Kump - 109 - Eat The Rich's Toilets

Episode Date: May 12, 2022

Ray and Lucie talk about Ray’s confusing ethnicity, their plans for a new side hustle, the teen mental health crisis, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your Kump Hand merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. Hello. Hello, Lucy. Hi. You're wearing a stunning jacket. Is that made of human skin? Thank you. Probably, yeah.

It's a... It looks too good to not have. have some real pain in its background it looks like some burgundy uh person yeah was slaughtered by the supreme court uh or one of the retractors and you've donned this jacket yeah in the blood of christ and uh in the nave of the womb uh peace be unto you it's nice jacket it's a strong jacket it's a strong look it's a aggressive look uh welcome to the show that spring is a why does this keeps we need better things i need like i if anyone i want one of these drills into the table they don't drill into the table i don't like the fact that clamps yeah i need to spend a thousand

dollars on mic stand and then do a bunch of illicit drugs you don't want to specify because i don't get content i need or whatever had google ads sensed the uh the illuminality of YouTube you know yeah I want them shutting me down welcome again to the show the arbiters do they just do a thing now where it's like anything that's kind of could be politically controversial they're like well I think last week's episode was a bit controversial we got a little you know that's true it's a bit you know it was a little heavy with the I mean they didn't say we couldn't be there yeah they just said we don't really want advertisers having to see this fair enough we don't have to explain to sherman toilet paper why you why you guys are ranting about

subject which I won't mean I've been censored now I've been what's the word when you avoid censorship I'm in the hobbled no what were they say about someone who like who self-censors after they get slapped on the hand yeah you're well we're experiencing the the um the icing effect the the ice the the Duncan Heinz icing effect how about we get Duncan Heinz the sponsor the lovely cake brand who makes the cakes and the cookies and the icing that goes on them and we have a you know a featured podcast sponsored by duncan hines about how we've been iced out of controversial subjects for fear of losing threes of dollars a month fours of dollars yeah it's not very much money we're not a debt

you big of a show you the days of uh you know Casey nice stat and uh and the and the Jonas brother Who were the Floyd brothers? Who went to get them? The Floyd brothers. No, who are they? The boxing boys. Oh, oh, yeah, the Paul boys. We got into this too late.

They're younger than me, but I decided not to live my life on the web. And I'm paying for it now, like an elderly man. Yeah. Who shunned computers with his fountain pen. I am now the sepulacant of not Lester men. They're probably better than me. But, you know, younger men. Yeah, I should get a job with them.

Just cleaning toilets or something. Probably, you know, it's just job stability. Yeah. I would, I got to learn from them. And what I got to learn is humility. Yeah. That's how it works now. You got to do, we do our creative pursuit on the side.

But then our day job is, you know, getting smoothies for bigger podcast. I'll clean toilets with my mouth. And you go, why would you want that? Who would want that? Wait. Because then you, wait. You're saying, who would, like, that's actually kind of disgusting. Like, I have a wife or a girlfriend that have kids.

My brother's kids come. And they don't want to see, you know, I don't want you to be around as a man who cleans toilets with his mouth. But that's, look, it's a power move. You have over your CEO friends, your friends, you know, from Napster who make money or other corporations and you have a venture you're planning and you go

and you go hey guys I want to show you guys something you show you hell here's the terracotta archways and here's the Fabrizre dome and here's a here's a candle and you know I want to show you something else and you you bring them towards your master bath

room and you open the door slowly and they see me hunched over a toilet just licking licking and spitting the you know I need to spit to get you know some moisture and I'm spitting and licking in the toilet would you be dressed in kind of like a full butler get up no uh me well maybe a baby's bonnet he just said I pay him to do that yeah this man has no dignity I basically I'm just you know I probably wouldn't say I own him because in this country especially there's terrible kind of deserve connotations for that right he wants to you own someone anymore i never would but these

people but i'm just saying but he will i'll do whatever he says sure i mean how much do you think uh how much do you think you would pay you to do that just for the status 40 grand a year 40 grand yeah but i know it's coming in i know that money's there uh i can i can plan for my future and most of it is going to be eating the toilet right but uh any health insurance i mean it's pretty dangerous job i would think for your health so i mean i i feel like he'd be a good guy he respect me enough perhaps i do good work yeah if i i said to him hey like i have this wound on my leg you can just like kind of poke something in there and bleed the puss out he might say yes but no no health insurance per se per se is that i mean i just picture an infection and he has to let

the puss out right and then he docks my pay for a week but you know at least i'm alive yeah and this this is my future 40 grand might not seem like that much to do such a uh debasing uh job horrible but you get that client you get a client like jake paul yeah and then all the other celebs are going to want that right i'll be the toilet eater of the of the stars i'll be the the toast of the town i'll be the the coat de jure. Is that it? Yeah. The crock de jure.

Yeah. What is it? I know it's not. I didn't get it right. Tell me what. I'm not sure. Shame me. Croposur.

Whatever. I thought you were French. The toast of the. I'm the toast of the tinsels. Toast of Tintel town. Um. And they can hunt me. You know, I mean like I'm not the quickest guy at the moment.

but I feel like I could be hunted right this is not what I want for us you know we're newly engaged but that's why I'm planning for us and we still do the podcast right but this where we have you know something solid coming in that you know because I have to worry about you now

you're my burden but it's the responsibility you know I mean I can't I can't choose and not, like, toilet is just because I don't want to. Yeah, I mean, look, it's like if we start a family, 40K could be the difference between, you know, braces and no braces.

And what if we want to get, like, a nice Italian dinner sometimes? I'm not, I'd rather have a nice Italian dinner once a month and eat shit every day than, like, I have to, like, you know, forego the things I love. Personally, I would forego the nice Italian dinner if it, if it meant that you didn't have to be hunted. Have you ever had chicken parmesan? Yes, I am. Amazing. Yeah.

Cheese. It's chicken. It's really good. This cat, pod. You know what I found out? What? I found out where I am from after all this time. Really?

