Kump - 150 - Pride Wars

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

Ray and Lucie discuss Pride, Swan Crimes, weird coffins, and much more. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Follow Kump on Twitch https://www.twitch.tv/raykump Kump Hand Merch https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Follow Ray on Sound Cloud https://on.soundcloud.com/QbP8

Today on Kump, we have apple goggles, swan violence, and weird coffins. Stay tuned. Hello and welcome to comp. Hello, and welcome to Kump. Hello. well lucy happy pride why you're saying because it's the shirt is that why you're saying that well it is your your sweatshirt does kind of look like a what i imagine like a straight pride flag would look like i got this shirt at dxel which so i don't think you know that's the furthest

thing from pride uh that i mean i don't care uh but i you think people are gonna think i'm like this is my pride garb yeah yeah like women have the right way that's not i think we were ready to choose but that's not a pride thing uh what is it gay gay people yeah gay people yay i mean it's an exciting time is you know this is just so much so much uh events going on what have you done for this pride situation um i mean i i haven't really done i'm ashamed to say i haven't contributed to pride at all this month you big it why don't you go out there and have a parade. Why don't you throw one on a block?

Why don't you wave around a flag, whip someone? I sort of float, the guys are whipping each other. Seems like fun. Yeah, there was a whole debate going on over the last, I don't know, a year or so. It may have been going on longer

about whether or not kink should be at pride. Yeah, I don't know. What is pride supposed to be? Because probably not. I mean, I'm going to go out of the limb here and say, why? Yeah. Like, no one wants to know, like, if you're into furries. Right.

No one wants to. It just feels like a weird way for straight people to sneak in there. Like, oh, because we're into, because we're into pretending to be cats when we have sex. Oh, so you think it's straight people doing the king stuff. I think it's a little bit, I think it's a little bit both, but I think it is like there's a contingent, an alarming contingent, like straight people who are just into weird stuff. who want to be what's weird you know having to build one of those weird dribble tubes and they go inside you but outside i mean everyone talks about like you know like you know going in the in the in the ass but why not have like the whole you mean imagine imagine if you have like ports

like you know those gauges where people have like rings you know earrings and they but they stretch your ear out yeah why not if i was into this i would dig hole i would drill holes into my chest and my arms and then it would be like and they would clear out the bone and make a permanent hole there that I could hook up to a modular gerbil tool and so people go I'm into a gerbo play and you go oh up the bomb and I go no through my arms through my chest a piece of my skull was like a hellraiser contraption yeah but you know it's cute because they're gerbils and gerbils are cute I mean there's nothing there's nothing cuter than a gerbill I would love for you to show up at pride just tubes running through your body just blood everywhere like i'm here i'm proud too you don't

think it would heal properly i don't think so or you just you just think i would like rush it because like oh pride's happening i got to get my gerbil idea going and i just wouldn't i would just rush it and like not not take the proper precautions i just kind of i stay up all night like working on my gerbil tubes it's like i'm just i got like i got like you know duct tape instead of bandades yeah yeah Oh, yeah, yeah, you're just trying to band-aid up every wound. That's, you really kind of sum me up because, like, it's not that I have the weirdest idea ever, which it's, it's pretty odd. But it's just, I would execute it so clumsily.

I would just, I would just have like cuts and scrapes, like, bleed. Look, the journal thing's interesting. We know, we don't want to, everyone here, you know, we're not into judging. And then we were, we're afraid of looking like, you know, being called bigots. So we need to prove it. But you're bleeding all over everyone. Kids and adults. uh we know you're not doing it on purpose because you're just also also this isn't pride this is the aides walk

but it's in june um i don't know i mean look do you do you think i would be like with lives of ticot put me on their banners like look at this look at this fat durable man with the holes in his like modular holes in his arms and head this is what they're teaching your kids in school this is this is indoctrination take your kids out of public school now home school i'm now he's putting a hole through his femur i mean with a doctor i mean that would be interesting they have these doctors you know because people go you know they argue with these you know trans activists or whatever were trans people you know well if i if i have a fan you know some these people some people want to have their limbs cut off and this is the arguing people make

well if i was one of those i don't know i forget what the the the kink is called it's pretty rare but like if you know if i was one of those people the doctor say he was okay well you know but that's like this is a better version of that argument this is going to be real so i'm going to do it and we're going to see we're going to see if i if i can get because if i can't get a doctor approved doctor's approval to put various holes well i mean is there a better term than hole uh in in incusions because there's that what incursions me like the things from the what are they called you took the things of the multiverse where like no i'm thinking of contusions which is also a different thing why don't you just call it danos i don't know uh the

spider man like that's something you saw in a marvel movie incursions no i'll just call them gerbil ports okay yeah that's good mr come you refer to the things you refer to as gerbil ports It just holes you drill through your bones and skin. That's why I want a doctor to do it. Because they're better at it. Is the whole point of the gerbil ports just for a gerbil to run through them? Or is there something else? Is there some other added, like, sensation?

Well, look, I mean, the stereotypical thing with gerbils is they go into the, I guess, into the rectum, and then they nibble on things, maybe, the prostate. I don't know. Yeah, I know. This is more of a loop throughout your torso. Right. I'm not, look, I might feel the gerbil, like,

a certain amount of vibration coming from the durable and that might give me a sense of you know just kind of uh you know not human contact but you know contact um so that's nice the companionship of it all so this isn't really this isn't just for sexual pleasure this is this is a way of life well nor is you know gayness just a sexual pleasure it's it's your romance and it's just whatever it's your whole you know that that's very uh you're very very derivative or not derivative what's the word i'm looking for reductive yes you're being reductive now everything that makes you uh make you uh make a baby you know sometimes you just want a gerbil running through your body but not nibbling on your prostate i'm a hack you know i just want i just want it's yeah it's like hellraiser but uh

i could also i'll have a youtube channel where these things are going through me but i'm teaching math and not just the kids you know i could use a channel and teach me i forget a lot of math i don't have to use it my daily life but i like no calculus i would love to learn from a man with gerbil's running through them yeah there's a built-in kids love i don't care about don't get me this is the problem you're gonna get me in trouble with like oh you're trying to teach us to the kids no math is for everyone well kids love a class pet oh my god i don't i'm not a teacher i was this going to work you're you keep trying to make it where i'm like i want nothing to do with kids i just like gerbil's running through me can you stop so when where's the teaching math come from i mean look you you you learn like you

know different skills online don't you you learn to you aren't you learn to like to do different like you know stock stuff and and finance and and makeup yeah sure does that make you a kid no no okay all right so you're just going to do like tutorials yeah like how do you how to figure out how much mayonnaise is left in the jar using math yeah kids don't even care about mayonnaise they do they I mean, gross kids might. You've been a kid who like mayonnaise too much? Disgusting. Sloppy kids.

