Kump - 13 - The Morgue Photoshop Scandal

Episode Date: April 7, 2019

Ray tells the story of how he drew the ire of funeral directors with his photoshop skills, imagines what sort of Navy Seal he would be, and gives some very detailed predictions for Wrestlemania.

The Conjuring Last Rites On September 5th I come down here in your house Array! Array! Array! Array! Array!

The conjuring last rites Only in theater September 5th, where it are. Hello, welcome to Kump. Coming back to you again from this closet. It's feeling a little crap. There's really no way to live. I feel a little cramped.

I feel like I started room the movie room recently I don't know if you guys all saw Bree Larsen where she has to put her kid in the closet while she fucks the guy who keeps her in the imprisoned I feel like that

but like I'm just a cuck in the closet like Lucy's out there getting fucked by whoever some guy and I'm just in the closet and I'm watching a little bit maybe I'm jerking off a bit

you know because it's not my mom it's not really I'm not really a cuck, but, you know, whatever. I'm stuck in the closet anyway. I might as well try to embrace whatever this. So it's in the closet watching my wife or girlfriend get a fuck better than I would fuck around. Maybe worse, because they're really a forceful cucking. Is it really, is that really cucking anymore when someone's, like, doing a bad job?

Fucking, you're like, I can do bad. I, at least I eat a pussy. Neither one of us has a great cop. But I'm, at least I get her to come. What are you doing? And he's just like, sure. Go up, get back in your closet, fat boy. And I'm like,

I'm like, I'm crying in my underwear. It's probably smell. Yeah, I imagine they wouldn't just give me fresh clothes all the time in this scenario. And it's weird. I don't know. This is Al-Qaeda or if the FBI is doing this to me? I wonder if the FBI engages in, like, you know,

humiliation tactics like this. Just like, you know, fucking a guy's wife poorly while he watches. and dirty underwear and just cries I mean this could be my new gimmick I should probably go to them and say hey I could develop

because they were the guy who with the whole torture program with the CIA back you know in the post 9-11 years they might have worked in CIA before I forget but they were like independent contractors they were like I think the CIA went to them like you got any ideas like yeah we can come up with a plan

and the plan was just like drown people and like borderboard like which is like this clever name like people go oh you wouldn't be able to withstand water but it hurts it simulates drowning and it's like no you're drowning someone you're like putting water in their mountain till you don't fucking you're you're suffocating them people act like you're not suffocating the person I don't know again the tangents I didn't intend to start talking about waterboarding but I think my my method would be more effective

so I don't know I don't know if I should give it to them because it probably this is like this is me being a hero not handing my uh you know dirty underwear cuck technique to you know the supposed fighters of terrorism who knows what they're really up to um so yeah i'm not i'm not on the side of the feds you know uh per se i'm not yeah i'm not an enemy to state either i'm just a guy who uh comes up this weird just weird shame techniques isn't going to share them you do it on your own get you know get a guy it's a very little very least you better fucking you know you want to recruit me to become some kind of fucking agent give me a gun we go fight crime then maybe i'll share my fucking you know my tactics with you we should

probably get to the patreon people i want to really fucking do what i made a list this time i want to do it right because i've been leaving people out i think and uh you know i'm really uh appreciate the people who support the show and uh you know go out of their way um because there isn't tears yet These are people who just much like They're just true patrons of the arts They're really the they're the shining lights They're like the people who had commissioned Caravaggio Back in the Renaissance

To make a painting And then in between stabbing people Caravaggio would make the painting for them Because Caravaggio was a maniac You know, you should read about You know, some of these painters They're actually pretty psychotic And they're fun

He was a crazy Who he stabbed It's just some fucking guy, I think. Some gambling debt. It's great. Diane Cage. Thank you, Diane Cage. Brit Poundown, Michael Ricardo,

Richard Hofstetter. Here's the one I think I keep leaving off. So many thanks to Jason Duberville. You're doing a great job out there. You probably have a... I don't know what you do. I don't know all these people, but they're great people. I'll vouch for them.

