Kump - 66 - Raymond Gun Hand

Episode Date: March 15, 2021

Ray and Lucie start the show talking about Bill Burr’s controversial Grammy appearance, but get sidetracked musing about a world in which Ray has a gun for a hand. Sign up at https://www.patreon.com/RayKump for an extra episode every week! Get your "I'm A Wine Princess, Bitch!" T Shirt, available for a limited time! https://bonfire.com/store/kump/

Hello and welcome to Kump. I really blew out in the P there, isn't that Kump? I just need to get a pop filter so I can say Kump more accurately. It's a hard pee. It's a hard pee. Well, that's what kind of insinuation? Is that could I pee hard? It's not, we can get demonetized again.

If we keep talking about pee in the first two minutes of the episode. Well, you made it about pee. Well, I just said a hard pee, but then you say, pee hard. This is all, these are off the rails already. The exact opposite happened. I won't. That's for, we'll see what the fans think. Hello, welcome to Lucy Steiner.

What? And welcome to Kump. Yes. We have a very important discussion to have about a very important man. A outlier in the world, a man who sees himself as Batman probably. I think he's flying around in a Batman helicopter. Just, you know, just pissing everyone off. Not, oh, what's your name?

Well, I'm going to say the different. way that's how i that's how i uh am the hero of the rats mr bill burr hello mr bill burr know you're a fan of the show uh what's he in trouble for he mispronounced someone's names at the virtual grammies or the grammy the video is really weird i wish we could play it youtube doesn't want us to because it looks like what appears happened is that someone just like it all felt really like impromptu like someone just threw him up on stage and was like, and was like,

now you have to announce this regional Mexican music award. Right. And then as, as they're coming back from break, he's going like, what is it? What? Natalie?

What? Like, he's laughing like, I know I'm going to mispronounce this. Right. Why is, what does that mean regional Mexican, like it means it's from the Mexican region, not just Mexican Americans?

All I know is what the topic said. I have no idea with this, what would, what would qualify, right, or be disqualified. It seems, look, first of all, before I forget the other thing. I don't know what you expect from, I mean, this man's most famous, he's most famous for being a helicopter pilot. Yeah.

This is what he's known for. I mean, I was asked in the past to defend Bill Burr for his transgressions. I think it's fine. I've been a fan in the past. I don't know why I'm expected to hold water for Mr. Bill Burr. I don't know why, you know. I think people may expect you to be a kindred spirit, to feel a kinship with us.

I didn't phone a helicopter. I don't know how. I can't afford one. But I guess we're kindred spirits. It's fine. I look. That's not the first thing you would do. If you got, you know, a semi-decent income being a stand-up comic,

you wouldn't immediately get a helicopter. I would probably try to turn my hand into a gun if I had that kind of money. I mean, that's just a subjective thing. I'm not, but, you know, the fact that I don't have a hand gun. Get it? It's a hand gun. Like, my hand was actually, like, I would somehow, like, jerk it. It has to be a thing you jerk in a certain way.

Like, it was snap bracelets. You remember snap bracelets? Don't lie. Do you remember them or not? I do remember snap bracelets. They were these metal. If you're too young, I don't know what you're doing to listen to the show, but, you know, cool. I guess we're hip, but whatever.

But if you're too young to remember, I'll explain. Snap bracelets were these bracelets of, I don't know what kind of metal they were. I don't know. I still don't know how it works. Some people are out there designing, like, artificial intelligence and, like, mapping the human genome. And I can't, I'm still marveling at the snap bracelet. The way you'd put it on, you'd put it on, sometimes you put it on a, on a friend or you'd put it on yourself,

but they start out all straight, and then you go snap, and all of a sudden it's a bracelet. And the metal wraps around you, and they come in different color. I think I had a pink tiger pattern on one. I assume they were intended to groom young girls. The grooming young girls into what,

for being kidnapped? I mean, that'd be a fun way for a cop to handcuff you, wouldn't it? It'd be like, like, you know, it's like one of those like wizard handcuffs. Like from the Harry Potter movies I didn't watch, because I'm not, you know, I'm an adult. So why would I watch that? Oh, she's a turf? Okay.

Like, it's a person who draws, you know, Richard Smalley also a turf. Who's Richard, you know, that little Pogo Stick person? Am I getting the name right? Richard Smiley. Who's the Pogo Stick, man? I don't know. I mean, I'm the lamb chops, the person up lamb chops ass, the handpubbubb of Sherry. Is she like a, you know, virulent monarchist in, like, you know, in Ireland?

Hmm. I don't know I don't watch child stings as an adult Whatever But we were talking about snap bracelets And they were great But you'd have to have some kind of motion like that In your hand to like

Now it's a bullet And I shoot my hand I'd be unstoppable You want to make some kind of Handgun literal handgun snap bracelet More of a gun hand hand I guess yeah and like but i look i don't want to just going off while you do little things where you like you hide your hand from people and you go hey let me go get my handgun and then you you kind of fake

them out like you're going to turn away but then you just show them your hand and they go oh i'm a gun hand and they actually shoot them and like and their child is dead and like oh my god this is you know that was an accident right you have to know why would i do that in plain sight of all these policemen why I wouldn't I just wanted to show it off I'm a rich man like Bill Burr he's like you if Bill Burr flew his helicopter into the downtown Los Angeles skyscrapers or whatever they call you know there's tall buildings Los Angeles you don't think he'd be going why like I'm not doing it on purpose it was an accident I believe him because why would he and why would I paralyze a child with my gun hand I wouldn't on purpose it's just like but

you know, I've earned a certain amount of money in this world. And why am I the only one not getting off, you know, of these charges? I mean, my luck, I'd be the only rich man to not get away with, you know, paralyzing a child.

Yeah. Just my luck. This is the daylight between you and Bill Burr. He had a dream. He wanted to use some of the money he made to learn a new skill. Sure. Fly a helicopter. Look,

he's a helicopter pilot. You want to deform your hand with metal to kill children. Not two killed, but I'm just being honest, like, that's a possibility. I don't want that to happen. I don't know how I can avoid it. You tell me how I can avoid it. We'll do it. But, you know, I don't think anyone's got any plans for how you can avoid paralyzing an eager child who's like, happiest, like, oh, he's excited.

