Kump - 15 - The Passion of the Kump

Episode Date: April 21, 2019

In a special Easter episode, Ray takes a deep dive into the final days of Jesus Christ, and also contemplates extorting Julian Assange. 

Firestone Complete AutoCare's epic savings event is the sign you need to stop putting off your car's maintenance. And you can save up to $100 on tires and services while you're at it. Don't wait, call Firestone Complete AutoCare for an appointment. Hello, welcome to the show. It's Easter. So happy Easter. This is always a big time of my life. I was raised to love Jesus.

So Easter was always a big deal. We got to watch him die. And then he comes back over and over. It was a great time as a kid. I spent a lot of time. I think we're off from school. Easter week we were yeah so we would just get to fucking stay home but instead of like playing video games they still like go to church a lot that week I remember being his Palm Sunday then we'd be

there for during the week just to help set up for the fucking great Holy Thursday Mass where Jesus gets led down and betrayed and then uh his Eucharist is taken to the cafeteria um from the tabernacle you guys don't know what I'm talking about but my in my uh church we had a a school Frateria, you know, some of the school there, was like also the auditorium, and that's where we brought the Eucharist, because it couldn't stay in the tabernacle. The tabernacle is the space where the Eucharist, the host, the cracker, if you will, that was Jesus Christ, or is Jesus Christ, or would become, I don't know, I don't fucking, they're crackers, and they go, they can't stay there anymore, because Jesus is dead for those two

days. It's symbolic, I guess, but also literal, because people, you got to understand about this, the Eucharist. I mean, we'll get to, we'll expand on the, on the mythos of the whole, you know, before we get to, let's just thank all our Patreon, uh, patrons

who allow me to get up every week and, and talk about my religious upbringing and how Jesus is going to welcome me back into the fold. Uh, this is being financed by our patrons and I want to take the time to fucking, you know, just high, You are my sheep, are my flock.

And I want to make sure you get benevolent, the benevolent wisdom of Kump. So Diane Cage, Michael Ricardo, Richard Hofstetter, Jason Duberville, Gary Barbarra, Ryan LaRocke, Keith Veronese, and Eric Frankel. I haven't heard Julian Sange, but I think that was just a note from last week.

I don't think that he was a patron. that would be great though Julian Assange wants to donate on Patreon I will accept your money And a lot of people are out there And we're glad you're fucking To spend 100 years in jail If you give me any money

I won't take it I'm not one of them I'll take Julian Assange's money I mean Does he have any money He was spending a lot of time The Ecuadorian embassy I feel like not putting in

For like the pizzas and shit And if you had money the whole time It'd be a dick move But then maybe he's got like a couple grand and he's like I'm gonna be here a while it's gonna run out so he might as well not set a precedent for chipping in the pizza but whatever I'll take it if you got jewels if you got it I'll take it give me that money give me that cheddar

uh give me that wiki leaks cash uh if you got it and if you don't maybe I'll have the government prosecute you in any way you can so I'm gonna start extorting people but I'm not a rat per se but if I can help the government track down my people who don't donate on Patreon on maybe I will maybe that's maybe that's the kind of incentive you people need uh maybe maybe it'll make more content and put it on there either way uh what's up in the air but yeah so holy thursday i mean this is the whole thing so we'll just start at the the whole uh beginning of the end i guess because jesus was this guy who spent like the first 30 years of his life i guess

just humping around uh not humping you know relax he wasn't fucking i guess i maybe he was fucking married man or some other person i don't he's if he's supposed to be a man the whole point of jesus he's supposed to be a man he's god but a man so why the fuck can't he fuck why can't he stick it in something like hey jesus i need you to go down because this is god talking to him i need to go down you know experience what it's like to be a man so i can i can know what it's like we can we can know what it's like we're holy trinity it's insane this whole thing's fucking bonkers. Let me feel something. And it's like,

all right, cool, but don't fuck anything. What's fucking? I don't know what that means. Oh, it's the one thing everyone wants to do. You shove it. You shove it's this dick. You, what's a dick? It's this fucking thing that hangs off your cry. Don't worry, but you'll see. You'll piss out of it. And, you know, most of the time just pissing out of it. But, you know, sometimes

you jerk it, you put some friction on it. I mean, I'm now just explaining how a dick works. But, you know, the point is, it's great. and that's the one thing you don't do well why not oh because I'll get mad like you know if you think about like the idea

that's omnibbitant being I know I'm like just retreading water but you know he's gonna fucking start like you know he's watching you fucking jerk your dick and you're going this fucking pig look at this fucking stuff like when I'm fucking jerking my dick

you think he's just like look at this fat fuck look at this fat fucking pig I give him this dick to piss out of him what's he do he jerks it he jerks his fat prick oh man he was a guy guy's probably not call my fit prep brick he's go his fat pricks jerking his

brother his fucking slob dick he's jerking his slob dick instead of getting a job what's he watching fucking grandma porn fucking old lady and young guy or young guy young girl and old guy that's not what I watch I mean I've seen them they kind of that my thing

But, you know, that's the one time God would look at him. I'm just, oh, what's this? This is kind of weird. It's just, you know, an older Russian grandmother. Not grandmother. I mean, I would just click that off. I mean, you know, but there's some, there's milk porn, this milk porn. You know, there's a porn that has, like, you know, a girl who's 32 years old who has, like, a fucking, you know, an infant baby.

He's like, ah, milf. And then there's, like, you know, like, a Russian woman. It's probably involved in Compromot. you know the the KGB practice of of getting compromising information compromise is a good word and uh she's a compromise pussy

a whore prostitute she's one of those women who'll bang like a semitter and then like someone will take pictures and they'll show you know but that that woman gets older so when she gets older she's like oh I can't do compromise anymore unless you got some good guy of an older woman fetish

not they need an older woman's fetish but come on you know people we know we know who gets put on magazine covers and they're the elderly. Let's relax. I'm not the ageist fuck here, right? It's society. Don't blame me. All right? You want to go jerk off to all people, go ahead. Getting that short line.

I'm not the fucking one making how the world works. But, uh, why am I talking about Compromot? Um, Russian woman, old woman. Yeah, that's when Jesus you know, find me. They're going, what are you doing? Why don't you go fucking fix this shit? It's actually my dad probably, but whatever.