No, I don't want to think it. This is, look, it's cute. So kids will probably like, I mean, well, you know, you look at LeBron James, the kid wants to be him. You know, but if I ask you, it doesn't do with kids. That's true.

You know, that's a good point. Kids are going to look up to me because I have gerbils running through me, not in a sexual way or anything. But, you know, just, wow, this is a guy who has gerbils, what were the kids like more than that? Yeah.

But that's not why I'm doing it, and I want nothing to do with that. I do like the idea, though, of you teaching a class and the kids being, like, you know, being, like, intrigued by your hamster. And you being like, no, like, don't look at my hamster. This is my hamster. Right. It's my private life. This is not a hamster for you, for you kids.

I'm sorry that DXL doesn't make shirts that conform to a hamster tube running through my body. So I can't cover it up properly. But that means for you. Don't fetishize my hamster tubes. Focus on fractions. The top one's the numerator, the bottom one's the divider. So the divinator, how does that work? Something like that.

The dividend? Wait, no. That can't be it. That's what old ladies get from the Swanson Corporation, who invested in the TV dinner company. They live off their derivatives, right? No, dividends. Yeah.

I should not be a teacher. I don't know what I'm teaching. I think this could happen. I think this could be, I mean, we have a video. There is a lot of controversy. I mean, this is the kind of thing that the various movements, I'll just say up the left, can't get right. You need something fun and cool that's like, no,

and you don't, I don't want kids around me, right? There's this video that people are getting mad about. What? I don't. It's not funny funnier than you declaring I don't want kids around me. I don't like I think you should I think there's enough going on these days and you know there's a lot of hysteria but like it's all pointed in odd places I don't know but the point is I it's best just to point it out because people everyone wants to call each other you know petos and and pizzas and and falafels whatever

where's this video uh this thing this is some posted on Twitter I think it's a Canadian school people are very mad about this uh let's see at first i thought it was just this the thing in the window oh just a little rainbow if you will yeah be you oh it's there volume thing here okay because it's a big awning here we're looking at basically let's just describe it for the fit so we're how do you pause this stupid thing so basically here we have kids walking through i guess in elementary school yeah they're greeted by his woman uh an um elderly woman it looks like. I mean, she must have tenure, uh, dressed up like a rainbow unicorn. She gives off like assistant principal vibes. I don't know. She might be a teacher,

but I feel like this is what every assistant principal I've ever looked at. This one would give me the attention because my tie was askew. That was actually one of the first things I thought when I saw her in this in this dumb unicorn onesie was like, this woman's probably a monster. Oh yeah. 360 days out of the year. She took her by my game boy pocket or whatever the kids have now. She's like, could down my Pokemon cards, but she's dressed up like a stupid unicorn. What is it with you? What is, like, I don't understand the unicorn thing here, by the way.

What is, like, are unicorns gay? I don't know what the unicorn thing is. I mean, I think that maybe that's just like a fun little kid thing, and then the rainbow flag is supposed to be the pride thing. I don't think unicorns are supposed to have anything to do with it. I think they've been co-opted a bit, but, you know, let's just see. So kids are walking in, they're greeted by this monstrous woman. in a unicorn outfit uh people are waving pride flags and it's just who are these kids lined up in

the wall these the gay kids why are certain kids lined like when you when as a kid like someone's walking into the school from the kids you know kids pov and you agree it by this unicorn lady and then as you get in there's like a wall with kids lined on the wall so this is this the principal like round up all the kids who are gay or who we think might be gay and we'll just Play them to the other children. And then the straight kids come in and a line and they all have to bow down to the gay kids. What is the, well, you can't question everything here. It's just tables.

That's just a table. That's just some guy with a headband, a lot of people waving these flags. They have a little, what do they call them, Louette, Laos? Lays. Layes, yeah. Well, that's suggestive. Now, as they get through this hallway, there's this rainbow arch they're walking through. And then I think it's going to cut to a little fashion show-esque vibe, like, I believe.

I mean, school just shouldn't be this fun. It doesn't, well, I go the opposite way. It's like, I mean, it doesn't seem fun at all. I mean, it seems like the kid. I could see a kid having fun with this. Like, it's a little rainbow flag. I mean, it's another video where they were dancing through, like, it was a catwalk. Oh, yeah, they're dancing to earthwind and fire.

Yeah, which is like, I mean, I guess I've, they might play, like, you know, gay events. but like it just seems very aren't like it just seems like a fast-rate mother picked that song you know what about Kesha was she still relevant or or uh what's the guy who's a bad bunny when you play some bad bunny these kids that want to listen to the fucking earthwind and fire they're a great band but kids don't what kids what kids pumping their Spotify full of earth wind and fire no one I mean what do you make of all this do you think this is a problem I mean everything that we've seen here like seems it seems like it seems like it seems like it It seems overwrought, but like it's, I don't think it's dangerous for anything.

Well, people are arguing that it's like indoctrating the kids. Well, in some ways it is. I mean, it's just that there are certain things that I think maybe you should get indoctrinated to. Like it's like, not like being gay necessarily, but like, but being okay with gay people. I think that's an okay value to. Well, I think it's a totally fine thing. And I, if it was just like a flag up in the school, yeah, right. This is a little much.

It seems a bit much. I mean, honestly, the word, I mean, the craziest. thing is I feel like it might convince people not to be gay. Yeah. Like, you know, it is... After you see your dork teacher dancing around in a pride unicorn outfit. She's trying to... Nobody's going to want to be gay after that.

