Kump - 69 - Kump on the Cross

Episode Date: April 6, 2021

Ray and Lucie talk about Easter, the crucifixion, dog anatomy, and how doctors are overrated.

Hello and welcome to Kump coming to you a day later than the normal date. Apologies, but you know, we were too busy. Getting crazy on Easter. How was your Easter, Lucy? It was good. Was it? Yeah, it was great. Good, because mine was amazing.

We had ham. We had wine. We had potatoes. Easter bunny. We don't have any idea. No, we didn't. Eggs. We didn't part.

I liked the party on Easter. We didn't party on Easter. This is the big problem of this pandemic. I need to, like, get a fucking, you know, tie a knot on. Is that a term for it? Tie a knot. That seems like vaguely related to when dogs fuck. I don't know.

Dogs, they don't have opposed to thumbs. If a dog could talk, that's what he would say. And he was kind of a creep. Dogs have no concept of, I don't even think they don't. I got to get a nod on.

I'm saying it. Just be, I'm not even saying because like, I'm not being a dick. Well, dogs don't have a concept of language. No. Assuming they did. I'll tell you what they don't have a concept of,

opposable thumbs, which you need to tie knots. No, but doesn't their penis turn into a knot on its own? What? When it goes into something, I thought that one of the things that a dog penis did was it turned into a knot. What the hell are you talking about? I'm pretty sure it's just biology. You can get turned, wait, things don't just turn into knots.

They tie into knots. I think a dog's penis does. How? I'm just, I'm not trying to be, this is the thing. I don't need. Like, people are always like, oh, call me doctor, right? Yeah. Go.

Like, Lucy might be like, hey, Lucy, it's Dr. Lucy. Dr. Lucy of dog dicks. The dog dick, Dr. Lucy. And I don't call them doctors. I ref- I don't, do I refuse? I mean, do I refuse when the Queen of England wants me to call her queen? If that's refusal, then I guess I refuse to call them doctors. I don't know why I should be compelled to.

But it's because of this. Because, like, I don't have this sense of fealty to the queen, to the Duke of Sussex, or to a doctor of dog dicks. I'm not going to sit there and go, oh, these people complain and go, oh, we have fake news. We don't know what's real news. You kind of know what's real news, though, don't you? You kind of just don't trust news. And then you have, like, facts that come in the news. You go, this is probably true or not, like, on some words.

level, but you can exist without knowing if the news is 100, whatever, it's being adult, just, yeah, you're never going to be comfortable again. That's life now. In the same way, uh, I don't need a doctor of dog dicks, like, Dr. Lucy to like tell me, like, oh, look, you, you just don't have a PhD in dog dick, so you don't know. And like, there's no way, no, no, not's got to be tied. I know that. I know how to tie my shoes.

Right? I have a boy scabber. I tied nuts for a living or whatever it was, a vocation. I'm just saying if you're telling me that a dog's dick links up with the long-ass clitoris of a female dog, I guess. Like the females got a clit that's six inches long and it dangles. And then the dog's penis is also flopped. And then it comes and goes inside and those two somehow find each other

and tie into or not. Well, I don't think any purely reproductive intercourse involves tying something up with the clitoris. Well, you're going to get incredulous with me? Because I'm trying to imagine with my grand imagination. I'm a man with great imagination. I envision worlds that you couldn't possibly dream of. All right?

And those include a world where the dogs have, special kinds of organs right fantastical organs where the penis might dangle with the clitoris and a kind of a a scene where i have disney's phantasia might occur you know like and the dancing is it's a whole thing right i can do that we can do it all day long because you said to me a dog's penis turns into or not so i can imagine but but the reality is but that's this is the real you can't have there's no free lunch all right

you know freedom isn't free freedom fries also the point is like you can't just say well dog's dick's turn into knots and then when I start coming up with the only plausible situation

where a dog's dick upon entry into a vagina of any kind a dog's vagina all right you see but you I don't know, they might be special. Well, that was the point that I was making,

because it would have to be, because something would have to occur. Something else would have to be, I mean, a knot is a tying. A knot is something, a line, a little line, you tie them together. Not like,

it doesn't, I mean, if it bulged up, that wouldn't be a knot, it would be a balloon, for instance. If it balloons on some level. Sure.

But you, well, like, I don't know, you know, do you know what the knot is? I think we're saying, you know, tomato tomato. No, what?

You say, you say balloon, I say not. You, I say tomato, you say, you know, Nikita Khrushchev, you know, famous Russian guy. But you know what, this is actually less relevant, whether or not I'm right is less relevant to me than if I was a doctor who exclusively studied dog dicks, you wouldn't just take my word for it? No. Right, look, look, if it was. I had a Ph.D. in this. You wouldn't take my word for it? 100% no.

Here's the situation. I'm not clunetic. If you said to me, hey, you know dogs actually have a backup penis. I have a PhD, so I know. Oh, that seems really great. You actually have a PhD in dog dicks. I guess, will I take your word for it?

I mean, to your face, sure. Mm-hmm. Because I go, oh, okay. And if I go, how is it work? Maybe, and if you were kind of coy about it, maybe I would be belligerent, I don't know. But I'd basically take your word for it for a backup penis. If dogs that gets cut off by a mailman who's just,

the dog didn't even attack him. There's a bad mailman. I mean, I'm in a fucking, they just erupt the stuff. So I might take, but no, if you said to me a dog's dick, which you did just now, turns into or not, I have to go, oh, what you mean? I'm not, well, you take my word for, I mean, that's the country we're starting living now.

Just take my word for it. I'm a PhD. Like, all right, but I mean, like, that's fake news. I mean, do you believe a newsman just because he's the newsman? You shouldn't? Look, in my imagination, I'm not like some like Dr. Oz. I'm not like, it's not like I'm claiming to be an ex, but really I'm just on TV.

