Kill James Bond! - S4E39: F9: The Fast Saga

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

It's the penultimate Fast and Furious, and wouldn't you believe it but we've arrived at total context collapse. Nothing that we've seen before actually happened the way we thought. Nobody actually did anything. ----- FREE PALESTINE - With the ceasefire in full effect, the media has returned to ignoring the daily atrocities in Gaza. My friend Ahmed still needs to feed his family and afford medicine. Anything you can kick in would be hugely appreciated. https://chuffed.org/project/150817-please-help-ahmed-and-his-family-get-food-drink-and-medicine And these are some more general links you can support collective efforts with! -The Palestinian Communist Youth Union is doing a food and water effort, and is part of the official communist party of Palestine https://www.gofundme.com/f/to-preserve-whats-left-of-humanity-global-solidarity -Water is Life, a water distribution project in North Gaza affiliated with an Indigenous American organization and the Freedom Flotilla https://www.waterislifegaza.org/ -Vegetable Distribution Fund, which secured and delivers fresh veg, affiliated with Freedom Flotilla also https://www.instagram.com/linking/fundraiser?fundraiser_id=1102739514947848 ----- WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ ----- Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com , as well as on our Bluesky and X.com the everything app account  

So it was my birthday recently and my beloved wife, my dear wife, she got me, she got me two presents, right? One, like a genuine one, and the other one just to kind of annoy me. And the one that was just to annoy me, the one that was just a provocation, she got me the Lego fast and furious tie-in, Paul Walker Skyline. Yes. Which is this in my house now. You got that, man. I'm going to have to build it. I'm gonna have to put together Lego Paul Walker.

And like, this might be the only Lego like mini fig of a pedophile they made. Do we know that? Is that true? Is that a fact? Can we put that out on the airways? Maybe there's more. Did you not have the Lego Epstein Island play set for kids? Yeah, building that mosque was so fun. Tracy Island myself, I don't know. List of real people Legos. Yeah, there was a little Lego Donald Trump that came with it. Okay, so we've got Abraham Lincoln. who I think is Mark Sape.

Not a pedo. Jane Goodall, R.A.P. Not a pedo. Vincent von Hook, I think Fine. I don't know who that is. Probably a peto. No, me neither. Amelia Earhart.

The Beatles. Inconclusive. The Beatles I'm not thrilled about. The Beatles. Ooh. I don't know enough about the Beatles to comment on that, but I'm going to say probably. The entire cast of Queer Eye? I mean, in that case, that's more like annoying than

anything else. They're probably not pedos. No, I think not. I don't think we can say that. No, of them, I guess. Julius Caesar, Cleopatra, George Washington, that you could have a leg over guy who owned slaves. Okay. I mean, that's, that's just as evil.

Yeah, I think. I don't really feel comfortable ranking that, but okay. I do. In fact, let's not do the movie we're going to talk about. There is another. There is another one. There is another. Because you could get a Lego mini figure of Jerry Seinfeld.

Fuck, yeah, you can. I've got him. Oh, wait a minute. There must also be, there's got to be a Lego Michael Jackson, too. There's got to be a Lego MJ. You're so right. Oh, okay, hold on. There must be Lego Michael Jackson.

Fuck this podcast. Lego Michael. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. I am November Kelly. I am joined as always by my friends Abigail Thorne and. Hello. Bora da Bobb. Brois-Owee Cymory James Bond motherfuckers.

Yeah. How are we doing over there in England? Twat. Also, fucking Scotland's done well. Mm-hmm. It's true. It's true. They elected oomph.

I've had a good election result for the first time in my fucking life. We elected oomphi. You got oomph? Iris Dwayne, who is umph and who is like, like, who I'm mutuals with, who I've met a couple of times, is one of of my MSPs now. Let's go. For the Greens. Let's fucking go.

Like one of three, two or three trans MSPs. So hell fucking yeah. Or councillors, whichever. I'm just thrilled because obviously I voted reform and we've made massive gains. They've been amazing. They've done so well. I voted by, I did postal vote and you can track it and it has not yet arrived. But the people that I voted for won anyway, so they don't need my vote.

So that's good. This is good. This is good news. It's fantastic over you. You can tell that we're padding this one out because today's movie... Don't need to. I strongly perceived this as an insult to life itself. I was questioning a lot of things about my career and my vocation, you know?

And I was like, I have to go to work and I have to talk about Fast 9. Yes. I think they're improving objectively, but I'm kind of checked out at this point on the franchise. They're getting smoother. That's the thing. They are. Yes. Good descriptor.

I've got way less complaints about this one. Yeah. But it's like, it is still just as spiritually evil as fast seven. There's no texture. It goes down smoother now. Yeah, I think the thing is, after about Fast Five, they started, there was a, there's a kind of like event horizon for any kind of series that I think you can tip over. I think Bond did that a long time ago. It's one of the reasons why it compels us.

Yes. It's something that, like, after a while, it becomes a formula. And having seen now, what, 10 of these films, I can say I've enjoyed one of them. Yeah, fast two. I like fast, too. I enjoyed too fast, too furious. That was a... There were bits of Tokyo drift, I guess I enjoyed.

But no, in the main, it's the same movie now. Yeah, yeah. It's slop now. It's slop, unfortunately. Well made. And like people worked hard in it, put their heart and soul into it. Sure. Well, put a lot of time into it.

Put a lot of money. People have a lot of work into this. Put a lot of work into it. And money. A huge amount. They definitely put a lot of money into this. Some people are doing like good, good, having a good time. There's one moment around I'm like, yes, that made me happy.

But yeah, it's a bit, yeah. We're firmly, we're sucking from the tube at this point. The nozzle is like worming its way into our esophagus. Wake up, honey. It's time for more fast and furious. Yeah, yeah. So we do have a nice little touch at the very start though, which is that we get the old universal logo.

Because we go into a flashback to 1989, so we get the 80s universal logo, which was a nice little touch. That is nice. Briefly made me think I was watching the wrong film. We can tell that it's the past because we're in the deep sort of sepia filter, there's like gauze over the lens, and we see a Touretto in an old-timey space man helmet racing, but this This is not the Dom Teresso that we know and love. This is Dad Toretto.

Yes. This is Jack. His dad. This is sort of a pitfall for any long-running enough series, feeling that you have to explain a backstory that you had already explained. And they make it worse. Oh, it's a shame. It's a shame.

It makes it much worse. In, I think it was like fast fucking three. I don't know. Dom Terezzo goes, yeah, my... Was it really? Jesus. It was. That was the bit we really liked about the first one.

Yeah, when we're, when we're, Dom Teretto is explaining his backstory and he's like, my dad, Dad Teretto got killed racing and I lost it and I beat the guy who killed him like half to death with a tire iron and it's defined my life and I've, I've vowed never to become that person again, right, and to live free of anger. And then, then nine movies happened. Yeah. Yeah. So now we're like, well, I guess we better show that.

We need a framing device for this. Yeah. They give Dad Teresa the 009. He's fully- They do. They do. This motherfucker dressed as a clown. So Dad Dorado is racing and then there are two boys playing like young versions of the actors, which I always like, it's like young Dom and also this other kid, Jack, Dom's brother,

who we're hearing off for the first time. They're having a beef with car number 23. The actual, I had to look up the actual character's name is Linda, because every time they I said, it sounds like Glynna. The fucking Lindor Master Chocolatier in Cars 23 is beefing with Dad Tarreto. Yeah.

And so he's having trouble with his car as well. And Jack, the other kid, is like going under the hood to try and fix it. Jacob. Jacob. It's Jacob. I wrote it down wrong. Don't worry, it'll come up.

Yeah. And he like fixes the car and the dad goes off. And almost immediately. gets... Like instantly. Like the Tatooine series of Pod Racing, Subalba maneuver. He gets... Yeah, he gets like...

PIT maneuver him and he flips over and explodes, like just fire everywhere. He does, he goes out like Dale Earnhardt. Yeah. And we see that Dom is being like held back from like going to him and he's screaming, like, that's my dad for context. He's having like... It's really, really good newsful. It's like...

Agonies. It's wild the way this is found. That's my dad. That's my dad. I'm playing a young version of Dom Torreto. That's my dad. Yeah. Okay.

I get it. That's my dad over there and over there and some over there. There is Michael Rooker in this scene playing a sort of a mechanic guy. I like seeing him. Yeah, absolutely. Then we cut across to Don Torreto. He's got a son and this was made post-pandemic. The cameras are all too good.

Everything's too crisp. It's fucked. We're all fucked. I can see everything. It's crazy how they moved to Beecher's Hope from Red Dead Redemption. They did. Holy shit, that is just John Marst's place in Red Dead Redemption. Yeah, because they're laying low.

It's a great place to do it. Dom, I guess, went a bit crazy during the pandemic and decided that they had to live off the grid. It happened to a few people. Yeah, they don't address the pandemic in this one. No. No. Letty's here too, and she very pointedly does not pick up that child. She's like, that's not much arm.

Oh, fuck, touch him. No, no way. Who fuck is this asshole? Get out of here. Much like John Marston, right? The FBI, they imagine, appear on the horizon. And so Dom takes his kid, little Brian, and is like, Brian, we trained for this. You know, I told you the One World Government would come to vaccinate you.

It is now time for you to get into the Saddam Hussein hiding place. If we're gonna put you in a bunker with the Chinese. Get into my Rambo 5 network of tunnels when I've been digging over. I have been digging over the course of the pandemic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's a specific thing that I have beef with, right? He goes to his guns wall, which is all shotguns because of Don Torreto's iconic shotgun. But in the first movie, he had a shotgun because that was like, just like a plausible, normal thing that a guy who was kind of tough might have in his garage.

And now he has like... No, wrong. It's actually because he loves it and he's the shotguns guy. He's supposed to shop-ins. He has to have become the avatar of just like a signifier that was early on. He's completely flanderized. The luxury wall of pump-action shotguns. It's like, come on, man.

Yeah. But so it turns out it's not the One World government coming to vaccinate Brian. It's actually, it's the crew. We have once again spared you the putting together the crew. It's the crew here. It's Roman, Tess, and Ransy, yeah, they're here. Wonderful. They have a message from Kurtz and.

Kurt Russell, who's appearing in this movie very briefly to be like, my plane is being shot down by a rogue agent. Also, I've sending you some encrypted data, which will be unencrypted later on at the screenwriter's discretion when it's time to explain more about the plot. And I caught Charlie Soron from the previous movie and then she was heisted in mid-air. Somebody's heisting her out of the plane and shooting me down. Yeah, what have been cool to have seen that, maybe. Yeah. Good action sequence.

We get a garbled message from Mr. Nobody where he genuinely goes, assemble the crew. Yeah. Like, shut up. And the crew coming and they go, we assembled ourselves. You're actually one of the last guys

we're picking up, Don Torrello. Yeah, yeah. And Letty. Also, this happened over the fictional country of Monte Quinto, which is in Central America. We're just like,

all countries in this franchise so far have been fictional, but this one is especially fictional. It doesn't exist. It's the Avengers now. It's avenger Slop, yeah. The second they go, oh, our mission takes place

in a made-up South American country. They're going to kill so many people. They are going to kill so many guys. I have two notes right here. One is that we do briefly see like a photo of Charlotties the run in this, and they've given her Oh my God.

They've given her a worse haircuts. I can't believe it. Another fuck-ass haircut. She has the Dylan Ruth haircut. She has like... She looks like a medieval peasant. She looks like a school shooter. She looks fucking white supremacist.

