Kump - 51 - Kump For Sale

Episode Date: October 11, 2020

Ray discusses assembling a shelf, the Bill Burr controversy, Jeff Bezos shoehorning nudity, and much more. Sign up at patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week.

Hello and welcome to Kump. It's a beautiful Sunday. I have built a shelf early in the morning. not out of wood uh it's one of those amazon deals um not in love with it but you know we just need to get some cables off the floor is this worth telling i mean they had these clamps on the fucking i opened this goddamn thing i've been putting together shitty prefab or they recall it shells for years i remember my parents being very impressed because like my i was like in high school i guess my dad bought like a bookcase for me like it's cheap it wasn't cheap whatever i mean i'm not trying

to call my dad cheap i'm just saying it wasn't made of oak and honey um now but that's the bible the land of oats and honey i'm talking about oak and honey i'm talking about oak or cherry or hardwood hardwood's where it's at my dad bought me hardwood i might be able to you know get hard uh occasionally that low-hanging fruit doesn't matter um i blame my dad for everything you want me to say that you want i'm fine with the prefab bookcases i'm just saying they it was sitting around for a while because you know i got i got you know build it and you know it just procrastinates by playing with my old trains or whatever instead building me a bookcase so i just decided to do it myself much like the time when my mom wanted to show me how to make eggs we talk about this and i ended up

uh through a conflict telling my dad that was going to you know burn the house down and you know you'll be dead you know you'll be jail you'll be dead you remember the story if not go back a few weeks it was great um so i you know they weren't around to tell me not to so i just fucking uh took out the tools a screwdriver and uh you know i just put the thing together it's it's it's made for morons it wasn't a moron so it was you know it was ahead of the game um they were very impressed we're so proud of you and it's like they had very low opinion of me they thought i was going to end up shooting myself in the midst of a robbery like i would go try to rob um a subway person you know those people i mean you might not be from new york city but the people who sit in the boots at

the subway not sure what they do they can be helpful so they don't they hate the cash usually get the metro card from the machine but if you got to pay cash you pay those people and they take your fucking money and they tell you to go shit on on you know in a subway car don't shit here i work here all day if you got a shit you do it on the subway itself not in the station and you say i don't know why you're telling me this every time but fine i'll shit and piss and find my true love on a subway car instead of it you know i'm sorry interrupted you while you're reading your romance novel and you're eating cheetos you know these big fat women and whatever, I don't know, these white, fat women.

Who am I, Bill Burke going on after white women? Oh, we'll get to that in a minute. But, you know, the point is, you know, so you have to pay these people. They're sitting there in the boots, and what are we talking about? Shit and piss and common blood. I don't remember.

Building a shelf. Oh, I would rob these people, is my point. I would put a gun to them, and will they have, like, $100, a couple of dollars, you can't even get in there and you're shooting through the fuck i'm shooting and the glass doesn't break i wouldn't think it'd be bulletproof glass but i guess someone else tried to rob it so i just shoot myself or i jump in front of the train i'd be if the train's coming you jump in front of the i just shoot myself and that's what my parents would think of you know that that's where i end up in

their eyes and they go oh he built a prefab assembled a prefab bookcase maybe he'll be all right and they were half right half wrong um that was my peak and it's fine um i'm fine with my choices but you know whatever this thing was you know it had these clips this what i'm building today these clips that i'm not a fan of and uh you know you you i don't know you put the clips together on the fucking rod and the shelf goes on top of it it was hard to tell which where the clips go um it was smaller than i thought it would be um you know it's not my finest hour just not um that my worst hour let's turn my headphone i need to be my head to be filled with my own voice to tune out the horror in order to do this podcast so i just cranked up my

headphone amp yeah i have a headphone amp i think it's built into this thing you call it's got volume control for the headphones. I'm not some schmuck recording it on a fucking talk boy from like Home Alone too. Remember Home Alone? I had a talk boy. Anyone else I have the talk boy from Home Alone too? It was great. It was just a regular tape recorder that had like a fast forward

and reverse. But he's using it in the movie to do pranks. I guess they marketed to get, I mean, marketing to get it, whatever. That makes noise. It's a fun movie. I mean, Donald Trump was in it famously. he sees Macaulay Culkin come

you know the plaza hotel he's like hold on are you someone nice of shit fuck and then McCauley Culkin just walks away and he grabs a teenager's tit and then you know spills gold all over his fucking dick I don't remember the details I'm assuming that's what happened I know he was in the movie fucking you know just

talking to his own asshole fucking playing golf whatever he's the president you don't need me to fucking you know I'm not his fucking secretary all right he's guys he's got a team of secretaries in the White House keep a track of where he goes

I don't need to be like fucking reciting verbatim it's not good fellows it's not fucking casino all right it's not a raging bull I basically say it's not a Scrocy movie do I quote anything else Glenn Gary which isn't a script it's not Glenn Garry Glenn Ross it's home alone

too I'm sorry you know Pacino wasn't going off on Kevin Spacey in the middle of home alone too maybe i remember some of it like you like vachino was just playing pesci i mean pesci's in the fucking movie why don't they have him i mean he's talking about like grinding his bones up and killing him it's fun but he should just been like he should put a little gun out and put it mcclory colkin's fucking mouth and goes this is what we do to snitches and prankers and guys you fucking make me

spill on marbles this is and like he's just giving his monologue about like you know when i was a child I never pranked anyone I never I let people rob me and you fucking broke the covenant of our Lord Jesus Christ and now you're gonna get in your knees and suck this gun's dick

um you know that's something like that um he was still gonna I'm not making the case that McCauley Calkin gets killed I'm just saying put some fear he goes you thought you're so smart

and home alone he was literally saying this line you thought you were so smart and home alone one but I fucking I was in prison And I wasn't getting You know