Imagine how excited he'd be to see my gun hand. Like that moment of like, oh, my, because like, the adults would be skeptical. Do you also be like, what? First, there be somebody going, like, who is this rich, fat piece of garbage, or do you think it better than me with you gunhand? I work in the docks, you think it better than me? Or I'm an Italian plumber, or I'm a lawyer.

That's what all these adults were saying. The kids just full of joy going, gun hand, gun hand, yes, this is everything I want. And two seconds later, he was paralyzed. That's terrible. Sounds intense. Sounds horrible. This is, this is, this is, this would be the worst thing that ever happened

to someone near me. Not to me. I'd be upset, but I mean, like, look, I'm supposed to, like, I could have been shot as a child, but it wasn't. But now I'm supposed to, like,

you know, act as if my life is ruined. I mean, I'll pay for the surgery. I have the money. But if he can't walk again, I mean, I want to pay for everything in his life now. I mean, look, at a certain point, I'll pay the difference for certain,

like, I'll build a ramp for his wheelchair. I'll do things. You'll build him a ramp. I'll pay for someone to build a ramp. You'll pay for ramps to be built. That's not even necessary. There are public services for that. What?

But you won't pay for all his medical bills. No, I say I'll pay for the surgery. No. But you won't pay for his college fund. I'll pay if he has to go to a certain college that like, you know, only wheelchair kids can go. I'll pay the difference maybe. It also depends.

You'll pay money to have multiple redundant ramps made for this kid. Yeah. So he has options on ramps. I'm saying I'll pay for what I did. But like he doesn't get to become a rich kid just because I paralyzed him. Like the whole point of the legal system is to make you whole. So I can't make him walk, but I can give him, I can take away all the financial penalties of not being able to walk. but I'm not going to like pay for him to have spider legs

what do you think this is at a certain point like we all get you know bad breaks in life but like I need I'm not going to become poor again just because an accident happened whose kid is this not my kid I don't surround myself with kids so what was his dad doing bringing this kid

to my gun hand exhibition at the park that's fair that's a fair question we just go oh like you let your kid wander at the park to whatever it seems you know Interesting. You know, you know who happens other things? I'm not, because I'm the gun hand guy.

This is interesting because, you know, people, concerned citizens will look at a terrible case like this, and often they'll ask, where were the parents, right? Usually the people asking that, though, they're not the person who wounded the child. I'm like, where were your parents? Why did they let you wander off? I mean, I'm not a pedophile, but they shouldn't know that. They shouldn't have, well, you have a book. get pedophiles, you know, a rate comes fine.

I mean, I'm flattered that they know that. But, you know, it's just irresponsible. Sure. Yeah, I mean, at a certain point, you know, you're the parent. Keep me away from my gun hand. I'm just saying, you know, I mean, I wish I didn't say to him right before, like, hope I don't paralyze you. Because that sounds, that makes it worse.

Because I scream at a lot sometimes. Well, at my head, when I'm thinking about my gun hand, I just, my mailman, hope I don't paralyze you mailman. And I just wave at them. And, but I don't usually shoot, but there was a malfunction. You're like, this is, what you're describing is almost like it's, it's the inverse of Edward Scissorhands, right? Edward Scissorhan, all he wants is for people to trust him and be comfortable around him,

but he has giant scissor hands so they don't. You're actually saying to the townspeople, get away from me, stay far away from me. And my gun hand. I'm like, Arbudgewyer. I'm like, this could hurt somebody. You know, the man who famously shot himself on TV. Imagine if I was Herbert Dwyer, but I did that with my hand. I mean, that's seminal.

That would be a seminal moment in American history. Sure. So I'm not judging Bill Burr for flying a helicopter. I get it. But, you know, I mean, look, his head's not in the game as much. I don't think he's in trouble for flying a helicopter. Well, I mean, that's what I would be bringing up. If I was on the side of these people, I would just be rail,

Look at this helicopter boy thinks he's better than us saying our name, risk pronouncing our names from 10,000 feet. Can you fly a high in a helicopter? That's typically an airplane height. I'm not sure if helicopters go to 10,000 feet. Yeah, I don't know either. Tight down to Google, please. We'll figure it out.

Can helicopters fly to 10,000 feet? So you can mispronounce someone's name on purpose from that majestic height. Helicopters typically fly at altitudes of 10,000 feet. Oh, wow. You can. Typically. Not even occasionally. That's a common occurrence.

It's within Billbirds's repertoire, I guess, or his skill set to just say Kamala Harris at 10,000 feet if he wants. I think, you know, I don't know. I'm just saying it's because it's Kamala, right? is that how you say Kamala it's Kamala not Kamala not Kamala don't tell us a mr. Bill Bird helicopter pilot just don't don't even bother trying to tell him that I think he's bailing us yeah I mean to be fair to him when people can now canounce when people mispronounce that's great like coming soon can now at the grammy yeah I know why they're up to grimmy

I wouldn't even get to the person's name. And when the Grammy is the canal, how do you pronounce this? How do you can ask? What is this? It's just singing rat? Oh, it's a person. Fantastic.

Who is it? So it's a regional. Why would you pick Bill Burr to announce the regional Mexican album of the year? Is that what it was? Not even, not even the Mexican American album of the year, but the region. I'm assuming that means like from.

Mexico. I don't know how the Grammys work. I don't care they do it. I'm not like judging it. I didn't know they gave a regional. And what's like you can go to Norway? I mean, Mexico is very close. So you can kind of guess that it's probably, is there a Canadian one?

There might be. But there is it. You know, what is Canadian music? The Canadian musicians come down here. And we celebrate the way, Celine Dion. So I mean... It is ironic that like in an era where people are very, being very conscious and precise about how they're arranging representation ethnically that Bill Burr is back to announce that.

I mean, it's also like what you expect, this is a language. Is it called Spanish still? Yes. Okay. I'm just checking because it's like, there's implications there perhaps, but I'm not going to get into that. Because Spain, conquer, who knows? I mean, we all know the history of Mexico. Should it be called Spanish?

