Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Klein's Massage

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

We'll get into an episode of Klein Alley Show in just a moment, but in the meantime, let's tell you about our absolute favorite place on the planet. Yep, that would be San Bernardino International Airport, where you can go through the airport process without waiting in long lines and overpaying for parking. Quick connections to the Bay Area and the world, plus ski and snowboard in Provo from San Bernardino all winter long. Every other airport, you're going to be in long TSA lines, you're going to be miserable, you're going to say, oh, I got to get there two, three hours before my flight.

Not at San Bernardino International Airport. And now we send you on a direct flight into our podcast, which starts right now. I'm not a massage guy. I know Hallie likes to get massaged. She likes to force people to touch her body. I usually find that whole experience to be not relaxing and incredibly uncomfortable. Well, you overthink through the process. You have to allow yourself to truly unlock.

You know what you should do is do an edible before you go in there. I've done that. I've tried that way before, and my brain just works overtime. Oh, really? If I'm on a gummy, then I'm thinking the whole time. It's moving slowly because usually what I do is the second they tell me to put my face down on that hemorrhoid pillow thing

you have to put your face in, which by the way is not comfortable either. No, and I have a ring around my face all day after that. I spend my time counting backwards. I literally go, alright, that's the first time they've touched me and now I'll just start counting backwards for whatever how long it is. Because you can't wait for it to be over or because you're wondering

Can't wait for it to be over. Wow. I hate everything about it. So you go to legit places or you go to a happy ending place? I've been there before yeah those are more fun it'll be a different counting experience but uh i count up that way one two three goodbye that's that's it's a much shorter count you're like i don't need the 60 minute rate yeah do you guys have a four minute rate because i'm interested in that if that's a possibility uh but the legitimate ones i don't like and for whatever reason i i my wife should know by now that i don't like massages i don't enjoy them but she does like the idea of a couple's

massage would be a nice thing for her. Yeah, she likes them more, but she likes to do these stupid ones like lymph node. Oh, lymphatic drainage. Yeah, what the hell is that about? It's all BS. It's BS? What does it even mean? It's just like your lymphatic system is just a bunch of like fluid

in your body and people think that if you drain it out, you're going to be thinner. So you're just pushing fluid out? Yeah. It's like changing your oil on a car? It's like a happy ending massage again. Yeah, you're doing lymphatic drainage. I like lymphatic drainage. I'm into it again.

It's actually phallic drainage. I signed up for the phallic drainage massage. So the other day, there's a place on Ventura. Of course there is. One of those very, you know, just you walk by, they got the flashing light in the window, open, open. I've been before. It's legit. Next to the acai place and the sushi place and the neon sign place is the massage place.

That's the way they go. And then it starts again, and that's pretty much Ventura Boulevard. and I have been before, and it's the weird thing about this place, and I think I may have talked about it, is that it's one of those places where they will walk all over your back. They have a bunch of bars on the ceiling. Love it. It's painful. That's when I know it's a good massage. And they stand on your back, and I did this one other time,

and this was well over a year ago, and I didn't know because when the person came and whispered in my ear, like, I'm laying down on my back, I don't really know what's happening, and then I get this kind of, like, not the cleanest English, but some version of, like, and I was giving approval for, I thought, I wasn't sure what type of place this was at the time. Just say yes. I thought it was a, you know, one of those lymphatic drainage situations.

You know what I'm saying? So I said, absolutely. And then they proceeded to climb on the table, and I said, whoa, this is getting crazy. They, like, bend your legs all crazy, too. But then they just walked all over me and, like, basically tap danced on my back for, you know, 25 minutes. And I felt the whole time, I said, this is really weird, but I spent the whole time laughing to myself about how ridiculous this probably looks. Well, and also, I like wondering what part of their body is touching me. I'm like, what is that, an elbow?

Yeah. Is that the ball of her foot? Yeah, it's weird. What is this now? It's almost torturous, but the person who did it the first time I went was a very, like, petite, you know, the Jake special, you know what I'm saying? Nice. I go back there this past weekend because... Why did you go back if you don't like it?

Because my wife decided she was going to take my daughters to get pedicures or something like that. She knows I just, that whole thing is terrible for me because I just sit, I just am the guy who's sitting in the not comfortable chair on the side looking at everyone. Oh, you have a reject chair. And it takes so, so she goes, why don't, while we do this, you're going to go here and I know you went there before and you said you liked it. And I said, I didn't say I liked it. I said, I got through it. She goes, well, I bought you a thing. And so I went in, and just like last time,

this petite person is waiting for me, very pleasant, big smile on their face, handing me a little green tea candy. Mm, yummy. And they said, what type of pressure would you like? I said, you know, something firm. My back's a little jacked up. And she goes, oh, firm. Okay, that's not me.

