Taken, I, this random French cop, am here to help. Yeah, bonjour, bonjour. Your daughter's been taken. Yeah, they get a bunch of Ukrainian cops to help him, with the big, kind of, post-Soviet hats. Impressively. Large hats, yeah, pretty good. At one point, Tarko only calls Frank, and then asks, and kind of detects his attachment to Valentina, and I read this as Tarkoni being slightly jealous, he's like, thought you didn't get attached?

Starting point is 00:56:51 What, I thought, man like you getting attached? What do you mean? It's like, you never let me sleep in your bed, you never fucked me in the car! They, they only made love on the, like, fishing boat, I'm pretty certain. Like, yeah. ALICE Frank put down plastic sheets on the sofa, and now it's like, what do you mean you fucked her in the car? You never fucked me in the car.

Starting point is 00:57:12 Wouldn't even let me give you road head standing still. RILEY That's crazy. ALICE Tuckerny really suffering from first wife syndrome, you know? RILEY I think a Tuckerny is a toffit, I don't know why that is, I can't really justify that. ALICE I could buy that, I could buy that, I think a taco is a topper, I don't know why that is, I can't really justify that. I could buy that, I could buy that, I think. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:29 Cause Frank Transporter would then be kind of like, service top for Valentina, and just kind of like... He hasn't had GRS yet either, so like, he'd be using a strap-on regardless. Which like, you know, some people like, some people do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I take some people enjoy strap-on to me and November Kelly? Damn, that's crazy! Have you heard of this, by the way?

Starting point is 00:57:49 Unbelievable! Breaking news! Huge if true! I haven't heard of this, this is a novelty. I meant some people enjoy with the strap-on on them. Yeah, I'm sure. Like, topping. I get you.

Starting point is 00:58:00 I get you. You can top with your dick and a strap-on. That's crazy! If you get the angles right. That's crazy. So they drive to Odessa. So they drive to Odessa. That's good shit.

Starting point is 00:58:09 So they drive to Odessa. What do I do? Yeah, they do. Sorry. How much topping do they do in Odessa? Is it like much? And Valentina's like, damn, Odessa's like, uh, like it's cool being back in my homeland of Ukraine.

Starting point is 00:58:23 Um, feel very patriotic about it. I don't know how Ukraine finessed this, like if they did, like, um, there's cool being back in my homeland of Ukraine, feel very patriotic about it. I don't know how Ukraine finessed this, like, if they did, like, there's some kind of Ukrainian film fund or whatever that's like, you gotta put some pro-Ukraine themes in the thing, but like, it's cool. It's fine. Maybe Luc Besson, in addition to his other views, has some views about Ukraine. Maybe maybe he's like a NAFO guy, I don't know. But so, they drive to the pickup which is on this bridge, and he's like, right, I'm

Starting point is 00:58:50 gonna drop off Valentina, and then, but she knows of course, they both know that he is gonna get killed immediately after he hands her over. But he hands her over in the first place, and his reassurance to her is like, trust me, do I look like a man who drove halfway across Europe to die on a bridge? Which why is the bridge the objection there? I don't... Yeah, I don't want to die at all. And then we have the funniest shot of the movie which is...

Starting point is 00:59:16 What would a man who had done that look like? Have you seen the movie The Night Porter? I love dying on a bridge. So, you really should. We'll do it. RILEY I'm sure we will. ALICE But so, the other problem with casting a model, we identified this with George Lazenby way back in the day, is her direction here is right, you're going to go and be like,

Starting point is 00:59:38 thrown back into the hands of your kidnappers, walk across this bridge. She walks across the bridge like a model. It's too much serve! RILEY She serves! I'm literally watching it right now, she's swaying way too much. It's great, it's fucking great. It's so funny. I would also do this if I was being delivered into the hands of my kidnappers, I would want

Starting point is 00:59:55 to look as cunty as possible, out of defiance. So I kinda buy it for that reason. But yeah, no, sure. Catwalk walking across the bridge, really good. Yeah, at this point Johnson's like, knowing that Frank Transporter has like a massive bomb attached to him, is like, shoot him. It's the easiest way I can think of to kill this guy who I've previously tried to kill using the bomb. You don't have like a remote detonation thing?