I mean, basically, if you pay me $5 on Patreon a month, I'll vouch for you. that might come in to bite me in the ass but you know you're getting the comp endorsement it's a pretty is a pretty cheap day i will also i mean it's not an official thing on the patreon but if you if you are a patron's a donator i will like if you need me to i will be a reference on your resume if you you know if you want to have uh i don't know general dynamics or a grumman or whether a defense contractor wants to call me up and ask me you know about your character i'll tell how great you all tell them you know this guy is very capable of building predator drones

or designing you know things that poison water for people in third world countries whatever it is the job you're trying to get you know with the government or you know whatever um i'm available to uh oh last but not least gary barbara uh our most recent patron and a long-time friend of mine so this is a little is it awkward i don't know if it's talker or not when your friends giving you money. It's nice. It's very generous donation and I'm very thrilled to have him on board. You know, it's not like we see him all the whole other time anymore. So I talked to him, I did talk to him the other day though. And it's funny because we were catching up a little bit. He's a funeral director and he was asking me about my days

in the morgue because he heard rumors about the morgue and how there's some controversy about more people more you know more photographers photoshopping pictures uh it was some scandals mini scandal i don't think it'd be you know anyone the public really found out or cared but um he's asking if i was the one who was photoshopping the pictures and it's true yeah it wasn't just me it wasn't my idea but yeah i was photoshopping uh id pictures at the more and i'll get well we got to explain this a little bit because to be clear um in general rule, the idea of photoshopping pictures at a morgue sounds, you know, anath, it should be. Maybe you don't realize it should be anathema. It shouldn't be something you ever do.

Because these are pictures you're using, you know, being used for medical legal purposes, to showcase or display, the state of the body before, during, after the autopsy, you know, wounds, you know, for homicides, bite marks, stabbings, things shoved up asses, whatever. The state the body's in, and you need this for, you know, and a lot of times also just for insurance purposes. Someone's suing the hospital because whatever the fuck happened. You know, the hospital cut into the wrong heart or the wrong asshole. You know, they cut the asshole out when it's supposed to be brain surgery. You know, there's people who have to, like, you're supposed to write on your arm, not this arm, this arm.

Like, you know, you're like, you'll still fuck it up sometimes. But, like, you know, if he's just an amputated arm, these big things are, like, don't cut this arm off. That's how thorough these doctors are. They need to have sharpy arrows pointed on the body, which arm they're cutting off. Is they even a surgeon anymore? That's just some guy for a fucking ax-off. I don't know. But the point is maybe sometimes they also would, you know, hey, I'm getting brain surgery done.

Hey, okay. And then they start just drilling into your asshole. Because why not? Because, you know, it's confusing. And you've got a lot of work to do. Um, you know, I got to get home to watch this Mets game, uh, fucking, you know, an ass is as good as a head. An ass is as good as a head and a bird in the bush. That's what my dad always told me, so be careful out there.

But the point is, uh, you see, you don't want to be photoshop in these pictures, and we never did. We took it seriously. You know, we were very respectful of the bodies. People, a lot of times, you know, they were asked, it's very common to ask me, you're fucked the body. First of, if you're going to ask someone if they fuck the body, you know, maybe you fucking ease into it. Like, you know, back when we meet and Tim were doing, you know, the, one of those interviews with, like, you know, CIA people and David Talbot and people would compliment our interviewing style. You know, we really got some insightful questions and we would, you know, we would gradually kind of, you know, you don't just start off the bat with, like, you know, asking the most important thing. you kind of build a rapport and you can you kind of

you let this thing go people could come to me hey do you fuck a body like I'm gonna if I did I would tell them like I'm just that prompt like that would be like all you need to do not not buy me to drink not fucking you know try to build some rapport hey you know I always uh I always

enjoyed sex when people were kind of very stiff and I'd be like oh and like you know laying seeds of course I never fucked a body but if I did I'm not gonna tell some just some I listen to your podcast, you fuck a body. Like, why don't you fucking, you know, at least lead with, like, I donate to your Patreon, and then maybe.

But these people feel entitled. You don't need entitlement, because, like, I didn't fuck about it. And the more I say that, the more crazy is that, you know, incriminating it probably sounds. But no, why would I? And the point is, you don't Photoshop shit. But we had these ID pictures, and we were supposed to basically take a, a blue smock and covered her head

and just take a picture of them so the family could ID them because you don't really show them the body in person or even we had a room with a window like a screen window you can look glass

you can look through and see the body if you needed to because sometimes look sometimes the family wanted to see the body and very occasionally they wanted to touch the body

and that was accommodated and then they're crying like crazy of course because they're fucking loved ones so I don't know They seem to want to avoid that, the doctors and the PAs. I don't know if it was out of compassion as much as just not wanting to deal with a hassle. But, you know, it was whatever.

It was they meant well. And the idea was like, you know, you show them this fucking, this picture of the head. And if you did it wrong, and then when I was the first day, we did it kind of wrong. We were to photograph the head. You got to make a small V on the bottom. You know, it'll show a little bit of the neck. Otherwise, it looks like we cut off your family member's head. and put on a blue piece of paper, and, like, here's your head.

