Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - HOUR 3- Old People's Secrets, Man vs Machine and MORE

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. Now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. This is the world famous K-Rock. Alright, good morning. It is just after 9 o'clock. We have a lot for you.

This hour kicks off with your Six Flags tickets. Thrill capital of the world. Doing that every hour starting now all day long, so be ready to claim your tickets. All you've got to do is be the 20th caller. No skill needed. You've got to dial some numbers in the right order and get through. 800-520-1067. Why do we do this? Good question. because we like to give you experiences and access. And sadly, we still celebrate the phone lines here at KROQ. If you're local and want to use the 323-TIP-BOLI line,

go ahead and try to sneak through that way as well. We will also qualify one of you for the 2027 Gold Passes so you can enjoy all the six flags you could possibly handle. That's happening this hour and every hour all day long. Also coming up, Allie, Old People's Secrets to get to. And we will get you into the Hollywood Bowl. This time you'll have to figure out what song is being performed by Johnny and Vanessa, a duet,

as they attempt to bring you the sweet sounds of the maestro of the movies. Were you back at the Bowl, or where were you last night? Last night I was at the Crypto. Ah. That's where you were gaying it up with Benson Moon? I don't know if there's... Counting Crows wasn't gay enough for you?

I don't know if there's a better collection of two back-to-back shows. I don't like going to shows at all. I gotta go to Rufus DeSoul just to go ahead and even things out. I think I'm gonna have to do that part. but the Benson Boone, that guy is... The Benson Boone?

He's a good man? Because of a lot of flipping around and stuff? And you didn't even stay for the whole show? No, no, I got on my kid out of Tantrum. We had to leave. What? Well, he went for his kids. Yeah, it wasn't interesting.

Right, but... To be honest, I sat on my phone most of it, and then you do a backflip. I go, oh, look at that guy flip, and then he's got a good voice. Oh, you didn't try and watch to share the experience with your daughters? A little bit, but, you know,

she was dancing and singing along, the mystical, magical crap. I don't know what's going on. She enjoyed it. It was for them. It was a selfless act. I'm so selfless, Allie, in reality,

that all I'm doing is stuff for others. Well, yeah, the Counting Crows was for your sister and this is for your women. Am I right? And this Friday pool party

is clearly not for me. I'm dreading it, but you guys seem like you. Apparently it's not for any of us. Well, it's for someone. What band are you going to get to play? There was talk of a magician.

Oh, a magician. A mentalist. A mentalist. Okay. We're all mentalists if we go. Justine. Good morning. You're on KROQ.

Hi. Hi. Did you say Justine? Yes. Is that you? Yes, that is. You're the 20th caller. Congratulations.

You're going to Six Flags. Hold on one second. Thank you. Have fun riding the ride. Why does she listen? Why do you possibly listen to this? I think you guys are hilarious. I've been a long-time listener of K-Rock, even in the Kevin and Dean days.

Nice. Glad you guys are keeping it going. Thanks for sticking around. We greatly appreciate you. Let's give you the gift of living forever with a brand-new old people secret. We can keep track of these and monitoring the old people every time they turn 110 years old. The local news is there pounding on their door, demanding their secrets for longevity. And these days, it seems like everyone's trying to live longer and sit standing desks and walk in your 10,000 steps.

Biohacking. Let's be honest. None of that matters. It's all about what the old people have to say. It's time for a brand-new Old People's Secret. Here we go. From chicken brain to drinking rain, not getting laid, they call me the barmaid. They call me the barmaid.

That's right. Let's live forever with sweet divots. Sweet divots. Time for some Old People's Secrets. Yee-haw. Keep track. Are you guys looking forward to, like, you know, prolonging your life? Or are you looking for, you know, sweet relief?

