Kill James Bond! - S4E5. Ocean's 12

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Welcome to Kill James Bond 2025, and welcome back to the Ocean's series! Boy, we're only one sequel in and it's already getting VERY thin on the ground here. The Gang from 'Ocean's 11' continue to do heist nonsense in Europe. ----- Donation links for the LA Wildfires Climate change will be experienced as a series of disasters filmed on mobile phones that get progressively closer until it's your phone doing the filming. Currently, Los Angeles is experiencing a wildfire that would have been unimaginable a few decades ago. Directrelief is, as the name suggests, coordinating direct relief for those who have lost everything. https://donate.directrelief.org/give/406660/#!/donation/checkout ----- FREE PALESTINE Hey, Devon here. For the past few months I've been talking to a family trapped in Gaza, working to cover their daily living costs amidst repeated displacements in the Genocide. Their names are Ahmed and Layla, and their 4 kids are Jana, Malik, Lana and Amir. Anything you can contribute would mean the world to me. They deserve to live. Attached is their gofundme, as well as three others that I can vouch for the authenticity of. https://www.gofundme.com/f/a8jzz-help-me-and-my-family-get-out-of-the-gaza-strip https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-me-and-my-family-to-find-a-safe-place https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-us-maher-and-my-family-to-leave-gaza-to-belgium https://www.gofundme.com/f/htdcj-evacuating-my-family-from-gaza https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donate ----- Consider supporting us on our reasonably-priced patreon! https://www.patreon.com/killjamesbond ------ WEB DESIGN ALERT Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Kill James Bond is hosted by November Kelly, Abigail Thorn, and Devon. You can find us at https://killjamesbond.com

A 1960 Rat Pack film in which a group of second world war veterans plan to rob five Las Vegas casinos on New Year's Eve. It was remade in 2001 starring George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Ocean's Eleven. Yes indeed. Hello and welcome to another episode of University Challenge. November Kelly. Hello. Joined as always by my co-contestants, Abigail Thorne and Devon. Sinandris Thorne.

Devon Devon. Where did you go to uni Dev? Where did you go to uni, Dev? Where did I go to uni? Avariswith. Avariswith Devon. So we've got the Avariswith thing and then I'm on the like Glasgow team but I dropped out so I'm just like hanging on to like one corner of the set. They're trying to pull me away.

You're sat on the floor next to the table. Yeah. No, they let me on the team but I'm wearing like a big dunce cap. Yeah. University bit too challenging. Almost University of Glasgow. Hello and welcome to another episode of Kill James Bond. It's robbery season.

It's heist season. Hands up! Yeah. We're here for the bank's money, not your money. It's robbery season. It's heist season. Hands up! Yeah. We're here for the bank's money, not your money. It's true, it's the first Kill James Bond of 2025 for us reporting it. And you know, what a year already. Some things have happened, some events have occurred, wonderful. Yeah, they fucking have.

Yeah, no, let's just ignore those. Let's just talk about the movie. Ocean's 12. The Seekful's Ocean's 11. There's not a whole lot going on. No. No, this is the thing, I think all of us when we watched this film, we're all independently in the group chat at one time or another going, there's not a lot here, there's pretty thin

gruel for us to talk about, because Ocean's Eleven, in all of its iterations, has existed as a way for the cast to just kind of get paid to hang out, and Ocean's Twelve is perhaps the strongest example we've yet seen of that. ALICE Yeah, and it's fascinating, because it's just a bunch of hot people hanging out, and it struck me that this sort of movie wouldn't get made anymore. My life like a movie, Ocean's Twelve. Nowadays they'd all have to be in capes and they'd be fighting a big purple whatever, right?

But you don't get this kind of movie anymore because it's just a fucking Twitch stream, it's just a vlog, it's just a bunch of hot people hanging out, and it's like, I can watch this for free now, you didn't need to spend 120 million dollars making it, Stephen Soderbergh. LWX It's kind of getting parasocial with it, you know? You're like, I wanna see what my friends George Clooney and Matt Damon are getting up to, and what they're getting up to is kind of just sitting around, chatting. There's like very little heist in this heist movie.

PYLON They're just shooting the shit, largely this shit largely. The heist is literally an afterthought. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, to be clear, they're trying to do, vaguely trying to do like, Ocean's Eleven goes to Europe in this one, right? And they make some nods towards your kind of European white telephone films, a lot of it's set in Rome, but it doesn't leave that much of an impression. Because 9-11 has happened. It's 2004, so 9-11 has happened, but the financial crash hasn't yet. Okay, that makes sense.

So we're still limping along here. Yeah, weird which one of those turned out to have more of an impact on movies as a cultural product, y'know? Yeah, I suppose. But so, we begin with Brad Pitt getting home from a long day at the sequel factory, and waiting for him in bed is Catherine Zeta-Jones. Catherine Zeta-Jones is in this movie, I will not be talking about anyone else who is in this movie, because I don't remember. She's really good. So she's in bed. This is a flashback to three and a half years ago. Do you see Americans try to like racially analyze Catherine Zeta-Jones on Twitter this

week? What? Yeah, Yank's got a glimpse of the sort of Welsh thing that... People don't realize this but one in every three Welsh people are Arab, and that's nothing to do with immigration, that's like, they just look Arab, it's crazy. My brother-in-law looks exactly like Motaz, that Palestinian journalist that's been popping up for the last couple of years. Like, I'm not fucking with you, 100%. So like, you get Welsh actors who are completely at home playing characters, like we've seen with Catherine Zeta-Jones before, she was in like, The Mask of Zorro.

Playing a Mexican woman.. Yeah, yeah. Playing a Mexican woman. Playing Mexican, yeah. Yeah. You got Tom Jones is a full-blooded Welsh man. Yeah, but so Americans on Twitter were like, they found a couple of pictures of Catherine Zeta-Jones and they're like, there's no way she's just Welsh, right? Like, they're hiding something in there and I've got this phrenology skull.

Like 23 and me, like, cut this fucking calipers out to measure this actress's head. Jesus. God just rolls the dice when he makes a Welsh person. It's just like, you could, it just sets those sliders to random. Buddy, you can look, you can look anything from Mediterranean to Mexican, just like, that's, that's Wales, baby. They've got some high elves in there, like... Oh, certainly. Some of them can breathe underwater, like, there's all kinds of shit. Pummel any coon, honestly.

But so, Catherine Zeta-Jones is a cop, right, as Brad Pitt's getting in, she's like, we're really close on the tail of the guy who's been doing that the other heist, the Bulgari heist, who has heisted a bunch of Bulgari, I hope they got their Sepente, the really cool watches. And as she's describing the clues that they have, it becomes more and more obvious that it has been Brad Pitt, which is closing in on him. And he just kind of casually starts the shower going and then jumps out of the bathroom window to escape. ALICE Yeah, he hits the bricks. It's quite funny, it's quite charming. RILEY He feels the heat coming around the corner,

gets out of there. ALICE Mm, mm. No attachments. None. RILEY He passes the heat test. Well. ALICE As it will become apparent, the oceans guys cannot stop getting attached to women in a way that ruins their plans.

ALICE Mm, no attachments. Well, some attachments. As the Buddha said, some attachment is okay if it's Katharinesita Jones. Yeah. We had to go back and establish that Rusty isn't gay, which I was disappointed by. Yeah, come on. Him and Danny Ocean have some good scenes together where it's like, what if you two just kissed?

You could have kept the Welsh thing and just, instead of Katharinesita Jones, it's Tom Jones. It's true. Yeah, exactly. You could have kept the Welsh thing and just instead of Catherine Zeta-Jones, it's Tom Jones. It's true. Yeah, exactly. You should do a Mars Attacks where you just have Tom Jones show up near the end of it. To be clear, the homoerotic relationship between Danny Ocean and Rusty Ryan is by far the most interesting relationship that these movies have been able to cultivate, right? Anytime they're together, they're like very very intimate with each other.

So we have to reintroduce Danny Ocean, who, when I was describing these movies to my wife, I called Frank Ocean without thinking, and I have never heard the end of it since. So we have to reintroduce Frank Ocean. ALICE & TANNER Frank Ocean, yeah. ALICE And he's like, he's at a bank applying for a retirement account, and you think, oh, it's some kind of a scam, because he's the scams guy, and it's George Clooney, he's doing his scam affect. But no, he's just straightforwardly retired. He does almost confess to the crime of the century to a bank guy because he's bored,

which I kind of respect. This is what Robert De Niro would have been doing had he gotten away in Fiji, he would be talking to a Fijian bank clerk, and he would also say the line, I was once in a vault when it was being robbed, which is the most carefully worded non-incriminating disclosure. Really good. Yeah, yeah. And his wife Julia Roberts is kind of climbing the walls at home as well, she's picking out the color that all's gonna be painted in and she's like... I don't know why she's so wicked, like, she used to be an art museum curator, she could

do that again. Yeah, but she's just picking out like paint samples in their suburban home, when, if we remember, the very end of Ocean's Eleven, right, they leave the jail and they're being followed by the guy they robbed last time, Andy Garcia, Terry Benedict, they're being followed by his goons, his two goons, and these are some goons par excellence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Blowjob Brothers.

The Blowjob Brothers! And so, she, Julia Roberts, sees the heat around the corner in the form of the blowjob brothers who like come to her front door with Andy Garcia. With Casino Dracula! A pair of brothers, by the way, Larry and David Sontag playing those two goons. They're real brothers, they're really the blowjob brothers? Two big guys. That rules.

Great. Susan's brothers? These porn star motherfuckers. P-A-W-N. Andy Garcia looking even more like a vampire than last time. Like we remarked upon it. I saw Nosferatu and I came back here and watched this and was like, I'm seeing double. What's going on?

He's looking, he's looking weird as hell. Cause the Matrix has come out. Yeah. This was your theory about this was that this was a kind of post-Matrix turn in costuming. STORM That's why he's dressed with like the little sunglasses and- he's dressed like the Merovingian. ALICE Fuck it is, isn't it. STORM He does have the little sunglasses.

STORM He's Merovingian-moding. There's a moment later on when he's got like red tie and like red collar but like the tie is tied fucks and I'm like, you've got Merovingian envy. ALICE Getting gender euphoria from looking like the Merovingian- I mean I'm sure there's guys out there, you know? STORM Hey, I would do ALICE, LAUGHING. ALICE, LAUGHING. Getting gender euphoria from looking like the Merovingian. I mean, I'm sure there's guys out there. Hey, I would do that now, nevermind as a guy. Like, Merovingians got fucking drip for days. Yeah, Hussein's got that, but only for the reboot movie.

