Kump - 46 - The Labor of Kump

Episode Date: September 6, 2020

Ray talks about leisure, boogie boarding, the morgue, and how to fix sports. Sign up at patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week. 

Hello and welcome to Kump. We're on the eve of Labor Day. It's exciting. It's an exciting time in this country. This country values nothing. nothing more than labor, all sorts of labor, you know, criminal labor, corporate labor. We're just a, we're a labor state. We're believing the labor theory of value.

It's just what we do. It's a nice time to converse with your fellow comrades about the benefits of, I don't even know, Marx. People don't like Marx. They don't like Chomsky They like They like the guy Marconi It's not Marconi Some Italian guy

He's better He's the better anarchist Which is fine with me I'm all for it You show me a guy Who's going to tell me Why Dick Cheney Is actually

Killing You know Point 6% more people Than we thought And then you know The government's screwing You know They're shoving

Their flaccid Appendages a little bit deeper into us. Like, all right. Chomsky was a shill for the CIA. I get it. But that's not important. We're not here to discuss the benefits of Marconi versus Chomsky,

whoever his name is. The point is labor. It's a day for us to just lay back and contemplate the world. Now have to hand you a pound of macaroni salad. And I have to fucking, you know, oh you come in here most days you come to my deli and you ask for a pound of macaroni salad but you want the you want the mayonnaise taken off you want me to wash the mayonnaise off and it just seems like we we can make a batch about mayonnaise no you want the hint of mayonnaise but you want me to wash it off that's what did they do labor in this country just wash the man you can't wash the mayonnaise off and the mayonnaise doesn't come out in the wash you know people people talk about people come from certain places I forget the expressions you can't watch the dirt eye and nails but you can't of course you can these are dumb expressions but they talk about people who you know

try to rise above their station in life who try to I don't know they started out in the dirt and they and they became the king of cars the car king of Detroit Detroit that'd be a tough one the car king of Cincinnati I sell cars I make millions of dollars a year. I have a hot fucking wife who fucking takes her tits and shoves them into a fucking, a camera that I bought her. But only for me. There's a fucking, it's a weird box I built and just takes tit pictures. And she sends them to me while I'm selling cars. That's the dream. It's the American dream. We're just, that's just my tit wife, just photographing her dumb. I mean, she went to Harvard.

probably not Harvard she went she went to Sunni Farmingdale and she fucking takes pictures of her tits but doesn't put them on the internet but I came from a dirt I came from a I was a guy who worked in the dirt and uh now she's just fucking she doesn't cook

she always take us takeout from fucking uh Chipotle because she thinks that's classy and I like it I like the taste but I want to eat steaks that's the kind of guy who you know complain but you can wash the dirt off uh and but you can't wash the mayonnaise off um that's the day mayonnaise isn't you know we're a mayonnaise country people will love the shit on people uh i see a lot

this thing that's not in any kind but like apparently white yeah i believe it too i mean i've always had seasoning i used adobe or dobo from goya um people the the the logic out there is that white people don't season their food which i mean i i've seen plenty of them who don't i mean i don't i live in a city at the moment i grew up on one island where the food was seasoned um but you hear horror stories um about the people out there the white people specifically who just don't i guess they just boil their meat they put uh they don't put paprika on their on their on their on their cereal whatever i mean you know i like seasoning i would invite i mean we that's the whole point that's a weird thing it's like for for a country that's is imperial as the united states

and don't tell me it's not oh we we only fight wars we have to come on come on we fought we like we're first of all we're seeing people who fought the spice wars or whatever they call them we came here looking for spices well i mean that was the whole deal right we to America looking to get seasonings oregano possibly or jasmine

is that a seasoning or is that a scent uh coriander fucking uh old bay spice which which colony do we get old bay spice I guess the old bay you know probably Massachusetts right

I mean they come as one or you have to mix that is old bay just one thing that'd be amazing if like we have to we have to you know Columbus is like like, look, I'll get you a route to the new world. They're trying to get to India, right? That's the whole game, the gimmick.

They, the crusades happened, and people kind of realized, oh, shit, there's spices out there and silk and things. You know, the logic is, you know, the crusades, I mean, it's simplified, but the crusades happen. We kill them on, you know, the Catholic Church wages war on the Muslim Empire or whatever at the time. They fight back. It's back and forth.

I mean, they took Jerusalem. We took it back. we how is it we why is it we it shouldn't be we that's part of the problem why we why are we relating to like when they go oh you infant you know you when when there's this like religious shit going on it's like it's like well we fought the crusade did we I'm not saying like don't why aren't we on the side of like just just I'm not defending and I'm not saying first of what we did enough in the post 9 11 years so don't get me wrong but it's just like why are we even why are we even backing this like these guys are

fucking maniacs but we're like defending the actions of a pedophile empire but whatever i mean look this is like this is who we're like stockholm syndrome we're like oh no the crusades weren't all evil i mean look our pedophile and abackers or whatever we go our pedophile emperor pope fucking you know uh he got a point that we needed to get this stupid fucking brick city of jerusalem cares let them have it like whoever had let's the fucking what the mormons have it Why don't we give a shit? Let the Mormons take Jerusalem. Why give it shit?

I mean, the Jews seem to be very focused on it now, so it would probably be geopolitically. That's probably not the best stance to have. He's like, hey, let the Mormons have it at Jerusalem. That's going to start a war. But you see my point. Whoever, but let it be King Solomon. Like, didn't it cut it in half, and that's not a good idea.

The baby in half, cut the baby in half? And like, oh, like, you know, my mother's like, I mean, I bring us up all the time. It's my, it's the only thing from childhood that I learned, apparently, is King Solomon threatening the kind of baby in half. And then the mother going, you know, yeah, give me half the baby. I'm going to hug half a baby. I want to just lick its fucking spleen, I guess.