I wouldn't say I've been lied to. It's just no one that my family seemed to like put the pieces together of where, you know, my origin story. I thought you were Gosei. Well, that's what I've been telling. I mean, look, we are Gochay. It brings up an interesting question. Because the Gochay doesn't exist anymore. It was squashed after the World War II.

It was divvied up by the UN. I don't know why. I don't think Gochay was a hotbed of Nazi intelligence and Nazi high command. But it decided to carve it up and give it to you. I always thought maybe it was Yugoslavia or. or other was it Herscovina but it turns out we were having

Mother's Day dinner with my mother and my father and other family and we're a nice German restaurant and we're talking about the Gochay's my plans to like you know somehow like you know capitalizing the fact that I'm Gochay which seems hard but I was talking about how I want kind of like

use this like you know built in fan base right and marshal them I mean For all I know, there was two dozen people in the country to have this distinction. Yeah. So it's not probably that fertile. But that being said, I just Google, like, where is it? And they're like, I don't know. I think it's Czechos of ours.

I look at it. It's Slovenia. I'm Slovenian. Slovenian. Yes. Now, I don't know if I am Slovenian. Doesn't sound quite as exotic as Goet. Who is Slovak?

Who is Gochay? I don't know. I don't know. No, it's mysterious. I'm the most famous Goce probably. Yeah. Now, who is Slovenian? The young, beautiful basketball boy, Luca Donchick.

He's a massive star. The Dallas Mavericks. He's tall and he shoots. Look at him. Oh, yeah. Look at Luca Donchick. You got to go back to saying your Gocee because. Well, I'm inviting a comparison.

You're not going to be the, it's just you're not going to be. the most famous Slovenian with this guy around. Well, there's no benefit of being Gochet. I mean, much like I'd rather eat shit for, you know, a year to get a little chicken palm hero.

I'd rather, you know, I'd rather serve in hell than, than right, wait. What's the, what's the expression? I'd rather go to hell than never have a job. Ever go to church? I'd rather serve.

I'd rather rule in hell than serve in heaven. All right. But that's a weird. That's a moral for one guy Right That's a weird story That Paradise Lost Oh yeah

It's a very strange moral Most people aren't making that choice You'll get to rule hell It's not about like Hey if I like kill my ex-wife Do I get to rule hell? No you're gonna be a guy in hell Yeah

You know No he's a guy who goes like You know It's like that Gaggans guy He was like you can be a Gaggans Walton Gaggagins Not Walton Gaggagins

The guy who works out a lot And he has a really You know, he's really ripped And he's like a Navy seal or something Oh, he's like, you could have this body too You're talking about, uh, what's his name? Um, like Who is this man?

David Gagins. David, bring this guy up. Is he the guy Chapin-Lodin? Oh, he's a nice guy. Yeah. Well, this is the guy ruling in hell and telling you, you can too. He's not ruling in hell either.

Why is he even going to hell? I'm talking about a guy who shot his ex-wife. What did David Gagins do? I was saying, like, saying this guy, what is he, Satan in Paradise Lost? Perhaps Lucifer. Yeah, Lucifer. Biazab.

Yeah. I would say he's saying like, he's better to rule in hell. Like it's, you know, like it's something everyone can achieve. Like these super ripals. I'd rather have a hot dog stand in hell. then why that's not a bad job

you're looking down on people again you do it sometimes you're looking down on hot dog vendors no look I understand why you would want to be a hot dog vendor on earth because no one's going to if it's held then people aren't going to four-star restaurants they're going to be kind of like they'll be down their luck you know I mean they're all going to be living in like you know lansing virginia or something or lansing Michigan yeah and it's just going to be very sad and uh so yeah i'll be selling hot dogs i'll be doing fine i'll be able to buy stuff yeah they'll they're all they're everything else greedy all these CEOs who are all these people

who get to eat hot dogs in hell hot dogs aren't that great you get sick of hot dogs real quick i don't what you think now like you like you what like cobiashi's gonna be happy and everyone else is like you know what you look at joey chestnuts the hot dog eating boys right we should really do a muck bang yeah uh uh i showed you you're some muckbanks you did they're disgusting yeah i mean it's the thing is like it's only skinny guys yeah and it's like that somehow it's like there's something so perverse about them right yeah like i still i still i'm still jealous of their bodies i guess that's the better analogy those those are the guys who are ruling in hell sure yes

they're stars but like you have to like basically like you probably do permanent damage but you know who isn't these days none of those like you know you know Ted Cruz has probably got like a nice Botox serum you know yeah but we don't get that no we're not part of the inner circle now we get in with those Paul brothers and we start eating their toilets you know I refer to it I refer to it as eating your toilet let me get your toilets today sir and you know it's like even though I'm not

eat I don't swallow it even if there's like big chunks of shit there I spit into the, I mean, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm kind of running a scam. Hey, look, you're like that Anna girl who, you know, kind of scammed her way. You only made the Netflix show about it into the higher actual. Yeah, I mean, look, it's a little bit, it's more like, uh, it's more like when you go and they try to tell you, you can make money off, like, you know, direct marketing. It's like, yeah, but, you know, if you don't. And like, yeah, I, I, I am licking a toilet. but I'm not eating shit

yeah so that if that makes me a liar you know have you have you were sent in prison for that the judge is just like I can't believe how you took advantage

of these trusting YouTube elites you told you you assured them that you would be swallowing their feces I never I never and instead you regurgitate it objection I never specified

that I would eat shit i i i've implied such a thing i might have let son something be assumed like that but i never said i will you know i will swallow the shit now here i'd be fair uh when there's a little bit of shit it was dirty i'll look you clean but i'm not eating chunks of it did you ever even stop to consider how your deception would injure these people they have so much would injure their they have everything i have nothing I quit my job for this I had a good job

but yeah I don't know I think I shouldn't be Slovenian I don't even know if I am how does it work if your country if you like when you're from a country that doesn't exist anymore like when my grandparents fled I think it was Gochet so do I count this Slovenian I mean not like is a record of where you

you're from like officially uh i i mean i guess if you're i guess you'd count as whatever it is at the time present present day all right so i mean if that's the if that's the barometer then all right play me to this the slovenian national anthem i want to hear this okay i mean like my grandma would go visit her twin sister and go in like go chay over the years and like she had to been going through Slovenia I mean, when does Slovenia get founded? I can't believe no one ever said, yeah, it's Slovenia now. It was always just, like, vague of, like, ambiguity.

