Kump - 137 - Scooby Don't

Episode Date: January 27, 2023

Ray and Lucie discuss Velma, a terrible crime, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Follow Kump on Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/raykump Kump Hand Merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Follow Ray on Sound Cloud https://on.soundcloud.com/QbP8

Hello and welcome to come. Hello. Hello, Lucy. How are you? I'm doing okay. You don't seem okay. down you seem you seem like you're having seasonal depression or maybe you ate some kind of weird meat or any of these true um you know seasonal the fresh maybe a little bit right i think i've just

been going into a spiral of negativity on the internet recently you've gotten back into your weird internet holes yeah lucy if you're not familiar has a tendency to scour the web Much like an FBI agent who's trying to, you know, infiltrate or make up an organization. Just kind of curiosity, I guess. I'm worried that you'll be radicalized one day. I get really into, I'll just buy up hateful sounding domain names. Really? So that the bad guys can't get them.

Well, that's everyone's excuse, isn't it? No. We didn't plan this attack. We just wanted the bad guys to get there. Look, believe me, if we didn't attack this thing, I don't want to be too specific to the flag us. It's really hard these days to parody any kind of activity. I don't even want to say what kind of activity.

If Al Qaeda... Don't say Al Qaeda. If Al Qaeda ever wants to have a pizza party, they're going to have to buy Al Qaeda Pizza Party.com from... Is that like a Pizza Gates slash terrorism thing? Somebody I know. Me. How much are you spending on this?

I've said thousands of dollars You have a wedding coming up You can't ruin us You can't be by all these terrorist domain names I set up a wedding website too I wonder if like people If you Google search because you own those domains If like if you Google or a wedding thing

Is it already those sites coming up Because you own both of them That's gonna look bad Good question That's gonna be a problem I'll sell you out I hope that people the deal with with uh who's the new who's the attorney general now isn't it the guy who's

supposed to be a supreme court guy met melvin garlic yeah oh yeah garland the garlick me mellick merrick garland sounds like a final fantasy character sounds like something sounds like like night of like you know evil this whatever uh i'll kind of deal with them personally yeah whatever i mean i i i have to drive I can't be caged I'm like a bird you know so whatever anything else did you have anything that you wanted to add about birds are you going to bring this up I mean should we do we can leave it for later no we can talk about it now I don't know if you're prepared to to defend yourself I don't have to defend myself I didn't do anything wrong what about birds what did I say about birds that you think is so wrong I mean just look

I'm not saying that you were necessarily outright advocating for people to have sex with birds. I never said such a thing. But no, I'm saying you didn't say that. I know, but you didn't say that. Well, they're saying on the show, but you've been hammering me for days, claiming I said this. And now you're trying to get ahead of it. And you're trying to say, well, I'm not saying, but you know I didn't say this. But I want to be clear in what the accusation is.

I'm not saying that you said that people should have sex with birds. I'm saying that you said it would be beautiful if I didn't say that at all I said it would be majestic I said it would be like I just said objectively speaking if you could

and this is the envision in the world where you were allowed to where it was moral where it was appropriate it would be a lot of things to imagine a bird was sentient and consenting and an appropriate side

What could be more majestic than making love to a bird? Oh, so you're actually imagining a human-sized bird. Well, I mean, some birds are as big as a person, aren't they? No, I don't think any birds. They used to be. Dinosaur birds. Maybe an ostrich, but they're really skinny. No, I'm picturing like there's eagles from Lord of the Rings that carried the hobbits, but maybe smaller.

So you are picturing fictional birds. Well, I mean, if they are real, let me know. You're not saying it would be majestic to have sex with a crow. No, a crow? You think I want to make love to a crow? First of all, make what? I don't, it's not like, I'm not talking about going to a bar and picking one up and then just, you know, like in the parking lot.

You're not talking about like, you know, if we're... You're not just going to pump a dump. A crow. I'm not doing anything with a crow. But I am picturing a scenario where it's like a heavenly kind of thing. It's like a place like heaven. I'm not religious, but like a place, the way people think about heaven typically, stereotypically. Okay, well, you're kind of stacking the deck in your favor by saying it's this thing that's obviously grotesque, but it's heavenly.

No, I'm just. So you can't criticize anything that's heavenly. No, I'm just, all right, fine. It's not heavenly. It's a play, it was happening in a place that's white and glowing and has just harps. But like a doctor's office? What doctor's office do you go to? What I have?

People open wounds and like three year old, three year old copies of highlights magazine. They're very white and the fluorescent lights kind of have a glow to them. I'm not, I would never have to make over a bird in the fluorescent lighting. All right. I'm talking about if a sentient bird could, you know, who also could could, There's so many qualifiers in this scenario.

It doesn't even make it work theoretically. You need so many qualifiers. What if you could, it could wrap you up in his claws and his talents and bring you to its nest and then just do stuff to you. That sounds horrible. That sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like a fantasy.

It sounds like a lovely fantasy. I'm not allowed to have fantasies. Like you're not even describing like, You're not even focusing on like, well, imagine it having this beautiful, you know, if you were painting a picture for me of like a beautiful peacock, a colored bird. It could have colors or something. But you're not even selling that up front. You're selling the horrible part where they grab you with their talons.

