Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - HOUR 4- Jake's Deodorant, Injured by Food and MORE

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

We'll get into an episode of Klein Alley Show in just a moment, but in the meantime, let's tell you about our absolute favorite place on the planet. Yep, that would be San Bernardino International Airport, where you can go through the airport process without waiting in long lines and overpaying for parking. Quick connections to the Bay Area and the world, plus ski and snowboard in Provo from San Bernardino all winter long. Every other airport, you're going to be in long TSA lines, you're going to be miserable, you're going to say, oh, I got to get there two, three hours before my flight.

Not at San Bernardino International Airport. And now we send you on a direct flight into our podcast, which starts right now. This is the world famous K-Rock. Let's get you to Not Scary Farm opening night. Right now, if you're the 20th caller, the number to join us and win is 800-520-1067. It is opening day, kickoff day for NFL action. I actually drove by a giant billboard today on Hollywood and Highland. It was the countdown to NFL Sunday, so it still had some more hours and days left on it.

But I got very excited because it's just a great time of the year. It's all part of that Jason, those stretch of months where all the good things happen between July and November. And here we are right in the middle of it. So we're very excited for the return of football. Not as excited that we'll be rooting for teams that we were forced to root for earlier today on the show. Go Cardinals! Ali's a big Cards fan. I'm with the Ravens. I ride with the Ravens this season.

Omar is a huge fan. Every time I say it, I get nervous. I'm a big fan of that team from Washington. And, uh... I guess I am. Love it. Jake is Packers fan. I'm going to get some piercings.

Oh, no. I think you should. If you're going to do it, do it for a team you fake support. That's what I always say. The best way. The best way. Vanessa with the Rams. John is with the Broncos.

Cousin Jake is a huge Packers fan. Anyway, enough about us. This hour on the show, times you've been injured by food. Food is responsible for a lot of death every year. A lot of times people eat stuff that went bad and they die or they choke and they die. But there's other ways you can be injured by food. I'm talking burns. I'm talking cuts.

There's that time, Allie, I took the shish kebab burn because I wouldn't wait for that metal skewer to pull down. Oh, yeah, you looked like you had herpes on your lip. I basically branded myself because I ate the meat right off the skewer and then the skewer immediately singed my lip. That's just called not being able to wait 30 seconds for the thing to cool down. It's like, give it to me now. I have put things in my mouth where I'm like, I am burning my whole mouth off right now, but I've committed. Injured by food. I had a new one.

Almost took me out over the weekend. We'll get into that. But first, we say good morning to George in Irwindale. Hey, George. Woo! What's up, Canada? Love it. You are the 20th caller.

Enjoy and save some of those screams for Not Scary Farm. They'll be there for opening night, all right? All right, that sounds like some Omar will be chanting. That's Omar's thing, relax. Don't steal Omar's stuff, all right? He's another fan. Hold on one second. You guys can watch Washington play all season long,

and you will be at the opening night of Not Scary Farm. It's happening all fall, skate mazes and all that stuff. You know, I'm not going to read what they told me to say, but anyway, you should go there. It's fun, okay? A lot of good scary stuff. That's right. And this is Sublime.

Back to our regularly scheduled music on KRO. You may be thinking you're having a bad day today, but I'm going to tell you right now that you're not having as bad of a day of this person who was so excited to come with us to the Endless Summer Kegger, only to realize that he didn't check his spam folder and never realized that he won his way in until today. I am so sad because I applied to the Endless Summer Kegger with my email because I can't call in during the show hours, and I freaking got tickets, did not see the email, and I've been sulking, telling my wife how sad I am. I didn't get to go. I didn't win tickets. And lo and behold, I did win them. They were in my email, and I just didn't see them. So maybe next time.

Sucks for you, but that is why we are having a week from today, a different opportunity to all hang out together. It's our Fiesta Siesta, Mexican Independence Day, Los Sluggers t-shirts, gourmet tacos, live music, ear ringers, and mariachi. That's not going to get trapped in spam. No, you don't need a ticket. Just show up. We'll be there at Descanso.

