Kill James Bond! - S4E34: Fast Five

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

We've reached the fulcrum of the Fast and Furious series, the film that marks the departure from car-centric films of the 2000s in favour of the gigantic muscle men best friend heists of the 2010s. A real marmite movie, our opinions on whether or not this was 'Awesome' split along entirely predictable lines. ----- Check out friend of the show Mattie's new book Simplicity here, or wherever fine graphic novels are sold! ----- FREE PALESTINE - With the ceasefire in full effect, the media has returned to ignoring the daily atrocities in Gaza. My friend Ahmed still needs to feed his family and afford medicine. Anything you can kick in would be hugely appreciated. https://chuffed.org/project/150817-please-help-ahmed-and-his-family-get-food-drink-and-medicine And these are some more general links you can support collective efforts with! -The Palestinian Communist Youth Union is doing a food and water effort, and is part of the official communist party of Palestine https://www.gofundme.com/f/to-preserve-whats-left-of-humanity-global-solidarity -Water is Life, a water distribution project in North Gaza affiliated with an Indigenous American organization and the Freedom Flotilla https://www.waterislifegaza.org/ -Vegetable Distribution Fund, which secured and delivers fresh veg, affiliated with Freedom Flotilla also https://www.instagram.com/linking/fundraiser?fundraiser_id=1102739514947848 ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ ----- Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com , as well as on our Bluesky and X.com the everything app account

Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devon. Hello. Galbanga. It's Fast 5. It's Fast 5. It's Fast 5.

Okay. So, this, and this is the turn, unfortunately. This is the point where the series crystallizes into the form that it will take through to the end, which is... Hamburger Shonen. Hamburger Shonen. But this is the worst one yet. Big guys doing big heists.

the cars are barely relevant, they're just in it. That was the part I didn't like. There's a part where they have an illegal street racer and they just do it off screen and I'm like, that was the best bit. Come on. Yeah, yeah. I think it's really crucial, right?

Having seen these films in order to know that they began as point break, right? Which is... Yeah, right? We investigate a subculture, right? Tokyo Drift, we investigate a subculture bracket's Japan, right? And now we're here into the start of the bloat. like me turning 30, right?

Where it's like, you just know it's downhill from here. And it's just like the problems that are going to get worse are sort of like settling in. It's so, it's like Oceans Avengers. It's just, it's slop. Slop is a word. This is heist season, though. This is Rob Recession. It's become heists.

This is heist. They realize that a heist movie could be fun to do. I had a difficult time with this one for a couple of reasons. And I just want to say up front, like honestly, a huge. Thank you to the listeners for facilitating me having a job that finances like my rent and an ever-growing polycule, because I, like, I'm struggling sometimes, right? I'm sick all the fucking time. I watched this with my head balanced on a Pyrex bowl, right?

It's hard, right? And this is a very flexible- I would have used a pillow, but okay. No, just needed to be more uncomfortable, I guess. like this was a really kind of this is a job that is flexible enough to allow me to be horrifically unwell all the time

and hopefully still put out a quality product so thank you for that but it did kind of impinge on my viewing of Fast 5 you might have watched this through a little bit of a I'm having a bad day lens well I was having a good day but I'm also somebody who's frequently just like extremely unwell

but never physically and I also did not have a great time. I also got a mental kind Yeah, I think the thing is, you know, as Jean-Paul Sartre said, right, like the kind of like modern conditions and the kind of repugnance of modern life can cause a kind of nausea, which was what I was thinking about for a lot of this. I experienced this as a very kind of gastric phenomenon in this film. I think it possibly the only person ever to have thought about Jean-Paul Sartre whilst watching the Fast and the Furious face. Someone hasn't seen the behind-the-scenes interviews with The Rock, because that guy went deep. into character preparation. Oh, I believe it, actually. I did enjoy The Rock's performance in this.

Yeah, he's doing an accent in this as well sometimes when he remembers. He is. He's doing a great accent. I watched this sound of body and mind two times because I was too sleepy the first time and I realized with some horror this morning that I didn't remember what happened in Fast 5 and that I should probably find out.

So I watched it today. And it wasn't, it wasn't great the other second watching, but the final sequence was, unfortunately I wrote the word awesome and I really did like the final season it was shit but anyway

we'll get to that as is the first sequence because we begin exactly where the previous film left off this is a good way of doing a sequel Don Torreto you are in Palestine action

you're going to prison for 5,000 years get on the meat wagon and they do he gets on a bus to prison in the orange jumpsuits that they make them wear in the fascist

If you subscribe to the Patreon, Kildjonesbond.com, you would know from our previous episode, Duel, that the bus cousin to the truck, ally to the truck, and as such, the natural predator of the truck, the Fast and Furious family. A pack of cars. A pack of cars. Approach this helpless, innocent prison bus, which is merely trying to drive down the road from one battle after another. is crazy how it's the same road. It's always that road. Yep. And they do some epic car Jim Kana, Travis Pistrana shit.

And I'm not entirely sure what they do here because they like, they harangue the truck, like killer whales around a sort of wounded whale calf. And then they force the truck to bump into the back of Paul Walker's dodge, which he'd think would somehow like instantly obliterate Paul Walker and his entire like neck vertebrae. But it actually causes the truck to flip one billion. times or the bus. Actually, causing a truck to fly into the air and roll sideways down the road for like several full rotations.

Yeah, killing everyone inside. Every single person in that truck is dead. They are so dead. A lot of the people that are in shackles on their wrists and ankles. And therefore, all of their leg and arm bones are just like dead. We talked about this before. Is being in a car crash wearing handcuffs good for you, right? And apparently if you're Dom Terrestrial.

right? Because he is some news footage which is just like 26 high risk inmates

all escaped all were recaptured nobody was killed except Dom Toreto who is the mastermind

amazingly no fatalities is one of these newscasters lines and I would like to say bollocks fuck off

you launch that thing into the fucking stratosphere that prison bus was like the first astronaut of the

Los Angeles County prison system. It's like... No, absolutely not. At the very least, some of the people on that bus have received like mild medical treatment

for sprains and are therefore now completely bankrupt and homeless. Two, three, four, five full rotations. Yeah, yeah. Dominic Tarasso is a soup like homogenet at this point.

They're scraping into it. There's no chats, dude. How good would that be as like a radical turn of a, start of this movie there, but they try and rescue when they just kill him. Shit. We killed Dom.

Oh, fuck. Anyway. When you think that the video game has essential NPCs on and it just doesn't, you know? Like, consist in the doomed world you've created. Yeah.

That's really good. So I'll make that out of it. And the doomed world we've created for ourselves is Rio de Janeiro. Yeah, because one of the newscasters goes, we can't find them anywhere in the United States. They could be anywhere. And we get the classic,

the same. Christ. The Redeemer. That's him. El Christo rey-posing Jesus of Rio. Brazilian drift. Rio de Janeiro drift. This is original Jesus as opposed to car Jesus, who is Dom.

We're going to lean hard into that, right? He is car Jesus for sure. One thing I do want to note very quickly is in this news coverage, one of the newscaster says, despite every eye in the country looking for them, where they are is anyone's guess. And I just have to say, that border software from the last movie

that alerts you 10 minutes after the guy leaves just keeps paying off. We've got to get less latency on that system. We are trying so desperately. Also, the thing is, they're there, in their cars, the same cars, which suggests that they drove from the US to South America, the reverse pluribus? That's really funny to do the whole way down.

Just drifting through the Darien gap. I, yeah, no, 100%. That's gotta be fun. So, Paul Walker, comma, pedophile. And Mia Torreto, they're a couple now. And they go to this, like, rough-looking neighbourhood. The favela, the favela from Call of Duty. They go to, yeah, they go straight to the Call of Duty favela, yeah.

Royds, motorbike, tranny on the back. You still have the favela, etc. So did you hear that they had a really, like, bad end, but like she's doing good now. Like, she's dating. She's dating women now, I think. Oh, yeah. Well, good. See you on the next live show, I guess.

God, the next live show in Brazil? Fans in Brazil. Hell yeah. Kill James Brazil? Kill James Bond live in Rio? Fuck, yeah. I'm tempted. We should do this.

Yeah, we should do it even if like no one comes. We should try to just put a show on and just say we did it regardless. Shows that are basically just tax dodges for holidays at this point. Yes. That's allowed. That's kind of what I do. And who do we meet in the favela? A spider from Avatar, which really surprised me.

No, it's Fat Mac for Always Sunny, who is in the first one. There is Fat Mac. Fat Mac's back, baby. It's Vince Toreto, Dom's brother. He's not his brother. He's not his brother. He's just a dude. He's his metaphorical brother. He's his brother in car. Christ. Fat Mac became a Brazilian drug lord. Just off screen, which is a beautiful. Anyone can be Brazilian, right? Like, that's the Brazilian dream. That's right. Like, and he's there, he's saying, and I had to do some research for this line,

you can get a plate of Fejuwada and a Kaiparina for 599 giraffas viado. Oh. Well done. Well done, well done, well done. But he's, he's cool now. He's chill. Him and Paul have this bit that's like, uh, and then it turns out he has a wife and a kid now. Yeah, yeah.

I like that we get to see his wife. I like that we get to see his kid. I like as well, but they're both black. And we see, like, black motherhood and, like, black childhood as, like, you know,

like a positive sort of grounding force that is making Fat Mac a better person. Yes. Like, this is good. I like this. I wish he hadn't have said the thing about the Fejuada. You know, it was very homophobic.

But he's still, he's still grown as a person. Yeah, he's like, his wife is so powerful. He's going like, I fell after you, specifically you, Brian, the Carpido,

O'Connor, destroyed my life in LA or Miami or whatever. I just fell through every hellhole in South America and I would have kept going, if not for beautiful wife, who saved me. He's a wife guy now. That you can be. Write that down, chat.

Write that down. That's important. Yeah, she doesn't get lines at all. No. She gets lines in Portuguese. Where she goes, you're pregnant Mia Torreto, aren't you? And Mia Torreto goes, yes, definitely.

Because you may remember listeners at the end of the last movie, it showed us that Mia can actually drive. And in the opening of this movie, she takes part in the heist to Freedom. And now it's just like, a woman, pregnant. Just kidding, she's pregnant, don't get a car ever again. Pregnant. How a girl get pregnant.

This will be unfortunate misogyny will be a theme. And Vince is like, Paul Walker doesn't know that his girlfriend, Mia, is pregnant. No, he doesn't know. They say that. They have a heart to heart out on the balcony. And like, these are, the aesthetics here is we're past kind of like boot cut jeans and we're into sad, tattooed beard man. in a way that like almost has like I was going to say special forces

they look like kind of chud seals you know being like I got feelings well so anyway Vince is like we've got a job in mind it's we're gonna

make some money it's easy enough that we don't even need Dom to do it who hasn't shown up in the movie yet into his face he's off doing some other shit yeah they said that he was in Panama which actually does

he got lost after Panama which really does support the idea that they drove the whole way down This is probably another like Star Wars extended universe thing that's like a comic book or something. Yeah, he's doing Riddick shit right now. But so Fat Mac in Brazil or Matagroso, if you prefer, is like, what we're going to do is we're going to hit one of those Brazilian trains that we have in Brazil. That's so many trains. While it's traveling across the Brazilian desert that we have in Brazil.

