Kill James Bond! - S4E4.5 Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones

Episode Date: December 31, 2024

Happy New Year from Kill James Bond!  We offered you, on our twitter and bluesky accounts, the chance to vote on a movie for us to cover for this episode. You chose to make us watch the second star wars movie, and let it never be said that the Kill James Bond podcast shies away from adversity. So tonight, on the Free Feed, it's Attack of the Clones! The aged Galactic Republic is on the brink of war. Separatists, led by the ex-jedi Count Dooku, are poised to break away from the old structures of galactic democracy. And to make matters worse, they even have a robot army. Can the Jedi order quell these feelings? Just how many new zealanders does the republic need to keep itself safe? And can Anakin Skywalker get his dick wet? All this and more ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. Attached is their gofundme, as well as three others that I can vouch for the authenticity of. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-me-and-my-family-to-find-a-safe-place https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-us-maher-and-my-family-to-leave-gaza-to-belgium https://www.gofundme.com/f/htdcj-evacuating-my-family-from-gaza https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

Mr. Bustin Intro music Happy New Year! Happy New Year! And welcome to yet another episode of Kill James Bond, this is going out on the free feed. You're hearing this. Hell yeah! And you will get what you pay for, you'll get what you fucking deserve, because, listener, you are about to enter into 2025 by being introduced to the concept of a protest episode. My friend November is upset by you.

I am here against my will. We respect the results of the election, there will be a peaceful transfer into 2025. Listen, right, elections are rigged, stop the steal. For the backstory, for anyone who doesn't follow us on any social media account, and you are our strongest soldiers if you don't. Yes. Please do. Because we held a little competition to pick our New Year's special episode, alright? I put some like prompts on bluesky and x.com, the everything app, and the top 16 liked comments from all of these I put into a little bracket against each other. You got to vote on all of them. this is the one that won, this is your fault, you did this, we're watching the second Star Wars

movie that they ever made. Star Wars 2. Star Wars Episode 2 Attack of the Clones, baby! Star Wars Episode 2 Attack of the Clones! Why would you do this to me? I feel like the CEO of UnitedHealthcare, Brian Johnson, and that I have been shot in the back when I least expected it. How could you do this to me?

I think that's a myth. We need to get something out of the way. Yeah, we should probably address this pretty fast. Which is that, listeners, if you were not aware of this, if you only listen to Kill James Bond and you don't follow any of my social medias, you may not know that I am in fact a professional actor when I'm not on this podcast, and I am in fact in Star Wars. I was in Star Wars in 2024, if you've heard of a little series called The Acolyte, I have a small role in that. So, I like Star Wars, and I like everything about it.

Do they have like a non-disparagement clause? Yes. Literally, yes. Yeah, as part of my goodwill gesture towards this, I am assuming that no Star Wars movies were made timeline-wise after this. I'm watching this movie and assuming that it is the most recent expression of Star War. I'm not gonna touch Disney. SORROWSKY Despite the fact that I'm biased, that I like Star Wars and I had fun being in it,

I also did actually kinda enjoy going back and watching Attack of the Clones again. I don't think it's aged perfectly, but we'll get into this, but I think it's alright. MULLER I enjoyed the process of watching Attack of the Clones. I did not, and happily I signed a disparagement clause for Lucasfilm. They actually didn't want me to do this, but I came to Skywalker Ranch, I met with George Lucas and I signed a disparagement clause, which means that I am obligated, for balance reasons, to say that this was, I think, maybe one of the most dire experiences I've ever had with a film. I've seen worse films, morally, aesthetically, technically, but just in terms of how I felt

in a kind of subjective thing of the moment, you could have hooked me up to an ECG or whatever and all of my brainwaves would have been like, this is a person who is being tortured, who is experiencing, like, unpleasant- I was, like, function- on a functional, like, molecular level I was welded into an oil drum. At that moment. You were like Daniel Craig just getting a ballswip watching this video. No. I was like Daniel Craig in Fucking Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, I was listening to Orinoco

Flow suspended in a neck brace watching this fucking thing. And because crucially, right? Of the, like, episode one, two, three, I had only seen episode one before? Not a Star Wars person? I'd only seen episode one when I was a kid, I had like happy meal, um, and that left like little to no impression on me, and now, finally, decades later I get to see where they were going with this, what they were cooking in the sequel to episode one, and that's episode two, this attack of the clone.

The second Star Wars film they ever made. I think there's parts of this that have actually aged quite well, but anyway. There are specific moments. second Star Wars film. I think there's parts of this that have actually aged quite well. But anyway. There are specific moments. Anyway, we start off, as you know, with like the big old Star Wars opening, my notes say to be fair, let's fuckin' go. Yeah, you know what it is. Da-da-da-da.

You get the opening goal. Yeah, it's like a page-reader. Like, this is the thing. It's going up the screen, it's saying there's been multiple problems with the galactic trade routes or whatever, like, you're logged in. No, hang on a minute, this is actually like fairly important stuff. So space Brexit is on the verge of happening. Like the Republic is maybe falling apart, there are some systems that are maybe going to secede, and then the Republic are like, well, shit, the separatists

are armed, maybe we need an army of the Republic, which doesn't exist. But like, maybe that's going to escalate the tensions. Maybe the army should be helping the Jedi, who are cops. The Jedi are religious FBI, if you're interested in that as a concept you can watch a little series called The Acolyte. ALICE The Jedi are a sort of ethno-religious group that at this point has become just a religious group, as far as I'm aware, similar to the Sith. ALICE Yeah, a kind of ethno-religious group that populates the institutions of law enforcement and intelligence. Like Mormons. Space Mormons!

RILEY They are, as far as I'm aware, the only cops, the only sort of direct troops even, that the Republic has, is this sort of religious order of Yoda's. TORNADOR Warrior monks! ALICE And there's Separatism. Why is there Separatism? I'm sure there's an Extended Universe property to tell you. But there is.

TORNADOR You've seen it! It's episode one! That's why. RILEY Yeah, it's episode one, it's the galaxy, there are train routes. When I saw it I was eating happy meals. You know how long it's been since I had a happy meal? It's been a minute. I don't remember why this is. When was the last time you were happy?

What the causes of separatism were. I don't know what the last meal I had I was happy during. Don't put me under oath to ask me when the last time I had a happy meal is. When is the last time you had a happy meal? It's just like in the fucking Oppenheimer. Wait a minute, and what is the uptime on this computer? Now wait a second, now wait a goddamn second. There's about to be a vote in space parliament on whether we're gonna create a space army

for the Republic, and Senator Amidala, Natalie Portman, she's on her way to space parliament, she's space AOC, she's gonna vote on this. That's the opening crawl. Yeah. space AOC, she's gonna vote on this. That's the opening crawl. Yeah, she steps out of her... Incredibly sleek Naboo ship. Her cool ass Naboo starfighter or whatever. I do like the Naboo ship styles, I had the N1 starfighter, I had the lego set of that, the yellow one, that was kinda sick.

Look, I'm not gonna say that a lot of this isn't gonna be coloured by nostalgia for me, but I will try to give as objective of you as I can. My nostalgia came to a hard stop with episode one, and not for any reason, like, I just kind of had other stuff going on. By the way, before she actually lands, they get a guy coming in to be like, oh we're about to land on Coruscant, the city planet,'know, city planet where all the stuff happens. Yeah. Yeah, space London.

Space London. This, when I watched this, spawned about twenty minutes of argument in the room, as to whether or not the movie was in the right aspect ratio, what the right aspect ratio was. Yes, no, that is true. I watched the Amazon version, this... the aspect ratio was odd. This is a wrong aspect ratio looking man in and of himself. I think he's just built that way, they built him in a widescreen format. I think it's fine to have actors who have small roles in Star Wars, particularly if

they are notably different proportions than all the other people of the scenes that they're in. That's very fine. Why is one of the witches a foot taller than everyone else? Don't fucking worry about it. So, shit, so Senator Space AOC Natalie Portman steps off her spaceship, and she gets blown the fuck up. Yeah, she gets immediately clapped.

Kaboom. By the worst explosion ever. There's an explosion, I will state that at this point you've heard about five lines and nobody is like, giving anything. At all. Mmhm, it's true. It's giving nothing. It's like, aw, it looks like, giving anything, at all. Mmhm, it's true. It's giving nothing. It's like, aw, it looks like there was no danger at all, and then it explodes or whatever.

She runs up to her, a sort of body double, who is dying on the ground there. Yeah, because they got the wrong bird, they got the double! Yeah, they got the double! She did her job right. She's going through so many doubles, by the way. And this double says to her, I've failed you. No, you did your job to a T. You've nailed it, babe. Don't worry.

You doubled perfectly. You doubled as hell. The real Natalie Portman survives. And at this point we cut to guy I love to see, legendary Shakespearean British actor, Ian McDermott. Who is the president of space. That is fucking true. Yes.

He's chancellor, he's president of space, he's Angela Merkel of space. Of the parliament, you know? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta have a leader. You can do some real Kit Fisto moments, or some real Glup Shitto moments in this. You can. When I was watching this, I was watching this with Gwen, and she went, pointed at the screen

and went, yo, is that Plo Koon? Yeahlo Koon? Who the fuck is Plo Koon? Why do you know who Plo Koon is? M- It's the fucking orange guy with the burrito mask. A- What? M- Kipfisto's in it later on. A- Kipfisto is in it later on. There's a lot of guys in the background of this that I might talk about. M- We get our point men for the Jedi High Council in this, which is Yoda, you know, Yoda, small green muppet. ALICE And Yoda looks bad.

Yoda looks real bad. STACEY He does. Real bad. CGI Yoda. They gave him retinoids and he looks weird. GARRETT They're in the exact halfway point between like, practical effects and like CG looking good, and then as a result we've got this sort of halfway measure of CG looking really bad.

STACEY What they did is they put the hair from Geralt and the Witcher 1 onto a muppet, and they shouldn't have done that, looks really bad. And the other Jedi Master in the room is Samuel L. Jackson! Yeah, Mace Windu! Yeah, he's here. And Natalie Portman is here, and she's like, yo, they just tried to blow me up on the landing pad, I think it was Count Dooku, he's space Nigel

Farage, he's the leader of the Separatists, we haven't met him yet. I think we might be examining this too closely through the lens of Brexit. He's sort of like a Spexit guy. Yeah, Spexit. I do like that Mace Windu's reasoning here is like, well, Count Dooku used to be a Jedi, so he couldn't have done anything bad. As if the entire history of guys who have done something bad galactically is ex-Jedi. SID Well none of that's happened yet, but anyway.

ALICE We set this up for the blind spot of like, well a Jedi couldn't do something bad in the future. SID It's a critical blind spot, it's important to the plot! ALICE Yeah, that's what I mean! It was complementary, not everything I'm saying about this is like a criticism, I just had a bad time watching it. SID I will say most of the things I'm saying are. But this is, there's a slow zoom in every single shot, and it keeps doing shot reverse

shots slowly zooming, and it reminds me of the AI Balenciaga videos, so strongly. It's harder for me to think of anything else. NICOLAS But everyone is worried because this could be space Brexit, or it could be space civil war, and like, if it does happen the Jedi aren't supposed to be soldiers, they're meant to be like the FBI. And so, space president Ian McDermott, Chancellor Palpatine, is like, well, what if, Senator AOC of space, Natalie Portman, what if you were placed under the Jedi's protection for safety? Yeah, they're trying to kill your ass. Yeah, what if you were placed under the Jedi's protection, for safety? Yeah, they're trying to kill your ass.

