Kill James Bond! - S4E38: Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

Ohana means Fambily ----- FREE PALESTINE - With the ceasefire in full effect, the media has returned to ignoring the daily atrocities in Gaza. My friend Ahmed still needs to feed his family and afford medicine. Anything you can kick in would be hugely appreciated. https://chuffed.org/project/150817-please-help-ahmed-and-his-family-get-food-drink-and-medicine And these are some more general links you can support collective efforts with! -The Palestinian Communist Youth Union is doing a food and water effort, and is part of the official communist party of Palestine https://www.gofundme.com/f/to-preserve-whats-left-of-humanity-global-solidarity -Water is Life, a water distribution project in North Gaza affiliated with an Indigenous American organization and the Freedom Flotilla https://www.waterislifegaza.org/ -Vegetable Distribution Fund, which secured and delivers fresh veg, affiliated with Freedom Flotilla also https://www.instagram.com/linking/fundraiser?fundraiser_id=1102739514947848 ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ ----- Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com , as well as on our Bluesky and X.com the everything app account

Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined, as always, by my friends Abigail Thorne and Devin. Hello, gentleless cowabunga. It's a reluctant energy today. It's a cold and it's a broken cowabonga. My cowabonger is strained today, friends. Because the movie that I've just watched wasn't very good.

No, no. I didn't enjoy it. You didn't enjoy Fast and Furious Avengers? No, I didn't enjoy The Fast and the Furious presents Hobbes and Shore, which I will be titling this episode in full. Yeah, I consider this to be a sort of Fast and Furious Deadpool. It's the one where the franchise decides, we can cut a bit loose, we can make fun of ourselves a bit.

And like anything, it's set and setting, right? And so if you want to have a bad time, I really can't suggest anything better than a cover of Jim Crochet's Time in a Bottle by a guy who can't pronounce the word bottle. Yeah, because it's British. Time in a bowl. But he doesn't say any of his teas, it's I'm in a bottle. A bottle of water. Time in a bottle.

Yeah. Like the way I say hat that makes me dysphoric. Indeed. Ha. Yeah. Honestly, ever since I came out here, everyone's been fucking relentlessly owning me for my accent. The other day, the day was in the coffee shop and I said to a lady, are you in the queue? And she was like, what?

I was like, oh, fuck. Sorry. Are you in the line? Fuck off. Surely, surely anywhere in the world, Los Angeles would understand a British accent because like, where are they getting all of their villains from? Yeah, I don't know.

I will also say that somebody owned me brackets positive at the party the other night by presenting me with a sausage roll. She was just like, I understand this is what you fruit eat. And I was like, where did you fucking get this? Yes. There's a, there's a Greg's in the background of one of these fucking. scenes and I did go. There is.

Yes, I did. Yes. Yes, there is. So, Frank, I watched this movie, basically the moment we finished recording the last free episode, because I was on a high, I had had a good time talking to my friends about the bad movie. Maybe I'd forgotten but it was a bad movie. And I put on Hobbs and Shore on Monday morning, and I sent this voice message into the

group chat at about 11 p.m. on the Monday. Hey, girls. So I just watched Hobbs and Shore. And before either of you get eyes on this, I just want to say, I love you both so much and I really cherish our friendship. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Just a really concerning voice note to receive at any time, but especially before you're about to watch this movie. And I also had a bad time with this one.

It's not a good film, but we are inching closer to not having to talk about first of the first. and Furious films. I still think the Nadeo so far has been Fast 7, and this isn't as bad as that. Like, it was okay. Fast 7 is the worst one, both politically and spectacle-wise. Yeah, yeah. But this is now getting, like, annoying. Like, I don't know, it's insulting almost.

It's also crucially, because this is a kind of deuter canonical, you know, book in the Chronicle of The Fast and the Furious. We don't have Vin Diesel. We don't have any of the family. We barely, we don't have a street race. No. No, because we're not about that, because they realized that the source in the last mainline movie was Jason Statham and The Rock doing wrestling storylines with each other. And here's to think, that was fun when it wasn't written by Joss Whedon's worst imitator.

It's really bad. Every line is a line. There are some real clunkers. Yeah. There's so many trailer lines, too. Yeah. We'll get into it. It's not.

Dialogue certainly isn't my favourite thing. No. So we begin in Britain. We do in London. We can tell that it's Britain, both because it says, you know, time in a bottle and because we have the London skyline and because we have an intertitle that says London, England. And then we get shot of St. Paul's, just so you have a sense of place. Yeah.

From Cody Banks too. Yeah, they actually make London look quite nice in this, which is astonishing. I assume that was done on the computer. I think most of this was done on the computer. But most of this was done on the computer, yeah. And so we get a like tactical team wearing, like a kind of loose interpretation of the kind of like counter-terrorist firearms, like gray fits.

But one of them is a beautiful woman. And so we immediately, the plot and I immediately lose attention on everyone else involved, apart from the beautiful woman. Yeah. who we will be following. This is Vanessa Kirby, who is an actor. That is a fine way to watch this movie because she's the best one in this fucking film.

She is. She's very good. Yep. Vanessa Kirby, who is an actor. Also, also a currently working producer. I love that her hair in this scene is not, it's not like, it's not like in a military bun or anything. It's just kind of like rough or like piled up on one side sexy hair. I'm pretty sure that if you're in MI6, they just let you do that.

Yeah. You can have a messy bun at work if you're a super secret spy. That's what the M stands for. At least now we know what M stands for. So this is a sort of MI6 tactical team who are looking for a McGuffin in the back of a truck. And it's a liquid McGuffin this time. It's a sort of like spangly liquid. It's a liquid stored in a kind of computer console box. Yeah. Yeah. We know what it looks like. You open the lid and then there's computer screen and like liquid. Yes. We established that they are using electric rounds. So they're not killing people, which I'm like, okay.

All right. Okay. She sort of rating. All right. And so they sort of like, you know, zip tie and heard a few guys. They secure the liquid, they secure the goo. They do secure the liquid. Yes.

And then are in their turn ambushed by Idris Elba. Yes. Now, Hobbs and Shore came out 2019, so this would have been 19, so this would have been deep, deep into the Idriselba should be Bond chatter. And he's consciously playing that a little bit throughout this movie. Yeah, he's sort of cyber bond in some ways. He has like a... He's Ultron.

He's just Ultron. He's Terminator. He has a robot motorcycle. He has a Glock and a weird sort of... Not a shoulder holster in the sense that you would understand it, but a shoulder holster that has just been like blue-taxed to his shoulder on front. A holster, but it would be easier for the... guy stood behind you to take the gun out of.

Yeah. It will give that to the frontline guys at Starling Grab. That is a holster that is designed to, like, make it so that the audience can see that you have a gun when you were in a mid-class. That's what I was all. And some verbatim dialogue here. One of the MI6 guys goes, who the hell are you? And Idris Elvers says, bad guy, which is about the amount of effort, as I expect it, from this film.

He's the bad guy. He's the bad guy. He's the bad guy. This is the one where it gets properly Hamburger Shonen. Yes. Because he has, he like attacks them, but he has like enhanced fucking cyber experimentation vision. It's almost like hamburger Tonkusatsu more than hamburger shonen.

This is Carmen Ryder. He arrives here. He's an advanced humanoid. We've somehow gotten from street racing to like cyber terrorists, like electronically enhanced cyber terrorists. Don't worry about it. He has super speed. It's like super strength.

And he's bulletproof as well. Because Vanessa Kirby like shoots to them and he stops the bullet with his hands. He's got computer vision on his eyes. If this is happening in Britain, does this make this Greg sausage roll on Cassazzi? Yes. Okay, great. Fantastic. Glad we've categorized that.

But so she is sort of like backed into the truck as all of the rest of her team are massacred. And she decides, I've just seen this magical film called the Transcendant. transporter 2, in which you could get injected with any color of liquid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just kind of carry that around in you until they get to neutralized. We remember from transporter 2, green is bad. Purple is, purple neutralizes green. Yeah.

If you need to store a liquid, you is a great place to do it. Yeah, I would say so. Whatever you want to do. Oh, right in the blood. Just inject it straight away. Yeah. It's like a library, you know. Also, also, once you inject yourself, the NHS, they are not going to give you any treatment if you admit that you've ejected yourself for that.

Completely disavow you, yeah. It's crazy. And she slams it, she injects it into her hand. And I will say, they leave this on the table. There's no real hammy, like, this can't get into the wrong hands, or it's in safe hands. No one does any of that. It's a shame. It's evil liquid.

They could have been worse. I don't know. But so, Idris Alva then sort of, like, tries to break into the truck. He also has his goons. His goons appear at this point. He's got goons. All of his goons look like. And I don't say this in a derogatory way.

Look like they have exclusively acted in gay porn. It's crazy. These are stuntmen. These are stuntmen. All of them are standing like they are in gay porn. It's, there's a stunt. Yeah, these are stunt performers. Yeah, this is, yeah.

They're all in like, except. They don't teach you how to stand in stunt school. Okay, they teach you how to fall over. The shaking hands mean between, like, stunt performers and gay porn actors is they're in insanely good shape. And that's, I think, why you are making this conflation. Because these guys are like, clearly stuntmen. And they're all like cut. Insanely good shape.

Yeah. Kind of uncomfortable in front of a camera. Yeah. And standing like you're about to fuck something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the three points of that triangle sort of lead to a, like a center of these motherfuckers are all doing the Tory power stunts. They also all look fucking identical as well, which is, again, she's very funny. So he frames her.

He does. They kill everyone and he goes like, obviously she takes the fault for this. Great. I'm going to chase her. He gets on one of the dead guy's microphones and he's like, oh, Vanessa Kirby, who stole the virus! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a perfect Golden Ice 64, like guy getting shot.

Thank you. Just amazing. Just good. But, no, he's just, again, not giving a fuck in character as well. It's like, you know, just fucking sort the shit out, I don't care. And, yeah, gets on his robot, back and leave. But he actually says is, nobody could stop me now. And who's gonna stop me?

Yeah. It would be a split screen of... No one guy could stop me. It would have to be two guys. It would have to be two. But there aren't that many guys. Hey, what was your favorite PS2 game and why was it Army of two, the best co-op shooter ever made? And would you like a terrible implementation of that?

It then cuts across to a split screen view of Abby and I getting ready to watch this movie separately in LA and Wales. It's on one side Frank Transpals getting up and it's just gray and fucking miserable. and pissing it down. And on the other side, you've got The Rock waking up in this beautiful golden sunlight. He's reading Nietzsche. They put that in a remarkable amount of his shots of him getting ready. They do. That's the philosophy.

Which is really funny as well. It's one of the things is they position this as the rock is kind of the one who's like lifting weights early. Jason Statham, he enjoys the finer things in life, right? He's more of a kind of a bon vivant, which is really funny to make you believe that, yeah, next to the Rock, he's a smaller man. But, like, Jason Statenham got that way by never going to the gym and eating a lot of cheese is fantastic. Yeah, he got that better, getting a pint first thing in the fucking morning from a place where everyone's wearing flat caps.

Yeah, brother, definitely. The authenticity pub, it's real. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the Rock is fucking lifting away in front of a massive American flag that's up in the gym as well. Yeah. He's very hammy for the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. You get the mileage you expect out of Dwayne the Rock Johnson

circa 2019 out of this. Yeah, he's good. He's good. He's good. He's good. He's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's good.