This is his head. It's not in his body anymore. Is this your daddy? And that wouldn't be cool. But it went out that way. I mean, it's not, like, there wasn't a big quality control process. So it was really incumbent on us to do the right, the proper technique. And, you know, I think sometimes my weird, decapitated head-looking pictures were shown to people's family.

And they might not have said anything, but probably, look disturbing so I apologize if that was one of your family members if you saw those pictures I mean they're still professional but you know just that little bit of fucking neck helps is all I'm saying but you know some people came in and they were you know involved in trauma suicide homicide you know bloody you know they got a car accident and their fucking faces all smashed up bruised you know dense little scars from the glass and And it's not something I started, but, you know, the idea was that you photo shop, you know, wounds to, you know, just for the ID picture so that the family wouldn't necessarily see, have to see this kind of, oh, that's disturbing. You know, and I get it.

I get, it's compassionate. But the problem is I got there, and, you know, the other guys were older. It was the kind of thing where, you know, some of these guys started in the, in the fucking 1960s or 70s. these when they started this goddamn morgue and they still you know because it's a county job and uh i'm a freak because i don't stay in the county but most people you know if he told me quit a county job

they'd uh tell you you're crazy you know it's like telling them he threw away a lot of ticket there was a winner you know um you keep them for 40 years so these guys are looking around for a while and you know they know they're surprising

how well they did some of these older guys learned to Photoshop um but they did and it was all right and they were okay but you know you could tell the thing was photoshop and they wouldn't go uh too crazy with the with the corrections of these wounds and these scars um but i knew pretty damn well i had come from wedding photography so i'm fucking and i also i'm very aware of like the problematic nature of like just photoshopping this guy to look like he just died in his sleep when really he was mangled by a fucking, you know,

MIRCAT or whatever. So, I'm tearing through. The doctors love them because they, the other guys couldn't Photoshop up the ID pictures. It wouldn't look right. And like, ah,

now I'll have to show them to do some other, you know, method of ID. But I'm fucking tear it through. I'm like, hey, this is like, here's the thing. And like,

oh, it looks great. And like, I would say, you sure? I mean, is this kind of, you know, it isn't too much.

They did they go too far? No, it's perfect. Like, it's almost like they had no sense of like, the impending problem. Because what ended up happening, long story short, after, I don't know, a year, a while, is that it holds a stop photoshopic ID pictures.

And it was like, why? And it was like, well, the funeral home had a big meeting with the M.E's office. The funeral home association, I guess, or whatever. And all these different funeral directors were there. And they were like, you know, the problem was people were going to, like, these funeral homes, and they were getting told that, you know, it's going to have to be a closed casket. I'm so sorry. And you're like, what are you talking about?

Well, no, the trauma, you know, the facial trauma. It's just too much to really correct. Hey, buddy, what are you talking about? I saw the picture. And they're like, what picture? What you talk? What is this? And they were losing their fucking minds.

I get it. It's like, you're here to help us. Not to fuck us up. I mean, one time, I'm not going to name. This is, and this guy meant well. But I think he got jealous because they were like, the doctors would be very much like, adored the guys are praised sometimes

for Photoshop these pictures I was like what I mean honestly it's like this is it was you clone stamping some shit it's not a big deal but they're you know this person went to med school for 13 years or whatever the fuck

you know what four years of med school four years of residency three years of fellow I don't a lot I went to I went to community college I don't know it big difference but I'm getting fucking

you know the praise from a doctor this seems backwards but you know I guess Photoshop is hard but uh one of these more tech guys um and they like they they help they cut up in the body remove the organs so them back up they do a lot of stuff they're great people but he got a little jealous and uh he wanted to kind of do his own form of repair um but not with Photoshop but with like you know a needle and thread and maybe some wadded up uh I mean occasionally we would

wide up paper towels um because not just you know Photoshop is one thing but then you kind of if someone's like half his fucking skull is missing you'd fucking try to prop up the jaw with the or you know the drawer's missing you probably probably probably the jaw with like some watered up paper towel just to give some structure because you know if you don't photo shop it's hard to just like it's hard to create a realistic skeleton skeletal structure of the i'm sure other people are better than me but it's tough so you know you do some of that and he has he has to do that and he kind of did his own little thing and he the doctor asked me if i can photograph the face of his of this thing he fixed I already

