Kump - 22 - Kump Cut Down in His Prime

Episode Date: June 12, 2019

This is a special shortened episode that was cut short abruptly due to unforeseen circumstances. I talk about strange bumps on my leg (ominous) and Lucie Steiner makes a guest appearance to address the pompous way I eat peanut butter. Tune in to the next episode where I will explain what happened to me.

This episode is brought to you by Amazon Prime. From streaming to shopping, Prime helps you get more out of your passions. So whether you're a fan of true crime or prefer a nail-biting novel from time to time, with services like Prime Video, Amazon music, and fast-free delivery, Prime makes it easy to get more out of whatever you're into or getting into. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to learn more. Hello, welcome to Kump, joining you from the closet. I met someone in real life who listened to the show, and you really do a show in the closet.

And, uh, yeah, I'm in a closet. Lucy's actually This is not in the morning So Lucy's actually outside On the main area of the apartment So I could be used in the bedroom But I like being enclosed in here I'm not particularly claustrophobic

I mean I could I'm a large part of a fat man So I could get stuck in a hole If I fell into a hole Or if I tried to climb through a window You know I could get stuck And then like possibly die Or I've watched porn

where people are, I mean, it seems much more aggressive than it should be in a lighthearted porno where the stepmom gets stuck in the window and then the stepson starts fucking her. And then she's like, ah, just finish, fine, which seems like rapey, but whatever. But I mean, that can happen to me, is my point. You know, but so I should be afraid of being, or I should be claustrophobic, but I'm not. I don't want to get stuck in a window, but, you know, if it happens, I don't know, I guess I have a bite on my leg

I think it's a bite It might just be a rash It's bumps They kind of hurt They're pulling on my skin Maybe it's a spider bite I mean do we have spiders here How would you know

I might Fall victim to a spider bite Someone messaged me If they know anything about spider bites And if I should be worried I'm just enjoying a nice Mango hard set Seltzer with this white claw hard seltzer.

It's gluten-free. I'm not advertising them. 100 calories. It's more than I thought. I mean, it wasn't really counting calories, but if they want to sponsor me, I started drinking this hard seltzer instead of always drinking liquor or beer. It's, I feel it's bloated. It's like a mango-flavored light drink.

You know, some of you might question my masculinity. But I'm living in a post-modern post-gender world. and you can't hurt me anymore. I can drink my hard seltzer and I'm going to draw it out. Listen to this. Ah, wonderful. Wonderful treat.

Takes the edge off. Really helps me get through the day. I don't care. Is that a 12-step thing? Well, I'm not going, so don't worry about it. But yeah, so I enjoy that. But I have this rash on my leg. So it was kind of a trade-off.

how are you all doing you settled in enjoying yourselves this podcast is coming late uh it's monday evening i guess you know me and lucy had plans over the weekend we didn't get them all done we addressed some of them our love is disgusting uh we spent a lot of time cuddling which was nice and sweet but also you know we were supposed to go to museums we had three day weekends so we took our friday so you know we're going to get a museum we're going to fucking have a picnic, maybe a dinner, go see some jazz.

We just ended up seeing jazz, and that was fun. I love jazz. I mean, I've been to New Orleans a couple years ago. If you haven't been to New Orleans, it's fantastic. You don't think you like jazz, but you hear people on the street just doing it and just like, it's funky. And it's like, yeah, this is great. And you're getting drunk with your mom because that's what I was doing.

I was drunk with my mom. And I snuck away while she was on, like, line for the oyster bar because I want me to make reservations for a restaurant but I stuck into a strip club I got a lap dance and I came back and I never made the reservations because the place was closed

but it was a fun town I mean we had just been to church and I was really boring I thought you know the majesty of a nice cathedral would get me through one session but now that's a nice painting and then over

just over I mean I was just like Oh, this is bad. And whatever, we got through it with the oyster. I had some fucking chargoyard oysters. Just dipping bread into it. Fantastic. And then, you know, I told my mom, I went to a strip club,

but she was just like, what? And whatever. I mean, you know, we got over it. We're a family. But yeah, jazz. I started my love affair with Jay. I mean, I was in a jazz band in high school. It wasn't very good.

I had a teacher I didn't like. He was kind of a scumbag. He told me once, he told the whole class. Like, yeah, no one will ever do anything new in music. And look, I get it. I've been studying music theory lately. And, like, a lot of it's been done, music theory. The whole octaves and keys and all that.

And, you know, timbers and fucking cadences. Yeah, people figure it out. But, like, you're, it's not for you, you shitty, like, you know, what do you make, 40 grand a year teaching Catholic high school music? You're the ones who are going to declare nothing new will be done in music. by you, you fucking, you fat fraud. He's just a fucking goon.