And this made me look into whether or not Brazil has trains. And it really doesn't in a way that may be quite sad. They used to, but now they don't Now it's just like light rails They should bring those back Lula, come on, buddy Yeah, for real For real

Make with the trains Southern Southern Pacific, I'm talking The Canadian Pacific Of Real Pacific is It's not Pacific is the other one It's Atlantic is not No it is Southern Pacific No no I mean like Brazil

It's not not the Pacific at all Regardless So anyway There's some cars being transported On this train So we're going to steal these cars. Yeah, he describes this as simple and easy. Remember those two words when we describe what this heist consists of.

And Brian gets up and as he's walking through the train, he sees two guys with DEA badges. The DEA not associated with anything that is simple or easy for criminals, I suppose, unless it's like trafficking them drugs. And the idea is that him and me are inside the train and they will steal the cars and the crew outside will drive alongside the train in like a cool buggy with a truck loader on the back of it.

They'll cut through the side of the train and then they'll like, stupid vehicle. Yeat the cars sideways onto the fucking truck bed, tip it up and then a driver gets in and you go v-vum and you drive it away, right? Yeah, I have a slight question here, which is this off-road truck that they're using. Yeah. Ethically, factually,

spiritually, is that a truck? Can a truck be made to serve the interests of Carmen? Is this like a traitor to truck? It's like a K-car, right? That's a tanked truck. Yeah. That's like a... That's the bastardized truck.

That's the pug to the truck's wolf. It's a kind of Comprador truck. Yes, absolutely. It's like a borsoy, you know? Invin it was bred to hunt wolves in this extremely extended metaphor about trains. For sure, for sure. And the trucks are Palestine? No.

I guess, I guess so. Listen to our bonus episode on the duel. We did miss a bit, by the way, where when they're having this heart-to-heart, Brian then does go to Mia and is like, we could just ditch all of this and go to anywhere. We could go to Hong Kong. We could go to Moscow. Because she suggests these places because they don't have extradition treaties. And the idea of going to Moscow and then getting drafted into the war in Ukraine.

Just because of bad time. Be it ever drift. Yeah, drifting into the Donbass and getting hit with an anti-tank missile by like a Ukrainian National Guardsman. very, very funny and probably a more honourable end for Paul Walker than he actually got. The Russians are losing 500 matchbox cars a week out there.

Just wading through like spools of FPV drone wired. Just driving the kind of up-armored but still vinyl wrapped skyline. Yeah, you put the armour on top of the vinyl. Like, it's layers. I mean, to be honest, like back in the real days of Osson, This was mostly about what cataloging the war in Ukraine was about was finding photos. Those are things like this happening.

But anyway, so one of these cars, by the way, is a Ford GT40, which you can learn about why it's cool from a movie called Ford versus Ferrari. That's a real Carmen movie. There's bickering over who, because it's not just our normal guys who are in this heist. There's also a couple of new people, a couple of rough-looking customers who Vince has brought along. And there's some bickering about who gets to take the GT40. It seems like that's specifically a nice car to have. So Dom insists that Mia take it. Oh, Dom is here, by the way.

Yeah, Dom arrives. Yeah, they like, they like, when, when Mia and Brian get to the car that has all of the cars in it, they like blow torch out of the wall. And like, as it falls down, you see Dom there, like, still wearing against the white. And it's like, oh, my God, it's Dom Torado from Don Torado. Somehow not taken off at the shins by the metal.

Yeah, you see them all hit the deck when that comes on. So, so like the guy, the Brazilian. guy with him though is wearing the most about to betray you expression it's possible to have. Certainly. So Don tells me, hey, take the GT40 and go to a different location, go somewhere else. And this ends up starting a fight inside the train car that alerts the DEA agents. Yeah. Who come in and Brazilian guy shoots all of them, right? He John rips the fuck out of these guys. Yeah, he does. Yeah, he does. He does a great job. Rambos him. Um, your walker jumps out onto the truck outside.

Dom is, is like, Dom throws a guy out of the train and definitely kills him. I was surprised by that too. This is the first time in the movie. It is not the last that Dom definitely just straight up kills somebody. Yeah. Uh, we do not hear that Brian gets a technical cronstein. He does. He does.

He has to, he has to hijack the truck that he is on, which means attacking the driver, technical Kronstein immediately. Yeah, we also get a creative little bit of action sequencing here. Like a cool thing to do, listeners, if you ever writing an action scene, you want your hero to be disadvantaged in some way. And so the henchmen who had the blowtorch, like, has that and is using it as a weapon. So it's quite, we get like a cool action sequences they're fighting on the back of this. Some good ideas in this.

I'd blow out the blowtorch, I think. I'd be like, someone's threading me with, like, in a circling torch or something. He, like, gets control of this piddly little vehicle and drives it. back into the train. This is, it's all practical, by the way. Most of this movie's practical effects, which I do really, really respect them for that choice because I know that there were computers when they made this.

Seeing this movie, dog shit, working on this movie. Probably incredible. Yeah, I bet it was a great time. I bet it was a great time, actually, yeah. Seems like they destroyed a lot of cars. He does do Brazilian train 9-11. Yeah, he does. He does.

He does. He does. He hits the train with his car. And he even fucking comes off the rail as well. like really bounces and it comes back. Yeah, like almost derails the train. Sick. Just as it's about to go over a bridge over a massive like river chasm as well.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. So Dom steals the last car. He presses triangle makes to the last car and drives it out of the train just in time. I assume this is some kind of cool car that makes car people go, wow, it's a whatever to me. I'm just like, this is a silver car. It is a cool look in silver car. It's a silver corvette question.

Yeah, 60s. seven I think there is a kind of fun sequence of shots where he drives it functionally sideways off of a speeding train it like nose dives into the dirt and the next shot it's immaculate I love yeah really good yeah very fun but he rescues paul walker just in time and then they drive off the edge of the cliff and they go over the cliff and they both fall into the water and it's like it's one of these kind of movies it's one where like there's a big action scene and afterwards your two guys go that was a stupid fucking idea pal and they like yeah rough each other's hair up or something. I have to and I don't want to. You had to make a call, huh? But I do to this, ma'am. Shitty call.

Also, I really can't stress enough how much they just fall at like terminal velocity for like 10 seconds. It's a real like aim for the bushes shit. It's really quite funny. The rolling, exploding car behind them also. I guess maybe the car breaks the surface tension? It's not. I know these movies are going to get less and less plausible and like grounded in reality as they go on.

So I'm not gonna be like cinema sins dinging these for that, but it is like, just so you know, that's the genre we're operating in where it's like, this is live action cartoon, right? Yeah, yeah, we're getting, we're getting a little bit cute with physics here, in a lot of ways. But so they get immediately held up by a huge number of Brazilian gunmen, like gangsters. See, now I've said gunmen like an actual word, I've fucked up thinking about Carmen, you know? I'm just like... Yeah, I guess so. I think it's good.

I think it's good that we're blurring. I guess a gunman is someone who lives by the way of the gun. Exactly, yeah. And they end up hung from the ceiling by chains, like chainmen. And this villain... Yeah, this cut is so funny because it's just smash cut to them both hanging by their wrists. And Dom is like tanking it. He is not even visibly uncomfortable.

He's just like hanging out, which is like, this is ludicrous, right? It's a really good sort of model of masculinity to be like, I can support my body weight with my wrist tendons. It's fine. Yeah, fuck you. The chains hanging right in his face as well in a way of it I found to be really amusing throughout the course of the scene. It's just really, this is, him tank it like this is why he's not subterraso, you know?

Exactly, exactly. He's not giving like, kind of like good reaction like Brian is. But then we get the villain. Yeah, this villain walks in, he's like, hello, I'm one of the kind of slightly, you know, slightly disposable villains of this franchise. Hanan Reyes. Those Reyes, I'm played by a good actor who's showing up. I'm the don of Rio de Janeiro.

I'm crimes in Brazil. I'm crimes in Brazil. I'm going to... Where's the GT40? That's the important thing. And they're like, we're not going to cheerier because that's me as it. Yeah, he's like, just tell us where the fucking car is

and we'll let you go. And Brian correctly observes that the entire room is plastered in fucking roofing plastic, like a fucking Dexter. I don't think you'll let us go. I don't think you're gonna do that. Something I like, by the way, is that the crime boss, Reyes, he like threatens Mia.

And you see that the goon who betrayed them earlier is like visibly uncomfortable with this. It's like, I maybe have some moral qualms about the job that I do, you know? Which is funny. But then this guy's like, all right, cool. I guess we'll just let you hang here for a bit and then we'll ask you again later. And then they just, he leaves in the mayor immediately bust out. easily, actually. It's like a joke. Dom genuinely just like moves his arms apart

and is like, ding, all right, I'm not, I'm not like chained up anymore. He starts hitting people. He was here for conveniences sake. They never had him, really. Yeah, and I guess they also only left like two guys guarding them because they get back to Mia in the garage and like nobody's followed them or anything.

It's fine. This is really getting kind of like mythological. You're forgetting that no weapon forged against Dominic Touretto will prosper. It's one of the things. You know, the thousands of years hence, people will be asking about us, you know, did we really believe that Dom Teressa was a person who existed, or did he occupy more of a kind of a metaphorical role in our culture? The historical Dom, obviously, is like, is, produced the Dom of Miss.

And there probably was an empty car, because otherwise, when people said the car was empty, they would have just gone back and checked. Yeah, but who knows why, yeah. Exactly. Like, if it's going to embarrass Dom, they wouldn't have made it up, so it has to be true. Yeah, whether he really, you know, rose again, we'll see. So, so Brian has to explain ex-fedly that the feds don't like it when you kill them, right? Yeah, it's just really good.

Yeah. Not many people do. Excuse me, stewardess. I speak Fed, right? And so like, I know that they're going to do some like Kiki Kamerana shit to us, right? Like they have to send a message that like you can't kill a Fed relationship. They're going to send their largest guy for sure. They're going to send their toughest, biggest guys.

They're going to send the biggest guy that our current budget could possibly stretch to. And he's going to be talking on like 1.75 times speed for some reason. He's going to have a little bit of an accent, which... Yeah. It's really cute, actually. I like when the accent comes in. Yeah, it's nice, actually. I like...

He's going to have a really, really meaty walk animation. He is. Because it's the rock. It's fucking Dwayne the rock, motherfucker fucking Johnson. And like, this is 2011. 11 the rock too. So like he he hadn't quite become the kind of charm and charisma factory that he is now. And like, yeah, he's, but he's just doing like old rock stuff.

