Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Klein's Leaf Blower

Episode Date: August 4, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. Now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. Today's the day, even though it's Jake's birthday, that I emerge as a man.

And I'm so thrilled that I was able to come in here with my new leaf blower. I don't know what I've been waiting for my whole life. There's a couple things I've always said I was going to get. One of them is a deli-style meat slicer. I've always thought that would be a cool thing to have on my counter so that I could just slice meat like they do. That seems more like you than this. I know, and I probably should have gone with that. I've been talking about that meat slicer for, God, over a decade.

And I don't know why I've never done it. I love hearing about it every time. but uh how much are those things they're not too bad i think uh i think it's less about the cost of it and more about the upkeep of it i think there's a lot of uh you gotta get cleaning sharpening those blades a lot and then you also gotta buy you know you no longer are buying slices of meat at the deli you're now buying the giant ramhawks that's that's you though all the way i know they have them at costco they have those big giant turkey i put it in my i put it in my cart every time and say if only i had a slicer i would buy this and then i'd put it back and then i bought

them and sliced them by hand well that loser talk that's loser talk you gotta get one of the real ones and i'm talking about like the ones you see at jersey mike's you know those nice looking ones that blade is constantly spinning so smooth smooth feels good i would just sit there and slice all day slice and eat but whatever i didn't i've wasted that moment and instead i went with leaf blower which i feel like i needed to do for three reasons primarily uh my yard looks pretty much every day now like it is a complete disaster zone why just because leaves falling well i think because of how hot it's been every leaf has just fallen but also the spider i feel like i'm already people i think people already think i've decorated for halloween because of the out the outside looks

like it's dead leaves everywhere and just cobwebs yeah and well in my backyard it's like here's bird poop and dead bees and just you know leaves from other people's yards fruit that's fallen I think every plant is struggling to survive right now in this heat. And I have two neighbors, and they both have blow-and-go services. And I feel like I'm just constantly having their leaves blown back and forth across my house. And I have no weapon in this fight. I'm nothing. I'm just a man.

I don't even have a rake. I got nothing. So I got the leaf blower, and I contemplated it. First, I made a mistake. I went with a Makita. Wait, you don't have any other gardening tools? Like a shovel, one of those little pansy gardening bags, anything like that? You don't have a pansy gardening bag?

I don't. Come on, pansy gardening bag. So the only thing you own as a tool tool is this leaf blower. I have a hammer. Oh, you have a hammer. Do you have a toolbox? I do have a toolbox, but most of what's in the toolbox is a bunch of random- It's just a QR code for TaskRabbit.

It's a bunch of random nails and stuff, and lighter fluid. I'm sure it's well organized. It's a ladder fluid. It's chaos. Who said nails and a ladder fluid? Well, for a while, I hid. That's how you hang a picture. I'm not very handy.

But now that I've got the leaf blower talking to change, and I'll turn it on right now. But yesterday, you know, I want. It seems like you have to work your way up to a leaf blower as a tool man. No, because I borrowed one, and I was pretty good at it, and I think there's a skill to it. The one I borrowed was a much better one than the one I ended up getting. because this one, even though it has 650 horsepower or whatever it's got, I don't know how they rate it, I've made a bit more of a mess than I've solved at this point

because I didn't have a good plan going into it. Now, are you getting the, like, you know, like moths to a flame, the men in the neighborhood could be going over and being like, ah, it's a nice leaf blower. Would you get that? Is that a Makita? I was hoping they would. I did have a gardening service that kind of gave me a stink eye as they drove by me in their pickup truck yesterday.

I think they thought I was, like, coming in on their turf. Which is, by the way, turf. It's AstroTurf. So I did want you to know that part of the reason I got this was not just for outside upkeep, but for inside the house, I realized a lot of things I could do with the leaf blower. I spend most of my day picking up socks, picking up kids' clothing that's left behind. The dog still shreds toilet paper. It's like his favorite thing to do.

And I'm constantly... So you're just blowing it around like confetti throughout the house? Yeah, and it's a lot. It's fun. And by the way... But you're just blowing it around. You're not actually picking it up. You're just doing what the gardeners do, but you're doing it inside.

Yes. Blowing it from room to room. Yes, but I blow it all into one room, and then it's that room's problem. And you shut the door. And the other thing that I've done is if you blow enough of the stuff against the wall quick enough, you can catch it in the air like you're in one of those money machines where it's got the dollar bills. Right, right. You can grab them.

You don't have a lot of free time. Yeah, but that's how I want to spend it. What are you doing with your time here? This is what you're choosing to do, blow socks around? I also just looked it up. Your leaf blower only has one horsepower. One? Hold on.

It's got 650 CFMs on it. Yeah, that's what it says here. And it's .73 horsepower. Please don't point that at me. Stop it. Allie. Stop it. No.

How's that feel? How's that feel? Not good. Is that cooling you off at all? No. No, it's not. Is that the low setting? That was the low.

Yeah. You want me to crank it a little bit? Yeah. I don't want to get blown by you. Leave me alone. The point of this is that... I never asked for this. There's a lot more you can do with this than just, you know, as it says on the thing, four leaves and gardening stuff.

Inside the house, I'm going to tell you yesterday, I walked in, my wife was very upset about the noise. She hated it. This thing was described as pleasantly quiet. Haven't you said yourself this is one of the most annoying sounds a person can hear? It's annoying because you're not doing it. This is my point. If you're the one doing it, it's not annoying. But if you're the one annoying everyone, it's fun.

Yeah, if you hear it, it's annoying. If you're the one holding it, all of a sudden now, and I'm sick and tired. I hate, I hear leaf blower noise constantly. It's like the official soundtrack of Southern California. It's sublime and leaf blowers. Then let me hold it. No. Because then it's annoying again.