There's a myth that everyone Just gets raped all the time I mean I wouldn't I admit if it did The other guy got raped once I didn't get raped It's fun It's something to do

The scaerpy I don't know But the point is I fucking What I did do Was learn a lot about Uh Hand to hand

Combat from my Israeli cellmate Who told me Krav Maga And he just does The Krav Maga move And breaks Kevin's arm off Like it falls off

He's bleeding He'll get waiting yet, but you need to you know, stakes need to happen in the movie. Stakes are important to dramatic tension, to the fucking whole the feeling of

a, of, you know, loss and regret. I got to plug this in, hold on. Shut up. There we go. Now we're cooking with fire. Is it a cooking with fire? A good little grease.

it's whatever it is I'm moving the camera around it's like a Scorsese film hopefully that's actually charging I don't even know we'll finish before his battery runs out we'll fucking see all right

uh la di da you just plugged in you're getting a raw dirty deal on this episode of com it's just fucking tech stuff I'm just plugging my fucking phone and I use the record into the thing

I'm not seeing the icon I don't know So Kevin McAllister Is saying his novenos He's fucking praying to the Lord Jesus Christ He's saying you know Give me Give me my soul back

I don't grant you divinity For forever and ever I'll adaminios And then You know they shoot him in the head He gets shot in the head Is the point You think like oh he's saying his prayers

Maybe a paint can's gonna Fallen Petchie's head. No, he survives a shot in the brain. And he'll have a slur later in the movie. He'll come back. He'll have a slur. He'll have a stroke victim maybe. I don't know.

He'll have one eye. It doesn't like it just stays closed and opens up occasionally. He's blinding that eye, but only because of like the nerve endings and the brain. The eye's fine. If someday you could put together nanom surgery or whatever and, you know, we wire his brain maybe to work again. But the point is Kevin McAllister. Shot in the brain by Joe Pesci, even though he says no venas, and he's fucking just Rewing the day he tried to, like, you know, spill marbles on this guy's feet.

But then he learns. He learns, like, like, on Batman returns or not, the one with Bain, when he goes into the Lazarus Pit prison, and he's just, and like, he's getting trained by, he plays himself, McCauley Calkin from the Good Son, the sociopath, he's his twin, he's his lost Locke's twin. If you ever seen The Good Son, it's basically him and Elijah Wood, and McClelly Culkin is just like a murderous sociopath. And, you know, he was a little kid.

It's great. I mean, I haven't seen it in 20 years, but whatever. It might not be great. We should watch it. It's a spooky movie. It's a Halloween movie. We need to, you know, address that the minute, too. It's spooky movies.

It's on the agenda. So McCauley Culkin learns from the Good Son to, like, you know, just shoot guns and do, you know, crowd my god Blue Jiu Jitsu Brazilian Jiu Jitsu that's what B Jiu Jitsu Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

and he beheads Daniel Stern and he fucking you know falls in love with um I don't know Amanda Bines someone age appropriate and then

you know kills Joe Pesci and then you know he's the king of New York just roaming around the city and then Donald Trump he becomes his like He basically takes the Jared Kushner role In the Trump Empire It gets really Kushner Because he's a killer

So I had to talk boys The point I guess I was I'm not As a kid But that's not what I'm using now I can plug into an actual thing With headphone amps And it's got compressors

And preamps And all sorts of shit Making my voice Uh giving Doing it justice Um Yeah So Bill Burr is the big news today.

Everyone's very upset about his tirades against the Pope on SNL about how he said the Pope should be, you know, what's the word discombobulated or excommunicated, talked about child abuse, whatever he did. Maybe he didn't say that. I don't remember. I watched some of it. It's fine. I mean, I don't know what you want me to do. I'm supposed to all of a sudden now start, like, defending the honor of Bill Burr.

I mean, he's a funny guy. I like his work. I mean, is it, am I getting paid here? Am I part of, is this some kind of communal pot where I got to go do PR on Twitter for Mr. Bill Burr? Star of the, the Breaking Boys, or the Breaking Bad? Where they're Breaking Bad? Should have been called Breaking Boys. Just with the break, we're the Breaking Boys, gang.

We make meth. break we'll break your boys and we'll break your face if you don't buy our meth it's blue mat it's great just buy it uh it gets you high you you'll notice it you'll notice it gets you higher so why not buy our meth and that's just the commercial that airs on public access we're breaking boys met not in that bullshit Heisenberg nonsense no one cares you got gotten shot in the face in the first episode by tucco whoever i love this idea like well you fucking Oh, we're going to kill this guy who's the only other guy who knows how to make my meth The other guy Jesse's on the way to kill him so you can't kill me

I think we're a torture this guy like in a heartbeat just start fucking cutting into his leg Just fucking song it off grab his kid his handicapped kid and his wife just sawing their limbs off No, you're still not gonna tell us you're hard your hard chemistry teacher He does I mean it's whimsical and stupid uh it's a well-made show sure it's kind of dumb all right like I like I like stopped acting like it's the best show ever made it's a little dumb this guy would have been murdered in the first goddamn episode this fucking stupid white idiot just roaming around his underwear but he's gotten fucking raped by a scorpion just tucco was just fucking

fucked his throat until he fucking dick came at the back of his head I'm so sick of breaking bad you know the breaking boys you know dominating everything whatever Bill Burr was on he was on for you know a season or two I think he worked for one of the chicken man He worked for the chicken man I don't remember He worked for the lawyer Of Dave Cross

Right And fucking He fucking I don't know They're sitting around They're going like you know Well I'm not I'm not going to recount breaking bad to you

It's fine The point is he's great I guess I'm not going to defend the guy On blast Like you know Hey you better laugh at this You know he fucking

shit a love of women and he said do you say queer? I don't remember do you call people big gays and tell them not to be gay anymore he claimed he didn't know what pride month was I don't it seems a little weird to know what I'm whatever I don't give a shit it was funny enough it was the best thing ever no

it wasn't as funny as louis you know I think about you know the pedophiles and the in the mountains bar that was good I like bill burr I'm not like shit I have no people are showing to me going like this is amazing it's fine I don't care, all right?