Yeah, what if we put you in the Jedi witness protection program? Yeah. We got two Jedi who could do this. Yeah, and you know that, because they're all friends of yours! Yeah, they met you in the last movie! This is Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, some classic boys. Hell yeah! Yeah, it's Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Yeah, Ewan McGregor. And Hayden Christensen as Anakin. Hey man. Hello to both of these guys. Great, great job, everyone. Hayden Christensen was 19 when he took this role, and he's the same age as Anakin, this is like one of his first big roles. I will say, this is one of the most 19 year olds, like, I'm not gonna say performances,

because he does a great job, but like, the character is the most 19 year old person in the entire world. ALICE And particularly like, 2000's 19 year old, in the sense that he has a horrid little rat tail, which I just, I want so violently to cut off. RILEY He's got a horrible rat tail, and a little ponytail too. ALICE True, is this true?

RILEY That is a specific Jedi haircut, that's a Jedi Padawan haircut. It marks him out as like, trainee cop. This will become important later on. Imagine if you were a trainee cop and they made you get a haircut to like demarcate that. That's awful. Which is also weird because not all species who become Jedi have hair, so it must be only for the humanoid ones. Anyway.

Yeah, I will say, because like, we're inside the Jedi Council and we see a bunch of the other guys and there's all sorts here. There's like, wise snake. There's a guy who looks like a Parasaurolophus dinosaur doing the like, the Chad guide lips. I've become obsessed with the Chad Parasaurolophus. I love him so much. I know exactly the guy you mean. One of them has a back to his chair and the others don't, and I became obsessed into thinking about why one of them gets, like, you know, lumbar support and the others don't. Yeah, there's a guy with a very tall head, that's Ki-Adi-Mundi, he'll be... I don't know if important later, but he's present.

He's here. There's Kit Fisto. There's a lot of Jedi's. But Anakin's nervous because he had a big crush on Padme when they were kids in episode one. And he's like, ah shit. He really tries to impress her when they reunite, because Padme's like, oh, I want you guys to find out who the killer's supposed to be, and Obi-Wan's like, no, we're just security, we're not detectives, and Anakin's like, I will 100% find them for you, Queen.

I will track these guys down. It's implied in our mandate or whatever. They bicker about this. It's really, in some ways, as bad as being James Bond to get a main role in a Star Wars film in a lot of ways, in that it's one of those things that, like, often you end up, as Hayden Christensen was thrown into it at a very young age, and then it's kind of like catch and kill, right? Whatever else you want to do, the rat tail is on you for life, you know?

ALICE You and McGregor did a right out of it. It's just like, you know, you and McGregor did both right. ALICE It's very cool. RILEY He does a fine job as Anakin Skywalker. I'm not gonna criticize him. ALICE It's interesting as well, because his acting in this one in particular became a meme, as people were like, he's so bad. In the same way that-

ALICE It's all the writing, to be honest. NIVA Well, in the same way that people criticize Keanu Reeves to The Matrix, and then you go back and you watch The Matrix now and it's like, actually, his acting in this is fine. The character is written in a certain way and he performs it in that way and he's 19 and whatever. But I don't think he deserved nearly as much shit as he got. ALICE No, basically no one deserves any shit, certainly.

ALICE This is like an early case of internet hate-dom, which... Are you suggesting, Nevehm, are you suggesting that the Star Wars online fandom has some kind of problem with directing hatred at actors? Are you suggesting such a thing? I'm not even really speaking about fans here, like, this was such a huge cultural phenomenon that the mainstream reacted inherently, there was a backlash to it, because if you're like, here is my infinity trillion dollar movie, and it's weird, you kind of see the same thing with Marvel, but not to the same extent, there were a very specific set of conditions for this.

That when episode one, two, and three came out, it was just primed for this, like, cultural backlash to this, to be like, well these were all shit because they're not like I remember the originals being, and were just kind of being fed this kind of slop, y'know? And I think that that's gotta be difficult for anyone, especially a 19 year old. And a lot of the criticism is, like, warranted, but it's not really about that, it's about the kind of, like, cultural valence of Star Wars, and about the new Star Wars, and being like, oh they're trying to do something new with it and it fucking sucks, how dare they.

I wouldn't have a clue what you're talking about. Yeah, right? I don't know if I want to get into this like 60 minutes of the episode but regardless there's like there's a lot of people that think that the new Star Wars stuff like the the post-Disney acquisition Star Wars stuff is like unbelievably cringe is like unwatchable because of this but if you you watch these movies and like it's the same performance like this, like Star Wars has been sort of cringe from the start, that's kind of the point. It is stupid. These are famous actors having to

say things like, I'm just gonna quote an actor, he's called Christopher Lee? I don't know if you're aware of Christopher fucking Lee? But he had to say this line. "-It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force, but by our skills with a light saber." The point is to take a Shakespearean actor and make him say some dumb bullshit. Like, that's always been the point. Yeah. It's great. Yeah, it's really fucking fun. It's good. I, it's really fuckin' fun. Like, it's good! I ironically love Star Wars!

ALICE And so much of the criticism of this is coming from a place of not just subjectivity, but like, let's say, the extremely personal, right? And I think, yeah, Star Wars didn't just fall out of the fucking coconut tree, it exists within a context. Y'know? Yeah, for example, the rebels are fucking the Viet Cong. For one thing. Yeah.

Stealing a bunch of World War II movies. The Jedi are cops. Yeah, the Jedi are cops. Yeah. A-Jab. Anyway. That night they're keeping watch over Padme and Anakin Anakin and Obi-Wan keep bickering. ALICE There's a couple of things I wanted to talk

about, but when she first meets Anakin, first of all he tries to riz her up, not just by being like, oh we should investigate the thing, he also says that she has grown more beautiful, and her response to this is to say, you'll always be like a little boy to me, which, knowing the direction that this goes in is like, mm. Yeah. We do get a scene between Yoda and Mace Windu, where they go like, hey man, wait, sorry, Yoda is like, we can't predict the future at this point, should we tell anyone? And they're like, nooooo.

Yeah. The Jedi are supposed to be able to do that. Like, we get this impression that the Jedi order, the point, like the way that they have become entangled with the Republic in this way is because they're like these sort of religious like order of monks, they're like noble warriors, they can see the future, so they like help sort of guide things. And these are our two most powerful ones being like, we've lost the ability to see the future, should we let them know? Nah. That's fine.

If you are interested in why they might cover that up, the acolyte goes into the fact that a lot of people in the Senate are against the existence of the Jedi because they're essentially a kind of like ethno-nationalist FBI with superpowers. It's true. One of the best scenes in the acolytes was one of the Jedi because they're essentially a kind of like ethno-nationalist FBI with superpowers. It's true. One of the best scenes in the Acolytes was one of the senators is just like, I wanna pass the anti-Jedi bill because fuck you guys, we should have elected cops, not you. Facts, though. Oh, by the way, Jar Jar Binks is here, as well.

Yeah, Jar Jar Binks is here. Just in case you forgot about him. Miss Abbas- Cool, man. Thanks for coming. Thank you. He's a representative now, we've elected Wes. Banded from the back roofs.

He's in Parliament. Jar Jar Binks, you guys are aware of Jar Jar Binks, you might've seen him in the first movie, sort of, he's got the big ears, he goes, Misa, Misa, that kind of stuff, you know? He's a senator in the Galactic Senate, representing the country of Naboo. The city. The fucking planet representing the country of Naboo. The city. The fucking planet. Planet. Planet.

Planet. Of Naboo. Yeah. How many senators does Naboo get? You'd hope two. Yeah. At least. There's two races on the fucking planet. Yeah, he's like the senior one. There's like human guys, I probably shouldn't say normal. But I believe that's standard, right?

Galactic standard. There's humans, and then there's like, Gungans. You should get two senators for that. Yeah. Yeah, one per race. One per race. He also somehow looks a little bit worse than he did in episode one. Which is, they've really done some movie magic here to make everybody look kind of worse.

Also, there's another thing that I want to talk about here, because there's a lot of scenes in Ian McDonough's office, right, as Chancellor Palpatine, where the office is all CGI. NICCOYLE Everything is CG. ALICE Yeah, the only thing that's like a real object or like a couple of leather couches in the foreground, and so everything, the furniture and all this is like, is like, CGI'd in.

And I think, I have a worry about this, right, because the acting is all fine, but you're looking at this and it looks like one of those old FMV games, where it's like, you've rotoscoped or whatever two actors into, like, you know, into nothing. And they shoot a lot of movies like this, I remember seeing the fucking Death on the Nile with Kenneth Branagh and Gal Gadot, that being like mostly blue screen and a couple of like blocks. This is something that, and that being, yeah, mocked, but it was even less like, obtrusive than this, right?

And this is kind of something that something that we've seen happen with CGI that I worry about happening with AI, where you're like, are these early implementations of it look really clumsy and obvious? And then it just kind of got so normalized that you can shoot an entire movie this way now, and it looks fine, and you wouldn't even necessarily know to say, oh, this is a bad thing, necessarily. I mean, I made this joke in the group chat, there are certain points of this that do look like Spike is 3D, there are certain points of this that do look like you're ten years into a campaign where they let you get rotoscoped into the movie for a fee.

There are specific shots I'm thinking of where, like, none of these fuckers are even in the same room. It's grim. It's bad. They took a big swing on this brand new tech and were very excited about it, but they didn't have it down yet, and it's a shame. George Lucas loved some new tech, and we will get into some of that as well, but so, yeah, looks bad.

So they're protecting Padme. They've turned R2-D2 into a combination burglar alarm and star map projector? Which is really funny. She's upstairs and R2's like projecting, you know, like one of those promoted viral tweet replies ladies, get the best star map projector. Get the best vibrator. Downstairs Obi-Wan and Anakin are lightly arguing because Anakin is kind of chafing at being a padawan, he's like, you know, my Jedi powers are actually great, stop insulting my Jedi powers.

This is a classic, like, we get a scene of the two of them in an elevator, and like, we haven't seen them since episode one, where one of them was young, one of them was older, they're both adult actors now, and they clearly have a huge offscreen relationship between the two of them. They're clearly friends at this point. You got them in the lift and they're like, we are friends. And it's like, cool. Next.

ALICE As far as screenwriting goes, Anakin does say that he would rather be dreaming about Padme than my mother, which, curious. Yes. Obi-Wan's like, you're a Jedi, you're not allowed to be horny. Yeah. No, that's one of the main things you gotta know, is that the Jedi would absolutely forbid you from getting horny. They're like, vollsel.

They don't fuck. Well, uh, they do fuck, they're not allowed to have attachment. RILEY Yeah, that's true. They're not allowed to have romantic attachments. They can only get on Grindr at like, fucking 3AM and stuff. ZOE Canonically Obi-Wan does shag, but you can't love, is the point.

Anyway, that's crazy. ALICE Anakin's like, I'm sick of hanging out with you, getting a line here, another lecture on the economics of politics, which... Yeah, man. Totally. However, across town we see a woman being paid off to go and, like, assassinate Padme, which she does, by taking delivery of a couple of little, like, whims. They've had whims.