I already did a Photoshop ID picture I just take the picture I want to just take it and when I saw the picture I didn't want to take it I said I don't think this should be in the system I don't think we should have this

in our computer database because this thing was a goddamn nightmare it was a grotesque so he and again he meant well he was trying to you know make it presentable for the family but it would it looked like if the elephant man shot himself and then like you know a homeless guy so over his face back together with like you know shoelaces uh it's terror and

the idea that that was he's something he thought he just showed to a fucking family member is it's it's haunting to me i mean i'm i'm not that haunted by things that sort of the morgue i saw people fuck the death of tree branches i saw homicides serial killer shit, cancerous uteruses, that looked like they were covered in ship, there was really dead blood cells, but really the worst thing I saw was this

attempt, and not even just the physicality of it, but knowing that this guy thought that this was something that could be shown to people, to actual people, and not, and like, it looked like if a grown man

had been like chopped up by, like, he'd been eaten by fucking just a hundred different alley cats and then like some witch doctor fucking put his fucking just stretch his face over a fucking starfish looks like his skull was shaped like a scarfish I don't know haunting to me

that's the only frightening thing I remember is that guy worked there he was a nice guy but you know again no one's doing this no one was doing this for fun no one was trying to like you know no one was trying to mutilate bodies for the hell of it, or at all.

You know, I was trying to mutilate. I mean, look, is it mutilating to cut all the organs out and, you know, dissect them and, you know, just cut it slums a little bit? And then to put them into a garbage bag and put that garbage bag into a chest cavity and sew that shut. Is that mutilation? I mean, some people might think so,

but that's the way an autopsy is done. It's done, you know, what people were involved in autopsies, or tell their families, don't let your family have autopsies. I don't know. I subscribe to the theory. Whether you're dead. What do I care what you do to my body once it's done? Put a garbage bag full of rat shit inside me.

I don't care. Put a crown on me. A crown of rat thorns. I'm the king of the rat shit prince. The king of the rat shit prince. Honestly, people are baffled by me sometimes. I don't get it either. The king of the rat shit prince.

What does that even mean? My brain is just... I really should be studied, but, you know, to what end? What are they going to do with it? This knowledge of, like, all right, we figured out what makes this guy say, King and the Ratchit Prince, now we're going to cure cancer? No. Anyway, so I enjoyed it, you know, working at the morgue.

It was a fun time. As weird as all this shit is, I much preferred it to working at the jail where it was transferred to after a while. That was a weird. I mean, I think I talked about it. If I didn't tell the story, if I apologize if I did, But, because it kind of reminds me of, you know, it was saying how, like, you know, it's weird taking money from a friend you haven't seen in a while. But it's also, the much weirder interactions when I worked at the jail, I was doing mugshots, and I saw my best friend from childhood, and he, uh, I just ignored him.

I used to go in his pool every day. Um, but yeah, he just came in and I was just like, hey, uh, I didn't even pretend to know. I mean, it was just like, he just wanted, was in there. And if he recognized me, who knows? That was a weird job, too. Photographing, like, knives that came out of people's asses covered in shit. I had a lot of jobs where I was, you know, photographing things that had shit on them.

Too much, really. The smell of human shit is just... It's interesting. It smells like dog shit. I remember one time my friend's dog, it's shit on the carpet. He's the new dog. And I literally says, this is how, you know, troubled I am.

I go, why does it smell like work right now? I'm looking around, and then after a minute, I realized, oh, this dog has shit behind me. And while that's true, it really is the thought process that went through my head. Like, why does it smell like work? Because apparently, I had been smelling shit at work and not realize it was shit?

Or, like, I don't know. Oh, that's the smell of a body. It's the smell of shit, but I thought that was a smell of a body. Like, I don't know. I mean, I'm not the most intuitive guy, I guess. I'm not the guy you want Like if I was trying to join the Navy SEALs I probably

I maybe I can make it but I need a few more I'd have to explain things to me occasionally A little more than other people I'm actually a smarter than average guy But I just some I have some blocks in my head And they'd be like you know I'd be trying to climb a wall And get my fat

You know just sweating Get my fat fucking ass Over this goddamn wall And they'd be like You know lift your leg And I'd be like I I'm like pulling up on my arm and I can't lift myself.

Like fat man, lift your leg up and I just, it wouldn't click. And then I would fall and I shit myself. But I could be I don't love if I'd be the most physical. I mean, I clearly wouldn't be the most physical adept guy in the Navy SEALs.