He's a doctor. He's more of a doctor than, you know, I don't want to say you, but I mean, most people who are doctors of dog dicks. No, I'll say he's more of a doctor than me. Right. Yeah. Or what I'm saying. I'm not a doctor at all.

He's a, I question a lot of him. I don't know what I can say. This is a public forum. So I don't want to say. I'm suspicious of many, many things and doubtful of intentions or whatever. But he's still a doctor. He's still like, you know, cuts baby's hearts out or whatever they do. What?

Spits on them. What intentions do you think Dr. Oz has? You know, I'm. I mean, look, the ice-e-berry, I'm sure it is a bountiful panacea of, I mean, it cured COVID, right? The assaye-e-berry? Is that what he says? No, I'm just saying, but for years he was preparing us with the ice-e-berry.

And then it prevented, you know, COVID, which is nice. Stop cancer. We're not fat country anymore. That's true. The Republic's doing great I don't want to call him a hoxter So we'll move on The point is

No but like the guys I hate Dr. Oz I don't know why I'm being coy about it Terrible what's it going to do come out of me My podcast Yeah I say E Barry You show me how it cures COVID I'll eat my goddamn hand

My gun hand I mean my point is though you can't turn a dick into it I know I wouldn't take the doctor's word for is my point and I'm sick of it saying the name you know dog doctor dick doctor or whatever the fuck

I'll call me doctor I'm gonna call like you go hey did you spend a hundred grand on your Amex to buy a bunch of fucking lawn furniture I'll call you a doctor that's what a doctor is now

oh I have a PhD in fucking French philosophy or a PhD in psychology whatever I don't care. Can you fix my child's hand? It's a bad hand. He's got a shitty hand. Fix it.

Oh, well, I agree with that. Yeah. I wasn't watching him and he fell and it's broken now. Because I told him to go play outside. I forgot we live in New York City. And he was shot in the hand. Can you help him? Are you that kind of doctor?

That's say you were at the vet, right? Yeah, with your dog. Well, vets are like doctors. Right. So I'd say it was that kind of doctor. Yeah, like, basically a medical doctor for animals. So it's like... And they said, we have to do the surgery or because...

It's a doctor. Because if we don't do the surgery, then your dog's penis won't turn into it not properly. You would trust them, right? No. No, no. I mean, in that case, I mean, look, what if a doctor told you you have to fucking, like swallow your sword and like you know and go fucking climb a trapeze and jump off the trapeze into a fucking garbage can full of uh homeless shit or you can't uh you can't

get you get vaccine you wouldn't do that homeless people shit or regular people i mean anyone's shit really i'm just imagining all i mean no You have yet to say anything to me about how a dog dick could turn into or not. Just explain. Look, I'm not saying I'm the person who can prove it to you. Oh, God. But, like, but there might be someone out there who could prove. There's just no concept of it.

It's like, you know, your light can become your arm. What does that mean? Doesn't mean anything. It's like, no, I can't mean. Maybe, maybe could your fingers. No. Uh, I don't like doctors. I like regular doctors who fucking give me lollipops.

and teach me to read um why are we talking about this the first place i have no idea we're on a different topic you're talking about easter yeah easter how to get how to get into the on the dog dicks i don't know oh so i want to tie one on on easter i'm not saying taiwan tie one on i think it's a term no no but what you said was i want to get my nod on on easter oh yeah tie not no tie a knot on Yeah, tie a knot on. Okay, so just tie one on. I think it's just tie one on. But I don't want to censor you if you want to, if you want to change.

What is that expression mean? Tie one out. I think it just, I think it means get wasted. Right. No, I mean, but like, where to come from? Like, I want to tie a dogs dig onto my, you know, beer. I'm just, look, I'm trying to, I like Easter. We didn't do anything for Easter.

really um i don't know is easter a big thing where you're from i mean we celebrated easter what that mean eat a ham eat a ham die some eggs i mean i suggested dying eggs but you seem convinced that there is no die in the surrounding area no no that's that why i said i said to you yeah if you want to be it might be hard to get on saturday before easter maybe not maybe yeah might be hard to get but if you want to pick up some paws and you were incredulous I was like, what's, I... What's Paus? Yeah.

Someone who's, who's, who's, um, ensconced in the, in the concept of dying eggs, that's the right word, right? Hmm. It's not. But, uh, enamored with the idea of dying eggs.

Reminds them of their childhood. Fanciful egg dying. Whoa, what was Easter. All these things are going through your head. And you don't know what fucking pause is. It's the only thing out there. I mean, it might be shittier.

and Paa's, like, Paa's the kind of thing that you assume is just, like, the generic Easter egg die. And then sometimes you find out, like, oh, like, Russell Stover is actually good chocolate. And, like, you know, if you go, like, certain places, do they have, like, really shitty chocolate? But, like, Russell Sobers isn't good chocolate. It's fine. And Paas is not good egg dye.

It might be shittier egg dyes out there. But it's the only game I've ever seen. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I didn't know that this existed. I don't know why I'm harping so much on the pause. So I didn't tell you how to get. I said, did you go out and get pause? Yeah, I never, you know what?

I never even considered. I've never arranged to celebrate Easter as a dog. No, because you said to me something like always get dye from like somewhere else. Like, like dye you used to like in a sweatshop to make blue jeans. You're trying your eggs with toxic dyes. Yeah, we always get some fucking, uh, like, Like, we'll just get, like, wood stain and wood dyes. They use, like, stained cherry oak when you make a fucking, you know, desk.

We're going to put that in our eggs. I'm going to eat the eggs like fucking idiots. Yeah, it makes it more exciting. I'm sorry, is this, like, you know, raise the villain episode? Because I don't believe about dog dicks. And I didn't buy you paws. I'm sorry. Didn't get your paws.

you got me a switch yeah I got all right well I did get you a yes I got I got Lucy a switch I wasn't going to bring that up because you know real men keep secrets I'm playing Bioshock just playing Bioshock it's a game it's really good

talk you want to talk about the switch it's like no I mean it's just like it's just a good game it's based like some Ayn Rand thing some I'm Randian dystopia just playing an Iran game yeah sure that's great you walk around as Ian Rand and you smoke You fuck your students, and you complain about women being too up with you or whatever.

