Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Ally's Overrated Luau

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. And now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. Overrated experiences.

You thought about them. Maybe you thought about them your whole life. You finally went and did it. You thought, this is what I got to do. And then you experience it and you go, well, that kind of sucked. Yeah, and you've done this experience before. And you kind of warned me about this before we were leaving on our break. Because I said I was going to do it.

I had never done it before. It was pitched by my family. I was on a family vacation. And they said, the whole family is going to do this. Are you in? And I said yes to the luau. which essentially is a big group of white people donning leis and culturally uh culturally appropriating the hawaiian culture while being taught to hula dance by a hawaiian person and

then there's some fire dancing or is there yeah that's one of those things that kind of got the treatment where all the cool things about the luo i think have been slowly phased out well you get a lot like in the pictures on the websites you do see a lot of what you well it What you see is the last two minutes of the show, which is them dancing with fire sticks. I signed up for one because the picture I saw, the woman had a coconut bra with two spinny fire sticks on the bra and was spinning her boobs around a helicopter in flames. And I said, that's the family luau for me. There was one ad I saw that said it was the most dangerous fire show on the island. And I was like, great.

It was fire and knives. Yeah. In person, I got none of that. Is there no fire breathing? There was no fire breathing. They don't do fire breathing, Omar. That is a stereotype. They did a fire spinning with the stick.

Their biggest trick was putting the fire through the leg. Oh, I've got the stick on one side of the leg and my other stick on the other side. Yeah, but you see that giant dead pig on the table, right? That's the other thing, Omar, is I thought when I was going to walk in after they laid me, I thought I was going to see a giant roasting, suckling pig. Did they fight when you got there as to who had to lay you? Did they go, like, I don't want to. I won't be able to get it over her.

Do you think you were the pig? Just put this apple in your mouth. It's still on the table. Rotate, damn it. And my family had decided to spring for the prime viewing. Oh, what a scam. So we had the ticket that was like one of the closer tables to the stage. Your folding table was three inches closer than the people that got the Groupon for the same.

Exactly. The same luau. Yes, and the things that are the biggest bonuses at the luau, I was not able to take advantage of. Like, hey, over here, there's a bar with unlimited alcohol. Right. You can go back and forth as many times as you want. Every drink is included. Yeah, pregnant in a luau kind of sucks because a lot of it's that raw fit, the poke stuff.

Unlimited poke, and everyone said that was the best part of the luau. Best food item was the poke, and I couldn't take part in that either. I got a separate little dish of avocado, tomato, and cucumber. Oh, so sad. It's very sad. And then it's interesting that you mentioned the coconut brock line. Because once it got going, we started eating and stuff. They did these little pre-show things where it's like, let me show you how to open a coconut.

Let me tell you about the story of Hawaii and how it started. I'm glad you mentioned that. There's these little precursor ones where they're like, the show's starting. No, it's not. Here's the thing. What I learned about this, and I don't want to warn anyone, they try to make it educational. They try and teach you about the whole story. And at one point I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on here.

Hold on here. I'm not here to learn about your culture. I'm just here to insult it. I thought we're eating and there's someone with spinning coconut boobs. And what is this? Now I'm learning about the history of the culture. I didn't sign up for it. It all used to be one island and then it's separated and the whole thing.

I'm not trying to graduate in Hawaii. I don't need a full lesson in this. They're like our whole history lesson is being taught through dance and through story. Terrible way to learn. And through song where they had all the songs as well. And then the guy blows into the conch shell. Yeah, they did the conch shell. I go, does that mean time to eat or what?

No, no, no. That means time for another lesson. They also had little side activities that you could do like painting. And they had tribal tattoos, fake tribal tattoos that you could put on. And you could choose between a turtle and a tribal band. And of course, my kid really wanted the little tattoos. So I got both of them on him. And then he goes, you get one, mommy.