But that's as kind as I could be. They both get the call, right? To go and, like, do some action. And they both do parallel action sequences because that worked so well in fast, whatever the last number of fast was. Yeah. Yeah. This one, it kind of doesn't.

It doesn't. One thing it does is it does do the ass shot that we know I love. So in Jason Sycambe's location, which is a nightclub, I think slash lingerie store, we get some like meat market shots of asses. And there's something interesting about this particular meat market shot. It is the only time the movie does this, but I think it's particularly egregious because because it's a lingerie store, we are panning across display mannequins in lingerie and women in the same lingerie.

And it's like, you could not be clearer in your visual language that these women are props. And like, that is disgusting. You shouldn't do that. That's like really fucked up. There is a bit of a tell here in that it doesn't linger on the ashot. It's sort of like ticking the box for the sort of franchise. It kind of is. Because you can tell what the director is passionate about.

I know when someone whose passion is directing music videos has been handed a film. Right? Ah, point break. moment. Yeah, it's very much a kind of soundtrack first kind of shot schedule. Soundtrack first movie, I would say. I wrote that down. This is a movie that has a soundtrack and you can buy the DVD in the lobby, like the CD rock. And so what we get is like we barely even slow down for the air shot because we're keeping it moving because we're trying to do like a kind of, you know, like fast, kind of up-tempo electronica. And what's interesting,

as well as the rock is epic now. Like on his way in to like beat up some goons, he does some shots, which he used to be the kind of clean cut family man. Yeah, yeah. You know, he's had kind of a heel turn here. Yeah, they both torture their respective goons. Jason Statham hangs a guy out of a window. The Rock threatens to tattoo a guy.

There's also a sexy lady in the tattoo room. And we're wearing a low-cut top and the Rock says, nice tats, which are you 12 years old? There you go. We get a couple of comedy shots of them kicking guys on the dick. Yeah, they both do bollock-based attacks, yeah. They do. A guy with broken English threatens the rock.

The woman who is just inherently submissive when he comes in, like hands him the tattoo gun so he can, like, torture this guy. Yeah, she doesn't say anything. She just kind of like smiles and giggles. She's wounds. That's it. Well, because if she had a line, you'd have to pay her more. One thing I also is Jason Statham,

I'm not calling him by the character named. When Frank Transporter introduces himself to the guys he's going to beat up, like, hi, I'm going to be the guy beating you up this evening. And what if the scientists, I'm what you might call a champagne problem, which is an insanely weird and gay line that I sort of like. It is kind of gay, but what does it mean? I don't know, but it gets the people going. It's countercut, because this is all intercut. The two fights are like happening at the same time. I will say craft-wise, they're lit in different colors, so you can tell.

the medium in which shot is in which location. The fight choreography is pretty good. The champagne problem is to match a line from the rock where he goes, I'm what you'd call an ice cold can of whoopass. And then we got Frank Transporter, I'm what you call a champagne problem. It's like, I, I don't know what that means.

I don't know what it means. It does kind of compel. Frank, Frank Transporter says, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. You know what it is? You know where I keep saying it's weird and gay?

It's what you'd call a champagne problem. the grinder short bio of the most annoying twink you have ever looked up with. I've been that twink. Yeah, no. Champagne problem. It's only a problem if it's from the champagne region of France. Otherwise, it's just sparkling misunderstanding. It's only a problem if you don't love it.

They both do the torture. They do. Yeah. What do you know about a super virus? Next location. What do you know about green? The plot device. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Next location. Next location. These tattooed eye heart cops on the guy's forehead. And that's the big punchline. They do both leave a guy in suspension bondage. I'll just come back to later. This movie is weirdly into bondage as a thing. Do you remember Frank Transporter did that a fair bit in the Transporter franchise?

He often left people in fact. Yeah. Was this? Okay. So both Jason Statham and The Rock are producers of this, right? I know, it's fairly obvious. I agree. We know, I would say, fairly obviously,

what The Rock wanted to get in this movie, and I actually quite like it. But was what Jason Statham wanted out of this? Like, I want to do a bunch of Shibari. Just like, I don't know. I think all he wants out of this is I just want to do a bit more of what I do. You know, like, this is very James Bond in this one as well. So it's a bit like, I think this is the stap of Bond era,

which I approve of. Like, if you have the chance to be able to. Bond, go for it. Yeah, we'll talk about what The Rock gets out of it. So The Rock, we remember that he... Oh, this is the scene where you know what you're fucking in for. This is the diner. Oh, God.

So we remember that he's not this sort of tequila slamming type guy. He's a family man. He's got a daughter. She is different now. She has a different daughter. It's fine. You can't always get the same actors back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Isn't it like a third actress? They're like the doctor. They keep regenerating. Oh, no, that's fine. Yeah. And she's asking him about like his family because she needs to do a report for school about her family tree. Yes. And he says, I don't, I can't talk about it right now because in life things happen and I'm posting the like the vague post king.

Yeah. What did he do? Yeah. I don't know. We'll find out at some point. Well, we established that he has a brother. Not yet. Yeah.

Yeah. We do. We establish that he has a brother. Another on Samoa called Jonah that he doesn't talk to anymore. Yes. He doesn't talk to him. In life, things happen. Things happen.

Meanwhile, yeah, okay. So meanwhile, we're back very quickly with Frank Transportter, who is going to visit his mum, Ellen fucking Mirren in jail. Feel bad for her. She got into this game to hang out with Vin Diesel. Yeah, now you have to hang out with Jason Stathen. There's quite a nice moment where Frank Transporter does go, Listen, mum, I can't bring you out of here if you want to.

He like, leans in. He's like, do you want me to break you out of prison? She's like, no, mate, don't worry about it. I like it. It's like being retired. Prison is woke and gay and soy. Yeah. She also mispronounces Sudoku, which is funny.

Yeah, yeah. So duku or something like that. Sudoku, yeah. Some of this is a little bit funny. I did crack a smile two or three times. They got a couple of, there's a couple of positive things I've written. We'll space them out. And then she's like, have you spoken to your sister who's,

obviously Vanessa Kirby in a long time and he's like, no. No. No. And interestingly, they have a whole chat about family. They have a flashback to family like Thai and they never mentioned the other brother. No, he's not talking about the Welsh brother. Luke Evans, yeah. They exiled him to Wales to grow up separately.

I'm starting to believe that they did like exile him. When they flash back to Frank Transportor's childhood, young Frank Transportor is played by a little boy and I'm like, that's bullshit. As we all know, Frank Transporter is gay, sexual and transgender. Of course. Also, the one thing you're meant to get from this is that the siblings, even though the two brothers have never mentioned it, the siblings have a complicated network of bit scams that are all referenced by the names of 70s musicians, almost like Thor and Loki. Yes. Yes. Very like that, actually. Almost exactly like that. Yes. And these well-thought-out names.

consists of the Keith Moon, which is a complex procedure, which involves blowing up a safe. That's it. They don't do anything else. Yeah, like Keith Moon used to do. Like Keith Moon used to do. And later on we find out about the, what's what's it called? The Mick Jagger, which is just causing a distraction. Yeah. Those are the only two, by the way. They stopped at two. They didn't have like a third one. We needed the name thing, but we couldn't think of any. Couldn't think of a third one. They're meant to be like, you know, they are meant to be jokes, but it doesn't land. No, not really. So we're back with the, we're back with We cut back to the rock.

We come back to the rock. Yep, yep, yep. He's still in the diamond. Yeah, his daughter is holding up a crayon drawing of the vague post king. Yeah. And then... Fucking girlfriend's sub-twee. ...street brave Saudi hijackers strike the movie.

This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. This is my 9-11. Yes. Yes. Welcome to the movie. Mm-hmm. Ryan. Ryan Reynolds.

He's doing... He's doing it. He's full doing it. It's just doing it. It's just Deadpool. He's doing the thing. He's doing... Just doing it.

It's full spectrum weedification. Yeah. It's over folks. The thing is that like I... We're through the looking glass. I like Ryan Reynolds' performance in like Deadpool. Like, it's good, but Ryan Reynolds is a very strong flavor, and you've already got a lot of very strong flavors in this movie

that I'm just like, oh, I'm feeling a bit kind of like overwhelmed. There's a reference I want to make here to Big Trouble in Little China, which is a down next episode. I'm just like, what if this was Adam Scott? What if we just kind of like, pull this. It's the previous one, so make the reference. Pulled this back a little bit. There's a deleted scene.

There's a deleted scene in Big Trouple in Little China and Gracie's office where Jack has handed a gigantic, like, a drink that he is then told is made of, like, dried seahorse. And he takes a huge, like, gulp of it is immediately disgusted and then keeps drinking it through the rest of the scene. and at one point he does like a huge like gulp of this and then goes, too much dried seahorse. That's how I feel about Ryan Reynolds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bad taste and then it's too much of one. So, also this guy's name is, is Locke. And I'm like, you thought you could slip Hobbs and Locke past me, you motherfuckers? You've got a human in there as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not fucking full of it. But also, the other guy should have been called Humors.

But then the third guy is called Lowe, and I'm like, oh, just you're, again, they have the first two, and then you needed the third thing. Yeah, set up, reminder. So, you know how in No Time to Die, it kind of ruins the chronology and also aura of everything that James Bond knows and can reference the Book of Mormon? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's weird that The Rock and his best friend, Ryan Reynolds, know what game. of Thrones is and can reference it repeatedly throughout the conversation. It does make this movie seem very dated, yeah.

Very dated because as we all remember, everyone hard stops talking about Game of Thrones the second the final season ended. Until the spin-off House of the Dragon came out, which is great, and you should watch. And then let's take the world by storm. Yeah, absolutely. My notes are literally, game of Thrones reference, like James Bond, knowing what the book of Mormon is. And then my next note is second Game of Thrones reference. Oh, they do so many. Like, I don't know if you two stuck around through the end credits,

but there's like five mid-credit scenes, which is mostly Game of Thrones references. I have copious notes on all three mid and post-credit scenes. Ryan Reynolds is here. And in his Ryan Reynolds's way, he says, we're doing a plot of a man from Uncle movie and that there's a deadly virus. Here's an 8 by 10 gossy of Vanessa Kirby. And there's a mysterious scientist. There's a mysterious scientist who made the virus and he's gone missing. So also, it's so fucking funny that the stakes of this movie that came on in 2019 are, you have to stop this or it'll become a deadly pandemic.

I'm just going to, that's so tough. Fuck. That is very good. I guess it didn't work, huh? I guess you guys did not. Yeah. Save the day. We're sent a Frank Transport of the Wuhan, China, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We get Jason Stath, we get Frank Transport of being, uh, like, fucking recruited by a different, equally whimsical CIA guy. Equally whimsical. This one's a bit better because Jason Statham can move his forehead. And it's Rob Delaney is playing this one. Oh, hey. Hooray! Yay, it's Rob Delaney. I've seen him before.

Yeah, less Ryan Reynolds. You know, 2016. So, so, then they both go, well, I'm, I don't need to work with anyone, and some kind of Hobbs and Shore type situation. What is there's some kind of team up movie? Yeah, and then they team up. And they don't, they're not happy about it. Yeah, they're then they cut, they're like, oh, this guy, I don't want to work with him,

even though we were friends at the end of the last movie. I hate you for reasons. I hate you because of reason. I will never learn to work with you by the end of this film. Yeah. It's so determined to get lines off that it ends up digging itself through 28 Cuban feet of steel and concrete, right? because like the last one was authentically like, you know, it evoked wrestling promos to me because it was like very sincere, whereas this is very ironic.