You know, listener to tell you what the French Revolution was after she's like, you know, fucking doing little unicorn hops. What is this? Yeah, honestly, conservatives should support this. Yeah. There's not... I mean, this is... I can't imagine.

Are kids just lame now to like this? Yeah. I mean, we have a story in a minute about kids murdering swans. But somehow, like, this reminds me of, like, those stupid drug things. Like, remember the don't do drug stuff? Like, DARE, and those, like, sketch, those little skits people were put on. We're talking about, you have that in your school? Oh, yeah.

I won an essay contest. For what? For DARE. Oh, I don't remember for the skits. Oh, we did do skits, too, though. Did you put on the skits, or was there a troop of older kids or maybe adults? We had, we had basically, like, adults would come and, like, perform drunk driving scenarios. that's weird hey i'm at a party and like you know and like all the kids just ended up wanting to drive drunk

because it seemed like fun yeah and same you know so they were too good at the improv they're too yeah they're too entertaining yeah wow this seems like i'm at school i don't know i mean i don't i don't in all seriousness i don't know why i mean this seems like i never seen a celebration like this at all in any school for anything it seems like a weird thing to um bombard kids with i i remember when i was in eighth grade the one the thing that matched this energy yeah that i remember thinking was pretty weird was like when harry potter came out like it i was like in eighth grade or something and and all the adults became like obsessed with it like before any i think before any kids in my grade even knew about it really and they started

throwing all this harry potter theme shit at us and like they they they they had us put on a play that was based on what they were throwing like magical jelly beans that we're into well they had us like that's that's williwanka what what's the snazal frass or something what they have in it i don't know what you're talking about butter beer they're doing wet wet t-shirt contents of butter beer i don't know is that isn't butter beer or thing i don't know what you're talking about it's a it's a drink they have in harry potter i think oh okay where are those kids drinking beer it's but it's like a root beer i think Oh, that does sound good.

No, it doesn't. You think it sounds good? I love butter. Hey, like, all right. Butter and a beer? But you, you could look, we have butter in the house. Later tonight, I'm going to get you a beer and a stick of butter and you cut off as much as you want, put into a glass of beer. Let's see how much you like it.

Don't, don't threaten me with a good time. You'll be in a bathroom for six hours straight, freaking butter and beer. Is this what the pride's all about to you? but i remember like they had us put on a play that was based on harry potter really and um they had us like you know they had people come in and do readings from it yeah these like elaborate readings and it was just kind of like you know read it like it was a sermon yeah kind of and then harry potter tried to ask out was it jenny something jenny oh yeah jennie now i don't know who any of these ron weasley was a red was a was a ginger

blessed be blessed be christ i don't know what happens in those books honestly these kids are kind of shot if this is what appeals to them they like harry potter i don't know how we're going to fight in the war for taiwan i mean i'm serious is that what you're concerned about i'm concerned about the microchip war for taiwan they make all the microchips You think all the, you think kids are going to be too soft? Soft with Harry Potter. I don't look, gay kids are fine, but like, you know, it's just, why are we trying to get gay kids to, like, you know, being to unicorns?

You know what I'm saying? Let gay kids be into, like, you know, I mean, they are. You know what? That's a good point. Yes, it is kind of, like, it is weird, this whole display, it does weirdly, like, associate being gay with all these kind of, like, you know, campy, feminine things. sure which does seem like a little bit like regressive why not gay mecks yeah you know like like like transformers but also like uh robotech and like uh there was uh what else was macros

a lot of japanese but there was also the power rangers were kind of mecky some get why not gay mecks i mean they might exist but let's emphasize that like kids can play with robots that are gay why do we need to have like you know my little pony or whatever this is what if what if we turned what if public school started doing a youth UFC tournament for pride month do you think make the the gay kids fight each other like you encourage them to sign up like it's cock fighting if everyone is welcome but the gay kids are particularly encouraged to sign up are people going to be taping like razor blades to the gay kids feet I mean, if competition gets, you know, rough enough.

That's what they do with the cockfighting, you know, right? They tape little razor blades. Oh. Yeah, it's sad. Kind of cute, though. It is cute, yeah. I wonder if they ever get a little, if they ever get like a fake switchblade. You know, like where, like when they kick it, or automatically switches.

Oh, that would be so, that would be kind of cool. Or even a butterfly knife. Oh, yeah. Honestly, I feel like I can reinvent any thing, like I make a cooler, except this podcast. I could just transform the world of cockfighting. I mean, honestly, graft little horns to their heads. Because chickens love, like, you know, doing the head bob thing. They do.

And they could be spiking each other. I mean, you shouldn't cockfight. It's wrong. It's illegal one, and two, it's wrong. Yeah. And three, you know, it does look fun, though. But never do it. I mean, if you didn't have the moral compunction of it,

Right, where you're wild, like, oh, this is kind of shitty, right? If you just grew up in the situation, I'm not even say a culture. I don't know what, if it's, if it is like universally loved in any culture, it was just kind of like, you know, some people like strip clubs. You know, like they don't go to Mexico. We don't like cockfighting. It's like six guys in a town who's got to get drunk. Yeah, they're all like the town dirt bags.

Right. But if you were into it, it's got to be a lot of fun. I'm not into it. I can't, you know, kind of like the whipping thing or being a furry, I guess. I don't know. I'm not going to fight for these, this culture war. You know, I'm going to make my, I'm going to be an island to them unto myself with my gerbils, with my weird gerbil tube.