Picture. And they kidnap you and take you to a dirty nest. You're at a bar, a progressive bar. that but like it's it's like like if you went to one of those cocktail bars that made those like mixology drinks but it wasn't cringy the way it really is yeah it wasn't guys of handlebar mustachees and suspenders making you some kind of like syrupy gin drink but like a place where you're just drinking really nice like ale that's light in color and it's cold to the mouth and and this bird starts talking to you because it's a progressive bar they allow this they allow the birds a lot of places wouldn't and

and you're enjoying it well now it feels like you're just using the birds for some kind of desegregation allegory no doesn't seem respectful that's not the point it's just it's just reality i can't hide from reality and these birds are talking to me about something interesting like like nietz i'm talking to a bird about nietzsche and we're just we have a meeting on the minds and we're just getting, and I'm getting a little drunk and I'm waving my hands around. I'm yelling about tanks. Who's,

who's in things in what country? They're getting confused and they put their wing on me. And I feel something. Is the bird a woman in this scenario? I don't know. The birds have genders. Does the gender of the bird matter? Can a bird have a gender?

I'm just not seeing how any. Can the bird have a gender? I'm just not seeing how any. No, I'm not sure. I mean, aren't all birds both? Don't, like, have birds, like, impregnate itself? No. All right, well.

I think, I don't know of any animal. I don't know of anything that can impregnated. Some things, Ken. I just, and whatever. And this bird, every, we get a little drunk, and this bird just, you know, puts me in its talons, and it doesn't realize his own strength, and I get a little cut up.

But whatever, it takes me to this majestic nest. I don't see how any of this... It overlooks the Domino Sugar Factory, the old dilapidated factory. That's on the coastline of Brooklyn. I don't see how any of this is better than just having sex with a man... What? Who has... A man?

No, from my perspective, with a man. Yeah, with you, it could be a woman. I wouldn't do this. No, no. We're getting married. I have no interest in anything but you. I'm not accusing you of what... I'm talking about the theoretical idea.

I'm talking about the theoretical idea. I don't see how any of this is better than having sex with a man with regular hands who can maybe scratch you up if that's what you both want, but not just accidentally. Because it's being a clumsy bird. I have no problem with people being gay, whatever,

I don't care, but why are you jumping? The bird, like, why don't you just be gay? Like, why is that going to do with anything? No, no, I'm saying from my perspective, from your perspective, it could be a woman. Okay. but you're selling you're trying to sell people universally on the what man who scratches you up also carries you in his and flies you away in his wings

i just don't like the part where where the talons have to scratch me up because the bird is too done i am just being realistic i'm not fantasizing about the talents i am just being realistic not everything's a you know uh uh uh well i don't understand why you're painting everything's a romance not all right now everything's like fabio ripping off my belt and you know choking me with it and I like it that's not everything you can imagine a bird that knows about Nietzsche yeah but you can't imagine a bird that that doesn't that doesn't hurt you they don't have a postable thumbs Lucy I didn't say it was like a human being bird I said it was a big bird that was smart they still don't have opposable thumbs so I don't know what you want is to do you want them to have like a baby

Bjorn they slide into well maybe he could wear oven mitts oven mitts you're like this that's like almost this sounds racist you're being racist against birds why I should put it my mitts on those talent it's a majestic creature all right it's a demi god you know it's it converses with the higher the higher celestial being I thought it was just a bird that could talk it how it happened it doesn't dwell on the fact that's a demi god and it converses with celestial consciousness, but it's part of it, you know? And I don't ask about it, because I'm not, I'm not some, that's not what I'm about. I'm not like, I'm not some fetishist who's just like, oh, tell me about the celestial

forces that control the world. They don't want to talk about it. They want a human connection. Look, I mean, I'm the target audience for this. I, I, I, you're the target audience for like, you know, buying like, you know, domain names for like, you know, but two days before an explosion happens. I'm the target audience for this. I love, I, I, I'm enraptured by Swamp Thing and Injustice, too.

Swamp Thing's a disgusting animal. No, but I like the idea of a creature with wings holding me. Wait, Swamp Thing has wings? Yeah. I didn't know. In the video game he does. I'm not sure if he does in every iteration. Oh, right.

The game we play. His beautiful wings. Sure. In Injustice, too. I remember the movie. I don't think the movie from the 80s had wings. No, I'm probably. not but uh but but i'm not talking i'm into this idea but um you're too dedicated to it to it being this

literal bird look i just pointed out that it would be majestic and you couldn't accept it you couldn't envision a world where i could be happy with a bird and it's just troubling to me i mean i'm i am not saying to you like let me go steal a carrier pigeon or like you know or like someone's parents I'm not creep anyway welcome to the show uh you you are being kind of a pop culture uh wait what would you call yourself i'm a pop culture detective this week yes appropriate and you brought to my attention a new controversy yeah it's uh there's a firestorm um over this new velma show Now, what is this, Velma? Velma is from Scooby-Doo's.

It's from Scooby-Doo. Did you watch Scooby-Doo as a kid? Yeah, I don't remember ever, like, purposely turning it on. Me neither. Right? But it was always there. The thing that surprised me most about watching all of these reviews is how many people seem to really love Scooby-Doo and defend its honor.

I couldn't give a shit about Scooby-Doo. Yeah. I think Scooby-Doo can go fuck itself. I think I vaguely remember thinking Shaggy was kind of cute. You have an issue with me Making love to a majestic bird But you think that dirtbag Shaggy's You are all over the place, sister

It's just a laid-back guy Sure, I mean he's like probably He's like a sick boy in train spawning He's like a baby dying the floor Oh, Shaggy would never let that happen Yeah, he would He's more laid back than them He takes care of his dogs

Scooby takes care of him anyway tell me about this velma show um so velma has been remade it's a prequel velma has been remade you yeah and the a prequel to what it operates as a prequel to scooby-due why does scooby-due need a prequel it doesn't apparently apparently that was the last thing it needed so people are upset the who who's making this show is this uh who's playing In Velma, is it some kind of, uh, is it, is it, let me, let me guess. Is it an Orgy Plaza? Yeah, well, it's, uh, it's Mindy Kaling.

