Kump - 117 - Meat Scams (FIXED)

Episode Date: July 27, 2022

(UPDATED WITH FIXED AUDIO) Ray and Lucie discuss meat scams, fish wounds, The Pope, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your Kump Hand merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. Hello. Hello, Lucy. Hi. How are you? I'm good. Blessed be the Lord and the meat of the Lord. What are you getting into?

What kind of scam are you running here? You want to start a ministry? That would be great. We could run some kind of high-level church scam with the meat scam. Church and meat. Where church meets the meat. We could just be basically the Catholic Church, but we give you meat instead of crackers. Well, I've always said that about the Catholic Church and the whole Eucharist thing.

that like, you know, look, just breast hacks here. The reality is they argue that, well, it's a cracker, but it becomes Jesus during the mass, right, the body of Christ. And I've always said, like, you know, and then they go, oh, well, look, God can do whatever he wants. I'm sure he could. So he could turn this. I believe.

I believe. Amen. So he can turn this into meat, into human flesh, into hair, with the skin, but he doesn't. That's what we do. That's when we come in. We're the new Kitten Town meat party. Wait, that's got a connotation to it, doesn't it? It's not sex.

It's just churches with meat. Yeah. I was thinking more that we'd sell meat. Sell it. That we'd sell, I don't mean like rancid meat, but we sell like, you know, is goat cheaper than beef? It's typically around the world it is. I don't know if I wanted to buy goat, is it actually cheaper in New York? I don't know.

But I know around the world, it's a cheaper. It's like cheaper to produce goats, so it should be. But I don't, where do you buy goat around? I'm sure you can. There's tons of butchers and I was one. We didn't sell goat in my butcher shop. But there's tons of, you know, what people would call ethnic butcher. But I think that just sounds, you know, wrong.

Yeah. Call it indigenous. No, it's not indigenous. I guess at the different sorts of specialty stores or sell specialty meats. I'm not getting canceled over this. All right. We get the woke police out of my church.

Don't, but the goat should be cheaper, right? Sure. So pretend it's beef, though. Oh, yeah. That's how we get brought down. Well, look, I feel like even if you were doing this very ethically and it was high quality meat. It won't be ethical.

That wasn't going to be people said. I don't know what we're going to do, but it won't be ethical. No, but I'm saying even if it was like, great meat that you're selling at a fair price. Yes. I don't think you're not supposed to profit off of your church leadership. Don't. What do you know?

It's your first rodeo? What do you think this is? It's profit free, no, tax-free meat profits. That's what we're going for. We're the only butcher shop that's tax-free because it's blessed meat. Blessed meat. It's like, oh, but this is actually goat. That's the miracle.

it becomes beef when you eat it yeah look it's a it's a great for you to sully my hand in the divinity of the christ child eating meat bring me to one of your secular courts and i will bring down raindrops full of ass i think also another cool thing would be if uh you know for the saints like it's like we i feel like we could make more hay out of the saints we could maybe have like a little nfts or something you know it's like a little gift kind of missed a boat in this one of uh we missed the nfti boat but go ahead of you know like a of a saint with their eyes gouged out screaming you watch too much oz yeah uh too much of HBO's Oz but sure who had their who which saint had their eyes gouged out saint lucy as a matter of fact really yeah what the hell are we talking about here

My grandmother... Do your grandma had her eyes gouged? Yeah. I don't know. Was she actually, like, a beatified or whatever? Or she just had her eyes gathers down. Well, my little French grandmother, who was also named Lucy, had a book that she would always read to me from when I was like a little, little kid. That was called, like, the Lives of the Saints.

Sure. The illustrated lives of the Saints. Right. And it was like the gory and it was just like every other... And she loved showing me the story of St. Lucy. Right. Getting her eyes gouged out. By who?

The Philistines? There was this, like, Portuguese prince who wanted to marry her because of her, like, beautiful eyes. Right. But she was committed to Catholicism. And so she gouged out her eyes and put him on a plate and gave him to the prince. Did she try saying no? What is this? Your grandma, I mean, bless her heart.

That's sick. That's sick stuff. You know what's wrong? So she, and also, like, was she just racist, Lucy? Does she just like Portuguese guys? Well, I think the Portuguese guy was like, you know, another kind of... Like, Brazilian? Religion.

Oh, okay. Like, yeah. He was Protestant or something. Look, you know, do you believe that the Eucharist is a hairy piece of flesh? Well, no, it doesn't seem to make sense to me. Oh, gosh. Eyes gouged. You can't marry.

You could, I wouldn't enforce you. This is very... This can't be at my conscience. I'm just a Portuguese prince. I mean, this is a crazy shit. I can't believe he's gouged. I've got plenty of women. I, you know, we've been dating for a while.

Why didn't you say something else? I just, all I did was to ask you if you wanted to marry. That was the one where it's like, because most of the stories are like, they were just persecuted and St. Peter was crucified. They got set on fire or whatever. Upside down, right? Yeah. It didn't seem that big a deal.

I guess the head rushes to your blood rushes to your head. Yeah, I can't imagine it's pleasant. I mean, being crucified? How do you even crucif- I mean when you realize what crucifixion is because as a kid you think it's like oh you get nailed to a cross and you're dead but then when you're older and you're in Catholic school they teach you no you you sink down you like your arms you have to hold up your body and when you can't hold it up anymore you suffocate does that work upside down or that guy just like hanging there for like having crows pick out of them for two weeks yeah that's a good point

get that book so when your family have that book I think I've been looking at, I'm looking for it for a while on and off. We're going to do a special episode of Alive as the Saints for All Saints Day. There's pictures of women's just tits getting cut off. It's crazy. What? Yeah. This is just porn for like, you know, the late 19th century?

