Kump - 64 - Goon Kump

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

Ray and Lucie talk about the Lady Gaga dog kidnapping, why all gymnastics coaches should be suspect, and Ray shows Lucie how he’d bust McDonald’s union. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. It's a lovely night day, doesn't matter. I have water. I have some soda off to the side just in case, but people have been pestering me for years. Why do you drink so much water? I mean, some people like the soda. When I chuck a two liter of soda,

I thought it was my trademark. But so many people in my YouTube comments seem to want me to live, which I don't understand. Like, I'm supposed to, you know, fade away, you know, better to burn out. Explode. I'm supposed to explode like that fat guy that Monty Python movie.

Just eating one more peppermint and then I just shoot myself in the gut and all of a shotgun and all that pizza and treats just come spitting all over some child. I go, that's what you get. I'm still alive.

I'm screaming. Don't do what I did. Shoot yourself in the face. And the parents like that wasn't the right message to give our kid. Like I'm fucking shot myself. I'm done. Oh, got one.

Hurts. But yeah, but I have water. I'm changing my habits of consumption via liquids. You're selling out. Yeah, I'm selling out to the water conglomerates, the word consortium. I have like a very effete regal man. I only drink water because I have a new bottle. it is a

should we name them you know who you are if you made this you're a big company give us money and I turn this around and they see who it is you get that's how we work

but it's got a filter built in that this fuck is anything and get a free advertisement right here it's a tease huh you like that you like you can imagine imagine me telling everyone here

about your company how great it is they don't want me they don't want me this fat maniac They're going to kill them so every day, every episode. Just don't turn it around. No one, we're not a feeling.

I imagine them by paying to put disclaimers in front of the... Yeah. Like, uh... They'd rather you lie and say it was a different company. Right. But, uh, should I say it then? All right, here's the deal. Give me money.

Well, no, I can't do. That's extortion. Mm. This is a fine line. But, uh, I have... It works in tandem. I bought a fit bit. why am I advertising them but whatever that's that's a colloquial term uh this thing tracks my

steps it tracks my gyrations when i will they yell at you not you but you know people and there we know i don't i don't scream i verbal when i demand when i demand things uh will i ask for help in the bathroom it tracks it uh it you know and i log to my phone when I'm drinking a whole bottle of water and now I'm drinking water because it's like I never thought I would be that kind of person who like could feel like I'll get in a fit bit it's like a game

I don't know it's more just keeping track I'm not motivated by this stupid fucking it's giving me rashes yeah look at this it's ruining my life Lucy this thing is supposed to help me and it's giving me rash Well, is it a rash or is it just tight?

I don't, what do you mean tight? Like tight on your wrist? It might be tight. It's loose enough now and it's like so these rashes on my wrist. Sometimes if it's too tight, it leaves a little wrist more. No, I think it's just this leather band they give you, it's rubber band. I'm getting a new band. I'm, look, I don't need your help.

I mean, Fitbit wants to send me new bands. Great. Well, you may have sensitive skin, which is why I've recently tried. introducing you to fancy creams i've put cream on before but i'm introducing you to fancy creams i know the cream yeah you know give me some fancy cream where is it i rubbed fancy japanese cream on your on your cheeks you did you rubbed some kind of lotion some kind of cooling aloe lotion they really don't want us advertising no we're going to do that as a as a form of terrorism corporate terrorist they have like selina gomez oh do they you know brand and bass

Oh, no, what's the name? Tell me. Gomez. What's name of them? I put nothing on but Dasha. Nothing goes on this face except Daja cream. It is so not what I said. What did you say?

They have to whistle a louder and headphones on. What is there? I'm hearing the same thing. Really? Yeah. I wear nothing on my skin, on my back, where the pimples are, but Don John cream. That's it. You got it.

Don John. Is it Don John? What is it? Tacha. You didn't say a T. Whatever. Whatever. I put Tachar all over my sores, all over those things in my leg where they go to the hospital.

Yeah. And it's amazing. Yeah. So, you know, I'm getting, I'm getting myself all sorts of different, you know, whatever. I'm not doing keto at the moment. I'm doing an egg sandwich thing. Yes, you got a. An egg sandwich maker.

Some people might call it an impulse buy. I saw it on Amazon Fresh while I was buying salad. I get more salad equipment. I need, you know, greens and I needed cucumbers. and I saw a like sandwich maker I said you know this seems like this is this is it I just realized I've been saying for months

I'm just realizing now oh fuck they got me the whole information like I'm always like oh they steal his information from us and what do they're going to target that they showed me that they I just

oh my God I'm They knew how badly. Let's throw... No, we can't throw it out. What's her... I'm kind of pissed. You're pissed that you got got? I could never get got?

But now I'm realizing they're showing me every time I buy an egg plant. They're getting me. You're the one who introduced me to the concept. You're the one who made me fully appreciate how truly effective grand advertising strategies are. You were like, you're like, you know,

then why you're like, they've been hugely effective as a source of problems. Appaganda for decades. Yeah, but that's like, hey. But you don't think you can get got it. Hey, I'm a pepper, you're a pepper. Hey, and like you just like it.

But the idea is that they would show me something that I would want to buy, and I ended up liking very much. I'm glad I bought it. Infuriates me. You don't like the idea that you're being targeted advertised, too. Well, I talk a lot of shit is a problem. I talk a lot of shit about who cares they steal my stuff. What are they going to do?

sell me dick cream right which i could maybe use dick cream yeah different creams what are you getting all this google yeah why don't you sell me some fucking sausage doesn't go bad in two days i buy a whole box a fucking weeks worth of sausage and i don't cook it in two days i'm fuck but no yeah we we target that's what i want sell me sausage that's what i want sell me sausage that isn't going to spoil in a day. Uh-oh. Functions, okay. I thought I stopped recording.