Spittle over its fucking colon. You get the colon from the outside, right? What is the colon? It doesn't matter. The point is that I don't care. I was on a focus though We were on focus Spices

All right So they fucking fought their crusades And they discovered spices And uh And therefore We have to get more of these spices and quicker And that's the whole fucking gimmick of Why we conquered the new

The quote unquote new world Which the irony of that name is I'm sure You know Been beating the death You know So it's new A bang bang it's new No one's here

Whatever you got But the point is It's ironic, I guess Because there does seem to be And look, if you look at the I mean, people I think have gotten better with spices Even people who weren't accustomed to them But there was a, you know, plenty of time

In this country you drive around And, you know, it was barbecue in Texas And those places But in the middle of America I mean, people just have mayonnaise salads I mean, honestly, we went to the Hamptons And then we got some potato salt No, macaroni salad

Just covered in mayonnaise Covered in man And this is not a even a fucking maybe it's you know not all of long island is uh that's a reflection because but those people are rich just like south hampton or the east hampton and like we got we got bagels shit bagels disgusting pointless bagels and the salad was just fucking i mean i like a good macaroni salad my grandma made a good one um we used to like the i learned from my dad one of the great things i learned from my dad is when you have we'd have macaroni salad with thanksgiving dinner You think that's bullshit?

You think that's not, like, something you should do? Fuck you. You're not, I'm American. I get to be an American. You can't tell me how to celebrate my National Patriot Days. My patriotic fucking displays. You can't tell me how to fucking, you know, show my love for this fucking beautiful country. We'd have macaroni salad on Thanksgiving, and he'd put the gravy on the macaroni salad,

The witch did have mayonnaise, just not that much. And you fucking let the gravy sip over it, and it was nice. There's something nice about it. It mixes in the gravy. It's just, it's like, it's almost like an analogy for, like a melting pot. So, point is, but there's an irony, you know, we're going to fucking go get spices, and then we don't use any of them. I guess we sell them. It's kind of the guy who fucking, you know, the car king of Cincinnati, but he drives around a fucking shit.

Chevy Nova, which is, you know, a noble car, I suppose. But, uh, this is a guy who fucking owns a steakhouse, but, you know, eat hot pockets. It happens. Uh, you know, when I worked at the morgue, you don't see me watching horror films and Gore, Gorb films. They want to watch GoreFest 56? No, I had my, fuck, I was wrist deep and a decomposed bus driver today. Obese man, just fucking, you know, sad.

He, you know, killed himself in them. he's decomposed because no one loved him but no one no one came for him i'm not going to do that far i'm not going to disparage the dead man to the point where i no one loved you maybe they were running a marathon they couldn't get to their dead loved one their father their their husband you know maybe some woman was like look i had to go train for a marathon for two months don't kill yourself while i'm gone and he did because he's a fucking sneak he's got a real sneak she knew something was up we shouldn't make light of suicides because, you know, it's a serious thing, and it's depression.

But this guy, you know, it was just a sneak. I know, I know him specifically. So don't fucking give me shit. Most suicides you should take very seriously. But this guy was a sneak. Whatever. The point is, I was wrist deep in there. Just fucking, it was weird.

The organs were little orange. The fat turns orange. It was rancity. Just smells like fucking. I didn't know how described. I described the smell of a decomposed, like a really decomposed body here before. It's like rotten meat mixed with shit,

mixed with just like a citrusy kind of vibe. And like a citric thing with a kind of ammonia. But it's just, but like everything's amped up by like, you know, thousands. It's just one of the most noxious things. I mean, you, like I would fucking, you know, just take up like a man, quote unquote, not to gender anything.

but you know I would I would take the opportunity to not my whole thing was like we're here anyway we're going to do it anyway why are we going to go like oh it smells yeah like people I worked with would be like that they'd be like ah it's mad you worked here for a while years sometimes decades even oh this really stinks yeah just act like you've been there what's wrong with that what's wrong you can do it anyway I can see if you're like look I tap out I'm going home I go we can do that whatever I'm leaving it's the county job we're going to fire me. I would get that. Cool. But like you're doing it anyway. We're all hung over. It's a Saturday morning and now I am. I wasn't even able to eat my egg sandwich, which I brought with me to the

morgue, which I would do sometimes. I'd bring a nice egg sandwich. But then there'd be like 15 bodies and like three of them are decomposed, which wasn't the average, but you know, sometimes you got a bunch of decomps on any given day. So you show up. You know, there was two photographers, which, you know, in some ways, was, like, a lot of the time was overkill. But it's a county job. So, like, they have to, because they're not going to, you know,

you can't just have someone else do your job. Like, when I work, you know, in a private sector, you know, when someone's out, you know, for a vacation, we all just kind of take some of their work on our plate. Even if it's, like, not our job. You know, let's just say, like, you know, that person's some kind of coordinator.

You fucking, their boss, if I take some of it, you take some of it. You take some of it, you fucking, whatever. That doesn't work in the county. The county is like your job is your job. It's like your title. You can't work out of title.

And so it's very, you know, I guess I don't know if it's a county thing or a union thing, but whatever. The point is, so you'd have overkill, you'd have extra, we'd have like, you know, two photographers every day. It was three total. We'd kind of, we'd kind of, you'd, do the schedule would rotate. Don't worry about it. And the point is, but, you know, we also, that way, like, when someone was off, there was someone there. And someone was on vacation. Someone's there.

So it wasn't always two. but the point is you get there and it's 15 bodies and that's the day you're fucking co-worker oh i'm sick no you're not you're fucking you're at the beach eating mayonnaise salad good for you know good on you it's like sometimes it was a race of who actually you know who calls in sick first because it's not you know it was a certain understanding of not questioning it's kind of uh which is maybe the most jobs but they're like the county i never wanted to work for the county because i always got the vibe that it was a lot of people people who didn't

say we weren't trying hard as one thing but like it was just they didn't care and it was just kind of like a floating because anytime you interact with someone who works with the government it's always kind of as apathy and you imagine it's like what are you doing you're fucking approving permits

or you're fucking doing I don't even know what people do I mean there's plenty of jobs you know look there's things out there if you're a social worker but even that just seems you're part of a system I'm sure you're helping people but there's a but in the more you know it was interesting enough so I took the job and like there's a certain thing like people look people aren't they're not the most go-getter I guess out there but you know there's a certain level of apathy you can really

have when you know you have bodies piling up you come in there's 15 bodies you can't just fucking be like uh well I guess we'll just you know maybe we'll look two we'll just do what we do no you have to get done you have to get them done that day I mean there was a rule that was put in place where they had to finish them that night. They couldn't, like, hold over until the next day. And you wonder where that rule came from. I mean, were they just piling up the same way I, you know, put off cleaning my bedroom? They're like, we'll cut that body open, you know, next week maybe.