And I'm, you know, I'm going to ride the fence that way. I'm too afraid of getting canceled on either side. So I'm just going to, I'm just going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, have these gerbils and all I'm going to do is scream like this is not about pride this is not about being get I this is something I do because I'm creative and I like I like the companionship and just he scream like I'm in Times Square and like kids are like asking to take pictures of me like I'm not one of them I'm not one of these I'm not here for you I just wanted to go to the M&M store get away from me uh well anyway welcome to the

show. What's going on in the world? We have, we teased this before. Uh, this story. Uh, my button here just says teens kill swan, but I think there's more to it, hopefully. Hopefully. I mean, what, you know, but, but also how much more could there be? Like, what did this one do? Three teenagers arrest. That's a good point. It's a swan like she don't taxes. Three teenagers arrested after stealing prized swan Before killing it and eating it Let's read some of the story What is oh look at these cute swans

I love that book trumpet of the swan I know yeah you got you bought a copy I forgot I should actually read it I just bought it and put it on the bookshelf I love that he has a little pouch And he collects the money And he wears the trumpet Read something oh and he eats watercress sandwiches

He loves those watercress sandwiches I never had one in my life It's like a lettuce sandwich right yeah those wasp will just eat anything won't they go ahead three teenagers have been arrested for allegedly stealing a prize swan in upstate New York before killing and eating it what's a prize is like well I guess we'll get through it in a second but I mean it just seems like if there's that prize you should have kept it in a cage probably right yeah probably unless they I mean maybe they stole it from a cage

ooh I mean how secure can a swan cage be I mean perhaps is running through the body you're a very fat man with a tube system that seems pretty secure that would be i mean honestly anything would be secure in that i would love to get fat enough to have a swan run to my tubes that would make me very happy uh police open an investigation if the swans are reporting missing a member of the public spotted two of the sickness my sister's to know what that mean i know i vaguely know it's a baby right or something it's a baby swan i don't think people they should put in parentheses baby swan i'm i'm i'm I'm a learned man or learning it enough.

You know, I shouldn't be like, oh, everyone knows what a signet is. Yeah. You know? At least out on whatever this site is. Right. Swancrime.com. Uh, in a spot of the two of the sickness in the shop in the nearby town of Salina and called authorities.

A teenager who worked at the shop confessed to take apart in the swan napping. Wait, so he worked at a shop that was selling the swans? What is going on here? The remaining two signals were found at the first suspect's home in Syracuse. However, the mother swan was eating after being cooked by one suspect. Mother swan was consumed, melanists. I mean, sad to say, but it's what they did. I guess I think so far I take the teen side.

I mean, how hungry do you have to be to eat a swan? I mean, well. I mean, maybe they were, I mean, they might, maybe they needed to eat. I don't care about swans that much. No, I mean, what, what is, why is this, first of all, why is this swan prize? Is this one, I mean, do they do, like, tap dancing? You know, is it, is it, like, really into, is it, you know, make documentaries about, you know, what is a woman or whatever? Is this a match, is it a Matt Walsh swan?

What is like, yeah, I mean, but this is a very bad article because, like, I need to know if they, like, put a gun to woman's head to get the swan or something like that. I feel like in every small town, like, people go a little crazy over the swans. Like, like, I remember when I was a kid, like, adults, like, keeping track of certain swans. Keeping track, how? Like, I'm just, like, they just knew which, which swans were which that would hang out of a pond. They were lying to you. They're just trying to get in your pants. Hey, hey, there.

You know, a little girl. I know the names of all the swans. That swan's name is Tolliver. Would you like to meet Tolliver? I might be able to arrange that because I happen to know all the great swans in this town. You mentioned it some memories are coming back to me. I'm Bob Swan I never saw Talavo that summer

I knew I mean that's a name people have some people are named Swan how do you get that name by being a really hot baby I guess what I said no I said some people are named Swan yeah how do you get

oh so you know what I said I feel like you have to be a really hot baby to like earn the name swan it's a last name oh I thought you meant the first name swan okay so you think swans are really hot is that your thing yeah i mean they're they're beautiful creatures i mean yeah but it's like if you sort of really imagine having naming your kid's swan imagine naming your kid's first name swan and they grow up and they're ugly wasn't that the name of the guy in the pruss thing swan's remembrance or something i think his name was swan i don't know i've

never read pruse remembrance of things past swan's way or something is called but this guy named swan what does swan do i think i have two ends though I don't know it's the book's all bad guy eating the cookie and he just has like you know 16 years of memories flow back to him you know I mean literally take it's 16 it's a very long book I got derailed here the point is uh what is what did they do to get this song the three teenagers were arrested on charges including theft and theft and criminal mischief in connection to the animal's disappearance. Two of the suspects, 16 and 17, were released to their parents because they are juveniles.

The third, who is 18, is awaiting arraignment. Okay, so they just, they just kill, you should be able to kill a swan. Yeah, to eat it. Like, I mean, unless it belongs to somebody, but it doesn't seem like it belongs to anyone. Why is it that you can kill a cow? You can kill and eat that. You can kill a, um, well, can keep people eat porks they can kill porks yeah like pigs yeah yeah yeah those

pork pigs and uh whatever but you can't kill a swan yeah or is a swan the kind of thing that people think is like they're dead mom or something like you know is that i feel like a yeah kind of honestly yeah i feel it's kind they think that they're like animal angels yeah if you live in syracuse and your mom dies your dad just goes like see that swan over there shitting on the whole over the football field that's your mom she's always be with you and then these teenagers in bird of it fucking look like it's like it like it's a pecking pa film uh i don't know should we raise money for these kids i don't know i i need to know the details because i don't want to be involved in some situation where like they like you know they abused a woman and then

killed a swan i mean i i initially i assumed that it was like a prank that they were pulling or something. But when we read that part where it's like the woman was actually like cooking it and eating it. Well, they're probably, I mean, they might actually be like a woman cooked it and eat it. They might actually be street urchins we're dealing with here. Wait, a woman cooked and ate it? I thought they did. Yeah, somebody's mother was cooking it and eating it. The mother's oh no, the aunt. That was one suspect's aunt. Oh, what's she into? She's just, she's one of those ants that hangs out of high school parties. Hey boys. Anyone want to eat some swan? I could cook it. if you kill it you know that's kind of ants yeah oh yeah they see male attention oh yeah

would you at any point in your life would you like lonely enough to like offer to cook a murdered swan at a party i was asking um everyone gets a little lonely sometimes that's true if i thought if i was that party when i was 23 and i thought if i screamed out i'll kill I'll cook a swan if you kill it and would get me any attention. I would do it. Okay. All right. If I thought that it would, yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's start going to parties. I want to try this. I want to start going to parties and offering to kill swans. I want to become, but not for teen high school parties. You know, adult parties. It's also a good way to like kind of flex without really ever having to prove it.

