Kill James Bond! - S4E20: Topkapi

Episode Date: August 8, 2025

A round half a year ago, when our transition from Eurospy to Heist was written in stone, many of our beautiful listeners told us that a perfect film to smooth that boundary would be the 1964 euroheist caper Topkapi. And on this occasion we really need to hand it to you. You were spot on. This has everything we love: montages of ordinary civilians who 100% did not consent to being filmed; a team with a profoundly polycular bent; and of course, guys we've seen before. ----- We've been nominated for Podcast of the Year at the ITV bCreator Awards! It’s public vote, so vote for us here under “creator shortlist”. should take about a minute, you don’t have to live in Britain to vote! www.bcreator.co.uk/awards/ ----- Check out friend of the show Mattie's new book Simplicity here, or wherever fine graphic novels are sold! ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. In our home, we talk a lot about how insane everything feels, and agonise constantly over what can be done to best help the Palestinians trapped in Gaza facing the full brunt of genocidal violence. My partner Rebecca has put together a list of four fundraisers you can contribute to- all of them are at work on the ground doing what they can. -Palestinian Communist Youth Union, which is doing a food and water effort, and is part of the official communist party of Palestine https://www.gofundme.com/f/to-preserve-whats-left-of-humanity-global-solidarity -Water is Life, a water distribution project in North Gaza affiliated with an Indigenous American organization and the Freedom Flotilla https://www.waterislifegaza.org/ -Vegetable Distribution Fund, which secured and delivers fresh veg, affiliated with Freedom Flotilla also https://www.instagram.com/linking/fundraiser?fundraiser_id=1102739514947848 -Thamra, which distributes herb and veg seedlings, repairs and maintains water infrastructure, and distributes food made with replanted veg patches https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-thamra-cultivating-resilience-in-gaza ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com , as well as on our Bluesky and X.com the every app account

Hello everyone. It's me Devon from potentially award-winning podcast Kill James Bond. And before I let you listen to this hour plus of movie-related podcastular entertainment, I need to ask you to give a little back. To do something for us. We've been nominated for the ITV BeCreater Awards podcast creator of the year. Hold your applause. And we need you to help us win it. We need you to go to becreated.com.com. forward slash awards select the category creator shortlist and then scroll down past all of these other bozos vote for us in the category podcast creator of the year and then move on with your life it'll take you just about as long to do it as it took me to describe it just then the links for all

of this will of course be in the description and all i can say is this episode is free please pay us back by giving us the opportunity to make a speech to a room full of entertainment and podcast industry gag professionals. I would like to do that quite a lot. And without further ado, give it up for the theme song to Kill James Bond. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly, I am joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devon. Hello! What's up?

When shall we three meet again? It's been... It's been a minute. I take a week off work and I suddenly get kind of imposter syndrome, performance anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder, all of these beams converge on my location at once, and I think, fuck, I don't know how to record a podcast anymore. So it's going to be an interesting experience, me figuring out whether or not that's true. No worries. I've got an immediate follow-up on why I wasn't here last week, by the way. You said that I was hit in Transpride with 12

of God's own sheets of film. I believe the whole time I was there that I had 12. I got home to, I got home to develop them all and I realized that I had not loaded half of the film holders and I had just been firing blanks all day. Fuck, to the two insanely, like, dripped out goths. I don't have it. I'm so sorry. It was such a good photo. Oh, no.

Photography is so brutal. I mean, I had the exact same thing with a pressure plate in my pentacon, like, slipped, and I shot what I thought were three rolls of medium format wasn't even advancing. So... I did that on my hot trip to Chicago for the first time. I got, like, two photos out of it. Amazing. Welcome to photograph James Bond.

It sucks. Try digital. But so, excuse your phone. This is a movie that we've been recommended many, many times. Ever since like we kind of announced robbery season, even people were saying, this is a natural bridge from Eurospy season. This movie, Top Kappa.

And I'm like, yes, absolutely. I'll get round to that. And further to previous discussions of neurodivergence, if you see, say something to me that requires an action from me relatively quickly, the process, the workflow that I'm going to go through there is I'm going to worry over that for about, let's conservatively say, 14 weeks, 20 weeks, and then you'll receive an answer. And so what would have been, in fact, you know, because the sort of people writing them were right, well, would have been a perfect bridge from Euro spy. Genuinely, it would have been a phenomenal

bridge. Yeah, they actually were spitting when they said that to us. I have the opposite. I have The opposite neurodivergence, which is if you tell me that I need to do something that requires an action from me, I did that a month ago. It's done. I've already watched a top cup. That's a way more convenient form of neurodivergence to have, I will say. Yeah, is it any way I can jump rails to that one because that would fucking sort me out? Not that any of us are neurodiversion, of course, because if we were, the NHS might take our

healthcare away, but, you know, officially none of us are. Of course. None of us have ever experienced any kind of mental health symptoms of any kind. being neurotypical. Yeah. So, so we're all. So,

neurotypical greetings from our podcast to yours. But so this, this movie is very much like a kind of Euro caper movie. And we've kind of seen things like that in Euro spy season that was slipping out of the spy bit and into the heist bit. And so this was, this was just straightforwardly a really fun movie as well.

I've really enjoyed it. Well, we also start with a, with a James Bond opening theme song and some, some bright colors and dots like Doctor No. It's quite a baffling sequence. It is, yeah. As a woman introduces herself to us as Elizabeth Lipp, a thief,

who is going to steal this jeweling crust of this emerald-handled dagger out of the Top Kappa Palace in Istanbul, which is like used to be Ottoman Palace is now full of all of their old stuff. and this one dagger in particular, she really, really likes it, she wants it, and she's gonna take it. Yeah, she absolutely is.

Emeralds make her come, that's a huge part of it. They make that explicit and textual later in the movie. She says of this dagger it excites her physically like a man does, right? Also, as she says this,

there's a bunch of bisexual lighting. The lighting and the opening of this movie just goes fucking crazy, I think because they're like, oh shit, we can make movies in color now. Let's use all of them. It's quite difficult to talk about the visuals of this movie because on the one hand, they're very striking.

It's very kind of like paintbox, kind of, you know, lots of bright colors. On the other hand, I couldn't fucking see because... Yeah, yeah, me too. Part of the reason why I picked this is bereft over the loss of my boy Jason Statham. I was like, all right, fine. I'll do like a movie people have been asking for. It's on Prime anyway. It's been like sort of recommended to me on Prime.

Let's just do that. It left Prime the day before I would have watched it. Fuck you, Jeff Bezos, they should have left you in space. I had to watch this. I had to watch this on steelmovies.R.U. Exactly. I've pirated this with 140 of God's own feet. That's as many as you need.

I watched it from the fucking Lego dimension. I don't care because my brain, I can just I and T.J. Things in. But anyway, speaking of striking visuals. No, I don't want to move things on. I want to keep on this for a bit because. Yeah, yeah. So I was seeing one pixel.

but the pixel was beautifully colored which, you know, this too is Adverse Conditions Film Club. In fact, this is like emblematic of it, right? And I missed this. It's been a while since we saw the kind of movie that you can only see by going to a site that once you go there, your hard drive starts making

funny noises and you're mining Bitcoin for some guys in Siberia and you don't even know about it. And you get that advert that's like, save me, my lord, and it's like hunt battle or whatever the fuck that advert is. Yeah, adverse conditions movie club, baby. I watched this in 480 of God's own pixels on a Russian website uploaded by a guy called Hector Ponturo in 2019 with

1,200 views. Thank you, Hector. Shouts out to you, Hector. You saved the podcast today. Truly, Troy's greatest warrior. This is why, I mean, you know it's bad when the subtitles are like, give it, have ads in them. And mine, mine also did. So, so this lady introduces us up, she says, advertise anything here, open subtitles.com. And she says, her name is Elizabeth. And speaking of striking visuals and beauty, this woman reminded me quite strongly of your wife, Nerva.

Interesting. Yeah, there is something... I didn't get this. I'm honest. She's older than your wife and not as good looking, but... Something of the Gwen about her. Yeah, I was wondering why I was so drawn to her. Mm-hmm.

But yeah, it's the white hair. It's the white hair and the kind of like the sensual feline nature. It's very, mm, it's very sexy. Interesting. Thank you for mentioning my wife's... central feline nature. My wife has got a beautiful sensual feline nature as well.

Sorry, I want that on the record. Sorry. All of our wives have beautiful, sensual. No, no. I'm not married. I'm talking about your wife. I'm not like, I'm like, and your wife's pretty cute too.