All the details up on our Instagram at Klein Alley Show. It's one week from today, so plan accordingly. We're doing it right after the show. You have the choice if you're in the mood to Fiesta or in the mood to Siesta. You can do both at the Klein Alley Show, Fiesta, Siesta. I can't imagine all the opportunities and things that have been lost just based on spam folders. Yeah, and spam's gotten a lot more picky lately where stuff that shouldn't be there. There's obviously stuff.

99% of it belongs there. Right. But then sometimes if you check. Any sort of pill about erections or, you know, those are all, that's what spam folder was designed for. Mine too. Right, that's what they're there for. It's all erection pills. It's all knock-down walls with your D, all this stuff.

That's what that was for. They get more aggressive. If you don't click on them, they just keep getting more aggressive. Yeah, but then there's a random confirmation number, an invite to something that you actually did want to go to. And that's where things get weird. But the good news is that next Wednesday, a week from today, we'll all get together again. If you couldn't make it to the other thing, we'll see you at that one. All right.

Jake, bad news for you. According to Vanessa, she's put her wooshy potion on you. Oh, great. And she officially announced today that this relationship you're in, even though it's brand new, she says now has an expiration date of one month because of something that was said to you by your new, what are you guys? You're not girlfriend, are you? No, no, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, no. Well, you asked her. You did try to ask her that, and she kind of shut you down.

She said, you want to be exclusive one night, and she kind of said, don't ask me that right now. And then something she said last night, Vanessa believes is the kiss of death in the relationship. I actually think it proves that she likes me a lot more than you guys are giving her credit for. Way to turn it into a compliment. Why don't you share what she said? Yeah, she said that she does not like or she's not a fan of my deodorant smell, the patchouli smell. You mean your natural musk that, quote, chicks dig? No, the natural musk chicks still dig.

But the actual smell I put to mask my musk when it gets too musky, she does not dig. And when we've all said the exact same thing about your smell for years, you've ignored us. Yeah, because I like it. Yes, but if she says she doesn't like it, that means that she has bypassed this for, what, a month and a half now? A month, just over a month. She's put up with it. She's put up with it. She's looked past it, which I don't know how you can do.

Somebody's smell, if you don't like their smell, I feel like that's such a deal breaker for people. But it's not. That means I'm just, like, either super charming or funny or just. No, that's why I said you have a month. No, that's what I'm telling you, Jake. She dealt with it. she told you, and you're like, we'll see. Come on, dude.

If you like this girl, just change your deodorant. Change the deodorant now. That's how much she likes me. She's going, getting past it. That's how much she does not like you. You have a month. Never seen Vanessa move faster to a microphone than when Jake said, she maybe thinks I'm charming. No!

Vanessa just head-doped right into the microphone to make sure she got that out there. She is giving you a chance here, Jake, to make a change. I just bought a bunch of new deodorant, and I got the same smell. Sell it on Amazon, buddy. Sell it. Who am I going to sell it to?

Your people. Now they're smellies. Now there's got to be the smelly community. They're like, oh, finally, up for resale again. Here he is, my man, Jake. I've been waiting for a gently used stick of whatever, and here it is. So how many sticks did you buy?

Oh, God, I actually checked the receipt. I got a bunch, because it was on sale for Labor Day. So how much did you spend on your patchouli deodorant? Hold on. Let me pull it up. How many sticks? Oh, let's see.

Let's see. I got it right here. View order. Five sticks. Five? Jake. Jake, that's... But I also got some lip balm.

But five sticks of deodorant, that would last a normal person maybe a year, I could imagine. Right. Oh, you eat like a stick a week. Yeah, you, it's probably, that's fine. Well, actually, no, like a stick, like a month probably. How much you spend on your five sticks of deodorant? And a lip balm? Yeah, sure, whatever.