Like you could just be like, hey, you guys don't have any swan meat on hand, do you? Preferably murder. swan meat oh no all right it's too bad I cook a mean swan I mean this is the whole thing in my pit I mean a few weeks ago I was talking about wanting pigeon yeah and uh I don't know some people thought it was weird and some people said you know it's it's totally normal but I could been in jail when we were talking about exotic meats we didn't even think about this one this is crazy well we didn't we didn't consider the murdering part of it anyway uh we hope we get to the bottom of this I don't want to say you know good luck to the kids

I don't know what they did. It does seem like a swan would have a lot of meat on it. Really? Yeah, because it's kind of a round animal. Is that how? It sits on a, you know, it sits on a fleshy, you know, it seems to have a fleshy mound on its bottom. So the swans have got a fat ass.

I mean, sure. Do you want to? I mean, just by the, I mean, just by the rules. Are you into swans? I mean, just by the rules of meat that's got to taste good. Ass is always good. Yeah. As meat's the back.

I mean, bacon's not where it does in the back, right? What is the, rum roast, I guess? Is a ham and ass? Well, I think rump roast is the ass, yeah. Right, but also isn't a ham and ass? I think ham is an ass. It might be, yeah. I don't know.

I'd love to find out. We should, we should make a book. All the meat, all the ass meat. That's just, yeah. But yeah, that's a good idea. I think it is. We'll move on from this disturbing story. We have something else.

This is a story about weird call. So the headline is from a Greg sausage roll to Dyson Hoover Box, Edinburgh, I guess, funeral firms quirky coffins. These are weird coffins from Scotland, which is, I mean, this is the other side of the pond. This is what they're doing. They're making coffins. One of them looks like a,

I guess, what's I call a TARDIS from Doctor Who? You know, the phone box thing. That one's cool. I guess. I mean, it's cool.

I mean, it's cool until you know, until you realize, until you just think about it for two seconds. Yeah. And that it's like, there's nothing whimsical going on in there. I mean,

what if a guy just had like a big play, like a porn image on his coffin? I think that would be fine. That's what he likes. Yeah, that's what he likes. Okay. I don't look at it.

It's fine. I mean, I don't think it's particularly cool. If I knew a person who, if I went to a funeral for my best friend, for my child, and they were in a coffin that was like a TARDis, I'd leave. And I would not pay my respects. I would say, what the fuck is this? I mean, look, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't think, oh, what a cool, fulfilled guy.

This must have been. But I would think probably, this is probably a. a lonely person and this is probably what they had most in their life was doctor who i would go to their significant other their their their their widowed wife um if it's our son i would say go to you and i'd say what the what kind of insult is this uh you you think i'm a joke excuse me how did you know my husband i met him at the at the nobody beats the whiz years ago do you remember that electronic store nobody beats the whiz i do but i i don't remember you ever coming up they went out business around 2005 or so okay so did you did you I mean did you I think they were actually owned by

people who owned the Rangers and the Knicks you know the Dolan family but you know that's besides the point but I met on there once we were both looking at uh at digital binoculars and we uh and we just struck up our conversation and then and then you became friends or I mean I I I talk to him online sometimes let's not go crazy here especially in this context Now I know what a freak he was What do you mean? I was he a freak Look at this TARDIS

Yeah he was a huge fan of Doctor Who Okay, it was a very meaningful show to him It inspired him when he was a trial Is this because I refused to go to Churps and Caicos with him He asked me once I wanted to go to Turks and Caicos and I said no It sounds like a ridiculous island I feel like this is revenge for that

Just dragging me My husband works to be, my husband worked hard all of his life to provide for his family. I think if he wants to be buried in a tortoise machine, that's his business, you know. And I don't know if he's a guy who he met at, nobody beats the whiz. Yeah. It really has any right to tell him that, like, he, that, or tell me that, you know, I shouldn't respect my husband's last wish. Well, I believe in living my life by speaking truth to power. So, uh, once you shut your pig mouth, put you in a pig shape coffin when you die.

How about that? You have a coffin shaped like a pig. I don't see how you could possibly do that. My family would never let that happen. I'm going to pay your family for your funeral rights, the rights of your funeral. And when you die, and I'm not going to do it,

don't you dare try to call the cops because I'm not going to do anything to you. But when you die, don't you think you get me on that take reality. But when you die, I'm going to have a pig-shaped coffin, but the pigs also want to spit. And so it rotates around over a fire.

Wait, my, like my body would rotate, around or the pig or the whole coffin would over the coffin is the main part of the coffin is pig shaped which you would go into that and then but also there's a part of a larger mechanism where it's on pull up a big a fake spit and fire that actually sounds kind of cool yeah because you're some anyway i got to go um um so is that what is this is there a story Hold on the second, though. We got so fixated on the TARDIS. One of them is just like a Dyson vacuum thing.

A company is just like paying people to advertise on their coffins now? What is this? Read some of the story. A funeral firm is hoping to, quote, break the taboo of talking about death by offering custom-made coffins, which includes a casket designed like a Greg sausage roll. Wait, what taboo? Like, do you want people just constantly like, hey, so your dad's dead, right? unless that you think you think he's getting

rotted out in the ground by worms why why why is it such a taboo tell me about your dad's dead body we're kind of creeped ones what are they talking about suggested designs include the doctor who tartis

a part of tenant what was I say oh a pint of tenant's logger and a bottle of bell's whiskey this they're just trying to sell ads this is just like the penny saver of death. There's also Star Wars, Game of Thrones,

the Walking Dead. The firm, which all has branches in the northeast of England in Edinburgh, said the coffers are built to the needs of each individual customer. With that coughing that destroys DNA evidence. It's a theme coughing.

