Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - SHOVERTIME 9-2!

Episode Date: September 2, 2026

In today's bonus pod we go over some details about the kegger, Jake's date and Vanessa shares something juicy

and like oh don't say that we're recording now oh man that would have been bad i was about to say some shit i was about to say some racist stuff no all right yeah welcome how we do our potion it's our cleansing breath that's how we get grounded uh it's episode number who cares klein alley showbert time podcast and today you just have by popular demand klein and alley us just us just us i don't know if johnny left again oh he did is this about that uh washing machine thing or it's about his gas line again oh man yeah i know are you noticing there's a little bit of a hey i'm out kind of a thing happening with johnny he left early yesterday too he did yeah and then he left early last week all because of the gas line no last week it was

the gas line but i guess the people didn't show up or something which is why he has to leave again today but then yesterday he left because he just wasn't feeling too hot and then said he just doesn't want to get sick for the endless summer barbecue thing or whatever and then i was like i think it was because we were all up late at muse you went to two shows that day muse and uh and almost monday one here at k rock yeah so he's like i just feel like a scratch in my throat i just think i gotta go to nip this in the bud and make sure i don't get sick scratch my throat pretty sure you don't you just don't want to be here because you're tired it's probably all the dicks that have been in his throat left a scratch my mom's been dealing with a scratchy throat her

whole life yeah yeah you think she could take a day off smoking up cigarettes you won't feel it anymore uh we oh damn it jake's here um hey jake what's up i i think uh probably you should trail him i think we may have to send jake do you think you could be a good like if johnny leaves early apparently there's a trend now johnny's leaving early did you notice that we got early for way like leaving early like uh as soon as the show ends he's out it's been three days the last two weeks i just feel like that's kind of a lot it's leaving early it's a lot for not having a wife or kids would you uh would you trail him like would you do you could trail him if he left because he claims this guy it's because it's always claims because it was a washing machine or something

still yeah yeah there's a gas line problem i feel like when you say gas line you're like okay yeah you could you think you could trail him trail him after the show uh no you know what i think trailing people is a lot harder than you think uh i've actually tried to do this before uh my buddy was a like a um like a private security guy i don't realize we're walking into a story here. I'm sorry, guys. I'm going to untrail this story.

And he got hired to trail this woman's husband. I'm going to hop off the trail. She thought she was cheating. Hard to follow. We followed him. We tried to follow him out of the airport.

Lost him. Found him again at this park. And then... Get to where you found him at the end of the story. I said I'm here. Please,

write the end with me. Long story short, we found him fucking some guy in the bathroom of a... Found him fucking some guy? Fucking some guy in the bathroom of a park.

Cool. Yeah, but we lost him for quite a while. This was a bail bond situation? No, he was a private security guy. I got hired to tell this woman's husband to see if he was cheating or whatever. Wow, he was cheating with a man? Yeah. And you worked for him?

No, I'm just his buddy. You were the guy who was fucking in the bathroom? No, I'm the security guy's friend. He's like, you want to come with me and tell this guy it'll be fun? I'm like, oh, sure. Oh, so you did a ride-along? Yeah, he did a ride-along. Yeah, but you know how easy it is now?

you say Johnny can I borrow your phone and then you start sharing your location and then you can follow Johnny wherever he goes great idea

so that's all we have to do alright I don't know where he lives I still think it's funnier if Jake wears a costume and follows him

but okay and then loses him and finds him fucking someone in the bathroom you don't believe it but Johnny gay windows

in the bathroom fucking someone in the bathroom he's fucking the same guy from years ago and Jake's some weird pervert

who's just watching guys fuck in the bathroom Can you stop it? I just want to fuck guys in the bathroom, Jake. Leave me alone. I don't know, but he didn't really say anything. Do we know his address? He lives in Burbank.

I just go by his house. Right, yeah, you could do that, but I think it's more interesting to find out what he's up to, like what he's really up to. Well, wouldn't that just be if he's at his house and he went home and he's at his house? You know, Katie checks my location daily almost. She has access to your location?

Yeah. For what reason? It's just a share all the time situation. Like, if she's, for example, going to run an errand or pick someone up, or when she was coming home from the airport the other day, I don't have to be like, what's your ETA? I can just look and be like, oh, she's on her way. She's like 20 minutes away.

I shared my location for the first time in, I don't even know how long, with that girl last night. Because I got stuck on the 405 for like fucking ever. Oh. And I wanted to let her know that I'm actually on my way. On my way. Oh, you didn't want her to think you were bullshitting? Yeah.

So I shared the location. So now she has your location or are you unshared? I thought when I end it, it's done, right? No, no. I mean, if you give full access to share location. I thought that was just in my Maps app. Well, I'm like, share your ETA. Share your ETA is a little different.

Okay, that's what I did. If you did, like, Allie's wife has full access. Yeah, like, it'll say her name, and then underneath it, it says where she is. I mean, I guess the argument would be it's for safety reasons, and you can always track each other down. and then there's the other argument which is if you're not up to anything shady then why would you care if you shared your location but sometimes and as you know I will often times

tell my wife I'm almost home when we're still here doing the podcast and she shared your location she would be she'll say but it says here you're on Wilshire Boulevard I'm surprised she's never asked for you to share your location I think now I think we are joint sharing now I think somehow it's

been set up because it says I have access to her now yeah because she got Katie got all like out of whack because for some reason and her phone reset, and she wasn't sharing with the same people. So she went through and redid it, because she does it with her friend. There's three or four people that she's always sharing her location with. That's crazy. There's so many people.

Yeah, and then yesterday she texted me and said, how are you still at work right now? Because she was just checking. Because she knew that I was still at work. Such a weird way a woman's brain would work, to be like, I want to see where my wife is now. Well, work. Yeah.

