Kump - 58 - Kump's Holiday Guide

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Ray teaches you how to prepare your family for the new holiday reality, with survival tips and cannibalism .  Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/ Sign up at patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week!

Hello and welcome to Kump. If you're a 10-year-old kid who works at a bodega around the corner from me, you better stop hitting on my girlfriend. That's what I'm going to say You know I don't know why you think you can just you know I'm nothing to worry about Stop it

You better stop it And you know I'm not worried she's going to leave me for a 10 year old It's just but let's just stop You know it's a lack of respect Welcome to the show Happy holiday season We

The last time I talked to you was on the main feed was Thanksgiving. So, you know, we had a lovely turkey. And, uh, you know,

now it's the Christmas season. It's the festive time of year. It's the holiday. Cheer. You make the cookies. You make the, the trees. You get yourself psyched up for the winter solstice.

And you know, and you, you know, sacrifice, uh, something to the, to the, to,

the sun god i don't know it's fun it's it's an enjoyable um you know you're you're going to see my who gives a shit it's not about that they can send you get christmas is about getting things you know thanksgiving people seem to go home when you know a lot more that's the thing you go you don't go home for christmas you watch basketball we're gonna have basketball it's gonna be great uh we're gonna have fucking you know eggnog put some bourbon in it you know stop oh i'm not gonna see uh you my my uh my aunt you know vomit uh you know sausage stuffing all over the vodka in their stomach what am i talking about point is it's fine it's cheery it's festive i saw gwen stephani has some new christmas album out

people are acting like it's a comeback it's a christmas i don't even care if she makes a comeback i don't good for grantly you know uh but it doesn't matter anymore you know go buy her album buy my shirt you know buy her by her my shirt buy her album buy a christmas cookie from the kid of the bodega who's trying to sleep with my girlfriend i don't know what he's trying to pull but you know buy his christmas cookies see what happens see what happens kid swear to god um shouldn't you be in school whatever so yeah it's a it's a lovely time of year um having gotten a tree yet we might get a tree we might get a tree shoved on the apartment and i'll put it in the background and everything's fine yeah a couple million people might die of

covid who know they're telling us it's the the worst whatever month the black the dark winter what they call it the darkest winter like this is an episode of like community or something it's a meta reference to the comic books just enough i mean whatever happens that joe biden's just you know milling about how he broke his foot good for him he's probably you know he's playing beach volleyball with uh tom cruise and val kilmer just you know looking each other's pecks good for him you know christmas reminds me of times of uh traditions you know where people used to uh you know i don't know what you guys do some people have you know they make the angels with their with their mothers they uh you know

the cuts i didn't do that we had bridkin brittkin was basically a bread how do i put this it wasn't a baloney sandwich so if you're going to hear this and hear what you want to hear and say that's a baloney sandwich it's not okay brickin is a slice of italian bread a layer of butter a layer of mayonnaise okay then crack hour which is a type of ham baloney for lack of a better term i guess but it's not it's not oscar myer baloney it's crack hour if you know ham baloney it's close to that but it's better than ham bologna in my opinion it's spicier it's more of a sausage the germans you have to go with german butcher to get it probably okay then a slice of hard-boiled egg not a whole hard-boiled egg a slice of it and a slice of pickle and it's a phenomenal thing it's a i mean it's an odorve i guess it's delicious i mean i don't know if it's a goche thing for those new listeners

who, you know, I am what's called Gochay. It's something that doesn't exist anymore. It's a German province, I guess, that was set up in the Middle Ages, which I learned later in life. They called it an ethnic outpost in the Middle Ages. I don't know what that meant. I mean, I know it could mean now. It sounds like an Israeli settlement.

But I guess it's what it was in the Middle Ages, against the Slaviks, the Slavs? I don't know. It's part Yugoslavia now, I think. but they wrap We used to go gocee picnics There was Miss Gocee You know

It's not It was a big deal To my family I don't I forget it exists Most of the time I don't think this was a Goce thing I don't think it was a German thing

I think it was something like Most of these things are things Your Grandma makes up And then pretends this tradition And brainwashes you You know Which is really where Christmas is about It's just about creating

A fictional bubble to shut you up in a good way I guess I mean in the most the most uh generous you know positive way possible you know it's never I believe in Santa that was too old maybe am I going to tell you how old it was no it would be embarrassing I was a cynical guy part of what makes you cynical part of what makes you question the structures of the power elite is you know trusting your family you trust your family because why would they lie to you why would they deceive you uh you know when you're old enough to start questioning and you go hey look i get it it was a kid's thing but like this ain't real and they find mental gymnastics to convince you this is you know

a real thing and then you still and you go and you go look i mean this doesn't you're not convinced but you're like what no and they don't relent and you don't relent and you Okay, I mean, I trust you. You're my mother, you're my father. You wouldn't lie to me. And then you find out they did. Yeah, I mean, I'll start thinking that maybe Giuliani dunked Tower 7 or didn't, you know, at the very least he, like,

what's the thing that firefighters hate Giuliani? Because he, there was a, you know, they were still trying to find bodies and survivors, but there was like a river of molten gold under Building 7 or whatever. because, you know, I guess there was gold reserves in one of the buildings or something and they, you know, had melted and they were just a river of gold

and they had to secure that. We had to secure the gold. And so the firefighters, like, you know, hate this guy because, you know, it's like Black Hawk down with firefighters, you don't leave their body behind. See, when you watch Black Hawk down. I did when it first came out. I didn't understand what they were doing.