I'm glad you like it. Sorry, was that ghost of me to say, I just wanted to give you credit. It's a little, thank you. I mean, it's a little, it's not ghost, just, you know, something. I'm a benevolent force in the universe. Yes. Yes, I am such a great man. I'm not, you know, I wanted to talk about Easter, though.

I wasn't trying to, you know, there wasn't a prompt to say, raise a generous boy. I wanted to bring up the crucifixion. I was thinking about it. I was thinking about the guy on the other cross, right? You know, there's two other crosses. If you don't know who Jesus was, he was a carpenter, fisherman, poet of some sort. He believed to use the son of God, some, you know, whatever, they killed him. And then, uh, it also didn't exist.

But whatever. Maybe he did. You know, the Roman historians say he existed. Oh, if you've got a Catholic school, like, actually there's four fucking secular historians who fucking tell you if Jesus existed. There's plenty of the younger. There's Agrippa.

There's fucking Josephus and Swatonius. And all of them just talk, like, every time they bring up Jesus, like, yeah, there was some dude and fucking, apparently something went down in Judea or whatever, Jerusalem. They killed again. like knowing at first hand knowledge it doesn't point this story in the gospel is that this

fucking guy there was a two crooks or whatever two robbers um on the on the other crosses but just two criminals they said two criminals also barabbas before that a criminal the bible it's like jesus the only innocent man getting crucified that's really what they want you to believe they want you to believe you know it's like oh yeah this is a really oppressive system. No, no, no, no. I mean, it's, it's good. I'm not guilty, but, uh, and like, Brabis was a freedom fighter, I think. He was a zealot, but that's not the point. The fucking guy on the cross gets all these shit for the years, because he was like, hey, you're just like God, right? Let's get us off this fucking cross.

Up us out here. Gets all of the cross. You're just like, God, do this. Come on. We're waiting for him, but I'm dying here. And he's like, oh, and the other guy was like, oh, you shouldn't have to do that. I'm a bad man. I got to pay for my sins. And he says, I'm like, you're going to go to heaven with me because you didn't ask me to do shit.

And like, you know, and like you shouldn't ask the fucking God. I, and this is the story you learn from this. And I'm just baffled by it. You were raised with the Catholics. All you hear. Fucking footprints in the sense. fucking put your put my god take your burden fucking put your sorries in a sack and let jesus eat him

fucking this is i don't care how many kids you killed you're the son of christ wants to some god wants to fucking have a picnic with you if you just if you just say hello just say hello say hello jesus but this motherfucker who's on the cross next to him bleeding I guess ow it hurts like he he knows it hurts he's right there like the whole

oh why they only see one pair of footprints in the sand hey because that's what I was carrying this motherfucker is literally I'm like how do you know it hurts to be on the cross Jesus because I'm right here I'm on the cross

so the point is like and he's going to be smugged to this guy the one time you're like oh I could turn, I give you some water into wine if you want, but, you know, fucking get you off our cross? Why would I do that? To play devil's advocate, Christ's advocate. Yeah.

There is, there is something really obnoxious about a guy. The guy is bleeding. Yeah, he's a, he's God, but he's also a guy who's bleeding on the cross. Yeah. Right? You got to imagine that version of Jesus is not the best version of Jesus. in terms of performing the miracles. Those powers were depleted?

Yeah, you would think that it's like, you know, he might not be in the mood. Like, it's like, you know, it's like, yeah, I'm dying here. I'm fulfilling a prophecy here. Do you think? And you're going to come up to me. It's like when you,

when you see like a celebrity you like on the street and they look all hung over and shit and you still go up to them and you go like, hey, can you just sign this thing? And also I want to have a 20 minute conversation with you. Yeah. You know, it's like, he's like, I'm doing something more. Sorry, I broke into your house, Taylor Swift.

Yeah. This gun's not for you. it's for the people who want to hurt you i want to help you i mean maybe jesus is like i'm doing something here can you just sure i mean i rose a guy from the dead is that not enough i mean i wasn't i wasn't that guy that's a different guy i'm not dead yet did you let him die in the cross too well can you save people you should have to let him die first and are you going to rise me from the dead or are you going to be dead too Oh, you're going to rise in the dead in three days?

Are you going to raise me up? I got shit to do, man. I don't know. You got to raise me up? Come on. I'm right here. I'm putting this in the same tune probably. Come on.

Just when you wake up, just wake me up. Look, it's just this is a real important part of the storyline here where I got, I got to rise up and then do a bunch of stuff. Yeah, I'm not going to be buggy. I'm not going to follow you around. I got shit to do too. You know, it's not. I got shit to do, man, God.

I got to see my girl. I got to get some new hubcaps. Yeah, just, Mike me up when you die. Look, typically I'm happy to do it, but it's not nothing to me. It does take some effort on my part to raise a whole human from the dead. So could you maybe just see that it's like, I'm sorry for your circumstances? Right. But I might have to.

So it's a nuisance to you. Save my life. I get, no, I don't like doing things that are a nuisance, like saving people's lives. Do you think it was a whole depletion thing that, like, he was sitting there. they're going like when pilot punch his pilot was like are you the son of god and you go because i guess the thing is the jewish i mean some people go the jews kill you no it's just the jewish pharisees he look he was a troll he like fucked up their temple money changing shit oh you're all hypocrite we all act like it's a great story you're a bunch of hypocrites in my dad's house

like what what we're like we're like pre jewish priests like whatever we are rabbis and some of a priest, some of the temple people, you're coming to our temple, you're fucking throwing tables everywhere, and he's saying, like, is my dad, was your dad King David? I don't think he built that. I mean, it was different temple, maybe, whatever. Point is, I would have been like, yeah, hey, Pontius Pilate, this guy's, I mean, I'm not a rat, so I don't try get people to kill it, but whatever. I mean, point is, so he's there with Pilot.