I go, okay, I'm going to do the tribal one. And he proceeds to It's like a rollover It's like a paint roller And it doesn't even go all the way around my arm And I'm like can you finish my arm And he goes It's an 8 inch print ma'am

That's all you get You get 8 inches next person We weren't expecting the arms this big at the luau tonight I'm sorry So then at around I mean we get there at 5 o'clock Very early And by 7.30 is when the show finally starts

Also, they charge a buttload for these things. It was $350 a person. Yeah, the markup on a luau is astronomical. But they show all this stuff like, oh, this is unlimited food, but you can't eat that much of it. Some people can. I feel like every once in a while they get like a real mainlander that comes in there and throws down a bunch. But for the most part, they know the average person is not going to be able to shovel that much food down. I know they're thinking, oh, a bunch of fat Americans are coming over.

I know that we're all Americans in Hawaii too, but they look at us differently. They really do hate the mainlanders there. Well, I don't know if they hate them, but I think there's a little animosity there. I think you've got to be grateful for the tourism and that kind of thing. The fact that we're ponying up so much money. I mean, it's expensive there, too. It's like 10 bucks for a cup of coffee. So I think it's nice that we're spending some money.

But still, there are a lot of little things as well with the service. It's like you're paying a lot of money to be there. And they're like, can I get anyone anything? I'm like, oh, can I get some water? And they're like, yeah, the water dispenser's over there. This is why I've made a very unpopular opinion that I agree with. But I think traveling to Mexico, to me, I like better than going to Hawaii. I think it's closer.

I think the people are nicer there, friendlier. I think the food is better. The packages, I think, are better when people do those. Yeah, and they don't try to bamboozle you into some weird show where they're going to not do spinning coconut bras. We're not going to teach you anything. so then the show starts and then the ladies are dancing and they've got on full

dresses with they've got their bellies covered, they've got sleeves all the way down to their wrists not sexy. I'm like what is going on? They're like I think we got a family friendly one. I'm like what is going on? Where are the coconuts? So I thought I accidentally signed up for a gay luau

because of the one I went to even though the website had all good looking women there was when you got there the women were all not good looking wearing huge dresses and the guys were wearing loincloths and all jacked and ripped. Yes, and their asses are out. Right, and I'm going, what is happening here? What a switcheroo this is.

Yes, I know. And then finally, they're teasing and teasing and teasing. We're going to get to the fire dancing, but first this. We're going to get to the fire dancing, but first this. I mean, at like 8.15, we're all exhausted and full, and they're like, now we want to acknowledge all the anniversaries and birthdays that are taking place at the Luau right now. Please stand up, Dawn and Tiffany.

Congrats on 50 years. then the last three and a half minutes you got some fire dancing and now get the hell out of here. Yeah, these are experiences that you think you have to do. It's almost the pressure. When am I going to be in Hawaii? I got to do a luau. I mean, I've been to Hawaii a few times. I've never thought

to do this. Hey, Michelle, what experiences did you have that you found to be incredibly disappointing even though you were super excited about it? Hey guys, good morning. I did a solo trip. You know, eat, pray, love Costa Rica by myself. I fell for the scam, bungee jumping, never done

it, bucket listing. I did it. I was stuck upside down for 13 minutes. He couldn't pull me up. I was so twisted. And you know, my core, not strong either, could not get up. And to top it off, I paid 300

bucks for the GoPro footage that I could never... I was stuck upside down. Would you like to live this moment forever? They always ask you beforehand. It's you hanging upside down for 13 minutes. So you have GoPro footage of you hanging upside down for 13 minutes straight? Yeah, I do.

Never seen. Never seen. I'd like to see that. Yeah, we'd like to post that on Klein Alley Show if you'd let us borrow that, please. All right, well, I get it. Some things aren't worth it. Some things aren't worth it. You've got to experience them to know.

Klein Alley Show, some things aren't worth it. Add that to our mini list of slogans. I'm KRLQ. Good morning.