The X sandwich maker is very good, though. No, it's great. It's great. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Daddy. Thanks, Daddy Jeff. Daddy Jeff Bezos. Want you put it right?

I want to put it deeper, Daddy Jeff Bezos. Does Daddy Jeff Bezos want to foot rub? I do like the egg sandwich maker. I'm just kind of noise. yeah i'm just a simple like everyone else well think about it this way i mean the egg sandwich baker it makes sandwiches breakfast sandwiches that are very similar to what you might get uh from like mickey d's from mcdonalds what what excuse me from where you never call it mickey d's from where Mickey i can't hear that what was that i i used a nickname you're trying to do a

And you fucking said, you're trying to be a little nonchalant, and you said, Mickey D's. You've never, you've never called it that? First of all, no, no. I've heard it in commercials in like the early 90s when like McCauley Cogan and Michael Jordan were like stuck in a, you know, a studio together with like literally a milkshake that's made out of literally Elmer's glue and like fries that are like propped up with like toothpicks and they're for six hours because McCulley Calkins

probably the heroin you know relapse I think they might have said Mickey D's in that commercial you know coming Mickey Dase and the only person who ever said her to say out loud in real life was you hey hey guys you want to go to Mickey D's and then maybe

we can talk into a microphone and my lapel pocket you know like you know what It's a narc. It's a narc thing, is my point. You know what's crazy? Mickey's, that's what's crazy.

I do think. Because it's so difficult, because I've been trying to work up to getting a transition so casual. Yeah. That you can't take an issue with it. But I'm so conscious of the fact that you're waiting for me to do that. But we, look, you need to understand that. Your ears are hypersensitive. You need to understand where the show is coming from here.

The show before you became the co-host and producer, you're the co-host. But you also, you know, do a producerial role. Whatever. But you're the co-host. Yeah. You're doing stuff. Yeah. You're integral to the operation.

But before you were around, I, this has been discussed at nauseam. You know, I would be talking about, you know, Dion Sanders, the football guy. the football man uh whatever and then end up you know talking about uh the waco you know standoff sure uh the branch divinian cult and then like you know how do we get you know like i just need someone to keep me from just going off the rails we don't need this is not like jock radio i know it's not i know it's i know it's not but here's a thing in my quest to find a casual transition. Doesn't need to be able to do it just once. But here's what it just happened, right? Is I knew it occurred to me that if I said McDonald's, you would instantly

bring the hammer down on my transition. Why? But so my brain's way of getting around that. Why would I bring the hammer down on the transition? Because we're talking about it before. You make it seem like it's... Because you always do. But I, but I, but here's the really the crazy part is that I think in my head in that moment I was like I can't just say McDonald's so what's a more casual way of saying McDonald's Mickey if you if you were in if you play if you had the Caprio's role to the parted like as soon as like as soon as he brings the hand out of the bag you're like I'm a rat I'm a cop I just can't handle I come into the bar and I'd be like so what kind of shenanigans

are we getting up to today, huh? Hey, what are you got to plan to there? Because my sergeants really busting my balls to get something for me. Fuck! I can't believe I blow it. Oh, fuck. Lucy departed.

You're a double kid, ain't you? Oh. Okay, so what were you talking about? You want to keep talking about Daddy, Bezos? I don't. Yeah, no. What? Is that what we came from?

Was there something about McDonald's that came up that was supposed to be transitioned into? We were talking about something they did. Well, I was going to say, you know, it's like it makes pretty good McDonald's-y egg sandwiches. Okay. Right? No, it does, yeah. Yeah. They were just spongy eggs.

So we could stop maybe, we could stop serving those corporate overlords for our breakfast sandwiches. but yes and submitted daddy vizos instead right i think what you wanted to do was get into this idea of our in the larger picture the minimum wage uh which being raised a 15 dollars an hour right yeah did not pass in the the senate was trying to do a reconciliation which i guess is like fake budget shit but like the republicans do it to like drill in alaska so who gives a fuck and i get it And sure, but like then the parliamentarian of the Senate who's just like the narc of the Senate, the rule guy, you got on technically, technically we can't do, technically we couldn't invade Iraq, but we couldn't do this. That's his job.

His job is to say, well, you can invade, who else do we invade? Grenada, Panama. We're the big ones. Afghanistan, right? There's Vietnam. Vietnam. Those are all fine. I'm surprised you thought of Grenada before Vietnam.

Seems a hack. But. But yeah. So they did, but he decided we can't do it. And a lot of people are upset, right? Yes. Not great. And I don't know.

What do you think about it? Do you think people should get money for working? Because I know. I think all labor should be volunteer-based. I think sausage chicken and muffins are so goddamn good, Even though I can make them at home now, I still don't, like, there's such a good recipe that, like, why should the guy who makes you get anything? I don't think people should be paid to work at McDonald's, but I also think McDonald's should be a public utility. Interesting.

Maybe you make that trade. Okay, so how's that work? So, uh, I just get free McMuffins? Yeah, everyone is entitled to unlimited McMuffins. Who's going to make them? Volunteers. I'm not even going to say the implication. scripted volunteers.

