Kump - 60 - Larry Kump

Episode Date: January 25, 2021

Ray rants about his stolen underwear, breaks down the hero cycle, and makes a case for why he should fill Larry King’s shoes. Sign up at patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. Thank you for joining us. I have terrible news. My, it's been a theft in our family. you will, or household, I feel violated. Dare I say raped? Is that appropriate? I think the use of the word raped is undeniable here.

We keep saying rape culture. I mean, why can I be the victim of rape culture, even if it's not rape? I mean, it's just, it's a culture of rape-type, rape-adjacent things. Is this going to screw up the algorithm saying rape so much in the first minute of the podcast? I think it only affects with it if we've been. put it in the description you can't curse you can't curse the first five to seven minutes or else we're going to be out

we're going to be booted by the algorithm we're not going to be put there next to premium premium influencers and YouTubers you know they're not going to put the Kump podcast you know who's someone that you put on the on the company the Phoebe Bridgers is Phoebe Bridgers video I want Kump to

be right there with this Phoebe Bridgers that you brought up last week um whatever we'll we'll get there we'll start we'll start you know burying the lead on my rape culture uh but what happened my underwear has been stolen from me um I don't know I didn't think we lived in a dangerous building I didn't think we lived in a place where I would be just violated constantly but if I don't get my packages and like you know you get a notification on your phone like your package if you don't get down there in five minutes someone just takes your they built cages in the lobby to protect our packages people don't put them in the cage maybe they're being stolen from the cage but i i was not feeling well earlier this week i had some kind of stomach virus kind of bug i ate a

whole steak i didn't feel well uh it was doing keto i just stopped doing keto. I had to postpone my keto because I ate a whole steak by myself and my tummy got very, very turbulent. I made you a nice bowl of oatmeal. It made me oatmeal to sop up the fluids, whatever was going on. I was just chugging Pepto-Bismol. So I didn't get my package the first minute it was available and I go down to retrieve my package. It wasn't just my underwear too. I've also gotten snoring aids. things to stop, you know, because Lucy's, you know, on her last, what's the word last, she's going to burrow a screwdriver into my skull.

I was lying in bed next to you. For some reason, we changed rooms recently so we could turn this room into a studio. That's behind the scenes. That's for premium members. Well, look, it's important to the story. That goes in the DVD. So I'm pretty sure the walls in that room are a little bit different. So for some reason, I hear you're snoring a lot more harshly in there.

Maybe just getting sick of me. Maybe. That might be true. And me, you know, telling you how to talking to the mic properly every minute a day. Am I not talking? No, you're doing fine. But like, this is because I've been berating you. No, I'm kidding.

But I've been lying in, yeah, I've been lying in bed next to you with my eyes. I mean, it's like I would never kill you. But I, for a moment, lying in bed next to you, just not being able to sleep at like 5 o'clock in the morning. Like, I understood women who will just, like, caught her husband's dicks off. Wait, wait, that's that way. That guy abused her. The Bobbitt boy?

John Wayne Bobbitt. Did the Bobbitt boy abuse her? Yeah, he beat her and stuff. Oh, I thought she was just crazy. No, he, like, I'm pretty sure he abused her. I don't know for a fact. That makes more sense. This could be an urban myth that Gloria All right started.

I don't know. But I was under the impression. Look it up. Look, it's the only thing you can, if you want to make some kind of defense when you're being, you know, credibly accused of, cutting your husband's dick off that's the thing you well apparently it could be snoring too according to you

look at the it doesn't matter I guess but you know it's fine so I got a mount guard which I didn't get and uh and some headphones I got other headphones for it all worked out in the end that's not the point of the story but the point of the story you know because

she's doing fine now she's got these jelly headphone earplugs it's great uh we're in love again but the point is uh someone work really well Yeah, well, they can advertise with us if they want. We'll let them know.

Yeah, they're getting a free, a free advertisement. Unless we can tag them. Can we tag them and say you should advertise with us? Because no one's advertising them. Mac, or they, is it brand Mac? Mac earplugs. Get, pay me Mac earplugs. All right?

I can tell, I can do a whole testimonial about how my girlfriend almost cut my dick off. And then, you know, we'll put that in the advertisement. But someone's out there thinking they got an HDTV. I guess not that would be a big box But maybe an iPod they thought they got They snatched from me They thought they got some kind of You know

What do you look at what's on the screen? Who is that? This is a young woman Lorena Bobbitt I was looking at Lorraine of Bobbitt She's cute All right well let's try to hook her up with her Well let's do a three way over Lorina Bobbitt

And then you could both just You know sacrifice my dick to Bahamut or Baphmet So did she go to jail for that? I don't know He did a porno didn't he? Yeah, he? I'm pretty sure he did it, porn. A dickless porno?

Oh, man. Well, they put, like, a fake dick on them or something. They retrieved his dick. What do you think he just walks around with no dick? He's got some kind of dick. He's got some kind of dick. I don't care about, when these guys are like, oh, like, you know, I could never lose my dick. If I would kill myself if I lost my dick.

I mean, I would just because I'd be dribbling pissle over my hand or something because I wouldn't know what happens down there. But other than that, I, you know, whatever, I'll just, you know, I'll do anything. Stimulation of myself. Yeah, I think when you're missing a dick From where a dick is supposed to be, it's probably It probably fucks with you physically. I'd be, look, I'm not saying I'd be, I wanted to happen, but I'm not going to kill myself. I'm like, oh, I can't, you know, have sex anymore.

Oh, like, it's just always these guys who like, you know, all they do is pretend to have sex and play pool. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this fucking pool cartel. These guys who play pool and, you know, talk about fucking. that's not you know i got a lot more of my life going who are these guys is what you're talking about just this is like wannabe alphas where are they they're out there long island they're guys who think they're do think they're hot shit they have then they have weather

equipment in their backyard there's one guy i remember who i worked with who used to have like weather equipment but he was like a man's man but for some reason he was a weather nerd and uh i don't know i i he just he was like 55 years old and he wore a like a puppy vest and he was still fucking, um, random horrors at bars at 2 a.m. And like, whatever.

