Klein/Ally Show: The Podcast - The Dumb Off

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

About to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show, but first let's tell you about our good friends at the finest airport that ever was and ever will be. The San Bernardino International Airport. Especially when there's summer travel plans, it can get expensive at these airports. That's why you gotta go to this airport where parking is just five bucks a day. Plus you got those easy trips, San Francisco or Provo, Utah. Maybe you didn't plan anything this summer. See how easy it is. Don't be one of those people who has to pack your patience. Go to San Bernardino International Airport. Okay, enough shilling. Now it's time to get into a brand new episode of Klein Alley Show. Celebrating stupidity every morning here on KROQ, especially during the back-to-school time of the year. This is, I believe, the third or fourth annual dumb-off that we've done here at KROQ.

And as I said earlier, it's the fourth annual inaugural dumb-off, which is a pretty dumb thing to say, but that doesn't stop us from saying it anyway. We've got three contestants that have made their way to the finals because they represent the best and the worst of humanity. Allie is, she's, I don't know. I'm what? What am I? Well, I just want to say that going into the competition, Allie's pregnant. She's got pregnancy brain. Vanessa's sick.

She's got sick brain. And Johnny's Johnny. So already. I've got no brain. That's right. So we've got the Sash of Stupidity has been brought to the KROQ studios. If you don't believe us, this is happening in real time. You can watch their brains buckle under pressure.

If you want to watch on YouTube, we're streaming there now as well. There's Allie holding the sash up. She's worn that sash before. That's the big dummy sash. Years ago, it was Allie and Johnny who had to share the sash, wear it together when they tied in the finals. And we have not had a tie since. But there's a lot on the line here. I mean, no one wants to be the dumbest on the show, right?

There's nothing wrong with it. I mean, you guys made me that guy. You made yourself that guy. You made me that guy. We didn't make you that guy, Johnny. Yeah, you did. It's the role you were born to play. So we have questions here.

We'll get into it in a moment. But right now, let's go ahead and meet the contestants in the finals of the Dumb Off. Welcome to the 2026 Dumb Off Finals. Contestant number one, they are so dumb, they have a prescription for a helmet and don't even know what the word prescription means. They have been challenged by stamps, fellatio salad, and basic 11 a.m. start times. Please welcome a two-time Dumb Off champion, Gay Leno, a.k.a. Postmaster Dummy. Johnny, congratulations.

You made it here. Beautiful intro. How are you feeling? Anything you want to say before you compete in the Dumball Finals? Yeah, what does the 11 a.m. intro mean? When we talked about our meetings. You're confused about your intro? When we talked about how our meetings start at 11 a.m.

You guys don't even come in at 11. Yeah, we do. You guys are still in the studio. And you said, I don't know what that means. And we said, it means be here at 11. You're like, I don't understand what you guys are saying. And then you were like, I feel like we keep talking about this. That was a difficult thing for you, but Johnny had a hard time figuring it out.

We now say hi to our second contestant in the Dumb-Off. Please welcome contestant number two. Contestant number two. English is not her first, second, or third language. She claims she's not dumb and actually one of the smartest kids in her class. She is four feet four inches of pure Colombian cocaine and chicken. And she once pooped her pants and didn't have underwear. Please welcome former NASA employee and former Chuck E. Cheese mouse, producer Vanessa.

Vanessa. I did have underwear on. What's that? I did have underwear. Oh, you did? I did. Well, then why did you say you didn't? Redo the whole intro.

I didn't realize. That's the only thing you have a gripe about? The other ones are ridiculous. Well, but the other ones are true. You did work at NASA. I am not 4'4". Oh, you're not? And I speak two languages.

Yeah. So I'm the smartest one, actually. But this one's true. I pooped my pants and I don't have underwear. Yeah, that's you saying it. I don't understand when that happened. You said it. You don't understand your own statement?

What did I say this? That's when you got really drunk and you said you pooped your pants and then you said you didn't have underwear. Yeah. And back in 2023. People are sitting in their cars now, not going into my job today until I hear this dumb off. I'm so excited. This is exciting. I haven't been this excited since the Seinfeld finale, someone claims.

Man, that's exciting. We can't get caught up in the intros. We've got to move forward. Yeah, come on, man. Moving on. We have one final intro because we do have one final contestant, and it's come down to three people. You've met Vanessa.

You've met Johnny. And now let's meet contestant number three. Contestant number three. She once got trapped in her underwear while trying to pull it over her head. Years earlier, she got stuck in a hula hoop and had to be rescued by the fire department. Not true. She claims that she's not dumb, and the rest of us are just a bunch of stupid assholes. She is a three-time dumb-off finalist, and a gross-off winner, and the meanest on the show.