Yeah, kind of. Jeez. Anyway, welcome to the show. We got more church stuff later, I think, but not in there was our meat church, but there's things going on with the Catholic Church. But before we get to that, there are multiple. heat waves spanning the globe apparently do you know much about this a little bit yeah so we talked about you know the patreon about the england one um and we and we talk about how celsius was a stupid uh temperature convention people responded that wasn't apparently Celsius because i was saying

i can't relate to english people dying in the heat because it's always like oh it's 40 degrees yeah the optics of it are bad to me yeah but apparently a hundred is boiling water over there and zero is freezing water. I don't live my life based on water though. All right. So for cooking that sounds nice. I don't we just agree to use it for

cooking. But otherwise I mean like there should be weather and there's just cooking temperature, right? Because boiling water 100 makes sense, right? But like 40 degrees and I'm gonna like you know and I'm gonna dehydrate the death that can be true.

I can't allow that to be my life. Well, I think it's factually true, but it doesn't feel. I can't allow that to be my reality. But apparently we're in the middle of a heat wave. It's hot. I didn't realize it's a heat. How hot is it out there? It's soupy.

It's muggy. I went out for a walk earlier today, and I was a soup. Yeah, you were a soup. You felt soupy when you came back. Yeah. It felt like a can of a little clam chowder. And, no, it was fine. I mean, it smelled like one.

You just felt like one. Yeah. And apparently that's end. and it's going to the northeast heat wave is ending and it's going to the Pacific Northwest. I don't know. It's all over the globe. I have solutions.

Really? Potentially. Why can't we just like inject ice water in the people's veins? Like what would happen? Wouldn't that cool you down? Well, I don't think water is supposed to go in your veins. Whatever an old woman comes to me, she doesn't have an air conditioner, right? And she says, uh, no, about,

Bambino, I was doing my novenas that I passed out and I just like stick her with a needle that's full of really cold water. What happens? Does she die or does she feel great? Look, I doubt she would die, but I don't think it's going to solve her temperature. Why is she coming to me in the first place? You know, you come to me, you get solutions. I mean, that would be the best solutions.

Sometimes putting water near the big veins. helps, or not water, ice. Right. You know, we could make little ice. Maybe we could make little cold scarves. Cold scarves made of what meat? Made of like, you know, packaged ice or whatever, but they're fashionable. Where are we going to get this ice?

We live in, it's not easy to get ice around here. They sell cups of like, like, dixie cups full of ice for like $2 or $3. It's very inefficient. Well, you could get, like, you know, long, you could knit together like long ice packs. What if I? uh get like a bunch of i don't know cold covid vaccines and i just start like but they're cold but they're cold i think all the covid vaccines have to be a little bit cold i don't know how to help people i'm trying to help people but like uh i'm not going to let them into my air-condition

uh unit perhaps i could like um what make people cold getting getting what's disease um well i guess AIDS I guess having the flu you get like kind of cold and hot sweats given the flu give them government what they got COVID weren't we chilly when we got COVID even though we were in the middle of Texas I think I've I had kind of like hot and cold feelings how about we just isn't it good that this BA 515 Johnny 5 is sprinting around anyway I don't know

I was reading this article about this woman who was saving up to get air conditioners for her because you know the heat in Texas and it was trying to make me feel bad because she's kids

and didn't have an air conditioner and I mentioned another job with a custom t-shirt maker really and I couldn't sympathize it I mean what do you think those custom t-shirts say like you know uh were they just like ass gas or grass i mean i don't know maybe get a job at walmart basically yeah that's not that's not that's not

the most reliable trade selling custom t-shirts i mean it's just it was like shirts to say like you know federal uh bitch inspector what's the gay version of that uh federal boy federal ball inspector yeah federal ball inspector yeah that works yeah so you basically think you think this woman is uh maybe taking advantage of the public's compassion sympathy i don't know i mean or maybe just doesn't realize that she has a bad job yeah i mean it's a good economy right like for jobs i'm saying yeah because someone's got to tell this woman that there's jobs now i feel she got this job in 2009 when like you know in the last you know you know recession and she started making t-shirts it says like you know go home nader or something or like you know hey

killery clinton or whatever and then like no one told her to his jobs now you can work other other things besides like like does she just do it is a silk screen silk screen or does she have like are these inkjet printers that like you know you remember you ever have those things iron on things you printed out in a bubble jet printer I think you have a printer. And you ironed it on. There's a picture to your grandma. I mean, I usually wouldn't ask this, but is there, does this woman have a name?

Does she have a site? Can we look at her T-shirts? I will not promote it. I don't know what her T-shirts. They might be, for all I know, they're, they're race hate. You know, it's the middle of Texas. I don't know what they do. You know, God hates this and, you know, fill in the blank.

Yeah. But anyway, this all wraps around. the fact that, you know, it's very hot out. Yeah, and people are, uh, people are going crazy. I mean, have you ever had, uh, have you ever had like sun poisoning or anything like that? I used to go when I was boogie board as a child. I pink buggy boards. Oh, my brother, I went to.

It was a pink boogie board made of, you know, basically like, you know, styrofoam. And, uh, I was terrible at it. I was just, you know, let the water carry me to the sandy beach and get bit by a crab but I would get so burned that my skin would turn bubble up like not just blister but bubble oh jesus to be a bubble this big on my back why didn't someone put sun lotion on you I mean I think we did but we're out the whole day you know whatever you why do you think I always say get the sunblock get the sunblock I'm like we go walk to the deli and I'm like give me some sunblock aren't you German I thought Germans were supposed to tan kind of wear fair skin famously I mean

infamously fair skin. I thought Germans tended to tan a little bit better. Well, I'm a quarter Irish and a quarter Polish. None of this seems like a Mediterranean boy. None of this seems like I'm a, I'm a swarthy, whatever, you know, like Italian or Spanish or Portuguese. It's a word, right? I think so.

