Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Klein's Bad Ordering

Episode Date: June 17, 2026

New episode of Klein Alley Show is about to begin, but before that can happen, Alley, let's tell the people what they need to know. You mean about San Bernardino International Airport? Of course I'm talking about the San Bernardino International Airport. Easy, close, and not LAX. And parking is always just five bucks a day, which means it is El Cheapo approved. Fly nonstop to Provo, Utah for all the skiing, snowboarding, or wives you can handle. And of course you can fly into my hometown of San Francisco, San Bernardino International Airport, when airports smell great. I'm very jealous of anyone who's in a relationship right now, and the person that they're with likes to cook and does it really well.

Because I think in every relationship, usually either no one cooks or there's one. Very rarely you get two people that are both good at it. Usually someone is better at it than the other. And I don't think it's, you know, growing up my mom would do the cooking because I think that was just the way it was. But my dad did one thing. It was like he made hamburgers on the grill. That was his job.

But they weren't great, and they usually had knuckle hair in them. but that was like his thing. And whenever I would open the fridge and I would see like a pile of ground beef, I'm like, oh, I guess my parents are fighting and my dad has to cook tonight or something. But my mom did most of the cooking. She was pretty good at it.

Self-taught, but like she would make stuff and it tasted good. I was lucky. In the marriage I'm in now, my wife doesn't cook anything. Can't do it. She can't. So she's overwhelmed by it and doesn't like it?

Doesn't like it. Doesn't know what she's doing. Wouldn't have any concept of... Like even mac and cheese or something? like she can't she could make a box of mac and cheese but also like i get annoyed by because even the box of mac and cheese she'll put the pasta into the empty pan for uh empty she'll take a pot and she'll just put the dry noodles in the pot first why because she goes in the order she just does things in order that it's not the right order and then she'll put water on top of

that and then put it all on the stove like that let it slowly get to a boil and i say that's so wrong already no no no no you put the noodles in after the water's already warm usually you supposed to wait till it's boiling before you drive regardless so she said all right i do the cooking and she does the ordering but now she has lost that job as well because if you're not a good cook at least you should be good at ordering and i think that there is a epidemic now of people that are bad orderers being a bad order is an embarrassment and it's not just you and your little household unit if you are in a group and you order for a group and you mess it up that's a lot of pressure and you have lost your privilege to be the orderer and there is a responsibility

because your job is to make sure you've kind of figured out the basics you've done whatever if there needs to be adjustments you've done that right but you took everyone got their thing there's still a good chance because it just happens where something gets messed up along the way that's not your fault but at the very least when you look at that receipt on the bag that's stapled to the bag you should be able to go like look i did i did everything right i did my part and last night uh she said i'm gonna handle the ordering because i was taking the kids around all day yesterday god i need school to start again when does it start again it's only been a week oh my god and uh she goes i'll take care of dinner i'm gonna order and i said great thank you

did she even pick the place yeah i said i don't i said i had screaming in the background i said just you figure it out order uh then um we're i'm home and she goes i think the food's here can you go out and get it the guy gets out of his car he's holding a very little bag very very small bag and i think to myself there's no way whatever she ordered is not gonna it's not gonna make a dent in my appetite but maybe it's something like you add water and it gets bigger or something i didn't know it's like those little dinosaurs the guy the guy hands me the bag it's very light and he says thank you and good night you know whatever thank you and he moves on what of interesting thank you and goodnight.

And it was a weird exchange and he had to take a picture of it too to prove that he brought it to me. And then I feel the bag and I turn back and yell to him, is there something else? And he goes, he looks,

he goes, no, that's it. That's it for you. I open it up. It is four place settings is what she ordered last night. She ordered cutlery only? Four cutleries.

No food. A four different fork, knife and spoon with napkin, salt and pepper things. How do you make that mistake? And I said, what did you think you ordered?

And she goes, I got some salads, and I got some others. And somehow in the process, she canceled all of the food, but kept the checkmark that said, yes, we want utensils. And they somehow charged us $8 for the utensils and the shipping, or whatever, $8 for delivery. Plus the tip and everything, I bet. Yeah, plus the tip. And the guy seemed confused when he handed it to me, and that's all she got. These are these weirdos that are just going to pretend like they're on the movie Hook. Yeah, we have four utensil sets, zero food.