I don't know. I mean, I'm not going to look, maybe there isn't, but I'm not going to take the fucking, the final word of some fucking, he might as well be some fucking county workers, as far as I'm concerned. Some fucking low-level bureaucrat tell me I can't make techno beats. I think someone said, what about

techno beats? He's like, uh, you know, uh, that's the same thing. And like, fuck him. You know, because, you know, you might make some fucking funky new I don't know I'll start banging on a pot

and you know and I'll just start bleeding into a fucking microphone and then that's me excuse me that's my peanut butter repeating on me I ate too much peanut butter before but yeah so I was in the jazz band high school but it wasn't very good I didn't really know what I was doing

I kind of wormed my way in but there was one kid in my class I think his name was Barry I remember him being kind of smug about having this really nice guitar and acting like he was better than me and then uh he couldn't get in a jazz band but i got in so fuck you uh i mean i'm wasn't that proud i wouldn't be that proud of it otherwise i mean i'm still not proud of it but like he's all like he came with his stupid guitar he was just like wholly like a fucking fiddle or something like sitting in a chair

leaning back and like why don't just stand up get yourself with straps so you can stand Jesus Barry he's probably better i mean i'm sure he's stuck with it probably so i quit guitar pretty soon after that, for the most part. I got into photography and filmmaking. But on back, I'm making keyboard sounds, and I'm just fucking making beats. I'm going to start releasing beats

soon to you people. You can hear them. You can be the first people to hear my new beat. I mean, you hear the song at the beginning. It's fine. It ain't groundbreaking, but it's pleasing to my ear, sort of, it's fun. What are we're making a fucking big deal about this?

Anyway, the point is, I love the jazz was great. The big difference is just the people, like in New Orleans versus Manhattan or New York City, we want to call it, as far as like whether or not the jazz is good. Jazz is good. It was Coltrane's grandson supposedly, Ravi Coltrane. I mean, I don't know what the relation was. He could have been scamming. But they were good. They were very fast playing.

You know, it's like good shit. And people just like, I mean, a lot of people were clapping and they seemed to like it. But people in front of us were eating cheese. and just looking at their phones. I mean, it wasn't cheap. It wasn't like, I'd never, like, sell my arms to get in, but it was, uh, they weren't cheap tickets. Why are you going?

I mean, for the food? For the drinks? You get that? You know, I didn't try the food, but the drinks were fine. Expensive as shit. But whatever, you're going for the experience. I'm going to complain.

I have Lucy think I'm less than, less than a man. She enjoyed, she looks smoking hot. I look, you know, mostly a slob, but whatever. the subways were terrible but yeah we had a good jazz weekend and uh so I didn't have time to get to the podcast we had to record you know our podcast yesterday and this one today and you know stop busting my burns

about you know balls about it burns what I'm going to tell you uh yeah so what happened we went uh I just had a smoothie uh Lucy made us some nice smoothies we went to fucking Whole Foods

have to work and I kind of lost my shit a little bit I don't know I think I was a little dehydrated but there's something about running walking through these fucking

there's so many people to Whole Foods and all these Brooklyn scumbags and everyone just thinks that they're like prolonging their life or they're doing the right thing they're virtuous somehow

that's some part of some fucking just consumer corporate sweat. They're just the sweat of this capitalist society. They're all acting like they're socialist, but just fucking, I mean, who owns Whole Foods? Probably the Koch brothers.

I bet you, if you look at the documents, the Coke brothers own Whole Foods. Lucy, come here. I want to ask Lucy what she thinks about this, because I was going nuts in that place. Luzi, come in, what?

You don't have to be in the clime. I addressed that to the fans and the listeners. Share the mic with me. Is it just like a dog that grew up with not much space? It refers to being an isolated. Am I like a dog who grew up in a nice space, an isolated space and now I refer... Just talking to the mic.

What are you trying to say? Now you need to be separate from civilization. Because that's what you're used to. Yeah, I'm a dog. I'm a slob dog. I eat my own shit. I bring it to you to present myself. I was talking about Whole Foods and how I was losing my shit at Whole Foods

and how these people were being terrible and getting in my way and try to yell at me. And first off, I think the Coke Brothers probably own Whole Foods. Address that. You're probably right about that. Yes. All right. But am I accurate or was I in the role? Look, there are plenty of people at Whole Foods, especially when it's crowded.

