Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - Secondhand Cindy's Birthday

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. Now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. Grab a buzz ball, lift it high to the sky, and let's toast the birthday gal. She is an absolute, one of our favorites, if not our favorite.

That's why she was my pick in our fantasy, when we did drafted fantasy players from listeners of the show. You better believe when I had the opportunity, I took secondhand Cindy immediately because she is a fascinating person. She's lived many lives, and she shows up at our events, but more importantly, minus all of the DUIs, et cetera, she's a good person. She's a great person. At her core. She is, and she's been a fan of the show since the beginning. Very beginning. Ten years.

It's wild. She's never wavered, and if you ever see her at an event, just sit down with her for five minutes. You'll get fascinating stories. You'll get a wonderful hug. She truly is one of the greats. And we say happy birthday. We found out today is her birthday. Blind Charlie tipped us off.

So please welcome the birthday girl, secondhand Cindy. Second, second, second, second, secondhand Cindy. Secondhand Cindy, I'm sure that medical professionals never thought you would have been here to celebrate. And I know you don't want us to talk about the number, but it is such a funny number that we have to say happy 69th. Yeah, yes. It's a great number. Yeah. And I know that that's one of your favorite positions as well.

You've talked about that many times off the air. Well, yeah, kind of. I have another one that's better, but we'll talk about that later. I wanted to just clarify. No, no, no. No, we will not. What's the better one? What's the other one that's better?

um well uh let's see the floor is yours cindy you can say whatever you want no no she can't say whatever she wants she's got to say well yeah i can't i gotta be careful but we'll just uh call it um how to do with dogs oh right doggy we know doggies yeah yeah we know we know what you're getting at that's secondhand city's favorite of the position now secondhand city uh you uh once again have defied in your many years on this planet 69 is a big number but you have almost died oh i don't know 20 times easily i mean i know we've talked about times you drove your car off cliffs i mean

you've had uh all sorts of things you were shot weren't you small many times right she's like right um i got i just have to clarify something yes i was shot august 17 1974 i was 17 and then I fell off a cliff. I didn't drive off one. Oh, sorry. Okay. Yeah, no big deal. It's called the Clam in San Diego.

So I fell off that. How many feet did you fall? A hundred. A hundred. Uh-huh. And did you break bones? Nothing. Wow.

I know. Yeah. I know. Seven stitches in my hand, that's it. But also, I mean, just the amount of cigarettes you've taken down your throat over the years, I mean, it's enough to kill villages of people and yet here you are 69 strong as an ox here i am i never thought i would make it past 32. we have

the surgeon general on the phone who would like to wish you a happy birthday if you'd like to speak oh no he's hung up he didn't want to he did we booked him but he didn't want to speak well you did a an exam recently cindy right and they said you're got a clean bill of health you're all good yes i'm all good um they uh haven't really uh made taken x-rays or handled my lungs but But I know those are all bad, but that's okay. Cindy, let me ask you a question because the last time we saw you was at that fun buzz ball event we did to kick off the World Cup. And you got nice and, you know, I'd say you got a little lit at the end. You were having fun, yeah.

You were having fun in the parking lot at one point. Oh, yeah, she did. You were taking a picture and you put down your chicken wing to take a picture and then you were standing on your chicken wing. And someone said, hey, Cindy, you're stepping on your chicken, in which case you said, I know. And then you picked it up and ate it. You know what? And I do have to apologize. Yes, I did get buzzed.

I do that rarely where I'm, you know, kind of really buzzed, out of control. But I do want to ask Jake. Jake, when we were driving home and I passed out, my question to you is, was my mouth open? I think, yeah, I think so. We have a video. Oh, gosh. Okay. Oh, no.

Oh, okay. And also. What happens when your mouth's open? Oh, you know. No, we don't. What does that mean? Because Jake, were you, if Jake had made a move, Cindy, would you have been down to a party or no? Yeah, why not?

All right. I thought that was going to be your question while I was sleeping. Did you do anything to me? It was too hard. Why was my mouth open? That's the question. Do you have another question for Jake Or does that sum it up

Oh no that was it You've just been wondering Yeah there's a video we can repost it But it was you passed out while Jake drove you back From that event and you were And she passed out within like 30 seconds Yeah well that was very nice of Jake To give you a ride home and very nice of you

To come to our event at the 7-Eleven And drink all the buzz balls you can get your hands on And we hope you have a great day today What do you have planned Oh well the plan is First of all, I just want to clear something up. I didn't get hit by a bus. I sideswiped a semi, and then a semi hit me.

Got it. Yeah. Okay. Our details are a little off, but, like, they're close enough that you get the picture. So you got hit by a semi. A semi hit her, not a bus. Yeah. Yeah.

A semi broadsided me one time, and then I sideswiped one. That was a DUI. You haven't corrected us on the claim that you tongue-kissed your brother at one point. Yeah, I was going to address that. Did I say tongue? I don't believe we did that. Oh, it's just a ring. We did kiss.

We did kiss. On the mouth? Yes. Then was your mouth open or closed for that? Can't remember. It was quite a while ago. Maybe we did. She's lived a life.