Oh, my God. And she said, I think I'm done ordering. I can't do it. Oh, yeah, you are done ordering. She said. A dozen. Yeah, because then it sucks because you're still so hungry and you have to do the process all over again. Any inclination that she's just putting this on and, you know, made this mystic on purpose?

Omar, if she is doing it on purpose, she's playing the long game because this is done. This will mess him up. Cutlery only. I've written down some of the previous ones. Now, on the opposite side of that, this was years ago. She was ordering Zanku. And she was trying to order, this time she wanted to add cutlery for eight people to go with the family meal. Instead, when that car pulled up, the guy kept bringing more and more bags of chicken out of his car because she ordered eight family meals.

Oh, my God. For my family. His whole car is full of chicken. Eight family meals. Now, this was the same problem. Doesn't she see the total? And I say to her, aren't you getting an instant charge that says, and she goes, but her phone is. You spent $500 on chicken.

And this guy pulled up and he just kept bringing more and more chickens out. And I said, what is possibly going on there? That's such a commitment, too. I tried to add plates because I've said before, if they ask you, if you want the stuff, take it anyway. We can always use those things. There's been a time before where she's ordered. This happened actually a few times. She's ordered food to a completely different address.

Oh, yeah. Well, you've done that, too. Old address or work address. Like, that's a big one, too. Like, she's like, oh, the food says it's here. And I go, there's no one outside. And she goes, oh, my God, I sent it to my office or I sent it to my client. Doesn't she work from home?

Well, she works from home. She does have an office in Beverly Hills she can use when she goes there. But, like, she's ordered food there. She's ordered food to other states before. Like states that she's been to? Yeah, like she was on a business trip and she ordered food to the hotel or whatever. and then the first thing you check is the right address this happens regularly i mean i'm not talking once in a while regularly there's a lot of reading you have to do a lot of checking it's

like booking a flight it's like booking a rental car or a hotel you really have to read those details over and over again and i like to pass the phone around to anybody who wants to order so they can add what they want so there's no room for error and that's a great move you do in general there's a cpk that's about less than a mile from where i live she's ordered from cpk before but And she's ordered from the one that was 22 miles away. Oh, damn. So that one takes forever to get to. You've done that before.

I did that one time here, Jake. Yes, with your stupid expensive pizza. I think you're both bad orderers. No, I'm good. I'm a great orderer. I take that job soon. But she gets mad because she goes, you spent so much time on the order. You have to.

Because you've got to make sure everything's right. Oh, I've seen your ordering face. It's very concentrated. It's the only time I'm ever focused in life. I'm very down. No one talked to me. I'm trying to get this right. It's a lot of pressure.

And there's a lot of pressure. Johnny takes ordering seriously around here. when Johnny takes care of food for the show. He's one of those guys like that. Remember when he ordered like eight coffees? I didn't order eight coffees. I just accidentally picked up two more than I should have. Vanessa, bad order.

Really? Remember the time Vanessa brought me the coffee? Oh, yeah, it was half milk. It was half cream. That was not... I got the order. They put it wrong. I'm sure.

It was a giant cup from Starbucks that was half filled with cream. Hey, women, am I right, Klein? No. I'm not saying that at all. No, bad, Johnny, bad. I'm not saying that at all. So I'm just saying, if you're not going to be a good chef in life or a good cook in your

relationship, please get good at ordering. No, she's done. I think I'm going to take the apps off her phone so she can't even do it anymore. Yeah, just sign her out of everything. Yeah, it's... Because she'll order stuff for herself, right? In order of just one little thing. She's done that before, which is incredible.

She ordered one cup of coffee. She couldn't reach the K-Cups one time because I put them on like a high shelf. And so she's just like, don't worry about it. I took care of it. And then I saw, did you order one cup of coffee? She goes, yeah. I go, why would you do that? In what world does that make sense at all?

It's just a cup of coffee. I go, get a stepstool. This is crazy, Tom. I know, but it's still easier than cooking. But there was no cup, Allie. There was no coffee. It was just an empty cup because that's how she rolls. We've got to take a break.

When we get back, here's the question for you. What is a catchphrase that your father has said over and over and over again? Maybe it's his saying, his calling card. That could score you a brand new TV. The Father of All Giveaways starts next at 800-520-1067.