Mindy Kaling. Yeah. I know from office fame. I actually watched the first. Oh, yeah. Now, people are upset. Uh, I like, I actually liked it because, you know, um, I think, I think there's more shows where white people are shown to be as evil as the devil.

I like I like when shows just have like you know really scummy white people because they're white right I think that's fun yeah even if it just unravels the entire uh yeah pretense who watch this trailer uh sure let's see this trailer for Scooby-Doo is called Scooby-Doo Velma it's it just calls Velma okay let's see this Scooby-Doo has no place in this wait scoop when this scoop uh let's see the trailer I don't see when She'll be shows up. This is my story told my way. Damnies! My name is Velma Dinkley, and I've decided to finally share the bone-chilling events that drove me to assemble the greatest team of spooky mystery solvers ever.

This is my story told my way. She has no brain! I am not dissing her! She has no brain! And it starts with a murder. murder i mean that's really sharp rising that's that's there's a lot i have i i we just spent 10 minutes talking about making love to birds and we can't get a show on HBO but they just let this happen you explain the world to me there's a lot of um and you know like middy kaling is i mean it's not like obviously she's like a good writer like yeah look she apparently i like the office is

You know, some of my favorite show. Yeah. But some of my favorite episodes, she was the writer on. So as much as, like, she can seem annoying. It's like, you have to, you kind of have, like. But something happened here. Yeah, I don't know. I mean.

The writing is all, all the jokes are really long-winded. They're all very wordy. Yeah. No, it's like when you get money, you stop caring. Yeah. That's why we want, please give us money so we can stop caring. Yeah. Do you want us to keep talking about birds forever?

Yeah. We'll keep doing it. I'll keep talking. I will populate YouTube with I'll convince the world to make love the birds Give me some money so I could you know I could just make some show about teenagers, you know Playing lacrosse or whatever I can't convince people I didn't kill Brenda. I'm going to be arrested I know, but I also know how to find out who did kill Brenda I think it has something to do with drugs

Which I hate So he's he's shaggy this guy, but he's not really shaggy His name's not Shaggy He's not Shaggy yet Now they're race swapped Which I don't care But yeah but they are right Yeah

Like she's an Indian He's black Right But Shaggy famously wasn't black Shaggy was not Are people mad about the race swapping? I'm sure I think there are people

Look there are definitely people Who are like You hear their criticism And you're like Well you seem You seem less agitated About the bad writing Than you do about

Just like Right Why is Velma have to be in D? Right, but there are a lot of people who just don't seem to think it's written well, which is fair. Interesting. Hey, Fred. Do I know you? It's Belma from school.

I have a disease where I can't recognize people who weren't hot. Is it called rudeness? I have an illness. Was Fred even rich? He had a van. Maybe he may have been. I mean, it was Shaggy's van, right? I think it was, I think it was Fred's van.

Oh, really? Well, still, it's a van. It's not like a Corvette. Right. He's not driving around a Porsche. He's got some shitty van. I think maybe he was supposed to be rich, but still like... I think people just wore ascots back in the day.

Maybe. Yeah, maybe that's true. Low-hanging fruit. Hey, Daphne. I need a favor. Why would I do that? We're not friends anymore. We're nemesis.

that's why this is already way too many plot points it's just like it's just i don't yeah why why is this like even we even care this shows very bad yeah this episode was not i mean it it's uh it's self referential it's it's all right let's just get something straight no one cares about scooby-do i don't know where it's come they keep making movies out of this shit they keep Yeah, they do make a lot of movies out of Scooby. No, who cares about Scooby-Doo? It's a bad show who is best remembered for, like, people ripping masks off of, like, pedophiles and saying you were the one that, you know, sucks the kids.

And he's like, yeah, I want to get out of the way with it. Yeah, you're right. If it wasn't for Chris Hanson. It was that, yeah, you're right. It was actually bad. It always, it was very one-known. It's kind of more bare. Yeah.

I mean, the Flintstones was like their best. None of these things were good, the Jetsons. These were trash And we're at And like And it's like I don't Look I am

I don't care about race Whopping But why is this your target And by target I mean like Hey we want to take some of these people These characters Back from the clutches of white men

Right Which they're not They're making a point To the first line The show is something like that This is the story White men do But it's better

Blah blah blah Whatever Like it's like I don't buy into the fact That you need to do it But I don't give a shit Because it's Scooby do first of all and it's like whatever if you want to make Sherlock Holmes black go ahead

go make fucking uh if you want to make Jefferson Davies black go ahead yeah make a Civil War movie where Jefferson Davies is a black guy I don't care there is something kind of mean spirited though there's gonna blow past that what what you're gonna blow past that idea making Jefferson Davies black well to be fair a lot of people a lot of people think Jesus was black well careful because not everyone watches every episode people I don't even know we're talking about in the main feed that was on the Patreon oh right by the way son for our Patreon helps us do the show and more importantly you get an extra episode every week for five bucks a month it's a good deal it keeps us alive

I mean and also that comment will be put in its proper context I'm gonna put it in context now we went to we went to the Civil War Museum in New Orleans which is our opinion see more than a confederate museum or whatever and uh there was a crown of thorns that belonged to jefferson davies which he wore when he was you know in a prison camp after the war that was maybe given to him by the pope not definitely not it was given by some nun but yeah they people thought the pope gave it to yeah and uh and we just thought it was very darkly funny of him you know i guess i'm like jesus kre you started a secession you're like ah just try stone the crow that's No, Lucy was not comparing him to Jesus.