And then she yells down the hall. She goes, ah, ah, like some war chant. And this door opens, and this monstrous person comes out. I mean, like big girl, but big in every, not just big, like, like seven, I want to say close to seven feet tall, big and like probably 300 pounds. Cool. And she comes down the hall walking. Yeah, like that.

That's, I swear to you. Those hallways are so thin too. It was like, like this door, she turns these little tiny, oh, I think, oh, this woman's going to walk on my back for the next hour. That'll be fun. And then she goes, oh, I say firm. She goes, oh, not me. and then she turns

and she does like yells like a name like that voila and then all of a sudden the door opens up oh my god and this

monster just kind of starts like boom boom down down down the hall

and I go oh man I hope this is not what's coming to me now I don't want the drainage from her and she puts her hand

on my shoulder this massive hand oh cool I bet she's amazing and she kind of pulls me into the room and then just she twirls

you around spins me on her finger like a basketball and puts me on the table and i lay down and i think to myself if this woman walks on my back i'm gonna die look i i just know there's no way i can accommodate you said firm i said firm and then i then she said to me what type of pressure and i said this time i tried to back back up thinking maybe she'd swap me no and i go minimum minimum pressure minimum and she goes it says here she looks at the form shows me the form and she Where you circle the little parts of your body? Yeah, you're circled firm. And I go, ah, damn.

She got me on the form. I'm the firm girl. That's why they bring her in. She's like the pinch hitter. Yeah, they bring her in, like out of the bullpen. Yeah. Like Wild Thing, Ricky Vaughn. A literal bullpen.

Comes in out of that literal bullpen. And she puts me on the table, and I just lay down, and I'm now in full. You're tense. And I'm waiting for this to happen. She starts with the arm stuff. Are you shirtless, just in a towel, or? I'm in just my underwear. Whoa, okay.

I went in my underwear, and I'm under a sheet. But I know at any moment now, she's going to walk on me, and it's not going to be fun walking on me. So I spend now, I usually just count backwards in my head for the massage to end. This time I'm going, at what point am I going to be in the most pain of my life? And she's doing all the things, bending me like a pretzel, putting all the thing on me. Then she does the thing where she gets onto the table. I go, here it comes. But she doesn't walk on me.

She just, as she gets on the table, the whole table, I hear the table. I'm like, help! Like, it was the table. You're creaking and all this stuff happens. Some tables aren't very sturdy either. Even a regular person getting on one, you feel like it's rocking. I feel it buckling. And then she does a bunch of other stuff.

Arm, fist, starts punching my foot, doing that whole thing, punching the foot, a bunch of weird stuff where I feel like they just kind of make it up on the fly. Did she do that thing where she like J-O's your foot? Yeah, yeah, she did the J-O of the foot, which was kind of cool, but I was like a little low, a little low. That one is, I feel like, a little strange. And then a couple of this one's just punching, punching.

Like she was almost like Rocky training for the big fight. I was just going speed bagging on the bottom of my foot. This is an endorsement for me. I want to go to those places. And then I go, this must be the time. In my head, I go, it's been at least an hour. I got to get out of here. And then she comes up and I go, she gets down to my ear to whisper something.

And I go, this is when she's going to ask him. She can walk on me. And I have to say no in a gentle way. Can I kill you? And I finish him. So I have to think in a gentle way. How can I say no to this? And she goes, that's your time.

Thank you. And I go, oh, she didn't walk on me at all. So when I leave, I go out and I say, hey, check your ass. Last time I was here, they walked on me. Why don't they walk on me? She goes, oh, Minnie doesn't walk on you. Minnie? And her name was, which is the funniest thing ever.

She must have gotten that nickname. It's like a bouncer named Tiny, right? Yeah. So they go, yeah, Minnie doesn't walk on people anymore. And I go, oh. Not after. I go, what? It's not after the Ventura Massacre of 85.

So I'm so intrigued as to what happened at what point where Minnie, like, walked on someone and that was the game over. It was like a food challenge where it's like, if you're going to get Minnie to walk on you, you get your massage for free. So, Allie, I got to send you, I don't know. Did you get an I Survived Minnie shirt? They didn't sell those at the gift shop. But are you allowed, you're pregnant now, so you can't do that? I can do massages, but they're like foofy, crappy massages. I want to send someone in there to request the Minnie and see what goes on.

Because I'm telling you, I am not, like, I know you're thinking, oh, you must feel great afterwards. I was so scared the whole time that I'm, like, really stressed, more stressed from it. Do you feel, though, that you, I mean, all right. No, no, not relaxed at all. No benefit? No, no benefit. No drainage. Well, this is a benefit, us talking about this now.

That's the benefit now. That made it worth the money for me. Almost worth the $73 plus tip, right?