There's a bit later on, because the deal obviously is that he has found them and he's rounding up the whole gang in order to, like, confront them and then it's implied, like, kill them. There's a bit where he confronts the two Mormons, where he's wearing red leather gloves and a matching red cravat and an all black suit and tiny red sunglasses, and it's just... This is, you were lapping vampire the masquerade in the park in that outfit. Like that's... Yeah, it just... It's the sort of thing you can only wear on camera, because as soon as you wear

it in real life under normal lighting you realize you look like a dipshit. Everyone is yelling at you in a street. The nostalgia critic character, with the cane too, the little cane. To be fair, I think canes are country. I wanna bring canes back. Or, that's an upward battle. That's a really uphill battle to bring Kane's back. The teens in this country?

That's true. They'd roast you alive, you'd have an easier time with pocket watches, I think. Also, I should say that... Or both, you know, just fuck. The head of his Kane is literally like a putter, because he's like a golf guy. So the golfing vampire is here to kind of like, threaten you. He only golfs at night, it's very difficult. He menaces Julia Roberts.

What's your handicap? Garlic, actually. And so he menaces Julia Roberts, who tips off Frank Ocean, who flees the scene via Amtrak, which is a nice use of Amtrak, you never really see like, American passenger rail in these things. Yeah. You never do. Yeah. And at this point, one by one, Terry tracks the old guy down and we catch up and we see

what happens. So Yen is partying in Florida with a supermodel, he's just spending his money having a good time. Yeah. Once again, untranslated dialogue, this is the square brackets man speaks Chinese scene. One thing I like about Yen in this movie is now that he's got money, he's getting his fit off. He is. Yeah, rocks. Every Yen fit is worse than the one before.

He got like ten million dollars and he started dressing like Fred Durst. It's incredible. Dude's rock. Dudeudes rock so hard. The silhouettes, they're so baggy. Bernie Mac is getting a pedicure. Don't get attached. Yeah, Bernie Mac's there. How does, how does, how does Andy Garcia introduce himself to Bernie Mac? Well, he's getting the pedicure and he's got his eyes closed and he's ranting about like

racial politics or something, which his character is always doing. ALICE Yeah, he's doing Bernie Mac bits, yeah. RILEY Andy Garcia comes in and takes over for the pedicurist. So he just goes over and holds his foot like a hand, just slides his fingers between the toes. Hey man. You alright? ALICE Aww. RILEY Found you. ALICE That's not the line. The line is, seems like every time I see you, you're playing

the race card, Frank. And to be clear, last movie establishes that the race card is a thing that Frank consciously plays, because we see him do it with Matt Damon. We see him like... NICOLAS Well he's a blackjack dealer, so I mean, like, he plays all kinds of cards. And that's the one that wins. Logical, yeah. That's one of those jokers in Bellatro. Yeah, that's the 53rd card.

Don't say that name to me. I've never played it, I don't know, I can't touch it. I know I'll lose myself to it. You want to ruin your fucking life. Andy Gosset also finds the two Mormon brothers, and they introduce this by going down, like their cousin's getting married or some shit like that, right? One of them is the younger Mormon brother's getting married. Yeah, the Twink Mormon is getting married.

Sure. And they go down this table of guests and naming them, and not one of the names hits is a convincingly weird Mormon name. The people that brought you Mitt Romney are not sitting around a table with people named like Sarah and Mike. There should be at least one Traclyn in there with a Y. RIght, I appreciate you trying to guess Mormon names again after we 9-11'd that one listener last time. We- multiple times on this podcast we have just sniped listeners, right? Like, it just happens.

LARISSA Tracklin's a cool name. Shoutout to Tracklin. GARETH At the end of the last episode when we were saying that the two Mormon guys should have weirder names, we shot off one name and it was exactly one of our listeners' dead names. It's so- ALICE I don't even remember what it was! LARISSA Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! GARETH Don't go back and find. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Don't go back and find out what that is, I guess. The thing is, right, if you wanted to do like a Patreon reward

where we like gave you a shout out like a radio station, I would be on that instantly because I love that sensation. And I'm just going to fire off some shots into the ether right now. Rachel, Austin, Steve, this is all for you. That's what the jazz outro is I suppose. Rachel, Austin, Steve, this is all for you. Steve's easy. Steve's easy. I bet we've got a Steve. We've definitely got like a release on Steve. Hi Harvey, how's it going? Harvey's not bad, yeah. Not that one though. More esoteric than Steve. You gotta be like, all right John, can you stop doing the fucking dishes and pay attention for a second here? In this scene, he's going down the table and he names everyone apart from his brother. That's a great brother bit, that's good stuff.

That's great gear. ALICE The two brothers do have good brother bits, I will say that. Um, meanwhile, if we remember- GOOSE Actually, you know what, sorry, I hate to- this is one of the only convincing brother pairs I've ever seen in a film. Like they actually talk to each other like brothers, and that's so difficult to fucking do. ALICE I mean, one of them fully drops the, like, arse slur at the other one later on,

and I forgive the movie using it, because it's like, if ever there were a pair of people who would use it to describe each other, it's these two, mid kind of slap fight. Meanwhile, we have to go to Cody Banks Drop London, the new Bixxer has saved you from that one. Because, you know, Don Cheadle was in the last movie. You having a laugh? Yeah, yeah. I know all about Don Cheadle. Yeah, Don Cheadle talks like this. This would have been a great moment to reveal that he was doing that accent as a bit for

the entire previous movie. And then we just drop it for this one. They, they, they could have given him an out. You could have written him an out instead of making him do it for another film. But he's here. Just lead into it. He's here with Jared Harris. Yes. Yeah. Well, okay. Yeah. Let's get into that first. Jared fucking Harris, baby. Yo, that's that lane price from mad men., I love Jared Harris. Yo, is that Legazov from Chernobyl? Is that the guy from The Terror? I forgot my name. The guy from all the memes from The Terror? Yeah. I love Jared Harris. He's like, easily

the nepo baby with the most talent, which obscures the nepo babyness. Yeah, facts. He deserves it. Wait, who's his parent? I don't remember. Fucking... Ed Harris? Liza Minnelli or something. Uh, but like...

Who? I think it's John Voight. The thing about Jared Harris in this scene is what they use him for is to establish- Oh, Richard Harris, of course. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's that they use him to establish that all British people talk like that. So, in the universe of Ocean's Eleven...

SID That's not true, we meet another Brit later on, who doesn't. GARETH Don Cheadle's accent's normal. ALICE A statistically significant proportion, 66.6% recurring percent of British people talk like Don Cheadle. Which is a beautiful use of Jared Harris. The character is kind of like old Austin Powers, especially with the accent. RILEY It is a little bit. God, he had three more years to work on that accent, man. Who else have we got here?

DARREN This rundown that is here, Jason Bourne doesn't want his mum and dad to find out he's been caught, he's embarrassed. ALICE The one with social anxiety is doing a bad stand-up. He's doing stand-up now. In a matador costume, in a scene that kind of feels cut in from The Joker, to be honest. He's doing, like, anti-comedy that's, like, weirdly sad. Yeah. It's pretty good, I think.

Fall is in the Hamptons, doing not much. Reuben is getting his fortune told by a palmist, and Brad Pitt has got an awful haircut. ALICE Yeah, which leads you to the joke of that scene, which is the Blojo brothers walk in with Andy Garcia and he's like, you couldn't see this coming to the fortune teller? Brad Pitt's haircut, we need to establish that Brad Pitt in the past was, y'know, in the past, so he has to have hair, and then not hair here.

SONIA Mmhm. He shaved his head, he looks awful. ALICE Yeah. SONIA He's awful, yeah. SONIA Yeah, it's real bad-hmm. He's shaved his head, he looks awful. Yeah. Awful, yeah. Yeah, it's real bad. He's running a hotel. Yes. He's not just any hotel, he's running The Standard, which is a very nice hotel, although

this doesn't look like the interior of London. Is it actually The Standard? Yeah, he says The Standard, yeah, yeah, yeah. This doesn't look like the interior of The Standard, but maybe The Standard looked like that in 2004, before it got good. I was gonna say, I've stayed in Brad Pitt's hotel. So like, Brad Pitt, he's like... RILEY I've slept in Brad Pitt's hotel, I guess. ALICE The interesting bit with Brad Pitt's character

is that he knows all of these real life celebrities, that was the bit in the first one. Yeah, exactly. And so he's having to take care of these spoiled Hollywood brats. One of them is this scene kid who I don't know who it is, but all I can say is take the estrogen. Yeah, for real. That's Topher Grace. That's himself. Topher Grace, he's got a shirt that says your boyfriend wants me on it, and I was like, let's go. He even calls him Topher in the scene. It's Topher Grace as himself. Take the fucking estrogen. It's just Topher. Yeah, the t-shirt he's wearing with your boyfriend wants me,

want that t-shirt. More of an e-shirt, to be honest. But also, if you. It's just Topher. Yeah, the t-shirt he's wearing with your boyfriend wants me, want that t-shirt. More of an E-shirt, to be honest. But also, if you don't know who Topher Grace is, then this scene just kind of... Is this my Liza Minnelli? Do I... yeah. Yeah, he was a reasonably famous TV actor, did a couple films, he was Eddie Brock in Spider-Man 3, the original one. Oh shit, okay, I remember him from that.

Yeah, that was Spider-Man, really. They drop a Frankie Muniz reference, which I appreciate, and then Andy Garcia calls him on the phone and he's like, hey, you have my money, give me back my money, I'm gonna performatively car bomb you, to show you I'm serious, right? Here's the car bombing you could have had. Mmhmm. Yeah, he gets on the phone and then blows up his car. So they all get together and are like, alright, alright, he's got us.

The Ocean's Eleven guys get together. They say the phrase Ocean's Eleven about fifty times in a scene. I didn't clip it ever because it annoyed me, but yes, no, the whole time they're arguing about the name, because like, Andy Garcia has referred to it as Ocean's Eleven, and they're like, you know, what the fuck, man? You're not really in charge of it. You were out of it for half of it. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, I'm not the only one looking for Ocean's Eleven title drop, and then later

on all these guys are like, well why the fuck am I in an Eleven? You know, I'm an independent contractor. What number am I? I thought you were calling it the Benedict job, you know? It's good. It's pretty good. Eggs Benedict. N11. You know, I'm an independent contractor. Yeah. I thought we were calling it the Benedict job, you know? It's good. It's pretty good. Eggs Benedict. The deal is, Terry Eggs Benedict has, like, demanded all the money they stole from him back with a punitive rate of interest, and then we get to find out...