Like, it's nuts. She looks like level one kingdom come deliverance oaf. She looks. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking. Mr. Nobody on the photo. I captured and tonsured.

But they tishted her in mid-air. Yeah, she has to take holy orders now. No. Yeah. We're actually capturing her to send her to prison and give her a better haircut. Port, captured and tonsured. And ton shored. to a permanent end.

Extradica to a barber. Yeah, right now. But so the other thing is, because Dom has been radicalized by COVID, he's like, no, I'm not working for the like CIA to implement one world government and 15 minute cities. I don't want to do this. I want to stay here and raise my kids to like stay unvaccinated. He's like, I'm refusing the call to adventure. I'm refusing.

I want to stay here to protect my kid and let's like, This isn't my fucking kid. I'm going to do the plot of Fast and Furious Night. I'm going to do the plot of Fast and Furious Night. So she puts on a sick white leather jacket and pieces the fuck out. It is, it is sick. I do. There is,

I like that they didn't immediately palm the kid off onto Letty and ride her out of the movie. Yeah, I do. But that's like, that's a very low bar to have passed. But I do like that Lettie was like, no, I've got to do this.

There's a scene with her later where she unironically goes like, the action is the fucking juice for me, like legitimately. Yeah, I like this shit, yeah. Do not write me out of this fucking franchise. If you're right, I do like that she just contextualize this for the viewer by being like, but Dom Teresso, Charlize Theron, when she had a slightly less fucked up haircut, killed the mother of, I guess, our child. And Dom just says, you're, she says, your, she says, your, not out of your child.

That's the only way she ever responds to the kid is like, wow, that's your child. Little Brianito is going to be explaining this to a therapist in 20. 20 years time. For sure. No. I really respect that Michelle Rodriguez is like an openly queer actress who is like, you will not write me out of this fucking action franchise. I'm like, I'm holding on to this fucking paycheck.

You're gonna take it out of my cold dead hands, fuckers. I respect to all my half. Respect the hell out of it. Yeah. Dom is just like, I don't know, things change. Effectively like, I don't know, maybe she was right to kill Elena. But meanwhile, Letty. Lettie is looking for some like Red Dead redemption.

redemption. So she goes. Yeah. Yeah. Let's like, I got to get out of her. They give the kid the amulet that gives her maternal life, which is smart. You guys suck. I'm going to get it to be fun. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The Blessed Amulet, Dom's Blessed Amulet

will come up again later, but they do give the kid the Blessed Amulet of pretending. Because Don't watch the video back that Mr. Nobody sent him. He notices there's a mysterious figure in the background in the video who also has his own Blessed Amulet of Protection, which we saw his dad had as well.

I guess wasn't turned on because it didn't protect him. But he's like, oh, shit. There's no one else up there. There's a second one. Could have a big cross necklace. Yeah. So the hero is using the cool thing last five minutes. He's late to the airport functionally.

Because they bring back Mia! Mia's back in the movie! She turns up at the Red Dead Red Dead Redemption Ranch and Dom's like, could you watch Brian while I go and do the plot? And she's like, yeah. He also says, how is Paul Walker? Walker and she's like, he's fine. He's so alive. He's alive in the movies. It's the main thing. Very, very alive. Yeah. He's alive as fucking the movies.

Hanging out with him just off screen. They actually do something very smart, which is like, oh, fuck, we could just say that Brian's looking after the kids. He's not dead in these movies. Yeah. Yeah. You just have them. It's like, oh, thank God. Then we can let the women do something. We left him with the kids. Uh, yeah. Maybe don't do that. I'm not building a fucking Lego set. Maybe don't do that. We, we, we, we, we, We go to the legally not a country, right? And very considerably, Mr. Nobody has crashed his plane at the end of a road so they can just drive to it.

Yeah, that's really nice. One thing I do like is that we now do have a fully non-white core cast. But the bad thing here is that we've got that in the same way that we got like The Rock got to do all of the Samoa stuff by making all of the other movies. We got here just by duration, essentially. These are the ones who are willing to hang on to the fucking fast movies. It's ludicrous. It's Roman Pierce.

It's Ramsey, Natalie Emmanuel. Good for her. Yeah. And Dom and Letting. And Dom, obviously. Yeah. But so they get into the crash scene. And this is...

I want to pull up the car selection. Because they're in a convoy and the cars are going... They've got like a Ford off-road thing, smart. They've got an amphibious vehicle smart. Michelle Rodriguez is on a motorbike. Dom is driving his fucking iconic BDS Dodge Charger in the hunting jungle. In the jungle. And he's like, fine. It's not a problem at all. And he drives it around Edinburgh later. It's completely normal. It's fine. But so they get it, and they find the thing that the plane was shot down carrying besides a woman with a fucked

up haircut, which is, I can only describe it as a power cube, right? Because you know, I know how every Avengers movie now is like an actor entirely on a green screen going, give me the power cube? Yeah. I've showed up to work at the volume. I've walked into the middle and I've done like a heroic half turn and they've put something behind me. I don't know.

I've gone home. Yeah. This is a power cube. It's a power cube. It's only half of the power cube. Yeah. It's a shape. It's an orb.

It's one hemisphere of the orb. Yeah, and they're like, What the fuck is this? There are three parts to this, and you have to collect them in order to get the movie going. This is a guffin, and they're looking for the map.

It's the mother box. It's the power cube. It's the fucking orb of destiny. The box is mothering. As soon as they recover it, goons attack all these faceless goons. And we hear that this area is controlled by the military.

So it's like, cool, yeah, we could just kill all these guys, no problem. Arguably, every country is controlled by the military. sense that they have just kind of invaded it. There was this, there's a difficult thing here, right? Well, because we have a gunfight, and they again don't quite know what to do with Roman

Pierce as a character anymore, because... Which... Sorry, you go ahead. I'll... Yeah, I'll complain. For a long time, he was the comic relief, right? And then they felt like they had to give him some, like, dignity, so he became John Wick for a second and locked in.

And now he's the comic relief John Wick. So he's still doing bits about how he's like pissing himself and crying because he's scared. But he is killing dozens of people. Yeah. Dozens. Like he is mowing down the military of Monte Quinto. He takes out a battalion on his own. Yeah, he does.

Roman Pierce, Tyrese Gibson, had huge beef with Dwayne of Rock Johnson. He said that he wouldn't be in this movie if Dwayne was going to be in it. Really? So just wanted you to know, they chose him out of two. Wow. Wow. Just want to know that. I did not know that.

That's crazy. I wonder how that came about. Yeah. I mean, I remember when Roman Pierce was kind of an interesting character, but then part of the problem was... He was so interesting in the one movie that we liked. The one movie that he liked, it was about his relationship with Brian, and now Brian is child-minding. So, um, also another problem here is everybody's getting old. And they do take one approach here, which is they do cast like, Yucon.

younger versions of them for the prequel shot, for the flashbacks. Which is good, right? Because it wouldn't be good if you used a bunch of experimental de-aging technology. It would look really kind of unconvincing. It would make a really strange-looking movie. Yeah, and we would never talk about a movie that did that. But it does mean that now none of them can move their faces. Because they've all had quite a lot of surgery in Botox, and there's a bit where Vin Diesel has to emote, and the only part of him that moves is his lips, which are slightly Purfs.

It's like, oh no. I think he's sad, maybe. Yeah, it's difficult. It's difficult. It's difficult. It's really difficult. You were never supposed to watch these back to back. No, you weren't.

No, no, no. The other thing is streaming this. This loaded quite badly for me, like there was kind of jarring, like, kind of hangs in between shots, which really gave it the feeling of a game made in the Unreal engine that hasn't pre-cached its shaders. So it really just... People are just popping in. It slid into the modern warfare kind of zone for me.

Yeah, this sequence is there like being chased across a minefield is quite Fury Road. It's like it's pretty sick. I quite like this. Yeah, they get chased into a minefield, which is not at all like the mines from ice cold and dead name. It's not tense. It's not like the mines from, oh, Christ, what's the other one?

Uh, god, another day. The hot one, Christ. No, the truck. We just did it. Hot truck, explosion. Yeah, there's a nice little bit of dead name, isn't it? No, there's another one. There's no one further back.

Wages of fear. That's the cunt. Wages for Christ, leave that in. We need to know what they're paying for. I don't know anything about anything I've seen. It's nothing like in fucking wages of fear either. Instead, they just go, like, we need to go as fast as possible over these. And furious.

Yeah, there's two things. There's two things here again. One is that we get a shot of a guy with a mysterious blessed amulet of protection. watching all of this transpiring. And we go, oh shit, Dom has an author of all his pain. He does, he does. I thought that, I thought it was Cypher that was the author of all of Dom's pain. No, he has another one.

That's fine. Yeah. The other one is, I can get too woke about this movie, with your permission, right? I could get too work about this. That's what we're here for. So what we do here is we use some landmines or a minefield to establish, like, establish, like, oh, we can set off some explosions and stuff, and there are little explosions dotting over the thing. Not to be, again, like, too woke, right?

You know how many kids get killed by landmines? It's a lot, right? How do the mines get there? Yeah. I mean, because I'm interested in this because this is something, one of the few things where, like, international law or international humanitarian law had a material effect on stuff, is the Ottawa Treaty, like, actually legitimately improved, like, humanity in the world because it banned anti-personnel landmines.

And that's gone now, kind of, because, you know, war is back. Yeah, rules are gone again, yeah. Rules are gone, and we keep inventing, like, new and more horrifying weapons. But it's like, I don't know, maybe I'm making too much of it to be like, this creeping into, you know, like the drone a couple of movies ago, this thing, creeping into the movies is weird. But yeah, this was something that, like, became illegal. and like, sort of widely disavowed

in terms of using like anti-personnel landmines in conflict. And, yeah, the huge, huge bloody legacy that continues to this day. So that's bad, but they do use it for an action sequence. They do use it, yeah. During this action sequence, there is a henchman who gets the rare combination of getting the Kronstein both technically and full-blooded because he leaped out of a car onto Lettie's motorbike.

So he attacks the driver of the vehicle, That guy jumps from a car onto a motorbike. I'm like, that is going above and beyond, bro. You could have just twad it there with the door. But you fucking jumped out there. And then he gets slammed into a tree. And I'm like, that's unfortunate. But well done.

The Cronstein Square. Yeah. He's getting up at the union meeting. Give him a round of applause, boys. This guy has fucking done it. Good for him. Yeah, yeah. I don't think he's getting up.

I think he's like raising his hand from a wheelchair. Where is he? Let's give him a big of him. Weirdly, weirdly like the Cronstein Awards are awarded. by Hensch. It's kind of like industry dinner thing. Presented by Hens and the makers of landmines

and like Raytheon. Stephen Fry's giving a speech there. Yeah. That's pretty good. The People's Choice Award at Hensh. It's like, yeah, it's mostly like 70% jury votes. Yeah, exactly.

Roman is almost killed by a landmine when it goes off next to him. And again, I really, I can suck all of the fun out of this by being like anti-personnel landmines are designed to kill people. They're designed to. mutilate people because that way you have to stop and take care of the casualty. It's a really nasty work.

Anyway, he survives and the others are like... But he survives and begins working on a theory. Hey, Roman, how do you survive? And he just goes, and just like shrugs and walks off, which is sort of the level of effort, I expect from the screenwriting at this point. They have a big fucking chase. My notes at this point just say genuinely distressed. Everything's computer.