But I feel like I have a killer instinct. I feel like I could bring in a certain aggression level to the unit that could, you know, I'd be able to shake. people violently to get them and tell us things you know I would I would you know I'm not a torture guy but maybe I would like you know have a just you know a sock full of quarters that I would like you know I hit myself in the dick and I say hey see I can take that I get myself in the dick with a fucking sock full of quarters and I feel

the thing what do you think I could do to you and then that's that's psychological see a lot people think I'm gonna hit other people in their dicks but you know you get used to the pain in your dick think about you know you you you you you a lot of times pain is not as bad as you think so I hit you a sock full of quarters in your dick you know it might not feel that bad you might be like ah it's kind of nice

I haven't really had a lot of intimate attention lately and although this isn't the most sensual it's not like a pleasing feeling at least someone is doing something to my dick you might be thinking and this guy's a soldier

he's not me but like otherwise if a soldier was doing that to me and I'd be like this guy's pretty fit and he's like he's kind of uh he's got like his broad shoulders he's hitting me in the dick and i'm not really into guys usually but you know i've just been lonely and like that's the kind thing you don't want that you don't want this guy uh just kind of daydreaming while you're hitting him the dick you want a guy like me who's hitting himself with a dick uh with a sockful quarters because you that looks like it hurts it looks scary it's oh shit this guy's dick is all mangled up

you know he must he must not feel anything in his dick and he's bad about it. He's probably pissed at the world because he got mangled up cock. Does this make any sense when you hear it? I love some feedback. These particular types of rants where I'm talking about having

hit myself in the dick with a sock full of quarters at the Navy SEAL. Like, is this too far? I'm in the middle of it, and it just happens. I don't know where it came from. And I love some feedback. if this gets to a point where you're driving your car

or you're fishing with your son and then like this I go to this point imagine if this is playing while you were fishing with your son oh my god that would imagine bonding over this bonding over this crazed fat man sitting in the closet just daydreaming about fucking being a being one of the you know what should be a hero you know I'm taking the the archetype of

the modern American hero a navy seal i mean yes they occasionally or often i don't know how often shoot you know six-year-old yemenese girls in the head um by mistake i guess whatever but they're heroes people look at them like they're heroes and i get it and they probably are they got obel they got al saman laden sure i mean not cordon seymour hirsch but whatever but you know and i'm just i'm taking out and i'm transfixing it with me i'm kind of i'm i'm selling the memory of these heroes um my mangled dick stories while your son is learning how to fucking thread a needle through a goddamn caterpillar. I don't know.

Well, how does fishing work again? You got a grasshopper and you shove it into a fucking big wad of peanut butter and you put a hook on that. God, got him. I should be shot in the face. We'll move on, I guess. Yeah, so I'm actually, this is today's Sunday. I'm going to WrestleMania. Not going to WrestleMania, but a party for WrestleMania tonight.

Now, I don't know if anyone listens to the show that I'm on with Dan St. Germain. What's it called? I'm on the show, but wait, I don't remember what I was. Marks, Total Offen Marks. It's a wrestling show. I don't know how I got into the show. He came on, Meet Me, Tim and I's show. And, you know, whatever.

I, you know, invited me on. I came to some SummerSlam horseshit, whatever it was called. I don't like, look, I hate wrestling. I've always hated wrestling. I mean, I watched it when I was like, you know, six. I like wrestling with a fucking Hulk Hogan, the ultimate warrior. I had friends over the years who would still be into it. I wouldn't get it.

I mean, I remember one time watching WrestleMania with them, and it was like, all right. It's, it's campy. I don't get the point. I mean, I don't get the point of, like, committing to it. I think it's a... But I always assumed, because, you know, when you get into comedy, you know, half these people are wrestling, and, you know... You assume there must be something to it, right?

Like, there must be more than I'm missing like that. You know, it's probably not all great, but there's diamonds in the rough. And then, you know, you watch it, and you put up with the bullshit to get to the good stuff. And so I was open-minded. I mean, it's like I'm very picky about when I watch. I don't watch shows if they kind of are a little cheesy. You know, I like the, you know, I like great shows. I mean, I love the Shield, love the wire.

I love fucking, you know, the Americans. I might be a little bit of a snob when it comes to TV stuff. I'll also watch The Office eight times as a series. Because, you know, instead of watching some shit show, I'll put something with the office on and just have it on while I'm doing something or just laying there like a fucking vegetative state. Because, you know, I might say that makes me right. But I don't, you know, so I'm not the guy who's like,

let's watch this and hope that something comes out of this trash. But I gave it a shot. I've been watching wrestling for this show and I'm at my way to end with it I actually haven't been watching that much lately I kind of just make, when I go to the podcast I make it up I mean they'll say what do you think of this

and I'll make up some bullshit and it works that's how dumb wrestling is that I can first make up horseshit about it I can just from based on the guy's name and a picture just come up with a fucking story and it sounds plausible so I don't know I mean, it's probably coming during that.

I've given an ultimatum to that podcast. Same thing, you know, those fans, those are listening to my podcast. I'm out, so we'll see what happens with that. But, you know, point is I'm going to wrestle. I'm going to this WrestleMania party tonight. I figured I would give my predictions. I gave some predictions on the other show.