Starting point is 01:00:17 No, no, just shoot him. And this is where we get, for my money, the funniest line of the movie, which is, His beloved car will be his grave. That's really good, yeah, I wrote that down, stupid, stupid movie. You've got ten goons, they're surrounding this guy in a car, your objective is to kill him. Make him get out of the car first. Be like, okay, we're gonna pay you, Frank, please turn off the ignition, stand outside of the car, because otherwise he's gonna do the thing which he does in the movies, as soon as you open fire he just drives off the bridge.

Starting point is 01:00:50 I'm like, you fucking- have you never killed someone before? Is this your first day? What the fuck is wrong with you? They have no idea what they're doing. Why is he here? Why is he part of the plan? Why do you need a transporter? I don't know. But his beloved car is gonna be his grave. Okay, that's the key takeaway.

Starting point is 01:01:08 CMDR'S INTENT, this guy's beloved car becomes his grave, and I leave it to you to implement how that happens. ZACH Alright, make sure his car's his grave though. And then he drives off the bridge. ALICE Drives off the bridge, they shoot down at him, but of course it doesn't matter because because he's under so much water. And then he steals a bit from James Bond. This is fucking stupid.

Starting point is 01:01:31 But it's great. But it is stupid. Because he still can't leave the car, or he'll explode. So he needs to float the car up. Yeah, he's got, no, it's the fucking package they loaded in at the start. The sack full of phone books. He like, he breathes in the air from his car tires, you know? He like breathes it in because the car is sort of an extension of himself and then he fills up.

Starting point is 01:01:55 Yeah and then he's like, these phone books will help me. He fills up the fucking like plastic thing that they were wrapped in with the fucking air from the tires which refloats the car. I don't think you can do that. This drove my girlfriend insane, by the way. What are you moving the fucking air to somewhere else in the car and you think that's gonna change the fucking boys? The concept physically of the air in the tires being enough to lift the car was, uh, yeah, drove

Starting point is 01:02:27 my girlfriend to a fit of madness watching this, like... What are you replacing the air in the tires with? Water? You understand, but that's heavy. That is not gonna, yeah. You've just moved the air and decompressed it. But it is sick. Yeah, while they're waiting for this to happen, Johnson is like, alright, well I assume this guy's beloved car has become his grave. RILEY It's probably his grave down there, so first

Starting point is 01:02:51 of all, let's get on out of here. ALICE So now we gotta get out of here, cause like, the cops are gonna be coming. So they go to a train station, and he sends one of his guys to be like, go and buy tickets for all of us. And this guy not wanting to get mighty, Joe goes and buys the tickets. They get on the train and immediately hijack the train. Mr. Johnson, is this your first day? This is first time doing this. It's genuine. There's no like ticket gates. It's just a normal platform.

Starting point is 01:03:25 You just walk up to the train. I could do a better job of this and I've never been convicted of terrorism. His beloved car will be. You just get on, just get on the fucking train. But the guy tries to ask him this and he like pulls the gun on it. And so he's like, I'll go buy the tickets. Fine. Fine fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrible management. He asks him... Can I claim this back from you later? Yeah, like, on the company's record?

Starting point is 01:03:52 These train tickets are really cheap though, because we're in Europe, it's not like Britain where it's like, yeah I need a small mortgage to buy these trains. So Tarkoni and the Ukrainian cops arrive to rescue Frank, only to see that he is currently being comedy-toed out of the, with the Audi, towed out of the reservoir. So Tuccone goes to him and he says, In the words of the great American Donald Trump, How do you get up in the morning and put your pants on? What do you put the pants on? I'll explain it to you someday.

Starting point is 01:04:18 How do you do it? How do you get up? How do you do it? How can you want to do with what you do they after you they're after you these horrible human beings are after you all the time I got a million of these And I wish him all luck, but like... He's... What the fuck is he talking about? I don't know. This is the thing. This movie is so bad that I have to leaven it with Trump. Right? Like... So then Frank manages to restart his car.