And I was saying, like, what, you know, what, you're going back into the mayhem. You just got out of it enough. Like, you just sacrificed. you know these guys are dead there's no reason to get him but they that's their thing these navy seals whatever they were they were the army rangers and these delta boys delta operators they don't leave no man behind that's the thing it's it's not you know they don't leave their body behind to be you know fucked and maligned and hung up like a strut up i get it it's it's an ethos

so you know uh that's what firefighters are like and uh so they don't like juliani what's the point And, yeah, so I didn't, you know, if you look, if you can still convince your kids in the year 2020, the year of our Lord, 2020, that Santa Claus exists, that, I mean, you're, you're next level. You should start a cult. You should start, at least a megachurch. I mean, you have powers of persuasion that are, you need to be monetized. You need to be making money. because I don't like how were your kids just you know your kids not going to do well your kids kind of maybe he's built for the future maybe that's the thing maybe I'm

I'm going to be phased I'm going to be pissed a whip to death in front of my kids for you know questioning you know when we get to go to dinner like I'm officer I'd like to go leave my house for dinner a little early and they just are pissed with me don't question you know the COVID orders this is 10 years from now And, you know, they're just, you know, making an example out of me. While, you know, it may be conditioning a kid to believe in Santa now is the move. It's a soft launch for just, you know, medical tyranny or whatever. I'm not being anti-vacc or anything.

I'm just saying it's, it's grim. The prospects are grim out there. And maybe, you know, it's not about creating a nice childhood anymore. It's about preparing them. to be lied to for the hyper normalization for the propaganda that's inevitably going to come you know the world's on fire oh no you know it's on we go fishing hunting okay tell me where tell me where to go fishing hunting I'll come with you I'm a Eagle Scout tell me where the good hunting is and the

who's fishing is I'll come there I don't know what we're doing you know but it's bad These guys out there were hunting a fish And acting like nothing's wrong I mean go hunting fish But don't tell me that's wrong But yeah I mean if your kids are just out there Just putting up you know

Snow angels on the tree That's not a thing What am I talking about I should be shot for that Whatever Putting up the The garland The tinsel

You guys have tinsel growing up That's silver Basically aluminum like strips of aluminum foil That you put in the tree supposed to be snow I mean look It's all too much Anyway Christmas

Is I mean I was in Catholic school You know it was young And it was to keep Christ in Christmas And you had to like Um You had to do like an oak tag Display

Of keep Christ in Christmas Like what it meant to you And I was always an edgy kid I guess It was an edge lord Little boy They would just draw like the crucifes I would just just, like, breaking the crucifixion for some reason.

Everyone's drawing nativity. I'm just writing, I'm just drawing the crucifixion and Jesus's blood pouring into like a punch ball. It never won. I mean, it was always enough that, like, you know, I meant well. I, if anything, they thought it was going to be, like, some kind of, like, you know, a guy who kills, you know, some killer, some Christian killer, blown up a portion cliques or something.

I mean, like, they were probably thought it was that, like, level of crazy, not like, it never seemed like I was anti- I wasn't at that I wasn't an anti-god guy back then but I always liked the the severity of it which I think Scorsese gets too I think me and Scorsese have that in common

that if you got to appreciate Christianity and Catholicism you know the severity and the brutality of it is the whole gimmick you know the blood of Christ and this is my body and I'm pissing blood No, no, he's, sorry.

That was sacrilegious. He's bleeding. He's sweating blood in the Garden of Gassimony. All the good stuff's at Easter. I mean, his whole Christmas narrative, um, I mean, you know, it didn't happen at Christmas time.

We all know that. I mean, I'm not a 19-year-old undergraduate with some guy who works at, you know, Geico. Whatever. The guy who changed my time. Whatever. I'm saying, I was the guy.

I watched Zeitgeist go, oh my God, this is interesting. The movie's zeitgeist. you know 9-11 and the federal reserve the early days of a conspiracy theory at that point you already know I mean if you go to Catholic school they tell you it's like they're not trying to tell you

like hey it doesn't add up the Christmas narrative no one cares that it's Christmas time you know he's probably born in March or April or June if I get maybe you know whatever the point is just based on the census or whatever

but I don't know hey so watch a thing called Superbook, which was a I still have my parents. I got my parents to send them to me. Roald they're on VHS. I'm going to get a VHS player. But there were these like weird cartoons. They're probably on

YouTube. We'll watch them on the Patreon. We'll watch Superbook and talk about them. Sign up for the Patreon. You can get, let's see. I'll see if you're here now because I don't mislead you. You should sign up for the Patreon anyway, but that's a that's a good, can we find the Super Books? YouTube. Superbook Oh yeah

Superbook Christmas full episode Oh yeah This is I wish we can't play him here We'll get pulled But we're gonna do this on the Patreon We're gonna watch the super book It looks like anime

It's like a Christian anime A cartoon But like And then they like They do a little crafts in the middle They teach you to build a little angel So that's fun That's the time of stuff