There are plenty of people who are annoying there. But like, you were literally, you literally went like a gutter or, like, ugh, because a woman tried to pass by you with her cart and her two kids, and she said, excuse me. She said, excuse me. She said, excuse me. And you got out of the way really fast and you looked

at her like, you were about to kill her and you were like, ugh, fuck you. Well, she thinks she's because she has kids. I'm not going to, like, jump. I'm not going to jump on her, but, like, I don't like the idea she thinks she's got some kind of, like, license to be a bitch. I totally agree. I don't think having kids gives you license to be a bitch. I'm just saying, she said, excuse me.

tone matters all right you you thank you lucy everyone give a round of applause and you didn't like the fresh squeezed orange juice either and I thought that was a nice thing the oranges look terrible the oranges look like green yeah but you don't need some like fancy orange to make it fresh

she's spending all my money on smoothie material we'll get this in a second but yeah she has new plans so I don't eat food anymore I just eat smoothies it's probably for the best I mean what your goals vis-a-vis me in my body I just want you to

to be healthy. I just want you to feel good. You keep telling me how you like me fat. You don't want me to get less fat. Look, I like your body just the way it is, but I also want you to want you to live. It'd be more incentivizing if you were disgusted by me. It's always like, I love your fat

body. I love your fat, sweaty body. You want to be disgusted by you, but still be with you. So you just want me to suffer through. No, because I know you like it. So you just pretend to suffer. since you already know I'm attracted to you you want me to now pretend that I'm not

attracted I guess not this sounds weird but I mean I'm just saying like you want me to be healthy all right thank you baby I love you I love you too baby come here give me a kiss has your lip Lucy let her hair a lip because you also you know can connive to get a blender out of me I'll talk about this some more I'm closing the door now baby have a blender. Thank you. She tricked me to get a blender. She basically said, you know,

I bought the tickets for the jazz, and she said, hey, well, you know, instead of me paying for the ticket, I'll just buy this blender and we'll call it even.

I mean, so it's fine. I mean, I could end up the tickets anyway, so like you said, I got a blunder out of it. It's a ninja blender, so it's not a nice blender.

I'll shoot myself in my face. But it's not, it's not. blender. I thought about it get one years ago. Uh, yeah, a Vitamix or blend tech, but it ain't bad. But she wants me to be healthy. So we got fucking mango, frozen mango and frozen

pineapple, I guess, and orange juice. I don't know. It was a good, it was a good smoothie. Put spinach in there. Green shit. It was a green smoothie. I mean, it's fine. It ended up eating peanut butter. I was still hungry. I'm a little slob. Uh, but I don't know. These people

whole food, they just, they walk around like, I'm going on the escalator and like this person is like, excuse me, and there's this narrow little escalator. And it's like, are you rushing to get to the kale, you dumb bitch? Stop it. Stop it.

Like, just wait. You're not important. Your job is meaningless. You're a cog. You're a cognous fucking wheel. And stop acting like you're a fucking a cellist at the Philharmonic. You're a nobody and your kale is,

you're going to choke in that kale. God damn it. These fucking people with their lack of talent. And none of you have talent. I mean, you people find. And people in Brooklyn are real terrible. Everyone in me and work. Everyone in fucking see.

I mean, you got a thousand fucking scumbagged rich kids for every fucking person who can tie a knot. Anyway. Getting over the tangent here. Getting very angry. Well, memo, the access. I'm trying to read my goddamn list. No. deny. Stop. Just give me the memo.

It's a fucking phone. Takes forever to get this shit. But yeah. Lucy doesn't say I ate peanut butter weird. Lucy. Lucy. I'm back. All right. I'm sorry. Lucy's out there writing.

Well, I'm trying to sweat and blood sweat and coming to my podcast. But I want to tell people about your observation you had about me. I'm eating peanut butter in bed. The way you eat peanut butter is like you're just eating peanut butter out of the jar with a plastic spoon. Right. I don't make a mess. And you were doing this thing where you'd like clamp the spoon down on your tongue. And then you just hold it there for a second.

And then you just like, and then you just slowly like, mm. like pull the spoon out of your mouth while you're like ruminating. It's like you look like a dainty king who's like ruminating on a fucking ruling he's about to hand down while he eats his peanut butter. Let's turn you on. Be being so regal. No, it was very bizarre. All right.

Well, you know, I just eat people the way I eat it. You're going to start. And then you twirl it around in your hand. You just pull it out slowly and then you twirl it around. and then you twirl it around in your wrists for a little while. I don't twirl it around. I just kind of let it hang in the air. You twirling.

And as you're talking it, you're twirling it. Well, I'm enunciating my points of my hands. I'm like an Italian guy. I'm just pointing, I'm pointing with my spoon. It's not a juddy or energetic enough to be Italian. It's just a twirl. It's like this dainty twirl. All right.

Well, I'm still a man. I'll see you later. Go back in my closet. I love it. you too, baby. There's Lucy. If you like Lucy, you should go listen to our podcast.

Our love is disgusting. Where it's us together. This is, you know, just a little treat you get because we live together so I can call and beckon upon her. And it's great.

Thank you.