I guess so. I'm trying to be woke or at least, you know, proper i'm trying to be on the side of the angels here but you keep looking at me like i'm i'm gun hand i'm gonna paralyze you right here on the show i'm not i'm not yet uh but whatever point is but spanish is a language that has a lot of accents and they're very sensitive people are sensitive to how you pronounce the accents uh there's till days and there's accents uh i took some spanish in high school yeah i don't know i know a bit i can't remember much whatever i'm a bad person but the point is

do you expect Bill Burr, the Red Sox the Red Sox helicopter boy, the fucking after family here's my 1970s dad and why he was right about everything cartoon guy to know how to pronounce all these things no. And with this one, I don't know, I'm just one that

accents. If I was designing a woke award show I wouldn't pick him. I'd pick him to you know you know what category of the Grammys uh you know lawnmower music yeah you know uh stuff that gets played at a work work site in uh newton mass

they always boss and guys always say newton mass i don't know what that is is that where is that where newton was from the physicist probably not where there's newton mass i don't know they all settings i've been to i like boston as a city it seems it's not i've been there twice I liked it both times. I'm going to go back to Boston sometime. I'm a fan of Boston. Yeah, we should go to Boston.

That being said, I wouldn't pick those people to, like, regale the king of Spain or the president of Mexico, you know, with their Castilian Spanish language, whatever it is. I think these, that's not their forte. No, he should be announcing. They talk like the harbor. Yeah. They talk like this.

They go to the harbor. Let's go to do it in mass. He should be announcing, you know, whatever category, like the dropkick Murphys are in. Yeah. Or. Soundtrack of the Departed. Yeah.

Yeah. Best song from the soundtrack of the departed. Yeah. Which is that, look, that's a great soundtrack. So. Why can't that be a category? Van Morrison and, uh, was it Roger Waters and Van Morrison doing comfortably numb? Amazing.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't do the words because they'll cut us. Yeah. Because it sounds just like it. It was a great song. Yeah.

Uh, so Bill Burr I didn't, this doesn't be. He wants to fly a helicopter. He's not trying to bother people. He's just an ornery guy. Well, that's what I was going to say.

It's like when people mispronouncing a name aggressively. Yeah. And when they're doing it just because they're like, ugh. And when they're like embarrassed that they're mispronouncing it. If we get to the point where Bill Burr is bending over backwards to pronounce like, if he's saying like, you know, when I say I beat them.

and people get mad at me because you shouldn't be saying I beat the issue it's Ibiza but no I just I beat them you don't want Bill Byrd doing that that's when you go too far that's when the whole thing falls apart

because it doesn't seem believable anymore like he's supposed to be a knucklehead he's supposed to be like the dumbest guy to ever fly a helicopter that's his gimmick so I'm just saying yeah is it a matter of comedy is it a matter of like

yeah I mean just stop freaking out about everything yeah people are He said sorry. He, I mentioned it. I bunched a day. Yeah. I bunched to be like, he's not trying to like, he's not Andrew Dice Clay trying to like, you know, punch a woman.

That's not what this is. Yeah. It's not a, we don't have to treat him like some kind of Raymond gun hands. Gun hand. I have one gun hand. The other one is there. Raymond single gun hand. I have to load the gun hand with this hand.

But we know, maybe he's got, maybe you have bullets in his hand. I keep shooting. Ooh. Yeah. Oh, how much it does cost? I want, I want, I need that helicopter money. We'll look into it.

All right. Speaking of controversies, your political crush is in trouble again. Who's my political crush? Aren't you a quomosexual? No, I'm not and never have been a quomosexual. Okay. Look, you're allowed to have crushes on political people.

It's fine. I have never had a crush. I don't think I've ever had a crush on any politician. Not even, uh... Much less. Not even, uh, Al Gore. Al Gore was a good-looking guy back in the day. Not even Al Gore.

He was a good-looking guy. You could totally get over Al-Gore. I could see myself. Just, you know, not like, whatever. I'm not getting into it. Did people... I don't know if I want to go. But did people really, did, like, your mom have a crush on Bill Clinton or anything?

No. First of the way, they hate, they didn't like the Clintons. They were, like, more Republican back then. But I didn't even more Republicans weren't crazy. Who cares? But, like, I grew up, like, arguing my dad about Reagan. Oh, right. Yeah, they were Reagan people.

Did your mom have a crush on Reagan? I mean, I, look, if Reagan tried to kiss her, I don't know what was happened. Right. But, like, I don't, like, she was a grown woman. I don't know if she had crushes. You know, she'd be. married with children at that point yeah if you have a crush on the president oh did she send a fucking note this is oh i love your big blue eyes i'm going to kill you whatever uh she might

but um what were we get that oh quamo so you did the there were people wow it was it was just it's getting dark it was just a year ago not even like less than a year ago people were just patting their posies moist poses just patting their posies moist poses just pat on them down like a piece of pizza you know you blot the oil off pizza that was women looking at quomo patting their panties because they were just like this guy is this guy's just a good leader he's the fucking strong leader i mean i never bought into it yeah but uh people and now he's being the the senate the or the congress everyone in the delegate most of the delegation of new york the congress people and the senators were all asking from resign pretty much

every politician in new york is telling him to resign yeah yeah And he's saying no. And now that's, you told me about this. So tell me what's happening now. So apparently what's come out recently today or something is that. So there's this guy, his vaccines are. I don't know why Cuomo needs a vaccines are. You know, I mean, look, Trump wants to take credit for the vaccine.

It doesn't seem completely out of line. I mean, I think he did, look, I mean, if it wasn't for him, would it be done as quickly? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But I mean, that's at least. seems plausible. I don't know how Cuomo cannot take back, you know, he's a czar. Why, virtual states don't usually have zars. Maybe I'm wrong about that. It's more of a federal thing. Also, why do we have a czar? It's a weird,

the whole zhar thing is bizarre. Yeah, it's weird that people, like, chose to brand them as Zars. Yeah, but no, but he's his vaccines are of New York, who's a long time ally of Cuomo, who was calling county executives, you know, the top guy in the county. asking them about their loyalty in context of the multitude of sexual scandals that have come out. And this one county executive or I think is anonymous. I don't know he's anonymous to everyone, but to us, he wasn't cited in the article. Apparently he filed an ethics report. Did they say that right?

Ethics. Ethics. Ethics. Ethics. Ethics. Ethics. You got it. Ethics. Because he felt like the vaccines are being tied to the loyalty. you like we're not I can picture this is fucking they like to pretend like they're mafia type like oh well they would make the pasta and the meatballs oh you might it would be terrible if you your family and your kids didn't get a vaccine because you weren't loyal enough

to me after I was sticking the waitress I got three cases of vaccine shots in the living room but then I got to make the pasta sauce are you mad that came in the the comptroller's wife that upset you I'm Man such as me, making love to women who I asked if they've been raped or not. That was his thing last time. Yeah, that was the last thing. His move, this guy, this guy's amazing. Like, as a Shakespearean character, it's amazing.