It's just, I don't know. This is, honestly, this is Game of Thrones ones. It's disgusting. It's not even cool. It's just like, it's just like, it's just, a poster on like like silk screen on through a car it's like literally it's just advertising the show like

it's not like there is it's not like dragon shaped or yeah imagine if like HBO came to like you know me after you died or you came to you after I died right and then and then it was like some HBO executive and like but we're trying to promote this new house to game of throwing spend off house of the dragon and we know your husband just killed himself shot you know shot you shot himself in the face you really can't have an open coffin yeah yeah i remember that yeah i found his body so yeah so you know what i'm talking about yeah you get it yep yeah we're definitely going for a close coffin sure so how about can i help you or oh i believe you i'll like maybe i can help you okay uh we would be willing to pay um funerals are expensive right sure we would be willing to pay

to have your husband's coffin adorned with advertisement for House of the Dragon. Yes. I mean, look, like he liked, I think he liked House of the Dragon

fine enough, but no, I would never, I would never use his coffin. You don't have to pay us to do it. We'll do it gratis. Oh, I thought you were going to pay me to do it.

No, whatever coffin you want to buy will print, you know, we'll take it from you and we'll, It'll take about two weeks. That was this even good advertising for you.

It's going to be in the ground. People are at funerals often look at the coffin. Yeah, that's true. So, you know, it's like, you know, it's just getting that attention. It's getting that hype. Hopefully, there'll be some newspaper that will print a story about how weird you are for doing this. And how disgusting your husband must have been. Maybe looking to a suicide.

Maybe your insurance company will, like, you know, use that to kind of not pay you life insurance. And it'll be a whole story. So, you know, and then I'll mention the house of the dragon coffin, you know, and cha-ching. One question. Yes. Can you, is it possible to get a coffin that's shaped in such a way that it'll fit the hamster tube that was grafted to his body before he died? Because it kind of made his body kind of oblong shaped. And it needs to, we need actually a special coffin to like to match that shape.

ma'am for him you were this i've never been more disgusted in my life you're one of those hamster two people where's it go to his skull is that why he shot himself to make a big extra extra head hole for his hamsters look ma'am i personally support the rights of a hamster two people but our our customer base isn't going to go for that no we're we're selling them dragons and people who ride dragons not people who shoot themselves in the head to get another hole for their hamsters I can't believe you would ask me such a question. Good day. Bitch.

You heard that? I'm sorry. And we have a nice day. Okay, you too. So yeah, I don't know. This is weird. I mean, I was just anything. I mean, people are like, oh, this, I was a Pito.

I would just be like, hey, the guy with a Harry Potter coffin, look at that guy. Why are we so focused, you know, why are we so focused on certain people being weird? It's so much sadder that it's just a shitty poster It really is It's not even like if it was actually shaped like a dragon Yeah or like a griffin Right It literally just looks like like an old VHS

Which wouldn't even exist Of a house of the dragon How dumb is this It's up here Dumbness is Yeah It's got brilliant of tart on the cover too The beer one is the coolest one

yeah no i mean at least and then people also know kind of how you died almost yeah he fell he fell on some black ice while he was drunk going to a brothel could have been a beer casket no i mean honestly if it developed into that if it developed into like the the coffin kind of being adorned with with how you died sort of yeah um that would be kind of cool here's the problem with that um this is why i'm i'd be a good leader or good president because i immediately see the downside that because that was because that was evolve into like the murderer uh where you people start killing people so they can get their face on a coffin what you have the murderer you know how he died well then he's gonna put a picture of the

murderer's mugshot on the coffin that's true oh yeah like serial killers yeah you're gonna create a serial killer doing that kind of stuff imagine that man why'd you kill so many I just wanted to get my face on as many coffins as I could. I thought it would be a prize if I got the most. I was going to call a Guinness Book of Records. Did you know Guinness isn't even a thing? It's with the beer company. Those records, it's just, you know, it's not really official.

They just take your word for it half the time. That's wrong, don't you think? Anyway, it's why I killed 47 boys. Moving on. I mean, what? what else did we bring up here what else did they call out in the open oh this stupid so apple is uh do you like vr lucy i i tried vr once it was fun what did you do we will you bumblebee i you how do you think vr works wait you're telling me you're telling me this

entire vr industry which has been going on for as long as i can remember and people keep tell me every year you gotta get into VR the new thing is so good and not one of them is a bumblebee not and not one of them are you a bumblebee yeah what you think i'm catching bumblebees yeah i can do that i can do that now i want to be a bumblebee in vr and i'm just going different flower petals you know i'm sure you're shitting on the bumblebees they shoot on the flowers right is what they do yeah they pollinate them they shoot all over the pollen they come on them more i think oh really I think it's more like, I think it's more akin to coming on a flower. I thought they just ate them.

They ate the pollen. It hasn't worked. Do they eat them? No, no, the pot. They spray their, but yeah. They eat the nectar. And then I think the pollen just sticks to them. Nature's so, so dumb.

Well, it's, I mean, it's like, it's like me eating a churro. And that creates, like, a new, a new species of plant. I'm like, oh, I got just churro dust all over me. I just I rub it I rub myself on a telephone pole and all of a sudden the new ecosystem involves

anyway well Apple is getting into the game this headset does look cooler than the shitty you know Oculus I guess so

I mean it's so Apple debuts this new big product of virtual reality head what they call it Vision Pro I guess this is cooler this is a pair of goggles for i guess it only works of your apple devices i'm assuming and uh oh there it is it's only $3,500 oh so that's cheap you still think it looks cooler uh can't apple live up to months

of expectations on Monday when they introduce new high tech goggles that blend the real world with virtual reality excuse me uh the 3,500 dollar device called a vision pro will offer augmented reality and introduce spatial computing apple said but conspicuously absent from the company's carefully choreographed uh announcement with the words virtual reality underscoring the challenges the tech giant is likely to face in marketing the device to a mass audience uh what's your first reaction to that lucy um augmented reality virtual reality there's the same thing right i don't know i think augmented reality is when like you're supposed to like walk down the street and instead of seeing like a bakery it's just

like uh i don't know like it's a terra dactal right like it's that kind of thing or it's like i think that's where a augmented reality is where it's like hey oh right like Pokemon go and sure yeah yeah and like hey this guy trying to stab you was really uh dumbledore the wizard yeah that's fun I imagine using augmented reality and you have like I guess certain filters like turn stuff into into Harry Potter lizards and then you someone goes to mug you and murder you and as you're dying you're just watching a Harry Potter lizard which I'm a is that thing a Harry Potter lizard anyway whatever maybe a wizard oh I knew I was saying did you fix it did you actually mix up wizard and lizard I knew I was saying did you actually mix up wizard and lizard I knew I was saying lizard but I knew I was saying lizard but I think my brain subconsciously, you know, must have been, I don't know what happened. But anyway, lizard or a wizard, but either way, it's not the person murdering you with that. Yeah.