Pilots got no beep with him, per se. Right. And he's got, but on his whole story is that he's like, Hey, are you just something like God? I am who you say I am. He's going to be on coy. He's like, you know, why don't you fucking, you know, I think he says, I'll let you go. Just be cool.

Say so. Say so. I ask me too. I've got to, he's been paraphrasing here. He's like, he's portrayed as a guy like, yeah, I don't give a shit. I'll fucking let me just go away. This has to happen. It has to happen.

Oh, all right. Do you think he actually was like thinking he had miracle power the whole time? and he was going to fucking like pull a fucking loop-de-do or whatever the fuck and like at the last second and be like now who's on the cross motherfuckers but he just like he couldn't because he was like and made himself a pizza bagel you that night before yeah well he's crying in the in the garden he's like he's praying he's crying blood and he's like gosh he got hungry

instead of finishing dinner I went through that whole here's my body and blood shit for fucking two hours and then I accused Judas of being a fucking betraying me. I wouldn't be surprised if he did now. Yeah. That would be great of it. He wasn't supposed to die, but they had to remodel the whole thing around him dying.

Yeah. Because he was supposed to live. He was supposed to like, he was supposed to do that. He was supposed to. He was supposed to be nailing him to the cross and like the nails bend, like the matrix or something.

And he's like, oh, what's the matter. You handle a whole work. he's on the ground, I guess, and he's on the ground, I guess, and they're, what's my hammond's on walk? They don't work as a son of God. That's right.

I ain't dying. And then, like, but then it goes in his wrist. Yeah. So it does work. Right. I don't know. He's just getting his quip ready. And then he's like,

ah. Yeah. I just misses or something. He's setting up the... He's just kind of hammering a few of those big nails into the ground so he has him, like, just pick one, you know? Yeah. He's like, pop, pop, pop, pop.

I didn't feel nothing. Guess hammers don't work on the son of God. No, I just put my nails in the ground. He's to grab. He's going to be wiggling and pain a lot. So it's just... I want the net where I dance, right there's right? Put the other one in your wrist after I put the first...

You were good? We're starting now. Again, I'm not mocking. Jesus but he mocked the guy kind of he mocked this guy and the whole message i ever heard from 15 14 12 years of catholic school was like put your fucking hopes and dream you ever you're afraid of getting shot in the face of the yankee game because you fucking you you ask this girl up her boyfriend didn't like you and he's going to shoot you the yankee game just don't hear what you do put put that

fear into the turtle shell of Jesus. I can't, a million analogies. But this guy, he laughs at this guy. He mocks this guy. That's the Easter story. Right. Or a good Friday story at least. And then the other guy, I mean,

the other guy is way more despicable because he's just like. It's a fucking brown nosing scum. Oh yeah. I would never ask that. I'm a woke crucifixion boy. I don't fucking, oh, how dare you ask that? Why I'm trying to save my wife.

What? I'm a bad guy. You don't fucking save me. And, you know, he thought he was getting saved. He's like, yo, you're the right thing. He'll come to heaven. And he's like, fuck. Thought he's going to save me.

She's just, you know, whatever. I mean, look, it's good that he rose him to dead. Those two guys were dead forever. What do they do? They fucking, they stole a piece of cheese. Killed a woman. Could be anything. So Easter's done.

Yeah. Speaking of something that came up before. There was a segue to present of itself, but I didn't take it because I really wanted to harp on Jesus. But Aaron Rogers on Jeopardy. We're big, we're Jeopardy fans. Well, we watch Jeopardy every day. And Alex Trebek.

Alex Rebecca is either, he's dead now, But he was either the worst guy Well, I mean, the best guy, sorry He's either the best guy or the worst guy in history Because he has some A lot of friends A lot of people like Alex Trebek I mean, he got the fucking

Jack Kennedy's funeral was less grand than Alks You know I mean The fucking Eternal Flame blew out Before fucking they stopped having guest hosts honoring Alex Trebek every five He was such a good guy I saw him in the subway once He was fucking reading an erotic novel

But he said hello to me It's great And then we have to fucking sit through Dr. Oz That's what it was It was Dr. Oz was hosting Jeopardy Mr. Asai Berry And Katie Kirk And Ken Jennings

And now football boy Aaron Rogers What's your What do you think of Aaron Rogers After the first day? You know, when he first came out, I was like, this could work. Well, he's attractive. He's an attractive guy.

He's, you know, he's got a little charm to him. I mean, then it's, you feel like you, like, he's attracted me. Maybe it is just that he's attractive, right? I'd love to know what he said to charm to you. After the first two seconds, got a little slow. Hello, I'm Aaron Rogers. I mean, look, I watch basketball sometimes football. I mean, I don't think these guys are,

or, you know, doctors of dog dicks or anything, great. But, you know, they go to press conferences. They talk a lot of, I mean, I imagine Eli Manning from the Giants, who was, you know, kind of a hayseed-seeming guy. Hey, how you told? Me and my brother like to fucking, I don't know, his brother was accused of grabbing some massage therapist when he was in college and making her touch his dick.

And his picture from telling his brother Eli and him, You're like, you're the best, bro. And Nate would be better than this. This guy, like, I feel bad, but it's like when you were in school and they, like, you know, we're all reading from the same book and they make us take turns reading. And then there's one kid just like can't, hey, I'm not trying to make fun of the kid, but he can't read. Why am I got to listen to a guy who can't read?

How does that help me learn? How am I getting the best out of, you know, the Bay Wolf? Listen to this fucking guy, spitter and spatter. And just go, oh, I was, I mean, I, I, I, I mumbled, you know, I have my fucking mouth issues. But I would, I would enunciate, I would be like, Bay Wolf did this. Then he fucked his mother, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this guy, my point, that's where Aaron Rogers is like. What?