I just don't, I don't, I'm not, I need to get paid. I need Bill Burr to send me at least a box of chocolates, maybe a prop from the movie that he was in with wonderful, um, Jason Stamos, no, who's the kid from S&L? Uh, the one whose dad died nine, uh, the king of Staten Island movie. What was this kid's name? Justin, Justin Long?

What, who is this guy? No, something. Robinson, David Robinson? Where's this fucking name? I'm not even joking anymore. This is not a fucking joke. King of Staten Island. Who's in this dumb movie that Appetown?

I was just coming all over his own fucking film print. Pete Davidson. That's his name. He's a great man. In love with Miley Cyrus or whoever. Davy Lavado. Who would he fuck? Are you on the Grande, right?

That was it. Is that faux pot to confuse those people? I don't care. You know, if he's going to send me a fucking, you know, a box of cigars, if he's going to send me a fucking, you know, a crossbow and a dozen roses. And then maybe I'll start defending him on Twitter. Don't call. I mean, look, you do an offensive act, which was a little edgy.

It's fine. It's edgy. And people are, do not have a bill. It's like, look, people are mad. It's the whole point of this. It's why you're a provocateur. How cool is it going to be? If everyone's just like, if Obama's just fucking standing there,

like saying, you're the king. You're the king. He's fucking sitting next to lawn Michaels. They're both just washing his feet like Christ on New Year's Eve. Just fucking washing his feet. Just scrubbing the toes going, you're the king of New York now. It was Kevin McAllister and now it's you.

But you're exonerated from all your past crimes because you fucking said women, white women suck and they fucking, and they accused black men of rape, great for you. I mean, look, it was funny, but, you know, it's also like, I don't, I mean, the level of outrage on both sides is like, you know, we're all going to be dead in a few months. Like, it's enough.

Just fucking let him be the piss Christ guy. Let Bill Burr have piss Christ status for a week. Let him be the bad boy. Let him fucking get that bad boy pussy if he wants it. He has a Rurley Bird helicopter, I bet. so, you know, he flies a helicopter around. He's famously a helicopter pilot. What he does is money.

He's a man who hangs out with Jimmy Fallon and rides around in a custom helicopter and, like, spits on poor people for fun. But I'm going to fucking defend him. I need to get my beak wet, all right? I need some fucking, I need some skin in the game here. All right? My patriot does elevate me to a level of Bill Burr

where I'm all of a sudden the same team. I'm trying to bring him down so I can be the king of New York. I'm actively, you know, I mean, I'm not going to bring them down through illicit means. I'm not going to try and cancel them. But I'm trying to get my bill, but, you know, I'm going to be a bill burner here. I'm going to have my worldly bird helicopter just dragging cans of tuna fish from like a fucking rope tied to the helicopter. And people are going to hate it because it's going to be, like, bashing into, I mean, I don't think it's powerful enough to break the windows of New York City buildings, but it's going to, like, just bang into windows as I'm flying through Midtown.

Probably, you know, probably being escorted. fighter pilots, but then they're going to find out that I'm Ray Kump, the star of the reboot of the Breaking Boys. You know, they gave me to Bill Burr part. Like, oh, you're Ray Kump from Breaking Boys. This is so great. But my part's going to be better because in my version, you know, the Walter White guy dies the first episode.

I'm just the guy who goes, look, that guy was an idiot. We can still sell meth. Doesn't even matter if it's good, but we're going to fucking do it my way and use this Worley Bird helicopter. Same way right into a plot. So I don't even have to pay for my own. helicopter eventually just give it to me it'll expense it and say you can just keep it you know shit this is why you know I'm executive producing this so uh you know that's my strategy that's

my end game so I'm not gonna be like oh bill I'm gonna die it across of bill burr oh if you don't fucking let bill burr tell white women I piss off then you're a fucking scumb bag we're gonna hit you with bats piss it'll over your mother make you fucking regret ever coming into a bowl and leaving it because we're going to take that bowl and we're going to fucking make your mother drink it shouldn't leave you. You don't want your mother drinking and you come against her will you shouldn't leave it lying around in a bowl in your bedroom

you're fucked up. That's just us so you know fun so it's good good for him I have no ill will against the millionaire um just a millionaire doing his thing what do you want me to tell you you want me to care about millionaires

make me a millionaire, all right? That's how this works. This is not cut capitalism. It's Ray Kump capitalism. All right? Ray Kump cares about millionaires once he gets a little scratch. All right? We're going to fucking, you know, you give me a million dollars.

I'll fucking walk around with Bill Burr carrying a gun pointed out of every cop I see going. Don't fucking even think about it. Don't think about shooting my friend Bill Burr. We'll fuck you up. I got guns up the ass here. Just scream me a cop. You fucking A-Cab, bitch. You A-Kat.

motherfucker. This is Bill Burr from the Breaking Boys. Don't fuck with us. And it'll just back off because they don't know how many guns we have. Yeah, they're smart. And that's if I get some money, all right? That's what you can, you know,

this is going out to the world. You know, Ray Kump can be bought. Your loyalty can be bought, all right? I'm not some kind of fucking principled, you know, whatever. I'm the guy who fucking, it's like Michael Clayton. It's like, I'm the, like, what do they say?