So, yeah, so the point is Jesus wasn't allowed to fuck, according to God. But he, you know, the other shit, he fucking did carpentry, and he built tables and chairs. He was one of those hipster kids in Brooklyn, Blembersburg's. I'm a carpenter. I only use spokesaves. I don't use power tools. I bake this whole thing with a spoke shave and mortar and tenon joints. And it's like, fuck you.

because he's watching this guy Yankee Workshop on TV he was he had like a 2 a.m. you know when his channels you have 6 a.m. and you see him on a fucking

history channel just making a table out of fucking sprockets or whatever the fuck and like he was cool but he was like an older guy but these fucking kids

are 20 years old fucking why don't you fucking learn how to use a router because that's the thing it's not like they know how to use a router properly that's a skill

you have to look at the power tools isn't a skill It's just not a skill that you feel is aesthetically pleasing. Man, I don't want to fucking, you know, did you see crown molding in the fucking 1600s? No, go fuck yourself with your fucking... You want to learn how to do it the old ways to fucking have it in the back pocket.

Go ahead, but don't fucking tell me that power tools are ruined the goddamn carpentry. You fuck. Jesus was a fucking... If I gave Jesus the router, he would have fucking just... He would have magically give him a huge cock. he was that's how great this is is now I can do like inlays into this

fucking table amazing here how big's your cock I'm like reasonable now you have a 15 inch dick and I'm like it's not even good I don't know I'm not allowed to fuck so I don't know if it's good don't don't you want a bigger cock

well you know women a lot of times I mean if it's that big it's going to kind of a problem yeah I don't know I don't fuck because I listen to my dad well you should just fucking rebel and he's like I don't know maybe you're right and jesus would you know but i'd be stuck with a 15 inch cock and i'm not sure what i would do with it um yeah people people would fuck me but it's a really an excessively

large cock and i can't blame jesus jesus meant well when he gave me a 15 inch cock my point is is jesus is not one of these hipster idiots who's fucking don't give me a router he would have taken a router enlarged my cock would be great but yeah but in the last three years he fucking decides he's gonna well guess this is the side god tell and probably who the fuck knows but he's gonna start being a minister and walking the earth and fucking hey why don't you be nice to fucking people

why don't you fucking stop you know shitting all over don't stone this whore this whore is here well she's a whore adulterer don't stone her you idiot she's a person and that was his whole gimmick

so he comes in on Palm Sunday which is like the week before he is killed I guess a week before not full week but five days before he's killed and uh because he's getting heat you know he's getting heat uh in town uh in judea in that area

and the pharisees like who is this motherfucker who is this fucking piece of shit who he he flipped the change guy in the temple at one point i'm not sure how close to easter that was but he fucking uh he got mad because they were like changing money in the temple like this is my fucking father's house You're gonna fucking give me this bullshit. You're fucking have chickens in here,

and you're changing money to you sacrifice. This is about God. And he fucking starts throwing over tables. I mean, I feel like you're providing a service, though. I mean, he didn't say why you sacrificing this goat. I mean, that would make more sense to me. Like, what are you doing sacrificing a fucking animal? The God, that's, well, no one says that's ridiculous.

Hey, don't kill this living. no one ever says that it's fucking what are you doing change exchange doing that monetary exchange here you fucking wait what I mean I have I need to buy a chicken

the fucking you know because your dad told me that if I want my wife to get pregnant I got to sacrifice this fucking chicken and they're going to give me shit because all I have is fucking pesos and you need shekels and you're going to flip the table now what

now I can't get pregnant thanks Jesus but you know he's a passionate guy so what I'm going to tell you that's what I call it a passion is a christ he's a passionate guy he didn't think things through you know he's a young guy I mean I don't know but I mean to be fair you know if you're in the 30s

you really should be a little more mature I mean I expect that from a fucking college kid some kid in his 20s who just read Chomsky for the first time we gotta do something about this you know it doesn't work quote Chomsky to me that's what doesn't work all right you want to find some other I'm just saying and like you know

you know it doesn't work Jesus flipping over tables but you know he's a young guy he has a mad the money's exchanging. How about we don't charge people for chickens so they could donate it to get that fucking sterile wife pregnant? How about God just fixes that? You're his son. Why don't you talk to him?

I am not... I have no stomach for people who are afraid of their dad. For fucking people, guys who can't talk to... Oh, my dad. I... I'm not proud. It's for one time I threatened to burn the house down because we got a fight. You know, it's like... And he's like, if you go to jail,

you'll be dead. It was a bad fight. But the point is, I'm not, like, getting pushed around. I mean, I probably should have been less, unafraid of my dad. I probably should have been nicer. But the point is, Jesus or said that to God. Jesus, like, hey, God, I'll burn the fucking heaven down. If you don't stop molesting these chickens or making people molest these chickens or, you know, sacrifice them, whatever. You know, people get hung up at molest, but, you know, we can cut their heads off.

And God would have been like, all right, let me hear you out. At the very least, just like, you know, you have his ear. Why don't you fucking, at least, and who's not going to listen to me? just say it anyway you're fucking don't be a punk so the Pharisees knew who he was they knew who he was and they didn't like him i mean no one ever likes anyone who's coming up i mean you take your job i mean like whoever's gonna be who is the manager if some guy or girl could you know gets their job a new job you have and like it's doing it's doing really great and like your manager's boss likes that person's you know you've seen people who are on a career track

did your manager like that no i mean they might play nice but they don't like that i mean no one wants someone chomping at their heels and that's what jesus was doing with the pharisey shit i mean he fucking i think i mentioned a couple weeks ago but you know he there was that thing where he's talking and they're like hey jesus what's the greatest commandment he's like love each other as i have loved you and that's not even a fucking commandment that's this guy's pissing all over us it's jesus guy he just fucking he's like It's a guy who goes and plays the hits for people. He tells people what they want to hear.

Or didn't want to hear, but, you know, it all sounds great. And I'm saying this. Like, you know, I'm all about it. But, you know, because the fucking... But if you're a Jewish, like, a religious guy, that's got to be thinking. These guys are like, he's just fucking going to say, and you don't go to follow anything. You just love each other. You're probably going to be fucking in the stables now, humping each other.