Yeah. Gets little whims. Little venomous whims. She puts them in a robot, and the robot secretes them into Padme's room. The little, like, Hunter Schaefer drone. Like, sort of cuts open the... What? Because it reminds me of the bit from Dune, with the Hunter Seeker drone, and so I called it the Hunter Schaeer drone. Yeah. What about this was obscure to you? This drone doesn't look anything like Hunter Shaffer. Yeah. Was that not a kind of transparent thought process to you?

Yeah. Deploys the Hunter Shaffers. Yeah. I remember when me and Alex and Hunter were hanging out at the tea lounge in New York and Hunter just secreted a bunch of venomous millipedes everywhere, like what the fuck? Yeah, we got... that happens. That never happened, I've never been to tea lounge. That's one of the things you can do if you get on HRT before puberty, alright. Like a lot of us don't have access to that. Just secreted venomous millipedes? Yeah.

Yeah, it's actually really like problematic, yeah. But if you lock in, you could get the worm generating feet. And she uses her feet to generate these worms. Mm. Atsu fucks this one up, because he forgets he has wheels, and so he's like, scanning the room, and these worms are going around the other side of the bed, and he's like, kind of detects something and doesn't trundle his fucking robot trashcan ass around to the side of the bed to look.

He goes security guard mode, he goes observe and report, he's like, I'm not moving. Must've been the wind. Yeah. But, it sets off Anakin and Obi-Wan's like, force sense, and they come in and like, Anakin saves the day by... Yeah, they're both like, chatting or whatever, and Anakin just starts running and Obi-Wan goes like, I sensed it too, before he starts running as well. Just so you get, you understand what's happened, if he's using the Force.

Anakin saves the day by like, lightsabering these worms and almost decapitating Padme, which is fun. Yeah, he goes in lightsaber first. Yeah. He doesn't hesitate to let it bark. He does not hesitate to let it- No. This is a movie about a guy who really could stand to hesitate before letting it bark.

If anything, he needs to hesitate way more. He lets it buzz. That's his fucking arc. But yeah, no, he goes in sword first instead of grabbing it with the fucking force or whatever, and Obi-Wan, credit to him, jumps directly out of the window. Yeah, and they're on like the bazillionth floor of a skyscraper by the way. This is space. Yeah, this is Coruscant, baby.

Like there's no ground. Like you're just fucking, there's city the whole way down. You'd hate to force grab a worm. Can you feel something you force grab is the question, because if you can, you're holding the worm. You gotta be able to, right? Yeah. Yeah, there must be some kind of feedback. Yeah, touching that worm. You don't want to touch that worm.

I don't know. Well, he's a Jedi, he's not allowed to touch his worm. That's pretty quite using a lightsaber. Only with that attachment, yeah. So Obi-Wan jumps out of the window. This is great, he does it like fucking Hitler in Danger 5. He does it immediately. Yeah, he like grabs onto the Hunter Schafer drone. Obi-Wan exits the function like James Bond exited the Spectre meeting. One of the great out of the windows of all time.

Oh, putting that together in a supercut with Hitler from Danger 5, James Bond, Inspector. Yeah, with the guy from the man from Uncle who just falls out of the window slowly. Also, you're that high up, you don't have safety glass? Like, it would've been funny if you just go BOOM and bounced off it. They don't have safety glass in Coruscant, you could just dive out of the window. Cool. ALICE But Jedi glass detempering powers.

Meanwhile, Anakin goes and gets the car, and there's an extremely necessary shot of him backing the car out of a parking an extremely necessary shot of him backing the car out of a parking space. Which is just really funny to me. He can fly! Go up! Everything about the fucking speeders is so good. I love the speeders.

Cause he gets up to like, a big chase in the sky, and it's like, you can fly anywhere man, just get out of the lane. I start to think at this point that the more speculative aspects of Star Wars are just a plot by big Dalling Kindersley to do more Dalling Kindersley illustrated Star Wars things to be like and here's how we think this works. I like the speed of chase it's cool. It's a car chase it is a car chase. Anakin like picks him up and then they have a fun bit of a fun bit of back and forth where Obi-Wan is like, what took you so long? He's like, I couldn't find a speeder that I'd like...

At this point we identify a problem. So there's a principle in screenwriting that after you've finished drafting, you should cut 20% of what you've written. I don't know what that could. Yeah, Coco Chanel, take two things off. And it's painful to do that, but it will make it leaner, because you will cut out the 20% of stuff that you don't need. So what we have here, we have six lions here, they go back and forth, Annie Obi Wan, Annie Obi Wan, Annie Obi Wan, because what took you so long?

Couldn't find a speeder I liked. Huzzah buh buh buh buh, huzzah buh buh buh buh, da da da da da da da da da. And it's like, pick two. Just pick two. Just pick two. Just pick the two. What took you so long? Couldn't find a speeder, I liked. Coom.

Bull. That's great. That's great. BAM. BAM. Yeah, if you've been half as long practicing your lightsaber powers as your wit, you can rival Mastodon, or some shit like that. It's like, get out of my script.

Also not funny, crucially. Like... But just the one, just the back and forth? That's funny. To lean into this point, that's the problem, is that like, George Lucas as a director, and I love you brother, if you're listening, which I know you are, hey man, how you doin', but like, get that goyda looked up. But like, he can't fucking stop putting things in.

Like, he cannot stop. This is something you'll know if you're aware of a handshot first debacle, right? He cannot stop being like, ooh, actually this doesn't reflect too well on my characters, let me put like five extra lines in to sort of reference things, or like, make things clearer, or things like that. It's the opposite of good screenwriting. ALICE Some new technology comes out, George Lucas goes back into the things that he owns. RILEY He's like, Rona's got to be ten more freaks

into this film. Now! Now! ALICE Yes! Yeah! This interstitial shot, this needs like six guys that look like they came out of a screensaver. RILEY Someone needs to be doing something in the background, someone needs to be poking a screen or something, and it's every shot-

It's like a very human impulse to be like, I wanna make my constructed world feel alive, however it is done with like, no storytelling instinct whatsoever. It's a two hour and twenty minute movie and I maintain that it would have been a lot better if you'd gone, you'd gotta get it under two hours. Yeah, no, fully, definitely. This is the thing about all of these, is they kind of defy editing, because this is why you need the ruthless corporate fist of Disney to do these things, you know? Because if it's just left to one Californian autistic man, he will put in all of the things

he's interested in, he will show you all of his toys. I dunno, I like the vis- it just, the movie feels like it was made by people. Which I like, I kinda like its floors for that reason. Cards on the table. It feels like it's made by a person. Yeah. But yeah. Rather than a committee, but anyway.

They crash land and they follow the assassin into a club, my notes say you can bring weapons in here? Yeah, they can just walk into the club. They fly through the gas flare district on the way in, there's some jokes about some commuters. Yeah, you get a line from Obi-Wan that's like, I don't have the line specifically but I got it written down here, where he goes, Anakin, how many times have I told you to keep away from power couplings?

Which is one of the things that you put in if you want the banter between them, but I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. They're also assuming the assassin's gender, and then Obi-Wan says I think he is a she, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Cut it. Cut it. Get out of this shit. They're also assuming the assassin's gender, and then Obi-Wan says I think he is a she, which would have been a good drop, but I couldn't work the new mixer, sorry. They go into the club. They go back to the club. Yeah, they go into the fucking cantina, is what they go into, because...

Yeah. They go back to the club. Immediately. Obi-Wan's in the thing for two seconds and then this scruffiest looking guy you've ever seen. Gender for some of you I'm sure. You're talking about Elan Sleazerbaggo? That's this character's name.

This character's name is Elan Sleazerbaggo. Yeah, that's the fucking lulu. Sidles up and this is actually his fucking name. That is his fucking name. DARREN- That is his real name. That is the character's name. ALICE- Are you shitting me, dog? What are you-

RILEY- I think it could be something like Sleaze-a-Bagana or something like that, but it's like no matter what- DARREN- It is Sleaze-a-Bagana, sorry, yes. I've just- RILEY- Yeah, so fucking Luigi Mangione walks up to this fucking guy and goes, hey, do you wanna get like a fucking death stick, pal? ALICE- Do you wanna buy some death sticks? RILEY- And he does the like, you don't wanna buy me, you don't wanna sell me death sticks.

You wanna go home and rethink your life. You wanna shoot the CEO of United Healthcare, Brian Johnson. I like this exchange, it's funny. Keep this one. It's like, I want to go home and shoot United Healthcare CEO Brian Johnson. Must kill Brian Johnson. Brian Johnson's the lead man of ACDC, Brian Thompson is the guy who was killed. Oh shit!

Oh fuck. Isn't that the guy who tried to ban video games? Whatever. Kill that guy too. I don't care. Wait, the guy from Law and Order? Sorry, hang on, let me look this up. Keep going.

Oh it is! No, it is! Brian Johnson is the front man of ACDC. Brian Thompson is an actor from The Terminator. Alright, so they try and kill fucking John Bon Jovi or whatever the fuck. Yeah, no, Brian Thompson is the guy. You're right, you're right, sorry. I don't, I don't care.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They send Luigi out there and he gets it fucking done. So the assassin tries to sneak up on Obi-Wan and Obi-Wan spins around and cuts her arm off. They interrogate her. Anakin's like, to everybody else, stay back back Jedi business, just to really hammer in the point that they're just cops. Decobs, yeah. This is one of those loving being able to say that too.

Like, he rotates and uses the lightsaber instantly, and we know that the Jedi have like, force powers with which they can use to de-escalate situations, so he goes for the lightsaber immediately. ALICE Reaching for a Jedi's service lightsaber. LIAM Reaching for it across the room, cause I've got the Force? ZACH This is classic background shit, they've got fucking, this is a sports bar, so a bunch of screens are showing things like speed race,

like um... ALICE Pizark, whatever the fuck. ZACH Like, pod races or things like that. ALICE Troy football. ZACH Pizark. There's a bunch of the screens are showing things like speed race, like um... Pizak! Like pod races or things like that. Droid football! Pizak! There's a bunch of beasts lumbering around on one of the screens, and I wanna know what that is. I wanna know what the beast sport is. That's Animal Planet!

It's a whole planet! Got a 26-way parlay on beasts. I actually, okay, for all my criticisms about rotoscoping in actors or like adding extra shit, some of the like, billboardoping in actors, or like, adding extra shit, some of the like, billboard stuff in Coruscant is really funny. Like there are shots of like, Star Wars alien species just like, big thumbs up on like, billboards and things like that, they're very funny. Oh yeah.

There's a biff as one of the extras, and I go, holy shit is that a biff? That's a biff! Completely unacknowledged. I go, holy shit is that a Biff? That's a Biff! Completely unacknowledged. Except by me, I love acknowledging a Biff. So, I mean, this is the thing about Star Wars, particularly Lucas Star Wars, is that it's so sincerely trying to do world building that it's obviously right for parody. It's where all the like, you know, Blue Harvest Family Guy shit comes from, or like, Robot Chicken or whatever the fuck.

It's very easy to do. It lends itself to a punchline because the whole thing is set up. If you're doing this you can so easily construct a joke out of it of like, yeah you've got the lumbering beasts, you've got the four dimensional chess, one of them is playing college football, and you just don't acknowledge it, that's a joke. That's funny. Yeah, exactly. And so by the same token, you have this interrogation,

and Jedi interrogation is inherently a pretty funny bit, because they're nice guys who don't want to do anything to you, so that all they can really do is go, who hired you? And when they go, and when you go, I don't want to tell you, they go, please? Come on. If you would like to explore this concept in more detail, there is a series called The Acolyte in which they use Jedi mind tricks to interrogate people and it is deeply unethical. Yeah. The guy's fucking helmet is cool. I'm not afraid to say it.

