Kump - 71 - Civil Kump

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Ray and Lucie discuss pulling out of Afghanistan and Lucie's ridiculous new Civil War book, which could ruin everything.

Hello and welcome to Kump, the first episode of Kump in the age of the Afghan war being ended. It's planned to I know you're a big fan The Afghan War Lucy It's sad to see it come to an end I think it'll I think we accomplished a lot It'll go on in our hearts

I think I don't think anyone Can question The victory That we've accomplished there I don't look you mean didn't that The kite runner girl or is that girl Who is that girl who got burned Who is that Malala

Malala? Malala And you keep mixing up what happened to her. She didn't get burned. She got shot in the head. Well, I'm sorry. It's been a long war. It's been a long war.

And I can't remember every girl who got shot. I'm sure there's a lot of girls got shot by the Taliban. And us. You know, do you, do people are saying it's a failure? I don't know. I feel like we made our presence. known in the Middle East, we said, hey, now you don't think twice about knocking over towers if you work for the CIA or, you know, or if you're al-Qaeda.

I don't know. That could have, it could have happened just the way they told us. And it did send a message of a 21-year-long message. And I think, look, sometimes you got a, you don't rush through everything. Sometimes it's about the music of language. We basically said to them, hey, suck on this. And if you're in the Taliban, maybe you could have some things to suck on. Hey, look, if you fucking, if you fucking drop these towers, here's what's going to happen.

We're going to come over there. We're going to live there for 20 years. And we're going to go through some cycles. Sometimes you're going to be on top. And sometimes we're going to, you're going to fucking escape into Torabora. You're going to, I mean, I don't know. I think it's, we're going to have a huge Afghanistan shaped hole in our hearts. there are kids who grew up who are 20 now

who've never known a world where we didn't have a war in Afghanistan that's true and there were awful kids I don't like kids these days to be fair I don't think I would have liked them even if they were I would never let a 20 year old get over on me ever even if I had to go back in time especially I had to go back in time like back to the future

I would just be like what are you going to do fucking you know but then if I went back in time now I'd be like what are you going to do geometry you're going to cry about your feelings and I would be immediately like you know kicked out of my gym teaching job which I should you know

is a world there's a universe where you have a gym teaching job where you teach 20 year olds gym I mean there are some you know there's some look there are people who flunked out of like everything but you were like you had to like keep repeating the whatever grade because of gym classes because they want people to see their dicks in the locker room I guess or whatever

I wasn't in Adonis and then honestly the locker room and gym classes where I yelled at that guy that was going to shoot up as myself on his front long one of your finest moments right you know that's where you find out what you made of sure uh point is

I think we did a good job that Afghanistan I don't know why you're so down on it I'm saying I think it's a great thing. I'm sorry to see it end. Lithium. I mean,

would we have iPhones and GalaxyS phones and whatever and Motorola phones and whatever phones as much if it wasn't for the war in Afghanistan? I mean, lithium I on batteries were a thing, but like we got a lot of lithium out of Afghanistan. Is that is that a fair tradeoff? I don't think so. But I'm, but, but you love your iPhone. You guys love your emoji? You love your emojis.

I think, look, I think we've all learned they're going to do whatever. I sound so different in my head. We have new headphones. I don't know if you can tell. Yeah. We bought these new headphones. I sound bassier.

I have to get used to this. I feel like I'm booming. I feel like I'm being beaten with rocks in a sack, a large sack in Afghanistan. And I'm just being beaten with poppy rocks. which are rocks I imagine they put into a kiln and then they soften the poppy for the opium right you're being beaten with that

yes we were told that look we have thieves who come into our building did we talk about this last week we were told that basically packages get stolen left and right they built a cage for the packages and they said with codes on it and they, and you have to type into a keypad to get into the cage,

and yet still, packages are stolen from us. And I'm getting sick of it, and I got this message that are precious headphones, which sound like I'm getting beaten to death, right? As I speak, I'm just, I need a world, I'm very sensitive to sound loose. You know this. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm like, like Dustin Hoffman and Rain Man. You, um, basically any sudden sound, any sound that doesn't fit in the environment. in immediately, you respond to you as like a call to violence. Well, some people are hunters, right? And predator. I'm more like prey, but good prey. Like, I'd be hard to hunt is the point.

Yeah. Because I would just be like, what's going on? And I would do wild gyrations. So, good luck hunting me. Yeah, I'm imagining one of those like Native American taplos that show the hunters, like all the little hunters chasing after like a buffalo or something, but it's a you. Yeah, I don't know they were little, but yeah, sure. But they look little compared to the buffalo.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. But I'm the buffalo. You just call me a fat buffalo? It's you. Thank you, Lucy. Thank you. But it's you, and you're just like, you're, and you're just spitting at them. You're like, look, that will throw you off.

You don't know what my spit has in it. Yeah, someone was running away from you, but every once in a while, they just turn to spit at you. Yeah, like, the loophosaurus. I'm like, I spin, I'm like the guy, the dinosaur has been the, fact guy from Seinfeld in Jurassic Park. Um, I might have to get new headphones. This is,

I feel like I'm. It does. It's very immersive, but it's really intense being in these headphones. I feel like I'm dying and I'm, and like I'm drowning. I've been drowned by assassins. Um,

we're more likely, what are you doing? I'm trying to adjust it back where it was. Please, no, put it back. Are you crazy? I'm trying to ever do that, please. I'm trying to adjust it for you. the back where it was.

I'm just too low now. This is crazy. Back. It's higher. Oh my God, Lucy. You, you, more, more. Back? Higher.

I just spent 10 minutes telling, no, higher. What are you doing? I was trying to help you. Crank it higher. Crank it higher. I can't understand what you're doing right now. That's where it was. No, it wasn't.

It was higher than this. Hello? More more. hello that's too high no no no it can't be too high it's it's i'm literally going one down one up okay this is fine okay i can't believe that after 10 minutes of me explaining how sensitive the sound i am you just are fucking cranking the knob the volume knob on the headphones that's insane to me i was just trying to i thought you were you were in pain and i wanted to help you by lowering it No, I didn't say it was too loud.

I felt like I was drowning in a river being drowned by my ex-wife's new husband. He's saying, go to sleep, fat man. This is my wife now. Lucy's with me. And like, you know, I'm dead. And our kids are being cucked in death. But you decided just cranking. Insane.