Well, Jesus told us to love each other. And they're just envisioning a future full of come. And no one's following their Jewish traditions. And they get mad, so they don't like the guy. They see, and he came in, supposedly, came into Jerusalem, and people were waving palms at him. It was why he had palms someday, because they're fanning him with palms, as he, which is just, I mean, he's riding the donkey, I think,

who his disciples, where his apostles, the apostles were following him on the backs of donkeys, getting fanned by palms, and the Jewish Pharisee guys supposedly were just watching him going, this fucking son. bitch they love him and like we can't let us happen i mean is this anti-semitic in the sense that like none of this actually happened and like we're telling this story about the jews maybe yeah maybe because i mean you could go well it really happened but it didn't i mean come on it didn't happen i mean yeah there might have been a guy named jesus that's the thing

this whole idea of historical oh this historical i mean there is historical references to jesus came like 40 years later, or at very least a few years later. I mean, like, plenty of younger and Josephus. When you read their shit, it's just like, you know, was there a horologist? That came earlier. That's just the Greek guy, right? No, but it was definitely plenty of younger and

Josephus and some other guys. And it's just basically like, hey, there was a guy named Jesus, now there's a religion called themselves Christians. But, you know, if you look at less temptation of Christ by my score of script and was like, Martin Scorsese.

The, uh, Paul, basically, you know, what's his name? Henry Dean Stanton, who passed this year, I believe it was this year, but that's the shame, because he was a great actor. But he, that movie's bonkers, but he's fucking, he's the apostle, Paul. And I don't think he's doing an accent. He's just fucking, he just sounds like Henry Dean Stanton going like, look, it don't matter if you were real or not real. If he didn't exist, I would have made you up, which is kind of a point of Paul.

Paul's the guy who comes later. He wasn't even one of the apostles. and just made he that's where a lot of the fucking religious laws came from so my point is whatever I'm not going to keep every five seconds stopping the story because of anti-scent you know maybe he's anti-semitic yeah maybe I mean you know I don't know take it up with the Christians but yes we come to the Pharisees don't like them they want to get rid of them and uh then what would you call Jesus and Judas I mean Jesus is his treasurer I don't know why about like 12 guys walking around near treasurer but that's what I was talking about

told to me that Judas was like their treasurer he was the one that handled the money which I guess he like you know he'd find some farm guy let them stay in his place I don't know how it worked it seemed very elaborate for a bunch of guys walking around

bullshitting you know just hey you want to hear a parable if people know what parables were did Jesus make up parables and it just seems like he was a storyteller like a fucking like one of these guys who like you know would just show up at a bar and get drunk I mean, was he, he drank, right?

I mean, he definitely, yeah, he did drinking wine. He's fucking making wine at the wedding. You know, he's all drunk going like, well, let's turn of water into wine. You know, it's funny as like, I don't think anyone, like the whole story is like, like Mary came up to him and goes, hey, we're out of wine. Because the whole thing is people make it confused.

But like weddings are like a three-day feast back then. So like, they come out to him and like, hey, we're out of wine. How do you run out of wine? How do you, how kind of cheap fucking fucks didn't have enough wine? for people. I mean, you knew you having a wedding. Don't invite so many people. I don't like this shit. Well, we have a small wedding. How about you invite half the people

when you have a real wedding? That's fair. Why am I doing that? I'm not going to have a big wedding. I'm not inviting a ton of people in my wedding when I have it. I mean, I'm not engaged yet, but you know, it's pot. You know, I'm in the closet and I don't lose these in sleep, but you know, I'm not going to propose today, you know, but it is possible.

And I'm not, so I don't know why I'm shitting on this poor couple. I might run out of wine And no one's gonna make We're not gonna have Jesus on hand to make them I'm just gonna fucking put Diet Coke out And be like hey, no we're out of it Deal with it I'm not I didn't want to spend the money in a bit

On the Excelsior package You know I'm in the bit I was in the wedding business I know how they can screw people So I'll probably end up being cheap Again sorry for the digression But you know I'm not I'm gonna ruin my own wedding Probably is the point

And Lucy's gonna love me But be ashamed of me And it's fine We'll get over it but um yeah so jesus is a little drunk and he's like turning he's probably just turning the water like the toilet water into wine too

and just turning all the fucking people are shitting into wine now and then like which is like nothing inherently wrong with that but then what are they talking about there were toilets back then I'm back like there's toilets in the fucking the time of Christ but there probably was a trough

they could shit into but there was wine and then like the animals who eat your shit because there are animals eat your shit like pigs will just eat your shit and like now they're getting drunk on wine they're probably getting sick point is Jesus is coming into Jerusalem

and people love him and the Pharisees are like fuck this guy so he's going around Jerusalem he's getting a lot of action and then I forget what happens in the next few days but on Holy Thursday

they're having their fucking Passover Seder that's what the last supper is a Seder you know I don't know we don't call the last Seder because it's kind of if you think about it

it's like i mean i mean there's still jewish people out there but i mean the last supper like i guess i don't want connected with judaism but there we have a kind of more finale kind of vibe to it like it's the last sater if you don't know what sater is it's the fucking thing that jewish people do on passover which sometimes overlaps or easter sometimes it doesn't i think it is overlapping i'm not sure but the whole passover sater thing is that you know you fucking uh it's when you know moses went to the pharaoh of egypt like let my people go because there were slaves there apparently I don't know there was any historical record

for that but I mean we'll just accept it there's a lot of slaves in the ancient world why not you know I believe the Jews until you're otherwise but yeah and then there's a whole dinner they have and that's what they were doing at this one people like it was a feast it was a Passover sager

you know they were there in Jerusalem for Passover they were Jews this whole thing Jesus never said don't be Jewish I know the Pharisees are getting mad at him and the guy commandment is that but he didn't go like hey by the way you can't eat bacon he never said jews can't eat pork jesus never ate pork i'm sure and he never said hey fucking go make a fucking you know a goddamn roast pork sandwich go make a pork bun why don't you fucking why don't you

get some pork belly will fucking saute it and some butter this is great i'm the fucking son of christ i'm the son of god no that's not a thing he fucking never said that you never said you could you know stop wearing a little hats on your head they do that back then maybe that's from the talmud does you get i don't understand the talmud what the or like the he said of jews as far as i know like the orthodox jews now their shit comes from the talmud which came after christ

like him like around thousand eighty i think or something so they don't think they wore yarmacus back then that's my point but uh they were definitely not eating pork that's from like leviticus or something or exodus or leviticus like this and uh yeah so fucking jesus and this fucking buddy uh you know andrew dice fucking is scarier judas dice clay remember that guy well who called hey jesus fucking uh you turn blood into wine how about you turn this fucking menstrual blood into fucking cum oh because he's fucking some girl and she's like on a period hey look at you you're drinking wine i'm drinking

like what i should have waited for holy for the fucking last supper earlier so let's just goes like hey this is my body you give it up to you and judas jesus judas dice clay comes out and goes hey jesus that's that piece of breads your body look at my cock this is even funny it's just the idea he's just he's drunk so he's just like he's grabbing his cock going like this is my body take take this need I don't know why I love this character because Jesus pulled out some bread and he's like, hey, this is my body, take this, eat it,

fucking do it unto others. He's like, this is my Jesus, this is my body. Take this, give us to others, give us cock to other people. I don't know. I really should flesh out the character. It makes me so happy. But, you know, this is my blood. And he pulls out his wife, Judas is like,

hey, this is my, let's just look at her blood. oh oh look at great doc Jesus This is the worst impression It's not even a dice impression I love it though I feel like people are on board with it I think last time I might have done