Yeah, I mean, he's just like, you know, it just became like instantly apparent that it's like, oh, yeah, he's a football player. That's my point. Like, it makes you think that. But, like, most of them can speak, I think. Well, they can speak about football. Yeah, but, I mean, they're giving you the cue cards. But it's also, like, isn't it kind of a trope that, like, even when they're speaking, even when they're talking about the sport, they're kind of like, you know, it's all kind of like platitudes.

That's the quarterbacks. Quarterbacks are usually, like, the more analytical ones. And they, like, fucking, they usually not the Dunderheads. I don't think, I don't think, like, most of them, aren't done most of the linebackers nowadays are pretty like savvy i'm just saying like you know some of the guys you sometimes see a guy who's just a guy who like someone they hit someone those guys aren't always you know reading emily dickinson and whatever you imagine smart people doing whatever but you know most these guys can talk Aaron rogers is the greatest

football player of all time apparently or one of them and he's just sitting there going uh this guy and Nikita Khrushchev did this And I mean, I don't This maybe doesn't warrant an entire screed But the guy is just mumbling the whole Or like, uh, like give me, give me something to read Or tell me, just tell me something to read We pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the United States of America And it's like that It's literally monotone and slow And I just fucking hate them Yeah, I just think he's out of his element I mean, look, it's not like really Like he wasn't mispronouncing anything egregiously Like it's not like he was

He wasn't he didn't come off stupid I want to find out where Aaron Rogers lives It's just like what does he care about the new Hemingway documentary Yeah, I don't know maybe because he can't lose a super He can't not get to the Super Bowl reading that That dig He can't fail at that too you can't fucking not finish the Hemingway documentary

I wish I watched more football so I could slam him better but he's like supposedly the best guy I mean never makes it because he didn't have a good team you didn't have a great team Jesus Christ you're just fine he looked at two guys die he didn't care didn't you have the 12 apostles I mean one of them was a bad apple obviously but yeah one of them betrayed him like for money the other one denied him three times because the cock crowed

right yeah Peter uh you got thomas when he came back to the life he's doubting them going to doubtin thomas and you have a bunch of other fucking you know uh do nothings hey well you know we you know uh we wanted to help you out there but we're busy you know we're fishermen who's a fish no yeah yeah don't go fish don't don't save me from a crucifixion they'll be one guy betrayed you want so ten guys can't stop a crucifixion the dirty does I mean fucking wild bunch

It was like five guys killed a million Yeah Those five guys killed so many people Imagine if I'm fucking Ernst Borgnheim Was one of the fucking apostles I mean fucking William Goldman That's true and didn't he give them weapons

In a wild bunch yeah At one point No didn't Jesus give the apostle weapons at one point I don't think he did Didn't he give him all weapons? What are you talking about? I mean I

I'm saying if he did give him weapons, I'm not saying that he did. If he had given them weapons, that would have been very interesting. If he had, if he did give them weapons, then it is absolutely. What are you talking about?

What? Okay. That's assumed for the moment. I'm trying to shit on Jesus, but he was, didn't he give him guns? No. What was that scene where he, like,

he opened up a chest full of swords and battering rams? Come on, we got to fucking, we got to get laid to. Like, what are you talking about? Let's assume for the moment that they did, that he did give them weapons. Okay. If, if he did, then they were absolutely supposed to stop the crucifixion.

Oh, well, sure. I mean, what else would they be for? I mean, what else, what else were the, uh, were the, were the dice before? What are the dice? Dice he gave them. He gave dice? No. You need to give weapons

I don't know I thought they carried swords or something Peter had a sword In certain Fucking versions of cartoons I watch as a kid or whatever Peter pulls out of a sword And cuts off a Roman guy's ear

Oh right And Jesus Famously says You know No no don't do that If you live by the sword You die by the sword But you're about to die by a cross

Did you live by the cross? I mean, it's not great. That's my point. Like, I'm not like, but he was, like, his thing was like, you know, don't do that. And like, ah, wait, you see, you had a lot of wine, Jesus. I don't know if you're, you know, what you call it, your, your secret, uh, your loop-de-loop fucking miracle's going to work. It might kill you. No, no, don't worry.

I got it, Peter, don't worry. Oh, you betrayed me three times with the cockcrow. Oh, I got no decision. Apples, I got no pastels. They ain't no good. Oh, I guess I'm going to die. I'll see you guys later. It seems to be fine.

It's good. Jesus, you're drunk. You're drunk, Jesus. Nah, I'm good. And then he died. No, I don't. If he had given them weapons, if he had given them like a fucking mace,

you know, a big, the ball with the spikes, they probably should have used it. You know, or if he gave him a Cadillac, they could have driven him away. all sorts of hypotheticals. If you live by the sword, you'd die by the sword. And that's why I'm giving you a brand new machine gun.

Yeah, I mean, in that instance, you know, like, if he had given them airplanes, sure. See what I'm saying? Yeah. He didn't. Then they'd be the fighting apostles. Wait, what, why did you think he get? Is that what you, because the Peter in the ear, is that what you were thinking?

Yeah, maybe that's what I was thinking of. So, anytime you went at some point they had weapons. But one guy had a sword. which I even think it seemed weird Were people carrying swords around Jerusalem? Probably. Like rando fishermen? I mean, you probably had to.

Why? Otherwise, people would take your fish. It was an organized society with, you know, a police force or sorts. You weren't, it wasn't just anarchic. You're describing an anarchic situation where, like, you know, if you don't have a sword on you, you just fucking, you just get raped and fish, fish robbed. I think there was, you know, a point. precedents that you know you couldn't do that i mean i'm look i'm sure some yeah i mean look obviously

there were enough criminals that that jesus got crucified with two of them yeah you know but they steal someone's fucking uh fish sticks the fish patties fish filly sandwich uh uh do you think jesus would like me I mean, I think that he would probably try to fix you a little bit. I think there are certain things he tried to fix. Do you, all right. But you think he, this is going to, when I say likes me, I mean, more like would he put up with me?

