Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Klein's Skunk Encounter

Episode Date: June 22, 2026

New episode of Klein Alley Show is about to begin, but before that can happen, Alley, let's tell the people what they need to know. You mean about San Bernardino International Airport? Of course I'm talking about the San Bernardino International Airport. Easy, close, and not LAX. And parking is always just five bucks a day, which means it is El Cheapo approved. Fly nonstop to Provo, Utah for all the skiing, snowboarding, or wives you can handle. And of course you can fly into my hometown of San Francisco, San Bernardino International Airport, when airports smell great. I don't think we have that theme song anymore for his client a dummy and I'm glad we got rid of it

because you would have had plenty of chances to use it during this next story I'll share with you which is more of a warning to anyone else who plans on being outside at any point this summer and I know that summer is the summer is the season that everyone likes to go outside because things are nice. Summer is the summer Summer is the summer is what they say Allie

it's a very well known phrase it's my favorite catchphrase of the year I had a very for the first time i'd like to admit and yes i've smelled skunks many times and i've had skunks in yards before and i've had to have people help come and trap skunks before i imagine you've also blamed pot smoke on a skunk oh yeah many times oh yeah that was the best i mean i remember when they didn't know the difference yeah and i remember when i was like a camp counselor and kids would be what

is that and i bet i was out there wrestling a skunk don't worry you're safe but it was just weed you know that so skunks helped me get out of a bind every once in a while you were wrestling it Yeah, I don't know why that was my go-to. I guess I didn't want to. You were just rolling around with a skunk. I didn't want to think the skunk kicked my ass, so I wanted to let these young, impressionable kids know. Yeah, you had to look brave. And they probably, when they realized later, like I remember when I.

That man wrestled a skunk. But it's funny, because there is a time in your life when you realize what weed is, and you smell weed. And you're like, oh, I've been smelling that everywhere. Oh, I thought my uncle just lived with lots of skunks, and I realized he just loves weed. Yeah. And then you have the unfortunate encounter, and apparently now I'm not the only one who's saying this. There are skunks that are, they must have had some sort of a skunk orgy or something because they are popping up all over the place. Now, more than ever, and people are saying that they're coming out earlier.

Like, they come out right around, used to be they were more like a nocturnal. They would come out at night. Now, as soon as it gets like 435, as soon as the sun even starts to go down just a little bit, all the skunks just start cruising the streets. I've never seen one in my life Ali they're everywhere now I'm not even just saying my street, my neighborhood, my yard sounds like it

even as I was driving this weekend I saw more dead skunks on the road I've seen them dead never seen an alive one so for every dead one you see there's probably a thousand more that you didn't see that were cruising around they're like the kids on the e-bikes this time of year they're just taking over neighborhoods

so now they've probably all made it and now this is like the baby boom I think it's skunk baby boom time is what's happening now and I had a I had a terrible unfortunate encounter where everything was calm and I had a moment where I realized it's a long weekend it's a father's day weekend I'm gonna do something for myself and at a very unlikely time I went into my gummy shoe box where I keep all my gummies and I said I'm gonna have two gummies now one for fun and one for even more fun and I don't usually do that and I but it was a it was a moment Just weed or one of those magic-y ones?

Both weed, different strengths. And I decided I'm going to really, now it's like the weekend, it's a summer weekend. It just felt like the timing is right. Just now I'm going to take a gummy. You know, in 45 minutes, things are about to get fun. I know that nothing is going to alter the course of my night. So I am going to comfortably take these nummies, gummies. Nummy gummies.

Is Klein a dummy? You have to redo that to say, is Klein a nummy? no you did find it great uh-huh uh and as i um take the man i have a moment where i it's about three second moment where i go this is about to be a nice relaxing night and i deserve it and then i hear my dog who's in the backyard who was pawing to get out pawing pawing to get out i finally opened the door so we can go out to gate as we can't run anywhere and he's barking aggressively which he does sometimes at dogs that walk by and this time seems like it's a great neighbor thank you it seems like a more aggressive bark than normal so i i say usually i can just say

jerry treat that's all you gotta say jerry treat and he'll come running for the treat this particular time jerry treat jerry treat jerry treat does he's not moving he's still barking jerry treat jerry treat he's not doing anything jerry treat i sometimes gotta go up with the voice treat didn't nothing still barking so now i just had your treats i just had my treats Klein treat Klein nummy So I go outside And I see that he is