A little more effort into it But I forgot I forgot I had a character That went along with the fucking The passion of the Christ story That we know Judas We'll bring him back I mean he technically Jews hangs himself

At the end of this So I'll just bring him back You know himself, but he comes back as fucking Judas Dice Clay. Anyway, to have his Seder, he's fucking, look, he isn't like, that's the thing about this Eucharist. I am so fucking frustrated with this.

And I was growing up, I was frustrated because the whole, he, at the end of the mass, he fucking takes him break with this in my body, eat this, fucking share it, do it want to others I've done to you, whore shit. And then this is the case of the cop, this is my wine. Like, all right, and like, oh, and people fucking think he's literally, when you have, have the eucharice now you're literally getting the fucking body of Christ. They go body of Christ amen which means I believe

amen and it's like and I've said to my mouth look I may have addressed it on this podcast before but like the fucking thing is like you're you if Jesus wanted to make his fucking flesh this cracker into a flesh he could do it

if he's got sure but he didn't do it and you eat a cracker still and here's the proof like they're fucking eating bread he didn't he didn't like take a knife and like start cutting into his arm and go this is my body eat this like that would have been bonkers that would have been a fuck i would have believed because he's like jesus pull like in the bible you read the bible pulls out of fucking the biggest fucking knife you've ever seen and starts cutting into his own thigh it's that dark meat

i love i love people like his breast meat i love fucking thigh meat is my favorite chicken but and Jesus was just cutting to his own thigh and just like oh yeah take this take the pain take the pain and he's fucking cutting the chunks out of his leg and uh

passing it around and like jeez we should get you a fucking hospitals back then but like we should do something about this gaping you know there's all wounds in your thigh did you cut into your femur and your fucking femoral artery and you're like don't worry about it don't worry about just eat this I was like eat you It's just like this weird fat flesh

I don't know That would have been insane It's just all hairy They're chewing through his skin They're crying They're fucking crying Like what is happening Why are we doing this

And he's just like Just eat my fucking flesh Don't be fuck And he's like He's just fucking Bleeding into a cup And they go drink this Fucking drink this

And he's like What are you doing? Jesus No Like drink my He's grabbing them by the back of the head put them into the channel just drank the fucking blood that's the blood of Christ I know it's your blood you just blood it into your femoral artery that would have been

impressive that would have been like oh my God we're drinking the body in blood of Christ because you know they're throwing out like you know if you're reading the Bible like the disciples or the apostles are just vomiting they're vomiting into Jesus's open moon he's grabbing Peter who's like the facto head of the I don't think he was officially the head, but he was a de facto head, and he's grabbing Peter's fucking back of his head, and he's just fucking shoving his head into his

fucking leg wound going, eat this! Eat my fucking body! And fucking Peters just vomiting into his open wound. Stereling all over the microphone. Just thinking about it. It's fucking intense. It's an intense form

of the passion of the crime. I mean, that would have been, maybe that's the real thing. Maybe we got to get that real, a real good shit, a real, what they call the apocryphal books of the Bible, because that might have been, you know, Jesus just cuts half his body off and they start, maybe they kill Jesus and they ate them. Maybe that's the thing.

Maybe they took them off. We're getting speculative now, but maybe the story of the gospel is really that he fucking said, hey, you know, take me and eat me. And they're like, what? And like, you'll see. And then they crucify him and they put, them in a tomb, holy shit,

this is real. And I'm, I really think this is it, because they fucking, they take them off the cross and they fucking, they put them in this tomb, this rock tomb, whatever, and they just fucking start eating them. You know, he said to eat them, let's eat them, and they fucking eat them. And that's what the, it was three days later.

They probably should have done it when he was fresh, but they fucking did it three days later. And that's what the resurrection was, like, was the Eucharist, which is spreading him around. Oh my God, that's really, I think I'm, maybe someone else's suspect, look, There's been so much speculation about the books of the Bible since the ancient times that maybe someone else came up with this dairy.

But I think that they just fucking ate his body. I go, oh, God, did they cook them? They just put the whole thing on a bonfire and roast them. Maybe skin them. Who knows? I mean, you can skin a whole calf or deer, I think, as a whole thing. I mean, I used to, when I was looking at the morgue, you knew it would come back to this. I was working at the morgue.

sometimes they would do what they call a reflective view of the face where they basically just like or even the back too where they basically cut all the skin away so you can look at the muscle usually so you can kind of and they even cut layers of muscle off

and kind of flay you like layer by layer a lot of times as kids you know if a kid dies they want to see if he was abused a lot of times you want they were abused you can tell like you can see the layers of how old the bruises were it's terrible

but uh yeah but it's that weird view of like it's like a man with no skin kind of vibe going on and it's crazy it's one of the creepier things you could see because the eyes are still there so it just looks like an insanity it's it's i don't know if i was ever creeped out like 100% but it has you you recognize when something's creepy i mean i'm not trying to be just like stalwart rock um but you know i think i'm just kind of uh even keeled i know who knows but i saw a lot of weird shit you got eased into it. You know, I've held

you know, suicidal victims heads and it feels like broken glass and it's like, well, you get over. You know, I'm sorry I'm not crying every time I tell you a morgue story. I'm still a person, all right? I still have emotions. I'm sorry, I'm going to freak out every time I tell you about some dead kid that I saw. I mean, there's a lot

of shit. There's a lot of shit and I can't express emotion for every fucking thing. We'll be able to do my job. So I'm just a man. I don't know. I take me as I am. we went though but uh so the apostles will probably just fucking eating this guy but according to the bible they just you know spread it around and then he's like hey one you guys is gonna betray me like we're gonna betray you we talk and before you're gonna fucking betray me and uh i and like i don't know why you just call out judas but uh i think

