Kump - 132 - Thanksgiving's Not For Sandwich

Episode Date: November 22, 2022

Ray and Lucie try to go viral with Thanksgiving sides, discuss Taylor Swift vs Ticketmaster, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Follow Kump on Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/raykump Kump Hand Merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Follow Ray on Sound Cloud https://on.soundcloud.com/QbP8

Hello and welcome to Kump. Hello. Hello, Lucy. Hi. It's the week of thanks. The week of feasts. Week of feasts. week of unmitigated control over your family where you can leverage your childhood abuse your

childhood uh slights against your parents you can make them feel guilty for not providing you with um whatever you wanted to get to be rich to have a better body to to to to to you know to you know question your dad for not achieving greatness to inspire you blame him for what you haven't accomplished right and also the gift thanks uh we're talking of course of thanksgiving uh it's a lovely holiday invented by um the Mormons I think it was invented by well the Pilgrims did something weren't the Pilgrims Mormon What are the pilgrims? Are they Jewish, or they Muslim?

What were the pilgrims, like, religion-wise? They weren't Catholic. I mean, they were Protestant, right? I actually, I just realized I was, for a second, I wasn't sure if they were Protestant or Catholic. I think they're, like, Puritan. I mean, they call them WASP, right? White Anglo-Saxon Protestant. I guess they're Anglican?

But no, because the Church of England was all about, hey, I want to marry this chick, and then, like, and a killer if she doesn't give me a baby. Or whatever. or just kill her if she does sure yeah i mean henry the 8th was really the uh the head of its time um i guess there were some sort of like reaction to that they were like don't kill the women and everyone said get out of here you rats and so now we have

thanksgiving because i don't know they screwed over the native americans right the american's told them to make yams and then they butcher them They butchered the Native Americans. And then Lincoln during the Civil War. Right. Who is Native American, right? Yeah, he's a Native American. He said, we're going to have a day of Thanksgiving.

Sure. To just really stick it to the South. Did he really invent that? Yeah. I thought Ben Franklin invented it. Why was he messing around with turkeys if it was no Thanksgiving? Wait, Ben Franklin messed around with turkeys? He was the whole, his whole thing was, I want the turkey.

We watched it on the comp, on our Patreon, by the. way oh right uh the idea that i mean i've noticed for you they love to tout this fact that you know three things about ben franklin the whole electricity with the kite thing which i think is a lie um the fact that he gave like uh STDs to everyone in france and uh that he tried to get the national bird to be a turkey instead of a uh instead of a eagle eagle i feel like he was just being kind of like he's being all Ben Franklin-y about that. I think he knew that we shouldn't make it the turkey. He was just like

he was just being he's being a wise ass. Here's the Ben Franklin knew he could never be George Washington. But by that I mean an incompetent general. But also, you need the French to do everything for him. If that's not true, I don't care. Hey, I have a PhD in history

and I can say why you're wrong, what year do we live in? No one cares anymore. Go home. Dan Carlin is that the hardcore history guy or the guy who made community and for Morgan Morty I get him confused dance and entertainment yeah Dan Carlin is the one with hardcore history one who loves talking about babies getting eviscerated right the one who loves to talk about we'd love to do your show day let us come on and you can you know we can do like a joint thing where um you tell us about all the atrocities that you pretend not to enjoy

of like he does it with the glee of a guy who's selling you in nintendo back in 1989 like some kid who worked at like toys or us some 18-year-old kid and like a young kid walks in with his mom he's like oh by someone wants of Nintendo oh it's fantastic it has look at the eight-big graphics and he's got ping pong and it's got that's how we talked about babies being put on spikes you know uh but whatever we let we want to reach out that but we're gonna start We have to get on some other podcasts and promote. We're keeping the joy of this show too locked in the people already, you know, people need to get on board with this.

So you think first stop hardcore history? Hardcore history is about to get real hardcore. You can educate him about some historical. I'm going to tell him a thing or two. Yeah. About the Mormon pilgrims in Thanksgiving and maybe I'll threaten them. Yeah. Maybe, you know, is that what you do when you go on the podcast?

You threaten them with like, you know, vague, vague, you know, threats, like a better word. What's a, what's a synonym for threat? You could, promise. You could, I promise to attack you. Strong arm, yeah. Can we strong arm other podcasts, like hardcore history somehow? What's our leverage?

We don't seem to have much. Maybe just a vague notion that we are desperate and we'll do anything. And we're willing to go to certain lengths that we have nothing to lose. That's probably the, like, what we're going to give is that we're rich, that were influencers. No, when you look at us like the most, and mostly me, the thing that we can most like, you know, get the closest to get to. Like we take a little more work. I don't think right now I'm someone you go, well, he's about to pop. Maybe my heart, but, you know, not like, you know, not, uh, but I can, that's the quickest thing I can get to.

You know, when I'm going to go Savile Row in England and buy a suit? No, I'm just going to put more dirt and feces on me. You could afford a Saville Row suit, I bet. I can't, you know, I can buy a Saville Roe suit, but then what? Then I'm just at Boston market. Then people are just walking around going, who's that bum in the Saville Roe suit? Yeah, I'm just at Boston market eating dark meat chicken and yams and a Saville Roe suit. with the with the with the exquisite pocket square and a bunch of spinach over my face um but yeah no

we need to convince these people that we're on the break and that they should let's do their show and that somehow that'll translate to being rich and wealthy and successful i don't know i don't have all the answers i only know what i know which is um welcome to the show welcome to the show what are your Thanksgiving plans um I mean what are you going to eat what am I going to eat yeah we're going to Thanksgiving we're fiancés you get the classic plate the the turkey yeah the cranberry sauce sure a couple different types of types of potato if you're lucky yeah you get a you know maybe a biscuit the type of bread that's available at Thanksgiving is always kind of a wild card well i don't really need bread i mean unless your family has some sort of

look you're from the south and you do like a biscuit and sausage gravy thing which can be nice no no no no no no hit no hate on that but who is eating bread on thanksgiving what about a nice roll of cracked wheat uh superfluous you have stuffing you have uh locked locked that for you have done on the hinge on the back yes there you go You have stuffing. Oh, no. Lucy's all. She's playing seesaw with,

there you go. Who, your family would just take Wonderbread. My family would? I'm just trying to understand. I'm going to be spending time with your family. Am I, am I going to see,

no, I'm going to see a bunch of wonderbread, maybe a few Thomas's English muffins. And we're going to be like putting some, I can't believe it's not butter on it. That's, that's a disgusting slander. But my grandfather, who was a great cook, used to make homemade rolls.