I had Christian action figures I had biblical Action figures You know King Solomon I think I had And David The King David

The King David of Judea What is Judea? Whatever Israel They called it Judea at some point in the Bible You know King Solomon famously

We're cutting the baby in half You know Someone I don't know I guess someone's kidnapped His own one's baby woman and it's like you know the women get together

and one of them's like you know he's like uh you know it's my baby you know it's like it's my baby and you go what you want me to do it's like he's I'm a king of Israel and you come up to me with a missing baby I're here's the point we're going to cut the baby in half and one of them is like well I mean I sounds good to me which you know it seems weird

it seems weird that you're cool with having half a baby I mean she didn't even ask Like which half Like you know I'm gonna cut this baby half Which half do I get You know cool As long as just the good half

And you go No I'm gonna cut it Evenly down at the top of the bottom Oh okay So I'm gonna make sure I'm not missing The good part of the baby You know what I mean And cut it away

And then the other one's like Don't cut the baby What good's it And she's I mean they make it seem Like she's some fucking You know it's the altruistic She's the mother of all mothers well you can yeah she's like probably just sitting there going like well am i going to do half a blit bled out baby you're

cut in half uh i guess just give her the baby if we're gonna do i mean she's looking like she's looking the woman she's looking at king solom and like you guys are i mean i can make another baby like i don't want no like just just take it you guys are nuts like it's kind of like you're you get into a road rage situation and like someone's crazier than you are like they start pulling out the the pipe or the gun and like i was just you know not back and down but this is you know you cut you off you cut them off and you know it goes i mean i used to love just not taking shit on the road but at a certain point you know once it leaves the car it gets to be a little dicey what's going on here what's that noise so you know um sorry i distracted i have

someone who's coming to get to kill me. Maybe the kids are moving a bodega. And I'm ready for that. You want to come to my apartment and try to break in to get my girl? See how far you get, Bodega Kid. See how far you get. So, you know, whatever. I had the action figures.

I had the children's bibles, you know, with the pictures. It was like probably like, which is a weird thing. They give you these children's bibles. Bible's little these illustrations and like you know she can shorten things and like so you go your whole life thing and I've read the Bible how crazy it is but they leave out a lot of the crazier stuff like you know legalized slavery and rape and beating your wife and all that stuff they don't tend to feature that in the children's Bible so you think I've read the book of kings and I've read whatever Exodus and but you haven't and then you get a little older and you kind

realize, oh, this is weird. Like, you know, can I kill my brother from laying crops, you know, it's next to each other? And it's like, yes, you can. And it's like, oh, that wasn't in the children's Bible. It's a good, it's, they should have children's communism, I guess. I'm not

saying I'm a communist. I'm just saying, like, they should implement this. I mean, that's probably why they had the whole statute, you know, the Pledge of Legion shit, Statue of Liberty. You know, I mean, like, they knew the 50s, they knew what propaganda was. It's wearing off because they've stopped doing the work of it.

And we've always railed against it. I've always railed against Empire and, you know, the war machine. But, you know, objectively, it's not what it was. They've definitely, whoever was running the Illuminati, for lack of a better term, you know, he retired. It was she or she, you know, that crew retired and that kids took over. And, you know, it's never, the second generation is never as effective. and now we're getting to like their weird grandkids now now it's just kind of like you know

the 80s and the 90s you'd argue you know the aughts it was getting rough and now it's just off the rails now it's just like Paris and Nikki Hilton do you remember that that's still a reference the Hilton sisters partying

it was before Kardashian they were just I remember them yeah I wasn't really you know you don't mean I don't read the tabloids but um i remember it was just like they were just like look at these two drunkhors and it was just like nicky and paris hilton and then she became a star i guess with the sex tape sex tapes were a big thing back then you know now everyone's the only fans but getting a sex tape was a big deal you can tell your kids about that the sex tape years um an interesting time in american history but yeah so back to britt do we talk about brittgen we did

but it's a tasty treat is my point it's a delicious it's like it's I shouldn't we used to have stacks of it at my grandma's house and I'm not being nostalgic it just was really good my dad actually made it

one year I remember specifically and they used to make tons of it it was just there and then for a couple days after Christmas maybe it's a little nostalgic because there's the best part of Christmas growing up for me was those couple days I had after Christmas, when you just kind of get out in school and you're eating Britken.

You can all relate to that. You're eating your Britken. It's just in the fridge. You take a little from the, under the tinfoil wrap. No one knows this is just one in the time. A little Britken, you eat like a rat. Hope no one knows is. You little fat boy eating a Britken.

