Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Ally's New Passport Photo

Episode Date: August 12, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. Now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. Alley believes that this is the most important picture you will take in your entire life.

More important than your wedding photos, more important than... Driver's license, more important. I think you're crazy because of how rare you use a passport. No, because you use this one for longer. It's 10 years. I understand you're going to have that picture... At least 10 years. And in those 10 years, you're going to show it to maybe three people.

I will be looking at it and I will know. You will look at your own passport and look at all of the stampless pages? Yeah, when I go, oh, my God, where's my... Excuse me, I have stamps. Look at all these blank pages where I could have had stamps. I get upset because I got a new passport and all the stamps are gone. I would really like to transfer the stamps so that I can fill up the book. Do they at least put a hole in it and let you keep the passport as a souvenir or do they take it back?

I do get to keep it this time. I thought you had to send in your old passport. I thought they shredded it. Yeah. No, you get to keep it now. Yeah, those are your memories. And if you do some travel, not that anyone's ever really done that, But I guess it would be fun to look back and go, well, look at that time I went to Mexico.

There's a stamp right there to prove it. But for the most part, Allie believes that the passport photo is the most important. And she's so sick and tired of taking these terrible photos of herself. Well, the last one I took was so incredibly bad. We talk about the race pictures you take that are terrible when you run in the races. No, that's different. Those are different. So you had a 10 year for a decade.

You were stuck with a terrible, embarrassing. passport yeah i will i will send it to the group right now just because i do want for reference you to know what it looked like before and so this time you decided going into taking the pictures i'm going to go ahead and stack the deck in my favor as best i can did you get a blowout or something before no i didn't do anything like that however some people i'm not kidding some people will actually like the day they're going to take a driver's license photo or a passport photo will do a legitimate beauty regimen before, which seems to me like

who cares? It's a whole thing on TikTok. Watch me get ready to take my passport photo and I'm going to follow this girl's advice. And there's like specific video of how she does her makeup for a passport. But it's hard because even if you do all that blowout and makeup and all that stuff, they don't want

you to smile. Like in the passport photo, I sent men in a smiling one and they said this won't work. They go, eee. No, because I got to take it at home. I got to do it at home. Did they force you to do it at home? You'll do this in the...

Stay at home. Don't come to the DMV. The opposite of a passport is to stay at your house. No, now I can renew my passport online, and instead of going into a passport photo place, you can take it at home, provided you use their criteria. You have to have a white background.

It can't be all shadowy and weird-looking. A white background with your face versus floating eyeballs. Seriously. And that was the problem I was having, Clyde. I thought it used to be a blue background, or is that the driver's license? This is a white or light gray background, and they filter it and check it before approving it. And they have to 100% know that you are not using any filters or help or glow-up features or anything like that.

No AI polishing. Right, because the idea is if you bring in your own picture, most people would go to like a CVS or post office, Walgreens, whatever. Some guy that gives zero Fs grabs a camera. Sometimes it looks like it's the first time they've ever used it. Stand there, click, here's your picture, and you go, eee. And this was my last passport photo. This was taken, so this expired. So this was over 10 years ago that this was taken.

And I went into one of the places and got no choice in the matter. Oh, my God. It's not good, guys. That's 10 years ago. That looks like 10 years in the future. I know. I look horrible. You look like a mom from Wisconsin.

Yes, I know. I look like I'm faking a passport. Wow. That is a terrible hairstyle you went with, too. Well, that was just what was going on with my hair at the time. But also, I had my roots were showing. For some reason, my face looks way smaller. Like, my facial features are so tiny compared to my head.

It's weird. You have a tiny head but a huge forehead. So, it's a weird mixture right there. You've got the five head. And the lighting is not doing me any favors because, yeah, I'm pasty. But in all seriousness, the idea of who's really, other than you, who's looking at the passport. Your passport is pretty, like, private. I don't think you have it on display.

So you show it to someone at customs once in a while. Yeah, but I know that it looks better. So when it was my time to pick my new photo, take my new photo, I had the control. So I was putting my computer, balancing it on different levels of chair. Oh, your computer has that? You have that built-in filter in your computer. Yeah, I won't do it for pictures. Oh, it won't?

No. You've tried it? No, it broke. Yeah. So I'm moving to different walls, different backgrounds. backgrounds i'm cropping i'm uploading and there was finally one that i was like okay this is just gonna have to do i've been doing this for like 45 minutes i have to give up you know one day and eventually you just have to call a spade a spade like it's not gonna get better and my

face is not symmetrical one of the eyes looks differently shaped so in a straight head on like i'm better at an angle if i'm looking straight onto the camera it's very strange you look like a picasso yeah or it looks like i'm going like this even it looks like i have my head cocked that I'm doing a weird crazy eyes thing even when I'm just looking straight at the camera. What's wild to me is that you spent 10 years going, I can't wait till I can get a new passport so I can try to do a do-good photo in this time.