Everything's computer. Oh, my God. practical explosions, but yeah, it's a lot of computer. They can get explosions. As far as reshoots go, Lettie has to say a line containing the phrase, the device, you know, the shapes thing, the Mugan. That's awesome.

And there's a cut in between the and a device for no reason. It had a much more unwieldy name. They must have had a different name at some point, yeah. The Doomsday device or the fucking, yeah, I don't know. This Bezoole device. If we talked about Fast 7, I think it was, we were introduced, whatever it was. One of the things that we mentioned is this movie is better when it introduces wrestlers or this series is. Yes.

Yes. And his name is Ernst Blofeld. And his name is John Cena. The time is up. My time is now. Yes. Okay. This is the only.

Winning Gracebri, I love John Cena. He's one of the best of the wrestlers turned actors. He's right up there with Don Batista, who somehow hasn't been in these movies yet. Oh, fucking show me an advert, you piece of shit. It's... He shows up in what must be a driverless car, because we can't see him. No, he shows up in... So I show... What is this guy?

I guess... I guess the opposite of the BDS Dodge Charger. He shows... A Zionist Charger. Yeah. The Soda Stream Dodge Charger. Oh no. Hang on, I find out what it is.

Oh no. He shows up in the JNF Dodge Charter. And he says, why can Donald Trump win elections by not making promises about Israel, but Democrats apparently have to? And then he scoops up the device and drives off a cliff onto a jet and flies away. He does mug them effortlessly. He mocks them, yeah. Oh, fuck.

I just want to read this note that I took verbatim, just so you get a sense of my exasperation. When the plane shows up. him to drive onto it. I write down, the plane makes the fucking Thai fighter noise choke on my fucking dick. It literally, yeah. It does. It does. And there's Marvel music when the guy shows like, oh my God. So they have to escape. So they get chaser they escape. They do like a jump and then a hook shot and swing over. I do want to highlight one move that Don makes. Ledy gets knocked off of her motorbike in midair and he swings his car around so that she lands on the bonnet of his car instead of the soft loamy er.

And I just want to go, thank you so much, my man. Yeah, I was looking loamy. Yeah, the way they get out of it. As you say is the hook shot thing, and I write down, his beloved car will become his zip line, which isn't really anything. Everything's computer, they drive across a bridge. Dom completed the water temple with the Dodge Charger, and that's how he can use the long shot. This movie is two and a half hours long, by the way.

So we're gonna have to kick things. Ford Mustang. I should say it's a Zionist Ford Mustang. That's what he's got. That kind of pranks to me. Yeah, they do some cool computer shit. And then because Americans are like, all right, the military has stopped because we passed the border. Yeah.

Your military doesn't. Back on the cargo plane, Agent Dickhead from the fourth, fourth, third movie, whatever. Shane Wigam. Yeah. Oh, that's that guy. What the fuck you do? He's like, ah, I got, where, whatever. And Ramsey's like, I decrypted the data next location.

It kind of funny thing, remember when this guy was a cop? And remember when there was a junior Mr. Nobody, CIA agent replacement Brian, who they could have used for this and then just didn't? Yeah, why isn't he back? Why isn't he? Yeah, anyway, no, whatever. Maybe he was throwing something. This is the point of which we discover, oh my God, secret brothers. Yes.

Yes. They're like, that guy was Jacob Torreto, Don's brother. And Roman, because this is the one-frey. fucking thing he does in this movie serves to go, oh, you're telling me that you just so happen to have a secret brother who's also like a super cool, like spy and he can drive literally like a bad out of hell, quote unquote, and jumps off planes and catches planes and shit like that. And they go, yeah, they go, who could do that?

A Touretto. It's just so trailer. It's just trailer lines. It's all just like, oh, this, if we really do this, this will be the coolest thing we've ever done, gang. Kill him! He doesn't do it! It's no purpose! Sorry, but kill Roman, kill Roman. Kill Roman 2K26. Everyone has like a lost brother at this point.

They should kill one of them just to establish the stakes, that'd be good. Kill someone! That's kind of the thesis of the movie at points, and then it just doesn't, right? But please. We then go back to the flashback, right, with a kid playing Dom, who does a really good job. He sounds a lot like Vinnie. I'm fine with this. Yeah, he does.

Yeah, good thing. I like this. This is, if you have to sort of like keep the franchise going, then yeah, you need to be casting younger actors. It's bad to do it as prequels, but whatever. Anyway, this kid, he like, after his dad is killed, he stumbles upon, like... The guy who was driving the car that caused him to flip. This is where we see the famous incident. We didn't need to see it.

I don't want to see it. And also they change it. They change it. Yeah, right. Because what it is is the guy comes and like, goes to look at the car and is caught by young John Sina. Yeah. And he's sort of like waggling his eyebrows out.

I'm like, oh, I can't pay my last respect to the guy I subalbored. And young Dom sort of kicks young Jake away and like, tells the guy to leave and the guy attacks him. Yeah, it sucks that it's provoked. The thing that was really good about Dom's backstory is that it was an unprovoked attack that he just went nuts and just raged out. That was a really compelling thing about him and it sucks that they changed it. It's making Grito shoot first. Yeah. It really is. Yeah. It kind of kills like one of the only interesting things about Dom because he doesn't even really lose his temper, right?

Like it's... Yeah. His whole backstory was that one time he killed someone in anger and it has changed the way he approaches his life completely. And he not only did he not in this, but he's killing people left and right in this movie. He doesn't care. So, so fuck me, I guess, for caring about this character. One of the other things about this movie is that it's the same movie as three or four of the previous movies. It's kind of more shoved through, like one night.

By the same token, we have to go to the evil family, like Owen Shaw's evil family. Yes, yes. And this evil family is John Cena and a, like, a, like, like gay European billionaire Nepo baby who speaks entirely in Reddit. He's like meant to be the son of the head of state of country. They never say which one, but it's like strongly implied to be like Vladimir Putin's son, basically.

Also, they have a big guy, they have a Mighty Joe, and they have cipher here in the Hannibal Lecter, Mr. Silver Bond's transparent box inside a laser cage. Maginot Prison. Yeah. She's in the Magneto Joker, Mr. Silver Bond prison. Yeah. I can't stress enough.

The haircut at this point now looks a bit like... It looks like medieval Karen. It's kind of like... It's wild. Asking to see the feudal manager. Yeah. Yeah. But so...

Can I speak to the Leege Lord, please? But so she gets a bit racist with it. I am the Leisure, man. You, you the audience might be wondering, if John Sina is, is Vin Diesel's brother, why is he white? But you might be thinking... That's one of the big questions, I would say, about this guy. I maybe wouldn't voice that objection, because I don't necessarily know how to express it sensitively. I, as the movie, would not feel so nervous about it that I need to put it in the mouth of at least two characters.

Yeah, Charlie Sauron looks at him and goes... It didn't occur to me, actually. Yeah, it goes, I didn't know the Torresso's had a Nordic strain, which... Fucking Skyrim ass, what? I would genuinely sooner that they just hold me... Oh yeah, John Cena's Dominican. Like, I don't... Partially, because I don't give a fuck anymore.

Yeah, I don't care if he was. I don't give a fuck. I just don't care. She's like, you're definitely a Torado, but I didn't know if he had Nordic in there. It's like... Also, she's like, you have the same chin as your brother. And I'm like, that's a really dumb thing to say where we're going to see them standing next to each other all on this movie. It'd be like, that's not the same chin at all.

Wow, you guys are definitely brothers. It's like, no, they are. Shut up. But like, it's fine. You could be adopted. They couldn't be half brothers? What are you? She runs the exact same thing as the girl from Hobbs and Shore, where she's like, oh, I'm fucking super smart.

And I'm going to, I'm Hannibal Lecter. And also, you're like weirdly insecure about your brother. Yeah, she says a bunch of, she says a bunch of, which is almost like verbatim quotes from my therapist where she's like you've lived your whole life in the shadow of your older brother and it's like really defined your personality and you feel a need to prove yourself because of your older brother and how great he is and I'm just like I don't know stop saying this shit I get the shit in my fucking in the rest of my life I don't need it here at my entertainment as well like okay I get I'm so glad I'm not my brother's like

and what do you want to do about it just stop it's the basis of my whole transition I've got to take over the world anyway like you know if I can help me with that or get out of the way what am I paying you for I love how much this podcast is free therapy for us. Wait is this, I'm asking, I'm constantly asking my therapist where the second half of the McGuffin is. You gotta tell me. I'm trying to build a device.

I sometimes get asked whether or not I ever go to therapy by, you know, various courts. And I'm like, no, because I do it here for free, essentially. Yeah. I already put it out on the airwaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Where's the second half of the fucking shit? And she's like, it's in Edinburgh. Go to Edinburgh.

You've got a tax break for film. It's in next location. So we go back to, we go like to Good Family, who found a hideout in the Caspian for some fucking reason. Yeah, Mr. Nobody's secret hideout in the Casper. The fucking under Rift and Sewers thing from Skyrim. It's so crazy that fucking, that Mr. Nobody is just like fine, by the way. Like he's still, not a twist villain.

He's just, just an evil guy, but he's like, fine. He's cool. He's fine, he's cool. Also, we never find out whether he's dead or not. Like, they don't rescue him at any point. Maybe they didn't know. Maybe they weren't sure. We get the only other interesting thing in this movie, right?

Which is a kind of subplot I like to call. Roman Pierce contends with destiny itself. This is almost an interesting use of Roman Pierce. It is because I think if you're doing a movie like this, where it's the 10th installment and no one has been killed, right? apart from Galgado, who we don't care about, and we've never even seen a body anything. And a bunch of people... Han was killed.

Han was killed. You gotta remember Han was killed. Yeah, for sure. Get attached, for sure. And completely unrelatedly, a bunch of people we thought were dead have come back, right? You could start getting in your head about this, right? An interesting thing to do with this action thing would be to have your characters kind of realize that they're in an action movie.

And Roman flirts with this for a second because he's like, I've had... I've just had like the army, like an actual army just shoot at me and I'm fine. Like I'm completely fine. There's not even like a scratch. Yeah, I'm fine. I have a scar. Maybe I have like some kind of like narrative like plot armor going on. Like maybe I just can't fucking die.

And that's an interesting question to raise. Maybe a slightly horrifying one and it leads to all sorts of philosophical things. Also, the way to conclude that would have been to kill a different character in this one. The way to do it would have been to kill Ludacris. Or wouldn't it be so fucking good? Like, Ludacris or Ramsey or just like suddenly violently done? And then have to have role and deal with that. That would have been great.

And then, oh, wow, I guess we aren't immortal. It's so weird that none of us have died doing this that we care about, apart from woman. Like, it's... Well, they've all handled the amulet at this stage. So, like, they're fine. They're all fine forever. It's going to get really weird in 50 years' time when none of them have died and they're all being like, actually what's happening, like legitimately.

I have no mouth and I must drive? Yeah. They took the V-1, yeah. The sun is exploding. Ludacris is still fucking here somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Floating in the fucking void. Yeah.

It's just amazing. He's got a God respect ludicrous for holding on. Immortality is a curse. You should know this, right? Like, this is an interesting thing. But so, yeah, Mia comes out of mom requirement, while Brian is taking care of. while Brian is taking care of the kids. She's like, I'm going to be in the movie.