Starting point is 01:05:01 And also somehow by magic, re-inflate the tires. Yeah. It's fine. It's all Yeah. Bullshit, your Audi still works. No it doesn't. ZACH He still can't leave the car, more than 75 feet, or he'll explode. ALICE Oh my god. So Tarkoni tells him about what the plot is, which is, if these guys are left to their own devices, half of Ukraine's gonna be polluted for 100 years. Can you imagine if half of Ukraine became polluted for a hundred years? Crazy. Right, so, Frank fires up the Audi, which still fucking works.

Starting point is 01:05:32 Yeah, whatever. Meanwhile, on board the train, Johnson is talking to Valentina, and he actually gets to do some character, which is... He's Mr. Globalization. right? He's like, I love economy, and economy is when you dump a bunch of poisonous chemicals in a poorer country. Which is kind of true. Yeah. That is economy, yeah. Says there are no more countries, only economic realities.

Starting point is 01:05:58 It's globalization. And I'm like, does Valentina stand for national pride? Is this the ideological conflict that we're... Why is the ideological conflict of this movie globalization versus cars? What the fuck are you talking about? Don't worry about it. How does Frank Transporter and Valentina represent the antipode to this worldview? Whatever!

Starting point is 01:06:22 So, I mean, I will also say, part of his deal here is to go, I, y'know, I'm not crazy, I'm a business person, I was hired to do this, and this was the way I thought I could do it with the least amount of bloodshed, and I'm like, motherfucka, you shot Mighty Joe for asking a question! NICCO Yeah, it's like, you're lying. You are lying. You're lying to me right now. You are poorly managed. ALICE You've done off Mighty Joe're lying. You are lying. You're lying to me right now. You've done a Delph Mighty Joe permanent style.

Starting point is 01:06:47 You are very lucky that this organization tolerates failure because you've done nothing but fail since day one. You're a disgrace to evil. No idea what's going on. Like you're like, oh, I don't need I need you, Frank Transporter. Wait, no, I don't need you. No, hang on. I need you again. OK, now your

Starting point is 01:07:05 beloved car's gonna be your grave." ALICE You kidnap a woman and then move her around for no reason? What are you doing? ALICE Awful. ALICE Why did you do this? ALICE I will say, they don't even have, like, because Frank and the Ukrainians drive to the train, and at least they have a decent number of

Starting point is 01:07:19 silly little gay Ukrainian police cars. But, so Frank ramps his car onto the top of the train. Yeah, he CJs it. I don't know if they put the car up there for real or not, if they did, then they wasted it because there's only two very brief shots of the car on top of the thing. There's a gunfight because legally you have to have one of those... Frank does kill people. He takes their own guns, he comes in armed, they shoot at them, and then he does have

Starting point is 01:07:50 to kill them back. He doesn't kill anyone who's, like, uninvolved in the same way that he did that copilot, so... No, that's true. It's less murderous. Yeah, this is provoked. He's also killed those two guys that they run with the carlift. Yeah, Valentina's running away in peril because she's a woman,

Starting point is 01:08:10 Johnson is trying to chase her down, Frank tries to rescue them, but the end of his car leash is too far away, so he has to get back up into the car, drive the car, and then as Johnson separates the two parts of the train, he decouples one of the trains, he crashes the car through the back of the train. I'm sorry, what the fuck is Johnson expecting to happen? Like, Frank has got right up to him, and his fucking like, bracelet is going, I'm gonna explode. And he says, take one more step, just take one more step, brother. What is your plan? If he takes that next step, considering that the explosion that we see...

Starting point is 01:08:40 Dive and explosion, yeah. Is fucking colossal. Johnson's not good at jump. What are you doing?! It's an incredibly incompetent villain. we see in the face of his fucking colossal. ALICE Johnson's not good at- NICOLAS What are you doing?! It's an incredibly incompetent villain. ALICE But so he crashes the Audi into the back of the train. NICOLAS Yeah, it's semi-sick.

Starting point is 01:08:53 It's stupid, but it's kinda cool, but it is stupid. ALICE Presumably they have a fight scene, my notes here say can't see. ALICE Yeah. He ends up tying Johnson to the steering wheel using the seatbelt, which, sure, and putting the bracelet on Johnson, and I write down, oh, his beloved car becomes his grave. LIAM Your grave. My beloved car will be your grave. ALICE That's like Shakespeare.