And then all day you're pilfering the Britken and you're playing with your Nintendo's. You know, maybe your Super Nintendo. You'll be 64 or whatever it is. what is this noise what's going on just come in did you do it before okay i heard someone coming in i thought it was a bodega kid i thought he was trying to get at you uh that's lucy's coming in from a workout uh pay no mind to her i was talking about brittgen the delicious lucy did your family have brittkin growing up what's that i told you about this it was the bread with the mayonnaise and the butter and the crack hour and the egg in the and the and the pickle it's a

comp family tradition is my point and i'm gonna i'm gonna do a video maybe we'll come out on christmas before christmas i'm gonna do one of these videos like these holiday things i'm gonna teach you how to make brittkin this could be a viral sensation this could be by this time next month you could be sitting there going i can't believe i was a subscriber to come before the brittkin video because this is going to take off this is going to make people lose their fucking minds it's delicious

it's something it's easy to do I mean I don't know if you get crack hour and the whole rest of the country but you know whatever maybe you can step a super baloney I don't endorse that but uh yeah a lot content coming some news coming too

but whatever we're not in the teasing part of the podcast yet we're just in the podcast part of it um But it's not, look, you're playing video games, you, whatever. I don't know. I mean, it's not, the day of Christmas is whatever. I remember, we stopped giving gifts at one point, not to me, not to the kids, but the

adults stop exchanging gifts. Because, like, everyone's just giving to them to, like, lame gifts. I mean, I think I brought this up in the earlier episodes at some point, but with those pit, with the stupid, my dad got, like, putting pills. I remember like he's like It's still in the closet somewhere He's into the golf and like They just make garbage for you to buy

And give us a gift It's just like It was just like You know Green Tic Tacs They were called like put pills The novelty gifts It's something that belongs

In Spencer gifts I don't know if they sold them there But Uh It's like my Someone gave my uncle a money clip Like what the fuck am I going to do with a money clip Now if you like a

if you want a money clip you'll get a money clip it's a thing you don't go you don't switch to a money clip because someone gave you a money clip you got your fucking mind you crazy you know a choice of wallet is like a lifestyle choice you know it's a whole thing you're not gonna go from a wallet to a money clip just because some idiot didn't know what kind of wine you drink just buy someone buy someone a bottle of fucking vodka what kind of crazy christian family that come from just buy each other liquor what we doing um but yeah so the but the rigmarole the the amount of gifts swapping back and forth it's just it's insane but you know but you come together for the brittkin that's what it's about it's about the mayonnaise and the butter coming together

uh with the pickle and the egg and the crack hour and they all hit your mouth at the same time and you remember why Jesus died for your sins, why he bled blood in the Garden of Gassimony. You can eat crack out where butter and mayonnaise. You know, it ain't rocket science. But yeah, we got, uh, Julian has got COVID. What's to say? I mean, look, at this point, you can sign in for the crazy.

this woman he's he's dragging around this drunk slob just you know talking you know like just just coming in like some drunk jersey who were just yelling about a you know voter fraud um it's not political i mean i'm just saying like i'm open money they stole the election in 50 so you know i'm not saying the democrats are clean just show me something besides this drunk slop But anyway, he's at COVID You know, look, it's easy to shit on Giuliani But he saved the world from the mafia So I don't know Maybe he gets a pass from dying of COVID That's all I'm saying You know

No one's no one's last act Is phenomenal I mean, let's your I mean look George C. Scott's final movie was Angus You know, it's a far cry from Dr. Strangelove And the hustler what was george scott's most famous movie what's he known for i mean if you're not a george scott fan i don't

tell you what was he lucy what was george scott's like most iconic role oh no no i'm crazy i'm a maniac person patten he's patten i mean of course the changing also the changing was good and hardcore but uh you know the man was patten i mean come on they don't get more iconic than that um slats shell shock doesn't exist so smacking the kid around he had to like give i love it i love how the movies kind of like it straddles that time period where like he would like this guy would exist but he'd also be reprimated for it like he's like you know like you know 20 years later that wouldn't even happen and like 20 years earlier you know

they were giving them a medal for it. But, like, he's just this kind of guy between ages. It's interesting. Yeah, the kid, if you haven't seen Patton, it's a guy, you know, you can probably infer from what I said, but you know, the guy's sitting there. The soldier, he's a little shell-shocked from, you know, whatever to happen in World War II.

I don't know. I'm not a panzer. Actually, Lucy. Lucy. Lucy. Lucy. It kind of so hard to make my, like, to not interrupt your shot while I was going through,

and then you just call me back. It's fine. Closer than Mike. Hello, this is Lucy. You're on camera, you know. Hi. Hi. Wasn't your family members in the Patton Army,

in the Patton's Panzer Division? My grandfather, yeah. Lucy's grandfather was one of Patton's Panzer Boys. And how many Germans did you guys kill? I don't know, but I think most of them were children. Yeah. I mean, children that my grandfather were, like, you know, let's just say aggressively fathered.

He really just went in to sweep up after we had already effectively won. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah, our grandfather just fought. We were both cowards on different sides. Look, no, look, you can accuse my grandfather a lot of things, but not cowardice. Is it cowardice to shoot women in the back?

I mean, look, it doesn't take bravery to get locked up in a gulag. Fair point. The wonderful Lucy Steiner, follower at D. Steinbeg on Twitter and Instagram. But, yeah, so, you know, but his, so he's an icon, Dorsey Scott. And where does he end up, you know, with some fat kid in Angus and then he dies? So my point is, you know, Giuliani, yeah, it ain't great, but he took down the mafia. And he, you know, look, you could say he put a lot, you know, did a lot of stuff we don't like in the process of cleaning up New York.