Oh, he would make homemade rolls. We would each get a homemade roll. Oh, food. I always know you meant he cooked men. Yeah. Okay. So he'd make homemade rolls. What kind of crescent rolls or like dinner rolls?

It would almost look like, it would almost resemble like a mini Portuguese roll. But it was very good. That could be very nice. That could be something where I can get into, a nice Portuguese roll. with maybe some juniper berry jelly and a dash of cinnamon. Yeah. So I'm going to get that, I think. Because I wasn't thinking that bread.

I thought you were going to say a bunch of, you know, typical stuff. And I was going to come back because I have some ideas. But I was not expecting. I've never heard of eating bread on Thanksgiving. That's insane to me. Because you have stuffing. You have the potatoes. You don't need, like, I mean, we have Britkin sometimes.

What if you want to make a little mini, like, Thanksgiving sandwich with a little, with a turkey and the cranberry and some potato on it? Well, you don't do that at the table. table dude like that's for after like that's for like follow-up meals no you can make a little construction at the in the moment maybe when you're a child no no adult should be doing that when one day when I'm the patriarch of our family and we have you know a litany of multiple generations following in my footsteps towards a you know an early grave what um what what you think I would do if I saw someone making a sandwich at the Thanksgiving table the table I provided

The food I conjured with my labor and my velvet voice of gravy. Well, look, I would hope. I podcasted for hours. I would hope you would respect the sovereignty of their plate, but I assume you wouldn't actually know that. So let's just say it's, what is it, our son or was it a grandson at that point? Let's say it's our son. I think that makes it more, that puts a finger on your part of the scale because you do have some control over what your son does.

Sure. And like your family, your extended family is there. We have a lovely house at this point because we've gone on another podcast. We've promoted and we threatened and promoted our way through the podcast circuit. And now we have a wonderful big house. We have an empire.

We have a virtuous empire built on vague violence and lies. And now we have an everyone's welcome to our hearts. A heart. Is that we call a heart? A hearth. Yeah. Of our house. and our son, who I hate.

Obviously. I despise this because he's just, I don't see any of me in him to quote the great Daniel Plainview. He's just a bastard from a basket. But he is my, he is my, it is to blame on my flawed genetics. Yeah, you can't say you're just a bastard in a basket. No, I have to say you're, you're one that I should have expected. You have to say you're my biological son in a basket.

I should have been homeless, so I shouldn't be surprised that you were doing nothing either. I'm only having this house through, you know, vague threats and whatever. Point is, what do I do? I assume that you probably, that you probably humiliate him. I throw a scissor at his hand. I throw a scissor right at his hand. I envision, I could see myself in the future envisioning this. And then, like, I'm fantasizing about it.

And, like, it's going to be the kind of thing where, like, an old, like, a gangs in New York type, movie or whatever where like it's in like someone's got throwing knives and I think he does it in games you he throws the knife and it catches the guy and catches his hand like that with a scissor but it just bounces off his hand gives him a little nick and everyone turns on me immediately what are these scissors are these like are you imagining kitchen scissors like kindergarten or like like the kind of scissors that kindergartners would use to cut construction paper you're right to question why would throw scissors that are sunk right that's fine like that's And we'll get to what's going to happen.

I'm just wondering why they would bounce off of him. Like I think a kitchen shears, sharp kitchen shears, especially the kind we would own if we had a podcasting empire. Sure. Those are probably some pretty nice shears. Those are going to go through the hand and into the table. If they're thrown with enough force. Well, I really...

With the voice of a man. Look, thank you. I really... But I don't... I appreciate that you think I have the acumen. I mean, I don't... In the future, I don't spend... my spare time in a makeshift like you know uh throwing uh range i'm in the backyard practicing

my sword scissors throwing techniques like you know when you you need a knife of a decent weight i think and balance to throw it properly it requires some technique um and honestly even still to get it's through a hand into the table uh it's i'd be impressed so you're saying this isn't part I don't know, I don't know what you, even with very sharp scissors. I don't think I'd have the, uh, the ability to get it through my son's hand. Like, that's crazy. So you're saying that in this moment, that you're saying that you've never done this before. This is just a pure act of passion.

Sure. That's coming up from somewhere you didn't even know existed. I won't be proud of it. But he, I just, I see, I just, I have any scissors there to cut. I have a, no one else likes bacon bits, but I have these, like those, those, not the bakeos, but the hormal bacon, bits you know I have a bag of them and no one else wants to sprinkle on your turkey and your stuffing and their mesh potatoes like I do so I and like you were kind of like like don't put it out it's disgusting it's tacky so I have the scissors next to me

because I'm about to open up these bacon or maybe already have and I've poured them all over my plate and it's very salty and these scissors are right there and I see my son and you guys you can say it's ironic because I have a bag of hormal baking bits next to like you'll find crafts and gravy boats you put out that it that's far more inappropriate for the kitchen table than then making a little mini thanksgiving sandwich quietly on your own place well that's something you can argue that's something you can that you can you can you can believe that um but i know in that moment i will feel like i'll just see that and every resentment i have towards my son will crystallize and and look it's not like i'm

like again more to the point it even if it was a throwing knife i wouldn't be throwing it like you know Like I'm playing like, you know, golden eye and I'm just aiming and like, you know, it's more of a rage. Like I just see him putting like, you know, turkey on a piece of bread and stacking it. And I just like, I just grab it. It could have been a roll, but it happened to be scissors. They throw it across the table and go, Thanksgiving's not for sandwich. And like, you know, and everyone turns on me immediately. No one's impressed.