I know. I'm like, how often are you checking this? I'm not ever thinking of checking where you're at. Well, anyway, we're going to track Johnny, and we'll figure out if he's telling the truth or if he's high-telling it out of here. I'm kind of bummed out. I'm excited for this. I know some of you listening to this are probably going to be at the event tomorrow, and I know others are trying to get in. I really thought we would be able to accommodate all requests, and it's not that there's that many people that want to go.

I know the band. There's a lot of people that want to go. No, I mean, people do want to go, but I'm saying it's not like one of these teams are like, oh, I'm sorry, we're so popular, we can't accommodate everyone. That's not the case. we wanted to pick a venue that was big enough to literally let everyone in that could go but because of, I don't know, the zoning or something, I thought it could just be a show up

and you're in situation but they needed to make sure that you're on a list per the rules of the place and then the band has a certain amount of their fans, like specific diehard, slightly stupid fans are going to be there as well. We still have a lot of tickets to give away and we'll be doing that on the air

but I was bummed out because yesterday we were talking about all the things that are going to happen at this and it's great and it's fun uh some of the stuff that we want to do jake is going to be in the dunk tank vanessa said she'll get dunked as well some of the uh the food stuff we figured out and then there's the we're trying to figure out how to do the cake stands that was a big problem because there's been a lot of talk about doing cake stands and we didn't realize because i thought this was like going to be a backyard tank drunk tank okay well i thought the kegger was going to be like like it used to be like a bunch of people would have a bunch of

kegs in those little big red those big red things surrounded by bags of ice. You would think that there would be accessible kegs for a kegger. And then they're saying that the kegs are going to be behind the bar. They're like this is actually a real hotel. They're like Hyatt is a legitimate hotel chain and they're going to have their kegs Well we know that they're a hotel chain. I know that. I just

thought there'd be additional kegs that we would have access to to do keg stands on. Or like a keg. I thought that the guy from Enneagram was going to be able to bring his own kegs. Yeah. There were Of course he can't. Apparently there's a problem with that. Yeah well because I think the, without getting too boring here, I think the whole idea is the hotel is being

very accommodating of what we're doing, but they also want to be able to- They just want to make a little money on beer sales. Make some money as well. So they're like, yeah, you guys can have our venue and do the show and bring all your listeners, but we need to, and also I think there's rules about liquor laws and how- How strangers can't do catch-up. It's always a lawyer issue because the reality is if someone were to get absolutely hammered and smash their head open because they were doing keg stands and there was no, they didn't,

you know, then they get shut down. It always comes back to that. We can have alcohol in our hotel room. Can we bring our own keg into the hotel room? I'm sure there are rules about, I mean, I know that a lot of hotels, people do bring their own beers into the hotel rooms because they don't want to pay for the hotel price beer. So at least we can get a video of us doing a keg stand and then post it the next day.

Well, we may have to tell. We have to get a keg in. We have to tell him that we need a keg in the room because we are talking, they did ask us, this is crazy, this has never happened before, Allie. I don't think in our entire I don't think this has ever happened in our entire time in the history of any radio show. The weirdest question we've ever been asked.

They said, what foods and snacks would you guys like? What are your requests? What are your requests? And I was like For the hotel room. I was like, what? I was like, I don't even know how to answer that. We were all dumbfounded. We came up with nothing. Johnny came up with popcorn. That's all he could say. And poppy soda. Popcorn and poppy soda.

He just said pop words. Popcorn, poppy soda. This is the same as his brain activity. Yeah. Pop, pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop, pop. He's just hearing pops in his brain. Pop, pop, pop, pop. But the idea of like, I don't know, water?

Yeah, we had nothing to say. But now I think about it, we should get a keg. Jake's right. We should get a keg in the room. Jake, can you deliver that message to- I'll text the guy. Yeah, we need a keg, a full-sizer. Full-sizer?

I think so. I mean, we're not going to finish it all. I mean, if you're going to do a keg stand, you need it wider so you can put your arms out on a keg. You can't have like a little tiny one. Your arms would be too close together. It'd be like a T-Rex keg, like a little tiny arms keg. And then we can figure that out because I think that people are excited about seeing Vanessa do it.

I know I was excited about seeing Vanessa do a keg stand. And I haven't done a keg stand in a while. It's not really a great way to – I mean there's a lot of ways that are fun ways to drink but not great ways to drink. I mean I don't like drinking fucking beer out of dirty ping pong ball cups either, but beer pong is fun. I think we have that. Don't we have that set up there too? I was always so good at beer pong. I was good at beer pong and flip cup.

Did they mention that? We have beer pong tomorrow, right? Or no? Yeah, I think we have beer pong. Oh, good. All right, great. So we got some stuff planned. We gave like a wish list of a lot of things

and then, I don't know, they came back and they said we can do some of them, so. But no radio event is complete without the staple that has been at every radio event ever since I started doing radio. And we didn't ask for this, by the way. This is the one that we didn't ask for. No one ever asks for it.

No one's asked for it. But it's always there. It's Giant Jenga. Giant Jenga. Now that I've said this, you will notice it. Anytime you see a radio station tent, you will see a giant Jenga. By the way, giant Jenga's moved

past just the world of radio. That's become like a thing now for whenever someone wants to be like, I enjoyed us for parking lot games. It's always like, here comes the giant Jenga. Which is not even giant enough, in my opinion. It's not that giant.

You need to be able to get crushed by it. Right. They should do it with cinder blocks. Cinder blocks and you have to wear a hard hat. Yeah, like if you lose, you break a foot. You need a pickaxe to pick your thing that you're going to push out. It's like a fucking earthquake recovery fucking. Yeah, you have to have like actual permit, building permits to play.