Yes, I respect it. She's like, I'm canonically your sister, which makes this guy my fucking brother too, so I have to be in the movie still. You have to put me in the movie. You have to put me in the movie. That's the guy who died. I'm still alive. I still need to eat.

Put me in the fucking movie. I had also forgotten that logically by the transitive property, John Cena would be her brother as well. And it's helpful to me at this point legitimately that she just says that. She goes, by the way. He's my brother. And I kept looking for him after you told him the fuck off. Yeah, it's like, don't worry about the kids.

My kids and yours are in the safest hands possible. A Lego peed fire. The Lego feedifier. They're in the yellow claws of a Lego pedophile. Also, this point, Ramsey explains what the Mcuffin is. It can control any technology on Earth and turn into a weapon. Just pick them up before they turn 13. You need both halves of the thing, and then a spruce

special key and Han is connected to the key somehow. Cool. Whatever. Yeah, it's called the Aries device, like Ares like the Ram Zodiac sign. You already had that in Wonder Woman, but whatever. It's a device, you've got two hards. If you put it together, you can compute a harder than anyone ever has. Yeah, boom.

Yeah, cool. Yeah. Okay, fine. Cool. Meanwhile, back in 9 and 89, Dom is in prison and meets Leo and Santos, the two Spanish speaking guys. I don't want to see this. I don't want Leo and Santos origins.

I don't want to know how they met. They begin to suspect that Jacob may have sabotaged the car. They do. I have a question. I have a question. So, like, Dom has a blessed amulet. And Jacob has a blessed amulet. Does Dad Teresa just, like, not love his daughter?

Because not only is she not at the race, but also she never has a blessed amylet. Blessed Amulet. So I don't know if that's... We see flashback young Mia in the following scene, actually. She doesn't have one then. Because when young Dom gets out of prison, he goes to a street race. Young Mia, young Letty and young Jesse are there. Welcome back to the franchise. Jesse. My beloved little fucking twinklet is back. Yes. Hey. And young Vince as well. Yeah. We have we have cast. That means we have casting for the whole original like crew, which means I'm

sure we'll see like a prequel any day now. It's getting, they're fucking cooking it for sure. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. But I will say, here's what I will say, this would be where they'd put the meat market shots in. Yeah.

They don't. They refuse to do. Woke finally got them. Everyone's wearing big baggy jeans in these fucking shots now. Everyone's kind of dressed normal. Their asses look so much better than if they were out. People are dancing and they're having a good time, but they're just dressed normal. I'm like, you did it!

We did it! We did it! We did it, Reddit. It took 10, 10 movies. But they... And it's gonna get better, maybe. It's gonna get even more feminist in a few scenes time. Like, Anita's fuck easy and giving this movie two thumbs up.

Like, no, probably not. I was on my knees at this point. I was near crying. I was like, are we gonna get an emotionally charged street race in my fucking fast and furious movie? We are! Is it gonna happen? Do comparing the meat market shot with the lack of meat market shot in this one and being like Los Angeles before the Islamic...

Revolution. Anyway, so... Inshallah. He meets young Jake, and he's like, I know what you did last summer, right? You killed our dad. I am going to challenge you to an emotionally charged street race about this. Like from living your life a quarter mile at a time. And if you win, you can just come back and we'll all be a family together.

But if I win, you do not stop. stop your car after the race, you keep driving, and I never want to see you again as long as I live. Cool. And we see, they do the street race. We do NOS again, if we remember this is a real NOS. Yeah, yeah, they do the NOS, they do the classic, oh, he did his NOS slightly too early, dickhead. And we reveal what the BDS in the BDS Dodge Charger stands for, which is, Brother deported

speedily, because he just exiles his brother from LA County. He does. He does. Brother spits his nose too early and he coldly just starts his. Tate's over. Jacob fucking goes, no!

And just keeps driving. That's it. Wow. Wow. Dom Toreto, the Avatar of Family, turned his back on his brother when he needed him the most.

Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. This in the moment he truly became Jacob Toreto. Didn't even stop and check in whether he really actually did kill their dad. He's just, no,

just get out. Yeah, no. Yeah. He uses Jacob's inability to, like, stand up for himself as, Ruth that he did it, which younger brother, everybody knows that he's gonna be able to stand up himself so easily.

Yeah. I also will say, this is soundtracked by a remix, like a sample of Breathe by Prodigy. You fucked up, don't do that, because when I heard the music start coming out, I was like, holy fuck, it's breathed by Prodigy, and then it wasn't, it was some cunt rapping. Yeah, that's rapping. I mean, we know that Rap Rock is the most noble way of expressing your feelings, but in this case... It is.

Living my life, a quarter mile at a time. So... About exile, my brother. In the future, Dom has to go and confront. I forget his fucking name. I called him baseball capman in the thing. Oh, yeah, he goes to ask the mechanic. He's like, he's like, what's next location?

And the mechanic's like, it's London. It's Michael Rooker. He was there because he was their mechanic and kind of raised Jacob after Don told him to fuck off, which is crazy because that guy was like 24 when he was told to fuck off. So I don't know how much more raising was left. He offers Dom a corona of regret. And Dom doesn't drink it. He doesn't drink it.

He doesn't even drink his refreshing Corona. He's so determined. That's crazy. So they split up, right? Dom's going to London. Letty and Mia are going to Tokyo. For some reason, Tess Roman and Ramsey are going to Cologne. Not sure why, but whatever.

So the gangs all split up. They lump Teg Roman and Ramsey together too much. Yeah, yeah, that's not great. So we go to, I think we go to Tokyo first. Yeah, we do Tokyo first. first and there's, we've got, okay, all right, we got a scene and it's just Lettie and Mia. Can we fucking land it? Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Because they go to Hans old shop, which we remember was in the back of a nightclub, in the back of a karaoke bar.

They do have a chat. Before they do, they do have a chat. And the thing that I love about this is that they're meant to be eating ramen. And it is, that's not yet. Essentially, that's not yet. That's not yet. It is. Yeah. They do, no, they have the chat and then they see the fly. Okay, yeah. But that's later. But that's later. First they go to Hans Old Shop, which is in back of a nightclub, which is in back of a karaoke bar.

And we have this scene where they're like, how did Mr. Nobody know Han? And then it's like, eh, fucking Giselle was in Mossad. Whatever. Fuck it. Okay. Oh my God. Yeah.

Okay. We'll talk about this here. Because there's a bit where Mr. Nobody says something like, when I was running the Central American drug trade. Yeah. Good times. When I was running the Native American,

That's not right. When I was running South American I was running running the Native American drug trade was a different CIA department when I was running the South American drug trade as part of the CIA

Giselle was helping me because it was a joint massage CIA operation She was my best agent and it's like oh cool that's the good guys by the way that's also crazy that this is one of those things

where it's like this can have been a conspiracy theory for like 70 years years and then it gets put in fast nine. Fast. Yeah. I'm just like, oh, the CIA was trafficking cocaine in order to start the crack epidemic and fund the fucking contras.

People used to get killed for saying that shit. Anyway. Yeah, it's been long enough now, but you can be like, yeah, we did that. It's fine. Then they have a chat. And what we get is a kind of staring, a staring contest between two actresses to see how long they can make it before having to use chopsticks on camera. be filmed eating anything. Like, it's good for her.

Yeah. Yeah. Just stirring it. They're both stuff. They're just stirring the box. It's so good. It's really funny. I think Mia loses this one by eating a single radish with the champsticks.

It's really good. Good for you. Good for you. They see a Mexican flag hanging up in a wind. Not yet. They don't. God, damn it. In this scene, Mia says, oh yeah, I stayed in touch with Jacob for a little while.

Yeah, it's like, oh, that's crazy. And then, then. Then she says, she says to Lettie, how are you feeling? And we get Beckdel test pass, maybe. We did it. We did it. We didn't. We're talking to each other about something.

We fucking did it. Oh my God. Feminism, final victory. 20 hours of film. It's like three sentences. She spends exactly three sentences talking about herself and being like, the action legitimately is the juice for me before she talks about her, her like adoptive son, Brian.

And it's like, okay, fine. But like, that counts. We count it. For a beautiful moment there. Women are people. Woo, they have interdality. Going to your therapist and being like, yeah, I think for my mom, the action really was the juice.

I think my mom was kind of like a wain grow. My mom was kind of a wain grow. My mom had wain grow personality disorder. It's found in the wilderness and raised by waincrows. Yeah, my mum was big into the heisting scene. I had, she gave him like, Wayne Groh by proxy. This is just one battle after another. Anyway, that is just flatly true.

That is one battle after another. Shit, you're so right. All right, moving on. If I had to summarize that movie in a, in a sentence, it's my mom had Waingroe disorder. Oh, I, I, I, I def- They see a Mexican flag. They see a Mexican flag, and they go,

oh, Han always said that Tokyo was his. It's Mexico. Yeah. Do you not think maybe a Mexico guy could just be living there? No, they find the only- Yeah, that has to be Han. Okay. The only Mexican flag in Tokyo.

I guess it was overlooking his favorite ramen shop or something, who gives a- Yeah. Come on. Yeah. They have a long fight scene. Or do we cut to- We do the rocket thing first. Yeah.

Well, let's do the rocket thing, because we cut to- We cut to what we're told in titles is the Yain jet propulsion test site, which is an interesting name, right? I know they just made it up for the movie, but I cannot but attribute that to Sigmund Yain, the only East German cosmonaut, and therefore I'm forced to conclude that in the Fast and Furious timeline, Germany was reunified by East Germany. Yes, I'm willing to believe that. Canon. That's all of these communists. Write it down. If you're listening to this right now, that's canon. and that's going in with that immediately plugging that straight into the hallucination layer. You're right.

Great. Fantastic. Oh, my God. That means the rock killed like 50 volts per lit side with a magnet in like a couple of minutes. Anyway. Also, Hedwig in the Angry Inch never happened. Wait, no, it did happen. It did happen. Because she went east.

Great. Perfect. Also, we see Lucas Black twink. Yes. Oh, all from Tokyo drift. Looking old. Yeah. The roughest 23-year-old I've ever seen.

in my life. This is something that I say every day looking in the mirror. Twink is old now. It's crazy. Twink. I did not recognize him at first. Well, the other thing is, as he's confronted, we find out that he stopped going by Twink. He experienced Twink death.

Presumably, he goes by Twunk now or something. Well, this is also the closest I think the franchise comes to acknowledging the existence of gay people, because, like, Tersian Roman made fun of him. They're like, you used to be called Twink, and he's like, I don't get called that anymore. It's like, okay, so we're acknowledging that's a funny thing to call some... Like... Yeah. Don't acknowledge homosexuality in these movies.

That's for the fourth rail. It keeps the tension alive. Lucas Black is trying to honour Charlie Kirk, because he has built an entire car just to carry the flame. He has taken... It's so good. He's taken a Pontiac Fiero and put a rocket engine on it, and they're racing it against a fighter jet. But the fighter jet is a MiG-15. Look up what the NACA reporting name is for that.

It's a good time. But also, that's a Soviet. This is East Germany, Fast and Furious, Germany's communist. It's communist here. Okay, cool. Not entirely sure why Tess Roman and Ramsey went to see him, but all right. I tell this guy to head on down a fat book. Yeah.

In London. Yeah, they go to see him and they're like, okay, they go, we need some wheels. And the guys go, all right, well, the fucking Honda dealership's like 300 miles that way. I don't know what the hell you're here. And they go, Dom Torreto centers. And they play the like Marvel music. Bam tarretto. And then they undercut it because one of them goes, who's Dom Terretto?