It's not as clean kind of as clean up the mafia. you let's just say but you know there was a certain you know Bloomberg definitely made it more the more like you could probably look at Giuliani's era and you go well it's a fascistic and it's like you know cops yeah yeah it's aggressive but you know New York was a with a rough place before I feel like it's kind of thing where it's like if that happened and then they dialed it back then you kind of forgive it I mean not for any of the render it probably it's probably a privileged position what everyone call it but that being said but when then Bloomberg doubles down and goes okay we're going to do that we're going to keep doing that we're going to really amp up

this stop and frisk and we're just going to make it a billionaire's playground then yeah Giuliani just you know it was a bad execution if that was the case so you know but the mafia thing he definitely took the mafia down he helped he was for the press point is he wasn't sitting around like a ferret just you know doing what he's doing now he was America's mayor the 9-11 I forgot about the 9-11 boy I don't know what he did I mean I he was a beacon of hope I guess I don't know what he was supposed to have done 9-11 was so good what made him America's mayor

he would come out and go look we're doing everything we can't I guess he was with he down there digging people's bones out of ground zero I mean he was doing what the mayor should do we really are such you know we're so even even in 2001 before 9-11's

the post 9-11 you know freedom onslaught we everyone call it happened we really are a brow-beaten people that like a mayor just showing up to the you know disaster site and giving press conferences is like he's america's mayor like i guess or he's just the guy in charge going like we didn't you know we couldn't stop this these people are dead we're looking into it i'm sorry i mean maybe he was talking you know i i wasn't watching his press conferences maybe he was cracking jokes about the yankees you go i wish we got don't maddenly down here you know what i mean oh hey jeter why don't you win a

Why don't you hit a home run for the people who were killed by the CIA, Derek Jeter? And everyone laughs. And it's a fun time. I don't know. You know, Cuomo is America's governor because, you know, he didn't bleed from the mouth while even his COVID press conferences. It really is the age of Churchill and, you know, Roosevelt and even Stalin's over. I mean, Stalin was a statesman, right? He was a brute

But he was a statesman Criminal Well you're all criminals But he was actually like a street criminal From like From my knowledge Stalin He was like he started out being like a petty thief

Or not petty like a Like a stick up boy Like Omar from the wire I think or something like that And he kind of you know And he was one part of the For lack of a better term Communist street team Or Soviet street team

I can plug this in hold on Yeah, we got to put up a shot Yeah, screw with the shot He was part of the communist street team I got like straight in this camera And, you know It was helpful for the whole Starting Soviet Russia, I guess

You know, Lenin was like an egghead And Stalin was the guy He was like, you know, he was like Furio and the Sopranos but yeah i mean what are you talking about julia so you know thornton prayers uh salute salute salud whatever italians do but yeah i'm excited to watch superbook now

uh not to keep plugging the patreon but look it's just where we can do it i would do it for you but we can't play super book i mean you would think like oh they're not gonna you know do a dcmi take down whatever we call it the dcma or whatever but like the point is like I think it's automatic, right? Like YouTube does it automatically and then whatever. I'm not

I'm not going to get into how YouTube works with you. I'm not an engineer, but we're going to watch the Superbook together if you're part of my team. Anyway, the what are they talking about? I'm so lost. It's fine.

fine the kid the bodega is really playing with fire i'll just say that if he thinks he can you just like you know i'm just gonna like sit there and let them make little comments and uh and oh yeah i didn't realize you yeah yeah yeah shut it shut it i don't even know why you're working here i don't you should be in school keep your mouth shut the wise ass i've met wise ass 10 year olds who were funny you're not you're not even pulling it off all right um anyway but yeah i mean i did look this is a time of you're not going to see your family

so why don't you know why don't you make an elaborate stuffing stocking you know a little sock make some crafts crafts or shit on by so many of the you know men and the women who do craft are like oh these nutcases why don't you just get some hot glue gun and some felt make a tradition of your own make a 9-11 diorama of 9-11 Christmas

diorama you know have the burning buildings have the people falling down if you want I mean I'm not saying it's tasteful I'm just saying like this is an age where you can do you can't you don't have to rely on you know Walter Cronkite to give you your Christmas myths you can make a brutal bloody Christmas um have rivers of blood flowing through New York, but people, though, Santa hats. Santa hats make everything fun, all right? You know, he wouldn't do that.

He wouldn't wrestle like that. If Coca-Cola invented him good, because he looks great. He's a jolly, it's the iconic color scheme. You know, the fat man with the, I mean, you see these little cartoon sandas, and they're just, they're likable. They understand. People talk like, oh, Coca-Cola.

and everything I mean You would probably go to some Like stupid town Like Tombstone Arizona And like you know Like back in the age of Wyatt Earp

And he'd ask for a cola And the end It was just tasted like shit It tasted Garbage And it was flat And you go This is disgusting

It just had sand in it And dirt Someone's pissing in the coke The cola barrel And then they come around And, like, it's just a, it's one of those brown labels. You've been looking at those old newspaper advertisements. Just a brown label with text on it.

Cola. Jimmy's Cola drink. R.C. Cola comes around, and they, like, make some color schemes. And they, and they sealed a bottle. They don't piss into it. And they don't put sand and dirt, and it tastes good. And it's bubbles. They're going to flat.