Then it's annoying again. No, no girls allowed. Yeah, but I will say that yesterday as I was blowing socks around my house, my wife was on the toilet and she was mad at me. She goes, what is that noise? I said, it's my new leaf blower. And she goes, oh God, are you serious? And I said, yeah.

And she goes, that's so stupid. Return it. and then she was in the bathroom. I walked in on her. She was standing up to wipe. And guess what I did? Wiped for her. What?

Blew her dry. Did it do the job? Low setting. Yeah. Omar, you hear that? You hear that, Omar? Yeah, it's pretty impressive. 0.73 horsepower.

Real job, you got to blow dry this. It'll take a while down here. I bet she's hardwood floors. On the rainforest, baby. It's getting all the stuff off the... I don't... Hey! Look, there goes all his coffee.

Stop! Stop! See what it's doing? It's getting all the stuff... I see. I know how a leaf blower works. Why are you showing me this? I'm showing you it's getting all the stuff off. You're probably not even good at this.

No, not yet. Does your backyard even look even better? No, I'm glad you asked. I asked my wife that question yesterday. This is what she said after I did some... After I started my leaf blowing yesterday. Is this thing going to run out of battery soon? It's almost dead.

Okay, thank God. This is what she said. I don't want you to shut up. Oh, that's my kid. She's not a fan. This is my wife's review. So you don't think I did a good job? Looks like someone threw up on our porch now.

Yeah. Okay. Now, I didn't plan it well. I don't think you realize how much dust is flying around this room already. That's asbestos, Allie. That's the good stuff. Why are you doing... I'm pregnant.

I know, but this is going to help strengthen everything. And it's going to help... What? It's going to help clear this place out. Does it say that on the box? I'm going to show you how strong this is. If Jake were to come in here and stand by me, I could blow him with this thing. and the smell, his smell, would waft over to you at 600 miles an hour.

Oh, that's good stuff. I don't want to do any of these experiments. This is 150 miles an hour. My wife said already I've made the front porch look like someone threw up all over it, and that was only with one day of use. Yeah, those leaves were up in the gutters. Yeah, you think you can be a gardener? Yeah.

Well, nobody's going to pay you. I did it backwards. I cleaned down here, then I went upstairs, then I made a mess down here. I did it differently tomorrow. But we'll be doing it every day. It was so satisfying blowing all those leaves out of the gutter. Just so many leaves. I don't think those gutters have ever been cleaned.

And I blew them all out, and then they went all over my yard. And then you walked away? Yeah. At that point, I felt like my job was done, and I got bored with this already. So I moved on. This was my kid not happy that I'm going to take up this new identity. I don't want you to start a gardener business. Why?

Because I don't. Why? Did you see my leaf blower? No, I don't want you to. So turn it off. What? What? I don't want you to start one. Why?

Dad, just don't. You already have a job. You don't need a gardener business. Don't start one, please. He has a job in radio. He does need a gardener business. You don't understand the state of radio right now? This is called my backup plan, kid. Get ready. You think I already have a job. Why can't I garden, too?

I don't want you to. Please. Dad, you mean our house or other people? Everyone who wants me to do it. No, I don't want you to, Dad. She's very upset about it. I'm so traumatized. She just thinks it's so embarrassing and humiliating that I'm walking around just blowing everything.

And by the way, this thing is, I don't know if it's not strong enough or cobwebs are too strong. It doesn't work on cobwebs. You know what you should do, Klein? If you're really into this, you should go shirtless and do an OnlyFans, like a leaf blower OnlyFans,

where you're like hot around the house blowing stuff. I'm not doing it for the glory, Allie. I'm doing it to... Annoy everyone? To annoy everyone. I would think it'd be really funny if you drove your kids to school and walked up to school with that thing?

I would do it. Get in there. Get in the steps. The last few years, I've gone to that clean up the school day. They don't give me any of these power tools. They don't give me the good stuff like this. Yes, because they look at you and go,

you can't handle this. You don't know how to use it properly. Last two years, I showed up to volunteer to help clean up and they had things like this. I never got it. They gave me Windex and a sponge like a lady. Did you bring your lighter fluid and nails last time?

I got a box of lighter fluid and nails because you didn't hang anything. Why is she so upset? Do you think it's cool that I have a gardening business? Yeah. Do you like my leaf... Dad, can I come with you? Sure, do you like my leaf blower?

Are you going somewhere tonight? Yeah, anyone who wants me to come do their yard, I'll do it for free. Why for free? Because it's fun. And you could bring me? Yeah. And I'm on to doing it again, Allie. Now you're doing her photo shoot.

Just do it. So whenever you guys... Anyone needs any of this, I'll be bored with this soon enough. But for right now, consider me at your disposal. I want it gone. Oh, you want it gone too? I don't like it, and I don't want it in here. Unless it's for a fun photo shoot

Vanessa, I'm going to clean the back office later I know there's a lot of trash back there I'm going to take care of all of it No, I feel like the dust would fly everywhere Oh, you're right That's what's still going on in this studio The dust is going to fly everywhere But then guess what happens

We inhale it and it's gone No We both have horrible allergies Why are we doing this to ourselves? Well, you don't understand it But I couldn't expect that from you Because it's the man tool Thank you, Jake

You know, I have a leaf blower, too, I can bring in. We can do dueling leaf blowers. Oh, hell yeah. Mine has to be plugged in. Oh, no. The audience will love that. We will take a quick break. When we're back in a moment, the show will continue and be less stupid than this, believe it or not.

I'm going to see if I can send us on a break with this thing. Stop! I'm going to blow the button. No, you're not going to blow a button! This thing is going to break! What are you... It works! It works!