Okay, Afghanistan, we're moving on. Jesus. Thank you for helping. So welcome to the show. Prince Philip, we covered this last week, my nemesis, is dead. Correct? He is dead. He's dead.

They had the funeral. I thought they kind of dragged their ass getting to it. What is this? Why is everything falling apart in this goddamn studio? Hold on. Vamp. You want me to fix it? I just want you to vamp.

Prince Philip is dead. The queen was seen wiping a tear from her eye at the funeral. Yeah. And it was very emotional. Well, I read that as Queen Wipes Tear Away. And I thought she was wiping away from a child. She was calling her a pussy. Queen wipes a tear away at Princeville's funeral.

A four-year-old boy who missed his grandpa. I don't know. Prince Williams' kids. She's like, wipes his tears away. Stick your head up straight, you little pounce. I saw this insane. thumbnail. I was looking at video. I was trying to find like the image or the footage of her actually crying. Right. And, uh, and there's this thumbnail on YouTube. And I feel like it just

captures the whole psychology of the public. It's like, it's this crazy. It's, there's an arrow pointing to her eye. Can you make that bigger? She is, uh, you screenshot that and then you make it and then you, you can treat like an image. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Let me see this. Okay. So we have the queen we'll put this up in post right yeah okay so you'll you'll be seeing you're seeing it now so we have the queen uh and she's not actually i mean is she crying or she's just looking like someone didn't bring her her her weird soft boiled egg she always has i mean there's some she's snort and coke there's some liquid on her face yeah look it looks in the right that right side picture it looks like she's snort and coke from like a little vial she had those old school 80s vials

Good for her. And then you have two crying emojis. Right. Is heartbreak really the appropriate emoji for a dead spouse? I know like your heartbroken, but that really feels more like, oh, like Philip,

Philip told me he doesn't want to fuck me anymore. Heartbreak. He's talking to, who is the Helen and Bob Carter playing the show? Margaret? Margaret. She's talking to Maggie, Princess Maggie, Margaret,

going Prince Philip. won't fuck me anymore heartbreak this is crude i mean it is what it is though i'm not me and the royal family are not on speaking terms uh for a reason the best part of this though is the picture of prince phil is there's a miniature eyes like picture of prince philip and the right-hand court and he's waving goodbye i assume we're waving goodbye like it this is an insane reaction this is this is Now, what is this for? Is it for the Germans? Because it says at Denensburg or something.

That seems like a German name. Yeah, maybe. I mean, are the Germans even crazier than we are? That's happened. There have been times in the past when they were. Like, look, we invented eugenics, right? It calls Spring Harbor Labs in New York. And we did it.

We sterilized mentally, you know, deficient, handicapped people and probably a bunch of other people. Did we sterilized, like, minorities, blacks? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So we started. that right but then they took it and went crazy with it or crazier it was already crazy but they went you know they went bat shit like let's just fucking turn just amp goes through 11 i've never seen the film spinal tap yeah i know that quote we gave them surrealism and they made like dadaism out of it all right no one knows that is including me i like i mean what is dot that ism i think it oh there we go we got her we got her boys it's just like we got her boys what she thought she was gonna make sounds smart and she doesn't know either it's i do i do know what it is okay it's basically

you hesitate people take a second to think in this world and people are like fraud fraud not on podcasts you better you better bring your speed thinking game to the podcast world you probably you go up against you go up against christillia or fucking uh brian callan and you hesitate i don't care if christalia wants to like fast white rap at me or something Like, I don't, I'm going to shit. Just do an M&M impression while he's jerking off in front of a fucking kids of us. Podcast war number 325. No, I don't think he actually would be jerking on the kids of Ross.

That's not right, right? No, that's not the kind of me too. He got me too. I don't know. I don't follow things. I'm sorry. I want to get into a, here's the thing. I want to beef with people, but like, how am I going to beef?

Because every time he beef, he's like, oh, you're just part of the liberal. No, I just want to beef. I want to get into a podcast beef and everyone accuses you of being a woke scold. We're begging for it. Let's fight, Delia. Anyway, so, look, look. I mean, I hope you get the help you need.

All seriousness. Sex addiction is a problem. Can we put a number on the screen for sex addicts? Yeah, sure. Don't do that. I don't know what that triggers. I don't want to put an algorithm. I'm going to do it.

No, we're going to be algorithm assassinated if we start putting, you know, look, I'm not trying to make you, if you're, if you people out there are sex addicted or addicted to masturbation, that's fine. But keep it off my airwaves. All right, because we have, we're trying to get on the front page eventually and we can't be dragged down by everyone's goddamn addictions. All right, it's getting absurd. You want, look, you're a part of the. The comp, the comp coalition, that was up, that's going to be our thing. Not the comp army, that's lame and also provocative in the wrong way. You can't have the cump army when people are storming the capital.

Like, what kind of army are you going to fucking, you know, attack the aquarium? No, no, we're the comp coalition. I think that sounds nice, right? Yeah. So you're part of the comp coalition. Keep your addictions and your podcasts. You can imagine yourselves around a big round table, just pontiff. about things right we do we're not i i can't just be listening i mean it could be it should be the

credits of a movie like suicide hotline like royal family you know sadness hotline enough i'm not saying you don't need it i'm not the guy you go to for help i'm the guy you go to when jordan peterson has left you uh to go to go to go to moscow for a year and you're like well who else can be you know can i follow and you find me and you go and i'm talking about you go and i'm talking not to follow me, but you find that attractive and I'm somehow still your guru. Me just saying don't follow gurus makes me the guru probably. Now, our numbers don't indicate that. Don't get me wrong.

I'm not, you know, psychotic. I know we don't have, you know, 12 rules to life numbers. But I can envision is happening. We need a book. I need a book. I can write a book. You need a book. What's the book going to be?

Me, how to fucking get out of my fucks, how to stop putting a day. of my podcast. It's going to be, the title of the book is going to be no gurus. Yeah. And it's going to be you and sort of like

an appropriated, like Buddhist outfit sitting in a garden, meditating. Just, just leaning into the appropriation. And also leaning in, it's the ultimate.