And, you know, and everyone's just like, this is amazing. and it was probably, just like Budweiser was probably like, you know, the king of beers because at the time beer probably sucked. I mean, maybe they marketed it, but I'm, you know, you gotta imagine they're getting awards, probably because, you know, most

of this stuff's just not quality controlled. And so therefore, uh, yeah, and now you're bitching. Like, oh, Coca-Cola made Santa. What do you want your weird woodland Santa? Who's molesting kids? No. Coca-Cola covered up the molesting,

which is like, look, if you really care that much, you wouldn't have the Santa thing, but you had him anyway. So, Santa's like, well, we're not going to, we're not going to, like, feature the molesting. We're just going to make them jolly. And then, you know, it's fine. You know, stop blaming Coca-Cola for everything.

Are they the reason we invaded, you know, Iraq? Yeah, on some level. But, you know, they really want it. They wanted it anyway. If we didn't do it for a call, we would have delivered a Taco Bell. So, you know, we were going to invade Iraq either way. I wasn't for it. But, you know, am I running the country?

No. Should they be? Yes. Are we going to work on that? Okay. Join my campaign. But anyway. But yeah, you know, maybe it's a time to, you know, make, do a Christmas

Halloween you know dress up like your favorite biblical character you can be Judas I'm going to be Judas but the money collecting angle and not the like Judas was the guy

like he was a treasurer and he was stealing the silver I don't know it's not money you know I'm just saying like you know get a factual level don't just have Judas like you know nailing Jesus to a cross he wasn't even doing that You can be a Roman centurion, you can be the Junet, Pontius Pilate.

These are Easter things. What's Christmas? Oh, what are these wise men? Who are these street kings? Why would they come? Because of prophecy? Like, that's the thing about Christianity. It goes from being like, hey, love each other to like the Matrix.

Like, you know, we're, you know, what's the other thing with a prophecy? Dune. the new Dune's coming out with Denny Villeneuve is directing it I gotta be honest Denny Villeneuve who did

I guess the arrival I think he did the new Blade Runner which yeah had look Roger Deacon's shot it it looked cool it's mostly schlock

in my opinion I mean look it's the same as a regular blade runner regular blade runner was kind of schlock and anyway point is they're making the new Dune

which you know David Lynch made the old one. It wasn't great. He didn't, you know, it wasn't a labor of love for him, I think. But, yeah, do do. Do a June Halloween or Christmas, is my point. Make it, make it however you want. Like, drink some, you know, pour some vodka and egg knock together.

Is it vodka and egg knock? I don't know. But, like, make it, you know, make some traditions. This is like a condensed version of the Great Depression. So in 40 years, you can tell your kids, like, that this weird, You know, this White Castle dip that you take the White Castle burgers and you put them in the food processor, that's a Christmas tradition, just like Britkin.

And lie to your kids, you know, buy them nothing. Buy them, buy them a pen and a paper and tell them to write, you know, just write what they want, right, right, you know, teach. Give them an imagination. Give them a stick in a balloon. I remember one, I used to play in the backyard with a stick in a balloon. They call me a balloon boy. Because I would just have a stick in a balloon.

I was to keep the balloon in the air of the stick. These kids are spoiled with these video games. I mean, I had video games even then, well before then. But I seemed to like this stick in a balloon. They thought it was a creepy weird kid. But I had an imagination, or at least I was easily... What's the word? Amused?

Sure. When these vibrate I swear to got these neighbors They tap They bang in the walls Like 9 p.m. When I think it's being too loud I will fucking burn myself alive

I will set myself on fire They think I'm fucking around They knock They rap I just start screaming at them Like move out I don't care Anyway sorry

very aggressive but yeah I mean you know teach your kids like why don't you be like Sarah Connor I mean look you see what's coming you know Terminator 2 we we watch Terminator 2 recently

Lucy watched it for the first time and you know it's great how Sarah Connor is teaching her kid to basically survival tips because she knows the future is going to be you know robot war

so she's teaching the kid how to kill you know to improvise explosives I guess and to move in a serpentine fashion and why don't you teach your kids that now I mean you know what's coming teach him how to have drink their own piss teach him how to

you know filter gasoline into water or you know power a car with a bunch of Pokemon Pokemon Go Whatever Pokemon things

You use a poke There's tons of Pokemon shit out there Use it Is my point Um An old game boy I wish I had a game boy

That's something As a kid I really wanted It just has a good form factor I mean now if you played it It would be garbage Because the screen sucks But it does look cool A game boy

You know I have like I have a switch But like You know I kind of want to just get a game I think I find a broken game board, because I don't want to play a Game Boy. I just want to hold it in my hands like a weird creep. I'm not nostalgic.

I don't think that's a nostalgia. I just still appreciate the form factor of a Game Boy. It looks cool. Anyway. But yeah, teach your kids how to kill him out of the Game Boy. Basically by bludging, you know, it really applies to anything. But, you know, make that a fun holiday thing. Like, make, you know, how to kill an elf.