you might it make it seem like when i watch the cartoons as a kid because i you know you might have been watching you know picking the brain and fucking you know and Ghostbusters I watch that too but I'm watching Christian religious like cartoons like super book

and other ones too I think where it was just you know there's real indoctrination ship and they may seem like he knew

but they probably just did that to be thick to be like for these kids so they get it because Jesus always had like the fucking yeah

voice he's like I'm Judas meh I'm the treasure I mean it couldn't be more I was really the voice it was like just

fucking, I mean, basically, but Judas has made a deal, I guess, to fucking, for 30 pieces of silver, which is like, is it explaining the Bible for real? I don't think it is. Like, he's just a guy, because it makes more sense. I mean, again, respect to the Scorsese thing with less temptation, that he does it with Jesus knowing about it. Like, they plan to do it. He wants to get this gimmick going, his gimmick of getting crucified, and then coming back. So someone's got to betray him. You know, they have to have to have a plan. plausible reason why he's just going they know where he is

so because it's like I don't know how much 30 pieces of silver was back then we should really look into that I mean I have a interest in economics and in currency shit I should I should have really looked this up before

what is the you know conversion rate let's see can we Google this I'm going to see if I can Google this on the fly uh how much someone's probably done this before what would

30 pieces yeah okay I say I love Google what would 30 pieces of silver we were today how much so someone's definitely done the work I mean it could be sketchy

this is from aletia aletia.com so this has got to be some kind of horseship um reward you I don't need the art see here's the thing we're gonna do a side note

I know we're doing kind of we seem to be doing an Easter theme this week but I want to think a minute to talk about Google and the websites that occupy Google you know

you're doing an article how much my Jews's dirty pieces of silver we were today I just want the answer okay I don't need like fucking hundreds of words

like I scroll through okay I've missed everything you said and I'm kind of at the end so fuck you based on these interpretations Judas could have been paid anywhere between $90 and $3,000 in today's sums.

Well, that's useful. That's what? There's several interpretations. One theory is that the interpretation, the piece of silver is paid Judas were equivalent to a Roman denary. A Roman soldier, for example, was paid about 225 denary per year. In comparison, the amount of the U.S. a soldier earns about 25 grand a year. That's all they make is 25 grand a year.

We're paying guys $25 grand a year to shoot six-year-olds. the Navy Steelers probably make more I guess but I hope they make more I mean that's a rough but yeah I mean the other day you're drinking $20,000 a year

you could be shooting 6 year olds and like you know not on purpose like the Navy SEAL did but you know in other cases I can't slander the guy maybe it wasn't on purpose I'm gonna say maybe on purpose maybe not

I don't know if he purposely shot a child but yeah that guy isn't that cyber guy brag about shooting children that Bradley Cooper guy the fucking Kyle Chris Kyle

Or the brag about shooting women Or it was like Yeah you never know You never know If a kid's gonna shoot you You shoot it So I wish I could have a dinner with that guy It's fucking

But yeah So that guy read the article Terrible So Best case is getting three grand Which I don't even know what you're buying back then For three grand

I guess it's donkey So Jews really fuck Jesus over Um yeah so they get betrayed and then oh he also goes you're going to deny me three times when did that happen it gets murky because Jesus goes to the garden of Getsemini

see you guys don't you guys don't think that I'm just this fucking fat guy who eats pizza and talks about dead kids but I also had a religious upbringing you know I was trained religiously uh somewhat i went to catholic school for years you know and we me and my brother used to fucking uh we used to play mass we used to get her stuffed animals together and uh i don't even he remembered i remember this and we used to fucking like set up the snoopies and all the shit and then like we have like sheets on we pretend to be priests uh and we'd fucking be feeding them crackers like here's the

euchreast like and eat this and i remember going like yeah he's like snoopy eat this and they're so good thank you but i don't know why we did that because we didn't like the priest i just before i ever had my first communion because you're not really supposed to when the priest gives you the eucharist you're not supposed to go this is so good thank you that'd be great i would i should just go and and get i mean it's been burned into me now it's so disrespectful to do this but you mean what the other day was a difference but if i was to go to the church and just take the the eucharist cracker and eat it and go this is so good thank you oh my god i mean How would they react?

I'm not saying that they would lose their shit. They got bigger out of shit in their plate these days. But would they, like, say anything? Or they just kind of, you know, ignore you? The way they ignored sexual abuse for decades. Oh. Oh, shit. I just dropped some fucking bombs.

Would they ignore me? I mean, I don't know. I mean, I don't know why we were just spent the whole time feeding these animals, crackers. I don't know why we didn't, you know, we should have been filling out paperwork, like, you know, transferring some of these, uh, transferring each other to the fucking, You know, I've transferred my brother to the fucking Cayman Islands for a few months because he was caught with a fucking four. I mean, I don't want to slender my brother, but, you know, that's the thing.

We didn't really get the scope of what a priest does when we were kids. You never do. He never really has a kid get the whole picture. But, uh, yeah, priest's fuck kid. That's the moral of this story, but whatever. So, yeah, so he's in the guard to get Semini, Jesus, and he's fucking crying. He knows he's going to have to get crucified, I guess. the story and he knows he's sweating blood they say again i mean this is a guy who speaks in parables

and the whole bible's written with poetic license but like this is another occasion where it's like they actually they're like literal like all of a sudden got literal and he's actually sweating blood and it's like i guess he's probably i mean okay he's just so stressed out he knows he's going to die i mean it's not the only time in history of someone knew they're going to die i mean he makes the choice sure but it's like you know There's people who make heroic choices They don't necessarily sweat blood But we'll grant it to you

I get crucified hurts I don't get me wrong I know and he probably knew it was a crucifixion So fucking Whatever the Romans come Because he Jesus Jesus sold him out And I think at this point

He goes hey you're going to betray me three times Oh because he found him sleeping He found the fucking The apostle's sleeping They ate a fucking big meal And now he comes out I'm going to the garden and he just watch for me,

watch, you know, just stand guard for me, and they keep falling asleep. It's such a weird book, this Bible. Because, like, they come out and sleep. What are they going to do anyway? Because here's the thing.