This is the worst time for that because that's, that's like Asian, right? Yeah, that's the worst time. I can't keep up with when it's the worst time

for anything. Well, I don't, I don't know, I don't know, why I'm, because I'm the last guy. It's always the worst time. I'm not a racist, never have, but whatever. I'm saying, I'm not like, I'm not

trying to say, hey, secretly I'm a racist, but I fucking, you know, have an instinct for it. I'm not saying that. I'm, I'm not a racist, my point. My point is but for someone, but that's not a woke scold. I, I like to be like, hey, wouldn't it just be normal to stop hating and just go fucking

go buy a soda stream. But even then you're getting mad. I'm saying that's a nice hobby. You make a raspberry soda. You make a lime soda and you enjoy yourself, but somehow you're fucking killing Palestinians if you buy a soda stream. I don't know how to keep up. It's okay to have a soda stream

just be open about the fact that you have a soda stream and that it's contributing to imperialism. Everything contributes to imperialism. But maybe the soda stream more than other things. I don't know. Are they part of the IDF? So does the sodium if you don't know, they make devices that will turn

your water into seltzer and you can also make soda. I've never used it for You know, I like soda, because I feel like the syrups they give you aren't that great. But whatever, but also they're owned by Israelis, which is not of itself an issue. But these Israelis who own this company are also, like, building settlements? What are they doing? They're probably using raspberry seltzer from the soda stream and their fucking, like, water cannons that they turn on children. That wouldn't be cost efficient.

That's just not ridiculous. That's ridiculous. You might be right. You might be right. But that seems ridiculous. It's cruel. Where were we? But it's delicious.

You're a wild card today. I know. I don't know where my mind is. I just want to talk about my civil war book. We're going to get to that. We have this. Look, I, look, there's a certain frequency and rhythm to this thing. You got to follow me.

You're great. I love you. But you got to let me. we have to drag certain things out we have to milk certain things this is a it's i'm like a guy in italy with a bunch of grapes under my feet and i'm squishing or the olives i'm squishing olives under my feet if they do that with their feet too right yeah but look in italy when you make olive oil right olive oil fucking i mean i we should won't be shot we should be pulling so long what we do i was literally just thinking that but i'm saying like you get first press

second press you need to know when the olives still have juice in them or not because there's comedy is all about beating things right to the point where they're dead and if you go too far it's over and you ruin it at all thing right yeah you know this you've done comedy so the point is let me milk these fuckers we don't go straight to the civil war book and now people get me thinking what's with the civil war book and it's all they can think about are they Are they civil warringing actors? Are they actually mad about Lee Statue getting taken down? No, we're not.

No. But they don't know. See, this is the art of podcasting. I know you're good at it, but I'm going to bring you to the next level. All right? What do you want? I really, I really, I really threw us into weird territory by messing with your headphones. Sure.

Surely you did. That was the most crazy thing I've ever seen in my life. I mean, if you just like, if I, I just brought it up, like, my headphones seemed weird and you went to go yank the fucking adjustment, that would be a weird, like, it'd be, ah, that's not how you do it. But, like, I, but what's so

crazy is I spent 10 minutes, inappropriately long time, talking about how weird, how, how sensitive I am to sound, and you just fucking started, like, like, you were doing like a fucking, like, a synthesizer. Like, one of these scents behind me is going, like, with a filter cut off, going,

wow, wow, wow. Like, you're fat boy slim. fucking fat like fucking junkie xl over here with the goddamn headphone volume namaste namaste no gurus is that is that Buddhist or is that the other is that Hindu oh I don't even want to pretend even appropriate no I think it's Hinduism right

I don't know and I'm not going to pretend and now are you one of the people who think they're the same thing I know you're two different things at least I'm pretty sure it's Buddhist But I could be totally fucking wrong. Look at it up. I want to be validated. I need to be validated. I'm pretty sure it's Buddhist, but I don't know.

It's Indian, right? So. It's, uh... Yeah, Indians aren't typically Buddhist. I mean, like, I'm sure there are some Indians, but... It might not even be specific to one. Right, but I would say most Indians are... Look, it's more Hindu than Buddhist.

I'm just pleading idiocy on this. one. I'm just saying, like, you know, the call it Buddhists would be crazy. What? To call it Buddhists would be crazy because it's in you. I mean, or again, whatever. You're as clueless as I am about this. Not as clueless.

But you're certain that I got it wronger than you somehow. Not as clueless. At least I know what Hinduism is. Welcome to the show. So you guys have a war book. I do And it's I have it

Now where did you get this book When you went to get the vaccine last week On Tuesday right I went to get the vaccine And you decided to take a stroll And then go into a store And And did you go straight to the Civil War section

Had this work Well I got the vaccine And I was walking And And And And

See it? Yeah, they can see it. It's a Civil War book. I'm sure your dad has one. Yeah. It's like a visual history of the Civil War. It's a Smithsonian Civil War book. And I went into it. I passed a bookstore. I was like I'd like to, you know, maybe I'll get myself a book as like a treat for getting vaccinated. Okay. Yeah. Weird. And I bought you a Kindle years ago. And I picked up this. And an iPad.

Well, that's why, because I was, I was looking at books and I was like, well, I don't want to just get one that I could easily read on a Kindle. So I got this. You can read that on an iPad. I grant you, this is like a nice thing to read on the can. You're like, oh, Fort Sumter. Oh, how many people died and you're taking the dump? And you accused me of, you called me a boomer for getting it. It's a boomer move, isn't it?

Well, I think that it's, I think boomers are more into this World War II. I mean, look. But maybe. I grant you that boomers love World War II. They love finding out what their dads were supposed to be doing while they're a fucking horse. you know like oh my daddy was in the battle of the bulge your daddy was having a you know a horror in this bulge

I thought I was going to land a better joke there but you know but I think the Civil War is where like the more elite boomers you know find their way to you can only read about how how great Patton was for beating up a private so many times It's only so many versions of that story We're like, yeah, that shell shock soldier really didn't know

Didn't know his ass to his elbow Until General Patton punched him in his asshole And now he's the great man And he punched Dwight Eisenhower You know, I like reading about the Civil One of the weird things about the Civil War is that like It really is the kind of it does seem like the kind of thing Where it's like the more you find you learn about it

The more you realize like oh it wasn't as complicated It wasn't that complicated Like it's like whenever somebody's like Well it's like it's more complicated Civil War is more complicated than people You know say it is Like the motivations were more complicated I know that I'm talking to someone who's like

Who's never read anything about it General Lee they say is Wasn't that They weren't taking down these General Lee statues But was he pro-slavery or anti-slavery? Well You have a quote for me? There's a quote on the back of the book

Read the quote to me That's quite I would say it's a little double He says, quote, I wish that I owned every slave in the South. For I would free them all to avoid this war. I believe the first half. We were looking at Bob, but we found out he did have, like he did own slaves. But he was a relatively benevolent guy, apparently, even though he, what he did, apparently. It was like, oh, he really wasn't too bad.