I'm just, I'm not that guy. I don't need to just fuck random horrors all day. I got a podcast. Uh, you know, whatever. Um,

but yeah, some guy thought he got something great and he's opened it up and you're seeing my underwear. Yeah. And, you know, I mean, it's new underwear.

Um, and they, and they sent me a new package. So I'm fine. I'm like, I feel like I'm an insured guy who's just, you know, like,

steal from me. So I'm, I'm insured up the ass. You have all kinds of colorful underpants now. Well, don't talk about my color. I didn't, like,

I just ordered a reasonably priced package. I didn't realize it was going to have a salmon colored, like underwear. I don't really use that. It looks nice. You're going to look cute in it. Well, you're going to look like a little sailor.

Sailor? I don't think sailors have plain white underwear. I don't think so. I think they have white and blue striped underwear. You mean Navy sailors? Yeah. Pretty sure. I think they probably dance around and some.

brightly colored underwear maybe in the british navy maybe um so yeah dance red it's just the boys you can do it you think so you think he's gonna try and keep maybe that guy stole my like storm out guard and thought like uh like he's gonna use it now he's not gonna snore and he'll stop being in poverty and break the cycle of stealing yeah you think he's impoverished you think he's a rich guy stealing for laughs um that's a good question i mean i i feel like probably someone in this fucking building one of these scumbags i live with who just sing every five seconds they we're near the elevator and i hear people singing and then at first i'm like oh is it like the seamless guys you know i don't want to yell at them because you know whatever they're doing their job i've

heard i think i've heard the exact guy you're talking i want to fucking kill myself every time i listen to that guy i look he has a very like musical theater cadence i'm i don't well i don't what you're trying to say no no but he's like he sings like that like he sings like he's doing yeah yeah i'm about to go out in the hallway and just start screaming at him i mean i'm not gonna i don't want my if i lose my dick i'm not going to kill myself but hearing him i want to kill myself or lose my dick either way cut my dick off i mean it's just i hate all hour and there's no it's no regular hours just like anytime he's out there he's just like singing something i'm gonna go out there with a hammer I'm going to start hitting my own hand.

Right. Because, you know, like I look at a guy who would hurt you with a hammer or try to, depending on how good you are jiu-jitsu or whatever. You know, maybe you can avoid, you know, I mean, a hammer is a great weapon. I've always said this. It's the best weapon you can use, like, as far as, like, because you're walking around and, like, I just got a hammer. I work in construction officer.

Don't stop and frisk me. Go get a guy of a butterfly knife, you know? That's historically your strategy. It's just an aggressive self-harm. Yeah, well, that's a good point. Because, you know, I famously, for new listeners, if you're not aware, I had a bully one time, you know, trying to, you know, trying to make me feel less than.

I forget what he was, you know, hey, this and this. That's my impression of the bully. Hey, you such and such. But now I just got, I guess got into his face in the locker room and started screaming at him. I'm going to come to your fucking house. one day with a fucking gun. And I'm going to fucking blow my brains out your front lawn.

The fact that you can't remember the kinds of things he said to you makes me wonder. Like, was this guy really a bully or was this just some kid who was trying to connect with you? Hey, like shoes come when you get him. What is that supposed to mean? You call me, you call him my family poor? You call him my family poor. I swear to God, I'll come there with a machete and I'll put it right in my leg, my femoral artery. You'll make your mother watch me die.

But yeah, I want to go out there with a hammer But I got to hit myself Because, you know, it's the thing I look like I would use the hammer So I have to, in this case This is more of just The cops want me They want me bad

They see me like, look at this fat turd Ooh, let's get them boys And they just want to fucking put me in the NYPD Patty wagon, beat me up You know, like one of those awful victims Of police crimes I mean, they're not awful. Victims of awful police crimes.

I'm just saying, like, you know, I'm a target. So I got to hit myself with the hammer. We'll move on. I mean, good luck to you, whoever has my, unless it's that singing fuck, and then not good luck to you. But otherwise, if you're just some poor guy who's just trying to make ends of meat

and you thought maybe there was a bologna in the box, I was getting rare meats, which is not, you know, you're not one day soon, we're going to start getting rare meats in the mail. So, you know, keep trying, I guess. Keep, keep at it. But for now, you just got my dental. What is it?

I never used one before. It's supposed to, like, shove. It's supposed to go into your back of your throat and just shove your tongue back. I didn't use that when I talk. I think it's like a normal person. You need something to shove your tongue back at regular intervals. Hello, hello, sir. That'd be great.

I should order another one. So what else is going on? We have a tragic death in the American family, as it were, keeping the family theme going. Who is it? Mr. Larry King. Larry King is dead. It's tragic. He's a legend, an icon of broadcasting for decades, I guess, right?

Yes. I mean, I remember. American and Russian? Oh, because he ended up on R.T. He ended up on R.T. That's not great, right? I mean, look, it is what it is. Well, what is it?

Russian propaganda network. Yeah, right? I mean, even if it wasn't, it's just not good. I mean, I'm not like the kind of like, oh, like, you know, to faint over some other country having a propaganda outlet too. But like, isn't it kind of weird that the KGB or the FSB or whatever is like cheaping out? Like they spend millions probably on like putting little microphones into like, you know, into porcelain ducks. and you'll have a chance of an ambassador will hear it, but they're cheaping out by getting, like,

the worst comics in New York to, like, go work for them. They're right to their stupid shows. I mean, you know, is it like... I wonder if they know. Like, I wonder, like, when whoever is in charge of, like, the propaganda wing over there, I wonder when they watch that Lee Camp Show, whatever it is. I wonder if when they watch it, they're, like,

like we really missed the mark on this one you couldn't get mark norman this ain't the daily show did you offer how much did you offer dancer uh yeah i mean you know it's not we have a russian daily show operating out of uh where it's in dc right because it's i mean look honestly now it probably is as good as the daily show but like they they started it back when john stewer was like yeah i mean i feel like trevor no was still all of you know as much as he brings it down he elevates it a little bit above what are that shot is this shots fired are we starting a few are we doing sure we're doing shots fire um yeah but they had larry king they must know they must know it's not great i've talked to people who like or you know i've tweeted

things about this and people who i know who i know who wrote there before they like the tweets they know it is like it's like someone's going to pay you to not you know have to like you know scam tourists in the middle of Times Square to come to your stupid bar show I mean is it worse than I mean I still take the scamming I still try to beat Torres over the head but you know it's I get it yeah no but Larry King basically kept