When the fucking Romans come, Peter pulls out a sword. I don't know if this isn't a Bible, but then one of the cartoons that he cuts off one of the Roman guy's ears. I didn't know Peter carries a sword, but okay. And then Jesus is like,

don't do it. Don't do that. Don't do it. he like heals the fucking Roman guy's ear and he goes like you know you live by the sword you die by the sword which is that really

from that after research these these Christian cartoons by giving me some weird programming but uh definitely remember from there and like my point is like why did it matter if they stayed up

why that matter if they stayed awake you know I don't understand because like oh you got to stand guard for me but then the moment Peter does something to help you you fucking Hey, what are you? Hey, scumbach. Don't fucking pull out a sword, you piece of shit. And it's like, I mean, it must have been rough.

This guy sounds like one of these, you know, just prima donnas, terrible boss. Just fucking, you know, nothing you can do is right. You know, it's just, the point is to breathe. That's the point of the whole thing. So whatever, say, take him into custody. And he goes, you're going to betray me three times to Peter. Like, no, I'm not. Why don't they do that?

I just fucking pull a sword out for you. You fucking ungrateful fucking scumbugman. You're going to tell me I'm going to betray you? What the fuck? What I'm even doing this for? But whatever, he... You know, how are you going to do it? You're going to betray him three times.

So before the cock crows, he says, which I guess means mourning. You fuck you, Jesus. You know, they've probably had a relationship. Like, they're good friends, probably. So I wouldn't be surprised if he was like, fuck you, Christ. But he didn't mean it.

But he was just kind of like, you know, if I said to my best friend, then he wants you, you're going to fucking fuck my girlfriend. Like, what? Yeah, you're going to fuck my girlfriend? You go fuck my girlfriend? You go fuck my wife? You go fuck my wife?

That wouldn't go over. You know, that wouldn't be cool. But, you know, apparently Jesus' talent, Peter, you can betray me. That's why he did betray you. Because he's going to fucking betray. Oh, you want me to betray? Maybe I will betray you.

You know? I don't know. Jesus, it sounds like a fucking ordeal being Jesus' friend. But, so they pulled Jesus and the Pharisees, who were basically the Jewish, I guess, you know, bureaucrats. whatever the guy's in charge um they start interrogating jesus and then they're asking them like

you know did you say you were this and that and he's being on coy and shit and he's being like i am who i am some pop-bye shit you know like my father is this and that i can't quote it all but it's just he's just it's unbearable i mean why i just say hey i'm not trying to take over the jewish religion relax i'm doing my own thing but you know he loved he wanted to get killed so whatever and then they turn them over the romans and the romans like what the fuck do you want me to do with this guy you know punches pilots just like what i don't want to kill i'm not getting involved in your weird jewish shit and you're weird jewish in fighting just killing yourself do what you want no we're not allowed to it's the passover it's like you

motherfuckers i got fucking because they're romans some people act like that pilot gets a too you know uh soft of a of a landing in the bible like to make them look too good. I don't think he looks indifference. He looks like he literally, he literally watches his hands at one point. I'm washing my hands of this. I mean, again, that might be one of the cartoons I watch where they literally bring over like water and he's washing his hands.

What? I should have they really shouldn't be allowed to make these cartoons. You shouldn't be allowed to give cartoons to children and explain like weird religious texts because you know, it's just in my head. I mean, I'm in my 30s. I'm a 35 real man in my head.

I shouldn't get my age out Now Agents and managers And people who give people jobs That was a joke I'm 24 and I'm fucking ready to fuck I'm a 24 year old man Ready of the fuck

Get me a let me host a Nickelodeon show or something Let me host fucking The reboot of all that We're fucking are you afraid of the dark I'm a fucking spry young Fucking Just a spry young fuck with a big A big strong back

And big dick margit myself whatever it's fine but um no so judas and jesus we were we were talking about the fucking oh yeah so the pilot pilots all like oh what the fuck uh

what do you wash my hands but then he didn't want to kill him he's like hey you so what you son of god he's like i am what i am he's like what i am he's like what do you just are you just saying this shit or not and he's like well if you got to do what you got to do I mean, people are trying to help people, like, look, and not because he's a great guy, but

he doesn't want to kill the guy, so he's trying to fucking, give me any, just give me a reason not to kill you, he's like, nope, you know, do what you're going to do. And then, all right, fine, I wash my hands, we'll do this. He's like, oh, my father's going to something, and he's like, I don't care about who your dad is.

I'm a fucking Roman governor. You think I'm afraid of your dad? Like, we literally run the world. I'm a fucking governor. I mean, I run, I think he ran all of Palestine or they call Palestine the whole area that included probably Jordan and Judea. I mean

who knows how big it was? It might have been a whole big area. It included like fucking modern day Israel and you know Jordan Syria even maybe. I mean who knows? The whole Middle East perhaps.

Pilot might have been a big dude. Big guy. And then also you know but before that just digress, Peter did betray him because some fucking, like, people were like, oh, won't you with that guy, Jesus? And all of a sudden, this guy who pulls a sword out, see, that's the fucking, oh, my God, this is so fucking lame. Because they fucking, they're basically saying, like,

oh, no, I wasn't with that guy. And, like, you weren't, like, you weren't fucking there? Like, no. And, like, you know, I saw you riding on the fucking palms someday. They were like, that son of a bitch. You were in the back of a donkey. People were giving you palms. You were all just kissing each other and fucking,

pat each other in a bag this is fucking fantastic we're just one of the sons of god that wasn't me i don't tell you i don't know who this jesus guy is they did it three times and here's a cock crowing but didn't peter just pull out a fucking sword and like try to like fucking throw down and that was afraid of some guy going like weren't you didn't you know jesus it just doesn't add up it just seems weird like hey you can betray me three times i just pulled a fucking sword out why do you even like put this in my head i mean this whole book of the bible it's a little weird and then they fucking uh some of the pilots like whatever then they literally they they do some like you know es and them beatings for like an hour

and a half they flail them they whip them they fucking beat you know they probably punch them they give them a fucking bunch of cracks then they march them to golgata uh see again i don't have to think about it's just fucking golgata it's the mountain and then they which i mean There's a debate. Was he really, like, nailed to a cross as opposed to, like, suppose that's where the name nine-inch nails comes from, because they use nine-inch nails. I mean, man, that's something I heard from a kid in school,