Yeah. They have fun little nicknames for each other like She-Hulk and Mr. Arson. And then this culminates in the rock doing a your mum joke, which I don't think you can do when you've shown the mum, because then you're just creating in the viewer's mind an image of the rock. fucking Helen Mirren. Yes. I believe that's happened. I think that's, that's like, that's like a great Dane and like some kind of like rich people dogs that breaks its legs.

If you look at it funny, you can't do that. I bet the rock is a very tender lover. I don't know why I believe that. I don't know. I mean, I'm actually fully prepared to believe that. Yeah. Size different. I mean, listen, there are more things in heaven and earth and there are more ways of having sex,

right, than a dreamtub in my philosophy. Yes. If you're going to do the kind of schoolyard bullying thing, it's weird to do a misogynistic thing about a character you've shown. Yes, true. And it expected us to be like affectionate towards, you know? Like two scenes ago as well. Also, we've established like Hobbs as a character who's like very professional and actually more nice and charming than Jason Statham. And so I think this was almost a bit more effective.

Jason Statham was the one giving him shit and the rock was just like being nice and letting it roll. often. That's actual character conflict. Yeah. The rock's like mean to people in this movie and it's... He wasn't in the previous ones. You want these characters to be different, whereas like the differences are so superficial that by the time they come together, it doesn't really feel like they've achieved much. Yeah, they should have made one of them grow her. It's sort of an issue with this type of writing, right, where like everybody you want to be funny is written in the one way of being funny that the writer is or thinks that they are. Just we. Just we. And so everyone's kind of the same character.

And this is also, I think not helped by the fact that it's written for the slightly edgier teenage Fast and Furious Enjurer. Yeah. Who is going to thrill to hear Frank Transporter say that hanging out with the rock is like dragging my balls across shattered glass and it hurts. I love the and it hurts. You're right. It does feel like it's aimed at a younger audience. Yeah. Yeah. When they keep killing them, I don't know.

Two points to note about the quick conversation that Delaney and Reynolds have with each other before the two guys get together. Reynolds is still at the same pancake house, just in the job that down for later. And Rob Delaney, the fucking phrase black sight has filtered through the consciousness, but we've completely forgotten that it came out of like Abu Ghrape. So now we've got Rob Delaney here just being like, yeah, we set up a black site in London, you know? Like, yeah, one of those places where we like torture people, we kidnapped by accident because their name was similar to a guy we were looking for. I'm sure they have. Two people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they cut into the fucking black side and like you can see the gurkin out of the window. You're like, I know where that is. The black site is literally in the chart. Yeah. Yeah. Really? You got to do something about business rents, you know?

The black site has an amazing restaurant, the CIA BlackSight. It's really good. Oh, Houtong. Yeah, no, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good restaurant. Oh, no, Hizong, you're kind of paying for the view, but yeah. So Vanessa, also they say like, oh, Vanessa Kirby, she's so good, she's gonna go off the grid.

You'll never be able to find her and we get a shot of her walking into the Savoy. And I'm like, come on. I'm pretty sure they have cameras in the Savoy. Yeah, yeah. She's sort of like sabotaged her flats on the way out with a sort of a trip wire, complete with a grenade, which she has taken the time to write the word bang on. the person who is killed by it will not have the time to perceive that and feel owned, but I guess you just label things.

That's a private joke. That's why you write for the victims of Epstein's Islands on the Shah Head before you send it over. It's for fun. Yeah, on behalf of the Iranian people, I am going to Tel Aviv for negotiations. Absolutely. You know what this is? You know what this movie's problem is, right?

Is it's too comic book and not enough wrestling. Yes. Yes. That's very astute criticism. There's some good wrestling right at the end that actually does win me back. Yeah, but this was not written by a real wrestling enjoyer. And I'm not a real wrestling enjoy, but I understand more of the appeal of it, I think, than the writer of this. So the Rock has to, like, he tracks her down at the hotel as Jason Statham has to, like, break into the apartment.

We get parallel fight scenes of some soundtrack, songstallel of Jason Stathen there. Soundtrack, soundtrack, soundtrack. There's bisexual lighting all over Vanessa Kirby's apartment. That place looks like my apartment. Vanessa Kirby, her profile image on her home computer is the same headshot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's where they got her from. Yeah.

She's called Hattie, by the way. Hattie. Abby, why do you write bang on all your grenades? No, like, the thing about going to your apartment is like, oh, can I get some ice for this drink and the ice tube tray has just got like cold written on it, you know, every time? It's like big yum on the fridge. Edging towards a memento guy at that stage. Yeah. Cutting between Statham and the Rock's action scenes really drives up.

how much worse the Rock is in an action role than Jason Statham is. That is true. He's deep in his I don't want to lose phase. Yeah. I think this is a nice fight scene. It's a nice fight scene that fucking Frank Transportor is doing. It's an acceptable fight. It's a nice fight scene that Vanessa is doing.

Frank Transporter is like beating dudes unconscious with a toaster labeled toast. Yeah, that's good. And on the other hand, the rock is sort of like, the rock ends his fight by just standing up and effortlessly revealing that he could have won at any point. And I'm like, that doesn't make me feel good. I hate that. It's too comic book.

It's probably quite a challenge to like choreograph a fight between like Vanessa Kirby, who is like smaller than me and the rock who is like enormous and make it look somewhat even handed. They should have done it anyway. A lot of fucking leg sweeps, I'm saying. Just a lot of leg sweeps. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nonstop, actually nothing but. This movie is trying to do a horny fight scene. It wants you to be horny for Vanessa Kirby, which she's a beautiful woman. That shouldn't be difficult, but the way it goes about it is so juvenile and kind of misogynistic. It is heavy on the thighs. I'm a thigh and joy. The handcuffs. Again, the bondage. Whose idea was that? You know, she's doing half the fight a handcuffed. What's going on? But so she does get captured. At which point we go to Idris Elbert, who is getting, he's on a Microsoft off teams call with his boss who is a gallery art installation.

Yeah. Yeah. His boss who is like a wave form in like a corridor, which... Yeah, it's an evil computerized voice. Wave form. Into the getting yelled at corridor. And like... Also, because you've seen a movie before, you're like, that's Ryan Reynolds.

Yeah, also because you're like, that sounds like Ryan Reynolds. He has the same voice. That sounds like Ryan Reynolds with a stupid voice filter. They detect some notable lexical features of Ryan Reynolds. They don't do it in the first time that you hear the Etion, which is the name of the evil company, Etion director. They don't do it in the first one. But in all the next ones, he keeps being like, I have a history with Hobbs. And then they'll occasionally just put a word through that is completely undistorted and just clearly Ryan Reynolds.

Like they don't trust that you'll figure it out. Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. So Idris Elba, Idris Elba gets a firmware update. So now he can play drops and all sorts of stuff these things. Yeah, he's also told like, because I, Ryan Reynolds, have a history with Hobbes, I don't want you to kill them. I want you to recruit them, right?

Like, bring me them alive and turn them. Cool. It's like, Idris Elba, run this out for another hour and a half. Let's go. Yeah, just pad, just pad stuff. I don't end the movie too fast. At some point, that would be ideal. Yeah, yeah, we've got a couple of more locations we've got to get to.

Yeah, so we do a whimsical interrogation of, Vanessa Kirby by the rock. Yeah, it's a little bit flirty. Yeah. Yeah. Why does the rock... I disagree. Now, he didn't used to do that. Like, instead of like Fast and Furious, after dark, you know?

From the moment that they decide that they're going to make Vanessa Kirby fuck the rock, they don't do it in this movie, if they just like flirt. From the second they decide everyone in every scene is just like smacking them together like dolls. Like everyone is commenting, on the two of them. Like, I think it's, the Rock's daughter as well. It's like, oh, she's really hot. She's pretty, yeah.

You're like 12. That's weird. Yeah. She calls him stupid and he's like, actually, I read Nietzsche, which is, I would say, the favorite philosopher of stupid people. Of stupid people, yeah. He's fucking, he quotes Nietzsche, I don't even fucking other quote, and he like looks straight at the camera and he goes, that was Nietzsche, because I'm exercising this,

and he taps his forehead as well as this and, like, hits the fucking guns. And it holds for like three seconds, man. Like, what do you want me to think? What do you want me to think? Cool, awesome. Like, yeah. Yeah, that's the wrong. Notably, the skin on one of those locations moves.

Um, so, um, at this point, at this point, she- They should have picked a better philosopher. It should have been like, I've been reading Sarah Ahmed. Like a, like a woke following game. I've been reading Talia Maybetcher. Yes, yes, Judith Butler. That would have been fucking great. Even like a sort of like trad one, but an unexpected one.

I picked that up myself. Thinking about the rock, like doing bicep curls with one hand reading Schopenhau with the other is like really compelling to me. In Chinese double speed podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chinese Schopenhauer. But so she escapes, of course. She got me feeling. More handcuffs, of course.

Of course. Mm-hmm. Just in time for Idris Elba to show up. And I go. Hold on. Hold the fucking phone. because we have a phone call between the Rock and his daughter, and they do a rock eyebrow bit for 25 uninterrupted seconds.

I blocked the eyebrow thing that you always do, and the Rock is going, I don't know what you're talking about. I've never heard of the eyebrow thing. And she's doing impressions of it. And at this point, it's too present. They're on fucking FaceTime. It's just two shots of two people holding their Apple iPhones out away from the cells in a medium distance.

It's like, great. Awesome. Movies suck now. We should all kill ourselves. It's over. It's never going to be good again. I think so. No.

Then... Frank Transporter turns up and he's like... Oh, that's going to be good again. That's fine. That's my sister. Oh. Yeah, yeah. The Rock's like,

Are you two going to kiss or something? And they go, that's disgusting. She's my sister. Gross. Strictly. This is strictly like a bondage pervert movie. No incest. Also...

Well, there'll be illegal in the UK. Yeah. Because Jason Satham arrives in a car, I go, oh, cars. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like from cars too. Yeah, I remember cars. Car? I hope we see another one again soon.

The heroes of this movie drive cars, but the villains are on motorbikes. That's true. That's true. Strong position that, like, the biker is a sort of equal enemy to the carman. That's crazy, because I remember the biker being like the homie of the carman, even in the previous movie. Well, and the first one, the bike was a evil, remember? That's true. Johnny Trum and they were, because they were green.

Vanessa Kirby, at this point, is like, I'm infected with the virus, and then we get like an ADR, a clearly ADR land on a different planet, which is like, it's in capsules. Which I guess it's like, I guess to like stop people going,

why aren't you sick then? Why aren't you like visibly like getting sick if you've got a virus? It doesn't do anything for 72 hours. It's inside a capsule in my booty. I'm like, why would you, why would you? Yeah, also like later on, I may as well just get to this now. Like, the scientists later on was like, oh, it's a fully, to fully program a bi-programable virus.