The Acolyte, the design, looks sick. That guy looks fucking cool. It was a good series. Manny was good. Anyway. But so, yeah, I mean, it's the same thing. Whether it's the Acolyte or Andor, that's just a serious interpretation of the same thing, of like, taking this very sincere world building and

being like, well what are the implications of this, what can you do with this? So they get this fucking, like, bounty hunter, and they're like, who hired you? And they go, I'm gonna tell you who hired me in just like two or three seconds, yeah! It's beautiful, die. Beautiful, like, golden eye 64. What happens is she gets shot with the dart that turns you into a winamp skin? Yeah, you get- they say that this person is a changeling, and then they don't actually show them changeling, but that, like, anyway.

She's a shame shifting alien. They die in an adventure or a bug thing or whatever. Turns back into a bug alien. This person's called Zam Wessel, I need to give a shout out, I love the helmet and like veil combination that they've got going on. That's kinda cool. I don't know why they took it down. And they see a guy blasting off a jetpack in the distance, he's obviously the person

who shot it. That guy's fucking Maori. I know that guy's Maori. Yeah. World famous in New Zealand. Looks a bit like Boba Fett from the original trilogy if you know who that is, you might as well go, yooo! NICHOLAS He's wearing a very similar sort of set of armor,

it's Boba Fett, but a different color and cleaner. I dunno. ALICE Weapons are part of his religion. NICHOLAS Cool. Cool. ALICE Like, you know, you set this shit up, it's not even fucking Mandalorian. Anyway.

NICHOLAS You can say this shit, but you can't read it, George. ALICE Cultural appropriation. NICHOLAS So at this point, the Jedi, the Jedi High Council, the Jedi chiefs, they're like, yo, Obi-Wan, track down the bounty hunter who had the assassin assassinated, find out who's behind the plot to kill Senna Tramundala. Anakin, in the meantime I want you to take Padme to the most romantic planet in the world. Do not fuck her, crucially.

If you fuck her, that's gonna be a real problem. Yeah, witness protection to on the fuck planet. Yeah. Space Italy. Space Italy. And on your way go and say hi to Ian McDermott who's definitely not evil and Ian McDermott's like I'm not evil Anakin, I think you're based as fuck. I'm not evil Anakin. I am not evil. Yes, this is cool. And as they're leaving by the way, Senator Ahmed Dala, and this is representative, talks to Jar Jar Binks and goes, you will be acting senator during this period. Jar Jar Binks, you are now in charge of representing Naboo to the Galactic Senate. Thank you.

Next. Yep. What does he say, Def? He goes, Miss Sebastian! Good for him. And good for him. ALICE This is the funniest day in Naboovian history to be surpassed by every subsequent day in Naboovian history.

RILEY Yeah, fucking Naboo, Chappo, Trap House are out there being like, I can't believe we're being represented at the Galaxy Center by Jar Jar fucking Binks. MISS ABBASTIM. ALICE So, I really like the, like, functionalism of some of the stuff of like, well we need to show her packing bags, how would we do that? So she has some weird shaped, like, space Samsonite for one scene. Yeah, it's really good, it's just like, invent some shit for this and someone's gonna have to write a Wikipedia page for it.

Just grab a fucking random prop from the fucking storage room and someone is gonna have to be like, no, that's a kind of thing from like, from the fifth dimension. Pointing at a guy, greeble something. Greeble that shit, now! Stop greebling. She's wearing weirder and weirder hats throughout as well. Padme Amidala, number one step for like going undercover as you pose as a refugee. Definitely never don't wear a crown. You're going to want to be wearing a crown the whole

fucking time. So they're going undercover as a refugee to take civilian transport to Naboo. Anika does not change his hairstyle. He might as well be wearing the fucking cop badge. Like, he's got the Jedi haircut. Guy dressed normal but with a cop hat is like a good bit. Completely undercover except for my cop hat, which I am required to wear at all times. So like, meanwhile Obi-Wan has to go to the 77 trillion year old diner that still makes coffee the old fashioned way.

Well before he does, he voices to Yoda, he's like, I don't think Anakin's ready to go alone on a mission to the fuck planet and not fuck the woman. And he's too arrogant, and Yoda's like, yeah, more and more young Jedi these days are arrogant, they're too much on their damn phones. Which we get this theme that the Jedi don't really know what they're fucking doing anymore. ALICE- Yoda asleep at the fucking wheel is the point of this. RILEY- On their fucking too much, our Jedi. Yeah, no, things like this.

ALICE- So Obi-Wan goes to the old diner. Why is there a diner? Obi-Wan visits the fucking diner, he talks to Dexter Jettster. You gotta eat! He needs Bob from Bob's Burgers. Yeah. But he's got forearms. Ronald Falk, I really thought it was John Goodman for a good couple of seconds, but

it isn't, it's Ronald Falk. Should've been. And this guy, who says the word cloners like a slur is like- SEAN He's like, they're cloners, yeah. ALICE It's like, I don't know if you can be talking like that. I genuinely don't. I don't know what species this guy is. I genuinely don't know if you can be talking like that.

SEAN One of those days when you walk up to a guy, can you inform me if you can be talking like that, white baby, can you let me know? If that's acceptable. But he goes, nah, man, they're all fucking cloners out there. These long neck, long neck ass white boys out in fucking, in the wet planet. The planet is called El Camino. It's called El Camino.

Yeah, absolutely. So he identifies the dart as having come from Kamino, which, I dunno, I would've used a less distinctive weapon, but whatever. But also... Well, you go to war with a dart you have. There's something interesting here, which is that he says, I'm surprised the Jedi Archives couldn't identify it. And again, we get this theme that like, the Jedi are kind of, they don't really know what

they're doing, they're a bit shit. The Jedi seem to, yeah, I really like this. I will say for George Lucas's state, the Jedi seem like a completely stayed power. Like they seem like they've been dominant for long enough that they've forgotten that threats can exist. And I really like that. Like I do like that. This is made explicit in the following scene. Kind of like island gigantism. When Obi-Wan goes to Space Trinity College Library.

He does, yeah. He clogs in to this. Yeah, he goes to the library and he's like, where's the planet Kamino? And the librarian's like, well if it's not on our records it doesn't fuckin' exist, we know everything that's worth knowing. And he's like, that's gotta be bullshit, it should be here somewhere. And then he figures out. I'm gonna go and talk to some five year olds about this.

Yeah, he goes and asks Yoda, in the middle of teaching his class. And because it's Star Wars, the person who says no has like a fucking whole Wikipedia page called Jocasta New. She's got a whole lot of biology and everything. But she goes, no man, if the fucking records don't have it, it doesn't exist. Shut up. So he goes to Yoda's class of younglings, who are all wearing the like training helmet from Star Wars?

Yeah. Don't get attached to these younglings, they're fucking fucked. They're fucked soon. And these younglings are like, you know, favorite activity not being cut apart with lightsabers. So like... Honest to God, mine too. Firs fir. I mean, to be fair, Obi-Wan pulls a great piece of Jedi smugness here, because as we

know Jedi are the smuggest power in the universe, right, if only there was a show investigating this. And he goes, I don't know the answer to this thing, so I'm gonna present this as a teaching problem to children, and then when they solve it, go like, yeah, great job, that's exactly what I was thinking. So he goes, this planet, it should be here, fantastic case of- All the gravity effects are right, right, like, it should be here, but it isn't. The relational location of this is really funny if you think about it in Space Tales, where he says it should be here, just south of the

Rishi Maze. What does south mean in this context? SIR? DARREN Full disclosure, I feel like I was trapped in a Rishi Maze for about three years. ALICE Yeah, I think we all were. LIAM We've gone south since then, sir. ALICE Going to Wikipedia for the concept of south, what did you mean by that?

What do you mean by that? It's a galaxy map. You mean below the fucking ecliptic. Anyway. Yeah, but so this kid who's just named Liam, yeah Liam, is like, yes, it's probably where you think it is. Yeah, well like, if it's there, maybe it was deleted from the archives. Someone deleted it from the Jedi archives, but only a Jedi could have deleted it.

And Yoda goes, that's fascinating. Anyway. That's fucked up. Fucked up. I'm gonna get madder at Yoda as we get on, but at this point, Yoda is fine. I'll talk to you about Yoda later. There's also a point, sorry, where fucking Obi-Wan is like a droid racist, where he like says to Dexter Jester, like, I don't know if I have the rest of this statement,

but he just says, if droids could think X. We'd all be out of a word. You're besties with like four of them! You know droids can think! Yeah. You used one of them as a star projector! Yeah. But so, meanwhile, Anakin is like doing...

Whole time, Anakin is like doing- Yeah, whole time. Anakin is going romance mode. Anakin has negative Riz. He's so pathetic. My man is a Riz vacuum. He's not just, he's not there yet, they're still pretending to be refugees. They haven't arrived on the fuck planet yet. One thing we do see, just for some reason, again, we love to do this, we love to introduce

one thing that has so many fucking implications, and then not think about it, we see a droid get refused service at a kind of droid segregated lunch counter? Which, what was it going there for? What? What, did they want fucking sausage? What are you fucking sausage? What are you talking about? Why is there, I mean, okay, there's anti-droid race, there's gonna be a prestige series investigating

this with a bunch of character actors playing the droids. There is. Yeah, it's called Solo, a Star Wars tale, where like, the fucking droid has like a droid uprising and then afterwards they're like, okay, let's go back to imagining that this is stupid. ALICE We see Anakin falling into one of the classic pitfalls of any religion, I've done this, of being like, well, maybe if I do my own interpretation of the tenets of the thing, I can basically do what I want, that's fine, right?

That's not gonna get me in trouble with anyone. Yeah. The Jedi code is getting pussy leads to jealousy, jealousy leads to fear, fear leads to a dark side, etc. Things of this nature. You can't have attachment or possession, but you are supposed to have compassion. And Anakin tries to like... Compassion for the pussy. Yeah. Anakin's like, well I can have compassion for your pussy maybe.

And pardon me if it says you're making me uncomfortable. Yeah, he can't stop talking. I had this written down. He gives off such like, your little brother's friend vibes. Like, he's been obsessed with you since he was 13 and he saw you in a bikini for the first time and he can't stop. He's coming around all the time. This is a classic thing. He's 19 years old and he's only ever socialised with Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he's a complete fucking kissing virgin. He's like, of course he's a weird little fuckered creep, also he's been told that he's all powerful

and it's gonna save the universe. He's like, of course he's a fucking weirdo. They go to the fuck planet, which is like, glomo. Space Venice. Everyone's worried about space Brexit. The new Queen says the day we stop believing in democracy is the day we lose it, and I'm like, hmm. Live shit. Live shit. You get a physical shot for the first time in the day we stop believing in democracy is the day we lose it, and I'm like, hmm. Live shit.

Live shit. You get a physical shot for the first time in your entire movie and it looks like leather grey is better than anything else. You see like a physical set and you're like, whoa! Because all the rest has been computer. Yeah. They're hanging out next to space like Como. Yeah, Anakin launches into his classic...