Trying to plot to kill November and take her wife. I need her for the podcast. We have to explain at this point to retain listenership that we're all single and saving ourselves for the listener. That is true. So, yeah. The other thing is it's apse that the subtitles are kind of promotional at this point

because this is the bit of the movie that is in itself an advert, right? Because as is the thing with a lot of movies of the 60s with like what were then considered like exotic destinations and I'm doing air quotes. So I, to show that I disagree with it. They were kind of intended to promote the concept of like tourism and you could fly to these places suddenly if you had enough money to do it. That makes sense. It's like when they went to St. James Bond to Japan and they're like,

yo, if you heard of Japan, they've got a whole Japan over there now. Yeah. And now multiple montages of just things that are in Japan. Yeah. And that's how you can get like the Turkish tourist board or whatever to kick in some funding or make it easier for you to film there or whatever and get you access to all of the like cultural stuff as you'd be like, we're going to steal this jewel dagger from maybe one of the coolest museums in the world.

Here's some promo for the museum It's full of like incredible stuff Right So that's why you get the kind of That's why it opens with the like Tom Scott voice I am here in Turkey Right But I do like this as a highest thing

Of giving you the stakes right up front And it's not just a Oh it's important because it's valuable Right like or it's famous It's no she wants this because it makes her horny Right these jewels specifically We zoom in on one particular emerald And she's like

Yeah I love this fucking emerald This is the best emerald There's a knife here, it's got four emeralds, let me tell you, I like the emeralds, I like the knife. I'm gonna get a really heavy Vajazzle out of those. Doing killers of the flower moon, but it's I do love them emeralds, sir. So... Then we cut to Paris. Yes, where two men are walking arm in arm, and one of them stops a cop to ask for directions.

And the guy stopping the cop and asking for directions is Maximilian Shell. shell the guy from uh you've you've an incredibly handsome man you've seen him in from judgment at nuremberg you've seen him in a bridge too far yes that's what i've seen him he he played a bunch of nazis he played a bunch of anti-nazis because he was a swiss actor of that generation so he had to do like equal numbers yeah yeah yeah and he was like six foot two and like had this incredible jawline frankly he's very good looking he's very good looking i had a massive like crush on him throughout the whole movie, the specter of, like, bisexuality rears its head again. Yeah, kind of me too, actually.

It's the fits in this as well. Like, if you've seen, there was, um, uh, I want to say Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Gosling Netflix, uh, like, espionage joint that wasn't good at all, that had a lot of like menswear in it and it was kind of biting this kind of menswear in this, right? Anyway, Maximilian Shell, huge fan, massive crush, never been so disappointed to read the word allegations as a heading on a Wikipedia page I'm so sorry I thought we should get that up

up front before we talk about how badly we all want to suck him off okay yeah maybe not then yeah but when they turn around and say thank you very much officer and like wave goodbye to him it turns out Maximilian Schell has a gun in his hand which is a nice little reveal what's in the other hand

it's a little glass of port he has a little glass of port in his other hand while he's just genteelly kidnapping this guy and robbing him I mean he eventually like he puts him in a cab and in order to put him in the cab he like stows the gun in the sort of handle and the guy reaches for it and he just kind of casually like slaps his hand away yeah he's like this is more bond-like than some bonds it is yeah i would venture to suggest yeah it's very cool right then he tells the taxi

where to go and then tosses the gun inside they didn't used to have like safeties for that either you could have just killed that guy she just blown that guy's dick right up yeah still could if it was a sig sore elizabeth elizabeth is here to recruit this man, Walter, whom she knows of old. She appears in a maxy-length, all-white outfit, and I think there's a white fur show too, devastatingly sexy. But she's like, up to your old tricks, Walter? I can't do the voice, but she has a very sexy voice.

It's a real shame that they don't let evil women wear fur anymore. Like, even for the evil woman that is now sort of like a step too far, and I think that's a grave shame, you know? We used to have the, we used to have Crewella DeVilles in this country and now we don't. My opinions on fair have been made known on the podcast before. But she says, would you like to, would you like to come and do a crime and also in my pussy? And he's like, yes, I would for old times sake, like to come both of those things. Yeah, she does ask whether it's business or pleasure. And she's like, well, you know, both. It's me. Yeah. It's both. It's a knife, but the knife his pleasure.

She's into a knife play. Yes. He gets the briefing in her Immaculous apartment. She's got a bunch of illustrations and models of the dagger, which I thought was just a fun affectation, but we'll find out later

actually says a very important purpose. But he's the thief, or like, he's like the planner, essentially. Yeah, yeah. And he has three rules, right? Like the transporter, plan meticulously, execute cleanly

and don't get caught before, during, or after. And at this point, I'm very taken with this. This is delightful. I'm 100% locked in on this movie at this point. Yeah. He's like, listen, the second we steal this, the cops of the world are going to unite against us.

Like, we're going to need people who they don't have files on. We need amateurs to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need people without jackets. It's like, okay, fine. So then they throw their champagne away and then fuck, which I love. Waste of champagne, but fine.

So the next bit's going to be in assembling the team montage before it was even really a thing. I was going to say, very diabolic. Very diabolic, that's what I was going to say. I do like that he even uses the phrase policeman of the world unite. Yeah, that's funny.

Nothing to lose. Your fucking politics. We're putting together a team. What are we going to need? We're going to need a British pervert. That's right, because... 100%. The next shot is a kind of terrible.

terrifying taxidermade cat automaton shuffling hellishly across a floor. It's fucking dead space monstrosity. And Walter's like... Amherst for this thing. I brought you to the man who made this terrifying cat automaton. He's the best cat automaton guy we've got. He's also a sexual deviant. Operation Robert failed?

Robert Morley here playing Cedric Page. our pervert for the movie. He's not really giving it the full pervert. He's just giving it a little kind of like... It's a little bit gay, but that's about as pervy as he makes it. And I don't want to suggest that those two things are co-located

intrinsically, merely in the minds of the 1960s film writer. Definitely. He has all these clockwork gadgets. He's like Willy Wonka for clockwork. He's got all these kinds of gadgets around his house. That's not what I clocked him as.

What I clocked him as was the second he's like, oh, here's my tea tray that, like, moves itself. I'm like, this is posh Wallace. This motherfucker is Wallace. Yes. All right.

Yeah, okay. I dread to think what he did to the corpse of Gromit. Well, I mean, replacing Gromit with, like, a robot has been one of, like, normal working class. Wallace's sort of, like, things for a long time, right? He's always seeking to do that. But so I was... You're trying to automate Gromit? Yeah.

It's just all the fixed capital that's bound to. up in the Mecca Gromit. I was one of the most vindicated people alive because I looked up this movie on Wikipedia after I saw it and I saw that Peter Salas, the voice of Wallace, was like, yeah, it's a Wallace and Gromit movie. The wrong trousers is based on it. What more do you want me to say? I crisping potato snacks, the existence of a Wallace and Gromit top cap of a connection.

Amazing. You have to say, were the best to ever do it. So anyway, Posh Wallace. I genuinely believe that. No, I was just out. I've been like, this guy's like the British Kirin Jindosh from Dishonor 2. This guy's a clockwork mansion, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what I was there for. He's like, all right, here's the problem. The whole museum is alarmed with like a pressure plate. And we're going to do a bunch of bits about this that require some really finicky audio editing. So he's like, he's got an example bit of flaw. He's hooked it up to a pressure sensor and a tape deck that's going to blast like, I don't know, like, Batehoven's. 9th, whatever the fuck.

Yeah. And he has, Elizabeth, test it sexually. Like, oh, just step on it a bit, brackets horny. And she, of course, triggers the thing. And he's like, it's so sensitive. I can bounce a ping pong ball off of it. And it will trigger when it hits it. And you get the kind of audio cutting out for it.

It's funny. It's cute. Fun gag. Yeah. So the trick is not to touch the floor. So he says, we're going to have to do it like Mission Impossible One. But the trouble is Mission Impossible One won't be made for another 30 years and it's going to end up ripping us off, so we have to do it like us.

Yeah, it's sort of a grandfather paradox in that sense. Yeah. Yeah. Carving the script of Mission Impossible One into my own arm. So they're gonna need two men. Giulio and Hans, and the base Euro vibes are only increasing. Julia is acrobat, the human flying. And then Hans, big guy.

They call him that because he needs to use his hands. Like, he's the Hans guy. Yeah. And we're also going to need one other guy. A Patsy. We need a dipship. Yeah. Yeah, just to make things interesting.

Valve softwares meet the dipshit. Like, actually, the word they keep using... The word they keep using to describe him is Schmo, which is really funny if you've seen a particular YouTube edit of Toy Story. I have, actually. Well, though, that's a good... Thank you. They're called Schmoh.