Really fixated on something in a bush Like really fixated on it And this has happened before occasionally With an old toy that he finds And he's trying to get out of there Sometimes he hides his own bones there He's trying to get them back So I don't really think much of it

Have your nummies kicked in at this point? No I just took them I had just taken them And they hadn't kicked in yet But I was at that point Where I was like i'm past the point of no return so i'm just waiting now for my night to get fun and so i say hey jerry stop uh stop being so dumb and get in there and have a treat or something like that

and then i go in and i sit down on the couch he's still kind of barking at this thing and then i smell the terrible skunk the undeniable smell of a skunk which so you didn't investigate what he was looking at not really decided to yell at him differently yeah yelled at him differently and then i decided i was getting tired from all the yelling so i wanted to go sit on the couch i deserve it i deserve this and then uh i smell the skunk smell and it's a pretty bad smell strong but i and i just as an idiot i go oh man i think to myself wow some some suckers night just got worse so that's the thought i have like someone someone got sprayed a jogger or a biker or something is klein a dummy and then i hate to be that guy and then i hear i did i did say like i

hate to be that guy that's literally the thought i have and then i hear jerry and his his barks have gone to more less of an aggressive bark and more of a bark slash kind of whimpery thing oh no so i go oh man this guy he must be smelling this too this must be terrible so i walk out and he turns his head and in his mouth holding it by the tail he's got this little skunk a baby one it looks like it's a baby skunk and he's holding it and i go is it dead no well it's hanging there looks lifeless almost so i assume that the skunk is either dead or that he picked up a dead skunk and that's where the smell came from or maybe he dug up a skunk that i don't know got buried and i so i go jerry drop drop drop and i'm yelling jerry's got a skunk jerry's got a skunk

and my wife's... People must think I'm just like a whore. Jerry's got a skull. So he will not let go of the thing. So I have to walk over to him and I go to pry his jaws open. And when I pry the jaws open, the thing drops

and then immediately... Bolts. Bolts and sprays him right in the face. Dude, the defense mechanism had probably just played dead until it got dropped down. Amazing.

So I kind of do this move like in The Matrix where I see the skunk spray coming and I kind of slow-mo move out of the way of the bullet. But it hits Jerry right in the face and in the mouth. And does he react at all? Oh, yeah. He starts doing some weird thing where he's trying to rub the smell off.

His whole body he's now rubbing all over the ground. Like having like a weird, like he's doing like snow angels on PCP. Man, what an amazing defense mechanism for that animal. Just to be able to spray your ass into somebody's face. What a unique skill. And the smell, which I've smelled a million times before, I've never smelled at this level. So now I go. It's really intense.

It is so intense that it almost gets past the point of bad. It never gets to good. But it gets past the, oh God, that's a gross skunk smell. Because it's so powerful that it overpowers its own smell. Like it singes your nostrils. Yeah, you can't even smell what you're smelling. So my immediate move at this point is I realize now I've got a dog that's been sprayed in the face by a skunk in my backyard. So I grab, as soon as he rubs his body all over the ground, I pick him up and I walk into the house with him.

Well, that's not a great choice. By the way, the first thing that I did wrong, that is the first thing you're not supposed to do is bring the animal inside. Because then your whole house smells, right? For a while, yeah. Still right now to this moment, it stinks. Oh, no. So I carry him inside thinking that I'm some sort of a hero. Then I immediately put him into the shower, and I start washing him with the skunk, trying to use the water to get all the skunk off him.

Oh, where's that dummy thing? By the way, it's the second thing that you are not supposed to do. What, wash it off with water? Is Klein a dummy? Because you can't do it. Because it's oil-based. Thank you, Jake. Wish I had known that.

because apparently when you wash it, all it does is it spreads the smell much wider than it really was. Like when you eat hot peppers or something or you drink water, it just spreads. So I'm 0 for 2. And then I've got my wife yelling in the other room and the kids are now up

and they're going, what happened? She goes, Jerry got sprayed by a skunk and now she's up and then I'm starting to feel the gummies start to kind of have their way with me and then she says, you need to get tomato juice. So now I've got, I run into the fridge. The closest thing I have is...

Is she just yelling from the couch? She's all the way upstairs because the snow is so bad. You got to get tomato juice, honey. So I run into the fridge. I have Bloody Mary mix, hot Bloody Mary mix. That's all I got. Don't have tomato juice. I'm not my grandmother.