This is where we get the sand. The sand moment. I hear sand, it's rough, it's coarse, it, Como. RIght, Anakin launches into his classic. This is where we get the sand. I hate sand, it's rough, it's coarse, it gets everywhere. He grew up on Tatooine, of course he hates sand, makes sense. Like, you hate from time. Maybe. Yeah, it's just that there are, y'know, that line was much mocked. And it's like, yeah, it could have been written better, is why it rings falsely to people, you know?

But... They kiss, and Padme pulls away. And they're like, they're starting to develop some chemistry, like the scene where they're by the waterfalls and they're chatting politics is actually, you know, starting to get on a little bit. Chatting politics is fun, because first of all, they clearly do not teach civics at the Jedi Academy. No. Because he's like, yeah, what if there was just a dictator not me though

But like what if there was like a cool guy who could just figure it all out, you know, like these fucking politicians Yeah, you know, I like one politician. Hmm. The whole Anakin like so cool So funny cuz he's like he spends the whole time being like... Well, here's a direct quote. I don't think the system works. Yeah, man, definitely. He says that, and he meets a bunch of guys, and the guy says something like... I fear the Senate is powerless to resolve this crisis. This is his whole time.

Is he spending the time being like, I want to get pussy A. B, democracy doesn't work. C... It's like 90% of young men now. The Darth Vader leitmotif is sneaking its way into the fucking soundtrack right now. Oh, yeah, no, they're paraphrasing that shit like crazy. Yeah, this movie was ahead of its fucking time. Like, he cannot walk past something without like, you know, the shadow of Vader behind

him, Vader's theme, a trash can falls on his head and it looks kinda like the Vader helmet, uh, he's like, you know, casually in conversation like, his head and it looks kinda like the Vader helmet, he's like, you know, casually in conversation, like, oh man, it would suck if I got all my arms and legs cut off and thrown into some lava. It's not subtle, it's a movie for children. He's on his way to some incel shit, like, he's listening to Space Joe Rogan. He actually is, he's the first father, he is properly a space incel. They don't want me to get pussy.

They don't want me to get pussy, cause they want me to be cucked, Obi-Wan wants me to be cucked cause he's jealous of me. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is going to the pissing down with rain planet El Camino. Sorry, there's one more thing I want to highlight, one there by the fireplace, and Anakin's just like, I'm totally in love with you and I desperately need to get pussy. Natalie Portman's like, we can't do that. I shouldn't have kissed you. She is wearing a leather corset and bead choker. And I'm like, girl, you know that this guy has never fucked. He is down outrageous. He wants to, he's like busting already. Just looking at

you. You can't be wearing that shit around him, you are teasing this man. Look, this man is down so bad that he is going to change the fucking history of the galaxy. This is true. You need to settle. I think these discourses of like leading men on by clothing are like totally great. Anyway. Yeah, it was her fault because she was dressed like a slut. I have a trans feminist analysis of this movie. Anyway, so there's-

Oh good, I've been looking at that. We are intercutting these two things, Obi-Wan and Anakin. We'll get rid of all of Anakin stuff too, he like, levitates pears at her. Yeah. They have zero chemistry, by the way. He does a bit where he pretends to be thrown from a... nerf? And killed? It's not a nerf, it's...

I don't know what a nerf is. He rides a Nubian animal and then, like, it's laughing, they're in the fields, it's pretty... Yeah, he gets onto, like, a big-ass kind of, like, local animal and gets thrown off there, don't worry. Functionally to me this is a nerf, but, like, his deal is like, ah, I'm dead, and, you know, Padme goes to, like, check on him and falls in love with him a bit. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan is going to the pissing down with rain planet El Camino. ALICE Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. ALICE Where he is met by a couple of very long-necked people who are like... ALICE I might not say, these aliens look like trans models do now, cause they're all just like really tall and really thin and have really big eyes. ALICE Purple skin? ALICE Yeah, sure.

Yeah, whatever. ALICE But I just think this is kind of an unhealthy role model to be fitting forward, you know. It is. It is. I like that one TikTok by the one, uh, where the one alien trans woman that's like, you gotta eat, you know, but it's ice cream, whatever. I'm hitting on one of these aliens on a flight not realizing she's a famous model. Um, anyway.

But so, but so they go, oh, you're from the Jedi, cool. Uh, we've, we've almost finished the army of clones you ordered. You, the Jedi order, ordered. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ten years ago, Jedi Master Cypher Diaz placed an order for a clone army. I know everyone's like, that's weird, Cypher Diaz has been dead for like, 11 years. Yeah, he's like, dude, you got an authorization for like, 11 years. ALICE Yeah, he's like, you got an authorization for this clone army? You got a license for this clone army? ZOE We paid you for this?

ALICE Absolutely twisted checking your My Orders section being like, clone army? What the fuck? When did I do this? ZOE Did nobody notice the funds being transferred for this? ALICE Listen, sometimes you can just fuck around and you can get on the internet and you can buy a clone army, and, y'know, these things happen. What you're gonna wanna do is you're gonna wanna hit that 30 day returns, you're gonna package up the clone army, and it's just a QR code now, it's surprisingly easy, and then

you just send that right back, it's all good. Just get on the thing, just be like, I'm not gonna be home for my clone army getting delivered, alright, you can leave it in a safe place. Space Parliament haven't even had the vote yet to whether or not we're gonna have a clone army. We tried to reach you to deliver your clone army, like a photo of a clone army. Bullshit, I was in, it's Coruscant, everyone is always in! I watched you fucking fly past me. I was at home. Be thrown across the fence. What do you mean I wasn't on the planet at the time? I was on the planet all day.

Classic problem, honest to god. So Obi-Wan goes into the parking lot, and essentially what he does, this is a beautiful piece of like, operational security, is he goes into the parking lot on speakerphone and goes hey have you guys heard about something called a manhattan project do you guys know anything about a man like it's a secret clone army are you guys aware of this i got some clones going out here?" RILEY And the Jedi are like, no, we didn't order a fucking clone army, no. DARREN Yeah, no. RILEY Obi-Wan also learns that all the clones are clones

of a bounty hunter named Jango Fett. DARREN Yeah, he meets him. He meets him. And his young son, they both have New Zealand accents, which we appreciate. RILEY Oh my god, you've caught me for doing... I've been cloned. Unhooking your bra, your tits are fantastic. Sorry, god, that got me sick. Your tits are fun, Puff.

You're looking good, man. You're looking good, man. You're looking good. Um, yeah, and... And Obi-Wan's like, you ever done any crimes? And Jango's like, no. Obi-Wan's like, hey man, you must remember Sifo-Dyas, the Jedi Master, who hired you to do this. And Jango replies... I was recruited by a man called Tyrannus on one of the moons of Bogdun. Yeah, totally. Totally, brother. Lines. That's script writing.

That is explained later on. Check this out. Me when I've just been Shanghai to serve on the Russian front. I was recruited by a man called Bogdun. That's cool. There is quite a cool reveal that when the clone army are in uniform, they kind of look like proto stormtroopers. Yeah.

Kind of look like stormtroopers. It's weird. I like if stormtroopers were all New Zealand, yeah. Every stormtrooper is Kiwi, that's canon, that is canon. That's fucking canon. I can't remember this actor's name, but like, big salute to this guy. He is the guy who played Boba Fett as well. He also voices all of the clones in all of the animations, like, he just, he took this role and just ran with it.

He would, wouldn't he? His name is Tamura Morrison. He does a great job. Hell yeah. Shout out to you. Yeah, it's kind of like, um, uh, playing fucking... What's the guy's name in Dune? The uh, uh, none important, we'll go past it.

Anyway. So. I could have gotten that. But that's fine. name in Dune the... uh, not important, we'll go past it, anyway. So. The guy who dies all the time and keeps getting cloned back, what's his fucking name in Dune? Oh yeah, um, shit. Duncan Idaho. Yeah. Yeah, it's like Duncan Idaho, right? If you're cast to play Duncan Idaho, you will have a job for the rest of your life, right?

Because you're always coming back. Which is crazy, because the guy that they did cast to play Duncan Idaho cannot fucking act next to- Jason Momoa! Yes! Fucking yes! Jason Momoa! Did you see Dune?

Yes! Come on! I quite like Jason Momoa's performance, I liked him in a lot of things actually, I think he's good. Whatever, whatever. Yeah, but, so, yeah, he has the kind of Duncan Idaho thing, where like, anytime they need a clone, they gotta get that guy. Job guarantee.

RILEY We got a Maori guy's DNA on fucking Locke, alright. You want a clone? Here he is. I'll head over to Locke's clone. DARREN Oh, the one's like, you ever done crimes? And he's like, no, and also I have to leave suddenly. ALICE Just asking the newly born Maori clone whether he knows someone who's famous from New Zealand,

like, do you know Jermaine Clement? And just resignedly being like, yes. Yes, obviously I know Jermaine Clement. What about South Africa, though? As Jango is trying to fly away, Obi-Wan tries to chase him, they have a bit of a fight, Jango has a silly missile on his backpack. Yeah, he has the fucking central missile on his backpack, which is so fucking funny. Obi-Wan loves dangling from things. He's spent so much of this movie dangling from stuff, which is not something that you saw in Alec Guinness's performance. He barely dangled from

anything. In fact, he fucked up when he could have been dangling. He should have shimmied around and stuff. Yeah, I need to see more dangling Ale against... Meanwhile, back on the fuck planet. Back on the fuck planet. Anakin is like, doing his first day of standing normally lessons, he's not doing a great job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's had a nightmare about his mum, innit? Yes.

He is, he has non-stop nightmares about his mum, he's like, oh shit, Shmee. Shmee is in danger. And he's like, my mum Shmee is in danger on Tatooine. His name is Shmee is in danger on Tatooine. We gotta go back to Tatooine. Even though I was told to stay here. In space Italy. And I was also told to let my mother go.

I know it's canonically a backwater, but don't worry, for the eighth movie in a row we have to go to Tatooine. Stop going to Tatooine! There's nothing interesting on Tatooine. I don't care if you call it Jakku. That was the point of it! Alright. Yeah, what if it was Jakku instead?

What if it was identical but we called it something else? No! Stop going to a desert planet just because there was one in Star Wars! Stop it! It's not good. Desert planet. Easy to shoot on. But so...

Desert planet. We filmed this in Tunisia. It's a desert planet. Easy to shoot on. But so... Desert planet. We filmed this in Tunisia. Alright, here we go. Yeah. Go back to Tatooine, and they have to meet Watto. They have to meet Watto. Yes.

A person who is racially coded in a way that I'm not interested in getting into. Yeah. He's blue. He's blue. I don't know what's going on. Can we say extremely anti-semitic stereotype here? No matter what. And be done with it?

This is very anti-semitic. Not my place to say, I don't think. Fucking what. The one other thing I remember about Watto, and this in itself is extremely anti-semitic, is in reference to those Dool and Kindness-y Star Wars illustrated things, you know how they do the thing of like, here's a concept of of the thing, we've labeled it, so we're like, here's the Stormtroopers blaster, here's what this equipment does, the one for Wasso highlights his head and captions it, mind focused on profits. LUL

And... Oh dear. With his fucking broad brimmed black hat. He is an anti-semitic caricature of the highest fucking order. He's an unhappy merchant. Watto is crazy. Watto is not good. I don't want to get into him, but no matter what, bad.