You can program it to someone's DNA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it can kill like anybody. Yeah, like, you can specify it to a specific person. And I'm like, okay, but if you can get, if you can get close enough to someone to infect them with the personal virus, gun. Just use a gun. I think the idea there is you release, you release the killed that motherfucker right there, virus into the population. It transmits in a way that's harmless to everyone else kills that mother's.

motherfucker and somehow never mutates in any way I don't, yeah, anyway. It's in capsules, don't worry. Yeah, but so... It is in capsules, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so they have to leave the fucking building and they have to go down the outside of the building.

She's still in the like thigh dress at this point and the movie is kind of too horny about that. She does the thigh thing again. She tries to strangle the rock with her thighs for a second time in like five minutes. Just the pussy strangle. Stop it. And the rock keeps just talking normal every time he's got like his neck clamped, by the way.

He's like, stop that. Get off me. It's really working out the neck mask. My favorite shot in this whole movie is Idris Elba shows up on the bike. He's got his shoulder glocks. And then he pulls instead of that glock a second glock from his like waist. That's the glit to let you know my intention is shooting you. This is the glock for shoot.

He's got a sort of like a pirate style setup. He's got a lot of fucking glocks all over his person. It's like plus ten to intimidation, but it actually doesn't work, yeah. Yeah, and as he enters all of the background CIA guys that we've been doing like fun little bits about, they just get shot. They're fucking dead. It's over to them. Yeah.

But it's a fine, whatever. He grabs her and then repels down the shard. Yeah. We're very much in the CGI dimension. Nothing is real. Nothing is real. I read a making of thing and it said that this chase scene, the production was like, they were in cars and it was just all blue screen and it was CISN.

Gigi, the reflections of things passing into their fucking, what is it, Maserati, Lamborghini, I don't know. It's a McLaren. It's a McLaren. It's the one. It's not even on the volume. Creating the reflections in the McLaren. That's it. Nothing is real.

Nothing feels real. There's no real weight. It's just, it's shit. It's a shame. It's shit. So they get down to the bottom of the shard and then Front Transporter and Idrisabra and recognize each other. And they have a fight scene in which Idriselba, whoops,

both their asses because he's got superpowers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can even lift a car. There's a cool split diopter shot that they don't know how to hold on. Yeah. So they just lose it after like a second. Yeah. When I see a split diopt shot, it's a real slob sometimes.

It's like, oh, there was a human being who made this for a second there, and I felt their fucking fingerprints. It was an interesting way of conveying that, like, you have two protagonists who are doing different things in different places. And it's like, you have a kind of interesting layered thing, and then you... And then you just never do it again. Yeah. Like, Frank Transport is getting out of a lift at the same time as the Rock, like, lands on a fucking car. Also, I want to give a technical Cronstein to Vanessa.

I don't remember what we call her. Hattie. Hattie. Hattie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hattie, so named, short for heterosexual. My mom wanted at least one. Still didn't fucking work, though.

She's, like, clipped to Idriselba as they're coming down, and she, like, unclips herself and cuts his rope. and I do want to give her a technical Cronstein for that because he's kind of the vehicle. Sure, yeah. Okay, all right. The most technical of technical Cronstein. Pass, though. Pass, yeah, honestly.

Also, here we find out, Idris Elba's character's first name is, is Brixton. He is called Brixton Law. I also raised an eyebrow at that. Kind, yeah, kind of racist. Listen, as if you're not aware, like, I thought maybe, maybe. this was a nickname in the way that, you know, you might call someone like, Tennessee

from Tennessee, but like, yeah, it's strange because listeners, if you're not aware, like, Idraselbert is a black man, and Brixton is a predominantly black area of London. And I'm like, that's... Yeah. I don't want to... I'm like, explain yourself. Show you're working. How did you arrive at this name?

Yeah. Sort of US analog would be like, I guess, like, calling a character like, Carlin. Harlem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems odd. It's crazy. Yeah. He's got super strength.

And so they're trying to... fight him and they can't do it. And so they have like a chase scene where they all get in the same McLaren. They're on the same McLaren. I don't believe you could get one person in a McLaren if that person was the rock. Never mind three. Down on one side. Yeah.

They show all three of them in there and I'm like, what's Vanessa Kirby sitting on the gear stick? Like, no way. And then they drive to Glasgow Scotland. Yeah, I noticed that. They drive past a Gregs. They do go to Gregs. Why don't you go to Greg's? You can get a vegan sausage roll and a cappuccino for a fiver, toss pot.

Yes! Don't talk about the Greggs on Royal Exchange Street that way. I'm looking at this stuff, and I'm being like, not the Greggs, I parenthes for this bit, but like, I'm looking at restaurants and the side, and be like, that's where my wife and I had our first date. Oh! Like, we're going down the street, and we're like, that's a burger restaurant, that's a burger restaurant, that's a burger restaurant, that's a burger restaurant, Glasgow has a problem, that's a burger restaurant, that's the restaurant where my wife proposed to me. Was it a burger restaurant? No.

Okay, good. Just need to make sure. Love that. London. Yeah. Yeah. That's just, that's a real just, Bruceian moment halfway through Hobbs and Shoreway.

Just like, oh, my wife, yay. And then we're back to the meat market straight away. If you know Glasgow at all, it is so obviously Glasgow that you may as well have, like, you know, the fucking Empire State Building in the background for somewhere that just like, isn't what it would work, right? Like, that Gregg's is our Empire State Building. Yeah. Everything's fucking computer, though, so like nothing has any weight.

Yeah, it would be cool if it wasn't CGI. They do like cool flips and shit and I'm just like, it doesn't look real. Idriselba slides under a truck and my wife leans over to me and says, after, that's the restaurant where I proposed to you, says, Akira and it's Akira Quencers, which I don't think is a sentence, but thank you anyway, Gwen.

And then they do a little like misdirection thing and perfectly 7-7 Idris Elba through the back of a bus. They do, yeah. They used the McLaren to ramp him through a bus. The McLaren isn't real. He's not real. The bus isn't real.

But you see him stood there afterwards going, now it's personal or some other pos-pop fucking line. Perfectly rip the top deck off the bus. You can tell that these London double-decker red buses are not real because we see the top of one at one point. And real London double-decker buses have numbers painted on the top of them. They're not just red on the top. Ah, smart.

That's so true. And they're coded by bus operating company. Anyway. Exactly. So they like, Never say you never learn anything. Listen to the Kiljohns well. Yeah, then what happens is that Idriselba apparently also like controls the media.

Yeah, Idriselba goes into his fucking Tomorrow Never Dies newsroom and like dictates to everyone what the tomorrow's paper is. A guy says, we've hacked every mainframe. He says every mainframe of all the newspapers. Just a word about the decor in here because apparently they're trying to go for like futuristic like evil apple store. But what it comes off as is Idriselper works for the Galactic again buyer. It really looks like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks up not like the end-or shots. Dun-dun-dun-dun-d-dun. So now they're wanted men. And like, you know that the British press needs absolutely no excuse to vilify a transgender person. So immediately for Frank Transporter, they're like, trans-criminal, biological freak kills everyone. And they put it up in fucking Piccadilly circus, like, right where the fucking Queen's Memorial was. They're just like, we're going to kill Frank Transporter. Nick Clegg comes up on a TV and goes, I am reinstating my kill order for Frank Transport.

Yeah, yeah. Kill this person, yeah. Yeah. The British media, like, hounding on like a trans person on some kind of like spurious narrative that's interesting. Someone should write a criminology thesis about that. Anyway, they're discussing it as a group reacting to this, and you get a really clean drop, which I don't have, because my mix, are exploded, of Jason, Statham, Frank Transporter,

going, apparently they control the media as well. Yeah. My notes say, Toreto, inaudible. Yeah, see you next week. So, yeah, we find out that Etienne are, apparently a secret tech cult funded by dark money who like want to advance human civilization by killing everyone. My notes say they're like evil effective altruists, so then my next note says so they're like the effective altruists.

Yeah, they're like a tech cult, yeah. Yeah, whatever. They're kind of bickering and we establish this sort of dynamic here, which is that Vanessa Kirby is tired of their shit because they're both idiots. But again, it's kind of having your cake and eating it, right? Which is that's your permission to have them act like idiots. But also, they need to be really good at everything and progress the plot. So they progress the plot by being like, actually, while you were throwing Idris Elba into the back of a bus, I was discovering next location.

Next location. Yeah, it's actually hidden in one of the shots where the Rock is getting mad at someone because it's on like a CCTV screen. They've got a guy with a newspaper out of his pocket. Because I paused this for a second because I thought that it was the morning star and I thought that was a quite good joke about British cops. But it wasn't. It was in fact Eddie Marsan who's in this fucking movie

and he's buying a copy of the Moscow newspaper that only one guy buys. So they know exactly where to get him. Eddie Marsan. I ran into him down by the bay like a couple of months ago. I should have. God, I should have.

He was on the phone. It was literally, it's the fucking Cardiff Bay, pure water, him, me. And I had, I, but I didn't. Instead, I did the coward thing and just said, con't as I went past it. Just bleep it. Put it in. Put it in. I live in Cardiff.

I love to. Oh, almost all of it. But so, yeah, I don't, I don't know if we can, if we can actually threaten the guy with murder. No. I mean, I, he wouldn't. have died. He would have been wet. He's threatening the guy with getting wet. I don't think you could threaten someone with a wet and it would have been a good idea and I'm glad I didn't do it and I don't think anyone

else should do it. You can't do it. So yeah, he's like Russian Geyovic. Yeah, he is awesome. Do we have any Russian people maybe who could have done this voice? Peter Spohmannel wasn't available? Yeah. He is fucking Valdo or Bruchev from No Time to Die. He's a Russian guy from Transporter 2. We have the same guy in all of the same. Mr. We have big plan, you know. We have big plan. We have big plan. He makes we have big plan look like fucking Tolstoy because when they get him, when they get him, his accent, which is meant to be Russian, bounces off India and Jamaica.

Yeah, where's this man from? You couldn't get anyone who could do a Russian accent, man? What did Eddie? Who was going like, get me, Eddie? He's the only one who can bring this stuff. alive. I don't know, man. Anyway. It's like, because the character brief, as was all of Eddie Mars and Rolls, is like, bring me the most sniveling cunt alive.

Ovid's a little man. Yeah. Bring me a horrible piece of shit who people are going to be like... This greasy little fucker. Opening lines of a translation of the Odyssey. Bring me a horrid little fucker. News, tell me of a horrible little cunt. Show me a guy who is like so visibly a cunt that you're like, yeah, actually. He's transphobic listeners.

He's transphobic. Oh, I was about to ask because I can't remember. Like, big, big time, landlords. And he like, he like hated Corbin, right? There's a lot going on. Yeah, yeah. Hate Corbin. Just, yeah.

Big cunt. I mean, I hate Corbin now, but for way better reasons. Anyway. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they have to go to the car intelligence agency again. Yeah. And wow, look at all these cars. I remember these from...

these from car movies. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Eddie Morrison, yeah, yeah. Eddie Morrison has to establish some important shit, which is just like, you've got 48 hours to fix the virus. You've got two options. It's in capsules for another 48. Yeah, it's in capsules. Next location.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You've got 48 hours. You've got two options. One is you shoot Vanessa could be dead right now. Which I think, doesn't her like you're cremating her. Just destroy this. Yeah. Number two is you have to use the dick-sucking Chinese dick-shucking.

fucking Chinese dick-shucking machine at Etion HQ to suck the virus out of her. He says it's in quote the most godforsaken part of the planet, which I like, I don't know, I thought that was setting up as a joke to like go to Glasgow or something. That would have been quite funny. Also, the rock at this point calls Ryan Reynolds and it's like, please watch over my daughter. And he's like, hi, I'm still in the movie, no problem. Then we go. One second.

