Kump - 11 - These Planes Are Too Safe

Episode Date: March 22, 2019

In a very special shorter episode, Ray goes off about being accosted in bathrooms, and lays out his plans to fix the airline industry by making it less safe.

This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, Prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail-biting novel from time to time, with services like Prime Video, Amazon music, and fast-free delivery, Prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to learn more. Welcome to Kump. This is going to be a shortened podcast, a lot of technical issues.

Look, here's the deal. We're launching a new podcast this week. Me and Lucy Steiner, our love is disgusting. The new episode is out on iTunes and all sorts of platforms. It should be now. It might, you know, the whole approval process. I try to do it a week out, and I think we put a promo like a minute long day. Whatever, it didn't necessarily take.

you're staying longer than it took for comp to get approved and that took a while so the point is this one's a little bit shorter as you can see but uh we're gonna be back i'm i got a new workflow i'm working on uh to do these more uh efficiently and just kind of better better for everyone so you know bear with me this is still an episode this funny stuff happens uh we'll get back on it so just you know enjoy uh don't don't give me it's not gonna be people ask me on um fucking instagram for 90 minute episodes yeah we'll get there, but you know, this is not it. So enjoy. Hello, welcome to the newest episode of come. Thanks for joining me. I do not have Lucy Steiner with me. That is the different show now. You

can check us out on our love is disgusting it's our new podcast it should be dropping friday if you want to take part in the show get excited uh you can give me suggestions because i'm making my first asmr video if you're not familiar with asmr is it's one of those things where weird creepy attractive people talk very softly they talk softly into the mic not like this at all it's especially very soothing. You can see where it's going. So what I want is from you, you can tweet at me or Instagram at me at Ray. Probably better to tweet.

I don't know. But do both. Follow me on both. At Ray Kump, suggestions for things I can touch. Now, these objects, of course, not people, you know, jiggling loose change. And then they pet furry things in these videos. You can be a part of it, be a part of the sensation. it's a kind of a fetish thing I think

or some people just respond to the frequency I don't understand how it works maybe I'll lay in a clip here of an ASMR video maybe not you know like maybe I'll start making more interactive goddamn podcast with more media spliced in you wouldn't even know the difference

it's like an NPR I hate NPR by the way I want to go on record I find the whole thing abrasive I find them unsoothing I think they're supposed to be pleasing to the ears

I find them to be smug their arrogant pricks I never listen to cereal I tried listening to cereal and these fuckers I just fucking I don't want to call her a bitch because that seems sexist

but just terrible broadcaster I remember her name I hated it every just hey well this is a quirky thing I was looking into this and I found on a calendar or that March actually means. Who gives a shit?

Let's get to the point, just mumbling and babbling. If it was me, people would say you're a slob. You should kill yourself. You know, I get those messages. I get the messages from Cincinnati Benjamin telling me, why don't you just get a gun so you can shoot yourself in the face. I live in New York City.

I can't have a gun Cincinnati Benjamin, all right? Fucking nooses and what a little shit. And it's like, you know, maybe I could do that. But I'm not going to. But does she get that? Probably because she's the, woman on in you know famous but not for that reason and uh i hate the whole thing and apparently HBO has made some thing that's a bunked everything she did so was sarah honing is that were

conig or i don't know sandrew doesn't matter point is uh terrible terrible goddamn uh broadcast and uh i don't like mpr in general i don't like the whole like we're gonna take it through this I have a roommate who's like, you know, let's just, you know, let's call him a roommate who lives in the, you know, the same apartment, whatever. And I hear he's fucking, these walls are super thin. And he fucking watches Bill Maher. I mean, Bill Maher's fine. He comes at me acting like fucking, he's some intellectual. He's really just a moron.

And he fucking, you know, just, there's always, he's one of these guys who, like, discovered politics at 30. I think he's going to fucking talk to me about shit. I didn't have mucks since I was fucking, you know, I don't know, 14. It doesn't make me a genius, but I'm not going to listen to some slob who fucking bring up the Gulag Archibelago, and he's like, oh, this is the fucking, you who know about that because of Jordan Peterson? And they're like, no slob, all right? I knew about books.

I mean, I've read everything. I'm going to wear the books out there. I'd have to have Jordan Peterson telling me to read them, you fucking maniac. And I think he's like a liberal, but he thinks Jordan Peterson's great. And it's like, I'm not here to bash everything Peterson does. But, like, just fucking have it now. It's a goddamn discretion. Intellectual discretion, you fucking

just idiot. You fucking making beats all the time, cooking your beats. And you're fucking telling me, trying to tell me what's up about Soljaniskin. It's like, fuck off. Go read a book, you fucking. Oh, God, you know, kick your father into the belly of a whale.

