Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Jake's New Dating Profile

Episode Date: July 17, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. Now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. So I've never been intimate with Jake.

What a beautiful, beautiful message. That was the first time we heard that phrase. It was from the mom tender. It was on the GOAT line. And she wanted to make sure everyone knew loudly and proudly after a terrible rumor got started that maybe that was Jake's succulent girlfriend, that she's just a regular listener of the show. And now her husband thinks that maybe she was having some sort of illicit affair with Jake, but that's not the case. And so we got these shirts made.

And in fact, please call the mom tender. Make sure she gets one of these shirts because she was the inspiration for the I've never been intimate with Jake shirts. And Jake is sick and tired of being the laughingstock of the world of sex. And as a result. And the world at large. He's decided to give control of his dating profile to Allie and Vanessa because the one he was currently using, which was on Facebook dating, was not going well for him. And he got banned because he was the most aggressive swiper in the history of Facebook. I got banned for a day.

I had to calm down. And then it did result, I mean, even after looking at his profile, I can't believe he matched with anybody. But he did even match with somebody, and then the date didn't go well. So we definitely need to throw out the original profile and start over. And she was hot, too, supposedly. According to Jake, she was hot. But he forced her to go to one of his hard rock shows, and she wanted no part of it. And she probably even said that to him, but he doesn't listen because he's so stubborn.

Yeah, and he just wants to take any girl to do what he already planned on doing. There's no thought into... What she might like. Right, there's zero thought. Or finding something a little more neutral and then leaning into the things that you like doing. Who was the girl you left in the hospital when you went to that Tool concert? It wasn't Tool. It was Nine Inch Nails.

And she wasn't in the hospital. She just got it out of the hospital. That was my ex. So we've picked a few new pictures. And mainly, all of the pictures on your Instagram are of you with your dog. We need like one with your dog. Maybe two. But if you have every single picture with your dog, it looks like you're a weird dog freak.

That's what I am. But, Allie, don't you think, though, that when he shows up on the date and he is going to have the dog with him because he – Jake, you bring the dog out on first dates, obviously. I take it everywhere. Right. So don't you think that that already is going to be – Yeah, but at least try and cover it up a little bit with your charm and let them figure it out for themselves that he's a weird dog freak. They're not even going to give –

Have you met Jake? Yeah, but they're not even – There's no ounces of charm there. There's so much charm. There's no charm. I know, but at least if you're having a conversation with somebody already, you got them in person. Like, if you put it all in your profile,

no one's even going to go on a date with you. Right, Vanessa? If someone... Correct. Sorry, I was going to close the door. Vanessa jumped out a window of the building. I mean, it was too many pictures with the dog, right? Yeah, like, girls like dogs, trust me.

But just give me two. No, not you. Am I yelling? Yes. Sorry, not all the photos. Like, come on, buddy. Give me just a glimpse of your other life. But here's the thing.

Everyone is experienced at this point. You look at someone's dating profile, and the actual version of that person who shows up is nothing. Either it doesn't look like them or everything that you thought because they put a profile together just to get you, and then that's not them. The fact that Jake has every picture with his dog, I think, is at least honest because he is going to show up on the first date wearing a dog. And I think a lot of women are going to be like, oh, my God. Yeah, but. What is that about? I'm interested in what you think, Vanessa, because I know you've been catfished before,

and a lot of people present something different online than they are in real life. But in Jake's case, I feel like he should bend the truth a little. Yeah, just to help you out, buddy. Just to help. To get you some matches. Just a few matches. And also, Jake, before Ali breaks down what they've done to your profile, and then Johnny's going to give you his input as well.

Uh-huh. Vanessa, true or false, when you bang the chef in the car, in the parking lot. That didn't happen. Remember I shared that on a vacation? He was not wearing a dog, correct? Well, allegedly, no. Right. Just saying.

The proof is in the pudding right there. Vanessa's date showed up no dog, and she had sex with him right there in the car parking lot. That's not true. He wasn't right there. Jake, if it meant that you were going to have a long-term girlfriend and regular sex, would you leave the dog home every once in a while? I don't know. I didn't think about it. I mean, you have to broaden your horizons a little bit.

I think that there aren't as many people who are okay with somebody having their dog with them at all times, 100% of the time. I don't know. Well, then you're not okay with me. So some of the pictures I chose. You're going to have to get a lot more of these shirts made. The one I chose of him with the dog, he's just, the dog's on his lap. It's not in a backpack or anything. Whoa, how fat is he in that picture?

No, I actually asked AI to make him a little more muscular and attractive. What? Oh, AI did that? Yeah. It made me fat. Wow. Well, no, it's muscle. No, he looks like one sandwich away from being overweight.

Okay, well, he looks skinny in this other one that I picked, which is him, I think, maybe 20 years ago. Yeah, that's a good picture. But it's a good picture. What is this picture from? You're holding a license plate? He's holding a license plate. He's a Washington State alumni license plate. Is that when you were in college, Jake, this picture?

No, that was during the Apple Cup, maybe 2020, 2021. See, he looks good in this picture. That's only five years ago? Look how put together he looks. He looks like just a cool guy, right? Well, he's got sleeves on his shirt, which is nice. He's not wearing flip-flops. Yeah. This third one is him in his work environment, but I asked AI again to make him more muscular and shirtless.

Oh, wow. And he is rather sweaty, but this is the one that Vanessa and I don't agree on. There are some people that are going to like this photo, and some people wouldn't like it. I think that women will be mostly turned off by that. I mean, I think they would say, wow, he's got a good body, but also why would he be sitting shirtless in the workplace? So I think that's a good question to ask. It does look fake. It's a conversation starter.