Yeah, that would be cool, but it's truly giant. Because who wants to really set up? And then once it's knocked down, no one wants to fucking set up Jenga again. Everyone just walks away. Yeah, you go, all right, walk away. I mean, sometimes I do watch people that are good at it. There are some people that are actually good at Jenga, good at giant Jenga. I don't know how they are at regular size.

and they'll run the table. I know, I come home and play Giants. They suck. These are too small on my fingers. But I'll watch them run the table. They'll be like, all right, who wants next? Who wants next? Like it's a pool table?

Yeah, they'll just keep going, dude. That's so funny. Want to put some money on it? That's someone's thing. You could, listen, if you were to actually gamble on that and go it's 20 bucks a brick or whatever, it could be fun. I've put money on Connect 4 before.

You have? Numerous times, yeah. What are the stakes on that? Depends. It could be like I bet you a beer or I could bet you money. On one game of Connect Four? Yeah. I got involved in some pretty high stakes table shuffleboard.

Oh, shuffleboard can be fun. The table one where you slide. With a little salt. Yeah, you got to put the salt on it and it glides. It's pretty intense when you are starting to... Yeah, salt. Oh, that's just salt on there? Yeah.

I mean, I was shaking something on the table to make the thing slide. Oh, yeah. My kid has licked it off the table. I didn't know what the stakes were. It was me and another guy versus two other guys. And this was at that bougie place I was at in Idaho. And I didn't know. They had been playing the night before.

And they had set the stakes. And the games were to 11. And they were saying, we're going to play 11. To 11 points? They kept saying 11. But also, the games were for $1,100. Oh, shit. So they were playing.

But it was basically. What, the difference? It was 11. If you skunked the other person, it was double, so it was actually $2,200 if you beat him 11-0. And I didn't know this until I was in, and then the guy said to me after the first game, he was like, all right, nice, we're up $200. And I was like, $200? I thought we were playing for, I don't know, $20 or whatever.

He's like, these are $1,100 games. We said 11. I was like, 11 was the point. He's like, yeah, that's right. So then I was up, then I was down, and then luckily, luckily, I ended up losing. When he said we're up $200, does that mean we're up $200? $200,000. That means $200,000.

We were up $200. I would not be able to perform if I knew that that was the amount. But it's funny. Once I realized what the amount was, all of a sudden, I went from being good at it to being very bad at it. Yeah. I was like, oh, man. He's like, what's going on?

I'm like, I don't know, dude. Now I'm freaking out. Yeah. I didn't realize I could lose $2,200. He's like, well, we'll split it. But it's a little fucking putt. Yeah, because a little puck and gravity. And then all of a sudden, there's like hangers are worth double or triple if they hang half

on and off and all these other things. So you lost? At the end of it all, I ended up losing, but I only ended up losing, I think it was down, well, we split. We were down, I think, three total, so I lost 150, but I left town before. Oh, 300, not 300,000. Yeah, but then I- I skipped town, so I didn't have to pay.

But I left town, so I didn't have to pay. Oh, my God. Not my problem, but someone else's. See, you know, people with a lot of money, they just get bored. That's the thing. These guys, I don't think, I think one of the guys playing didn't give a shit, because he- Is so rich.

Is one of these guys that owns property. and then it was me and the guy I was partnered with didn't seem to want to lose either. Were these friends or were these random people? All random. I didn't know any of these people.

Wow. So you're just playing shuffleboard with random... It was someone's boyfriend, someone's husband and then like a neighbor that just happened to be like, you guys playing shuffleboard?

It was like a fucking ringer and I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah, do you think they planned that shit out? Probably. When there's money like that involved, you could be a,

you know, I forget what they call that. I will say the guy that was the best guy didn't look that good before we started playing for money and then all of a sudden

he's like hey you want to throw some money on this and the guy's like yeah let's do it like yesterday and then all of a sudden I'm like this guy

got really good all of a sudden fucking hustle locked in Vanessa's in the room now hi Vanessa hey guys how was the meeting

good nothing to announce to the audience just a lot of housekeeping stuff are you saying that because you're a Latina no

it's just stuff that wouldn't be exciting to the audience listening nothing's exciting you hear what we're talking about when you walked in here

Yeah, something about money. Which idea did you like better for the blood drive? Which name idea? You don't have to say which one out loud, but did you like our idea or the other idea? I actually like the other. Yeah, I knew Vanessa wouldn't like our idea. Because it's a play on a stereotype.

Is it about AIDS? It's not a stereotype. Yeah, it's the no AIDS blood drive. That's actually a good name. If you do the one that you want, then it's excluding 50% of that population. It's not excluding. Anyone can do it.

No, you can't. Not anyone can. Do you think that that's how they're giving the blood? No, I don't. We didn't get as much this year as last year. And FYI, they're printing like 500 t-shirts. Oh, they are for that? For this, yeah.

Oh, man. So we want the shirt to get worn. Most people aren't going to listen to this, so we'll talk about it. It doesn't matter. But we're doing this blood drive like we always do. We save a lot of lives. It's a good thing we do every once in a while. and I think last year

Allie and I decided we had a conversation we said next year we should call the blood drive it's that time of the month blood drive and the powers that be

didn't like that and they wanted to call it the slogger fest or sloggers no the slogger slaughter yeah and let me tell you it was Trevor

who came up with this and we like Trevor yeah I like Trevor I like Trevor and I like Trevor's ideas so is that the name I think we can decide it can be neither of those

I think we call it the no age blood drive You know what's crazy, though? It's been years past, and they're like, okay, there's a new movie coming out. Now we have to incorporate the blood drive and K-Rock. There is a movie, but it's not happening that day. It's like a thing that you can go to the next day.

They want us to incorporate three different sponsors. It's like impossible. You've got to do a blood drive. You have to incorporate your show, K-Rock, this new sequel they're doing. Yeah, I'm like, okay, just chat to people. You don't have to include the movie. That movie, do you want to know the movie?