But these are a little more, I think I've given some more thought into them. So I want to just, you know, if you're interested in wrestling, you can hear, you can, you can, see how they compare to your predictions, if you don't like wrestling. You know, I think you still might, you know, appreciate the, um, let's see, let's just go. Miz versus Shane.

So it's the Miz who's on the real world versus Shane, um, fall count anywhere in match. So Shane, Shane is Shane, uh, the son of Minst McMahon. So I think what happens is, um, some people think the Miz is going to, uh, backstab, Shane. What I think it's going to happen is that Ms. is going to show up in the ring with Shane McMahon's daughter at gunpoint.

And he's going to have his son in a bag, in a clear place, a garbage bag, alive. He's got an air tube. And he's going to basically say, I'm going to shoot one of your kids if you don't fucking, you know, give me the intercontinental title. and then Shane Smith

not Shane Smith Shane McMahon will just basically just start shitting himself just shit coming out of his ass he's going to take his pants off and he's going to please don't kill my babies and he's going to fucking take his pants off

and just start shitting on onto the ring going look I'm subjugating myself to you Ms. Those babies being more to me I mean they're 8 years old and 10 I think but those babies saying babies those babies uh mean more to me than life itself um i'm i'm bent over here shitting onto the ring like an animal to show you that i am submitting to your dominance

um this shit uh be unto you um take this and do as i he's like he's like starts quoting the bible tries to start quoting the bible like this is my shit uh take this and and do unto others as i've done to you um i'll i'll pray my novenas for your family and and the mids just starts crying you know that's all i wanted this is all this your respect the respect of the son of the man who runs the wwe this is phenomenal and then they let the kids go and then there's a big ice cream sunday that comes lowered down from the rafters and then you know basically um Vince McMahon says I've been a terror

He comes into the ring I've been less than a father to you Let me Much in the same way that Jesus Wash the hands or the feet I mean he watched the feet of the cripples Vince McMahon Washes the ass

Of Shane McMahon And yeah So that's that That's my prediction for that If you have a different prediction You can you know Tweet at me And say hey

Your prediction was shit Ray My prediction you know, I predicted the Miz was going to shoot one of the kids. But I don't think the Miz would do that. I think the Miz, you know, he's a heel, but he's not a scumbag. He's not going to shoot a kid. Not for real. Not just for Resslemania.

He'd have to be some kind of special, like, 40th anniversary, WrestleMania, and then maybe he'd shoot a kid. Who else we got? AJ Stiles versus Randy Orton. So basically they get in the ring. They're like, hey, and they just. basically they both get on the mic and they just got powell and they just AJ guys AJ styles starts out

I don't want to apologize because I know that none of you give a shit about us um I don't know why we're at WrestleMania we're we're fucking character we have no character we have no I mean like you when you think of wrestling you think of Hulk Hogan you think of uh the rock

you think of uh even Brock Lesnar but AJ styles and Randy Orton no one's never thought of us from the words wrestling. We're just filler. We're journeymen. You know, if we were shoemakers or shoes would be functional,

but, you know, not particularly attractive. We're slobs. You know, we've tried our best. Our bodies are exquisite. But, you know, this is the big leagues, and we just couldn't quite make it. And we've been around for a while. And I feel like we should,

we owe you an apology. And then everyone booze them as they should. And then they, I don't know, They hang themselves in the back. But that's not on camera. I don't... Don't give it me... Like, I want them to hang themselves as a prediction.

I'm not asking people to hang themselves. I hope they don't. Don't commit suicide. But that's just... I got to be honest about how I predict. Look, a lot of these wrestlers, they're not going to make... Roman Reins versus Drew McIntyre.

Promo... I don't know what this means. Roman Rains He fucking Had cancer recently And so he just It turns out that he's actually Didn't have cancer

He had AIDS And he's dead He just dies of AIDS On the floor Which is weird Because it's like AIDS can be cured now But he just said Like he's just a dumb guy

He didn't believe it He wouldn't take The retro What they call him? There's retrovirus things I don't know. This is, look, they say wrestling's fake, so maybe he's really alive. I'm just predicting that he's just a guy who's just too stupid to take AIDS medication. Kurt Engle versus Barron Corbyn.

I can't, look, I can barely do this gimmick. Because it's just like, who gives a shit that any of this crap? This is the list I went through when the other, like, hey, like, you know, all this shit. Like, what are your predictions? They have to give answers to this. And it's like, I can't do this anymore. I can't even making this shit up. I can barely do this.

Oh, fucking Christ. Ronda versus Becky versus Charlotte for the raw. I don't care. I'm so, I can't even make this shit up. This isn't even fun. It's like none of these people have any character. There's that guy Ray Mysterio, who I like, who he's like, he got, I mean, I keep calling the 6-1.