Swarthy. Yeah, I mean, no, I have skin that turns to like, you know, alligator. so if I get a reptilian skin in the sun um so yeah what was the point of that no so yeah i i don't do well with that yeah but what about you have a sunstroke i i did i got sun poisoning one time after i went to the beach like in the early morning with friends yeah and um then i went to work after I was like a waitressing job I had Yeah And I just like halfway through my shit

I was like I was beat red Like people pointed it out Right But I was like oh whatever Was you woke and talk Were that wake and bake? Yeah It was like the one time

That I decided I usually don't like consciously Sunbathe or anything No I'm like smoke weed Like get up in the early in the morning Smoking that ganja I think now that you mentioned I think maybe we did have a couple of drinks or something

Yeah you're probably getting drunk in the morning Before you shift just fucking going, we're young, we're full of, full of common guns, guns and gum. Right? And you're just fucking guzzling beers. Well, it wasn't exactly. And you passed out on the beach.

I don't know if it's a fair characterization that I was guzzling beard. Whatever. We've all done it. Yeah, I maybe had a hard seltzer or something. But, but, uh, I just got. You shots of Yeager, the beach. Nice Yeager shot, a nice hot Yeager shot. um just getting that you know just getting tattoos from heroin addicts of the beach guzzling beer

when you get drunk at the beach do you just like as you're laying in the sand just piss right you're like so drunk you're like you do it in the water everyone's like oh yeah my piss and shit in the water when you go to the beach people do that is disgusting this is your perception of me that i'm just some beach scum no you just got really drunk and you and and then you're just like It's the beach. It don't matter because you forget that it's the water you can do that. That's a sin. I didn't get super wasted.

I had like a hard celtzer and I took a nap. Fair enough. Fair enough. I didn't have on the sun. But yeah, about halfway through my shift, I just started feeling really sick. Like really not.

Like honestly, it might be the sickest I've ever felt in my life. Really? Yeah. No, it feels really bad. Yeah. And like it,

and then I apparently, like somebody pointed out of, that I was just turning really pale. Yeah. And like a... When I go to the beach, I cover myself in towels. You've seen this. Yeah.

Yeah. I cocoon myself. I mean, I'll go in the water, but when I'm not in the water, I'm cocooned with towels. Yeah. And that's, you know, you can say it's not sexy or it's not cool.

I thought you were just shy. Yeah, you know, but I'm not... I'm not gonna shit and piss in the sand. That's the, you know, that won't be sexy either. Me just fucking going... Well, it's all right, sand. You can shit, man. No one wants that.

You know, speaking of water and beaches and stuff, you were telling me this story about a woman who has had an incident with a fish. There was a, this fish. I mean, it kind of looks like a swordfish. It's, it's. Yeah, show it on the screen. It's called a sailfish. A sailfish.

It has like one of these. pointy, pointy noses. It's got a very large, like, it's got, it looks like its head is a fin. And it's got a big pointy nose. Yeah. And it looks kind of elegant. They got kind of an elegant shot of it. I think it's disgusting. It looks like a ballerina.

I think it looks like a, like, what you imagine a whale would shit. A whale shit would look like. It's sleek. It's got, it's pointy. I don't like this at all. I would never get stabbed by this thing. But a headline is a 73-year-old woman. A 73-year-old woman? This fish stabbed a 73-year-old woman in the pussy.

Oh, my God. Well, it's not the headline. The headline just says gourd by a hundred-pound sailfish. Yeah, but she got gourd in the pussy. Is it the same pussy? It says groin. They're not going to say pussy, but that's what it is. So you think it was trying to, like, have sex with her?

I mean, why would it dive right at her pussy? Because that's where babies come from. Yeah, no, exactly. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. did she did she live uh yeah that's what did she have to say about the situation um she said you think it felt bad the whole time i don't think it felt nice ever i mean it's a long it's a long

pointy thing maybe at first it felt like oh this is interesting you know i'm an older woman people don't pay attention to me anymore this fish it's just being playful yeah and it's just but then it's like oh no oh no it's not it's not stopping yeah and then it goes inside or like like inside of like organs and a womb terrible very very very violent fish the ocean I've always said the ocean's full of

mystery and death and like children are just murdered in the ocean constantly yeah and like you know it's just it's just not a place for kids it's just people shit in the ocean fish shit in the ocean old women are stabbed in pussies

yeah by fish or otherwise Even the things that can't... I've always said this. Famously, said this. Famously. Even the things that can't kill you are disgusting. And traumatizing. Seweed?

Horseshoe crabs? Did you ever play with horseshoe crabs when you were kids? No, I had toys. I wasn't a rich boy, but we had some toys. I had a few Ghostbusters action figures. I didn't have to play with horseshoe crabs. What are you talking about? My brothers and I, when we were little and we were at the beach,

we would go around finding dead horseshoe crabs. And we'd like flip. them over and just look at me a picture of a horseshoe crab I'm sure I've seen one but no I never like I never tried to kill a kid with a horseshoe crab when I was a kid oh these things yeah they're disgusting yeah they're gross so what are you guys you guys are just fucking like you know use them as as like utensils and eat pudding I mean they're just kind of like cool to look at like like disgusting I wouldn't never want it looks like alien yeah it looks like a face hugger uh you think you think you think lonely boys uh

use those it looks like something you might you know fleshlights yeah it looks like it looks like nature's you know fleshlight I mean I think these things are these little uh legs inside I don't know if they feel good on your penis well and what those legs wouldn't go I mean you'd go on your balls probably I mean do you know how sex works the whole the piece only goes to the one part then the rest of it hugs your balls yeah I mean maybe this like milky center gross I don't feel good