I'm going to stop, stop right now. Do you realize the system you're describing it's been illegal for a while? I'm not even going to, it's a hot topic to say, you know. People working and not getting paid. That's true. I mean, I had a slight of a slight joke, but you want to conscript them. yeah so no of course i mean i don't understand uh because this country is fundamentally not sound we're not we just don't do anything we don't do we don't pay it look like i'm not some

crazy like i give everyone every entitlement i mean like maybe we should do something about social security right maybe we should but we just won't do anything ever ever like we don't do anything unless it involves this is my thing you're not going to really solve anything on the left and here's why i'm sorry to tell you i'm not happy about it and and the answer isn't like because there's a really a problem it's not fault of the left per se there's a lot of things there are the fault of the left or the leftists right like technically in my opinion but this fundamental truth is that like because there's no you need because the military industrial complex is done by sociopathic monsters to gain tremendous wealth and conquer the world.

But, like, no one's going to become a sociopathic monster to give you health care. No one's going to become a dictator to give you a free egg sandwich. It just doesn't make sense. And that's the only way anything works in America. That's why we're moving to Australia eventually. I don't know when. I don't know if we'll be allowed to. But that, you know, it's a dream of mine to drink Foster's.

straight from the water fountain and just fucking live in the sun. The river's flow with Foster's there. Foster's logger. Even the ale is nice. I don't know. I think I need to get a boomerang. Anything. Point is you have to be a monster, right?

Well, yeah, sure. I mean, do you think that's particularly true about the United States or do you think it's true is because there are other countries that have done policies like this. It's United States. It's just us. We're a bad country. Fair enough. I don't know why. I don't know. I didn't start it. I didn't start this country. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just telling you, it's like, oh, well, you spend this money on tanks and prayer the drones. Yeah, because someone's making money. Sure. No one's like, we're not having some kind of like debate, some grand debate. about like, you know, where people like, you know, Sophocles and fucking Cato or like, you know, having them, like, eating olives and grapes and shitting all over themselves and discussing the ins and outs of whether we're not to drone strike a, you know, a wedding in the, in the Pashtun Valley.

Is that, that's a place where he? They landed at that one? They landed at that reference? I'm not sure, but let's assume you did. Yeah. I don't know, wherever Massoud was from. He was one of the guys in Afghanistan. Anyway, what's my point?

Where are we on? You were wondering if, so the $15 minimum wage. I would like it. I don't know why even now, even with all that said, you think we could do it. You think, like, yeah, it's been a while since we gave minimum wage a raise. it's kind of you know the pandemic i mean we got you know these democrats got the congress

and the senate and the house and the president and it's like we can do this regular so why they even listen to the parliamentarian just throw that guy why don't they just pretend the guy got like kidnapped during the capital riot right just like ah we haven't seen him since january shut up he had to have them the basement of the mcdonalds was force feeding them hamburgler socks A burglar socks? Socks at the hamburger war. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm just saying put them in the bottom of comic pizza. Get them out of here. How often do you think a live action actor dresses up as the hamburger? I mean, I honestly, if I'm being honest, I was thinking as if he was a real guy, which I know isn't true. But in that moment, I was thinking, you know, the real hamburger, which is, you know. Yeah, he's real.

All right. No, I think he is. And where's he work? Mickey D's? He works at Burger King. You're better than that. Yeah, so that's my political hot take of the year. I don't do a lot of political hot takes,

but we're living in a despotic system. Yeah, well, I mean, with McDonald's, it's also it's not just that they're underpaying people. It's also like they have like corporate spies. Absolutely. Who are like infiltrating. Like spying on Burger King and McMendys? Union bust. Trying to find out what's in their Frosty.

Trying to steal the Frosty from Wendy's. They're probably having it. You motherfuckers. Every goddamn week I tell you, get me a Frosty with fries it in so I can figure out how to make it. Now you can't. You some bitch. My wife's leaving me.

They're probably trying to actively unionize Wendy's. that'll be good for them oh you know what when unions come into this I thought they're stealing from Wendy's no McDonald's has corporate like they have they make these like a sock puppet social media accounts that they use to like union bust and stuff

like puppets I think that's what you call them sock puppet oh that's like actual I think about like anti-union sock puppet shows like Sifflin Ali hey kids remember what marks be a good worker The hand burglar sucks.

Collective bargaining makes me sad. So what? They're going online McDonald's. McDonald's is paying goons to go online and harass union people? Yeah, it appears to be the case where they'll go online. That's really smart. Yeah. Why don't mean you think of that?

I don't know. Are they hiring? The thing is. I think I'd be a good goon. I think you'd be a good goon too. The thing is, I don't know. know if they're if they're pretending if they're just like threatening people and harassing people or if they're actually pretending to be other McDonald's employees like I or just like

random yeah so like if I so it all right so it's one of these two scenarios either it's uh you get a message look at your messages not really just like in your phone you're imagining a phone imagine you have a phone imagine you have a phone hey whore don't unionize Hello, who is this? Don't worry about it, I'm a goon. It's just one scenario. But we're just quite, I think we're both envisioning a thing where I'm, you know, I'd have to go undercover.

Yes. Okay. I think that's more likely. Hey, you're a, you're that chick who's in the unions, right? Yeah, would you like some information about joining the union? You know what Trotsky said about McDonald's. in, don't you? Did Trotsky say something about McDonald's?

He says, don't fucking, don't fucking unionize. I'll fucking feed you, feed you the pigs. Weird. Fishing pigs, whore. L-O-L-W-W-W-D. That doesn't sound like something Trotsky would say. He was really, yeah, he was pretty brilliant. Stop fucking around.