Yeah, who just has tomato juice sitting around? Alls are not supposed to do that either. So I get this hot Bloody Mary mix. Are we just glossing over the fact that Jake knows way too much about skunks? Well, Jake is an outdoor smelly guy. He should know these things. Yeah, I have a competition with skunks all the time. Right.

Who can spray the ass faster? I tell you, as a guy who's been janked many times before, it's pretty bad, too. Have I ever had a dog get skunked before? I start to go back with this Bloody Mary mix, and I go, it's not tomato juice, but there's tomato in there. It'll probably work. And then I have a moment where I go, I don't know. It says hot jalapeno. It's going to probably burn him.

I'm not doing it. And then I had a moment of genius where I remembered, and I don't know where I heard this, but someone said you're supposed to put peanut butter on them. What? Who said that? I don't remember where I heard it, but I remember. That's even worse than tomato juice. So I go That just makes it a big mess

So I go back And luckily I had plenty of peanut butter to pick from And I start spreading peanut butter on him Because I heard someone said something about the oils The peanut butter does something with the oils Oh yeah that lame kind that has oil on the top Well no the oils of the skunk spray Oh god I got it

Then I realized after I put peanut butter on him That that's his favorite thing in the world So now he is just trying to eat himself He's got peanut butter on him And he's just trying to lick himself And he's still in the shower at this point He's rolling around, he's in the shower, and then peanut butter's on the wall of the shower, so he's licking that. So he's not sitting still, he's going crazy with the peanut butter.

Then I Google, are you supposed to put peanut butter on a skunk spray? And I can find no evidence that this exists anywhere. How are you just now Googling? Yeah. Because I'm, Allie, the smell is getting so powerful by the moment that if I don't do things, I'm getting, I'm like at a point now where I'm gagging. Right. The smell of skunk is. And you're high.

And I'm now getting high. And I had some of the peanut butter. Oh, nice. and the Bloody Mary mix. Little for me, little for you. So then I realized that at some point I thought someone told me peanut butter and I don't know if they said that to mess with me

or I made that up in my head. There's no evidence on the entire internet. Google literally wouldn't finish the phrase that you're not supposed to put peanut butter on a skunk spray. ChatGPT's just like, I got nothing for you. So I go through all of it and once again, the only thing I'm supposed to do

at this point, other than the things I already did wrong was stay outside. you're supposed to make some sort of a weird hydrogen peroxide mix with dish soap and I have none of these items in my house. I don't have hydrogen peroxide I've got dish soap

but I don't have baking powder. I have the other baking thing. Baking soda. We never have the right one. It's always the wrong one. I said don't worry we got that. It's soda. We need powder. And they're like vastly different. Right. So I didn't have that. Unbelievable. So I now have a

task rabbit bringing over the stuff i need because i'm covered in peanut butter and skunk spray and bloody mary mix my wife's upstairs trying to calm the kids down i'm starting to get very high very very high and i realize at this moment this is now this is my weekend now and and i don't know what to do other than i'm sitting in this shower so wait the tasker is just making a solution and bringing it over they're not making it they're bringing it over the tasker is i put in a tasker and the not the tasker of uh door instacart oh i see i see okay and then i get the note items are at the front door and i have to now go and make this concoction like a science experiment to now rub all over my dog but

apparently once you've done all the other things i did wrong cancels out the it doesn't work because you've already screwed the whole thing up you've already probably solidified it into his skin so now we are this is happening on friday night now we are on whatever day this is and um the dog still stinks so is he sleeping outside you can't let him in the house no i that night i tried after multiple shampoos and multiple treatments i said let's go to bed he slept with his face right by my face my wife threw it threw us both out of the bed she goes yeah you guys both have to be in the garage it stinks so now the two of us sleep on a couch downstairs where you belong and yeah and i feel about right and i'm just as a warning to all parties involved if you uh get skunked and you

probably will this summer. You probably will? No, we won't. Do the opposite. You're the only idiot. Do the opposite of everything I just did. Let's sleep in on the couch. Endless nummies. Nicole?

Hey. Hey, we got to take a break. What's up? I'm calling from Cleveland. I miss you guys like crazy. Douche. Douche works so good for Scott. Are you just calling Klein a douche? Correct. That's correct. Absolutely.

You're saying I need to go buy douche now for my dog? He's got an endless supply already there. All right. Well, thank you for that insult.