No. Anyway. That was just a very obscure reference. Sure. But, yeah. One refrain I keep hearing about the show, Velma. Yes. Is that people don't understand fully who it's for.

Like, it's, which I feel that way about pretty much every Scooby-Doo property after the initial show. There was four stoners, I guess, because they had a stoner character. I guess stoners and children. I think it was kind of subversive in the 60s to have a kid's cartoon where some kids obviously smoke a weed, which is shaggy. Yeah. Right? And he's talking to the dog.

Maybe the whole idea he's talking. Only he talks to the dog, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, it's obviously like a bunch of burnouts working in Hannah Barbera. So it was real clever. I'm like, oh, we're really getting over. They thought they were Hunter Thompson

And they were just bad animators And that was really seemed the point of it Also, I mean Han Barber was like a mill It was like, you know, they were just They would do like 12 frames a second animation They were just like they would just make the choppy shittiest animation You know, when things wouldn't even move

Yeah It's terrible. They put Batman in for no reason So how they had to have the rights but Batman and the Scooby-Doo? There were some episodes where Batman and Robin would be in Scooby-Wover those? No. It was a real thing.

That does sound bad. I kind of liked his kid. Were they the killers? No, they would help out. It was kind of fun. Batman would never help out those clowns. What do you think he would do? Like beat them and it was bare fit.

Everyone, Batman these days, they treat him like he's just this guy who hits people. They always dwell on the fact that Batman goes around beating criminals with bare hands. I just don't think he's a guy. I just don't think he's collaborating with the same. Scooby-Doo crew. Well, I, look, he abuses them. He wasn't taking his lead from the dog. You know, he was there, and I guess they were there.

And he's like, look, I'm not going to like, what are you going to do, tie him up? Maybe, yeah, just for their own safety. This is the Christopher Nolan movie, right? You know, he's a good guy. I'm not smoking weed with my job. He's a good guy. It does seem kind of mean, spirited to me.

One thing that I do notice about these, like, kind of rage baity, like, it almost seems like they're begging for the backlash, you know, like, it does seem kind of mean-spirited to me to, like, book this whole diverse cast, and then only give them dialogue that's meant to incite racist trolls. Yes. Like, it's like, you're just kind of like psychologically torturing your own people at a certain You know, like your own cast and crew. No, yeah, like, becoming, becoming an actor or an actress in Hollywood now is basically like a sacrificial act.

You know, it's like, it's literally, it's, it's mostly for the P.O., what do you call people who, because I kept seeing POC in these, in these things and these tweets and stuff. I'm a PEOC. And all these POC, people have come, whatever, I don't know. Different people, whatever, that's a fine way to say it. They're getting sacrificed. altar of like getting some ratings for HBO plus what it's called HBO backs hey hey back girl didn't do well let's let's offer up uh Mindy Kaling to the I mean but then again Mindy Kaling just seems like she's she's asking for no no I

think in this case she's scrapping for a fight in this case Mindy Kaling is the person doing the sacrificing oh okay but she's one getting you know shit on too yeah but she's also making all the money from it this is true it's like a snake eating his own tale yeah this is all how about they remake exo squad i used to like a show called exo squad it was about these neo sapiens who were i guess they were blue slaves genetically engineered and uh but then they overthrew the the humans and now they they're they're in charge which they should be i guess in that case they should be the good guys that i think about it but whatever but the show is about these like construction guys who have these mecks and they i guess they modify these mecks to become

they find and they had toys for it bring up exo squad like i want to show people exo squad bring up exo squad toy what if i talked about this before i love me some exo squad why don't they make that a prequel they make it all make them all black i don't care i don't care if the guy in the exos in the meck is black this looks terrible this is great bring up the exos squad trailer first of all let's look at this terrible i think it's like trash that's uh j t marsh i think his name is walsh that's alec something i think that's a stupid haircut he's got a great haircut you're you're crazy find a trailer for this please these horrible aliens it was a really uh cerebral show if i remember correctly i also

had this uh other bucky o'hare the rabbit that food i mean i got to buy some food fighters food fighters was great it was a guy it was a guy who is this exos squad this is the exos squad opening okay let's let's bring this up it was a golden age for all mankind using the incredible exoskeletons called eframes we had successfully terraformed venus and mars and were poised to move to the outer planet. This does look kind of cool, honestly. Yeah. But I wanted to just like this more.

We were pressed into a nightmarish war on a scale previously unimagined. We were attacked by our own creations, the Neo-Sapians, a race of artificially created humans. Led by Faton, they have seized control of Venus, Earth, and Mars. This is Lieutenant J.T. Marsh, member of the Exel Fleet, leader of a small band of each frame pilots dedicated to freeing humanity from Neosapian rule. Now, the question. Yeah. Is this a rip-off of Transformers? Like, I don't think. I mean, they're just mecks. I mean, if anything's a rip-off of like Japanese mech stuff, probably. Did it come after Transformers? Well, yeah, but it transforms, nothing like this.