That must be, I mean, that would be a surreal way to die. It would. I mean, it would be a more fun way to die. I guess. I mean, unless you wonder, why is this lizard, you know? Why is this lizard hurting? Stabbing me in the heart. It hurts so much.

Yeah, but like, I thought it would be fun, but it's not that fun getting stabbed in the heart. Looking at a cute little lizard while you die, it's got to be nice. or than looking into the eyes of your killer. I didn't say it was a cute lizard. I mean, not how a wizard's a cute. These are Harry Potter lizards. They might be disgusting. But yeah, I've never done virtual reality.

Well, maybe I've done it. I'm trying to think. I don't, I mean, isn't the big thing in the games for virtual reality? Does it want people to play, do it with it? Yeah, games. Right? So doesn't Apple not have games? Port, porn also, right?

I imagine just you're just like you know you're just in a digital environment trying to explain yourself in a porn do they interact with you or you're just kind of like um I think that there's probably like POV stuff yeah like but you don't have to explain like look I'm not I'm I don't I'm not like a John right I'm just a guy who's here I'm not like I'm do it's like oh man this is this is this is this You gotta check this out as VR porn. And it's just, you're just standing at the buffet at an orgy. Like having an awkward conversation. No, I've never been to an orgy before.

My first time. Yeah. What is the way? I look like a guy who goes through a lot of these. Get lost. I mean, that would be, I mean, that would be kind of cool. Just go into, like, weird, like, eyes-white chud parties and ask people about the Ukraine war.

That seems like a meta idea. Meta should, meta should do that. I guess that's the other part of it. So this is like the meta-verse. which is like the Facebook thing which seems I'm just going to go out at a limb and say it's dumb all this is really dumb this is what they're going to put

this is what they're going to put on us and then like this is going to once everyone's wearing a VR headset they're going to like finally clean up the trash you know and like the graffiti make it nice they're just trying to push everyone into into the VR world

you know they're going to finally stop having dog shit everywhere that actually sounds nice yeah but we won't be enjoying it we'll be stuck in some weird digital classroom learning about you know bumble beef sex or whatever the fuck hey welcome to the meta first

would you like it's like some stupid game from like 1994 we're basically living in the game missed remember mist stupid mist was like you point you point on a picture and then you move through the you don't remember mist I don't remember miss anyway is that like Pong

no it's not like Pong there's nothing like pong um what if you could pick anything to do in the virtual reality world meet anybody is that something you can do you can meet i mean i don't think yet but i think eventually it's going to be the kind of thing where yeah like it's like star trek with the hollow deck where you can meet you'll be able to meet uh you know william william taft if you want i don't want to meet william taff well then you pick That's my point. I mean, honestly, I don't want to, I don't know.

Like, that's the kind of thing that like I never, I mean, okay, so let's say I could like meet like George Washington. Sure. He's not going to have anything interesting to say. It's not actually the ghost of George Washington. It's just some like, it's just some, it's just some, it's just some log of George Washington facts. It was going to have eventually AI.

There's all, all these chat GBT's. They're going to have access to every book that David's. McCullough ever wrote. That's true. The guy who wrote a John Adams book and I think he might have wrote a Washington book. Imagine if it was all powered by David McCullough books and Ron Chernow books. That would be pretty good. Yeah.

And you could meet Hamilton, but it's just all based on like this one pop biographer. It still is just like you're just listening to like an audio book, you know, you're just listening to an audio book with a face. I don't know what you think. I mean, the machine will eventually learn. And when enough people ask them questions, he'll kind of pick up on, he'll figure it out.

The machines can fill in the gaps. They'll use statistics to figure out what happened in history probably. Right. And I guess I'll learn how to like, simulate some kind of emotion. I don't know. Here's reality.

In this new world, that's going to be learning. So whatever the machine says, that's the truth. Why are you going against the current? What would you want to do? I'd want to meet the guy who invented candy I don't think there's one guy who invented candy

But candy corn Oh there probably is one guy who invented that Yeah well then I'll narrow my focus For that guy I want to say, you know I just want to shake his hand And ask him What he was trying to

What was the point of life I mean candy corn is delicious But after a few bites of it You start getting sick I would tell them that I would threaten to kill his family and he would say you're the millionth person to tell me that

using the VR machine And I say oh is that Oh you're gonna get snippy with me I'm gonna find out who your ancestors are Or descendants And I'm gonna I'm gonna go find them How about that? You like that?

Because you're trapped in the virtual world And I'm gonna go fucking You know, tell you know a piece of my mind You know, I'm gonna turn them into candy corn And you can't do nothing about it You fucking machine nothing you're a bunch of circuits and silicon and wires and and and and gears and i'm a human boy and i don't know i'm going to show my gerbil anyway

augment the reality you think the prices uh do you think this 3500 dollar price point for this apple this apple goggle thing it's this vision pro you think this is like uh is this kind of thing people are going to be like you know remember beats headphones let's just say beats headphones but like everyone's like oh it's 300 400 bucks for headphones everyone's like oh cool so i'll be the cool guy i mean you're gonna have people this is i mean remember google google glass failed yeah miserably oh yeah but these look like ski goggles i'd look around with these on yeah i mean can you actually see through them like can you kind of like oh probably you probably you probably see a digital version of what you're

seeing everyone's shade like candy corn um should we give these to the homeless um that i mean that might be nice yeah like i mean and you and like you know it's virtual reality uh fentanyl you know yeah it's like it's like it's gonna be like uh oh so like it's gonna be like i'm living in, like, a nice house and, like, no, it's going to be you doing fentany hole. Joy. This is kind of a tangent, but, like, being put in a coma in Russia worked for Jordan Peterson. Um, did it? Long term did it?