Forgot to, yeah, forgot to serve my voice filter. Yeah. It's still in the movie. And I'm still in the same pancake house. You had that fucker on set one day. You pieces of shit How much time could fucking spare, assholes

Okay, so now they're like We gotta go to the most godforsaken place in the world Ukraine That is actually the upshot of that No, we don't No, we have to go to Frank Transportor's Secret Headquarters Under the Pearl We go to Frank Transportor's Secret Headquarters

We do the car thing, okay, yeah Yeah, okay, so they go to Frank Transportor's Secret headquarters Which is the car intelligence agency Right Where he has all of the cars And we do an Italian job Reference

Yeah, because he has He has a mini Cooper and he says, I got it for a job I did over in Italy. And listeners, cast your mind back, you may remember that Jason Stath and Frank Transporter was in the Italian job reaper. He was in the main remake with Mark Wolfer. Which suggests to me that he's meant to be the same character, which poses an immediate problem because also appearing in that movie was Charlie's Theron. And I'm like, is she, is cipher in the Italian job reboot as well?

Let's go yes. Why not? The Tilvey lied was about her. Is that what she did with her gold? She became a super hacker. Yeah, she got white woman dreads. Um, started smelling like pennies. Good for her. Yeah.

They're really funny. Sorry. No, no, no, you go right ahead. The Penny's thing was funny. Thank you. Thank you, sweetie. But so, but so Frank Transporter is like, I've made you all fake passports. And these are an interesting sort of like, because he's made his and hers cool. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's, he's called himself like, um, Franz Gruber.

Johnny, Johnny cool guy. Yeah, it's a weird cis sexual fantasy of being your. yourself but Swiss? Like if you were Swiss, you would do mountain climbing? Do you fuck your Swiss double? Yeah. Would I fuck my Swiss double? Would I fuck my Swiss double? Is my Swiss double like Swiss French, Swiss German, Swiss Italian?

Or French? Or French. I agree with Gaddafi really. Think of the charge. Which Canton is my Swiss double from? I'm really gonna like, hmm. Answers on a postcard, please. I can't tell you that because I don't have the

the requisite knowledge. My Swiss double lives in Lake Como and I am going to visit. You would fuck your Swiss double 100%. I would fuck my Swiss double. I would fuck my Swiss doubles. Easily. I wouldn't fuck my Geneva double,

but I might fuck my Zurich double and I... That actually makes up. Can I turn you to a Grenoble double? Yeah. My knowledge of Swiss places is like... I'm not sure what kind of... I'm not sure what's in one of those,

but sure, I'll try one. It's a great way to start a day, I think. Yeah, absolutely. A Grenoval double is like egg whites two blocks of toplorone gin topped up to the rim of the glass. Sounds like delicious, yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah.

A Grenoble double. The big joke is they've done the cool names, Frank Transporter, who's done this himself somehow, I don't know, has created cool fake identities for himself and Hetty. But for the rock, he is called Mike. It's like Oxmole. Mike, Mike, Mike's small. My cock's small. My cock is small. And then they make really a phenomenal amount of hay out of that for a couple of hours. He really do. And he also, he does something to like make sure that the rock gets detained in cavity searched and going through security. I guess he just puts like an F on his passport. That counts. He just has sexual assault by proxy. Yes, it does. Yes, it does. It does. Easily. Also, also, I think what's, one of the

things that's funny here is that their decision-making process is to fly metaphorically, if not literally under the radar. They're just taking like normal flights, which is why they have to go to the airport. And what they've done is knowing that you're carrying pandemic 2 around and making it a point to go to the airport and fly commercial. Pandemic 1, because pandemic 1 hadn't come out. This is pandemic 0. About the time that pandemic 1 happened, someone watched this movie and had a great idea. It's like, well, I've got a bit of a cold, but I can go to the airport. It's in capsules for about two weeks.

I should be fine to come back from a trip to... It's like ADHD meds, the non-release. Yeah. Mine I'd say, Eddie Marsden gets killed, and then I've sadly crossed that out and written captured. Yeah, no, he still doesn't get killed. He's still in a couple more scenes of the movie. Yeah, he turns on his car and in the headlights, Idris Alper standing there, like Napoleon Solo, just standing normal. Yeah.

The two, Hobbs and Shaw have, like, a heart-to-heart on this flight. Oh god. They're like, this is a really bad situation. Yeah, this is the low point. I think is a lot. Woke one was an interesting time. So, so... And this was peak woke one as well.

Yeah, because Freight transport is like, you're trying to like impregnate my sister. He accuses the rock of that, yeah. The rock out wokes him, because he's like, actually, women are queens. And I believe in affirmative consent. So if she deans to initiate an enthusiastically consenting sexual encounter with yourself truly, The Rock, then I would be thrilled because I believe that women can do anything, including the Rock. Yes. He's like, I'm not going to start it, but I'll let her finish.

Yes. Yeah. And then I just, I came out with that off the dome and that's a better line that's what's in this script. That's really, that's so much fucking better. Christ. Thank you. But then they're arguing and are about to like jump. at each other. At this point, my

beautiful wife, who on my rewatch of this movie that I did just before recording this, because I didn't take notes the first time round of for the whole week I've known I need to rewatch it. It's been hanging over me. Like, fucking wait. She was already yelling about this, and then Kevin Hart turns around

and begins Kevin Harding all over the movie, and she screamed. She's mid-flow yelling, and then Kevin Hart strikes the fucking movie. Uncredited. His bit. his bit is, I'm kind of like you. I'm like a cool guy too.

And it's like a joke, but it's not a joke because Kevin Hart believes that. Yeah. Well, this scene is there because the Rock and Kevin Hart did a movie called Central Intelligence a few years before this. And they are actually apparently quite good friends in real life. And that's why he's in this movie.

That makes sense. That makes sense. They both belong to the international country of capital. Yeah. The joke is this guy he's getting like parasocial about them. He's like trying to like be friends with them when he's not cool and they don't want to be friends with him. And then that joke outstays it's welcome over the course of about.

And I would say conservatively 15 to 20 hours. It's like so long. It's so long. Because you're the producer's friend and the producer doesn't want to edit you out of the movie. Like, you know. Yeah. Like just, just cut this. Go ahead and cut this.

There's no real need for it. And the payoff for it doesn't really help anyway. I've never seen the film Central Intelligence, but I do remember the tagline, which was very good, which was in order to save the world, you need a little heart and a big Johnson. I'm like, that's quite funny. That's pretty fun, but that's the real problem, isn't it? And that that's like, don't you want to see these two actors interact?

And like, there's no movie anymore. It's just, look at these two action figures. Yeah. The deal is he's an air marshal. He is. He's going to use later. And he's like, Eddie Marston's getting tortured. Yeah, thank God.

Thank fucking God. I just watched all of the animal series. Let's put Eddie Marson in the pig machine. Let's get my man eaten by pigs. Let's get me eaten by pigs, quite frankly, because I, at this point, turn to my wife and go, do you want to see how long we've got left for fun to make yourself feel bad? My wife did this. And I picked it up, and we are not halfway.

No, no, no, we're not. Feed me to pigs. We're going to blaze through here, right? So, like, here's the thing. Right. Uh, do fucking Frank Transforce is like, I know someone who can, can help us get to next location. And it's the hot girl bondage torture squad.

Yeah, he's like, I know some broads, and they're like, okay, let's go to them. I'm friends with several women. They do epic shit off-screen. Yeah, they're busy doing suspension bondage. Just note that one down, again, on some Russian mobsters. Yeah, for real. And again, do you realize just how hard you have to work as a filmmaker? to bring me the all-girl suspension bondage, tactical torture squad, and make me bored?

Like... It's so nothing. It's so... Yeah. It's fairly horny. Yeah. It's just... It's like...

It's an idea of horniness to be presented to, I don't know, fucking, like, teenage boys, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. And so they pull up at a house where she's... currently robbing the house, I think, is the deal. She's like tying up the guys who are in the house and they pull up and talk to her. Weird how much she's tying them up. She's tying the fuck out of them.

Yeah. Upside down too. And then they kiss straight away as well. Frank Transport just comes over and gives her a little kiss. She snogs Frank Transporter. Yeah. And we... Hattie is like shocked.

Everyone shocked and then they say, I wasn't expecting that. They say I wasn't expecting that. I can tell. I saw them. Um, great. Next. She's like, here's some guns and shit. And also, well, let's do the Mick Jagger so that, actually, you're going to pretend to be taken prisoner by Idraselba. Because they're going to take you straight to the dick-sucking machine to suck the virus out of you anyway.

So it's probably the fastest way together. So get yourself captured, then we'll rescue you, cool, whatever. Make sense. We are less than halfway through when they jump out of this jet. It's crazy. When she gets, when she gets captured, they put her in literally the, I guess, hereditary, shore family spread bar that they put Jason Statham in a couple of fast movies ago. And I'm just like, why do you, why do you have that?

That's a family heirloom. What do you have the yoke from secretary and why are you putting like a sort of action movie actors? I was lying around the props warehouse, I guess. I guess. Who produced this? Yeah, we get some more dialogue-ass dialogue. Whereas Vanessa Kirby's been taken in, she says to Idris Elba, do you wash the blood off your hands before you count on your money or afterwards?

And it's like, okay, A, obviously before, otherwise you're gonna get blood on your money. That's fucking stupid. It's called blood money metaphorically, not literally, right? And secondly, like, Idris Elba just doesn't have a line. He just turns and looks at it, just like, what? It's such a legitimate, what the fuck are you talking about? What did you say it?

Like, it's a really silly expression. The evil bond base, my favorite aspect of this, is that it has a firing range, longitudinal with the rest of the base, which they're all using, in the middle of the base. Just like deafening each other constantly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No one is thinking about how you're using the space, guys.

And of course, we're in Chernobyl. Also, just... We're in Chernobyl, yeah. What you're seeing is advanced warfare. Also, we get a shot of Vanessa Kirby's hands in restraints, which is similar to a shot we had only one of her hands in handcuffs. And I noticed that she's had a gel manny since the last time she was imprisoned. I'm like, when did you have had?

I don't remember her doing that, yeah. Did you, like, stop off for a quick salon visit whilst you were trying to save the world? Like, when did you get that? Maybe. I mean, you gotta look your best. I think so. Yeah, yeah. So, the two guys, like, a parachute in, they set some explosives on a 45-minute timer,

and I pause, and I look, and I see that there are 70 of God's own minutes left. I'm so, I'm, yeah, we all did this independently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was like, oh, we're building to the climax where they escape the base and fight Idrisale, but nope, that's the fucking midpoint, baby. There's so much more. One more location. They rip the best sequence from the last one or try to, where they're having parallel fights and parallel corridors.