We've got to get you a ghostwriter to sit in a room and you just tell stories. Oh, my God. I would read the Cindy memoir. Publish your memoir. Yeah. Because it's fascinating. And people always love you when you come to an event. And it's always funny to hear people go, is that the secondhand Cindy?

And I go, that's right. And they go, I couldn't tell. But then she was standing out there smoking nine cigarettes at once. And I realized maybe that's her. But it's incredible. And we're so thrilled that you've let us be a part of your life for this last almost 10 years now. And thank you. It's not all been easy for you.

You've lived in and out of your car at times. You've been in and out of relationships. Remember you got that job. You got hired at Taco Bell, then fired before your first day of work. Remember that? Yes, yes. But listen. And then she was going to work as a caretaker, and then the guy she was caring for hit on her.

Oh, that's right. The old man was being all pervy, and he said, I can't go back to that situation. Yeah, he was just weird. I mean, it didn't scare me. It just kind of, like, freaked me out. He just wanted me to, you know, sit on his lap watching TV after I gave him a shower, and he had no clothes on. So it was really weird. I said, I got to go.

I'm making the point on the text line now that really secondhand Cindy is the most interesting woman in the world. I mean, I know we gave Allie the credit of being the cheapest, but if you think about it, the stories she tells, like, yeah. She fell off the clam in San Diego and only needed seven stitches in her hand. Right. You really are the most interesting woman in the world, secondhand Cindy. And thank you for sharing some of your many stories with us and your time and being at all of our events. I know you're going to go see Jake tonight to tell the jokes at the improv, right? Yes, yes.

Charlie is out shaking the sign. After he's done with that, he is going to come to my house. I'm going to make him lunch, a nice cup of hot coffee. We're going to visit a little bit. And then he is going to call his ride to pick us both up and go see Jake at the club. Awesome. What a great day. Cindy, before we say goodbye and wish you all the best on your birthday.

And everyone, please crack a buzz ball in honor of secondhand Cindy. today. We're about to talk about the craziest things that anyone has ever done in a relationship, and I know you've had some crazy exes, etc., but anything that would be on the borderline of the movie obsession that everyone's talking about now that has happened, where either

you've gotten insane or someone you were dating did something crazy? Well, let's see. Let me think. I know I've done some crazy stuff. Really, I'm the crazy one. But basically, this isn't really crazy, but

Allie had been talking about it. I did give my husband a threesome. Oh, good for you. Nice, nice, good for you. I mean, he loved it. How'd you find the other woman? Oh, she was a good friend of mine. She was working at that place in Pahrump,

you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, that town you drive through to get to Vegas? No, yeah. Well, there's a place out there for girls that work. Ah, yeah. Yes, yes. Is she talking about Nordstrom's? No, no.

No, it's, well, you know what it is. It's a prostitute place. They make, you know, they do whatever they do. And this girl that joined us, I had known her for a long time. Did she charge you or was that a freebie? Oh, no, it was a freebie. Oh, how nice. Nice, good for you.

Well, listen, you are unbelievable. I like when Cindy tries to beat around the bush for like one second. I know. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about their horse, paid horse. A whorehouse. It's a whorehouse in Vegas. Oh, okay, I got it.

With doggies. Yeah, with dogs. Doggies. That's what I'm saying. I like playing this word association game with you. We could do it all day. We got to take a break, though, because we got people lined up for the next call. I know.

But happy birthday to the great secondhand Cindy. I'd say let's go 69 more years on this earth, but let's at least agree on six. Let's give six good ones. If I have six, I'll be grateful. We love you, Cindy. National treasure. And listen, I want to tell you guys something. That day, the buzz ball day, that was so special for me.

You guys put that together for me and really, really touched my heart. Yeah, well, when we heard you read out the Surgeon General's warning on the back of the buzz ball, you know we really were tearing up as well it meant a lot to us too oh good oh good thank you so much and thank you for all the birthday wishes and we will talk

soon I have some more stories to tell you guys I think I was just going to call on the goat line and just tell a story we get a story a week and at Jake's thing tonight we're going to put 69 cigarettes into a cake of some sort and you can

blow them out at some point Okay, sounds great. All right. Someone is volunteering now. Listen to this, Allie. I am a legitimate writer from the 818. I volunteer to ghostwrite secondhand Cindy's memoir. Dude, there are people who are so good at that.

They can just take the stories and weave a perfect picture, break it up into chapters. I would do it. Secondhand Cindy. I would love that. All right, if we connect you with one of these listeners that says that they actually know how to write, maybe they jot down some of your stories and we put a book out and then we send you on a big national book tour. Okay, sounds good. Oh, boy, there she goes.

69 years. Good one. Thank you, guys. Happy birthday. Sorry, I know we're late. I know, Vanessa, we're late, but second incidentally, time is delicate.

She gets priority. Priority over the breaks. I'm sure the accident guys will understand when we play their commercial a little late. When we get back, here's the question. Obsession is getting all the attention right now for a woman that has gone absolutely crazy in a relationship.

Not her fault. He made a wish. And I think everyone that didn't see it in theaters is watching it now because it's on Peacock. I watched it too recently. So the question for you is, in real life, what is the craziest thing that has happened in a relationship that you were a part of? We'll come back with your stories after this.

I'm Cary.