Because, like, his whole sexual move. We thought Bill Clinton was clumsy with Monica Lewinsky and what came out in those, in the whole kind of star document, whatever, the investigation. He's just shoving cigars in their pussy. He's just, like, it's disgusting. Not like, look, if you want to do it, it just seems like, You have a vision of Jack Kennedy. Now, I'm sure Jack Kennedy was fucking, you know, popping out or all into his spine

and just, you know, coming after five seconds in a pool with these secretaries. I'm sure that's reality. But we had this vision of Camelot or Camelot light with the sex, you know, we all knew about the sex of Jack Kennedy, but he seemed like he knew how to make love. I don't think he did. But we had this image. And then we have Bill Clinton just fucking shoving, just fingering, you know, interns. while he's doing the crossword puzzle and talking to Madeline Albright.

Sure. Just wasn't, and this is even worse. He's calling up women being like, you are raped, right? You are raped, so is this okay?

Can I date you or you're going to be all weird about it because you got raped? We differ because I think it's more like, you were raped whites. You won't mind if I fuck you. You're already traumatized. You're conditioned. Yeah, there's really no way to interpret it that isn't absolutely horrible.

Oh, sure. but you know but if you have a problem with that now you your dogs and your kids they're going to keep getting COVID because we're not going to give him vaccines yeah maybe you don't get a vaccine or maybe if you cooperate you get a little faster he might be worse than Bogloyovich remember this is turning into like a historic scandal like this is turning into like this is becoming Nixonian yeah no like this guy and this guy who's like vaccines are which is again insane is say they admitted to it like calling these people look I did nothing wrong I've always held myself to a very high ethical standard I've done nothing wrong here which is only ever said

by people who've like murdered children I've always held myself the most impeccable standards of ethics those children killed themselves um so yeah I don't know does this hurt Cuomo how is it still in office it's not going to help I mean yeah it's like how is he not probably he maybe still thinks like well i'm still the guy who was in during the pandemic it was so such a short period of time ago right he's he's he barely had time to enjoy and he wrote a book about how how he like handled a pandemic we ghost through it with him right and like is it even out yet yeah i don't know it happened it all happens so fast can we get can we get him an interview with him on the basis of like his book we'll only talk about your book

but then we tell them we've been raped and we see how it tries to fuckers I mean I don't know I mean we do the podcast we do the fake podcast

we convince him we're record we're not even recording we do this podcast and then you're like okay I'm going to go turn the camera off you sit here with Luzi and you ask her any questions you want you think his brother Chris Cuomo

who gets very mad if you call him Fredo Furious Oh yeah He loses his mind if you call him Fredo, so don't ever do that. Right, he said that he thought calling an Italian man Fredo is the same as saying the N-word. Yeah, he says something like, he said calling the Italian man Fredo is the same as asking women if she's been raped before you try to fuck her. I thought it was weird at the time, but that would make sense. Do you think he was like during the Me Too scandal, like calling his brother up going like telling him who the victims are going like, maybe she's trying to fuck this one.

She seems really fucked up. She seems really traumatized. Maybe get in a slidger, slagie salami pony in there. I love you, brother. I love you. They just tell me, love each other for five minutes. I love you so much. No, I love you, brother.

Oh, we, I never raped the woman. I know you haven't. You just, you come in like a, like a vulture after the fact. It's noble. Yeah, I like to imagine just like Andrew Cuomo calling Chris Cuomo up, like, late at night. and being like just trying to like tell him about like I thought this girl really good last night and Chris Cuomo is a little uncomfortable with it but he never questions it because he's having anytime he even considers confronting him about it he has flashbacks to just getting punched in the

face over and over again by him oh you think that's why he pretends to lift 100 pound weights because he's like I got to pretend to lift these 100 pound weights on Instagram so my brother doesn't try to beat me up don't let my brother see me yeah I'm a real tough guy now Yeah, I call it. I think Andrew Cuomo was brutal to Chris Cuomo. Isn't he the older brother? Probably. Yeah, you think Andrew Cuomo bringing around Sandra Lee from mostly homemade?

Which we talked about, I think on the Patreon, we talked about that. We played clips from mostly homemade. Andrew Cuomo's his ex-girlfriend, but she used to live in the governor's mansion with them. And she's a host of a show on the Food Network, which, in my opinion, I wouldn't have been surprised if she was, you know, drunk for. But I can't, you know, say one way. any other. She's wasted. You'll be in court.

And yeah, I don't know. And he would like bring her around and go, look what I got, brother. You'll never have a woman as drunk as this. Hosting your TV shows. You think your TV stock got my own TV stuff? She's making a fucking mayonnaise cocktail. Fucking disgusting food she makes. Disgusting.

Go, go. This is not an ad for the. Patreon, but go, there's a Clipster. We covered this. Oh, yeah, right. That should have been a scandal. Hey, that woman roaming around the fucking governor's mansion. Just fucking pouring, pouring vodka into tomato soup serving into like, you know, fucking other

governors or whoever goes to, I don't know, who is, who is the governor invite over? The guy from Exxon, some lobbyist, whatever. Whoever it is getting tomato soup with vodka, they call it a cocktail. She's just drunk. in the kitchen she thinks she's making all the food for the dinner but they really they hired a catering company but he just lets her do it anyway she just wanders out she cuts herself yeah and wanders that bleeding and then passes out it's my guess uh was just like it's all right it's all right baby just get back in the kitchen just frying was come no we're gonna eat it those soup looks really i'm gonna tell you

about how it was raped again no sweetie not yet not now later later later than I'm women my right Oh Can't live with them Can't ask if they've been raped Without getting a fucking ninth degree Uh Freed'll get over here Don't call me that

Called an Italian man Friedo It's like he's punch Shut the foggall Oh Andrew Cuomo is the first person Who ever called Chris Cuomo You're afraid of the family There's only two of us

Yeah, so what, but there's something else with Cuomo, wasn't there? Oh, because I was looking at Twitter, and these people are still defending him, though. Oh, yeah. It is insane how, look, is it possible that all these women are lying? Okay, sure, it's possible. Yeah. Is it pop people, there's a theory that it's Roger Stone. and like, who's the other guy, fucking, I don't know,

Rove, but like Roger Stone and who's the other engineer of these things? Oh, and fucking, what's his name? Bannon or behind this somehow, like, Cuomo was the guy they willing to bring down two months after they, like, lose the election. Yeah. Like, Bannon hasn't even been in the white, you know,

part of the administration for a while. Right. But, like, Roger Stone, somehow, like, Andrew Cuomo, who's like, who already deflated his own, like, fucking thing. Like, he's already been, like, Under siege. I mean, didn't these all come out because he was like, you know,

he let a bunch of old people die in a nursing home? Yeah. And I guess why these sex scandals kind of came out. Yeah, it's all kind of snowballing after the nursing home. Well, I think the nursing home, I think maybe one accuser had come forward before the nursing home thing. Right, but I'm saying it's all kind of coalesced around that. Yeah.