And I'm so sorry, but again, another deeply illustrative sequence Rees Statham and the Rock in fight scenes. It was funny for the Rock to win easily, but it... Statham's doing great, and he's like doing some fantastic martial arts on a dozen dudes, and the Rock has one big guy, and then just like punches him in the face and wins straight away. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they try, they do a bit of a misdirect. They try to do the like Mighty Joe situation on the rock. Yeah. And of course, because no one can be. The other thing is, like, they're looking back and forth, and this is homo erotic in the sense that you are beating up these men for the approval of another man. It is. And they're kind of taunting each other by withholding that affection and that phrase.

I'm like, I'm not impressed. Yeah, the rock is like yawning, like, performatively towards Frank Transportor. Like, oh, you're boring him. It's interesting. Yeah. My next story is in all caps. Why is there so much bondage in this? And I don't remember what that was about.

I think they'd probably tie up Vanessa Kirby again. Because the Rock and Frank are chained up being electrocuted. Yeah. Oh, because they have another joke bit where the Rock just puts the one guy who's in his room against the eye scanner and it opens up immediately. But Frank Transporter has like 20 guys in there. So he has to go one by one to find whoever opens it up. That was kind of fine. And there's a big pile of guys next to him by the end.

opens it, which was funny. I like the big pile of guys. They immediately get captured and tied up again, weirdly intensely. I wasn't expecting this movie to have like a 20-minute tutorial. I don't know how to do like a single column tie in here. Idriselba's like, I'm on some deep green resistance shit. We need to radically depopulate the world using the virus and not to save it from itself. And Frank is like, no, I wouldn't join you all those years ago because you're too pessimistic.

People will pull together. And Idrisel was like, well, you two don't pull together. and that's why Nick Clegg sent me to kill you and then framed you for all the bad things that you've done and that made your sister not like you and I was the author of all your pain and I killed harm probably, I guess. Oh, thank God this guy was the author of all my pain.

Okay, yeah, nice, nice. Yeah, I probably did that too. Like, whatever. Yeah, I probably killed him. We'll find out, I'm sure. He was like the ghost writer of all your pain, right? Because Ryan Reynolds was the author of all his pain. Yes, the obvious twist villain

that they still don't do in this movie because I savor that for the fucking. sequel, you loses. Much in the same way, Charlie's Theron is the author of all of Dom Teresso's pain. Right. Apparently.

Does the author of all of Frank Transportor's pain? He's the author of all of Frank Transporters pain. Moody's have really led me to believe that somewhere out there is one person is the author of all my pain and I just have to find that person and punch them. I wish that would a case. And they'll show up eventually. You just have to punch a bunch of people first. Okay, great.

I should get started on that. Find happiness for a couple of minutes. Yeah. Yeah. They're doing, oh yeah, they're both tied up and they're getting shocked. That's the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We get some more backstory here. Like, we mentioned that, um, uh, fucking, we even put like a sort of time and a place on it because speaking of Abu Ghra, we find out that Frank Transporter and, and Idriselva were in Task Force

Black together in, I guess, Iraq. I wasn't, is that real? Task Force Black. Yeah. Yeah. I was real. I wrote it down like a punchline because they'd gone from Black Sight to Black ops to Task Force Black. And I was like, stop it. It was, it was also called Task Force Knight, but it was a real thing. Okay. Well, in that case, that's awful for a completely different reason. Yeah. So also, I don't know that you can complain much about getting tortured when both of you

were torturing guys earlier. But to be fair, they don't. Like, they're just like, yeah, this is all in the day's work. And yeah, so Idrasa's sort of thesis here is, and I wrote this down, what with capitalism, terrorism and environmental damage, humanity wipes itself out. by 2096, unless we, I guess, like, do Malthusianism. I feel like two of those things are quite intimately connected. I feel like actually maybe all of them are quite...

Maybe all of them are actually connected. Into one large object. Yeah, but we put that in like Ultron's sort of mouth, so it's capitalism's fine actually. Oh yeah, yeah. Because the bad guy's saying that capitalism's bad. So that makes sense. And Frank's like, no, people will find a way, I guess. Cool.

And they get tortured a bit, they got shot. They get tortured. They're like, they do the epic sort of saying what I'm going to do before I do it thing, which has been in everything. It's been in everything. But interestingly, they don't do it. So, yeah, they're just distracting them while Vanessa Kirby sneaks up and, like, tries to shoot. But the guns are, you've got to have a chip in your hand.

Yeah, you've got the, it's the palm. Handprint or whatever who gives it, yeah. Yeah. But then Eddie Marsden, the flame throw doesn't. So Eddie Marsden just uses a flame throw. Yeah, cool. He goes full pyra. They have a big escape sequence.

The base blows up. There's a lot of CGI cars. They're calling it Etion because you're about to be Etienne by a damn pig, you know? Pretty good. Industrial areas, very cheap to film in. The other thing is, I know this is such a cinema since thing, but like, there are three of them, and when Eddie Marsden, I guess four of them, when Eddie Marsden starts popping off with the flamethrower, right, everyone in the room is like panicking all around. The explosives haven't gone off. Everyone's shooting at, I guess, each other.

And I'm just like, that workplace was like ready to tip into chaos. Yeah. Right. Like, what's happening here? Because there's only one person you should really be shooting at. Yeah. And he's got a flamethrower so you can see him. So it's immediate workplace civil war opens up.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we do a CGI chase thing. Yeah, awesome. One thing I will note is they use truck. to like steal the machine. And truck...

They steal the Chinese dick-sucking machine. They co-opped truck onto the side of car. The truck, this is a car truck for sure. Absolutely. They do this to demoralize you. They do this to try and turn you against bike. This is a sort of divide and conquer option, you know, by the car hegemony. The evil black-hopper-cuites.

Maybe. Like a comprador truck? A comradeur truck. You'll have to bleak the name, but maybe this truck. truck is like the of trucks. Ooh, yeah, it was an early moderator on like, on like, Susan's Place. Yeah, yeah. Really internalized a bunch of harmful ideas about how many wheels a truck had to have to be valid.

This truck is like looking at other trucks. We're like, we've got to push them off truck Wright's Island. Because like they're making us look bad. It's a short front in truck as well, which I do like, I'm suspicious though. First of all, that's not a truck. That's a lorry, which I do believe is a different thing. and we'll get into that or something. This truck is going to be starting a podcast

with someone else within about 12 months. Anyway, it's a bastardize. It's an enslaved truck. We got a chase in which we fully just used like an Ironman shot of Idris over in his... Yeah, yeah, he's just Iron Man now. Yeah, it's like the close-up shot of the fucking eyes

and then there's like computer shit around it. Jarvis, it sucks that guy's dick to completion. Yeah, it's terrible. Just fucking I'm black Superman. You're clearly black eye. He says I'm black Superman at one of the lines. He does say he's black. He does say he's black.

But you're also Black Iron Man and you're making that very clear in the movie. Kind of, yeah, yeah. But so ultimately they have to like throw Hattie like a football. They do. And it's about learning to let go of your sister into the arms of another man, which is weird. I don't, again, I'm an only child, I don't know, but like, do a lot of people have this relationship with their siblings where it's like, okay, I'm gonna relinquish my fear? of possession over your sort of like sexual agency now?

Is that normal? I've never felt a great sense of ownership over either of my sister's sexual agency. No. Now that I come to think of it. Maybe the writers have been watching too much Game of Thrones. Yeah. You wouldn't have to go on sort of like a sort of roaring rampage of revenge in order to sort of get to that point and then, you know... Oh yeah, yeah.

Like, I mean, my little sister is married, and I didn't have to do any roaring rampages of revenge at all. pages of revenge at all before. Yeah. Crazy. My brothers had kids. I didn't have a saying that. Yeah. Ridiculous. Also, talking of incest, reminds you something really funny that happened to a while I

go, I was on a plane and the guy next to me was watching House of the Dragon on the plane. And when he got to the big incest moment, he shook his head. Like, he disagreed it. Which was really funny. He was like, no. No, they didn't. And I was like, ah, ha, ha. That's really funny, too.

Did he get to any of the episodes with you in? No, he did not. I really wanted it to so I could lead it across to do the funniest possible thing, but no, he didn't. Well, what you've got to do is you've got to do the tenant thing, and you've got to lean over and be like, hey, this is going to be a really weird interaction whenever you see the next couple of episodes, by forever. Yeah. Like, temporal pincer attack. Mm-hmm. But so, yeah, so she, she... The dick-sucking machine is damaged. Yeah, they break the dick-sucking machine in the chase.

And so as they escape and drop a building on top of it, she... Sandra Selva, Hattie is like, it's over, you should just kill me. The gun, Grommer, kill me, like. And... And... And... Mattie is like me after a second slice of cake in that she's going to kill herself. Well, that makes me feel bad, so...

I don't think that you should do that. That's my opinion. That's fine. But so, Frank Transporter is like, you used to look at me and my Welsh brother who doesn't apparently give a shit about you, because he doesn't... Yeah, yeah, yeah. showing up and say, We sent him away.

It's never over, it's never over till it's over. So, we got a call in that favour from Kevin Hart, the Flight Marshal. We've got to call in a favour of Kevin Carth, Slime Marshall. Because the Rock has one place left, one card left to play, something he never wanted to do. He's going to have to go to, and the movie really wants you to know that the endonymic pronunciation is Samoa. Samoa. Welcome.

Samoa. And this is the point at which you go. Oh, this is good, but I want some more. Nice. Give me Samoa, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the idea of being on the clock with the like virus thing, having like a day and spending most of it flying from Ukraine to Summa. That's a long flight.

And again, does she get the, yeah, she's probably more than one. I don't think they go direct. Yeah, no, that actually, now that you mentioned that, I forgot that she was on a 72 hour clock when she got the gels done. That's even going to you. Good for her. Yeah, yeah, that rules, yeah. But maybe it was on one of the planes.

I'm going to die soon. Get them done. Yeah, so she, they go to Samoa and... They go to Samoa. They see, we see The Rock's family. Yeah. Like, his, his mom, who is like, so matriarch. Cliff Curtis.

Cliff Curtis is there the one. Yeah, Cliff Curtis, the one guy left in the world who still has a problem with cops. Yeah, apparently everyone else is so fine with cops now And he's a mechanic you see So he can fix the dick-sucking machine I guess He's the one guy on earth who can fix the super advanced Dick-Sucking machine which once again is going to pull all of the blood

Out of Hattie and then purify it and put it back in Which is not something I would really want to leave to a mechanic But I understand he's good Sure And he doesn't want to help the Rock But then the Rock's mum is like it's about family and it's like,

yeah, this is where we get the family stuff in. The Rock's like, it's about family and Frank Transporter steps up and goes, oh, listen up,

mate, he's a decent bloke or whatever it is that he actually says. Yeah. Just to like intercede on the Rock's behalf against his family.

And this is the family that he can't ever return to because of something he did in the past. And anyone who's seen any previous movies is like, okay,

was it something bad. Oh, he's transgender. No. What he did, it turns out, was that his dad was a criminal and he turned his dad,

in and then ran away. So it's like, I can't ever be with my family because I did something that was good and right. So it's not even like... So it's transgender? Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. I need to get my family's forgiveness for being like, correct.

Mm-hmm. But so, also like, I can't be mad about a Samoan guy getting a love letter to Samoa into the movie. No, this is completely, yeah. Yeah. It kind of sucks that he had to like functionally cash in a lot of shitty movies in order to do that. That is true.