And it's like, again, I realize I want to talk. I think it's the opposite. I think he was more charismatic. He gets more back in the day. Really? He's definitely, he's closer to wrestling at this point. Yes, he is. That's what I'm saying.

That's, yeah, yeah, yeah. He really does hit, like, wrestler in a movie thing, which as we know can be a real winner. Like, we like, uh, definitely. Dave Batista, right? I like John Cena. Both of them have this kind of almost shyness about it, where it's like, oh, shucks, I'm just a wrestler. You know, it's like, no, wrestling is a very specific form of physical acting. And seeing them kind of blossom into that like Dave Batista can be great.

But it's also, it's really, it makes you feel kind of protective when you're just like seeing a guy acting who clearly thinks he's just kind of a dumb meathead. And you're like, no, you're doing great, man. You're like bringing it, bro. You're going to get a spin-off movie, dude. It's all good. Yeah, yeah, for sure. We'll watch it. I like his performance in this.

I will say that, like, again, I want to talk, but the goatee is abominable. It's like sprayed on. It's like really funny, yeah. The Matt Walsh spray on beard. But like, terrible. The thing is, if you've seen the fugitive, right, what he's doing is Tommy Lee Jones in the fugitive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's outhouse, hen house, cat house, dog house. whatever yeah do it all he's wearing a kind of like empty plate carrier the whole time a really tight black t-shirt he's kind of giving like like fighting game character

yeah he is actually yeah that's a good point like he looks like he belongs in like street foot or something he meets up with a local Brazilian cop and brutally frame mocks this guy because he's like it's crazy yeah

get the fuck out of my way there's one specific local cop I want to be my translator and my in-country liaison her name is Elena get her for me and they goes like, why do you want her? And he's like, shut the fuck up, don't ask questions. Yeah, he goes, I like a smile.

My other thing what I want you to have to do for me is stay the fuck out my way because you're obviously corrupt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he will be proven right about this. He is right. Again, this is a grievous insult to the great nation of Brazil, et cetera, et cetera.

And it's quite misogynistic. It is, very. Because it's like, essentially what he has done is he's gone, you're all corrupt, give me your hottest cop. The crew take apart the GT40. Vince arrives and Paul Walker's like, oh, interesting, where have you been?

Where have you been? Is that 30 pieces of silver? Where have you been, jingling in your fucking cargo shorts? You Judas, fuck. That's crazy. I didn't see you strung up with me and Dom just now. Yeah, that's not. Were you in a different cell, bro?

Oh, you must have been strung up somewhere else, huh? Judas would have been so much better off with the cargo shorts. That's so convenient. You can just drop the talents right in there. Yeah. So this is one of the points of which we increment one of my least favorite features of the franchise, which is fight broken up by woman going stop it counter. Oh yeah, fuck me.

It's on Mia this time, but like it bounces around between characters. It was in Tokyo Drift, where like, the only role of like the woman and that was to go Yamete. Yeah, and also the underage woman who was like, Da will settle this through racing. Yeah, yeah. It's like really like gross to make your sort of women pull apart your action figure men who are banging into each other a bit too hard. And Dom, Dom forgives him because Dom, Dom trusts him. He's like, hey, he's family. Dom's like, yeah. If he said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. He took a war. Dom is Jesus.

Can't stress enough how much his teachings and his sort of like of his way of dealing with his followers, this is car Jesus. He is car Jesus. It is. So we then go to the nice panelled boardroom. where Reyes is... Almost perfunctory scene here with our villain profound.

Yeah, you realize that shit, we've got to establish some kind of character where he's like, two people tried to colonize Brazil, Spanish and the Portuguese. The Spanish rolled up and they had their weapons

and their bullshit and we killed all of them. The Portuguese rocked up with like gifts, you know, and made themselves invaluable and now that's why we all speak Portuguese, which isn't, you know, not phonyonymy, it's a pretty accurate,

but it's a good metaphor for him to use to explain why he gives the people of the favelas like stuff. He's like, I'm a little bit smarter. I'm a little bit different. And like, because the guys he's talking to are not Brazilians, but are South Americans. He's kind of like insulting them as well. It's interesting to do your organized crime explicitly as a neo-colonial analogy. That could be something.

It is kind of funny to be like, yes, the thing about Spanish colonialism is it didn't work. Yeah. It's like, no. I'm pretty sure it did, bro. It worked. It's also funny to be like, I'm not like a kind of cheap thug. I do things a bit differently here. Yeah.

You know, it's a small place restaurant, so you order like a couple of things per person. He even says to them like, I don't want to work with you. You're too violent. I don't like violence. What does he do for the rest of the fucking movie? Well, as we see, this is some non-performative management technique. He's nodding his head, but he's really shaking his head. He also sounds a lot like Stell and Scarsgar.

It's really alarming. It does. It's going unusual, isn't it? Yeah. It's also, by the way, his guy, his goon is the only guy here who pronounces his name correctly in the whole movie when he speaks Portuguese to him. Because an R, like an initial R in Portuguese is, in Brazilian Portuguese, is an H. He is Hayes. Like Hoise-Grace.

Only gets hit once. Everyone else calls him Reyes. Everyone else calls him Reyes. Yeah. All my notes say Reyes. I didn't even catch the one proper one. Single, single cultural insensitivity point going on the board for that, I think. Right. Yeah. Dom catches the Judas, Vince, messing with the GT-4. and confronts him about it. And the GT40 has a special computer chip in it. And Vince knew this all along and didn't tell him during the highest.

So Vince endangered them. And Dom casts him out of the garden, the garage. Dom's line specifically about this when he finds out is he punches both sides of his head against the wall and goes, damn. You should have come clean. I also wrote that down. Yelling, yelling, you should have come clear. It's like the most kind of supportive possible thing being yelled at you,

which is a really funny way to imagine. Jesus. He's already preparing to have forgiven him. I love you. Come on, I would have been like, that's okay if you told me, man. I was hanging out. I was one of the apostles of Jesus. He just like cabadoned both sides of my head and then yelled the beatitudes in my face.

Like, it was really, really strange. And horrible erotic. He said, love your enemies. You didn't say it would be easy. Come not to bring peace, but a sword. But he does cast him out. He goes, get out of here. And he leaves the movie for...

Vince makes quite a trench. critique. Don, he calls him out. He's like, this, this family shit that you preach to us is actually just personal loyalty to you, Dom. That's what you want. You don't want family. You want to be a patriarch.

You want to be in charge. And I'm like, damn, okay. That's some fucking trenchant critique. This will not come back. You're running a kind of cult here, Dom Teressa. It's also crazy how much. Too much heaven on their minds. It's great.

It's also crazy how much all of the men in this look like action figures. Like, they're too big now. That will not stop. No, it won't get worse. That will compound so strongly. At this point, the rock meets Elena, and we learn that her backstory is also that she's defined by a man, because she had a husband who was murdered in the favelas,

and then she became a cop. And it's like, I think about Carol Pateman problematic, I know, and her book, The Sexual Contract, and her idea that at the core of modern society is this unwritten rule that women exist for men. And I'm not sure that's always true in the society in which we live, but it is definitely true in these movies and this movie specifically. Every woman in this movie exists for a man.

Even Elena, who exists for her dead husband. It's like, yeah. And then he's like, you're the only cop in Rio who can't be bought. I'm like, bullshit. Go for the classic screenwriting technique of it's like, as you remember square brackets, your backstory, am I right? And she goes, yes. This is not to sort of like valorize the military police of the state of Rio de Janeiro here, right, who are corrupt and also worse things than corrupt, right?

But to be like, you are the one cop in Brazil who is like not corrupt is. You're Brazilian Serpico. You're wearing the Brazilian bucket hat. And let's also bear in mind that like in the first movie, Paul Walker was textually a corrupt cop. He worked with criminals and let them go. he was all the way through until the last movie. Yeah, yeah. He was a corrupt cop in the previous film. He was a corrupt FBI agent.

In the movie that's coterminous with this, the movie's attitude to corrupt cops is, I don't know, sometimes you go to meet a cool guy. Yeah, sometimes you're just corrupt, whatever. Yeah, sometimes you hang out with like Jesus, you know, like Paul was a tax collector. Oh my God, that's why he, yeah, Paul Walker is like Paul of Tarsus. Anyway, he is.

Exactly. Clea, Paulian conversion on the road through Panama I guess. On the road! On the road! We're getting to some weird places with this. Just Saul of Tars is drifting a fucking camel

and then the fucking vision. Gotta let Jesus go. Divine presence to be drifted. Yeah, so like functionally what we get is a scene where the rock goes find these guys through some bullshit and then they find them through some bullshit.

Yeah. The gang realized that the chip from the GT40 is a kind of like full Uber-Eats order history of all the drug money that Reyes moves around because he doesn't do banks because he doesn't trust banks. So he keeps his cash in houses and so they now know they know where all his money is. Why was it on the train? Why were there? I don't know. There was a specific bit by the way. I don't remember where it is in the narrative where someone says of Reyes, he's smart. He doesn't leave a paper trail. When the one thing we know about him, And first is that he has not only left a paper trail, he has left it in the hands of the DEA. He's left one paper trail and it's so comprehensive.

All the paper and like there's not even a password on it, actually. Yeah, you just have to plug it in. It's crazy. Yeah, but so the, the Rock and his team go to the favela to arrest Dom. One thing I like is that they show up in like an MRAP, right? They do, yeah. And with a sort of like similar level of consideration for civilians, like there's a, bit where they're just like fanging this around a really tight corner, crowds as pedestrians. But the great thing about a favela, right, is at some point we'll do Tropa de Elite on

this, but the great thing about a favel is you can just drive in, right? Yeah, apparently. And like half a dozen gunmen, gunsmen, fat max various gun friends. Yeah, again, just gonna kind of- Spider from Avatar comes out with his full order. He just gets like, mogged. He gets, like, mugged. Yeah, they get gun-mogged. They literally get gun-mogged. because all of these guys are there with their guns and the Rock pulls his bigger gun

it's like a big revolver which is epic and everyone's like oh I see you have a bigger gun no you've got a gun to a gunfight yeah it's like oh damn you've got a bigger gun but at the exact same time as the Rock and his boys attack the garage Reyes's goons also attack so we have like a and the gang

run across the rooftops seeing the Rock run in this movie is like it's crazy I'm like a little bit scared actually because he goes, he fucking moves. How does he stop? My favorite thing is when Dom jumps whenever he does parkour, he like throws his arms

out to the side every jump. He can see it in the shadows. He's doing like Naruto run. Don't turn out and doing the Naruto run to go faster. And I do want to say, Dom, with respect, lose the stubble now. Oh yeah.

That she looks awful, brother. I want a smooth thing. You're a cue ball. Be a cue ball. We get two distinct jumping horizontally through a window shot, like Hit him DangerFive. Yeah. Yeah, I think. One of them is soap McTavish, I think.