We're trying to make money here. Who is? is this? The hamburger. Hamburgler, bitch. I mean, if he fired the first day. I mean,

I don't know if you do that. Honestly, that'd be more effective, I feel like. I feel like when people, this generation is very savvy about when a cop

is pretending to be a student kind of thing. To explain. Like, the whole, like, the whole meme of, like,

undercover cops like Steve Ushmi in like 30 Rock when he was like oh yeah hello fellow kids I don't know if it's a common reference to make the way I said it but whatever yeah but it'd be like you know when corporate plants but if I just come in like a goon see the old unions worked here's why unions worked and here's how they were combated effectively unions worked with physical violence right I mean when there was like the other the other stuff all ebbs and flows of supplying demands of labor, in my opinion, and or, look,

you built a strong union, not gonna be wrong. Part of that was the mafia, a big part of it. And early days, whatever, like the predecessors of the mafia, either way, physical violence was happening, people were fighting each other, whether it's Harlan County with the coal, or it's fucking, I mean, yeah, they protested too.

I'm not saying everything's braveheart, but also, like, you know, Carnegie and Bill Frick, Bill Frick is having, you know, Carnegie's off from Paris or wherever, just, you know, having a vacation, or maybe he's in Scotland, where he's from, probably Scotland or Ireland. Who knows? Having crazy adventures somewhere in Europe. Yes. Point, fucking the queen.

Point is Frick, his right-hand guy, who has a Frick Museum in New York City, but this guy, they started to organize, the unionist, and he's like, I'm going to shoot you all. And he started shooting, we're Pinkerton's in, start shooting them. Yeah. So the point is, unions and management both need goons. And that's, and goons are the only thing people acknowledge. Like, you know, oh, hey, you guys, you know, it might not be a good idea for us to join the union because we actually want to get our hours cut.

Get out here, cop. Right. But it's like, hope your kids don't die. That's a goon. You know, do we do this last week? it was at least on the Patreon I forget

I don't think we No not this But just the idea Of it was As it was part of them Oh right Yeah We did do that

It's kind of motifs Everything in the show Was either me having a gun Or me threatening kids Yeah I've never heard a child In my life It's so much worse

When you announce it Well Like it has to be said It should be a nice thing we're That should comfort people Why don't why is not a soothing sound to hear me say I've never heard a child would you be better would you feel better if I said the opposite bizarre uh so yeah so let's do another one

sure okay uh hey you're that union girl uh yeah would what do you think uh what was gonna happen to your job when uh if you were paralyzed if you're paralyzed if If I was paralyzed? Paralyzed by a union goon. Why would a union goon paralyze me? Talking a lot of shit. Do you mean an anti-union goon? Yeah.

Because. Yep. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Oh. Well, that would be very scary. Yeah, but be careful. All right.

I see you later. Uh, you know, you don't want. want to be subtle as a point. Yeah, that's true. Let's try one more. Fuck Stalin. Fuck them. Fuck, communism stupid.

You're texting all of this? Yeah, communism sucks. I'm not a big fan of Stalin either, L.O.L. Yeah, well, you're into that shit, so, me, who can tell the difference? Like, who can tell the difference if I'm shooting a deer or shooting you? Union goons. signing off. Do you mean

an anti-union guiting? Yes. Thanks for correcting me. Can I pitch myself as like, I'm Ray Kump, the union goon. I'll just, it'll be kind of thing where I'll just become,

because no one else uses those terms. So it'll be kind of like infamous in the other, like those words that like mean the opposite of what people will understand them me nowadays, it'll be one of those. Sure. A union goons to be a guy who goes, it was a goon after, I go after unions.

I'm a union goon in the sense that I'm a goon who goes after unions. Let's say that you were actually a union goon in the sense that you were a goon working on behalf of the unions. Who would you goon against? Like, would you, would it be middleman? Oh, yeah, or McDonald's or at McDonald's or usual? Because McDonald's, I mean, sopranos satir, satirized just perfectly. episode with like it was supposed to be like Starbucks or whatever and they try to shake them down

and it's like I can't give it the money and it was like you know well uh you know if you don't give me the money I'll fucking squash you head whatever it is I mean the lines about I'm not David Chase yeah uh you know I like well you can do that but like they count the thing it was they bring another guy and it's like and they're just kind of like oh it's over and so the point is uh but I would find the way because I would go to I would go to um who's who what family owns McDonald's? Family does own McDonald's. It's not a family.

I mean, I was an idiotic question. I thought you would tell me it was an idiotic question. What family does own me? As if every corporation is owned by a family? The crock, it's the Roy Kroc family. Yeah. Well, who does? No, it's a corporation owned by like shareholders.

Well, oh, sure. Roy Kroc or the guy. But you have like the Walton's who are so, you know, Well, they, well, they're, I don't know if they're a publicly trade company, but they own a little stock. Okay. Well, I'm not sure the corporate structure or whatever the fuck, uh, if the public, but the point is, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can have a system if you keep all the stock, but when you sell the stock, point is, I don't know what the point is. Who am I shaking down? Roy Crock, he's dead. Uh, I'm just called a Bronn James.

He's a McDonald's rep. Oh. He's, he's, they sponsor him. Like, hey, LeBron. Uh, you know, it's Ray Kump, the union goon. Oh, hello. What's up? Not much.