And then you just give him a gun, you'll shoot the elf. You're really teaching them how to shoot A marauder Or, you know, other things I don't want to say You know, whatever, I'm just saying Who knows what the future holds And who's going to be trying to kill your kids in the future But you tell him it's an elf

You tell them it's an elf on the shelf And you got, you know, give him a BB gun And you got to shoot the elf on the shelf As soon as you see it It's like that movie, the, what was it called? it was it was a fucking ben kingsley i think in the alan arkin no adam at i'm arkin alan arkin whatever

uh and like they were trying to like you know get carlos the jackal and then these guys just going into houses and shooting things real quick it's great um you can look at that just look at don seveland don't seveland and the or the ben kingsley i forget aiden quinn i think you guys in there whatever we'll do a movie we'll do a movie we'll do a movie we're going to branch off to do a

movie podcast and I'm just going to tell you about movies you know you guys go watch patten when he beats up this kid he spits all over him telling me you not an american get the fuck out of my army you're afraid of going in the trench i'll fucking shoot you myself i'm just sitting there laughing hugging kissing that's what christmas is about Christmas is about not having weakness and it's about there's a movie oh god you know what's another holiday movie watch the uh is it dear god watch dear god that's a great holiday movie and by that i mean it's an insane holiday movie the most insane i liked as a kid and me and lucy i got we should rewatch it tonight because it's we watched it recently and it was the most crazy 10 minutes

uh i've ever seen in my life uh you know it's um great canier Lori Metcalf uh Tim comway maybe that's another thing we'll watch on the patreon look i get big things are coming because you know these are multimedia times and you know we should be able to interact with media and youtube saying no you know we're living in an you know an age of uh complete you know DCMI takedowns which is fine i'm not going to interrupt you know larry ellison or whoever runs owns google but uh you know you got you got to go somewhere else to get the action to get the tag along we're part of a family part of a comp family you know we'll watch these things together um and also i'll teach your kids how to you know eat you know uh human meat then not kill people

but you know if people are going to be dead on the streets shot by cops shot by marauders uh i'm not i'm not gonna tell you kids to go cannibal but we don't know what's coming so why not i mean look it's going to be a shock even if you know how to butcher a person who's already been killed again I'm not going to kill a per, I'm not serial killers. But if you know how to do it, the first time you end up having to do it, it's going to be a shock. It's going to be a shell shock, a culture shock. It's going to be a reimagining of the rest of your life. So why also, you know, compound that with having to learn how to do it?

How about you know how to do it? And then you can just deal with the emotions when you have to. And Christmas is the best time to do that. Christmas is the best time to teach your kids how to butcher. a, you know, a freshly killed person, not by you. You got to stress that. It's like, it's like the Native American cultures where they wouldn't waste the buffalo. Like, they use every part of it.

And, you know, if you're going to see a dead person on the side of the road, yeah, you got to use it because, what, you can't, if you, all you do is eat tuna fish in your, in your fallout shelter, you're going to get mercury poisoning, all right? It's too much mercury. Me tuna fish is good. Don't get me wrong. I like the nice tuna sandwich. but you can't eat it every day.

It's too much mercury, so you might have to start eating people who other people have murdered. And hopefully, for your sake, your health, you know, nutritional sake, those people were shot for, you know, just vindictive or theft reasons and their killers weren't cannibals.

And, you know, good for you. You get to be industrious and take their, you know, it's honoring them. It's much like in the movie alive when the Chilean soccer team went down in the Andes Mountains. and they were, you know, trapped in, you know, for months, I think it was. And, you know, their plane went down.

And they eventually went out of food and they had to start eating the dead. And they said it was a way of honoring each other, like the Eucharist. That's a little bit. You just have to say the right things to yourself. Tell them it's Christmas. Make Christmas a weekly thing. Christmas is whenever you have to butcher a person. That's Christmas.

And the Eucharist. Make everything in the Euchar. Anytime you eat a person, since the Eucharist. That's a good thing. That's, maybe that Jesus was trying to tell us. Like, look, you can eat each other. Just say this crap.

You know, say it's, say it's me. And they eat each other. It's really good for you. Maybe you're trying to get you to drink your piss. Look, drink my piss. It's got, it's full of nutrients. Also a lot of urea, uric acid, which is probably not the healthiest thing for you. But, you know, I don't know to tell you.

I mean, I'm the son of God. I'm fine. I drink piss Um I don't know The King James Bible might have that But you know The regular one doesn't

So I don't I can't keep track of every version of the Bible Is the point But you know see if that's You know your thing Teach your kids how to Uh Filter their piss

To Yeah And don't be weird about it Get jars and pit Don't have them piss in front of you This is not about weird shit Just have them piss in a jar In the bathroom come out

That's your piss Here's how we drink it You know we have where we filter it um you know if you want to cut the head off the body that you bring into butcher after they've been killed by like you know the local marauding gang of uh you know cyberpunks or whatever yeah that's fine i'm not saying i'm not trying to tell you to shock the kid right away you know uh don't you know i wouldn't take the arms and legs off though you don't want the head's one thing because that's like a person but the first couple times

when you're kind of making a christmas feast out of a elderly woman who was killed for her collection of silver, you know, cutlery. If you want to remove her head before you bring her down to your shelter, to spare the kids, you know, oh, that looks like grandma. Oh, this is our grandma. That's fine. You know, ease them into it, sure. But they're going to have to do it eventually.