Because I'm in the sweet relief kind of phase right now. I think there's a weird thing that happens where now it's easy to look at this, especially when you look at these old people all propped up against a lamp, forced to talk to the news, and you go, I would love the sweet relief. And that's why I think they've got those medication cards that go around so you can get a little relief at a time. But I think once you get to that point and you've kind of accepted it, I think then there's like a, I don't know, I feel like maybe you get to a point where you go, like, I just like this because you don't realize how good it used to be.

I'm looking forward to not caring and to the, you know, sexual resurgence that I'm going to have when I'm like in my 70s and 80s. I'm just going to start going crazy and I'm going to start effing everybody and doing drugs. Really? Yeah, because it's like, okay, I made it. You know, I was treating my body well so that I could live to however long. Well, you're treating your body well? Yeah, this is well. It is?

Yeah. I ate a 24-pack of gummy worms yesterday. I'm doing great. But the thing is, once I get to, like, 80, I'm just going to, yeah, I'm going to start smoking again. Yeah, I'm just going to start being really mean, you know, to people and, like, saying stuff that's, like, not PC anymore. When you have people like Jake? Oh, no. Oh, come on.

You have standards. You're still going to be an old lesbian, you think? I don't know. Maybe I'll just do everyone. That's me. Yeah, I want to be an old hoe, and I want to go see the world, and then I can just choose anybody I bang or any drug I do in different countries. I want to live it up.

Kind of like what your mom is. There's no expectations anymore. Your mom's kind of an old hoe. Pretty much. Yeah. She just picked one at the end, but yeah. Yeah, at the end, but it's been like a giant fantasy football draft with her vagina for years, right? And I'm going to follow in my mother's slutty footsteps.

As you should. Dude, that's medicine. I'm going to follow in her clear heels. Steve's going to die in the next year for sure. Okay, let's not wish death on Steve. Because she's going to be making him his morning coffee. Right, right, right. Little antifreeze with your Don Francisco.

Kill him slowly. Here's the old people secret we have for you today. It's an extraordinary milestone the community and family came out to celebrate. Ask Juanita Ring. Ask Juanita is her name. See, I want a nickname like that. Aswanita. That's what they're going to call me.

That's what they're going to call Allie. She's going to earn that name. This is Aswanita. Now, Aswanita is going to share with us her secret in a moment, but let's learn a little bit about Aswanita. Aswanita rang in her 109th birthday, blowing out her candles and enjoying cake and ice cream with those who love her most. You should see how she blew out those candles. That's how she earned that name, Aswanita. She was clapping, clapping.

Incredible. Born March 7, 1917 in Marsh, Nebraska. Juanita has lived to see more than a century of American history and the changes this Caldwell community has seen since 1946. From four generations across Idaho and Wyoming, her legacy includes more than 50 living descendants. Oh yeah, she got down. Yeah, that's... 50 living descendants? She got busy. Or maybe she didn't get busy because obviously if her daughters got busy, then they could have been responsible for most of them.

she's still in that chain of commands yeah i guess so i come from a big family oh yeah so that's what she's oh yeah i hate my job oh yeah showing me her palm juanita recalls the moment she was once told about her life so now she shows her old lady hand which as you know everyone as you can see from these millions of wrinkles everyone's palm looks old so imagine an old person's palm i mean that's a wild amount of work. I'm going to read all of the U.S. history. Just by reading the lines in her hand.

I don't know where the line is myself. Anyway, he said... Oh, man. Yeah, she can't possibly... She's got that translucent skin. Yeah, she's right through it. Oh, wait, that's a vein. I need a vein reader.

My gosh, she says, you're going to live forever. So she claims when she was young, someone looked at her hands and said, you're going to live forever, and I guess they were right. They looked at her wallet and said, I'm going to tell you, you're going to live forever.

This is Aswanita, who's now 109. What's the secret? Okay, here we go. What's the secret now? She's had a pom-red. She's got 50 living descendants. Her name's Aswanita. What do you believe she's going to say is her secret for living this long?

I'm going to say dead ass. Okay, dead ass. That'd be fun. Old people love... It is a name, for sure. Well, they named you after your jobs back then. Yep. That's true.