Let's see here. Oh, it's like 50 bucks. Wow, that's expensive. So you overpay for horrible deodorant. I like it. So she's now said to you this is a problem. She said she was not a fan of it. She didn't like it.

And I wish you would have told me that three days ago. She's like, I did tell you that, but I wasn't listening, I guess. Oh, man. So Vanessa says under a month. She said that this is like... And Jake thinks he's, of course, spinning this into a positive, going, if she really didn't like me, she would just leave. If she's saying, I'm giving you room to notes for improvement, it's time to take the note. But Jake is now doing neither.

He's not going to take the note. Because he doesn't want to waste the money. What do you think will end first, the stick of deodorant or the relationship? Oh, the first stick number one or the relationship? Yeah. I'm going to put my money on the... The relationship will end first. I bet on the deodorant to last longer.

I'm so charming. She really likes me. Yeah, but dude, if you just bought a different stick of deodorant, this could last much longer than it's going to. So why would you give up sex just for 50-some-odd dollars? I will give her a chance to smell a different smell of this brand, and if she likes it, I'll go with that smell. Don't all the smells of that brand smell like hippie?

No, well, sort of, yeah, I guess. Hold on, we have one of Jake's people on the phone. You're in the smellies? Hi. Hello, smell. Hi. It's a great smell. Patchouli's a great smell.

Thank you. Well, then you belong together. I mean, once again, there are patchouli people. I think this girl is a patchouli person. She likes tulle. She likes all sorts of stuff that I like. So it must not be the deodorant raw. It must be the deodorant mixed with you.

And that must mean you are the problem. It's like when people try and spray after they crap. Yes. Like, you can still smell crap mixed with the nice smell. It smells like someone took a dump in a field of dandelions. Right, so it's like dump and patchouli. Right, right. You get me there.

I know. Okay, thank you. We got to take a break. Have you been injured by food? This is not a commercial for Sweet James, but it could be. This is a serious question because a lot of people are ashamed to admit it, but food has taken them out. And sometimes it's something that accidentally squirts you in the eye.

Sometimes you were cutting peppers, The next thing you know, you're wiping your butt, and all of a sudden, you've got third-degree burns. Oh, my God. I've done that with jalapenos in my vagina. Pull that clip. What? What in your vagina? That's Ali's family's guacamole recipe.

Not in. I was cutting the... All right. Well, I'll get into it later. Injured by food. 800-520-1067. I almost got taken down by a taco shell this weekend. Same.

We will share the stories after this on KROQ. If you're keeping track, in my lifetime at least, I have been almost taken down by food four different times. There was the time that I tried to put the entire bagel bite in my mouth in one swallow because it was too hot. So I decided I would just swallow it down. It got lodged in my throat. I was pretty much convinced I was going to die choking to death in the kitchen. And then people would say, what happened to Klein? They'd say he choked to death on a bagel bite.

And I would have thought that would have been probably a good story to tell. It's a good way to go out for you. And then there was the time I was trying to eat the sandwich on the beach and sneezed. sneezed, and the sandwich got lodged in my nose, got stuck in there, parts of it. I was blowing parts of the sandwich out of my nose for a week afterwards. I ended up in the hospital with some sort of a strange brain-eating

amoeba, and I could not tell the doctor for sure if it was the time that Allie and I were jamming pens in our ears trying to give ourselves eargasms, or if it was because I sneezed. I mean, this conversation I had to have with this doctor, and he said, why do you think it is? And I said, it's either because my

dog... He's following embarrassing reasons. These three reasons could be why, and one of them is because I I sneezed a sandwich out of my nose, and I'm still blowing out pieces of lettuce and ham. And he said, I don't think that's it. He said, no, I'm sad I told you this. But he did write down a note in my file about it. About your orgasms, too. And then this weekend, I went and got a taco, hard shell taco, not by choice, but that's what they offered.