We're not really sure. It's Slovenia. What do you have there? You have something else? I googled coolest facts about Slovenia. Well, it's, look at Donchik. What else is cool about? Like, I mean, it seems like a nice place.

These are some weird things I've chosen. Let me hear them. They love bees. Wait, not that they have a lot of bees. They love bees. They love them. The coolest thing about Slovenia is that they like bees. Yeah.

It's not even like an attribute. It's just a subjective thing. We happen to like B. That's not good or bad. That's just like you weird. A little weird. Okay. Go on next.

Slovenia looks like a chicken. It doesn't. It doesn't really. No, it doesn't. I can see how if you squint, you could make that up. They have one of the most sensational basketball players of this of his era. coming from there and they're listing their checking shape on the map Slovenia's only 30 years old so is Luca Donovan is an even 30 years old

geez these people are not marketing themselves yeah this guy he might not win the championship this year or next but he's a he's a powerhouse he was playing in the professional leagues in Europe at 16 winning European championships wow yeah it's a good and they're listing this there's more than a thousand bears in Slovenia? I mean, I can't be part. This is, man, I mean, I'm rethinking my, like, you know, pitch to become Slovenian. Slovenians are adventurous. And it shows a picture of water.

What does that mean? What are they doing them? We drown our kids in the water. The main traditional dish of Slovenia is cake. What kind of cake? No, it's not, they don't even say. It's a cake. It's a cake.

It's like, what kind of cake is it? Yeah, it's a cake. It's kind of like, you know. Is that frosting? Sometimes. Yeah. Is there like a really traditional way of making it? Yeah, you just throw some cake ingredients.

Usually use eggs. Sometimes chocolate. Sometimes vanilla. We don't, you know, it's a problem. They didn't say Duncan Heinz. I mean, this podcast is sponsored by Duncan Heinz because, uh, Why? Oh, because the icing effect of these YouTube adverts on my Slovenian discourse.

I could have so much right now about Slovenia, disparaging them, calling them all beef fuckers. Just fucking, you know, hey, what are you going to eat some cake, motherfucker? Let's get Dallas Maverick tickets where Luka Dantzik plays. And I want to start screaming at them, your country looks like a chicken, you scumbag. Oh, what? You like bees? Why he's trying to do a free throw? Everyone's just going,

and I'm like, B, suck. Go home to your land of a thousand bears, bitch. Exactly a thousand. Exactly a thousand. And one. He was getting mad of fans the last week I saw. Really?

I don't know what they were saying to them. Probably calling him a Nazi. You know, they never say what the people are yelling, you know, when you're watching the game, you took me a long time to realize, this but the audio will just drop out for some reason and like now it's not silent but it's just like and they realize it's because like constantly players and people just screaming obscenities yeah at each other and it's just constantly like drop the i guess the whatever

feed that is oh oh like the the audio of the people just constantly screaming probably you know f bombs and words yeah all sorts of stuff we're awful people i mean you know you can't we went to a next game uh earlier in the year And there were just some guys, yeah, like some kid was like talking shit to like, what was his name? The big guy on the Knicks. Irvin, Julis Irving? No, that's Dr. J. He's a similar name, Julius Randall, something like that.

And I mean, I would love a malice in the palace to happen. Yeah. I would love to see that 14-year-old kid just get punched by that guy, right? And just all his teeth fall out. And I'm just screaming. yeah Slovenia you know like I was like I'm just I've become my thing in the NBA I'm I'll become the guy who goes every game even if Lucas Donzik is in there I'm screaming about bees and I kill myself in the court I just run up to the court into the logo

I'm rich with suicide uh imagine one of those guys who like you know how they have his people at halftime or whatever who like shoot the basket yeah and uh like in the to win like money or whatever funny people got just missed and you just shut them up oh that would be a great place to advertise the toilet liquor company toilet liquor company oh so your plan is to wait for some my toilet licking company here's our business plan is that we spend a lot of money going to NBA games on the off chance hope that someone Also, as the idea I came up with, of first getting into this, like, shooting contest at halftime, when it's not even televised.

So why would it be that creative thing? Honestly, it's like, I mean, I'm seeing, but the other guy might also not realize, you know, the flaw in the plan. Just like, I didn't, right? But it's not televised. So we're waiting for someone to be as stupid as I am. To have an idea as perverse as I am, so that once he shoots himself in mid-court, I can run up to his pool of blood and start screaming, what? Like, I have a company. Listen to me.

Everyone's freaking out. I think it's an active shooter. No, it's like you kind of run up and you grab the mic from whatever lady is holding it. Well, it's probably in the hands of the guy who died. Oh, yeah. So you pick it out of his pool of blood. You pick it up out of his pool of blood. Right.

Hello, listen to me. Calm down. I have the script. Okay, okay. You go down, you pick it up from the dead guy. You hold it to your mouth. He go, has this ever happened to you? And it called Ray Cubs toilet liquors,

and then you start looking at, licking up the pool of blood. You are still looking at its blood. No one's going to know one book. It's one thing to have like, you know, me eating shit in the toilet, even though,

and like, you know, lying about that. Yeah. I won't eat the shit. But like, I'm now, I'm some guy who,

like, who's like something like half vampire, half cat, just eating some guy's blood. I will be put in jail. What are you talking? So what are you want? What are you?

You can't just go to a crime scene, even though it's not thinking of... You want our children to starve? I mean, it's true. You want me to be in jail forever? How much chicken barbers are you willing to miss out on? I would do it if I didn't... I just don't see how it works. How's that advertise...

That's not... At best people are going to think I'm a crime scene, like, eater. Like, I'll come. I'm like, I'm like, Harvey Keitel and Pulp Fiction. Just bring me to the fucking... And I'll just start licking the blood off of something, like, double homicide. and the guy's still there. I'm like, I'm just cleaning off.