I start torturing a guy in the back of a car. Yeah. No, it's the car battery in the garage. Yeah, yeah, for sure. We get a little bit of a rock versus Vin Diesel tussle, but then Vin Diesel runs away. We get, it's like all very MMA. Yeah, he does, yeah. Because the goons, the Reyes' goons start opening fire at Elena and

And Vin Diesel runs into her and like gets her out of the way. She's yelling, I'm a cop and they're still shooting. And he like pulls out of a side and goes, they can hear you. They know you're a cop. They're still shooting you because for Vela. And it's like, how long have you been a cop here? Yeah. Like the Brazilian police are, you know, absorbing a like crazy casualty, right?

Like it is like sort of legit urban warfare down there at times. But so we then get a kind of interesting fantasy of violence where the episode, where the epic feds then like wipe out the favela gangsters. Yeah, quite brutally. Like dozens of impoverished Brazilians just sort of. Yeah. And we go. Yeah.

Woo. You know. It doesn't feel good. Which is the type of shit that your actual Brazilian police are doing in the favelas where they will just go in and kill a hundred or so people. Functionally, like extrajudicially, you know, are they gang members? Are they all gang members? Were they all armed?

Were they armed at the time? Who knows? But they're killing them anyway, right? Because of this kind of fantasy, right? And I don't know. It's bad. It's bad. It's not something that this movie necessarily owns a lot of

on account of this is just dumb American shit doing a kind of drive-by on your country, but it's like brushing up against some very real and bloody politics, you know? Yeah. Also, like this movie is much more, well, It's going to have a much higher unprovoked violence score. It's much more willing to have a high body count. I mean, remember in the first movie where Paul Walker shot Johnny Tran?

And then we had a moment where he knelt by the body and we got a reaction of like, I did just take a life shit? And like now we're just like gunning down impoverished Brazilian teenagers in the street. And it's like it's nothing. Suggesting the sort of value of Brazilian life in this movie is significantly lower. I'm also doing the kind of like you can track the development of fascism by looking at the Lego cop thing. I mean, like you can track the development of American fascism by looking at the body count in the fascinating. Furious movies.

Yeah, kind of. You really can, yeah. But the gang get away anyway, and Elena finds Dom's iconic cross necklace. Yes, she does. Great. Yeah. So Mia says that she's pregnant, right? Now?

She chooses this moment now? Yeah, she chooses now because Dom and Brian are like, we need to split up. They're going to be looking for the three of us together. We've got to go our separate ways. And Mia goes, I'm pregnant. Can we be a fan, Bably? She's like half deep in open and open sewer. And she's like, I'm, I'm,

So Brian is confused because she's, you know, an adult woman. He's like, I don't understand. Dom is mad because they're A, living in sin and B, he just lost his necklace. But he's like, we're not, we're not gonna set up, we're not gonna like split up. This is the moment that they truly became fan publicly. They do a big hug and what's really interesting is that Dom knuzzles into Brian first. Yeah, I also wrote that down. He just rubs that big old bald head directly on the side of Paul Walker's face.

There is something interesting about this scene, which is that like, Mia announces that she's pregnant and say, okay, you are on the run from the American authorities, the Brazilian authorities and criminals in every country. You don't really live the kind of lifestyle that would be conducive to raising a happy and healthy child. At no point in this movie is, does any character even think that Mia might possibly terminate this pregnancy? No, no. They're like, it is automatic that this is going to be carried to. 100% baby, we are going to carry this.

You are going to have this baby. Interesting that, like, there's no mention of marriage, which is, you might think that might be there. But no, it's like, no, it's fine to have, like, a baby out of wedlock. But, like, you, the idea that she might get an abortion or that it might be sensible or prudent or, like, even just a conversation to have is just like never mentioned and that is nuts to me. Yeah, for real.

It's fucking crazy, dude. Okay, so we go back with the Rock who has found the card that's like half assembled. The gang have escaped with the Uber Eats order list. Yeah. And he's like, he does some more epic stuff because he says all these guys are is names on a list.

Yeah, because Elena is like questioning why these guys would have done all of these crimes. It's like these seem incongruous. It doesn't make any sense. Why would they kill the age? They definitely, like, it doesn't make any sense. If they roll the bus that many times, he's definitely dead.

It was like six. When did the Tokyo thing happen? Was that, is that in the future? That's in the future. They had flip phones, but it'll be, it's in the future for now. When flip phones come back, then it will be to. Maybe everyone in that single Japanese high school just thought flip phones were fucking back in. And it's like in the mid, maybe they were right to do it.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Maybe. But so he's like, Find them by reassembling the car and figuring out what's missing. Yeah. It's like they took it apart for a reason, just put it back together and whatever's not there is what they took. Okay, sure. Okay, fine.

We see he's kind of a hard ass with his guys who are basically anonymous chuds. Yeah, and that's a point worth making, I think, that he's a dickhead to them and they don't really have characters. Because, like, the fact, spoilers are they going to get fucking wasted later on. And this is like a big character moment for The Rock. And I'm like, all you did was bitch at these guys. There's one of them that's called Wilkes, which is my beautiful beloved Becker's surname. And every single scene that they're in at least at one point, the rock goes, Wilkes, and it really fucking shitter her up every time.

I don't know. Maybe it's just one of those relationships that you don't realize you value that much until you lose it. Like, damn. My boys. There's some real like Renee and Disco Elysium type shit where it's like I used to love being a real dick to those guys. But so the gang are hanging out, they're hiding. They're in hiding in a new safe house. And we get another heart to heart where Brian confesses that like he didn't have a relationship with his father.

And he's worried he's going to be a bad father now that Mia's going to have a kid. By the way, listeners, Mia, not in this scene. This is not a conversation he's having with the mother of his child. He's having it with Dominic Toreto. He's talking about it. Man talk slap on the ass type shit. And he says to Dom, he's like, you know, what was your father like, Dom? And he's like, well, my father got in a deal with a truck driver in the 1970s.

And Stephen Spielberg made a movie about it and they did it on the podcast. He's like, no, my father, you know, my father in heaven sent me to in the Dodge Charger to be God Jesus. I want to pull. General trivia just popped up on the Amazon side. It says Vin Diesel is a producing partner with George Zak and that company is called one race productions cool the human race

what's up gentlemen welcome to race ones come on guys come on yeah so this is this is like weirdly like confessional

and like emotional in the writing the way it's played is very subdued right either that or I was just too busy being sick into a bowl but like again

it's like men talking to men about men feelings yes there's also an interesting moment where Dom says his father was basically like an ideal guy

like he was attentive. He helped me with his homework. He says they went to church every Sunday. He threw a barbecue afterwards for the whole neighborhood. And if you didn't go to church, you didn't get any barbecue. And it's like, sorry, which is it? Was it for the whole neighborhood? Or was it only for the people in his specific denomination?

Because like, I just, I don't want to let that slide fast. I'm like that you portrayed the entire neighborhood as only the people who went to your specific church. Interesting. Also, also is why he says that he used to stay up like helping me. with her homework, you know, kind of resigned to letting his son do like quarter mile drag racing, but like your homework, man. Well, he did drag in high school, he said in the first movie. Yeah, exactly.

But like, but like his daughter is the one who's going to sort of like, is like aspirational. He would stay up every night learning eyeliner shapes just to help me up next day. This is the type of shit that you get in the confessional bit in drag race. Every so often I put the spoon against my eye and I'm like, I don't know what I'm fucking doing with that. I don't even pretend to know. I gotta look that up. That's a good technique. Well, Deb, you taught me how to contour. I, thank you so much. Well, I was, I, I learned it all from a lot better than my notes, which is like house everyone's relationships with their fathers. Mine's positive. Very good, actually. He's a lovely mom. That's, uh, yeah, good.

Fucking jealous because he's somewhere in the South Pacific at the moment, fucking living the life of Riley. Anyway. The life of Riley is also in the self. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My parents are doing this thing where they're just like, now that they're kind of like retired, they're just kind of traveling around the world doing epic shit and like Antarctica I think right now that I think my they've just been to like Fiji and Tahiti and I'm like you bastards

that's when you retire to start spending the money on how about a good time see the world boys it's good check out of China so they say well we gotta get out of the life because we got to provide some kind of a nice atmosphere for this baby we gotta go to Moscow right

we gotta have a good life in Moscow yeah where we can like We're hitting all the heights. Moscow. Taiwan. South Korea. Yeah. Yeah.

Good luck, everybody. The disputed border zone between Sudan and South Sudan. Like, which is that one? So they say what we're going to do is we're going to use the Satnav chip. We're going to rob Reyes of all of his money. And then we're going to use the money to disappear. One last job, baby. Great.

One last job. The last thing we'll ever do. But we're going to need a cruise. We'll need a team and it's going to be all the guys we know but we're going to have some sort of bullshit excuse to get each one of them in. Yeah. Yeah. We're going to need a chameleon and we're going to need someone who can blend in anywhere and there's shots of Han. And you're like, how does Asian man in Rio?

Sure. Sure. Yeah. All right. We'll need a fast talker. We'll need someone who can bullshit their way out of anything. At this point my hype level hits the fucking roof because we see Roman Pierce. Roman's back.

Thank God for the first time in what feels like. Yeah, we'll need Ludacris, we'll need the two cool Mexicans we run with and fucking Galgado, why not? You could graph my excitement going up and down. Yeah, we're back in some. They say we're going to need a hacker so we'll get

ludicrous. At no point in the second movie was here still as to be a hacker. He's a circuit guy. I don't think that means hacker. They also say we're going to need like a gunsmith who can stay cool under fire and it's Galgadot and I'm like, the only gunfight we've seen her in so far, she's stood in front of a moving car, unarmed

And you had to save her life, Tom. Like, she's nothing with guns. Whatever, she's back. They've changed their mind. She's an operator in this work. They have fully changed her minds about their back story. They're like, fuck it. Everybody rolls up.

A Mossad level of sort of like operator self-mythologizing, which will come up later. Which, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So one last job. Specifically, when they all arrive at the garage, Ludacris and Roman hit on Galgadar and she pulls a gun on them. And it's just like intimidates them with it because she's tough.

see. It's epic, yeah. She's so fucking thin as well in this room. She's terrifyingly thin. Like 2010. Yeah, this was what? 2010. Yeah, 2010. Really just like... It was real bad back then. No good at all. I think. I have another thought about that later on.

I don't like this one, but like, don't starve yourself. Come on. Absolutely. This is where during the briefing, uh, somebody says he's never been busted because he doesn't leave a paper trail about Reyes. Mm-hmm. Yeah. They have a little oceans like like, boom, boom, boom, like putting the crew together.