being a part of this this discussion anyway moving on so is there a story here with the woman or is that just it I don't want to denigrate

the story the woman's heritage where this woman's like legacy by just just dismissing her as a that she struggled that she did she kill the fish

did she catch it afterwards did it stab tab her in the pussy and then like swim away and she's not so fast get me some cheese i'm putting it on the line and she casts it into the into the ocean you know those pictures where like the big fish was hanging upside down and someone's pointing to it yeah someone snaps a picture and she's pointing at her pussy is the fish even there yeah okay still like hanging off yeah oh it's inside yeah oh okay so no there's no details here well uh she said the fish

move so fast she did not have time to react yeah you guys you know wait train or something yeah just can't you know old women can't just be allowed to like rot and watch you know murder she wrote or whatever they do my grandma is you know not alive anymore but if she was I would be trained I'd be throwing fish at her every day neither you know you know I'm not gonna like hey here's the fish let me throw your pussy no for grandma but I mean you know you want you grandma have some reaction time right yeah that's true But apparently this is the, apparently this is the fastest fish in the ocean. So she got got by a super friend.

I mean, she should have a gun. Why didn't she have a gun? You think she should have a gun at just a case. Yeah. How did we had to get? Like, did it? How did it? What was she?

On a boat, probably. How did we think about the, the logistics of this. So she's on a boat. Do they just like dive up and then at her pussy or like? so oh okay there actually has a quote on this um lewis and dominick i guess these are the two guys who were kind of in charge of the boat hey i'm going out with louis and dominic we're going to go fishing shut up i'm a grown woman i can do what i want oh lewis has got a great great reel you know what i mean

so lewis he knows how to cast a reel and dominick's there he'll just hold me up she's a real salty broad yeah we're going sorry for him lewis and dominic indicated i think you stabbed me in the pussy dominic dominic pull it out i thought it was dominic at first but it's this fish so louis and dominic indicated the sailfish jumped up out of the water and stabbed katherine in the groin area are we sure are we sure it's a is a fish are we sure Lewis and Dominic they weren't trying to get some insurance money here what happened how would they get insurance money well I mean like they took a policy out

I don't know they thought she died look they stab it like they're not terrible guys they got a little drunk they thought she had cancer and like we're taking what's her name uh katherine why don't we take katherine out on the boat we'll stab a little bit the other fish did it and then when she dies we get the money But they felt bad as soon as they did it. Like they stabbed her in a post. They go, oh, he was, oh, and immediately he had like this like Catholic guilt, Dominic. And he's like, oh, you got stabbed by a fish, a wavefish, right?

It's like a swordfish. Catherine, it's like a swordfish stabbing in the pussy, not me. Yeah, look, that's possible. I love how you need, like, a special category of guilt to feel bad about, stabbing a woman in the pussy with a fish. Catholic guilt is a famous type of guilt. That's true. They're very guilty people.

I went to Catholic school for 12 years. I never felt that guilty about anything. You know, whatever. If I did that, I would, but I would never do that. What Lewis and Dominic might have done. Right. What they might have done. What they allegedly did.

But no one but me is even imagining. But no, so sorry, go ahead. I cut you off. So it jumped out and stabbed her. while she was standing next to the center console of the boat. Oh, you think it was annoyed? Lewis is just like, Catherine, stay drunk, Catherine. Stay away from my center console.

I have a brand new debt finder. I pay $200 for that depth finder. Don't go near it. You had too many white claws, Catherine. And she kept nudging to get knocking. And eventually he just, like, you know, hit her with a knife. And he felt bad. The Catholic guilt.

Oh, okay. This entire time, I was, like, imagining your scenario, but they're still stabbing her with the fish. Oh, really? Yeah. They don't have, like, scaling knife, man. It's a perfect weapon. I mean, walking around, that's a big.

It's not as good as a hammer because, like, you know, if a cop stop you with a hammer, you could be like, I'm going to go build a church. So fuck you, officer. But, I mean, if you're walking around a big fucking, you know, head of a swordfish, yeah, like, what are you doing? I'm going to go get this fish wait for a contest. I mean, maybe.

Yeah, but what's the better weapon after you've murdered someone with it? The fish? Uh, how so? Because when the fish is bloody, you can blame it on the fish. But when the, when that, you can't explain, you can't say I'm going to build a church with this bloody hammer. Wait, so you're going to walk around with a whole swordfish? Yeah.

Crazy. I mean, you're on land. Well, you don't walk around all that. You're on land. You're in the middle of like, what if you're in the middle. you're 10 miles from the shore and you're insinuating some swordfish to stab the guy? Wait, so in

your perfect murder, you're just going to walk around with a murder weapon all day every day? No, the point is the reason it's an effective thing is because like, and people do it. I'm not the guy who invented hammers as a weapon, but the reason is, it's more about, look, when stuff happens, you get rid of the weapon, I imagine. I've never

done this. But I mean, like, the point is but you can get caught. If you won't grab a gun in New York City, I don't know about now. But if you get caught, you go into jail, right? you get caught with a hammer not as much i don't think you can just walk around with a loose hammer in new york said you have to have a tool belt or something you put it on a tool belt you can't walk around a holster and a gun that's true yeah so you have a tool belt you pretend to be like a dip shit contractor whatever handyman i'm the handyman i'm the handyman i'm the janitor i'm the king of

israel whatever you know he's like because he was jesus yeah you're the carpenter sure you know yes he was I know him well he was a kid they call him the king of Israel the king of the Israelites I think is what they call is what you say or king of the Jews I'm honoring the king of the Israel like that um so what's going on of Louis and are they are they scarred well I guess they they I guess Lewis and Dominic saved her um you're you're slandering these men but they're heroes which is imagining scenarios here I mean Lewis Well, heroes

I don't know that makes you a hero When like your elderly friend Get stab in the pussy And you like You like holds them You hold a rag on her Doesn't make you a hero It's a decent thing to do

Unless your man would have just thrown her overboard Oh, I don't touch her You might get the disease What does he The fish might be attracted to your hand This is funny This is like the second to last sentence In the article

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says sailfish quote are known for their fast runs acrobatic jumps and head-shaking attempts to throw a hook this is this guy who wrote this article just really too too into the fish this is he also right there's definitely a theme in this article where they're too into the fish is there also a paragraph they go this fish is a menace it stabs you in the pussy um moving on well starts and prayers to Catherine, hope she's doing well. Yeah.