I mean, it's kind of like, it's kind of like a lamer. There's nothing to do. First of all, if I remember correctly, the writing was much better. Transformers wasn't a good show. we're talking about this is like a complex show about like a slave uprising and like these people think they're the good guys i mean i don't know i remember being kind of they don't transform what are you even talking about yeah it's top way on hold on hold on hold on is top con maverick of transformers recall you're talking about no you know because that's more different we are the exo squad hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah we gotta watch that we're gonna watch some exos squad

even on the comped-up uh patreon tier yeah sure i'll give it a shot and we're gonna love it and then we're gonna watch the whole series me and you uh why why not just make all we make that make a little black make someone from indian an Asian guy I mean why are we allowed to just say Asian why why you know I feel like I'm more not racist and somebody people who say they aren't racist. Why? Because they say Asian? Because I would say get a guy from Singapore, get a Malaysian, get a Filipino,

get a Sri Lankan, get a fucking, you know, Bangladeshi in. Bangladesian? You know, get a guy from East Timor. I just don't just say Asia. What is that? Um,

do you really want to get that many people? Well, no, whatever. I would say, hey, on this project, I got an East Timor than a Bangladeshi, a black guy from America, a West Indian black guy. You know. Yeah, sure.

And then some fucking, and some Dutch asshole. Mix him in there. Fucking mix it all up. Make a fucking soup. Don't just say we need more POCs. Which POCs? Right.

You know, I don't like to make anything about a race. You know that. But it's like if I was going to do it, if I was going to be a cynical operator, you're like this, I would do it. Get a Bangladeshi. People can't even do their own scam.

This is some hardline diversity. I'm just saying you want real diversity. You know, let's see what the Bangladeshi thinks of all this. The Bangladeshi, is that how you say it? I don't know. I don't think that's a word. Bangladeshiian. Google for me.

No way. Google for me, please. There's no way. what do you call a person from bangladesh or just look at bangladesh it probably is the word well that's what you call it bangladesh annie bangladesh's yeah i was right and you thought i was racist oh yeah apologize no so stubborn um sorry so velma it's is it doing well is it doing well with the reviews I think people are trying to avoid reviewing it. I heard something else.

I heard that it's got 50% critical review and 6% of the audience likes it. Yeah. To be fair, the audience might be going a little bit overboard. It is a very bad show. It's a bad show. But it's like there are some things that I interpret as like valid attempts at humor

when I watch the first episode. It's just like it just didn't land. But like the thing with like, you know, the cockroach comes out and then another cockroach starts fucking it. Like, it's not funny. It didn't land. I didn't see that part.

Wait, there's a part like two cockroaches fucking. Yeah, but I kind of see why, what they were going for. I missed this in the first episode. Um, I watched like three quarters of, like the first 30 seconds of the first episode.

I must have missed that. There was a whole gag about them being like in the shower together. These girls. It's an Easter egg. Wait, what, because these girls in the shower and there was cockroaches were having sex with each other?

It's a sight gag. It's a quick sight gag that happens when Daphney. he's noticing how gross the school is or something. Oh, and these cockroaches are making love. Yeah. That can be majestic. Yeah,

you don't know. You think bugs are just disgusting. You just think making love to anything is majestic. I don't. They have wings. They can fly. The giant cockroach could fly you away. Anything they can fly you away could be majestic.

You know, I might actually prefer it to the bird. What? I might prefer the cockroach to the bird. You can't even kill a bug that's like the size of your, you know, fingernail you're gonna make love to a cockroach of size of me yeah but i'm assuming that they're both kind of cast in a heavenly light there's no halo this isn't you know what are you talking about you're you're the one who brought the idea of heavenly light into it all right because you think

that cockroach is gonna fly you into into the gates of heaven i mean as a bird is one thing but you think you think heaven is populated with giant roaches i i just think that a roach would be a more comfortable flying companion i think that a roach wouldn't wouldn't um you know i i don't think a roach would be as pinchy when it was flying into the gates of heaven as a bird you are i imagine like a big bird of prey first of all i i said an eagle or some kind of falcon not those are birds of prey yeah but they also they're just majestic but i mean you you know for a fact you're lying it's through your teeth because you can you hate bugs you hate roaches look i hate it you so part of why i hate them is that they're so small and weird looking so if you saw a giant

cockroach you would get down look i'm not saying that i would immediately get wet i'm just saying that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's you know i think the cockroach if i could get You turned out by the name, Cockroach. You think he's got to have a huge cock. I wouldn't love the idea of a giant bird either. Like, I would have to be sold on both, but I think the cockroach would be a more comfortable, you know, person to whisk you away into the sky.

I don't know what goes on in your head. Anyway, uh, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, besides Xo squad. Hmm. Oh, maybe the animorphs. Wait, what are the animorphs again? No, you, wait, you gave me a Shibat Exo Squad being a Transformers ripoff.

Animorphs is literally a Transformers ripoff. That's not true. There's elegant simplicity to the premise. It's people turn into animals. Why? Because it's their power. We have an animal's trail. I don't think I've ever watched animorphs.

Are these people who, like, worship some kind of weird animal god who, like, and they sacrifice children to get this power? um hi my name's jake i thought what the hell is this it's the animorphs when's this come out

hold on i forget my childhood it's kind of a haze but it's i knew who i was a kid you like to do normal things you know go to school play video games hang out with my friends but the other night my whole life changed when my friends and i were given the power of morph

you know change you know change shapes become animals so now Marco Cassie Tobias my cousin Rachel this is this is disgusting no it isn't they're turning into beautiful animals I don't like this is practically what you're fantasizing about I don't like this a little a young a young man turning into a horse I don't like people I thought it was cartoon it's like power rangers but they turned like into raccoons or something they start eating on your trash no no I'm taking the lead on this honestly that's not a bad idea for a reboot the raccoons the ed the animorphs who don't morph into a beautiful animal right that have to

morph into uh raccoons and it skunks and like you know uh what was what's a disgusting animal um a sloth so that's are cute no they're not tree sloths are adorable no they really aren't you just think they're adorable because they're all vulnerable and slow they're vulnerable they'll cut you up exactly if a sloth could move fast everybody would treat them like monsters you know like if a baby could shoot you it would whatever have you ever seen them on the road have you ever seen the sloth just splayed out on a road not in a tree yeah is every half its body is obscure everyone has it's the most famous video sloths on the internet you want to play that they're disgusting i mean honestly

the picture makes it makes it more drives it home more than any video i find a picture of a sloth i just look It's a freakish-looking animal, but I find it endearing. I don't like their human faces. But they're not human. I mean, you, you, they're kind of human. I love the idea that you, like, you see a, you be a police lineup for a rape, a murder rape. Yeah, bring, make that bigger.