On a two week limit. Yeah. How much they owe, based on how... It's fun finding out how they did or didn't spend it. Like the stand-up comedy kind of nebushy guy didn't spend any of it, it's just been in the bank. He's been living with his parents the whole time as being a failed stand-up comic. I love that guy, he really is sullen me. Yeah, this is a good way to establish their characters pretty quickly, cause like, um,

Yen owes a bunch of it, obviously. Brad pits down the most, cause he spent it on a hotel. Yeah, well that's exactly right, Rusty has like 25 million. He owes more than they have, like, considerably more than they have stolen, yes. Yeah, yeah. And then, are they add it all up and it comes to $97 million, so you've got two weeks to get it. Saul is like, I owe a small amount of this, but I gotta be honest with you, I'm

gonna owe all of it. My intention is to spend all of my money, goodbye. Mmhm. Yeah, S.A.W.L. fails. I'm not gonna be in this one, you're gonna have to call it Ocean's 10, and just leave. If you're kind of thinking at this moment, oh this is when they kill S.A.W.L. to establish the stakes, it's not that serious. Nothing in this movie is.

The stakes are low. No, they's not that serious. Nothing in this movie is. The stakes are low. No, they're in crime world. There's actually no downsides to doing crimes in this movie. Mm, mm. Yeah. And so Brad Pitt is like, alright, we gotta go to Europe, specifically Amsterdam. I've made this decision because it's my turn to have a secret B-plot in the movie. Yes. The saxophonist is gonna be coming with with us, which is why as soon as we roll up and answer someone's like, the saxophonist is noodling like fucking crazy. That's how they get up to Ocean's Eleven is Saul leaves and the saxophonist comes with it.

He's promoted to Ocean. Yeah. We need a whole extra guy. It's Ocean's 12. We got to... Well, there's like two extra people who join the crew in this one, but anyway. Meanwhile Matt Damon is like, I'd really love a bigger role in the movie, and Brad Pitt's like, yeah, okay, cool, you're gonna be the third thing. This is actually kinda cute. Yeah, this is a fun kind of bit of like meta-textual thing of being like Brad Pitt, of being like Matt Damon has become more famous since the last film, and therefore, like, we want to

give him a bigger role so the character also wants a bigger role. It's kind of neat. Yeah, to be fair though, this actually fits with him because the character's called Linus, I think. His dad was a famous... Tech techs? I think so. His dad was a famous thief and he's trying to live in this guy's shadow, right? And it's very cute because you get the impression that this is not an industry that it is easy to advance in, it's certainly not an industry

but it's easy to get management experience in. So he wakes up rusty on the plane and is like, hey man, can you let me come with you for some of the bigger scenes in this movie? And they're like, sure, bye. ALICE Can I come to this meeting? RILEY I was in a good mood at this point watching the movie, I was like, yeah, I fucking love Matt Damon, what a great guy! ALICE So he agrees to let him come to this meeting with Matsui, this broker. RILEY Yes. Robby Coltrane.

ALICE We'll talk about that. RILEY We'll get to this. ALICE We'll get to who Matsui may or may not be. First of all we have to introduce the concept of Amsterdam, which we do with a series of one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine consecutive shots with one letter of the word Amsterdam in it each time. Like a little tourism advert. And they check into, like, a really nice hotel in Amsterdam and I'm thinking

you're on the clock for owing a lot of money and you're spending, you're spending more than you're making at this point. Like stay in a travelodge. If you're like banking on making $97 million, then like a hotel bill is a pretty marginal at that stage, right? You might as well stay somewhere nice. Yes, but like, I don't know, I would be in the travel lodge. Go for the budget that you've got, you know? You owe 90 million. Yeah, if you like, owe 97 million dollars and then you give them like, wow we saved

a couple hundred dollars on the hotel fee, I think Terry Benedict's still gonna turn you into X. You look after the pennies, listen, okay, maybe you don't make the money, right, and then Terry Benedict kills you and then after he kills you you get a bill from the Standard in Amsterdam being like, what the fuck, you know, you've been in that minibar? If he kills you he's stuck with a bill so might as well fucking rack it up. This is the last two weeks of your life. Fuck the stand, I'm not staying in the stand, if I stayed somewhere even nicer I would've

stayed at the fucking Bellagio. Wait no, he owns the Bellagio, no I'll stay somewhere else. Sorry, if you kill someone in a hotel you have to pay their bill. Dead man's hotel bill? Yeah! Which is that how that works? Alright, fuck this, I'm going to the fucking Soffitel and then getting someone to kill me in the bar so I don't have to worry about it.

There's a whole world out there. Exactly. I was not aware of this. Okay. I'm dying in the Ibis budget, I don't mind, it's fine. Just like, are you ready to... Just need somewhere to lie down. Ready to die for this travelodge. So they go and see Crime Hagrid.

Yes. Yes, well, that, indeed. Their guy, Matsui, and I cannot stress enough that this guy, if your name is Matsui, why are you white? Yeah, what's going on? Scottish man. This is Robbisholt Raine. This is Vladimir Zhukovsky himself.

The capitalist system. Mmhmm. It is. It's Cracker, from the TV show of the same name. Don't ask me why it's called that, and possibly we get censored on Spotify for me saying that. But... You can't be walking around being called Matsui, you can't be talking like that, Cracker. Really good. Really really good.

Thank you, it's because I couldn't remember anyone else you'd played. That was perfect, because we supplied all the information required for you to make and then get that joke. Yeah. Thank you so much. It's like an Ikea joke. So the whole meeting's in this weird code language that Matt Damon can't follow? Something with Matsui Bookshelf. It's got like a fucking line through the U. So they go in there and it turns out he's a Japanese room, like he's just saying shit,

doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah. Um. Sorry, sorry. It's like a z sing what I fucking said. My lap sang Souchong! That's a good choice, that's a good tea. That's a good tea, well done.

Thank you, thank you, I like a lap sang Souchong. Yeah, yeah, smoky one. Really nice. But yeah, so they are talking authentic country gibberish to each other, and then turning to Matt Damon meaningfully to be like, interesting. Say some gibberish to each other, and then turning to Matt Damon meaningfully to be like, say some gibberish. Interesting. Say some gibberish.

And he tries saying some gib- well he says some poetry, he pours some poetry at them. In service of gibberish. He's got poetry, it's Led Zeppelin! Yeah, poetry. You don't think Led Zeppelin's poetry? It's the lyrics to Cash Me, man, it's epic. Do we consider Cash Me not to be poetry just because it has music, you know? Damn.

Is opera poetry? I don't know, the only time I've ever tried to go to an opera is as to leave. They don't have to. I was two minutes late because the girl I was going with, I think I've told the story on the podcast before. Yeah, I think so, actually. She was doing her hair, like, she was in a ball gown and I was in the closet, and then instead we just went and had sex.

Hey, well, you know what, first of all, you can't get into the opera. Have sex with someone in a ball gown, it's great. Anyway. They get the plan. Wow. In the ball gown. Yeah, really. Okay, right.

Movie. They hear about the plan, which is, there's this fucking recluse who's got a shitload of things, don't worry about it, he's not appearing in this movie. Yeah. Yeah. For fucking Jeeps van der Blomken or whatever the fuck, this Dutch guy. They say, by the way, he's got like, uh, severe agoraphobia. Agoraphobia. Yes.

And what he does is, and this is the really twisted part, right, every night he takes an ambient and falls asleep listening to Beethoven's Third. I don't know if you've heard Beethoven's third, but that's a weird choice to like, slip off to Dreamland. It's like, just, you're just zanned out and the thing's going full blast on the expensive hi-fi and you're like, yep, this is relaxing, I'm good. Yeah. I'm Xanadad, I'm listening to interpretive-ass saxophones. Like, oh, really? He has the first stock certificate ever, which is worth 2.5 million euros, so we're gonna

steal it. I do want to circle back a bit to this whole gibberish scene, because there's a joke that I didn't tell, which is, they essentially pull a prank on him, right, in the course of this scene, which is, to do one of my favourite tweets, after riffing with you for fifteen minutes, it's actually sick what you've been saying? They just kind of like, they like, fuck with his social anxiety, and so after they get out they're like, I can't believe you used can't believe you used the lyrics to cashmere on that man. You badly insulted him. You've like kind of sexually harassed his child niece. This is an actual thing in the thing. Yeah.

It's just like, this is, this is autism simulated. This is like every social interaction feels this way. It's just like, Oh, you have to you have to push this series of nonsensical things out of nowhere and if you get it wrong you've mortally offended someone. Fuck these people, for real. And, like, to be fair to Matt Damon, he does actually call them on the ableism. Please, please. RILEY Yeah, I've got that clip actually. This is later on when they're planning and they keep calling the agoraphobic guy a freak,

and you can see Matt Damon in the background sort of like looking like he's wrestling with saying something and he goes eventually, Hey, what do we have to use that term? What term? Freak. Just your friend who's too woke or whatever. Although that being said, this is not too woke. This is acceptably woke. This is acceptably woke. Yeah, you shouldn't be. He is woke, but he's like too woke for the group. He's like too woke this is except this is except of the woke yeah you shouldn't be is woke but he's like too woke for the group he's like too much for the times even and so all of these guys are just like what yeah bear bear in mind at least two of them that have been dropping hard sorry i was

gonna say hard hours but like not hard hours like the art the art yeah also during this planning scene uhen is recording them? And I'm like, that's incriminating! Why are you just making a home movie? ALICE Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy? He is also dressed even more like Fred Durst at this point. It's really good.

I think he's wearing like a Jamaican national team baseball jersey. It's really impeccable. The plan is to shoot a zipline into this guy's window and then slide a little keypad thing along it to open the combination to put the alarm combo in. But the problem is that his window is like three inches too low for them to get that angle on it. So Brad Pitt comes up with this plan to raise the entire building by three inches? Yeah.

Why wouldn't you just drill a hole? Yeah, unusual. But they go into the canal and then put some hydraulic jacks underneath, not sure how you managed to acquire those in overnight, but whatever. Yeah, they're doing this in a sort of crankboat? They jack off the house's foundations. Like, yeah. Yeah.