No, get all her blood and piss. Eat it all. I'll give you $100. And I mean, that's not what I, like that business, then sure. But I don't see how it correlates the toilets. Yeah. Look, we might need some kind of certificate and forensic crime scene work. So you think in the midst of a giant arena, like Mass and Square Yard, people are probably like, you know, shuffling to like the egg.

exits because you were a gunshot and I run up even suppose I could get to the to the court where security wouldn't like you know close line me but I get out in the court and and remove the mic from the pool of blood and they start screaming calm down everyone has this ever happened to you and then like and I just are licking the blood I mean there's no people are even understand that I'm pitching something I think I shot them maybe they're going to think I was a snipe who shot the guy and they come and go is this ever happen to you but we're going to get a lot of the people who are kind of comatose with fear not so much the people who are scrambling towards the exits right but do you even want them no i want i want the the stalwart people who stay and just

watch the man bleed out that's my audience that's who i speak to um anyway so Slovenia uh The Supreme Court is in the news, Lucy. Yes. You know, because what they did last week? Don't say it. Don't say what they did. They made a decision. Made a decision which the Duncan Hines company would not want us to elaborate on.

Yeah. But because of the decisions made, again, not related to Duncan Hines in their parent companies. um people are protesting outside of uh supreme court justice's houses and they're uh people getting very dodgy about it you're getting very you know angry upset in the what's your take on that um like who's getting upset like it means the Supreme court oh yeah sure um and like you know i think i don't know where it's ever once but that's like Kavanaugh's house and people keep saying his neighbors were involved like people think about his neighbors like they don't want to start the protest but that's probably not I guess it might be one guy a kid who would be great if it's two next door neighbors I mean that is the narrative on Twitter at least I can't I don't necessarily believe that I feel like it's somewhere in between uh there's probably one nutcase neighbor who hates them yeah I mean look I get it's the kind of thing where it's like uh do you think it's crossing the bounds of of polite society probably I can't myself to care about that right um but we should honestly like at this point uh because you

go oh who you know if you do this who's going to want the job look who wants the job now on all sides of this yeah we should really just like live outside of politicians and supreme court justice houses yeah we should just like you know it should just be a constant like it should they should be like the beetles but everyone hates them right and not just because of you know the the the decision that Duncan Hines doesn't want to hear about. But like, just these people who just like have lifetime, you know, appointments, they can make such a decision. You like, you know, basically on the whims of like, I mean,

it's just not, it doesn't seem like a practical apparatus anymore. Yeah, look, at the very least, I think you can argue, like you have signed up to audition for a lifetime of power. Like, that's how much power you think you're worthy of. So maybe there should be some people protesting in front of your stuff. house like you know it's like it's like it's such a crazy amount of power to have for your entire life supreme court only works for me if it's like it's not really political to me it's more like if they're the ones protecting freedom in general which right historically i don't think

they have they still have the greatest track record you know we think of the whole time of the country there's a lot of years where they were like slavery's fine right you know whatever i mean i'm sure a case came up or it was like maybe you know Slaves should or not, but it's probably not because it's in the Constitution. Mm-hmm. So they're going to saddlelock there. But, uh, where's my point? Help me.

Uh, something about the... No, but, like, I mean, look, if a guy, if his Supreme Court defends the guy's right to have sex with bees, like, that, like, you don't want that. I don't want some guy fucking bees living next door to me. I don't want it. But, like, you know, that makes sense, right? and like if you didn't support train it's still the idea like oh they're just there

making sure people don't overstep their but when you start taking away rights from people right it's not a political it's more like you know like the Supreme Court which would defend the KKK's right to like March you know they would do that kind of thing right like you know back I'm not saying

they did historically but that's the idea that okay they're the ones who like check government power but like you know it's just when you're just kind of going and it's just also you finally get your conservative majority and then all of a sudden this happens Yeah like and also all of these people

Eddie Connie Barrett, Brett Kavanaugh They were also like Obviously all of us knew an actuality that they would jump At the chance to overturn it versus Wade But when they were going through the confirmation They were so coy about it And like very insistent that they like

They wouldn't change like foundational ruling Well I mean that look here What do you think is going to happen when you make it very clearly you have a litmus test. I mean, if I go for a job and they ask me, if I've ever gotten drunk and pissed all over a, you know, in a subway and shit in the subway and, like, and, you know,

got my sub and then threw it at the guy and said, make me another. Yeah. I would say no, even though it's true. Oh, yeah, look, of course. But it's like when you sign on for that. I hadn't asked for all of them. And I clearly did.

And I'm just throwing it. Right. I'm just a disgusting animal. Yeah. And I take a shit in a bit next to the soda. Right. Machine. Yeah.

If you're going to ask me that, I'm just saying no. Sure. So it's like, you know, don't ask me that. Don't ask me questions you both know. We both know I did it. Of course. But don't ask me that question. But I'm just saying, don't be surprised when you sign on for that litmus test.

Right. And you pass it. And then you do something clearly partisan and then people are angry. Like, it makes like the, it makes the public angry, right? Like, uh, they don't care. Look, I'm not going. I'm not traveling to protest at anyone's house. I mean, apparently they would read to, like, more security.

I mean, oh, yeah, look, of course they did. That's the other thing. It's like these people always get what they need in terms of security. Yeah. So it's like. Love ex-a-side guys that protecting them. Yeah. You know, that's, you know, that's another reason.

Like, I don't give a shit. Those guys are tough. Yeah. I wouldn't want to fuck with them. I mean, it's like, they only trust Americans, you know. I mean, I'm sure it's dalt are for it. But, you know, it was like, but this thing, you know, you want the, of the retired guys who come into the private line.

You want the Israelis. Right. Or maybe some Ukrainians. They might be pretty tough. They seem pretty tough. Yeah. You know, they're fighting that war. Sure.

And no one talks about it anymore, really. And they keep saying they're winning, but I don't know. Yeah, it's like people aren't quite disinterested yet, but you're starting to see the eyes of America glaze over a little bit. No, they're pretty disinterals. Like, it's like, I keep seeing these articles where it's like you. Like, Ukraine repels these forces. in certain parts of Russia, like,

this might be the tide of the war shifting. I hope it is, but, like, you gotta imagine Russia's like, I don't know. Is everything fake? Especially to have, like, a thousand troops in the whole army. That's probably not.