Make that full screen. I'll put it up. I like the idea of you being poured or a police lineup because you witnessed a murder rape. And you, it was like three, four guys, it's trees lost, and you couldn't tell which one was a human. all right let's make this this fun look at this an adorable creature it's terrible i think it's adorable it's just sitting there going what's up bud it looks like another animal is trying to

climb out of its back too you're talking everything about this animal is disgusting what animal looks like it's climbing out of its back it just looks like it has a big slit down its back and some other animals don't say slits that classy i mean look it does have those like vicious looking claws i bet i mean you know if a sloth tried to carry you away you fucking there's a go six inches inside your asshole no one's that but he looks cheery he looks he looks yeah he's got a coolest position he'd share his uh his bicycle with you he'd show you he show you his exos squad collection i'd love to i'd love to hang out with this sloth i hate them you're you just want the world to burn no i just feel like they look i don't know they

It looked like a human soul is trapped in there. So that's good. I mean, the human soul's trapped in you. What's wrong with that? Yeah, but I can walk around and have sex with birds. Who are you,

Ken Jennings? Like, you know, what do you say? It's nothing worse to a hot girl in a wheelchair? No, look,

you're the one being Ken Jennings if you think there's no distinction between a person in a wheelchair and a sloth. No, I'm just saying the idea that you can move around is the difference.

you know like oh i i did a soul is trapped in a person in a wheelchair because they can't move around to the bars where the birds hang out that's what you're saying if i could start a society from scratch there would be a rule where if you see a saw you have to burn you have to burn it so are lucy's advocating so you're kind of like the anti-agre that dumberg i can't do it we can't do it now Because we know, you know, obviously, if I had the benefit of, you know, not knowing. A conscience? Yeah. The benefit of a soul?

If I had the benefit of like not knowing what randomly killing animals does to nature, I would love to. We do, well, first of all the time. What? We eat meat all the time. That's true. Yeah. No, yeah, you're right. So it's actually not that different.

It's not hypocritical. It's just, it's a, it's a strange. You reason is strange. And it's just belies. It's more like a serial killer. I don't know. I don't know if it's serial killers. I'm genuinely disturbed by these things.

So if you saw this lovely little creature here, your first thought is to grab a large stick. Cover it in like, I guess, that gauzy material to use, a big bandage, whatever, an ace bandage, an oil. I'm not sure how to make a torch. and then you light down a fire kind of like in the Revenant

and you just stick it I wouldn't honestly I wouldn't even hide in its carcass if I couldn't fit in its carcass I wouldn't even do if I could I wouldn't you're making a reference to the Revenant with the horse I mean maybe that's what that giant slits for

maybe I don't look I don't I don't go around the world saying if I can't hide inside your carcass I'm going to burn you that's not how i live my life it's fine that you do i'm not going to judge you because you know people who live in glass houses um you know be careful you know burn burn sloths i guess anyway are you evil we should take this off are you evil are you evil

anyway it's fine uh what speaking of uh evil things you also part this is to my attention there's a there's apparently a doomsday clock somewhere you didn't you didn't know about the doomsday clock i mean it sounds i know about the debt clock or whatever you've ever ever ever heard the term doomsday clock i just sort of like a metaphor for like you know something like you know Wow, with a real doomsday, but someone's actually made a doomsday clock. Yeah, it's a real fake thing. Okay, let's take a look at this. The doomsday clock is ticking closer to planet annihilation today.

The delivery of that is just so amazing. Are we just living in the movie Robocop? Yeah. This is like, this is like someone on bad sci-fi movie where it's like, well, well, satanic omen that lives in alaska as uh as gave us a bad prediction this week it was moved 90 seconds closer to midnight the doomsday clock was founded exactly Hillary clinton no it's some of the old woman these don't seem like atomic scientists these these seem like a bunch of fucking like people who were like part of like a

buffy the vampire slayer like a fanfic group on facebook it attempts to gauge how close humanity is to destroying the world the hope is to spark conversation this is about it is 90 seconds to midnight it's about difficult scientific topics why is there only a quarter of a clock crane the threat of nuclear escalation and climate change where nuclear escalation so it's not just about climate change this is about like whether they've made a clock about whether or not we're gonna actually like attack each other yeah doesn't make any sense I think that's why it was initially created.

Look, we have words for a reason. We have language for a reason. You know, we can talk about, you talk about the Cuban missile crisis, right? And, like, you know, all the intricate, you know, negotiations and stubbornness that happened and the back room negotiations with the Trident missiles and, you know, we traded the Trident missile system. But we didn't even want any more turkey or something like that. right yeah and then absolutely anyway but we got it gave him a safe face all these intricate things and then we're gonna put in a clock it's not time yeah you know it's just like people who make

mathematical models which is this a little more you know uh what you're call it uh controversial or whatever about well i'd say you know people don't agree with me but it's like you take all this information that we have in the world and you and you have to strip a lot of it away to get into a mathematical model And then you try to figure out, you know, well, then you can predict the economy from that. It doesn't make sense. Why don't we just use reason and information and context? No, we want visual aids. We want props.