It's like, again, what is your budget for this, guys? I guess they've got several million each. Even, no, but even for like several million, you can't get that shit overnight. Like Amazon don't do next day delivery, it's just Amsterdam of hydraulic jacks in 2004? They also, by the way, say explicitly that they're not expecting to make very much. It's like a million dollar total job, and the point of this is that, like, maybe Robbie Coltrane will give us a bigger job next, and Brad Pitt is trying to hide the fact that they're in Amsterdam for

ulterior reasons. ALICE Because meanwhile he's been spying on Catherine Zeta-Jones, you see. ALL Yes. ALICE I like this B-plot, I'll be honest. It's one of the things I like about the movie. And so- It kinda gets a bit fucking contrived by the end, but whatever.

Of course, of course. But it's a heist movie. But so, she is lecturing at Europol, Europe's smaller shittier interpol, about how cool criminals are, which is one of a cop's main jobs, I think. Yeah, this is definitely a Zenegada material. It's definitely, yeah. She says there's two criminals in the world who have the biggest dicks. The first is Gaspar Lamarck, he died a few years ago, huge dicked criminal, amazing,

fantastic, best Lupin III ever. He had a protege called the Night Fox, who is a master burglar who leaves behind little figurines of foxes. He's also pretty cool. Those are the two criminals that you need to know, even though one of them is dead. ALICE In the background we get one of the all-time guy who has to deliver bad news to his boss. Guys of all time. That sentence was like, so fucked by my anxiety there that it went perfectly in parallel. No, I got it. It was possible.

It reads from the inside out in both directions. It's a palindrome. Anyway, so he comes up to her extremely nervous to be like, uh, the extremely cool criminal struck again. Crimes. Crimes. Crimes have cool criminal struck again. CRIMES. CRIMES. CRIMES HAVE HAPPENED. Oh shit. CRIMES HAVE HAPPENED. We haven't seen the heist at this point, crucially.

We see them line up the shot, and we see, um, Bashatar pull the fucking trigger, and then it cuts to this scene of a guy who has to tell someone bad news. So she goes to the house, which has been robbed, and the two Amsterdam cops are there, dressed inexplicably like 1930s gangsters, they're both wearing fedoras and French coats. RILEY Yes, quite unusual. ALICE Never comes up again. RILEY Two zenergardas, yeah.

She figures out that the house has been raised by three inches, and she has this kind of nested flashback to meeting Brad Pitt in Rome years ago and telling him, hey, once upon a time this amazing criminal jacked a house off by three inches. Yeah. So, wow. That's where he got the idea. And so, because, like, she's gonna know that it's him, this is flirting, and I kind of like that, you know?

It's still doing the thing from the first movie of, like, women are objects to be heisted, right, but at least here, making her a cop, there's a bit of like, mutual kind of foreplay. Yes. She's more of a character in this one. Women have maybe 60 to 75% as much interiority as men in this book. Yeah. And like, she's also, to be clear, super into this. That's a detail that makes me like this, is she's like biting, and like, she's also, to be clear, super into this. That's a detail that makes me like this, is she's like biting her lip like, oh you fucking guy. She's like, I know it's that motherfucker, I know. Yeah, if somebody like very sexy did a heist to me, that would be a bit of a turn on. Listeners, if you heist me something, that's a good way to get

my attention. Don't heist anything that belongs to me! You can, listeners, you can impress me in a kind of Jodie Foster way. Yeah, but so this is a kind of like subtype of zenegatification. It's like horny zenegatification. She even gets like a kind of anime hair floof in the back as well. So like when you're looking at her as she's like, oh, I'm going to get that guy. Her haircut in this is so good. She's got the kind of slightly swoopy hair. Yeah. It's good, like, sub is kind of the right word, this is kind of like foreplay, crime foreplay.

Yes! Yeah, absolutely. But she figures it out, and she goes like, and this is where we get the flashback, which is the heist was actually interrupted because the thing had already been stolen by the Night Fox. ALICE Yeah, they get in, you know, Beethoven's third is blasting, they open the safe, and there's this little onyx fox figurine in the thing, and then they immediately get a call on a phone inside the safe from the Euro trash

arms dealer from in Bruges. Do you have this word in English? Alcoves? Guy? Like, the most Euro Trash thief in the world. We met this guy before, this is Vincent Cassel, and he was a chimp in Jason Bourne and the Goblet of Fire, or whatever the fuck that was. He was a chimp, he played Professor Chimp. He was a chimp. Yeah. I love Vincent Cassel, he's a great actor, but... He's playing French Diabolic here.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monsieur Diaboli? He's the only thief in the world more smug than Danny Ocean. And so he kind of calls him up on the phone, and is like, you have this word, cuckold, eh? Because that is what you are, I put you in the little chair in the hotel room. Tell me as a standard got a little cock chair. He set this whole thing up. So we then get another

flashback within the flashback within the flashback. It's like fucking memento as he caught the night fox calls Terry Bennett. It is like, I know where oceans 11 are from oceans 11. And I also planted the information on the desk in your office. Night Fox. Yeah. So fucking smug. I will give you the information if you do not kill them and you'll give them the chance to pay you back. Uh, and, and so Andy Garcia is like, why are you talking like that? Fine. I agree to your conditions. And then looks down and the thing is on his desk already with the little fucking nice fox thing. Little fucking fox figure, yeah. It's Conti, I'm sorry.

He's reverse pickpocketing shit into people's pockets. Did he just have a little like bandolier of those fucking things? Like I'm a big- Yeah, where are you sourcing these? Like, surely we could get you- That would be my first point of investigation. He's like, all right, where did this come from self yeah yeah who's get right which french guy's getting onyx delivered i guess

massu gets arrested and the two dutch cops are like they go in and they try and interrogate him and they come out and they're like, oh, he's like a stone. She's not gonna get anything out of him. And so Catherine Zeta-Jones walks in there, looking incredible, and whispers in his ear, you can't be calling yourself Matsui Whiteboy. And he folds, instantly. RILEY She just like whispers cracker with like five Ks in the middle at him.

ALICE The first cop to speak Maoist standard English. But the thing, he starts crying and then she just walks straight up to the one-way mirror and starts mocking the cops that she knows so much about. She's so fucking funny. We never find out what she says to him, but it's a fucking incredible book. I would hate to get cop-mogged. It's so fucking funny. Like suck it, idiot, and then she can sing cards, it's great. Yeah, so Bernie Mac is coming out of a nail salon. Which by the way, because the Dutch language is very real, I just paused to see the sign

and the sign says, beauty salon, one word, open quotes, hoofd suck, h-o-O-F-D-Z-A-A-K, close quotes, and HOOFDZAK. So he comes out of the Hooft cluster and he runs straight into Catherine's Issa Jones. SONIA Yeah, and she says, Bernie Mac, you are not allowed to be in the rest of this movie. GARETH Go to jail immediately. SONIA He's in like one or two more shots in this film. Bernie Mac exits this movie. Yeah, you get like one shot later on that's just of him sat in the prison cell, just to

sort of remind you that he's in the movie or what. Is Bernie Mac not available? Like, why is he not in this movie? Who knows. But he's gone. He's in Jail, don't worry about it. He's out, whatever. And so Catherine Cedarsone actually goes to see the boys at HQ, everyone hides except Brad Pitt,

he's like, hey I shaved my hair, it looks like shit. They're really matching each other's freak here, because she pulls the cop move of, I took a bunch of horny surveillance photos of you. Of him taking horny surveillance photos of her? Again, flirtatious, yeah. Here's a long lens photo of you eating an ice cream, like, it's just, these people are like, nasty. It's...

When you're both really good at your job and you start encoding like, hidden messages within your job back and forth through each other flirting with each other, that's a really, that's a really really good time. In my experience, doesn't always work out great when it's YouTube videos, but yeah, it's still very fun at the time. Turns out the videos are still there and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, shit, oh, Night Fox! Night Fox! She's so senegada for this fucking guy. You look down and there's a small onyx fox sitting on the table in the credit sequence, you're just like, what? Oh, I didn't put this here. Um, so. Oh yeah, she she'd like, I don't know. She harasses

him for a bit and then she steals his phone on the way out. Yeah. And the boys are upset because rusty concealed this. And at this point, rusty is just like her dad was a master thief once upon a time. It's right that down. She's kind of one of us. And he takes a stance here, which is that detectives are not included in ACAB because when, when, when Danny Ocean is like, well, she's a cop, he goes, oh, she's a detective. It's like, that's worse. That's the kind that's supposed to arrest you specifically! Like, that's the kind that the subspecies of cop adapted to predate on you. Like... It's quite a fun thing, insight into Rusty's character that he specifically gets off on dating a detective though, that is quite funny. I would also do that if I was a criminal,

that is quite funny. I would do that if I was a criminal. The danger, the cancellation, it's good, it's funny. The cancellation is the real threat. Yeah. This is like me and that crush I have on that right wing YouTuber that I'm never gonna be able to... Fucking what are you saying?

By the way, by the way, when Brad Pitt goes, uh, she's not a cop, she's a detective, he makes the weirdest face I've ever seen Brad Pitt make in any movie. It's kind of like- Yeah, it's the only face I've seen him make in this movie, actually. Yeah, and my note is simply, why did he make that face? Why did he provide us with the episode art for Ocean's 12? Thank you, Brad Pitt. Who knows.

So, they're trapped in the hotel, right, because the cops have surrounded the place and they have to escape. Luckily, also in the hotel are Arsenal, the football team. And so, Yen has to get into an Arsenal bag, they insert this man into the Gunnar bag. ALICE The Gunnar. The rest of them dress up in their goon-ing uniforms. And like, they get on the team bus to leave, and I'm like, yeah, I'm sure football team buses aren't strict about who they're on.

Sure they don't have a list. RILEY If they're wearing the outfit, they're like, yeah. ALICE Yeah, whatever. RILEY You don't know the members of... Sorry, I said members. You don't know the members of Arsenal by sight, man? You're like, yeah, footballer, footballer, footballer, Frank Ocean, footballer, footballer...

Who are these fucking tech guys that I don't recognize? Who are getting on the Arsenal bus? ALICE We all seem quite old to be professional footballers, actually. ALICE They're all the physios, they're all the guys who jerk off your leg until you agree to play football again. But so... ALICE What's happening? ALICE They lose the bag, crucially. The Guna bag gets uploaded onto the coach, and is then, like, sent around Europe.

And they lose track of it. And it's like... RILEY Yeah, you get all of them on a train platform talking about this, and it keeps cutting to pick airport guys kicking the fucking bag with yen in it or whatever. Shotputting it over the top. That's pretty good. Pretty good.

I like this kind of joke, it's the same reason why my favorite bit of The Wire is the surveillance van bit in season two. But so, why are they at a train station? I don't worry about it. Just we're going to Italy. They're just there, yeah, don't worry. They're just hanging out,. They hang out so much. This will be part of the most unsatisfying thing you can fucking imagine later on.