I mean, those numbers. It's got to be at least 10,000, right? Yeah. What's my point? Supreme Court. Also, the other thing is, like, people, I do feel like this is one of those things that only the right bitch is about.

Like, like, politicians have protesters in front of their homes a lot of, a lot of times. Like, I, I, I remember reading, like, several stories, like, over the past year or two about, like, Democratic politicians in New York having people in front of their house because people didn't like what they were doing, you know, or didn't like what they weren't doing, you know? Weren't doing? Oh, right, yeah. Like, and, and, but it does seem to be, like, the right, bitch was about this kind of thing. because, and I think it's because, like, the right is way more into this idea of, like, I do hear the left. Your home is your castle.

I have heard her a lot of less people bitching about protesters at those clinics that we can't mention. Because of the Duggan Hines thing. Yeah. Right, right. But when people would go to those unnamed, you know, clinics of any kind and start, like, you know, throwing rocks at women and telling them, don't, don't do this thing that we can't mention. Right. you know the left whined about that of it oh no look look the left whines about right-wing people I'm just saying the right so I was being facetious yeah but I would say yeah the right it's not a direct

parallel no no look I think arguably it is like it is kind of dumb I don't think harassing like 16-year-old girls who go into a clinic of any kind and uh look I don't think it's the same as like you know just is hanging out of Brett Kavanaugh on his house while you know me neither shotguns a six-pack and watch his old episodes of fucking matlock yeah wherever he does yeah the what he does for fun the pregnant teen and kept breck cavano don't have like the same amount of power in society i think you could say safely you can say you know the white man he's actually has less power you know what i mean uh uh what do you what do i think he does for fun yeah besides uh

beer i like beer i like beer you like beer ray i'm not a big fan of beer i mean i like uh i like what's the one i like what's the one i like that's a nice one i like all these ipas and shit you drink disgust me i really have a white claw people say white claws are like for the long long island bitches uh just dumb airheads just dumb pieces of garbage but i like them they're refreshing and they don't, you know, weigh you down. Hmm. I feel like he's a, I feel like Brett Kavanaugh is the kind of guy who, like, looks into his neighbor's yard a lot. Maybe that's why they're protesting him.

You think he's purely political. You think he's peeping on the wives or his neighbors? I just think he's the kind of guy. How deep of a tunnel? Maybe his neighbor is, like, working on a deck extension. Portico. Yeah, and he's just one of those guys who, like, he's just spying on them just, like, seeing how big they make it and like and comparing it directly to like the local codes

and it's like if they go an inch over you know in the supreme court right yeah I mean I don't fuck you don't know I mean I'm a judge I can talk to the zoning board you think you think he risks his like you know uh potentially get impeached from his lifetime appointment but like just frightening a guy directly like I'll talk to the zoning board and like tell him I'll bring I'll tell him I'll tell him I'll tell him I'll tell him I'll tell him Supreme Court will bring a whole this fury down on you if you don't remove his portico

I mean I picture him digging tunnels like under his neighbor's yards so we can stare up at women's you know legs and panties yeah you think he's that you think he's that guy I think you think he likes the idea of like he knowing that he's a Supreme Court justice one of the most powerful people in the world you know in the country in the world you know and I'm just like

he's doing it he's digging because this is a new trend apparently of men doing like amateur tunnels is the thing now really yes and they and uh i've seen it online i've seen people and whatever uh the point is he's doing it and he's all and just to stare at these women and he's not unself aware he the whole time he's just like oh my this is so insane i'm a supreme court justice he's doing this and he just feel it's exciting to him like he's like i can't like i'm getting away with this i shouldn't be allowed to do this you know yeah and like you know he's drinking he's just he's got like beer you know shafers beers he's just pouring him

down his throat but he's digging a tunnel he's just digging the little holes you know up top to see where he is yeah he's got a little like you know toilet paper roll or whatever paper towel roll he sticks up like a periscope yeah do you think uh he had anything to do with ginsberg's death i mean is that is that okay to speculate about i have no reason to think he did but it's just so needed to speculate about because she was so aggressively old. Yeah. It's so not believable that she would die of anything other than being old. Right.

Like what was the course of death? Like was it just like her skin fell off? Right. Her pancreas just like, you know, collapsed. Yeah. The dust that her eyes just skull is dust. Anyway. Uh, but you know, maybe just he just did that thing like a house of cards where he throws

it under stairs. Yeah. uh oh yeah it could be it could be so um anyway but people are upset about the protests i think it's fine i mean how how much do you want people can't you know they're eating out of toilets and they can't mention you know what kind of clinics they're talking about for fear of duncan hines and like you're mad about a little protests at your house yeah you know tell you why get one of the automatic garage openers. No, it's just like...

Do you imagine if he drove over a protester? Like I did, Charlottesville, but it was Cavanaugh, the Supreme Court justice? Oh, my God. I mean, you think he'd get away with it? I don't think... I would like to think he wouldn't be allowed on the Supreme Court anymore, but I don't think he would, like, go to prison.

I mean, I'm just pictured inside. And they're actually, they were already, like, they're moving out of his way, but he just, like, he stopped. He's a congen on the horn And they just start Like moving like slowly It's a big bunch of people

And he's just fuck this And he's And he's And uh It's not even political hatred It's just pure drunken road I mean look honestly It's not

The only thing for affection about it Is that he is a Supreme Court justice Yeah These things happen Sure This is done to protesters And uh I mean how dignified is that guy

Brack Kavanaugh? Yeah, but I don't think it's not at all. Maybe the most historically undignified. He seems like, you know. And what's his name was supposedly showing porn to Anita Hill? So like it's kind of a high bar to clear. Right.

But probably historically the most undignified justice. Wasn't there a pub on a Coke can? How did that happen? Clarence Tom. Didn't they bring that in the court and say just a Coke can that had the pub on it? Did he do that to her? Like he put a pub on her coat can?