No one's. I thought, like, I thought the men at the table. You don't think anyone would be impressed. I, look, I, I, I, I just imagine that I will feel like the men at the table, like the older men especially, if any of your, like, you know, uncles or my parents were still around. Right. They were, they were, like, because the young people would be, like, kind of fearful.

Right. And just kind of stunned. Some people, and the women will be disgusted. But the men will say, you know, he's raising that boy, right. You know, look, no boy comes out, uh, straight out of the womb as a man. but he's you know he's he's he's clipping that boy like a bonsai and you know and let him grow but they don't react that way they won't they'll just they'll say i can't i'm so disgusted in you or um you know like what gives you the right and like you know this turkey isn't even cooked

properly and like which it won't be right i will have uh tried to air fry it um so yeah that's just whatever i i couldn't but i would i would i would stand my ground um because i i would just be like he's making a sandwich right there's just stands it's like he's he's making a mock everybody would say yeah what's the big deal he's mocking he's laughing at it's fun to make a little sandwich it's fun to you know play a play a little game of pac man but i wouldn't let him play pac man at your funeral you know or maybe i should maybe we should arrange a funeral for you so my son can play paceman at it is that kind of world you want to living and then i'll say grace right i'll say our no venas um dear bountiful loose uh loose-lipped

father you you you give away the secrets of your lovely lovely joy and your bountiful harvest there's no spies in heaven lose lips sink the devil and then people again people will just be like they would leave I was actually gonna say like just pray to lucifer that's why I said loose lips let's break the fourth wall I was I feel like it wasn't that would be funny if I started praying the same Satan or the devil's not fun but if you pray to lucifer Thanksgiving it'd be kind of fun dear dear benevolent lucifer the highest of all angels he does the whole story of lucifer right he was like a top tier angel oh yeah and then he got busted down a few pegs because he tried like you know take over heaven yeah but like i want to start a thing where i like i'm he was god's

favorite angel right yeah that's what they say and uh can i do is there anything where does anyone just worship lucifer but not the devil like i would like i worship lucifer i mean you're satan no no i've worshipped the pre you know oh like before the pre fallen lucifer yeah i just like i did when he's a second in command guy that shouldn't actually be that in opposition because at that point he's god's favorite angel why wouldn't you follow the the the example of god's favorite angel yeah i mean he's like he's jesus before jesus right yeah i mean that's what that's a thing we talk a lot about you know jesus sometimes in the show and how like the devil tried to trick him but maybe he's just you know give me look i've been around the block god

i was god's play thing for a while i was doing the desert shit i was i was eating for 40 days or whatever it's not hey worth he's just fucking and then jesus just like get out of here it's like when you it's like when the son of a man who divorces his wife and then remarries and there's a new son and so the half brother is just trying to show them the ropes and we're like or the step brother right to show him the ropes and he's like yeah i don't need you i know better than you and it's like i throw a scissor at him uh welcome to the show that actually that's that they should do if i was going to do like a teen bible right we should um you make a teen bible and you know because sometimes i i had a teen bible when i was a kid yeah i had a children's bible but

I think I had a children's Bible, too. It's a teen Bible, like, they start, like, having backwards hats and stuff. Like, is it a Burger King Kids Club? Like, this is a little edgier, a little rad. Well, you know, they just be like, you know, rather than talking about how premarital sex is sinful or something, they might be like it's uncool.

You know, there's slight language changes to appeal the teens. Murdering your brother in the field, the farming fields, isn't cool. Yeah. You know what's cool? bringing down the walls of Jericho with these horns these little tubas or whatever or ram's horns

but if I was going to make a teen Bible sure and I was going to represent try to represent that part in the Bible where Jesus goes into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and Lucifer tries to tempt him yeah right I would do it almost

like an anime where like Jesus is almost like a kid coming into his dad's new house as like the new kid like the new mom the the new wife's kid and he meets lucifer and lucifer's like the original kid who's like all goth and stuff she's doing my idea yeah i just said this idea and you're trying to repackages my is your own idea no i'm i'm making i'm bringing it into vibrant color okay so you're adding goth to it yeah this is what lucy orphan does i'll often be sitting in the couch watching i'll have his epiphany

for a show we should write yeah and then or a topic at her and she'll just try to got it up which is my eyeliner we're eating fucking cheese and crackers just acting pompous acting better than me yeah surely we should put some goth and maybe some emo too anyway it's good i like i like the anime angle yeah look if anyone out there is an anime artist who wants to do anime yeah we'd love to have a comp anime yeah i know i know it's exorbitantly expensive to make anime but let's do it yeah is it that expensive I mean it's not cheap right I'm gonna talk about I mean sorry I meant manga not anime well manga no it's not particularly expensive to make manga I guess it just takes work I don't know I'm I'm not

learning in any of these things I just want I just want to be you know immortalized in Japanese graphic art forms so speaking of the Thanksgiving meal here's here's You board of all these things. I got off in a tirade about, like, you know, what I would do with my crazy son was eating a sandwich. Because you came out of a left field with that. Well, making little sandwiches out of things that aren't sandwich is one of my favorite things to do with food.

I like, you know, it's why I like to have a couple of eggs and toast and bacon. And then I'll make my own little sandwich out of it. You're acting like you invented the egg sandwich. But if I got a bacon and egg sandwich, it just wouldn't feel the same. I don't know just to be true about you. I've never seen you assemble, if anything, you just eat eggs. I've never seen you assemble a sandwich and have otherwise not sandwich things.

That's because you're lost in your own little world fantasizing about physically assaulting our son. It's not an assault. It's just a whim. It's just a violent whim. But yeah, I was, look, so you listed some very generic things. But I would like to come up with a few sides that people can, because I want people to be able to be able to show. showcase their love for this show. And, like, I want this show to be an identity for people.