Would he get really annoyed if I was like, if we were friends? I'm like, you know, you really should have fucking saved that guy. I'm like, always second guessing. I'm like, why, why isn't you fucking? Honestly, he might, he might be an apostle because apparently all his apostles are people who are constantly undermining him. Yeah. So. I'm just saying like, I'd love to just like be friends with Jesus and be like, cut my ear off.

Like, can you put this back on? Let's put this back on. And then like asking him to make my dick bigger or my asshole bigger. Just kind of make me a bigger asshole and later on, maybe smaller again. I want to see what I'm like to have a big asshole. You got a pretty big ass. Ha, ha. We get it.

You can make it. I'm fat. Can you make my rectum, like six inches diameter? He's like, why? Oh. Just want it. Yeah, I think Jesus would love that. Cool.

We'll move on. But no, we've made some good points about Christ today. Oh, this is not a thing. Christ, what is the... Call them Christ, like call him Doctor. Oh, Jesus. His name wasn't Jesus Christ. It's not his name, you know, right?

His name's not Jesus Christ. Yeah, but, you know, I call him Christ because that's what he likes to be called. Yeah, exactly. I mean, look, I don't think he's God or anything, but I could, you know. Yeah, I'll call him Christ. Oh, Jesus, from Nazareth, right? Call me Christ. What?

You know, dogs dick and tie into or not, if you suck it a little. off just putting your mouth it's like I think you're like you're confusing the cherry thing like I can tie a cherry into a knot in my mouth and like I guess it's supposed to mean you can like give good

head to a woman right oh yeah it's when a or vice versa yeah yeah I don't I don't know it makes more sense it does make more sense if you were doing it as a man yeah I don't know what that fucking cherry like oh look like a tri trauma my dick is bigger than a cherry

I mean, it doesn't have a stem, so that won't work. Yeah. You're not going to turn my dignity. No, but you're right. It would make some more sense of men did it, but it's too, it's too sensual in a feminine way for men to be doing it. You know, I do it more. First, I ask, do you mind if I say something sexually explicit to you?

Yes. Of course. You mind? No, I don't mind at all. Oh, okay. My wrist, I've been told, feels really. great inside of a vagina. Your wrist?

My wrist. Your wrist in particular. It's like a cherry stem. I've been told my wrist is like the cherry stem of wrists. So the hand doesn't feel great. But once you get past the hand to the wrist.

Sure. I don't know. They just look at my wrist and it's inside. That's a cherry stem. That's like a cherry stem getting tied inside me. Like I've been told by women. Happy Easter.

Happy Easter. Should we show people the Easter bunny? Yeah, show people the deranged. This is a really strange Easter bunny that appeared with the, with the Bidens. Apparently it was some like army aid or something. That's a fucking, that's a Navy seal that fucking Donald Trump pardoned. Who went back and stabbed that guy in the hospital river.

he's like it's part of his like it was part of his fucking pardon he like so somehow he said like trump said it up so he had to let him do it he's jerking off right now there's a war criminal in that bunny costume what is how did easter become like what does the bunny do he lays eggs what i never brings it i don't think he's supposed to lay eggs i think he brings eggs okay brings eggs i don't think it's quite as demented as that he lays them himself why doesn't he just like get i don't understand like how we even got to this point with the bunny you sit on his lap uh in the mole why i mean does he fucking uh do i tell him my sins i'm sure you can hey he's the bunny you know one time i uh i touched myself in the

Screening of the Mighty Ducks When I saw her the kid's mom Not the kids I was fucking six years old That's okay Charlie's mom You know fucking I just thought you

I wish she was my mom And funny's like that's okay I killed a lot of kids in Iraq Yeah Your sins are forgiven Uh anyway I don't know What is it to do with this?

common for the rest he's for buddy to have glasses no is it common for the president to be fucking uh have his you know half his brain missing no but here we are it's probably just fouchy you think that i mean do you think we're gonna kill fouchy like as a like you know you think he'll be like killed the mob um do you think people hate him that much? I don't. I mean, people,

no. I mean, maybe they do. I mean, people, I watched some, someone, someone was tweeting

and they like, oh, I lost my job. It's all because you motherfuckers had to feel safe. And it's only your fault because you let this happen.

Which seems like a stretch. Like, I understand, thinking that the lockdown should be lifted if you have your opinion. You know, we can debate this stuff.

But, you know, it's a weird appeal on Twitter to go, I lost my job because of COVID It's all because you guys didn't want to have a disease I don't know How I feel about that I'm sorry you lost your job

Right But that being said They fired Paul Pierce The basketball boy World Champion They call it world champion NBA champion With the Celtics back with a big three

It was him, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett uh kemigan that was nasty he used to do like fucking knuckle push up so middle he starts screaming at the floor he's a guy in uncut jims right yeah yeah yeah right like imagine that guy guarding you or trying to dunk on him fucking no he was a mean and he always came off me i don't know if he's actually a mean guy these guys like he had a certain kind of face and he was a big guy but yeah he might have like not know maybe didn't know how to fight at all you know like a picture like fucking some

some other football boy just fucking doing karate and he's just like oh fuck anyway paul pierce was hanging out a bunch of strippers and playing poker and whatever he was on instagram live i guess and uh you know they weren't wearing masks so ESPN has fired him what do you think of that he was a presenter he was gonna be i think he was on the jump Pute, like, Rachel Nichols would be like, what do you think about Doc Rivers? Should he coach good or coach bad? And he'd be like, why, he should coach good.

Whatever. What do these people are they talking about basketball? I mean, is he just throwing videos of it up on the internet? One night he had a little fun, I guess, and he fucking, you know, here's a stripper. There's a stripper. I'm playing poker, but smoking. Why can't people do these things and not film them?