And they're like spiraling shots of a fucking blueprints thing. And they're like, okay, we're going to hit Reyes' cash houses. And they're like, but if you do that, as soon as you hit one, he'll move all the cash. And Dom's like, exactly. I know. Yeah, exactly. It's great. Roman goes like, this sounds unbelievably personal.

That's not good business. I'm going to get myself out of here. And then he's trying to steal $100 million and goes, you know what? You know, sometimes I just say a lot of, I say shit before I even think about it, man. Don't worry about it. I'm back in the group. I'm still it. And I respect that and I'm mostly. I kind of, I kind of like this. It's kind of funny. I like him. I like him. They go jocomote, though, because they hit the first cash house in an armed robbery.

They do go joker vote. They hold these workers who are unarmed at gunpoint. Not a big fan of that. Yeah, all of whom are women in lingerie as well. Exactly. That's interesting. Like, your traditional kind of like fan service thing under the pretext of like, so he stopped them from stealing money or whatever. Like, this is a debt that this movie owes to something that sucks independently. Incidentally, by the way, Ludacris does describe getting his $11 million as a whole lot of vaginal activity, which is gross, but does make it sound like he's getting pussy surgery.

Yeah, it does. I think that was Roman, which surprises me because I thought Roman was transmask, so a whole lot of vaginal action. Well, I mean, maybe he is already transmask, but he's going to get transmasking the praise. No, but I mean like getting the pussy surgery back? Interesting. Yeah. No, maybe. You can't step in that river again.

I don't think so. But so I think you can do whatever you want. But the main thing is... You can give it a solid shot, but it's harder. They go joker mode by burning the money. Mm-hmm. The size of a tangerine. Yeah.

And this prompts Reyes to like... It's about sending a message. Move all of his other cash in the cash houses into a different, like a single look. He consolidates it in a secure place. Oh, nice. They're going to do an Italian job thing. It's going to hit these cash while they're moving. That would be so much smarter.

No, no, no. And that would also explain the excruciatingly long surveillance scenes where they like find the money and like follow the money, right? But no. But no, no, actually. No. They just end up accreting all of this money together into one vault in the military police station.

Yeah. And ludicrous is like, yeah. Well, that was a fun. idea for a heist, wasn't it, boys? He's outplayed us, basically, on this one, because we would be robbing a police station. So they have this scene where they're, like, standing on a rooftop, looking at the police station, like, we're never going to break in there, and Dom's like, through the power of car, Jesus, my father in heaven, anything is possible.

But also, two things I want to note, Mia, not in this scene. Not in this scene, she's at home, she's pregnant. Not here. Gargadot, in this scene, no lines. Yep. Just standing there. Nothing to do. Higher, more women, hyasters.

Yeah, just there. Great. Present. Like a. a character in the final season of Stranger Things, just present at the periphery of every scene. Just there. My next note says,

pressing L1 to enter Hobbs vision, and I don't know why. Yeah, because the Rock figures out who they are and what they're up to, basically. Yeah, the Rock like comically easily discovers that the chip is missing. Oh, yeah, he does, because he's looking at the GT40 with, like, one missing part,

and he presses L1 to activate Hobbs' vision and understands that, like, humanity is a kind of, like, requires is the leviathanic governmental structure to keep us from like war of all against all. He also uses the identograph. He uses the facial recognition software on a 10 second delay to identify them

when the crew entered the Brazilian border, they have the facial scans. And he's like, that's fucking Han from Tokyo drift and that's Galgadot. She's going to be Wonder Woman. And then that's all these other people too. Yeah, that's Miss Israel, 2000, something. Ooh.

She was a model. She's got to start through modeling. Which is crazy because in a bit she walks in a bikini and she can't fucking walk. We'll get that scene. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy. Anyway, it can't be smart to move all of your money instantly to one location. We get another really perfunctory scene where the guy goes to report to Reyes and he's like that boss, they, they fuck out possees.

Right. And Reyes, the guy who previous scene was like, I'm not like Spaniards. I'm a little bit smarter. I move a little bit different. I'm not violent. That's very interesting. stoves the guy's brain in with like a paperweight. Now, I mean, this would be interesting if I thought it was intentional of the sense of like,

oh, the guy's just a hypocrite and then kind of like self-mythologizing. But like, I think it's genuinely they forgot what they did earlier. I thought he was just going NHS mode, but he's like, I'm nice and then I'll just, and then he just kills him. Can you be the NHS FFS where you just hit yourself really hard in the face, like clavicular? Like, yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's what they do.

Yeah. A little hammer. But so what they do is they've got to get into the police vault and take a look at the actual vault itself. So they send Roman in disguised as an FBI agent, bullshuts them. Love this idea of having a face who can't stop getting into arguments. That's a really good idea. There is one thing. I mean, first of all, like, this being the cops instantly vindicates the rocks, like all Brazilian police are corrupt thing.

Yeah, straight away. Roman has this line. He's like this one just went from Mission Impossible to Mission fucking Incredulous or whatever. And I just, I'm like, yeah, went from Mission Impossible to Mission Impossible to. Fine. Great. Finally got to the joke that I wanted to do that. Oh, was that the joke? Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry. Vote from Mission Impossible to Mission Impossible too. Yeah. We'll get to them eventually. Eventually. Yeah. But what he's done is he smuggles a little remote control car with a camera on it into the evidence vault. so ludicrous who is apparently a hacker now

could like take a look at it they talk about the vault like it's a woman and I'm like oh interesting women can be cars but also vaults in the sense of being penetrated as well yeah yeah yeah the vault

yeah as a kind of seduction problem is when you open it if you look in you're going to cease to exist that's the problem yeah that's the problem with the vaults but it will make all nuclear weapons irrelevant yeah somehow somehow

yeah the two bickering Spanish guys like blow up a bathroom and cover it in shit I've said I'm bored of this movie already man I do kind of like these two um yeah their character is Don Omar and Tego Calderon There's one Brazilian cop who won't let Roman in

when he's disguised as an FBI agent that guy later on goes to the bathroom and the entire bathroom explodes like he just went number 27 IBS will strike when you least expect it That's so true Mm hmm yeah like a fucking pipe bomb into the

into the pipe, I suppose. Yeah, and so the two, the two Spanish-speaking guys have to go in as plumbers, right, to, to, like,

install the fuck- They hack the cameras because the camera wire is in the wall of the men's room, so they, like, they can now see the police cameras

in the car park. It's all getting a bit Stephen's soda breads at this point. It is, it is, it's so oceans. It's like oceans, Avengers.

On the oceans, because they keep showing us heist where they explain it afterwards. Yeah, and it's like, Keeping up, boom, don't do that to me.

So they look at the angles of these cameras and they're like, we could drive in, but we would need a way faster car. And Dom knows where to get one. This is the rest of the movie is just that we need to do this heist at some point, but we need like progressively faster and faster cars. And this will be like the ticking. This is the progress bar that is going in the back of the movie that will eventually lead us to the end. At one point during this, I wrote down, this movie has had 45 minutes left on. it for an hour and a half. Like, and it does feel that way in terms of the pace.

It does drag. I thought we were going to get a fucking installment of this franchise where we did not just have an illegal street race scene where we used women's midrifts and titties and asses and shit and shit. But no, mandatory. Mandatory. We cut to the Brazilian illegal straight race. I had gone so long without remembering that women are objects.

But thank God here's a bunch of TNA to just really put me back in the fast and furious mindset. and almost to like drive it home. You cut across all of this just fucking disgusting sexualization of people and then it gets over to Donterode and he's like, we're home, we're back in the fucking where we wanted to be.

It's bad. Something that's really funny about this now in hindsight is that this is similar to Galgado being like a size zero zero. All of these shots are of like thighs and teeth because they hadn't invented asses being sexy yet in Brazil

What's happening? I'm like freaking it out they're like showing me asses and I'm going first of all that's exploited if that's misogynist but where's the ass I feel insane is the ass behind the thing you're showing me now

these feel like two contradictory statements but they're the same if you're going to show me the ass why is it cultural insensitivity it's ridiculous it's not called a German But lift. No.

Exactly. But so there is a blue portion that is faster than like any of the cars they have. And they meet a guy who of course knows Dom because everyone knows Dom from stream racing. And he's like, I'll race you for the car. And then they don't show the race. They win off screen. They cut to Dom getting back to the fucking the gang hangout with the car. He won it.

Come on. Show me a fucking rate. Like, what? It's a little race. You did a two-hour fast and furious movie and didn't have time for the fast and furious bit. But also what that whole scene is telling us is that like the illegal street racing is not what is important about this franchise. What's important is the fucking objectification of women. And I'm like, I'm sorry, fuck you.

Fuck you, movie. Fuck you. But so they do a bunch of trial runs where they've marked out a course to try and It's going to get past the cameras. It's going to get worse. And they try it, but none of them can do it, even in the faster car. Yeah. Also, Han likes Galgadotte.

He's like, oh, damn, she's hot. Gargado drives fast and hot. We see Han. It like clicks in his mind, and it's like, oh, no, brother, don't. No, my friend. At this point, you should have had the BDS air scoop. But so at this point, they discover another obstacle, which is that the vault has like a palm print scanner.

That's obviously going to be Reyes's hand. Right. So they send Han and Gal Godot to go and get his fingerprints. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. At the beach. They have this little talk at the beach. At the beach. Where he's like, damn, you're on some like straight up massage shit?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, he noted that the gun she pulled on him was a Jericho, which is like the fucking IDF sidearm or whatever. And like, he's like, whoa, that's so cool. When did you get out of the army? How do we feel about that, huh? I think you know how I feel. There was this interesting time in Hollywood

around about this time when having been like a former IDF soldier which Galgadot is in real life or like having been in Masada Israeli Special Forces in particular being a woman and having done that was seen as like a cool thing this was a thing, believe it or not

like this was a thing that had real cultural capital in the United States in Hollywood because it was like a girls get it done women are tough like the toughest women in the world like you know israeli special forces women and like and I think that's what they were kind of writing for gargadotte as the backstory of her character and like that is partially something that like helped her career because around about this time she became a national symbol of Israel it may well have helped her to the Wonder Woman casting although you know I'm sure she gave a good audition too but like and then just as she reached the kind of like apex of that month

obviously like public opinion massively turned against Israel, right? Because of the fucking genocide. So yeah, that's why these movies appear like weird now. The Alex-O-Struck for Death Blow and now we all understand. Yes, yes, yes. You know what invented this was NCIS, right? Really? With an actress who was Chilean, right?

Like she wasn't even Israeli, but she played like tough Israeli Special Forces. Yeah. Either way, this shit hits. so much harder in like mid-2010's peak Israeli pop cultural influence when the IDF was like this byword for like the ultimate operators when it was like the Mossad that's the like special forces unit that even our special forces are scared of yeah it hits less hard now that the IDF are broadly understood as an army of hillbilly rapists and TikTok influences with the ideology of Hitler that fail completely one v1 against any non-toddling opponent.