I, I, I, I, I sold out my friend for 80 grand. Are you going to kill me? I love that. I love Michael Clayton. It's such a great. I mean, that might not mean anything to you, but like, how fucking stupid are you? He's really dressing down, what's her name and dinner? Go watch Michael Clayton.

It's such a phenomenal movie. Speaking of movies, it's a spooky time of year. It's Halloween. I talked about this on my Patreon We're gonna revisit Because I need to impress my girlfriend With Halloween movies Because she loves horror movies

I'm not a horror guy We started watching Gremlins 2 last night Which is great We watched Gremlins one last year It's a fun but kind of scary I mean not scared What scares you? I mean what's gonna be

What's gonna scare me? I fucking you know Where people's skin on my hands To fingerprint them on When we scared of a Gremlin No I mean come on But they do look kind of like Decom corpses

Point is, I'm going to drink some as a Red Bull Zero, sugar-free, whatever. Oh. I wish I did more. I wish I really felt the bowl, but I don't. Some people don't like hearing people, like, talk on, like, eat on podcasts or radio or drink. No one's ever complaining about that. I think people like it. I think people like that, like, you know, my bodily functions are included.

in the story that I'm telling. You know, you don't get Kump without some fluids one way or the other. But, yeah, I'm not going to be a scammer. But, you know, I've seen, you know, before. I've been to see in the theater for all I remember as a kid. But it's a great movie. And we're halfway through. I start falling asleep, so, you know, we'll watch it later.

But we need real good horror movies. If you want to respond on YouTube and you can respond on Twitter, if you want, you know, get back. But good ones. I mean, don't show me shit and don't try to, you know, like, stuff that I'll like. Make it good. Not Mike Flanagan films. I'm not into Mike Flanagan. They got to make Dr. Strange and Oculus.

I'm going to talk about this again. This is a second time in a week because of the Patreon, and I'm talking about Mike Flanagan, but we don't. He just had that new movie series come out in Netflix, the sequel to the Hillhouse show. There's people moping around. This fucking trailer was just like his nanny coming. Oh, you know, like they're in a like a Rolls Royce or something And the drivers are like driving that as a state The Hell Manor or something

Where the point is a And she's like, well, how are the kids doing? It's like, well, the parents didn't come home. It's all they understand. And they go, oh, well, these must be like, you know, one and two year old children. They have fucking, you know, three maybe, maybe four. You know, not understand, you know.

I'm like, you know, she's just going to be like wiping baby asses all day and, like, you know, cleaning their shit and consuming their piss, whatever nannies do. I'm not a nanny. And, you know, they get to the fucking house and the kids come up. And the girl's, like, nine,

the kids is like 11. They don't know what that is? This is a dumb fuck show, if you ask me. This is for fucking dumb fucks who like just, pretend to like horror, but, you know,

if I ever showed them a gun, they'd fucking, and I said I was going to murder their fucking child. They'd freak out. You know, these people, Oh, we love horror so much. You shit your pants if I was pointing a crossbow in your eye.

So don't fucking tell me you like horror. All right? I need real horror. But someone on the Patreon asked me about the movie, hereditary. I like, I don't want to spoil the movie, I guess. But I like, like, like, five minutes of it in the middle or, you know, first third. The end of the first act, maybe, I guess you'd call it.

As you've seen the film, you know. and the weird thing afterwards like just leaving it there and then mom was like oh shit and then mom finds it that was kind of a weird thing but the rest of it was goofy just witches and but I mean now I guess I am spoiled but whatever like it got stupid um I like Mitzomer

but it was more fun than scary uh they did show the when the people were kind of falling off the rock and like dying or they were hitting them with a hammer I felt like, you know, you got a good sense of a person's smashed face from my experiencing various types of trauma, whether gunshot trauma or like, I don't ever had a person fall of a building.

If I'd stayed longer, I probably would have, but there's not a lot. In New York City, you probably get more of that, right? There's not a ton. I'm sure people jump in Long Island, but it's not as common. They jump in front of trains. I see a bunch of train stuff. Shotgun suicides. Smashed faces, pulverized.

basis um you know motorcycle you know accidents you get some real grotesque shit so you know i felt like that movie did kind of handle that well more than most um it was fine um so i don't know what my leg is horror i mean i i give me good stuff to impress my girlfriend or not i don't care uh i'm trying to engage people in a fruitless quest to get into horror films we would watched that channel zero it was fun i like i recommend that the first season of it at least not bad i kind of liked it um spooky stuff we're gonna we're gonna carve jack and lanterns but you know now lucy's saying that it might rot and smell um so we should paint them so i suggest we start painting mushrooms um and she thought that was weird i don't know i just love to have a bunch of

painted mushrooms and glue them to the wall. They get rot. Anyway, what else is going on? Oh, no. Oh, no. I spilled an empty can of Red Bull. Pure content here.