You know, not everyone, but the lonely people who really like it. Right. And you don't have to be lonely. They really like it. But if you are, you can make it everything for you. Because that's what we're missing. We're missing the thing where we're people is everything. That's what successful things are.

Oh, yeah. I regularly have little fantasies about, about two, like, a man and a woman come fan, or two male comp fans, whatever, meeting online and getting, married because they both love cump so much that's a fancy you have i thought you're going to say something i'm a man a female cum fan and you know like servicing you but you're just fans not people getting like you know hooking should we have a dating site like somehow we should we should have a dating site where we you send us your shit yeah you're like your stats and your pictures and we just match people up yeah we assign you to other cum fans yeah this is the beginning of a

cult. Yeah. This is how cults start. You will be, uh, impregnating this woman. And you will be, uh, philating her friend. Right. And that's why it works so well, because we force you to impregnate each other on the first date. We don't force anything, uh, even though it's heavily, heavily implied, uh, legally, uh, legally, we can't, you know, of course, of course they feel like you're being forced, but we don't ever say you're being forced. Come on. That's rule one. We didn't force them to do anything. They act of their own. I mean, look, they still nab Charles Manson because he was just, you know, so it was such an annoying dork. Yeah.

You know, like, you know, like, hey, I didn't do it. I didn't kill him. Well, yeah, we're going to, we're going to nail him. That's what they said. We're going to nail this guy. We're swats going to do that in prison, I guess, after the fact. Yeah. That was the kind of thing he was doing.

It was just hateable. But the good cult leaders, they can't nail you. Right. And that's what we're going to do. So anyway, go. Go ahead, go on. So they get together? Yeah.

Yeah. And I just think that's a cute thing, too. It is. It's very cute. We need more cute things in the show. So how do we get off on this? So you want some, you want, this has something to do with Thanksgiving food? I think we should come up with some suggestions for people to go out into the world and like bring aside that, you know, and then when everyone's like, this is amazing, where did you come to the idea?

I listen to the comp podcast. podcast. Mm. All right, so here's one. Raisin turkey mesh. So you mesh, all right, so you need a food processor. And you pull, like, can you, like, here, first of all. This is actually making me physically nausea.

No, no, no, no, listen to me. How do you make patte? Because that's the first step is making the turkey into a sort of pattee. A fat paste. Is that a food processor? Is that some other kind of kitchen plants? I don't know if turkey is even fatty enough to make a patty. I think it's usually like a duck patte.

Well, then people will complain, but maybe. But like, we're going to do the things you, we're going to do whatever you do the duck to make it a pattee to a turkey. And whatever happens, happens. That's step one. All right. So maybe it's a bit dry. You can add some, we'll just add some like olive oil to it. And you just keep mixing the olive oil in.

It's fine. We'll crack an egg. You crack an egg. So you get your turkey pulverized. You're mixing in the egg and some olive oil. So Lucy doesn't complain about how dry it is. And then, you know, you can't complain about how dry it is. you uh and then you also and you mash up a bunch of raisins and you mix that into it and then you

sprinkle in let me thank uh paprika and this so it's just this kind of like weird it looks kind of like like meat hummus and it's called uh it's called uh raisin turkey mash hmm that's good i like it well now you're on board of something i give it a i give it a nine out of ten when did you turn i think the paprika got me out bored really so a little spicy so that's that's that's that's one so you make that and you bring it to your family and they're eating it and you go and they go what what is this and you go it's meat turkey meat matched up raisin i just explained what it is and uh and then you go and they will probably even ask oh that's interesting and then you go you know i got for the the comp podcast like oh okay yeah you've heard that like i'm giving you a script

here right because in real life people don't end like you you fantasize that people like asking you follow up questions they often don't because they're not competent you know in conversation like I am like I'm always asking follow up questions and like making people feel heard um but that your family won't do that for you your family will just kind of try to brush you off they'll say it seems nice but they won't eat it so you have to just hound them all day and say have you tried the comp turkey mash and they'll say the what the what it's like the compter

I think you said it was what is this comp thing why it was a really come pocket okay you used a turkey match before you didn't say anything like come well you change the name up you just you know and like and you just shoehorn this show

uh in every conversation you know uh you what do you think of that idea I look I think it's a great it's great um what is that called what would that qualify as viral marketing is that it yeah or being alienating to your family you know sure like you know just just kind of being not really a person yeah uh viral that's it guerrilla marketing um

i have an idea yes for a comp side right it's really honestly it could it could be a dessert too all all great all great meals can also be desserts so it's called brie it's it's kind of like a brie and cherry soup it's brie that's basically melted down to the point that it becomes liquid now brie if you don't know it's a very creamy cheese kind of like uh like if like cheesecake cheese almost yeah but and so you're doing so it's brie and then you're melting it down and doing what and cherries to it and you're melting it down and adding like uh you know uh like kind of like a what do you call it when you mash something up with sugar in the pot caramelized like caramelized caramelized caramelized are you gonna caramel a

caramelized caramelized this caramelized cherries like it like almost like a like a reduction a cherry reduction and you drink that through a straw you drink the whole thing through a straw yeah just I mean is that would actually be good it's like a cherry brie milk shake yeah this not bad idea for a cocktail you bake this before look first of all you show up or whoever's having Thanksgiving three hours early and you go oh we said there's gonna be a two and it's like you show up at 11 and you know no I I need I brought this very elaborate cocktail from the come podcast and any time to set it up and you know I go what

you from the what the con podcast what the fuck is that and you that'll actually see that the beauty of this idea is that it'll stick in their head because it's so annoying yeah right like that just that them having to give over their kitchen to this person who's brought this elaborate free and and cherry mash he's the thing he's what makes he that's a great point lucy just made i'm going i'm a build on here that's actually an interesting thing so it's got 15 garnishes all right and you have to shave carrots you have to shave scallions or slice them up yeah put it and you sprinkle all in the um what else get yams yeah and most of most of the garnishes will compromise the flavor oh it's not going to