I watched some of his show on RT he just you know he just kept being Larry King yeah what role do he changed it's not like he changed oh he's just reading ads for like oh and you know let me think oh and the

the capitalist pigs or what is Russian propaganda even more like they're not really anti-capitalist what does it go it's just like all they do is so chaos now if you believe if you believe the whole narrative of you know a lot of people question even you know the leftist question it now the whole Russian spy I mean I think is whatever like is every meme a Russian mean now everything's Russian memes right apparently like instead of like you know trying to win hearts and minds they just make shitty memes and tell you get your grandmother to like you know spread lies i don't know i don't know what russia's all about anymore yeah it used to be about at least they get look that's the thing about these myths you can

at least when you pretend that you're a communist like Stalin wasn't a common was he maybe he's still fall into the comedy like or was he just a murderer i i mean look i feel like with all these like dictated under Mao Stalin yeah eventually like you start to hear i feel like i've read read this somewhere that it's like all roads lead to the actual actual marks writings being censored eventually they're like we don't want people to see what this actually no my point though yeah but there was nothing going on there yeah because I mean look Mao look I mean those those farming reforms just needed a couple more years

those land reforms and then you know then you would have been saying hey got I break a few eggs to make a 50 million eggs to make an omelet right Because famous, if you're not familiar of history, Mao was a farmer, right, or a gardener. He had some good ideas. This is not important. But, yeah, land reforms. Point is, what are we on? Oh, Larry King.

So, yeah, I mean, he didn't. It's not like he had Putin on, and he was like, what are the benefits of torturing gays in Chechnya? Like, he just kept on talking about, like, you know, he just kept on talking to, like, musicians and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. He was just, you know, talking to Tom Cruise going, how you get your hair so slick? Right, right.

Yeah, the Danger Zone. That was a good song. That was your flick. It was your film, the Danger Zone. You mean Top Gun? Yeah, danger zone. What was, but yeah, so, like, what was his role even? He was, like, because we pretend like he's his newsman, but he didn't, like,

I mean, during the rise of the, you know, white supremacy in America, whatever we want to call it, like it's that. Or heroes Whatever you want to call Um Candyland What the fuck out Yeah but like he's not the heart

He's not Ted Cupp Who's the guy Dan Rather Who's like still on Twitter Trying to like you know tweet Like he's like 15 year old girl Like you know or boy I guess Yeah I'm trying to be misogynistic

But Dan Rather is acting like He's a badass Because he's like Hey Trump you're a loser And it's like yeah I bet you grab a gun You were like 85 years old. Why don't you just do something?

I'm not saying you got to set it. But, you know, grab a gun and go start waving it around Times Square. Just make a scene. You know, Dan Rather could have changed. Imagine Dan Rather just went into Penn Station and started waving a gun around and going, I want things to be a certain way. It would peak our... Those exact words.

Hear me out. Have someone interview me and I will give you a most of the directives. I don't remember. off the top of my head, but here's a gun. I mean, it would have got people's attention. They don't know. He's just tweeting like a, you know,

he's just like the guy from Eve 6, this band that goes like, ah, this was hard in a blender. Remember that song? Yeah. Put your hard in a blender. And then like somehow this guy that was just, people keep retweeting him.

He's on my feed. This moron, he's trying to be like a leftist. Stop trying to be leftist on Twitter. No one cares. No one likes it except for, even the, And the leftists will turn on you in a second. They're disloyal. They're disloyal.

You know, I'm not talking about, you know, there's the never-trumpers, and there's the leftist, and then there's the bagg, whatever, the Patriot boys. Yeah, the left doesn't, you know, they don't circle the wagons. No, there's no, like, you know, leave our boy alone. Right. There's no, uh, Moses' moment. What that mean? I don't know.

Moses Malone. When Moses circled, circled the wagon. When Moses condemns cancel culture on the Mount of Olives, said, you know, look, I don't, it's important that I hear when you disagree. How's it go? My rights. I may hate what you have to say. Oh, but I'll defend your right to say it.

And also that golden calf, no good. Yeah. Right. I like the idea, like, he left those people, by the, Moses. And he came back like a week later And he just built a golden calf It was like a media I was just go

Fuck we need to God Meltdown Like apparently these Israelites were all slaves in Egypt Had enough gold like jewelry on him To melt down and make like a giant gold They were probably a little If anything if it was real at all

A little calf Right But they make it seem in the movies Like it's just some giant thing Like weren't you all slaves in Egypt Like where does gold come from? The Pharaoh give you they missed the part with the pharaohs like and also Moses is like a god you know with the

plagues he's like and also give them some gold for their troubles no it wasn't part of it yeah anyway they saw him part the sea you saw him do oh wait that was after yeah right that was that was after the sea party these motherfuckers are like you know what that was what have you done for me lately all right we need a golden cow uh and then he'll give us some whatever like bread I think he's one food. Eat the gold. I mean, I didn't know anything back to it.

I was eating gold. Anyway. Why did we get into Moses? I don't know. Larry King. So he, I don't know what. But anyway,

you were describing with Dan Rather. Larry King is like a step below that. Yeah. Larry King is just like, you know, a nudge. A guy who's just like, you know,

he just bothers people. He had the whole thing who's signed for the, what's the name of a show? Right. Yeah. And he was like, and then, that's a great way of describing

he was just a professional nudge yeah uh but you know this is not to condemn larry king no for whatever reason we felt we felt we felt we needed that role filled yeah i mean then they got rid of him four years ago but whatever needed that whole filled uh then that pierce guy

who's friends of trump or whatever he then he's anti-gun but i'm i think i look all i'm saying is the reason we're bringing this up is i think i want to make this known share this video for this purpose, I want to be the new Larry King. I want to be the guy who interviews these people. I can do a better job, and I'm younger, and I will probably die in two years anyway. So, you know.