And it's a place I've had tacos at before, and this taco was extra crisp and sharp. And when I took the bite and I went to kind of take down more than I probably should have, a big piece of the shell just put a giant gash and sliced the inside of my mouth. Bleeding? Oh, yeah, bleeding, but also there's a piece of flap. There's a flappy piece of skin now. Like a hamster. It hasn't reconnected. Yeah, you can stuff things in there.

So now, yeah, it's like I have a kangaroo pouch inside my mouth. I could put one of those like Zin pouches in there, I think, if I take up that hobby. Or some more cheese. So I realized that food is... A dangerous thing. I love you, food, but you're always trying to take me out. Yeah, I was one of the first people that got avocado injuries. Oh, yeah.

That was happening. Avocado hand. Stabbed yourself in the hand. Yeah, and it, like, pierced through my hand to the point where I could see white. I was like, I didn't know there was white inside my hand. That seems wrong. We realized if this is happening to us, it's probably happening to you as well. David, when is the time that you were injured by food?

Well, I got knocked out by a flying frozen chicken wing or chicken breast. Frozen. Oh, one of those, oh, well, a frozen chicken breast is like a hockey puck. Sounds like it gave you a concussion. Frozen. What happened? Frozen chicken breast wing. I don't think you've ever recovered, David.

What happened? My buddy of mine slammed his slingshot, and he swinged it right in my head. Bam. Frozen. Wait, were you in the process of cooking chicken, or this had nothing to do with actually eating? It had nothing to do with it. He just had a swing shot. He thought it'd be funny to start turning stuff around.

It was like a frozen chicken wing. Bam! He hit me on the head. Knocked you out. Knocked you out. And was the wing thawed? No, it was frozen. Frozen.

You're right, frozen. That's David. He's got, clearly, that guy's got CTE because of this. Clearly, he has friends that want to hit him in the head. You were anonymous. You don't want to share your name. That's fine. Why were you, or how were you injured by food?

Well, I actually caused the injury. One time after eating hot Cheetos, I went down on my wife. Needless to say, I didn't get any after that or for a while after. How quickly after you were done eating hot Cheetos did you go down on your wife? Maybe like an hour. And you just had Cheeto, you just had spicy Cheeto dust all over your face? No, it was just leftover in my mouth, I guess. You know, I washed my hands and everything and then, yeah.

And then you randomly transitioned from eating a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos to the bedroom, whatever. She said, let's have sex. Now is the time. I'm ready. And then you went down on her and she was, what, experiencing pain? Yeah. She was like, what the hell? Why is it burning?

It's probably tough to determine the difference between the moaning at first. Yeah, I think she must be into this. Oh, man, that is a cautionary tale if I've ever heard one before. So that is injured by food for sure. That's also not something, like when you eat something hot and you drink milk or something to counteract it, there's no way to counteract that feeling. Once that burning is happening, there's nothing you can do but wait it out. Yeah, but I would imagine his mouth probably, because you eat enough Flamin' Cheetos, those aren't even spicy anymore. You just like them for flavor.

So I'm sure for you, you probably built up an immunity. But for her, I would imagine her genitals, I don't want to speak for your wife's genitals, but I would imagine they have not probably had a lot of Flamin' Hot Cheeto experience. Oh, no, not at all. Yeah. And did you explain to her what you think? Like, did you put it together while you were down there? Like, kind of like... I kind of figured it out, and then she was twice as mad at me.

Right, right. Understood. Well, she's lucky. Lucky lady right there. A lot of guys won't do that, so... Yeah, that's true. He's a hero. I mean, at least he went through the effort.

She should be a little appreciative. I had to fuel up ahead of time. Chewy. 562 said that there's no way that guy washed his hands. I totally agree. No, I washed them. I believe everything about your story, minus the part where you claim you washed your hands. Chewy, how were you injured by food?

Chewy was injured by food? I was. I was chewing on a piece of pork belly, and it completely shattered my wisdom tooth. Yeah, that's probably the number. I would imagine the amount of teeth that go down. I mean, pork belly is an interesting one, but just from popcorn, there's always the standard ones. They're going to take out, mess up your teeth. Is that how you got a nickname, or your original name is Chewy?