We'll get a chance. We'll do that in between bodies, that child. The child's got priority. But, you know, whether that old man, well, old people. Would, you know, with the menu. Meny, what's the word? It's what we got. It's old people who smelled like piss

That was your baseline And then you get the murders And the children Some of them were children who were sick Some of them are beating the death Some of them died in a car crash All very sad You get your decomps

You get your suicides You got your fucking What else was there? Am I missing anything? I mean I'm cutting brains open Because then sometimes people had the car crashes The train suicides A different classification

Train suicides or a whole other The MTA brings them, or we bring them, I guess, but the MTA would, you know, supply the bag. Because usually the bag was pretty, you know, thin plastic, like a white plastic. But the MTA, when you got a fucking train suicide, the MTA had these, like, heavy, I guess they were vinyl bags. Because, you know, you might have the body in six pieces, in six parts, you know? You literally, like, take the arm out. I think a train does damage. I think you imagine that.

um i guess the blood falls out of the scene because it's usually not i mean there's blood don't get me wrong there's blood but you think i mean when someone gets their arm cut off i mean it's that movie there's a holy grail movie we pump money python where like the guys just pumping blood out it's comedic but i imagine that would happen but in other movies just people getting their limbs cut off are they just not believe i don't know i'm not a guy who cuts arms off i guess the blood falls out before it gets to me but um point is

that's the morgue for you and so we we would you know we you show up on the Saturday afternoon it's 15 bodies and you're hungover your belly's full of whiskey and farts you know whiskey farts you just want to take a big shit and you're just and you're fucking fuming your co-worker because like you know it's not their fault per se but you know you're focusing your rage on them and you're just fingerprinting some fucking some dead kid I don't know why we fingerprinted to them I mean the thing was we had to fingerprint everybody that came in, but we never used our fingerprints. You know, because if there was a need for fingerprints to identify someone,

legally they would bring the cops in. The cops had their own ID squad. And they would do much more advanced fingerprints. Like we just did, we had these strips with, you know, one box for each finger. And, you know, you grabbed the other time. We got good at it. It was a skill to it. Don't get me wrong.

It was a quite, you know, it's tough manipulating a dead hand. It has to break the rigor. I mean, I might have talked about this before, but, you know, early, early on the podcast, but let's just, you know, a lot of new people. So what you would do is you have to break the rigor. You'd have to, because, you know, the body's in the rigor mortis, and you'd have to kind of, you know, stretch. I mean, rigor morris is basically a contraction of muscles, right?

So, you know, they tighten up. And the stronger someone is, the more rigor there is. You have to kind of pull on the arm. You kind of grab the shoulder and then pull, put it. Make sure like the person's laying down, you're pushing their arm so that their arm is going like kind of perpendicular to their like their shoulder span like like like yeah i mean they're kind of raising they're doing like a fucking dumbbell uh fly i guess you'd call it and you push and then like eventually you kind of do it for

a while you kind of mean careful eventually start feeling kind of crackle like a fucking piece of plastic and we start to unravel and uh you get it and you kind of take it would take some times some more than others you know but uh you know you have to you know break the rigor and then basically break in different spots too like you know the shoulder and then the elbow and then the wrist and then you would like bend at the elbow and then bend at the wrist and then he pushed down the top of the palm like you know as so like this you're watching a video as so and then like that would naturally kind of spread the fingers out

and then you would just you know have this little spoon that you would cup and you would fingerprint them it was nice it was a skill like every job if you want to get good at it has a skill um you could you know i know people who deliver bread for a living good friend of mine and you know some people do that job and like you know and they just kind of half ass it and just kind of well i'm just putting bread on there this guy must motherfucker i'm gonna help them sometimes motherfuckers grabbing two like two in each hand of the time and throwing them into the fucking like the uh the shelf in a way that is you know it doesn't seem like you know it's a fucking science but it is it's like you know like you can you can train yourself to be really good

at anything so like you know make you you want to be more efficient at this and you just throwing it it's a muscle memory to it and I'm sitting there trying to help them it's just like these things are like uneven and like I feel like a fucking slob whatever the point is so you know you get good at the fingerprints but they couldn't use them though you know they were useless with just boxes of them in the basement and then before I got there was boxes of just like you they go in an envelope it's all very like it was very organized it was like an envelope for the fingerprints and they go in the finger envelope with the fucking ID picture it was it was nice but like these there was a box there was there was an ongoing task that like you know like

eventually we'll get to this from like the 80s maybe I don't know of a box of just these fingerprint strips and like these need to be you know figured out who they belong to I'm like how the fuck would we ever even do that but it's just like I guess it's the thing in the county like we can't throw it out it's like I can't get in trouble for saying we're going to do something and not doing it in this way like a body yeah I mean you can't just leave a body in the whole way and go I said I was going to do it and I didn't we're going to do there's some repercussions but I mean like the this kind of thing about it is a box here like we're going to get to it that's part of our long term plan for our five year plan is to figure out based on what

I don't know whose fingerprint goes which case from fucking 25 years ago because it's these fucking slobs doing a job before me. I mean, the job wasn't that hard. And they couldn't even do that. But they leave every day and go to the beach, maybe. That's part of a lone island culture. You know, we'll just fucking bail out. The point is, so, I don't know.