What do you think you have in common with Larry King that makes you? I'm self-harm. I look weird in suspenders, just like he did. Greasy face, like he's just always a scrunched face. um abrasive right yeah so you that you could kind of get under people's skin oh i get yeah yeah i think we should we should set up some you know you want we should do a demo okay yeah we'll do a demo you have some people for me yes i do uh okay let's start with let's start with this how would you as the new larry king right uh uh hello

should i do larry king's voice or i'm going to do a hybrid we could see how far we Hello. Hello. It's just me, but, like, is, hello. I mean, look, you're not bad at impressions when you really try at them, but, like, maintaining them is not. I'm terrible when I try. I randomly, I landed on Obama once, and I could never do it again, but I did great for a minute.

Hey. It's my Obama. Hey. The people. Barack Obama, hey. What is that? what the people they want freedom and they should have it this is christopher walkin at best

look i didn't say really it's not at all christopher walking like it's just some guy give me something to say what's your like what should say those religions uh how about my fellow americans uh well you know dictate the speech to me give me something to say like like something i know i'll say a pledge of allegiance okay okay the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States of America. The Republic. A third republic for which it stands. One nation under God.

This is a great... This is Barack. Wait, is that Barack? Yeah, what do you think I was doing? Whoa. No, I'm saying, like, I felt like I was sitting in a room with Barack Obama. Don't give. Don't, don't, come on.

You're being nasty now. Being a very nasty woman. I'm saying it was spot on, baby. You're being a nasty woman. I'm trying to encourage you. Just like Hillary Clinton. I'll be Larry King. So let's, who am I interviewing?

Okay, let's say you're interviewing Mike Pence's wife. Mike Pence's wife. I don't know her name. And I'm not going to find out her name. We're going to refer to her as Mike Pence's wife. Hello, Mrs. Pence. Hello, Raymond Larry King. How are you?

Do you, I'm fine, don't worry about it. Do you regret that your husband didn't die in the Capitol building? Of course I don't. I love my husband, but I would be lost if he died. Wouldn't it be great as a, because you're a religious person, the martyr thing, he could be a martyr and then you could, you know, tell all your, uh, your, your, your wenches. Look, I don't think it's my place as a Christian woman to hope that someone... When you're a kid, we'll kill one of your kids.

Like I'm saying, instead of your husband. We kill you one of your kids. They're going to be a martyr. What do you think? You want one of my children to be killed? Yeah. I mean, just for the sake of democracy. I mean, I don't mean, I'm not going to murder.

It's not an assassination. But what if we, like, put them in the position to die for this country at the capital in that day of a time machine, wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't that be nice for your family, like, you know, legacy? I don't see how it would be nice for anyone. I think it'd be good I mean I think you're being obtusier

I mean Look look look I mean you talk a big game But people don't like you A lot of people Some people do But you remember you had the fly shit You guys were like covered in flies

Well that was my husband I wasn't covered in flies During the debate Well don't get cute with me All right Don't you I'm saying people think you're like a dumb whore I don't think the American people

Think I'm a whore I mean look I think some members American people may be critical. Did I go too far? What? Calling her a dumb whore. What?

I think I don't respect the bounds here. Well, I just don't think that's a, if you're going to call anyone a dumb whore, maybe like the conservative, religious wife of Mike Pence, wouldn't be the person. Oh, okay. So you're a dumb whore. I think, I think the American people know. You offered to fuck me for money right before the show. That's clearly not true.

It is true. I mean, she's, you see, I can't, I can't, I can't not get aggressive. Do you want to do another one? Yeah, sure. What if you were interviewing Connor McGregor, who just lost his most recent match? Okay. You're going to play a man?

Yeah, sure. I mean, I'm not going to ham it up. People can use their imagination. Be a man. Be an Irish man. Oy-to-do-do-do-oy. Yeah, that's what he sounds like, honestly. Hello, Connor.

Hello. So why did you, you know, you lose so bad last night? Why did you lose the fight? Are you kind of, are you a big fraud? Oh, you know, Raymond, I brought my best game, but sometimes your best game isn't good enough. If you talk a lot of shit, now you're not talking shit.

What if I bring a gun to a fight? What are we going to do then? You're going to act like a big hard guy? You don't think I could shoot a fucking guy who does Jiu-Jitsu? I'd, uh, why don't, why don't you? You think I'm talking on a bitch who can't shoot a guy because he's the karate chopping?

What the fuck you think you are? You think you're some kind of fucking Spider-Man? Why don't you just face me man-to-man? Why do you need to- Because I'm smart enough to bring a gun, all right? I got guns and I'll bring them. I'm not afraid to get and stopped by the cops. I'll bring a hammer, but I'll have a gun, too. I'll have the hammers with a diversion, and then the cops will take the hammer away.

I still have a gun that can shoot you with the gun. You fucking, you come from Ireland, you don't even bring a gun. This is why you have no fucking country. This is why the British. You know, we fought the British. I didn't, but other people did, and you come from a country where they fucking go, maybe we'll put a bomb in the mailbox and kill a kid.

Am I getting, are we losing the Irish vote now? First impressions. Much more aggressive than Larry King. Yeah. Definitely changing up the legacy. Right. And that Larry King would be more, I didn't feel like his thing would be more

that he'd be passive aggressive. Okay. He would, uh... I can't do passive. Yeah. But, well, that's the thing. You're in case. I try to be passive aggressive.

You're not capable of being normal aggressive. What do you mean? I'm ultra aggressive. You're ultra aggressive. Okay. Let's do another one. I'll try to tone down the aggression. Okay.

How about Malala? Okay. This is a good one. Malala is here on the show. Hello, Malala. Hello. Great to be here. This is a little awkward.

I'm going to be here. Okay. Whatever. You can talk over me? you're a guest in the show you're not the host I'm so sorry we don't need more of you I'm I just told you

I just told you I just told you talking too much and you're talking more so let's just you get off the wrong foot well you're leaving these spaces of silence where you know well I don't think apparently think she's a big show here feels compelled to fill them

I like to leave moments of suspense and drama a cadence if you will and you are just So let's start these of you over. To be fair, I am a world-renowned women's rights advocate who... Can I be honest with you? I don't know who you are. Who is nearly killed because of her commitment to women's rights in the Middle East today.