that tastes great yeah but you but and and you get them have to waste uh so many different types of vegetables and and maybe jellies well you sprinkle you just sprinkle a bit of grape jelly in for each glass but you do it each glass right on the rim of the glass grape jelly so the point to you you have to show up but not just this drink but fit like like like a like a week's groceries worth of groceries to someone else's house well they're trying to make Thanksgiving dinner so you can make his cocktail yeah i love it yeah and then uh and then uh and then you can like kind of make a joke out of it throughout the night like hey don't don't spike the uh the brie and and cherry uh lucy's made a faux pot here and then but wait lucy's made a while you're actually just grinding up antidepressants

into it yeah look i want to laugh at that but you've made a huge faux pop sorry because you've just killed you we're trying to get people to do our bidding here that's what i mean I don't want to, like, you know, make it seem too cynical. Yeah. And what you, and you, what you just, you didn't call it what you should have. What? You said, oh, you know, don't, anyone spike the breed. Don't anyone spike the cump podcast breed.

You have to keep saying the name. Otherwise, we're just telling people to bother their family for no, for no financial gain to ourselves. All right. You can't, you have to keep branding it. That's part of the deal. Yeah, sorry. My bad. It's all right.

So what would you like to do to the company? uh brie and garnish milkshake grind up any depressants into it yeah that'd be good i mean yeah so like zanics yeah or just whatever's in the cabinet what happens if you take it is that like taking if you take it anything depressive when you're not depressed is that like something that like people enjoy i always assumed it just mellowed you out but i guess that's probably a little bit over simplistic yeah i don't think you just take prozac and enjoy it can you i mean i feel like a lot of people done just that i thought you had like build it up in your system for weeks maybe you do anyway but then you just take a bunch of wait now you know what i'm not recommending that no with that way you know

if anything i'm going to crush up birth control and uh that's just my family you can do whatever you can use anything you like you just got worried that people are going to actually do this and then we're going to be sitting in front of congress senator don't you know what a bit is Which senator do you think would be the most, hate us the most, if our Thanksgiving suggestions turned up poorly? I mean, I would love to get aggressively questioned by Katie Porter. Katie Porter would be amazing. Yeah.

Katie Porter's the one who's like a middle-aged woman. Yeah. He's always yelling at like Jamie Diamond from Citibank. Right. Or not the city, but Jamie Morgan Chase, whatever. One of those big banks. One of the richest guys out there. She has her, she always has her whiteboard with her.

Yeah. She was just berating this guy for like defraining this guy for like defraining. people or whatever she says yeah but she's going to turn her ire on us because you had to this crushed to this crushed cocktail to a girl a marketing campaign um but yeah at least it'll get the name out there the show yeah for sure there's no such thing as bad press even if we go to the jail um it's like so all right so we do i feel like we should have one more starch we can provide. Because that's what people like.

People like to take the potatoes. They like to take the corn and your rolls and cover it in gravy. What's another squishy thing we could have people eat? What is

bready that people don't eat as bread? Could we make like an egg salad loaf? egg salad is hearty with eggs but a baked egg salad almost like an egg salad meatloaf with olives oh but do you imagine it being in kind of a crusty shell like a beef wellington oh with a no like a puff pastry yeah no i was picturing more like a like a like a like a like a like a like the way a meatloaf gets crispy on the top or something and then maybe um and then you know of course look These are all, you know, you accessorize it.

You bring a gun and you put it down next to it. Or you tell people about how, like, you're thinking about harming yourself. And then like, and you offer them some of this comp, egg salad meatloaf. Yeah. Maybe we'll put other meats. Yeah. And the key with the egg salad meatloaf. Yeah.

Is to constantly compliment your own contribution. Yes. Like this way. Oh, of course. Yeah. To say, like, just keep saying, wow, the, the, the cum salad meat loaf is really, really the hit of the night, isn't it? I think I follow this comp style of meatloaf recipe to a tea.

Yeah. I really, I have the hands of myself. Right. And then also just keep like adding in how you shouldn't be ashamed for seeking psychiatric help or mental health, you know, constantly. And like, and also like, but also kind of lament that like younger people who are like, always talking about mental health or not, they don't have real problems. Like you just kind of, somehow kind of like try to destigmatize mental health, but also make yourself

more of a victim than most people. Yeah. While you're promoting the, the, the meatloaf, you know? Like, just kind of as a package, you know? Yeah, every, every, every self-aggrandizing compliment to the meatloaf should be paired with a vague threat of self-harm. Right, yeah. Yeah.

Or just like, or a strangely, you know, like a preemptive defense of like, you know, look, people say I can't hold down on a job, but it's just, it's not, I'm not, I'm not neurotypical you know like like some of you people i have i have a wild imagination and then sometimes you know uh people don't know how i take my tone and they think i'm threatening them when i hold knife and uh and then you as you look you don't ask anyone if they want you ladle this onto their plates you get up and you look you're gonna get up this is what you're gonna do you're gonna get up from the table every 10 five to 10 minutes and make the round and just ladle more of this crap onto their plate garbage food we're describing and you just you just may I mean people here's like a lot of

people don't like conflict so that you're not gonna some of you some of you will get called out because your family gets drunk or aggressive or you ever like you know you like to fight but a lot of people will just kind of sit there and take it those take the egg meatloaf on their plate they won't eat it they'll pick at it they'll try to push it aside and you're just going to stack more of it on top of their meal but like you know If you're afraid of getting punched because of it, I mean, that's going to happen, but most of the time they won't punch you.

And that's what you're counting on. You're counting on the, on the weakness of your family and also, or the politeness. And you're going to take it anywhere and abuse that. We should really make a book. We don't have, we don't have time for make, to make one this year. Next year, I want there to be a, I want a book deal. How to, how to bake chicken for your family.

and it's just and like so because people might buy it you know it's it's a bait and switch right you know we're not going to call it like how to how to be an ass and like just make make an embarrassment of yourself um we call how yeah something simple the guide to french cooking was called the joy of cooking you know and like you know whatever we'll have it made in china they they don't seem to care about copyright law over there right yeah so we'll print it over there we'll ship him over here and we'll sell them yeah just sell them on eBay I don't know, we'll go, whatever. We'll figure out a scam.