Love that ball handling you were doing the other day. Like, can't miss, can't miss basketball. Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Uh, look, I got to get at your bosses at McDonald's because, uh, I got, I got, you know, threaten them with a gun. Um, well, look, uh, I did a couple of advertisements for McDonald's.

Yes, they're your bosses. You know who they are. Yeah, but I don't necessarily have this kind of access to them. Just tell me who they are. I'll just go, you know, wave a gun in their face. Okay, then it's a, it's Mr. He's going to flip? But what does he care?

That's a good point. Yeah, I'm not getting the middle of this. He got the money. Yeah. He loves his wine. I tried to send him a wine prince's bitch t-shirt, but he didn't respond to me. He's a big wine guy. He loves to sit around his barber shop on his TV show, drinking him.

wine with his NBA rivals just chatting up. Remember that time I did that block? Yeah. That's not an impression of LeBron. That's just, you know, what I imagine basketball feels like. I do, look, I know some people who, I enjoy wine myself. Give me headaches. You know, LeBron James.

It tastes nice. I love the idea of the Wine Princess Bid shirt. Thank you. I should get you one. LeBron James, who, you know, is a... I don't know if he can fit him. Enjoyes all sorts of fancy wines, I'm sure. He might not necessarily want a killer wine bottle.

He's the best basketball player in the world. What are you talking about? Why wouldn't he? He can wear a fucking tutu and still look fucking hard. Just look at just tutu and a hard cock. And he'd just be like, this is the man. Look at this fucking hard cocked tutu wearer. playing basketball

but I think that reveals something about his personality he could wear any crazy thing he wanted and yet he chooses not to all right well I mean I don't think my shirts are on the level of a you know naked with a tutu but you know

where are we McDonald's how do I get to McDonald's do I just go into a shop and just start is it like if I can just I start they always have their sheds I used to work I used to work at McDonald's. They have sheds where they keep the stuff.

The Halloween toys, not the Halloween toys. So your solution, your strategy for union gooning is going to be to break into McDonald's and steal the Halloween toys? Happy meal toys. Where are your Halloween toys? Like, what? I got a headphone gun out. I'm like, get this fucking Halloween toys. and like no one knows what I don't know what I don't know we're talking it's just bullshit

what's like Sabrina the teenage witch toys now who knows what even the kids watch now the kids just watch fucking you know like peppa pig okay I thought they're watching video feeds of ugar Muslims be we you know reconditioned or whatever they call it in China that's what the last peppa pig episode was about there's not don't you want to fit in but I would think that you'd have to see this is how I would handle it yeah sort of like the way like a hitman in an action movie handle something you go and you start with the lower level people and you get them and you put a knife to their neck or whatever or you put a gun to their head and you're like and you're like

who's who do you answer to and then they probably answer to some other middle management and then you find them and you go, who do you work for? And you keep on going up the ladder. You don't know. Because I, look, also I work separately as an event photographer for a while. And I used to, you know, for a few years in a row photograph their, I don't know what you call it.

There's like businesses that own franchises at McDonald's. It was like a franchise of McDonald's. They own like 15 of them. And it was like their holiday party of the managers. And these people don't know who, they don't know their own bosses. People are shot. They don't have anyone who's supervises them? I'm sure they technically.

These people, you're not going to get anywhere. These people, put a knife these people's neck, and they'll lean in. It's over. You know, I mean, I wish you the best. They like, they like dancing once a year to like, you know, milkshake in the yard or what that song is. And it's like, you know, just acne and just smell like fries.

And they're like, but they're ones who are like, who are selected to be like in charge. right they're like the elites but like plenty of people like I knew people like a lot successful people worked at McDonald's um and like past true McDonald's but they're not really set up and it's not like a other place where like all certain companies like it's great and you can you can do great right but like they're not set up to like train you and like give you a great career right right they're not one of those companies so the people they snare to be their store managers to goon out on everyone else i'm i know they're not in a great position either i'm just

saying it's that they know how to turn people against each other is my point and so you're not going to get anywhere trying to just like you serve a knife and there's just there's nobody knives it necks in there you need to what you need to do um i had it before i lost it um we're talking about McDonald's, right? Yeah. I don't know. Union goon. I just want to be a goon.

No, there was something. Just for anyone who offers. Yeah. What are the topics? I was link, I had my head, I had a genius transition in my head. I was going to like seamlessly move into it. Let me say something to the mic while I fucking talk. Well, both of us are just cut.

We just. Talking to the mic. have a tendency to just fall flat on her faces. You know, Lady Gaga's dogs were stolen. I was going to, I was going to transition to that, actually. I did. Why did you insist on leading? I wanted to see what it was.

Oh, okay. I had something else. It wasn't that. Oh, okay. This is not the best episode we've ever done. I feel like there are good parts. No, it's great. And then there are not so good parts.

It's, look, it's chaotic and it's fun. We're all having a lot of fun. I don't understand. All right, so tell me, tell me what happened to Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. This is destroying my life. Go ahead. I think it's just an imp-I-don't think it's a rash.

I think it's an impression. Stress pimples. Oh, that's no good. This is what, it's called a Fitbit, not, like, you know, put pimples in your wrist bit. What am I doing here? It's just, it's just a grease strap. I'm trying to get healthy. It just traps in all the grease and oils in your skin.

Trying to drink water. Makes a ring of pimples. I'm hydrating. Nothing. I've been lied to. I was doing fine before. I was going on my way to dying. So what happened with Gaga?