He's Anakin's former owner, because Tatooine has slavery, so he used to own Anakin and his mum, and Anakin's like, where's me fucking mum, mate? I'm a cop now, I'll fuck you up. But he's like, I sold your mum, alright, I sold your mum to a man by the name of Klee Glaz. Alright, he's a moisture farmer. Just, Klee Glaz moisture farmer, in and and of itself is like a vintage piece of Star Wars. FARM is like...

Moisture. Someone's gotta! I guess so! So, yeah, so, Anakin goes to the fucking moisture farm. And hey, it's Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's fucking house from Star Wars Episode IV! Yeah. The gay robot that he built, C-3PO, is there looking scuffed as hell. ZACH This is crazy, it's actually fucked up that

C-3PO and Archie have been apart for like, decades. ALICE Yeah. I mean, it's real kind of like everything everywhere all at once, you know. In other life I would have loved carrying the Death Star Plans around with you. So they drink some blue milk, which is, you know, fine. And then we meet Klee Glaz, who introduces himself with what became a vocal stim for me very quickly. I've got it, I've got it. Klee Glaz. Shmee is my wife.

Klee Glaz. Shmee is my wife. Shmee is my wife. Shmee is my wife. Klee Glars. Shmee is my wife. Shmee is my wife. Shmee is my wife. Shmee is my wife. Shmee her pronouns. Hey. Shmee is my wife. Her pronouns about to be was, were, cause she was kidnapped. Oh, she's gone.

She was kidnapped by Tusken Raiders. They lost 26 men trying to get her back. I'm like, dog, those raiders kicked your ass. Yeah, no, you got owned by the Tusken Raiders, they lost 26 men trying to get her back, I'm like dog, those raiders kicked your ass. Yeah, no, you got owned by the Tusken Raiders, pal, sorry. They actually wanted her back, so he's like, alright Klee Glass, it's fine, I will get your shmee back. He goes outside, he hugs Padme, against the, y'know, and the shadow against the fucking heart looks like Darth Vader, heart looks like Darth Vader.

It looks like Darth Vader. It's cool. Does it? Yeah, it does. It's meant to look like Darth Vader, plus the Darth Vader theme. Be like, yo, that's Darth Vader. Oh my god, he's gonna be Darth Vader. Yeah.

So we get some sick music, some red skies, it's cool. He tears off into the sunset to find his mom, angrily. He goes to speak to some Jawas about it, which, bro, do you speak Jawanese? Like what are you doing here? He grew up on Tatooine, probably. This is one of those moments where you see George Lucas as like, met a guy who can do skyboxes. And it's like, put him in a movie.

Put him in a movie, he's post-hot. Throw some fuckin' skies into this movie. Mm. OB1 has to go to the next location too, at this point. WhichICE Uh, Obi-Wan has to go to next location too, at this point. Which is, uh, fucking Geonosis. RILEY Geonosis. RILEY It is.

ALICE Which is the goth planet. RILEY Yes. This is, um, a sort of, like, rocky planet, it's inhabited by kind of bug guys... That's all you don't know. ALICE They build the battle droids here. You know, the ones with the weirdly Brooklyn accent from episode one, underwater villages, those guys? Those guys come out of here.

Yeah, I've been getting searched for at these rumored underwater villages. Rumored underwater villages. Also a vocal stem, thank you for that. Underwater villages. Shmears my wife. So they go out to the droid factory. Yeah, so Obi-Wan discovers that the space brexiteers are here, led by Christopher Lee, and they are building their own fuckin' army, they're getting ready for war! Yeah.

Yeah, he listens in on their conference, which is like, the Trade Federation supports the Separatism. It's the Separatists, they're called the Trade Federation, the Banking Clan, which is evocative, just for a race name. Yes, mind focused on profit. I love, one of them is the Techno Union, and the Techno Union guy looks like a robot, he's the only one we see. He looks like a fuckin' tooth, he goes, the Techno Union army, eeeewww, is at your disposal

count, why'd he touch that, he sounded fine to begin with? I don't know why he fucked with the thing. Next question. The Techno Union. What's up with these guys? What's going on? They love listening to Techno. I'm excited for the prestige show that's really gonna get to grips with what's going on with the Techno Union. It's cool that the only way you can get one of those shows made is within the prism of something that was mentioned in a Star Wars movie, kind of tossed off of...

This guy's name is Wat Tambor. I'm looking this up now. He's from the Techno Union. Excited for Tambor, a Star Wars story. That's the only way you can get something made now. Everyone in the Techno Union is a DJ. Hey hey, I'll have you know, Tambor, a Star Wars story was fucking great. Yeah, that's the thing, they're all weirdly good, but like, I'm not thrilled with the monopoly. It's like, yeah. I'm really looking forward to Tambor Season 2.

Why is this cornering the market on, yeah, anyway. So, um. Whatever. Yeah, it just, they make a lot of movies, they make a lot of series, and then quietly they make the best fucking TV series of 2020. Just... One way out, I'm sorry. Crazy.

Meanwhile, Anakin commits genocide. Yes. Yes he does. Anakin finds out that his mom was taken captive by the Tusken Raiders. Tusken Raiders. Who were gonna menace her. He finds her. She's like, tied up with leather straps.

Yeah, and then he just like, starts moving. Having been menaced. She has like two little cuts and then dies of plot in his arms. She goes, my name is Shmee, I'm Cleague, Lars's wife. Yeah, Shmee, Cleague, Lars's wife. You know? Shmee is my wife. And Zendaya is my...

Is it the moisture farmer, Cleague? His wife, Shmee? You're familiar? Shmee is my wife. And Zendaya was my wife. The moisture farmer Klee? His wife Shmee? You're familiar? So Shmee fucking dies. Shmee fucking dies. Bereaving Klee glass in his moisture farm. Yeah. Was turning him into a widower. Yeah. Shmee is my... I'm Shmee's widower. Shmee's my late wife. Yeah. Shmi is my...

I'm Shmi's widower. Shmi's my late wife. So, so, then, and she's, her dying words are like, don't become Darth Vader. Shmi was also a slave. Shmi was a slave, yeah. She goes, she goes, don't become Darth Vader. Yeah, Watto's out a slave now. Like, he's fucked, but so, um, at this point...

Well, he's living on the street. I don't know what not- what his problem is, I don't wanna get into it. Anakin starts killing people. Yeah. He does. He does. Uh, but he, like, kills everybody in the thing, and then comes back to Padme to cry about it. He goes, uh, I killed everyone. All of this happened, to be clear, all of this happened because Liam Neeson was too cheap to buy his mum Shmee.

He just bought Annie! On a two for one offer, basically. What are you doing? Like, you could've, you could've, you could've bought the kid's mum! Even then he would've had to leave his mum behind, because you have to leave your family to join the Jedi. Yeah, but she could've at least gotten like a little like, like, bed-sit on Coruscant, or whatever, you know?

Yeah, she could've, yeah, retired. 1300 PCM, no problem. By the way, he like wraps her body up in the same leather straps and like brings her back on speed and like drops her off. And Klee Glars is like, goodbye my darling wife. Dude, you bought her as a slave! And freed her! Bought this woman, then freed her and married her.

Pow! That's not romantic! Dude, we're not, we're taking down that statue of Klee married her. Pow. That's not romantic. We're not, we're taking down that statue of Klee Glass. He was not a good guy. I don't think the university hall should be named after him anymore. Tatooine doesn't have a university. Okay, sure. He had a lot of books.

Fine. But we don't think about the consequences of these things. We're tearing down the Klee Glass building. It's over. All right. Anakin tells Padme that he committed genocide. She takes this pretty well. She does. We're tearing down the Klee Glass building, it's over. Anakin tells Padme that he committed genocide. She takes this pretty well. She does, yeah.

He goes, oh, I killed them all. This is the classic one. The women, the children too, and then you hear the Darth Vader leitmotif start sneaking into the fucking soundtrack. And she's like, being angry is human, and I'm like, I don't know if it's a fucking line, babe. Hold on, did you hear what he said? How down bad are you?

For real? For this, like, virgin 19 year old dick? Girl, no, you're a senator, you can do better. You're space AOC. So, Obi-Wan gets fucking captured by Christopher Lee, and he puts him in a kind of, like, he just kind of puts him in a suspended thing and rotates him very gently, which is really funny because he's talking to him the whole time and he's not moving. So Obi-Wan's just like slipping, he's like slipping out of Obi-Wan's face. He's like,

where, where, one second, I'm going to come back to you. Just rotate around. Luke- Yeah, slowly rotating him is so disrespectful. ALICE It's funny, Obi-Wan's rotating and then Christopher Lee is walking around the other way, counter Obi-Wan-wise, so we get this cool silly spinning thing. RILEY Yeah, Christopher Lee, he's got his script and then he's got the second script, he was handed by George two years after the fact, that there's like, oh, I was a Padawan to Yoda, he was my master beforehand, and things like that. Yeah, you can see this on Dooku, a Star Wars story.

His name is Dooku. Christopher Lee does fuckin' boss this scene. He's very good at pretending to be a good guy, he's like, obviously this is all just a terrible misunderstanding, I hate to be imprisoning you right now. By the way, the Senate are super corrupt, which is why we're doing space Brexit. They're corrupt because they're under the control of a dark Sith Lord named Darth Sidious. He's secretly running the show. And then Obi-Wan's like, bull shit. Obi-Wan's like, I don't fucking believe you. And wrong. I would say Dooku and Sifo Diaz,

who is the name of the guy that like, the fake Jedi that like, started the Clone Wars army or whatever. Both Dooku and Saifo Diaz in Portuguese mean like, something very untoward. So in Brazilian Portuguese this was changed. In Portuguese Portuguese this was left completely unchanged. Which I really respect. ALICE. Also, I should be clear, an hour forty forty five in, still no attack of the clones.

RILEY Where are the clones? Can they attack? Well we've seen them, we're ready for them to attack. RILEY Obi-Wan is like, don't worry, the space senate are never gonna pass space brexit and create the space clone army, it's never gonna happen. And Dooku's like, don't be so fucking sure. And we see that meanwhile back at space parliament, everyone's like, fuck, space brexit's a serious crisis, we need a kind of army, but the Senate's never gonna vote for it. We're going to have

to give the space president supreme emergency powers. Yeah. To declare martial law. This is worth noting. So they fucking have this discussion, right? Like they have this sort of like Palpatine and his three boys, one of whom is sort of like a hot woman. One of whom is a guy who has, he's sort of like a twilight guy, right, he's got all this stuff. Ideal circle. Ideal circle. Perfect blunt rotation. Anyway, he's going, I...

Perfect death stick rotation! Perfect death stick rotation. Anyway, he's going, listen man, oh it would be, only a really cool guy would give us the sort of like, powers to have our own army. Only a really cool senator, and then we zoom in on fucking Jar Jar Binks, Jar Jar Binks, who is going... Mesa thinking Mesa gonna like, allow for the establishment of the Galactic Empire. Yeah. Imagine that being in the history books for the rest of time as, like, key figure in the

foundation of the fucking empire. Key. Central. He proposed the enabling act. Jar Jar Binks gets up there as his acting fucking senator self and goes, Misa proposed that we make him the emperor. And everyone goes, woo! And they do!