Moving on. That's our thing, holiday suggestions for you. We hope you have a lovely one with these tips. Remember, your family is wrong. And we're, you know, we're your family now. Taylor Swift's got a problem. What's going on with this? Moving on.

Well, there's a ticket master. So ticket master. Controversy. ticket master controls too much this has been going on for years and then I didn't even realize that because when I was a kid there's always ticket master people complained about it and they blame

the high price of tickets on ticket master but I feel like that's not necessarily true because I would get tickets to a band for like 30 bucks and then other bands charged like 150, 200 bucks sure so I don't it does I mean it's a side note I think ticket master is an easy way for people start raising their prices to be like is they're taking a huge cut no i don't know anything because i'm not in the position of self tickets um but that's you know i don't know i'm suspicious in general

but then live nine nation became a thing and i didn't even realize apparently think mr bought live nation yeah how long ago they buy it i'm not sure but uh so now they're a monopoly again okay so described the situation now why is taylor swift um in the news the conier attacker again so uh no he's uh he's too busy attacking other people at the moment but uh taylor swift uh has this big tour coming up i think it's called for this love story i think it's called eras is this for that song where she's like i'm a love story and you're still able she did that when she was 15 how was she now she's like uh she's at my age she's like 33 i didn't know all right i'm sorry oh you're Do you want me to keep track of Taylor Swift?

Would that be you feel more confident if I was a Taylor Swift? Like, you know, if I, if someone said, oh, she's like 28, hey, she's 30, three scumner. So if she had a new album when she's singing. It would be nice if you, it would be nice if you knew a little bit about her. I mean, she, all right. I mean, look, does she have that song? She's like shake, shake your ass or something?

Yes, yeah. Shake your ass. Yeah, that's, yeah. All right, you, that's, you know. Shake it off. Okay. Shake it off. What that means?

Shake it all. what she richard Simmons she's doing a weight loss video shake it off she was she did she do a fucking shake and bake things but the you cook chicken in the bad it's just someone someone had the idea to sell a bag full of breadcrumbs and you put your chicken into it's like we're doing something here but give us money and uh they should have sponsored Taylor Swift I guess go on so I'm sorry anyway whatever she has a new song I don't think shake a bake I could afford Taylor Swift at this point well you know just

people don't value family anymore that's true you know they eat their McDonald's and they're in their Taco Bell alone in their cars while they search for uh well they play on their switch yeah playing their switch they play little games on their switch um they play doom and and talk to their only fans girlfriends oh you think you think they're doing only fans jerking well oh only hands girlfriends yeah so they're the recipient okay i thought you I thought you were envisioning a woman, a woman in her car eating Taco Bell playing switch, but also like a separate phone there's like on a car mouse. She's just masturbating.

Yeah, she's also just like unenthusiastically fingering her vagina. I'm sure it's happened. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's got to be nothing worse than like a disinterested only fans. I can't get into the only idea of like, I mean, I'm not even sure that's the only fans is per se. they vibe stream but these ideas where you go into these like he's chats this woman's chatting you while she's like you know half naked or whatever i i to me it's always like oh like the idea like like you know it's always fake right right and uh the only time it works is if you're like

george cluny or brad pit equivalent right and you don't need this but like you you just you treat women like like they're like they're like they're paper like the currency you know then you can be like like james bond right like he like he like he doesn't have to pay you for, but you feel like sometimes you might, just for the hell of it. Right. But, uh, but you know, but my point is that, the whole thing just, I find, I find, uh, off-putting for me. Uh, I don't know why it's so funny to be like, you describing, like, the thrill of getting

a prostitutes, treating women like their paper. Like so many, like so many sheets of paper falling through my, my, my, I mean, you buy, you buy a, a rim of paper, you know, five, you know, five, hundred sheets for like very little money so it works i mean yeah anyway um but the idea of someone being disinterested at the same time yeah oh man that's got really and she's eating like a case a caserito or cheesy cheesy bean and rice burrito wow anyway um so taylor's has a new song and she's got a tour for that so what is this story why is this is a story.

Because a bunch of fans are, the army of Taylor Swift fans, which you may have be familiar with. I'm not. They're called Swifties. Really? And they're very passionate about Taylor Swift. And these are all like 14 year old girls?

Yeah, I would assume mostly. Okay. Yeah. It's not like grown men doing this, right? So they might be a little bit older at this point. I get the whole like gender isn't real, whatever. They can be men,

or whatever, or they can be whatever they want. But I'm saying is, but like personality wise you're like a 14-year-old girl right they're not like serious people like Colin Powell he's dead now right but he wasn't a swiftie right no probably not okay yeah no I can imagine like a brony actually being more uh being more of a serious person than a what's a brony Taylor Swift fan LeBron James fan uh the fans of uh my little pony who are grown men that's a did we talk is this what why are you saying it is if it's like Did we talk about this at some point?

Bronies? It's a deep... It's a deep-rooted American tradition. I feel uncomfortable that you're saying it with such casual, like... And of course, the bronies are driving in the crypto slowdown. So there's men who just get really to my little pony? Yeah. But like as a sexual fetish or like just...

No, just like they like it. I mean, look, maybe some of them actually masturbate to it and they're lying, but like... No, I don't understand, but all right. I wasn't playing on talk about this And I'm trying to like You know take a shot low hanging fruit Like oh it's easy to make fun of bronies you say Yeah

But like I don't understand if it's not If it's not a fetish then like Like I like like shows I like I got like Dragon Ball Z But like it's not like I don't identify Someone who likes Dragon Ball Z Sure It's just something I lie Like how are they how are they

How are they representing an old 80s cartoon In a personality without being sexual Well I think the rise of the bronies took place more with the reboots of My Little Pony, like, you know, Friendship is Magic and all that stuff, which I think is a more recent show, but... Okay, I've heard of that. So they're not even...