And hard, it's just like how many kids did you kill with that Jericho? We specifically to like apply this to Mossad, right? Israel's like foreign intelligence service is like now that it's sort of like, what did you do? These are the terror bombed Lebanon. Like they're with the pages and everything. But also partly that, but it's also like, what did you do in Mossad? Yeah, ran Jeffrey Epstein and like, uh, fucking like sold spy.

to like every dictator in the third world, right? Like, it's not as epic anymore. But so the deal is, she like, sees Reyes and she's like, don't worry, I've got a plan. She's gonna like, look him up. She's gonna like, go go to go over there sexually in a bikini and get him to like, put his hand on her ass. The problem with this is that 2000 or whatever Galgado in a bikini at a size double zero is frankly like a Brazil six. She, yeah, and the problem is she like throws off this sort of like shawl that she's had over her this whole time and like walks sexily towards this guy. And it's, and she, oh, she's too thin.

You want to be like, are you okay? Yeah. You're expecting a Brazilian guy to be so horny at the sight of a woman in a bikini in Rio that he's like, I must touch her ass immediately. he wouldn't be touching fucking anything else when would you have the time like this is it's all this yeah

yeah that's her big character this is also and just like like forgetting the whole Israel thing this is her character's like big moment in the movie and it's about how hot she is and that she can get her butt touched by anybody

fuck you yeah fuck you movie fuck you how dare you do this even too galga-dou Like, this is disgusting. So I hate that we've gone, we can't sexualize Mia anymore because she's pregnant, so here's someone else to do that job. And it's like, fuck you.

Yeah. Bad. But they get back to the thing with the bikini and they go, got his hamperin. And everyone's like, yo. They work out that it's Hobbs, the Rock, who is chasing them. And Brian has to do some like intra-fed hyping where he's like, he's the greatest guy in the way. when the FBI wants to find somebody, he's who they call,

which is really funny, I guess. So they work out, they're going to try and, like, lure him out. It's also, like, really weird watching this now that the FBI is a bunch of, like, podcasters. Yeah. FBI also fucked. Cash Patel has sent this guy directly to Rio

to sort this Dom Torado problem out. This is ridiculous. Huge decline in, like, PR for... Yeah, yeah. The Rock is walking around asking for specific. windbreakers. Yeah. It's such a shame.

I can't wait for the movies made about the current FBI, though. That's going to be so... Oh, yeah. I can't wait for the James Bond movie that has like a secret bit where he meets a jumped-up FBI agent

and he's like, how's your podcast? You know what I really want to see is a Secret Service movie that kind of like hits the jarhead thing because I read Carol Lessig's book Zero Fail, even before they almost got Trump killed a couple of times. And on 9-11,

the Secret Service sent agents up to the roof of the White House with AR-15s to try and, I guess, shoot down a plane. Like, there's so much of this shit that would be so funny to write. But anyway, so they come up with a stratagem to, like, lure Hobbs out, which is to go to Brazilian race wars. Mm-hmm. Yes. And let me just tell you, this is a sentence that is going to make me sound like I've

suffered a deep brain injury. A couple of days before I saw this movie, independently of anything else, I saw an AI-generated version of this scene with Obama trying to arrest Charlie Kirk and Nesson Yahoo and Tel Aviv. I also saw that video. Against my well. I have not seen that and I choose not to. I shall show you it. I didn't mean to.

But Twitter was like, you like this? You like this? You want to see this? Why are you still on Twitter? That's the problem. I'm not. Blue Sky doesn't have the source. I found out Prince Andrew had been arrested.

I went straight to Twitter. Like, I'm sorry, Blue Sky. Blue Sky has the source. I've been yelled out about shit that you can't even imagine on there. It's a great flavor of sauce. Blue Sky is a combination of like people scolding you on like really weird angles

and like people doing like, yo, punchline? You just said punchline? Did this guy just say crazy? Punchline. Punchline. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck me. Christ. Yeah, but there's no ads and I don't have to look at Nazis all day. So. Yeah, whatever. I have to look at liberals and I consider them broadly the same. Yeah.

You've seen, Nova, you've seen what happens to trans women who say on Twitter. It doesn't look good. It's getting, it's like the ring. You're going to be like in a cave. Like,

it's not good for you. It's bad for your brain. Every, all of this is bad for me. I'm sticking my head in a big pyrex bowl full of like horrible worms or something, whatever I do, you know? That's just the world now.

At a certain point, it's like you can't just shut the blinds on this anymore. It's escape containment anyway. Just go back to like the bodybuilding, dot com forums or something just like go back. Like a niche forum and just like this is where I'm posting that. At a certain point it's just like outside

where they have the Nazi banners it's like yeah because we live in fucking Nazi Germany like it's I don't know. Anyway they show up at race wars right. They do show up at Brazilian race wars. Hobbs shows up and is like you're under arrest and Charlie Kirk says

I don't feel under arrest. Do you feel under arrest Benjamin Netanyahu? Yeah and then yeah who goes no Not at all. The Rock is so sweaty in this scene. Yeah. I don't know whether that was a character choice or whether The Rock was just very warm

on the day they filmed it. But Vin Diesel's like, you're not in the United States now. And then everyone in Brazil has a gun, unlike America. Yeah. He like, The Rock, a guy who arrived here, I think probably about a week and a half ago, puts his arms out to his side and goes,

This is Brazil. That's Vin Diesel. He really overpronounced. This is really good. Yeah. It's great. Everyone pulls a gun out and you're like, cool. Yeah, this guy is Jesus.

I love that like, because the Rock cannot be seen to back down, he has one of his boys tell him to back. Like, in case we thought that the Rock was a pussy, he has one of his guys be like, uh, boss, I think we've got to maybe like, that's a lot of guys. I don't know. And so as to like not, you know, let his boys down, the Rock is forced to leave with a tracker that Ludacris has planted on his MRAs.

while he wasn't looking. Mm-hmm. Fine. Indeed. Elena gets home that night and finds Dom waiting for her, and he takes his iconic necklace back, and she has a dead husband shrine. With a little bit of sexual menace. He like pins her against the wall and covers her mouth, and he holds this for a bit longer than

a previous Dom would have, I think. I think so, I think so. It's a little bit darker and edgier post-last movie, Dom. Yeah. She even remarks on this. It was the woman who gave that to you, important to you, and he's like, whiz-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. It's interesting because I'd mention it if at work a colleague started wearing our, like,

Target's iconic necklace. I would too. Like, you're wearing the iconic necklace. That's Dontera's iconic necklace. I know that. Anyway. You don't want to, like, check where he got it, you know, run some analysis on that. No, I'm just going to just wear that big necklace.

Okay. So they try to do a kind of interesting thing with, like, shared grief here, right? Mm-hmm. Well, it could be interesting. It isn't because it sucks, because the movie sucks, right? Where they both lost somebody, huh? And they're meant to have a kind of a bond. But it feels so paint by numbers that it's just like, no.

So they work out how they're going to defeat the cameras, right? Invisible cars, but not invisible like died another day. Invisible like another movie. Yeah, like the cars of it they would be expecting to see in the security cameras. Invisible, like the Thomas Crown Affair. Yeah, exactly. They steal some cop cars, smart. And then they go, oh, we should probably have like a street race in the movie.

We should probably make them race in the movie. Street race scene earlier. But yeah, they could have, couldn't you? But no. No. They do the cop quarter mile at the time. And it's kind of suggested that Dom lets Brian win. Yeah.

They're in cop cars. They do a lot of talking shit to each other, genuinely who gives a fuck. And they just do a street race. And Dom. The other people in the race tell Brian that Dom let him win, but I don't... Barn and Roman are like, ah, Dom let you win. I don't know. Enough back cast.

Yeah, maybe doesn't... Maybe it doesn't... Maybe it doesn't... Anyway, Vince comes back. Mia's in the movie again. She's at a market and Vince is like, Reyes, goons are hunting you, let's go. They go back to the garage.

Dom instantly forgives him. He's like, okay, whatever. You could tell that I stopped giving a shit because my note here is verbatim. family grace food barbecue family family yeah pretty much that's the scene that's the whole fucking scene that's the start to finish Dom's like cool welcome back

sorry I've just remembered from the previous scene of a drag race Brian says to Dom don't cheat this time to remind us that he still saw about that one time that Dom PIT'd him and Roman says that he's hungry they've neutered my boy

he's not hungry he's how hungry he's yeah what the fuck this. This is ridiculous. A couple of things I pulled out here. One, Han and Gau are talking and she sucks. She hits him with the line. When life is on the line,

that's when you learn about yourself. And I just need to know when the hell your life is ever on the line in Mossad. You know? She worked. Her IDF service, she was a sports trainer from ages 18 to 20. And then she didn't resurve.

Yeah. I assume she was like a left tenant general for that. It's ridiculous. Yeah, no, she's actually like the highest. Oh, no, you can get any idea for the one. Yeah, yeah. Physical training instructor. Maybe what she meant is when life is on the line, not necessarily yours, when someone's

life is on the line. Yeah, when someone else's life is on the line. When our life is on the line, you know who you are, i.e. the person who takes it. Yeah, I guess so. It's disgusting. I also like Roman Pierce's exercise in social niceties here, which is he outs. Mia is pregnant because she's not drinking and he goes, Hey, why aren't you drinking alcohol with us?

What's wrong with you? Yeah. It takes like three attempts for him to take in that she can't drink either. This is always a good idea. Huh? What do you mean she can't drink? Is she like gay? And Brian like rubs her belly a little bit and he goes, oh.

So at this point, Hobbs gate crashes the situation. No, next day on the day of the highest he crashes in. Oh, sure. It is, it is. Yeah, they have a nice night sleep, I suppose. And both the count of like horizontal jumps through windows like Hitler in Danger 5 and women yelling stop to break up a fight

go up by one. Well, he crushes Vin Diesel's Dodge first. He kills the BDS Dodge. He kills the BDS Dodge. And Vin just made a mistake. And we get the epic rock versus Vin Diesel fight, which is actually a pretty good fight. It's pretty well choreographed. They kind of

smashed through a bunch of windows and shit. It's fun. Yeah. Yeah, they know they were building to it. They thought about the choreography. We see that Dom maybe thinks about almost going murder mode again. Like he's got a hammer and he like stops himself at the last second. Because Mia is, of course, being like, stop. No.

Yeah, just make a notelessness that like, and the Rock notices the Rock is like, oh, the Rock will remember this. Like, Vin Diesel respects human life. And I'm like, he definitely killed that guy earlier on. He definitely killed that guy. He threw him out of the train. And we'll kill many more people in this movie. But like, yeah, it's just like, oh, Dwayne Johnson.