But when you see like the kind of Samoan representation that you got in, I don't know, the last movie we saw a Samoan character in, Armageddon. Yeah. Yeah. Where a guy appears as a joke, right? Where he's instantly atomized by a meteorite. And then the punchline is, whoa, that's a big guy who just got decapitated by a meteorite. Like, yeah, no wonder you would want to go a little heavy on the like family stuff and try

and do like a kind of positive. Yeah. Yeah. and include a bunch of the language and like the dress and stuff. Yeah, for sure. It's kind of nice. It sort of rings a bit false in one sense, which is that we are anti-gun for five seconds.

Yes. We're anti-gun very briefly. I can't be upset about it. But I will say maybe instead of Nietzsche, he should have been reading Edward Said before he put this in the movie. I can't complain about it because it's not my place as someone who's completely, I would equidistant even from summer. I'm like the exact opposite side of the planet.

Antipedean, yeah. Antipedean, yeah. Nice. But, yeah. You're that Antipodean podcast machine. Yeah, it's like they're strict mum, who does, like, threaten to beat them with a shoe. We love family. We love food.

Common sort of, like, cultural feature is, like, we love also, like, you know, kind of physically abusing our kids. Of course. It's weird how every culture will try and put a positive gloss on that. It's crazy. But, like, she's like, I got, I made them get rid of all of the guns because there's too much, like, gun violence and stuff. And it's like, yeah, sure. That's, okay.

Or every other movie in this series. You've been showing me cool gun violence. Up until now. The rock, like, executed a guy who was just injured and unarmed in Brazil for no reason with a gun. He did, he did do that. This is not Brazil. Yeah. Whoever the drone operator is, by the way, was completely on one,

because it's going way too fucking fast in some of these wide shot. It's going like sliding past the rock. Ukrainian FPV. So they're like, we know that Idris Elbe is going to come and do like the denouement. So we've got to have like designated reconciliation time. So he talks to his brother and his brother says with every possible apology, And Mafione and Mao say double cheeseburger combo

mafellie more the $10 of the DMC faggot. Perfection. Thank you. Beautiful. Beautifully done. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And also, Vanessa Goe is like, I can hack Etienne's guns to turn them off for six minutes to your level of paying a great call. Yes, I can turn off the guns so that we can use the traditional weaponry. Yeah, traditional Samoan weapons.

I can emit a plausibility field. Yeah. And so, so we get, I can make this make sense for a bit. You're like, okay, cool. Also, she kisses the rock because the rock's like, Issa'a family here on Samoa, and she's like hot. In summer, yeah. I love family.

This would work on me if somebody, like, took me to their traditional home country and, like, showed me all this year. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Let me show you my Samoa. Do you want to come to Bromley High Street? It's about family, I guess. Let me show you my Bromley. Yeah, let me show you the Glades.

Sorry, if I should specify, if, like, if your country looked really beautiful and was nice, like Samoa did you. Yeah, if it's a good country. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were from somewhere that shit. Yeah. If you're getting the orange filter, you can take me down and show me your country. If you're getting the blue filter, fuck off, don't talk to me. Yeah.

So we get this standoff, right, which is fully the this is Brazil. This is Brazil. This is the Middle East. This is Samoa. The crimes of London have followed us home to Samoa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do a harker, right. They do.

The mercenaries, the Etienne guys, the fucking Odian Cineplex guys, are about to light up a harker, which I will say is a pretty good way of establishing villas intent. Yeah, it is. Yeah. The rock reconciles his brother, tells him I love you, and his brother fixes the portable Chinese dick-sucking machine, which is in Vanessa Kirby's backpack sucking her dick throughout the following sequence. Yes, her shit's getting sucked the whole time. There's like a countdown timer going across her.

Yeah, it's like constantly... It's going to take exactly 30 minutes for the dick to be sucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you don't come in next 30 minutes, if the dick doesn't get sucked for 33 minutes, she will die of the disease. So that's the...

Yeah, and then everyone dies. Everyone dies. Everyone in Samoa dies. It's a capsule. And then everyone in the world. But so they light off the plausibility field. Could stop me. And then we get like, some pretty good, like, sort of like pitched battle, like melee fighting.

Yeah, kind of fun. Yeah, it's cool. It's nice. Yeah. It's nice to see. I also enjoyed the movie Black Panther. Like, that was good. The thing that I dislike is that at this point, Vanessa Kirby goes from, like,

fighting on relatively even terms with the rock to being girl helpless. Yes, she does. She gets, like, kidnapped, what, like twice in this scene? She does. There's a funny moment where Frank Transporter drives a flamethrower car and draws a ring of fire around the battle. And Idris Elba says, sure, like the name of his character. But it sounds like he's just going, sure. Yeah, whatever.

I wrote that down once in the bedroom. He's like, fine. Okay. Yeah. They put her in a helicopter. The helicopter takes off. We got to chase down the helicopter. And here's my thing.

If you can keep an IV in through a helicopter crash, air ambulance must be the easiest fucking job in the world. I'm sick of these lazy air ambulance crew slackers demanding the big bucks from me for charity. When apparently, you can just stick that stuff in, it's fine. Doesn't even matter if you crash is like. Just tape it down. What are you doing? What's the problem?

What's the fucking problem? Idriselba wins the Cronstein at this point by killing a technical. Let's go. Yeah, not just technical. I think this is a rare combination of technical and spiritual Cronstein. Because he, because he attacks the pilot of his own helicopter for no reason. No reason.

Just so that he can drive it. And get to one liner, he goes, take a day off and then drives the chopper himself. He presses triangle. So at this point, his is the thing. You're in a middle of a pitched combat scenario. Your superior offer is domes you off and then gets a line off about it. Brother, we're on the same side here. Yeah.

So they've got to chase them down with all of the trucks. And one of the other things besides Game of Thrones references that they keep doing is Tolkien references, like Lord of the Rings references. Yes. And somehow they make it through a bunch of the different guys have to like hook their trucks up without ever doing a gondor calls for aid bit here. It's pretty good. Kind of glaring.

I will say I almost like the bit where everyone links their trucks up together in order to... One of them fires the Cuban Noss? Yeah. It's cool. Yeah. Well, that's the other point is that the last person with an even passing understanding of what NOS is and does retired three movies ago. It's not clear. It's just like, yeah, we press the button and the car like boosts.

It's the boost buttons. These are trucks, which means the truck is once again on the side of righteousness, which is aligned with the car against the head. helicopter, which is an interesting cosmology, I have a specific thing here, which is if I had a nickel for every technologically advanced and evil black man doing a chase scene in a helicopter in this series, I'd have two nickels. Who gets something hooked onto their helicopter by a jumping car as well, I would say. Oh, yeah.

But it's a surprising, like building a really, really, really, really. really specific stereotype from the ground up. Like, racist who's only seen the Fast and Furious movies thinks that all black people have access to helicopters. Yeah, you know what black guys are like, always menacing you from helicopters, what? Yeah, I'm doing a Fast and Furious bingo and the free space is unimaginably wordy.

But it does happen in every movie. Yeah, weirdly specific helicopter racism. Yeah. Also, there's amazing. I've been to helicopter racism since windlifter. Sorry to remind you of windlifter. I think about windlifter more often than you can imagine. We've got to do another kid's with yourself.

Fuck. There is, okay, fuck. Also, the hero card that Hobbs and Shaw are both in and this looks exactly like a micro-optimus prime, and it does the Transformers noise two times. Once was enough. Twice was ridiculous. So they crashed the helicopter and all of them end up at the bottom of a cliff with Idris Elba for a fight scene in which Vanessa Kirby is totally immobilized.

Vanessa Kirby literally has a timer attached to her and her entire part of the scene is that timer will stop at some point to sit down. Yeah, she's on cool down. She's on cool down until she can activate woman moment. But like, also they kind of both keep forgetting that he's on call down. He has the Iron Man powers and keep trying to attack him until they finally derive the concept of two guys fighting one guy from first principles. This is philosophy. Yeah.

This is platonic stuff. They both punch him one after the other and get hit. And it just so happens that they both try to hit him at the same time and he blocks one and gets hit by the other. And they literally go, did you see that? Like yeah, dude, what? I will say this all takes place in the rain and every impact goes in a slow motion. And these are really big men hitting each other.

At this point, we have winnowed the cast down to only motherfuckers who know how to throw and sell a punch. So, fine. That is true. Fine. So had a good time. One thing that gets sort of Weidenessk here is as they fight him together and they win, they reference the Black Superman thing earlier.

Yeah. And then break his. spine in a way that specifically evokes not Superman, but Batman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. They do. They do. And then in a subsequent scene, the immediately subsequent scene to this, they reference Batman anyway.

What do we do it? Your word, your word processor allows you to go back. This is the only movie I've ever seen that was written sequentially. It's crazy. And then immediately afterwards, the rock goes and stars in Black Superman. Yeah, yeah, he's in Black Adam, yeah. Interesting. Yeah, but so like we get a really confusing line, right, where they're like holding him at gunpoint.

They've beaten the shit out of him. And Frank Transporter goes, you made me, you forced me to kill my own brother, you. And I was like, oh, that's why Owen Shaw hasn't been in a movie. Because at some point previously, this guy who we've never seen before made him kill his brother. But then I was like, maybe we got the chronology wrong. But he was alive right at the end of F9. But no, he is specifically referring to, you were my brother, Idris Elba, and you made me kill you.

Yeah, because you came to kill me on the orders of Nick Clegg and I had to fight back and shoot you in the head. And that's where Net-Ion put all the gadgets in you and made you a gadget man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gadgeted you up. Ineligant. In-alegence. The Rock also has some interesting lines at this point because Idris Elba is still like,

we will save humanity technology as the future. And the Rock was like, So you may believe in technology, but we believe in people. We have heart, and no machine will ever beat that. Which is nice to hear in a major Hollywood movie in this age of AI, and like, everyone in Hollywood is panicking about that. But also rings slightly hollow given how much, like, computers this movie is. Very computer. I guess that is.

They decline to kill him, right? Because the best revenge is living well, or at least living Samoanly? Yes. Seems like that's living well. Live in Lovita Samoa Yeah In order to like shame him And then Ryan Reynolds is like

Okay I'm done with Idriselba being in this movie Yeah He'll like shut him down And like he sees on his like In his like heads up display With decommissioning in 15 seconds And he's like damn That's crazy

He goes that's how it is huh It's a crazy business boys Nobody Nobody, not dead He's fine He's alive He's coming back in the series He's fine

I will say his like Computer Vision Where he's looking at everyone It's just like big bloke 10,000 Newton's force that's exactly what the hallucination layer

looks like when I'm watching these movies where Frank Transpore is on it just like gay transgender born woman I'm like yes definitely makes sense

The evil computer voice talks to them from the helicopter and is like I'm obviously Ryan Reynolds and I will see you in the next movie

yeah you're like Deadpool yeah it's crazy that they leave the Rock's daughter with Ryan Reynolds who's obviously a twist villain

and then they don't twist it they just don't they're like completely on twist And the next one. Whatever. Like a really, like a really terrible holler.

It's untwisted in any way. Just like two lines. That's so fucked up. I'm like, I'm evil Obama. I'm saying, get it twisted. If you don't twist your... Just two fredsticks next to each other. Yeah.

Oh, that's good. Yeah. Like drambling, drums. Untwisting all your foozily. Um, so... It's... It's... softening it, untwisting it and re-drying it and putting it back.