No, that's my original name. My original name is Jesus, and in Mexico, they call him Chewy, so it's just one of those birth-given nicknames. But also, you injured yourself chewing. I did. Yeah. That's ironic right there, I guess. Paul E., you're on KROQ.

Good morning. What happened to you? Good morning, y'all. Shout out to NetBangers. Nice. So I was a kid. I was, like, five years old, and we're having, like, a little family get-together. All the adults are in the living room.

I'm in the kitchen scarfing down Doritos, dude. And I started choking on one, man. I ended up on the floor choking. My aunt was the only one who saw me. She picked me up, did the damn Heimlich maneuver on me and saved my life. And so for almost like 10 years, dude, I didn't eat any Doritos or tortilla chips. And I called them all choking chips, dude. And I avoided them at all costs.

Well, I think there's a reason why they had to come out with those round ones now. You know, they don't do Doritos round. Just for safety reasons. For safety reasons. I think too many people, like, this is what happened to me. I mean, it was a taco. Nothing against taco shells. Love them.

But this one was a double fried taco shell, and it just gave me a double, like, real gash. And technically, those are rounded on the edges, so I don't know how I was able to work through that. But regardless, I think that's why they came up with the round chips, Allie. Too many people injuring themselves with pointy chips. They don't taste as good, though. For some reason, the pointy chip tastes better than the roundy chip. It's the danger. I think it's the danger you're into more than anything else.

Annie on KROQ, good morning. uh hey guys what'd you do how'd you hurt yourself injured by food is the question so i was about two years old and i didn't know what i was doing and i had a piece of pizza and the cheese spilled all over my neck and i was burned like that for about 10 years and i always had that scar whoa you have permanent pizza scar neck yeah it's still there sometimes people always ask like hey what happened to your neck and i was like yeah i was like two and i burned myself That's a great war wound, though. I mean, it's like...

Yeah, it's pizza. That's like what they used to do in the Middle Ages when people would try to break in the castle. They'd pour the hot tar on them or whatever, and this is the same thing, but you just got the hot cheese treatment from pizza. You're just branded with good cheese forever. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

So drizzle down your neck. It's delicious. I'm sorry for you, but that still sounds somehow delicious to me. Denise, I'm K-Rock. What happened to you? What's up, Klein? I ate a Carolina Reaper hot pepper,

and I had a stomach ache after. Like, not just my mouth, my stomach was burning after I ate it. I mean, that's... I mean, you know that going in, though, right? Yeah, you did that intentionally. That's very different than a guy getting knocked out because of a frozen chicken wing

or someone accidentally... Frozen. Frozen. Or someone accidentally getting, you know, the flaming hot cheetah treatment down south. Yeah, but that second part is unintentional. At least you knew going in you were eating something hot

and bad things could happen. Allie, you claimed that you had an issue with a jalapeno pepper in your vagina. Yeah, well, I was cutting jalapenos, I was making my white people tacos, you know, age-old recipe. I can't believe you even use, I would think for white people tacos, you would only use bell peppers or some white people pepper. I use bell peppers and onions that I saute like fajitas, and then I also put in some chopped jalapenos into my ground turkey. Man, that is so white. And before I put the Greek yogurt on top of my taco, because it's a little healthier than the sour cream.

What a shame. I ate my tacos, enjoyed myself. I think I even did wash my hands, but I'm not sure. And then later on, this was, I think, when Katie was out of town, so I went to town on myself. You went to self-pleasure. Yes, and then I was like, oh, crap, I forgot that this was still on my hands. And then it, yeah, it really burned.

Sucked. Really sucked. And like I said, you can't do anything about it. You just got to kind of wait it out. And it's kind of a nice tingle at first, but then it just hurts. So you went from White People Taco Night directly to White People Taco Night. Oh, yeah. It was a White People Taco Night.