They do so much fucking hanging out in this scene. Like they set up a bunch of stuff for later, like Matt Damon's like, yo, doesn't Julia Roberts look like the actress Julia Roberts in real life? Just fuck me. Yeah, it's not funny. We'll get to this later. They do bits about Frank Ocean looking old, which is just because he has grey hair, like Clooney was in his forties when he made this.

But it's mostly these guys fucking with each other, which I kind of like. Also, Yen is, he's not just getting kicked by security guys, like, if you think about like, checked baggage, he's been x-rayed so many times. Yeah, he's radioactive. Yeah, and he's getting irradiated right now. He's coming out of there like the fucking Chernobyl miners, right? Like he's fucking dead in there. And then the other thing, this was like three years after 9-11 and you're telling me they just let like a Chinese man

who's kind of short into like three different planes as baggage. It's just fantastic. No one noticed? Yeah. Strange. Yeah, like are they not scanning those? I guess I don't know. Like if you work at an airport, which I've got to assume half of you fucking listeners do like, it'll turn out that we've got like tons of guys there. David who works at the airport, Derek and Leonard who work in airport security. Can you, yeah, David, can you just fucking let us know? Like, do you pay attention to the shit's going past you right now? Yeah.

Several Chinese men have just gone past you. You know, that last bag you scanned, there was a Chinese guy in there, man. You fucked up. Looking away to listen to podcasts more intently because they just said my name. This guy got on three separate flights and it was because people were listening to us on a gen 1 iPod and each time we perfectly sniped their own name. Mark. Just yelling names. Hey Lucy, how you doing? Yeah, what's up Lucy? Name a woman. For a dollar, name a woman. Lucy. So I just fully almost like gouged my own eye out trying to pull my fringe back there. I'm so good at being alive. I fully just went up with the thumb and just went... ALICE The fringe is looking really good, I'm here

for Hot November 2025. ALICE I think, I mean climate change, you know. But so, then, Vincent Cassel calls them, and is like, how is the view from Zikak Chow's that they have placed you in, Monami? ALICE Yeah, we have a montage, because they've figured out who the night fox is. I like the night fox. His name is Vincent Cassell.

He's a, you know, French actor or whatever. He's a baron. He's crime Batman. He's super rich. He crimes for fun. He was trained by Lamarque. He's got supermodels. He's got fast cars.

He's got yachts. This actor gets to have so much fun filming his introductory montage. And she's just like fucking supermodels and driving supercars and I'm like yeah! ALICE They're like, this guy he's kind of a spoiled brat, he has the biggest dick of all time stealing wise. He's diabolical. He's phantom-er as well. And so Vincent Cassell, I've been doing him a disservice right, because I've been doing the Z been doing Zuzucar French accent, but he actually talks with this weird kind of pseudo Portuguese accent. It's very sexy actually, he's a very sexy man. Yeah, it's interesting.

He lives in a very nice house on Lake Como, which is actually in real life... You know what, I'm gonna reveal that later on, because it's funny. Yeah, we saved that for the end. We saved that for the end, it's extremely funny. But he lives in this gorgeous house on Lake Como. Yeah, beautiful. Really nice. But he meets Danny Ocean at his extremely lovely villa on the shore of Lake Comer, and

he says, uh, Lamarck is alive, he's my mentor, I was with him a while ago, and, you know, we were chatting to somebody who said that you, Danny Ocean, are the greatest thief in the world, and Lamarck didn't correct him. And so I decided to fuck with you, because fuck you, I'm the best in the world. ALICE Yeah, it's an around the world in 80 days gentleman's club style beef, right? And so, he's like, we are now doing a kind of thief race, where we are both gonna try and steal the same object.

What object, you ask? A Fabergé egg. And this leads to every character in the film saying the phrase, the egg, about fifty different times, I didn't pull any of them. No, me neither. But every time I thought the phrase, the egg. The egg. And if you win, Daddy Ocean, then I will pay your debt to Terry Benedict, who, by the way, I gave all the information to, so I have endangered your life to play this game.

Yes. And if I win, then I guess you'd get killed by Terry Benedict. Yeah. Yeah. And Danny Ocean resents this, but is like, okay, I guess there's no choice, see you in a week, when we have beaten you to the egg. It's gonna be on display in Rome, in the Rome Art Museum, for 48 hours exactly. Museum of Art in Rome. That is how you do it, yes. The museum.

Yes indeed. I'm fascinated by the Museum of Art in Rome as a kind of fictional convenience or a kind of tulpa, right? Video game was very influential on me back in the day, it was called Alpha Proseco. Very stupid game in a lot of ways, not least the fact that one of the sequences is in Rome and has like a terrorist bomb thing that's set at what one character says is the Museum of Art in Rome, and the idea for plot purposes that there is one Museum of Art in Rome called the Museum of Art in Rome... The Museum of Art in Rome.

Yeah, the Museum of Art in Rome. Just kind of occupied a lobe of my brain as like, yeah, you actually don't need to think about this stuff too hard. You can just, it's fine. The Museum of Art in Rome. Location in location. Great. Yeah, exactly. So that's what this is. Again, it's just like, we're not engaged in a lot of detailed world building here. It's a fantasy and that's okay. That's good. Actually, it's it's it's heist city You know, it's like they're like they've got a laser grid that fucking moves around, you know, the kind of thing You can't go in at night

You've got to go in during the day because there's a super laser grid that shoots lasers Randomly and you couldn't ever get through the tripwires. So we're gonna have to go in during the day So they come up with this plan. That's like a little bit ropey. At this point, Suzy is all just enters the film? Yes! Because, because, because Catherine Zisa Jones has stolen the phone, right? And so she's in her office in this incredible suit and tie, oh my god. Oh my god, her fits in this, mmm. Yeah, but she picks up the phone to Suzy Izzard, who is a guy that, at this point, that Brad Pitt had mentioned earlier, is trying to come up with some hologrammatic bullshit to sell

them. And Suzy Izzard is like, hey, your hologrammatic bullshit is finished, come pick up your hologrammatic bullshit. And they do a kind of cheap joke about how Brad Pitt has a sexy female assistant, and then Suzie also has a sexy female assistant. Uh huh. So what she's made is... Shout out to women.

Yeah, shout out to women. Nice to have them in the film, some of them. Women in office wear, as well. Yeah. Shout out to women. Hello. How you doin' out there? Hi women.

Lucy. All the very first women. Lucy. All the very first Lucy. Geraldine! I named Lucy first. I'd be saying hi to Lucy. I named Lucy first. I'm thinking of a different Lucy.

Who I know isn't listening, so I should probably think of her. You Lucy. You Lucy. I guess Tony, hey, how ya. Yeah. What's up, mum? Uh huh. So, so, Suzy Ozard has created this holographic plate that projects an image of the Fabergé

egg. It lasts two minutes, so you can like steal the egg and then you've got two minutes of cover whilst everyone thinks it's still there. Great. Cool. Yeah, it's stupid as fuck. I really like it. Totally stupid.

Meanwhile, Catherine Aziz Jones is onto them. She knows what they're planning. She knows it's a Fabergé egg, because Suzy Azad says, oh, it's good enough to fool the Romanoffs themselves, and then as if that wasn't enough of a hint she looks out of the window to see a big Fabergé egg display, and it's like, oh, a Fabergé egg! It's like, coming soon, the Fabergé egg, or whatever. Coming soon to the museum. She's trying to get a warrant from her boss, and her boss who is even more Euro-pilled

than the Night Fox, so she calls him and he's just kind of like, this is an automatic reply, I'm out of the office until 2027. No. Get ya, don't ask. This is the one European detail in a movie ostensibly about Europe, and it's like, I like this. Well she asked for the jurisdiction to follow them to Rome and he says all you ever do,

you don't ever arrest these people, all you do is you walk around in sexy outfits and really high heels to the crime scenes, visibly getting off on the fact that Brad Pitt is crime cucking you, so no, you don't have jurisdiction, go home. You don't get to. He fully calls her an autopolicephile to her face. Like, my boss if I was a cop, just feel like, you don't actually do any police work, you just kinda walk around enjoying being a cop. It's real sick shit, you have to actually work.

Yeah, you need to arrest these people. So she forges his signature on the crime's permission slip, doctor's note, away from school day things. So like, she comes back to her flat wearing a fully red leather outfit. Oh my god. She looks like Carmen Sandiego, which is the highest compliment I think you can pay a woman. They've accidentally done Diabolic One and they've realized that the secret to these films is you put all of your leading ladies in fucking smoking hot fits. They couldn't do Julie Roberts in the first one because they didn't know what women were, and then in this

one they've finally given Catherine Zeta-Jones some fucking fits to get off and she looks amazing. I'm invested. And Brad Pitt has like, has like James Bond infiltrated her flat, and it's like, ooh isn't crime horny? And to be fair, it is. Like, crime is horny as fuck. Yeah, she says next time I see you I'm arresting you, and I'm just like, is that a promise? No, you go out, motherfucker. You'll never actually arrest him. Wait, sorry, that's your kink, that's not mine.

But so, he's like, give me back my phone, and she's like, no. Meanwhile, the gang are building a little, like, scale planning model of the Museum of Art in Rome. They love to build a little model. planning model of the museum of art in Rome. They love to build a little model. They do. So why? I want to know which of them is building the model because they've done it each time thus far.

It's Basher, clearly. Like I've created a diorama. Oh, fucking hell. Danny, you're represented by this little figurine of the Witch King. I got the Lord of the Rings Warhammer set. Rusty, you're this nazgul listen i didn't i didn't have a small faberjeg so i've got a katan shard i'm putting in the middle of this here i wouldn't work it's the void dragon right why am i fucking frodo they call him basher because it's short for his full nickname kit basher what is that

all right all right we're there we're there, we're there. We've got a bit for this guy. He's there with the little like static grass applicator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's old Drax from Ronin with his little fucking like model. He's always running out of chaos black. You can't really know a bit. I could never get any chaos black.

That's where he spent all of his fucking money. That's why I'm down several million from the fucking ice. I've been in games workshop. It's mostly chipping fluid to be honest. Me and Henry Cavill have just been blowing millions on Warhammer. Just get hairspray mate. You don't need to buy the chipping fluid.

It's fine. But he's done this like beautifully pinwashed diorama of how they're gonna do all this shit. He's got all the fake grass dust on him that gets out of him. He's been watching Night Shift videos the whole time he's not on screen. My friends. Alright, alright, this is impenetrable. Bring it back.