Omar, what's her secret? Her secret is going to be something boring like veggies. Veggies. Yeah. You are what you eat. Jake? He's going to be nice scotch. Oh, you think she's a boozer.

Old people love scotch. Vanessa? She does sound like a drinker. Vanessa? Wishy potions. Wishy potions? What the hell was that? What happened?

What? Cooking some wishy potions. Potions? Potions. Wooshy pooshy? I think she's saying witchy, right? Yes, witchy potions. Witchy potions.

You know, you picked the words you said, right? I know, and I understand myself. Alright, well, let's find out. God, I hope she says wooshy pooshy. She just put a spell on us. Vanessa, is this some voodoo crap you're pulling on us? It's a wishy potion. I want that.

Allie, get some garlic in there immediately. We've got to keep her away. There's weird spells. It's time for the answer. What's your old people's secret? What's the secret? My secret? Yeah, what's the secret?

Well, I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. Okay. I lived a healthy life. Oh, boring. Come on, ass Juanita. Don't tell lies. I would have expected so much more from ass Juanita.

I look at it, and I'm blown away from no phone to a flip phone to Bluetooth. Mietta Cyber told me her grandmother has seen it all. I'm going to cut myself off. Anyway, that's it. We've got to take a break. Get back in a moment, and you have an opportunity to win your way into the Hollywood Bowl. Summer nights in the Bowl, nothing better. You will see the maestro of the movies.

if you are able to figure out one song that is being performed live in studio by a duet between Postmaster Johnny and the voodoo woman over there, Vanessa. So that will be after this quick break. If you'd like to play and win, call now, 800-520-1067. That is next. Gary Rock with your Klein Alley Show. All right, let's go ahead and give you an experience right now. Everyone wants to go to the Hollywood Bowl.

It's the best time of year to experience some Hollywood Bowl. I was just there. It's peak weather right now, and imagine you sitting back there, Allie, watching the maestro of the movies play all of the amazing iconic songs that we've heard score our entire lives yeah and because it's scored you feel smart when you're watching it yeah but you also weren't that smart because you just watched a bunch of movies yeah and uh so we are uh gonna make this challenging yesterday ali on that little drum kit was somehow able to recreate a uh john williams classic the imperial march from star wars and it was wild because of all of the many

films that he has been a part of i mean i'll just play you some right now hopefully this won't give away the song that vanessa and johnny have been working on if you don't believe us you can check out what's happening on youtube right now johnny and vanessa in studio about to perform a duet together but here's just some of what john williams has brought us over the years iconic goosebumps Happy Seeds. This is what plays every time Vanessa rides a bicycle. Oh, where's the red hoodie?

So, Johnny and Vanessa have been working hard on a song. It's a John Williams classic. And one person will get an opportunity to figure out what song it is that they are doing. It will not be easy because they are using child or children instruments. But yesterday, someone was able to figure it out. I was as surprised as anyone else. And the first try, too. First try, Allie smashing on that drums, and someone realized that this was the song.

And as a result, they will be going to the Hollywood Bowl, and now it's your chance. So, Vanessa, Johnny, before we get to the song, how was the working together part? I know that behind the scenes, you guys sometimes butt heads. He was very professional, because he's giving me a part where this song doesn't have drums, but we're making it work in there. He's like, you have to do it this way. I was like, Johnny, it's supposed to be funny. But yesterday, I didn't... We don't do funny on this show.

What's wrong with you? I thought, Vanessa, I thought yesterday when I left, you guys were both playing guitars. You had a child's guitar and he had his little ukulele. Now you've switched to drums. It's a full band experience, man. We've got to get the whole spectrum on here. Johnny, can you give me a little taste of Train? Because I know you are very talented.