And he did use the normal tactics to, like, discipline slaves, which I guess means whipping and beating and putting a hotbox. But he wasn't like, I guess what they're saying is, like, generally wasn't creative in his torture. Right. Like, he didn't come up with, he didn't invent, like, like certain guys, like, someone invented the hot box. When the generals get, when all the races get together at their meetings.

Yeah. There doesn't be a clan meeting. It could be a fucking Lions Club, me. Who knows? I think, I think, I'll point a lot of these clubs are racist probably. Yeah. And go, well, how do you treat yours? Oh, I got this new thing.

It's a hot box. I've never seen the movies. Was it 12 years of slave? Yeah. It's supposed to be. But they had it in Django, right? They did have that in Janker. I saw.

It looked bad. Yeah. Terrible. Look, slavery is terrible. But you know, it's like, the thing about him is like, I always like hear, like, people, apologists for the Confederacy will always, like, bring him up as an example of someone who is like, oh, well, he actually had, like, nuanced views. He didn't like slavery.

And then you read everything he said about it. And it's like, oh, this is just. like a slave owner bullshitting. Well, probably. Here's the thing. Look, you can, you can, because there's an argument that, like, even the average person in the South was relatively pro-slavery as part of their car. And, look, which goes against the idea, like, not everyone owns slaves.

And then, look, and I'm saying is, if you want to take a more nuanced or, not even nuanced, but like, a empathetic approach, I don't think you start with the guy who led the army that was on the other side of ending slavery. it's like it's a weird level of ambiguous it's a weird level of uh yeah but it's like it's a weird it's nuance that begs the question right look just because i'm fighting i'm fighting for the for the to keep this out and it's just like it makes you kind of an like not look i'm not saying you're an asshole because you're a slave owner that goes about saying yeah that goes i mean of course you were but i'm saying it's

Like, that move is an asshole move. Like, oh, no, I'm just doing good fucking, you know, preserve Southern dignity. A wink. Uh-huh. Like, I'm not trying to, like, you know, pile on. Yeah. Although, you know, it's not like it doesn't want to pile on, but I'm not trying to alienate the entire Southern Northeast here. We're not trying to cancel Robert Lee.

Yeah. I think, you know, I think Appomatics did that. Uh, yeah. But, uh, but is that good, with that good reference? Yeah, that was good. It's a final battle. I need you to, when I make those references. A major battle.

When I make a nice reference like that, I need you to go, nice. Nice. Yeah. We don't have a studio audience. I'm not John Oliver, right? I need you to be my John Oliver audience. So when I go. I'm your John Oliver audience. When I go, let's try it, let's try it.

I think we're not trying to cancel Robert E. We say, say it. We're not trying to cancel Robert Ely. No, I think Appomatics did that. And nice. No, I think you can start tackling. Please. I think Appomatics did that.

We need the energy of a live audience. I know, but I can't provide that alone. That's a good point. Can we do canned laughter? Yeah. I'm down for that. We're not going to do that. We need to get people to come to our apartment studio and sit outside of the Diet Coke

and Dieton pepper cans. and just laugh at my oh hey apomatics did that and they're all be morons you don't know what amatics is none of them laugh they're just confused yeah i just need i this is why we're gonna have a ceiling on the comp podcast because i can't just make it a fun i have to deconstruct everything like a fucking drug addict why could i just say i'm madame and just be happy that i made a nice line it's good coffee yeah it is it's nutty yeah it's nutty yeah It is espresso in it With my dick

Nice Look I don't I don't think it's just the headphones I think we're both a little weird Today This is the charm of comp This version of comp is more consistent But the charm of comp was always like

You don't know We're going to start talking about you know Commit suicide and baby carriage Yeah that's true That doesn't seem like it's an even money bed day I will though Move on Move on.

What else about this book? Well, it's like, I was also just like, look, I got curious about, like, Robert Lee because we were talking about it. And, like, I found this other quote where he was kind of like, this was after he lost this, they lost the Civil War.

Yeah. And he's like talking to somebody saying like, you know, or maybe it's part of his writings or something, but he's like saying like, no, I'm actually, like, I'm paraphrasing, but he's like, no,

I'm actually glad that we lost the Civil War. And I would gladly, um, and I'm really, and I'm really glad. And I'm really glad. slavery has been abolished and I'm glad that my losing the Civil War helped you accomplish that. This guy is the biggest fucking asshole I've ever heard in my life.

And again, not because he was against, it's not for the reasons you would think. Like, because the whole thing is like, look, Robert Lee might have been on the wrong side, but he was a good, honorable man and fucking great tactician. And he might have a good tactician. Not good enough, but whatever. I'm not trying to be a dick. I get it. North had more money in industrialists and the South.

I'm sorry the South couldn't be more, you know, built. build a bigger army with all their fucking slave cotton you know sorry sorry your slave cotton business didn't fund a bigger army than the north industrial business i don't know the war of northern aggression yeah i don't know you guys seem pretty aggressive towards slaves whatever i'm not trying to re-litigate the civil war but there's just a lot of bullshit against something about no it's not a boy honestly that the bullshit people bring up even robertie lee is like is is having lived prove that that the world turns like like bullshit makes the world turn like the people who like change things fundamentally are lost our absolute frauds well it's like Thomas freebin would say

if he was a general yeah I actually wanted to lose no it's like it really is like when some like war profiteer who like cheerleaded the Iraq war goes on TV after it's clearly a disaster yeah and goes like We got to find the people responsible for this. Yeah. And look, you're going to come up and you go, oh, what about Lincoln? Lincoln had quotes where he said, if you could send them all back to Africa, he would or some shit, right? Yeah, right. And he's like, yeah, he got shot in the head, so I think that's been taken care of.