So what's this clock do? I mean, they're going to show the clock moving? I don't understand why there isn't the rest of the clock. I think I, are, have we used up the other three quarters of the clock? Wait, it's only, it's only, it's only this one sliver of clock? Smooth forward. Please, let's put that on pause. Yes, yes.

Who are these idiots, CBS Miami. Yeah. This is funny. Uh, can we get a doomsday clock in here? I don't see why not. Why we make our own, like we might as always make our own doomsday clock.

Yeah. We're, we're at 6.45 on the doomsday clock today. And I'm just going to put it. I think every day we should make a little video posting our doomsday clock. It can be, and we could decorate ourselves. Mm.

It could have skulls and people making love to birds. You know, it was all time. It was every see there's all time he clocks. There's like, there's really ornate clocks that are the size of like a room. Like cuckoo clocks? No. Oh my God, no. Look up.

Please Google for me. This is going to blow your mind. I think I saw it in Pennsylvania. Somewhere in your Lancaster. There's a little museum or something. Look up. extremely intricate religious clocks I'm going to buy that domain name

for that $9,09,000, you too can own an extremely intricate religious clock These aren't seem that intricate Look up size of a room Add that to that Of a room I'm going to do religious clock size of a room these things these things are literally like like Mr. Rogers

like the puppets and Mr. Rogers what did you see these at a museum can I yes I don't know what museum why was some crazy museum in Lancaster um religious like just type in religious clock oh god I mean I'm not yeah that yes all right bring that up so let me zoom in on this a little bit so i wish we could get a video of this we'll find the name of it so we can find them look at this like the things will come out of all the doors and it's crazy what thanks demons saints pictures of like figures of saints and the virgin mary

and the baby jesus and all sorts of shit hold on what what is this thing called i don't know you're the one who told me about it no i'm saying this google like get out of the picture we're getting to a mystery here well i want to see what the name of this is and we can make my kind of video um oh yeah museum of lancaster just click on the link astronomical clock I don't know. No. Go click on the link for that thing.

I'm okay. For the National Museum of Lancaster. And see what they have. And then we can look up one of them. Notable exhibits. Yeah. Sundials, hourglasses, fire clocks. They don't look at us any of the name.

Monument clock. What is that thing called? Monumental angle clock. Google that and put it in YouTube or something. this is going to blow your mind you this is going to make the doomsday clock look like fucking cancer there we go okay okay See? See? You see it's moving?

Yeah. It's incredible. Look at this. Are these child soldiers? They got skeletons. Yeah, this. I mean, look, it's impressive. It seems a little bit.

The themes seem a little bit incoherent. The guys who made them are crazy from the 1600s or whatever. These people are out of their minds. Everybody, who's making clock? I mean, why would you make a clock like this? Do you think, whoever made this must have thought that God was telling him to make the clock, right?

Yeah, he was probably eating like erogat mushrooms or whatever. Hmm. See, no, that's... Now there's stuff going on up top. This is insane. And so these assholes, I'm doing this to the middle and make the point that these assholes are just having a paper machine clock

They're calling your doomsday clock. Yeah. This thing's got skeletons built into it. It doesn't even move. You need to move the... They're assholes. Yeah. There should be intricate displays of everything that's making the world dangerous.

Yeah, these pictures of, they should be like toxic. It should be a little Grether Thunberg action figure. Yeah, getting melted by toxic waste. Yeah. Yeah. And someone having sex with a bird. Yeah. Separately.

Now I'm next to Grasthumburg. That wouldn't be appropriate. You know. But, like, you know, it's just, this is the apocalypse we're talking about. You could have one little section that's, like, the Titanic hitting the iceberg. Yeah. That's just metaphorical. Like, it's not like, you know.

And then there's the ex-emvalides hitting the, whatever. Yeah. That's not metaphorical. The X-N-Valdives was an oil tanker that dumped a bunch of oil on a bunch of seagulls or something. Everyone got pissed. Remember that? Now I'm actually really sad that there isn't a doomsday clock. I know.

We should make one. We should, we should have, like, everything. And we should scam people into paying for it. We, I want, when people look at it up on, okay. When people look at some on Wikipedia one day in the future, I want there to be a section for like, doomsday clock controversy,

which explains an ill, ill-fated scam that we had going, where we built people out of money to fund a very intricate and extravagant, doomsday clock you never materialized. I think first step is to buy a better, doomsday clock.com okay you're all about domain names yeah I'm for it I'm into it we should make that a goal on Patreon sign up for our Patreon we get enough we get

enough we'll make a better doomsday clock if all if if a third of you watching now sign up for the Patreon we'll make a doomsday clock is that how it works that will be be able to tell the third of them should have to keep things vacuous you can't just be like you keep moving the goal post now we're like you then you go no we've been a third because people go look at youtube numbers and they have no like no one knows what the audio we know what the audio numbers are but it's not like but youtube we can see it we meant everyone not just the YouTube people you keep moving the goalpost right a third of everyone but we have tens of

thousands of people on all you hundreds of thousands and they don't most things that much also have you know a larger thing on YouTube most might we're we're a very audible show audio all I want to say audible that's a company and we're not on audible and we don't they will sponsor us so I don't want to say we're an audible show but hey audible if you want to sponsor us our doomsday clock we should write a book an oral history we should write an e-book and that way we can say we're the authors of a better doomsday clock the novel yeah and it's just a 10-page book yeah that's mostly asking for money but this is that this is how you get things going all right don't you want don't you want a nice cake at the wedding

like an endymond's cake I would love a nice cake Can we get at risk of not having a nice cake Can we get Entemans to make us a large cake For the wedding Like a lot Can we? Oh my God

Can we get an Endemans coffee cake Custom made for the wedding We must be able to That would be amazing They must do that Can we do coffee cake? Coffee cake's the best I mean I like their chocolate on chocolate

What's personal? I don't eat that shit Chocolate cake, chocolate for us No, coffee cake We can do one layer Chocolate, chocolate, another layer of How can we just get a bunch of boxes? Who are we kidding?