So Lady Gaga's two dogs were stolen. Yes. And during... French bulldogs, I believe. French bulldogs, yeah. And during the theft, the... There's three of them. Oh, there's three?

One ran away. Oh. During the theft. The arm, the arm theft. It's a bizarre dynamic I've set up. Tell me about this, but I already know, obviously. Not only the way I know, but I don't even, like, I don't even, like, play with the facade that you're informing me. I am the worst, the worst slash most ingenious broadcaster this side of, uh, Larry Flint.

There's no, there's no even slas. light contrivance of doing a show, however convenient, however smooth, however much it smooths out the process that you will not reject viciously. Because I'm authentic, right? It's why people like me. I'm a real man. I'm a real dude. No, I can't say real dude.

I mean, that's just not my thing. That's someone else's thing. I'm a real guy. I'm not trying to step on toes here, you know, that I'm not afraid to. Whatever. It's like, it wasn't a point. It wasn't a point to aggress another podcast. I'm not a real dude

I'm a real boy Whatever It is my own gimmick I'm a real goon Really? I'm a real goon Let's close Goons The goons

Podcast Anyway so Gaga had So this guy Another important thing about the story is that As the guy was stealing the dogs He shot the dog the dog walker Four times Four times

He shot him four times. Why are we laughing? Holy shit. No, he shout him four times. How is this guy alive? Is he alive? He's expected to recover fully. Oh.

Here's the thing. Here's why we're laughing because of the next part. Yeah. So Lady Gaga posts, I guess, on Twitter, wherever, I forget, a half a million dollar reward for the recovery of her two French bulldogs. No questions asked. Her words. No questions. asked her words which normally means like hey i know whoever's going to come to me with the bulldogs

is the person who stole them i'm going to give you half a mill we're going to call it today right which is her prerogative unless in the process of stealing these dogs her dog walker was shot four times had a violent felony committed against him I mean, shot four times. No questions asked. The dog walker getting shot. These people are monsters. The plebe you shot, that's a mulligan.

Look, you didn't kill him, so I was like, you know, thanks. Wouldn't matter, I mean. No harm, no foul. Here's the thing. I mean, I can file a false insurance claim if you killed them, but now I'm just out of dog walker. I'm in Italy or wherever the fuck doing it. movie, which she is.

She's somewhere doing a movie. Because that's the other thing is that like... She's a sociopath. The other thing is that like, it's like, okay, all right, so the guy survived. Yeah. This is a thing, a lot of that, because like this is a country that's just kind of littered with gun violence and all sorts of gross stuff, it's like, there's a tendency on the part of the American public event to just be like, oh, well, oh, well, you know,

there were two fatalities and like 10 injuries. It's like, oh, okay, well, it could have been worse. It's like, you know, or no fatalities, but 20 injuries. It's like it could have been worse. People, people who survive from, you know, gun injuries and stuff could be, they could be paralyzed. I mean, this article is at full recovery, I think. You could still have issues with your kidneys or something. Look, I don't care if it, if they give me a metal dick that lets me fuck for a year.

I don't want the guy who shot me four times to just, you know, get a, get a heavy. a mill and don't go on his way right i don't mean crazy here right i want my boss to fucking give half a what high society's 10 000 right what what you even call a million it's too much to even have a little cute colloquial you know ocean 13 name it's a million fucking dollars half of that and goes to the guy who shot me four times in the dick right from my boss but i i mean How much money is going to that guy? I would assume the $15 an hour that it's being paid to walk the dog. I have no love for dog walkers typically or hate,

but I mean, I'm not like the advocate of dog walkers. I'm not the advocate of dogs. I like dogs, but like in a proportional sense, don't hurt a dog. I will say that. But also, like, I'm not going to, like, you know, go invade McDonald's, uh wherever corporate you know entity to get dogs that doesn't make any sense but I'm wrong with it

right that state that sense I mean uh I'm saying like I like dogs but uh this does that up this is this is she's not a good person no now now you're gonna come to me and you go I'm a little monster that's what they call themselves right

the little monsters I comp you fat piece of shit I'm a little monster and I got to let you know the fucking we lost little monsters are going to come and we're going to give you little kisses whatever they do I mean what they got threatened me little monsters you're somebody you're a lady godga fucking you know part of her army I'm like what are you're going to do tweet at me I love how in your mind the little monsters are just you but they like they like lady Gaga I wish they were me I'm just saying like

and go, like, oh, look, she gave all this money to the guy. It doesn't matter. Questions asked. Look, best case scenario, and I'll eat my shoe. You must legally ask questions in that situation. I'll eat my shoe. Like, Werner Herzog. Right.

If, uh, that's a true story. You know? I've never heard that story. Errol Morris and him had a bet about something. I forget. I think it was Werner Herzlick. I ended up eating a shoe. he boiled some leather and he ate some of it

Is that where the phrase I'll eat my shoe comes from? No I don't know why I had to tell that story Was this a fucking film nerd You know jerk fest podcast Hey no by the way I said Werner This is Warner

Werner Werner Herzog And fucking Monsters This is what Warner does to me right you know you drink water i had it all covered and now i'm just yelling verner and yet mcdonalds whatever what was i talking about i can't cover my wrist with this bit bit i had on this wrist now it's on this wrist i can't see i can't even look at my wrist this got so much you know

redness on it i'm sorry don't make i'm not a victim right i'm not i'm not a victim uh what was i saying it was well there is a oh you know we were talking about lady Gaga yeah say no questions asked yeah yeah I mean you can't you have to

what you're telling me that she's working with the cops and she's like you know I'll tell them no questions asked but the last minute I'll walk him I'll have a gun and like is lady Gaga going to get shot trying to make this transaction happen like I'm going to capture this guy no I don't think she's is. I think she's smarter. She's wearing a wire under her meat dress or whatever.