Please welcome the cankle queen, Allie Johnson. Wow, what a nice... Thank you. Thank you. It's funny, because Allie's offended, but also proud that she's got so many titles. I mean... These are your contestants that will be battling it out in the dumb-off. Please, everyone, get your paper out.

Get your pens ready. And without any further ado or intros, it's time now for the Dumb-Off Finals. The Dumb-Off. All right, here we go. Write down your answers. Question number one. What is an antonym of scarce? What is an antonym of scarce?

Johnny's writing. Vanessa is starting. I wrote. Probably Googling. I'm not Googling. You Googling back there? There was a lot of people that speculated that yesterday during the tiebreaker question, Johnny was on his phone to answer that question.

They saw it happen on YouTube Live. So everyone on YouTube was watching. Make sure there's no cheating in question two. Damn. If you're in a race and you run past the person in second place, what place are you now in? We get this question every year. You've never gotten it right, Johnny. Say it again one more time.

If you're in a race, you run past the person in second place. What place are you now in? Question three. It's the Dumb Off Finals on KROQ. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but nine run away. How many sheep remain? Can you repeat that?

Sorry. I was distracted. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but nine run away. How many remain? this is the dumb off finals thank you Jake

what would be heavier to carry 10 pounds of cotton balls or 10 pounds of cinder blocks what would be heavier to carry the cotton balls or the cinder blocks we go to your next question say goodbye in three languages

say goodbye in three languages? Next question. A man dies on his 25th birthday. Oh, Jesus Christ. Hold on. Let him cook. Let him cook.

Go ahead. He's 25? A man dies on his 25th birthday. The official cause of death was old age. How is this possible? A man? Okay, one more time.

Yeah, what kind of man? A human man? A human man. Thank you. Thank you, Allie. Is that your answer? A human man dies on his 25th birthday. Cause of death officially was old age.

How is this possible? It is a human, right? I've said this five times. It's a goddamn human man. Hispanic? Italian? It does not matter for the purpose of this, Johnny. Interesting.

Make him however you want to make him. Yeah, draw him now. And draw him. Yeah. Next question. that a birthday is actually a hospital room? Nope.

Oh, yeah. There's probably some stupid crap like that. It's birthday of his mother. Stupid. All right, next question. How many questions are we doing?

Yeah, can we do like eight only? No, there's ten. Oh, man. That's a problem for you guys? Yeah, there's too many questions. What can you hold without ever touching it?

What can you hold without ever touching it? Two more questions. There's two more questions? That's right. What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it? And your final question, the dumb-off. Starts with T, ends with T, and has a T in it?

Yep. Has T in it. Has T in it? Yep. Starts with T, ends with T, has T in it. Final question. A man walks three miles north. Oh, my God.

These questions at the beginning were so great. Hey, girls, let's just veto this one, not answer it. No, this is so easy. Boycott. Yeah, boycott. Vanessa, you want to boycott this one, too? A man walks three miles north, three miles east, and three miles south. How far is he from where he started?

Okay, wait, wait, wait. Okay, three miles. North. Uh-huh. Three miles east and three miles south. how far is he from where he started? Again, super easy. These are not difficult questions.

Okay. Is everyone happy? Okay, yep. Can I get a repeat, please, of number six? Yeah, what was six? I left that one blank, too. That said birthday one. Number six is the man.

How does a man celebrate his 25th birthday? He dies on his 25th birthday. The cause of death was old age. How is this possible? Super easy. Everyone happy now? Okay. So we did nine questions

Yeah, what's the tenth one? The tenth one is a tiebreaker if needed So I'm not going to ask that one Come back, everyone's going to look over their answers No texting We'll come back with the results next Jay Rock, Klein Alley Show About to get to the exciting conclusion of this year's

Dumb Off and we've really raised the Production value this year, Alley We have musical interludes as well And as we celebrate the stupidity On the show Here they are, the dumbest on the show They sound like they're high, but their IQ is low It's the Dumb-Off

The Dumb-Off Let's get to the exciting conclusion of the Dumb-Off. That's pretty good. Who gets to wear the sash of stupidity? Very exciting. Nice. All right. Allie, how are you feeling before we get to the answers?