He wasn't the best guy either. He wasn't the perfect guy. Was he better than Robert Lee? Yeah. I think so. I think he probably was. Yeah. They shot them in the back of the head, all right?

You know, Robert D. Lee, where did he die? Picking posies? Yeah. Yeah, and to be fair. Yeah, Robert Lee just, like, lived out his life. Playing with oranges like Godfather won. There's like, oh, they try to impress his grandson with an orange in his mouth, like Don Colioni, and he dies of a fucking technist.

I don't know. That's one of the craziest things. He stepped on a rusty spoon. Sorry, go ahead. Nice. Brush teaspoon. That's when you nailed it. It was going to do a bad line.

That's like one of the craziest things about this country that it's like, and I don't even know if it says something good or bad about us. Everything's bad about us. But the idea that it's like this guy led the charge, like to secede. You know, he led like a rebellion against the country. And he just kind of chilled after that. And like, well, yeah. I mean, it's like they all just kind of chilled out.

We built statues to them. Yeah. I mean, a lot of those were put there in, like, in, like, in, like, just to shove it in the face of Martin Luther King. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Here's a, let's take a step back, though. So, this is a book, right? It's the Smithsonian, like, which is, like, the Institute that has, like, Archie Bunker's chair

and, like, the ruby slippers from Dorothy. Do you have been there? No. It's a cool museum. You can see, like, these objects, right? Like, they have all these... That's cool. Marikana or all these, like, thing.

They have a Dolorian from... I don't know if they do. but they could very well have the deline from back to the future as probably in a planet of Hollywood but that's the kind of thing they would have, right? But like a cool museum, they have an air and space museum.

It's the Smithsonian Institute. And it's the Civil War, a visual history. And I want you to get a... So, this is the fucking back. This much of the back is this very bizarre quote. You can argue about us being dicks about the quote.

I'm not, like, I don't think you're right, but whatever. But you have to admit, it's kind of a fucking crazy quote to make, like, the only quote on the back of your book. What is the Smithsonian Institute trying to say by just, like, this is not even, like, reflective, like, is this just a Robert Lee, like, propaganda? Like, why would you put this quote? This is the definitive quote of Civil War that, like, the guy who fought against the union, I wish I own each slave to South so I can fight. I imagine that somebody was probably like some person who was helping design it

they were like well this would be sort of a provocative quote rather than like a rather than a standard issue. Well I guess we're proving them right. Look, we're advertising their stupid books. Maybe they're right. Maybe it's the most genius quote to put back there because I'm actually, I've never advertised a book in my life

except for family of secrets I think and David Talbot's the devil's chess board and I bring up this random civil war. because they're a provocative quote. This is viral marketing at its best. We need to learn. Who did this? We need them to work for us.

This is the best guerrilla marketing I've ever seen in my life. I just spent 20 minutes advertising showing this book like I'm a fucking PBS telethy. No, to be fair, I don't think that they, I don't think they want this. I don't think they want us talking about the book. I don't know. I mean, we have what. Look, what we have? Currently, we get like 4,000, you know, on here.

And we got like 8 to 9,000 listeners. Look, I don't know what venue you're going to get this bigger than us that's going to promote this shit book. This Smithsonian Civil War. Oh, did you find anything new about the Civil War? Oh, look, it's a bunch of shitty paintings. Oh, look at this. Battle of fucking Bunker Hill or whatever the fuck.

This book is shit. It's a garbage book. Who has a person? bigger audience than us who's going to advertise this book show this book the way I am what I'm doing right now we are insane we just felt we get we got rope adoped I feel we shouldn't even publish this episode but we will we will this book is um it's shit yeah there's just in our opinion it's hard to read there's the print is too tiny look when you buy a book to read while you're shitting, you don't want some

fucking quote that you have to like deconstruct and go, why are you putting it there? Yeah, exactly. You want a quote from Lincoln on there. So something nobody's going to question. Right. Nobody's going to say, did you buy some kind of Confederate sympathizer book? If I forget to put my

shitting book away when like my girlfriend's family comes over, for instance, and then like they fucking start perusing my shitting books while they shit, even they told me they were taking a piss, I asked him if they were shouldn't. They said no, but they are because they're liars. Your family are liars.

But whatever. Point is, they see this fucking quote, and they started quite, is it, are you Richard Spencer's fucking nephew? What is this? Do you, are you friends of Nathan Damagu for your identity Europa? It just, because this is crazy. It literally just hit me how insanely incriminating this book. I wish I owned everything.

So let's just read this one. Let's squeeze this olive. Yeah. Callback. Nice. Thank you. I wish that I owned every. I mean,

who is toxic this way? I wish I owned every slave in the South, comma, for freedom all to avoid this. Like, how could you frame this better? In order to free, like,

because honestly, he's trying to be cute. If I was saying this, because I'm a man of, I'm a better communicator Robert Lee and I probably wouldn't I wouldn't have, he's like, the only reason I wouldn't have won that war is because I wouldn't

have fought for the Confederacy. But I'm just saying, like, better a general. I'm guarantee you. Yeah. Better general Robert Lee. But I would just. You might be. I mean, I've never been in an army,

never commanded troops, but I wasn't the Eagle Scout. So there you go. In order to free every slave, I wish I owned them. There you go. Say you like that. But you, like, he's putting it, I wish I don't ever sleep in the South. And he probably let us sit there. For I would free them all to avoid this.

Also, to avoid this war. That doesn't sound great. Also, like, I would free them all to avoid the war. So you can see things like, it's just an ownership thing to you. Right. Look, I mean, I would free, if I own them all, I'd free him. Even though I do own slaves, I didn't free him. Right.

Why are you free yours? Oh, I couldn't. possibly do that. It wouldn't be fair. And someone's going to come and be like, well, he did free him. I don't care. Like, I don't see freedom like the first day. Right.

But you didn't. I know he didn't. He owned them and he put him into a fucking shackles. He just slave shit to them. Yeah. Terrible. There's also some quote. I hate slavery.

Yeah. I fucking hate slavery. I'm not a fan. But, uh, there's some other quote where he's saying like, you know, slavery is bad. He's just this pontific. Like, it's like, slavery is, is surely evil, but it's, uh, it's more hurtful to white people than it is to black people. It's like, it's just like this weird, like, he's just the biggest cunt in the world.