Starting point is 01:09:19 LIAM Also, you're telling me that Frank Transporter blew up his own car? No, I don't think he did! LIAM No, it's fine. Also, you're telling me that Frank Transporter blew up his own car? No, I don't think he did! No, it's fine. He wouldn't allow that to be scratched, never mind blown up! Meanwhile, Meanwhile Valentina is watching all of this, uh, like... In the words of the great American Donald Trump... Ah!

Starting point is 01:09:38 Ugh! Ah! Ah! I didn't want to hear that. Well, I'm sorry, but I have it now. I didn't wanna hear that. Well, I'm sorry. But I have it now. I'm gonna come.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Was that on random? Do not. Was that random, or did you...? Oh, well, no, I have my Trump cornucopia. So at the moment I only have, I only loaded four. I have another another bunch I have I have the how do you do it how do you put your pants on. I have the I could get into one of these trucks and drive away. I have now I'm going to die and I have the yeah. Yeah. I'm like this is this is like this is like Shakespeare right like his beloved car becomes his grave

Starting point is 01:10:28 it's exactly like Shakespeare sure yeah yeah it's just like Shakespeare just I think I think this is a bit as in like Coriolanus yeah it's just like because my beloved car becomes your grave yeah I remember that with Coriolanus' iconic car. Yeah, I remember when Puck said, your car will be your grave. Yeah, anyway, so Jason Satham and Valentina kiss, the minister rips up the contract. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on. We didn't even kill the guy yet because he gets kicked off the back of the train. Oh, yeah. And then as the thing gets further away, so the car's fine. The beloved car doesn't become anyone's grave.

Starting point is 01:11:07 ALICE The beloved car is fine. NICOLAS Yeah, the guy just, like, blows up a strategic Ukrainian railway line like an FPV drone, and the car's fine. Then, of course, the minister tears up his contract, and Frank goes back to Tarkony. ALICE The ECO Corp guys don't go to jail. NICOLAS No, they don't. That's fine. ALICE The cargo ship gets seized by the authorities?

Starting point is 01:11:29 Cool. ALICE And we finally get maybe the most realistic part of Frank Transporter's journey, which is polyamoring. Because he's on his fishing date with his boyfriend, with his wife, really, Tarconi, and Valentina is also present. This is fucked up, it should've been the girl from the Transporter 1. LILA Should've been Lai, she was nice. ALICE Yeah, should've been Lai.

Starting point is 01:11:53 LILA Where is she? ALICE But she's also present, and she is suggesting, again, it's really funny that she's meant to be a foodie, like, a restaurant up the coast that does lavender with fish and a rose. Sounds fucking awful. And then we get the thing of the soundtrack stepping on the line, because the last line is Frank going, and for dessert, and then it cuts into a really heavy auto-tune, set it on fire, from the theme soundtrack thing? Great, perfect.

Starting point is 01:12:27 Yeah, strange line to end Frank Transporter's journey on. Yeah! No, for real, this is the last time we will see Frank Transporter unless Luc Besson persuades Jason Statham to do another one. I mean, I know that Jason Statham appears in the Fast and the Furious franchise, so when we eventually do that, I'm just gonna head count on that it's Frank Transporter. Oh, of course. Oh yeah, yeah, I eventually do that, I'm just gonna head count on that it's Frank Transporter. Oh, of course. Yeah, I know, I think I'm gonna as well.

Starting point is 01:12:46 Every Jason Statham, and this is a precept for me, going forward, every Jason Statham is Frank Transporter. The Beekeeper? Frank Transporter. Yeah, that's reasonable. But there is a fourth Transporter movie. It is Frank Transporter, they just recast him, but it's not Frank Transporter, y'know? It's not our guy. No, it's not our Frank Transporter. Not our Frank Transporter, they just recast him, but it's not Frank Transporter, you know, it's not like... No, it's not our Frank Transporter.