Sure. Hocus Pocus. Yay! Oh, that's even better. Hocus Pocus. Oh, that's good, too. As long as you don't have AIDS. Hocus Pocus, as long as you don't have AIDS.

I thought we wanted to incorporate our names. It's that time of the month. Blood drive. Put it all on a shirt. Put it all there. Front and back. Yeah, put all of the name ideas on one shirt. Yeah, like a tour.

It's a banner festival. People can just circle the idea they like best, and that's their shirt. Yeah, that'd be so cool. I don't want to decide anymore. It's too much decision fatigue. We've got to decide enough things every day. What are we going to have for lunch, dinner, blah, blah, blah. That's enough for it.

I'm spent. I do get hung up when it's like, let's come up with a name for this. I'm like, oh, someone else do it. And if you remember when they flew that plane over Oasis. Oh, my God. I just had to bring that up. That stuff makes me so irate. I mean, we had the amount of meetings, emails, text chains, message boards, Zooms.

And effort. Just like coming up with stuff. Cool shit. And that was tough, too, because that was like you have exactly 11 characters to write a fun message to go over Oasis. It's too much. It's too much pressure. And we said, we will do it, but you're probably just going to end up doing a stupid Coldplay kiss cam joke. And our idea was something about the brothers fighting or something, right?

We wanted to fly a banner one night that said- It was a fight that the mom- Mom loves you more. I love Liam more. I love Liam more, love mom. And then the next day, I love Noel Moore, love that, or whatever. There's a lot of different ideas. We had a lot of ideas.

And then when it was like something about Bucket Hat, is that what happened? The one that they went with? Yeah, Nice Bucket Hat. No, it was Don't Worry, You're Safe Here. The Kiss Cam joke. It was a Kiss Cam thing about the Colt. Only about six months after people cared about that. But whatever.

Yeah. But, you know, apparently Oasis reposted it. Yeah, it was a big win. So, like, it did, yeah. We were wrong again. Yeah, but we were, you know, we don't, I guess that's the general public is people who like that kind of stuff, you know. We're just usually not the general public.

Yeah, we don't do a show for the general public. No. We do a show for cool people, like the people listening to this right now. Yeah, who don't have AIDS. Yeah. Yeah. They like that AIDS joke. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You can have AIDS. You should listen. So anyway, that's coming up. We have that blood test. So we need your blood if you don't have AIDS in the near future. I can't give blood.

Yeah, you can. I feel like this is the year I'm going to do it. Now you're pregnant? You need all your blood. Do you get blood this year? I think so. Oh, you know why? You should.

I know why. You're in for it, for the cookies. Right? You can't get enough of those cookies. Yeah, get some of that cookies. I'm going to pull that clip. No, you can't pull clips from Showvertime. Yeah, that's right.

We do have a rule. No clips being pulled from Showvertime. I did pull fish. Oh, you do have fish? But I didn't say it like that. I said fish? No, you said it in a great way. There was a lot of different times.

It's kind of right in the middle. It was a five-star war. I said I can't believe. It was like, I cannot believe. So anyway, that's the big thing this week. And then next week. Oh, next week is that. Oh, yeah, we can't announce that yet.

Yeah, that'll be cool. Oh, I don't even know. Did you get that from my charades? I know what she's doing. Oh, yes, I did. We have another chance to get together with people. Yeah, very soon after that. If you're not able to get into the thing at the beach, don't worry,

because we have something else to look forward to. And this is all access. All access, that's right. No tickets needed. I was going to ask Allie, because she's now officially in the second trimester of her pregnancy. Does that mean you can't get an abortion now? But not showing.

You know what? I think I still could. I think you can up to 20 weeks. Maybe that's wrong. I'm going to tell you, because I went through this recently. You still can. But there's different methods that are used at this. I think Allie would have to go with the vacuum at this point,

which is not officially what it's called. is that when you hit her over the head with one that's right that's right i know they just rip it out yeah no that's not true no i know because there was a case there was a big case that everyone was talking about where this couple they they did like the um screening that you get in your second trimester and they found out that something was wrong with the baby like there was a down syndrome or something and they decided to terminate they decided to say we're gonna have an abortion and everyone was like wow you're so far along that's crazy that you would make that decision you know not have the baby at that point but you could technically still do that at that

when you're that far along but what was the question did you find out um that you're you're not in that boat did you find out no down yeah no at least for now up syndrome no down for now we may have it based on that that's interesting that you uh you would test now i would think that's something you can test before it was even implanted yeah well i did because the embryos were all genetic tested so a lot of these tests are kind of repetitive because i did a lot of that stuff but these are more uh these are like basically double checking so the other one that happens when when they also determine the sex they do like a genetic test for all the big ones all the big genetic disorders so i was all good there and then i did another ultrasound where

they basically look at the spinal fluid in the neck and if there's too much spinal fluid that can be an indicator of down syndrome or some other problem so that was all normal as well And then now the next one, I guess because of an IVF pregnancy, you have to do some kind of a special extra thing where they do an even more in-depth look at the organs and all that shit. And so I have to do that, I think, in a couple of weeks. And how do they do that? It's not like an x-ray, right? It's a really small doctor. No, it's like a crazy good sonogram.

It's insane how they were able to see. They were like, and this is the kidney, and this is the liver. And I'm like, this thing is like this big. and they're able to see lungs, liver. This is the, you know, heart. You can see the heart beating. Have you seen the genitals yet? Yeah.

You have? You've looked at the genitals? Yeah, they confirmed. But you looked at it. You could tell. You can see on the, yeah, because the last sonogram I did, the more in-depth one,

you can see super close up. Like in a general one, when I'm just going to the regular doctor, you can't see that shit. But when they did the super in-depth one with a really good machine, you can see. I know we're going to do the big gender reveal

at the beach, at the kegger, but are you nervous once it is, it feels a lot more real once it's no longer an it? Well, why can we name it? She already knows since the beginning. For you, it will be Mario. Do you have a name picked out? Kind of, I don't know, not really.