Well, that's a great question. No, clout in that. You try and get more strippers You pay for the strippers once And hopefully you get like other girls To come and hang out with you You know for free It's like you know

He's paying and he's making an investment Like I'll pay 10 grand one time Or whatever it is And then you know And then you get fucking Uglier girls But still decent You know they're fine

And they'll be like Hey Paul You want me to suck your dick he's going to do a knot and he's like whoa yeah guess damn is it work saving money making these videos he's trying to make a fucking i just wish him like he's doing these making videos but he's like trying to sell like real estate do you want to he's one of these like fucking damblesarian type guys hey you want to live like this i'm poor pierce the NBA boy i got hos and fucking polka and cigars i don't get a fuck about COVID buy my kit that tells you

had to put stamps in the newspaper. I mean, theoretically, shouldn't his clout come from being the basketball boy? You would think so. I mean, he was a champion. He's a Hall of Famer. He's like, I get why it's dumb, but why are you firing the guy? It doesn't, it's the other thing. I know much more, like, unprivileged people have lost their job in the pandemic.

I'm not saying, like, look, if there was, if some guy who worked at Wawa, who lost his job, Although I don't think anyone were their Wawa's a loser. I mean, that's a, they're probably doing fine. Right, Wawa? Yeah. Are they suffering? Maybe people aren't going on their way to work, not getting their buttered roll in their way to work anymore.

You got a virtual buttered roll, and Wawa's fucked. Point is, if that guy could, you know, analyze the NBA on TV, then give him that. I don't think he's necessarily qualified. He might think he's qualified.

He'll get on the other things about LeBron James. You don't want to say in public. You don't want him to say. you know, like terrible things. Even, you know, oh, you don't get in that? Sure. You don't want the Wawa guy. I mean, I've been in a Wawa here.

People talk about LeBron. You don't want that on TV. So we can't just give that job to one of the people displaced by the pandemic. No, but don't you think that maybe ESPN is trying to keep up appearance? Like, even if their people aren't, like, really respecting the rules of COVID, like, maybe they're trying to, they don't want this, like, kind of egregious lack of propriety out there about, about, Look, I mean, that's what I'm getting at. It's like the whole time I've ever been the

And the lockdown guy, that's not me I've been reasonable out the whole time And I'm not acting like it's over now But I just feel like there's something weird About punitively firing them For like partying without a mask That seems a little I don't think the COVID passports

Are going to be used to, you know, to figure out which baby are going to kill of yours I mean, I don't not believe that Look, there's a certain degree of like you know, they're going to do, look, do you want to start a fucking, like, you know, Chippendale's Rescue Rangers kind of outfit and we can fight the, the conspiracy, let's do it. You know, I'll be Monterey Jack in the fucking Rooli Bird helicopter and you can be a squirrel and we'll fight these fucking evil.

No, I mean, otherwise. That sounds fun. It does sound fun. I mean, does that sound better than Storm in the Capitol building? Doesn't that sound better? Yeah. That's why I've got to storm the Capitol building. I'm going to make a really poorly designed.

Chippendale's Rescue Rangers cosplay and then go and, you know, and then do some kind of weird act in public and be arrested. You know? Yeah. We'll just smuggle people across COVID passport, vaccine passport lines.

Oh, I thought we were going to, like, you know, do terrorism. Yeah, that's not. I mean, the weird thing is not going to work at all. I was saying, like, a cute terrorism thing. I mean, what? I was beating around in the bush Because I don't want to say like Let's fucking join okay

You know Chippendale Rescue Rangers Like yeah We're going to be the best attempt But the point is I don't know We're going to fight the passport thing

Oh they know where you are But the phone does that right Right yeah exactly That's why it's stupid Well this is if you get the vaccine You're showing your compliance It's the way you show your compliance And then what they can invade Iraq again

they don't care we comply to everything already except for those people who start in the capital they were that's not you know those are the people who don't comply

there's no one between there's no one like there's no one doing a Boston tea party right I mean maybe starting a target's kind of like that in a good way sure

I don't know I don't know I don't know what to think anymore I'm just saying I don't know what why can you just like fucking suspended

for a couple weeks I guess you could but probably they just don't want to, I guess they just don't want to catch the shit themselves. What shit, though? Oh, like, can you think of that for a second. So people are going to be going, why do you have a guy on your TV station who didn't

wear a mask at a party he was at? Like, it seems like it's narkey. It's fucking. Yeah, it's nargy. And it's, I mean, look, it would be narkey if, like, if. He didn't touch a what, me, look. If they didn't post it. Like, it's like, it's like, just don't post it.

Well, sure, but it's like he didn't, like, I mean, I don't. in this case I'll just say he didn't touch a woman He didn't molest a woman You know If he did That's not my You know I don't have to couch it

Well I don't as far as I know I'll just say he didn't If you say he did touch you And well then we can Reassess it Yeah I'm not a lawyer I don't know

I feel like you know What's next? I'm going to be fucking I'm going to be on the toilet Do an Instagram live telling people about my, you know, my new book and go, oh, he's on, he's not, he's not wearing a fucking mask on the toilet.

Why is this guy wearing a mask on the toilet? And a little of a sudden, I'm a meme. I'm, like, I'm taking a shit without a mask on and people are fucking acting like, I'm, you know, I'm Nikita Cruz, Jeff. The most feared man in the world, in the USSR. I mean, look, I could definitely see this whole

thing going to some, places of people getting fired for weird reasons i mean look i would feel i would maybe like feel more like if this was just like some guy like who wasn't a big basketball boy right it's like if this was just some guy who like i don't know had a job at the at a warehouse yeah and this like got on social media or something i would definitely feel worse about it like it's like you feel worse yeah that guy that guy's got no but that guy's just partying and he knows he knows he's fucking delivering your bread later he's just fucking coughing and spitting all of your bread like paul pierce is not going to bring you a bagel next tomorrow morning

like it sounds shitty but it's like oh what so paul pierce can party and my and you're the guy seamless guy can't well yeah i mean if paul pierce is going to bring me a fucking egg macmuffin then maybe i'll give a shit if he's fucking just telling these these strippers how he can fucking tie a dog's dick into or not you know sure i I don't know. Where are we at? So you hate Paul Pierce. I don't hate it.