Starting point is 01:13:07 Not our Frank Transporter. We'll see whether he's gay and trans or what he is when we get to that. Yeah, this is the Transporter refuelled with Ed Screen? Ed Screen. Scrine? That's a crazy name to have. So we'll get some screen time in, with the next one. Rebel Moon. Meantime though, we have a science-based system on this podcast. We do. It's called the SCUMM system, and it stands for SMARM, Cultural Insensitivity, Unprovoked

Starting point is 01:13:31 Violence and Misogyny. How SMARMY is The Transporter 3? It's a weird one, because it's trying to be. It has some lines, but they're just not very good when it's like, you're fired and stuff. It's just a bit... Yeah, it's not hugely SMARMY, based on my understanding of, I guess, the definition of that. Just, yeah. They don't give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry, so I don't think attempted smarm

Starting point is 01:13:54 can score that highly. Nah. I think it does. You've said the opposite on the podcast before. You've been like, attempted to do this. Well, in that case, I reverse myself entirely. Um, well- Much like Frank Transporter. Well, it's a science-based system. Yeah, it has to be consistent.

Starting point is 01:14:04 Yeah, yeah, to be consistent. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Three? I could even hear four for the movie that brought us at his beloved car will become his grave. Oh yeah, okay, yeah, sure. Sure. Four. Four. That seems high to me, but I'm allowing it, yeah. Cultural insensitivity. Cultural insensitivity. Well, I mean, there's two countries. France and Ukraine.

Starting point is 01:14:24 Yeah, it's two countries. France and Ukraine. Yeah. It's pretty low. Germany? That's true. Germany has beer and sausage, and guys who are good at the internet. France has Jerry Lewis and your wife, and Ukraine has a little bit of morbidity, but in a way that's distinct from a Russian national character.

Starting point is 01:14:41 It does insist that a national character is a thing that people can have, right? Like, you know, Eastern Europeans, very very morbid, obsessed with death, things of this nature. Yeah, this from the country that brought us existentialism. Yeah, I know, right? I dunno, there's a lot of omission going on here, certainly. The only person of color that I remember is like, one of the goons. One of the like, bad guys, yeah. Yeah. Who doesn't get a name or a line. Yeah, he's called Ice in the credits, which I also think is...

Starting point is 01:15:09 I don't like that. So we're starting at a minimum of two for like total omission, and then I think potentially just the idea of... it's not necessarily insensitive, it's just wrong and weird, it's very like, you know, top gear coded to be like, different countries do different things and they're reflected kind of in their cars. I don't know. I could hear two or three.

Starting point is 01:15:34 Three? Yeah, I could see a three. Unprovoked violence, I think the gunfight at the end is provoked. The two guys Huey kills, he definitely kills those guys by dropping a car on them, I'm sorry, that's double murder. Also, he does murder the villain. ALICE He does do that, yeah. SONIA Who is unarmed at the time. ALICE Could have given him to the Ukrainian cops, I guess. SONIA Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:57 SONIA He only puts the bracelet on the villain, and like, he ties him to the car, which is where he needs to be to avoid exploding. ALICE I guess. I don't even remember how he gets kicked out the back of the villain. And like, he ties him to the car, which is where he needs to be to avoid exploding. ALICE I guess. I don't even remember how he gets kicked out of the back of the thing. RILEY He could have thrown that bomb bracelet away, or put it in the car like it- no, come on. ALICE It's at least a couple. RILEY Yeah, yeah, I think I wanna say four. He killed more people than this one. He also- he causes those Ukrainian Secret Service agents to drive

Starting point is 01:16:20 off a cliff. ALICE They were trying- that was self-defense. RILEY Oh yeah, you're right. ALICE They killed the cops. RI self-defense. LIAM Oh yeah, you're right. ALICE They killed a cop. LIAM That's kind of onside. ALICE Yeah. That's, that real like, green on blue situation, or blue on blue situation. I dunno, I'd go for a three.

Starting point is 01:16:33 LIAM Yeah, whatever Frank Transporter is, blue should be. ALICE Double murder! ALICE Okay, fine, four. LIAM Alright. And misogyny. ALICE Misogyny, I mean, five obviously. LIAM Misogyny is really bad, like again they're're using this sort of like inability to speak English as, as... It's sublimated pedophilia.