There's a box. Still there, I'm sure. And no, I'll throw it out. You've got a lot of trouble. I mean, you probably wouldn't. Probably never got caught, but what's the point? Because if you did get caught, then it's the whole scandal, right? Then it's potentially, you know, destroying evidence.

which I guess it is I mean I wasn't advocating to throw it out I'm like that's the thing you sit there and go yeah all right I we'll get to it eventually how we you're like how we figure it out and the guy's like oh all right we'll get to this eventually we'll figure we'll down the road a piece and you just kind of know like it's just as a acknowledgement kind of social security or like fucking medic you know how we're going to fix the hell I mean eventually maybe I guess why I call it a third rail because it's just if you went over national debt i mean if you look the dollar you know the inflation on the dollar and like how do you unravel if you want let's just say you want to go back to a gold standard like how would you go back

to the dollar well we can't really i mean the amount of fucking back and forth inflation and like strut and everything's built like it's just too much it's just you have to just you have to just you have to let it fall apart and then build it back up and i don't know what that would look like more just let all the bodies ride at once maybe um but you show well i was talking about you know you show up and you're fucking you know you're drunk and you're dealing with decomposed body uh i don't know how we got on to this

oh the spices so you know it is weird that you know we conquered the world of these spices and you know we don't fucking use them you should put paprika on your fucking hot pocket put you know eat seasoning better but the point is the mayonnaise you can't wash off the mayonnaise from your that's the manas we're talking about just to kind of the ugh the fucking nothing and you could say that you know maybe you can make the argument that like you know people who have it better will be eh when they get to that point it will have it don't have as good as you they'll be uh when they get the job where they get

where they stop being should upon they get they get better opportunity but that's part of the gimmick part of the gimmick of america is to is the to be able to be uh just to kind of eat your mayonnaise and silence and just, you know, enjoy your sailboat or whatever, you know, not a nice boat, like a shitty sailboat, the kind of you see at camp. People love to have, I was a guy I knew, I mean, I was, whatever, we weren't friends or anything, but he came from upstate, and he had a kayak, and he occurred to me, oh, and he was like, oh, you go fishing in the kayak, it's like a little boat. I went kayaking in camp, but, like, you can just, it's been a Long Island.

Certain people just, like, I lived there my whole life, I didn't go to the beach, you know? I wasn't a beach. I mean, I went there as a kid, but I didn't really enjoy the water, and this guy comes from out of nowhere. He's got a kayak immediately, and he's just fishing off his kayak, and he's fucking, you know,

drinking beers in his kayak, getting his dick sucked in this kayak, whatever. I mean, it's a kayak fucking orgy fest. And, like, why didn't I think of this? I'm a slob. I just go home to my parents' house,

and I drink screwdrivers. That's what I would do when I first got the job. I moved out pretty quickly. We discussed recently how I got, you know, blow my dad's house up or whatever burned down but you know it was like a six-month window where I got the job I was making some you know comparatively good money compared to what I was making um steady paycheck and you know all that and uh but yeah

I wasn't paying rent yet and the idea you know I was I was saving a lot you know or whatever I was saving a decent more than I ever did my life before that but it was also just so I was kind of complacent it was in this zone of like I'm just gonna come home like you know for i get home a 430 because in the morgue we'd leave it we get there 8 to 4 4 30 i brought the ipad when i first got there uh so i'm just on my ipad drunk just drinking screwdrivers in the backyard it was you know it was a nice thing it's a thing that the first time i really enjoyed nature i think um fully i mean i went to camp and all that but the first really enjoyed nature was being in a very modest backyard just drinking screwdrivers

watching youtube videos on my iPad um it was it was it was kind of a serene time you know because it was coming from the you know the wedding photography business and the event photography business and all that where it's like you're constantly behind you constantly have all these like deadlines but the county you get to leave it all you know that's the thing about labor you get to leave it all at the fucking door that's that should be the deal you get to fucking you don't take your work home with you. We don't fucking worry about that I get done. No, it doesn't matter. Like, the doctor's in charge.

If the doctor says we can leave this fucking corpse rotting in the hallway, that's not my bit. You know, doctors that can go. You know, the doctor's got a gun. They're shooting into the body for some reason. I'm like, maybe they're in ballistics. I can leave. They said I could leave. It's nice not having to,

everyone thinks they want to be in charge, but it's nice to have the ability to just kind of defer your responsibility and go, no, look, the doctor is cutting the vagina out of a woman, which actually happened. I actually wasn't there for that, but like I came in, my office days were Tuesday and Wednesday, and I came in and they were like, and I was joking like, oh, I didn't miss anything because, like, it was kind of,

you might have missed something, but it's the kind of thing, whatever. At that point, we, you know, you're there for six months, you've seen a bunch of, maybe not everything, most of it. nothing see everything seems kind of the guy you miss anything and and yeah uh doctor whatever i'm not going to say the name um it was a woman i'll just say that which i don't know what matters but there was some woman who died like cervical cervical cancer maybe or vagina cancer and she just cut i never seen any like this before she just cut like around the entire vagina and just removed it and to keep it and we were i was just like

like why and like well i mean is like is that something they like put it in formaldehyde and like you know come back to it in six months maybe there's a lot of unanswered questions it was like watching the sopranos like we go oh is a rushing come back and i don't think he does right he doesn't come back and i also don't know what happened with the vagina did she uh is it like a j j abram show it's like is this payoff no uh there's a lot of things didn't pay off but then again sometimes a serial killer would come around and you'd find a foot that went with a body it's been there for 10, 15 years.

So certain things do pay off. It's all... It's just... It's like one of those shows in Britain. What's that show? They have EastEnders. It goes on forever. Or soap opera.

It's like a soap opera. Maybe it pays off. Maybe someone comes in and starts writing a fucking thing from, you know, six months ago. Six months ago. 60 years ago, whatever. They took a plot long. from like 20 years ago

and like let's just do something with this I should write soap operas because I would just fucking go watch old things and turn like I would just turn fucking old priests into like mafia guys that'd be fun

they'd actually make soap rob whatever this is a weird detour that I don't even I've never watched I've never watched their soap opera for more than five minutes but somehow I think I'm gonna make them cool by turning priests into mafia guys that's the fucking

and that's this podcast in a nutshell I guess because I mean also I'm calling a mafia guys turn a priest into a mafia guy that's the gimmick that's how we turn this general hospital or life to live we'll just turn priests into mafia guys what the fuck why am i not shot constantly just by like random children i don't understand um so the point is you got the you know you can't wash off this mayonnaise right and keep coming back to this you can't wash off the mayonnaise um it's

a day for labor is the point was the original point that was making it's a day to just enjoy yourself to relax to put away your burdens much the way I would when they come home from the morgue

and I would just drink screwdrivers everyone should have that luxury because we come from a situation historically where labor was it's easy to shit on socialism right which I'm not a socialist

you don't know that I mean, at heart, I might, at this point, adopt certain socialist ideas because, like, we've allowed this to become insane. And so why not just give people health care and just, maybe give people some income? It's not real anymore. We, we let go too far. But it doesn't mean I'm not a free market guy at heart, to an extent at least. I mean, I have ideas. If the revolution happens, and it's done by people who are actually interested in ideas, which I don't think that's likely.