Kind of shows that we're in the meat dress so she can hide, hide like, you know, weird microphones inside of the, but it's actually beyond meat. I don't know how it helps, but, you know, it just is. They hide beyond meat microphones. Yeah, I just, I look, are they going to get me for calling her a bad person? I don't care, but like. How can you not call her a bad person? It's a bad person thing to do, right? It's a bad person thing to do. It shows a complete lack of respect for human life in general and specifically for this person no questions asked that she knows hey hey hey please just give me my son's corpse back no questions asked just take yourself out of my son yeah no questions asked please yeah he's had enough i will uh i've been there

Like, what is this? Hey, I don't mind that you violated my son, but can you please bring my petunias back? It's what I think? I got going like, look, we've all shot a few dog walkers in our day. I ain't going to judge you. But can I please have a dog's back? Here's half a mill. Like, what is this?

This is the rich. I don't usually rail against the rich on this podcast, but I mean, we can't even get, you you know, $15 an hour for these people. Give him, look, you don't want to give him 15. Why didn't you give him 11, fucking eight years ago? Like, I'm not, I don't want to, like, you want to give me arguments about, like, oh, we can't afford it. You got to give him something, and you haven't given them something for years.

Grad, why don't we do it the right way ever? That's the thing. I feel like this dovetails kind of nicely, because the person who's currently lying in the hospital with four gunshot wounds, who Lady Gaga is going to ask nobody. questions about and apparently the police maybe are on board with that is the exact kind of person who people are arguing if he should maybe make $15 an hour yeah well he's hey don't pay that mother figure more than 11 he gets to pay he has to play with dogs all that he's getting nice it's not stick oh little poochie a little poochie no no no shoot me oh this is this is cruel this sounds

are we just making fun of we got getting shot out uh whatever um point is we're pointing at the horror Yeah. We're living in the shadows. This is dystopia. We're laughing into the void. Jump into a movie. Two monsters. We're little monsters.

I'm a big monster. You're a little monster. Yeah, that's a smooth transition for me. Well, I'm not going to try to do that anymore, but we could talk about there's this gymnastics coach. So what happens? You've got a different guy. Does anyone... You know the story here?

I don't really. But basically a gymnastics coach got charged with... Sex crimes. Did you say sex crimes? Yeah. In your article? I did see it say that, yeah. Okay, because I just sort of like 12 counts of something, a felony.

And I just assumed it with sex crimes. Because like, when they're going to charge your grand larceny when you're playing with, you know, teaching little girls to fucking balance on a beam? Yeah, there's got to be some extra scrutiny that you can put on just gymnastics people assume they're pedophiles I'm sorry I don't think they're all pedophiles no look here's some of them are just more garden variety child abuse here is the deal if you want I will assume that every coach of gymnastics is a pedophile as soon as they stop wearing one piece bathing suits to do their sports why they need to do that it can't be the only thing

Why is it, was it got a Gabby girl, Gabby Richards or something? Oh. And she's in, look, I get it. You can't tell me, make it less sexy. Make the children less wear things that would be considered less sexy on an adult. If an adult wore that, would it be sexy? Oh, yeah. Look, that's the thing.

Here's the question, Gabby Douglas. She is an adult, though. Now she is. Was she an adult when I first saw her wearing this stuff? I'm not saying I was like, that, I don't know if she's a kid. But my point is, oh, well, do you feel something when you see a kid? When I see, here's my metric. If Scarlet Johansson was wearing that outfit, would it be sexy?

Sure. Oh, she's sexy. No, she's, I mean, she's always an attractive woman. But you never go, look at her in that fucking, you know, cargo shorts that are kind of loose. No, you would never fucking say that. They'll go, look at that fucking loose cargo shorts. oh daddy you wouldn't all right so like i'm just saying if you stop putting gym little girls into sequenced bathing suits to do sports maybe i won't assume you're a pedophile first now i'm not saying

i'm not saying i'm not saying we're going to show up at your house and say no questions asked please make a sequence outfit for my kid or whatever i'm not i'm just saying it was a weird callback i'm just saying but i'm not but i'm going to assume for my own just frame of reference for the world. Oh, you're someone who could very well be a pedophile. Just like a priest. Sure, yeah. Is that a priest the pedophile?

Maybe, but probably not. And that's my point is that you can assume, but I'm not going to have my kidney or a priest. Are you on your fucking mind? Yeah. But maybe like Drake.

You know, that face. expression for so much. I was indignant. So my point is maybe like during the interview process you can hold up pictures of child stars and say you know how

what do you think about this? Are you hard? Child star. Are you hard? If they describe them like if they go like she's a beautiful young girl in a way that makes you even feel a little bit off

you're like okay no. Well yeah, well that's step one. I mean aren't these pedophiles kind of like savier than that though. Look, I might be wrong. Are these, you really think these guys would get caught by that, by that plan?