And I don't know if it's Dominic. You know, they did the right thing. Yeah. As long as they didn't do it. As long as this isn't an elaborate plot. Right. I don't think it is, to be clear. We have a new, for lack of a better term, a new Edward Snowden, a new whistleblower, right?

Yeah. What is their name? Their name is reality winner. why i don't know i don't understand this is this is this is bothering me immensely so there's a reality winner see this is my problem here you can rename yourself call yourself car battery call yourself the duke of duke of ducks but this is like what the guardian yeah reality winner says she leaked on leeks file on Russian election hacking

because quote public was being lied to I mean why why are we just accepting the name the name is what kind of person is this is a man a woman a trans person what is this reality winner

also I knew I know a guy whose last name was winner it's possible to be named winner did their parents name them reality like winter it's possible this is insane i don't know what they leaked i don't know who they are what access they had i will take my chances with big brother i will let you know the milk plus vodka bottle of orange the boys in brave new world the drugs and brave new world you know Emmanuel goldstein and the And thought police.

What else? The Stasi? Yeah. The animal farm. Yeah. All those pigs on the animal farm. Before I listen to anything from someone named Reality Winner. Is that like, look up who is, just Google, who is reality winner?

This is insane. It's a picture of someone in a military uniform. I'm guessing it's a woman. Yeah. It seems like it's a she. A she, okay. So who is she? Does she choose that name?

It's not. Why didn't she change that name? That name is absurd. Also, she looks 10 in all of these pictures. I hate this situation. These whistleblowers keep getting younger and younger. Yeah, no, it's a good point. But like, this is my problem.

Not that, like, Wikipedia has a section where you can look at and go, reality wasn't, you know, it was born this, but change your name for no, for whatever arbitrary reasons. Fair enough. I could go to sleep at, but no one's even, am I the only one who's like, what kind of name is that? Her unique name was selected by her father. Crazy. I can't, the trauma you must have being a reality winner. Was he on Survivor?

Was he on who wants to be a millionaire or Fuck Boy Island? What connection? I mean, that's what we're supposed to assume, right? Um, yeah, I mean, there's no way you could call your kid, your kid that was born in 1991 reality winner and not realize. Wait, that's before reality TV really started, though. That's true. Change it then. I change that name.

I cannot take this. I cannot take that the person I'm supposed to be like, like, like the Benedict Arnold or the, or the, not the bad person. The Paul Revere of the 22nd century is going to be, or 21st century is reality winner. No, pick a name, a real name. I mean, I'd rather take a Lon Musk's, you know, equation name for his kid or Apple. Who's Apple?

That's Gwyneth Paltrow's kid. Apple Paltrow. Bless you. Thank you. This is like, this is simulation shit. This is shit that's just like. Oh, yeah, this is definitely like one of those computers. computer-generated people.

Yes. Reality winner doesn't exist. It's like, it's like, fulcrum spy. Or like, uh, clandestine burger. You know,

like just some weird, it's even weirder though. Because it's like, this is like a reality show now. Yeah. This is a printout. This is a randomly generated Reddit username. Exactly.

Yes. This is a handle. Yeah. Is this their hacker name? I cannot take this. What could they possibly release? What, we already know what Snowden told us? What did reality winner tell us?

I guess she released some stuff on like the Trump, like the Russian hacking. It cares. Yeah, it's kind of like, it's kind of low stakes compared to. If you're going to blow a whistle nowadays, you better know what came before you. You can't just be like, hey, they're still spying. That's not whistle blowing. We need something bigger, right? Yeah.

Kids are being neat, be neat, right? A judge is a judge sings karaoke. Something crazy. You know, we're bombing China and no one knows it. Crazy stuff. It can't just be the Russians and the hacking. Well, this says exactly what it was. It's working for NSA contractor,

Pluribus International Corporation, Winter printed the document labeled top secret that explained how Russian military intelligence officials hacked at least one supplier of voting software and tried to break into more than 100 local election systems before the polls closed in 2016. Yeah, it's like this feels like one of those things where it's like, I'm pretty sure most of the major intelligence.

It's not like they didn't care about the Russian hacking thing. A lot of like the major intelligence organization seem to be pretty invested in it. Right. So it's not like, it's not like war crimes abroad, where it's like actively not only being repressed, but like encouraged overseas. Right. Like it's like, you know, like this just isn't the same. This feels like, this feels like the U.S. government trying to like advertise its own version of Snowden.

Right. You know? Yes, yes. That's a good point. Because why would you? I mean, let's assume all the best about Edward Snowden. I have no particular reason to, like, you know, look, he made, he took his shot, right? I mean, like, people are like, why isn't he criticizing the invasion of Ukraine?

I think he has, but, I mean, even if he didn't, now he's in Moscow. Now, is it possible that Edward Snowden was a Russian spy? Who knows? But, I mean, like, the NSA's leaking shit. We already knew they were doing shit like that, right? So the fact they were doing it wasn't a big surprise. Right. But you look how well it was received.