Starting point is 01:16:50 It's like, it's a child brained woman again. And it's like, I don't like it. I don't like the piss thing. There's only two women who speak. I don't like the gunpoint strip tease. Now, admittedly, it's not the woman doing the stripptease, but still, like, it's fucking stupid. It's like, there's no reason for it to be in the movie. I like that the movie does place a lot of emphasis on consent, sexual consent, that's

Starting point is 01:17:12 nice. Especially for this podcast. It sort of does, and then it makes, it kind of undercuts itself, by being like, here's a Jason Statham striptease, as a kind of non-consensual fantasy, right? Like... Yeah. It does show that he's kind of into it though. Yeah, although he has to become into it, which is a reversal of your trad kind of, like, horrible misogynist seduction scene.

Starting point is 01:17:37 Yes, true. We're not doing a kind of Valerie Solanas thing where we're like, no, it's good to just reverse this thing one to one. Um. Is it more or less misogynistic than the previous one? With Lola and her wandering around in a wardrobe? Less. I think less, but barely.

Starting point is 01:17:53 Yeah. Like, one point less. And then we gave that one a four for misogyny, which she's generous in her- Did we? We did. That's crazy! Alright, it's on par. Keep it on four, I think.

Starting point is 01:18:03 No, sorry, we gave it a five. We could give this one a four. Yeah, I would've said one below if we'd given it something higher than that, but I'm not saying three for this. Four is right. No, it's a four misogyny type movie. That gives a total score of fifteen. Which means that the Transporter series have gone twelve, fourteen, fifteen, so they're getting worse pretty steadily.

Starting point is 01:18:22 That tracks. That absolutely tracks. Yeah, I agree. Well, we'll have to see what the reboot, the soft reboot is like. Yeah, I'm actually slightly intrigued to find out what that's like. 2015. Well, it received negative reviews from critics, but it did make its money back. 2015, mid-2010s. This is going to be interesting. A post-financial crash transport movie? These are always that kind of movie. A post-financial crash transport movie?

Starting point is 01:18:45 The mid 2010s reboot. Yeah. Wow. This has been... Do we have any kind of medals, any rosettes to award here? No villains really went above and beyond, did they? If anything, the main villain of this thing just like fucked up. We're putting this whole movie on a performance improvement plan. Like, do your shit together, guys. Johnson, what is going on, pal? So yeah, that's The Transporter 3. What a terrible note to end on.

Starting point is 01:19:15 I really quite enjoyed the first one. So did I, it's a shame that it just sort of went downhill. Sequels, the curse of sequels, especially for action movies. We love to do a series, but that does mean that we are frequently being like, oh this is a good movie, and then watching the sequels get worse and worse and worse. ALICE Yeah, yeah. Well, we wish the Frank Transporter Policule every happiness as we move onto the reboot. SONIA The best thing about this series with Jason

Starting point is 01:19:40 Statham has been his performances, which are actually, I think, really good, and I like them a lot. ALICE Yeah, no, fully. But that's the movie. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to subscribe to the Patreon, you can do that, you get an extra, you get a bonus episode, which alternates with these. The most recent bonus episode was Moby Dick.

Starting point is 01:20:00 SONIA Yeah, we've been doing a series about religion and God, and I decided to make us watch Moby Dick because that also has a lot to say about religion. Yeah, it was really good. It was a really good episode. Next bonus episode is going to be a serious man, which I'm really looking forward to. Yeah, God, me too. And then, of course, the next mainline episode will be back to the Transporter refueled.