What is the something 16, I think the 6-1-9. He spins around the ring and, like, and kicks a guy in the head. as a five times of spinning. Like, that's fun. But he's, like, the only guy who does it. That should be the bare minimum. Like, there should be a league of people who are just acrobats. I mean, these guys are impressive, but it's like, it's just who gives this shit.

And, like, you can't keep going into your 40s, like, watching this shit. Like, it's not fun anymore. It's like, I've been watching Formula One for years, Formula One racing. A lot of people aren't that familiar with it. At least what was the pinnacle of racing. I guess it still is technically. I'm not sure why. I mean, it was a very daring form of racing

The best cars available They raced all through Europe And for a long time it was the best It probably still is on some level But it's all Like, it's all based on what car you have Right, it's all based on what's fucking Oh, you're at Ferrari, or you're at Mercedes

Or whoever had, and it's not even like They stay the same So it's really about giving musical chairs Which team's gonna have the best car that year And if you happen to be on it And the problem is, I watched, the first year I watched, happened to be a great year. It was Michael Schumacher, who is now, unfortunately, like a vegetable, I think. Is that a proper term?

Do you call people who are in a vegetative? I mean, it's called a vegetative state, but it feels weird to call a man a vegetable. He's a seven-time world champion. It feels odd. I shouldn't be allowed to call this man a vegetable. But regardless, that's what he is. So he's a vegetable now. But he was, you know, the most successful formula one race or ever.

Not necessarily the best, but one of the best, and the most successful. and he's battling Mika Hakenen. And it's great. I mean, he's great. He's some of the historic races. And then you watch that for the first year and it spoils you. And so you keep, much like a man addicted to heroin, you keep chasing the dragon, hoping you get the feeling you had when you're first.

And that's what these people are doing. Eventually I stopped watching Formula One because it was just a fucking processional. You know, people just go, you know, no one's even passing each other half the time. And what's not even doing here? And that's how I feel about wrestling shit. It's like, what, when are you going to get, when do you feel what you felt when you were 10?

Like, how often do you feel that? And what did you feel when you were 10? You know, I don't understand. Like, like Stone Cold, they call it the attitude there. A lot of you are probably familiar with it. It just, no one's hitting, no one's actually hitting each other. No one's actually getting hurt. And I know, I'm not trying to say like, oh, I know it's fake.

I know it's fake. But it's like, how do you take the promo seriously as a grown man? Because it's not even like, can I watch an old shit? Some of this old shit's great. So it's old, because there was a level of danger to it. And I don't mean danger, physical danger, but just like they're on the mic, they're saying crazy things. It was a Wild West, you know. It was just these weird guys just trying to make these, get this gimmick to work.

And like, but now it's so corporate. It feels like Disney. It feels like fucking, you know, the goddamn, you know, you're watching some goddamn, you might be watching Pooh Bear trying to pin Ranger Rick or whoever these guys are. That's how fucking, you know, dangerous it feels. You really need to have, uh, I've watched some of the death match shit that happens in, like, Pennsylvania. We're, like, convicted felons who, like, you know, get released and they hit each other with glass tubes and, like, spikes. And, like, that's kind of fun. That's interesting.

I get watching that But like You guys keep watching Could people think that like I think my brother got mad at me Because like He was saying that like I came up with my family

And my dad was like People saw watch WWE And brother No one really watches that anymore And like what's not true And he thought I was just being a smug prick But like no Because these people

Who I talked to about wrestling Well they all watch this shit It's terrible I don't know I don't know what you're getting out of this Daniel Bryant is a heel For being environmentalist And that's kind of a decent gimmick

It's like you know Just the fact that he's like Come out there telling these people They're slobs And he's like He wants to save the world From from these fat people Who watch wrestling

Yeah it's kind of fun But it's just not worked The fucking price of admission I went to a thing in the Mass Square Garden And it's just like I'm watching a bunch of men Just jump around in a cage, you don't even hear him on the mic.

You need, why don't we have a form of wrestling where, like, you have colostomy bags, and you're trying to grab the other guy's colostomy bag. You're not familiar with a colostomy bag. It's a plastic, clear bag, there's shit in it. This is a shit-deemed episode, get over it, and it's kind of affixed to the side of your body. My grandpa had one in the years before his death, and I guess, I don't know

if you can release, there's a release valve, or you have to get the colostomy bag changed but you shit into a bag so why not have a thing when you try to grab each other's colostomy bags this might have been something that was on jackassie even i mean i don't know but uh or have something where like i mean i'm always bringing up why don't people like piss on each other more or use or shame i don't know this is there needs to be raised stakes i mean not just in wrestling but everything there needs to be um just like a level of danger in society not danger I mean, look, we're with the danger of neo-fascism rising and, you know, climate change and all that. It's a dangerous time.