But if it does, I have some ideas of how to rebuild capitalism in a way, you know, we can learn from our mistakes. I know it's a crazy idea that when you realize that a system has gotten a little out of control, I know it's a crazy idea to go, hey, how can we learn from this? How can we modify this? How can we make sure that, you know, these horrible things don't happen again? But not, but the prevailing wisdom seems to be, you know, which I get, just blow it all up and do the opposite thing, which is fair enough um but i do have ideas if anyone you know wants to see see me on the on the revolution on the you know the the fucking you know either i mean i don't know i don't want to

pick either side because you know one side's why get why is there a side in america i don't know you need to be antifa or you know white nationalist is like i don't that neither one sounds great i mean you know neither one sounds like what i want to do i feel like we should you know We could fix this, but there's just layers of things on top of this. I'm not going to get it. The point is a day of relaxing is the point, all right? It's a day we don't have to think about how do you stop these cops from shooting people, or how do you stop these people from asking for, you know, the government to pay for your, you know, fucking dildo, whatever.

I mean, that seems like a, that seems like a strange contrast. I'm not trying to make an equivalency here You know We all know it is fucking Problems The point is you can have a hot dog today You can have a nice fucking You can relax with a fucking drink

Go to the beach We're going to the beach All right, we're going to enjoy a nice beach I haven't gone to the beach regularly I used to go to the kid I used to be a boogie board kid And it wasn't good I would basically go

I remember a pink boogie board I didn't pick it out It was the kind of thing where it was cheaper Probably because it was pink And yeah whatever it was neon pink I guess I'm not saying you know Where that right didn't turn out It doesn't matter

I mean like the idea I think it matters less to people now But as a kid I remember being Kind of insecure about it being pink Um It doesn't need to be blue But like I don't know Why does it matter

Why is pink feminine? Who made pink feminine? I like salmon I mean more salmon's more orange but whatever. Is salmon pink or orange? Someone will get it up. I always think of salmon

is really more of an orange color. I guess it's pink sometimes. Pink salmon's kind of gross, right? You want orange salmon? When does this pink salmon? When we start calling salmon pink, that shouldn't be the focus. Point is, I would boogie board

and it wasn't good, and it would be like a chubby kid on a buggy board, just kind of letting the waves carry me in at Gilgo Beach, actually, where the serial killer struck. years later, I used to boogie board at that beach. And then later on, I'm, you know, dealing with it, right?

I don't know if I'm legally allowed to talk about cases I was involved in specifically. So I won't. Let's just say boogie board and not the only thing they dealt with at the Gilgo Beach. Is that broadcast really enough? Boogie boards weren't the only thing getting killed, you know. Some fat kid on the boogie board wasn't the only hooker getting murdered. You know what I mean? That's subtle enough.

That's tough. I'll tell you, that fat kid on a boogieboard sure wasn't a skeleton found in a burlap sack. Tell you that much. Because he was chubby. These, these are, these are, I should be Johnny Carson, apparently. Obviously, I've never watched Johnny Carson.

What was I talking about? We're getting off on a crazy rant here. The point is, I would boogieboard the beach. And I got burned so bad one time. uh can have fair skin and i guess if i went out all the time in the sun i might develop some a base tan but i don't and i still feel like i would still burn i burn i burn so bad i got bubbles on my back like literally blistered bubbles like a big one an alligator and an alligator skin you know just real like i guess it was some poisoning um so i avoided going to the beach a lot

in subsequent years um i did go recently to the hamptons we're very exclusive i guess beach where a lot of rich people go and frolic in their in their in their bikinis and their and their and their tankinis and they're fucking you know whatever and uh it was fine the the ocean's nice i would get my ass kicked by the ocean i don't usually swim in the ocean so it's like you know the waves uh i don't see I don't get the whole beach thing personally I don't I like the, you go on the war If you live at the beach

It must be fantastic Because you go out You're fucking, you get into the water For 20 minutes And then you come back out But to make a day of it To make a day Like I'm dreading this a little bit

I'm making a day of going to the beach It just I mean, I get We don't bring this setup See I always I always like to think That's better to come To bring yourself You know, go light

You know, pack light Don't fucking bring them out But the people who really figure it out Bring the boom box And they have the grill grill for the hot dogs They're making hot dogs And they're fucking They're fat kids playing boogie board

They got fucking mayonnaise salads In a cooler And they're fucking just You know, enjoying themselves, hold on What is this? Why is this not? No battle They fucking get the cooler

going on is it's not charging some of a bitch um and you know they're playing with salads they're playing with fucking they got fucking

enjoyable they got the fucking frisbee I'm a little distracted at the moment see we're figuring out this is the thing I got these fucking cell phone camera

and you fucking know and I had that one episode where they cut stuff out of the middle because the fucking camera stops in the middle of the fucking episode. I got to get a dedicated camera. I got to get a fucking camera that's made for doing this. Whatever. You know, like, if you were listening out there and you're like, oh, why are you

sacrificing quality of the audio? You're just saying dumb shit. And, you know, about cameras, I'm here for, because I'm a video guy, too, with a YouTube age. Don't give me shit, all right? People want to see me while I'm describing bookie boards. And that's just what you got to deal with. This is not up for discussion. You two people, you have to get along with them Okay, so you're at the beach And you're fucking enjoying a nice hot dog, I guess That's the gimmick, like you need to make a day of it