This is Peter Eustenoff. It fucking is and all. One of the best to ever do it. We love Peter Eustinoff. Peter Eustinoff, who is working in, like, is this kind of border port town in Greece as a, like, a short con artist and tour guide, presenting himself as a historian, kind of dining out on Englishness. This performance is so fucking good. It's kind of like, the only actor who I think are live now who could possibly approach a performance like this would be Tom Hardy, who's, who he's, who's, he's. It's got that kind of like, weirdly bumbling, but also energetic and like, oh, I feel sorry

for you. You're a bit of a shaggy dog, but also you're clearly like a fucking creep and a con artist. Like, it's a really, really good complex layered performance. I love it. We see him steal the like miniature sort of RAF pilot wings out of somebody's luggage and like put them on his lapel to try and lend himself a bit more respectability. And he tries to kind of like hustle tourists with this kind of blustery. love this kind of thing as he's putting it on.

The English put a lot of stock in this. We see the hustle is getting less and less well, well, like, well. He's got a little, like, plate that he's like, this is an archaeological find. I just found. I'm an archaeologist. And, like, he's just walking up with, like, tourists, and they keep, like, blowing him off. So he'll turn around and just start walking next to the next tourist and be like, hey, I'm fucking, I got this plate. You want a plate?

They get less and less convincing, too, to the point where at the end, he's trying to sell, like, dirty postcards to a sailor and he can't even do that. So when he, right, hit the last one, he just like goes up to a guy who goes, I'm cheap and the guy goes, no. Yeah, the portrait of like failure. And so he runs into Walter and Elizabeth

who are pulling like, we are rich tourists on vacation. We saw you from across Europe and we like your vibe. It's interesting that you mentioned this because the whole heist crew ends up acquiring quite a pellicular character over the course of this. This is definitely true. Not least because Elizabeth wants to fuck everyone. And Walter and both she and Walter are like the horniest for each other.

Any two people have ever been. Elizabeth's sexual feel like nature. Yeah. In a very kind of like loafers, no socks European kind of way, if you follow me. Like a lot of very tight polo shirts. Anyway, they sort of like approach Peter U.S. enough with a kind of job offer. and Walter's like Meet Me at the Yacht Club later

which leads to one of my favorite lines in the thing where he goes to his like Greek compatriot who is helping him hustle and says Off home now girl and I am the tie And then we see him in the next scene He's got a tie on it's really Yeah the tie This guy's character's name is Arthur Simpson

Which means that every time anyone addresses him by surname Which is always you will be thinking of the like Homer Simpson scream Mr. Simpson Which he kind of is a bit Homer-like in this A little bit, yeah But later at the lot of the Yacht Club

There's a Lincoln Continental parked outside It's kind of quite nice convertible And Walter says when Simpson rocks up He's like, hey, I will give you $100 To drive that across the border to Istanbul To this particular hotel No questions asked, don't fuck it up Yeah, to deliver it to a guy called

Mr. Plimpton And you, like I will know if you steal the car and Simpson is very obsequious, right? He calls him Sir a lot and he's kind of like obviously very nervous about this, but he takes the money in advance and he agrees to drive it into Turkey. And he does, now, I mean, so Walter does check like, oh, there's no problems with like your passport or anything.

And Simpson's like, no, no, of course not, you know, a very blustering way, drives to the Turkish border, gets stopped by the Turkish customs, they search the car. And then they go, why do you have an Egyptian passport? He spins them this incredible yarn, which we at the audience, I clearly know is bullshit. He's like, oh, I was, technically I was born in Egypt, but it's this very sort of like Boris Johnson quality. He was like, I was born in Egypt, but my father was in the army, my mother was Egyptian. I identify as British. My father was a colonel, of course, but you know how it did.

And he just spins them this kind of like, Taylor bullshit. At which point they're like, well, okay. your passport's expired, which we do take a dim view of here. And B, this car is full of guns and grenades, which we're taking an even dimmer view of here. So good. At the, like, when he's got stolt the first time, it's so good. He goes, like, I know someone who's going to have a problem with this. Me. He at one point, like, gestures towards the pilot's wings and then doesn't even really commit to it. Like, his whole, his whole manner kind of changes after they find that it can see it within one of the door panels is a rifle and a bunch of grenades.

It's like smoke grenades and he, he, in disbelief, picks one up out of the door of the car. Obviously, all the border guards are like, oh, fuck, he's got a grenade. I like panic. He then panics and drops it and sets it off and ends up fucking gassing everyone. Shout out to sometime friend, sometime enemy of the show, gas returning in a sort of like character role. So one of the Turkish border guards pulls a gun on him as like,

Mefkufs. And he's like, what does that mean? And it's like, you're nicked, right? You are under arrest. Yeah, that's Turkish for your nicked mate. Yeah. So the next- Security are in the building, you're going to Turkish prison.

He is going to Turkish prison. Well, he goes to Turkish interrogation room, which is a beautiful, beautiful setting because what that is is just a parade of being introduced to more incredibly Turkish men. Yeah. specifically the guy the major who's in charge of this operation looks like Turkish Brandon Rogers

and he's like he's there with his like sunglasses and his very slick packed hair and his black suit he looks like he's in the men in black and the question that they ask him which I fucking love and I wish we had a drop of

was when did you join the Sigma group when did you get chopped yeah a classic do your parents know your gay question When did you stop cheating on your wife? Now, there's this great bit where, like, he's sat in the dark, and the door opens just a crack,

and there's this fucking Nosferatu-looking guy. It just makes eye contact with him for a second. And then the door closes again when it opens a different guy's there. I don't think that guy comes back. I don't think he does either. I think Nosephiratu just works for Turkish intelligence freakly. He just got the wrong room.

So fucking good. Oh, sorry, don't mind me. Turkish vampire. But so. Obviously, as we know, in the science of interrogation, one of the key things to do is, like, tip your hand instantly about what you're asking about and what you care about. So they're like, you're going to do terrorism with these guns to the Army Day parade that we're having in Istanbul, right? Right? And he's like, of course not.

And his affect changes again. He goes to this kind of, like, wheedling, pathetic, perhaps more truthful thing where he's like, this is ridiculous. the idea that I could be a terrorist. My dad wasn't a colonel. He was an acting sergeant. Acting unpaid sergeant. He goes, my father wasn't a colonel. I just said that to sound important. He was a sergeant. Acting sergeant. Unpaid acting sergeant. So fucking good. And he used to tell me that I was a carbuncle on the face of humanity, which is sad, right? But this is also Homer Simpson. This too is Homer Simpson in large part. They also bring up the fact that he was deported from the UK for smuggling pornography, and he has this exchange of the way he protests that it was an artistic magazine, gentlemen, you know. It's an art magazine, and they go, and the name of it was, and he's just like nude asses.

Yeah. Nud asses 500. Spunk-loving sluts. Big huge cum shots. So, just completely defeated man. So good. And so the major, because he appeals to the major. He's like, you know that I'm not a terrorist because you know I'm too pathetic.

And the major's like, all right, fine, I guess I do know that. You're going to work for us now. Yeah. You're going to go. You're going to infiltrate these people and you're going to report everything back to us with dead drops by like writing it in like, like, oh, empty cigarette packets. And we're going to follow you around all the time. And when you drop one of these cigarette packets, we're going to pick it up and we're going to read it and we're going to know. And they, they put him back in the car.

There's a really fun shot with a car used enough and the major are all on a turntable and along with the camera and it's getting like it's turning with the car and it's like you have to stop I'm getting dizzy which is really good but yeah so he he and we go to and we go to

we go to Istanbul city of people who did not consent to be filmed I mean listen it's in public Photon's already been in the camera you know it's in the 60s you didn't even have to ask just get a lot of members of the Turkish public looking at the camera like what the fuck you do?

I mean, including one guy who's shining a watermelon. Great, love that guy. Which is funny because this is the, whoa, check out the turkey montage, right? Yeah. In the sense of like, like, OSS Sondy set driving through Bangkok or like James Bond in Tokyo, right, of being like, wow, it's really nice here. You could take your next holiday in Istanbul. I think we did this same montage with the adventures of Tony Mercedes. We did.

That man in Istanbul. Yeah. Yeah, Tony Mercedes was also in Istanbul. Tony Waltises was in Istanbul and then we saw a lot of like... Yeah. Yeah, footage of Istanbul. It's the same again. So he goes to the hotel to drop off the car and Cedric, the English pervert, is waiting there

for him. He picks up the car, he pays him, and so our boy is just about to leave. And the Turks have to finagle it, so he gets stopped by like a traffic police. by like a traffic policeman being like, oh, sorry, actually only the guy who drove this car across the border can drive this car. So you have to get Simpson back to drive the car, which they do. That means he's along for the right. He's in the crew.