It's like something that we've talked about in passing, but every single time we talk to any parent, like my mom, Katie's mom. They all hate it. No, they just ask about a name every time. Any more name ideas? They're obsessed with names. Would you like to name the baby after me, regardless of-

Like just Klein? Yeah, just because I think that would be a fitting tribute for the role I've played in all of this. If you would agree to take my cats. No. No deal. No deal. What about naming after me?

Just smelly. Only last names. Dill. Dill. Dill. Hey, you know what? This is a slightly off topic. Hey, did you name Wesley after Princess Bride?

it was it was basically we were we were in the hospital we had 48 hours to come up with a new name because we realized dominic he was not didn't look like a dominic and so we were back to square one and then we thought someone said wesley and then i thought well the guy wesley from lumineers someone said wesley yeah one of us like i can't remember which one passerby or it's like one of us said wesley and then i thought well the guy Wesley from Lumineers is cool and doesn't seem like a dick and then there's Wesley

from Princess Bride which is he was cool and so you start thinking of like what Wesley's you know and is it a cool is it a name of like a guy who's a cool guy.

I watched this last week and then thought maybe that's yeah I mean it's weird but I think that has a T in it. You have to eliminate the factors though

because you go alright we gotta eliminate any name that any of us have ever dated right like those get all off the table then you go gotta eliminate anyone

than any of our relatives you know. Why you gotta eliminate that? Usually you're named after that. That's what I'm named after. Well, if it's a tribute, yes, but then sometimes you run the risk of this relative will be pissed if I did this, but also if you've got siblings that have kids, can't name your kid the same.

A lot of names are off the table. Right. And then you start eliminating- There's some names my cousin's kids have that I like, but I can't use any of those because they're already being used, even though I don't see that family much. It's still weird if I'm like- Then you want to make up a name. Or somebody's dog.

like I can't name my kid after somebody I know is dog fucking Jerry but a friend that we have had a dog well still has a dog

named Wesley and I knew that going in that my one of my best friends has a dog named Wesley and I was like well that's okay

I think we're getting a dog another dog yay oh really yeah just to try to one up Allie is that the I'm gonna find out the name and steal it from the dog

you're gonna do a gender reveal of the dog yeah I'm gonna do a gender reveal it was so fucking funny and I'm gonna find out the name Allie's got planned to name my dog that so she can't have it

what kind of dog another I'll tell you after you I'll tell you after I get the name after your gender reveal now is this that Amish thing

no no no our we have a friend who fosters dogs and she's got like three she started with two she's like Allie with the cats

she now has four dogs total two that she kept she had a dog a rescue fostered a second dog

decided to keep it couldn't find it now she's fostering two other dogs and my kids went over to play at the house and they were like and the mom was like

through my kids how fucked up is that was like convincing them they're holding it the whole time oh you know these dogs are availed

they need a home oh wow what kind of dog is it what a dick I don't even know those are the best like with no yeah I don't know

it's fluffy and little right now but I think it's fully oh is it a puppy no I think it's fully grown I think it's over a year. So smaller than Jerry, but bigger than Chloe? No, probably about Chloe's size, to be honest.

But not that type of dog. I don't think it's got any oodle in it. I don't think. I don't know. There's a whole... Sheddy dog? Terrier dog? Is it sheddy?

Will it shed? I think there was hairs. I met it. I held it, and it got hairs on me, so I guess that sheds. Because Jerry doesn't. Jerry does not shed, but he sheds a lot. No sheds, but lots of sheds. My wife is so jealous of his shits, because she can never shit, and she's so mad every

time he shits. She's like, God, it must be so great. That's so funny. And they can shit on command. Like, I'll hold it in, and then when we go for a walk, I'm shitting. Yeah. Oh, it's unbelievable. Pretty great.

Sometimes I'll even tell them, like, Jerry, go take a shit. They'll be like, look at me, and spin around in a circle and shit. I'm like, that's fucking awesome. What a trick. All right, here's a treat. What a trick. And then he gets a treat. Jake can do that trick.

What a life. I mean, what a life that is. Sometimes you don't have to say it. Dogs and kids. Fucking stand there with peanut M&M's on the ready. Yeah, rewards. Imagine, Jake, if you got a treat every time you shit. Oh my God, you'd be 900 pounds.

My kid shits at the worst times now, though. We were in the shower and he was like, I have to poop. I was like, God damn it. We have to get out of the shower. I fucking had to poop at Bill's house last night for the first time. Or as soon as we sit down to dinner. I'm like, fuck. Because after I eat sometimes, I'll have to use the restroom.

I tried to hold it for so long. What happened? It was fine. You didn't shit at her place? No, I did. I had to, yeah. You shit at her place? Yeah, for the first time.

Did you tell her that you have a thing? I think you need to tell her. I haven't told her that yet, no. No, you have to. It's a big thing in your life. Wait a minute. On the air, you told us all the boring parts of the day? You didn't tell us the fact that you had to shit?

Yeah, I had to shit at her house for the first time. Was there, like, you know, matches or anything to, like, cover the smell? No, there wasn't. You don't walk around with a Poo-Pourri spray? Al used to carry that Poo-Pourri stuff. A Poo-Pourri's great. But then now the secret's out, so it smells like Poo-Pourri and you know someone should. Yeah, but I'd rather it smell like poopery and be like, that person definitely covered it nicely than the opposite.

Wait, so you didn't have anything to cover with? No. And likely, I mean, not to my sniff test, it wasn't too bad. What did you tell her you were doing in there? No, I was quick. I was quick enough that I hopefully she didn't fucking know. Wow. And she was busy doing other shit, like putting stuff away or whatever.