but that they fucking plowed nine-inch nails and the Jesus' wrists and feet. But usually, I think they just, they roped you for the crucifixion. Also, they also didn't have a top part. It was like, it was kind of like, it would be the part that, like, cross, you know, the crosses, you know, that intersects is like the top. so it wouldn't be like a part sticking up on the top like a nub but whatever i mean i'm not going

to get into the nitty gritty and let's start parsing out like was jesus properly crucible who gives a shit um you know that crucifix actually works though like people probably don't know they probably think you bleed out or something it's a form of suffocation so that you know that's the thing it's like guess why do you have this little platform you put your feet up on right you like you kind prop yourself up and so because the whole nature if you if you kind of just hang if you just hung there and didn't prop yourself up you would suffocate so you have to kind of keep doing that but eventually you're your feet going to like give out so that's why it's a brutal way to die because like you kind of have to give up or your body has to give out finally and so you're up there

for days sometimes you know if you have if you're a runner if you were some kind of pole vaulter If you want to hear me talk, you know, me and Lucy talk this week about Italian pole vaulting girls on YouTube, uh, with their, with their fantastic asses, uh, these beautiful Italian women. That's a little tease. So, you know, cross-promotion, um, you'll listen to our love is disgusting. Our love is disgusting. My other podcasts are Luzzi Steiner, my, uh, my beloved, um, you go listen to that. Check that out. Uh, but yeah, if you're one of the Italian polevolton girls, you might have lasted a lot longer because you have these strong legs, but you know and your in your ass

it's strong but you know me I don't know I have decently strong I gotta keep this body up you know it's fucking big fat body so you know whatever but some people have weak legs and I mean reality is I would keep his body up but that's what they would be doing so I'd probably be dead

the whole thing probably just collapse you know the cross but it's not about me it's about Jesus and his whole ordeal so you know the whole thing this is again remember whole thing of this is a passover thing that's why they couldn't kill themselves that's why

they're in the town in the first place so they fucking uh hey you know you got to kill this guy uh first of all this whole story of like i don't want to get into it but like just two other guys there's a big a guy who's a criminal and the guy who's fucking uh um oh that's what it was yeah so there's two other guys who are the criminals being hung oh i before we get into this there's a thing about barabbas at one point rewind back to pilot and he was like oh you know

I don't want to kill this guy maybe we'll give people a choice and there's the guy barabbas and uh and you know these guys and they make him seem like some criminal he just has some criminal

and he goes to the crowd hey you want Jesus dead or barabbas dead and like we want Jesus dead give us parabas give us parabas you got remember he was a criminal but the reality is he's a fucking zealot and the zealots were like

Jesus is trying to, like, get people, be like, hey, you know, love each other. But he also said, like, you know, give Caesar where the Caesar. It's basically the way of saying, hey, I'm not fucking, like, it's the kind of thing where he's, like, acting like a big tough guy, and like, hey, you're going to have the kingdom of heaven. But as soon as a cop comes up with, hey, yeah, I'm not. I love you guys.

You guys are great. I give the police benevolent fund every year. You guys do, you guys are heroes. That's what Jesus was doing. So, Barabbas, on the other hand, was a zealot, who were just literally Jews fighting. just, like, rebellion against the Roman insurgency, you would want to call it. And a few years after the events in the gospel, they actually did have the siege of Masada,

I think it was called, where they kind of, I forget exactly what led up to it, but they were, like, they were, like, kind of set up on this mountain, and the Romans were attacking, and I think it was kind of a, I don't know if it was quite a 300 scenario, but they did pretty good, these Jews and Massada, as far as killing Romans, they took a bunch with them. But they went down. So that's what we're dealing with. We're dealing with some guy who's like a fucking hero kind of these people.

Yeah, I'll call him a hero. I mean, some people call him a terrorist. I don't know. I mean, I think he's fighting for his freedom. Good for him. And so that it's not like the people just hate, like, because the Bible makes it seem like for no reason. This guy who they were just worshipping all of a sudden they hate him. And like, it just doesn't explain it.

Like, it's like, oh, there's just some criminal. He's a freedom fighter, or what I want to call him, at least in their eyes. And also, there's other speculation that they're named Brabis and Jesus, the Brabis is actually the name Jesus in the old Hebrew. I don't know if that's true or not, but there's a little layer of shit. So fast forward again back to the, you know, crucifixion. And so he's laying there with these two guys, and one guy is like, hey, why, Jesus, why don't you fucking, if you're a son of God,

because they put even they even put like a king of the Jews over his cross as like a mocking thing I remember I was a kid where to draw the cruiser fiction in like teams like we paired off

and this girl I'm like it's on my team it's really two shoes girls fucking she's a decent artist but she draws like a like a wavy banner I'm like what are you doing that's not what it was that's like fifth grade or something

like what is this king of the Jews is a fucking I'm like you it was up they were mocking him It wasn't like an actual It wasn't his title You moron It was a fucking

They're mocking this guy They're fucking They're saying Hey look at this king And he's just a kid I just did I mean maybe she I don't think

It's that complicated To get Maybe she was just soft I don't know But she's fucking It's like yeah He's king of the Jews Why don't you fucking get off the cross

King of the Jews Like that kind of thing They're mocking the guy And And uh So the fucking guy next thing It was like Hey

King of the Jew Wanted something like God Why don't you get over This cross help us out and the other guy's like no i deserve to die blah blah blah and jesus like you'll have a place in heaven in terms of the guy who was asking him you know and you're fucked basically i don't know what he says to him i mean he goes to him goes you have a place in heaven so the implication is like and you're going to hell you piece of shit you fucking scumbag but like the bible doesn't really

clarify what these guys are doing if it does again i maybe you know i didn't go into my new shit enough i should read the old greek the greek translation but it's what As I know, the Bible doesn't fucking tell you anything. The Bible doesn't say what, like, maybe the guy who's like, I deserve this was a pedophile. And the guy who fucking did, had the equivalent of parking tickets. He fucking, he fucking didn't stand up for the Roman general when he came through to the fucking restaurant. He should just elude them properly. He didn't.

So now he's getting killed. And meanwhile, this pedophiles, he's like, hey, can you help me out here? And, like, the pedophile is like, no, we deserve this. Like, speak for yourself, pedophile. And then Jesus goes to the pedophile. I was, you're going to have a place in heaven next to my fucking father. This is so great that you fucking, it's just a lot of, you know, get the details first. Jesus just seems to be kind of a sick, you know, what's, what's, sick of fans, the guy who, like, who, what's the guy who's the guy who's the guy who's the guy who's the guy who needs a sick of fans?