Thank you, Omar. Here we go. Here's Hey Soul Sister by Train. Hey. Hey. All right, hit the drums, Vanessa. Okay, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, we don't stand for that here

Relax, just relax We don't stand for that hate speech You're the one who saw Benson Boom last night Play that for yourself Damn, that was hard Wow Wait, who said that? Was that a recording or was that live? Allie said it

Damn, Allie It'd be your own people sometimes It'd be your own people Alright, that's That's unacceptable A soul brother, more like. Should we do it again? No.

Let's say hi to Andrew. I like that song. Let's say hi to Andrew. Andrew, this is not the song. You're going to confuse the listeners. This is a John Williams segment we're doing now. Hollywood Ball paid good money for this. All right.

Did they? I don't know. Probably not. They didn't know. Listen closely now. Johnny and Vanessa are going to perform one song for you. This is a John Williams song. I will play the actual song when they're done.

you get a chance to try to figure out what this is from it could be a movie he's done movies mostly movies that's why he's known as the maestro of the movies but he's done some other things as well that are pretty iconic over the years so without giving too much away here we go for the first time and probably last time ever it is postmaster johnny aka gay leno and vanessa here we go aka dead tooth here we go ready one two wait well vanessa okay ready one two three Jurassic Park whoa is that a guess already

out of the gate what did you Johnny really wants her to be on beat we had to really lock in for a second Andrew what did you say Jurassic Park

Oh, same. That's good. Same. You don't even need to go to the bowl now. You've experienced. Congratulations. Somehow, you were able to successfully do that. Yeah, bring it home, Vanessa.

Well done, Andrew. Well done. That's all we got. That's all we can afford. Andrew, the whole song you'll get in its completed version at the Hollywood Bowl. Hold on, Andrew. One second. Thanks for playing.

Thanks for calling. This is easier than we thought, huh? I actually am shocked. I didn't think we'd have a winner all week. Let's go back to train. And we're two for two. There she is. There we go.

There we go, Johnny. Hit it. Hey. Up the monitor. God damn it, Allie. Not again. We can let that one out. Put it up.

All right. Nine-inch nails. Let's all cleanse our palate with something decent. Here we go. Thank good God. The Klein Allie Show continues after this. You know, we've talked a lot about the robot takeover, and I think this is kind of freaky. I'm sure eventually this will be commonplace, but right now it seems freaky that a lot of 911 call centers are replacing humans with AI.

And think about how you talk to AI and how it talks back to you, and then think about a 911 operator being like that. And I know AI is getting better by the day, supposedly, but understand if you're calling 911, it's usually because you're dealing with something that would be an emergency. And sometimes, yes, people abuse 9-1-1 because they didn't get enough chicken nuggets in their order. I think it's probably to filter out those weirdos. That makes sense because even 9-1-1 operators, I think we did an AMA with a 9-1-1 operator, and they did kind of declare that something like 50% of the calls to 9-1-1 shouldn't be 9-1-1 related calls. Yeah, but then also with the 50% or whatever that are, then you're going to have how much of a delay while this AI figures out what your emergency is

and how to connect you to an actual human. Right. Just out of curiosity, I know, Allie, you got in trouble when you were a kid because you used to call 911 because you just wanted someone to talk to. No, I just wanted to see what would happen if I called 911, and then a police officer showed up at my grandma's house, and I was like, oh, whoops. Yeah, and then you learned that lesson the hard way.

Have you ever called 911 in real life? Yeah, when my kid had a seizure. Oh, that's right, a seizure. That was terrifying. And you dealt with a human, and they probably calmed you down, talked you off the ledge. Oh, my God. And the fire department was at my house within four minutes of my phone call.