But they just go and lay there, I don't get that I don't like it I get sand to my feet You're looking at women And you kind of feel creepy Like, you're catching all peaks of, you know, hot bodies They just feel like a gawker I'll just go look at porn

don't need to go see it is better alive i guess but like i don't want to fucking be staring people's asses that's not fun you got to be like you know you have to be the guy you just be constantly worried how you enjoy looking at an ass me constantly worried they're going to like turn around and be like sex pervert sex pervert and i have to be like is there a defense am i not a sex pervert i mean you have your ass you have your ass your underwear or whatever your bathing suit wedged into your tight ass it's made to look at but it's still would feel like a sex pervert. So, like, I, you know, I'd have to defend myself and go,

you don't be, and then you sound like a fucking guy telling a woman that's dressed like a whore, which I'm not. But I'm saying, like, there's no winning in that situation. So you kind of, you fucking grab peaks through your sunglasses, but it's not enjoyable. It's not relaxing. You know, so what's the, if you look at the girls and you have the hot pods and your fucking boogie board, your hot dogs, it just doesn't seem like mine. Maybe it's just why I can't ever be happy.

uh in the traditional way maybe i'm just not a guy who's just comfortable i'm comfortable my own skin but not my in not in environments like i'll be me i'll tell you that i suck the dick i didn't like it i don't give a shit i don't care but like i'm not i don't want to go to a fucking dance club i don't like it i don't like going to beaches i don't like going to fucking um apple bee i mean applebee's like you know it's gross uh i do like certain i mean i like a nice Mexican restaurant when I get chili Riaños. I don't like coffee shops. I don't like going to a coffee shop.

I go with Lucy, not at the moment. That's the, I'm like a silver lining of the pandemic because it feels mean because she loves the coffee shops. And they go, yeah, I win because you can't, you're stuck in here with me. You can't go fucking strange coffee shop and eat an almond croissant while you fucking whatever. People love these things in Brooklyn. It's just a bunch of slabs I don't like and all just cramble.

and all just crammed together in a fucking bench and I'm just drinking a cold brew while I'm fucking, you know, working on my beats. It doesn't seem nice. You know, whatever. The point is I'm an unhappy person, I guess. But, you know, I like watching the Umbrella Academy,

apparently because that was actually a good show on Dorst Dad. That was nice. It was a nice two days where I binged the Umbrella Academy. I thought it looked dumb. I thought it was one of those things that looked good, but it was probably dumb. It actually turned to be really good, at least in my estimation.

I liked that a lot. uh i'm not standing here i'm not endorsing anything here i'm saying but like that's i'm a weird creep who burrows in i'll get into that for two days you watch it real quick so you don't you don't want to linger you don't want to like think about what you're watching just like i got the beats for like fucking a few months i made some songs i'll get back into it this year maybe next year you i find my patterns of things so my guy i can't commit to being a boat guy i'll get i'll fucking go on and i'll fucking water for like you know a week and i'll get sick of it and I have a fucking what 30 30 thousand dollar boat enough i i can't see i don't understand

people who like know they're gonna buy a fucking vacation house like every year they're gonna go there like i might not want to fucking play croquet next year i'm really into croquet right now and i'm fucking wearing these white shorts and i'm hoping i don't like fucking shart into them whatever but i'm doing it i got really into tennis i watched like wimbledon like the entire tournament almost i had like fucking and the xbox 360 set up with the espn app one year for wimbledon the big english tennis tournament the british tennis tournament classic you know strawberries and cream the whole the whole deal and you could actually watch i believe three of the ones two at least two at once you could they have a cool feature on this app where you could so i'm watching two or

three tennis things at once i think i want my iPad two in the tv i just couldn't get enough of tennis i haven't watched tennis since then i don't know what i'm like That's who I have. And some people say, well, that's the sign of a genius. I haven't done anything with it, though. I mean, maybe certain geniuses can harness that into, like, you know, like stupid Elon Musk with his fucking pedophile submarine. Like, you know, I got really into building a pedophile to abduct children for two weeks,

and I built it. And now I'm building batteries for fucking, you know, a goddamn mayonnaise cooler for the beach. And next week, it'll be the cars again. and like he makes money um but yeah i'm too good of person like i'm not scammer i mean i might scam a little no i don't i don't like scam i i i hate i hate the idea of being seen as the car salesman i don't know why but like the idea of someone knows i'm full of shit but that's part of sales is that knowing you sound full of shit and doing it anyway and it works a certain percentage of the time you look at these scripts you go have to just possibly work it does

people make money and so I need to be able to do that with my fucking you know my weird scams of like you know I'm a beat guy I'm a DJ now I'm a or I'm a fucking uh croquet you know magnet I'm a croquet fucking entrepreneur we used to have croquet as a kid we set up in our shitty backyard not the shit of my parents but anyway it was a very modest backyard uh pretty small you know smallish it was you know it was bigger than like if you live in the city it's in the city backyard typically but you know it was whatever it wasn't big at all and we play croquet in it very uneven backyard whatever it's fun that's the thing people act like you're some fancy fucking thing i mean polo's the thing you can't do if you don't have money right you can't ride a

horse if you don't have money but you can put a stupid croquet mallet what they call in the wicks they call it the things you fucking shoot through it's a dumb game fuck croquet fuck croquet fuck badminton fuck um fuck polo all right give the horse a gun I mean what the horse should be able to shoot or the jock the fucking Kentucky Derby was yesterday why don't you give the

jockey a gun why don't you let the jockey shoot each other and I'm not like giving them armor I'm not saying they're expendable I'm not trying to make the case it's not a blood sport because jockeys who happen to be short people are somehow expendable but give them guns

because they're not the ones they don't get the credit right give them spikes give them fucking hammers because they don't get enough credit the jacket gets no credit it's always the horse one and i don't know enough about it to know if it's a right or not i don't know if they deserve any credit but i feel like you're riding the horse you deserve something right so let let them actually dictate who wins more by giving them weapons letting them throw like make it like mario cart where you're throwing banana peals or like you know truncheons or spikes onto the dirt in front of the other horses or you get really like you know you get one