This is content for the people. Priests. Got more stories about priests. There was a priest in New Orleans. This intrigued me. I read about this. The priest somewhere near New Orleans. They always say New Orleans,

but then they're reading out, like, town names are like the half hour away from New Orleans or whatever but somewhere in Louisiana some priest was fucking two beautiful women um this time full grown women full grown beautiful women well at least one of them was a porn star I'm not sure that you know she qualifies technically or technically she is I'm saying but really if she's really a real died-in-a-wall porn star or she's just like you know someone who has no only fans but she was you know sexual person She was 42, the other one was 23, and they're just, and they're both dominatresses, I guess,

and they're fucking this priest on an altar, and then someone caught them. And so, you know, the priest is just, uh, they had burned the altar, right? They burn the altar. I guess because someone walked, I mean, this seems odd to me because the Catholic Church, I mean, famously, famous for fucking kids. I mean, I'm not making that up. They made a movie about it one in the Academy Award, Spotlight, great movie. uh and if you didn't i mean you should have known anyway but this is this is mainstream stuff

but the priest fuck the kids and then there's a movie with the netflix and whatever i'm not me you know what it's fine i'm a catholic i can say it probably you know it's fine but they don't burn stuff typically they don't typically burn the confessional where the kid got his asshole whatever happened to it um they don't burn you know the priest's bed sheet maybe they burn the bed where the kids were touched but they don't burn like the bed where the kids were touched but they burn the altar because this is this is you know you can fuck kids anywhere you want apparently according to catholic church but don't do shit on the altar the altar the altar's important god becomes a cracker here so you can't fuck here all right there's rules to this shit

doesn't have to make sense all right you think gods are going to become a cracker on fucking you know where you come you know god you guys jesus is many places to be if you want to be a cracker here you at the least you can do is not come on his fucking cracker landing strip where everyone called this altar was a place where he fucking turns into a ritz cracker or trisket whatever these things are these wafers

this is Jesus like oh my body and flesh I mean why I wonder the first of the last testament he just ripped like it would be funny if he just cut into his own like he just made this bullshit story but like in reality he was a tough guy and a knife and he just cut into his chest and just sort of pulling out

you know excess body stuff that he didn't need I'll be dead in 12 hours, whatever. He's just pulling out, like, fucking, you know, an appendix going, like, eat, chew on this, Judas, chew on this, Simon Peter, and fucking Bartholomew, whoever, you know, suck on my colon. Not in a fucking sexual way. He's this guy's colon out. You can try chewing through everything. It's tough.

You have to coat colon. I'm not trying to get through a weird thing here. I'm just saying the priest. they burned it and he's i think they're going to jail or at least they got you know fined because you could you know someone walked in like from the outside and it was technically obscene because you could see it in the window pretty clearly so i don't know i mean they weren't children though the priests get they get a lot more mad i guess they get progressively more mad the older the person is um they think they think differently enough priest they exist

without time or a different sense of time you know the younger the person it's you know the older the parishioner, the more less expendable there, I guess? I don't know. It's not the point. So that was fun. Speaking of sex, we got these transitions today. It's fucking smooth. I'm like, I'm like a weatherman

just doing the news. Just speaking out like, hey, today is going to be sunshine with no clouds. And speaking of clouds, the next time it's clouds, I'm going to fucking jump in front of a train. So I hope there's no, you know, I'm incentivizing No clouds to God

To Jesus God We're fucking, you know I mean, this is a crazy talk But this is, you know That's what I would do if I was a fucking weatherman I would just start, you know Threatening God like, you know Or, you know, what's the word?

Yeah, I guess threatening him or like, you know, warning him Put them on notice, like I'll fucking I'll commit mass shootings If there's rain tomorrow Because I know everyone wants to play golf So, you know, I'm putting it on the line here So if God if, you know, there's rain,

it means Jesus, you know, Jesus is the devil. You know, we're going to turn you into the devil. Because you made this rain, and now I'm a killer. I'm all over the place. But the point is, smooth transitions. That was so smooth, wasn't it?

That's funny. That people are upset about the Lord of the Rings. This is the thing. The Lord of the Rings. is coming back to Amazon Prime, I guess, much like the boys or the Nazi hunter show or what else did they make? Did they make, they made the Nazi hunters and the boys and the Hitler America show? The castles, man castles, man the tall castle, something.

About whether if Hitler won. Like it seemed weird. Like there was a fucking, I remember like you're on the. 20, around 2016, around the time of Charlottesville, when everyone was very much against Nazis, Amazon decided to promote that show with, like, something like obey or, like, something like, you know, you,

with like a fucking Nazi symbol or a guy that Nazi guy, it just seemed very, like, you know, whimsical for a time when people are up in arms about the idea of Nazis, whether or not you like, you know, people don't like that, you know, the word gets overused, they say, but, you know, there were a lot

there were definitely some you know self-affiliated Naziist type people that thing at the time so I'm just saying Amazon's very bold so they make another bold move and they're doing the Lord of the Rings but they're putting fucking sex in it. Nudity

and sex into the Lord of the Rings you know so I don't know I mean it's going to be hobb you know I hope it's not even like there's no sex in the books I don't think I mean, I read the first book and some of the second one, and I watched the movies, and I don't remember any sex scenes.

This is apparently a prequel. Now, I know it's a similarian, not to be a nerd, not to be some fucking dumb nerd who should, you know, but that's, you know, a book, the J.R. Tolkien, the fucking king of the elves, the elf books wrote. That I think was a prequel, so this might be the similarian. I have really not much concept of what that is. um but it's a prequel and they're gonna put good old fucking in there and i hope it's gratuitous

um because there's no sex anyway so why not just fucking have a thing where gymley the dwarf like they're all fucking trying to figure out where sauron is and and and and gandolph and then cuts the gimley the dwarf and he's just fucking a girl on the ass and you're seeing her shit and piss all over his dick like real hardcore set i mean it's amazon jeff bezos can do what he wants so just have him have her fucking have some have some fucking uh elf just filling her mouth with a fucking delicious elf dick and just goes and then he just they just go slap in five and it cuts back to gandolph he goes or anyway well he's making it real you know people are mad about this people are mad that's gonna be sex i mean you know you need to have something you can't just be watching

you know a game of drones tell us that you need to have have a lot of fucking just penetration. It doesn't matter you can watch porn whenever you want. You need to be titillated. I need to see beautiful actresses and big hung men fuck on horseback, making magic sex. This is what we need.