Let's not kid her. I mean, at a certain point, you have to pull the Band-Aid off. And we're going to eat Grandma tonight. And that's what she would have wanted. And that's why I, well, let's just not talk about it. I mean, you know, what do you want, you want grandma to eat you? Is that what you want? You want your grandma to eat you?

You can have that happen. I can bring, you have another grandma. You want that? You want that? No. And the kids start crying, don't kill me and eat me. And you have to hug them and tell them you love them. But, you know, don't have a question you again because you're the patriarch of the family.

And, you know, look, not every moment of Christmas is going to be all egg-dog and sheer, you know, challenging your son to maintain your dominance in the patriarchal structure is a part of the holidays. That's just a part of doing business in the holidays. You know, I mean, it's probably the time of year when in days of old and days to come, you would just, you know, this is the time I challenge my father. And, like, you know, maybe I'll kill my father today. And, you know, stabby, stabby. And, like, you know, but then sometimes he's like, oh, I'm better with a knife, step, step back. And then either one of you die because you put pretty bad with a knife. Because, you know, let's be clear, you're living in a shelter.

You're not part of a barrauding gang of butchers who, you know, cyberpunks who steal fuel like mad backs and probably interface with, you know, stolen electronics in their brains, like in cyberpunk movies. You're not part of that. You're just some fucking dorks. you know, carving up old women in your weird fallout shelter. So the knife fight's not going to be, you know, it's not going to be Rambo. It's going to be two relatively weak men trying to assert their dominance over each other.

And it's going to turn to a slap fight. Your knives are probably dull as shit. You don't even know how to learn to sharpen the knife. Get a wet stone and what's the other thing called? You know, hone your knife. Sharpe it and hone your knives. But, yeah, you're not going to be the alpha boys of Christmas. You're living under the earth because the alpha boys are up there, you know, eating the chickens and the pheasants and the eggnog, having sex with the women, hot women.

What are the hot men? I'm not trying to be sexist or cichet, whatever the termina. I'm not trying to be it. I'm just saying, teach your kids, you know, embrace the darkness, the kids. come because look the reason you have christmas in this time of year is uh that it's a dark literally dark time of year the light right the whole winter solstice thing well we're going to a dark phase of you so you know they're gonna need there's gonna be christmas every week and just keep your tinsel keep your you know make your little uh trees make a tree out of like a human skeleton

if you have to um just paint the green get some green paint i would get some green paint now in it because you're going to need to basically take the rip cage off your dead grandma once you eat her the first time well the only time you know for um and you know paint it green that's going to be your Christmas tree which seems you know macab but uh macrob seems macrob listen to me um that's for you guys I don't do that much but it's not having something it's not it didn't come from me I didn't invent a listen I don't even said listen to me or whatever that's that's for you guys that's your little Christmas gift but you know paint it green painted army green or forest green

Kelly green what green Christmas trees are and then you know your grandma is given back you've given your grandma uh in this case your mother your kid's grandma a purpose um you know she would have wanted it she would have wanted keep telling yourself that about how much she fought um dark times to come but you know it's all about your outlook you know

You don't think people had enjoyed the dark ages, the middle ages? Maybe they didn't. I don't know. Maybe life was in a sufferable mess. And the concept of joy wasn't even invented yet. I mean, the concept of childhood is relatively new. You know, the idea that kids would be in school and not working at a bodega, for instance, hitting on my girlfriend every time she comes in and you're thinking she's not going to tell me about it.

Yeah. You're done, kid. you know that's no anyway um this kid this kid thinks he's fucking smart i mean i'm we think she's gonna leave you from me leave me for you ridiculous um anyway so yeah teach your kids is my point stop being a bad parent teach your kids to butcher and eat and you know survive like sarah connor the christmas terminator This is a fun. This is a fun time.

This is the festive cump. Tune in. Here's it. You get the I'm a wine princess bitch shirts. You can see him being, you know, Tim Dillon and Ben Avery wore him on the latest episode of the Tim Dillon show. They look great. They're available in sweatshirts out. You get a hoodie and a crew sweatshirt.

You go to bonfire. Let's see. Bonfire. Let me find the link for you guys It's on my Twitter page You got my Twitter page If you're listening on the show You know

Go check it out Because it's cool It's like a wine bottle With a butcher knife And he says I'm a wine princess bitch Great real The women love it

I think Ben said his wife Just loves her shirt And she's like most of the time She wears it It's great you know It really It fits that whole Women's you know

Certain women love wine And they love that It's really a great gift for women. It's a great gift for guys. It's still masculine and aggressive. It's the best of both worlds. Wear them together. Uh, so bonfire.com slash store slash comp. The link will be in the description of the episode on YouTube and check them out. Get them now. Get them while they're hot. Get them while they're available. Uh, the hoodie's cool. I might get a hoodie. Um, yeah, and, uh, designed for the Patreon. I'm going to do some cool, uh, watchalongs on the

patreon i think and uh whatever in the patreon episodes are great anyway it's all it's all fun we're doing crazy stuff um sign up twitter instagram check me out you know it's all big things are coming up in the new year big announcements um earth shaking i think you'd call it real game changers so uh you know get in now become part of the comp team now and uh you know let's let's let's run this so you know i'll talk about you you guys soon. Have a great week.