Not yet! He's not the emperor yet. He gets given supreme executive powers and he says, thank you very much, first job, like job number one, I'm creating a clone army. I will get round to more evil stuff in the sequel. He also promises to be since an artist. He's like, I will lay down these powers as soon as the crisis is abated. He does, yeah.

I love democracy, I'm cool still. But also I'm creating an album. I will become the galactic Cincinnati's. It's baby's first dictator stuff. Yeah. Obi-Wan managed to get a message to Anakin just before he was kidnapped by Chris Filly, he's like, yo! Don't come and rescue me, tell the Jedi to do it instead.

But then Anakin and Padme are like, fuck that shit, and they roll off into Geonassis. Yeah, Padme makes him, interestingly. She's the one who's like, well, you've gotta protect me, so if I go, then you've gotta come with me. They have a kind of sequence in the droid factory, which is deeply stupid. I preferred it a lot better in Chicken Run. I just wrote a lot of silly bullshit happening. Yes!

Yeah. Anakin fucking slaughters these Geonosians, like he cuts motherfuckers in half! I'll say this about the factory. All of this is rotoscoped, there are no wide shots, you don't know where anything is in relation to each other, it's a very confusing sequence to follow. It is. R2-D2 has like, rockets as a retcon. Yeah, R2-D2 is doing his sort of bullshit.

He saves Padme from getting melted, but then they get captured. And they get taken to the Coliseum to be executed. In front of some kind of beast firing squad, which is a really funny dynamic, because they line up three distinct beasts while they're tied to columns. This is also where you get the obligatory I have a bad feeling about this, and it's like of course you have a bad feeling about this, dude, you're being executed. That's one of the key points of being executed, is to make you have a bad feeling about this. But just before they get let out into the coliseum, Padme's just like, I gotta tell you

something, even though you're a weird fascist virgin dork, I am actually down outrageous for you. I am un-fucking-believing. And it's a real shame we got captured, cause like, I just wanna like, S that Darth right now, and it's a pity, but I love you and they kiss. It's like, I don't know, when did she fall in love with him? Seems weird. Meanwhile, a whole time C-3PO is making noises like an edged British twink. It's unfucking

believable. He's like walking through this fucking- I edged British twinks that didn't make voices like this? What are you- Oh dear. Oh gosh. Oh no. Oh gosh. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. Who are you edging? Young Stephen Fry? Yeah, well, yes, first of all. This whole fucking time is making noises. Oh gosh, my goodness. Oh gosh, oh no.

Oh dear. Actually, wait, no, I have edged something. Okay, mm, okay, mm, right, well anyway. So aside from this... We've all edged it. You've edged it, twinks. Alright, let's see here. Dooku's up on the platform, he's like, yeah, the Geonosians are here, Jango Fett has brought

his kid to work, like Elon Musk? Yeah, don't bring your kid to the execution, that's not appropriate. He's like, brought his kid, he's like, check this shit out, you know, he's cool. Obi-Wan's here too, he's like, yeah, nice job rescuing me dipshits. Yeah, cool everyone, great stuff. I will say- They released the space beasts? Yeah, they released the beasts. First we got three beasts here, first of all.

We've got big kind of cow style guy. Sort of like a red, big horns. Red cow, space cow, space rhino. We've got a sort of green six legged insect beast kind of creature. This is my favourite. Yeah. Then we've got the space tiger. Space tiger scratches Natalie Portman and gives her a very stylish crop top. Yeah.

First of all, I will say, I've talked shit about George Lucas a lot, the bit where the space tiger scratches Natalie Portman and gives her a perfect crop top, you're cooking. You're cooking, brother. Yeah. That's funny. He was cooking there, yeah. No, you're talking. That one's good. Keep're cooking, brother. That's funny. Yeah, he was cooking there, yeah. No, you're talking. That one's good.

Keep it going with that. But they break out of their cuffs and they use the space beasts to kill some of their guards. Small geonosians get gone. Specifically, it's like Padme who leads the escape, which sets up some hereditary layer stuff later on. And finally, at an hour fifty-six, the clones attack.

Not yet! Not yet! No, fuck! When will the clones attack? The clones will never attack, we'll get there. So they kill the... well, they don't kill the beasts, so they get away from the beasts, and then the droids roll up to finish the job, and Count Dooku's like, nice try motherfuckers, but you're still gonna get executed.

At which point Samuel L. Jackson appears, and is like, hey I've got a lightsaber and a bunch of Jedi cops, the FBI raid the Colosseum planet. ALICE Yeah, little Jedi windbreaker. RILEY Yeah, that would go so hard! ALICE Oh my god, hold on. RILEY A windbreaker with Jedi on it? ALICE The Jedi is really good. RILEY Shit, that rules.

ALICE Cover it, cover it, cut his leg. RILEY We get a bit of a droids vs Jedi fight, in which Samuel L. Jackson cuts Jango's head off in front of his kid. And even Christopher Lee has a reaction shot where he's like, ooh fuck. Yeah, getting, getting, that's a good origin story actually, I like this, getting your dad fully decaffeinated by a Jedi in front of you is like, that's not bad. The Jedi get surrounded by the droids, and then it looks like they're toast, they can't do it, because like, okay, again, you are all gonna die, death oath, this time for real.

ALICE All the droids are like underwater villages, and at that moment, then... ALICE Underwater villages! Then the clones attack! ALICE It's a real war of accents here. RILEY Yoda rolls up, and he goes, around the survivors a perimeter create!' Which is not the kind of thing Yoder should be saying.

He's a mischievous swamp guy and he shouldn't be a general in charge of an army. Well, exactly, so they don't just do an evac at this point, they start the Civil War. They do airstrikes and shit. They just absolutely annihilate a bunch of Dino-tions. As the Trade Federation ships are fleeing, Obi-Wan orders the clones to open fire on them. And I'm like, the whole movie, you were like, I hope it doesn't come to civil war.

And they're like, fucking get some. Yeah, the second- The pull of the door gunner speaks to us all. He rolls up with his clones, all of which have like special sort of infantry equipment, the big ships of which look suspiciously close to the sort of like big ships of the Empire. Star Destroyers. Yeah, classic Star Destroyer type shit. And Yoda, and I will fucking say this for fun, Yoda says this. Concentrate all your fire on the nearest starship First of all, speak backwards cunt what are you talking about?

You hysteron proseron motherfucker do the thing He does sound very strained when he says that I don't know if I'm imagining but that is like the strain of saying it normal No he's saying it backwards to him, he's getting like, he's developing a kind of reversal in his own speech to him. That sounds fucked up. But they don't just do a kind of like lay down covering fire, they start the war, like they do not hesitate to let it buzz. I'm also not thrilled by the fact that the Trade Federation guys all have Japanese accents.

NICHOLAS I will say, we get a clip of Nuke Gunray, and he says the following. NUKE GUNRAY This is not looking good at all. NICHOLAS Which I agree. ALICE Thank you, Nuke Gunray. NICHOLAS Additionally, the second guy next to him speaks normal. Which, so, what is he doing?

ALICE Oh, okay, yeah. NICHOLAS There was a really funny line, like, way back earlier on in the first third, where somebody says it's a travesty that, like, Newt Gunray has been tried by the Galactic Senate four times and is still head of the Trade Federation. Yeah, there's been four impeachment proceedings against Newt Gunray. Just because of his accent, he's still done it. I'd like to see old Newt wrangle his way out of this one.

Yeah, nevertheless. He won't stop doing the fucking accent. we're trying to get him to stop. That's what the impeachments were for. Newt Gunray, by the way, a combination of Newt Gringrich and fucking, uh, Reagan. Michael Gunray. That's a classic combination there. Yeah, thank you, George. Thank you, George.

Thank you, George. He does get brutally murdered in the third one, though, so. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he does, no sweat about that. So, this is more of an attack with the clones than an attack of the clones. The clones attack, but it's sort of like, yeah, it's allowed. Stuff keeps happening to kind of sell toys. You get this really insanely stupid thing where one of the Geonosians sort of wanders

over and in his, like, accent he's talking about, like, oh, we need to, like, I've got all my elite troops to hide, we need to hide that we're gonna create the Death Star. ALICE The plans, the plans, we gotta hide these plans for the Death Star. RILEY Which is insanely fucking stupid, because Andor is right, the Death Star is like an expensive boondoggle that fucked the Empire over. It's not like their ultimate plan is to create the Death Star is like, an expensive boondoggle that fucked the Empire over. It's not like their ultimate plan is to create the Death Star. ALICE Also for their day one plan to be the Death

Star, rather than like... RILEY Yeah, like they're still doing separatist shit and they're like, down the line we are hoping to create the Death Star! You know, like, what are you talking about? No you aren't. SONIA Unless, like, every side was trying to build the Death Star and it's like the A-bomb, there's just a Death Star race happening. It's like Chichen Itza in fucking Civ 3.

Everyone wants to build the Death Star as fast as possible. Space Robert Oppenheimer is like working on the fusion engines or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my proof of genuine problem with this is that like it doesn't make any fucking sense for them for their ultimate plan to be constructing the Death Star. Which, y'know, I got problems. ALICE There's a bit of a chase, they catch up with

Dooku, and we have this lightsaber duel in which Obi-Wan gets kind of like knocked down and then Anakin- RILEY Well first of all, Anakin charges in first because he's hot headed. He gets hit with sith lightning. He gets like fuckin' lightened and he falls to his side. And then Dooku and Obi-Wan have a duel. Dooku fuckin' loves this shit, he's doing little flourishes.

He's got a special lightsaber, because every cunt has a special lightsaber. You put me in the Jedi Academy, I'm asking for normal style lightsaber. Just to be like, you know, did you, you like fucking. He's a duelist. That's why they kicked him out. Is cause he loves fucking dueling. He loves that shit. It's so much of what a Jedi fucking does, you know, work within the system. He's a master of form two lightsaber combat and that's not a problem with him at all. That's part of the plot. But regardless, he can't fucking do it, he keeps being like...

Okay, okay, sorry, hold on. He wins this fucking lightsaber duel against Obi-Wan. Fair's fair. He kicks his ass. Yoda walks in. Now in the movie that I remember watching as a child- He kicks Anakin's ass again. Just for good-

Yoda starts fighting him straight away. But that's not the case in this sort of extended edition that I ended up watching for this podcast. No, this was always in there. Yoda... Yoda and his but- well, I don't recall it, but that's... might be the fallibility of memory, regardless. But Yoda- I hate the fallibility of memory. Yoda walks in there and he goes, I'm about to start lightsaber fighting you, and Dooku goes, fuck you, and starts throwing scrap at him.

ALICE Yeah, they do start throwing garbage at each other for a while. RILEY And they try to bring the roof down on him, but instead it's like three medium sized rocks, and they're like forcing it apart from each other the whole time, and then you get the classic. It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force. But by our skills with a lightsaber. That was Christopher Lee by the way saying that, that was Christopher fucking Lee. Why do we need to see Yoda with a lightsaber?

His deal was that he was a little weird mystic man. Yoda draws his lightsaber and he makes the Yoda noise, which is this. And I love the Yoda noise so much. Yeah. Everyone who grew up with fucking like the Lego Star Wars, this is the death noise that Yoda makes. And it took me so out to hear it. Really good. Really, really good. The problem here is that our two main characters are lying on the floor beaten, and they are not achieving any kind of character arc through action.