He's that guy. So, whatever, they could take days and they fucking, they don't have time for that because, you know, the Jewish guys are like, hey, we can't have him hanging here. The Passover is coming. And so the Romans are like fine, and they just stick them with a knife or a spear. I should have a lance. They spear them for the lance.

Because that's what the Longest Lans is. If you've never heard of the Lungest Lans. It's like an artifact. It's not as big as the Holy Grail in lore. But the Longest, I think Longest was the name of the centurion, supposedly, and his lance. I think in Neon Genesis Evangelian,

which is like a show if you've ever heard of that it's basically an anime they seem to have based Pacific Rim on I never saw Pacific Rim but at least stylistically it looks very similar

and these mech and they're all about killing God and one of these mecks has the launchers lands he's a fucking monster with it it's great I loved as a kid

but it's not an religious show it's a show about killing God and I think I wrote it because his parents died and he was sad whatever point is that they let them plead

out they take them off the cross they put them in the tomb and then like three days later i guess mary and her friend or some some people i don't fucking some women some women went to the tomb to like put perfume on his rotten body oh you know what it is because i think they had to wait because they put him in this tomb but it's a temporary thing i was just thinking as a kid you're like why is he like in this fucking like basically put him in this weird like hole like cave and then put a like a rock over it like a big boulder But the whole, the rationale for that was that they didn't have time to, like, you know, because it's the Passover, they couldn't really, I mean, you know a story, you know how these Jewish people, like, they're like orthodox Jews or whatever who are like, you know, you're not allowed to, like, I mean, in today's age, you can't turn a light switch on. You can't fucking do anything.

And, like, that's how it was with these people, I guess. Like, so they didn't have time to, like, do a proper burial thing. So they put them in this cave, and that's where they kept them for a few days, is women. came over, and then, uh, you know, I think the rock was gone. He came back to the disciples, the apostles, and they told the apostles, and they were like, what the fuck are you talking about? You dumb broads, you stupid horrid, you slits, because they were just, you know, they didn't, let's be honest, they probably weren't, you know, like, you're telling me my fucking

friends alive, I watched them die. Fuck you. And, uh, but they go there anyway, and they seize a lot. at least most of them do and it's great and they're all happy except Thomas Thomas is the only one who's I don't know what he's doing he's out drinking because he's sad about Jesus who knows

and he comes in and he goes and he goes Jesus is alive and he's like no what fuck me watch them die what are you doing why are you making me feel bad I'm already drunk because you know he's alive he roast him in the dead what is this fucking zombie

no he didn't rise in the dead and he didn't believe it and then Jesus came back Oh shit And now he's a doubt in Thomas That's the whole expression now Because this one guy's a little skeptical You know

Because one guy didn't believe That 9-11 just And the Operation Vigilant Guardian Just happened to have in the day of 9-11 They just happened to test fucking You know planes being flown to buildings On the same day in the 9-11 attacks Oh, it's just a coincidence

That fucking You know That Neil Bush was supposed to have You know Dinner with the Hinkley family the night that Hinkley shot Reagan. Oh, that's a coincidence, huh? Oh, it's a coincidence that fucking that the CIA asses at George de Morgan's role was Oswald's friend.

And all the other shit with Kennedy. Fucking, Thomas seems like the only one who had a fucking decent head in their shoulders. You know, he didn't believe that something that never happened in the history of the world happened. Oh, wow. I guess Jesus did, like, you know, raised Lazarus from the dead. I'm not sure if that was common knowledge. But, I mean, who's going to raise Jesus in the dead? There's no, Jesus is the one doing it.

So I don't know. So we're shit on Thomas. I don't know what happened to him. Judas hung, you know, supposedly hung himself at some point, I guess after the, I guess while the Pharisees were, I was the thing about Jews too. It's like, you know, I need his 30 pieces of silver, and he hangs himself right away. And it's like, why are you even buying? Why do you, this is just, it doesn't make any sense. It's not a great story.

I mean, if this was like a Hulu show, because I, you know, me and Lucy just watched him, May's tale. She loves it. And she, you know, she, through her credit, she saw some, on her second viewing. She was like, ah, it's not as good to remember a little bit, but she still likes it. And I didn't hate it, but there's like some serious shit in the last few episodes of season two.

It's like, this is just bad writing, in my opinion. And that's how I would say about the Bible. It's just like, unmotivated actions and shit. But yeah, I did play, you know, I did pretend to be a priest as a kid. That's something you can take from this. and that's the story of Jesus

story of the Bible it's the passion I mean Mel Gibson's version I mean people should have Mel Gibson's version but I mean they do seem to fetishize the you know Jesus getting beat and I don't know

I'm not sure what it means I mean because supposedly this whole resurrection thing I was told as a kid that the resurrection never happened and it wouldn't have nothing that's mattered because he had to like save people from uh he'd save the souls of everyone who like after adam and he fucked each other

uh or something that everyone had to go to limbo instead of heaven and now people go to heaven yeah if you believe it i don't tell you if i can go for it i mean the whole thing of the euchrist though it's like you know not everyone thinks is this is where euchrex comes from i guess but it's more like maybe it means like love each other and like help each other out and like do it some do what the others i've done to you the guy speaks a thousand parables now he gets a literal I don't know I mean I think I talk about the Eucharist a bunch of times not just not just

once before it's a pet peeve of mine but this is the origin story so I think this is fun this is a fun this is a fun thing is this is your Easter guide so you guys know what Easter comes from now and I'm going to give another shout out

a refrain if you will to my patrons Diane Cage Michael Ricardo Richard Hofsteader, Jason Duberville, Gary Barberra, Ryan LaRocque, Keith Veronese, Eric Frankel, and Julian Assange. Thanks, Julian. That was a great help he did. And follow me at Ray Kump, Instagram and Twitter.

Go listen to Our Love is disgusting. If you haven't listened to it yet, if you like this podcast, you'll love that one. It's got Lucy Steiner. She's phenomenal. It's us. We're just passionate people. We're lovers. honestly you can't listen this and not listen to that it doesn't make any sense i mean there's people

basically the numbers are still doing that i don't get it i mean i like this podcast i'm glad you listening but you know get on it's as good if not better so like you know get on board both they play off each other you know get into this shit it's fun uh you're gonna love lucy just a doll so uh i'll see you next week enjoy happy easter or passo You know,