Just a giant kind. I want these, look, I don't care if he was an abolitionist. I want this guy's statues taken down. Right. This guy's the biggest cunt I ever heard in my life. Yeah. This guy's worse than like Charlie Shee on Tiger Blood. Yeah, it feels like, now after seeing him.

these quotes, it's like, I used to feel like, oh, the statue of Robert E. Lee, it's having this, like, statue of this guy who fought for this terrible thing. It's like having a statue of, like, a fucking movie villain. But now I just kind of feel like, it's like having a statue of like Paul Krugman. Yes. You know, it's like, it's like having a statue of the show Paul Krugman. Right. End of me of the show. It's like having a statue of that just like, of just some vapid douche. You don't like Paul Krugman. I've always Paul Krugman of the New York Times. We're going to do something on the Patreon so you can check.

I'm not trying to tease it, but yeah, he's got a masterclass. And we're going to dissect his masterclass trailer because it's really dushy. Paul Krochman is an economist in theory. He has a Nobel Prize in economics. But, I mean, I think he's for like proving something that someone said 50 years before he proved it. That's what economic is a big circle jerk. It's like, I found Matt that makes this fucking thing.

The world is flat. The world is flat. Paul Krugman. Bring a turtle neckling an asshole. Anyway, point is. So, yeah, you can check out the Patreon if you want to hear that. We can't show things. I wish we lived in the world where I could, like, I mean, honestly, are we going to be

fucking content ID for showing this book? I don't think you can. But in a couple years, they're going to be able to say, they're going to be able to see this picture of the fucking, of this weird quote. They're going to go, oh, that's that book from the Smithsonian. Get these guys content. And I need, kicked off YouTube. That's that racist book, The Cump Zone.

And literally nobody else owns. You bought the only copy. Sold one copy. This is like the Necronomicon. This is like an evil dead. What have you brought into our house? It's like a horror movie, but the horror is just learning it Robert Lee was just like a cunt. Yeah.

Oh, God. You know, the thing about slavery is Maybe it wasn't as bad as you'd think. Robert Lee. Robert Lee. Slavery was certainly bad, but so was a milkshake on a rainy day. Slavery.

It's not my cup of tea. Fucking Robert Lee Lee Lee. Slavery is certainly not the sweetest tea one can consume. fucking Robert Lee was the Andy Warhol of the Civil War Fuck him And fuck that's stupid Campbell's paintings Campbell's soup This is this quote was a Campbell's soup can

Cubscreen paintings And by the way, if you like Andy Warhol, you're an asshole I don't like the Velvet Underground I don't think Lou Reed like Andy Warhol You don't like Andy Warhol? No, he's a cuck. No, he's a cunt I'll just say that.

Yeah He got shot one. I mean, probably just for being annoying. And if you come at me, you know, no, he was shot for being gay. I don't even know if he was gay. But then I'm so, you know, speaking out of turn, because I don't know why he got shot. But I don't even he was annoying and he got shot also.

But maybe he was shot just because of, you know, Rachel or bigotry. In which case, I have egg on my face, I guess. Big old scrambled egg on my face. But I didn't know. You don't like the can? No, I hate the can. The Campbell soup can. The Campbell soup can.

I don't like it. If you remember, no big deal. If not, if you don't know what it is, you probably, it's kind of a, it's on you, but maybe put a picture of the can up. Yeah. Uh, you know, the silk screen or the silk screens of Maryland Monroe. That's like when someone's like, oh, I'm an artist because I'm just stealing someone like, I'm just fucking cutting out pictures of game of drones and gluing them onto a fucking,

you know, uh, SpongeBob fucking painting. Like, I'm repurposing art. Shut the fuck up. Terrible. Anyway. Yeah. But that's how Robert, he's like Robert Lee. Yeah.

Anything else about this book that we found? I feel like that was the main thing. They fought like veterans. Their line unbroken. Their coolness and bravery, I have never seen surpassed. Who's that? That's Major General James G. Blunt on the first Kansas

colored infantry, which I guess is like, so he's saying nice things about the black soldiers. I think, you know, like when you're asked by the, paper for your quote i'm sure like it's like it's like i don't know if this this guy like he went back to whipping them just saying who knows i'm just saying black people had a

rough for a while especially that in that it's why we had the war yeah and then solve anything what's up so yeah look things it it didn't solve everything made a whole new batch of problem i'm just saying uh robertie lee biggest count in the world i mean he's pretty rich why didn't you why didn't you start buying why didn't you why didn't you become the schindler's list the fucking slaves well yeah exactly that's the thing you could have done for everyone but you could have bought a few and freedom right right or why not go to like your your folks and say like hey why don't we all just free our slaves to stop the war like i don't i don't think he ever like pushed for that really i'm saying if you actually didn't like slavery i think robertie lee

was a pretty respected dude right in it's out yeah yeah yeah did you even try to appeal to the people you know right look i i hear you know enslaved i own some slaves i own some slaves I don't think this is good. I mean, maybe he did. Maybe he did. I don't know. But, like, I feel like if he did do that, any good that would, like, give you to his,

this quote wipes out. This country quote. Maybe we should move on. I think we're just circling. We're just, we're just, now we're just bullying Robert Lee. Yeah. It's,

we're going to cancel for bullying. Let's move on to, uh, you're a big. fan of her. Hillary Duff. I don't even know what she's famous for. Lizzie McGuire.

What was Lizzie? Did you ever watch Lucy McGuire? I did watch Lizzie McGuire. What's the premise of that? That she's some fucking witch? She's a young blonde witch. You know, it might be like a very unique sitcom in the sense that I don't think it's really about anything.

Like I think she's like, Oh, it's like Seinfeld you're saying. It's just, it's the real show about nothing. It's like she's a quirky girl and she has quirky friends. and they go to school. There's an episode where she drinks raw eggs. Why? Because she's trying to get in shape.

And so she drinks a giant cup of raw eggs. And I remember watching that as a kid going like, I don't think you're supposed to do that and you're not. Well, I mean, Rocky did it. Didn't you ever see Rocky? Oh, Rocky did it? Yeah, I don't know why you don't have that as a frame of reference. It's obviously a Rocky reference.