You know, I think people might have an interest in what I have to say. I mean, it's also kind of selfish, isn't it? Like if someone was... It's like if someone came at me and I brought him with a hammer, like Con McGregor and started hitting him with a hammer and shooting him, am I a men's rights activist or I just not? want this guy to kill me you defended yourself I mean I wasn't going to bring this up

I mean I was shot by the Taliban advocating for women's education for girls education I didn't know who you were I honestly I didn't know who I honestly I was break the forward well I didn't know who she was shot by the Taliban that's terrible oh that's terrible

oh see I didn't know that I don't know that um well I think I think I think you got the gig babe all right I mean you think it's a good you do one more let's do one more how about phoebe bridgers phoebe brittes phoebe brittes so we got on the show today phoebe bridgeers

why isn't you a name bridges what are you trying to prove here what is this got her yeah right this interview over mic's muted aist Yeah, like this is also something I'm going to do in the show. So respond this time.

Yeah. Why is it your name Phoebe Bridges? Well, um, see you muted. No can fucking hear you. You're done. It's great, right? Good. Yeah, no, that's a great interview style.

Muting the guests, Mike, completely. Yeah. Not even when they get out of line just from the beginning. Well, because I'm being aggressive. It's a preemptive strike. Grand for strike because, you know, like, but honestly, like, you have a famous family. It'll be self-serving. Co. You saw Phoebe Bridges.

Oh, are you related to Jeff Bridges? Maybe she is. Maybe, you know. That's a terrible question for an interview. No, well, first of all, it wasn't a question. What? If her name was Phoebe Bridges, that would be the absolute worst question you could ask her. First of all, it begs, the name begs the question.

second of all I wouldn't necessarily ask it I'm saying is it'd be a benefit of being named Phoebe Bridges all right that's what I'm saying and I'm also saying I don't think it would be

because people like Jeff Bridges you know who's in True Grit is it is it Is Sebooshemi the star of true grit and is Shibu Shemi the star They play the president And the contender

With eating the star The Shark Sandwich No, it was Jeff Bridges. It was not Steve Bouchemy. Yeah, was Steve Bouchemy and the Big Lobowski? No. He was. And there were a lot of other actors.

Oh, yeah, he was. Yeah, see. Yeah. You're not playing, you know, you got to play it back at me. But what are you typing? I'm typing. I'm just taking notes. Just play it back to you.

Anyway. Remember when Steve Bouchemie was in movies. The point is it would be... Producer note number one. Point is, it would be good. Second of all, Bridgers is a dumb name,

objectively. No, it is a dumb name. Thank you. Yeah. You agree? I totally agree. It's a name that does not come off. It's like, why am I saying this?

You resent saying it. Yeah. Because Bridges is like, oh, it's a bunch of bridges. Maybe your family built bridges and were killed building bridges. Probably. A lot of people die building bridges.

I'm not the guy building bridges Don't fucking come at me with that shit I'm just saying But bridgeers is just like What's a bridger Someone who builds a bridge That's a stupid word A bridger is probably like someone who like

You know it's like it's like the people Who own the bridges That were being built Was she some rich bitch Fucking think she's better than me Well let's start the interview over I've got Phoebe Bridgers here You think you better than me

uh yes fucking bitch and let me meet her no one can hear no one can hear her uh

yeah I think we we can move on what no it was fun it was good I think you got it look I mean give me the job uh

I could have prevented the rise of white supremacy I could have prevented um other you know horrible things what else we got going well we got there well we were talking about Russia before there are protests going on in Russia right now right I saw that there was a something going on where Russian kids were

pelting the police with snowballs yeah snowball fight what's that about looks fun what's the deal there you got historic I don't know what's going on there's some guy in prison is it because of ever snowing no it's because of a a critic of the government It's for Roger Eber A. O. Todd, whatever's name is from New York Times? Yeah. He didn't like, he didn't like, what's the movie that came about? Tenet was, you know, overblown and overbuilt.

And then, you know, Putin was like, I like this. Putin thinks that, you know, Christopher Nolan's a genius. Yeah. He thought Inception was just, you know, he was, like, he likes to think about the fact that he gets it, no one else does. Right. That kind of guy. But I do like to imagine Putin being that kind of guy. No, you don't understand because, you know, it's the most...

He's the guy who is like, he does get... He legitimately gets the movie, but it's like he tries to make it, like, make more sense than it actually does. You understand, they sync up. The different things sync up in the different time. Like, you know, that's why time's moving differently. No, this would actually happen if you had a certain... It's all about physics. It's a real theory.

That's to do with Joseph Campbell in the hero cycle. You know the hero? You ever hear the hero cycle? The hero has to go. Bring up the hero cycle. I want to see what the different stages of the hero cycle are. Joseph Campbell. Horstit.

Joseph Campbell is basically his dude who, uh, I don't know, he studied a bunch of movies like Star Wars. And he's like, look, I found a pattern, uh, all these movies have. It's kind of thing where it's like, if you boil, I need, like, oh, we're all Adams. We're gonna share Adams. It's like, yeah, that's not important. Like, you have to boil everything down to a super common denominator for any of it to matter anyway.

There's only 12 stories in the world. Go fuck yourself. All right, you can't write shit. You wrote some kind of play about how you were a milkman who was like, you know, also a spy, you hack. I bet you had some awful scripts he tried to sell like Rod Sterling or whatever for the Twilight Zone.

And Rod Sterling just flicked a cigarette in his face. He told me to get out of your mutt. You write like a fucking... invalid you read like an invalid crackhead and he took his dick out he started pissing all over his own floor that's how mad he was Ross Sterling from the Twilight Zone was so mad that he just took his dick out in his chair and just started pissing all over his floor he goes see what I'm doing here this is how mad I am and you you're such a hack no yeah it is it is true that like every person who writes those books about screenwriting and I read them sometimes like I kind of like things being

boiled down like that sometimes but it's like it does But it is true that it's like every single person, including the most popular ones who write about screenwriting, have always written some horrible, egregiously horrible sounding shit. Oh, yeah. Like, it's Eddie Moretti, the skateboard racer. Like, it's like, it's never anything that sounds good. And aliens give him a skateboard made of gold.