Well, I think it was. do that that seems really is he that big that just seems crazy well apparently he was like showing her porn at work and stuff like what's one thing to be like hey come over here look at this guy fucking this girl in the ass it's one thing

but if I mean to take literally to grab one of your old pubs and like pull it out really I think the the pub thing is less severe is less severe and I know we need a jingle for when Lucy has hot take because this is a

This is insane. I want people to just take a moment and realize how the bar that Lucy has set for herself to cover. Yeah, the clear. The clear is just seemingly insurmountable. Please explain to me how showing someone a piece of pornography is more severe than putting a pub on their coat can. That's remember these are both happening in the workplace, right? Sure. So that's assuming the scenario.

And the workplace is the Supreme Court? Oh, no, it was a federal court. Federal court, yeah. So let's say, that's to take as an assumption that it's like kind of a toxic work environment, right, already. Like things that shouldn't be happening are happening. Sure. Right? I could see a scenario where Clarence Thomas cuts a little bit of his pubs off, puts it on a Coke can,

and say leaves it in the break room intending for a male coworker who he kind of shares a toxic sense of humor with to, to come in, see the can, see the pub, and be like, oh, ha ha, you got me, man. Okay. And then in a twist, I need a hill comes in. Hold on, hold on. I want you to realize the position that you put yourself into. What were you? Was it 1989 or something?

1990. Something like that. Yeah. So you're that, like, you know, upstart. There were as many female senators back then, right? So you're like, but you're the female senator who hears all this testimony. of Miss Hill I want to apologize

on behalf of my colleagues I don't think you're lying I think it's wrong to assume that but would you entertain this thought experiment here perhaps and then you explain your you know your far-fetched story what if he was just

had a silly relationship with a male counterpart when they like to prank each other right and so he put his pubs on Coke cans. Back to Lou. So that still doesn't explain how it ended up on her Coke can.

Well, look, Coke cans come from a common area usually. And that's the machine or the break room, right? And he rigged the machine, like, got in there, like, put his pubs in there. He does every day, hoping that someone will get pubs. And I'm like, and then see the pub.

And I'm like, hey, this is your pub? And he finally be able to go, yes, and they'd laugh. This is insane. I'm imagining kind of a mini fridge in a break room And maybe there's a Coke You know that somebody's just taken out But it's not open yet And Clarence Thomas kind of sneaks in like the hamburger

Yeah And puts his pubs on the Coke can Every day Not every day just on this day In which he assumed his male colleague Who they prank each other Would be grabbing that Coke can How's that a prank?

So he grabbed the Coke can and go oh you almost drink you go oh shit what is that is that that's a pub and he comes over to clarence hey clarence this yours they laugh you got me and they laugh you think that's important like that whole scenario makes more sense to you than like some guy who's just getting borned up it doesn't make more sense to me okay i'm just saying i could see a forgiving a somewhat a more forgivable version of that story than just blatantly asking your inferior or your, what do you call it? Subordinate. Subordinate.

To come over and look at your laptop because there's porn on it. Well, look, I mean, in order for it to be less severe, the only thing that makes it less severe is that because you, as a strange, like, you know, woman betraying Semeter, has, like, injected that kind of poison pill or whatever you, that, what's that term for, like, when you just kind of, well, maybe this happened. And, like, you know, you're like Johnny Cockard out there creating these weird scenarios.

And, like, yeah, like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's only, it's not better. It's only more deniable for you as he, as a Judas Ascariate women's senator. No, if anything, I would be, I would be the smart, crafty prosecutor of Clarence Thomas, where I would be like, look, there are some of these scenarios where we could perhaps chalk it up to some jocular attitudes between the male co-workers that Anita, Hill just happened to stumble in on. But in what scenario is showing your female subordinate pornography a jocular or could in any way being, be interpreted? You're going to get ADA, an assistant district attorney? Yeah, exactly.

I'm a district attorney. Yeah. Ms. Lucy come in. Yeah, sure. I'm doing great out there, right? You lost the case. Do you want to know when you've lost the case of this Clarence Thomas thing?

Okay. It's when you created a fantastical and elaborate scenario to take the blame off of Clarence Thomas putting pubes on Lillian Hill's Coke can. No, no, I wasn't taking the blame off of him. I was trying to, I was trying to lean into their, into their argument. The jury believed your story. Like tug-of-war. The jury believed your version that you told them. They think he was just doing pranks.

Yeah. Yeah, I asked them all afterwards, they said, oh, well, the prosecutor said he was a prankster. Yeah, but I really hit him on the porn thing, right? They forgot about that because, I mean, the real visceral thing here was the puve on the Coke can. It's so weird. It's so out of left field. It really grabs the imagination. The porn thing is not, you know, correct, but this is the, the pub thing, they didn't go home and tell their family, I'm on the fucking porn trial.

I'm on the Coke can pupe trial. Uh, and that's what, that's what is really hinged on. And when you, so you, you lost the case because of your craziness. I want you to know that. Um, anyway, apparently Susan Collins. Who is Susan Collins? She's like a pro-choice Republican, I think. Is she?

Yeah, I think so. But she, she chose that you. Or maybe she ran on a pro-choice, a more pro-choice platform or something. She called the cops because someone. left the message. Let me bring this article up. I'm going to bring up. Because someone chalked a message out of her house.

Susan Collins calls the cops over a polite abortion message. Chalked outside of her home. A Republican, U.S. senator called local police to investigate a pro Duncan Heinz's forbidden right, but otherwise harmless message written in chalk in front of her home, according to authorities. The main senator Susan. Wait, like sidewalk chalk? Yeah, I guess.

I mean, well, you know. Dumb bitch. Who? Susan Collins. Oh, yeah. No, the cops came and said, like, it's not crime. What do you think, say? It said, uh, intrinsic, intrinsic, intrinsic, intricately drawn and non-threatening.