You have to put him in your plan. He's crew adjacent at the very least. And the rest of the crew are chilling at a villa. Hans is extremely irritable and he's annoyed by the drunken cook who they have, who came with the villa. Do you know who this is, by the way? No. Who this drunken cook is.

That's Akeem Tamaroff. Do we remember him appearing in... Was he in Les Barboos? He was in Alphaville. He was in Oceans 11? Really? Guy like me, so bad a face of it. Welcome back.

Returning champion. Welcome back. Yeah, I'm looking to see whether he was in Le Barboos because it seems like the kind of thing he might have been. But yeah, that's actually... Akim Tamarov, a guy you love to see. He is so drunk and so inexplicably Turkish. He was not.

He was not. He gets into an argument with Hans and he like hises at him like a goose. This is a level of cooked, the likes of which you seldom see. Incredible. He's given kind of like Torgo in Manos the hands of fate. He's like their cook, their housekeeper, even though they don't want him. He came with the villa. I pulled up this guy's biography on Wikipedia, right?

And it's so crazy how, like, one generation back you can read a line like, Tamrov's accepted birth year was 1899, although in at least two instances, this appeared to be different. You can just lie. We don't know when this fucker was born. No. We have no idea. That's crazy.

We don't know when I was born either. That's true. That's true. Early 2000s. I'm just thinking about how good it would be to, like, rent a villa by the boss for us for the entire pollicle. I think if you pull the money, surely a polychial can afford to rent a lot. I mean, you can do that.

A drunk Turkish guy hitting like a goose to this is worth. I mean, listen, I've just been back from a week of like strategic summit meetings of merging polycules. I think it's entirely germane to like do that in a more scenic location. The first thing to know about polyamory is that we have people everywhere. Forrest to use that expression. So Giorgio is their acrobat. He's also a mute, which we learn at this point. Yeah, this is a real, like, it's that the guy, the Amazing Yan from Ocean's 11 just basically

fucking ripped this off. Like, he's a mute, acrobat guy. I know the Amazing Yan wasn't actually mute, but... More offensive to make him practically mute by virtue of being Chinese, kind of like, swap out the disability and like, Steven Soderberg being like, I know, being Chinese. But so when Simpson shows up with the car, they all have to come. kind of like keep their cover. Yeah, well, like, yes, we're just all here as a bollucule tourism.

Mm-hmm. By the way, the boss for us is still a very, very busy, sort of shipping lane, busier then, too. And so they're constantly getting interrupted by really alarming, like, steam whistles. The kind of unsung hero of this movie is the Foster steam siren. Because anytime anything portends us happens in one of these conversations, there's a big in the background and sort of everyone. and jumps a foot in the air. Also, at this point, Elizabeth has

chrome saleto nails. Love it. Just make a note of that. Mm-hmm. So he is introduced reluctantly to the crew, and Walter has to be like,

just meet our like incredibly drunk Turkish man. He's going to fix you up with a room and some food. And so they're eating in the kitchen. I mean, I say eating. It's more like, you know,

join me in a glass of warm uzo and we get we had another one of the lines of the thing because this is a movie partially concerned with englishness and englishness is a kind of fundamental uns seriousness right of which is correct yeah absolutely but but is also camouflage you know like the the kind of english people are so silly thing is like well we're silly until the moment we kill all of you you know yeah just like visibly patting down pockets for own gun with which we are about to shoot you Oh, sorry, excuse me. I'm just so clumsy.

Any second now. But so the Turkish guy is like, are you a foreigner? Because I hate these motherfuckers because they're foreigners. And Simpson's like, foreign. No, I'm English. Which works.

This works on the guy. I mean English. English as a kind of Turkish. It's a position this movie kind of takes, which also Boris Johnson, I guess. Yeah, it is very Johnson-esque. And this very drunken Turkish cooks has I don't like these guys.

I think they're Russian spies. And this is kind of the ravings of a drunkard, but we see that Simpson more or less takes it seriously. And he actually writes that in his dead drop. He's like, I have proof that they are Russian spies. Yeah. So he does a little bit of eavesdropping because upstairs later that evening. Oh, my God.

Upstairs, Elizabeth is turning on pink lights, playing soft music and wearing a red ribbon choker. She's also changed her saleto nails to red, which very impressive to do that in an afternoon when like you presumably had other shit to be doing as well and she's doing like lion play shit which I've never seen she's just like yes Walter you're a lion

now come here and I'll be the queen of the jungle and you'll be the it's like yeah it's fucking great I love it the lion does not concern himself with PC used enough eaves dropping outside he is like idly whipping her also lion yeah yeah so like Walter is like idly whipping her

with a length of chord in like a kind of diffident way. And she's sort of idly fantasizing. She's also kind of fantasizing about every other man she's seen recently. Yeah. Because she's like, you're a lion, Giorgio's a lion, Hans is a lion. And I tell you what, Peter Eustinoff, he's a lion as well. Really nice eyelashes.

And he's outside going like, oh, oh my God. And like, Walter is not kind of like annoyed by this, right? Like she says, it doesn't bother you that I'm a nymphomaniac, and he's like, not at all. He says it's one of your most endearing qualities. I mean, come the fuck on, dude. This is, this is polyamorous representation in like 1961. Yeah, it's great. I love it.

Yeah. So, used enough, Simpson outside is like, eavesdropping on all of this. And we see he's very taken by the fact that she is into him. So she explains that, you know, the emerald is like a man to her. She also wants to fuck the emerald. This woman's going to fuck the emerald. She is. She genuinely wants to fuck the emerald.

She'll do it. I believe it. I really think that she could find a way. Yeah. So the next day, Simpson drives them around. He's leaving messages for the feds in his little cigarette box. And they see the sights. He's still kind of like, he knows there's something going on, but he's just being their

fucking driver. They also go to the carnival, which is right next to the museum. Yes. And whilst they're in there, Turkish Brandon Rogers, the major, flags the simps are down and has a secret meeting with him. And he's like, I read your dead drop. Russian spies? Seriously?

Seriously? How do you come up with that one? Come on. I got the exchange, but I fucking updated my firmware on my roadcaster, so it's gone. But it's like, how did you come to that conclusion? He's like, how did you deduce it? It's like, how did you deduce it? He was like, the cook told me they were Russian spies.

And he's like, all right, good deducing. Nice deduction. Yeah, key part of like covert human intelligence source handling, though, is reminding your source that they are incredibly unfuckably ugly all the time. Yeah, this is really funny. Being like, come on, there's no way she wants to fuck you. What else did you hear? And he tells him with some reluctance about overhearing them in bed and being like, well, but okay, but she said my, my, my, like, eyelashes were like pretty or whatever. And the major's like, how stupid could you possibly be? Yeah, it's a fool.

She knew you were listening. Otherwise, she would never have said something so stupid. It's like you look like a partially shorn, like community theater production lion in the Wizard of Oz. Like, why would she possibly have sex with you? And you see him kind of crumple a bit of this. Oh, I guess I was an ogre. Oh. He's stupid.

You're not an ago, Peter. No. It's okay. He's quite attractive. Yeah, so they're at the fair to meet a guy who I have designated

as absurdly sexy Turkish Kani Yeah, Josephat, I think is his name in the movie, but I also just that's just the hot Turkish guy one of the other hot, one of the many Yeah, it's well but so he's their contact there and part of the

plan works out with him We'll see how later on meantime the major is like, look, they're all going to get arrested on Saturday, right? If you don't find out who they are and who they're fucking work for by then, then we'll just arrest you to you, big man. This is a really compelling bit

on this kind of security side because they don't know they're in a caper movie. They think they're in Day of the Jackal, right? Yeah, as far as they're going to open fire at the Army day. Yeah, they're going to kill a bunch of world leaders and shit. They're going to kill the, like, you know, dignitaries and shit. And in fact, that night, Simpson overhears them

talking about the plan and, like, misunderstands in such a way that when Walter's like, oh, once we've done this, even the army won't be able to find us. And he's like, oh shit, they really are going to shoot up the army fucking parade. Oh, no. He misunderstands and thinks that they're terrorists. The polliculness intensifies, right? Because the argument that they're having is Walter sees Georgia looking at like sports car brochures and, and he like slaps them and like tears them out of his hand. And he's like, there's going to be an entire like army mobilized to find us right and anywhere from like from Istanbul to Peru any overnight to millionaire will be noticed which I was like as a turn

of phrase and and Giorgio not only like sees the logic of this but he kind of like kind of grinned sheepishly and he like takes uh Walters hand and like slaps himself playfully and I'm like this is this is some advanced It's, yeah, it's sensual. Like, it's very, it's kind. I don't know, there's, there's, it's fun. It's a fun maneuver. I'm gonna, I'm gonna try that next time I like hurt someone's feelings.