Not well. they go to Moscow Everstone's in Moscow right They want to arrest him Yeah right No one's the federal government And exonerate him The general population is not like

Oh bring Snowden back No one gives a shit Julian Assange is rotten away In prison No one seems to give a shit about that The people aren't like You know Climering for change based on it

You know It didn't set up a thing A big a big revolution It didn't change I mean the most weak guy Was a little privacy setting on the iPhone. Why would you whistleblow at this point like this?

It seems suss. Yeah. I don't trust it, mostly because of the name, but reality winner. You should have changed your name before you whistleblue. And they could be easily, look, because they won't be a weird blur, like, you know, Sandy Betterfucci. And you'll be reading Wikipedia page, you're like, whoa, it's kind of like, you know, when we met Bill de Blasio, the former mayor of New York City until recently.

And his real name is Wilhelm. Was it, was it for the real name? Oh, yeah. Wilhelm something, the third. It's something crazy. The point is you'd be reading her Wikipedia. Yeah, Warren, Wilhelm. Yeah, Warren.

I am Bill de Blasio. Actually, I'm Warren Wilhelm, the third, junior. My father invented shipping. We ship all sorts of oils and whale oils. No, I'm Bill de Blasio. The same thing. You'll be reading... I'm a direct descendant of the Kaiser.

You'd be reading Sandy Betterfucci's, you know, Wikipedia page, the whistleblower. And you'd be looking at it one day, and I turn to you and go, oh, this is weird. Their name used to be reality winner. What does that mean? But at least it wouldn't be that anymore. Right. And then, of course, you would change it if that was your name.

Yeah, that makes sense. But the fact that they kept that name. crazy stress anything this is just this is just disinformation i'm so on some level this is i mean if you're going to take it if it's that is your real name and you're going to take on the federal government you're going to play the whole optics game the the the information warfare you're to keep that name you're just giving you're seating defeat it's like it's like it's like it's going to a war with a gun man of jelly bullets. Bullets made a jelly.

Stupid. When we do design the gun hand can, it shouldn't be the only option, but can there be an option for jelly bullets? It's, look, it's a problem because maybe he has a grenade launcher that fires jelly. Because that can go on top. But you don't want, like, especially a gun hand, the mechanism. Thinking about what it does to the mechanism. You know, it's going to be gummed up in there.

It's hard to clean jelly. If it dries and, I mean, come on. No, you don't understand guns at all. Jelly. No, I mean, a jelly launcher, maybe, a separate thing. But that's not connected to the barrel of the gun. It goes on top. He's got his own feed.

Right. Anyway. So what's going? So, yeah, I mean, why is it in the news now? Yeah, I'm not sure. Does she just four years ago? Was this something she's leaking now? isn't this old news already yeah i mean maybe she uh why don't you leak something like we want to know

what obama ate for lunch she was sentenced to five years in prison beginning in 2018 well what did you think was gonna happen you saw we've seen what this was this word that and she got an early release in 2021 right last year the judge was just confused by her name yeah we don't know uh which uh gender prison to put you so we're just letting you go. I'm a woman. No, is a reality winner.

This seems like one of those weird names. I feel like you're tricking me. Yeah. All right, so that's, we're just defaming people today. Yeah, we're really,

whatever. Pick a better name. My name's, my name is cump, and people never stop talking about how weird my name is. It's just cump. You know,

it's cump. It's not that crazy. Ray, rake. And people, my name is a point of, uh, they make fun of me per se, but it's just, your name's actually cump? What must this be? Reality winner, the big whistleblower.

Well, good for her ever going to prison. That must have been hard. That, well, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, like, like punching a cop and going, oh, that must, you know, good for her. What? You know what was going to happen. Yeah, but, well, I, I guess that's, supposed to be theoretically more noble what telling us about something no one cares about and why would

like when you like why don't get why is it being leaked is the CIA like secretly letting the russian tack us where they're trying to stop them right i would think that that's the only thing that i don't understand about this leak is that is that like i'm pretty sure most of like like trump didn't have control over all these agencies when he was president like no no president does really Well, you have some control, but, you know, sure. But, yeah, I mean, like, look, I mean, some presidents get killed by these agencies. So, you know. Like, it's like, you know, it's like, I don't know.

It's hard for me to believe that the NSA was like, saw that, like, Russia was trying to hack voting machines and was just like, ah, let it slide. Like I. Sir, sir, sir, sir, I, uh, wait, what, you got some kind of file? I think they just want. Reality, reality, you got some kind of file for me. Reality winner. Come into my office. Oh, hello, sir.

I hear you have some kind of information from me. Yeah, the Russians tried to hack our voting systems during the election. Is that even your name, reality? I can't understand what you're talking about. You're Russians? I know it's an unusual. Isn't the Cold War over? Get out of here.

No one cares. I'm supposed to assume what happens. I mean, I don't think they're like, look, of course they do terrible things, but like, there is a role of intelligence agencies. They don't just go broadcasting every threat. all the time because sometimes it's like you know they know but like they don't want to you know right exactly you know what you know because it's the whole thing maybe you find out like when they broke enigma right back i mean it wasn't the CIA at that point but like you know the big the german code

they just got telling everyone like imagine someone leaked that you know they fucking broke enigma not telling you about it the german's like oh all right you know right right yeah there's a certain amount of like you know subterfuge or whatever right they were engaged in Now, if their leak was, you know, concentration camps exist, they're not telling you about it. That's fair. That should have been the leak, not the enigma. And neither one seemed to happen.

I don't know. Yeah, tell us some more about those, like, toddlers that are in cages or whatever. Get some useful information. Yeah, what are they eating? Yeah. What are they eating? They're getting gogarts? I'd like for them to have some gogarts at least.