A1 number one. Yeah. And then the girl, the big tits, comes over and says, sit on my dick. And that's, you see, that's the dark night of the soul. Right. Is when the big titted horror comes and sits on your dick. Whose name is Missy Bitsy.

Mitsy Bitsy comes over to the skateboard kid and then shits into a fucking bucket. It's just also perverted people writing these things. I'm going to, for this structure, I'm going to break down my own screenplay. Mitsy Bidsey, the Tinsmore. Missy Bitsy the Tits McFuckhole Anyway Did you want to hear some parts of the hero cycle? Yeah, sure

Well, number one is the ordinary world This is when you only guess This is when you fucking realize, oh, my world I'm just the dumb fuck who lives, you I got to go to work like these people are all like supposedly communist But like they view anyone who lives in an or like goes to work every day It's like oh my life sucks so much it's like what like just fucking this guy yeah he works the plant

let him work to hair let him build a car he's you're not better than him because you fucking write stupid books right go on do you want to hear yeah this is where the heroes the hero exists there's no i get it well the next one yeah call to adventure oh yeah he's a guy who like hey don't worry about the fact that you did your boss is like a real prick he's not going to let you you know you got build cover You know, fuck that. You got to go save some whore.

Some heroin. The heroin. I think you might be describing drive. Yeah, right? Yeah. Maybe this does work. Drive was pretty cool. Refusal of the call.

Yeah, like some guy, yeah, because this is the thing. With the guys, like, no, I can't do it. But you're some fucking Marxist who's like, no, no, no, worry about your job and the fact you feed your kids and that's an honorable thing to do society doesn't matter sure go on meeting the mentor this is an old fucking guy he's just like he's trying to pump himself up judge of campbell here oh i'm like i'm basically the mentor was me i'm the one teaching you he thinks he's the mentor was missy bitty horse grip the mentor is that's the wizard yeah any any any dumb

It's Obi-One-Kanobi, like, you know, we're trying to less people. It's usually some kind of standard, magical standing for a pedophile. Yeah, it's like some guy who gives you ancient knowledge, you know, which is basically like it's all inside your asshole, though. We got to get it out of your asshole, and then you can learn from that. This is a learning experience, okay? Going off of that, the next step is, you know what this is, crossing the threshold.

Oh, yeah. It's, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, that's the threshold you're crossing. Fucking cat, pedophile, cannibal. Fucking hero cycle. The hero cycle, you know, the hero cycle is, it's an asshole. It's when the, he's kind of fuck. It's when the mentor goes, look.

This is a hero cycle. I've been, I, let me see a hero cycle. I've been teaching you a lot, haven't I? Yeah. And what are you going to give me in return? The hero cycle is when the kid, when a kid, he fucks some other kid. When it turns into a ring. It's all cycle.

When the abuser becomes, when the victim becomes the abuser. When the intergenerational violence starts, the sexual violence between generations. Yeah. Is that thing? Is that what tenants about? I can never tell.

I watched Tenet. I mean, it seems like parts of it are really dumb, but then like they're fighting, they like, there's some Tenet Army, the Future Army, and they go in the past, and some of them go into the future and they're fighting,

they're going to meet in the middle. That doesn't make any sense. The dumbest part of Tenet. They're dumb. And look, maybe it's, I'd be down to watch it again, like, see what I'm missing, but it's like,

the dumbest part of Tenet is definitely, spoiler alert, is definitely when, like, they're in this boat. It's this woman, the protagonist, which his name is protagonist. No, the man's protagonist.

The man's protagonist, the main guy. Then there's this woman he's involved with, and her abusive husband, right? And it's like they have this plan. Like they have this whole plan. Spoiler alert.

You know, elaborate plan built out. And then she just throws them off the boat. Yes. It's like what happened to the plan? Yeah. No, it's just it's she didn't follow the plan. She's a chaos. She's a what, you know, call Young would call the trickster.

She's a little trickster. Yeah. Okay. The next one is tests, allies, and enemies. what's that one uh you know allies or you know uh friends of the guru who you know also give you not but it's other pedophiles and then the enemies are the cops come on this is all very bit we're done with this guy i'm done convincing the world that joseph campbell's a fucking scumbag um let's do one more because this one has a fun name okay the very last step is

return with the elixir oh god I mean, it's not even trying to hide it. What could that possibly return with the elixir? Look, I, look, you don't want to get this fucking roofy, but it's actually fine. You take it too. That's literally, like, I got raped. Now you got to get raped. It's not even fun.

This isn't even fun. This is like if someone showed you a bunch of pedophile stuff and was like, make, you know, make this look like a pedophile. It already is. Yeah. I feel like I'm not even, like, fuxing here. Yeah. I feel it's a hat on a hat.

Yeah, I feel dirty now. But have you gotten to this, Russia? Yeah. Right, yeah, Russia. Snowball fight. Okay. So why, who were they protesting? What's going on?

Well, there's this guy named Alexei Navalny. It was like a critic of the Kremlin. Okay, of the Kremlin. And he was arrested and they're protesting his arrest. Yeah. With a snowball fight. It's just cute. This is the country that's trying to take us over?

I don't understand what's going on. Why aren't the cops? And they watch this. They're just getting hit by snowballs and doing nothing. Yeah, they're probably, honestly, they probably are like packed snowballs. They probably hurt. Yeah.

And there's cops. You know those cops wanted it. Like, you know, they're looking in America going like, I mean, they used to say like, oh, blue jeans and rock and roll. and they go, oh, we could shoot people? Or, like, as cops, the cops are like, oh, we could shoot people who, like, wave, you know, guns in the air or, like, not even have guns.

Right. Oh, the guy pulls out of his wallet, we could shoot him. I got to get hit with snowballs. It's still the same thing, though. It's still looking at America going, like, oh, this is great. Like, people in America, oh, like, oh, you know, there's an opportunity, and then you can get a job, and you can become rich. You're saying I could shoot poor.

people that sounds nice i mean is no one getting hurt i feel like someone's probably getting shot right i mean look i'm sure people are going to get hurt i mean it's like i don't i don't think they're going to like i don't think they have a gent a gentle attitude towards protesters they might show it in a different way they might uh you know i guess the cameras will go off at some point and then people just get uh murked I mean, look, I don't know, I don't know, do they do, do they do, I mean, I know they kill people, but it's like... The Russians kill people. But like, do they do that to, like, street protesters still?