It's been like, oh, you know. They should host a podcast. Yeah, that's true. So, but the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the cook are eavesdropping downstairs. Mm-hmm. And the cook drops his, like, warm glass of Uzo, disgusting. And Georgia, Georgia earns his fucking keep on this. one because everyone else is like, what? Find out what that was.

Giorgio running jump off a second floor balcony onto the lawn below. Yeah. Yeah. Georgeo is approaching your location rapidly. Descending, weirdly. Like, Grindr doesn't usually show altitude, but like... It's a couple of meters away, but I don't know which direction it's in. Directly above, yeah.

Giorgio is fucking descending. He's on a glide slope, like, yeah. But a Hans ends up chasing the cook around and the cook ends up slamming his fingers in a door, breaking them in the process. It's what, fuck. Hans. Yeah, because he needed his Hans.

And now that's fucked! Yeah. I'll tell you what, Hans, that is a guy who is in LeBarbus. He plays the American spy. Oh, my God. That they all throw out of the window. This is Jess Hahn, baby. Developing a really authentic enthusiasm

for the 1960s European film industry, just by virtue of how many of the same guys are involved. There's some pretty good movies. There's some pretty good 1960s Europe movies. If you like the same people getting cast and stuff again and again, wait till you hear about the current film industry. We spent some time getting to the bottom of what the good movies from the 60s in Europe are, and where it's like four or five.

I'm just so glad that this is my job and I get to do it with my friends. But to me, this is very reminiscent of the lady killers specifically. Yeah, at least because the next shot quite a comic one of Hans just sitting on the couch, despairing with like both of his hands in casts. Really good. He keeps those casts on for the whole rest of the movie. It does.

But so they're like, okay, well, Hans is gone. Now we need someone with upper body strength. So it has to be. It literally has to be Simpson. Yeah, we've got to deal him in. And so they test him first. Like, can you put this, can you, if we attach a rope to this couch that Elizabeth is reclining on sexily,

And you pull it towards you. Are you strong enough to do that? Yeah. And he tries and he isn't. And she tries kind of motivating him by yelling at him and it doesn't really work. And so then she changes tack to motivational fendom, right? Yes. And this works very well.

Yes, it does. This would work on anyone, I feel. Yes, she fucking purrs. Anyone on this call. Essentially feline woman being like, you know, you can do it, I believe in you, but in a horny way. Yeah, it would work. Like, stop jerking on the thing. Stop yanking it.

Like, one hand over the other. Take your time. Holy shit. All of the others are watching them do this in, again, the most pollicule-coded way I've ever seen in my fucking life. The only part about this that does not read as a pollicule is that two of them aren't working on a film camera at that moment. Like, I... What happens? Like, oh, fuck, I fucked off.

This podcast's like a fucking advert for porn. polyamory of this one. Christ, I hope so. Listen, listen, I have a beef about this, right? I saw the, the fucking Stephen Soda Bread movie, Black Bag, the other week, right? Which is meant to be like, MI6 comedy-ish kind of thriller about relationships. And the thing with Black Bag is, I like Michael Fastbender. I like Michael Fastbender, but like...

Yeah, he needs to be in some good movies. This is true. Blackbag is genuinely and unironically, like, polyamoryphobic, right? I shit you not It is a movie And you're watching us with the jackals Yeah It's a movie about how

Like monogamy is like a force multiplier And like being in shit Where you just love your wife Makes you a better spy It fucking sucks right So if someone's got to advertise The Polyamory Someone's got to be normalizing this shit

But so She in the course of motivating him Elizabeth kind of reads him As a character and says You're a clever man You could have gone far, but you always played for small stakes, right? Like, he's a schmo. He's, he's, like, easily manipulated, but by the same token, easily underestimated.

And that's the kind of, like, that's the Englishness here as well. Oh, we're on some Italian job shit. It's about like, oh, this heist says something about the nature of England, don't we? Yes. Yeah, absolutely we are. That's made the movie worse in retrospect, but okay. Yeah, sorry, sorry. But he does it.

Yeah, there's some England in it, unfortunately. She says, remember how I had a bunch of drawings and models of the dagger in my apartment in scene three, which he went in? Well, that's because I've created a fake one. It's made of like glass and shit. We're going to swap the daggers. Nobody will ever know. And the way we're going to do it is we're going to do it like Mission Impossible, which is a movie that will come out in about 30 years. You're going to lower Giorgio down from the roof.

And like, you can do it if I kiss you. And he's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, and in this moment, in this moment, Simpson becomes the latest recipient of the much-neglected Brian Cox Memorial Studies and Intelligence Award. Yes. Because he goes. Yes, he fucking does.

Well, that's great. There's just one problem, which is Turkish intelligence think that you're a terrorist. He doesn't even mean to say it. He's like, oh, but Turkish intelligence think you're all terrorists. And they're like, you want, man. They're like, sorry, can you say some more about that? right now. We might elucidating that point somewhat. My brother in Christ,

what were you doing at Turkish intelligence? I was talking a Turkish intelligence. Because it seems like you've just done something that's Turkish stupid. It was a covert polycule. That's John intelligence.

Yeah, he immediately fuses, like, just fully fuses to it. They're not even that mad at him about it. They really aren't. To be honest, like, water's kind of like, well, that's kind of on me for like using you to smuggle the like arms. He mentions the guns and they're like, oh shit, you're talking about the guns and they're like, no, they found the guns. That's why I'm here. And the gas. They're regularly checking to make sure that the guns and the gas are still there so they know when you're going to move.

Which means now you can't use the guns or the gas at all. And so this sends water into plotting mode. Yeah. Because the original plot was that we were going to use the guns. gun to shoot out the searchlight, which is like a lighthouse beam, we're going to shoot that out, so it's going to be dark, and we're going to use the gas grenades to incapacitate the guards. So now we have to modify the plan. So Walter paces around for a bit, and then he's like, I got it. I got it. I know how to do it. Yeah. There's a thing that he says

later, which I really incredibly hot, both character and actor here, where he's like, he just says casually in a very debonair way, I never liked that gun. It upset the artist in me. And I'm like, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. But so instead of this, what they're going to do is the, the fucking robot cat professor is just gonna like sabotage. It's like, Elizabeth is gonna like charm the lighthouse keeper where the searchlight is.

And then the professor's gonna get in there and he's gonna like manually slow down one of the gears, which is gonna give them like an extra 20 seconds on the roof because it's gonna turn slower. I'm like, yeah, sure, perfect. Her line on it is really good too. She's like, I'm going to distract you with something no Turkish man could ever say no to. Arguments about the origination of yogurt. Fuck. Turkey invented bread. You're a dog people. I was going to go Turkish delight, but all right. It's going up there being like cheese was invented in Albania, prove me wrong, and doing the kind of like one person versus, versus 20 other people debate in.

impromptu jubilee moment like that's it called jubilee yeah jubilee yeah one me versus 20 turks yeah yeah yeah i'm doing that one i'm losing i'm losing on purple so the other the other way to get rid of the guards instead of gassing them and sad to sideline friend of the show gas here. What they're going to do is they're going to use one of the professor's devices which is like a parrot that's got a tape deck in there. Yeah, it's like a robot parrot that's what you say.

They're going to use this as a commandos two style distraction item and it's going to play Elizabeth laughing out of it and the guard's going to walk around confused and horny for a while. So they set up everything which involves a shirtless Peter Eustinoff with his chest covered in rope and Georgia wearing a corset and

and a bunch of like weird implements laid out on a table and I'm just like, yep, I had weekends like that. Yep, no problem. Yep, yep, that's in the movie. 100%. They're setting up to do that. And also, they're being followed around by Turkish Brandon Rogers and his Turkish dudes.

And so they have to like lose their tail and they do this by going to like a 20 minute long wrestling scene. I love the wrestling scene. Yeah, yeah. The whole time I was, thank God for the wrestling. I enjoyed the idea of the wrestling scene, but it does fucking drag. It's for me.

You motherfucker's got your polyamry scenes. Give me my greistock Turkish men, all right? That's fair. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm not complaining about the Turkish man, right? 30 or 40 Greastock Turkish men wrestle for ages.

There's two Turkish cops following them, two Turkish spies following them. And when the big lads come out, everybody's thrilled. No one more than these two guys. Yeah. They love the wrestling. Yeah. Yeah, the big lads get oiled up, and two things here, right? I can hook this back to the polyamory because Elizabeth is getting, like, visibly aroused

by this. Yeah. Love this, yeah. Walter just, like, moves in front of her. No, no, no, no, he like, he, like, he moves in front of her as it, like, sort of ingest and then, like, rests on her shoulder. This is the motherfucker's getting compersion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's nice.