Well, I'm upset, but let's just move on. One of the odds you're upset Vanessa how are you feeling about all that Fair fair is fair Like definitely got some of them wrong But hopefully some of them right It's all about just not losing And Johnny you're looking at your paper

Scratching your head a lot Well as a dumb off champion I've experienced a lot of these questions before So I'm pretty confident in them Really Yeah like four of them he repeated in previous years But Johnny has been known to And he knew we wouldn't go back and listen to those old episodes

Because we can't find them All right, here we go. Question number one. This is the exciting conclusion of the dumb-off. What is an antonym of scarce? John, we'll start with you. Abundant. Vanessa, what'd you put down?

A lot. Uh-huh. Allie? Plenty. All right, both of you, all you get the points on that one. We all wrote different words, though. Yeah, interesting. Well done.

You guys got that. One on the board early. Woo! You run past the person in second place in a race. What place are you now in, Allie? Second place. Johnny? Second place.

Vanessa? I put first. Because, okay, because you're passing the second person, so you're first. No, now you're second because obviously you're in third, so now you're in second place. That was a question that tripped up some people last year, and Vanessa is now first to get a point in the finals of the dumb-off. And points are not good here. We go to your next question. Vanessa's up one.

A farmer has 17 sheep. All but nine run away. How many remain? Vanessa, we'll start with you. Eight. Oh, damn. Johnny? I put all.

Another repeat from, like, previous years. Come on, with the memory. Who remembers questions? That's also wrong, Johnny. Allie? I put nine. That is the right answer. Ah, damn it.

It was nine. All but nine remain, which means... I couldn't remember, because I was like, it was one of those trick ones where it was like, no, you need all of them, because he says all. Right. Well, anyway. I'm curious, Vanessa, how you came up with eight. Because nine and eight.

She subtracted. 17 minus nine. She subtracted. Thought it was basic subtraction. It's funny that Johnny and Vanessa both got that wrong for very different reasons. Yes. I don't know how Johnny came up with all is a better question. I was like, he said he started off with all.

I was like, it's got to be all. I love how you're lecturing Vanessa like, God, don't worry, I got this. Yeah. It's all. It's an even more wrong answer. Vanessa has two, and Johnny has one as we go to this next question. What would be heavier to carry? 10 pounds of cotton balls or 10 pounds of cinder blocks?

Vanessa. They're the same weight. Allie. Same weight. Same weight. All right. Johnny got that question wrong three different years, so he's finally learned something. It took us that long for him to figure that out.

Woo! Next question. Can you say goodbye in three different languages? Allie. Goodbye, adios, and au revoir. Johnny. I said adios, ciao, and arrivederci. Nice.

You didn't even go with English. That's interesting. Duh. Vanessa. Okay, I put three, but my question is, I didn't put goodnight because like you're saying, can you say goodnight in three different languages? Goodbye, not goodnight. Oh, I heard goodnight. Damn.

Wedge, you know what? I did say, which is funny because I put ciao, which is bye, adios, which is bye, but then I also put bonui, which is goodnight. What? This is my sick brain. What? Oh, boy. Bonne nuit is good night, which also means goodbye, because I'm going to bed. So you said goodbye, goodbye, good night?

Yeah. Vanessa, I can't give you the point on that. Come on, I have a headache. We go to your next question. This one really bothered a lot of people. A man dies on his 25th birthday. The cause of death was old age. How is this possible?

Johnny, we'll start with you. I put abortion. Oh, interesting. I like it. I mean, just for that answer alone, Johnny should win the double. Sorry, trigger warning, but like, I don't know. Like the op trigger warning.

I put newborn slash abortion, and I was just like, I think it's abortion. I'd love you to explain that. That's a very late, late term abortion. That's like the opposite. Well, you didn't say 25 years old. It could be 25 days old. How long has it been in there?

Allie, what'd you put? I am just going to take the L. Oh, come on. You don't even have an answer? I wrote that it was his fourth 25th birthday. What does that mean? Like, it's his 25th birthday, but it's his fourth anniversary of his 25th birthday. Jake, is this hard?

No. It's really not, right? Vanessa, please tell me you got the answer. I just guessed. I'm like 100. You just put 100? Yeah. Well, now I'm curious if I'm right, but I'm pretty sure I am.

Well, but Vanessa, explain 100. A man dies on his 25th birthday. Cause of death was considered old age. How is this possible? You wrote 100? Oh, wait. It's like, if it, 100. Wait, sorry.

He was born in like 1200 BC or something when there was like cavemen and animals. So like life expectancy wasn't that long back then. You're overthinking it. Oh, that's a good answer. You know what I mean? His birthday is on February 29th. Oh, stupid. I knew it.

So he is 100 at the age of death. So Vanessa figured that out. Hell yeah. Yeah, and I just guessed, baby. But you kind of didn't. Yeah, that was wrong. She was way off. I feel like you just picked a number.