And that's also Marvel shit. That's Marvel again. Like, you're just, it's formulaic. I'm going to kill you. In London, we go to Boodles. And Ellen fucking Mirren. There's a fancy party taking. place with brittles, it would have been really funny to have the meat market shots here.

They should have done it. Just got it across the ass with it. Just look everyone in brudles with their midrifts out. It would have been really fucking funny. Fuck. Oh, that would have been so... Ellen fucking Miron. Ellen fucking Miron. She's been on the rob. She's been rob in this place. And meet Dom. They get to do a scene together. Good for them. Yeah, this is good. Like, finally getting to do a scene with the guy who runs your like D&D campaign. It's nice.

Yeah, they actually had the money that they could film in London instead of Glasgow for London now. So we get like a chase sequence, we get my favorite gender, sad cop-siren, when a cock covers damage. Helen Mirren jumps in a purple McLaren and it's like tearing shit up and it's like a funny gag because she drives fast. Notably, she also says, you're looking for one of my sons, acknowledging finally the second son.

He's back in the good graces. White Cymrie. They're the biggest party in Wales. He's back. She knows which way the fucking winds are blowing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the problem is that like, Deccad is 100% a reform voter, right? So she only respects...

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. So, like, that's the modern political split in the Shaw family, is the daughter is green, Deccad is reform, Owen is plied, and... Yeah. So they shouldn't have ever sent Owen off to the, like, fucking Orphanarium for evil brothers. brothers. They did the same thing to Jacob in this movie, actually. Yeah, for real. So she genuinely has to get through.

That's where I went to school as well. She has to get through a scene being like, oh, you had a secret evil brother without acknowledging the plot point that she also had a son who had a secret evil brother? Yeah. Look, if I have two sons, I really hope one of them gets to be the secret evil son. That sounds great. That sounds like a good time, actually. Yeah. When I transition, my brother's had to flip a coin. You've got to dedicate one as well. You've got to choose which one to send off to to the orphanarium for evil brothers.

It was difficult for me because my parents were kind of unconventional with it and that they sent me to the secret evil brother orphanarium even though I didn't have any siblings. So I'm just kind of out there looking for revenge, but I'm not really clear about like who. I'm the author of someone's pain. Yeah, I'm not sure who. I've been authoring pain all over the shop, but to be honest, it's kind of... I've been authoring pain left right and center. I offered it remotely. The pain is more of a to whom it may concern at this point.

Like, I don't even know. I'm trying to disrespect the author of My Pain used AI to write it, because a lot of it's bollocks. So she's like, oh yeah, you've got to go to next location. Yeah, Edinburgh. Yeah. This is kind of cute. She's like, oh, yeah, some guy did show up and buy a bunch of weapons off of a beautiful local seller. He's like, was it you?

And she's like, look, I mean. A shadowy Ellen Mirren shaped informant. Got to do what you got to do. And she drops him off at the hideout. Next location. It's a big mansion, there's a party going on. There's dancers who are like sexy, but it's, yeah, it's like body con dresses rather than TNA, and I'm like, okay.

It's sort of like an echo of the meat market. It's like the meat market with the sort of suppressor screwed onto the muzzle. It's odd, right? Because they do need for plot for this to be like, sexy women. There's sexy women here, but yeah, but they just don't, I don't know, it's odd. It feels like I can sand it off. Instead, we spend the time on a cameo from Cardi B. Oh, that comes later, we'll get to that, and I'm going to shoot myself when we do.

We roll up and Otto, the Eurochaser from Lovely Lady RPG, is there being like, here's my backstory, by the way, my dad is a dictator, I've got infinite money, I own all of this shit, and Dom's like, okay, where's Jacob? I didn't ask. Yeah. So he takes him to see his brother, and if they want to be doing Bond, so... Oh God, yeah, it's so, oh my God, it's so, um, no time to die. It's crazy.

It's all just like lush lighting and like slowly pulling through his thing. And I will say, John Sina does great. We remember fucking Christoph was, was Bond's evil brother? Yeah. John Sina does great as fake Bond. Like, he does. He's like, I was the author of all your pain. Turns out I was the author of all your pain.

Yeah, crazy, right? And then when Dom pulls a gun on him, Otto is like, Guess what? Here's two things that aren't how this works. Because... Yeah, guess what? My dad's ahead of state. This is an embassy.

No, it's not. So, that means that what you just did was storming into my country and trying to kidnap someone. So I got my boys from NATO here and a bunch of NATO guys all coming in. It's Interpol. It's like, Interpol, guys. Because like normal cops aren't cool enough to arrest Dom. Yeah. Guess what, fuck, Ed.

This is a church. I consecrated it just before you walked in. you walked in. Now you're going to hell. Concentrated that shit before I walked in the DeBurnacle. So. So, then he gets taken away by the guys. Yeah, but then they take off their mask and it turns out

because he did run into Cardi B outside the party and then she takes off her helmet. It's Cardi B again. And then all the people, it's all the sexy ladies who are dancing. She's like, we all work for Helen Miron. Also, Connie B is playing herself, by the way. She's not playing a character, she's just herself. This is the second all-girl

tactical unit in this universe, but the first one was, I guess, busy, so... Oh, yeah, you're right. They just have them, I guess. Yeah. They just, this is a world, this is a world in which

Germany is unified under the banner of communism and there are like all-girl tactical units just fucking zip-tying people. I think I may have hallucinated this one. Like, I don't know. It's gone past the John Wick event horizon, hasn't it? Between, like, it's like what happens in John Wick in between the second and third movies where it goes from being a, like, plausibly undercover secret world to being

everyone in the world is a spy now. Everyone in the world is a spy now in Fast and Furious. We will show the John Wick movies in good time. That's the longest movie I'm ever going to ask you to watch. Cardi B even says, like, if it weren't for you, Dom Torreto, I'd still be stealing. gas in the Dominican Republic, which like, okay, I don't know, that's a weird back to imply that, like, Dom Toreno gave Cardi B her music career, but okay, okay. No, that's canon, yeah, she definitely did. All of these girls also are models, fairly clearly, I'd say, because they look like models, and so what you have, like, a truck

full of bored models hanging out in tactical gear, which, again, is sort of what it would look like at mine if I won the lottery. Like, there would be signs. Yeah, yeah, just hanging out, you know. Yeah. Not saying or doing anything. Good for her. You know what, Cardi B? If you fucking try, you can be in this series 10 movies from now. If you genuinely dig your heels in.

Ludacris did it. You can do it. The other thing she does is she gives Dom Toreto a gun, which has Jacob's fingerprints on it. This will be important in two seeds time where we do some bullshit with that. I fully don't remember this. So we go back to Japan again. Here we go. Mia and Lettie have done some breaking and end.

entering on this flat with a Mexican flag. Cool. Yeah. Here's my problem. If you have a scene that's got two women in it, like, that's, you could break the Bechdale test there. Good work. Go right for you. If you have a scene with three women in it and it's all of your women, I know that you've

just been like, let's do a woman plot. Yeah. It's like, let's make them do a woman mission over here. When they talk about female only spaces for women and girls, right? What they mean is the C plot of Fast 9. It would just be so simple to swap them over. Because as they're breaking in. Some goons follow them in. They have to fight the goons.

Letty gets kind of a fight scene. It's kind of... Mia gets to fight. NUMBER does some fighting! Mia is a character in the movie. We did it. They do something that would have been charming eight movies ago, where she's reaching to fight a guy in the kitchen and she hits him with the first thing she can find, which is a ladle and she gets a little reaction shot off of that.

Indiana Jones style, then hits him with a frying pan. It's kind of cute. And then this teenage girl also appears and kicks ass. This is Elle. Her name is L. I didn't write a single note about her. She's not important. She does like kick ass in a marvel way.

She's not important. Yeah, personally. Yeah. And then as they're escaping, right, like a sniper starts shooting goons. And I go, oh, they made Hahn Garis Vicarian Mass Effect too. They fucking did. Cool. And it's Han.

And it's hard. And he's alive. And I wrote, and with that, Frank Transporter has been entirely redeemed. Every misdeed from his backstory has been shown to have not happened. I wish that we, I wish that the mid-credit scene did not cut away, because I actually genuinely wanted to see what he was going to say when they came face to face again, but it returned him to innocence. He's great. He's been lying. All right, Sunshine, just went back to my hometown. It's the same.

Just got in the same river. No problem. It's the same, so am I. It's the same, so am I. It's different. Hawn is alive. It's crazy. Cool. He's got, he doesn't have the like, scene hair anymore.

He's got like normal adult hair, which happens to all of us in the end. It's really brutal. Grow the scene hair right now. Yeah. I know. So everybody but the girls converges on Edinburgh Castle where the bad guys, yeah. The bad guys are already heisting the second half of the Muguffin. John Cena's ziplining around Edinburgh like it's fucking attack on Titan.

It's crazy. How long is the fucking zip line? I don't know. He's just here for the zip line. Yeah. Nobody's like, who the f is that John Cedar ziplining around Edinburgh? They're like, he's not on either roads, and there's a bit where he goes, Don goes like, he's not using roads.

And we just see him ziplining. Yeah, it's like attack on Titan, yeah. I have a long, long laundry list of things to say about the Edinburgh scene, starting with the fact that in the establishing shot, they have to speed up the trains coming into Waverly to make them look less shit. Yeah, that's funny. That's so funny. They're tracking John Sena's location using his biometric signature, which is bollocks. That's what the gun was for? Yeah, bollocks.

Yeah. They're like heisting the other half of the Power Cube using two guys disguised as delivery drivers. But they don't know that. And so what kind of functionally happens is that Roman is in Britain for 10 minutes, and then the sort of ambient airborne desire to attack delivery drivers just seizes him. That's very real. That's real. That's real.

DPD, kill him, right? Like, sorry you were out. I'll kill you. Yeah. Every more like, never. None. None. Just like, this is a man who has not been radicalized by a ring doorbell footage of his parcel

of like porcelain being thrown over his garden fence, but instead just like picks up on the vibes here. DPD definitive personnel destruction. He does also describe this as Where's Waldo in Harry Potter World? Which I think may be giving J.K. Rowling too much credit for her influence over Edinburgh. Although, to be fair, kind of bit, DeRoll Marley is Harry Potter World.

The reason he spots these henchmen is that they have cauliflower ears and he's like, they must fight a lot. And it's like, you are in Scotland, man. Like, people play rugby here, you know? It's really good to racially propose. in the area but doesn't know anything about it. He sees two barristers, like, these motherfuckers are out here wearing like George Washington wigs. I don't understand what's happening.

Yeah. We're also sleeping on the sexiest car in the whole movie, which is of course the Police Scotland's Skoda Octavia that's in the background of two thoughts. That's a real man's vehicle. Also, Ramsey, in all the shots of Ramsey, where she's on her fucking laptop, directly behind her in all the shots, is the, is KJB listeners' point of pilgrimage, the Alcove that I stayed in that one night in Edinburgh. The Alcove. Like, that's the Alcove.

Hell yeah. Yeah, minor pilgrimages to... Nice of them to give us a little Rye nod, because we've been really watching these movies. So that's good at them. We put the hours in. We also discover in this sequence that Ludacris is a talented actor, but not a particularly good action format because it's notable that, like, Roman is a much better fighter here. Yeah.