That's exactly what it is. Why are you such a weirdo? No, it's a conversation starter for sure, because if a girl sees some naked guy sitting behind a radio mic... They're like, what's the story? Yeah, she's going to be like, first of all, what's radio? And then she's going to be like, what the hell? Why is he sweaty and just sitting behind the desk? Yeah, so I also think you should change your work description to just a podcast producer.

I think we should take radio out of it completely. Isn't that worse? Podcast producer? Jake's right. But it's more normal, though, in L.A. in 2026. I think so, too. People have made up jobs like that all the time. The best thing Jake has going for him is that he has K-Rock on his profile. Yeah, podcast producer.

It's like saying you have herpes. Podcast producer is the model. Everyone has herpes, too. But that really is like, you know, you come to L.A. and someone's like, oh, I'm a producer. Oh, what have you produced? Well, we're working on an entrepreneur. Podcast producer is like in that same category now. It means nothing.

Vanessa listed his hobbies as going to concerts, bars, and reading, which I think is a good one because he read a book once. And women find reading hot. so i think that's a good thing to put on his profile other than like his other hobbies which are just asking for butter at restaurants now there's also prompts on your bumble profile that you can finish the prompt like um if i had a superpower it would be blah you know you can pick different things um we'll get along if you know we can add his thing like if you think bucky's is a gas station oh right you know you can put like a funny response what do you think your superpower would be jake freeze time oh jesus christ it's dope man you can rob any bank

get away from anybody be sick can never be late again be awesome i mean i think he's got to talk about all right we'll skip that one explosive ass probably the better superpower no i already had that superpower um i quote too much from himself when he tries to yeah like movies like isn't there a movie that you quote a lot yeah there's a lot of movies i quote disneyland he says disneyland a lot oh yeah he quotes bulletproof i quote too much from jake shack baines and i quote too much from star wars well here's one that i thought would be good my personal hell is and i thought you could put like the airport las because it's kind of true you know that he doesn't like the airport but who does right you know so it's like bending the truth you want to be

relatable with women, so they go, I also hate the airport. This guy's for me. Yeah, I'm a real nerd about, I thought you could put music, just because he is a bit of a music nerd, and some girls might find that hot, even though they don't know what kind of music. How about the fact he plays Magic the Gathering with children? Yeah, I was going to say, and in quotation marks,

and Magic the Gathering. But I guess that's the kind of stuff you hide from the dating profile. I rarely play with children. Well, guys, we can't be on, like, if we were to say My Summer in three words, and we put tubes, breakups, and diarrhea, no one's going to swipe on that. No, you're right. Let's find out. But that's fine, though, because it's relatable, because a lot of girls nowadays, they have IBS, too.

So if Jake says he's got IBS, they're bonding over having poop problems. Yeah, so, I mean, Johnny's profile upgrade is very short and sweet. It just says, cool job, drug-friendly, 700 credit score, 8 inches and thick. Do you have a 700 credit score, Jake? I have no idea. He does now. I don't even have $700. Never mind. Delete that.

Loyal, cool job. If date goes well, then Del Taco on me. Hashtag GLP1 gang Dog stays on during sex I gotta say I gotta say Johnny's is a better profile Looking for something casual

But not opposed to the next step I think that's good Johnny, I think you slayed this profile Interests are baddies Especially when their names end with a Kendrick Lamar Drugs, beer, and my dog Jake, do you know anything from Kendrick Lamar?

Yeah, I do a karaoke song of his sometimes Don't say that And he says Which one? The one with tons of N-words in it? No, it actually has no N-words. And then he had Jake take a shirtless photo of himself. It looks like an incredible hole.

It's getting angry. It looks sexy, bro. I mean, honestly, thank you for the compliments. I feel like I did a really great job with Jake right here. Jake, I think you guys got to post both profiles and see what gets more likes. I agree. We'll just see. I mean, there's no way.

That your current profile could be better than either of these. Yeah, your current profile is the worst one. So I think that at least let's go ahead and give this a shot. Can I take these and make slight changes? No. What would you want to change? Well, just lots of stuff, actually. But I'll only change a couple things.

Why don't you try it out like this? You obviously are not having any success doing it your way. You let us take it over. Try it Johnny's way and try it Vanessa and Ali's way. You guys are making it something just like mean and bad. Like that AI photo. I just look like an idiot. Does it mean to say, Jake, you're eight inches and thick?

Well, I don't want to lie. that's not oh my god hey uh amanda on k rock let's get an actual female's perspective here go ahead amanda sorry ali no no that person okay that's fine hi sweet tippets what's up um i just wanted to come on and say that i'm jake with his dog 24 7 some people would find that cool i think that's cool like i love dogs yeah but even if you love dogs if the person you were dating had the dog on his person in a backpack almost all the time, wouldn't that eventually, that would be okay

with you? That'd be okay with me. I mean, I wouldn't have a dog like that. So then I guess, but the percentage has got to be low, right? I mean, it's got to be like 1-2%. The percentage is definitely low, and the percentage is definitely low for Jake. Right.

That's a good point. Add that to the dating profile. Alright, so let's post them both. We'll see if you get any bites this weekend. if you'd like to play a little game with us right now inspired by the new blockbuster Odyssey a name that is very similar to our company's name which is Odyssey you can play a game and win some of this limited edition merch

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