What did you say? I'm going to use the bathroom? Yeah. I don't even think I said anything. I just used the bathroom really quick. That's crazy. That's so soon. You're shitting at her place?

Have you heard from her since? Well, he has the thing. God, I haven't. You know what? I haven't. I haven't heard from her since. But have you? I mean, well, I mean, we boned after that, so I think we're still good.

Oh, she boned right after that? No, not right after. So you shat after dinner and then you had sex? No, we had dinner and then we had sex. This is what I'm talking about. And then you shat. And then I shat. And then we had sex again.

Oh, okay. So she probably thought you were just cleaning yourself up after the first sex. Could be. And she's occupied, so she's not going to smell. It's not like she's going in there right after. And it wasn't, like, terrible. It's not like you shit and then left the apartment and then she's... I think you need to tell her you have a...

Yeah, you got to tell her you have a shit problem and it's going to come up. That's a crazy thing to have to break to someone. But by the way... Are you wondering why I keep using the bathroom before we go to a concert? It's because I have a shit problem. So she has no idea that you have a shit condition? I don't think so. Wow!

So when you tell her, please record it. That's a serious talk. That's more serious... She didn't know a lot of things. She didn't know I did stand-up. She didn't know I was a cartoonist. You do stand-up? Occasionally.

Did you know that, Allie? Yeah. No. She didn't know. I thought you were just a shitter. Yeah. I'm mainly a shitter. You're a professional shitter, but you're really not.

I'm mainly a shitter. I do stand-up occasionally. These are all major blows, by the way. Oh. They're all terrible. I mean, I'm a cartoonist, and I'm a stand-up comedian. I need to sit down and tell you some things about me. I was supposed to win a Pulitzer, you guys.

You just hear her pussy dry up so much. it's for the latest season of Hacks the younger woman she ends up dating this guy who's a sex worker and she's like

so attracted to the fact that he's his sex and she's like I just think it's so great you're so sex positive and he's like well what I really want to do is be a magician

and she's like and she like can't get over it and he's like trying to show her his tricks in bed and she's like fucking leaves him

because she's like I can't deal with it well actually I think turned her on was because she made fish but I was talking about like her favorite kinds

of fish whatever and like halibut I started talking about how I've gone to Alaska numerous times to catch salmon and halibut and I found a photo of me and my dad

catching like four, you know, 100 pound plus halibuts. I showed the photo and she's like, you caught all these? I'm like, yeah. And she was like,

I don't know. That's manly stuff. Yeah, I think she was kind of like turned on by it. Now's the time to draw out the shit problem. Hook, line, and stinker. You see how big this fish is?

I'm taking a shit even bigger than that fish. I would do it every day. Yeah. Every day. A lot of times. What if you left a cute little note? What if there's a creative way

to break it to her? Maybe I'd draw it. You should definitely use your cartoon skills and draw her you. You can bring her on stage at the event tomorrow and we can tell her then. Tell her then. Hey, I just got to tell you something.

We've been together. You get on one knee. I have a shitting problem. I'm going to get it. It was funny because she was like, oh, I'm nervous that you do stand-up. What if I don't think you're funny? I'm like, you want to be the first one?

Yeah. That's a different post-it note. That's tough, too, man. You're really hitting her with a fucking... What is she like? What are some of her flags? I don't know, really. Who does she look like?

What celebrity does she look like? What celebrity does she look like? We know what she looks like. We do? I don't know. He sent us a picture of her. Oh, that was the early picture he sent, the tool girl. I got a newer picture from his last weekend, too. This time, like, you don't know.

Do you ask her questions? Because you know what the Think Boys do now? They don't ask questions. I know. I heard that. I heard about that. They really don't. They don't ask one question.

They don't listen. That's why we learned. I listen. Well, we asked you about her. You couldn't say nothing. What do you mean? Do you ask her questions? I'm serious.

Let me see. She is very beautiful. That's my next advice here. Ask her questions. Your phone's dark. Your phone's dark. I don't see it. Which one is she?

She's in the left? Mm-hmm. Hold on. This left or this left? This left. The Asian one. Obviously, I was kidding. Wow, Jake.

Yeah, she's pretty. Man, oh man. Who does she look like? Tia Carrera. Wayne's World Tia Carrera. Oh, wow. Interesting. Yeah, I could kind of see that a little bit.

Because it's like she's got that almost Hawaiian-y vibe. You picking that up, Allie? Is that just a generalization? I don't want to say anything. man I wonder how do you break that to someone that's tough

that is tough and what have you said in the past like FYI I poop a lot well I don't think it's like sharing an STD like she'll figure it out

eventually and it's not a big deal it's not as bad as it used to be like when I was real sick yeah but you do need it's not enough you could hide it

for a year yeah how long do you think you get before you can hide it for that long I bet No, what if he spends a weekend with her and he has to poop like seven times? You should say you have a masturbation problem.

But if I spend a weekend with her, it's usually just something like doing like chill shit. And if I'm just in a chill environment, then I'm chill. But once I start having to go out and stuff, then that's when I get anxious. Which is funny because you go out all the time. I know, and I fucking shit a lot before I go out. But not when you're out, just before you go out. Oh yeah, before I go out, get emptied out, yeah. And you go out almost every night.

Well, yeah, to shows, for some reason, it happens, yeah. Well, it's because you have social anxiety around a big crowd of people. Yeah. But, you know, Allie's right. You would think just with enough of that, what do they call that, exposure therapy? Right, that you would get better at that. You'd get better at that. I'm getting better at emptying out.