that's that was incredible crazy response time i mean the fire station right down the street but still it was pretty incredible that i was able to and this woman really did calm me down she immediately asked the most important questions which is where was i is he breathing all this stuff and it made me feel a lot better i can't imagine if i was like hey my kid just had a seizure and they're like oh my gosh that's so frustrating i totally get that why don't you tell me a little bit about where you live and then we'll go from there they came to you in four minutes i called about a robbery about three years ago they still have not responded i should have said and also the person who stole the wallet has a seizure yeah it's a two-year-old

who had a seizure then they get there omar you called 9-1-1 at all recently you know i actually called 9-1-1 about two weeks ago i witnessed witnessed a car smashing into the center divider and i nearly missed all the debris and stuff and i pulled over to the side and make sure that guy was okay and the 9-1-1 operator said what kind of car is it is he okay was he sleeping or you know drunk driving or anything. I was like, no, the guy's legit. He's just like, okay, thank you for all the information. We're going to have a car there momentarily

you could take off. So you basically were the first to report the situation. I was the first one to report the situation. Johnny, are you a 911 caller? You ever call 911? No. No, I haven't actually. No. Never in my life. Johnny can't remember the number. Too many numbers to remember.

I get the 9 and then my head hurts. What comes next? Ow. Here's the question in Man vs. Machine this week do humans stand the chance against the future robot overlords that include now 9-1-1 operators as more and more call centers are shifting from humans into ai and there are more emergencies now than ever it feels like because vanessa was talking about all the earthquakes that have been happening there's like 17 000 fires happening right now get ready to call ai in this round of man versus machine do us humans stand the chance we've got three situations these

are three of the most common situations and the three of the most common reasons people do call 911 so we have the answers from ai and then we have answers as us humans we'll see who does a better job first question we'll go to jake the nerd as a human jake what's that what is the best way to stop bleeding this is a big call that comes through and 911 gets this call every day there's bleeding happening and you need it to stop what is the best way as a human and then we'll let the ai take a shot at it well the manliest way is red hot poker like in rambo I stopped it instantly. It's supposed to be super painful.

You cauterize it, right. So you get a red hot poker, you're saying, cauterize it, and then you hear that sear of the skin. Oh, yeah, I just smell. Right. You think that's the answer? No, but really, you just got a bandage and pressure. A bandage? Yeah.

Like you wrap it? Is that bacon? That was me. That's Rambo's arm. That's Rambo's lunch. Lunch. You're saying what now, Jake? You put a bandage on it?

I am pressure, yeah. Okay. As a human, Jake says the manliest way to do it is with a red hot poker. But if you can't cauterize it, then you must use a bandage and pressure. This is what AI said. Same question. How do you stop bleeding? Apply firm, direct pressure with clean gauze or cloth.

Don't keep lifting it to check hold continuously for 10 to 15 minutes. Don't use a tourniquet unless the bleeding is life-threatening and cannot be controlled with direct pressure. What? If it's her time of the month, make sure to have three pints of Ben and Jerry's. Well, listen, I got to say, the robot gave a more thorough answer because he talked about different types of bleeding. I don't know how to stop that bleeding. He didn't get poker. He didn't say that, but he talked about the Ben and Jerry's situation.

What if women did that every time? Every month. Oh, God damn. Get my red hot poker. I feel it coming. Jake, I got to say, you said the same thing the robot said right away, which is pressure and bandage. bandage. I can't believe it says not to use a tourniquet. I thought that was what you do

in the movies. I think the tourniquet is only when it's like extreme bleeding. When you like lose an arm? But I do appreciate the robot said to not do what I do which is to lift up the bandage every five seconds to check and see if it stopped bleeding. Is it still bleeding? The pressure is the key right there. Alright, well I guess

point goes robot on that one. Dammit, Jake. Alright, next question. Omar, take this one. You're inside your house and there is an intruder inside the house. You call 911 because you're now in the house and an intruder is in the house, what should you do?

Well, I'm going to grab my knife and I have the spray. What do you call that? The mace. Oh, the bear spray? Yeah, I have mace. No, not bear spray, but I have the mace. So I'm going to grab my knife and my mace

and I'm going to go look after this mother effer and protect my family and stab the bitch. Cool. Okay. Yeah. Going back to Rambo. That's what I'm going to do. This is what AI says.