And then fucking fuck your father. You go fuck your father in the belly of a whale. Make love to your father. I don't know the fuck that guy is talking about. Western civilization, it's fine, but, like, I got here as Canadian fucking tell me about, like, you know, what it is where it takes to be a man? Listen to Beowulf. What can I be a man? Like, that guy's a fucking, what?

He's he could take me with his fucking predator diet, it's fucking just compacted shit. He's got all he does is eat meat at the age of 50. You know his shit's compacted. He's not even eating greens. He's just taking these fucking hard goddamn, you know, Greek and myth, the hard shits. He's fucking just these black putrid fucking. He's taking like, you know, peptobismal probably because he fucking eats too much ribs. He's like, yeah, that's the kind of our diet.

And I'm like, here's my daughter's fucking autism or whatever. Did you have autism? I don't remember. What's the thing? What's the other thing is the seizures? Who has seizures? Epilepsy. I think, I don't know if a cure is those epilepsy or not.

But this is the kind of shit he talks about. and this is the guy who I'm going to listen to about literature, like maybe because you can suggest a book, but this is my point this roommate, he listens to a fucking NPR all day and they hear this shit

this fucking nonsense about like oh god, there was a radio program about how like the confederate there was conspiracy theorists in the Revolutionary Times and it's because like what was it like

Samuel Adams was like fucking spreading pamphlets like yeah we all know about the fucking pamphlets but stop trying to fucking shoehorn it in with fucking relevant pop culture you fucking this is what you think people can digest say what you will about jordan pearson he doesn't pander to fucking the fucking no i don't we make it more quirky like hamilton let's just make it fucking more quirky and fit into your pop culture paradigm shut up just tell me what the fucking history is i need you to fucking jizzed up for me with your fucking I'm just so sick of what these these know nothing fucking millennial slash who the fuck know gen Xers

who fucking work in this comfortable New York City building problem and they fucking making these like radio edits they live in this bubble of mediocrity

just making this me did you know women used to have their clits cut off it's still happening but you're too obtuse to see

why don't you make a fucking quirky program about a clitoral circumcision you're not you don't do it you don't face the hard facts maybe they do maybe they have a whole fucking series but I get turned off and that's the point I don't like it

I find the whole thing to be just an abrasive encroachment and this guy I'm not trying to slag off Bill Maher but the other he's like listening to him cackling to Bill

you know I like Bill Mar like 15 years ago whatever the fuck he's still like at the end of the day like you're in your 30s and you're still like looking to Bill Maher for

politic. That's the thing. He's not comedian. Even if it was comedian, the guy's a bit smug, but whatever. But, you know, you look into that guy and, like, you listen to, like, you know, Bill, like, you're going to, what? You're going to fucking listen to, uh, what's the guy's? Ben Affleck, tear apart, Sam Harris, as if he's tearing up. You know, like, only,

that's what that show is great for. They got a lunatic of like Sam Harris and have put Ben, fucking Afflegg up against him. And then we go, you're a racist. And I was like, well, even if he is, it's just a weird way to argue. But that's the pitted me of that show. It's just like, we're a racist. I'm Batman. I'm calling you a racist. And it's like, yeah, he's doing racial science. It wasn't a big of elite Batman. But why don't

you qualify your statements a little bit? Because you're a coward. That's why. Because it's cowards attacking racists. And it's just, it's doomed. I mean, I hope this whole, it's a serial thing. It probably won't go under. I really hope it puts NPR on, you know, out of business, but I don't even know how they make money. I mean, the people just donate. This is one of those things that the Helena Rubenstein Foundation just donates to NPR Probably is

I should really look into it We're going to transition The first I got it First of all I'm going to get I had a falafel for lunch A very good falafel But I'm pretty gassy right now

It's reminding me of the last time I had to take a shit in public And by public I mean anywhere but work Because I spent a lot of time at work just shitting That's a good If you're not shitting at work I don't know how you're living I mean what are you afraid of shit

Do you work at a coal mine I mean I feel like coal mines Are a place you can shit the most And you have to crawl through a coal mine You get to your coal But you can probably like shit into a bag And throw that bag into a And some kind of ditch

Or like throw it into a rock You've already picked that So you can kind of like just This is the shit I mean it'll get hard And turn into people Maybe you're afraid You're like end up picking that coal

What you thought was coal It turns out to be shit I don't know My point is take shits at work, but I'm really getting sick of when you shit. I was in a coffee shop the other day. And I am assaulted. I was assaulted in a coffee shop. And I don't know if everyone's going to agree with my use of Norman Clay.