And on the other side of that, don't. People who think I'm just an anti-Trump alarm, I mean, I am anti-Trump. I'm not sure, afraid to admit it. But also, you know, AOC is also a fucking socialist maniac. And this is not like people who, you socialism, no, no, like these, I really believe in a lot of these, the most progressive wings of liberal wings of Democratic. party do actually want like a more Soviet style socialism than they want to admit but whatever I don't want to get into it but I'm all for a Swedish style of socialism in theory but that's really just capitalism with a safety then which is fine but like yeah well let's try to do it

it won't be as easy it would be in Sweden but let's talk about that but let's not pretend like we're going to get rid of capitalism you schmucks don't even know what capitalism is all right it's the only oh cabals people are telling me capitalism is efficient capitalism is a The one thing it is, at the very least, is efficient. Even if you think people are being working work to death with wage slavery, not real slavery, but wage slavery, it's still efficient. I mean, you can't argue with that. But it's also not the case that, you know, it's, look, it is, there's a lot of pitfalls of capitalism. But at the end of the day, you know, those pitfalls, I don't get, we'll do a whole episode about this.

I'm really sick of people slagging off capitalism when, you know, it took them 100 years to subvert a lot of the forces of capitalism. to what we have now. It's corporate, crony corporate, fucking, you know, credit, you know, fueled fucking, you know, soft money, goddamn, you know, nanny state that we have. And we're going to call this capitalism. I mean, you don't even need to have, like, laissez-faire capitalism. Like, even Friedrich Hayek is saying, you know, like, you can have a regulation to kind of promote the fucking, uh, the goddamn, you know, competition. That's desirable, even.

But the idea that you're gonna fucking, you know, call, we're gonna do it with a whole, we'll do a whole capitalism special soon because I'm getting pretty sick and tired of having capitalism slagged off. You know, capitalism, well, wrestling is a fair. I mean, you know, why isn't one of these wrestlers take the mantle of capitalism on? They don't, because they're all morons.

I mean, I love them. But, W.W. Why don't you give me a job? I'll fucking write you a gimmick where a guy chits in a colossomy bag and then fucking eats it. You can call it, God bless America, the fucking wrestling. I don't know. But this one's kind of aggressive.

I'm hearing, this is a good plan of doing it in the closet. But the problem is that, you know, I have to do it before eight because then the roommates, they fucking start playing music. And it's just the same fucking song. He's always playing the same goddamn songs. I'm sick of it. But what am I going to do? This guy's kind of blow hard.

I can't speak too loud. I don't have a problem speaking too loud because, you know, I'm fucking hate the guy. I don't fucking talk shit right to his face. But Lucy gets upset. So for her sake, I have to kind of keep it semi-civil. But I still fucking, like, you know, I don't let him. He tries running his mouth.

I just kind of, you know, keep him in check a little bit. It's like making him look stupid because he's only going to be a smart blow hard, but he's kind of a dumb blow hard. whatever so we'll also explore that and later date but you guys have been great this has been a aggressive episode and I appreciate you coming and listening to it listening to Our Love is disgusting

it's about Lucy and I's new podcast it's available it comes to every Saturday you also to address the you know this is going to be every Sunday now I made some post but this comp is now a Sunday day show. I don't know why I ever try to do it during a week. I think it probably

is a thing of like just being used to doing it with the Tim Dillon's going to hell podcast. But it's like I work a full-time job and it's just hard to like find time to like you know where you, because you know, this is whatever my point is like now I can do it over the weekend and it's just more

so it'll be more consistently delivered at the same time every week. So everyone's happy. No one's confused. We're all just living in a socialist paradise. We're fucking loving each other and sucking each other's fucking earlobes and spit. It's great. But listen to all over is disgusting.

That comes down every Saturday. So Saturday, you spend with me and Lucy. Sundays are for a ray. Sunday is just me. Or you listen to both on Sunday. Whatever. It's a podcast. You do it what the fuck you want with it.

You wrap it up. You print out. You transcribe what I'm saying. You wrap around a dildo and you fuck yourself with it. You can do whatever you are. This is America still, all right? For a while still. We're still America.

you can fuck yourself and whatever you want. So enjoy one more time for lovely Patreon people. Diane Cage, Brit Pound Town, Michael Ricardo, Richard Hofstetter, Jason Duperville, and Gary Barbaran. You guys are great. Thanks to everyone. I'll see you next week. Enjoy. I don't know how much.