If you believe an intruder is in your house right now, prioritize getting yourself and everyone else to safety. Do not confront or search for the intruder. What? If you can safely leave without going toward them, get outside and move to a safe location. Yeah, right. Well, I mean, I guess. Yeah, I'm opening up my window and I'm going out on the roof and pretending I'm not in that house. Right.

I think. I'm hiding. Yeah, I think, Omar, your answer's wrong. What? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I didn't even have a gun. Yeah. You stabbed the bitch.

You're going to go there with mace and a knife? you go in the closet and watch them through the blinds oh man i hope they don't open the this is not good i'll call that one a draw i guess all right so now we've got a tie in question two robot wins question one alley it comes down to you no it's up to me this is one of the biggest calls that comes in the 911 and this is uh my house is on fire oh damn okay and i'm inside of the house what should you do well you want to run away from the fire source so just the opposite direction of the fire and then on your way out you have to grab a baby or an animal so that you look like a hero you okay so when you're running out of the house you seem like you don't have a

baby or an animal do you grab one go back in and then run out with it yeah you got to do that because you got to look like a hero but like if the fire's downstairs you got to run upstairs and then jump off the roof if it's downstairs not right at all if it's upstairs you got to go downstairs and out the door okay just the opposite way of the fire all right this is what the ai said because AI is going to be taking over all of our 911 calls soon enough. If you're trapped in a house on fire, close the door between you and the fire. Block gaps around the door with cloth if possible. Go to a window and signal for help if you can do so safely.

Stay low where the air may be clearer. Peeing on fire is. Peeing on fire is? What? Is that a glitch in the system? Oh, no, you're out of data. We didn't get plus. We didn't pay for the good service, so that's all we got. This is the 9-1-1.

Is it the free version or the plus version? It's going to be on there. If it's good or bad, because I need to know right now. It just is. Period. Get the Ben and Jerry's. Let's find out what's happening in the world with a check of the ADD News. Then a brand new hour of the show can begin.

If you need us, numbers remain the same as yesterday, 800-520-1067. If you want to call us locally, use that 323-TIP-BOLI. Because unlike other things, Tip Bowley will live forever. We've got those ways to get in touch with us and win stuff from us. And now there's this, your news. Grab your Adderall. It's time for ADD News. If you're a child of the 90s, you have a certain level of nostalgia when you walk into a hot topic.

I remember the first time I walked into one and bought some chunky glasses that didn't have any kind of magnification on the lenses and some weird posters. And starting now, they will be under new ownership because they have been purchased for $350 million by Spirit Halloween. They've got enough money, and this means they also own Box Lunch, which is another kitschy store you can visit in the mall. And just for reference, the value of Hot Topic has gone down a bit over the years. The last time it was sold was in 2013 for $600 million. So it's lost almost half of its value in a 13-year period. But a lot of the things you see in a Spirit Halloween store could probably also work in a Hot Topic. I used to work at a Hot Topic.

I believe that. I believe that Jake would have been there, like one of those weirdos there that's not really helpful but offers to help. But then you're like, can you find me the shirt my size? I don't think so. My break's coming up. I think Jake probably just walked into a Hot Topic and then they thought that he worked. Right. I just stayed there.

Yeah. This guy's wearing one of these weird band shirts. He must work here. You probably had so many glow-in-the-dark posters, didn't you, Jake? They didn't sell glow-in-the-dark posters back then. What? I did have to learn how to pierce ears. That's more of a Spencer thing.

Really? Yeah, I don't think they... I think of them as the t-shirt and the goth stuff. No, they had in the back, they had that whole row of posters. That wasn't Hot Topic? You're thinking of Spencer's. They didn't... Yeah, Spencer's.

Hot Topic didn't have those at all? Not at that time. Wow. The big cultural thing they had was the WWE stuff. Stone Cold Steve Austin and stuff like that. I'm surprised that they made you learn how to pierce ears, Jake. Dude, it was weird. It sucked.