You know, I had a phase years ago where I would get, I had a similar, I didn't shit like you do as much as you do, but, like, I went to a therapist, right, and the guy, their advice was so stupid. They told me to go to a revolving restaurant What the fuck is that That's what I said Where am I even going to find one They go it's a great way to get over Because you're fully on display The restaurant's spin

There's some of these restaurants The only thing I even know that does that Is a space needle I think every city has one somewhere The sushi goes around That's a conveyor belt sushi Just sitting on the belt I'm securing my shooting problem.

Don't pick me up. You can't get on this poster. You're too big. I'm not available. Don't pick up my plate. The boat is sinking. That's what the advice was, to go to a rotating restaurant, and then somehow that was going to cure feeling.

I was like, this person can't be qualified at all. Did you do it? No, I didn't even know where to find it. I've been to one before. I think in Toronto, I've been to a rotating restaurant before. Does it make you feel nauseous? I think it's... It doesn't rotate fast.

It rotates very slowly. One thing an hour. And the idea is that you constantly have a different view, except for the person you're meeting with. Then why wouldn't you just go on a boat? Because I think this makes you feel like you're very much on... I don't know what the stupid theory behind it was. And this would make you not shit?

This was going to make you deal with your fear of social anxiety. Oh, just social anxiety in general? Yeah, the guy's a fucking moron. So then what happened? You still have social anxiety? No, I said, I can't go back to this person. They gave the worst advice ever. No, I don't have it anymore.

But I don't like going out. How did you get rid of it then? I don't think I ever had it bad like Jake did. I just was, if given the choice of going out or staying in, but I still would pick staying in. I don't really like going out. Yeah, you're not a going out guy. Unless there's a thing I'm really excited to go to.

You like going to little dinners and things. You like going out and doing little things. I like the Magic Castle. Oh, I love the Magic Castle. I like, there's certain places I like going to. of, I'm trying to think of anything else. I actually just reached out to one of the magicians from the Magic Castle

to see if they wanted to walk around our thing tomorrow and do some close-up magic. I like magic. He said his rates were $100. Oh my God. For what, an hour? No, for the whole thing. That's it?

Yeah. Let's do it. That sounds great. He's like, I don't know, I'm going to have to charge you $100. I was like, for everything? He's like, okay. Sometimes when she's tough, she's a magician.

She's great. It's okay. He can make more of them. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah. Can you just turn a dollar to $100 and pay yourself?

Isn't that how it works? Do you remember that joke? There's some comedian that has that joke. Here's a dollar. Pay yourself. There's some comedian that has that joke. Like, that's how I know magic wasn't real is when a magician turned $1 to $100. I'm like, oh, because why wouldn't you just be doing this at your fucking house?

Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, this has been fun. We've chatted now for the last, wow, 40 minutes. 40 minutes?

Good job, guys. Just flew right by. What? Damn, I was going to share something. What? What are you going to share? No, we're way past time. No, no, we're not.

We've got nothing but time. I'm okay sharing this because I don't think I care that hard. But it did make my heart skip a little. Okay. The only person I really liked, like for reals, the fucking chef, texted me today. What? Yeah, you guys. The fuck, chef?

She's going to get back in the oven. This is the back of the car, chef? No, that just happens to be the second chef that I dated. But the first chef that I really like. You guys know. No, I don't. What did he say? He said.

He said he was dating somebody, right? Yeah. But you didn't know about it. Do you think he still has a girlfriend? Yeah. What did the text say? He said, LOL, saw the Eiffel Tower with your doll. And got jealous.

And then I said, ha, I'm glad you found that amusing. He's like, I was laughing. It was very funny. And then I said, of course you found that funny. And then he did like a sigh smile. And I was like, okay. I said, I'm over here fighting for my life. I love you.

No, I said, I'm over here fighting for my life. I'm defending myself. And he said, smiley, like a lot of laughing emojis. you poor thing don't let them pick on you and then I said there's no mercy here

yeah there is no mercy here that is true wish we had some mercy yeah no mercy and then he said you gotta get back at them okay and then I said

okay I will get back at them and then he said hope you've been doing well you look beautiful you look beautiful are you kidding me what's wrong with that

is that going to be your response thank you no I said no I said are you kidding me because I said why are you flirting

what is this and then I said thank you He's still dating someone, and he said, you look beautiful. Well, I guess he didn't see me. I can't trust him. Is he talking about the doll or you? Yeah.

The doll or me. He's looking at the big tits on that doll. Anyways, that was a big text for me. For what? What was the test? To not respond? No, the big text. What I'm saying is like, whoa, I haven't heard from you.

How long has it been since you've heard from him? Well, I didn't share this thing. Like, I ran into him at a restaurant. Oh, you followed him again. The restaurant he was working at? I didn't. I stumbled upon him at a restaurant. I was getting to-go food.

He was there doing what? He was with his, he has kids. He has two daughters. Wow. You're going to get with a guy who has kids? Dude, trust me. This is like so, but his whole, He's exactly what you like, right?

Tatted up. Mine is the kids. Right, right. And the wife. But he was, and the girlfriend that he had. Right. But he was with his little kid, and then she's like, oh, I was like,

I ordered that too. I said, hi. I said, hello. I said, hello. Oh, my God. Hi, how are you? He said, hi. Small talk, small talk.

And then his daughter's like, who is this dad? And I'm like, I'm his friend. Oh. I'm just his friend. You said it like that in that voice? No, I said, I'm his friend. I'm his friend. It's because he's Colombian, but he was racy.

I was like, I'm Colombian, he's Colombian, so we're friends. That's why we're friends. It sounds like you got real defensive about that. I know. I don't know. Just friends. That's all we are. We're just friends.