Adding to the official list of KJV implicit recommendations from stuff we've just referenced. Yeah, yeah. Check out Night Shift on YouTube. But so, but so, they go through the plan, the plan is stupid, it's not important. The next bit is, in the middle of the night, the Night Fox decides to fuck with them in the most childish way, which is- This is so funny. He like, changes the alarm on George Clooney's phone. He like rings George Clooney and it's like a hotel wake up call.

Yeah. Is this your 530 AM wake up call Mr. Frank Rochon? Yeah. And there's a detail I really like, which is that Clooney Clooney then like hangs out the phone and then checks his wristwatch. And then we cut to the next scene, which is like him knocking on Rusty's door and like, it's 530 in the morning. Why aren't you awake? And he's like, it's 11.30 the night before, what happened? And we realise he not only called him on the phone

to wake him up, he must have broken in and changed his wristwatches too! That's so fucking intimate! Which is so good. They're like, aw man, this guy's such a cunt, how many fucking, like, how many espressos did you have? And Frank's like, fucking five. Cloy gone off of five nespressos, he's been sitting around with Jean Dujardin, slamming these things back like Yakult. GARETH Yeah, he woke up from my heist, I slammed three original four locos, it's 2004, let's go.

ALICE And so, like, Brad Pitt has to get him into his own room, and like, calm him down, and the next shot, Brad Pitt has to get him into his own room and, like, calm him down. And the next shot, Brad Pitt is wearing a bathrobe. And I'm like, they have had sex. These men have had sexual intercourse. This is a post-coital scene. And then on the day of the heist, everyone is arrested immediately. Yes.

Yeah. They set this to a montage of Vincent Castle doing doing capoeira, the Brazilian kind of dance martial art thing. Which is really impressive, but it also looks a bit like he's trying to fuck the air, which is I guess the most Brazilian you can make a kind of dance martial art. I've never been jealous of air before. Yeah. La penetrada makes sex look like a church.

This will also come back unsatisfyingly. Yes. Yeah. I thought that was pretty satisfying. RILEY Uh, no, I don't think so. ALICE But so, everybody gets arrested apart from three of them. One of the Mormons...

RILEY This is funny. Yes. ALICE Matt Damon... RILEY And Don Cheadle. ALICE And Don Cheadle. RILEY Matt Damon immediately puts on his suit and starts doing a George Clooney impression, which I really like. ALICE He's like, this is how I've seen it done. Um, and so,

But I really like that someone like, fuck it, like one of, one of the, the, the Mormon guys is like, who died and made you Frank Ocean? And he like, genuinely is like, I'm sorry, man. I was just, I was just trying to like, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. Come on. Don't worry. Don't worry. We've got to get this fucking egg somehow. Yeah. And they're like, how are we gonna do this, alright? Well, you might remember that earlier on we implied we were like, you know, you know Julia Roberts is in this movie and she looks a lot like Julia Roberts? What if, can we do something with that?

Can we make that a key plot point of the fucking movie? Yeah. But Dani's wife Tess looks like Julia Roberts on account of she's played by Julia Roberts. It's meta-textual, and so they fly her out under false pretenses. They cant the camera over 90 degrees when the plane gets in, which is the Dutchest angle you can mathematically get. There is no dutcher angle, which I appreciate. Well, we're in Amsterdam!

Yeah, that was really weird, I was trying to figure out what was going on there, because Linus tells Tess to get a flight, I wonder if you guys can help me here, and then there's this Phil shot of one of the New Jersey drones, and I'm trying to figure out what the connection is between that. I'm not, I'm uncertain, you know, I think sending a complex series of messages. So the plan is that they're gonna have Tess, like, come and view the egg as like a celebrity. ALICE And pretend to be pregnant, which is how they work in Julia Roberts, the actress's

real life pregnancy. Like, if you notice why she's not shot from anywhere below neck level in any of the other shots is because she is heavily pregnant making this, and so that's why this scam has to involve her pretending to be pregnant with a pillow. They also do a fun joke where Don Cheadle's character is like, if you're gonna pretend to be Julia Roberts you have to get the accent right, the accent is crucial, because the accent's the first thing people notice. ALICE This coming from you, Don Cheadle, in this year, not taking accent advice from Dick Van Fucking Dyke!

GEOFF Go and make sure you sound like a normal bloke, right? They're gonna get mad suspicious if you sound like a weird bird. And also, another thing, they don't say Julia Roberts at any point, they just call her Julia a bunch, and they go, she looks a lot like... and then like, cut themselves off, and I have to ask, why couldn't you say Julia Roberts? Did you not get permission? She's right there, you can ask. She's on the set! ALICE I must, I do have to say, this must have been so fucking surreal for Julia Roberts to film. The kind of like, in character, as yourself thing. She uses acharacter, as yourself thing.

She uses a real accent, which is charming. SONIA Yeah, there's a moment when they're giving her Julia Roberts facts, like, your middle name is this, and at one point Don Jiddle says, you like croquet, but Cosi's got a fucked accent, I had to listen to it like five times, this sounds like you say you like cocaine. Wow, Julia Roberts really does not mind laughing at herself, like, that's so cool of her. ALICE She's so down to earth.

Shoutouts to Bruce Willis. SONIA Yeah, Bruce Willis is here. ALICE Uncredited cameo. SONIA Well, I guess, yeah. SONIA He says it as himself. ALICE Yeah. So they're like, um, listen, don't worry about it, alright, you're Julia fucking Roberts, this is not gonna be personal, alright, no one is gonna actually know you here.

And then it turns out that like, real guy Bruce Willis was just in the lobby and saw her go past and was like, oh shit, that's my buddy! And like, just walks into the hotel room! This is, I think, this is the funniest part. ALICE Yeah, the bit that I really like with Bruce Willis is everybody explaining the plot of the movie The Sixth Sense to him. And he's like, oh yeah, I figured it out, you're a fucking ghost the whole time, I knew. I knew.

It's just like really good. LIAM He's like, damn, everyone's so smart. Yeah, that's really good. RILEY I think it was that obvious. But he walks in and greets her like a friend, and she's like, ah fuck! It's fucking Bruce Willis! So she has to, like like pretend to be Julia Roberts. This is actually a pretty solid, solid joke here. It goes on a bit too long, but like- He even calls her home to be like,

oh, is your husband home? I want to talk to him. Calls him and like the real, like in-universe real Julia Roberts picks up and then fake Julia Roberts has to talk to her. Like, it's really funny. It's that channel waylavery stuff. Yeah, it's funny. Saul is back, Saul comes back to pretend to be her doctor because he's like, I want to be in the movie again. Yeah, meanwhile, we see occasionally the guys in Italian prison, and Italian prison looks really nice.

Like, it's this kind of like, stylish, yeah, like red walls, it's like, kind of medieval looking. If I'm in prison, the prison cell being stylish isn't high on my list of priorities, but it is on the list. Yeah, it helps with stuff. Yeah, I mean, yeah. It's a nice touch. Coming out of Italian prison with a really stylish shopping bag that just says, il prisono,

or whatever on the side of it, I'm just gonna use this for groceries to be honest. The jumpsuits are really nicely fitted. It's the bit from In Order of Disappearance where they're like, prisons in Norway are so cool. Prisons in Italy, the food is amazing. We've, we've, we've got to end this podcast in the next half an hour or we're all going to Italian prison. They have to do the heist because they're running up against the clock here and so they

have to go and do the heist and Bruce Willis is just there as himself. This is the single most suspicious thing imaginable because they're like, all right, we're going to sprint Julia Roberts to the Fabergé egg and then sprint her out of the museum. Whole time, Catherine Zeta-Jones is just watching on security camera like, I know you fuckers are stealing that egg. They have the picture taken next to the egg and Julia Roberts pretends to swoon by her faking some pregnancy contractions, and so they make the swap and put the holographic egg in its place. And they go to leave at Cathar's, and it's just like, fuck off, you go to jail.

More like, you go to jail. Nice try. You all go to prison. Yeah. And they put Julia Roberts in vaguely predatory lesbian Italian prison? Which, you already kind of had me sold on Italian prison, I wasn't like... Yeah. How do I get sent there?

Sounds cool. Mmm, yeah, I'm also asking this. I'm bringing an energy to this podcast. Yeah. I don't want to go to prison. I just want to put that out there, my two co-hosts seem to want to, I would like not to. Italian prison. You wouldn't if your horny crime. My two co-hosts seem to want to. I would like not to. You wouldn't if your horny crime girlfriend Catherine Zeta-Jones put you in lesbian jail?

That sounds great. Il prison. Well alright, you're selling me on it. Cast cell or whatever. To an Irish lesbian jail? Italian prison. Actually, I saw a documentary that was filmed in an Italian prison. It wasn't very sexy, but it was an adaptation of Julius Caesar put on by the inmates of an Italian prison. It was really fucking good. Can on by the inmates of an Italian prison. It was

really fucking good. Can't recall the name of it. I think my favorite production of Julius Caesar is the one where you were Brutus, then. Aww, thank you. Just genuinely touching. Thank you. It was good, you were good as Brutus. Oh, thank you. So the Feds roll in like a convoy of like black Land Rovers, and they pull Linus Matt Damon out, because they're like, this guy looks like a pussy. RILEY This guy's gonna break first.

ALICE In 2004, which lends this a certain valence, they go, we will fucking torture you if you don't make a deal. RILEY You have been missal'd how fine Italian prison is. We're actually gonna put you in the bad Italian prison. We're gonna put you in American prison, because we're gonna extradite you, we're gonna put you in American prison, which is very bad. That's bad, yeah.

Yeah. They don't have stylish cells. We're gonna do American prison to you. This woman isn't even intended to be hot, and yet. And yet. And so, he folds. Of course he folds. And we get 11 consecutive zoom shots of the Ocean's Eleven getting, like, sort of, like, extradited out of the building, and Catherine Zeta-Jones being in trouble with her boss,

who has found out that she has forged his signature. SONIA Yeah. So they're all in the convoy back, go on the way to the airport, sad times, they're all gonna be extradited back to American prison, which is not sexy or fun. I feel like Italian prison probably isn't either, in real life. But anyway- In real life definitely not, they got Giorgio Maloney in charge of that fucking country. Yeah, god.