Yeah, they're like fighting guys in the back of the truck. And then in order to chase fucking Otto, Ramsey has to drive the truck. And she doesn't drive, which is cute. She doesn't know how to drive. That's kind of fun. It's also very transgender. Yeah. She's on the phone with Vin Diesel being like, listen, I live in London.

You don't really have to drive when you're in London. It's cute. I never learned it. That's fun, yeah. But so while Vin Diesel is chasing John Cena down the zip line, Ramsey is driving the truck. And because we're actually filming in Edinburgh, we get, like, I get taken out by seeing Las Aguanas.

I did. I did. I did. It's a weirdly lotion of Las Aguanas. There's, like, a Pret. And this is where I finally get to say, in my country, you can get an everyday meal deal at at Pratt for six quid. Gay boy.

Yes. Yeah, we did it. We did it. We'll be in a long time for them to be in Cardiff. I'll tell you that. Yeah, yeah. But in the back of this vehicle is this huge electromagnet set up, and we begin what becomes quite fun over the course of this movie, something I will give it, the electromagnet bullshit,

which starts now and does not end until the end of the movie. It's like they can make cars do impossible things, and they're like pulling stuff through walls and so on. They're pulling shit, yeah. And they use it to, like, disrupt the fucking electronics so that John Cena can steal bunch of shit. It's not, it's not hugely important. Why the goons don't just shoot them because the guns get pulled out of their hands and they have to fight hand

to hands. Yes. At one point, John Sina presses triangle next to a Scottish civilian and we get an ADR line of a man going, That's my carpool! All of the Scottish civilians are so heavily accented. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's really good.

It's what it feels like. Besides the Las Aguanas, there is one Edinburgh detail that as a Scotland resident of many years pleases me, which is Also is driving, right? And he has to pick up John Cena after a fight scene in which he and Vendizel are fighting through my living room for some reason. Yeah, and he misreads the map and is left driving up.

He's just straight too low down. No, literally, Halton Road, which is crossed by Waterloo Place, except the crossing is a bridge there's no access from. A mistake I have made the first time I went to Edinburgh, very pleasing. Yeah, I did write. legitimate Edinburgh moment. I'm being pandered too. Thank you.

Here's, right, okay. Let's say I'll be kind about this one scene, because I'm going to be very mean for the rest of this. This one sequence is really fun and well thought out. And I had a great time watching. It's a fun gimmick, yeah. Yeah, there's moments of cool shit. I love the magna, I love the zip lining.

It was all great. It was really fun. At the end of it, they capture John Cena. Cool. They capture John Cena by using the magnets like pull him through a building. So really cool. Fun. Then they ruin it for me by immediately having Otto do some some fucking movie lines. Yeah, we get some postmodern filmmaking because Otto is trading Star Wars references with

Charlie's Theron in the laser cage. And Charlie's Theron literally says to him, if this was a movie, this would be the point where the villain suffers a minor setback and overcorrects and makes a mistake. And I wrote, well, I mean, I've said it like 15 times so far. If you haven't beeped it, you like, beep it now. Kill yourself right now. Stop making these movies. This is something that could be something because we're dabbling with the kind of postmodern

awareness that you're in a movie that was, it's interesting if Roman Pierce is like, holy shit, I can't die. I'm gonna start testing the limits of this world like episode two of Life on Mars. It's kind of fun, yeah. By the same token, Cypher being the only person who knows that she's in a movie, but instead it's like kind of just, it's weasen-esque, it's annoying. I felt sorry for Shirley's three. on in this scene because she's good action. I'm like, oh, it's not nice to treat actors that way,

to make them say stuff like that. Yeah. But so also it's like, because he gets like epically Sigma owned by her, he's like, I'm gonna do some more references. Higher like Chewbacca and the Millennium Falcon to find John Cena. And this struck me as probably realistic in that if you are a mercenary in this day and age, you probably do end up having to work for a rich guy who's read it. Yeah, almost certainly. Every rich guy's read it now. That's a shame. Or Twitter. Oh, yeah.

Could be worse, yeah. Meanwhile, back at Family HQ in the Caspian. They imprisoned John Cedar. Family HQ. And then Han, Han, Letty and Mia rolls up, so everyone's back together. Also, the kid is here.

Oh, my God. Hans alive. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Almost enough time spurn. And we get this scene with a like, Han, how the fuck are you alive?

And he's like, well, okay, when Galgadur died, I went and I hung out with a bunch of teenagers for a while in Tokyo. which is really weird. And then Mr. Nobody visited, told me that he used to run

the drug trade in Central America with Mossad. Don't worry about that. He got me to steal the Ares technology from some scientists. It was a man from uncle shit. This scientist couple made it. They had a daughter. They immediately got Batmaned by a car bomb

and then goons attacked. So I saved the daughter, raised her as my own, taught her to be a ninja. Her DNA is the key to unlock Aries. And then when Frank Transporter

came to assassinate me, we used that as cover for me to slip away so that no one could ever find Ares. And I'm like, okay, so. That's really good. Frank thought he was killing me

for real. Canonically. That means that Han got two-thirds of the way through the plot of Tokyo Drift and then was like, yeah, I'm done with this, I'm out.

Sooner fake my death than hang out with these teenagers for a second. I'm fucking done. I don't give a shit about anything. He shares owned on Lucas Black I was just like, yeah, you go finish a movie. I'm done.

I just hit the brakes. Yeah. That has got to be the single most retcon scene in television history. Like, every one of these movies has featured at least one, like, new angle of that attack. Like, Ascar exploding. If I were Lucas Black, I would be quite angry at... I would too. At Han.

I was genuinely worried they would spend the entire movie and just not have them ever meet. And they basically don't... Because that would be like... That changed the trajectory of my life. Yeah. Yeah. I'm making fucking rocket cars in liberated East, West Germany right now. I was so stressed out by it that I aged 20 years. I became the Drift King of Tokyo because I thought you died. I did it for you.

I mourned you like Charlie Kirk, you son of a bitch. I'm- I'm-carried your flame. So I'm thinking, right, that like, This is like a really impactful dramatic thing we're setting up for, right? I'm so excited to see this in the movie, to have that confrontation, to have Lucas Black finally pay off, all of the stuff from like the previous movies and really like experience growth and process that grief and that trauma. They don't even fucking tell him. That'll be good. We'll get to that.

They don't even warn him until Han walks in at the end. They don't even be like, by the way, Lucas. or something we've got to tell you, man. It's a surprise. Fuck. Yeah. But so, obviously the mercenaries, the mercenaries find them, right? And they and all of their guns,

they and all of their guns, frowned into the room with the electromagnet. Just fill in the rest of the fucking seeing yourself. So fucking eat it. I really liked that last sequence. And then they had the, like, if this was a movie dialogue, and then they had the thing where Mr. Nobody was like, when I was running the Native American drug trade,

I fucking, yeah. It's so evil. You do not want to know some of the packages Windlefter was carrying for the CIA. Oh my God. Oh, Windleft. It's like, oh, I want to like your movie, but you're just so evil. Like, stop making the movie be evil. Please.

Well, at least Gal Godot is really dead. At this point, Dom, Dom confronts Jacob, and it's like, why, why? Why did you kill our dad? And he says, Yeah. Dad ordered me to sabotage the car so that he could throw the race because we were in debt. I didn't know it was going to explode, but the idea was to throw the race. And mine had to say, I'd have driven slower.

I also would have done that, maybe. Honestly, really good. Yeah. There were easier ways, safer ways to do that. One of the other problems. Sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say, 1.32.06 official time of villain did nothing wrong. Yes.

Yes, thank you. We will begin... Yep. He will be coming into the family from this now. No one can ever have malign motives, ever. He didn't do anything wrong! He didn't do anything wrong. It's another vagina!

Next movie, we're gonna figure out why Seifer was like that. Like, it's just, it's... What is she? Oh, is she? Is she your fucking cousin? It's the fucking crazy. So, so, so... So, so...

So, they use the electromagnet. electromagnet. They fling everybody across the room. John Sina escapes with Oso. And L. Dom has to like hold off the like waves of goons by throwing them into the bottomless pit, the Darth Mall pit. Yeah. He veins a guy. He's killing people in this one. He's killing people.

He bains a guy off. Yeah. Yeah. He bains this guy off. Yeah. He bains this guy off. He kills a bunch of people and then when he is unable to continue defeating them, he pulls the pillars down like Samson on himself. Yes. I also wrote this down. Yeah. And so as he falls to the, it turns out the bottomless pit isn't bottomless.

Like that great text. There's water down there. And as we know, when you're going fast enough water, it acts kind of like a cushion. So he's fine. Yeah. Yeah. What he goes is, he goes to the reverie dimension where he remembers his dad. He experiences a vision using the car force and realizes that everything Jacob just told him is right.

Even the bits that he wasn't there for, he remembers those two. Yeah. Yeah. He kind of goes to his memory palace. He's like working on the car with. his dad and his dad is telling him like, see, Dom, that cars like this Dodge Charger are immortal, like the determination of the Palestinian resistance. Yeah.

They're just, they're going to keep on through the generations. Iconic BDS Dodge Charger origins as well. Now, bear in mind, this is like 1975. So when Jack Torrello says that he stands unequivocally with Palestinian resistance, he's talking about like the PLO. He's talking about Black September. He was like a PFLP guy. He's talking about the Munich Olympic massacre.

He's like, I believe in that. That was the first guy to put like a full like color spray paint art of Leila Khaled on the side of his van. He was locked in with Jack Tarota. He was about that shit. Yeah. Meanwhile Jacob, Jacob's hanging out with Hillary Clinton. Yeah.

And finally, Letty comes into his memory palace and hits him with a mercy overwatch, you know, and rescues him. Yeah. He's like, oh, I remember my dad actually was in debt. And I did, I did hear him say Jacob now just before I came over him on that fateful day. And I did see him sabotage the engine even though I wasn't standing there and didn't have that angle on it.

I remembered it very close up, actually. Really weird. 4K. It's all animus shit. And he's like, oh, no, I turned my back on Fambly just when it needed me the most. This is like Don Torreto's original sin. They're trying to cast it as well.

Cool. So now we've got to go to Georgia. Yeah, because we figure out that in order to activate, they've got all the pieces of the thing now, but in order to activate it, they're going to have to launch a pirate satellite, right? So we're going to have to stop them on the ground and retrieve the orb and L.

And someone's going to have to go into space to stop the satellite. But in order to do that, we'd need some kind of rocket. Some kind of car with some kind of Pontiac Fierro with a fucking jet engine that touched him. I wonder if anyone racist has one of those. Oh, I got someone on the Rolodex, actually.

Let's hell on out to fucking liberated West Germany. So they do. They do. They fully just launch Roman and Tej and Tej and Tej and Roman into space. They shoot Tej and Roman into space. There is a shot where Roman is looking out over the beautiful blue marble and like coming to tones with his place in the universe. And I don't know, maybe the whole movie franchise was worth it just to get that shot.

I think so. It's very, very fun. It's really fucking good. This is a good time for Roman to have that existential crisis. racist, right? Yeah. Maybe, am I immortal? Like, you could just, I just pop the door right now.

I wouldn't die. Something would happen to me, right? Like, um... He's doing William Shatner mode in space. Yeah, meanwhile, because Georgia won the who can give Fast 9 the biggest tax break thing, we are in Georgia, we're into Blyssie, where they are launching the satellite into space, and also doing at least three of the earlier movies. You know how in every other fast night?