So it's not like he was like, it's not like he was an heir parent to the Democratic Party. He wasn't an ex- Barack Obama. No. Like, why would Roger Stone go and do this? No, I mean, it's usually not like, I usually don't even, like, bother pointing it out because it's like, it's not equivalent because, like, they're not, they tend to not be as violent about it, but it's like, there are definitely fucking Democrats who are just as conspiratorial as, as, as, as, uh, you know, Republicans. No, yeah, they're, they're terrible. They think, and it's so much more, like, the thing is, it's not as noticeable because, like, they don't tend to, like, storm the capital. Well, yeah.

But, like, but also because. they do protest I'm kidding a joke but and also like what's it different it's also probably not as newsworthy because it's just like

their conspiracies that make no sense are just more boring too it's like it's just like it's the lowest hanging fruit of just like oh Trump and Bannon it's Trump and Bannon they can't capture the imagination

yeah Russia yeah how about it's Sweden it's Swedish oligarchs now Q that's a whimsical thing He was a whimsical idea. It's Swedish monarchists. That's who's behind this. You know why you're, you know why you got arrested for beating your wife?

Swedish monarchists. Right. They rat it on you. The Swedish monarchists are rats. The king of Sweden, Gustav. He's good. He's fucking you. Go, Swedish monarchist.

I want to tirade now. Do you want to, do you want me to argue with you? Just rant about Swedish Monarchus for a minute. Oh. I'm trying to make you a better Democrat. Did you? Okay. Wait.

Okay. Swedish monarchists are controlling the, are behind the Cuomo scandal. Is that what you want me to say? What do you want me to say? Swedish monarchists have their, have their Nutella covered fingernails deep into the spine of the American Democratic Party. Or the Republican Party. And they are controlling the narrative about sweet meat. Cuomo, all right?

They're fucking Swedish meatballs. That's why. You think it's the accident? There's meatballs and Swedish meatballs they're a countervailing force. Plus, Sweden is very famous for not,

from making it very clear, you're not allowed to ask women she'd been raped. And that's in contradiction to the, so that's why they're going on after Cuomo. In Sweden, you see in Sweden. Yeah. they have very strict laws about rape

but no laws but no regulations regarding sexual harassment that's just how their value system works in Sweden right and they'll be the opposite you're not getting the narrative correct here I'm sorry I'm trying to teach you how to create a fucking fake political narrative it's hard capture the imagination of the power

I always thought this is like so easy but maybe I'm just you might just have a unique talent for I should really just lose all scruples I should become a really bad person. I've always told you if you chose to became a... To be came... If you chose to came all over everything you saw.

If you chose to become like a real grifter. Yeah. You would do... It would be legendary. Oh, I blow away Ben Shapiro and fucking, who's this other guy, Dave Rubin? This is a moron. Yeah, blow them away.

I mean, the problem is I'm always like, every five seconds, I'm like, That being said, you know, the other side is, I can't just be full of his shit. I mean, I don't want to sound like I have morals. I just don't have a taste for like, you know, just not question. I mean, that's my thing. My whole thing is I'm just like, you know, maybe, you know, all these women just, you know, made up that Cuomo raped him. Yeah.

Maybe. I can't not say that even though I don't think that. I think, you know, he probably guerrilla raped a whole. Guerrilla rape. I used pronounced like guerrilla warfare. Oh, that's what you meant? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were saying, like, raped in the fashion of a gorilla.

No. Like, guerrilla war, like, I don't know why. I have his image in my head of him like, Che, raping women. Guerrilla rape. I don't know. It just seems like a fucking, like he's behind enemy lines, raping everyone, everything he sees. Right. Yeah.

He hides. You pronounce gorilla differently, like guerrilla war. It's, it's not guerrilla warfare, but it's gear, is it guerrilla? No, it's guerrilla warfare. I think it's probably not. It's just there is no, like, standard term for guerrilla rape. That's not a widely recognized term. Fair enough.

I don't know. This is why can't be Dave Rubin. Whoever these guys are. Ben Shapiro. Yeah, you know. Carrile rape. Come out. See, I think it's the exact opposite.

I think this is what would make you so great at it. Yeah. Because this kind of thing would go viral. Right. Right. Like, Raymond Kump suggests that Cuomo is guerrilla rape around the countryside. And then they'd be like, whoa, that sounds, people would be like, oh, wow, that sounds crazy. And then they'd go to your YouTube channel to put it in context.

Like, what did he actually say? There's no con. The context is even crazier. And you'd create, and you'd somehow create a reasonable contact. Yeah. Well, I'd make up facts about chain and, right. acts about Cuomo and time together. Right. I'm good at that.

I'm good at lying. But, yeah, you think I'd be a good all right guy, like Milo. Was Milo an all right? Who knows? That guy is just kind of a zone thing, right? Milo Yianopoulos. Now he's like some kind of ex-gay preacher. He's an ex-gay preacher.

I guess maybe he's not a preacher. He's just ex-gay now or something. Because he used to famously say, I can't be racist because I only have sex of black men. Right. So now he can be racist. Right. Fair enough. Thank God.

I finally... Imagine the person who was waiting for that. Right. I think this guy might be racist, but he does... He does love black men. He does have sex with a black man. I guess I just got to wait to see if that falls apart. So what's he doing now?

Is he doing conversion therapy? Yeah, I think so or something like that. I mean, he's got... It seems like he's going back to... Because if you're going to be a guy like him, you need to have a gimmick, I guess. And, like, you know, what's he supposed to do? Go work at Barnes & Noble? Yeah.