This seems like the wire, but like the first like a couple episodes of the wire, when they realize how smart Avon Barksdale's crew is, have that much more savvy they are, they don't they were? And they try, they try setting in bubbles with the hats. Hey, just wearing hats. They're like, oh, this is how these soft crimes? You can't just

ask them, wait for them to call like, oh, she seems pretty fuckable. They're not going to just say that um but i like the initiative i thought you're going to say something else well look i think you're going to show them something else i'm sure there's i'm sure there are smarter pedophiles out there but it does seem to be an interesting thing with pedophiles where they seem to like not really hide it very well like like Woody allen is a smart guy right yeah no his talented guy he's a smart perceptive guy right during that whole trial thing he went

into a meeting with a court-ordered therapist for five minutes, and the guy came out and said, oh, yeah, no, he has a totally inappropriate connection to his daughter. Oh, really? Yeah. We haven't watched that doc yet. We should watch it. Yeah.

We might do it like a fucking watch a long on Patreon or something with that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that might be good. That seems ghoulish, though. No. It's a little morbid. We're not going to do that. No.

The idea that we were monetized a fucking watch a wall. I was just trying to find ways to give exclusive. But no, that says it. That is, oh, my God, that sounds terrible. It is terrible. Superbook is one thing. Yeah, we did a great thing with Superbook, the Christian cartoon. We're not going to do that with the documentary about the pedophile.

Oh. We're watching it. It's like, that my life has been ruined ever since. So you have a quip about this? Go. Go. And on. We're just playing weird sound effects

Like Like Like Goodfellow's references Like what you're describing Sex crimes Turn it over Bring it over Uh

So this guy This guy Oh he killed himself though This guy Yeah Yeah Uh It doesn't seem to happen as often as you think

What Is she killing yourself after being exposed in this way. The Glee guy did it. The guy who was a bully on Glee. Oh, that's true. He did do it. And he ended up bullying himself.

That's the great irony of it all. You know, it's like, oh, a big bully who's thing. But at the end of the day, I bullied my neck. I mean, it's the only way to feel bad about that joke is if he wasn't a pedophile. Yeah. Which I think he was, right? Yeah. It was the kind of thing where someone planted.

If you can make it in front of anyone's suicide. be a pedophon it's got to be a they're gonna fucking they're gonna they're gonna they're gonna imagine if you got canceled for that they're gonna put me in a waistband next to mr potato head no more no more mr potato head no more cump

now it's just potato head it's fine is that really true it's just mr apparently you're calling potato head i mean uh why i mean look you want to get weird with it let's go we just call him just call him androgynous potato head or ambiguous potato head or non-neutral potato head

say it say it to the kids at least give them what is potato we shouldn't be gendered no fuck it call it fucking the patriarchy must pay but head call it the fucking you know the gender norms are suffocating potato head oh call it you're a bigot potato head

I'm just imagining you in a room with Fisher. What makes that Fisher Price or whatever? Say it. Say it. Fucking, fuck you turf potato head. You know, that's really, it's particularly crazy because you can say what you, you can make whatever claim you want about representation.

I don't think any child sees themselves in Mr. Potato Head. Yeah, but it's a reference to the existence of men. I guess that's true. Why should it be a Mr. I, yeah, I don't know, because the funny mustache was funny. I mean, it wasn't a bad toy. Mr. Potato was kind of funny looking with the eyes. And I like that mustache.

And if you want, you could buy Mr. Potato Head. Why not just release a non, I mean, we'll give it this shit. But also, I like the mustache. Yeah. I didn't care until the moment I realized the mustache was part. I mean, it's one of the few memories of my childhood that I'd like. was eating a cheeseburger from McDonald's drinking bitter water

and putting it on a tattooing cream Tatuan What's the cream I use? Tacha. Tacha. Put them on my Tasha cream while I played with Mr. Potato Head and the mustache. But now I'm going to clip that.

They're going to clip me saying Mr. Potato Head they're going to put me in a gulag. That's fine. You know, whatever. I mean, I'm not going to lose sleep, over it, you know, because, you know, I'm too busy trying to, you know, give a half a million, you know, I'm trying to become the courier from Lady Gaga and her, uh, I think I who shot her dog Walker. I don't want to be the bag man.

Yeah, kind of that. I'm trying to goon, you know, McDonald's, you know, employees. So I don't have time to, you know, lose sleep over Mr. But it's fine, whatever. I mean, yeah, I think it's a little, I think someone posted, uh, something like, oh, me, while at the factory of Mattel whoever makes this shit, there's some article, who knows from when,

about, you know, chemicals in the workplace. You're going to get poisoned at work. That's no excuse to be a bigot. Sure. Like, that's just reality. I mean, that's satire. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't. Um, um, Where can people find you? Oh, on Twitter or Instagram at the Steinbeg? T. He. He. Steinbeg. What kind of stuff do you have that?

I'm trying to vamp it to the handler. We get 20 seconds left. Tell me about your Twitter. It's great. It's great. Tell me about what? Tell them about the Patreon and stuff. You can sign for the Patreon.

You follow the link in the description, like in the bio. He had an extra episode a week. It's fantastic. People love it. People are really getting hooked. We had a great episode on Saturday. Usually it was a little inverted. I mean, we're probably going to get, I don't know.

We might stick with this kind of schedule and do the main show during the week, the Patreon Saturday, at least for now. You're getting all the content. We're not screwing out of the content. The day's money gotten flipped. I know they tell you in the podcast book, which I didn't. didn't read, but apparently he's like, don't, I'll beg a consistent, fucking do it every time, the same goddamn time.

I have more faith in you than the guy who writes a book about podcasts, okay? Sweet. Wait. Thank you. Sign up for the Patreon. Follow the show. It's all great. Have a great week.

Thank you.