Like, would they do that to... Well, I mean, I don't know. Did they ever, like, just always do that? I mean, you're painting Russia. I feel like at some point they would have. I don't think every protester in Russia ever was killed. But they were bringing you to the gulag probably. Yeah.

And they had, like, those, you know, the kind of like the show trials for a while. I don't know. Do they have show trials? I think they just brought you to a gulag and you just stayed there. There's a whole thing you disappeared in the night. I mean, the gulac paroac repelago is probably fake too. Everything's fake. Nothing's really, what was it,

Gulagapelago? It was written by Solgenisksin. It's really well written. It's probably, oh, it's probably all, there's nothing real anymore. Or maybe it's totally true.

Or maybe it's totally true. I don't really have a, you know, a dog in his fight, but just, I do remember reading that at one point, like the Soviet Union brought out his ex-wife. Told Janiskin.

So, yeah. And, like, his ex-wife. And he snored so fucking, this motherfucker wouldn't even get a Mout guard. He claimed that someone stole it, a lot of his underwear, that lying fat prick. I swear to Christ. Apparently, like, she said that, like, you know, he, like, he fabricated a bunch of stuff.

And it's like, but, you know, it's one of those things where it's, like they do that too. They trot out family members. He said he made me come. I never came in my fucking life. This guy's got to prick the size of a dumb tack. Someone please fuck me. It would be great of all of volume two of the Gulag Archipelago is just about like it's

him bragging about how well he can make women come. Look, I got my wife here and I just fucking make it come. Anytime I want, I fucking stick my finger right in the mouth. I tell her I'm the I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the, I'm the gulag daddy. And I'm fucking, I feed her borsed while I'm fucking in the ass, and she loves it. And she's like, if you ever tried to fuck me in the ass, I would cut his dick off, like, Lauren Bobbitt. Because she wouldn't know the name, like, you know. Yeah.

Like, Lauren Bobbitt, the porn star. Right. And, uh, whatever. I'm just saying, you know, do people even know what we're talking about, Soljit, the Gula Copelago? Is it? I think Jordan Peterson re-popularized it. Yeah, I think a lot of people know about it now because of him. Yeah, I knew about it before because I'm a.

worldly guy I read the first 10 pages when I was in 10th grade yeah yeah that's how it goes you're a little dilettante was a dilettante someone pretends like a charlatan someone who just kind of like you know it's like they go they waft from you know interest to interest yeah a little bit of this a little bit of that

I built a synthesizer when I was in eighth grade and it wasn't very good they only had to like but you know whatever it's did you no so fucking everyone's like oh I put together a DIY kit. No, I've actually built it. I built a voltage control oscillator. I have a 5-5-5 timing circuit.

Don't fucking come at me, which is stupid hero cycle bullshit about how you bought some kit from some company that makes, like, synthesizer modules, and you just soldered some shit together. I mean, whatever. You know, I fucking think you were.

What were we saying? What was going on with this protest? I don't know. Where are we in this? Well, you know. Have we enlightened the people? all about this protest? I mean, look, I don't think either of us fully understand

this protest, but like... Aren't they trying to pretend to be Americans? Did you show me? Was there something? Oh, yeah, there's this girl on Twitter who I saw who's like TV... I thought you were saying that was Lorena Bobbitt. No, no, I mean, she doesn't not look like Lorena Bobbitt. Does she... This girl

gonna kind of ridiculous? Look, this is her explaining how protesters can pretend to be American tourists you know, when the police try to arrest them to protect themselves. I'm American.

I'm American. I'm American. I'm American. If you're asking people how to say, I'm American. She's teaching people how to say, I'm American. And, obviously, see, the, the hotel. The hotel. Why is she doing this?

She's doing it because she's trying to teach people how to, like, with a believable American accent. how to say, I'm, I'm an American, I left my passport at the hotel, you're violating my rights, like to get out of getting arrested. Well, you know, because Americans famously say, like, five words.

Like, I'm not a kid. Like, it doesn't make any sense. It's like, it's like you'd be like, hey, look, I'm an American. I love myself with the passport. It's like, I'm American. Left my thing. Like, how dumb what he's rushing guards

is anything that can do this? I mean, look, that's the thing. It's, like, because they're Russian, they might just hear the words and then be like, okay. No, because it would be like, if you were Spanish, like, if I was pretending to be Spanish. I don't think a lot of these police officers are bilingual or anything.

Yeah, no, no, no, you know, you don't get this. Because if I, if I'm some cop, if I'm some Johnny, you know, kill you a cop. Bang, bang, motherfucker. Johnny Murkowski. Yeah. And some fucking guy comes, you're, you're, the cop and I'm the guy and I'm pretending to be Spanish

and I'm like Ola Biblio take that guy doesn't speak Spanish you've heard a guy speak Spanish you're a Moldega's like I'm not coming to the impression but it's just I spoke I think her American accent was a little

bit better than that Spanish accent I'm saying is it's jilted I think the idea is like it doesn't have to be that good because like they're not they're not really sure what an American accent sounds like the accent's fine it's the pact of like you're you have you're saying three things over and over and over it's it's just no one no one's i look you bring a hammer how much should they love film critics that

they're fucking letting people the people are learning american accents by the way i think it's just like oh he's not film crazy he's a fucking kremlin critic he's not a film critic imagine like riding against the cops for roger d'epard ebert His review of North was kind of unfair. He famously trashed the movie North. If you watch it, it's a fucking hilarious movie. It's a cute film. It's very, look, for a kid's movie,

I watched it a few months back to see if it held up. Morton holds up. It's actually a really funny movie. It's got a lot of, and Roger Ebert trashed it. Now, imagine if I could put Roger Ebert in a cage because of that. I mean, you know, jawless Robert, Roger Ebert,

the end of his life. I can put him in a cage. He's dead now. But imagine if I come. could have with no jaw and he's a prison cell and I'm feeding him I'm feeding them things that are hard to eat with with no teeth like like big steaks and like no knife like chew it just chew it's it's rare so it's tough whatever you know it's more I don't know but you know is it worse it if you get him when he still has a jaw is it worth the rest I really like

to like give him taffy and say it's all you can eat hey Rob Reiner says hello Yeah You fucking mutt I don't know I mean I like Ebert He also trashed A clock worker orange I think Did he?