Can we make that happen? I want to be the congressman who, like, just tries to make little things happen. Yeah. like ma'am you're ahead of the ice uh yes i am so you have these kids in cages i'm out of here yeah well look people are going to tell you a lot of things about the kids and cages but you know they're this isn't you know they're not it's not a concentration camp no i never say it was i mean it's kind of a concentration camp no i don't really care uh because i was like i mean look these kids are we there's kids they're kids they're kids though right and kids you know i i've noticed about

kids yeah they're like gogert so can we can we can we bother in our cages or concentration camp or whatever can we get them some gogert can we get some funds appropriate i motion have a gogert fund moved gogert yeah it's a tube that you squeeze yogurt into your mouth with so not uh you know a lot of people in congress are trying to get us to use funds for like you know flu shots for when flu season comes to I mean, I don't know how much that cost. I mean, if you want, I'm not trying to stop you from doing that. I would just like them to have a little gogert, you know, maybe once a week.

A little treat. A little gogher treat. Can we do that? We can give each kid half a gogert. Oh, God. This is this fucking, this rat race of a congress. Just get a goddamn gogher, really? You can kill them for all.

How do we get on gogars? You were telling me, or the Pope, we're moving on. Oh, yeah. Reality winner, we wish you the best. The Pope is in Canada. Yes. And they're apologizing, which I think is, it might be a weak move, but we'll see. For, what is this catastrophic school policy in Canada?

Explain this to me a little bit. This was, I'm pretty sure, the U.S. kind of had its own version of this, but Canada apparently had one too where it was these schools where Native American kids were basically like terrorist camps where Native American kids

were basically like forcibly assimilated and look it was the kind of thing where they'd force them to be Christian they'd force them if they started speaking in their native language they'd get beaten there's a lot of sexual abuse Oh that! Yeah That's crazy. Yeah that you should apologize for that

Is Pope Francis doing anything? looks like he's just wearing he just looks like he's just culturally appropriating and well yeah he's used to wearing big hats so that's true yeah what they wonder if they did a little if they joked about that way yeah oh man so francis is here um apparently he was in a wheelchair he left in a wheelchair because he's got a broken knee really yeah uh do you think he's been maybe like you didn't see someone broke his knee he's like maybe like maybe gambling maybe he's doing a little betting gambling yeah maybe he's betting on uh you know like in the vatican betting on like uh the horses or the ponies or baseball i mean are you are is the pope allowed to gamble

pop's not allowed to have sex of children either but whatever i love how you told me earlier you told me like i think the pope's apologizing for like molesting kids no yeah well well whenever i hear like horrific treatment of children yeah in the catholic children that say I'm just like it must be it must be molestation but then it turned out it wasn't molestation but then it turned out there was some molestation involved it does seem like all right so it's like all right it does seem like they had a meeting and it was like i want to apologize for again they probably have made some apologies i think and then put francis like i want to apologize again for the whole scandal where we just fucked so many children and then covered it up

decades decades and they're like no no no you can't do that this is it's not big in the news right now you're gonna bring it back that's not great it's not great PR and he goes all right what's the second worst thing we've done the kids that can apologize for well the name of americans in canada we fucking we made them stop using their language and treat them like shit and we didn't molest them we did a little why do we not molest any kids when's that ever happened Just de-emphasize the part where we molested them. Yeah.

And wear the funny hat. Yeah. It's not funny hats. They're Native American. He's like, Francis, like, it's not funny hats.

It's a ritual headdress. And it's just like, yeah, you know. It'll put in the paper because it'll look, it'll look, they'll think it looks funny. I mean,

why is he wearing the headdress? Because it's supposed to be like a site gig. There's no version of like, I don't know much about these. cultures but i don't think there's a fucking thing in their culture where it's like please wear our sacred headdress and it's a very great honor to us like he's the pope so he's doing it so it's some kind of like kind of honor maybe but though don't tell me that like it's just this is not like supposed to be like a fucking follow-up with a psych gig right it's it's shameful what the pope's doing

by the way i just quickly googled is the pope allowed to gamble yeah and nothing came up but what did come up was apparently the U.S. outlawed gambling on papal elections at one point. Well. People were doing it, so they outlawed it. How often does that happen? Like once every 30 years? Yeah, I mean, I guess maybe. It's papal, by the way, not papal.

You can't pronounce it papal? I don't think so. It's not a chapel. It's a papal. Look, I'm the one wearing the St. Jude. Which one of St. Jude again? Patron state of lost causes. And sick kids, I think.

Or maybe that's just because the hospital's named after him. Uh, you know, my, my favorite saying was St. Anthony. Wait, no, St. Michael. Because he stabbed, he has a spear. He's got a spear and you're stabbing the devil all the time. He would say he was stabbing the devil all the time. Look up St. Michael, the archangel. He's always stabbing the devil with a big spear.

It's fun. I have a big statue. See? Oh, wow. Yeah. See? Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.

Anyway, he's doing a little, like, pirouette while he stabs him. Yeah, he's just all an angel, so he's, you know, kind of weird, flighty. You were telling me about how the Pope, someone's trying to kill the Pope, what happens? Well, this is, this is like an old thing, but, you know, it came up when we were talking about the, uh, this new scandal that he apologized for. apparently there's like kind of a movement in the Catholic Church to I guess whatever the equivalent of it's of impeach is like to impeach or get rid of Pope Francis yeah maybe those are the people who knee capped him but they're like I think they tend to be more like conservative Catholics like they're like super Catholics yeah like okay but they at one point like some of them met with like Alito and Kavanaugh okay okay and like in private like it's like they had like a private meeting with fuck them yeah it was like there was this german princess and like a cardinal and an anti

LGBT person and there was and they plotted to like overthrow the pope well that's kind of what the insinuation of this like story was but like you know I don't know maybe they just talked about what do you I mean what is this pope but what it is funny this pope is not liked by Catholics and all he says is like sometimes gay people don't go to hell and my Catholics lose their mind. Yeah. Like, this is not traditional. It's not traditional.