HBO gets it. Amazon wants to be the new HBO. And the HBO will fucking put a sex scene into the Rosa Parks movie or the fucking, is that offense? I'm so, you know, whatever. I'm saying, like, It shouldn't be done, but they'll do it. They don't care.

They'll put it into, like, you know, the story of, uh, um, whatever, like the Enron collapse. And it's just, just people, I mean, I guess there would be sex there because they're a little strip club addicts or something. But, you know, what would be inappropriate? I mean, are there sex scenes in, um, I can't even think of anything they do? The Kovorkian movie. It's just showing Kovorky and fucking some woman just like, I kill people if they want me to. And she's like, oh, stay hard, stay hard. I just came.

And then, like, it cuts back to him and John Goodman putting death chemicals into, you know, people who want it. You know, I mean, Kvorkean, those people wanted to die. So I'm not really shitting on Kvorkian. But, you know, they'll put a sexy in that movie. It's a Phil Spectre movie. So Amazon needs to learn from these people. I need to learn to, you know, it's just people want. to know sex is happening.

They're having sex. They need to know that you're just fucking... You're not fucking around. This is a world-building thing. They want the world to be built on... You know, like, you can't just be all candy corn and candy canes and fucking, like, oh, and then the elves want here.

It's like, if I'm not seeing some pussy get smashed, like a YouTube subscribe button, it's great. time to remind you smash that button all right a lot of you aren't smashing it you gotta smash it more um subscribe comment um call your senator sign for my patreon um recommend me you know start you know talk about me on reddit promote the show do all the work that i'm supposed to do subscribe smash just like the pussy in the lower the rings gets smashed. That's what you need to do. You need to smash just like the elven girl and that fucking

human guy and a demon, the dragon. They're all just fucking. And this is Gerald Tolkien's elven language. Beautiful. Beautiful stuff. Um, so I don't know. I mean, they should fucking, I think all adaptations should have sex put into it. Not, you know, again, age appropriate sex. Like I used to read a book called the Indian in the cupboard. The Indian in the cupboard. That was that offensive? I don't know. But, you know, Native America in the cupboard,

they didn't change the name. It still called that. And there's a series of books, Return of the Indian, secret of an Indian. They really doubled down the Indian thing. So whatever. It was about this kid

who fucking would take, he found a toy Indian and a cupboard. And I don't know if he won't in the same place. It seems kind of arbitrary, but he would put, you know,

like a medicine cabinet kind of thing or something. open the cupboard and you put it in and we lock it and unlock it and the little guy would be alive I remember liking it because amongst other things it was a scene where him and the cowboy character who's also a little toy guy um there's a picture of them you know the kid's name is henri some weird french name I don't know but he gives them a spoonful of like eggs and beans and it's like a big fucking big thing to them because they're so small I remember liking that I remember just liking the idea of having all these eggs and beans to eat.

So, you know, the point is they made a movie out of it. It wasn't very good. And would it have been better if it just cuts. Again, the kids aren't doing it. But if it's cuts to the kids' parents. Like, he's just discovering how this little, this little fucking Indian, Native American,

goes and, you know, becomes alive. It's cuts to the dad fucking just holding the, you know, just gagging. The mom's gagging on the dad. cock just just uh that she like tears are rolling in her eyes one of those like max hardcore type blow jobs really terrible stuff you don't even like like it and it's just like thank god our kids got something to do so i can get fucking head and he just cut back to the kid and he goes oh i wonder if this fucking little bo peep toy will come to life and they do and it's like this is

great it cuts back and he's she's doing like a fucking sideways cowgirl and like you know it's it's a cowboy theme you know reverse cowgirl he's got a cowboy it all ties together and she's just fucking spitting and uh squirting yeah squirting yeah he goes is that even real you're just pissing all over i don't care but is that you know that whole debate gets started because some people you know there's a stuff in porn where girls squirt and some people think it's just piss uh i don't have a skin in the game on that one um yeah you be i think has to do with pressure that you know creating a suction with the dick I don't know.

I mean, I'm a sexual porn master. The point is, put that into that. I read a book called Dear Mr. Henshaw where some kids writing to an old man, I think, I can't remember. But put sex things to that.

Put, like, the mother just getting railed by some Tinder date. It doesn't have to, you know, again, not talking about these kids having them, I'm talking about, like, but just shoving in everywhere. Apparently, do what Amazon is doing,

is my point. You know, take their cue. I'm not better than Amazon, so I'll make a, remaking the Muppets where like fucking Muppet babies where nannies just getting every you know she only comes in occasionally because she's getting fucked in the ass you know and then she can when she's done getting fucked in the ass she comes out goes Gonsor what are you doing what are you kids up to

and then she farts uncontrollably um you know just like I'm not blaming a woman doing you know what you know you know fuck I mean who knows what happens um it's just you know you're pushing a lot of air and I think and you know it's just this whatever it's fine she's a woman uh you know she's more than just their nanny she has her needs now maybe she'd argue that you know she shouldn't be doing it on the time of the job who knows these these rich people who who who is like the owner of the muppet babies just realizing that out like who are their parents are they at a daycare or is this like one nan like how does this work is nanny's just a nanny so who who's the fucking is it

just like Ebene's or Scrooge or fucking, you know, Charlemagne? Who was their fucking parent on the Muppet Babies? Who owns them? Are they all kept, you know, like by Scrooge McDuck? I don't know. These are questions we deserve to know. I mean, I used to watch a show called Lost City of Gold. I think I talked about this at some point.