I mean, maybe. I mean, I like the guy, but I don't, I don't know. He's a fun guy. I don't, I don't know if, like, it's the kind of thing where it's like, um, we're going to, can we get him back to, like, back on a guy? was and it's like it's like it's like that thing he gave a drones with the mountain he's like yeah oh yeah he's sort of a man he'll be different it's like weaker oh no is that one you can't say about you can't say he's a

weaker version of himself he's just crazier what was your point bringing up here's i mean why can't why can't we do that for uh you know virtual reality like offer somebody a volunteer like a coma for what I don't drug addiction oh um I guess it would cost money why can't we fly people to russia well no do it here do it here put them in the coma look there are there are uh experimental drug ibrahimagane or whatever and i think maybe iowasca and ibo gain are similar ideas where you you can basically quit addiction with it in theory sure so you want to take all the homeless people and just give a different drug that'll make them clean yeah it's also

are we give them homes afterwards or it's just like oh no that's a bridge too far Enjoy sobriety on the streets of San Francisco. Where else is going on this Apple device? Is there anything newsworthy here? It's just like, hey, this is the news now. Apple's selling a new thing. Keep your eyes out. Past virtual reality offerings include Google Glass, Magic Leap.

What the fuck is Magic Leap? Microsoft's HoloLens and Mehta's Quest Pro have been either commercial failures or only modest successes. And companies have so far out of this is, I mean, I can work for the New York. York Times. I just write like stupid things coming out. Other stuff didn't work. Analysts do not anticipate the Vision Pro, which will be available early next year to have significant mainstream appeal, at least at first. The $3,500 price could dissuade many consumers. Yeah, this is why you working on the New York Times. You're not a sales genius.

If they sold this thing for 300, no one would want it. Everyone, every rich kid is going to have one and they're gonna and they're gonna just be like you know doing exotic designer drugs what designer drugs by the way i don't know i've never heard of that what it's you never heard of designer drugs no it is it i don't know exactly it's like a term people use for like certain drugs look it up here look up with designer drugs designer drugs substances are commonly known as designer drugs and fall under Oh, okay, so it's like bath salts and stuff. Oh, yeah, I always think about...

It's like, yeah, it's things that are, like, artificially made, I guess. You know, as opposed to, like, the fentanyl plant. Yeah. The fentanyl flour. Hey, fentanyl grows in the ground, man. God gave us fentanyl to enjoy. Yeah, for some reason, I always think of just, like, really stylish drugs. Right, yeah, like...

Like, Newt, remember in Robocop 2? They had nuke. It's just like those little red tubes You stick them in your neck Oh right I wish that was a real drug I become addicted so quick Anything you can stick in yourself

In your body Yeah Like in a in a Steampunk way Sure Yeah I look it look kind of like Like almost like a

Like a glow stick Like a little glow stick Like a little glow stick You shove inside yourself It did look cool Yeah Imagine imagine getting high on that stuff And then a giant robot man

Comes in shooting at everyone And like holy shit shit the church's really going to hell all of those movies people didn't like robocop too i love robocop too i thought it was great yeah the one they try to make a new robocop and he shoots himself in the head and he's fantastic um if you could be if you could robot police one city in the world what would it be um hmm he is uh uh toronto really well will you what you envision your robot about cop beat in Toronto to be like I imagine it be like being really friendly and it's all

very like idyllic yeah until uh you know um you know but but every once in a while it will just get triggered randomly into like a spree of violence um yeah I would go and that of what that creates peace sure because you're shooting people yeah yeah I would go to Rotterdam in the in the in the Netherlands oh wow why Rotterdam They got a lot of robots. They could have been a lot of friends. You know, there's a port. They got a robot port where they, everything's robots.

And I would just shoot at like, you know, shipping containers for no reason. That's a good one. And then they would probably, you know, I don't know, they'd probably come to me with them and like shut me down. What about Boston? Is Boston dynamic actually in Boston? I assume so. I have always assumed it was. It's really in Milwaukee.

And then it could take over. My robot cop could take over all the Boston Dynamics. I would love to be a spider, like a metal spider. Oh, yeah. But not even a robot. I would love to just build like a giant erector set robot thing, a pod, and then just move it with my arms and legs. That sounds fun.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I could pedal it. Maybe the pedaling runs a series of gears where it still moves like a spider. Yeah. You would destroy a lot of people's homes with that. Well, I don't know how big. There's only so much you can control its path when you guys, eight giant legs.

Well, I don't know how big you think it's going to be And how, like, powerful you think Like, I'm going to build, like, an erector set I mean, it's not going to be hydrically powered How small could it be, though? I don't know. I mean, it could be double my size. You think, I, me, with, like, some stupid erector.

You think me, like, something twice my size, but half of it's, like, a stupid, like, metal fabricated spider thing Is it going to crush a house? Well, I feel like at the very, even if it was that small, Like, at the very least, it's like, you're going to get me killed. You'd be, you'd be rambling down the sidewalk in it,

and some cyclist would, like, run over one of your spider legs. It's people like you who are going to end up having me murdered by the cops because they're going to be like, well, he might be, I thought, I saw Lucy on the news, and I was afraid he's going to destroy a house, so we shot him. Meanwhile, I was just playing, you know, sidewalk volleyball or something. Which is a game I invented. did to go along with my spider legs it's called spider volleyball i'm shaking shot in the face um

anyway you just you just created a spider contraption so that you can uh so that you could play goalie and in street hockey and just destroy a bunch of 10 year olds in street hockey why is always i would play with adults i'm in i'm an adult man i'm not going to play with kids i i i you think i'm going to i'm going to build a giant spider thing robot half a robot and like i'd have to play kids to beat them the whole point i mean i could do that now is goalie the point is the is the place is to defeat men grown men will submit to my robot spider legs anyway thanks so much for tuning in uh if you enjoy the show which how could you not uh just just know that we have a patreon available and the patreon

it's five bucks a month and what does it get you an extra episode every week that's four episodes for five bucks a month extra episodes on top of this it's nice it's almost as nice as spider legs so if you like that idea you can maybe do that otherwise uh thanks for tuning in and we'll see you next week have a great week Thank you.