What are we doing? Every table gets a couple Entomins boxes on them. There's a donut's in there, some fucking pop-up. Are you going to pop-ums? Well, tell them. We're doing this at a gas station.

If you want to come by, you're welcome, but, you know, you've got to pay for your own intimates. We used to go for, like, church things or something. There was an Endemans, like, near my house where I lived. There was, like, a town or two over. There was an Endemans, like, factory. And he had a factory store where I don't, I think it was like the defects or something.

You could buy cheap. And when we do, like, church stuff, we would buy defects, I think. Or maybe it wasn't defect. I don't want to get slandering people. Maybe it was just, you know, maybe the coffee cake was fine. It's just, you know, dented. It's sort of spit on. but we can get that we get that real cheap we don't have we don't have to do this but you

have to get on board with this fucking scam all right and you guys are a help out too sign for the patreon we have an entomence here if if 32.6% of you sign up for the patreon you get an end of his cake shouldn't say that and we'll sue us over this it'll be in court Honestly, I mean, the episodes you get should be worked more in the Intimans cake. I can't imagine an episode of our show. Like, four episodes a month isn't more valuable than Intimans' cake. I'm trying to tell it to a lawyer on the stand. I mean, our lawyer is telling me to shut up.

I told you not to talk, you fat thing. Oh. Uh, what else is going on? Germ. Oh, so we're setting tanks to, uh, the Ukraine. Let's bring this. Us in Germany.

Hold on. Well, there was a whole thing. Explain the situation. Germany always almost tried to try to cheat Ukraine out of their tanks. I remember, like,

so last week there was this whole thing where, you know, we kept, we were hammering, you know, Biden and whoever were looking on. Germany's got to do their part

and sent tanks to Ukraine. And I'm thinking, where the fuck is going on? And apparently now we're sending our tanks and now I guess Germany is like I guess we'll send tanks. I don't know if any of these people remember a them called World War II. Do you remember World War II?

I'm familiar with it. I'm not saying Russia is going to be the most reasonable guy. But if you have any aim of like de-escalating tensions in a conflict with Russia, I don't know if we should be pleading with Germany to send tanks to the Ukraine and perhaps on the border of Russia. It just seems to really, I don't remember Stalingrad and Leningrad when they siege Leningrad with tanks and people want cannibal inside of it. That happened.

A million people died in Leningrad. Now, I'm not saying, in this case, Russia is not the aggress, but I mean, it just seems like we're asking for a doomsday clock scenario. I don't what what is going on is this is this by a picture of Biden who is that it was a German guy they still have the iron cross on their tanks is that true well I don't know the

is that the iron cross something is they Hitler I don't know why we're doing this oh they got it like half disguised what is this like Yeah, we got a tank common. It's terrible.

Anyway. Who would you, who should have sent tanks? Who should or shouldn't? I mean, who should? Maybe the French. The French could afford to send some tanks, I think. More importantly, the French didn't invade fucking Russia. Yeah.

Yeah. They didn't kill a fucking million Russians. Um... Japan, maybe? Well, I mean, again, it's part of the axis. Maybe leave them out of this one. I'm just saying, I mean, what are the Russian people going to, you know,

we're trying to get the Russian people to, like, do something about Putin. I don't mean, coo. I mean, maybe vote them out. They have elections. I don't know. But, like, you shouldn't be playing right into the guy's hand. You know, he can just point and go, look, they got German. Remember these?

And he's German tanks? Yeah, yeah, I guess this isn't good. What about Ecuador? I mean, they have. Ecuador would be a nice neutral country. It's a far way to go. I guess when you send tanks to threaten people, it's hard to be like,

no, but I'm a neutral party. Right, no. Didn't these proxy wars used to be a little more discreet? I don't know if World War II that's as much to do with Putin's mindset as like Germany is sending tanks now. Yeah. But so, yeah, what is the deal?

Didn't we used to do these things under the table a little more? We didn't have like the president pleading to send tanks. thanks the countries it was more like we just do it and everyone knew to see i was doing it yeah but i don't think i think now that we have like a now that you know zolinski is i guess popular whatever because that show he was on we because he was a sitcom star ukrainian sinfeld whatever yeah we love our sitcoms yeah um i guess i guess it's okay to do it kind of more

publicly send bruce durn over there everyone likes bruce durn to do what i don't just talk to people a U.S.O. thing. I love him. But then they've got to take care of Bruce Dern. Oh, right. So you have a couple of guys watching Bruce Dern. Oh, big fucking deal. That's going to turn the title of war. The morale is important. Anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.

Thank you. As we said before, if you liked the show, you want to support the show. Sign up for our Patreon. patreon.com. So let's Ray Kump. And then you get an extra episode every week for five bucks a month. That's a pretty good goddamn deal. and you support the show you keep us alive you keep us from being dead

and you get content extra content it's very great it's lovely I think it's lovely it's majestic as majestic as making love to a giant bird in heaven I think you're mocking me but I agree so you can do that otherwise thanks for tuning in and we'll see you next week have a great week

Thank you.