It's happening, it's real. The thing that's, so basically the deal is they're all trying to sneak out one by one using the fact that the Turkish cops are super into the wrestling and there's a really really cute bit where like every time one of them leaves the cops have to have like a kind of silent like shoving match

to determine which one of them has to stop watching the wrestling and go and follow them until eventually they just like kind of lose all of them except for Hans there is an aesthetic moment here with one of these cops where I just write down you will never take a phone

call on a corded Bakelite handset out of the window of a Turkish security services VW Beetle, which is an alarmingly specific feeling that I've had in my life. It's true, I probably would have had. Unlike to do that. They also leave the car which has the rifle and the grenade in.

They leave that car at the stadium. So the cops are just like, they must still be here because the car's still here. So like they must all just be in the bathroom together for hours as like five of them. I can't imagine what they're doing in there, but all right. Water wanders off with a really nice, what I think is a contact.

and takes a bunch of photos and then tricks them and escapes that way. Well, I missed this, but yeah, yeah, nice. Yeah. And it's just hands. It's just hands that don't work. He's just like, my role in this is to watch the wrestling. Hey, I'm just going to watch the wrestling.

Sit here with the cops and watch the wrestling. Wait for my share to come in. So the palace closes, along with the museum, and they get in afterwards through a trapdoor that they leave slightly ajar. portentously and they get up on the roof because they have to get in via the roof

and we discover that Simpson has vertigo like from the movie vertigo he's been honest about this the whole time he's like I am fucked with heights I'm so fucked with heights and it's great to see phenomenal pussy representation that I

100% with you man heights are fucking scary what if I fell Yeah, absolutely. Think about that. That's fun. That would hurt. They do a cool kaleidoscope thing when he's like looking over the edge.

Yeah, it's really good. Yeah. But so they have to go over the roof and they get him up on the roof and they're like, okay, so we just wait until it's dark and cross over. And he actually stands up for himself for the first time. Yeah, he does. I will not go over that roof in darkness because I will for. I do like the water tries to reason with him by being like, well, in the dark.

You won't be able to see that it's high up. up, which is like, masterful, masterful work. But yeah, no, he insists. And so also having no choice, it's still very affably, mind you. He's never really ruffled in this movie at all. No, he really isn't. Which I really quite like, preserves the hardness as well. It's like, all right, fine, we'll just do it in the daytime.

And so you get a pretty tense, actually. Yeah, it's quite tense. Roof shimmying scene. And just like getting mad at the inventor of domes, because this is a real, like, roof. you know, it's a real Turkish roof. It's got a lot of like overhangs, gables, domes. I'm not, if anything, I'm grateful to the guy who invented dome. We owe you so much.

I assume that it was a man. Interesting. I don't, I don't subscribe to, yeah, I mean, why do you think that it's interesting that you think that Dr. Urquhar has to be a man. I don't believe in great man. I don't believe in great man theory. I think that like dome was invented as a kind of historical inevitability that when the material conditions for dome were created, it just kind of,

like, you know, it was the next logical step in a bunch of places. And the first one of those gets called the inventor of Dome, maybe. I think two men invented it. It takes two men to have Dome. I don't believe in man theory. I don't think men exist. I've never seen one. That's why they're so lonely because there aren't any of them.

The woman theory of history where there aren't any man. There's no man. It's all women. Yeah. Been women the whole time. Okay. Yeah, I'm down with that. Men are a story invented to scare women.

Hmm. I do just really need the listener to interrogate why they automatically assume that Dr. Ertker of the frozen pizzas is a man? Captain Byrdzai could be a woman. Because, well, no, neither of those are women because you can actually see both of them, and Dr. Oatka and Captain Bezler, you can actually see the mascot on the package.

I'm just looking up Dr. Urtka right now. Why shouldn't Captain Birdside be a woman? Women, okay. Oh, by the way. I believe women can do anything. You can't fucking see. I'll tell you this for free. Google Dr. Urtka right now.

That is a picture of a woman. Let's also knock it into what Dr. Ertka did. If you're listening to this right now, if you're driving, just hold your phone a little bit below the window, so no one can see it, and just Google Dr. Urtka real quick. Damn, you're right. You got my ass. That's abroad. That's abroad, baby. I can tell by the ungainly gate. Yes.

So, they get over the roof, right? The company was founded by a man. Yeah, a man and I think Nazi, unless that was the next generation. Anyway, why don't I know so much for Dr. Urtka? I'm on the German law wiki. fandom Dr. Urtka right now. I'm gonna duck and kill myself. So there's one

like sort of tense bit where like a guard sees the trapdoor that they've left a jar. And it just kindly closes it for them. Well, the thing is, I gotta say kicking stuff back into place has to be one of the greatest perks of being a security guard. Yeah, he just gets mad at it and stamps on it until it's flat, which is just

great, amazing. So then they wait until night and that we get honestly the scene of the movie or set of scenes of the movie goes really genuinely tense sort of thriller where we know that Simpson can just about is just about strong enough to hold the rope but they do the bit for a mission impossible yeah right no music the whole thing is like completely unscored as they they like lower georgio down to the window and he has to like saw through the bars there's some tension of like oh shit the the cogs can't be slowed down in the lighthouse, so it's like, the beam is moving slightly

faster than normal, but like, yeah, gorgeous, gorgeous, like, pair of shots where it's, like, his face and then the wall where you see the spotlight moving too fast. And it's, like, because they're not distracting the, like, lighthouse keeper quickly enough and the professor isn't able to, like, touch the thing quickly enough. And, of course, at the last second, he's able to and just, like, holds it back. But it's, like, genuinely, it's tense stuff. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's, like, really masterful.

And there's also some really slick acrobatics as well. Like, he has to, like, cut a window grate open. That window grate has to be, like, held up by one rope, pulled out of his way as he kicks out and slides in under it. And that's done in one take. Yeah. And it's really incredible. This scene makes the movie.

Like, this scene is one of the reasons the movie's definitely worth watching. Like, it's really good. Yeah. It's images, new images, which is all I ever want from a movie. Like, it's the Italian job thing again. of like, hey, you want to see some shit you've never seen before? Because even though I've seen Mission Impossible, this is still some shit I haven't seen before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's a moment when, so he gets inside and he's being lowered down towards the case, which has the dagger in it. There's a moment where he nearly slips, and I genuinely put my fist in my mouth. It was so tense. I was like, oh, no! Like, it's so good. Being aware of, like... It's so fucking good.

It makes you very aware of all the specific, like, operations that need to happen. Oh, yeah. It all happens in real time. he has to get lowered down open the case with a key that they've had made get lifted back up and then the rope has to get like handed over from Walter and Simpson

to just Simpson and he almost drops it and it's like it's so much shakier when it's just him holding it because water has to like pull up the case Walter is like he's like marking on the rope different points where it needs to be moved to it's just this little white line on the rope

just matching up perfectly with the white line he's drawn on the fucking cobblestones and it's so good. It's so effective. I want to note by analogy, right, part of the reason why we made a big deal when we did the Charlie's Angels reboot of the line if we're not out of here in the next ten minutes we're all going

to Turkish prison is because it's a funny line in and of itself. The tautologies are funny. Yeah, but also because it's a cheap way of establishing stakes, whereas this movie, this is a great example of showing and not telling, right? In that it doesn't need anyone to go

So, hey, by the way, if you drop anything or like brush the floor in this scene, like, the alarm goes off and we're all going to Turkish prison. Yeah. We know that already because we've had it demonstrated earlier in the movie that it's- Yes, yeah. Like, I can see- Any touch will do it. The tension, I can see the tension, it is physically embodied in a rope. Yes, yeah.