I'm not a hack one. It's a hack reference. But you've never seen Rocky? I don't, I know that I have, but I don't remember him drinking raw eggs. I don't know how you watch Rocky drink raw eggs. How does Rocky drinking raw eggs not make into your memory banks? But Lizzie McGuire drinking more eggs is seared into your subconscious. It wasn't a powerful show.

I saw Rocky and I was like, oh, they're doing a Lizzie McGuire reference. Rocky and his quirky friend, Pauly. Yeah. Yeah. And he's beating his sister up. So quirky. Or Adrian, Oh, hello.

My impression of Adrian. Hello. Like, what's the matter? You don't like fucking putting your coat on? Like a pillow. Oh, I'm going to be a boxer. That's a rocky impression. She has the same birthday as me.

You know. What are you trying to say? Hillary Duff has the same birthday as me. Yeah, look, I've already bought you another Civil War book. Don't worry. I don't have to lay in. You're not going to lie about birthdays. And she, one time I saw her on her birthday and on my birthday.

I saw her in the street. Did you know your birthdays were the same? Yeah, I knew that at that point. Because at one point I just did that thing where you Google like what celebrities have the same birthday. I've never done that. Let me do that right now. Let me do that right now. So tell the story of seeing, what did you do?

This is not something. Did you hug and kiss her? I wasn't. I'm not proud that I've done this, but I have done it. And I saw her in the street. And usually, like, I'm not some Hillary Duff fan or Hillary Duff. I've never heard you bring her up before. But, like, in the moment, because I knew it was both of our birthdays, I felt compelled to, like, wave at her.

So I, like, waved at her in her entourage. Yeah. And she waved back. And she gave me a disgusted look. That's the pig. That's the pig. So that's a. so that's a great that's a great fucking segue into and we'll get back to my celebrity birthdays because i just found some but uh that's a great segue because this pig wouldn't wave back in a birthday girl uh made the papers this week because she uh even though like it's a weird story in people magazine i have this fucking thing in the apple news on my phone now i paid for the fucking trial i forgot to cancel it so now i just haven't and i just see these stories and i'll save them and the story let me bring it up because it's

Very bizarre. See, he's going to save. This is actually not a bad thing for the show. I just, I'm going to save these stories. So Hillary Duff explains the important reason she wanted his son, Luca, 9, to have witnessed the water birth. And the weird thing about the stories, he didn't witness the water birth. Something happened, because it happened too quickly.

It only, it only took a couple hours. I guess it couldn't get the boy to the mother's water tank quick enough. But Duff adds that she also wants her boy. to understand the many ways of bringing a baby into the world. I want him to someday when he's ready to have a child with his partner or wife or whatever.

I want him to be able to respect the way that she wants. Okay. If you're going to be, I'm not saying, I'm not saying don't be inclusive. But you can't say that and then go,

I'm just nitpicking. I'm just saying these people who love to fucking, they want a book's called everyone about, you know, I'm all for identity. I'm all for fucking inclusion. Let's have everyone be inclusive. But if you're going to fucking say it like that, like, oh, I, you know, bring a baby for his

partner or wife or whatever. But anyway, I hope she shows him immediately, like you drop it immediately. Wife or partner or whatever. Anyway, she, well, I mean, that's fine. There's many different ways to have a baby is the point. Wait, so I want him to be able to respect the way that she wants to be able to have a baby. If it's a home, that can be a home. If that's in a hospital, it'll be a hospital.

She says there's many different ways. I think I started the story in the middle or something. It was kind of important. Yeah, I did actually. I started ranting in the middle of it. If she wants to hang off the side of a cruise ship and squeeze her baby out into the ocean, that's her. Gender doesn't exist.

And whoever my son chooses to have a baby with, The genderless person that he does, that's his choice. Anyway, I hope she raises a baby well for him. I hope she knows her motherly role, the whore. Hillary Duff, really. Wouldn't wave back to my Lucy. Terrible. So he wanted to be there for it, but it happened so fast, he missed it.

This kid sounds like he's got bigger problems than, you know, not seeing the water birth. Wait, when he says the nine-year-old, she wanted, the nine-year-old wanted to be there? Yeah, he wanted to be, Luca wanted to be there for it, but it happened so fast he missed it, sharing the labor and delivery were just over three hours long. Where was he fucking, the island of Creek off Greece? Was he, was he in fucking Joshua Tree meditating on psilocybin? What the fuck is this?

And, you know, it's a nice reference to the people. Yeah. The house we were in. Yeah. The infamous, the infamous house in Joshua Tree. Maybe he was there. Maybe that's why Luca couldn't get to the water birds, because he was fucking, he felt, he fell through a chair made a fucking cowhide.

It was kind of important because I'm really big on him, on being open and honest with him about how strong women are and what childbirth looks like, says Duff. He knows all about periods and it's important for me to normalize that conversation with him for all the women that are going to be in his life. All the women. I mean, come on. If you're going to, I, I'm, I'm serious.

I don't know why. Like, I'm down. I'm not trying to say you got to put pronouns your bio. Do it. Don't. Like, I'm not the guy. I'm not the cop. I'm not the sheriff of Woktown.

I might even say it in a dismissive way. But I mean, these celebrities who like just fucking want to sit and imagine and pretend they're fucking good. Why am I the fucking butcher just naturally better at this than these fucking idiots? Yeah. Right. I could bridge the gap.

Just covered in pig's blood telling you how to use pronouns. Well, that's the thing. it's because for you, it comes from a very deep place inside where you have this desire. You're like this aggressive mediator personality who just wants everybody who just wants to, yeah, you're always just trying to do the backbreaking labor of making the bridge between.

I'm like Moshe Dian. Yeah. Well, no, I think he was an Israeli general. I'm like fucking, who's a famous diplomat? Henry Kissinger. No, welcome. Adelaide. I'm like, Adelaide.

I'm like, Adelaide Stevenson trying to avoid World War III during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Isn't that great reference? Nice. Nice. Sorry, I never do it at the right time. You don't. Yeah.

And so for you, it comes from that place. Yeah. But for them, it's coming from a place of like fear. Like I don't want to lose the next movie deal. Because she knows deep down, she's a bad person who wouldn't wave at Lucy. Right. I think that sometimes a nine-year-old boy is like, well, men have bigger muscles and like, yeah, but we bring life into the world.