You would think this is a nostalgia adult thing going on, but no, this is about a reboot show. It seems to be fueled more by the reboot, but... So he's a bro-y man in their 30s, we're saying, who are getting really invested in a rebooted, My Little Pony show.

Is this show, like, I haven't heard much about it. This show isn't one of those things where it's like, no, no, you have to watch. It's like, when Ballastar Galatica came out, like, 20, 15 years ago, whatever, or on, like, sci-fi network. And, like, it was, like, you know, everyone kind of heard of the show originally, the original one, and they remade it, like, oh, you see this Bassar Gleggia? No, it's really good.

You got to watch it. And you do it. It's like, oh, it's really, no one's ever said that about my little pony. Have they? Am I missing? Is this, or is this the new wire? No, no. It's my little, is my little pony is a wire?

It's not anything that you wouldn't know. expect it to be i don't think what is going what you can't just casually drop this in my lap what are they doing are they dressing up like ponies like is that what's fun about it maybe sometimes i think the only reason that there's an identity around it is because maybe it's like a little bit gender non-conforming okay but that's all look like i and also age non-conforming i don't want to um my little pony is for a pretty young audience i don't want to be like the woke guy i don't want to be like the guy the SJW Ray some people say um but if if look and I don't think we need to like you know quote unquote cram this stuff down kids you know indoctrine or kids with gender is not

real shit that being said there are people who have gender you know issues of course yeah trans whatever it is I don't get into details if those people have nothing else to relate to except for my little pony we need to make something like it can't just be that we can't be we have to media has to have something so that middle-aged men aren't like forced to look i don't want to watch this crap it's written like by someone who's like you know it's written like a my space page but like i have no else nowhere else to express that my feel inside but we need to do better for them it doesn't be every show we don't have to make kids watch it right but you you know it's got to be something for these people besides my little pony sure anyway that's my that's my PSA food um so tay

Swift what's going on anyway so a bunch of fans of hers tried to get tickets they couldn't get tickets the ticket master site they try to get tickets for a concert yeah to put concerts on sale and they couldn't get tickets that's like isn't that a normal thing the ticket master's well not because they were out of tickets but because the ticket master site basically like crashed okay and now they're being somehow this is leading to them being like investigated under like antitrust laws which they probably should be but I'm not sure why this specifically is leading to it yeah well I guess I mean yeah a site goes down if any I mean look that's just the best just sucks I mean you know this happens sometimes right

yeah I don't know here's what I don't get when I was a kid there was ticket master right and like they would mail you the tickets or you show up at the tower records or whatever and you get the tickets and then comes out of a machine or I don't know they mail them to you uh I don't know in the monopoly right I don't understand how it's still a monopoly I was take like it's the one thing like you think about Microsoft right they had like a whole antitrust case like 20 years ago right but they like they have his operating system and it's like it goes you know and it's everything's compatible with it and like yeah they're being they're kind of forcing their operating system on to like you know manufacturers like you got to include our operating whatever like whatever they were doing but it's like a lot more count this is printing out tickets like how is it seems like the easiest thing to be able to break into why is there a monoton And nowadays you only print tickets. Yeah. You email people their tickets.

We go to Regal. I'm not trying to plug a theater here. We go to Regal cinemas. They have nice, you know, recliners and whatever. That's not the main thing I like about it. I like that you can just go on the site and you get your tickets. You pick the seats. And those are your seats.

And you don't have to worry that you might end up like, you know, two feet from the screen. Yeah. But why doesn't Regal try to hone in on, you know? Well, why doesn't everyone just do their own thing? What's my point? They don't have ticket master, like, you know, operating in their goddamn, like, little stupid theater seats what's going to like why why why is is ticket master like the mafia um but literally are there is the mafia run ticket master maybe it might be they did run a lot of the

recording industry for a while is it uh like how much of the recording industry i got a lot of it yeah there's a really good video uh you can just go look at barely sociable he's a bunch of videos about internet mysteries he's a youtube channel and he has a he did a video recently a but i watched and uh yeah apparently they ran in the jukeboxes and that that controlled the billboard 400 or top 40 where the fuck this is not a show we're not doing a serial podcast about the mafia right now i'm just saying like you know why is you know what it's it's like oh this a monopoly any schmuck should be able to like i mean they china has like knock off apple stores and no one's making tickets no one else can make tickets or ticket master yeah what's the deal here who are they who are they

blackmailing did Jeffrey Epstein run ticket master what's going on so what is going on so that would be investigated by the Congress yeah they're getting like a you know people in Congress or you know tweeting about them I think aOC tweeted about them oh what she say basically saying that they're a monopoly and they shouldn't get to operate the way that they do how they operate as a monopoly all right but look you have to kind of do a few things don't you like like i mean you can't just be like oh we're the only game in town doesn't automatically make you a monopoly right um i mean i guess you say figuratively it does but what she like what are they accuses them of like not giving good cheese in the backstage of uh for concerts

do they do they do they do they don't they don't even do that do they no what could they do differently like just not like they charge too much uh they charge i think they charge a lot. There's a lot of, yeah, there's a lot of charges, and then there's also, you know, just the quality of service suffering. So it's like, I guess as you become a monopoly, like, when you become a monopoly, the two things are probably looking out for are like, are you price gouging people? And then also is your like service kind of stalling and becoming inefficient? In a way that like, where you can't justify your. I don't, I don't want to. Preeminence in the market.