I mean, you know, go work at fucking DeVry. No, that's a school, right? Study at DeVry. Milo can't go, like, you know, be an attorney. Yeah. Probably could. Other people do it. Didn't Nixon become a lawyer again?

Yeah, no, I think the world would allow him to do it. I just don't think that he can allow himself to do it. Would you let Milo be your lawyer? Me personally, I know. You were charged with murder. You didn't do it. Milo is available. He's on the outs.

People don't respect him that much. So you get him cheap. And you know, this guy, and he goes, look, look at me, look, this guy has a talent for capturing the imagination. Now, he might not be able to, like,

overcome the entire political apparatus and, like, the zeitgeist. But he can, perhaps make a DA look dumb, an ADA? Sure. The one who's trying to convict you of murdering me. After you mistook me caressing you for trying to kill you with my gun hand. Yeah.

You know? Which is a common occurrence in our household. I tried to get you to be comfortable with the gun hand. It never happened. I could never get comfortable with the gun hand. I told you I wasn't going to paralyze you. Didn't believe me. And I also suspected that sometimes you were trying to fake me out with the gun.

gun hand like like you were you were never going to shoot me but you were trying to maybe like imply make you a threat well it's fun it's fun to get you afraid it's fun to have you on your toes with the gun hand that's the whole point the gun hand right I don't want to shoot anyone the only point is that like people think I might and then I bought that handgun because I thought well maybe I'll be able to relate to him better if I have a gun too even though I can't have a gun hand maybe I can just have a gun I wouldn't buy you a gun hand yourself yeah well I you know I I hinted pretty hard that I wanted one, but you refused. It's a lot of money.

I mean, like, I mean, I, you didn't, you know, take off as the next up-and-coming comic room mispronounce his names. Why should you get a good, man? Yeah, fair to, look, fair enough. No, I look, I understand it was something that you really wanted and then you having it made me want it. I mispronounce those names. You didn't.

But, you know, I get it. Look, I get it. I probably couldn't handle having a gun hand at the end. of the day you'd freak out but uh but you shot me anyway but yeah i'm just trying to put this unfortunate incident in context and so crazy milo comes around and goes look i heard about your story with the gun hand thing that's insane yeah i used to be a pretty wild guy um you might know me from legion of skanks um you know i have a sex of black men sure yeah i remember that's done though I'm not gay anymore.

Yeah, so are... Is he anti-gay? I, well, I think you have to be a little anti-gay to be into conversion therapy. But is that what he's doing? Um, yeah, I think so. Oh, I was guessing he actually is doing that? I think so, yeah. So he went through conversion therapy?

Yeah, or is going or something like that. What does conversion therapy consist of, like, losing all your advertising revenue and, like, in your book tour? Is that how conversion therapy works? That was my conversion therapy He went All of that happened And he was like

Oh I get it These people don't like That I'm gay Ha ha ha Ha ha Yeah Yeah why is there anyone Who's just like

Freedom of speech Who's just like No I just want to talk more about like Bugs Right Right It's always It's always just racist

Like gotta be racist I believe in freedom of speech but the only people who ever advocate for it on the racist. It's always the people who want it. They always want to talk about in exact proportions, right? In exact proportions, they want to say a bunch of racist things and then explain to you why they're not racist despite saying all those things.

Hey, I'm for freedom speech because I love to play with spiders and talk about spiders. I don't want to make sure that I'm always a lot of talking about spiders. Where's that guy? Where is that? The guy is a virulent guy. I just don't want to make sure Because people don't like spiders

They get disgusted about it I want to make sure I'm always a lot of talking about My furry little spiders He ends up fucking I'm standing with Milo Even though he's disgusting animal Because I believe in spiders And he believes in conversion therapy

There's never that Yeah so I guess I'd hire Milo as my lawyer All right How would the case go? He's just like You're just asking you if you're gay? He just show everyone as asshole. Every time he got up to make an argument or question.

Look at that. I used to have people to fuck that. Now I don't. What's it going to do with the case? Aye. It's my new grift. What does he have to offer now? What is the angle of these people?

Well, it seems like he's just getting back to basics. Like being pro-conversion therapy is very like old school Republican shit, I guess. All these guys. I'm not putting Jordan Peterson on the line of Milo Unopoulos. I mean, I know people just like Jordan Peterson, but I feel like he's a little more... He's controversial, but there's at least substance there. And yet he had to fall from grace.

I was listening to a bit of a podcast he was on promoting his new book. Because, of course, there's always a new book. There's always a fucking new, new grift, 12 new rules. Oh, how many rules is it? Well, there's actually originally 48 rules. Can you get the fuck out of here? back to that Russian prison you were doing meth in. Jesus Christ.

What, Michaela's not going to have me on her podcast now, dressed like a sexy lobster? Who are these people? What country do we live in? Who are listening? Do they stop looking for gurus? There are no gurus.

No one has an answer. Does the world seem like someone has an answer? There's no answer. No one's going to help you. No one's going to save you. just stop looking for answers. There's no truth. People just want to fuck and eat and grift.

It's all it is. Yeah, sure. I'm a sexy lobster. Look at me. You want me to tell you how to kick your heroin addiction? I felt that right here. Yeah. That'll be the cool.

Clip that. I'll be brought down by the FBI. I mean, look, no one has, look, you know what has an answer? You're cruising for a fake suicide with that gun hand. Oh, I'm going to get, my gun hand's going to malfunction. I'm going to be like, you know, shoot myself, you know, while I'm shaving my dick. Which I don't do yet. Maybe I should.

This would be a perfect place for manscaped. Why don't you advertise? See, I, you have Jordan Peterson going like, you know, well, here's how. this sycifist puts the rock up the cave. Meanwhile, here's how you buy your man's scape's ball trimmer. It doesn't really work. But I'm talking about balls getting shaved, cutting and shoot myself in the dick.

Perfect place for an ad. Sponsor the show. But why am I not being reached out to? I want a grift. Just because I'm telling you to believe in things doesn't mean I don't want money. I want money. I want to build a gun hand,

just like Bill Burr wants to fly helicopter and mispronounce the names of Mexican regional Grammy. winners. This is what the world is now, all right? You had the Crusades, you had the war on terror, you had a civil war, and you have Bill Burr. I don't know how they tie together.