Putting it back. See, like steaming the packet close again. That's a roll doll punishment. That's fucking nothing. We then begin our 10 million scenes that take place after the movie has ended. We have to now say family. Family is so fucking real, by the way. The Rock takes his daughter to like meet the family.

The family. The family. And she reconciled instantly. because to be fair, she didn't do anything wrong, and he kind of did. If you're alienating your kid from the wider family with no explanation, she's at an age even. She looks like she's about like 12 maybe. That's probably enough time to still introduce her to her, like, culture that she comes from, you know?

Sure. But, man, she should have done that fast. That's crazy. Helen Mirren gets a visit in prison from Frank Transportor and Vanessa Kirby. She's like, I'm so happy to see you two children and not, my third. Oh, my two children, but I love. She literally goes in the first scene. He got taken like Theon Greyjoy, who was brought up in a different castle in Wales.

Yeah, because they had two scenes with Talamirin, and one of them, she's going like, I can't wait to see you and your sister. No one else. You too, she says. You too. You too. Wow. Like, what the fuck, man? Not even person.

I guess maybe he was adopted from wildcum fucking how Wales is treated. I don't want to. So. Forgotten about it. They've reconciled, she's gonna get a broken of prison. I guess they've cleared everything up with MI6, you know? Yeah, because otherwise, that's probably bad. Yeah, I guess the Americans just have the virus now.

Not mad about that. Ryan Reynolds calls the rock in another mid-credit scene to do some Game of Thrones references. Great. And be like, hey, so I'm also capable of tremendous violence in a whimsical way. That I'm sure that'll come back at some point. And we get another post-credit sequence where the rock has... No, hold on, hold on. Wait what?

And Ryan Reynolds goes, in late 2019, that first virus was nothing. There's another one coming. Yeah. It's even bigger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he does say that. Yeah.

He's just trying to set up a sequel, but oh, he set up a sequel. Oh, dear. Ryan Reynolds did COVID. I believe that. Yeah. We do another sexual assault joke here, because in the second mid-credit scene... Second, yeah. That like, armed police get called to Jason Statham's authenticity pub at the behest of the

Rock who has told them, who's swatted him and has told them that his name is like Jonathan Small Penis or whatever. Yeah, I don't know. And then they, and then explicitly goes like, oh yeah, enjoy getting like sort of anally probed. And then we got a post-credit scene. No. We do.

We do. We get a post-credit scene, which is just a continuation of the first mid-creddred It's seen with more Ryan Reynolds bits. More Ryan Reynolds. I didn't even get this for, oh. They don't twist it. They still don't do the twist. It's just more, he does some more, he does some more.

He should have just been like, I'm gonna be the bad guy in the next movie, by the way. Girls, girls, I have some horrible news. What's your horrible news, my sweet friend? The director of this movie did, and some of these will surprise you and many of them won't. Atomic blonde. Fuck. Yeah, it makes sense. Same shall use they're on, actually.

Tommy Blonde, almost the worst movie we've ever seen on this podcast. Charlie Theron also cancelled. Yeah, yeah. He also did Deadpool 2. Oh, that's why Ryan Reynolds is here. That's why he's immediately. And is currently engaged on. Congratulations.

Oceans 14. No way! No. No, you can't do this to be. I hope you're prepared for the most Whedon-esque live. show that we could possibly do. Fuck! With George Cooney and Brad Pitt in there.

Oh, fuck me. Fuck. Okay. Well, I look forward to auditioning for that. Yeah, yeah. I'm the 14. They decided they needed a training. And then we'll watch it and go,

it's pretty good. It's not you. It's actually fine. I have a good time. Speaking of numbers. We don't have to judge this thing subjectively because we have a science-based system. It's called the scum system.

It stands for SMOM. What you fucking do. Cultural and sensitivity. unprovoked violence and misogyny. So on scale of zero to seven, how Smarmy is Hobbs and Shore? Ten fucking ten. It's got to be at least to seven. Jesus Christ.

Okay, I would just say eight. I don't, eight, maybe nine. I'd hear nine comfortably here. Every line is just, and then fast eight was. I think it's smarmy. Yes. Yes. We gave that at eight.

Because they, well, nine. Because they think the funniest thing in the entire universe is. is these two big men insulting each other, but they can't think of a way to do it that isn't just them doing it straight. So they just do it shit loads throughout the whole movie. The Game of Thrones, the Lord of the Rings. Your voice makes me feel like dragging my balls across broken glass

and it hurts. Yeah. Awesome. Bad. Like nine. Fuck you. Yeah, yeah. It's very, very smart.

Cultural sensitivity. It makes a concerted effort to be culturally sensitive. It does actually. That's actually quite nice. It's kind of funny to be like, we're going to the worst shit hole on earth and then two scenes later to be like, Ukraine, the worst shit hole on earth. I think what they were going for was that it was Chernobyl, but they don't actually say that.

Yeah. They just say it. Yeah. Dr. Rolfo Rubech. That's pretty bad just in terms of like, fucking lazy. Do we take points off for trying to be more culturally sensitive? We have done in the past. I think...

I think by that we give it a couple and then we've got to take some back. Because I actually quite like the Samoa stuff. It's nice that they got to do it. So did I. Yeah. I didn't mind it. Zero? I mean...

One? I guess it averages out to zero. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't think of anything that was like glaringly culturally insensitive. Calling the black bad guy Brickson gets at a point, but I feel like that's

fucking bad man. Yeah. Yeah. We're gonna average it out to zero? I think it does average out. I think the math math stuff. Okay. Okay, fine, average out.

Put it down zero. Maths math. I'm registering a dissension, but I understand. Okay, you're writing for the minority. Yes. Unprovoked violence. Minority report. Unprovoked violence.

Very little. Again, we sort of explicitly go like, oh, we're using the like non-lethal rounds here or whatever. Yeah, yeah. The bad guys are the ones who kill people. There's a little bit of, like, death violence and soft defense. We love torture. A little bit of torture. A little bit of torture.

It's good and works, yeah. Weird amounts of torture. And like for fun as well, which kind of makes it worse to be like in my epic movie for teens, to be like, yeah, of course you would torture a guy to get information, you know? Because like, fucking, like... Yeah, you want information, don't you? Yeah, and it works.

Fast and Furious, like, did that for sure, but it did that when it was like, oh, and he's like, furious now, or is this a like normal day at the office for like the bit Very right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like completely just off the dome, I'm gonna like, dangle a guy out of window, like, should- No one was under the influence of the Venom symbiote. Yeah.

No. Two? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I could hear two. Okay, yeah. And then misogyny. Well, we have a meat market shot, but only one, and it's pretty like, lester. We get a, yeah, we get a couple lines like that. We get, we get Helen fucking Mirren for one shot, one, for like two things.

But she has to be a male character's mum. Yeah. And Vanessa Kirby is portrayed as a character, sorry, Hattie, is portrayed as competent and able to fight, but not on the same level as the guys and she has to be the Rock's romantic interest. It's also really selective. She has a big like power off button where she would just get like immobilized for a whole scene or get kidnapped for a whole scene. And that's... Yeah.

Sometimes they just don't know what to do. do of her and they kind of put her in the... We'll get to you in a minute zone. We do the kind of like Hot Girl Torture Squad, but they're not really particularly characters. They could just as easily have... Like, for all the thing that they do to get them to next location, it could have been like a Hot Girl replacement bus service. Like it's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just walked in out of John Wick. Yeah, and since you're using the sort of scantily clad, like, suspension bondage women just to get my attention and failing, then that's got to be worth something on it. own. I think I agree. What does that put it? It's sort of like medium bad, like a four, maybe?

I was gonna say four. Yeah, we have the rock being like consent, it's sexy. Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Charlie's Angels, but then, yeah, it does not quite reflect it. It feels like it's kind of trying to beat the allegations a little bit, but yeah. As far as the franchise goes, I'd say it's like pretty good. It is, but yeah. I like how this does not, does not successfully. I think it's refined.

I don't think it's good. I think they know what they're doing at this point. There's a real, there's a real sort of gap here in measurement, right? Because I think this is like, they're a fairly vile object. And- I hated this so much. I really hated it. I just, you do all of this stuff, right?

You do all these terrible movies and you're like, finally, I get to like produce one. I get to put in like a positive depiction of my like nation and culture and heritage and stuff. And then it has to be in the sort of back third of Hobbs and Shore. That fucking sucks. That's a no one. It's a shame that Hollywood's like, well, when you get to the eighth or ninth movie, you can do a little bit of your authentic spirit in the final third of one of them. Yeah, it's sort of like we employed like a sort of a trans actor for like an entire franchise.

And after 15 years, we finally get to give her like 10 minutes of programmer socks content. That's like. Oh, also it's kind of depressing as well. Like this is how they treat the rock, the most bankable star in the world. And it's like, yeah. It's crazy. It's sort of self-indulgent on the sort of production level to commission this and be like, yeah, sure, we'll give you like half a movie of whatever stuff you want to do.

You know? Well, we can reveal that the total score is 15, which, other than Fast and Furious 1, which is still winning on 12, is in fact the second best movie in the franchise. Yeah, better, it's worse than it sounds. Okay. You know? It's much worse than the numbers make it sound. sometimes something gets a low number just from being kind of bland.

It's a science-based system, you know? You're right, definitely. You could have us watch this movie a hundred times a day for like, you know, the next year, and I would tell you the same thing. But also, I won't do that. I would say, please put me in the pig machine from Hannibal Lecter. Thank you. Yeah, but you said that already.

It's sort of like basically unprompted. Yeah, that's true. Well, I was saying it a lot. When The Rock is a bit too old to do action movies, I would love to see The Rock go and do some quiet dramas set and filmed on Samoa. Yeah, absolutely. Wait a second. Was this movie filmed on Samoa?

This movie was filmed in Hawaii. Ah, you fuckers, you got me. You've got an American Samoa and everything. Just fucking, you're telling me you can't. Tax breaks probably. You've got a colony. Just film on it. Hawaii is in the US.

You'd have to do with international visas and shit. Infrastructure, yeah. What part of the US? No, American Samoa is like a, It's like a territory. It's one of those sort of colonial sort of, you know, old things. It's crazy that that still exists and can happen. It's actually happening, as we speak.

They are Americans. They don't get to vote for the president. Yeah. Fuck yeah, Christ. I hope we have some of you. Hey, what's up? Yeah, I'm sorry. I fucked up the line about DMC so bad, but, you know,

your country looks beautiful, except as far as it wasn't your country. It was actually someone else's that we were looking at. Yeah, the other country, but was full of, like, New Zealand actors, looked like a great approximation of what I, imagine Samoa to be. So great work, everyone. Sort of a broader Polynesian solidarity. Anyway, there is a world where Taika Waitidi was in those scenes, and I just want to say thank you for not making that one.

Thank you for not doing that. Thank you. Thank you for not doing that. Thank you. I just want to say thank you. So in that case, best movie we've ever seen. Actually, you know what? Give it 20 points off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Incredible. Amazing. You guys don't like Tyco Watiti? Let's not get into that now.

Thank you so much for listening to Kill James Bond. And our next bonus episode will be the Wandering Earth, which is Abby's pick. Armageddon, brackets, Chinese. Yeah. Fuck yes. And then. And then. And then we'll be back with fast 10.

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