And also, because I know how gravity works, I know where the tension comes from. It's Hitchcockian. but yeah it's like you can you can seed all of this stuff earlier which which we do because there's a bit that wasn't important to talk about at the time where when they're strapping the the twink into the corset water like finds a cigarette in his pocket and he's like if you if this had fallen out onto the floor we would all be in Turkish prison right like it's it's like in the moment just just show me the thing yeah there's a moment where like he he is slipping past the cases that's lifted up and he goes to replace the dagger with the fake one, like, nearly drops it. It's like, oh, fuck, like, it's so close and he nearly fucks it up, and then it doesn't. He has to, like, steady himself on the, like, mannequin of the sultan

that the dagger is placed on. And then, as he takes it off, I'm just thinking, like, please tell me you around, but which one is the fake and which one's the real one? I went back and, like, rewound it went frame by frame to make sure that he, like, yeah. And then, and then you get the realisation that, again, it doesn't tell you of

he has to, like, keep it together long enough, to go back down with the case as that gets lowered down make sure like steady that into place lock it so nobody knows anything's been taken and then come back up and this is excruciate yeah it's so good

it's so fucking good it's so good there isn't this hasn't been imitated in a way that has the same source mission impossible the wrong trousers it still doesn't have the same like they wouldn't have the hutsper to put it all in real time. They wouldn't. It would be cut up. It would be interspace with a different scene of someone else doing something else. They would find some way to defang the tension here, but this is perfect. Yeah, it's so good. As they lift him up and as it's done, he's like climbs out

through the window. And we get an honest to God jump scare cut to the wrestling. Yeah, yeah. Because the crowd all cheer. And it's like, that's what we're doing. doing now! In the movie! Have I talked about the cockatoo moment before? Have I mentioned this? No, I don't think you have, actually. Okay, so Citizen Kane features like a really abrupt cut to like a screeching cockatoo right in front of the camera, really loud, loud as anything. What is the function of the cockatoo?

Yeah, I've explained this, surely, right? I don't think we have actually said it on the podcast before. Yeah, okay, sure. Well, but so, uh, Citizen Kane, like, uh, obviously a big deal at the time. A lot of people trying to puzzle out. Pretty good movie. You might have heard of it. Every single thing in Citizen Kane, but... meant, you know, like what, what's the purpose of this bit? And someone, someone finally asks Orson Wells what the point of the cockatoo is in, in this one cut. And in this very laconic, Orson-Wellsian way, he goes, it was to wake up the audience.

It was the entire significance of the cockatoo. And I'm like, any time I say something like that, I'm like, yeah, like the cockatoo and sits and Kane. And that's what the wrestling bit is there for is to wake up the audience. Fantastic. It's great. So good. So fucking good.

As they're like lifting him out of the thing. Yes. Indeed. It's a little, a little like, I think it's like a little Delta Finch, but that's a really tentative identification on my part. Some kind of Finch, definitely. It's flapping around the whole time. It's got a little bit.

But it gets in as they're closing the window and sealing the window up afterwards. And it's still stuck in there when they're done. Yeah. Just flapping around. Just leave that. But so they have to escape over the roof and down a zip line. They have a camera on the zip line even, which is-a-v-a-u-a-zplining. Joseph, incredibly sexy Joseph, is literally only here for the zip line, like the I think

you should leave bit. He's just there to be the guy who sets up the zip line. Yeah, so they can get off the roof and get home. Yeah. Well, actually, no, he does have another important function. No, he has. Because they give him the dagger. Yeah, because he, part of his, like, role in the circus is that he has a sort of fucked Madam Two Swords caravan.

And one of the people in his Madame Two Swords is one of, like a statue of the Sultan. And it has one of the daggers on. So he swaps the dagger out to try to get it across the border. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the fair, they're leaving Turkey tonight. They're crossing the border. That's how we're going to get it out. So they all head back to the wrestling.

It runs to really late. Because the cops are waiting for them by the car. They all walk straight past the cops getting to the car and leave. I'm like, yes. They're like, bye. Yes. Yes. I should also say, just on body language alone,

Walter and Elizabeth are in this moment the too horniest any human beings. God, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's so good. And then to cap off the plan, they do my favorite thing in the entire words. They all go directly to the cops and go, there were guns in our car. I love this. It's kind of talented Mr. Ripley of like, I'm going to have like an intellectual duel with the cops here. The drunk Turkish chef is there too, but he's passed out on a bench, right?

Having failed to make anyone listen to him, that these are Russian. Russian spies. Yeah, they say, oh, we heard a strange rattle in the car. We were at the wrestling all day, weren't we? I said, yes, yes, we were. A Simpson's our driver. We're all polyamorous tourists. And we found these guns in our cars, and we thought we'd do the right thing and come and

report it. And the major is sort of suspicious of this. We see him circle a note, because he's been warned before Simpson decided that he wasn't going to, like, do any more informing. Before he won the Brian Cox Memorial Award for Studies and Intelligence. that there was this guy named Joseph at the fair by the museum who's waiting for a signal and he circles fair and museum about a dozen times over the course of this interview and draws like a million arrows between them.

There's a question marks next to it. The cop brain sort of like the wheels turning. So Joseph is like he's getting his like caravan searched as a precaution because of the- There's a little aspect in the previous scene where the cop is picking. picking which photo of the guns to show to the collected polyamorous thieves. And he's got one where he's like circled the weapons in red a bunch and he goes underneath that to get a clean photo to hand over to them, which I just, I like that. It's good.

So are these the weapons in question? And Elizabeth's like, you're very clever. Well done. Yes, that is them. You must have found them. So the cops kind of inspect the caravan. I really like one of the cops actually has to get upies. to like from Joseph to like go and look at the thing.

It takes a sort of cursory look at the soldier and it's like, okay, sure, on your way. Cool dagger on that guy. Anyway, yeah. We're all mentally substituting in self-preservation society in Turkish. And then the loudest alarm in the world triggers as this tiny little finch lands on the floor at long last. And every phone in the world rings.

And you see it work its way all the way up to the major. who's like, I see how I've fucked up here. Mm-hmm. I thought you were terrorists, but you're not. You're just thieves. We get the line of the fucking movie, baby, where he goes, A little bird told me. Bam, there it is.

It's like Hayes code shit, right? The law always has to win, even the Turkish law, and everybody goes to... He says the thing in Turkish, he says, what is it, Mushugganer, or... I don't remember now. I don't remember what it is. I have a lot of pollution. Mufkusenus. Mufkusenus.

It's like, you're under arrest. Yeah. You're fucking Nickton. And we all go to Turkish women's prison, which can I say something? I thought you would say that. Turkish women's prison seems to just involve being marched around in a circle. By a Turkish woman in a Turkish woman prison uniform. Yeah.

With a whistle? Yeah. With a, yeah. It seems to follow logically, yeah. The guy's prison is. just next door actually, so close in fact that they can talk through the bars. And Walter and Elizabeth do chat through the bars. And Elizabeth's like, I've got this plan. And then Walter's like, oh yeah. All of it would ever start. Like, oh, my God. They're like, oh yeah,

what is it? You're going to break sound out? She's like, there's the secret staircase in the Kremlin where the jewels of the Romanovs are kept and they're all like, oh no! Womp! Womp! And they trail this in the credits, which is, is like them in Moscow in the snow. And I'm like, why the fuck didn't they? give me 60 more of these movies. Why don't, why aren't there like one of these a year, you know? Top copy too. I'll give you an example, right?

I saw, rewatched the other day, a shot in the dark, the like Peter Sellers, Pink Panther Inspector Cluzo movie. We'll get to it. Worse than I remembered, I will say, but here's the thing, Peter Sellers made some dog shit movies, made some dog shit pink panther movies even. They kept letting them, they kept, they kept making those, like. and it's not as if there's a shortage of people who are willing to go and see mediocre movies

because we know, right? It's just that the mediocre movies that keep getting made aren't fun like this. Yeah, I want a million more of these. I want to see the Russian polyamorous thieves in Russia take Russia in Moscow. Yes, yeah. I want to see the polyamorous thieves go to Atlantis.

One of the key reasons why we need to institute like woke to, you know, the meaner sequel to woke is obviously I miss when brands were tweeting like, you know, trans women are women or whatever for, to no effect, but I miss it. Miener, crueller politics. Yeah, yeah. I want to see, like,

the National Hockey League tweet from the official account that trans women mogs cis women. But, like, besides that, I also want to see, yeah, like, Bud Light being like, you're actually not allowed to drink out beer if you've never sucked dick in your life. But, like, I also want the polyamory movies, right? I miss that level of cultural awokeness,

and now it's just fucking Sydney Sweeney or whatever. It sucks. No, no shade against Sydney Sweeney, she's a good actor, but like, yeah, it is interesting that like, I've had this conversation before with your girlfriend, whom I've never met. Of course. About, like, how some people just get a real B in their bonnet

about polyamory and how there's a really strongly negative reaction to it sometimes. Mm-hmm. People just get real mad about it. Not everyone. I will find that some like cis straight monogamous people are just like, oh, wow, that's really cool, actually. Mm. In fact, I was talking to the makeup artists recently on the thing that I've just been filming

about you, November. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because I was saying, oh, like, I was saying, oh, something about, like, my girlfriend's girlfriend's wife, I'm going to have drinks with her, like, at some point. And they were just like, what the fuck? And I was, like, you know, bringing out a diagram and shit. So some of this straight people are cool with it. But, like, there is a strong anti-polyamory streak to a lot of, like, mainstream media and discourse that I would like to see relevant.

dude. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It sucks to live in a kind of like cultural time of like cultural revengeism or whatever, like cultural retreat. You should be allowed to have as many girlfriends as you want. That's true. I want one. That's fine. Yeah. You should be allowed to have multiple. Not even just girlfriends, right? Like, uh, you know when, like, same sex, you know that like same sex marriage came in? People were like, next thing you know is going to be like, oh, you can just marry as many people as you want. Fuck you. I want that. Yeah, you should be able to. Yeah. Yeah. Ten dads. No kids. Yeah, 10, 10 dads, no kids, one house, no HMO license.