We're just in some golden falcon plane and just looking for the Lost City of Gold. Put some sex in that Always adults Always consensual But you ever a show called Ninja Scroll I watched With an O-A-V An anime, whatever

I remember watching as a kid And it was just a needless gratuitous Like the ninja woman comes up You know she's summoned to the fucking To the What do they call those guys? Shogun? I don't know

The fucking boss He's gonna tell her to kill someone And she's kind of uncomfortable Because she's just fucking some girl from behind. I don't know if he was in the ass or not, but he's just fucking railing her. It's great.

And needless, pointless. I mean, maybe it showed these guys a little bit of a hedonist or something, but, you know, but that's what all things should be, according to Jeff Bezos. Just shove, sex,

every remake rookie year. Have the mom fucking Gary Old Busey. She's just getting fucked by the rocket. Have we make fucking the sandlot and just have James Earl Jones just spit roasting. He wouldn't be spit roasting. he's just fucking get he's just fucking some some hot woman while these kids are playing baseball

and like we have your yanky ball like i don't give a fuck i'm getting my nut on you know just shit like that we make dune put more sex in dune put in Jurassic park make make someone fuck a dinosaur make someone fucking get fucked by a dinosaur imagine seeing someone fuck by a raptor the velociraptor just fucking holding you head down making you suck and stick because you're smart clever girl you know when they look at you you, you could tell they're getting hard. It's just from Muldoon. You know, the guy who, like, you know, got killed at the end,

but he was like the Game Warden, Jurassic Park, and he's just fucking getting his dick sucked by a Raptor, and he fucking returns a favor. Infantly a better film, infinitely. You know, the days of PG-13 films are over. We need to show. This is a thing, PG-13, by the kid can watch anything on HBO. I mean, I guess they have parental controls,

but no one probably uses them. some 11-year-old, just getting hard watching the Game of Thrones and the Breaking Boys, just seeing all the fucking sex and drugs. And then not let him go see, you know, some fucking movie because, like, you know, Leithel Weapon Six, starring Mel Gibson's son. I don't know. He's just shooting Jewish people or something wherever he's doing. I don't know.

He's not, I mean, he's never done violence against Jewish people. But it seems like people are mad about the Santa movie. and he's an anti-semi and look I don't I get it he shouldn't be in a movie like where like you know some guys try to kill him he's Santa Claus I'm I'm making it seem like he's done violence against him but you know he's just I don't think he's shooting you know so maybe I should modulate that he's not shooting and he's just being anti-Semitic which is you know bad but I shouldn't slander Mel Gibson's the point

um that movie looks like it might be fun though I don't know does he deserve to be in the with the fat man movie I don't know I don't know if he's paid his penance I don't know he's said enough novenas

um only you know it's not for me to say I'm not Jewish so I don't get to absolve him I can't say you know I don't domine uh you're all good

that's not me um but yeah so maybe put that move like that short sort of why don't we're more robots you fuck just have like you know that that that robot uh Johnny 5 just rolling over

dildos and getting sexual pleasure out of it just fucking he's just rolling downhill uncontrollably um and his and Fisher Stevens who's playing an Indian guy is he Indian though he might be it seems

like appropriating he's I think he might be indian but he's definitely playing up the indian accent or whatever i think in that movie uh either way he's just saying jojani five don't fucking roll over dildos you're still a young robot and he's just doing it anyway and he flies got lasers um if you haven't seen short circuit that's what i'm referring to go see it it's a great movie so you know there's a lot of fun stuff out there a lot of fun you know why should lord the rings be absolved from being a sex you know a cram a sex opportunist Amazon Jeff Bezos

you know remake Breaking Boys and just have fucking have it be a porno but like it's literally made by AMC I mean I'm thinking how much of madman would have been if he's just drinking scotch and taking on his dick I mean honestly because like these guys are probably Madman was a show where like these guys were shown to be kind of scummy and alcoholics but he probably would have just whipped out

his dong that's funny his name was done but he would have whipped his dong out Hey, I'm Dong, and here's my dong. Get it? You get it? You get it? Then why aren't you suck it at whore? And she's like the fucking head of marketing.

And there isn't a fucking lawsuit because, you know, the CEO, whoever tells her, why don't you fucking just play ball? We're making a lot of money. Hey, and it's all scummy. It would be more realistic, is my point. I'm against that kind of behavior. But, you know, I'm, but you should show it. If you're going to show, if they've made.

big deal about well everyone's got to be smoking the show because it would have been smoking and like fair enough then also pull out the dicks you know get that cock out you know make them whipping people's faces show what this fucking everyone you know they act like that but then the show becomes a fucking sensation people are like look at the costumes and it's like these guys are pissed drunk and like you know kind of raping people a lot like you're worried about like your fucking suits are so nice i'm telling you people are too dumb to fucking you know deserve anything like you know i mean i'm not saying i'm the only guy who looked past the costumes and mad i'm not saying that but enough people didn't they were just really excited about the fucking you know the nostalgia

fucking costume design well these guys are just fucking forcing women to have abortions after they fucking knock them up in their office couch and going look how fucking nice the stiletto heels are the fucking you know this fucking suit so fucking dapper oh look at her get her head caved in because she didn't fucking, she didn't act right. I'm just saying. Am I the world's best feminist? I think so. You can disagree, but I mean, I'm the one, you know, making these points.