Good friends with Keir Starmer though, that's nice. But in the car, the section chief just like, gives Matt Damon the handcuff key and is just like, you okay? Do you want anything? Do you want a juice box? And he's embarrassed, cause it's his fucking mom, innit? It's his fucking mom. It's mum ex machina. No way that you could have known about this, or predicted it, you will never guess how

the movie goes. Fuck you. Fucking fuck. Really, really fun kind of romance scene with Julia Roberts and George Clooney in the back of their car, and then we have, like, Brad Pitt's car peels off from the others and takes an exit at the last second, doing a three-car Monte with cars. A three-car Monte.

Or as Don Cheadle calls it, a three-automobile Montgomery. And... ALICE Shout out to you, Montgomery, if you're listening. ALICE Don Cheadle in this movie calls cars motorized rolling humps, like... RILEY Whole fucking time, oh my god. ALICE Mr. Burns. RILEY Yeah, they go to a beautiful house.

ALICE No, they go to a beautiful airport, first of all. RILEY To be honest, I stopped taking notes at a certain point, I'm going to need help. Catherine Zeta-Jones gets out and then her car drives away, so it's just her and Bradford, and she's like, what's going on? And he's like, it's time for the worst and most contrived bit of the film, because your dad's fucking alive. Yeah.

Tramming down. Your crime dad, who you thought was dead years ago, and that's why you became a cop, because he was crime dad and disappeared, you were to find him secretly, because all women are secretly just about men. He's alive, and we know where he is, so come with us, and you're in the life now, you're a crim now, off we go. Yeah. And she's like, on board with this. This is a bad deal, don't take that deal, now you're an accessory to like several million

dollars worth of theft, versus, you go back and they find out you forged a form? That's an administrative, that's like disciplinary issue. You're a fucking cop, they're not gonna punish you, you could shoot someone in broad daylight in the street and they wouldn't give a shit. Whatever. ALICE So Bernie Mac, meanwhile, gets busted out of Amsterdam prison by the big, like, tattooed, goatee biker guy. Yeah, the third blowjob brother from Ocean's Eleven, to which I write down, average Amsterdam lawyer. Yeah. Like, Bernie Mac, welcome back to the film, you did nothing.

You did not contribute to the heist. Yeah, yeah. Kind of checked out for most of it, to be honest. Much like me. Got paid, though. That's true. Much like me. The Night Fox comes home to his beautiful villa.

On the shores of Lake Como. It's fantastic! Gorgeous villa. Gorgeous house on the shores of Lake Como. It's fantastic! Gorgeous villa! Gorgeous house on the shores of Lake Como! Incredible house. With the egg which he's stolen, he's feeling very pleased himself. George Clooney and Julia Roberts are on the veranda. And he's like, how are you here and not in prison?

They're wearing what rich people actually wear day to day. Like, George Clooney is wearing the rich people luxury polo shirt that rich people wear all the time, Julia Roberts is wearing a really nice, expensive t-shirt, and they look very at home in this location, which is fun. S Which is, there's a reason for that, which is that this beautiful villa on the shores of Lake Como is just George Clooney's actual house that he bought in the early 2000s. George Clooney owns several villas on the shores of Lake Como and actually like popularized it and made it as ritzy as it is now. But he just owns this house, but he didn't even leave his house. He didn't even stand up to film this movie.

He's wearing his own clothes. And he filmed this by going downstairs and sitting on his veranda. Like, fuck you, brother. Works from home. Yeah, like, yeah, my man was working from home while we were for a couple of weeks. He just owns this house.

Fuck you, man. Yeah. Just like, my life like a movie in the sense that I am making a movie with as little disruption on my life like a movie in the sense that I am making a movie with as little disruption on my life as possible. But Josh Clooney is living the best possible life anyone's ever lived on planet earth. And that was this before he became a billionaire, which he is now off the back of his tequila

business. God knows how many Lake Como properties he owns now, but like no wonder he's so fucking nice. He's got the whole outside. He's rigged it completely. I looked this up. He's like on the board of the Lake Como Heritage Association or whatever, he's one of the people who decides who gets to buy a house on Lake Como and what they

get to do with it, like, he's Mr. Lake Como now. Rich people get to just gin up feudal kingdoms anywhere they want, off of not a lot of money. I wish that was a problem I could have in my life to be like, oh, I hope George Clooney lets me buy a house on Lake Como instead of one of the shitter lakes in Italy. George Clooney's told me I have to go buy a house on like a dog shit lake. I've been exiled to a more equitable lagoon. That's the less equitable lagoon as Lake Como. GEOFF GLEWDIE If you're listening, which I know you are,

please, can you speed up our application? LASERKLEIN Yeah, the KJB evil manner on Lake Como that we've been trying to get. ALICE The hype house on Lake Como. We've been trying to go in on the house from the beginning of Quantum of Solace, just because we think it would be funny. GEOFF To be fair, that's probably George Clooney's house too.

LULZ All of these fucking houses. ALICE In Universe, right, what happens is, the Night Fox is like- MUNJU The Night Fox, whose house it is in the movie. ALICE Yeah. ALICE You have lost, I have clearly stolen the thing before you. MUNJU Yeah, Mungu, you're a big bitch. Please tell me that I'm the best thief ever, and then the thing before you. Yeah, Monju, you're a big bitch.

Please tell me that I'm the best thief ever, and then I'll kill you." And fucking Frank Ocean and his wife Julia Roberts are like, sure man, whatever, yeah, you're fine at this. Just tell us how you did it. And then we'll admit you're the best. He basically just did it by being really good. Yeah, he just went in and stole it, is how he did it. He like, he climbed in while the two brothers were like slap fighting each other and calling

each other the arse-ler. And then he capo-aeroed his way past the laser beams, like Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment. He capo-aeroed his way past the laser beams. Oh, adorable. But unlike Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment, this is a deeply, deeply unsatisfying scene because all the lasers just added in post and this is just the guy doing capyera on a floor. Yeah. So it's just there's no real sense of threat to it at all. Yeah, the first time you see it, it's like, oh wow, that's cool. And then the second time you see it, you're just like, oh wait, they just put those in in post. Yeah, they just, they just sort of had him do things and then added them afterwards so they were

like just swooping past him. Also not shot super good. Whatever. Thing I like about this, and a real problem with the heist movie as a genre is you kind of get the sense of when you've been outwitted, and this would be happening to me if I lived in a heist movie all the time, of they don't tell him that like, oh we fucked you over, they just wait and he goes, wait a second, wait a second, you got me, you got me. How did you get me? How did they get me?

Uh huh. And the answer is none of the last, like, hour of the movie counted or made sense, because... None of that mattered. They got a phone call from fucking Pepe Le Pew, the best thief in the world, the biggest dicked man in Europe, and he's like, I feel badly about the thing, so I'm just gonna give you a cheat code. The Fabergé egg is just gonna be in a Belstaff bag on a train, undercover, going to... and that's why they're at the train station, because they did a little train heist, which isn't

really a heist. They stole that fucking egg before they ever even spoke to the night box. The entire second half of the second act and the whole third act of this movie doesn't fucking matter. They did that as a laugh. All of the money they spent on that, all of the shit they sent to Suzy Azar to create a perfect replica of it holographically, wasted money. Fuck you.

Fuck you, listener. Were you paying attention? Were you paying close attention? Fucking shouldn't have. Fucking wasted your time, didn't I? Yeah, wasted time. Annoying. Just upsetting to me.

It's just an excuse to go to Italian prison for a bit. I guess this is the other thing. They got arrested! They had to get Libus' mom to bail them out for no reason. You guys are not good thieves. Pretty fucking risky too. This whole plot was like a slap fight between two old French men using 11 Americans as a kind of like, implement in a kind of poly beef.

Pretty risky gambit too, because like, what if the Italian authorities said like, no we're not gonna extradite you? Or what if they'd noticed that Linus' mom's credentials are fake? I mean this is a huge risk take. You have to be in a production of Julius Caesar in Rome prison, I guess. What if they put someone else on the case? Also, like, fucking Sky, why not just say the prison was fake too? Fucking Sky's the limit. Like, those weren't real prison guards, it was all just a set.

Does Frank Ocean dream the heist, or does the heist dream Frank Ocean? Yeah, you know, Sky's the limit when you can just, just like, click can just click undo the last hour of the movie, but whatever. It's like obviously all of it was fake, you made it up. But my favourite aspect to this is Julia Roberts is in this scene doing the smug like, I outsmarted you didn't I? A woman whose entire intersection with this plan was done in blind panic the whole time she was present. And then she just felt like, fucking outsmarted you didn't I? And it's like, you didn't do shit, you did not do fucking anything.

So he stole the replica. You don't even have the, like, sensation of being fooled pleasantly, you know? It's like, like in Three Card Montgomery, you just have the sensation of being, like, fooled unpleasantly by someone who hasn't told you a crucial detail. Like, it's just annoying, is what it is. They just cheated. Anyway, so this was their end of the deal, because in exchange for this they have reunited Lamarck with his daughter, Catherine Zeta-Jones. Yeah, Lamarck sounding like French Michael Gambon, Michel Gambon.

Did you recognize this man's voice? Did you recognize this man's voice? Did you recognize this man's voice? Yeah, it's fucking Albert Finney from Skyfall. Will you commit to this program? It's him! It's him! It's the Mr. Will You Commit to This Program? He's back!

Will you commit to this program? Welcome back, Albert Finney! Will you commit to this program? Will you commit to this program? We love it. We love it. Heisting a fucking hour of my life. Yeah, and instantly she gives up on being a cop, the thing which she seemed to really

enjoy as a, like, sort of schema for flirting with Brad Pitt, and joins the, like, found crime family. Yeah, that relationship isn't gonna last, because now you can't chase him around, like, threatening to arrest him, which was like the whole... Yeah. That was where the whole, yeah. Yeah. That was where the spark was, you know? Yeah. That was the spark. You fucked it. Yeah. Now that's, Devin said, like all those messages are still there and it's just weird now.

Yeah. Yeah. You just go back, you're scrolling up through the group chat like, oh, yeah. People are going to leave comments asking what it means. You just got to be like, yeah, Yeah, people are gonna leave comments asking what it means, you're just gonna be like, eh, it doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. I was just really, like, down really bad, and I was just like, eh. But so then, we get one last scene of them, like, this is how it felt when, like, you and your, like, dipshit cousins got the, like, clay poker set at Christmas?

Yeah. Oh, Terry Bennett gets his money back, by the way, but the Night Fox is scoping him out to steal shit from him. Great. And they hang out in the like, found family poker game. Bernie Mac is there, they're like, were you in this movie? And he's like, yeah I was, I'm Bernie Mac. And they're like, what?