I was assaulted in the bathroom of a coffee shop because I was in there taking a shit, not very long. I wasn't in there for like more than a couple minutes, taking a shit in the morning. They sell coffee Okay, I was cut off in the middle of that Because someone heard me Talking about, screaming about shit And, yeah, so we got, you know, It's been a half hour since that happened

I got stuck into a, not quite nature of meeting But, you know, whatever Point is, you're fucking asking me So I'm sitting in this coffee shop I forget where I was, I'm sitting in this coffee shop And I'm taking a shit as I'm supposed to do they serve you coffee

you're supposed to shit when you drink coffee if you're not shitting when you're drinking coffee there's something wrong with you okay you're supposed to shit so I'm taking a shit

and I get a knock in the goddamn door not even a jiggle I don't know what it makes me more mad if you're jiggling the knob and then knocking or just not what kind of maniac do you have to be to be knocking on the door

while someone's taking a shit or doing whatever I mean, you don't know they're taking this shit. That's your excuse. What are you looking to gain from this? Do you want me to invite you in? Do you want to have a conversation? Be a per...

You try the knob. If the knob is locked, someone's in the toilet. Do you think I died on the toilet in two minutes? Do you think I'm just sitting there decomposing with my fucking pants around my ankles? Shit falling out of my ass. I mean, I've seen plenty of people dying the toilet. That's a weird...

I mean, we can do a little sidebar because, you know, when I worked in the morgue, everyone knows they worked in the morgue, there was a lot of people used to come in, and we'd see the pictures from the scene, because I didn't take the pictures of the scene. I went to come in the morgue. I was told because of the O.J. Simpson trial, I wasn't allowed to go to the scene. Something to do with multiple photographers in a perspective. Anyway, people would die on the toilet all the time, and you'd see them, and they'd be decomposed. There'd be, like, a swamp thing. or like a guy who looks like Incredible Hulk, if the Incredible Hulk's powers was to halfway through transforming just start shitting out of his asshole, all of his organs,

just shitting his organs out of his ass and then dying. It was that kind of Hulk. I'd like to see that in the next Hulk. And I think Mark Ruffalo is still under contract with the Avengers movies, the MCU movies. I know famously Captain America and Iron Man,

and Thor are all done, I think, but Hulk has one more movie, and hopefully that movie can be him going to the toilet, maybe at Black Widow's house, because I think he still has a relationship with Black Widow, you know, Scarlett Johansson, and, you know, in the middle of making love, perhaps,

he can say, oh, that, you know, that Indian food I ate, and that because, you know, it averages, you know, spices, so it makes you shit sometimes. Delicious, I love Indian food, but he grabs his, he grabs his back and says while he's thrusting himself inside of the Black Widow. And he goes, oh, this Indian, this Tika masala, this chicken teakam masala, where his lamb, Rogan gosh, has really made me have to shit. I love you, sweetie, but I'm going to have to, you know, break this love session into two parts, much like the Infinity War and Endgame. This will be part one, and part two will be after I shit, and I'll end to you again.

something romantic like that. So, you know, and then he goes to take a shit, not realizing that he's actually very ill, and he goes onto the toilet, and he starts turning into the Hulk because he's gripping his assholes gripping the shit so hard. And then, you know, the organ meat of his body,

his heart and his lungs, and maybe his dick even, his dick just comes out, like, from, inverts into his body and out his asshole. into the toilet and it's just him and the black widow uh the world-class assassin is hearing this noise if she goes in he goes oh maybe i'll take a bad shit maybe i can help pull the shit out of his ass because she's helpful and she's not squeamish and she's uh shocked and and sadden to

discover that her lover slash business partner slash i guess team member has shit his organs out of himself. Terrible situation. That should be, like, that should be post-end game. We're like, you know, the real end game. I mean, I might make a version of Avengers with that. Maybe Lucy can play Black Widow and I'll be the Hulk. We'll bring this up on our love is disgusting, perhaps.

So we'll do, we have our own little cinematic universe going on in the podcasts, you know, where like this will be a crossover topic where I'm going to finish. I'm going to start it here. And if you want to hear the rest of it, go listen to Our Love is Disgusting, which will be available wherever a podcast are. See, that's cross-promoting an action. Phenomenal. I just started that.