Johnson will remember this. Yes, yes. Yeah. The next one it just says, yay, more gunfight. Yeah, because they load them all in the MRAP and they're driving them through the favelas to take him to the airport, to take him away. Oh, and they get clear and present danger. Yeah, they get ambushed by Reyes' men, and the Rock's men get killed, and he's just like,

no, not, uh, uh... This is so fucking good, right? Like, because they really, they really over-reg this. He's like, like, blown back on the ground. like with an RPG and he's forced to watch as his boys get killed, one of them in the funniest possible way, a grenade lands by him, and then in case you didn't get it, a second grenade lands by him. Yeah. It's really good, really, really good. Yeah. Multiple grenades.

Yeah. He's getting like mega traumatized by this, even though he only was mean to these people. And like, also by virtue of the last scene, all of them were standing around watching him getting the shit kicked out of him by. Dom Teresso and didn't intervene at all? He told them not to. He said, don't worry, I got this and then didn't get it. He did not got this. He did not have that. He didn't got it. He did not have that shit, no. He has to get rescued by the family.

Because in slow motion, Dom wearing his iconic cross necklace, reaches down and lifts the rock up, spirit first and then they join in and they get away. Yeah, a classic sort of like predator, two meaty guys shaking hands. Yeah.

We love to see it. More of those will be occurring. Yeah. As they drive away though, it's Elena the Rock and the gang driving away in the MRAP and Vince is like

I'm not gonna be in the later films Dom oh I think yeah he got hit by a bullet he dies he dies he dies I can't believe

he named his son after Dom yeah I named my daughter I named my son Nico though not like I didn't name a Dom

my name after the alternate Dominico nickname Dominic yeah cool he's like

I'll watch after your son I'm not really... The weirdest possible expression in the movies, this comes up a couple of times saying that you have eyes on someone to mean that you are protecting them. Yeah. I don't... Like, we have the watch now, shit.

Yeah. But so the Rock now owes a wookie life debt to Dom Toreto. He does, yeah. Unfortunately, so. That's a real like a mission type shit. Yeah. And I don't know, it might be kind of interesting. interesting to explore this kind of Javert situation he's found himself in.

But no, he's just like, yeah, cool, I'll be in on the heist with you. Yeah, basically, Don is like, we're doing the heist. We're going to do the heist. And everyone else in the room goes, why the fuck would we do the heist? They know we're here. They know that we're aggressive. They've like tripled security at the police station. We're so fucked.

Why would we do it? And Hobbs is the guy that goes, I'll join you in doing the heist. He's like the first follower. Yeah. He's the way they get in because he drives the MRAP through the wall. of the police station. Exactly. It's just about

the right kind of car for the right kind of problem. You need an MRAP so that you can drive it through walls to get in. And he just like fully starts killing Brazilian police officers. This is a guy who works to the US government

who's just like on Brazilian soil just like killing police officers and we're told that these police officers are corrupt but again so is Paul Walker and so is now the Rock. The Rock is now a corrupt cop working with criminals to steal money from drug guys like come on.

It's like the Lego set of Sicario being built in Duplo. So at this point, we get like the big set piece, which is they have repainted two of the cop cars black, right, to be epic. Yeah. And they just hook the vault to them and with like big chains and they pull the vault out and they just drive away with it setting off a good infinity police cars chase. I love an infinity police car chase.

I also, I love this. This is the set piece that actually sold me back on the movie because I was fucking flagging hard at this point. But this is very clearly they're like, okay, we've got a 10 tonne vault, we've got two cars attached to it with chains. What can we do with this? And they spend 15, I think, solid minutes just sort of doing everything that you could do with that concept.

It's very like point to point sort of stunt. There's a lot of momentum. It's like swinging around behind them. They definitely kill a lot of police officers with this thing. The thing is that the cops always obligingly start shooting at them right before the cops get wiped the fuck out so it's like legally not unprovoked violence. Something I appreciate is that Brazil just authentically in real life

does have infinity different kinds of cops with like different cop cars and different cop liverys. And you get a real kaleidoscope of cop cars getting fucked up by a 10-ton vault here. Yeah, you get all of them. It's really good. They also know that it will be sonically disgusting to hear that many cop car sirens going at once. So they're instead doing the sort of like short, sharp micro sirens.

Yeah. Where they like appear in a shot and they do like this hyena like just like, who, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo. Yeah. And then it's like, that's a cop car. I get a cop car as a kind of dog. It gets excited when it's chasing. Yeah, absolutely. Love it, love it.

Roman gets the baffling line, this is big boy stuff. Yep. I don't think it is. No. I wrote, yeah, this is heisting. No, this is, this is heist racing. This is podcasting. This is vault racing.

But so they do, they do the fucking prestige in a way that's very obvious, right? Because Mia is on the comms because she's pregnant so she can't be driving. And she's like, all right, you got 10 seconds to do the big prestige. And they use the two cop cars that it still look like cop cars to, we don't see what it is. But they... They do something that we... and then they keep going with the chase scene and we get a flashback later

Ocean style. Something that we forgot to mention earlier is that they bought another copy of the vault to show I guess how difficult the vault is to get into and I go Ocean's 11. Yeah, Ocean's 11. Also, with what money?

With what money did you buy that? Yeah, they just hand waved it away. They just go like, yeah, I had a life before. Brazilian Amazon Prime? Brazilian clana, yeah. Plan Al. I would be monitoring person. of that. Yeah, same, so would I.

This would have been a case where the money that they set fire to would have come in handy, I think. Yeah, we tried to deliver your vault and you weren't in. Just lobbing your vaults over your back fence. Got to go to the local post office, pick it up. They got it with a concierge. I have to drag it across the fucking bar. Every

actually delivered it to a place like five doors down, and now I've got to rent a truck to move it. So they go out onto a causeway because that's easy to film on. And they're like, We're never, there's too many cops. We're never going to get away. Car Jesus, please activate your self-sacrifice lobe.

Yeah, Don does his special move, which is self-sacrifice himself. Yeah, presses his button in his car that only he has, but like disconnects Brian's car. Yeah, not sure how that works. You go, be with Mia, raise your famer blee, I'm going to turn around and hit every single cop car with this vault. Yeah, also, if you could tow the vault with one cop car, why did it need two of you?

Whatever. He pushes the button. He's like, go and liberate the Donbass from Ukrainian oppression, right? Godspeed, too, yeah. Fucking, it's like pro-Russian shud Domterato. And then, like, it turns around. He uses the vault as a wrecking ball.

He kills infinity cops. Yeah, he kills so many police officers. A bunch of Brazilian cops into a cube, which I think kind of maybe should be done, but not by this guy in for these reasons. It's like Katamari Damasci. many cars hit this vault over the course of this.

And they're all practical and they all visibly get absolutely obliterated by it. There's one where he like uses the chain to shear the top half off a cop car, I guess perfectly decafenating two Brazilian cops. Yeah, those guys definitely died. Reyes' goons pull out a fucking minigone

and Dom still wins. He wrecks Reyes his SUV with his car. Great. He does this unbelievable like morning star like hammer of media hammers shit where he like swings the vault around and then he jumps out of the car

in time for his car to get picked up by the momentum and swung around to crush Reyes' car. It looks pretty fucking sick. I gotta be honest to you, I had a really phenomenal time with that. And then they do 500 fake out endings. Yeah, because as Dom is about to close in on Reyes,

the goon from earlier whose name is not important is about to kill him because he has a gun. And Brian has a gun. has come back and has gotten way better and less hesitant and guilt written about just killing a guy. Because he just fucking domes this guy off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He says, I thought you told you to go away.

I had to make a call. Brat-up, bra-da-b-v-v-v-v-hmm. Yeah, it's like in the first sequence, he said that as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, now it's a call-out. Reyes, like, his car's been hit by the vault, so he's, like, incapacitated. He's injured, he's unarmed, and he's asking for help. And the rock rolls up and shoots him twice in the head. Executes him on the ground.

That's for my team, you son of a bitch. Appreciate that. We'll bump up the scores, but I did think it was cool. The only person who, like, thinks this is bad is whoever was writing the soundtrack, who just goes like, oh. Yeah, exactly. Everyone else.

Everyone else thinks it's missing a clue in L.A. No, not even that, like missing a note in guitar. heart hero. Like, you just like, ah. You shoot that guy. It breaks a bunch of quests, but it's like, I'm getting him out my fucking way. I don't care. Yeah, no, for sure.

Essential NPCs. No, he just murders the guy. It's crazy. He just, like, murders that guy. Contrast this to Fast and Furious 2, where they explicitly took the villain alive and sent him to prison. Mm. Get it all violent. I don't like it.

Much, much. And he's like, ah, I'll give you 24 hours to get away, but the money stays with me. But I'm keeping the money. Yeah, Elena is also here. So they have. sexual tension. Elena, who by the way were shooting cops

in the police station and the one. I'm like, did they don't have wives? No. It's hard to know, really, isn't it? Well, the thing is,

like, my revenge is, like, beautiful and justified. Your revenge is sort of terroristic and sort of, like, unprecedented, right? Yes, exactly. I said, fuck, your feelings. I believe that about myself.

Yeah, that's fine. My feelings are beautiful. Mm-hmm. Facts to care about my feelings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But of course, inevitably, 11.

They have versions 11. Yeah, we see them. They drive away. They open up the vault and there's nothing in it and the rock laughs and that's the last we see it. It's like, ah, they got me. It's not even a good joke because the punchline to that joke should have been that it was the bikini bottom in there.

That's how you, that's what that joke is. So, so you know how the, like, you know how Dom and Elena had that scene earlier with their like, huh, it's weird how you just keep grieving somebody, right? and you don't necessarily fix it, you just have to kind of go on as best you can. Well, Fat Max Widow is delivered, like, sorry we missed you, thrown into her apartment, duffel bags full of cash. This is so okay. How is that going to fucking help?

That's going to make my life so much harder. How am I going to get that? She's so happy. She's so relieved. no one's told her that Fat Mac's even dead. Yeah. Oh yeah. Did they...

They should put that on the note. I hope that's on the reverse of the note. They didn't... But Dom leaves her a note being like, hey, I guess I'll be back to check in or whatever. Here's $11 million. Does not mention at any point during this, your husband bled out in the back of an MRA.

It was on the back. Yeah. P.S. Vincent. Sorry. Yeah, PS Fit. Oops. Kind of our fault that that happened. The two Spanish-speaking guys do...

a movie called Ballad of the Small Time Gambler for one scene. I like for two Spanish speaking guys. Ludacris starts a garage with his share of the money, even though he already had one in Fast and Furious 2. And he even says in this, when they're talking about how to spend the money, he's like, I want to start a garage.

He's already had one, man. What happened to that? Do you remember Suki? Remember a girlfriend, Suki? Remember Suki? You came here from your garage. Yeah. To, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. But he starts it, whatever. And, uh, and, uh, and, and, and fucking. And, Roman rolls up and goes, check out this property I picked up, both a car and a woman.

Yeah. And there's like a scene where there's, the shot is just like car woman and it's just, it's just ludicrous and Roman just looking at them and go like, nice, it's good that we have that property now. And then ludicrous is like, I've got car and two women.