Fast and Furious movie. It's like, we got the bad guys in like an armored truck command center and like one of the crew have been captured and is in the back of it. There are a bunch of like evil black BMWs escorting it. You're telling me there's an articulated computers lorry in this sequence. That's fucking crazy. I remember that from the other eight movies. The truck, enemy of the carman.

Oh. Yeah. An enemy of the- Yeah. At one point, Mia attacks the driver of one of the trucks. Mia owns herself a technical cronstein. So does Han. Han also.

Yeah. The family attack and their cars have electro-magnets in. So it's quite inventive the way they can like, also the magnets can also repel metal, which I don't think you can do that. Functionally, this is car-bending. Yeah, they do car, they use the car force and car-bend, yeah. Yeah, electro-magnets. Okay, fine, whatever.

The last car-bend? How do they work? They work like this, whatever. Who cares? Maybe. It's like this movie takes place. the universe where this is how magnets work. Fine. The way they defeat the Mighty Joe, the guy who doesn't even get a Mr.

surname named. Doesn't get a line. Is just by like putting, like, fucking him, attaching him to the door with the electromagnet of the truck and forcing him out in a way that pulls the pin on the grenade that's in his vest. And he does perfectly hit the Steve Harvey when he finds out the plasma grenade on his knee cannot be disarmed, react. Um sorry

that's not the mighty joe though they are doing some crazy shit with fucking cars in this don't does something incredible with the magnets there's a bit where by the way they all betray

Jacob anyway so he doesn't even has to like break with them they just like on the team's call with the bad guys is like by the way we put Charlie Theron

and her dofy ass haircut in charge and she said computers computers say that you got to betray Jacob because family is all in your

brain's more And then Mighty Joe fights Jacob on top of a truck and then Dom has to save him. Yeah. And they have to rescue John Cena and like they, both Mia and Dom independently, like, trust him to like get in a car. Yeah. They save him by like spinning a car round and it like catches him falling and delivers him at Mia. It's ridiculous. It's fucking magic at a stage.

This is a hundred percent the bit that opens white noise about the joy and optimism of the car crash in American movies. Like a little bit though, right? So they rescue John Cena and he immediately plugs... There is a bit that I like, which is where the bad guys open fire and there are civilians in the way and Dom heroically positions his car between the bad guys in the civilians. I'm like, that is a moment of actual heroism. You have like... It's anti-violence, and he did it with a car.

Good, nice, we like it. So John Cena plugs nearest zip line into his car's GPS and books it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Mia forgives John Cena. Also, there's nothing to forgive. The way they do this is by doing the drive-in step from Too Fast, Too Furious. They do, yeah. The very meaningful looks while you're driving.

And then in order to destroy the truck, they have to, because this is a wrestling movie, suplex the truck. Yeah, they do. They can't do it until suddenly John Sina comes back and helps them do it. No one's fast stuff. John Siena. Chabababoo, da-da-da-da-da-da. Magnus, your timer's up.

Flip the car, yeah, okay. And it's fine, it's fine. Cool, great. Shall we talk about the fellas in space? Yeah, in space. The big timer towards bad is ticking up. Yeah. Because Roman...

The orb is growing green. Yeah, Roman is like, I don't need your science. I drive. So I'm gonna drive us to the satellite, which he does. And then when, when Trey, measures tech fails them. He has his crisis, right? Where he's like, well, no, we're not invincible.

Yeah, maybe we're not invincible. Die at any time and we've just been lucky and this is kind of crazy and maybe we have to do something where we won't survive and this is... May, wouldn't it be really good if they had like just like sacrifice their fucking line? What if we just died? And the movie is begging me to care at this point. Or if Roder survives a...

If Roman had survived and ludicrous had been killed by Roman's decision, wouldn't that be interesting? They've got me locked into like an ECG. They're monitoring me. They're going, we could kill ludicrous right now. We might kill him and there's nothing. There's not a spark happening.

Yeah. Do it. Do it. Kill him right now. It would have been good. Like you could next film, Roman could have been on a pacifist arc because he's understood the importance of human life

and now his decisions can kill people. Yeah. No, no, they don't. They both survive. They destroy the satellite. They're both fine. They run it over. There's a bit where Lucas Black.

That goes altitude, and I thought that was really good, but that was the best part of the scene. But then, Cyphe appears in the stealth jet to steal Ares with a big magnet, so Domney presses triangle on the big truck and then throws it at her, and destroys the plane. He has to become the truck driver for a second, right? He does, yeah. Because the new enemy is plain, which is like, you know, even greater foe than truck. Evil, evil stealth plane. Yeah.

Yeah. He does throw the truck at her, and we get a brief thing that makes you think, like, again, it's trying to get your attention like, oh, we just killed Charlize Theron. Oh, maybe Charlize Theron. Can you care about that? That last a shot before they reveal. Yeah. Yeah.

If you die in Microsoft flight simulator, you don't die in real life. She was in a, it was a drone. She was in an arcade, video arcade operating. Oh, that's fine. She's the drones woman. That's fine. So she walks away so she can be the villain in her later. one if they pay more money.

She wants to wait sure she can do exactly this in the next one. I can't wait to see how the villain in the next one didn't do anything wrong and then fucking Sipher takes over. Vita villain. Great. Awesome. I support actresses getting the bag. Well done.

Charlie's their own. Get that check. I hope your haircut is even more fuck out than the next one. I hope you have the worst shit ever. I have horrible news. I've checked and it's normal. They just give her a side shave. They just give her a side shave.

She looks pretty good. We've got John Cena suicide car to look forward to. I wanted to see Shirley's The Run in like with like the like the Don King white Afro. God, yeah. Like something like a ponytail with nothing else like it's attached just at the ponytail. God yeah. But yeah. Give me a skullet.

Alas, by the way, Otto, the Euro pervert he dies in when she hits the car, maybe. Yeah, what the fuck happens to him? Oh, okay, does he die? Okay, cool. No, he doesn't. Oh, is it hit that him at the end? I was a post credit scene that's weirdly horny about that. I wasn't sure if that was him or not.

That was him. Oh, okay. Don't worry. I'll explain everything. Okay, anyway. In space, on the International Space Station. Yeah. Oh, zoos a law.

They see Roman and Tage floating in space and they go to rescue them. We get two lines from the astronauts in the ISS, one of which is funny, where one of them goes, is that a Pontiac Fieri? That's quite funny. That's a funny line. That's a funny line. Leave it there. Instead, one of the other guy, they see, they come. out, they're wearing like, um, yellow space suits that expand a little bit because of the air pressure

differential. And this French last, she goes, why do they look like, minions? That's great. That's amazing. That's really fucking funny, man. That's so cool. So now, now we have to do our kind of like court ordered barbecue where everybody has to, we finally...

We gotta do the Mass Effect party at the end. We have to every fucking movie. This is when Han walks in and Lucas Black is like, what? What the fuck? My whole life is found life. I'm alone for you. You were my brother. It's like, how are you alive?

I thought you died. And Hans, like, it's a long story. Also, wow, dude, you look way older. You look fucking haggard, bro. Yeah, shit. Sorry, it's been a while, hasn't it? Yeah. Guess I haven't seen you in 500 years.

It must have taken my death really hard. Sorry, I didn't say anything to you. They, yeah, no, it's, it's, boom. Because this is the buckets to catch any interactions they forgot to do in the movie. Like maybe Han meeting the guy who was his protege and had thought he died. Also, weirdly, Santos, one of the Spanish-speaking guys is here and Leo isn't. So I'm like, did he, did that actor get cancelled?

Is he also dead? What happened there? Yeah, I didn't look at it. Maybe he also has beef with well. We sprinkle some Christianity over this because... We love to, yeah. It's like, little Brian, your mom is in Brazilian heaven. But you are old enough now to say grace, which in a final victory for Protestantism is just what's in your heart, you know?

Just say whatever. Letty carries Little Brian. I'm like, no, no, Michelle Rodriguez, put him down. Put it down. It's a trap. Letty carries him, but specifically goes, your mother when talking to him. Your mother would be proud of you. It's like, that's where I first met your mother.

And it's really funny because it is where she first met your mother at the fucking barbecue at the end of a movie. Yeah. Because they just did the same scene where they just soared all the relationships they had done. Your mother, who is not me, by the way, I don't give a shit about you. Your mother, not me.

I don't give a fuck about you. The longer it goes, the weirder it gets not to have killed off Brian, Big Brian, because they leave a chair for him like Elijah. And before they can say, Grace, they're like, oh, he's on his way and his iconic. but unlike Elijah. Skyline.

Yeah. His iconic skyline rocks up. Yeah. The prominent Elijah is like,onic Nissan Skyline. Oh, shit. Also made of Lego for some reason. People don't remember that Elijah was Jerusalem drift king for a few years? Yeah, he was, he was, yeah.

Who do you think gave Don the Amulet? Let us write this, please, that's all I want. So fucking, Hollywood, humour, S&LUK, whoever it is that does this now. Let us write this. Yeah. When there was one set of tire tracks, I drifted sideways. Yeah. And so, yeah.

I'll get onto my thing when we get onto unprovoked violence, but... The car appears and we cut as, you know, as Brian appears. But here's the thing. We get a mid-credit scene. Yes, we do, we do, we do. We actually get two mid-credit scenes, I believe. Oh, I only saw the one. Yes, so did I, but I checked the Wikipedia and it says that there's two.

Oh shit, I'm looking now. Right, so what I saw is that Frank Transporter is beating up a guy in a punching bag. I saw Franco Transporter, yes. Franko Transporter, yeah, yeah. Obviously, again, like we've put certain things in this world are just like things that I wish were true, like the sort of multiple all-girl tactical units, unified communist Germany, highly muscled trans man kicking the shit out of someone inside a punch bag. That's interesting. to me. Um, but it's, it's, it's, it's, it's auto in there. Cause Jason Statham had to be in this movie, but only for like 10 minutes, 10 seconds rather.

Yeah. Yeah. And then he gets a knock on the door and it's harm. And it's hard. And it's, oh, I thought, I killed you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you didn't. You didn't kill me, motherfuckers.

No consequences. Nothing is real. Nothing you do has any impacts. I do like his facial reaction. Jason says, oh, it's quite good. Yeah. What? Yeah.

if they come back in the next one and hang out. You may as well say whatever you want as great. This is more like a kind of like, you know, Buddhist horror at this point. Like, you know, Roman Pierce is experiencing his Dharma, which is a deeply imprisoning thing, you know? Should have killed Ludicrys. What's the other post-credits scene? Maybe there isn't one. Maybe that was it.

Maybe I've misdirected this. In which case, that was, that was it. That is, that's fast nine, all two and a half hours of it. Fast nine. That's the fast side. Awesome. How do we feel about the Fast Saga? It's the same. It's the same movie. It's become James Bond, right? It's the same thing that happens to every long-running in our franchise, complete with Dom having a different actor from when he was the same guy.

Yeah. Yeah. When I was the same guy when we went into space, when the orb was a cube, and then it was gonna hack. We didn't even mention what Project Aries fucking does, because it doesn't matter. It's like the fifth. It's just computers. Device, computers, fucking, we gotta go to Germitoki, Glasgow, London, fucking Monty Quinto. Isn't it fascinating, by the way, and noteworthy, that they lay waste to this South American country and then spend the entire rest of the film in white countries doing magnet bullshit. Yeah, that's very true.