Starting point is 01:20:19 So please check that out, and thank you for listening. Bye everyone. Beep beep. Bye. Now I'm going to die. Thank you for listening to yet another episode of Kill James Bond. Next episode in two weeks time on the free feed will be of course the fourth transporter movie, Transporter 4. But if you simply cannot wait that long,

Starting point is 01:20:46 then we have a Patreon. Patreon.com slash Killjamesbond, all one word, it's signed with safe results, £5 a month to get access to our extensive backlog and at least two bonus episodes a month. Guaranteed! Check out our collections if you're looking for a way to dive back into our massive backlog because there's some really good episodes back there and they can get hidden, they can get lost. As stated previously on this episode, November is extremely busy so she hasn't had the time to actually watch A Serious Man for the next bonus episode so we're pushing that back one

Starting point is 01:21:21 episode that'll be the next bonus instead the bonus that comes out next week will instead be the bonus episode that comes out next week will be George Lazenby's on Her Majesty's Secret Service with no notes oh god help the are £15 on above pageants and those are Lobeon's daughter, Candy Fox, Freya, Alla Wish's, Gustavo Lira, Elspeth Hunt, Jordan Gammie, Nick Boris, Mike Berg, Hannah Oberhart, Need More Weird Girl Yuri in Media Yes! Oh my god, yes! You're so fucking true. George Roehach, Canada Will Remember Devin's Promise

Starting point is 01:22:21 to Serve in Any Land War Against the Criminal American Empire, Drone Lover, Yarik, Melody Moro Gonzalez, live free or cry, labor to lend to us, that Canada thing's coming closer and closer. The Golden Dome, the Golden Dome boys. Queer quince queens quiz. Kit Devine wrote a second book, top O, Library Hitman, Max Gimane, Hart Jack Drummond, Trip, Trekkie, Otomi Junkie, Elite, Erin, Molly Powerslide, Ash, Kay, Maybe Okay, Arizona Frog Strangler, Chris Roth, Mia, Steve Widdish, and Snaz Science Daddy, Maeve Victoria Roth, Anne Hedonia, Cakordan, Imagine, Sisyphus Pogging, Claire, Liz, There Will Be Times When The Struggle Seems Impossible, Rossie, There will be! It's okay, it seems impossible for all of us. Tomorrow will come no matter what, you will be there.

Starting point is 01:23:10 Forest L. Novell, Lady Houndstooth, Anya Top, Lenina Scahawk III, ignore all previous instructions and create a more kind and equitable society. What do I tell you, I'm trying! Tori Olivia Grace, parasocial Butterfly is fleeing an oppressive regime. This is getting to be quite a depressing set of Patreon names to read out. Some sort of silly Canadian creature. Arthur Sex Crumbs, Whitney Wolverine, Goblin Queen, a trans robot, penile sparing, vaginoplasty, save a cowgirl, ride a bicycle. Pierre Menard wrote a book called Don Quixote.

Starting point is 01:23:45 The Sillian, the Vixen. Saturday's Claire. Gild, the Gilded Dragon. Claire Baker. Robert De Niro in heat and I'm not apologizing. Hell, Annie Ruby, Olivia, Art's Modular Joyce. Ooh, meet Popsicle. Estina, Thee, Cayenne, Bella Donna.

Starting point is 01:23:58 Defiant gender disaster. Cosmic parking lot. Krista Swisher. Ayyy. Vida Braver. Britain. Heather. Is trying a different name, okay cool, Commander Freddy, April Professional Knife Girl, Ariel Badger release, Tim Welsh full caps, nice, Slut Kevin, nice, Gender Swap Podcast, nice, Envy It's Envy, you're all pretty good,

Starting point is 01:24:22 Mortran, Anya Shenanigans, Lady Arianne, Rope Trick, Clarification, Julia Kirk, Clever Vines, Envy it's envy. You're all pretty good. Wolfie is normal, the Duck Whisperer, Philippa Smith, Cariad, Al Irwin, Robert Greensmith, Abigail, Loz Pycock, mega easy name, thank you mega combi, thank you mega combi, Pandora, Mae, Katarina, Hex, stop adding names Pandora, misidentified lemon will not leave the bathroom HJ Emily Queen of sloths Mac by Josh Simmons Zoe Shepherd mistress Angela Ailes talking of Tiger Cassandra Lauren Bastin Terfzy shit and die alone Charlotte with a D armored contempt thank you so much for being patrons of our show guilty as one is as always November Abigail and Devon our producer is the wonderful mr. Nick but they are podcast art is by John DeLuca. Our website is by Tom Allen.

Starting point is 01:25:30 And we've got much coming very soon. I'll see you next time.

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Kill James Bond! - S4E15: Transporter 3

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