I'm like, I don't know, dude. how many girls does your dad bring around I've never seen your dad's penis we're friends it was his little anyways yeah

so Vanessa sounds like he's cracking that what's that called there's a term for that I don't know but I definitely don't engage

don't engage right no but you already showed engage yeah but now the text is over and he reached out to her about

a sexual post the Eiffel Tower like how rude and then he said and then he tried to throw us under the bus alley and said we're picking

well obviously if he's dating somebody and sleeping with her he's a fucking asshole well I don't know if he is still but yes but he didn't tell you

yeah that that was happening yeah I can I'm saying right now I can never do that it's because of stress alone I know because now I'd just be like

I'd be like do you have a girlfriend still I don't know how people keep that shit up my friend was dating a guy for four years and he had another girlfriend the whole time

and she had no idea fucking turn you gray so fat it's exhausting it's exhausting literally no thank you but

anyways that was a big text not about hurting people's feelings just the stress I feel bad for the person. What was the last thing you said? Well, he just said, hope you've been doing well. You look beautiful.

And I said, thank you. No, you're skipping stuff. You're skipping stuff. I'm not. And then you said. And then I said, you too. I said, like, hope you're doing well. Did you say, thank you, winky face?

No, no. It was not a winky face. What is that? Thank you, smile. Smile face. And then I said. He said, you look beautiful. And you said, you too?

And then I said, I have to go back to your restaurant to see what's new. Oh, man. He's got to show you what's new. That's true. I really like his restaurant. It's such a cool, hip-ass restaurant. I haven't been, and I want to go back.

They make amazing cocktails, but I won't go. I won't go. That means you're going to go. No, I'm not. She's definitely going. Yeah, she's totally going. I'm not going to go. So he follows you on.

No, he follows our show. But he doesn't listen to the show. I don't know. No, I don't think so. I think he just follows it, yeah. He follows it. Let's block it. Let's block his ass, Allie.

Block him. Yeah, fucking block him. He's done. We're fucking blocking him. Done, son. But a lot of shit? Yeah. Then fuck our friend.

Yeah. But a lot of chefs follow us. How would you know who it is? A lot of chefs follow us? Yeah. How do you know who these chefs follow us? I'm just messaging them all. Are you auditing the fucking whole account?

No, I'm just saying, a lot of different, like a lot of people follow us. A bunch of them must be chefs. Okay. Well, there you go. All right. Well, Vanessa, it sounds like you're up. We know how to get you your next boyfriend. I'm not going to do anything, but I just thought you guys could include it.

Hey, this is great. Now that Jake's getting all wifed up, he's going to be a real bore. Yeah, someone texted that today that Vanessa's next. You're next. Let's go. I am, boy. I mean, and then, Allie, it's going to hit us where right around the time- We get divorced.

Oh, no. Right around the time they start getting into it, you and I will be single and back on the prowl. Oh, a couple of divorced with a couple of kids. That's very in demand now. I think I'm about to- I'm entering my era. Oh, my God. Wait, I have to share something else.

Divorce dad era? I could be banging like the Vanessa types. I think you would have a great divorce dad era. Oh, I would be. Yesterday? Great divorce dad energy. Yesterday for the, well, it happened two days in a row where I went to Trader Joe's and I saw Adelph.

Like, he was hot. I was like, whoa. Is my taste changing? Like, he had like gray hair. Salt and pepper? I'm like, wow, he's so handsome. Yesterday I went to a coffee shop. This guy, definitely like Adelph.

I'm like, oh my God, I need to get out of here. Or you know what it is? I'm just bored. Yeah. I'm just bored in my mind. Well, it's good. You're lowering your standards. No, how dare you?

Unless you had a walker, but you can help him with it. Lower your standards. No, no. I think he might have been like, I don't know. 50s? 60s? 50s, maybe. But I was like, okay, this isn't my usual type.

Yeah, but you probably want someone mature. I don't know, but my body was being fixed. He'll get the senior discount. You'll get the child discount. Vanessa has needs. Vanessa has needs. Yeah, Vanessa, your taste will evolve. It's evolving, I noticed yesterday.

I used to only watch a genre called Barely Legal. And now I've switched to college. No. So I am at this... You evolve, right? Isn't that how it is? Yeah, once you're 150... Is that equal to college?

College. Well, look, barely legal, they're not barely legal. They're all in their mid to late 20s. And college is probably in their 30s. It's just the categories they call it. No fucking way. Barely legal is not in their late 20s. Yeah, yeah.

And then MILF, they'll say MILF. But MILF, it's all... You know how it is. Isn't barely legal like 17 or 18? No, no. That's what... No. Barely legal is 18.

That's what they claim in the category, but it's not that. It's not that. It's older. It's older. It's not younger. It's illegal. It's older. 18 is not illegal.

I understand. And they're bored. You're gross. The point is you're gross. The point is not I'm gross because I don't do that anymore. Now I'm into college. Yeah, that's gross. Which is 20s, which is only four years older.

College is not mean college. College is people in their 30s that are wearing shirts that say, University of Pink, and they're in their 30s. So you think it's like a 90s rom-com where, like, everyone in high school is actually in their 20s and 30s? You have to do the porn math. It's like a 10-year math thing, and everyone knows it. Everyone? Does everyone know that?

So then when you're in your 60s and 70s, are you going to be into, like, master's degree? That's right. What are you going to go next? No, that's the category called young moms. Okay. That's the next category. And then you just kind of move up. but like even if you go to like you know omar's favorite of gilfs a lot of them are not

grannies at all they're trying they're younger they're younger they're 40s right so it's there's a switch there's older acting younger and then it becomes younger acting older and then what if you're really into grannies like actual grand i don't then i think you're in trouble centenarian porn so uh that was actually 20 years that was a real bonus part of the podcast we didn't think we'd get into this is why we can't say most of this stuff on the actual radio show All right, that'll do it for us. We've got to take a break. All right, yeah.

That was almost a one-hour episode. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Of Klein Alley Show over time. And do we get paid extra for this? No, we do not. No, we don't. No, we don't.

No, we don't. All right, that's it. All right, wee!