Did you actually pierce any ears? Oh, yeah, and I messed up one time. It sucked. What? Only one time you messed up? Yeah, I hit, like, the wrong, like, I put a dot on the ear, and then I put two dots, and I pierced the wrong dot. You still got the ear, though, right?

So it was off-center? Yeah. Yeah. But it was, like, all wonky. Sorry, I did your tongue instead of your ear. I think when someone goes into Hot Topic for a piercing, they're pretty sure it's going to get messed up, right? They couldn't even make their way down to Claire's and get it done the proper way in

the mall of the piercing pagoda with a plastic gun yeah i mean they kind of i mean even about the bad solution even the bad options in the mall that's maybe the worst of the options some stone teenager yeah but if you were cool and goth that's where they had they had the better earrings they're right you know they had like the big um gauges and stuff like that definitely not the better piercers definitely well and the more stoned people i would imagine yeah the people at clare did you uh how many years would you say you pierced in your time working at the hot topic uh yeah 20 because i was only there for like less than a year they fired you or you quit i quit do you think that he had a reputation they were like if you see this guy there it kind of smells

and he's wearing a tool shirt don't have him pierce your right probably have anybody else here's some good news for you they thought they found the remains of a human body but the plot twist is that it ended up just being a sex doll i can't imagine this happens often but it happened A sex doll has been mistaken for human remains after it was found in an abandoned suitcase near bushland. What was in this? Near bushland. Hilarious. It's, uh, that's one of those things where I can't tell if that's good news or bad news.

Obviously, it's good that no one was killed in this thing, but also, uh, sad that a sex doll ended up in a suitcase. Yeah, and what happened to it is kind of disturbing. Suitcase was what they were calling a lifelike doll, which had clothing, hair, a nose piercing, and even... I objected that, Kirsten. Let me practice on sex dolls for two weeks before you go to humans. The nose piercing is in a weird spot, not near the dot at all. It must have been done by that sweaty guy at the hot topic. Good thing this isn't a real person.

And it even had markings that resembled bruises and grazes. So it was an abused sex doll. Two people on a Sunday drive yesterday afternoon reported finding a suitcase containing a body. They began their investigations, and police were initially telling us that they believed it was the remains of a human female. They'd even begun searching missing persons records. Well, they're the worst police force on the planet. I mean, as soon as you open the suitcase, it should be plainly aware that it is a sex doll. It's terrible.

This poor victim was stuck. Her mouth was gape. And the shape of a D. And her eyeballs were painted on. Some giant oversized lipstick. Are there any missing women that fit this description of someone who looks like she's making a ghost face? Before they were able to confirm that this was, in fact, not a body. Oh, Jesus.

And then they said, they even had to say, we stand by our investigation because we are glad that we did a thorough investigation and made sure that it wasn't a human. That is. Even though if you just give it a quick look-see, I feel like it's pretty obvious. Are you going to make sure? It's incredible. I wonder how many of the detectives took their time with it to do their own investigation. Let me check. Yeah, not real.

It's my 12 minutes in here to do my investigation. Still not real. Seven minutes ahead of us. Brad Pitt is off the wagon again. The I'm sober announcement is very different than on the I'm no longer sober announcement. Apparently everyone cares about this. But he said he was sober for seven years and then recently got back off of the wagon. But he says it is in a more restrained manner and claims that he can have a few glasses of wine but can't have a lot.

I have to be professional about it. But a few glasses of wine already kind of seems like a lot. That's already almost a whole bottle of wine. Well, I know that depending on your relationship with alcohol, some people are great at saying, I have a drinking problem, but I can have one if you know how to end it at one. I went out with a guy one time, and he was freshly back on the wagon or back off the wagon. And he said, it's cool. I can have a beer.

And then we got a call like three days later that he went on a crazy bender. And he had to get like rescued from I want to say like Victorville or something Ended up in Victorville Turned out to be a sex doll though And it was just a sex doll I was like why was I drinking with this guy It's crazy

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