Would've been funnier if in that scene at the end they're just going, oh shit we have Bernie Mac in prison! Oh fuck! It just like cuts back to him just in they're like, what? Would've been funnier if in that scene at the end they're just going, oh shit, we have Bernie Mac in prison! Oh fuck! It just like cuts back to him just in prison, like, hmm. After credit secrets of him in jail in Amsterdam. Home alone in Dutch prison. Yeah, that whole credits is just over him sat in prison, just like, twiddlin' his fuckin'

thumbs. He's the villain of the third film, he breaks out and then gets his revenge. It's pretty good. That's a better ending, yes. What it actually ends with is the card The Joker. Great. This movie... With me, you feel the time, part of it. Received mixed reviews from critics, I'm seeing.

Also. But it also grossed 362.9 million worldwide, becoming the 10th highest grossing film of 2004. Jesus Christ. So they made another! Wow. Now that's a heist. You could just do anything.

You could just do whatever the fuck you wanted. Yeah. When was YouTube invented? Like 2005? I should know this. Yeah, hang on. This is pre-YouTube, isn't it? So this is before social media started consuming all of like low and medium budget content.

You really could just fucking make anything. Honestly. God. Because no one has anything else to do. It was a better time. budget content, you really could just fucking make anything. ALICE Honestly. ALICE God. ALICE God. There was a better time. We were born in the wrong time period. We could be making this. We could be administering who gets to fucking live in Lake Como.

You know? RILEY I'd love to administer who gets to live in Lake Como. ALICE What the podcast is gonna be? RILEY That's gonna be me and no one else. ALICE We gotta find a worse lake. We could decide who gets to live by the side of a big puddle in the road in England. Yeah, absolutely. The puddle that you have to drink from.

Or the heritage board of the puddle. Yeah, some bits converging. Yeah, selling puddle side houses. What do we think of this movie? Real bad. Really bad fucking movie. It's not a movie, it's an excuse to hang out disguised as a movie. Much like this podcast.

I've had more fun talking about it than I did watching it. Certainly. This is the thing, like, what they've done is they've figured out the same grift as us, and this is why we could've been administering Lake Homo, right, is because we figured out that if you just kind of vaguely tie it to the notion of a movie, you can get paid to hang out with your friends. And they figured that out too, and they made exponentially more money off that shit than we did. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I can't criticise it, it's just us. It's just us again. But if, like, there were twelve of us and we all had, like, infinity money. If there were nine more of us. If there were millions in play. Yeah. Fuck me. I- The Highest Growsome movie of 2004 was Shrek 2. So, our conclusion to this is that we're jealous?

I guess we're haters. Yeah, kind of. Yeah. We're jelly. I fucking am. We're wibbly wobbly jelly on a plate and we're haters. You know what? I am a hater.

Fuck this movie. Fuck everyone who helped make this movie. Fuck you Steven Soderbergh. Fuck you George Clooney. Your tequila shit. Please cast us in Ocean's 14 or Ocean's 9 or whatever you do next. You've already had a trans woman in it! You've already had one. It's just, it's just like back in the day, you could, you could actually, you could just be friends with people. You could be like, I want me and my friends to be in a movie, call Steven fucking Soderbergh or whatever the fuck.

And then, as a consequence of that, not only do you not have to pay for any of the shit, they pay you hundreds of millions of dollars. Whereas now you can still do that, but you're doing it on YouTube for ad money. And it's like, you're having fun and you're doing like a fun day, having a great time being on Brandon Rogers show. And it's really fun. But I'm like, Hey, Hey, Hey, Brandon's a friend of mine. I had a great time on that show, like cameoinging on class acts, but like, I didn't get paid

100 million dollars for it! ALICE Yeah, Mr. Beast is crashing trucks into like, all the other lakes of Italy, and that's fine, I guess, it probably isn't, but like, it's just... ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS

ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS ZACH GASPS talking about Mr. Beast on this fucking show. In Italy they call him Senior Beast. I think Jimmy's a really nice guy and uh... ARE WE FUCKING EVEN?! HE IS A FUCKING EVIL MAN! IF YOU'VE SEEN THE BEAST GAMES THIS IS A COMPLETELY IRREDEEMABLE PIECE OF SHIT. WE ARE NOT DOING THIS.

I've not seen the Beast Games... yet. Well check it out and then feel your heart fall out of your fucking feet. I've been watching Beast Philanthropies. I check it out and then feel your heart fall out of your fucking feet Oh my god fuck fuck him fuck him to pieces we have a science-based system I can't say this on mic, I'm gonna just turn it off mic. It stands for smarm, cultural incenses, unprovoked violence and misogyny. How much should Mr. Be- how many years should Mr. Beast receive an Italian prison? I believe very firmly he should go to prison for whatever they can make stick. Like just fucking put him in and then figure it out afterwards.

He's gonna be president someday man. How smarmy is this movie? prison for whatever they can make stick. Just fucking put him in and then figure it out afterwards. It's gonna be president someday, man. How smarmy is this movie? I don't think there's an upper bound on this one. Again, it's part of the same genre as like Cannonball Run, right? Where you get a person who is famous enough that they're like, fuck, maybe my friends have a new rat pack, you know? Like, fuck off. It's so smarmy and it's just a vehicle for like, me and my boys. So like... It's real bad.

Nine. Eight. Eight. Nine. Nine. Nine. Fuck yeah, nine. Alright, let's do it. Inflation. Give it space to go up for the next one, but nine. Yeah. Cultural insensitivity. It glosses over everything so lightly that like, it doesn't have time. It's not interested.

This is boring. It's just fucking boring. Yeah. I don't think it's insensitive against anyone except, well, it does use the arse there a lot, but I mean, like, racially it's not. There are, like, people of colour in the gang, they definitely take a back seat. Or literally, it's a prison seat for most of it. Also true, yeah.

Yeah. But I just have to sit in prison for the whole fucking movie. ALICE It's gotta be like, I dunno, like a two or something. RILEY Two? ALICE It's pretty low. RILEY Yeah. ALICE You're not coming out of that movie thinking this was offensive, like, culturally.

RILEY Yeah, it's crime, there's no actual repercussions for any of these things, so like, no one dies. Unprovoked Vinyl's way down. ALICE Unprovoked Vinyl's scurvy. RILEY Yeah. ALICE It's gotta be like a one. RILEY Yeah, they don't knock out any guards or like... No.

Not at all. But anyone... The security guard, our beloved security guard, completely unharmed in this one. It's gonna be one, it's gonna save it. Misogyny? I mean, you can make an argument, but like... There's three women. Yeah, Julia Roberts gets to do something, Catherine Zeta-Jones is doing something the

whole way through, it is doing the thing from the last movie of like, women are heist objects, it thinks it's romantic, it's closer to being right this time because it's mutual, but then it really undermines it at the last second with the whole daddy issues thing. Yeah, women are still for and about men, like even Matt Damon's mum is like about his dad. It's like a representative of his dad, and the conversation they have is about his dad, and it's like, can you have some women who are there for themselves? I think that's vintage, like, 2004 misogyny, right? We're gonna see Hollywood adapt in the course of this franchise, we're gonna see the cynical

reboot for girls, but we're not there yet, and so on that basis I think like a, I don't know, like a three or a four. I wanna give it like four or five, because like, still all the women are four men, and I'm like, I wouldn't want to play any of these roles except arguably Catharzya Jones, even though I'd be upset about the ending. Yeah, I'll go four. Yeah, I'll go four set about the ending. Yeah. I'll go four.

Yeah, I'll go four. Four. Okay. Right. That gives us a total score of... Sixteen. Pretty middle of the road, yeah. Not too bad, but again, it's because the movie doesn't do anything.

It's worse than the last one, they're getting worse. Yeah, it's a movie that kind of like, it passes the time for two hours, much like, again, it's the same grift. They figured it out. It's like, oh, the content's mediocre? Two hours of your life have gone past. You haven't even noticed. Have you, Fiona?

And that second hour? Complete waste, wasn't it? You could have cut half this shit out, you know? Like, it doesn't... It just, it's content. It's content. It's content before content was a thing.

It is! It's a hundred and ten million dollar content. Slop! Yeah. Slop, it's Slop for Hogs. Normally you'd have to go to Mr. Beast's to get that kind of thing. This has been one of the like, most nothing movies I've seen for this. It was nice to catch up with the two of you, I've already missed you over the course of the most nothing movies I've seen for this. It's so little.

It was nice to catch up with the two of you, I've really missed you over the course of the whole time. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. This has been nothing. If you want, Anna, to feel more parasocially connected to us, then what you can do, Rachel, is to subscribe to our Patreon, because we have a bonus episode coming out, and the next one is Escape from LA. And we have a very good guest on for that episode.

I'm really excited for this one, actually. I had such a good time with that fucking episode. We're recording that one in like half an hour, I can't wait. So thank you so much. Subscribe to the Patreon. I never do- subscribe to the fuckin' Patreon. It's like five pounds a month. Okay, everything's getting so much worse and expensive in Britain that this is getting

a better deal every day. This is that Jordan-y deal now, alright? Just, you get the whole backlog, it's really good. I think we make great stuff. You should sign up, Ahmed. Yeah. Fuckin' sign up, man. Hedging my bets and going with Mohammed. Yeah, but thank you so much for listening, Mario, Luigi, there are others.

And we will see you in Luigi. Hey, Luigi, if you're listening, thanks for listening, bro. Thanks for listening. Putting that shit on the jail iPod in American prison. Alright, bye everyone. Bye! Oceans 13. Jeez, oh my god. I'll do it, I'll do it. Just give me a second, I'll do it, give me a moment. And if that is simply too long for you to wait, then next week on the bonus feed on Patreon.com slash KillJamesBond, all one word, we are talking about Escape from LA with special guest Morgana

Ignis from Dracula's Ex-Girlfriend, Hell of a Boss and class acts. We just finished recording that before I recorded this jazz outro so I can pretty safely say that it is an absolute banger. And if that is not enough to swing you on the Patreon, last week's free episode, Star Wars Episode 2 Attack of the Clones, and that, now that, is a bang. That's worth a fiver, however you cut it. And special thanks of course to our £15 and above patrons and those are Gilda Dragon, Lowbjorn's daughter, Candy Fox, Freya, Allowicious, Gustavo, Lira, Espeth, Hunt, Nick Boris, Jordan Gammie, Mike Berg,

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Kill James Bond is November, Abigail and Devon. Our podcast art is by John De Luca. Our website is by Tom Allen and for some reason I do this out of order but hey, our producer is the wonderful Mr Nape Thay. And I'll see you next time.