Yeah. Because I've had bad, you know, I had a driver's license picture I think when I was 22 and it was actually a good picture of me and it was probably the only good picture I've ever taken and I tried to milk that, I milked that picture for-

You try and keep it. I had a really good one. I kept it for like three different renewals and finally they just looked at me and go, you don't look like this at all. Yeah, I know. And then you're going to have to do a different picture. I think it was not my 16th birthday, but the next one I had taken, I was tan.

I was hot. I looked great. And I didn't even barely have makeup on. I just looked refreshed and happy. And I tried to keep it for as long as I could. It's almost like the DMV wants to not allow you to have a good. It's like they like the idea of knowing that they're going to ruin your next five years, passport people, 10 years.

It's because, let's be honest, when you arrive in the country, you're just coming off the airplane. So you actually look like how you arrived from the airplane. yeah oh yeah this matches yeah exactly you look haggard and gross when you're showing them your passport because if you look too good then they go wait a minute who the hell's this i actually would rather someone look at the picture and then in real life go hey you're a better version than this i would hate someone to look at the picture and they go yeah what happened to you 818 said hey my mom's from wisconsin and she's beautiful okay sorry so i got my passport photo i sent it

in it was approved again i had submitted one and it said you're smiling too much please submit one where you're not smiling. So this was the one that was approved and I just got it in the mail and I am so happy with it. You're happy with that? What? Allie, why are you feeling terrible?

That's much worse than the other one. Guys, I look like, who is she? What is she doing, a woman of mystery? She's not smiling. She's got eyebrows. Look at her. Do you see your giraffe neck in that picture? What?

Giraffe neck? It goes all the way. I'm long and mysterious. Sorry, I even had to try cropping it out a little bit for you, Allie, but that thing was damn long to get in the post. It doesn't even all fit in the square. You thought this was a good picture. Look at the top one.

It's all pixeled, so it's grainy and you don't know. Look how hot she is. We're going to fill in the blanks here. You look like a tortoise. No, I don't. And then I've got this thing with my eyebrows where I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what's happening.

I'm just a mysterious woman trying to go to a different country. Allie, I'm not saying this to be funny. I'm really not. I think you're being funny, trying to pretend you think this is a good picture. No, I think this is a good photo. I'm happy with this. This is worse than your running picture. You want to hear what ChatGPT has to say about it?

Yes. Yes, I do. It says, the lighting is atrocious. It has a warm, murky quality of a photograph discovered in a box label evidence from 1987. Okay. Come on. This is, now you put it on a funny filter or something. There's a giant shadow around her head and hair.

It makes the person look like they're being integrated by a desk lamp. Yeah, that's mysterious. That's not a good picture. The fact that you put that much effort and thought into this. You think it's worse than this one? Yes. No way. Yeah, put them both side by side.

Let the people decide. I promise you. Donezo. Yeah, thank you, Johnny. Put the old one and the new one. Vanessa, be honest. You'll be honest with Allie. Okay.

You look pretty, but you look a little bit ghostly. I know. You look like, are you a ghost? Yeah. The face is extremely flatly lit. It's supposed to be. You look like you're from the 1940s. I know.

It does look like... A different time period, guys. That's where I belong. There's like old-timey photo booths to get her picture taken for her passport. 323 said you should put Ali's serious photo on a wanted poster. 626 said Ali in general looks like a Picasso painting. Yeah, but that's the thing. This picture, to me, is giving like she's wanted by the authorities for a terrible crime.

Right. On old-timey, cowboy poster. Yeah, like a cowboy poster. Guys, we're all saying the same thing. You're viewing this as negative. This woman was raping horses. That's what I'm getting from this. You look like a dude trying to make it into the WNBA.

You know what? That actually is a spot on. Whoever said that. Again, we're saying this like it's a bad thing. I can't believe. I still can't figure this out. Are you being funny when you say this? No, I really like this.

What did your wife say? She hasn't seen it yet. Okay. I'll ask her. You texted to her. Hold on. Let me get her on the phone. Is she available to talk?

This looks like a woman who died on the Titanic. It does And they just found her in the water I definitely was a third class passenger That's Allie floating under the door In the old Titanic I'm calling your wife after this song And do not text it to her

I want to get her reaction in real time Because she's your wife and she should be honest And hopefully she'll feel the way you do But I have a feeling she won't