Man. Well, I wish we could get to all these stories, but we can't because we're out of show. Still wasn't, though. So we'll do some takeaways and then wrap things up after this. You got them? Get them to us now on the text line. Klein Alley Show. Okay, right.

Let's get out of here. Do some takeaways. Hit the road. Sluggo's in in moments. Got that 90s at noon for you. And tickets. Tickets, tickets all over the place every hour. Get yourself into Not Scary Farm.

All you got to do is listen, call, and win. Four tickets. You don't even have to pick your favorite kid. You can bring them both. Or if you don't have kids, just pick up two random ones from the bus station. Bring them. That's cool. Takeaways from today's show.

What do we got? 714. My takeaway is she lives in Australia. Strong takeaway. 925. Uncle Skis is going to get that guitar money. 774. If your name is Mason, you can blame Big Jar.

626, Allie is the new offensive lineman at the Super Bowl. She's going to run naked on the field, nine months pregnant. That'll make the news. That'll be great. 5-6-2, my takeaway. Because they can't tackle you. No, they can't. It's actually the greatest.

You'd be the only striker. The greatest trick she ever played. They would have to let, because Allie's due on Super Bowl Sunday. If she goes and she runs on the field, you won't be able to run much. But a naked, pregnant woman running. And waddling. And I'll have the metaglasses. Yeah.

I'll waddle under the field. They're not allowed to tackle you, so they're just going to have to let you run out of air. So slowly. Like, they're so able to catch up with me and they can't do anything. They're going to have to, like, harpoon you or something. Like Moby Dick. We got her. That's great.

Drag her in. Can't wait for this NFL season. 562, my takeaway is anything is a controlled substance when you put it in your pocket. Yep. And 909, my takeaway is Klein doesn't speak for other people's genitals. I don't make it a habit. And I will not start doing that now. I respect that man's flaming Hot Cheeto wife vagina more than to speak for it.

Wife vagina? Whatever. See, that's why I don't speak for other people's genitals. I have a hard enough time speaking English. Yeah, I know. It's rough. And 650, my takeaway is Hot Cheetos should come with a warning label. That would be interesting if we could somehow get them to add that warning label to the bag

about not going down on someone within an hour. I mean, especially everything's spicy. They're flaming everything, as we know. Right. So everything needs to just come with a little bit of a disclaimer saying don't touch your privates or other people's privates. Vanessa, you have a takeaway? Yes. Not everything on your phone is sexual.

It's also gambling. That's right. It's not all sexual. Sometimes it's gambling related. Johnny, takeaway? Ally puts the more in paramour. Sure does. You can see the picture that goes with that.

It's up on her Instagram, a Klein Ally show, and it is fat Ally at her. She doesn't believe that's even her at her fattest. Oh, it's not. No, I was much bigger than that. Yeah, but it is a great picture. She's blocking half the band. What's your takeaway, Allie? Thanks.

Thanks for throwing me out for that insult. My takeaway is if you're wearing a white hat, you know tennis. That's true. Anyway, go ahead and talk now, Patty. Jesus Christ. What's up, my bitch? Jake, your takeaway? Yeah, only Omar can say, wapow.

Yeah, Omar's the only guy that has the rights. He's a huge fan of that football team in Washington now. Forced upon him. Omar, do you have a takeaway? I'm nervous, but what is it? No, no. And my takeaway is that Dumpin' Patchouli by Dior, coming this fall. Yeah, that's right.

That's Jake's scent, his signature scent. All right, we'll do it tomorrow. Try to do it better. If you need us in the meantime, you can find us on the GOAT line, 844-956-GOAT, Instagram Klein Alley Show. And we'll see you a week from today at the Fiesta Siesta. Jake, you want to let out one final squaw before the first game of the NFL season? There it is.

Good little birdie. Squaw! We'll do it tomorrow. Try to do it better. All right, goodbye. Klein Alley, it's just okay. Clown and Allie, it's just okay. Oh.

Clown and Allie, it's just okay. Just, just, just, just, just okay. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.