But, you know, so have, you know, having those old men just fucking piss in a jar together and then make this secretary drink it. I'm not wanting to see this, but they probably did it. So why not? We're going to do it the Amazon way. Let's do it the Amazon way. Let's have, you know, quote, call it mad men.

called it a mad mad or I don't know it's a mad mad mad mad men it's a mad mad mad mad mad mad mad men like mad mad mad world if you haven't seen that movie go watch it's great Peter what's the guy from fucking

Sergeant Bilco Phil Silvers great Phil Silver's a great with a great talent underrated I'm not talking about it enough but Phil Silvers is fantastic go watch him Phil Silver's stuff he started in that

what was that the show show private pile or whatever um gomer pile i remember being good was it gomer pile was he gomer was something else i think it was gomer pile but he was a fucking scumbag um yeah because they called the guy from full metal jacket pile but like i'm pretty sure phil silvers was private pile and he was a no sergeant bilko that was it he was sergeant bilko i don't know who private pile was um sergeant bilko with the show Phil Silverers on and he's playing this scumbag

like fucking guy he's just selling out I think he was just selling military stuff at the back door like the mob was great this usually on television like you know alongside green anchors

and they're fucking just you know military corruption but you know whether it's a mad mad mad mad mad men it's just piss it's just bad men but with much more pissing and fucking and just you know just inappropriateness

because you could kept cigarettes out of it you didn't so why are you keeping the dicks out the dicks would have been all the time they were just whipped them out in the middle of a meeting and going hey peggy why this wouldn't be clever it wouldn't be fucking cute it wouldn't have like you know puns going and be like oh they're been farting all the time fucking just you know sweating i mean they had some scenes where like you know you know don and and what's his name the other guy uh john slattery or fucking eating oysters and getting drunk at lunch and then they're like walking up the stairs and like just all sweaty and gross

It's like, oh, there's some realism But have them, they should be farting in the meeting Next to the clients And they're all just fucking whipping their dick out And pissing on a cracker together And just fucking, you know Swapping underwear Just for fun

Because they're all just drunk animals Heedness Um Yeah, I'm just saying Like keep it consistent It's all I'm saying Um Bringing in Joe Pesci

From the, you know, from the home alone movies and have him come in there and like you know try to rob the rob the ad agency and you and he fucking shoots don draper in the brain just to have a crossover you know i'll kill you just like kevin mcallister you know i came back in time to kill you um and then like peshy whips his dick out everyone's getting their dick out everyone's sucking and fucking this is the priest who's doing it um bill bird's doing it from his Worley Bird helicopter.

He's just getting sucked off in the Worley Bird, towing fucking other women. Not like torture-wise, but like you were hanging from the little rope, a ladder, waiting a fucking suck off Bill Burr because he's a fucking edgy comedian who fucking gets it all done.

S&L, S&L, and far beyond, baby. I'm getting blown all day. You know, but you wanted that to stop. You want a fucking Bill Burr to be his fucking, you know, you want to be Johnny Carson, you want to be Jay. No, no, he's the edgy bad boy. let him be the edgy bad boy and get sucked off in the whirley bird that's all i'm saying

but i'm not going to pay for it i'm not going to go out there and and and and i'm stump for the guy stump for the guy i'm not going to stump for bill burr so he can get sucked off in the whirley bird that's his business i'm like am i getting sucked off in a roly bird am i getting the fucking residual head i don't want to i got my girlfriend i love her i'm like i'm not looking to get sucked off my horse in the whirli bird so other money just give me money oh i don't promote you as the point pay me money and i'll get on the bill burr PR trade But all you motherfuckers out there

Like you know Oh those you talk you fucking say you're offended How can you be offended by comedy? Like I don't work for the guy You work for the guy? Does he fucking have you on the payroll? I need money All right

My loyalty is bought not earned So that's how this works So spooky movies You know Crazy German Horror film Something crazy something I feel good about watching i want watch i mean is is show bring me the head of diego garcia horror film i remember there's a peck and pop film if you haven't seen a wild bunch go watch your wild bunch one of the

greatest films of all time bring me the head of deago garc i'm gonna mumble this together i'll see it clearly bring me the head of diego garcia great film i only saw it once i want to watch it again it may not be a hard it's kind of weird again do i find any of it's scary no it was it was a grimy film i liked it i want to watch again but can i show you as my girlfriend as a horror film. Perhaps. We'll see. I mean, honestly, most, like, the wild bunch compared to most horror films. I mean, you got

this fucking, you got his fucking, you got fucking Ernst Borgneur. Just fucking using a woman's a human shield. They're all just fucking, and fucking, what's his name? William Holden's just fucking gatling gunning and, like, thousands of, I mean, it's just fucking massacre. Why isn't that a horror film? It should be a horror film. Beautiful. So, you know,

uh, thanks everyone for listening a big announcement before we go our love is disgusting uh the podcast i do with the lovely lucy steiner the hilarious lucy steiner is back we recorded one yesterday put it out yesterday new cover art and everything is very very cool uh that episode's available now where we get podcast go check that out there's a lot of fun people when asking when's it coming back it's back so you know enjoy it um sign up for my patreon uh you got an extra episode of your week there's also is a comp dump tier, which you get extra content even.

We did an episode this week with Lucy Steiner on that, an extra thing. So, you know, that's up and going. Content training is rolling, baby, all right? We're coming close to get into that Bill Burr status of just being edgy, you know, content makers. And we can have a helicopter.

So, like, help me get a whirlibird helicopter, is all I'm saying. Sign up. Enjoy it. It's fucking, it's no problem. So follow me on Twitter and Instagram at Ray. You probably already do, but if you don't, it's great stuff. I'll see you guys either in the middle of the week or Thursday for the Patreon or I'll see you next week. I don't know.