You think he should be fired. You're part of the problem. You're part of the cancel. Cancel Netflix culture. I can't get too riled up about his firing. I mean, I don't think I wouldn't have made the decision to fire him. Yeah.

But like I can't. Yeah. No, it's fair. I'm not riled up. I usually do. I am pretty apatetic about everything in the world. But, just seems like a strange level of like who was the guy complaining about

paul pierce who who was the guy going this guy's playing poker with a woman do something like who's who these fucking scolds these woke scolds was there like a big backlash about it or did they i don't know i found about three days later after he was already fired i mean i was out of the loop do you want to hire paul pierce yes we can hire him to work for a cump i mean who's is he taking my job or your job and we'll just fit him in the middle

he's a massive man he's like seven foot six we'll get a bigger table all right what's he gonna do I don't know he can just talk like this like Aaron Rogers he's he's a fucking analyst and he has been that

he was party with hose I mean he call him hose am I wrong for doing that I probably should, women, strippers? Strippers. What? What? Strippers?

Yeah. What? What are you confused about? I think you have the... What? What are you asking me? Nothing. I'm sorry.

You got confused. Okay. But yeah, hoes. Don't say hose. Okay. I'm correcting, I mean, it's women. I don't know why, I think so. I read someone, I read someone saying that, like originally, he's on a tweet,

and I'm realizing why am I, like, that's not the proper term. Just call them strippers. Yeah. Yeah. Elegant course correction. Yeah, I mean, I'm really, like, oh, I should, it's like fucking, that's a, that girl's probably a fucking doctor of dog dicks. Yeah.

You know, she's a fucking respectable person. She's earning her degree in dog dix. on the side. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. This is America. Is it? We don't know a topic.

One more topic before we go. I mean, look. Oh, oh, wait. Did they just fire him because it was sexual? No, I don't think so. Because this is saying, now I'm looking at it, and it's like, it's like, Paul Pierce is out at ESPN because of, like, racy video or, like, wild video.

It's like, if they're just, just punishing him for like a video leaked of him being sexual then that's fucked up well i think he had stripper i don't think he was like fucking fisting him on video i don't think he was going like look let me show you how you use your vagina and paul pierce the basketball boy would that be a good line for pick up a woman uh let me show how to use that vagina would that be that is that sexual that's sexual i mean oh it's that's sexual is it sexy it could be

really i'm sure i don't think it's very say the line again hey hey girl why don't you let me show you how you use that vagina i think it's pretty you can just say no why are you being so cagey about it

of course it's not good is it the opening line it's an early line okay as an early line no when would that work i don't know if you were just having a good time with someone And then they said that you might think like, oh, you're a card. So we have a couple, we have a couple of fucking, we have a couple, uh,

Michaelo Bultras in us. And we're fucking playing 20 questions. I just guessed, you know, fucking Kissinger. You got, you ain't guessing quick Kissinger. Like, this is fun. Oh, yeah, it is fun. We have, we've developed a little bit of a camaraderie, haven't we? Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I, I haven't just tried, I, I, I've made an effort to, like, get to know you as a person a little bit, right? You certainly have. You're a real gentleman. All right. So why don't you let me show you how you use that vagina? Still seems weird.

I mean, maybe I mean, maybe I'm just not being confident enough. Look, I might not sleep with someone who said that to me. Oh, that's kind of the, that is kind of, though. But I would think it was a very funny thing to say. But that's not what I, like, in that context, I mean, I'm not asking you if like, you know, you're going to fucking. I would think about that guy fondly for years afterwards. You're going to get joy from this guy for years.

Assuming he's not saying it in a threatening way. Well, no, he's not, he's not fucking, you know, holding a rusty protractor and a compass and a bunch of math equipment going, let me show you to use that. He's drawing little fucking graphs. Let me sure you use that for a jerk. And he's like, no, he's not menacing. Right. but you wouldn't like if I said to you and that brought you joy for years you wouldn't

you wouldn't fuck me no but I would just like think fondly on that night where it's like I tell the story a lot I feel like in that case like that's the guy you should have fucked like oh this guy did something that was like so crazy I still talk about it yeah I guess women safety or a thing right yeah you got to be like safe I might think of him as the one that got away yeah we didn't right here Um, yeah, so happy Easter. Happy Easter. Where can people find you, Lucy?

You can follow me on Twitter, Lucy, L-U-C-I-E-U-C-I-E underscore Rohan. You're going to prompt me to help you where they can find me? Yeah. Where can they? Well, yeah, you know. It's a conversational thing. You can be like, I'm where you'll find you. I don't be like, oh, you know, if you do, if you want to follow me, you can follow.

Well, I got to fucking bring up my own thing. I've prompted you in the past and you've always been insisted that they know where to find me. They know. This cute banter, but now I'm, you take the banter out and now I'm just some guy holding his, like, he's a dick in his hand going, like, they won't want to follow me on Twitter? Oh. What would people do if they wanted to get more come content? Fucking. You know, you know, I'm mine.

Say something. Uh, yeah, you can, look, we have a Patreon and it's great, uh, where do they find that in the description? We're not, we're a little off tonight. Yeah, I mean, just, yeah, just towards the end here. Yeah. Yeah, you can find that in the description. Uh, extra episodes every week for $5 a month.

Mm-hmm. And there's more stuff. I don't know. At Ray Kump, you can start the song now. I want to be bam over it. Uh, thanks so much for listening. You know, I'll see you guys on Patreon or it's so loud. Have a great week.