This should have been the other way around. You should have had Yoda come in first, get beaten, and then Obi-Wan and Anakin have to save him, and they have to overcome some character flaw in order to win the fight. Like, that would be so good. ALICE It's in Yoda's contract that he actually can't be shown losing a fight, he can only be fought to a draw, like The Rock. So... RILEY Ducoup gets away.

ALICE Well no, but he cuts Anakin's fucking hand off, before he does. RILEY Oh, he said that. Oh, did we? ALICE Yeah, he did. I said that before Yoda even walked in, yes. He does cut Anakin's hand off. I said that before Yoda even walked in. Yes. Oh yeah, he does cut Anakin's hand.

Anakin's hand, gone. Forget it. Cut that shit off before I walked in the door. Yeah, Anakin's hand is gone. Cut that shit off before I walked in the room. Before I walked in the room. Yeah. Again, Dooku absolutely walks in.

He's the lightsaber, comes in through the window, cuts your arm off, like, comes back out with a force. Through that shit before you walked in the door, I did. ALICE This is a series of references to a film called Black Dynamite, which I highly recommend. DRAGON Black Dynamite! Sell crack to the community, I do! The way... The way... The way... The way... Green dynamite.

The way... Okay, well, I'm gonna be rewriting that in my head. Um. Oh. It gives you little Richard. The way that Dooku escapes is by trying to drop some garbage on Anakin and Obi-Wan so Yoda has to save them. Classical magic. Another medium piece of like, CG'd scraps starts to fall onto the boys, and Yoda goes,

ooh, I gotta help them. Christopher Lee loves doing movies where he says we must join the Dark Lord. He loves doing it, he's always saying that. ALICE He escapes in an admittedly slightly cool ship with a solar sail. And then, like, yachts away, and he has to go and speak to Palpatine who is like, the pieces are in place for episode three. ALICE Kind of like, build up creepy music, red skies,

and then he meets Darth Sidious and it's fucking Ian McDermott and he's like, yeah, the war has begun. Which is me all along. Check this shit out. I'm wearing a hood. The Jedi have totally beansed it because Obi-Wan's like, yeah, cool, we won thanks to the clones. And Yoda's like, you fucking idiot, you started a war. You started a civil war.

You started the Clone Wars and now we're're all gonna have to go and be cartoons. Yodah says as much. Begun. The Clone War has. Cool man. Anakin has to get engaged, or married actually, because- Yeah, Anakin and Padme get married in space Italy on the shores of space Lake Como. She's wearing a man-tier because she's Treadcath, and for some reason his gay robot son, C-3PO,

is his best man. You just don't have any fucking friends! Everything about C-3PO is so funny to me. Imagine C-3PO's best man speech. Just like, yeah, he did kind of make me. Yeah. Well, he's fluent in over six million forms of communication, presumably one of them is the best man speech.

I bet C-3PO would do a great best man's speech, actually. He probably would, yeah. Also, they get married and I'm like, you're kind of rushing into that. Oh, calm down. Shouldn't you, like, date? It's almost as if these people are, like, impulsive, you know, and that kind of impulsivity will lead them to some kind of side, you know, that involves having your hood up a lot of the time and, like, being very sinister.

But he's 19 and she's 24 and a senator, and I'm like, girl, I feel like you should know better. Be honest to God. Right? What are you doing, Hen? What are you doing, Hen? What are you doing? This is kind of like, if AOC married a 19 year old with a rat tail, can you imagine

Twitter's reaction to that? This is like if AOC married Luigi Mangione. Like... yeah, kind of. ALICE Oh, fuck. Okay. Is that possible? Is there some kind of congressional privilege you can use to get him out? LWX I'm throwing him out a little bit, because we're recording this on the 10th, and I know this comes out on the 1st of January, and I think that everything will have changed so hugely since then. ALICE I've been thinking about nothing but that man.

Yeah. I just, yeah, no, it's just inherently funny to me. ALICE I can't believe he killed the guy who tried to ban video games, from all-in-order. NICOLAS And the front man of AC DC. RILEY That's fucking crazy. He killed John Pudge! NICOLAS Anyway, there's the movie, baby!

That was the movie, it felt about four and a half hours long, I actively resented it. It is about two and a half hours of Star Wars. Coulda cut twenty percent. Indulgent is the word I would use, indulgent. Like a rich pudding. Yes, yeah, and, y'know, like we, this is the product of one imaginative man with a large amount of resources at his disposal. I do the Stephen Jay Gould thing about Einstein here, I'm like, if you give this to anybody

else I think you could have had a much more interesting movie. But they didn't, they gave it to George Lucas. They gave it to George Lucas. Okay, well it needed to be George for a start. No one else can create Star Wars. No one's moving like this. No one is moving. And really, no one else is moving like this.

Well, now, I don't agree with that. Okay, that's fine, that's reasonable. I think Leslie Hedlund can create Star Wars extremely well. Yeah, that's true. Whoever the fuck wrote Andor does great Star Wars. It's not like deriving Star Wars, y'know? Or interpreting Star Wars. The sacred texts. Mm.

World building. This is the sort of testament, right? Like, George Lucas is creating this Star Wars. Or further Star Wars that didn't have George's in, like, uh, that didn't have George helping with it. That's like, postscript. They're trying to figure that out from past this. This is your sort of text. I don't know what I mean by this specifically.

I like that this feels like it was made by a person. It's a little janky in places. They took a big swing on the tech, which doesn't always pay off. It's a little indulgent. It could have used an edit. It doesn't ever pay off. It like, the space Brexit stuff I feel has aged well. Not just in edit, crucially George Lucas cannot write. Like, that's a key part of the thing, and it's like, is that enjoyable or not depends on other factors like the acting, and in this case, no. No, it's not enjoyable, I didn't enjoy it. It sucks, it fucking sucks.

He can write if what you want is lines like, I was recruited by a man named Tyrannus on the moon of Bogdan. Like that's the kind of thing he writes. Which I do want. Yeah, Klee Glas, Shmee is my wife. We do later find out that Tyrannus is Darth Tyrannus, that's Count Dooku. Yeah, it is, it's Count Dooku. Klee Glas, Shmee is my wife.

Shmee is my wife. Shmee is my wife. And Zendaya is Meachie. Poppy caught me tootin' she's a vendor. Schmi is my wife. Schmi is my wife. 2025. Oh, Jesus. Welcome to 2025.

They're calling it the year that came after 2024. And a lot of stuff's gonna happen in it, probably. Yeah, if we have 2024 to extrapolate from, I don't know what it's gonna be like at the end of 2025, I'm hoping Kill James Bond will still be going, I'm still having fun doing this. You know what else we're gonna be doing, is we're gonna be doing Die Hard 4.0. Yeah, that's true. We've got that to look forward to. Yeah, we'll be doing whatever New Year's episode you fuckers choose. And then whatever else these awful bastards choose to inflict.

This was a kind of war crime against me. I like it, Hogs, thank you. International Criminal Court should be investigating all of you, and I mean that. Hey, I've always been a centrist. I think the International Criminal Court should be investigating you, but this was the best option out of the ones that made it to voting. You picked the right one. Oh god, is that true?

It might be true, because this beat Knives Out, and the problem with doing Knives Out is that not only is it a good movie, but it's a well known good movie, so we would just be doing like, hey this movie's good, a thing everyone already knows. Yeah, I can't do anything with knives out. It's fine. Although the sabotage of doing this, right, is it conforms with a bit of doing the second movie in a series only. But it does fuck us down the line for if we ever want to do sci-fi season, because then

we would like, we're gonna have to watch all the others and then go back to this and be like, oh here's an episode we did like three years ago, because you made us for this central part of the trilogy. It's Attack of the Clones, no notes. Attack of the Clones, no notes. God. Yeah, and it's just me, repeat, like, typing on a typewriter, Klee Glass, Shmee is my wife, over and over again. SHME is my wife. SHME is my wife.

And a Shmee is my wife to you too, listener. Thank you for listening. We have a bonus feed on Patreon, which this is? This is. This is technically a bonus episode, but obviously since the vinegar special you're all getting it. You dogs. You fucking dogs.

Um, so, yeah, thank you for subscribing to the Patreon if you do. I'm just taking a look at our Spotify wrapped for creators at the moment. Um. Oh god. Okay. Well, cause we did it last year and I'm interested in doing it. So, oh yeah. Sure.

A couple little facts here. First of all, our top episode for the year, and this is useful for us, it was, uh, Charlie's Angels Live, the first one. People like a live show. This is classic, the people love a live show, obviously. We will. We streamed 305% more than our average episode.

Wow. Fucking crazy. People want to hear about Charlie's Angels. I hate to say this. It makes me upset, it makes me physically sick to say this, but our top country is the United States of America, kaka. There's a lot of them. Bruisel. But there's so fucking many of these people! We were streamed at 92 countries, but it was the US, by like, it was, US plurality even.

Incredible. Fucking annoying. I like America. If you, if you, if you were British, and you know, you need to, you need to get more British people listening to this, you know? Get those numbers up. We've got, alright, Gains, New Discovery, Top Episode, Demographics, Top Country, Listener Tastes, Charts, Top Fans... Hit me with demographics real quick, I wanna learn about these people and why they made me watch this.

Alright, let's break it down. I wanna know Listener Tastes too, what else you fucking listen to? Alright, here we go, listeners by age. Yeah, you've been cheating on us with other podcasts. Okay, here's our listeners by age. 18 to 24, 12%. 25 to 29, 35%. Yeah, that sounds about right.

That sounds about- you were born in 1990, motherfucking one, I know you. 30 to 34, 25. Falls off after 45 pretty strongly. 35 to 44, 22%. I mean honestly, if you're in the older cohort, congratulations also to women, hi. Listeners 35 to 44 grew the most this year. That's what we've seen. By 43%.

That's how time works, I guess. Yeah, a lot of you got old, a lot of you hit 35, and honestly, congratulations. Wow. Just really insincere wow. No, I actually mean that. I sounded as simple as I honestly meant to. Other than our show, alright, number one, Behind the Bastards, that's fair. That's reasonable.

That's popular, they're popular, people like them. Number two, Lions Led by Donkeys. Yeah, behind the bastards. That's fair. That's reasonable. That's popular. They're popular. People like them. Number two, lions led by donkeys. Classic. Yeah, for good reason. Two editors of the show on that one. Number three, well there's your problem.

That's classic. I hear the idea for that, it's pretty funny. Shake hands with danger. Number four, knowledge fight. Never heard of this in my entire life before. I know about knowledge fight. I've vaguely heard of knowledge fight. I've heard about it.

And number five, Trash Future. ALICE Ehhhhh. NICHOLAS About a trash future? ALICE Fair once. NICHOLAS Alright, that's as far as I'm interested in going into this. ALICE Well, here's the thing, in future, listen to other podcasts if you want, but continue listening to us, and I hope that you have

a fruitful and fun 2025. We will be back with more oceans. It's oceans... Mmm, oceans 12. 12. Oceans 12. Our listener's number one genre of music is soundtrack. What the hell is wrong with these- What the fuck is wrong with you people?

They're looking up the diabolic soundtrack at bank. God damn fucks sake. Diabolical. Don't listen to fucking- Get out of here. Get out of here. We're done. We're done. Goodbye. Goodbye. Mesa Boston.

Mesa Boston. Mesa Boston. Clee Glass. Shmee is my wife. Clee Glass. Shmee is my wife.