I've got the same car and two women. Yeah. It's crazy. Awesome. Han makes out with Galgadot, and she's like, do you want to go and die in a fiery inferno in Tokyo with a bunch of school kids? And he's like, maybe at some point. And he goes, we'll get there eventually, which I really like. Knowing, yeah, I kind of like that one.

Hey, someday. Yeah, yeah. Someday we'll get to Tokyo. Yeah. So then, of course, we then go to Moscow, the next department down from Bashar al-Assad, where Dom, Brian and Mia are. hanging out. No, they're on the beach. They're on no extradition beach. One of the things I think is most contemptuous about this movie.

Elena is also there. Yeah, Elena rolls up too. No lines, but she is here. No lines, but she's there. No lines. Elena and Mia end up talking on the beach about girl stuff. We don't get that conversation. We don't get that conversation. They didn't know how to write it. We don't know how to write that one, so we just don't. Instead, it's just the boys, the impotent beach boys. The movie passing the Bechdel test in the background.

quite funny. They're talking about something it might pass the Vauxelsa? We don't know. They're probably talking about Dom. Presumed Beck Delta passed. How much they love Dom.

And Dom and Brian are like, do you want to race each other again? And I pin a solemn rosette of not filming the race again award on the movie. Instead, it just slowly zooms in on the two cars and then it comes to the fucking credit sequence.

The CGI credit sequence race. Cool. Oh. Did either of you? you bother to see the mid-credit sequence. There's a mid-credit. Good. Okay, let me be the one to tell you.

And let me be that this is actually exactly how Michelle Rodriguez found out as well in the cinema. Please tell me it's Hulk car origins. Wait, what? No. The Rock is handed a dossier that has a security camera photo that has just been taken and has like set off all of the alarms or whatever. And it is Michelle Rodriguez. Whoa.

She wasn't dead after. She wasn't dead. And she, this is the eye. MTV trivia pulls up. She didn't even know that. She saw this scene in the movie and was like, oh, I'm going to be in the next one. Awesome.

Really? She's not drafted back in. That's really good. I love that. I hope that is true. That's really fine. I have no reason to disbelieve it, but it seems funny. That would be unusual because her agent would know

that her image rights were being used in this movie. But it seems odd, but that's what it says on the side of the screen right now. I choose to believe a good story. That's a nice. I like that. I like that. Good for her. It's cute.

It's cute to imagine. What does Fast Five say about masculinity? Oh, it's Eva Mendez who's in this scene. It's Monica Fuente is from one of them. Oh, which one was she supposed to be? She was in the second one. She was in the second one. Oh, does she give the Rock for security photo?

She's the one who gives the Rock the Security photo. Oh, okay. Didn't clock down until just now. Yeah, sure. What this movie says about masculinity is women be getting pregnant sometimes, I guess. Yeah, there's so many different. kinds of women that you can be, you can be pregnant, you can be car, you can be near car, bikini model, I think that's it, that's all the major ones, you can be widow, but that's still being

defined in terms of a man. Ex-Mossad, if you need to kick a little ass, like, that's, do you know? Very little ass, a very, if you need to kick a tiny ass in Brazil. If you can swallow his ass at the world. Finding the ass with a microscope. It's real bad. This movie says that women's feelings are not important other than that they stop the men from hissing each other sometimes.

Yeah. Yeah. Being a dude is about you're hanging out with your boys. Family. Which is a lot more chill with violence now. It's just so, so insulting what they did to Mia because she wasn't in a car for any of the previous movies and then at the end of the last one,

they show her in the car to break Dom out and it's like, whoa, Oh, Mia's in the cars. And then they just hard stop. Mia is not in a car anymore. No, no. She's never going to be against. She's priming.

Genuinely, it made me wonder if there was some kind of like production thing. Like, could that actress, can she not drive? Was she genuinely pregnant at the time of filming? Like, I was generally like, because if she was just like, you know, ready to work and they did this there, there's fucking inexcusable. It's horrible. No, this was kind of a vile object, I'm afraid. I mean, it had some, like, spectacle to it.

but like the pacing is fucked. Yeah, it is. It's got a couple of sunset pieces and then it's connected by this kind of sinew of barbecue and fambley in a way that's like just kind of nothing. This is the, yeah, this is the sort of connective one. All the rest are very much of the elaborate heist for it involves cars. Okay.

All the previous ones were about street racing and it just is now, it's vampic. God's saying. It's now slop. It's slopped out. I'm excited for the rest of the slop. We have like five more of these as well. I think like six actually. And then fast forever. We do. Yeah, we do. There, yes, there are, there are ten of these and Hobbs and Shore as the cross-sover, which we will actually do. We don't have to judge these things subjectively because we have a science-based system. That's fucking true. We do. It's called the scum system. It stands for smum. Cultural insensitivity, unprovoked, violence and misogyny.

On a scale of zero to seven, how smami is fast-fying? I think it's getting worse. They've got a few more lines like, oh, dumb call O'Connor, like, whoop, whoop. I think it's the smamiest one for a while. Not quite as smarmy is too fast, too furious, but... Ludacris has a line that he first says to Galgado with regards to getting harassed grabbed by our main villain to get the handprint. He goes, did he just slap it or did he grab it and, like,

squeeze and he says this twice and it's supposed to be like funny. I think. He says it to Mia as well. Yeah, he says it to Mia with regards to Paul about getting pregnant. Four or five? I don't know. Four. What was the last one?

The last one was a two for Sma. Oh, okay. I think we're up in the fours here. Yeah, four then. Okay. Much as I want to give it five for everything just for symmetry. Hulchral insensitivity, this has got to be quite high. This has got to be pretty fucking high.

I mean, it's still a nice thing that the franchise is saying, you know, we've got like a multiracial group of heroes and that this is just kind of fine and cool. That's nice. They have multi-racial. None of them are Brazilian. Yeah. Apart from Elena. Elena is your one Brazilian character in this movie, basically.

Brazil is not really a place, exactly. Yeah, the way that they portray Brazil as kind of being Moss Isley, I'm not a big fan of that. No. It seems upsetting. Absolutely. What's worse? Okay, what is worse? The depiction of Brazil in this movie or the depiction of Japan in Tokyo Drift?

This one. It makes Japan seem cool, whereas it doesn't really bother to say anything about Brazil other than the, it's like a theme park for them. Yes, very true. I think specifically to set some of this stuff in a favela is much more insulting, you know, to use the kind of language of Brazilian. gang violence for your heist movie is

again you are dealing with some seriously dark shit that you are using trivially and arrogantly yeah so so bad four five I this is difficult actually

I guess five I would say okay I think that tracks I think it's the most culturally insensitive one we've had so far I think so and that does track unprovoked violence I think it's gonna score pretty highly. Because we're reveling in the violence a lot more this time, and there is like a straight-up

murder. The body is way higher. It's not as sadistic as like a rambo or anything, like your sort of like deaths are implied rather than the car gets crushed. But yeah, no, it's definitely a lot. Of course, get crushed like a shit low. I think it's worse than the last one, and the last one was a five. Yeah.

I could see a six for this, certainly. Yeah. We just straightforwardly say like, actually. Executing in unarmed man is like cool, if it's in revenge. Which is something that the last movie specifically disclaims. And then in a movie that again begins at the ending of the last one goes, yeah, but it's sick when the rock does it. So, you know, and those guys are going to turn out to be like sort of besties, I guess. Yeah.

And then misogyny. This is also going to be bad, right? Yes. On the one hand, we only have one sequence where women. are used as props in an illegal street race, which is an improvement. I'm reluctant to say that on previous films. You get one other, though,

where they're used as props on a beach. That's very true, yeah. We have a main character who just gets... And props at the garage at the end? Yes. And, like, pregnant is just, like, straight away, you can't do anything. The two types of women are, like,

pregnant and bikini model or widow. Yeah, I think it's still pretty bad. I think it's still in the punitive zone. I can see my way to a seven or an eight on this. Yeah, I... I would happily do either. I'd say for the sake of argument, a seven, I suppose. Dev?

You got a strong preference? Absolutely. Okay. That's hard math. And one technical cronstein for former special agent Brian O'Connor, Paul Walker. Yeah, it's such a shame that no villain henchman really stood out at all here. They didn't have any missed a surname. No, it's just paid by numbers.

Nothing. Nothing at all. Yeah. Reyes is nothing. His guy is nothing. There's just, yeah, no, really kind of perfunctory. I mean, the thing is, they kind of pick the fight with him in a lot of ways. They get the chip, but they just are like, okay, well, Mia's pregnant, so we all want to get out,

so let's rob the biggest guy in Rio. And that's kind of how they end on them. And the original bit, okay, he was going to betray you, but the original bit was like, you were stealing this for him for money. Why wouldn't you just sell it back to him? Yeah. Stupid. You're so right.

Wait, they could have just done that. Vince tries to, but he gets kicked out. Why couldn't you go and talk to him like the point of Tokyo Drift is? Yeah. You could have done this with one car and Uber. You could have gone over to him and be like, can we have a million dollars? And they'd be like, yeah. It's crazy. They haven't learned the lessons of Tokyo Drift.

No, they haven't happened yet. They haven't. True. They haven't learned yet. Because Tokyo Drift is the sort of end point of the franchise because it has its highest level. They'll get to it. It's deepest lesson of Dom Tereto Car Jesus, which is to turn the the other cheek, you know?

Yeah, and can't say fair. Well, that gives it a total score of 22, which is the worst so far. They are getting worse. Yep, that tracks. That absolutely tracks. I agree. I look forward to seeing what depths this franchise can plum. Will we have...

Oh, this movie is also exactly as bad as sex in the city one, by the way. Will we have a movie that is worse than Rambo 4 at any point? We've got five movies to go, but we're already in 22. If it continues this trend... In this franchise, I don't know, but like, I'm certain that we can come with others that will be. I think the thing that made Rambo distinct was the like gore. And I don't think this franchise has got that in it, but I could be wrong. I don't know.

Rambo is still, Rambo 4 is still leading on 36 points. I mean, it's going to be hard to top. It's going to be so hard to top. The actual war crimes footage, yeah. But that's fast five. Our next bonus episode, if you want to subscribe to the Patreon, which you should do. Fuck yeah, subscribe to the Patreon. We're doing Armageddon.

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No, it's called Fast and Furious, I think. Fast and Furious 6, yeah. Okay. No, it's, it's a fast fight, it's Furious 7, fast 5. Fast and furious 6. Fate of the Fast, Fast and Frozen. The fate of the Fast and the Furious family fucking barbecue. Faber, yeah, fantastic.

Thank you so much for listening. Yeah, sorry. And we will see you next time. Bye, bye. Bye. Thank you for listening to yet. episode of Kill James Bond. The next mainline episode in two weeks time on the free feed will be Fast 6, a movie

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