Instead of hurting anyone. They definitely do a lot of property damage at Edinburgh. Okay, well, property versus killing a guy. It's like the women only get to be people after, what, like nine movies? Yeah, it is. Yeah, and I can only imagine it was because both of them were in the room with the producers just being like, give me a fucking scene where I'm a human being. Please.

Yeah. Michelle Rodriguez after nine movies gets to be a fucking person. Do you remember that scene in like fast six or seven where she's like, I got to go and be a person on my own independently of you, Dom, and then two scenes later she comes back. She's like, we got married off screen. It's like, oh, no. I remember that we were married and I'm back

I'm so happy that Mia gets to do some fight scenes now I'm so happy for that actress God she deserves a medal for fucking sticking it out I said it early on but it's more true now than ever I am heartened that the emotional core of these movies is this lavender marriage between these two transgender individuals They have a kiss at one point and it's like cool great

I like the Kurt Russell's still getting a paycheck Also what was he alive? Was he alive? Did they rescue him? Is he dead? Is he even the jungle? Who knows? Yeah. We'll find out the next one. Also, remember how these movies used to maybe have something to say about masculinity? No. Like, remember that?

No, I honestly don't. Okay, fine. Well, maybe a little bit in the first one when Dom was like... Maybe. Because when Dom was like an interesting character who genuinely had like once killed a guy in anger and like, like, credited massively. When he was... I hate only had a sister.

I hate that... I hate that... He just stole the fucking notes from Point Break. I just made a movie. I hate that they change that now. Now it's like, it isn't anything because it's just completely textualess. But we don't have to speculate about textures. We have a science-based system.

We do. It's called the scum system. Stant to Smarm. Cultural insensitivity, unprovoked violence and misogyny. On a scale of zero to seven, how smami is fast nine? The Star Wars references scene, I think, puts it into punitive for me. Roman keeps being like, oh, this is going to be our coolest adventure yet. If this was a movie, this is when this would happen.

It's entirely comprised of lines for the trailer. Every line is a trailer line. Yes. That's pretty smart, because eventually you really give your trailer, like, cutters a lot to work with. If just your whole movie is lines like, wow, this is going to be our biggest adventure. You know what we did that trailer for Eurospy season? That was so good. We should do a trailer for Varmint season.

I think punitive, for sure. On the other hand, it's not, like, it's so bland is the thing. It's unflamed sloth. Well, I think that makes it worse because there's nothing sincere about it. In fact, the only sincere thing we have is retconned out of it. Avi, give me a number. I think it's got to be eight or nine. I'll do nine.

I'll happily do nine. Put it down. I think it's as bad as Hobbs and Shaw. Yeah. Which was a nine. It's as bad, but weirdly, it's like, worse to watch. Hobbs and show was more fun. Um, cultural insensitivity.

I mean, none of them ever like make racist noises, no, but they do, they do murder those South American people without a second thought, like dozens of them. I have a weird thought, right? Which is, we have arrived at an almost entirely non-white cast, which is great, love that. Absolutely. Love that we get like some diversity of character within that as well. that two things. One is that they kind of lose confidence about that and immediately go, here's why John

Sina is white, which they don't really need to do. But the other, is that they do then start kind of racially segregating the crew. Like, Tej and Roman are attached at the hip for this whole movie. When they don't even really have the best rapport with each other. No. And I'm not entirely sure why. They lump Ramsey into it too, and I'm like, what are you doing? They don't have any kind of like charisma between the three of them.

I don't know, right? I've always been weak on Ramsey as a character. I'm like, you already had a hacker. Why did you need another one? Whatever. You're still parking your comic relief with your black characters exclusively for some reason, and that's strange. Yeah, because there's no reason why L couldn't have been funny in Reddit and epic.

and okay, yeah, she still would have annoyed the piss out of me, but like... Yeah. Also, like, she wasn't written like a teenage girl. She's written like an adult ninja, and I'm like, it would have been funny if she was like, you know, six, seven, low-cur cannually, I'm a ninja. Like, it would have been good. Yeah. Here's the point.

Like, they wrote down the thing where they're like, oh, the key, it's not a key. It's actually a person. And then they refuse to make the person a person, like interesting at all. It could have been a key. She should have been a key. Like, I have no note. pertaining to anything that she does. I don't remember anything she does. She barely has any lines. Like, does she say or do anything? No. She has that one fight

where she's introduced and then... Yeah. Betts on her being in the next film? Odzo low. Again, it's the weed nests thing of like, well, women are powerful because they get to kick ass, right? And it's like, well, you can... That's great, I guess. Do we... Do we get any character? No, not really. No. But cultural insensitivity, do we... How do we feel about like one, two? Yeah. The Montequinto stuff as well. Montiquito I really want to ding it for because I want to ding it and I'm provoked,

but I won't be able to because of the system that we've set up. Yeah. Like I want to give them that in. The army are shooting at them, I guess. I guess I prefer that to them just killing a bunch of Brazilian people. I agree. It's true. It's weird to have made that a specifically South American country when it didn't need to be specifically

anywhere. Mm-hmm. Oh, I bet you choose jungle and And then you go, okay, who has jungles? Yeah. Where are the jungles out? You write a jungle set piece and then you choose the fictional country around it. There's a certain sort of like arrogance to this.

Yeah. So we've got to give it a couple of points of that. So that puts it into... Something, yeah. Two? Like what? Like two? I'm not...

Is here two? Oh, three. Yeah, I can't give an... Yeah. But three, put three down. Put three down. Three? Okay.

Okay. No, I expand. I hate these fuckers. I'm not going to be nice to him. Three. Right. Here's my problem with. with unprovoked violence.

I want to set this out here. This is something that finally crystallized in my head over the course of this. I'm not suggesting we change anything because we're mid-season, but I think unprovoked violence is unfit for purpose. I tend to agree.

We're trying to codify something here. And unprovoked just isn't the best way to get at that. Because if we think about in the first movie, they kill one guy, and it's exactly as provoked as all of the deaths in this one, but they feel really sorry about it. It's a huge problem.

They have like a scene where they're like quietly going over this. And in this one, they're just mowing people down and it's not a problem. And something has heightened that I want to ding them for, but unprovoked violence isn't sufficient to do that. I have a theory about this, or rather I have an idea, right? Because on the one hand, right, people can get too deep into the weeds with the scum stuff, right? Even though it's a science-based system, it's meant to elucidate us talking about it. And so it's, I think that's the main function of it, right?

But here's what I want to do, because I agree with you. I think we go back to heist season. We do a very, very car-based heist movie called The Blues Brothers. And at the end of the Blues Brothers, we change unprovoked to unnecessary, referencing something in that movie. Okay, I like that because what I had written down was unquestioned violence. Interesting. I could also do like, orgiat. or like extraneous.

Just like an assumed level of violence that you exist within the... I mean, I think we've already been doing that. We dinged fast-fired for this very thing that you're highlighting Devin, which is that the body count was higher. So I think this already comes under what we have. And these things never have to map on perfectly to Bond either. Like it's a system designed for James Bond movies. Yeah, that's true.

Well, yes. If you're going for a textualist interpretation, you would say only violence for this unprovoked. But I think that we can take the other tack on this and be like... I agree. I agree. As you know, I'm an originalist. And I think we should stick to the plain meaning of scum as was part of years ago only.

A scum positivist? I'm a constructivist. And so I think... I think I'm a constructivist also. Yeah, we can reason our way to a different you here. I think it should... None of this violence is unprovoked, but I think it should have a relatively high score. Yeah, I do too.

Yeah, it's like unnecessary. Yeah. Yeah. They invade a country. That's, that's, that's, that, maybe they're the ones doing the provocation, right? Yeah, four, five. They're shooting back at them, but they infected this country. I would, I would go five.

I would go five, just for the, the sort of like John Wick of, you know, Roman Pierce in that sequence. So, yeah, I would say five. Can I persuade you to take one off for Dom heroically putting himself in the way of civilians under fire? Ooh. Ooh. Oh, if we're changed. No, but only because it, it takes away from the, anti-violence message in the first one of, I lost the run of myself and I beat this guy

and the tire. You're right. You're right. Five. Okay. Yeah. Cool. Finally, misogyny. Misogy. I mean, this again, this again is really ephemeral because we're trying to nail down different manifestations of misogyny and misogyny like surrounds us and constrains all of our actions. So I, again, it's sort of like we set this up. I don't want to get too philosophical about this. We set this up to distinct... Always get as philosophical as possible, I love it. We set this up to distinguish

Sean Connery slapping a woman on the ass from Daniel Craig being sad that a woman is killed off screen, right? And I don't know that it ever did a great job of that, but so how misogynistic is this movie?

Well, still quite. Yeah, I think it has improved. Women get to kick ass, but then they got to do that. in previous ones, but women get to be people a little bit as well. We get to be competent. We don't do the meat market thing. We don't.

Which like in and of itself, I mean, obviously this is such a low bar to clear. We want to think about this in any fucking meaningful way. But as this is, as like the ninth movie in a fucking billion dollar franchise where like no single human being is the creative mind behind this at this point. There is like a fucking faceless group of people that make these choices. Yeah, it's less. It's less misogynes for the previous ones. Was this the first post Me Too, Fast and Furious?

Yeah, I believe so. When was Me Too? It's like 2019, right? There are things that we can prefer about different things. Like, I weirdly, I miss Suki. You remember her? She had like the pink car and she did the art and stuff. Yeah.

We don't really, like, that was absolutely like a character for girls, right? But like, since we decided that women are people in the making of these movies, we kind of decided that women are just bland, like everyone is. land. And so, like, letting gets to, like, drive and part and stuff. Women are a target demographic. Women consume movies. Like, power scaling, why Suki is just street level. Like, they, as they continue to increase the amount of money these people have, like, they are less and less to do with anyone who would be doing an illegal street race. Like, these people could just buy the street and shut it down and do a normal street race there. I discovered a weird factoid the other day,

which is that the fast and furious audience demographics are actually pretty evenly split men and women. more evenly split than my show, which is really... That's crazy. Very broad-based, you know? It's very lowest common denominator. I just wanted to kiss. Do we want to do like a two here, maybe? I think it's improved.

Yeah, sorry, I'm clicking the pen, Sam. I'm sorry about that. Because I think the meat market stuff was always egregious, right? And like, not doing that, that kind of renunciation, we do have to reward it for that. Yeah, I'm glad that it didn't. Yeah. So that gives it a total. score of 19, which is not the best. It's higher than Fast 8 by one point. And it's tied the Fast 4.

Fast 1 is still winning on 12 points. But there has been significant improvement in misogyny. I think the Smarm is what's dragging it up now. We can just get that down again. That's definitely true. This feels like a meeting of like a multidisciplinary team. You know, like we're sort of here being like, okay, so here's the latest case notes on Fast and Furious. Showing improvement, which which is what we like. We've just got a few areas to target. Yeah. I'm reporting the parents to safeguarding immediately. Straight away, yeah.

With luck, we will have woke, fast and furious in no later than 2035. I think we can do it. Let's see what we can do with Fast 10 a movie where I can't wait to find out. Oh, my fucking God. If they can't make it sincere. One more, there's one more, there's one more. I can't wait. And then the life show.

We're nearly in the end. We're so nearly done with it and back to high school. Back to Heist. Yes, I'm so ready to be done with this. Well, thank you so much for listening to the meeting of the First and Furious Multidisciplinary Team, case workers. We'll meet again in six months. Absolutely.

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