like per fucking thing i use it properly it's a strategy to it or give him a gun limb shoot the other jacking the head and then jump onto that horse how amazing would that be if you're fucking watching the kundkee derby or the fucking belmont whatever steak the belmont stakes the preekness and you're just like these two fucking horses are fucking you know riding fucking you know arm to arm or ever horses do hoof to hoof and they're all just fucking this is insane this is a fucking nail bider of a race and all of a sudden the jockey pulls out a fucking 38 special and just puts it and he literally gets it into the mouth of the other jockey and he goes say say hello the grim reaper motherfucker and just pulls the trigger and his brains blow out and he jumps onto the horse

what's more exciting to us i mean what is more like do less war so we can do that look there's going to be a certain man of misery i don't give me the hypocrisy oh the roman empire were so evil they fucking put tigers in the cage we put people into fucking butt pyramids in Abu grave put you know tortured them fucking made Muslim people eat rotted pork doing that we're doing that in the fucking in the in these camps he's fucking you know what you call them immigration prisons whatever the fuck you tell me we can't you know like the tiger eating the guy is that much whatever I mean so the jockey thing we can make it work just get the balance sheet out and just do a few

less wars feed a little less rotten pork to some Muslim people people and then we can justify having a jockey just fucking pulling his gun out and just and jumping on a horse this is a great this will make us america again we need this we have the wrong kind of violence we're just blowing up countries in our we used to at least pretend that we weren't doing it right like world war two i mean that might be the most legitimate one but even that one seems pretty sketchy but like all the other one we're one we got into it you know just so we could divide up europe after the fact and but we get credit for is my point because we like played the game a little bit even vietnam there was some

pretense iraq was so fucking you know just out there and like no one feels good about it at all we need violence that makes us feel good jockeys fucking shooting each other give them a sword you know give fucking give um baseball guys the guns give them fucking i mean everybody have bats let them hit each other with the bats why not just have a like it'd be cool the first of the other than they look cooler everyone has a bat on their back even when you're in the outfield your bat like it's like one of those fucking cool

sword things like which i never seem to be you watch his YouTube videos about you know actual sword stuff and it's not you know these aren't practical here's how game of thrones doesn't never work okay but whatever you know you watch dragon ball z like a trunks has the sword that goes in his

fucking back and you know Deadpool has him he has the swords in his back so put the bat in the back It would look cool Give my own fucking weird sash No reason Maybe put a grenade on it But let them hit each other with bats

Like it is a guy It makes certain rules Where if a guy gets a pop-up fly You can fucking smash it And you have to The third basement only Can run across Um

Maybe not pop-up fly With everything The guy's running towards first It's a third basement You can get to the first base And smash the first The runner's face With a fucking bat

And break his fucking job open that's legal the second basement can't do it shortstop can't do it with first basement definitely can't do it the third baseman oh is that too easy maybe maybe a left field i don't know i'm not a baseball guy will only to get you know bob costis uh or uker bob yuker the guy who's in the major league announcer right who was also in fucking mr belvedere he seems he seems like he knows baseball get these guys they can they can kind of you know figure that some bolts out but i'm the big picture guy much like i'm going to rebuild capitalism this is me rebuilding baseball let him hit

third basement only because baseball likes esoteric rules baseball i don't enough to know that they like the idea that like you know there's some weird arcane rule about what happens when a fly ball goes into the sun a certain angle and then it goes foul but like this and the pitchers here they love that shit so make it weird make it like you know every probably you know every fractional You know, make it fractals. Every fucking weird exponent, you do match shit on the innings. Every 72nd inning,

which is, you know, multiple games, I guess, right? It would be like, so you have to figure it out. And my people have to keep, being a coach, you actually be part of the coach. You have to keep track of, it spans many games. You have to battle, you're competing against Cincinnati,

and they're in a 42nd inning, right? Of their reset. You have a 72 inning reset. Stick with me. Stick with me. There's a 72 inning period. We call it a cycle. We call it a bat cycle.

You're fucking... You play in Cincinnati one day, and they're 42 in their bat cycle. Then you play Detroit, and they're fucking 71 in their bat cycle. When they get 72, they get a gun for one inning. They get a gun.

They can give it to whoever they want. They usually give it to the catcher so he can shoot the fucking runner in the head. on the way in, right in the skull. The gun's only got two bullets. Maybe it'll start making a gun that just has two bullets in it because there'll probably be some travesty where, like, it's got four bullets in it,

and the guy shoots three bullets into the head of the fucking, and two bullets into the head of the fucking runner, and then it goes off again and shoots the shortstop who's like behind him. And that never should have happened. There should only be two bullets in that gun. and two went into the guy why did the shortstop get killed this is a fucking travesty it's not really the fault of like it was just an accident but it never should have happened

if you only had two bullets in the gun so let's start making two bullet guns is my point but whatever so the 72nd you know on your bat cycle you get the fucking gun and so a coach will have to keep track of that he'll be like you'll fucking there'll be some double header or they'll be fucking you'll be playing double header in Cincinnati next day he's fucking playing Detroit and he'll fuck it up and he'll because there'll be strategy I guess there'll have to be some kind of you could

maybe you could only shoot the guy in the head if he's going more than two bases at that time so you get a home run that's great and everyone's fucking pissing and hugging kissing each other in the mouth we got a home run where the kings

of baseball right that's typically what happens you're the king of baseball no one can stop you you strut you jog around the bases like you're the fucking like you, like, Maryland, like, Maryland Road just got killed by the Kennedy brothers, and it doesn't matter. You drove to Maggio. You can't be stopped.