Susie, please, Mainers want WHPA, vote yes, clean up your mess. Wait, really? That's the message? That she called the cops. There isn't even. wow and she and she ordered the cops to shoot um whoever they found i don't i guess look you you you you do have to like worry like that like you know i could see myself writing that not me i would never do anything but i could see someone

writing that and then you know showing up later with a hatchet and cutting her in like you know killing a dog you know yeah um you got cutting your bases, I guess. What? You think you shouldn't call the cops? What should she have done? Just got a hose? Yeah, I guess if you just hose down the chalk,

where does it end? Your color, you're nice, probably this is a nice area. It's just colored chalk and it's going to make that smear it makes when you put a hose on it. I'm guessing this is an area

where they don't allow children. Because sidewalk chalk is pretty popular. Yeah, there's probably a lot of children when she, I don't think she lives in a, I don't think she lives

in a fucking, uh, like, like, was the place like, uh, was that place that like sex people go to?

Uh, erotic, the erotic, uh, club beds. The people live there? Well, it is a resort for sex swingers.

Oh, okay. I don't think she lives in a condo in the middle of a sex ring resort. Now I just imagine her living. Where are children not allowed to live? We talk them about. I just imagine her living.

living in like a gated community full of like childless old people. She probably lives like a nice house because she's a senator and she makes tons of money that you shouldn't have. They could have nice houses in a community. Not like that. Look, no one who makes a lot of money wants to live in a, like my grandparents had a place.

There was like a night. It was a house thing, but like, you know, yeah, like we were described, but they didn't have the money. The senators have money.

They want children around. It's a sign of affluence. I'm just saying sidewall. Kids like sidewalks. I still see. grandkids because I'm a successful senator and you're just some fucking schmuck who worked for the deli you know that's that kind of gimmick i i get i get there church that church i i i assume she's that brother of church she goes to screaming at someone because they fucking you know

Susan Collins got mad because you know this kid was grabbing a eucharist and uh and not eating he's playing with it right just tell your kids to put that out away put it in their mouth and throw it out and then they what I'm not following this I'm saying as you got into a little fight with someone to her church to my point and she just started going

you're some deli bitch yeah I'm a fucking senator you were gonna fucking deli sure what's my point here I don't know oh and she then she brags I can still see my grandkids because I have fucking I have money for the record i also think susan collins lives in a neighborhood with children right i agree on that probably fact but uh are you saying you have to appease me um but yeah it's just like it's just

anything to not talk about the actual thing itself don't say the word yeah it's anything to not talk about the topic that has been censored by duncan hind We're going to lose $6, if you say the word. It's just like, oh, well, this person's now experiencing, like, predictable political consequences for making a decision that divides the whole country. You know, like. The situation is a real abortion, yes. Anyway. What else we got?

Teens are having a mental health crisis, you were telling me? Yes. Explain this to me, please. Apparently, I've been reading about it now for weeks in the papers. Mad magazine? Yeah, apparently all the teens are going mad. What? That pun?

no it's just a stupid response saying two words saying this same word two times in a row is not isn't a pun go on anyway teens are having a mental health crisis yes they're very upset

I was actually I was reading a New York Times article about it that got really weird really fast um but I don't know have you really not heard about this I mean teens are just whining in general that's true they're always going ah I'm gonna kill myself

oh love me love me I need give me everything oh nothing's gonna work the girl I like thinks I'm a fuck I kill dogs and like why'd you think that because she saw me hitting the dog once I'm like

well I mean like if I was my kid I'd be like well something you know look you sure shouldn't hit dogs that's for one two if you're going to don't hit him in front of girls you like uh i didn't know she was there well yeah look around first before you hit a dog make sure know what the girl you like isn't looking at you and three i just move up this is no you're not going to win her over now yeah you've already hit the dog in front of her right so this is the kind of kids have or like or like my parents are on drugs they beat me things like that right but apparently suicides are going

up self-harm i mean uh have they tried going to church maybe not yeah church is great for that kind of thing church will um maybe it's the drugs aren't as good these days they're like smithed out on you know fed beans it's not cool to smoke pot now when people still do it but like it's not like you get to drive around a firebird and listen to aerosmith like in the beginning of uh days of confused you know right it's not let zeppelin it's just like you know it's carty b and and the the guys from room 5 there's nothing there's nothing cool anymore the jacket's cool but we look at you want to hear about the story i was vamping yes tell me about these real problems so okay so this is like the first

three paragraphs of this article oh one evening last april an anxious and free spirited 13 year old girl those words kind of contradict each other but okay isn't anxious aren't anxious and free-spirited kind of the opposite of one another i mean no i think angi like i'm too anxious to like you know follow any social norms so people call me free-spirited but i'm really schizophrenic fair enough uh in suburban minneapolis sprang furious from a chair in the living room and ran from the house out a sliding door across the patio through the backyard and into the woods Moments earlier, the girl's mother, Linda, had stolen a look at her daughter's smartphone.

Stolen, oh, wow, wow, what a creep. Yeah. The teenager, incensed by the intrusion, had grabbed the phone and fled. Yeah. Linda was alarmed by photos she had seen on the phone. Some showed blood on M's, that's the teen's, you know, acronym. Why she's taking pictures of her blood?

Some showed blood on M's ankles from intentional self-harm. Others were close-ups of M's romantic obsession, The anime character, Genocide Jack, a brunette girl with a long red tongue who, in a video series, kills high school classmates with scissors. I feel like one of those things is more important than the other. Like, the anime. Well, the anime caused it, probably. I don't know. I like this idea that, like, content never gets people to do stuff, ever.

Yeah, but that sounds cool. If I were a teen girl, I would be into that. Yeah, I don't know. But it's also, like, the lines of reality are blurring. I mean, I'm never going to believe it never happens. I mean, I know what the studies say, like, you know, people who, like, play violent video games never do anything. But I don't know.

It just seems like there's got to be a certain class of people who do crazy things who are, like, you know, just like a... I'm just saying, but it's like we don't even have to question, oh, is this going to cause this girl the self-harm? Because there's already pictures of her cutting her ankles. Maybe she got the idea from the anime, because, you know, what was the name? Yeah, but like, it's like... Betty, Betty, Becliffe? It already happens. So one of these things is clearly more important.