All right. So the point is, back to my thing, the shitting. I mean, like, you know, what do you think of, oh, so people are dying in the morgue old times. They're always dying. They're always being found on the toilet. And I would say, doctor, why is this? Is there some kind of shitting, oh, they all, like, shitting? organ meat out. And like, no, no, it's just that you feel like, oh, no, doc, listen to me.

They're shit in the blood out and their blood gets dinner and they know, no, let me tell you. And they go, do they have something inside? Did they shove something inside their ass? And now it's coming out. And they would say, hey, listen to me, you fat fuck. I'm the doctor. You're a photographer. Just listen to me. And they would tell me that the, no, it's just you feel terrible because all sorts of stuff is happening. And yeah, when, you know, the first thing you think of, I mean, he said, and I agree with it, and maybe you'll disagree. But the first thing you do when you don't feel good is you try to shiv it out. You probably ate something weird, some fucking, you know, circus peanuts, maybe a piece of lint,

a bunch of rusty nails, whatever. You try to shit that out because, you know, it's just inside you. It's toxic, and you're probably trying to get rid of it. And it's a perfectly natural reaction. And then you die in the toilet, you know, struggling. Sometimes you're maybe getting an aneurysm because you're trying to shit too hard. Like the episode of Sopranos with a turkey meat. I don't know.

But most of the time, it's just you having to, you know, you feel terrible and you're in a shit. So they find you dead on the toilet, decompose sometimes with your fucking pants around your ankles. And this is what the people at the coffee shop are perhaps envisioning. But, you know, let me rot. Let my body fucking rot. I don't give you, you know, like what you're, you think is going to start smelling? Yeah, it is going to start smelling. I'm a fat guy.

My fat is all going to turn, render into a black sludge. It's going to sleep through the floorboards. That's going to take, like, you know, a week probably. I mean, at least four or five days. You know, so why don't you fucking get off my back? Be a person. I mean, one time I was in a nothing, I was in a car. What was I?

And there was a McDonald's. I was in McDonald's. And with Tim Dillon, actually. It was a nice little crossover with the old podcast. I mean, McDonald's with Tim Dillon, taking a shit. Maybe I was in there for five minutes. I mean, I take a long shit. I take long luxurious shits when I'm home

I just let it leak out of my ass And then you know I wait for it all kind of just seep out And then wipe you know later I read a book or something But when I'm in public I don't waste time So I'm in there for maximum five minutes I was online for a while

Because the McDonald's and you know You're you're waiting for the bathroom So whatever I was in there for a few minutes And I'm just getting thrashed The noise of the door is thrashing Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba And jiggling the door and I'm like I'll be out in a second

I'm screaming at these people and I'm wiping as fast as I can I get out and Tim is just like Jesus Christ and I'm like yeah I know right like what the fuck were you doing in there I thought he was commiserating with me no he was mad at me

because he said people were trying to you know shoot heroin in the bathroom and they were mad at me but he was against me this is my point like this doesn't be a friend of mine and like he's watching he's there with pitchfork waiting to crucify me. It's like, where am I supposed to shit in this city?

There's no way to shit. It's probably been talking about plenty of times on this podcast, but where in this city are you supposed to shit? You know, there's going to come a time. They think they can just close people out. They think they can just fucking kind of like do like a block by block thing when they did in Singapore or Juliani did where they come up like, we're not cleaning up block by block and like no one's going to be allowed to shit in public.

But the reality is there's going to come a certain point when people are going to start fighting back. Civilized people, and even uncivilized people, they need somewhere to shit. If you're going to fucking remove that basic human decency, that human dignity, and you're going to find, you're going to be walking into stepping into

piles of human shit, because that happened to me and Lucy, I think a New Year's Day or something, or one of those days. We stepped into human shit. She did, or we almost did. It was bad, but also right by her house in Brooklyn. But I mean, you're also going to be

You know, people are going to start riding. I'm not calling for riding. I don't think people should ride, but they're going to burn shit down. They're going to cause trouble because you wanted to get cute with the bathrooms. You wanted to fucking, you know, play games, and it's not going to stand.

At least it's far as I'm concerned. Anyway, is this plane where the Boeing, whatever the fuck, Mac, 770, who the fuck knows numbers? I've been on a plane only once in my life. You probably know that I went to New Orleans in, what year was that, 20, at the end of 2017. That was the first time I've ever been on a plane in my whole goddamn life.