And 12 rules for life. 12 rules for life. As one of them don't wind up in an, like, where was he? Here's where I think that you're being a little bit cynical. Yeah. You got to give him a little space to figure it out, Because once he gets through all the rules,

then we can start getting into the principles. And then we can start getting into the advice. Take it or leave it advice. And once you have all of that, then people are really going to start to see their lives come into order. It's like if OJ wrote like a fucking self-help book. And then like after he, instead of releasing that like how I killed my wife book, he just wrote more self-help from the juice.

The juice comes back and teach, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's like he wrote a marriage counseling book. It's like if OJ seems to run a book on marriage counseling. That's what we're dealing with here. Just stop buying from these people. Right. Or don't. I don't care.

What do I give a shit? I just want a gun hand. You got to show that you're an independently minded person by buying yourself, and I'm a wine princess bitch tea. shirt. Boom. All right. LeBron James, where are you? Why don't you wearing his shirt? I offer to give you one. Why is he not responded to me? I want to be peer to peer with LeBron James. Like, he is a genius at basketball, and I am a genius at the wine shirt, the wine princess

beach t-shirt. I'm wanting to go ahead. Like, look, I mean, Jerry, like, Michael Jordan, Jerry Seinfeld came to visit Michael Jordan Right before a playoff game Isn't that documentary? Sure. You think Jerry Seinfeld practiced as much as Michael Jordan? No. Maybe practice, you know, dating high schoolers as much

as Michael Jordan. Shots fired. Was Jerry Seinfeld not going to put me an episode of his comedians and cards fucking making rape apologies? Give us a shit. Don't care. I don't give a shit. I don't like them.

his show is funny. I like Seinfeld. But I don't give a... Who cares? What are you going to do? You're going to come? You're going to take Jason Alexander and you're going to fucking...

Former posse and come after me? Fucking... And your friend? Why don't you focus on your friend saying the N-word every five seconds to the comedy store? I mean, have it once. I mean, I do feel like he feels bad.

But, you know... Yeah. What are you going to do? I mean... It is weird that he, like, came back... He, you know, he did a press store for Michael Richards when he said the N-word. when he got called saying the N-word,

but like, why can't you do anything for Jason Alexander's career? He seems like a good guy. I think he's doing fine. Yeah. Isn't he? Type him Jason Alexander. I'm sure. I think he had some career stuff, didn't he?

Why didn't he do more for him? I mean, I think he made the guy worth $100 million probably. How much more is he supposed to do for the guy? I don't know. He seems nice. Type in net worth. Hey, been Jason Alexander and net worth. Let's see who you're fucking holding water for.

This is like Richard and Bill Burr. He's what I'm saying. Why am I defending rich people? Look, what's his network? He is worth a paltry $50 million. That's it. I thought that'd be more. Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should be reaching out to Jesus of Alexander and seeing how he's doing in the pandemic. I'm just saying if I'm Jerry Seinfeld, maybe. Who? If I'm Jerry Seinfeld, did I say it again? Yes, I don't know if we've ever covered this on the show, but Lucy and I won the way that we worked together at the time. I don't know why I am the way I am.

We had a long argument, and she really thought it was like a two-sided argument where the show was called Seinfeld, not Seinfeld. I thought maybe it was, I thought maybe, well, it's probably just the way you say it. What? The way, who said? Everyone else in the world? I didn't necessarily think that you were wrong and saying, why don't you say the word?

You're like Bill of Burr, you think you can just choose how to say someone's name. You can. How did you say it? Seinfeld. Right. So I figured like, okay, it's like it's a little difference in emphasis, but it's not really meaningful. You added a syllable. Seinfeld.

No one agreed with you. No. You know you're wrong. No, no, look, I know I'm wrong, but I can't stop saying it that way is the problem. You did. Two seconds later, I had to call it out. You did it accidentally. But when I'm doing it unconsciously, I'm always going to say.

I don't think there will ever be. a day where I don't say it that way. My God, that's so, I mean, if I, thank God I have to, it's tragic. Thank God I don't respect Jerry Seinfeld that much because, like, so we'll never have to be in a situation where I'm like, oh, I'm so embarrassed. I'm like, what are you going to do? She's going to say your name wrong. What does that fuck?

Why don't you go, why don't you go date her daughter? Fuck out of here. Thank you for defending me. I love the show, by the way. It was great. I mean, I'm not, you look, credit what credit's do. You know, the puppy shirt? Oh.

Oh. Not a puffy shirt. Seinfeld is one of my favorite shows of all time, probably. Oh, I wish I had like a career with the ruin. That'd be so much fun. Like, this doesn't even count. It's like, oh, you really just conch up. No one.

No one could possibly care less. Like anyone even, like, anyone who never met Seinfeld, you don't think, no, I said this. but fuck him anyway I'm laying down the law don't listen to Seinfeld no new rules now I would like to see Jordan Peterson on comedians

and cars getting cold even though he's not a comedian I think it would be fun and he's just like oh that's a nice car what is a car and that's my impression Jordan Peterson

and Jerry Seinfeld's like yeah it's a car so in your so these are Jordan Peterson and Jerry Seinfeld basically the exact same It's not like a beaker from the Muppets or something. Yeah, I don't know.

I'm not an impressionist. I'm not, you know, Jeff Dunham or whoever. I don't have a puppet. Which I'm fine with Jeff Dunham. I don't care. I mean, is the occupant thing? It's a little tacky.

Is it racist? Yeah. Yeah. Well, is that, look, it's not made for smart people. What do you mean to tell you? Most entertainment's not. True. I look at my.

And I, my, and I, I, By breaking ground, am I being an elitist? I don't think they fucking play, you know, Ahmed, the terrorist, jihadist terrorist puppet routine at the Sydney Opera House. I could be, I literally could be wrong. He might have performed there. I don't know. I don't care.

He seems a grounded guy who happens to do puppets for people who just, you know. He's probably played for the queen. Yeah, I mean, you know, heroin, you know, heroin. The queen loves you. The queen of important heroin to, like, you know. from the Golden Triangle? Who gives a show? I mean, the one who called Megan Markle,

whatever, who, I mean, look, someone did. Someone, did the queen say Megan Markle, you know, whatever, racist, racist, racist thing? I mean, it wasn't very clear. You watched the Oprah interview. It's not very clear. It's very cagey about who told her that her, you know, if her child was black,

it wouldn't get security. She actually, the queen actually literally said that. Like, she was in an interview with someone. Some exclusive interview, and they were like, how do you feel about Megan Markle and during the family? And she goes like,

ah, the racist thing, racist thing. Fill in the blanks. I mean, look, does it make it suspect that, you know, they did with Oprah, um,

who Harry is producing a show with? On Apple Plus. On Apple Plus. A premium Apple Plus. And then Megan was promoting her arch, Archie bins. Charity. What's it?