If you kill the enemy, maybe she'll cut out and hurt yourself. And why's you taking pictures? That's the thing. She's doing for, like, you know. Oh, yeah. I mean, look, people.

People take pictures. It's like, but that's like putting a news story on going like, imagine that I'm not going to put a news on your neck on the garage and taking a picture. Your wife going, I might do this. I don't know.

I mean, I think some. Come back to. me wrong look at this i think some forms of self-harm are more like uh kind of like intriguing like potentially intriguing to others than than some right like if you're bulimic like nobody wants to see a picture of your vomit covered toilet that seems if i was a young girl that'd be mistake i would make yeah my cry for help would be like i'd wear like a vomit covered shirt like i you know dried vomit on my shirt but that's how i would seek attention not by sending my crush pictures of my bloody ankles by wearing a vomit shirt yeah to like you know the teen

dance yeah and they wouldn't let me they wouldn't let me in they go he's coming about she she's got her vomit yeah and they go you know it's like don't worry about it's not your problem I would have any good response I'm like don't why you worry about it I was like it was a kid that I was just like no matter I would have any kind of like you know would he response to it like ask me that's me now come with me as you i'm like i'm saying if i'm wearing a vomit shirt just show how much i've evolved uh hey you're covered in vomit what do you make like 10 grand a year go fuck yourself you tell me i can't wear a vomit shirt you like don't they like make you like you know not mention like the holocaust anymore and you just let them you're still

a teacher even though they won't let you like mention slavery you wear my vomit shirt go make a 10 grand here somewhere else. Ah, my face. That's what I would say. But the kid, this kid can't. Are you following this? Following what?

What we're talking about? Yeah, I am. I'm not. Oh, kids are depressed. What do you think, whatever, what do you think would help with the teen

mental health crisis? How would you fix it? Just make them get married. Make them get married. I mean, look. To each other? What do they want? They marry a fucking, you know,

a guy. or a girl or they can become trans but they have to get married Yeah What if like you know we just I mean technically it's allowed Or not technically I mean it's allowed It's legal

But I mean What if we gave all the rights to everyone The bathrooms Can't say anything bad You know right like all that shit What the trans people want Job equality stuff That kind of comes up I guess

jobs everything you can think of them being able to compete in like sports you can play in the NBA you can play against lebrown james but you all have to get like i'm not saying just transit everyone and like women can you know uh women can uh be coal miners whatever i don't know whatever everyone can do everything i think women could already be coal miners i mean where are they then uh i'm sorry if you listen to us and you're a woman call minor you know reach out we love to hear from you but my point is Everyone gets everything, but you have to get married. Does that fix America? Um, suppose I'm wanting to arrange marriage.

Not a range, but like, it's just, you have, like, it's kind of like when you have to pick a partner and top chef, you know? And like, you know, you can't, like, you're not going to, you can't just do it by yourself. What do we do to the teens you refuse to pick? Put him in jail. I mean, this is, look, you can't have. you have to do something and not have the other thing. Yeah, I mean, that's the implication you go to jail. I don't want that.

So get married to anything, anyone, not things. I'm just saying could have fixed the mental health crisis in this country. If we force people to like, you know, and look, there's not a lot of houses left, but maybe we can get trailers. We can build a lot of trailers, maybe in the woods. Or like Arizona, perhaps. but you all get to live somewhere with someone who, you know, is your partner. Right.

Come on, me halfway with you. Yeah, no, I could see that. I could see that working. What are the downsides? I think the downsides are when people are forced into partnerships. Right. That can actually accelerate depression and things like that. I don't know if it would really, I think it would cure a certain amount of,

a cure a certain amount of disorder, but not necessarily the feelings of... You would cure some disorder? Yeah. The feelings... I'm not sold to that, but... Well, the feelings of chaos, but...

Sure. It wouldn't necessarily cure the depression. So you'd be someone who hates her new partner. I don't want to be married. I'm the state-mandated marriage deputy. Okay, I don't want to be married. I don't like this person. I...

You picked them. You agreed to him. Well, you told me if I didn't pick someone, I'd go to jail. Right, well, I mean... Yeah, look, I mean, not you particularly, everyone. those rules apply to everyone why did you pick such a shitty partner what's wrong i don't know what is the man's a woman i'm 14 no one said 14 i said 16 i said i said i mean i was 18 18 really 18 well by that point

people are trying to figure their shit out but if you know you're gonna have me be married it's it's been fine it's 14 year olds who are there's got these people go no one's ever going to love me well you're forced to have someone oh okay got it got it's it's it's it's the it's the it's the it's the the end of the tunnel. Look, I was never a trouble. What if you're forced? Sorry, go ahead. I was never troubled as a kid.

I actually was enjoying my freedom as a young person. Yeah. I was popular and I was looking forward to you. I'm sure you, I'm sure you love wielding your power over the, the girls who weren't popular, throwing shit in their hair. No, I was very nice. I was actually, I was actually voted the nicest person in school. Your, your presence, you're fucking, you know, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're

charmed existence made other people feel bad and they cut themselves in the ankles and then they took pictures of it and they watched animators about killing people like you i i started a mental health outreach group what is that it's just that's just a resume padder so you can go to fucking you know you go to pace university yeah you're right but uh but anyway i look i don't want to this guy's weird i don't know like four years ago he seemed like an okay choice to kill him I'm allowed to do that I mean just don't get caught we want me to do

I make fucking 30 grand a year so we're going to rely on a the teachers make 10 I make 30 so we're going to rely on on spousal murder to kind of smooth out the kinks in the system I mean try some try to make it work and then whatever I don't care

I'm not going to arrest you unless you rub my face of it you're the Tim Gun of forced child marriage. Tim Gunn? Tim Gunn. Project Runway. You just quoted him.

Make it work. That was his big phrase. That was someone's big phrase. The guy from private way, make it work. Make it work. That's just like someone. That's not even like, this is going like, hey, you see some bum on the street.

You know, hey, make it work. You give me, give him like a dollar. You go, hey, figure it out. I should be a, I should have a show like that where I just, tell homeless people to improve their lives and throw money of them just like Tim Gunn thanks so much for doing again

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