Like, these are structural things. Anyway. Of course, I'm a straight, single monogamous. Oh, we're all, we're all set out, of course, of course. Yeah. And I write for the independent or whatever. And I just love my American Eagle jeans. And I would never dare to access pornography or potentially Spotify or Wikipedia from the UK.

I would never do that. I certainly wouldn't use that. use a video of Gary's mod pulling faces to get around it, or a VPN, because that will be illegal. Yeah, and would allow you to watch movies like Topkafer, which we don't have to just talk about subjectively. You're so right. We have a science-based system on this podcast, much in the same way that, like, Professor, whatever it was, has a science-based system. Ours involves fewer, like, terrifying robotic automata. Cool, quick, yes, but, yeah.

Yeah, and more a series of four scales. It's called the scum system. It stands for smarm, cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. On a scale from zero to seven, how smarmy is top cap it? Not massively. It really isn't, because it's a study in a, like, weakness and kind of wheedling and, like, Eustinoff's character in it is not cool. Walter is cool, and he is quite smarmy, but, like, I do want to fuck him, so.

That's his character, though. it's not really the movie so much as like, that's just what his character is like. Yeah, I agree. Well, how serious is the sort of pretty Yusinov as a synecary for England in this? I feel like it doesn't, I don't think it says an awful lot about that. It's definitely there, but not to the extent that it wasn't the Italian job. Oh, no, it doesn't wear it on its sleeve anywhere near as much as the Italian job does. I think it's, it has something of, like, national character, like, Elizabeth is always talking

about, like, how Swiss water is, which I guess. just means being like chill with Pollyamory, which shout out to the Swiss, I guess. Yeah, I don't know. Not hugely. The only thing I can think of is that's like a laugh line for the audience that Smarme is on the zip line when like Simpson's about to go first. He's like, I suppose you push me off the roof, right? Yeah. And, and Walter goes, of course not.

I've never do that and then push them off the roof. It's a kind of smarmy laugh line. But that's about it. like genuinely i think that is it i've been trying to think of anything yeah too is is it is that even worth two i don't know if two is i don't know if two is i don't be one harsh yeah there might be a single a single smart i'm outvoted but at one it is cultural insensitivity i don't feel like it says anything bad about the turkish which it very easily could have done it's kind of a commercial actually like it's it's check out some cool stuff they've got in turkey they've got culture and

wrestling and the wrestling is portrayed as being sick nasty. Is that guy who plays the major Turkish though? I feel like that's an important thing to, yes, millions. I feel like that's an important thing to figure out because if that's a white guy in brown

face, that is a real risk of movies for this era. Born in Mueller died in Istanbul, that is a Turkish man. He's Turkish? They've got a real count it. Let's go. Easy. Hell yeah.

No photos on his fucking page at all. He's on Turkish Wikipedia only, like... Oh, right. That's pretty good, especially considering the movies of this time. Fuck, I'm struggling to think of anything. Well, a Turkish drunk, maybe, I don't know, Turkish, Turkey presumably has drunks. The two, um, uh, the two, like, security guys following them are both Turkish actors. I mean, Akim Tamarov is, like, Armenian, but like, eh. Yeah, but like...

I'm not thrilled with him as a... kind of like the fiction, but it's also just kind of like Western town drunk vibes more than anything else. Like it's not implying anything about Turkishness necessarily, I would say. Yeah. I feel like I've seen that character in like saloons or in like Shakespeare and shit. Like that's a guy. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I mean, there's that there is a kind of semi-racist joke about Chinese food in the Paris scene. Oh yeah. Where Elizabeth is like, oh yeah, it's like you wait an hour and you're hungry again or whatever, which like fuck you. But other than that, that's even supposed to mean.

Classico. Yeah. It's not even particularly like, malicious, exactly. It's just, yeah. I don't even get that joke. One? Two?

I could do two. Two, maybe. Unprovoked violence. Here's the thing. There's not a ton of that either. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is developing in an interesting way.

We could be onto one here. Unprovoked violence, is anyone killed? No. They don't. They find out about the gun and then they don't use it. They weren't going to use it to kill anyone to begin with. Exactly. I'm going to use it to shoot out a light, and it is like, that's described as still

bothering the guy who was going to use it. I, there is, there's no unprovoked violence. I don't think there is any. There's a little bit of a slap at one point, but that's hardly like. Oh, God, is there any, there better be some of a soldier. I don't think that's some of social. Stealing, it's one, but only for the slap towards Julio, I think. Yeah, that's true.

He does slap an ally, but like, that's genuinely, I'm fucking close. Butch and straws here, one. The movie doesn't ask us to endorse that, though. Like... It doesn't really, like... It doesn't punish water for it any more than it punishes anybody else. It creates conflict and they make up for it. Like, I don't know.

I feel that's... It's not like it's like slapping a woman, you know? That's true. That is true. I... Well, he does slap a disabled guy. Which he shouldn't do. Okay.

One. Put it down as one. But like, even that is kind of a stretch. Misogyny. Well, okay. So misogyny. There's one, well, there's two women, right? One, we've barely talked about because she's so unimportant to the plot, and that's Vula, who is

Simpsons kind of like confidant, right? Oh, yeah. She doesn't get to do anything. And then Elizabeth gets to do a lot, but is a kind of, admittedly, as we say, like, sort of feline grace, but also sex-powered, right? Yeah. Which, sure, that's a type of woman you can be. It's not the only one.

It is. It's also nice that she's an older lady. I, yeah, I do like that, actually. It is nice. Consider this. If they made this movie now, would they cast an actress who was that old? She was 44 when she was cast. I asked the question again, if they made it now, probably would they made it now.

Would they cast an actress who's that old? I don't think they would. No, absolutely. They would not know. I don't think they would. No. I don't I really don't think so wow okay so I mean by the way it's Melina McCurry we've not actually said the actresses name at any point but fantastic looking amazing incredible

performance like she's minister of culture in the Greek government in the 70s the fuck okay she's not submitted her reward for making this film hot dog hell yeah good for her she died of lung cancer like all bad bitches okay yeah nice fucking smoking yeah it'll do that She was one of the founding members of Passock. I don't know what that is. What is going on? They're like, essentially the Greek Labour Party.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. You know what? Fucking go. Go off, Molina. Girls rock. The no men.

No men. Two points. For what? There's not more women in it doing other different kinds of being a woman. Women. Yeah, I get... There could be more women. There could be more women.

There could be more women. There could be more women. I think it's gotta be a one or a two. I think... One. I can't justify the two. It's not actively woke. It's certainly not actively woke.

Like it's... But it's so... It's not very offensive. An objective system. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And that objective system has given us a grand total of Abigail.

We haven't... We haven't decided whether this is one or two yet. This is all come down to the story. Let's say one. Let's say one, yeah. All right. In that case, that gives it a total score of five points. Which means this is now tied for the best movie that we have ever seen on the podcast.

It fucking is. With the quiller memorandum. Which is also a fucking banger of a movie. Okay. We're getting good at this. Tied for first place. And in second place, it's the born identity, and after that, there's like four movies on seven. There's a couple of sevens, yeah.

We take a suggestion from the crowd, and they nail it so hard. They show us the best movie we've ever seen. Yeah. Fuck. We should do that more often. We should create a sort of Hall of Fame list of bangers, like, Kill James Bond recommended movies list. The Kill James won no skips. And we also get to award the Brian Cox Memorial Award.

We've got these intelligence for the first time in ages, yeah. And I don't think we have any Cronsteins. I don't think we have any good nights necessarily. No, I don't think so. So that's Top Kappa. Jesus Christ. There we go. Hey, that's a good movie.

Check it out on Amazon two weeks ago. Check it out on moviefuck.biz. Enjoy watching that on God knows where, whatever adverse conditions movie club takes you. Scan your face and watch it. acted onto the side of a donkey's ass. Our next, our next bonus episode is, I believe, Abbey's pick for religion season. Yeah, baby.

Religion season continues. More satanic abbey movies. We're going to watch the Arnold Schwarzenegovic vehicle. End of Days. Arnie versus Satan. Who will win? The winner becomes governor of California. I'm so excited.

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