When it came out Too many tits Too many tits in the codwood orange I don't think it's too violent But he also famously was the only guy Who defended the wild bunch In some screen early screening Everyone was like

Maybe he didn't trash a clockwork orange Then maybe I'm thinking of someone else Because if he liked the wild bunch Why would he trash a clockwork orange? Yeah, I also don't think, like, I mean, he knew who Kubrick was at that point. So I don't think he's like just, who's this scumbent Kubrick? Fuck this guy. I don't know.

Maybe he just jerked off too early in the clockwork orange and if it got bored. Are you looking it up? Oh, yeah. No, he really panned it. What do you say? This is interesting. He says Stanley Kubrick's a clockwork orange. Yes.

Stanley Kubrick's a clockwork orange. is a paranoid, is an ideological mess, a paranoid right-wing fantasy masquerading as an Orwellian nightmare. It pretends to oppose the police state and forced mind control, but all it really does is celebrate the nastiness of its hero, Alex.

Can't necessarily argue with that. I mean, look. Oh, God, where do you? You fucking bring in the, uh, look. You cancel culture to mine with my house. Look, it's a, it's an interesting take on it is all, I'll say. It's a cool movie with milk comes out of tits statues.

All right. And they go fuck some people up and there's rapes. And then they, and they, like, they dress like fucking, they dress like they're moving a piano, right? Is there what piano movers wear, like the stupid jumpsuits? I guess. They dress like, they're airbrushing a fucking Ford Fiesta. Look, I love a clockwork garden.

It's great. It's a great. It's a great film. I would even say it's a beautiful film. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like. But it's like, but it's, look, well, that's the thing.

It's like, it's like, look, that's the nature of like doing a complex thing in film. Is that it's like you're, it's this strong. The book is like this too, where it's like, it's really strongly from his point of view. So it's like, I don't get this whole thing. I'm saying is. like who gives his shit they're wearing little droopy hats and they're and they're dancing around he's doing singing the rain he's pissing into a fucking corner he's he's hanging out listen to bate oh well hold on hold on it's a crazy hold on he's singing sing it to mystery britt's point he's not just

singing singing in the rain he's singing singing in the rain as he rapes a man's as he rapes a subdued man's wife yeah he's fucking it's crazy weird movies my point It's just out there. It's just crazy stuff. He's just, like, I like Beethoven a lot. Like, all right. Cool, dude. Oh, the glorious ninth is like, yeah, yeah, we get it.

You like Beethoven. Can't shut up by Beethoven. I mean, I like, I like the Ninth Symphony by Beethoven. I'm trying to think that you like, you like this weird version of a clockwork orange where all the violence is stripped from it. And it's just British men being silly. Can you imagine going up to like two teenage girls? A blackwork orange is just the silly.

Brit hour to you. Can you imagine going to teenage girls a record shop and be like, have you ever heard of Beethoven and not being like a perv creep? Like, I mean, who would ever go home with you?

Hey, you ever listen to the jazz? You like Benny Goodman? Anyway, you want to fuck? Come to my place. We'll listen to Eugene Krupa. I mean, it's just crazy.

It's craziness. They have, they're like a bar, and they just have, like, milk. They don't drink milk with, like, pills in it, and it comes out of a tit. It's crazy. Why were you, like, look? Who's looking at this movie going to, we should organize society, like, Clark Regar. Right. Oh, I got to draw my philosophy about life from this.

Why can't it be a weird movie about tit statues? I don't understand. Fair enough. Why can't people just, why can't things just be what they are? Oh, this is a right-wing thing. was against a left-wing thing. Well, probably, to be fair, probably at the time that it was released,

there were a lot of people, there were a lot of douchebags, probably, like, waxing philosophical about, like, you know, how this relates to the fucking, like, women's movement or something. Like, there were probably, like, people being like,

well, if you can't just rape women, then who's to stop the government from peeling your eyes open by force? Well, that's a good point. Like, that guys make a good point, though. Like, you know, is safety worth, is not getting raped worth your liberty. I don't know if those things are mutually exclusive, right?

I think as Thomas Jefferson once said, give me tyranny or give me rape. Famously said that. It's one or the other. You get tyranny and get rape. It's going to be some raping. I mean, that's just, I think that is the inherent thing is like, look, sometimes you get,

that's why I'm not a libertarian anymore because I realize that the whole gimmick is like, look, sometimes you get raped. I'm like, well, that shouldn't be. Why can't we just change, you know, cross down out and, you know, not a lot of rape also. We want a lot of freedom. People, it's just a sad fact of life and existence

that people tend to be dumber than the things they consume. Like, at its best, art is smarter than the people who are ever going to consume it. So it's like, you know, so it's like, I don't know it's four. It's like, it's like, it's like, I don't think it's supposed to be exact. I think it's supposed to be this extreme dichotomy. Well, that's a great point. You either, you're the too dumb to get it.

Right. Or you're too smart to like care in the context of like passing bills for him to make laws. Like who is he, who isn't that fucking sweet spot where it's like, no, I totally understand the point here. And therefore, here is my proposal for the Constitution. Is there something in the Constitution that says, like, you know, as seen in Fight Club, the society doesn't, if we don't blow up a credit card company, you know, it's problematic. So what's about that? Also, religious freedom.

Yeah. So did we cover Russia at all? I don't remember. I don't think we did. Look, we use it. Russia is a good jumping off point for a lot of things. Sure. But I hope that guy's okay.

Me too. You know. It's just been great. Thanks so much for listening to everyone. We'll be back. You know, if you want to hear more of the Kump podcast, we have the Kump Patreon. You can sign up for that. The links in the thing here.

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