Still, you know, I feel like I have perspective on this situation because this plane, there was a situation where, like, it went down in Kenya and 300 people died, and another one went down recently, both have to do with the software glitch on the new Boeing it's basically the nose the software used like the nose pushing down to compensate for some kind of bullshit

and so the plane crashed and everyone's freaking out and they are talking about how we have to ground all these planes it'll cost so much money and then I hear people say but you know Eric despite this air travel is still the most the safest way to travel

by far of any transportation. And my just initial and, you know, enduring question is why? Why? Why is, if it's that safe, why don't we cut a few fucking corners? Why, why are we, why am I paying $200 to go to fucking New Orleans? Make it, make it 40 bucks. And then if I die, you know, all right. I mean, if I die at the same rate that I'll die in an Uber, that seems fine.

I take Uber's all the time. I'm not expecting to die. Why don't you just get it to the Uber level? Like, you know, one out of every 100 planes crashes and every 200 fatally, I don't know. I'm not a mathematician. I'm not a doctor, but, you know, I feel like our quality, you know, for some people, for some unlucky few, their existence of life will be shortened or wiped out but for the rest of us our quality of life will be vastly improved

I mean you could even if you don't you know make a cost savings I can get a hoagie maybe give me a hokey on a plane I got some like kind of I was in first class because my mom bought the tickets I don't didn't seem that nice honestly like the food was like whatever crab cakes but they weren't that great give me a nice hoagie I'd love a hoagie maybe some peach ice tea

a nice Yerba Mate you've had a Yurba Mata it's like an energy drink that doesn't have caffeine it's made from the Yerba plant put that on the plane and charge me whatever don't charge me for bags

why are we so fixated on keeping everyone alive don't get you know nuts don't you know if you have a nut allergy don't eat nuts but maybe if you have a nut allergy you can fight through it.

I know some of you people are saying, no, you'll go into anaphylactic shock. You'll die. Maybe I'm not a doctor. You know? If you wanted a podcast from a doctor, do that. But, you know, I'm Kump.

This is Ray Kump. I didn't put a doctor in front of my name. I'm not Dr. Oz. I'm not Dr. Drew, all right? I'm not pretending to be a doctor like some people, you know, acting like, you know, I'm Dr. Laura. or I'm a doctorate in philosophy.

I have a doctorate in being dirty. I have my asshole not clean. Then wipe hard enough. That's my doctorate. They don't give doctorates out for that. You probably fake that, though. I mean, I probably could do a doctorate in just anal cleanliness.

That's not going to get me paid, though. But my point is, yeah, just fucking, let's just, you know, maybe we'll get plane, double-decker planes. Why don't have it? Like, they used to have that back in the day, two-story planes. Why don't have it?

casino on a plane? Why not have a circus on a plane? Why don't have a plane where I can like lay from clips that like go into my skin like some kind of S&M thing? Like an S&M plane. But I don't mean like an S&M like a sex cruise. I mean like you just have these various different options of how you want to fly. Maybe you want to have like a boot in your ass. Maybe you want to have gerbils put inside you. Maybe you want to have a big dildo shoved in your mouth. I'm just saying these should be options and if you focus less on safety we could accommodate them like right now everyone's so worried about not dying that like they're not realizing they're not really living you're not really living so stop worrying about dying get a dildo in your mouth and a fucking gerbling

your ass while you're flying and that might be a nicer way to go visit your parents for thanksgiving you know try things out you know it's all common sense so um yeah all right so that's my sound abrupt i don't know if we cut away abruptly uh there's recording these maybe at work maybe not i can't officially say so but um it's a shorter episode uh but i think we had fun um want to thank my patreon followers night shift lifestyle uh david hopstetter diane cage uh there's one other one i know my fucking thing in front of me I'll get you next time, and I really appreciate you guys. Don't like to my Patreon.

Go listen to our love is disgusting. It's a great new first episode. If you don't see it available right away, you know, it's just a technical... By next week, it'll all be... But check back as much as you want, because, you know, as soon as it gets approved, it'll be available on all platforms. And, yeah, enjoy. We'll be back to full-length episodes, you know, next week or whatever.

Just, you know, bear with me, all right? It's a work in progress. We're launching all new things. Don't forget to send me your ASMR suggestions. You know, what you want me to touch during an ASMR video, the noises. You know, get involved. And I'll see you next week. Goodbye.

I don't know. I'm gonna. Thank you.