But, but on the Vat cycle, you can get shot in the head, right? You can only go to two base. You can't get shot on in on the first base. You know, we've modified this. Can't get shot on the first base. You can get shot on the second base, but you can get shot on on the third base. So, you know, but usually you give it to the catcher is the point. So, you know, the third baseman could have shot you.

but he didn't because he didn't have the gun because the catch is going to have the gun so if you fuck up as a coach you gotta tell him hey hey Joe DiMaggio I know you're the king of the world right now you just fucking you don't care that maryland row was just tortured by these Irish presidents and his brother

just fucking pissed on fed pills until she fucking bled a fucking gang bang spit roasted and left for dead and then she died you don't care because he just got home run you're a king shit but don't forget to not pass second base

but you don't do that because you're a fucking bad coach you forgot you can keep the math in your head you didn't fucking you know you didn't keep track and then and then so jumping Joe DiMaggio was Jolton Joe whatever it's gunshot in the face Joe that's what it is he's fucking displayed out

how exciting would that be and it's avoidable I mean should the coach face criminal charges not as long as there's a two gun two bullet guns two bullet gun all right if you know

in the situation where a third bullet let's say he shot Joe DiMaggio twice in the face and then Mickey Mantle which they were they around the time

he was on the same team why would he be on the field the same thing is a runner situation so whoever I mean fucking Babe Ruth

I don't care get shot after Joe DiMaggio took two to the fucking skull then it's criminal charges with somebody because they fucked up because they fired three bullets

there's only two two bullet gun it's very important um so otherwise no as long as long as you shot joe damaggio with two bullets in the head after you pass you know more than two bases you're on your on your on your bat cycle on your 70 second inning got to keep track of that it's very it's a rotating thing everyone's on a different and the bat cycle start maybe different intervals no they like start you know but they people play different games different endings we got to find some way to make get more variable.

Maybe you start, maybe everyone starts a different bat cycle or different position in the bat cycle. Because we want a lot of shootings. We don't want, I mean, not too many.

Maybe everyone starts. We have to figure out of way for it to happen sometimes, but not all the time. We don't want everyone getting shot in the face. Is it legal to have a Kevlar shield?

Maybe you can earn that. You can earn a Kevlar shield by getting a certain average. a certain, you know, RBI, a certain, what they call it, a ERA. There's another one. The fucking, the Sabre metric, I'm not a Saber Metrics guy. You watch it, I'm a movie Moneyball. There's all these different, these stats and some of them are bullshit, some of them are, I don't know.

But the point, it'll be a stat for a amount of times you got shot in the face probably. Any amount of times, and it'll be something. There'll be some kind of average that adds up to you get a little Kevlar shield. But it only covers, like, your wrist. and like me like a two inches on either side it's not big it's like it's kind of like the shield the captain america had in the infinity war if you watch those movies where they give me you know fucking beautiful chadwick bozeman rip says get this man a shield right and he comes back like i'm used to a much bigger shield shut up take this shield it's smaller it's fine he's got

much smaller shield something like that but even a little smaller that but like you know That's my point. I don't want some big fucking circle that you can just kind of easily dodge bullets. You have to be, it's got to be skill. It's like there's a lot of skill hitting a fucking, you know, a major league pitch. You know, you might be good at batting, but, you know, a major league pitch is very, you know, it's the only thing. It's one of the hardest things, it's one of the hardest things to do in sports. It's actually hit a pitch in the, you know, get a hit in the major leagues because the pitching is so elite.

So by, you know, in the same vein. to block a bullet. You know, if you're Joe DiMaggio, to block that bullet, it was a very small shield. Because you might shoot for the, you know, you don't have to shoot the fucking skull.

That's just the most satisfying anything to do as a catcher. You might shoot them in the neck. You might shoot them in the dick. I mean, that would probably be the best thing to do is shoot once in the dick once in the fucking head. And if you want to go for it,

I mean, look, it's conceivable that someone could block both. I don't know if it's possible. But, I mean, you probably want to just block your face and you take the dick shot. I mean, it was not in every, game but it's also goes this is not one of those things that stops in the postseason so if it's world series

it's still going on it was the world series maybe you take a shot in the dick you go look don't go fucking past second base hey coach i got my i got my fucking average in a position where i got this cavalier shield they can still shoot you in the dick joe i'm like hey i'll take the dick shot i'll take the shot in the dick all right i'm a noble american i'll accept it i'll accept my fucking face and then he fucking, you know, then he's running and he gets shot in the dick and he's bleeding, he's bleeding, piss and cum.

I mean, the cum is in his balls, I guess, right? And blood is pisses in his bladder. His blood is piss and his cum. It's all coming out, and he just fucking slides into the fucking home because he deflects the bullet with his little fucking shield from his face. But the catcher was smart, and he got him in the dick first. He was his savvy catcher.

He was one of those, like, famous catcher. who know i we shoot the dick first because you know you if they're gonna fucking score on you you're gonna have the kevlar shield you're gonna pull that kevlar shield but i remember this league when we didn't have kevlar shields when you when you had when you had to take a shot to the face like a man so these fucking pricks won't have the kevlar shields i'll show them i'll shoot him in the dick first he's a veteran so the point is uh but jo de mageo doesn't care he's like and takes his blood and piss and come everywhere he's just slides in the hole and he's the fucking man And he's the fucking, Merrill Monroe is dead, but he doesn't care.

For one moment, he forgets the fact that the president of the United States and the attorney general spit roasted his beautiful wife. And he'll have plenty of, and he killed her with pills. And he'll have plenty of time to fucking, you know, put flowers on her grave every day until she dies. But for now, he's the fucking blood and pissing come man who fucking won the World Series. You love baseball again, is the point. And so, you know, I should be listened to. You know, give me a fucking, let me rebuild capitalism for you.

I'll figure it all out. All right. So this is, I mean, I'm about to go to the beach. I might not enjoy it. I might enjoy it. I'll enjoy getting some salt water on my skin, and it'll be nice. It'll be playful. We'll talk about it more on the Patreon.

And perhaps, you know, on the next week's show, whatever. You know, it'll be talked about what happened to me at the beach. Who did what to me at the beach? Who accused me of being a second. pervert at the beach hopefully no one because i'm gonna keep my eyes just focused and not try to stare you know people's asses because that's just you know it's not enjoyable it's just not worth the fucking hassle of like you know just just just just just eat a hot dog i wish we had we should go get some hot dogs anyway it's been great thanks so much for listening remember you can sign up for

the patreon uh it's patreon.com so that's ray com you can follow the link in my uh twitter or instagram and the bio, it's in the YouTube header, whatever. You get an extra episode every fucking week on Thursdays. It's nice, it's great. We're all fucking, you know, we have more idea. I'll share more ideas about sports.

I can fix them. You follow me on Twitter, Instagram, at Ray Kump. I'll either see you Thursday or I'll see you next week. Have a great day. Happy Labor Day. Thank you.