We move a baby through our body, she said. Oh, she adds, they're the big topic of conversation in the house right now. Equality and strength come from different places besides your muscles or whatever. This woman is the worst. And now, look, show your kids. you bloody water or pussy whatever. I don't care.

I'm just, but you sound terrible. You sound like you don't really have muscle. It's all about muscles. Meanwhile, poor Chris Hemsworth, the Thorboy, or another article.

Can I just say something? My wife is being destroyed by his Apple News thing, by the way. I'm reading now, I'm also reading about Chris Hemsworth says he isn't taking seriously as an actor because of his muscles.

I never used to read this Garber. bitch. I'm being destroyed by my phone. One thing before we move on, because the Chris Hemsworth story is very important and very timely. But it's a, I've watched videos of water bruce. Disgusting, right?

On YouTube. How are they? Um, you know, they're like, they're gross. Yeah. That's not,

it's not natural. Well, the thing is, look, it can be less painful, so I get why people do it. But it's like, but it's,

uh, here's the thing. If it was, if it was, done in the ancient world but it's not beautiful he's like if it was done in the ancient world they didn't have a tank they did it in a river and it all flowed away they were they weren't they didn't go in the henry houdini was henry houdini john houdini's name haroldine they didn't they go a houdini tank where you can see him submerged and go and just start gushing blood and like

placenta out all right it was a river they went to the nile river and it's carried away the placenta right away no one was sitting they go like ooh that's pretty heavy flow. It was gone. I'm telling you, if the time ever comes for us to procreate, you're going to... We're going to have a baby.

We're going to go on a cruise. Yeah. We're going to enjoy the cruise. I'm not dumping a baby off the side of the boat. I won't get drunk because obviously I'm pregnant. Sure. But we'll enjoy the cruise, go down some water slides and stuff.

Yeah. And then you'll dangle me off the ship of the edge. of the ship and I will birth my baby into the ocean as nature intended. Well, you really meant that. I was kidding, but you actually want to just dump our baby in the ocean. It's going to die.

No, you'll get it. No, it'll be dead already. We'll have, like, we'll have a baby falling that distance into the water will probably be dead by the time it hits the water. We'll have contingencies. What? Like, burial, it's, like, I'll go out in there in scuba gear,

in Fat Man Scoop a gear, and be like, nope, it's dead. I guess we'll just, it's just a burial at sea now. Should we have a baby? I don't know now. Yes. This is your motherly instinct? I think I have great ones.

Not this one. Don't do that. We'll wrap this up in a second. By the way, I share, uh, what? Oh my God. What? Oh, my God.

We'll do a count. Oh, my God. I'm on the edge of my seat. David Foster. This is not, that's not him, but David Foster, musician, I guess, whatever. I'm building up to it.

Anthony Kedis from Red Hattsley-Lebethers. Huh. Tim Cook from Apple. Oh, wow. Penn Badly for, whatever. Tony Collette. Oh, the stalker guy. Like you.

Oh, that is it? Yeah. Oh, okay. Tony Collette from a little miss sunshine. Hmm. Will peep Jenny McCarthy famous anti-vaxxer

and hot girl from single out and I can't even believe this Larry Flint Larry Flint I share a birthday with Larry Flint That's amazing I wasn't trying to say

By the birthday I guess everyone just can Go backwards and program it now But that's crazy Wow I guess it's not that For the podcast, I'm like crazy. I have a famous thing we did from a different pocket where I, it's a long story.

But Larry Flint, to me, that's just a crazy. I mean, I, I, I, I can play Larry Flint in the movie, I feel like. Yeah, it feels too appropriate. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm not a pornographer. And I haven't been shot in the spine. But I do, I don't feel camaraderie with the man.

But, uh, wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. See, I told you it's fun. Well, what, yeah. No, no, now, I feel like. I should have waved that Larry Flint

if I saw him in the street and he would not wave back and go Oh fuck you Larry Flint Yeah You scum you paralyzed pornographer You paralyzed man

And I would have been I would have been wrong I would have gone for that And that's the ablest of me I'm sorry I'm glad I didn't know So I didn't I didn't fall into that trap

Yeah Oh Um, so Chris Hemsworth, yeah, muscles. I don't care. Oh, I work out all the time. I like the character. I like what he does. Yeah, it's charming character.

No one, people take me seriously. We don't want you playing Moriarty in Sherlock Holmes. We don't care. Just keep doing muscle movies. Problem solved, you're rich, fuck. You make $120 million a year. I love you. I want to be your friends.

But like, stop bitching about it. Oh, people don't take me seriously. We'll pay him to. Anyway, so yeah, anything else to add, Lucy? I mean, this is a, this is a chaotic rollercrows for an episode. I feel like it was chaotic good, though, ultimately. Yeah, I don't know what that chart is. It's like chaotic, good, chaotic coming on the wall, chaotic.

Whatever. I don't know how that works. Caholic neutral. Yeah, I don't know what this is all supposed to describe. What is chaotic neutral? I'm just, I'm just chipping come on my own face. I feel like it's a guy. I feel like it's a guy.

like jerking off in a subway but it's an empty subway car oh i still don't like the idea about and he can't traumatize anyone with it i still don't like the idea of that because what he's just spraying come everywhere that's true no that's true no that is chaotic bad there's nothing thing is chaotic neutral yeah no these is all i mean who who created this anyway fucking dumb kids who play you know mess of multi or online role playing games and talk about fucking excalibur some shit you get the sword out of the rock. Shut, I got a gun. All it describes is, like, different ways people feel after they've jerked off.

Yeah. Suicidal. This is... This has been great. Thanks so much for tuning in. We'll find you, Lucy. You can find me on Twitter at Lucy underscore Rowan. Rohan.

Yeah. R-O-H-A-N. Yes. And should we make lower thirds for ourselves? Maybe. I don't know. Sure. We won't.

People can find me, Twitter and Instagram at Ray Kump. Sign up for the Patreon. And an extra episode every month, every week. No, sorry. Every episode. What am I doing? Do you want me to adjust your headphones again? An extra, don't you touch that.

Don't dare touch that. An extra episode every week for $5 a month. There you go. If you want. Thank you.