Arch. Archie Wellington. Archie well. This is what we do with Archie Wells. We make sure the queen gives me money for security. So Archie, fucking, why do you name Archie? Fucking stupid. All the thing's stupid.

Why don't you go fuck? Why isn't the USA Network fucking kick in for the security? She's a star of goddamn suits for goddamn sakes. She was a star of USA's suits. Wasn't the biggest show on USA in history? The USA Network, they used to have Parker Lewis Can't Lose on like weekdays. and just the 10 of us

I used to watch that and I was a kid I showed you the opening sequence of a sitcom called Just the 10 of Us Oh right yeah That was on the USA network It was Parker Lewis can't lose And fucking just a 10 of us

I'd watch that instead of like you know Going and playing sports Or like you know fucking women When I was a teenager Which you know it's fun I'm not saying teenagers Should have to fuck women But I wanted to

I would have Given a chance I want to jump Um So yeah Cool Yeah I mean The queen

Queen What's Jason Alexander been doing What's his fucking What's his fucking Let's give the bomb of this I don't know I know he was in Dunston checks in That was a good movie

I don't know what he's been doing With the monkey I don't know what he's been doing I'm telling he was Dunson checks in That was 20 years ago But all I know It's he should have another 10 million dollars for it Just 10?

What is Jerry Seinfeld's net worth? What is his net worth? This rich fucking bastard. He is worth $950 million. Almost a billion. Yeah, almost a billionaire. And who's the best part of that show? Kenny Banya.

But it's close to think it was George. I love that Kenny Banya guy. We were watching in the line of fire today. And we saw Kenny Banyi. Yeah. Which, and I forgot, you were surprised because you, you, you, the movie starts off. In the beginning of the movie, they're busting this, like, counterfeiting ring. Yeah.

And I was kind of like, why is the Secret Service doing this? And you and four, I didn't know this, but the Secret Service, they handle counterfeiting. Yeah, as we click, the Line of Fire is the Clint Eastwood film from the 90s. Pretty good film. Wolfgang Peterson made it, we'll watch it. But yeah, I said the fucking Secret Service is part of their purview. It's a handle counterfeiting, which I was just kind of knew. But, yeah, in hindsight, it does seem weird.

Like, we protect the, they work for the Treasury Department, but again, why? Like, why? Right. Why don't they, like, because they, originally there were the Pinkertons, right? The Pinkertons were a private security service in, like, the 1850s era. They protected Lincoln, I think. At what point, they were, they were the presidential detail.

Like, I don't know if they became the Secret Service, or I feel like they became a Secret Service. So they just go like, you know, hey, we'd like to make you into the Secret Service and you'll protect the president. And they're like, oh, yeah, that'd be great. And also we'll handle counterfeiting. What? I'm sorry.

So you'd like to, you want to stop counterfeiting. We'll handle it. We'll cover. We'll be our purview. What do you mean? You'll handle it. I mean, you would want to, you're going to bust, you know. If counterfeiting is going to be investigated, we'll be the ones who would.

We will be in charge of how harshly or leniently we enforce counterfeiting. Yeah, yeah, look, it's probably an issue and we're going to look into it. And we're not doing it. You're not. No, no, we don't have, we don't have presses. It just seems like such a specific thing

that you want to be in charge of. Well, we don't know exactly where you get that specific rag type material that you make the dollars on. We have no idea that you get it from that lady, the family who makes it. I wish I'm worth of research. There's a certain family who makes that pay. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. And then he would know that that guy. So imagine my improv was better. And he knew exactly what paper was the wire was. But yeah, I don't know. It seems suspicious. Suspatches. Suspatches.

Wait, but in Catch Me if you can, that movie. That guy's real, right? Well, yeah. Wasn't that the FBI handling it? Wasn't the FBI handling it? Well, the checks. Oh, so counter. Fitting checks.

Was this passing bad checks That's the same as counterfeiting. Oh, okay. Counterfeiting is producing fake currency. It's what the government does. Got it. I mean,

like, oh, these guys made, like, you know these bus people who made like a million dollars in currency. It's like,

you just produced three trillion dollars like this year. It's like new currency. We talk. Oh, inflation's in this. Shut up. Like they do that just

like hide the fact that they're just, and I'm not trying to get into a whole loose money, hard money, you know, I've stopped. arguing about, you know, the Austrian School of Economics and, like, you know, they're right, but they're racist, but you're still right. I don't know. I don't know. It just seems like a lot of people who are into that or also into other things.

And I'm not going to account for that. I do think there's some logic to don't print an entire, you know, $10 trillion. But if you're going to print it anyway, give it to people. Don't, like, print it to give to, like, you know, defense contractors and, like, DuPont Chemical and, like, the guy's sleepy. mattresses and then be like oh but we're not going to give families any money shut the fuck up right this is what are we doing here so it's been great uh sciencefeld interesting remember everyone either pronunciation works let's get this other let's get this other pronunciation picking up steam a little bit i'd be i'd be so happy for you if we got that going it would be amazing

for me. Yeah. It would really solve a major problem in my life. And when Jerry Seinfeld came at me, trying to, you know, come, Soninfeld came at me.

By that point, we already made so much money. I'm like, look at his gun hand. Say, talk to the gun hand. Anyway, so where can people find you?

Oh, you can follow me on Twitter or Instagram at the Steinbag. T. He Steinbag. Not D. Steinbeg. Like, like, like, like, you know,

like, like Dick Steinberg. T. The, or as I pronounce it, the Steyan bag. Yeah, you know where to find me. You can sign up for the Patreon if you like. We got a great episodes every week, a $5 tier. It's great. You get an extra episode every week.

People are loving it. People are signing up left and right. You can be part of that whole movement. And, you know, get a Wine Princess Beach T-shirt if you like. The links are in the bottom here. The shadow banished thing is over. You can find this with the links. everything's going great

we're going to see you next week we're going to see it later in the week it's going to be great we're going to love you and have a great week