I don't want to disagree with you, but I don't think that's true. I think. I think it's usually you have to do anti-anti-competitive practices. That too. You have to kind of collude in like, and like, you know, in a non-natural way, kind of like, artificially kind of a raised, like, raise demand or whatever. Like, you know, you can't just, it's, my point is, I'm trying to figure out what we, like, why don't we, can we just print tickets for people?

why don't we do this is my point right what what's what do we need we need a big printer i mean not an inkjet printer we could do uh we could be the like the catch me if you can guy for ticket master tickets interesting we could do like really convincing counterfeits i wonder if we get over to the ukraine because a lot of people are there i've heard something i don't get into details about it but like they're now they're voluntarily evacuating whatever that means certain areas So I wonder if they have some old-ass, like, industrial printing stuff that we can kind of get over there and just take because everyone's, like, running away from missiles.

Can we pay someone to go over to Ukraine and just kind of swipe some of this stuff? And then, yeah. I think, is that war profiteering, sort of, but, you know, not the way people typically think about it. I'm not selling guns. I'm just stealing printers. And then, you know, maybe, maybe what's, just pay people to like squat in these where in these factories because we're going to put this

huge i mean i'm talking about the kind of things that like are probably huge printers right like the size of like a of a house sure that's true i don't think there's any printer the size of a house i think what you you're seeing a movie that has newspapers being made yeah but i don't think i don't think any of those printers are the size of a house there's tons of movies where we're that have scenes where newspapers are being going through i know the machines you're talking about and they're very big they're not the size of the house yes they are they were inside of big warehouses i mean they are it's the assembly line you think assembly line's not bigger than the house it can be i i went to the whole maybe okay maybe the whole assembly line i went to the um sniders pretzel

factory i believe on a tour uh well maybe it was the andover pretzel factory in pennsylvania i was a kid and they took us on this tour and they showed us the machines that make the pretzels they were huge all right and they and they would you know what they do they have his thing that grabs them and then like does like a twist like like their hands you know the hand was doing it but it's machines it was marvelous at the end they give you that does sound that sounds really really amazing it was cool and at the end they give you pretzels and so yes it's nice and like so why you ever take me to a pretzel factory oh god is is already starting this why did you ever take me a pretzel factory why don't you ever get me ESL language uh lessons why don't she

Why don't you pay to get me certified as a beauty technician? Sure, we'll do all of that. Thank you. Merry Christmas. But, yeah, my point is machines are big, even though you seem to think everything is an inkjet printer. I just think that when you're looking at an assembly line, there's a bunch of different machines operating on an assembly line.

Yeah, if you look at, if you rig this conversation and just say, well, I'm talking about the whole assembly line, maybe that's as big as like a small house but like if you ever been on a factory floor but what about cars the car a car factory is not big not bigger than the house they're much much bigger than the house the whole factory sure well the factory is a factory they had they carry an entire chat i don't know some of these things are big lucy i'm sorry the point is i'm just saying that a car isn't bigger than a house but the machine that makes it you can't the car doesn't get made by machine the size of a car you know sure think about

Think about this. You buy a waffle maker in the store. That's a big example. It's not much bigger than a waffle. But I mean, there are a lot of things, a cupcake maker or an oven. Easy big oven is much bigger on a cupcake, but you make a cupcake in it, right?

That's how it works. To make things, you got to be bigger than the thing you're making typically. So the printer that's making the tickets is got to be, we can't just do something on like an Epson printer. You know, we're going to staples every five minutes and get more ink and shove it in the stupid ink.

No, we have to get a big-ass thing that can print a lot of Taylor Swifting us. I'll make you a deal. I don't think we have time. We have time on this episode, but if you show me a printer that's legitimately as big as a house. Google. Printer bigger than house.

No, I want to, I'm trying to create this fence here. All right. Tune in next week. If you, when we actually type into Google and the laptop sitting right for those. us well over suspense with you know who would hate us Kathy Bates and misery if you if you how big it's a cock-a-duty printer if you show me a printer as big as

it has I will like make a public apology you gonna you're gonna you're gonna have to like you know I don't know shame yourself I mean I don't mean the weird way yeah but like on the game of throwing flagellate myself yeah the game of throw shame shame yeah yeah I'm not gonna get work around naked right you know well we get for the show probably anyway uh so all right i guess we look i was trying to be entrepreneurial i was trying to say hey i want to give you all the nice things all the raising brand lobes and the and the lovely houses uh maybe this is a way to get to get this stuff for you that by getting rich

making tickets for taylor swift but you got stuck on the you had to harp on this uh the print house it's not that big it's not as big as a house and like We could be making money already. This is demoralizing. This is, this is, I try to, I try to be a winner. And you're like, you mean, look, I love you. You're the best. But sometimes you're like the wife in that Twilight episode,

his own episode, where Burgess Meredith, he's stuck in the bank in the nuclear explosion. And his wife just crossed out. She, he likes to read and she was so petty that she, like, took his book when he wasn't looking and just crossed out all the words. That's like television's worst ever. wife it's a little much maybe it's a little but you're but you you seem to be on your like you know yeah I'm now I'm sorry that you're right now that is kind of an iconically bad bad woman

you're not it wasn't it wasn't that bad but thing but it was kind of taking the piss out of my scam printer idea in the Ukraine I well I think that's a good idea thank you I'm not too mad at you thank you so is Taylor Swift going to like quit music now yeah I hope so Anyway, thanks so much for tuning into the show. I'll miss her music. I actually think it's really good, but if she does quit. Yeah. This wasn't a real fight, by the way.

Yeah. People get into the past. How dare you accuse you compare Lucy to that woman in the Twilight Zone? And I have to respond. Like, shut the fuck up. She's mind me honest. And there will be other people. Except for a white night, Lucy.

There will be other people. This bitch does no shit about printers. oh god thank you for tuning into the show thank you if you like comp the podcast you want more of it we have a patreon where you can sign up for five bucks a month again extra episode every week for only five bucks a month that sounds lovely it's on a lovely deal so if you like that you can do that otherwise thanks for tuning in if you like to subscribe uh and also do everything we said you know not the pill stuff but the other stuff to share with your family to get to get them to listen to the show and uh yeah just tell them we're desperate but like in a menacing way

anyway have a great holiday where's the button