Yeah. Give her that. And I chose the right one. 100. Give her the way. Guys, we're down to this. It's not looking good for Vanessa. Wait, so did she get it right?

The answer is leap year. Leap year is the answer. Oh, I thought you said the answer was 100. Yeah, he's born on a leap year, so that's just technically it's his 25th birthday. He's 100 years old. No, no, no. I'm right. I put 100.

Vanessa's right. Thank you. What can you hold without ever touching it? Johnny. I didn't answer it. Allie? I put your breath. That is correct.

Vanessa? Yes. Okay, it's pretty close to breath. Air. You can hold air. I think we should give her that one. Vanessa will give you that as well. I was going to say air, but I was like, that's not even an answer.

Johnny, no answer, which means you are now. Well, because I was going to say air is not an answer. You can't hold it, or you can't touch it. It's your breath. You can't touch air. That room is holding it right now. Johnny, this is not looking good for you, Johnny. You can't touch air.

Johnny, technicality, hold on. Yeah, you can hold your breath, but you can't touch air. What starts with a T, ends with a T, and has T in it? Allie. I put teat. Come on. Come on. Seriously?

I'm right. Starts with T, ends with T, and it has the word T in it. Vanessa? A tent. Jesus Christ. When you build a tent, there's a stick that creates a T. And it starts with T, ends with T, and inside of it, when you build it, there's a T.

I wish I came up with a stupid answer too. Johnny, what'd you say? I put TNT. Oh my God. There's a TN inside of it. And T. I think we all have great answers. It's a teapot.

Stupid ass question, dog. Stupid ass question. You've gotten it wrong. And TNT because it says TNT like you just said in the question. All right, you're all wrong. I think we're all creative and came up with alternative answers.

Yeah, you're all wrong. All wrong. And this final question could determine who wins and who loses, guys. I have lost count, but I think that it's between Vanessa and Johnny now. Allie, let's throw you in the mix. A man walks three miles north, three miles east, and three miles south. How far is he from where he started? I put three miles.

Vanessa, what did you put? Three miles. Johnny? Wow, I have three miles written down, too. All right, that is the right answer. Woo! Whoa. So at the end of it all, I think we can agree, Allie is the dumbest, right?

No, I'm not. I only got two wrong. Sadly, it is, I believe, and Omar, correct me if I'm wrong, Johnny and Vanessa have an almost identical score right now. Yeah, I think we have to go to the tiebreaker. Which means we have to go to the tiebreaker. Wait, how many did you get wrong, Johnny? Yeah, you kind of messed me up because you didn't count.

You gave her the point for 100, and then you took me away for the whole you can't touch air. Guys, this is the last question. This will determine who wears the sash of stupidity. You take this seriously. This is BS. A man shaves several times a day, but still has a full beard. Who is he? God, I'm so glad I don't have to answer this.

Who is he? What? A man shaves several times a day, but still has a full beard. Who is he? This will be the determining question. There will be one person standing high atop the Mount Rushmore of stupidity. Will it be Vanessa, who is sick? Will it be Johnny, who's got brain damage?

I think they're going to tie again. Yeah, this is going to be a tiebreaker. This is a terrible question. Yeah, how are they going to get it there, but neither of them are going to get this right. Yeah, they're going to be wearing that sash together. It's happened before. Are you ready? Yep.

Okay. Tell me what you write. Klein. I thought that was a great answer. Yeah. And you set yourself up for that one, too. You shave several times a day, and you're still hairy? Didn't you shave this morning?

Look at you. Yeah. Yeah, but it's not a full... I'm not the answer. That's the damn answer, bro. It's not a full beard. Who am I? Jesus?

Vanessa? Okay. I think a swimmer a swimmer or a captain terrible question the answer guys

is a barber a barber a barber you have another one? well listen that's it it's come down to a tie and it's the back room

the chicken coop here's our song that we've been so excited guys wear the sash together she's sick I don't want to be that close you gotta stand with her

this is a great moment now everyone gather around and text your dumbest friend The dumb-off has officially come to an end with a tie, and it's the people responsible for it. Allie's pregnancy, the least thing wrong inside her brain. Her stupid answers leave a stupid fight entained. Look at him. Vanessa has a language barrier, so she has an excuse.

Johnny has no excuse for his answers so obtuse. Here they are, the dumbest on the show They sound like they're high, but their IQ is low It's the Dumb-Off The Dumb-Off Congratulations to all participants. Well played. All right.

We're going to break. A more fun alley show after this on KROQ.