Sometimes, if a person's trans, we should pray for them. I don't think he even says that. I think he's pretty, like, no, I don't do this. I guess I'm saying. I don't think this church is like, he's just like, you know, don't be racist. Yeah. Or something. Like, what is he actually done?

Why do people hate the Pope? I don't know. Google that. I don't think, why are you allowed to hate the Pope if you're Catholic? Look, they don't always speak emphatically. I think that's the term or maybe it is like the Pope is a weird thing. The Pope can speak, is it emphatically or is it like, or perfectly, there's a term for it. Infallibly.

The Pope can speak infallibly. But that's like I have to declare that. Like it's like the umbrella academy when it's like I heard a rumor that you did this. You have to say I'm speaking emphatically and like, you know, you can't. Why can't he just say I'm speaking emphatically? Don't talk shit about me. like oh don't be talking shit

you might be able to you might be able to you be like Pope the church has been corrupt for many years you probably could say I'm speaking in factually is now a sin to speak against the Pope me yeah and like we'll see how all that works

you know but like why people hate them you find something um I think it's basically because of the you know lukewarm attitude towards gay people. It's just the gay thing? What did he say, though? First of all, aren't like half these cardinals

like having sex with each other and like gay nightclubs? It's a thing. It's a whole thing there. I don't know how much of it is, but there's definitely a hate figure for the far right, but I don't think it's just the far right.

I think Catholics in general, like a lot of them don't like him. On a mountain outside Rome, Steve Bannon's anti-immigrant populism joins forces with Catholic extremists who say, gay plague has infected the Vatican. I think it's gay stuff.

So weird. There's a, I guess some people wear t-shirts and say, Benedict is my Pope. Well, I say, there's people out there who think that the Pope, I mean, there's some book where like, I didn't read it because whatever, but like the Pope didn't, like, he didn't use the right magic words when he resigned, so he's still the Pope. The other Pope was alive.

I don't know what they're doing. this is the worst like this is the worst 50 years for the church i mean you got sex scandals out the ass you got popes just like quitting but then keeping i mean he might have been forced out of the job because of sex scandals who knows why don't they just have a good old fashioned schism what's that mean you know just have a just split up the church they have two catholic churches well okay and what would you call the what would the schism be one can be the delaware catholic church and the roman catholic church yeah what's can be the trad catholic church and one can be the gay catholic church okay which one would be a gay one roman one

the one that francis is pope of okay and then the other pope can go to delaware yeah right because a lot of these corporations that have in delaware because it's like a tax haven domestic tax even so a lot of corporations are based in delaware so the second so the the the the trad catholic church can be in you know the delaware catholic church and then uh now is this one is there any difference in how much pedophilia is allowed? They change that at all? No, no, they're all. That's not a schism.

They're sticking to their guns on that one across the board. So keeping that. They're keeping that. Keeping that. All right. So it's just a matter of like whether or not you like sometimes say gay people are okay. Yeah. Because no one said like in the kid, the Pope Francis was never like it's not a sin.

Yeah. Provinces never said like, I'm cool with it. Right. Like per se. He was just like, hey, just don't like be shitty to him for no reason. Right? Like, he didn't really, he's like, you're still people. They can still be Catholics. You can still get communion, I guess, or whatever.

I don't know. I think his famous line was, who am I to judge? Yeah. I love how that. That's like, who am I to judge? Well, you know, they seem to be, they seem happy. Like, this man is a gay boy. Interesting.

The Delaware Catholic Church. I mean, what would the logo be? um just a black and white flag like instead of a rainbow flag do churches have flags they probably have flags this church would have a flag

look up the flag of the Catholic church I'm sure of the flag oh there is a flag well that's this is the flag of Vatican City this isn't the flag of the Catholic church well look you can't use the crucifix that's too obvious so we'll have a flag well not we I'm not part of it

like they'll have a flag oh i guess it is some i some places saying it's the roman catholic church flag there's two it's two keys that's so weird yeah what it's like a russian nuclear launch thing like yeah he's to do what let's just get out of room anyway um yeah interesting so the popes is he still under is they still go is steve bannon he's looking to overthrow him or is he in jail now, I forget. I think he is a, yeah, I don't know what, I don't know if it's at the top of his priority list right now, but I think if he could overthrow the Pope, he would.

He'd love to just. I mean, who wouldn't, I mean, just for the pure power of it. Look, yeah. I'd overthrow the Pope. Yeah, look for the Cloud alone. Just be, like, what did you do last summer? I overthrew the Pope. Me and a few guys, I wouldn't do it alone,

but me and a few, you know, the team I pan picked, we overthrew the Pope. I think some girl, here's some girl, with some 40-year-old sunbaked girl, like, drunk woman at a fucking Long Island, like, you know, beachside bar. And you're just telling this fucking drunk old bro. And you're like, really? Oh, really? Hey, you want another, you want to the bloody merry?

Sure. I got stabbed in the pussy by a sailfish earlier. Ah, it's still worked on there? Yeah. I don't be wasting my time. You're just slowly, is the plumbing still work? Oh, yeah. Nice.

So anyway, me and my boys. You over through the Pope. You got anything you want to promote? Oh, I don't know. Check out to Patreon. Every Patreon.com slash Rick, an extra episode every week. Also, I will be doing a live podcast with Tim Dillon,

the great Tim Dillon, on August 7th in Long Island at the West Hampton Performing Arts Center. that's the West Hampton Pack on August 7th. You got Tim Dillon Comedy.com to get tickets. It's going to be a lot of fun. To me, it's Tim, it's a podcast, it's live. It's everything. Everything.

Go show up for that. Thank you so much. Thanks for listening. Have a great week. You know, I'm going to be.